My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "The Secret Millionaire."

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

With only a few days before the festivities go wild, it's time for Joanne's Christmas Party. Of course - you'll know that Joanne works for herself, so it was a fairly solitary celebration. Meanwhile, Vogue is asking how old is too old, when it comes to questioning your faith in Santa. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

Hello and welcome to an extra helping of My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams and Joanne McNally. I'm really sorry, Joanne is refusing to do the intro lines now, so I'm going to be Joanne. This is my enthusiastic voice, which I use exclusively for reading these pre-written segments. Please keep sending your emails because we do read them. And we need them because we want to hear your dick move spoofers, icks and deb stories. So send them in. Hello at mtgmpod.com.

Joanne, you got some bits for the special pod this week. We're talking Christmas. Right, actually, let's do a little bit of a spoiler. We will do a spoiler for this. If you've got any kids listening in the car, first of all, why are they listening? And second of all, block their ears for this bit because we're going to do some Santa chat. Is the spoiler that you're telling people that Santa

doesn't exist? Yeah. I've got to be honest with our listeners there's some poor sheltered woman called Lorraine in her 40s in Mullingar

who's literally on her fucking knees now being like what who's been giving me these gifts and you know do you know what

I never questioned when I was younger why my parents never got me a present never crossed my mind hold on did they not give they just let it

all to Santa oh Santa got me the presents they never got me anything present never crossed my mind hold on did they not give they just let it all to santa all santa got me the presents they never got me anything and i never thought those absolute scab monsters never thought it that's weird i always got we always got but whatever crossed actually no i'll tell this is how denial works and i've taken it into all my adult relationships it's why i pretended i didn't see my ex-boyfriend opening up naked photos of women that they dm'd him in Instagram. I carry this denial through. So you can imagine, I was a big Santa believer.

I was like, hmm, why is it that Santa has the same wrapping paper as my mum and my auntie breed? Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Your mum wrapped your Santy presents? Yeah, what do you think, fucking the elves did it? Oh my God, no, mine were just left out. She wasn't wrapping all the presents she just like had other shit to be doing than wrapping a load of santa presents so your mom didn't give you a christmas present and didn't bother wrapping the santa

presents i've had an awful life you see there's you know what there's child i got a trampoline one year what the fuck are they gonna wrap that with yeah okay i guess you're like how do you wrap a tennis court i understand what you're saying you were so rich the presents were so big they couldn't wrap them i seriously how would they wrap my pony my mother had a pony my mother was well able to wrap my polly pocket so thanks man one sheet done half an inch of sellotape happy Christmas go on how did you find out about Santa then and I actually had potty pockets too so screw you I did have suspicions again like I say similar not similar presents the exact same presents as my auntie's kids my cousins and we would spend Christmas with them so like it was very lazy on my mother's part to be fair like mum if you're

listening you shouldn't be because I told you not to but if you are no offense but like you could you knew we were going to be hanging out with them like and like weird shit it wasn't like obvious shit that everyone wanted like lego like we an or like a rock with a load of um little heads drawn on it and it was like rolling stone i can't remember anyway and my cousin had the exact same like it was all just very suspicious behavior then what age were you 14 15 Joanne please don't tell me

you believed in Santa until you were 14 I stopped believing in Santa and lost my virginity in the same year life comes at you fast would not surprise me

things are things are busy out the south side no i think i was i think i was 10 is that normal yeah i was about 10 i'd say yeah did you see the thing going around during the week where this this it was filmed on this i see i never have these things are staged or not where this child comes in in front of in front of his father and goes to the Siri, Siri, is Santa real? And Santa just goes, no. Yeah, and then the dad starts, I know! And the dad starts freaking out. When did you find out?

I'd say I was about, I found, I remember I had asked for a babblous hairdryer for Christmas. I mean, if I'm asking for hairdryers, I'm too old to believe in Santa. That's like asking for a driving license, though, Santa. That's completely humiliating. Maybe I was 11 or 12. Can I get a mortgage

repayment off Santa, please? You're too out, Vogue. You're too fucking out. Fabulous air dryer! A fabulous air dryer. And I found it and I was like, why is this here? And I didn't know what to say. I was like, what do I say?

What do I do? I know. How do you broach the subject? Here, listen. Stop slagging me off. If one of your parents' friends tried to slip you a 50 or a 20 like the old days, don't say you wouldn't take it. I'd still take it. No, but there's certain things that just suggest you shouldn't be believing it.

Like if you're like, can I get a casserole dish off Santa? You're too old to believe in Santa. A bobbinous hair dryer falls into the... Okay, I get it. I get it. Can I get laser hair removal from Santa this year? No, you're too old. Well, that's how I found out.

How did you find out? From the shop and paper? So the wrap of paper was... I was on... Ied but of course you're in denial so you just don't want to believe that it's true and then one year I went looking and I found I was significantly younger than you vote because I didn't find an electrical appliance I found a candle making kit which was all the rage back when I was a child and candle making kit where you just like melt a lot of wax like it was a fire hazard but anyway it was the 90s and um I found this candle making kit underneath my mum's bed and then it was wrapped on the day it arrived in from Santa

and I still in a bid to keep the dream alive I said to her do you sometimes give Santa presents to give to me because you know what I want and she was like no and I was like so everything that comes from Santa is exclusively sourced by Santa she's like yeah and then I was like right that's it it's over I'm like I remember when I said it to her I did ask her that was like when are you going to tell me and she was like we never would have told you and I was like well that's really embarrassing well it's you always figure it out unless you're like unless you've cognitive difficulties because you overdosed on sugar when you're at Christmas like I did yeah yeah possibly

possibly I think it's a nice thing to believe in because we have that elf now around the house and Gigi goes nuts for the elf like she loves that elf

that elf sounds like a pain in the hell he's a bit of a pain in the hole to be honest people warned me about starting the elf shit and I was like no he's so cute

it's a family tradition and now I'm like that fucking elf I just thought what am I going to do with the elf tonight I know what like no he's so cute it's a family tradition and now I'm like that fucking elf I just thought what am I going to do with the elf tonight I know what'll I do

honestly what'll I do with him sacrifice him put him on the bar he's set fire to him the elf died I'll put him in Winnie's bed

with the head taken off oh god the elf wasn't a good boy so he got decapitated go to bed Theodore you little bitch night night so a bishop

was trying to focus on the story of Saint Nicholas when he told children Santa did not exist in a church in Sicily he's apologised because the parents

were obviously raging and he was only trying to underline the true meaning of Christmas. And it's not about gifts. You have to give gifts to the poor. Fair enough. And that Santa was only made up by Coca-Cola for publicity. Listen, he's not lying. He's also representing a fictional magical character as well.

It's absolutely outrageous. Yeah, this is absolutely true. is santa for adults yeah the same rules apply you're someone's keeping an eye on you if you're good you get rewarded if you're bad you get punished but just as an adult a train set isn't going to cut it so they swap the gift for eternal life that's fair enough that's actually a lovely way of looking at it and i'm happy i'm happy i'll swap being good for eternal life we know how i feel about death here actually i want to talk about christmas presents not to get all deep and stuff like that but um there's this thing if anyone's thinking of what to get someone for christmas right there's a charity called choose love and they look after

loads of different refugees but you can buy like different um packages for people that have no money so there's different levels that you can spend on somebody you can spend like different packages for people that have no money. So there's different levels that you can spend on somebody. You can spend like 30 quid, you can spend 50 quid. And like, for instance, say like a refugee child who's coming into the country will come with like no shoes and no coat, no winter coat, nothing like that. So you can buy like a winter package for that child. And I just think if you're struggling to get a gift for somebody, I would love, I'm not saying you have to buy me a gift. You want a refugee for Christmas, is that what you're struggling to get a gift for somebody I would love not I'm not saying you have to buy

me a gift you want a refugee for Christmas is that what you're saying oh yes I would like a refugee for Christmas but isn't it a really nice idea like you could get somebody that like for your secret Santa you buy them that and then like they feel good about themselves and somebody is like that really needs something is getting what they need and I just think it's a really amazing charity and if you are looking for something go to choose love they've got an amazing shop where you can buy lots of different stuff i might actually show you some of the stuff they have joanne they have an afghanistan bundle so uh this is for food warm clothes and shoes a family reunion women's support and mental health support that one's 120 quid but as i said you can get like a new start for a child bundle

for 80 quid education children's play and activities a coat warm clothes and shoes it's so nice so the

so the so the pack is sourced and sent on and given to the person that needs it that's lovely that's really really nice

don't get me that I want a candle I want a Jo Malone go to choose love that's a lovely idea but I want a set of matching py choose love That's a lovely idea But I want a set of Matchy pyjamas And a Gemini on cattle

Thank you babe Okay fine Whatever I'll give you Re-gifted stuff I just want When you were talking About charity there

You just reminded me This girl sent me this story It was so funny Because I was talking On Instagram about Losing my mind over Christmas And just getting drunk And doing stupid shit

And she was like This girl I went so well to Christmas last year, I thought it was the best idea to donate €500 to a dying lady on a GoFundMe. In addition to that, I also tipped the GoFundMe people €50. Sure, why not, whilst I was looting

my own bank account. I woke up the next morning with what can only be described as the worst hangover of my life, but also being riddled with self-loathing as I had to email GoFundMe and ask for my donation back. No. Oh no. When Marcos from the happiness team, in inverted commas, explained to me that the money had already been transferred to the organiser of the GoFundMe page, the dying woman,

I then had to email the woman directly, who is dying, in caps. Oh my god, no. and ask for the 450 euro back so i could live for the month until payday not my finest choice of words i might add i was known to my friends for a while as a secret millionaire as i tipped anonymously which is funny when you think about it as in the end i was not anonymous at all then she sent me a screen graph of the anonymous and the 500 quid and all the spend before that is like 2 euro, 9 euro, 4 euro 500 euro I would rather starve

for the month than ask for that money back honestly that is like the worst like you've asked a woman who's dying for the money back you can't i always thought it would be a funny scene in a sitcom do you know the way like i've donated money to causes before as in someone's very unwell and it's like help donate money to get like brian home for christmas or whatever it is right and i always thought it'd be really funny if you had a character

who noticed that brian hadn't managed to get home for Christmas and was like hey Brian can't help but notice you didn't manage to get home for Christmas can I get my 50 quid back like what you know what are you using the 50 quid for

I actually can't believe she asked for that money back I wouldn't be able to I wouldn't 450 and she this is how drunk she was she tipped

she tipped GoFundMe 50 quid but how could you ask for that money back you'd have to like she's had her mate's aunt where's the quiz you promised me a quiz I've got it up I've got the quiz here oh my god I'm shocked

has she got the quiz ready Jo because this is like shocking I'm going to write down your answers okay. Jo will you play as well? Yeah I'll play. I'll have a red wine this is my Christmas party. I don't even know who I'm talking to. Sorry if anybody has listened to our

weekly podcast by the way. Joanne said at the start of that which is in the same sitting as this that she'd given up the red wine that she wasn't drinking the red wine she was going to be a saint and have vodka and quavers only this is now an hour later you've lied

no red wine no mulled wine no head like a balloon Poirot over there. Oh dear. He was Joanne in the sitting room with no dignity and a bottle of Merlot.

I'm having one glass of red wine because it's my office Christmas party and I work alone so it's pretty fucking grim. Jo and Vogue. I'm going to need both your answers. No googling, please. Okay.

Question one. In the film Elf, what is the first rule of the Code of the Elves? I'm going to need your answer almost immediately. Never say Santa's not real. Vogue?

To always be kind. Are you Googling this shit? Is that right? I don't know if it's real, Dana. She's saying that she's... No, you're wrong. You're wrong. Thank God.

You're both wrong. Thank God. Which former president of the United States makes... States. The Merlot. Hold on.

Which former president of the United States makes a cameo in Home Alone 2? Donald Trump. I got it first. My point. Joe, you're crap.

Yeah. Joe's crap. Yeah. Tell me the answer to the elf one, please. Sorry, no, we're going to do the answer to the elf one.

We know we got that one right. What was the Grinch's dog named? Oh, Max! Oh. Yeah, that's right. Yes! I'll do the answers as we go. Max, you're right.

Donald Trump, you're right. The Elf... One of my favourite ever movies. Treat Every Day Like Christmas is the answer to that one. Treat Every Day Like Christmas. This is an interesting one that I did not know. What is the highest grossing Christmas movie of all time? Choose one.

Dr. Seuss, The Grinch, Home Alone or Love Actually. Love Actually. Vogue? The Grinch. Only because Love Actually Love Actually Vogue The Grinch only because I love it Vogue is correct it is The Grinch 502 million

dollars it's an amazing film like amazing can I say something can I say something about The Grinch some woman hired this Grinch

impersonator to her gaff and she wrote this whole thing up, like basically being like, it was the worst experience of her life. Like, and he actually went in and acted like the Grinch and smashed up her whole house and threw the food all over the floor.

Like you should see her house after. He did an amazing job, but like she was raging. Method acting, that's Daniel Day-Leo shit. You should be delighted what colour was Santa Claus's suit before Coca-Cola decided to ask him green I win I thought it was black no it's green

it's green yeah fair what festive what festive item was eaten by single women in Tudor times in the hope that it would help them find a husband oh come on sorry ignoring the plight of single women an Tudor times in the hope that it would help them find a husband. Oh, come on. Sorry, ignoring the plight of single women. He called himself a family.

An orange, an orange. No, gingerbread man. Oh, no. Apparently that's what they were. Witches used to give them out. And then women would give... Joanne's going to turn into a witch. Look at her.

Women would give them to the men that they fancied and that they'd eat them and then they would hope that it would make them fall in love with them it's so cute whereas men just roofie us which is so aggressive but there you go different times eh

I loved Joanne's Christmas party I'm having a great time okay well we do the podcast late at night next week as well because my bed is just there so i so i could just get into bed and do the podcast so i'm ready to go sleep because i was just looking at the time it is night 7 19 it's pretty late for me i'm just gonna say grow up folk you're an adult woman do you know that I did a show in my full blonde pajamas

the other day I kind of just went into myself and wore the same clothes for 48 hours slept, got up, went to work slept, got up, went to work oh Joanne

don't tell people that at least you wash your bed sheets once a week I do remember that I just did it I'm not even depressed I'm actually really proud of myself I just did it I'm not even depressed I'm actually really proud of myself

I just did it for fun Okay the quiz isn't finished yet How tall approximately is the Christmas tree at London's Trafalgar Square

Jo you're a Protestant you should know this 100 foot 100 foot 100 foot 20 35 feet I don't know measurements, right?

Okay, I'm going to need it in meters, please. Oh, come on. Okay. 60 meters. No, that's absolute madness. She's Spencer giving her measurements. She doesn't know what the fuck is going on. I'm not good at measurements, okay? Did you not used to work in a building site?

Is that not your job? Yeah, I wasn't very good at it. Do I still work on a building site? Is that not your job? Yeah, I wasn't very good at it. Do I still work on a building site? No. What did you say, Jo? 20 meters. Bang on. Yes, get in.

Okay, well, I don't care that you got that. Okay, I don't care. That's a pity. That's a pity win for you. 60 meters, I said. Jesus. I would have loved to have seen the offices you designed in the end. How many calories in the average Christmas dinner?

I'm hesitant to do these because I do like to be body positive. 1,800. 1,800. 3,000. No, you're about to range. 9,500. What? No.

What? No. It's only meat and veg. Get off. 957 calories. The meal. This isn't where we melt the pate over the cereal. This is just the meal.

Christmas dinner. Cheese sauce. Christmas dinner is healthy. It's healthy. How many... We'll finish on this. Will we? How many Christmas puddings are sold in the UK on average?

Again, again, it's numbers and things like that I'm not good at, but I'm going to say 9 million. 12 million. 25 million. This is a thing. I don't get the Brits. I don't get it. Christmas puddings are disgusting.

I don't even think I'm going to have one at my table. Vogue, I don't think that's a cultural thing. That's just a Christmas thing. Do you know what else? I don't like Yorkshire puddings. There, I said it. Okay. Whoa.

Sorry. I don't like them. They don't taste like anything. They taste There, I said it. Okay? Whoa. Sorry. I don't like them. They don't taste like anything. They taste like nothing. The finale. Okay, go. In what film would you hear the greeting, Merry Christmas, you filthy animal?

Oh, Home Alone. Home Alone. I win. That was me. That was me. That was so me. I'm going to actually give that to Joe out of pity because he's had to deal with us for the last few.

That's not... No, he got a pity one the last time when I said 60 metres. I said it first. Joe, you didn't... Joe, you can listen back to this. That's not, I don't, no, he got a pity one the last time when I said 60 metres. I said it first. Joe, you didn't, Joe, you can listen back to this. You did not say it first, right? You cheating scumbag. I edit this.

I can make me say it first. 100%. And there we have it. That is all from this extra helping of My Therapist Goes For Me. So definitely do keep sending your emails to hello at mtgmpod.com. Bye.