My Therapist Ghosted Me - "I Just Went"

Episode Date: November 19, 2021

There's another, particular word that needs striking from the record this week. Alternatives need to be sought! Find out all about Vogue's adventures in New York and why Joanne was NOT in the First Class carriage. Plus Catfishing and wedding etiquette! If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comFinally... My Therapist Ghosted Me (and Joanne!) are shortlisted for a National Comedy Award!! Please vote here: https://www.thenationalcomedyawards.com/Thank you!

Now just before you hear the episode we wanted to let you know that My Therapist Ghosted Me has now been shortlisted for a National Comedy Award in the Best Comedy Podcast. It's actually thanks to you guys because you already voted for us and we are shortlisted. We're allowed to go and also Joanne has been shortlisted for the Best Comedy Breakthrough Award so please let's get voting for her. She totally deserves to win. We would also love to win Best Podcast. So we'd be really grateful if you would vote for us again. And you can do that

at thenationalcomedyawards.com. And thank you so much for getting us this far already. Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams and Joanne McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of not needing an intro, yet Jo insists on doing it every week. On this week's podcast, we have suggestible feminism, single woman spinach and wedding etiquette. You know what else, like people, when people are are like she gets botox about me if i got botox there's not a hope in hell i'm gonna start discussing it on the pod because as soon as

you do that people are like well she doesn't really look like that it's the botox well sure i admit that i have botox and people put it in headlines about me yeah you see i'm not interested in that so you know what? I wouldn't... Obviously, I don't have it right now. Look at that. I wouldn't confirm it and I wouldn't deny it. Will I get it after the baby?

Couldn't tell you. I'm not going to admit it. Ever. Even when I'm 9,000... Are we recording? Even when I'm a 9,000-year-old dinosaur and I look fucking great, I still won't admit it.

Taught like a gherkin. She's like, none of your business. But yeah, I do find, because I am open about it, they put it in headlines. Drew McNally on Botox and babies. Like what?

I just said I have Botox. Like fucking everyone has Botox. Look at that. I look like the first time I met you before the Botox. Remember? What did you call yourself? Huh?

What you said about yourself. That I look like I'd slept in a George Foreman. Yeah, that's what I look like right now. Look at that! That video, that sketch that we did together in Republic of Tallie, that was the only one they let me write, or the only one that I wrote that they used. I'd say they're kicking themselves now. They're in their hell.

Well, actually, they're not in there, so... Republic of Tallie was axed pretty much as soon as I joined. That sketch that I still really like was Say Yes to the Dress yeah it was very funny my forehead in that it's a cheese grater

you said it looks like someone's taken a fork to my face I know that's what I look like right now I went for a facial today

Debbie Thomas Debbie Thomas you go there I was in with Dr. Ewan on a Sunday he's my new bestie we decided to be real friends,

like in the real world. Yeah, he looks quite sound, actually. I'd be into him. And so, and we get on really well. He's very funny, which, of course, I love. I tell my mum, I was like, I'm going to meet Dr. Ewan for a drink.

Oh, my God, amazing. I was like, he's gay. He goes, oh, for God's sake. But he did this revive thing on me, which is the new profiterole. You look like glossy. Thank you. Stop doing stuff like that when I'm pregnant.

It's not fair. I look like a wicked old witch. Don't get anything else done until I'm not pregnant anymore. I'm going to get that. I'm not even going to be scared. I'm going to do it right after childbirth. So I'm like, actually, this feels like nothing.

What's it called? Witch, the profiteroles. No, the sore. The Morpheus. Yeah. I have to get on to Susan Vaughan about that morpheus don't do that without me yeah no but I can't

we can't get it done at the same time anyway she only has one machine oh I'd have to go first I wouldn't be able to watch you in pain and then have to do it yeah no you go in separately

yeah and scream away like an asylum and then I go in scream away and then I'd come out looking gorgeous and you'd be like

I don't care how sore it is yeah I'd be like oh my god Vogue's got a new head your skin looks like silky like a silk pillow it's Dr. Ewan oh I'm gonna I wanna be care how sore it is. Yeah, I'd be like, oh my God, Vogue's got a new head. Your skin looks like silky, like a silk pillow. That's Dr. Ewan. Oh, I'm going to be

It hasn't even kicked in. It takes four or five days to properly kick in. Now, it's pretty spicy. Like, he, I looked like I'd had like a sexual facial. I was covered in

like goop. Jizz. Yeah, jizz. Yeah. As this kind of like numbing cream. And then it's like he injects hydrolytic acid

into your face, basically. But that is Profilo. No, but this is a more advanced Profilo. It's the new Prof and then it's like he injects hydrolytic acid into your face basically but that is Profilo no but this is a more advanced Profilo it's the new Profilo that's what he said it's called Revive it's the new Profilo

just once but you're not lined though are you insane look at my look at my forehead you're too little like you'd want to see me before

like I it was kind of weird how lined because I'm very expressive you want to see how liney Spenny is now? God. He like, I've never seen somebody like to face their own face.

What do you mean? He had this like spot on his chin under his beard and he like attacked it so much that like half of his, like his chin is so swollen that you can noticeably see half of it hanging down. And then I put it in his head that it might be an ingrown hair. Well, he came out with blood pumping out of his face. And I was like, what have you just done to yourself?

He basically like slices it off. And I went into the bedroom today and I actually sent him a text. I was like, this isn't acceptable to like, I'm not sharing a room with you. I went into the bedroom, there's lasagna all over the sheets. And then there was blood from his chin all over the sheets and then there was blood from his chin all over the sheets and tissues in the toilet

and tissues in the bin. I'm like, dude, no one wants to clean that up or look at it. I was like, that's disgusting. Span's gross, basically.

I think you need to put him in a cat bed out in the garden or like a kennel. Like, honestly. A shed. Build a little shed for Span now and just put him out there. He can pick away at his chin and eat his lasagna. Yeah. I was going to move into his mom shed build a little shed for Spano and just put him out there he can pick away

at his chin and eat his lasagna yeah I was going to move into his mom's for a little while I just can't bear it at the moment

I'm pregnant and I can't take it it's too disgusting for me I lived with lads before the first house I was in

I lived with lads before and like they're gross like it's gross they're absolutely disgusting I used to come home

and my flatmate at the time would have just like so he used to get a roast chicken to make stuff for himself for the week

and he'd pull the roast chicken apart with his hands and open all the cupboards so then you'd go and grab a cupboard and just grease everywhere and then there was like

puke all over the toilet one day because obviously he'd been out that weekend and I'd been in Dublin did day because obviously he'd been out that weekend and I'd been in Dublin. Did you say I'd been visiting or something? Vogue, please, I'm parsing.

It's all in the past. Oh my God. Puke on the floor. Oh God, no, I just, I can't. Certain people's living conditions I can't accept. Yeah, men should be ridden and enjoyed and then put out the back. I agree. In the garden. No? oh god no I just I can't certain people's living conditions I can't accept yeah men should be ridden and enjoyed

and then put out the back I agree in the garden no? too much? no I think that's right ride enjoy out the back

that's what I want like a man flap like a cat flap for a man just kick him out I might put that will I record myself saying that to Spenny later

go be gross in the garden yeah go be disgusting I'll record myself later I'll say Spen I've been thinking about things and I think that we should, we can still have sex every night,

but then you have to go and live in your mom's house. Yeah. Go down to the, see what he says. Just go somewhere else, not here. Yeah.

At least until your chin is healed. Yeah. I've climaxed and I've rung an Uber. Thank you. Goodbye. Bye. See you later.

I don't like that word climaxed either. What would you like? What do you call it? You thought it was called goofing off, so I don't think you know what's going on. Goofing off, I thought it was like frigging yourself. Oh, yeah, sorry. I wouldn't.

Do you like climax? No, I don't think so. What do you like? Don't know. Well, I do like it. I just don't like the word. Le petit mou. You're like, something's happening.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know I just don't like the word le petit mar you're like something's happening I don't know I don't know say anything about it I don't know identify what it is what is it help I'm going

I'm going do you ever find out weird things when you're younger I was in a podcast for Boots today and we were talking about like when you first

like learn to masturbate when you're younger like you just kind of learn to do it she's masturbate mad I'm not this isn't going in the pod but I'll tell you a funny story about me and a candle when you're younger. Like, you just kind of learn to do it. She's masturbating mad. I am not. I'm not. This isn't going in the pod,

but I'll tell you a funny story about me in a candle. I'll tell you a funny story about me in a shower head. Oh, I'm sweating. I might have to take off my baller neck. Gosh. Okay, Joanne, tell me about your week.

By the way, I nearly fell off the cage last night. Joanne texted me. She goes, I've updated the pod doc. And I was like, what? She's done fuck all. Watch this, girls. Watch it. One line.

Well, she'd fully updated the pod doc. I couldn't believe it. I'm a new woman. And I was kind of jealous. I was like, oh my God, no, I don't have all that stuff. I was like, folks very late updating the Google Doc. You were a K-hunt and I was kind of jealous I was like oh my god no I don't have all that stuff I was like folks very late updating the Google Doc you were a K-hunt?

I was in NY New York City yeah you talk about your week first because I need to find mine my week was so boring this week well I went to New York with Sven

well I went back to Dublin first to do a DJ gig haven't DJed in ages absolutely loved it you mean you haven't pressed play on a cassette tape in ages? for like honestly I had not touched a deck

in two and a half years and I was like what if I don't remember how to do it like what do I do you actually DJ

mix yeah I actually mix shut up I swear to god but you know what the thing about it is I got lessons off Dave what's his name

De Valera yeah Dave De Valera she's rubbing her head because he's bald yeah I! Dave De Valera. She's rubbing her head because he's bald, yeah. I know. Dave De Valera gave me lessons years ago

and he was like, once you get the beat, you'll get it. And it's so true. Once you get it, you get it. So yes, I do. And I find that offensive. I don't fade anymore.

Fade? So you can fade them in and out if you want. You go, I honestly, honest to God, in the interest of full transparency, assumed you stood there

with an iPod. No. I actually really enjoy it. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. I was at a party with, well, it was Irish people and everyone was just so sound.

I had seen them in ages. Yeah, you're like Tiesto. So, yeah, I went to New York. Absolutely brilliant. Just,

Spencer and I, we're not great on a city break together, I have to say go on he was like he was like trying to make New York this like amazing

like experience for me and I'm like Spenny do you know me at all like we went to Gemma Cassidy told us somewhere to go and get tacos

I love a taco so the best tacos you'll ever had we walked in in fairness it was like a shed it was absolutely disgusting like it was filthy

and we got the tacos and Spenny was raging because we'd spent like ages going down here i was thrilled nicest tacos ever he was absolutely disgusted he's not one to just walk around shops i was 45 minutes in footlocker i was enjoying myself okay yeah yeah buying the kids shoes me shoes i was having a great time in footlocker he was not having a great time in Foot Locker and then we got a Cronut have you ever had one of them? not my

I know it's kind of like a cake it's like a hybrid of a cake and a donut and a croissant and something else a donut and a croissant it's too much for me

listen it wasn't enough for me I only got one I was raging yeah we're not great on City Break Center but we did go to the CFDA which is this like

big fashion award. I was really nervous of going because I don't really like going to those things because I feel like you get really judged but like in fairness no one gave a shit about us there. Like really like they barely gave a shit about us here. They really didn't give a shit about us there. You're low rent here. You're very low rent there.

I'm not even on the rent scale over there. You're not even on the ladder there. No, nowhere near, but I went anyway and I didn't care because nobody knew who I was or gave a shit who I was. I just stood at the side of the stairs and watched everybody come up and just stared everyone out of it.

Emrata was there. Who? Emrata. Who's that? You know your one who was in the Robin Thicke video. Are you talking about Emily Ratajkowski? Yeah, they call her Emrata. Oh. Yeah, so she was there, right? And there was these two.

One of them was a supermodel. And I could just hear them, because I then started earwaking on people's conversations. And they were like, Oh my God, I love your work, Em. I love your... And I'm like, I love your work. What does she do? She does a lot.

Now, I... She's a... I know she's a model. Yeah. And her body... Yeah, it's out model. Yeah. And her body is... Yeah, it's out of control. Her body was just like... Honestly, I felt sorry for myself.

Yeah. There's not many people that can make you look out of shape, but she makes you look like a cronus. Oh, everybody there, I looked like a big fat dumpling compared to them. I couldn't believe the skinniness.

Yeah. Because you see them on telly, like Zendaya was there and like, just like a whippet. I have a problem. I find your one, Emily Ratajkowski, slightly problematic, to use the term, that I don't like using,

but I'm going to use it. Her idea, I find her ideas about feminism confusing. I agree. I don't think getting your tits out and being in a Robin Thicke song saying you want it is feminist. And at the time she said it was. And then, do you remember, she did a video, sheits out and being in a Robin Thicke song saying you want it is feminist. And at the time she said it was. And then do you remember she did a video she was wriggling around in a bikini in Linguini.

No. And she called that feminist. I'm like, I don't think that's feminist. I think feminism is like a collective thing. It's not an individual woman in a bikini riding a lasagna. Yeah. I just don't find it feminist. I don't find being attractive to men or attracting men feminist.

I don't find it feminist. I'm not men feminist. I don't find it feminist. I'm not buying your feminist. Also, just to finish, I don't think everything she has to, everything she does, she says it's feminist to suit herself. But not everything she does has to be feminist. It doesn't have to be.

Not everything I do is feminist. Everything I do sets feminism back 20 years. She's a bit hypocritical. Oh, I said it. She uses it to justify bikini shit by saying it's empowering. I mean, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it,

but like, I just, I kind of agree with you. She kind of just taps into the zeitgeist of whatever the vibe is at the time. But in saying that, I'm sure she's saying,

lovely girl, I'd kill for her breasts. And her body and her tummy. And her breast, everything. I'd kill to look like her. I would skin her alive and wear her as a suit if I ever met her.

I know, I know. And I'd call that feminist I'd be like this was an empowering murder yeah yeah I murdered a woman for her body I'm calling it feminism

oh god yeah I just know I don't really get her either but she's a book to sell well this is it so now she said she was saying that

before she was saying getting naked and all that and being like objectified and everything was her empowering herself and being feminist. Now the book,

I think it's called My Body and it's all about how that wasn't the case at the time. So I think she's just kind of... She kind of just changes her mind on things as it goes on and as it suits her. But Emily,

if you're listening to the pod, we are huge fans. We are huge fans. Good luck with the book. And we love your work. Love your work. Did you get your brows done as well? No.

Fuck you, it's just your glow up. I met Anna Wintour as well when I say I met her. Like, I walked by her and she was quite pleasant to us. It was only about a 15... Oh my God, this was a high-flying party. Oh, I mean, I was like the shit on their shoes, but I was thrilled about it. Of course.

Our table was the worst table there like way at the back food was desperate and for somebody who has just completely gone off fish during pregnancy

like it was this shitty salad you would have liked it it looked really like it had been sitting there for hours perfect and then like fish

I was like get me out of here I was so jet lagged but it was quite fun and Spenny was there with his drinks man so it did quite well and I fancy

Tom like I want to be a gay man so badly you're not far off I know but I always have gay man vibes but Tom Ford

fuck me he's my number one man who is Tom Ford? oh perfume designer perfume designer sunglasses director I'm going to show you a picture of him I'm even buying his sunglasses is Tom Ford? Oh, perfume? Designer? Perfume, designer,

sunglasses, director. I'm going to show you a picture of him. I'm even buying his sunglasses, the ones that

he wears all the time because I might get spending to wear them in bed. Just saying. Where do you

see him? Put on the glasses, Spencer. Put on the glasses, Spencer. Tom Ford.

Tom Ford. Just show me a picture of him. All of his products will come up like yes please

oh my god beautiful that's yeah I'll show you how good he looked at the CFDA so wait till you see I know you don't like

saying I came so I'm just gonna call it I went I just went there yeah I went god he's so we're gonna swap up the lingo

to suit Vogue oh my god I totally just went and where is his sonny oh I just can't get enough of them. And if you watched, there's a couple of his movies. They are so unbelievable.

Is he petite? He's not as tall as I would have liked him to be. I'm too tall. Can't wait. That's the only thing I'm looking forward to about getting old, getting small. I might start hunching. And shrinking, yeah. I used to hunch a lot in pictures because when I get in pictures with people,

I'd kind of hunch over so I didn't look like such a giant man. And now I don't do that anymore because it makes you look really bad. Yeah, no, you shouldn't. You should have good posture. What else did we do this week? I've set up for Christmas at home.

Wait till you get there. Christmas decks are up. Really? Most of them not on our tree. I'm waiting on the tree. It hasn't come yet. Spenny and I went running in the park the other day

and we had a massive public fight in the park it was actually so embarrassing did you was it a boxing thing or was it was it was it

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was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it like a serious conversation with me about something when I was trying to run

when it's really hard and I'm pregnant. He's like, if you can't run when you're pregnant, just go home. And I was like, well, fuck you.

And I just ran the other way and we ran in different directions. That's marriage though. And Winnie, that little wanker, Winnie, who I brought home from Australia,

that dog, right, tried to follow Spencer. Oh, really? Yep. It's not the first time that's happened. That is very funny. It won't be funny for Winnie

when he ends up you know where in the freezer in the freezer a little Winnie genocide why not oh and one thing I wanted to do

a call out for the pod please everybody stop mailing me those videos of Travis and Courtney I can't bear it anymore they absolutely were

yeah it was really scarlet. Was it his birthday or her birthday? And she's dry riding him in front of everyone else. But it's a game now.

It's like a ping. It's a stunt. I think it's because he reminds me of a creature that I don't... I fancy him. Oh, do you?

Yeah. Honestly, I couldn't fancy him less. But I'm like a dog in heat at the moment. I usually am, but no, not for Travis Barker. No way. Well, I couldn't fancy him less. But I'm like a dog in heat at the moment. I usually am, but no, not for Travis Barker. No way.

Well, I had to check my privilege at the weekend. Again, I've started just throwing these terms in. I'm not quite sure what they mean. So basically, I was up filming The Weakest Link in Glasgow. Yeah. And you know the way when you do telly and stuff, they put your first class on trains and all that jazz. I love a first class train.

So I went on had the ticket walked in all the way up to the first class assuming I was on first class sat down sat down like a little privileged bitch

like a little spoiled brat. Your man with the ticket comes along tickets please I handed him my ticket I was like where's the wine yeah they gave you wine and he was like

you're not first class I was like excuse me he's like you're standard I was like I beg your pardon he's like you're standard you need to leave you need to leave he fucking kicked me out

yeah what was it you just paid 200 quid or something my tail between my legs humiliated down with the peasants in the back which I couldn't stop laughing

I was like when I pay for my own travel I literally pay a pound to get driven around England in a wheelie bin like I won't pay a fucking penny for my own travel

but when it's the telly I'm like first class you were in oh no the whole way to Glasgow for seven hours yeah

why didn't they fly you I flew up flew up very Flew up. Very nice. Flew up. Very nice. Down in the boot of a train. Ah, that's not fair.

But for days. I was on that train for days. It was like the Orient Express. I was like, someone's going to get murdered on this thing. I was on it for days. Oh, God.

Anyway, I realised. I was like, oh, I'm getting, I'm getting telly spoiled. I'm getting telly spoiled. Sorry, but that's fair enough. Come on. They dragged you up there,

they got what they wanted and then they flung you back. Yeah. That's what happened. Doesn't matter now. Chuck her in the back. Totally. You know the way I like,

I mean, this is how slow my week was, but you know the way I like to raise awareness for issues that are close to my heart? women eating alone well yeah um but no I don't like to raise awareness for the big sexy issues like climate change and the refugees because they're kind of being taken care of they're covered so I was going for smaller ones so my my agenda this week was what have you seen the size of the bags of spinach in Aldi no this is how bored I was this week I was getting really worked up seen the size of the bags of spinach in Aldi? No.

This is how bored I was this week. I was getting really worked up about the size of the bags of spinach. Like, who decides that we want to get served bags of spinach in the size of a pillowcase? As a single, it's such a waste.

I have to fucking smoke the shit to get rid of it. Ah, but Joanne, once you cook spinach, it really goes down. You're putting it in a wet salad. I just think I would like to petition for

a single woman woman spinach size you're going to have to start shopping at Marks and Spencer's eh? they have a few sizes there it reminds me of it reminds me of

do you remember in Shawshank Redemption when your man Andy Dufresne was digging through a he was digging through a wall and he kept trying to have him to shake the gravel

out of the leg of his pants I was like it's like someone in Aldi's trying to burst out of a spinach prison they just keep was like it's like someone in Aldi is trying to burst out of a spinach prison they just keep fucking having to get rid of all this spinach

the bag is the size you could fill a cement mixer with it I actually I know the bag you're talking about it's outrageous and it only lasts

for three minutes yeah put it in a put it in a pan bit of garlic and it will wilt down to nothing you'll be actually given out about

the lack of spinach in your bag that was exciting oh Dennis is dead oh Oh, Dennis is dead. Oh, Dennis died. Dennis is dead. And I'm only saying it because the press

in Ireland have just picked it up. Congratulate. Or it's me. We did this really cute thing. They're like, we're so happy for her. Dennis is dead.

He was killed in a skiing accident. So I'm back. Back in the apps. Back in the apps. Looks, life comes at you fast. Are you back in the apps? Back in the apps. Oh my God, please can you and Amber just go out? I know. You have to. Back in the apps? Looks, life comes at you fast. Are you back in the apps? Back in the apps.

Oh my God, please, can you and Amber just go out? I know. You have to. What do you mean, together? Well, I know she's a lesbian and you're not. You're not straight.

Sorry, lesbians and straighties go to the same place. Oh, sorry. I thought you meant like, would we hook up? No. Oh my God. I couldn't think of anything worse.

That would really derail me, I think. Oh yeah, I'm back in the apps. Do you know what though? I forgot how much fun the apps were tell me about them we're gonna go you can have a go on mine

I'd love to have a go on yours I'm gonna start putting in this is what I'm gonna start doing because I've realised how fun dating is but then I was like maybe I shouldn't talk about men on the podcast as much

because and then I was like of course I'm gonna fucking talk about men yeah it's great content don't stop I know it's one of my favourite things

so I'm gonna start putting in like a five-hour shift every week on the apps. I think you need to do that. Treat it like a job. Treat it like a job. Just get dates, dates, dates, dates, dates,

content, content, content, content. I think a couple of dates a week. I work every night. Just go for a coffee or something. A coffee. Well, what do you want? What do you want then? Well, I'm going to go for a spinning glass

on a date. What, are you going to bring them to one of your gigs? You wouldn't dream of doing that No I wouldn't do that No Meet them for a drink

after maybe Do you know what I've realised? You can tell a lot about my mental health by the girth of my face I think that you just think your face gets bigger My face gets bigger

if I've been drinking heavily which means I'm mentally unwell and then when I drink less my face shrinks again so it's a good way of telling if I'm deranged or not You need to start contouring

The size of my head I don't know how to contour I can't even get my neck. Most people are like, oh, my neck should be the same colour as my face. I don't even have that luxury. I've never once been able to match my face to my neck. I just think I'll teach you how to contour.

I look Latino from the chin up. Bit of instant tan, instant tan, just on the neck. My topic that I wanted to talk about this week was wedding etiquette, right? Kendall Jenner, an absolute ride of a babe, like so gorgeous. I fucking hate to be friends with her. I'd have to invite her to my wedding.

Which is fine. Did you see that outfit she wore to one of her friends' weddings? Yeah. It was outrageous. She basically had these two triangles over her tits. And like,

it was just like a completely naked outfit. Yeah, it was like she just wrapped her tits in masking tape and headed to the wedding, basically. Yeah, and it's like, I would have rather she'd showed up in a floor-length lace gown, white,

than come along in that. And it got me thinking about wedding etiquette and weddings that I've been to that were really annoying. Like, the table you're put at at a wedding says a lot about you. John John, I hope he's listening to this, I used to conceal the fact that it was John John, but my

friend John John, when I was pregnant with God, was it Theodore? It must have been Theodore. I was pregnant with Theodore and he dumped me at this table full of pregnant people. And I just thought, you fucking arsehole. I was pregnant with Theodore and he dumped me at this table full of pregnant people. And I just thought, you fucking arsehole. I'm at the pregnant people table.

I know I was pregnant, but all of our friends were off having a ball down at some other table and I was stuck at a table full of pregnant people I didn't even know. Yeah, but that's very clearly going,

this is the no crack table. Do you know what I mean? It's like, let everyone over there just have no crack. He was also probably saying, look, this is the sober table. Do you know what I mean? Ah, bullshit.

Let them all just like breastfeed and whatever it is you pregnant people do. No, it's bullshit. And then Benny asked somebody when she... Do your Kegels. Just do your Kegels in the corner with the rest of the gals. I sat and I did my Kegels the entire time. Benny asked a girl there then. When was she due?

She'd had the baby a month prior. Oh, no. I know. It was a really bad time. A bad time at that wedding and that was when Spenny was still drinking as well so I had to drag him home. Not only like was I at the pregnant table, Spenny

just kept fucking off to all the tables that were actually crack and I was stuck at the pregnant people table with the pregnant people. Just spent my whole night weeing. My take on it now, my strategy is even if a woman looks like she's about to burst,

until I see her crowning, until I literally see a leg coming out of her, like a head, I say absolutely nothing. No. Imagine being caught. I've seen it in comedy clubs.

I've seen it happen a million times. When are you due? I'm not due. I'm not pregnant. There's no pulling the gig back. I've seen it happen. Hasn't happened to me, thank God. But you cannot come back from that.'m not pregnant there's no pulling the gig back I've seen it happen hasn't happened to me

thank God but you cannot come back from that no there's literally no coming back it's calling somebody fat to their face yeah but at least that woman had

had a baby I know a friend of mine who did it to a girl who was never pregnant at all oh Jesus which friend oh no you don't know them years ago um but

other things right my aunt wore a white wedding dress to my wedding is that really a big faux pas though I didn't really care to be honest yeah I don wore a white wedding dress to my wedding. Is that really a big faux pas, though? I didn't really care, to be honest. Yeah, I don't care. She wore white to my wedding. She felt good.

I didn't mind. Like, I know that they say, you know, I think a bride who wants everyone else to be uglier than her on her wedding day, it's a bit weird. Also, the Kendall Jenner thing, they're all so hot,

it doesn't matter. I know. It's not like Kendall Jenner was going to a wedding in Houth. Ah, the mate. Excuse me? You're trying to say people in Hoth aren't hot? All the gargoyles in Hoth.

But you know what I mean? The standard is so high at those weddings. It doesn't matter. You can't possibly outshine. He was getting married. It was Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton got married, wasn't it? Paris Hilton.

And she's barely posted a picture of her new fella. He looks like so boring though, to be fair. Sorry. She captioned that photo, Forever Starts Now. And I was like, I had a real problem with that. A, you're fair. Sorry, she captioned that photo forever starts now. And I was like, I had a real problem with that. A, you're 40 babes, okay?

Forever doesn't start now. You only got about 30 years left. And also, why were you suggesting that getting married is the start of you forever? Like, it's so pathetic. What is this, the 1930s?

Listen, you're looking at a girl who had a three-day celebration that couldn't stop with the wedding celebrations. Her boyfriend, who is he? He looks really boring. It's loaded. on a girl who had a three day celebration that couldn't stop with the wedding celebrations to her boyfriend. Who is he? He looks really boring. It's loaded.

I heard that he has a secret daughter that he never sees. Really? Allegedly. I'm a secret daughter. My father never sees me. I respect that. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't really care about that shit. But, you see, I kind of wonder if I was going to marry somebody.

But I did like her wedding dress but I also liked that she barely put him in any pictures and just herself just herself looking absolutely fab

to be fair yeah I just I don't know the forever thing the forever starts name I couldn't be arsed what weddings are like I like I don't want to

if you're if you're too high on numbers cut me I'll happily be cut I don't really mind but there are other things right I don't like mind but there are other things right I don't like when people

ask for certain gifts I know I know that there's a registry kind of vibe what are you asking for Jo? donations to charity oh shut up oh what a load of bollocks

he's not don't mind him I feel like when you go to a wedding it's like you need to ask for money for clothes Jo that's what you need to do you need to ask for vouchers

for Zara man oh my god he's wearing a t-shirt from the darkness I believe in a thing called love do you remember when I don't know how

the Ramones ended up do you remember all these girls wearing t-shirts the Ramones t-shirts from Topshop thinking it was like the new Prada

if you've ever heard the Ramones I was the same I was like oh my god the Ramones fucking love them the new Adidas just love the Ramones I was like, oh my God, Ramones. Fucking love them.

There's a new Adidas. Just love the Ramones. I loved all of them. Here are some things, right, that you actually have to do at weddings. Oh, my sister said speeches being too long, shite food, those kind of things are crap at a wedding as well.

But I would say that like, especially for an Irish wedding, you kind of give a hundred quid. Standard. Yeah. Per head, I reckon. So, you kind of give a hundred quid standard. Yeah. Per head, I reckon. So you're kind of paying for your dinner. I'd say I'm very behind on wedding presents.

But then I justify it as, like, at this stage, I'm more likely to choke to death at a baby bell than get married. So why am I continually investing in everyone else's marriages? And they're so expensive. They're so expensive. If you've paid to go, I think that's enough. Exactly. And, I mean, I'm getting married all the time. I can't keep expecting other people. You're getting nothing the next time, now, I can tell you. No, I'll that's enough. And I mean, I'm getting married all the time. I can't keep expecting off people.

You're getting zipped in the next time now, I can tell you. No, I'll barely get you to the wedding. If I get married the next time, I'll do it over Zoom so no one has to spend a penny. I reckon I would just elope. Oh, it's way better. Because then you save money, spend it on a house because I've had a really expensive wedding and then I've had a wedding

that didn't cost very much. And I much preferred the wedding that didn't cost very much but these are rules right or SVP by the date requested that wouldn't suit us Joanne because we like to cancel I cancelled on my brother's wedding

did you? listen you would too I got offered a show at Bear Grylls I wasn't going to his wedding and then my brother cancelled on my wedding

and he made a joke like oh I'll go to the next one and he did go to the next one that's the thing you're like folks wedding they're all going to come it'll come around again it's like me and the Apollo

they're like it'll come around next year you can go to another one perfect I actually feel like having another one oh my god at our wedding

our E4 wedding remember you went to it yeah yeah yeah that was good quack actually it was I was told I like having it at the wedding. Oh my God. At our wedding, our E4 wedding. Remember, you went to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was good crack actually. It was. I was told that I had breached

someone's human rights because they didn't get fed at the wedding. Take that to Strasbourg. Imagine bringing the human rights and there's like a woman there who wants to get an abortion from incest

and there's someone else going, well, I didn't get enough profiteroles at a wedding. That's not your human rights. Did you see the who wants to get an abortion from incest and there's someone else going well I didn't get enough profiteroles at a wedding that's not your human rights did you see the amount of food at the wedding oh my god

and plus PS we're in the middle of London there's a thing called Deliveroo I didn't breach anyone's human rights don't assume you get to bring a date

I don't agree with that now inviting someone on your own to a wedding that's like ah Joanne there's very limited numbers nah there's people I numbers. Nah. There's people I already have to kind of like

blur out of my wedding pictures. Because they're not there anymore. I read a tip. Put the boyfriends and partners on the edge of the photo. Yeah, well, it's too fucking late for me. I know it's too late for you, I know. Have you seen that picture in my bathroom? But no, Jo, this is a good one for you. Put the people in the family photos, put the boyfriends and

girlfriends that you don't think are going to last put them on the edge and then you can just cut them out and the shit table put the shit table people there too because let's be honest you won't be friends with them stick to your ORSVP response

that would never happen with us never bail I bailed on a couple of weddings I bail I don't give a shit don't show up early that would be an issue for me I'm always early

don't be late and always give a gift. Give a gift of cash. 100 quid and a card, done. I'm very behind on the gift. I just think at this stage, I kind of know I won't get married. I'm like, why would I marry and make some single lad's life miserable when I can date and make loads of men's life

miserable? You, listen, I think that you'll be surprised. Do you reckon? Yeah, I definitely think you're going to have kids do you reckon yeah I just have a feeling about it Julie Cooper says the key to a long marriage

is having drinking in separate pubs which I thought was a great tip have different locals Jo Jo this is all for you you're getting married yeah

and get them and get them to live outside in the garden here's a great quote I read on marriage well it's not really marriage this guy Samuel Richardson

this is my this is my approach this is my this has been my experience when it comes to like relationships and men and all that jazz love gratified

is love satisfied and love satisfied is indifference begun oh yeah they lose interest once you get them they lose interest I think that you really

have to keep separate lives as well not completely separate lives but like I'm going out for dinner with my friends tonight on my own. Like, I want to do stuff on my own with my own friends and have my own shit going on. I did read this thing.

How long would you be in a relationship for before you'd be like, well, if you don't propose, I'm out. A month. Fair enough. Me too. I'm very intense. I know, I'm about six, eight weeks. I'm very intense. This woman sued her fella because he didn't propose after 10 years. What do you mean sued him?

Sued him for time wasting. Shut up. You've just reminded me of a girl I know. This guy kind of fucked around and she monzoed him a request for £100 for wasting her time. Stop. Yeah, she was demanding £100 off him. She's like100 for wasting her time. Stop. Yeah.

She was demanding £100 off him. She's like, for wasting my time. I can't stand that bullshit though, people wasting their time. Think of the amount

of time that you, well, think of the amount of time that you've done that to people as well. I know. I've never ghosted anyone but you've ghosted people.

Yeah. Do you know what happened to my first wedding? I slipped on a bag. Of cocaine. No, Joanne, it was a plastic bag that I'd been storing in my toiletries. And I slipped and I fell and landed on my face and my wrists. So I had these black wrists.

Woke up the next day and my lip was like dead. It looked great, to be honest. It wasn't so purple, it would have been great, but lip was like dead. It looked great to be honest. It wasn't so purple it would have been great but it was like down around my chin and I got actually my makeup artist friend

she's actually one of my best friends she came in and she just looked at me and I knew by her face I was like oh no this is not good. She had to go buy

tattoo makeup and everything and I was like it was pretty bad. Wow. Pretty bad. Did people assume you were getting beaten?

No I told them I slipped on a bag. Of cocaine. Of cocaine. What are they doing out there? Dancing? I don't know. I don't feel like I'd work well in an office environment.

Yeah, no, no, no. I feel like, not that I'd fight with people, I feel like people would really just fuck me off. Another thing I did this week people sent me pod recommendations I do love a podcast you do love a podcast she won't listen to ours

but she'll listen to everybody else's well I'd rather listen to a podcast than listen to my own thoughts so it kind of keeps me busy fair but there was someone recommended

I can't remember who recommended anyway thanks called Sweet Bobby which is I mean have you heard about this Jo? oh that's what the podcast is called

yeah Sweet Bobby it is quite the journey I won't give any massive spoilers but it's about this woman who was basically catfished for 10 years oh no

I know I know but at the same time I'm like there was you're listening to it and you're like come on

he never turned on his camera for 10 years. Anyway, it's absolutely fascinating. It's a really good listen. And there's loads of twists and turns in it and stuff. But it got me thinking about catfishing. And I actually did a shout out for catfishing. And weirdly, didn't get as many replies as I thought, which I guess is a good thing. I feel like people catfish themselves all the time though.

Well you see the term catfishing has kind of evolved and changed. Catfishing is actually when someone uses fake photos to lure you in whereas people now use catfishing to say like oh he wasn't as hot as I'd hoped.

Like my housemate Sophie went on a date with a lad and she was like I was catfished and I was like why? And she was like he had shit teeth. I was like that's not catfishing. That's just having shit teeth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? But I kind of see catfishing as like you know when you see somebody in real life and you're like oh my god that's not catfishing. That's just having shit teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? But I kind of see catfishing as like, you know when you see somebody in real life and you're like, oh my God, that's not what you look like on Instagram. I know, but that's not catfishing. That's just like, that's just,

like that's what I do. Just using headshots. I think I told this story before in the pod, did I Jo? Where a guy messaged me, he's like, I'm just letting you know someone's using your photos on Tinder. And I was like, oh my God,

thanks so much for letting me know. It was me, it was my account. I was like, I'll God, thanks so much for letting me know. It was me, it was my account. I was like, I'll call the police at once. I'm not on Tinder. I was on Tinder. I forgot to turn it off

and went back to Ireland. But do you remember, I used to watch that show Catfishing. I loved it. I loved it. But you're like, how thick are you?

Okay. Like, you live in your mother's basement on the hotness scale you're a two and you think you're in a long term relationship.

I know. With some girl who's modeling for teen Cosmo who's like a 12 on the hotness scale and you're paying on her phone bill.

Like how thick are like we need to be a bit self-aware. Just be a little bit self-aware. I know you're going to know your box.

You know your level. I knew my box at the CFDAs and there was no box for me. Yeah. You were in the boot. You were in the boot of the CFDAs and there was no box for me. Yeah, you were in the boot.

You were in the boot of the CFDAs. But Clowda always, our friend Clowda told me, it was a great story. Again, this guy, she matched it like super hot. Yeah.

But the way he wrote was like, hey hon, you up? And all this. And he looked really Brazilian. She was like, this just doesn't add up. Anyway, she reversed, searched the photo

and of course, it was some like Brazilian model and stuff. But the funny thing is, I was reading all these things about catfishing and the weird thing is when they turn up.

I know. And you're like, who are you? One story, it was so funny, she emailed him saying that this guy, he was really hot in his photos,

really ripped, all that stuff, turned up, wasn't at all the same person and tried to pretend that lockdown had like, he just hadn't been able to go to the gym.

Oh no. And lockdown had meant he hadn't been able to go to the gym and lost all his hair. And she was like, the lie, the lie. Oh God.

The size of the lie. But you know what else though, what makes me like it, but if they turn up and they're absolutely in bits, but you kind of fell in love with their personality anyway.

So like, does it matter if they're in bits physically? That's what I worry about the apps because you wouldn't you could be like swiping away from somebody

who could actually be really sad and you'd be really wanting to be with like because I would not have swiped for Spencer. No I would not have swiped for any of my boyfriends.

Yeah. And that's the truth I really wouldn't have. Yeah. I know that's the thing with the apps there's no chemistry there's no chemistry there.

And it's hard to text people, everything gets misconstrued and text and all that kind of crap. And like, they're just all wearing, like, wearing these weird wraparound Oakley glasses.

Oh, I know. And men can't take selfies, they just can't. I wouldn't be able to go out with somebody who wore those, the Oakley glasses

that you're talking about. You know, but you know what I'm talking about. I know those glasses. I just couldn't because I know what that kind of person's like I know

but they're all I haven't met a single man a single straight man who knows how to pick a sunglass to suit his head oh Spenny Spenny's good at sunnies nope

seen him excuse me I've seen him he does have these like he has these sunnies that like really look like you'd be scared to have them outside

kids schools he's so clever and it's just not the pedo pradas the pedo pradas yeah not great sunnies that like really look like you'd be scared to have them outside kids schools we spoke about it and it's just not the pedo pradas the pedo pradas yeah not great

that's what reminded me of my sunglasses that you've depo lost Vogue I was going to talk about this with you after I do not have those glasses I'm telling you now

my room is not that big I do not have those glasses the case is there the glasses are not I wore them for the walk around the park very careful with sunglasses they're going to show up

in your room beside the mushrooms I fucking hope they do show up in your room beside the mushrooms. I fucking hope they do show up in my room because I hope to God they're not lost. Oh yeah, the Catfish show. This is the other thing. They're so thick. They'd arranged to meet and then...

Thickish, oi. Thick. And then the person they were meeting, it was always really dramatic. They suddenly got diagnosed with cancer or they were suddenly in a car crash or someone had died or they'd been abducted.

And these people are still going, alright, okay, fair enough, let's just reschedule. I feel like that for some reason I don't think it happens as much over here. Did you watch 90 Day Fiancé? I've only watched a few of them, right? And the guy, the one guy, he was kind of the main guy and he

was raging because one hadn't shaved her legs. I'm like, dude, you're not like stunning yourself and he was giving her toothpaste and all do you know that I got him on cameo to wish my husband Sophie a happy Christmas and it was one of the best things. Best 80 quid I've ever spent

I made up this story about her falling in love with the man in Bali. It was total bollocks and he read it all out and everything and he was like he was riding a little horse and everything was brilliant Brilliant Yeah. I never watched that whole thing. That's one to watch actually the night of today And he read it all out and everything. And he was like, he was riding a little horse and everything was brilliant. Oh my God. Brilliant, yeah. I never watched that whole thing. That's one to watch actually

in the 90s. But imagine getting yourself involved in some shit like that. Have I ever been involved? No. I nearly did Celeb's Go Tating years, years, years ago. And they have a lot of money

to be giving people. Really? Like a shit load of money. Loads. But you just like, just the shite you'd have to be giving people. Really? Like a shit load of money. Yeah. Loads. But you just like, just the shite you'd have to go out with. I couldn't.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't. Imagine having to go out with normal people. Blech. I love the normals. That's what I love. That's my problem.

I don't want anyone in show business or else I want top drawer show business yeah yeah I think I'm going to go show biz next show biz

let me think of somebody let me think of somebody who's free who is free I think I'm going to go full blown show biz relationship Bradley Cooper although

top drawer top drawer I did see him linking arms at your one arena shake and you'd like... Pete Davidson. Davidson.

Yeah, Pete Davidson. I want to have a go at Pete Davidson. Everyone's having a go at him. Yeah, I'll try myself in the mix. Yeah. Why not? We could share him when he comes over to London.

Grant. We're not sharing. We're not sharing him. You can have him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I'll have him... No, I'll have him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday

because I'm busy at the weekend. Yeah. You can have him in the weekend. I'll have him for no, I'll have him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday because I'm busy at the weekend. Yeah. You can have him in the weekend. I'll have him for the mornings. Morning rides. Okay, go on. Morning rides with Steve. Pete. What's his name?

Pete. I love him, whoever he is. That's it for this week. Remember, if you'd like to send us an email, you're more than welcome to. Just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com oh shit I'm on tour in Ireland next year

and we've just added 10 extra Vicar Streets because you were asking me for double dates so we've given them to you and if you don't fucking turn up no I'm kidding go on Bye.