My Therapist Ghosted Me - Glowing, Lost Luggage & The Underbite

Episode Date: October 11, 2024

SO, we're travelling back in time since the bonus on Wednesday... Stay with it... Vogue is about to get on the plane to New York City and Joanne is already there, looking glowy and amazing in her hotel room. We'll get the goss on Joanne's lost luggage, Vogue's apparent underbite (thanks Kayleigh Trappe!!) and a story about a woman who ate her husbands ashes. Casual. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to My Carapace Ghosted Me. It's me, Jamal McNally and it's... Me, Vogue Williams. And it's... Jo, say your name, say your whole name. Joseph Jane, Jashie Wells. Nice. Sweet little Jo, say your name, say your whole name. Joseph James, actually well. Nice.

Sweet little name, JJ. Let's call him JJ. MUSIC Joanne, look, this is the best you've looked. SIGHS What the hell? What's going on? I don't know. Honestly, what is it? What have you done?

I had Botox before I left. Wow. And I've makeup on. Wow, doesn't she look good, Jo? Absolutely smashing. Is that a New York City police car we're hearing in the background? It's just, are we recording?

We are. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, Chris. This is making me sound mental, but like, you know me now, I'm always very hard on myself. So when I'm, it's rare that I compliment myself. But I looked in the mirror this morning, I was like, I was almost saying my skin is too

glowy. I actually think you look too good. I was like, why is it glowing so much? I went to you and before I left and we just did Botox. I don't know why it's glowing so much. I did the Debbie Thomas does the late. I don't know why I'm glowing. I'm not pregnant.

I don't know what it is. I am drinking less. Well, there you go. Maybe that's the glow. The sheen of not drinking. And I've been on a lot of flights recently. Every time I'm on a flight, I'm lashing on the... The Panthen. The Panthen. I don't actually have any for the flight tomorrow. I'm going to buy some at Boots, I think, because I'm obviously flying. I'm flying out tomorrow to New York for our shows.

Yeah. So just to, just to say to our listeners, I am, I am zooming in live from Manhattan. Vogue is live in Battersea, but what's your name? Joe is live in Staines. Oh, you know the punchline to this one. Just outside Staines. I used to have sex with a man from Steins. It wasn't Joe, but it was another man. God, you've really been around, haven't you? He was in the... Well, I haven't been around, but I've been around places that we're around.

So it feels like I've been around. He was in a band. He was an absolute ride at the time, but I've since... Which band will beep it out? I would just say, I would tell you now, I don't think that would be hard to track down. How many band members are from Staines? I love the accent. I think, I think he honestly could have looked like chopped, chopped dog feet. And I would have said with that accent honey, go for it.

I'm the same with the geezer accent. The, what's that? What's that place just outside? It's between Gatwick and Clapham. Croydon. Fucking. Oh, Croydon is good. Glaswegian accent. Um, I know the proper New York accent when I was, when I was flying in the, what I've noticed is Americans, they shut the way they shut the windows on the planes. They put the blinds down. Yeah. And I thought that was illegal. I take off. Yes it is. Oh, I, I They put the blinds down. Yeah. And I thought that was illegal. One take off. Yes, it is.

Oh, I'd put the blind down, but I do ask people beside me because I think some people might like a bit of a natch light. No one asked me and I noticed all the domestic flights I've had, I've been wedged in the middle and the blinds have been down. Serves you right. For what? Not one to hold a grudge, but when we were in Australia, for some reason, I got the middle seat the entire time and not once did that glowy bitch offer me her seat. No.

I was middle every single flight. Yeah. And now I hope, yeah, I'll see you on the way to Toronto. You are a woman who has access to a private jet. We need to humble you on occasion. And yes, sometimes it's the middle seat in a domestic flight in economy, in econ, like the rest of us peasants. What's econ? What's econ?

I'm sorry. I'm heading there myself tomorrow. Yeah, you're going to econ. The guy sitting at the window, he put the blind down for the whole flight and then we were landing into Manhattan and the pilot said, you're going to Econ. The guy sitting at the window, he put the blind down for the whole flight and then we were landing into Manhattan and the pilot said, you'll notice we're flying over the Empire State Building directly and still no one opened their blinds. What? And I'm this Irish tourist between these two New Yorkers who are hardened by the city and couldn't give a shit and I asked the guy beside me, I was like, would you mind lifting the blind, please? Of course.

Yeah. So I can see the lady. And he lifted it, not fully lifted it. And he looked down and he goes, it's over the other side. And then he shut the blind again. No. Oh, my God. Yeah. But my point was the little bit of interactions we had, it was actually I said to him you can shut it if you want because it was around the other side and he did shut it.

I was like I just would love to see the runway. I just love to see anything New York. Ah no, the only time I ever close it is if the sun is coming in too hard and I can't like see my laptop or something, that's when I'll close it. But like when I fly home and I'm flying over Hoth, like I've been in Hoth a bazillion times and I'm literally like hanging off the seat looking to see Hoth. Like I know it's like how could you not want to see it? A hundred percent. I'm the same flying into Dublin. Like not that Hoth isn't Hoth but it's the same. I just love looking down and see that's the whole point of flying is that

you're up high and you can see down low and it looks so pretty and peaceful and that's the magic of it all. It's not just to sit there in this fucking blacked out cabin. Now, not to not to paint everyone with the same brush, but it's only because I was watching those TikTok videos that are on Instagram. I still don't know what they're called. Whatever. And I was watching this one and this man, it was in America and it was like, I think it was like they were going to Dallas or something. And this fella put his seat back and this man went absolutely mental and was like booting his seat board and the arrows had to come back and was like, you see, everybody is allowed to put their seat back. And only when she said that to him, he was like, oh, okay, fine,

fine, whatever. It is the ongoing debate about the ethics of putting your seat back. It does seem like the thing I think this is how I would handle it. You ask the person, do you mind if I put my seat back? And if they're a real prick, they'll say, yeah, they kind of have to go along with it because it is your legal right on an airplane to put your seat back. Do you remember those things they had, those contraptions they were selling to stop the person in front of you putting

their seat back, you could put a stopper in it. Yeah. I would I would put a stopper in it. Yeah. I would kind of insinuate it. I turn around and I'm like, I'm just going to like, I wouldn't ask in case I got to know, but I'd be like, I'm just going to pop it. But I bought something recently because I was watching this girl who was like, this is how I get seven hours sleep in an economy flight. And I was like, well, that's actually, I want to know. So basically I bought, I got myself one of those neck pillows.

They're not to be sniffed at. Amazing. And then I got this, what's kind of essentially a bag and you hang it off your, um, your tray table in front and it, it's to, it's a hoist for your feet. So you put your feet in it. So I've got this feet hoist and I've got a... Now she had loads of other shit. Like she had a pile of crap that she was putting on that I wouldn't really be arse doing, but I would do the seat hoist. I have the seat hoist and I have the seat neck pillow for

my flight tomorrow. Like a homemade hammock, if you will. That's what it's called. It's a foot hammock. Wow. Do you have one? That's amazing. I feel like though, I feel like there's a bit of anger in the air at the moment. Do you feel that? Yes, I was taking the kids to gymnastics and I was parked on a single yellow line on a Sunday.

All drivers know that a single yellow line on a Sunday you can park on. This woman and I was getting one of the kids out of the back of the car, this woman beeped at me so hard and I was standing with the door open and she started screaming at me and was like, you stupid fucking bitch. Oh my God. I was like, she's like, yeah, you can't park. I was like, it's a single yellow. And then she screamed.

I was like, I've got kids in the car. Like stop screaming. My kids were like, mommy, why is she shouting at us? And I was like, oh, so I feel the car. Like, stop screaming. My kids were like, Mammy, why is she shouting at us? And I was like, oh. So I feel like people are raged at the moment. There's a lot of mental frustration on the roads. The roads are where you go to project the anger from whatever domestic situation you're in. Do you know what I mean?

It's like I'll hit out at a stranger rather than hit out at my husband. Maybe she just found out her husband's cheating on her. Maybe she's just got a diagnosis of something terrible. We don't know, do you know what I mean? Do you know what? You said that ages ago to me about when someone was being an arsehole. I can't remember what the story was. And I actually always think that now.

I'm like, well, she must be having a bad day. But like, in fairness, you can't be taking out your bad day on other people that you do have to consider. No, but people do. Like I, so, Road road rage is renowned for it. My thing is, and I have to remind myself to do this all the time because I do tend to take things, I used to take things very personally. I'm like, it's not personal.

So you know the way we were in a shop, like there was a woman, there was a cabin crew on the plane yesterday who was really rude to me. And I, of course, because I'm a proud person, I get really angry and I'm like, I want to complain. I'm like, she's fucking come on to fucking leave it. It doesn't matter. She's obviously having a shit day. Like the flight was absolutely packed. It's stressful. You know what I mean? They're trying to serve 300 people on a plane with one trolley.

Like it's stressful. But when I was doing one of the shows in Denver, there was a girl in because obviously I've been doing shows in America. I was in Portland and then I was in Seattle and then I did shows in Denver. There was a girl in, because obviously I've been doing shows in America, I was in Portland and then I was in Seattle and then I did shows in Denver. And there was a woman in the front row in the show in Denver, in one of them, because there was four shows, so I'm not rinsing anyone here. And she had the biggest frown on her face. She had a face like a smacked arse for the whole thing. And she's literally in my crotch. She is center and front. And I was like, I was looking at her. And so you're trying to think what's

going on in the room. You're trying to think where you're going to go with the show, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, the old me would have been really bothered by her. But I was like, I don't know what she's doing. I don't know what day she's had. This isn't personal to me. Well, don't go to the show then. They paid their right to sit there. If she wants to scale the whole time with her arms folded looking into my crotch and not getting eye contact with me and not once smiling. Maybe she thought you had a lovely gi.

Maybe she did. Maybe she was one of those dogs who can smell Alzheimer's. She knew that there was some sort of infection. Maybe she was distracted. She's like this woman has the clapp and I don't know how to tell her. Just. God, I can smell the infection. Gross. I actually. You're right. Maybe that's what it was.

Maybe she was. She's like a Marvel character or something, and she has a superpower and she didn't know how to address it with me. Let's go with that. Maybe her friend. Maybe her friend got her tickets and she thought that her friend was going to cancel on her and then her friend didn't cancel. So then she had to go out when she was expecting you to cancel. So she was raging.

Exactly. Exactly. Maybe she thought I was Aisling B. You know, you just don't know. You wouldn't know. Maybe she was expecting somebody else. Maybe she thought it was Ghosted Live and she was expecting you to be there. You don't know what's going on. There was a man in Denver as well at one of the shows, bald lad, blue t-shirt, him I will rot out and he had his arms folded for the whole thing. I said, do you go out with the lads much? No.

And at the very end I did a thank you to everyone who took part in the show and I pointed to him and I said, no thanks to you. everyone who took part in the show and I pointed to him and I said, no thanks to you. First time it's happened to me, which I think considering how much I fly is pretty impressive. My luggage didn't turn up in Portland. But you know, a direct flight to Portland. So flew to Seattle and then to Portland. Oh, I'd say it was, I'd say it was was an R airline that lasted is what you're trying to say. It wasn't there.

It was, it was the Delta. But like, do you know what? Very well. So basically my connection was so short between Seattle and Portland that the woman in Heathrow was like, I'm going to put a sticker on these bags saying hot, hot bag. So they take them off first and they get them to you. So you don't miss your connection. It's an attractive bag.

And I was like, I know, yeah. I was like, look at my sexy, look at my sexy. She's gorgeous. Look at. My purple. Is it purple or orange? I can't remember. It's coral orange. Gorgeous. So anyway, I arrive in Seattle and I'm waiting for the two hot, hot bags to come out. One comes out last, second doesn't arrive at all. I was like, well, that's fucking great. But

anyway, it had all my skincare in it. And I was like, oh my God, I'm such a vain bitch. What am I going to do? I'm going to fucking dry out within 48 hours. Like I'm, I need to be embalmed at all times. That was the first thing I thought of. And then I thought, no, she'll be OK, because I know she'll have a bag of shit in the plane.

Oh my God, I'm going to have to use CeraVe. I love CeraVe. But do you know what someone was saying to me? They're like, chip your bag. And I was like, isn't it gas way people will chip their luggage and not their kids? Like, why wouldn't you chip your kids? I've chipped my kids.

Have you? Well, because when they went skiing in a group, because I get really anxious. So I, and I just changed all the, all the air tags because of what happened to you. I've got all my bags are good to go, but I put AirPods in T in his, in him, in his ski suit. There you go. In his ski suit, because I was like, I want to know where he is. And then do you not have anyone on Find My Friends? I have loads of people on that we've put on when we were drunk and they don't remember, but I don't, I'm not even telling you who it is here because I like to have a little peep. Like, where are

they? If I had kids, I would genuinely take them to the vet and get them chipped. I'd be a nervous wreck at all times. I know, but they don't go anywhere at this age. Not really. Like they're always kind of with you. I don't know when you let them go to the shop and shit. Like when does that happen? People steal kids folk. People steal them. We've heard the stories. People steal kids. I know. No one tried to steal me. Well, I was on a harness. Remember I was on a lead. I was never put on a lead. I don't put my kids on a lead either.

Well I was adopted so there was an extra level of love there. That's true. They were really... I'd say sometimes my mom was just like, oh am I forgetting doing this here for a few hours, see what happens. Whereas my mom would be terrified that someone would come and take me back, you know what I mean? So she's like strapping. Yeah. So I had a little harness lead on me at all times. Yeah. Connor, my brother didn't really. That's funny, isn't it? Just me. Ah, Connor. Sorry. Connor was allowed to walk free in the wild.

Here, I just, I noticed another Instagram account, by the way. You know the way you, I'm going to, I don't know if I'll send you the video Joe. But so I went I saw this Instagram account and I was like mules and I went on to it like they've been sending me mails. Mails and mails and mails about me wearing mules about my hands and my feet and the mules and the mules and the mules and the mules. Some people. Sorry what are mules? Like those little leprechaun shoes that I have. Mules. A shoe is a mule. Oh sorry, the ones that you're wearing, the little bondage boots. Yeah, but they're fantastic shoes. Yeah. Yeah. I have packed them from New York in case you were worried. Don't worry. I have them packed.

I don't know what a mule is. A mule is kind of like the leprechaun shoes that that woman slagged me in Jordan Chase. A mule! Just a mule. Anyway, there's an account that's been following me and it basically mails me all the time. I've taken a video and he's like, Leopard mules. Best hands and souls out there. Vogue, mules only for you. Come on. Mule party. Vogue, you want some type of mule strike? He's obviously got a mule fetish or something, does he? Like a mule kink. I think he must have like a foot, obviously a foot kink.

But like that includes mules. And I just thought there's so many like you had the meow. The meow is funny. I enjoy the meow. The mule doesn't really make sense to me. There was a guy, I think we spoke about him before, he runs a kind of a YouTube channel in Ireland. I say runs, this makes it sound like it's all official, where he just posts videos of celebrities in leather leggings. Stop. I featured once or twice, delighted, obviously.

Really? That's when you know you've made it in Ireland, when you're on your man's fucking CD YouTube channel, wearing your platters. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don'tpp, the lip sync queen. She is the lip sync queen in fairness. She's amazing. She is the lip sync queen and king. Let's remove gender from this completely. She's the lip sync master and she does our videos sometimes, which is great because I rather her videos than ours, to be honest.

And she posts them online. I sometimes reshare them, but she did it behind the scenes because she did the she took off the Mariah Carey singing bit that we did the other week. And she did it behind the scenes and she mentioned she kind of how she gets her faces and her mouths and then she goes, well obviously because Vogue has an underbite. And I just fell over. An underbite. This is like Christmas Day. This is so exciting. I will be honest with you. The only reason it came to my attention because I'd missed the video was because Joanne had written under it, get me into an urn immediately I'm dead.

And I thought, you know what Joanne McNally, fuck you. I couldn't believe it because I've always thought there was something a little off. I do not have an under bite. I was briefly for a brief five moments, five minutes, I was deeply offended and I was like Joanne's after repost and she's a dick. And then I was like, and Katie's a dick too. Why are they all saying I've an underbite? Do you know how long I spent getting my teeth the way I did and then I rang Neil and I said do you know what Neil, do you know what these bitches are saying about me on the internet? After all that money you need to go back to our dentist and demand the money back that you spent on these teeth because

I've obviously got an underbite. In defense of Kayleigh she did say it is a possible underbite. It's just the way, she did say it is a possible underbite. It's just the way you hold your lower. It's just the way you've got kind of a large mouth, as we know, and sometimes when you have... Sometimes it hangs open. Kayleigh, I don't have an underbite. If I had an underbite, there's nothing wrong with them, by the way. Bertie has a slight underbite and that's one of the reasons I love them the most. I think as she's talking about, she's trying to take off your, the way you pronounce your words. So she, you, you do use your, your bottom part of your mouth, because I'm looking at your mouth all the time. It's my job. I literally stare into your mouth twice a week.

It takes up my whole face. And you do, when she does your, when she does your face, you can't see, you can see, you kind of stretch out your mouth more than say I would stretch out my mouth. You can only, well, when you look at my face when I'm talking, I suppose the most that you can see is the mouth. Wait, let me show you this picture my mum sent me when I was younger. Like it's always been the same. You can always see my tonsils. Obviously I'm crying here.

Can you see that? My tonsils. Full tonsils. I said to my mum, what's wrong? She goes, you didn't get what you wanted. I was like, yeah, you probably never gave me anything because you hated me, mum. That's a real child like cry where you can see into their stomach because their mouth is open so wide. That's just my mouth. You can always just see into my stomach because there's so much

going on. Well, there you go. It's obviously not actually offended by the undergrades and I still think Kayleigh is brilliant, but I think if you're going to point out anything, I don't know what, no, she's been kind because you know what she didn't do? She didn't do the easy route and go moly moly moly, which was everyone would do that. Just focus on the mole. Oh yeah, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Well, I think she does this very well. I think she's a better host than we are to be honest. She's amazing. And she's hotter than me. So I prefer posting videos of her.

I know I like having her skin in fairness. She's done. I've met her a couple of times at events. Um, she's really nice. It's such a skill. Sometimes I go down my TikTok holes and I'm obsessed. You know, this TikTok that they're doing at the moment. If you're one Rachel at the X factor auditions, I'm singing. You know this TikTok that they're doing at the moment if you're one Rachel at the X Factor auditions, I'm singing around the towns and everything. I can't do the accent. I think she's Welsh, but she it's one of the X Factor. It's Sharon Osborne and a woman called Rachel. And Sharon's like, what do you do for a living?

She says nothing. I'm lazy at the moment. And so the video has gone viral. People are taking it off lip syncing. I don't know what's so fascinating about lip syncing. It's so impressive to watch. I absolutely love it. Oh, it's such a massive skill. When you're over here, folk, we should maybe try and do a...

You're dying to do a TikTok trend. OK, well, you're going to have to find the trend, because obviously you're more on the TikTok buzz than I am. So find the trend and I'll dance. I will dance. My friend, Nikki, who I run anxious preoccupied with, my business partner, I guess, but she's my friend first and foremost. She was like when we were doing the shoot for Anxious Preoccupied recently, she was

like, will we do the brat apple dance? And I was like, oh my God, Nikki, you're so embarrassing. That is over. Even I knew that was over. I was like, that's long dead, Nikki. We were just aiding ourselves as middle aged women. That's like what's going to do the ice bucket challenge now. Like it's gone. Oh my God, we should bring back the ice bucket challenge. Very uncomfortable. I'd rather not.

I'm going to get you in an ice bath if it kills me. If there's an ice bath to be had in New York, we're going to find it and we're going to do it. Guess how far we are from Central Park when you get here. How many minutes? 16. I know. I'm going to take you on on 5Ks every day. I have no problem going on 5Ks but I will be doing my walkie runs. I kind of trot and stop and trot and stop.

You're well able to do it, you just don't force yourself. Trot and stop and then go in for a drink and then go back on the track and trot and stop and that's it. Did you hear about that woman? Well, I actually sent you the thing. I read the story. I was reading the Daily Mail where I got all my news and there was a woman who her husband died and she basically nursed him through being really sick and then he died and then

she was doing something on his iPad after he died and she found all this shit that basically he'd been cheating on her for years and years and years and she got so upset and angry that she ate his ashes. Oh! Could you imagine? What sort of revenge is that? I don't know. She was obviously, you know when you get really angry, really angry and you nearly can't control yourself, you're so angry.

Like the last time it happened to me, I broke a laptop and this was years ago. But she got so angry that she obviously just started stuffing his ashes into her mane. I suppose it's like the last bad thing she could do to him. Well I guess if I thought about it, if I was in one packet, I guess it means that she's eventually going to pass him. She's going to defecate her husband down the toilet, which is the ultimate revenge, actually. That is actually, it's better than just flushing him down the toilet. It's like, I'm going to pass you through my system and you're going to go out.

You piece of shit. Yeah, you piece of shit. There you go. Yeah. So now I understand. Now I understand. I was a bit shocked when I heard that first, but I kind of, I kind of get the thinking behind it now. What a great move. Fair play to her. Joanne being shocked. It always amazes me. Eating to me is like an enjoyable experience. You know, like that. Yeah, no, I understand it now. That was a great move on her part. But I imagine that happens a lot. Oh, I'd say like the right now. In fairness, I could think like, because then I'd feel

like I would have to do something gross having to eat him. I'd rather, I don't know, chuck him in a bin or something like, or put him in the dog shit bin. There's a literal dog shit bin in Battersea Park. He'd go in there. Actually, you know what? Feeding him to the dog would be better and let the dog pass him out. No, because then you have to collect us and bring it home. No, no, no, no, no.

You're better off just doing it, doing it by a human. Yeah, great idea. But can you imagine the amount of men and women who die suddenly? And when I say men and women, I mean men. And then you open up their laptop and you find all the shit that they did. I know, like any of that with your phone or anything, would you want anyone looking through your whole phone when you die? No.

What happens to all our WhatsApps when we die? Where do they go? Do they die with us? I'll look after yours if you look after mine. On my death, the phone will explode, the handset will explode. Put them in the bath like a road, put them in the bath. Put them in the bath, take a hammer to it, submerge them in water like a road did. I don't know, I think you can still find the WhatsApp though, which is quite terrifying. It's my worst nightmare. My biggest fear in life, I'd say top three, is I'll be involved in a court case at some stage and the government

will have to have access to my WhatsApps and they'll be read out in a court of law. Are you planning a Rebecca Vardy moment or something like that? Just throw it into the North Sea. I'll have to. I'll have to. Actually, I just wouldn't want anyone like, well, do you know what? I feel like we air a lot of our dirty laundry anyway on here, so I don't feel like there's that much that's left over. I mean, we all have our moments, you know yourself. It just feels like that's your,

they're your private thoughts that you happen to make public in your way to your friends. I mean, you know, I was, I was playing, I have a little game on Never Live a Day and my other podcast, I'm allowed to say where it's from because it's global. And like Joanne's other podcast where she's not allowed to say where it's from. But I have a game where you basically have to put, you put like a word into your WhatsApp and you read the message that comes up and some of the shit that comes up, I'm like, I'm not reading that one, not reading that one. Because like you just actually forget.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, I forgot about those psychotic moments. Sometimes it's not our best selves. Sometimes it's not our most kind, considerate selves, our most rational selves. Sometimes it's just our spiky selves. And to have them read out in a court of law, like, do you remember it was in a, which I always, it was, was it Danielle was the other one? Colleen was the main one. Then who was the other one?

No, Rebecca Vardy. Sorry, Rebecca Vardy. And she was done. No, I was going to say done for. She wasn't done for. She didn't go down for calling someone a c*** on WhatsApp. But there was, anyway, we know that I was completely obsessed with that court case. It's just my worst fear. I did an interview last week to promote my pot and I was in an interview and it was like, oh, what, like, have you ever stolen something? Like she asked me if I'd stolen something and I was like, I know, I actually haven't stolen in a while, but I used to like pay my friends to, to rob the stacks of Miss Selfridge

eyeshadows. Like, as in like, I like my friends would be going in to rob their own and I just say, like which of course it's bad, but we're all 14, but friends would be going in to rob their own and I'd just say, like, which of course it's bad, but we're all 14, but they'd be going in to rob their own and I'd be like, here, I'll give you two euro or two quid if you just robbed me a stack as well. And then I just got all of these Google alerts. Vogue Williams admits she paid people to steal stacks of eyeshadow from High Street store. I paid people to steal stacks of eyeshadow from High Street store. All of them and said that I'm another one. She paid people to steal for her, but is now a reformed character.

Oh, my God. That sounds it's worse than I fancy myself. It's worse than. I don't know if it is. I think I think everyone fancies me. It was not the headline, everyone fancies me, wasn't that the headline? Everyone fancies me. I just think, but this one looks like I'm soliciting gangs to rob for me.

It was my friends in school. You're like Fagin from Oliver Twist. You're like running this kind of old school Victorian criminal gang. Oh my God. If you went to prison, you'd be a pocket bitch. Got to pick a pocket too. No, a pocket bitch. So if prison, you'd be a pocket bitch. Got to pick a pocket too. No, a pocket bitch. What's a pocket bitch?

If we knew you went to prison. So I don't know, because we're always we can never decide who's actually in charge. But one of us. So when you're when you're each other's bitches, you pull out the pocket and the bitch holds the pocket and the main one drags them around the prison. Stop. Where did you learn that? In prison. So you'd be you learn that? In prison. So you'd be in prison and you'd pull your pocket out and then I'd be holding onto

your, oh my God, do you know where I'd like to be in prison? I've noticed this. If I, the other day I was spending time on my own and I've been here on my own in America for so long, I was like, I'd be well suited to the hole in prison. If I was in prison with you, I'd be like, put me in the hole. Once I had a bath in there and a bath bomb and a bottle of Merlot, I'd be like, I could stay in the hole for years, I'd say. You'd be like, guys, can I go for my spa day again?

I know I was just in there the other day, but I'd love to go back down. Yeah, close the door, close the door. That's an interesting name for the hole. But yeah, give me a sheet mask, put me in the hole. I'd be happy out. No, I'd be working in the library, I think. I'd be happy out. No, I'd be working in the library. I think I've thought about this as well. I would be working in the library. I wouldn't want to do the laundry. I don't want to do the laundry. It's too, I don't like, I don't like Arnie.

Well, Michaela McCallum got a job in the beauticians. She was in the salon. Do you remember? And she came out looking like a knockout and everyone was like, hold on. We thought you were doing hard time. Remember she came out, she'd had a glow up in Peru. Yeah, yeah. She had a glow up. She had two kids. God, I actually do remember a lot about her. Where did her friends go though? Well, I suppose they weren't friends, they were just drug friends. She kind of disappeared. She kind of kept a low profile. As Michaela's kept a low profile, she's kind of gone into business now. Which is why you were getting people to rob eyeshadow

for you. That was your first business. I didn't want, listen, I didn't want to go down for the crime myself and I apologize deeply to miss Selfridge, but I enjoyed your eyeshadow stacks and, but they were too expensive and so I couldn't afford them. So yes, I paid my friends two pounds to rob them and I apologize. Yeah. How was a child supposed to afford makeup when it's not working? Do you know what I mean? You give us no choice. Who's going to buy my clear mascara? Okay? You want us to be cute. We need to be cute babies. We can't work. We need people to

rob ship. That's fucking science, man. One of my favorite stories. Did you hear about this? A burglar broke into a woman's home, hung out her washing, put her shopping away and emptied the recycling bin before leaving a creepy note. But I read the note. The note was just like, look after yourself and scratch. Okay, the scratching was a bit weird. She said she was too scared to stay in her own home. The note says, don't worry, be happy, eat up and scratch. He also refilled her bird

feeders, changed the tops on her electric toothbrushes and he's in fucking prison doing 22 months. He should be on 30 quid an hour, not prison. If this man is looking for a job and he gets out, I am telling you, I have got so much bits and bobs to do around this house. I like, but what a bizarre, what you go to prison for? Well, I actually went into someone's house and cleaned it. Yeah.

This woman sounds like she feels judged. And that's why she's gone to the police about this because this is simply a case of someone trying to do a good deed, trying to be sound and pay something forward and it's been thrown back in his face and now he's in prison in Cardiff. He should be getting the boats. 22 months as well. Like that is a serious amount of time.

Sometimes you can get away with manslaughter for 22 months. Her bird feeders were empty. She should be going to prison for that, starving the birds. She absolutely hates animals. She clearly hates animals. What else did he do? He went on to use a shower in a summer house to wash and clean his clothes. Oh it's getting a bit weird now. He's just trying to move in now. She says I wonder if it was somebody who knew me, which would suggest she knew the place needed a bit of a spring clean. My dad used to get robbed all the time. I've

no idea. Well, I do kind of know why. He used to like, I drive by his house sometimes and I'd ring him and I'd be like, are you home? And he'd be like, no. And I'd be like, well, your front door is wide open. And he'd be on a main, his house was on a main road, on a main road beside traffic lights. And I was like, I'd be like, why is your door open? And he'd be like, well, no one's going to think I'm not there if the door's lights. And I was like, I would like, why is your door open? He was like, well, no one's going to think I'm not there if the doors open. And I don't really know if that's really ever. I know what he's saying. It's like, no, he's kind of like give the illusion of security by having none.

Just to say, I'm reading this story fully and your man had been done for assault previously. So I'm not saying it's I'm not saying he's a saint. I'm just saying it seems like a harsh punishment for cleaning someone's gaff. I think that he should just maybe stick to cleaning his own home. Yeah, fair. Yeah, fair enough. And I was robbed recently and I would have preferred a spring clean than the robbery itself. But that guy's obviously from America.

Well when he gets out, please get in touch. Joanna's a lot of organizing she would like to have done. I have a spare room that's absolute carnage at the moment. It could really do with a burglar. A burglar with a conscience. Great. Do you know the way we were trying to find the dog that you were most similar to? Yes. You're not similar to a dog. Do you know what you were most similar to. Yes. You're not similar to a dog. Do you know what you are?

You are a penguin. Do you know why? Penguins take more than 10,000 micro naps a day. And it only adds up to 11 hours sleep. So like they're not, they're not just asleep all day, but they take all these micro naps, 10,000 of them and it makes up their sleep. Yep. they're not just asleep all day, but they take all these micro naps, 10,000 of them and it makes up their sleep. Yep. That's me. Me and some of the comics are actually talking about this backstage in

Denver. We were talking about the fact that it's a skill that you learn and then once you have it, you don't unlearn it. It's probably the best thing about me, I would say, is my ability to sleep and nap. Never had a problem napping. I could sleep standing up in a train cart. So I have to I have to buy myself feet hammocks. Like I really have to prepare myself for the nap. Like I'm going to be taking earplugs, everything on that flight. I have to be well prepared.

But like I think it is a thing with comics because you work late at night. So I was doing a show at Ben Elton and he does shows and he was saying that he like always naps before a show and goes straight to sleep after. That's something that's amazing to be able to sleep straight after. I'll be up to like 5am in New York. Well, that does show a lack of interest in your career, I will say. If you could fall asleep straight after a show, it means there's absolutely no adrenaline in your body whatsoever. That says that bangs of someone ringing it in.

Sorry, Ben. Like, that's weird. Although I do remember Des Bishop saying to me at one stage, he was like he was touring so much at one stage that there was he walked off stage in Cork once and he was asleep within 10 minutes on the couch because he was wrecked. So maybe maybe I'm being too harsh on Ben. Maybe maybe Ben is not napping before, but I think he did tell me he was napping before, so it is unusual to have a double. I won't be able to sleep at all after the show. When this goes out, our show is happening in New York. No, you've missed Boston. You missed it. But you will not miss New York.

New York and Toronto. Did you see, why was that a kiddie wave the other day. Yeah, I think I did see that. There's loads of free stuff that goes on in London and they decided to have, sorry Jo, I didn't even think of inviting you. Sorry Jo, you don't, I don't think about you at all. I did, I forgot to invite people who had kids and it was literally in a nightclub, just like where they have normal raves and it was just a kiddie rave and I was just DJing, They had foam, like it was a foam party, balloons going all over the place. It was absolutely deadly. Switzerland. Switzerland has made a law that you can't own one guinea pig.

You have to have two because they get lonely, which I think is a fascinating take from a country who let you kill yourself. The Swiss are always on our radar. What did they do last week? lonely, which I think is a fascinating take from a country who let you kill yourself. The Swiss are always on our radar. What did they do last week? They said you couldn't become a citizen if you were too annoying. I think they are magnificent. They don't smell. We've decided as well ages ago, we were like, I bet you the Swiss all smell really nice and they're really clean. And now this. Well they're pro, I'm pro dignitas, I have to say, but I just think it's a really, it's, you can either say it's kind of a strange take that they won't allow a guinea pig.

Well, I suppose no, because they're like, I'm not going to allow a guinea pig struggle, nor will I allow a human being struggle. I think Switzerland have shown themselves to be the soundest country in the world. I think they honestly, they are up there. I'm going to go start like, I don't know what the Swiss men are like but we should probably check them out. I've I'd say they're fairly straight up. Now there's one bad thing about Switzerland.

I heard it is very expensive. It's very expensive. There was a what have you seen these new suicide pods that they've made? I know. With nitrogen. Did you see the pod? Did you see the picture of the pod stuck in the trees in the woods because the woman who used it wanted to die in nature and now there's just this huge,

it looks like a UFO was landed in a forest and they're trying, I don't know why they haven't taken it back out and now they've made some arrests because they're, I don't know, it's all a bit sus. Well, they weren't supposed to be doing it. But sorry, one more thing about animals. Like I know that the Swiss said that you need to have two kidney pigs. But do you remember? I don't know what it was. I think it was that ad that came out and everyone started getting a pet meerkat. But they were only getting one meerkat.

And suppose the meerkats are real pack animals. So like the one meerkat was like dying of depression because it was just left on its own the whole time. Yeah. So some animals are meant to be pack animals, much like a sugar glider, which is an animal I would love to have. A sugar glider. What's that name? It's kind of like a flying rat. They're so cute, though.

They've got these really big eyes. I read about one in a book, Frank and Cleopatra or something like that, and it was a really good book. But she had a sugar glider and it made me look into sugar gliders. We're all social creatures, even animals. You know, we need company. That's what we need. And guinea pigs are no different. into sugar gliders. We're all social creatures, even animals. 100%. We need company. That's what we need.

And guinea pigs are no different. You find a guinea pig in a little suicide pod next in Switzerland because it was left alone. That suicide pod, there's something we must look into that because there is something weird going on around that. Well, I didn't do a massive dive on it now, but the people they've arrested, half of them they've let go. Because basically they can't be, maybe it's because they drove the pot into the woods.

I don't know. They obviously feel like they've played a part they weren't supposed to play. You sent this thing in the group about a woman she faced, but she was a TikTok. Oh God, everything's on TikTok. So she was on TikTok and she documented her dating life just five months after her husband had died and someone wanted to know how she moved on so quickly and she said because one guy dying isn't going to ruin the rest of my life and everyone kind of jumped on her being like that

that is so bad. But I mean some people are just some people are quick movers. I honestly I need company. I don't think I'd be hanging around for too long. I'd say she killed him. I've been watching a lot of forensic files in America. It sounds like she killed him. Allegedly, allegedly sounds like she killed him. Sorry. How quickly? Okay. How quickly? How quickly would you move on? Like I honestly, I think I'd start feeling really lonely after three, four weeks. I think I'd have to start considering it. It depends a lot on where the relationship is when my partner passed.

Do you know, if things were good, I might take my time. If things weren't good, I'd probably hook up with someone at the funeral or the afters. Great spot to find someone. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, because you're, they think you're vulnerable, but you're not. But they'd want you to move on. I'd make sure I'd get that in writing before they left. I'd be like, you'd want me to move on, wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you? Tell me that. Tell me that so everyone can hear and no one will feel bad. I don't think I want anyone to move on. Like if I die early and this pod keeps going, I don't want you to reply. I want you to keep this screen open and it's just an empty screen so that you're constantly reminded of my loss. I think you to keep this screen open. It's just an empty screen so that you're constantly reminded of my loss. I think that we can make that happen.

If you replace me with Laura Whitmore or Angela Scanlon within a week of me dying, I'll be absolutely raging. Let the record show. Let the record show. Do you want to hear some shortest, the shortest marriages? Let me see if you can guess any famous people short show. Do you want to hear some shortest, the shortest marriages? Let me see if he can guess any. Famous people short marriages. Oh, okay. Oh, well JLo and Ben. Would JLo and Ben be in the short marriage? No, no, no. Oh, we're talking kind of minutes, are we? Real, like, Pamela Anderson and John Peters. Do you even remember that? Probably not. It

was quite recent. 12 days. He was the guy who was doing her garden. Wasn't he the carpenter who came to her house to build a shed or something? I don't know. He only lasted 12 days. Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphreys, remember when that was a big scandal? That was actually 72 days. So I think that we all need to apologize to her.

That is a decent sized marriage. That's long enough to get sick of someone for sure. Yeah, 100 percent. And Carmen Elect enough to get sick of someone for sure. Yeah. Hundred percent. Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman. Nine days. Again, Dennis Rodman, great one for you. That's an annulment really, isn't it? If it's a nine day thing. I don't know. I don't know how like, I mean, I would be lying if I said I didn't look into annulment myself to save some face, But it was it was too far gone for me.

I don't know. I think the rules are the annulment has to be quite quickly. That possibly could be an annulment. Save some face. Nicholas Cage, four days, four days. Come on, Nick. Is it a drunken thing? Is it like for press? Why would you do that? It's just a great idea.

I'd fucking I tell you now, put this on the record. When I'm trying to promote the next tour, a quick celebrity marriage wouldn't it would do me no harm. Do you know what I've just remembered? I don't even know if I should say this. My dad got married and he actually had his first marriage in old. I forgot about that. It was so short. It was like not even beyond the honeymoon.

Yeah, it was bad. Yeah. And Joe was just telling me that basically the shortest marriage ever was between a Kuwaiti couple. Who divorced three minutes after their wedding ceremony in 2019. Oh, my God. The room called the bride stupid for tripping while they were leaving the court. And they got it. Imagine. I mean, it feels like there was something brewing there, doesn't it? I don't think

there was any love lost in that marriage. Imagine calling your bride stupid on the day. Like come on, surely you should get the day where you're not scrapping with your fella. Come on, the day. Just not the day. Well that's it. Thank you for listening. Joanne, get ready. My bags are here. They're packed. I'm coming to get you tomorrow. Amazing. We're going for cocktails. We're going for cocktails in New York.

We're going for cocktails in New York. Yeah!