My Therapist Ghosted Me - Mousey or Moussey?
Episode Date: September 23, 2022Let's set the scene... Joanne's in her pyjamas and Vogue is prepped to the eyes with the controversies of the week. There's Adam Levine, Holly & Phil and a shocking look at Joanne's bedroom. If you'd ...like to get in touch, you can send an email to hello@MTGMpod.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!
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This is a Global Player Original Podcast.
Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me, with me, comedian Dora McNally, and her, fake comedian
Val Williams.
Thank you very much.
What's blue and white and doesn't cross the road
a dead chicken
yes
is it
no I just made
the first bit up
and I couldn't follow through
because I don't know
any jokes
I read something
only yesterday
when I was looking
through stuff
for the pod
about this guy
who said that
he'd met Jesus
he died
had a near death experience his parents were told to turn off his life support said that he'd met Jesus. He died, had a near-death experience.
His parents were told to turn off his life support.
And he said he met Jesus.
And Jesus was up there with just loads of angels hanging around him.
Just loads of angels.
There's actually really fascinating.
Firstly, I'd love to say, I bet his parents were like,
we were told to turn off your life support.
I bet they weren't.
I bet they just wanted to turn it off.
Listen, I was about to say something that would have.
My mum would be on the switch before they even be like, Jesus, Patricia. Sorry, I thought it was the light. You didn't, mum. You know I was about to say something that would have... My mum would be on the switch before they'd even be like, Jesus, Patricia.
Sorry, I thought it was the light.
You didn't, mum. You know it was my life. I needed to
charge my phone, okay?
I hate to see energy wasted.
Thanks, mum.
They're like, no, Pat, she's
still breathing. She's about to open her eyes. No, no, no, no.
It's no quality of life. Bye, Joanne. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh,h shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh yeah shh Joanne stop crying you're fine go on go to your father your father's waiting for you
go to the light go to the lighter yeah go to the light Joanne the light loves you come on focus
focus oh no that's how Joanne's gonna get rid of me no she's definitely gone no she's gone she's
gone no Joanne I'm here she always talks when she's dead she always talks when she's dead that's how Joanne's going to get rid of me no she's definitely gone no she's gone she's gone no Joanne I'm here
Joanne I'm here
no she's gone
she always talks
when she's dead
that's Vogue's thing
dad talk
that's what she does
I've seen her dad
loads of times
she's always chatting away
don't mind her
she's dead
no she's definitely dead
switch her off there
will you
okay
I'll be like
next week it's me
and Holly Willoughby
Holly Willoughby
and Philips.
Go Phil Mitchell.
This is a situation where I'm like, whoa.
Like, do you know what's happened?
And you've said this to me before, right?
I will tell you what's happened.
Holly Willoughby has never been in an ounce of trouble in her entire life.
And now that she's kind of in a little bit of hot water, people are pouncing.
that she's kind of in a little bit of hot water.
People are pouncing and they are ready to attack her because they're so thrilled that she is in trouble.
I just think like the whole thing that happened was
everyone's saying that they skipped the queue,
but I think that they were just brought around
into like the ITV viewing area or something.
But now everyone's like,
actually we've been queuing up for like 15 hours
and you just, but they were filming for this morning they weren't I know like going specifically
to see and if you decided to queue for 15 hours all power to you but like that was your choice
if it is true which I'd say it is that they were there to film imagine going you've come to work
tomorrow but you pick to queue for 30 hours to get into work like that's not feasible to that
I mean like if they were filming then it's a genuine excuse.
But what I will say is, you're right,
Holly is kind of the UK's sweetheart.
They love her.
And she is like a golden child.
She never puts a foot wrong.
She looks like a cartoon character.
She, like, every time she opens her mouth,
it's just rainbows and giggles.
Yes, yes.
Unicorns fall out of her teeth.
Yeah, she's just, like, innocent.
I'd say she just does missionary, like,
do you know what I mean? Like like it's the Holly Willoughby
we all know and love
or Holly
Holly lives this
complete double life
you don't know
maybe
she's the one making money
sitting on cakes
she's the one
anonymous
he sits on cakes
on um
what's that site
that Vogue loves
I know
OnlyFans
OnlyFans
oh sorry
you don't know maybe for Holly Holly'sFans oh sorry you don't know
maybe for Holly
Holly's actually
like completely
twisted
we don't know
not that I'm saying
sitting on cakes
is twisted
you know
I just think
but another thing
that happened right
Eamon Holmes
who obviously
hates the both of them
has come and stuck
his oar right in
and he's like
I'm disgusted
at
what's
oh wait
I actually
he hits out
at arrogant
ex-colleagues
he hates he hates
he hates them
and he's just like
this is my moment
but it's like
they've got
they've got 50,000 signatures
to have them taken off air
it's like
oh my god seriously
but the people are
people are so
British people are so censored
by anything to do with the Queen
which is gas
I saw
two things I saw
it was almost so funny
someone was saying you're queuing to to do with the Queen, which is gas. I saw two things I saw. It was almost so funny. Someone was saying,
you're queuing to see, like,
the royal family. A flag!
It's a flag! I know.
I actually assumed the coffin would be open.
No, no, no.
I was like, why would you queue to see a flag?
Anyway, look, we, you know, whatever.
Again, I'm very careful about how I
talk about this. Ropey ropey.
But people wanted to go and pay their respects and they did but what I was gonna say was the royal family is the epitome of privilege
do you think the queen would be queuing to see herself not a fucking hope she would have gone
in the back gate as well so like why you know what I mean you're queuing to see a woman who's
the epitome of privilege and then you're giving out about people treated being treated people
were privileged skipping the queue.
So I think as well,
the fact that David Beckham queued from two in the morning.
But like David Beckham needed,
he needed a little bit of good press, didn't he?
Didn't he?
Why? Has he been in trouble recently?
Yeah, because he's basically the head of the Qatari.
I did not know that.
He took a job for like a hundred,
he basically sold his soul.
So Holly and Phil got an absolute bollocking. David Beckham
is like now the king of the world
because he queued up. But I'm not
saying that's why he did it. What I am
saying is he desperately needed that good
press. Apparently he's a real royalist.
Wasn't he knighted and everything? No, he
wasn't knighted. Or was he knighted? Oh, I think he was
knighted. No, he was just the other thing.
He wanted to be knighted. He was the other thing
what's the other thing? I don't know like MBE
I don't know. Oh
The one below knighting
O. OBE. Oh he's an
OBE. What's an OBE? It sounds like
he's an optometrist
What is he an optometrist?
It's an honour by order
of the British Empire
Oh tragic. That's a real
burn, isn't it? I know.
You're not a knight.
I read a really funny tweet
recently because it was obviously talking about
the land accused to see the Queen.
And they were like, surely it would make more sense to just
wheel the Queen past the queue at this stage.
I saw that. And it did
make sense. But I know. I have
to say, when I die, I would like something similar.
Okay?
I think we say, if you die, because I know you're scared of death.
We don't like to present it as a definite for you.
If you die, which you might not, folk.
You might not.
Theodore keeps saying it to me.
He's like, I don't want you to die.
And I'm like, honestly, is something coming my way?
I remember exactly where I was.
I was in bed. My father was reading me a story and
I remember so well the reality that I knew my was the day that I figured out my parents were
gonna die and I was inconsolable yeah he's quite quite worried about it yeah and yesterday me and
Amber were walking along and I was like god I was dying on Sunday and he was like don't die
don't die
I was like
oh no it's a different way
I wasn't actually dying
yeah mommy was doing
a dramatic death
not a real death
yeah not a real death
hopefully forever
but yeah I was thinking
something along the lines
of that funeral
is something I would like
for myself
I could guarantee
we could definitely
organise that for you
we could organise actors
like you just have to
like use all my money
we'd have to rent a queue
because you'll be cancelled
at that stage
there'll be no one actually there
legitimately
Holly and Phil
Holly and Phil are allowed in first
I know you'd want Scandal
at your funeral wouldn't you
you'd be like
someone skip the queue
for God's sake
I need a headline
I'll be dead
but I need a headline
they're just
oh I'd hate that
I actually feel quite sorry
for them
I'd say they're very upset
about the whole thing
and I'd say it was
a legitimate situation
where they had to go
in the back door
I think Phil can take it
he's turned off
all comments on his Instagram
Holly hasn't
and I just think like
turn them off
because you know what
like I have been
near cancelled
before
and it's like
as much as we laugh about it
like it is not funny oh god it's really
like i had such bad anxiety like it was just because you have people coming at you left right
and said i know it's horrible all this abuse about something they don't actually know the
real truth about and you just can't say anything but even if they do know the truth even if they
do know the truth even if holly and phil did skip the queue do they really deserved it like do you
know what i mean like move on with your life i'll tell you what two extra people being in the queue. Do they really deserve that? Like, do you know what I mean? Like, move on with your life.
I'll tell you what,
Theodore was always trying to skip the queue.
two extra people being in the queue
isn't going to,
isn't going to,
isn't going to reduce the time
that people are going to be queuing for.
I don't know.
Holly seems like a nice person.
I don't know.
You know what I mean?
She does.
I wouldn't imagine she was handing anyone
a brain envelope to skip the queue.
No, definitely not.
Do you know what I mean?
Well welcome to my therapist guest room Me Jerome McNally
And her
A comedian Jerome McNally
And her comedian
Imposter
Fouke Williams
Hello hello hello
Fouke's like tapping the mic
Anyone in from America?
America!
Okay quick update.
Nick Cannon has welcomed
his ninth child
while he is awaiting
the birth of his tenth.
Done.
Anyway,
one of the biggest stories
Sorry, how much
I'd like to say
I'm sorry, I know this is crude
but it sounds like
Nick Cannon has 12 dicks.
How is he getting
that many women pregnant
at the same time?
How is that physically possible, Jo?
How is it possible?
But these women must be
super, super fertile as well.
Like, it's kind of incredible.
It sounds like these women
are putting their legs up
for three hours after.
Remember, you'd see that
in the movies.
They put their legs up in the air
to let the sperm travel down
because sperm can't swim
against the tide, apparently,
even though a salmon can.
Will I tell you something
about sperm, okay?
There's nothing.
Excuse me, Vogue.
There's things I know and there's nothing you can tell me that I don't know about sperm. Okay, I'm going to tell you something. That's like me trying to tell you something about sperm? Okay. There's nothing. Excuse me, Vogue. There's things I know and there's things,
there's nothing you can tell me
that I don't know about sperm.
Okay.
I'm going to tell you something.
That's like me trying to tell you about breastfeeding.
There's nothing I don't know about this.
Go on.
If you want to,
well, this is only a rumor,
but I'm pretty sure this is why we ended up with Gigi.
So basically,
if you are trying for a girl,
right,
you don't have sex on your day of ovulation.
You have sex like three or four days before because female sperm is slower than male sperm, but it lives longer.
So female sperm will live for five days up there, wherever it is.
I don't know where it lives.
It lives up there.
And when the egg drops, it will drop into a female sperm because the male sperm would have already died.
But you know what's so funny?
Women live longer in life as well.
That's gas.
Yeah.
And we are slower.
Like if you put me against
Usain Bolt,
I would guarantee to lose.
So that's all very true.
Yeah, that is true.
He's pretty,
he's pretty quick.
I thought if you wanted a boy
to do something weird
like eat a spoon or something,
was there not some,
there's some weird kind of
wifely tale of like,
if you're,
if your baby's kind of,
if the feet are hanging out before you're born, it's a boy. If the feet are coming out your mouth, it's a girl. There's something, if your baby's kind of, if the feet are hanging out
before you're born,
it's a boy.
If the feet are coming out
your mouth, it's a girl.
Wasn't there something like
if your bump is high,
it's a fish?
Oh no, so if your bump,
girls ruin you basically.
So you go wide, wide, wide
with girls
and you're just like,
I was in bits
with my pregnancy with Chi Chi.
Like they ruin you.
They take,
it's girls supposedly
steal your beauty.
If I ever,
if I ever have another child,
right,
and if I get pregnant and you hear along the grapevine that it's a boy well i will be hearing along the
grapevine because i will have cut you out of my life so it'll be the grapevine i'll be hearing
about it on but yeah i won't be hearing it from your own mate i'm just i'm just saying do not
contact me for weeks okay i need time to come to terms with it and that oh if you have a baby it's
a boy i listen I want another girl.
Listen, I don't want any more babies.
I don't.
I am.
I was up, guess how many times?
I swear, I won't mention how long I slept.
Nine times last night.
No, I'm sorry.
We've put a, we've put a, what do you call it, Jo?
Moratorium?
You're not allowed to talk about your sleep, Vogue.
I'm sorry.
Okay, do you know what?
When I started talking-
Sorry, Vogue, I'm sitting here in my pajamas.
I haven't mentioned the fact that I slept for 15 hours last night.
I was fucking comatose. 15 hours? I'm convinced one of my pajamas. I haven't mentioned the fact that I slept for 15 hours last night. I was fucking comatose.
I'm convinced one of my housemates is drugging me.
And I'm like, drug away.
I'm having the sleeps of my life.
Can I come down for a drugging?
I'm telling you now.
Don't cover your glass.
Leave your glass.
Make a cup of coffee in this house.
Leave it unattended.
I don't know what happens.
15 hours?
Did you wake up at all?
What about food?
I slept.
I kind of woke up in it.
Maybe I had a fever.
I don't know. I kind of woke up in it. Maybe I had a fever. I don't know.
I kind of woke up every now and again.
Oh my God, that would be so... That's like my dream. That is my dream.
I honestly... Anyway,
we'll move on. Anyway, yeah,
no talking about sleep. Okay, there was two main stories
that happened this week, but Holly and Phil are
thrilled that the second story happened. Oh, go on.
Adam
Levine. I know. I don't know. Yeah, go on adam levine i know i don't know what yeah go on
give me your thoughts on it okay my thoughts on it right sorry take me should explain actually
sorry what happened so adam levine has basically it's up to five women now who've come forward so
adam levine is married to this gorgeous victoria's secret model um he's expecting his third child
with her and an instagram influencer came out um saying that she had been having an affair with him for a
year and that she uh he was really uh whatever happened she came out and said it and then
another four women have come forward since now here's my thoughts on it i think he's a scumbag
because you know what if you go and do shit like that right everybody makes
mistakes everybody can be stupid but like how stupid can you be and I was actually personally
offended by his statement I was just like what is that it was the shittest statement I've ever read
he should have said absolutely nothing it was kind of
annoying and it's like we'll get
through this together like also don't speak on
behalf of your wife like you just
fucked her over big time they must have had a conversation
about it and agreed that they were going to get through it or else
he wouldn't say it like that do you know what my
feelings on it are what firstly
I read about it
the stupid thing was that he did it from his own account
like I think maybe like he did it from his own account. Like, I think maybe.
Like, he did it from his own
official tick, tick, tick
Instagram account.
Yeah, but that's how he got them.
That's how he got them roped in
because they would see
that it was him
and they were kind of like
starry-eyed, I think.
Because personally,
I wouldn't say, like,
he's not, he's not, like,
he's not up my street.
This is how I feel.
Maybe I have scandal fatigue
or maybe I have just
lost the will to care anymore
or maybe it's because
I just woke up.
I don't know. Maybe it's because the drugs that were in my system from maybe it's because I just woke up. I don't know. Maybe it's because
the drugs that were in my system from whenever my house
might put in my coffee. I don't know. News alert.
Famous man is a bit of a sleazebag.
How, like we fucking,
I know no famous men to know. This is
not a unique thing to Adam Levine.
Famous man sends flirty
texts to women half his age who are hot. But you know what I will say?
The Instagram model who's saying she had an affair, she's saying
that she told the story because she sent screen grabs to her friends.
Whether that's true or not, okay?
But the rest of them, I'm not victim blaming or anything like that.
But you got sleazy texts from a celebrity and now his wife is fucking humiliated and the stories are everywhere.
I feel so sorry for his wife, especially because she's pregnant.
So she'd have hormones going all over the place.
But like the thing about it is, he did that to her when she was pregnant.
And it's just like, you arsehole.
They want to publicly humiliate him for whatever their reasons are.
But like, I just think he ditched her.
If you're going to play with fire, he's going to get burnt.
And he's obviously been doing it left, right and center.
And it's kind of turning into the Tiger Woods thing.
I believe Adam.
No, I don't.
I stand with Adam. I stand with Adam. I think Adam is the victim in't. They're saying. I stand with Adam folks.
I stand with Adam.
I think Adam is the victim
in all of this actually.
I feel very sorry for him.
Do you know why I feel like this?
Because I was in a relationship
with a man before
who was carrying on
with loads of women
behind my back
and DMing them
and all these emotional affairs
and all this bullshit.
I would have much preferred
if those girls wanted me to know
that they'd tell me.
I just would have
I feel for his wife
I wouldn't like it
to be made public. I think we live in a culture now where people just rat each other out publicly that's
what happens so it's not about he said she said man woman affair it's just I don't the culture
of ratting each other out publicly I've I've hit I've hit a wall with this I know it is I've hit
a wall I'm bored of it now I have I have outing fatigue the reason
like I'm kind of
like not that I'm like
sadistically looking forward
to it unfolding
but I'd say that there's
a lot more to come
from this story
because five people
have come out
in the last two days
like how many more
is there
do you know
there's a website
that will teach you
how to have an affair
what
yeah
like why do you
have to be taught
just like
because people are
thick like Adam
and they get caught out.
Adam, you dirty little shitebag.
Adam is like in the junior infants of Sleaze.
Like he's in the...
He's in the...
He has no lessons.
He has no information.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
Yeah.
So this person will teach you like...
But some people are just like...
Because I did a TV show on this
and some people are just literally looking
for an emotional affair as well. But like, I I did a TV show on this and some people are just literally looking for an emotional affair as well.
But like, I find it really bizarre
that he would just so blatantly go and do that
to think that he could get away with it.
It's like, what dude?
Like, what?
There's probably a bit of ego there as well
that he thinks he's a bit bulletproof.
But maybe there's more to it.
But apart from the girl on TickTick
that he had the affair with,
from what I can tell,
the other ones are just saying that he sent
the messages and stuff i'm just like
if i got a message from adam whatever i'm so i'm so scared to even say it but this this um website
that teaches you how to have an affair it's all about like burner phones apparently there's a
there's a website or an app you can use that deletes but what's up you can delete your
messages now as well but there's an app you can use that deletes, well WhatsApp you can delete your messages now as well, but there's an app you can use that'll delete your messages automatically.
Except people get stung because they keep the messages
and they go away on fictitious weekends away
and he's like, they're the two big mistakes.
Just don't do those things.
But you know, if you're going out of your way that much to have an affair,
like really, do you still want to be in that relationship?
Like what's the point of it?
Because the secrecy is what's attractive.
That's what I think.
I, now I could, like if, right, if you, like, if you're out in the piss one night
and if I ended up scoring Alex Turner,
let's say, okay, if I scored Alex Turner,
I wouldn't be like, I wouldn't be like
slyly mailing him behind Spenny's back.
But like, if you're out and like something happened,
like, I'm not saying that I would do it
because I genuinely don't,
it would never cross my mind
to want to do something like that.
Really? Because it sounds like this is literally what's crossing your mind right now.
We're listening to it cross your mind.
So if anyone spots Alex Turner, if they could pop me a quick DM, I would be absolutely thrilled.
I think some people are just hooked on attention.
Like I was in another guy that I went out with who had an emotional affair.
Well, had several, but one that I stung him on.
Anyway, whatever, we won't go into the deets. I remember asking him like why why why because I knew he wasn't I
knew I kind of knew by him and what he was into that he wasn't into this girl I knew that she
wasn't really his type now that's not to say I don't know but anyway I was like why and he was
like I just she gave me so much attention I just really liked the attention and I was like it was
such a it's so simple but it's so true he just wanted the attention and I guess when you're in a relationship with someone that kind of attention
you can't give someone attention like that all the time because you get used to each other and
you fall into a different groove but they want the it's as simple as that the attention and I'd say
that's what Adam was thriving off it was just this attention from these hot young ones no but you
know Emily Ratajkowski was a and like obviously
like which she has never um do you know what that's a good example she's actually never come
out and said that her husband cheated on her multiple times but that's the rumor and that's
where they broke up and she came out and said that people giving the girl on tiktok so much
shit need to just like step back a bit and just be like right it's not because it is so easy to
blame women but it's not it's not like it's like you forget about the guy
who's actually cheated it's like she's not to blame he is in a relationship and he is yes she
shouldn't have done it but he's the one who has a wife who's pregnant who's in a relationship who
has kids who shouldn't be doing it so he is the one who's the dirty dog and nobody else and i
would i don't know if he'll come back from that because he's got such a clean little image
on the voice and everything
but it's like that thing, can you separate the person
and the art, like I don't know
I'm using the term art
but Maroon 5 is probably a stretch but I
I just think
like I know I'm
I know I'm sceptical and cynical but I just think
everyone's at it so it just doesn't hold the same
weight for me anymore, I'm just like everyone's at it so it just doesn't hold the same weight for me anymore I'm just like
everyone's at it
so what
everyone's having affairs
Jo
you're probably
fucking strung out
no
sure Jo
why are your eyes
going so wide there
I don't know
why did you shake your head
when you said that
Jo
he nodded
like a Freudian slip
of the head
I did not
anyway
my thoughts and prayers
go out to Adam Levine
I really hope he gets
a break from the
sorry
you go
you go
I was filming for
have you been watching
Married at First Sight
is the show good this year
the show's very good this year
but I don't think I can talk to you about it
because now you haven't been watching it I feel like everyone's been watching it i was
thinking though i'm married for aside celebrities oh yeah i'd go on that me too yeah i'd end up
getting someone like joe swash i know he's already married but there'd be someone like that
who would we get for joanne honestly jamie lang i think like that would have been hilarious
we'd be a great married couple it would be platonic but we would be a great married couple
yeah you'd never marriages are never have sex never have sex excuse me jamie lang would be a
great option for me because we do get on who would be my option so engaged you want me to say dave
the rapper don't you i can see it in your life. Oh, is that what you meant? Dave the Rapper? Oh, I've never thought of that.
Okay.
That guy that you have his name tattooed in your ass cheek.
Dave the Rapper, yeah?
That's so strange.
I never would have put us together.
But now that you say it, we would be a good match.
Yeah, we would.
You know what?
All fair.
She'd just tell me she had a wet room in bed and my nature's planning to just know he is.
Spenny told me something that boys have
boners all night during the night like
up and down and up and down is that true Jo?
I
would be asleep so I wouldn't know
Do you not remember in Sex and the City when
Charlotte put a roll of
stamps around Clay's
penis to see if he got an erection in the night
No I don't remember that
and then when she went because he couldn't get it up
for her and she was like trying to figure out, was it mental?
Was it physical? So she put a row of stamps around his
penis. I'm being very medical today.
And it snapped during the night
when she woke up. It was broken, so she knew
that he could get it up.
Oh God, no.
But I feel like Spencer is saying that to you to set himself up for something.
I don't know what it is. I'm suspicious.
Listen, I was trying to read my book last night and like I was so excited I had 100 pages left
and he knew how excited I was to get into bed and read my book do you think he would leave me alone
until I just we just had sex I was like I will later I'm just reading my book we will later
just reading my book it's like a dog with a bone well I would be very careful about telling this
story because there's married couples out there who haven't seen each other naked since 2002 and
you're giving out your husband wants to ride you all the time that's not a bad complaint
listen sometimes i just want to read my book okay i'm very tired at the moment as i've as i've said
not all of us are getting 15 hours sleep a night okay do you want that's three hours for me
i don't know what's wrong with me i had to pull my eyes open to even get out of bed to do this
podcast i'm still in my pajamas for god's sake do you know what i because i went this is now
if i choose to have a drink, right,
and I know that we recorded
the pod last time
and I said I was never drinking again.
Well, I did.
I was drinking again on Saturday.
But it's, you have to do it.
You can't not,
I can't not go on the fest.
I know, you have to.
It all, do you know what?
It all started with a cherry white claw.
As all good stories start.
I'll just,
I'll just have one of these.
I'll have one of these.
Long time ago,
or is it a long, long... What's the start
of a fairy tale? Once upon a time.
Once upon a time.
The day started with a cherry white claw.
It ended with every woman's dad.
I'm getting my hair done today. Do you know what I've
realised? The blonde's coming out of my hair. My hair
is... My
natural hair colour is disgusting it's
like a non-event it's like um moosey mousy brown what is it mousy or moosey brown what's the
saying mine's mousy is it mousy yeah i think it's moosey no no it's not anyway it's a rodent brown
my hair is a rodent non-existent brown it's disgusting so i'm going to get my highlights
done so excuse the fact i I look 90 years of age
I think that
when you have really blonde hair
like we've dyed our hair
everyone's hair looks
rodent brown
so mine is kind of
rodent brown as well
but I think maybe
it wouldn't look like that
if we didn't have the blonde in it
no I think your hair is
like you have a natural balayage
because your
your natural hair colour is
it's a specific colour
it's like you've got brown hair
and then blonde in it
I've got rodent coloured hair anyway I feel for everyone out colour it's like you've got brown hair and then blonde in it I've got rodent
coloured hair
anyway I feel for
everyone out there
who's got rodent
coloured hair
with no specific
description
it's really annoying
if I had a dark
if my hair was dark
naturally I would
just let it be dark
I wouldn't be spending
thousands a year
on fucking getting it
coloured
imagine having
Gigi's hair
those highlights
are like
that's bizarre
I don't know
where she got
I used to have white blonde hair
Though when I was younger
She's got a natural
Head of highlights
And I'm not even messing
When I say
Every time she wakes up
She looks like she's had
A curly blow dry
I know she does
She's had a bouncy blow
What the fuck
I don't know
I do not know
She's really obsessed
With phones now
You literally
Cannot leave your phone
Everywhere
Anywhere
And she just takes it
And she's like
I just have it for a little bit
And she just pisses off at your phone.
What are you doing now?
That's great.
Because if anything, if you ever sound any embarrassed,
like if I was Adam Levine,
I'd say my child got a hold of my phone.
She's at the phone again.
I was hacked.
I love when people do something embarrassing
and then it doesn't work out.
And they're like, I was hacked.
When you think you're doing someone a favor
and you're not like that time,
you two gave their album away for free on iTunes and everyone was like, how dare they?
I know that was, that felt like a slight overreaction to me, to be honest.
It's not like they gave, it wasn't like the thing came with an STI that you were, you called if you opened the iPod.
It was a song.
Delete it, delete it.
Now my favorite U2 song, speaking of U2, do you know the song Disco Tech?
It doesn't get enough, enough airtime.
It's a great tune.
You're dead right.
It's such a tune. You stick dead right. It's such a tune.
Mm-hmm.
You stick that in your next DJ set.
What?
Is it a DJ?
My next DJ set.
When are you DJing next?
I was actually meant to DJ on Friday,
but childcare issues have meant that I'm not able to.
One of the first jobs I've had to say,
I actually can't do that.
Hold on.
All 12 of the nannies were busy.
I find that hard to believe.
Surely one of them was free.
Do you know what though?
I know like now,
I don't know if it's true
because I don't personally know,
but my friend has told me
that this girl,
I'm going to try and keep it very vague.
Basically,
she has three kids
and three nannies in London.
That's it.
That's how you do it.
Imagine.
But what are they doing?
The kids go to nursery.
That's it. but then they just stay
outside the nursery chatting and smoking probably and then pick up the kid the dream that's what i
i would if i i would love that i have to say now i'd like a nanny for myself in that case
imagine can you like evening you make my make my make my lunch airplane Fiji little soft food
illegal in the afternoon
the dream
babies are living
their fucking lives
yeah I think
they're called assistants
at our age
so I shot the new
bear by vogue campaign
this week
and don't worry
our code goes to 20
still alive
still alive
so I shot our
Christmas campaign
for the first time
we're doing a Christmas box
would you like one Joanne
what's in it?
Okay, well, there's different kinds of things.
I'm a bit ungrateful.
But you know what's in it?
A lump of coal.
That's what yours has.
That's what yours has.
There are assorted boxes of things
that people would like from the business side.
Sorry, just while we're talking about folks,
businesses,
can I just say,
and this is not me blowing smoke up your ass
because you know
I'm hesitant to do that
yes I do
I got your gym stuff
with Lucy Nagle
my god
it is so
I know
which colour did you get
blue
I'm surprised
I was thinking of
trying to screw Lucy
out of another one
and saying oh the size
didn't fit I'll return
and get another one
but I was like no
because she might ask me
to actually return it
and I was like no
I'll just hold on to it
I would say if you asked her she'd send you another one but I was like no because she might ask me to actually return it and I was like no I'll just tell Dan to it I would say if you asked her
she'd send you another one
it is
genuinely now
the most comfortable
yeah it was very comfortable
well it takes such a long time
because if you don't have
the right material
for a legging
so we went through about
like nine different fabrics
and then we found
a really really good one
so that's why our leggings
are so soft
and they're squat proof
so thank you very much Joanne
Do you hear Andrew Garfield
did you see this story
where he was talking about
that Andrew Garfield
is a method actor
apparently I had
I didn't know that
Is he?
Yeah
I always think that's a bit much
isn't it?
I know
It sounds a bit wanky
but apparently it's legitimate
and he was actually
defending method acting
and he was saying
for some role that he had
that he was a
he was a he was a Jesuit priest in it I at the mormon show it's a really good show
is it fuck that i wouldn't want to be hanging out with him for a year while he's filming that
well anyway he says he was celibate for six months into before filming and i was like six
months that's a long weekend for me what are you you on about? It's not celibacy.
It links back to the Adam Levine thing.
This is how much sex or how much sexual power famous men have.
Sorry, Joanne.
Joanne.
Like, maybe I am a sexual, like.
Predator.
A deviant.
Deviant.
Well, you're married, Vogue.
It's different. but no I don't
like honestly
like I never thought of myself
as being like
super highly sexual
but like
I wouldn't have to go six months
no way
I'd easily
I'd easily go
like if I'm not with someone
yeah if I'm not with someone
I switch off
I have no interest
oh no
I'd be going on the hunt
I basically
my
I kind of
my genitals go into hibernation
I guess you'd call it
hibernation
I don't know
I don't know
sorry
sorry Jo
but it's true
you must be
hanging around with yourself
a little bit more then
in that sense
I'm telling you
it's like a switch
no you don't go completely celibate
you must be like
I'm telling you though
I'm telling you now
building up your toy collection
no I'm telling you now
sometimes I just lose
all interest
I'm like
if I'm single I if I'm single,
I just, I'm like,
I couldn't be arsed.
I couldn't be arsed
even having a go on myself.
And it'll go on
for months and months
and then something will happen.
I'll be like,
oh no, Joanne,
you need to get back
on the train
and you know,
it's all about momentum.
But like,
I'm not sexually charged
12 months a year.
Unless I wet someone
and then I'm into it.
But if I'm not,
I could just give up completely.
I'm like,
oh whatever,
I couldn't be arsed.
Yeah, no, I would.
I'd be, no.
I'd find that quite hard.
No, I wouldn't.
Sometimes I'm just like, it's like a light just switches off.
You're like, couldn't be bothered.
I could go a couple of weeks without even thinking about it, to be honest with you.
A couple of weeks?
God, you're very good.
A couple of weeks, yeah.
That's why I'm permanently in a relationship.
Yeah. But there's nothing worse'm permanently in a relationship. Yeah.
But there's nothing worse than being in a relationship
with somebody you don't know sex with.
Oh, I've been there as well.
Yeah, I've been there as well.
Same.
You're like, sure, just after.
What about in a month's time?
Yeah, I've got my...
This is so awkward.
Sorry, I've actually got my period.
I've had it for six months now.
Sorry about that.
I actually have a severe migraine.
It's not a headache, it's a migraine.
I would love that one-on-one nanny care.
I'd be like, oh God, I haven't seen the babies in days.
Where are the babies?
I don't know where they've been taken care of by the team of nannies.
I'm like, oh, I can't.
Tell them I'll see them at their Holy Communion.
Bye.
Yeah, when I collect their funds I have a second
SSE arena
on October 14th
that needs love
the first arena
sold out
which I was like
oh deadly
that's like
throw on a second one
huge mistake
is that in Cork
is that in Cork
no it's in Belfast
the SSE in Belfast
oh
anyway I love Belfast I know and it's in Belfast. Yes, I see in Belfast. Oh, I love Belfast.
I know, and it's such a deadly room.
Anyone, if there's anyone in Dublin
that hasn't seen Joanne's show,
which I highly doubt,
go up to Belfast.
It's so nice up there.
I know.
To go for lunch and stuff
and to wander around.
I'd love to know what the demographic,
what the stats are population-wise
because it seems to me like Belfast is significant
it has significantly
more women
I don't know why
maybe it's just because
I gig and I
I meet a lot of women
but it's just
sound women everywhere
oh come here to me
and I'm not just saying that
because I need to sell
a second arena
I genuinely think
you're really sound
oh sorry
particular shout out
to Salford
who I've never experienced
energy like that
in the room
like Vicar Street's
one thing
but Salford they were standing up before I'd even said anything.
Like they were, Gerard was like introduced to me and they were like on their feet.
I was like, I haven't said a thing.
I just, I don't deserve this at all.
But the energy in that room was unbelievable.
So thank you, Salford.
It was one of my favorite shows ever.
That's up in Manchester, isn't it?
Yeah.
I'm not surprised.
It's Manchester adjacent.
Manchester adjacent Salford.
I know Alexander had a couple
Of friends over there
Recently and I was like
Oh where are you
Bet you from in America
They're like
We're from Canada
I was like
Oh well I've just
Said the worst thing
Possible so hello
We wanted to know
What we did this week
I'm trying to look
At my week as well
I feel like
I feel like
Because Monday
Turned into a bank holiday
That I wasn't expecting
I feel like I've been
Like chasing my tail
All week
Oh my god I actually Joanne put up A video of her I feel like I've been like chasing my tail all week oh my god I
actually Joanne put up a video of her room and like I was so close to a panic attack that I was
like do you want me to come over and help you will I help you with that room but it's do you know
what it is it's it's just because I'm not here that much when I come in when I come in I have
two days to unpack everything repack everything you know what I mean it's a constant it's exhausting I was saying to Vogue
it's fucking relentless
do you know what I bought Vogue
what
vacuum bags
oh my god
she's come over
to the dark side
I'm gonna pump my way
into an organised life
you are gonna
because you know what
you do not have the space
for your summer bits
during the winter
like when we get to the point
we have a winter wardrobe and a summer wardrobe,
that will be a really nice day, but it's not coming for a long time.
It was actually kind of embarrassing because I was like,
I'll pack up my summer wardrobe and the vacuum bags are huge.
I didn't even half fill the thing.
Sometimes I don't have a summer wardrobe.
Oh, wow.
I was like, there must be other things.
Come on, Joanne.
You made a really big deal about getting these vacuum bags
so you could pack away your summer wardrobe.
Turns out I have four bikinis and one pair of denim shorts.
That's all I have.
Well, listen, you won't know yourself
when you're packing away your coats next summer.
Oh, I'm living for the coats.
Living for the coats.
Another organizing tip,
you have to buy yourself velvet hangers.
Just get the black thin velvet hangers.
They save like 30% space
and everything has to be buttoned up
so then it all
sits nicely on the hanger again saves like i told you i'd come over and do this for you i know but
like it's there was actually a company contact me and they're like we'll come over and organize your
room that's kind of what they do and i said thank you so much but it'd be wasted on my bedroom if i
get a house at some stage i'd love if you helped me there joan take take 10 steps back accept it
you will die with how amazing
people like that are
if they come over
and organise
like it's just
but you will always
follow that
why do you think
I live in my wardrobe
downstairs
because I'm just like
I need to put everything
back perfectly
but you know what it is
I've outgrown my
I've outgrown my room
and I've outgrown my wardrobe
I've too much stuff
like I'm nearly 40 now
like I should have
my own flat
like that's where I should be
but I just don't have time
to organise
I know but you're not
we've spoken about buying a flat I know but you're not allowed
we've spoken about
buying a flat
I think what you
need to do is
get those wardrobe
people over
and let us all
see it online
because there's
no content I love
more than that
please do it
for me
thank you very
much for listening
I've been Vogue
Williams
a comedian
extraordinaire
and she's been
Joanne McNally
kind of comedian
and we will continue
to be those people
next week when we're back
yes
yes
correction corner
we're on our holidays
next week
we're not auction holidays
but we're not doing
the pod for a while
whoa whoa whoa
that sounds a bit
you know
you'll be back
you'll be back in October
don't worry
as much as I don't like
announcing a departure
from Instagram
because I just think
like go away
and just come back
when you feel like it. I am
going to announce that we are departing the pod for two
weeks for a quick break, a brain
refill and
we're very excited to come back but we're also
very excited to have a little holiday.
Exactly, if we're at the stage of the podcast where we're talking about my
wardrobe, we really need to go away.
That's the content I love. I'd listen to a pod just
on your wardrobe if I could. We need to live our lives,
get some more interesting stuff
and come back.
Basically, me and Vogue
have had a massive fallout
and we can't look at each other anymore
so the pod may or may not be back.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Joanne and I have been fighting,
physically fighting.
Physically fighting.
Vogue glassed me yesterday.
She glassed me, Jo.
She swilled me.
Isn't that what the Geordie Shore
people say?
Swilling, isn't it?
Swilling.
When you throw a drink at someone.
Yeah, I think it's swilling.
Have you ever thrown a drink at someone?
I have.
Have you?
Yes.
Who?
I think a couple of times.
What?
One was to one of Spenny's friends.
Was it a joke or was it a serious swill?
No, it was a serious swill.
I know.
What did they do to deserve the swill?
There was a lot of deservingness of the swill
because I actually got an apology after said swill.
Okay, okay.
Yes, then I knew I was right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who knew that you'd be the violent one?
Huh?
Oh, I have quite the temper.
I do.
Oh, I know, but they don't know, but they know now.
You know now.
I break things.
That's my worst trait.
Breaking things and then regretting breaking them after.
But I haven't done it in a while.
This laptop has been around at least two years.
If that swilling story doesn't make the Daily Mail,
I will quit, retire and bury myself in the ground.
Are you sure?
I only said it because I need a bit of press, you know?
If it's one thing about William's needs, it's more press. Bye.