My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "When a man marries his mistress, a vacancy opens."
Episode Date: October 18, 2023There's no way that the bed bug situation wasn't going to come up at some point... Plus, a cheated listener living her best life, with wise words for everybody. If you’d like to get in touch, you ca...n send an email to hello@MTGMpod.comPlease review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/MTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! For tickets, merch and more, visit mytherapistghostedme.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!
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This is a Global Player original podcast.
Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams, and I am Dwayne McNally.
It's the bonus episode. Welcome. Sit down. Take a load off.
I'm only going to let you do this if you say
g'day mate
in an Australian accent
and you get it good
you're so embarrassing
I can't
do it
do it
do it Skippy
do it
g'day mate
so we're going to be in Australia
we're going to
Brisbane
Sydney
Melbourne
couple of Sydney's
anyway I'm excited
to go to Sydney
I have packed my bags
literally and I'm ready
to go
nowhere else
well I'm also
okay okay well Joanne
I'm sorry
I've made plans
I'd be very careful here now
I have plans in every city
I don't think that I have time
to spend any time with you
outside of the shows
because I am
so busy
with my friends
okay
remember that
okay well I can't wait to eat it whatever it is because I am so busy with my friends. Okay? Remember that.
Okay, well.
I can't eat it, whatever it is.
I'm thinking a cat or a rabbit or a tiny dog.
So Spenny is like, you see, he's one of those people,
like you and Spenny, if we'd put all this stuff together.
Like he buys an expensive pair of sunglasses and I just look at him like, what's the point?
There's no point.
Just take out your money and throw it on the ground.
There's no point.
It's really bad.
I mean, I can't be, I can't keep dragging, I can't keep dragging ADHDers down with me, but I do feel there is.
I'm not going to throw myself into that camp because I actually read an article the other day
oh god
Twitter's a dark place at the moment but
an article the other day about
this woman, this doctor
who was saying like everyone has
ADHD at the moment and it's not helpful
to self-diagnose and it's not an
identity and then someone else is like how
dare you speak about me
and my community like that and all kicked off I don't know why I got sucked into this twitter rant
anyway so I'm very aware I'm not saying I have ADHD however there is a certain type of personality
that's scattered you're a scatty that's that's like but saying that I'm chaotic but you're a
scatty yes you're not yeah Vogue, there is nothing chaotic about you.
No, I mean, by the way I conduct myself,
like I went into a shop today
and I had half an hour to like this amazing shop
and I was running around like such a lunatic
and I was like just crazy the way I was just going around
like trying to get,
I tried to squash too much into one day.
You're not, but you're not,
you're high functioning and overly productive. You're not chaotic. That's like saying the French don't like to day. You're not, but you're not, you're high functioning and overly
productive. You're not chaotic. That's like saying the French
don't like to riot. You're not.
You're the opposite. How about their bedbugs?
Sting on.
Where the fuck did all the bedbugs come from? Do we
know? No, but I remember
I was staying in a nice resort in one of
my first dates with Spenny and it was
infested with bedbugs
and we woke up in the morning
and you basically,
I've been reading about bedbugs,
they inject you with like a painkiller
so you don't feel them biting you
when they're doing it
but you wake up the next day
with all this.
A painkiller?
Yeah.
It comes out of their body.
They can live.
Like morphine?
Yeah.
They basically shoot you up.
Well, had I known that, I would have
opened the bedroom door. I didn't realise that
they were medicating us. I thought they were just
taking our blood. I know, but it's so
painful when you wake up and you've just got this itchy
disgusting rash and you know that someone's
been feasting on you overnight. It's grim.
Oh my God, I'm going to get a little cage, keep
them in the room, then open their little door
at night and just lay there.
Get whacked out of it.
I had bed bug bites in a hostel in Australia.
So what I heard, my source on bed bugs tells me that they bite everyone,
but only some of you have blood that they want.
So they kind of test you like a sommelier.
And they kind of nip in
and see if they like the blood
and if they do
they'll keep going
and if they don't
they'll stop
that's what I heard
and then
and they work in pairs
the animals
and that's why
they're kind of in
they're in
like it looks like a line
well they
so what they do do
they eat anything
that's breathing because they love carbon dioxide.
That's what they thrive on.
And they also can withstand freezing temperatures and temperatures up to 110 degrees.
So you're kind of screwed.
That's why there's mattresses all over the streets in Paris, because you've got to like throw out your mattresses.
Yeah, you have to boil the bedbugs out.
And they always, they're like a little duo.
That's what I heard.
Like Ant and Dec or Usvogue.
A little duo.'s what I heard like Ant and Jack or us folk a little duo
one of those
two
I feel like
we're more like
those two men
who are they again
the duo
I can't remember
who they are
the hairy bikers
the joke club brothers
that's who I meant
apparently they're
the nicest men
in show business
but yeah
apparently they're all
in the cinemas and everything in France yeah they're everywhere but they're the nicest men in show business But yeah Apparently they're all in the cinemas
and everything
in France
Yeah they're everywhere
But they're supposedly
on the tubes in London now
So they're starting to come to London
Obviously via the Eurostar
We all knew it was going to happen
I know
I just feel like
Why do I see them sitting on the tube
going to the London Eye
Why do I think they're tourists
Reading that paper
Yeah the Metro
Reading the Metro reading the Metro
reading about
Joanne's
Joanne's big article
little
little legs
swinging off the chairs
sorry now I'm thinking
they're like the little
M&M men
and their little legs
are just swinging
yeah
sorry
you my belle
bed
bed bug
off the Natural History Museum
trying to get into Soho House
so I know this just
it seems meaningless
but Jo you'll understand
eventually when you're doing it
so we have playdates
with our kids
all the time
like loads of playdates they're always going on playdates with our kids all the time like
loads of playdates they're always going on playdates tea is very popular so he has one today
and I basically went to the school and um had I known this was the case I wouldn't have told the
dad to go to the school I would have taken the child so he's a playdate with one of his friends
and he was like okay see you later I'll pick her up after five and I was like oh hang on we're now
at the age where I can just
ditch tea
and he can go off
to someone's house
for a play date
and then you just reciprocate
by taking their child
for a few hours
another day.
It's brilliant.
Free,
it's free,
it's free babysitting.
Yeah.
Free childcare.
Won't be long
until I can just dump him
at the party.
Spenny tried to dump him
at the party on Saturday.
He was like,
can we not just go?
I was like,
no, we can't go.
We have to stay.
Do you have to stay?
I didn't know that.
But back when I was younger,
my parents never stayed at the parties.
No, they do over here to a certain age, I think.
I don't even think they stopped the car.
I think they just rolled us out.
We just went in and started to party hard.
And then they just did a couple of laps in the estate
and slowed down and we climbed laps in the estate and slowed down
and we climbed back
in the boot and went home
literally
every party
was the same
when we were younger
there was those
mini fairy buns
there was the
Rice Krispie cakes
and then you'd just
have loads of crisps
and stuff
but you wouldn't
actually do anything
we didn't get
children's entertainers
or anything
you literally would
just be in a race
together
with all your friends
the entertainment
was your brother with the whistle telling everyone to run and then that's would just be in together with all your friends the entertainment was your brother
with the whistle
telling everyone to run
and then
that's what we did
relay races
around the block
and
yeah
that's what we did
Pass the Parcel
obviously was brilliant
Pass the Parcel
huge hit
musical chairs
musical chairs
lots of accidents
a lot of violence
a lot of competition
and then
I remember one birthday
really well
I think it was when
we started using like video on birthday parties.
And you know, the kind of real grainy, like 90s footage that you find on VHS.
I don't know, because literally there's no footage of me as a child at all.
Like my parents genuinely didn't like, there's nothing.
Really?
Nothing, nothing.
I would never see myself walking as a child unless it was I was caught by somebody else's
video camera
it's just in the background
like a yeti
proof folk Williams
actually exists
did you hear about
do you think folk Williams exists
no
just creeping around
like that man
and it's just
big foot just
yeah
big mate
big mate from house
is she real
no one knows.
Oh my God,
if I ever have a production company,
I think I'll call it
Big Mouth Productions.
It's a really,
that's a really good name.
Actually,
beep,
beep,
if it doesn't exist,
just beep it out
because I'm actually going to use it.
Thanks Joanne McNally.
Trademark that.
Yeah,
it exists in New York,
but you know,
you could do it over here.
Big Mouth UK. Yeah, Big Mouth UK. Oh no, it exists in New York, but you know, you could do it over here. Big Mate UK.
Yeah, Big Mate UK.
Oh no,
it exists in the UK as well.
Huge Mates.
Like there's other ways
of describing your mates.
Vast.
Large Mates.
Yeah.
Too big for her face.
Face hell.
Face hell.
Face hell.
Face crevice.
Face swamp.
Facial abyss productions.
It does take up,
it takes up like
over a third of my face.
So it should,
it's taking up
too much of the face.
You haven't mentioned
my pink hair.
Does it not look pink to you?
Sorry, I mentioned it
but my earphones hadn't,
my mic wasn't on at the time.
I was like,
oh my God, your hair is pink.
Well, you're all going, we can't hear you. We can't hear you.'t on at the time I was like oh my god your hair is pink while you were all going we can't hear you
we can't hear you
you know the tech
the tech era
before the 20 minute podcast
yeah
I was listening back
to our pod yesterday
because I do that so like
I protect Joanne
mainly
and listen
that thing you were listening to
like speaking of hotels
that's like your new thing now
you don't even know.
I didn't even notice I was doing it.
I just demand a segue for my own conversations.
Hi, Vogue and Joanne and Jo.
I, oh no, I think we're in trouble and Joanne and Joe I, oh no I think we're in trouble Joanne
I have been thinking
of writing to you for a long time
I'm listening to this week's, I don't know
I don't know, well if we are
Joe are we in trouble? I don't think you're in trouble, let's see
I have been thinking about writing to you
for a long time, I'm listening to this week's bonus
episode on the poor woman who kept
calling herself a piece of shit
I had to write in this week as I have on the poor woman who kept calling herself a piece of shit.
I had to write in this week as I have been the wife
who was cheated on.
Oh.
Although I used to be annoyed
at the woman
who had an affair
with my husband,
ultimately,
he was the one
who was married
in that situation
and so the blame lies with him,
not his mistress.
That's actually very grown up.
I mean,
it's hard when
you're emotionally involved in a situation
to be, to make, kind of
to be rational about things.
Yeah. I think.
I have no doubt my husband was telling this woman
that we were no longer really in a relationship
and he was staying for the sake of the
kids. Oh God, there was kids.
Oh, this couldn't be further
from the truth.
If the man this lady is seeing has not yet left his wife,
I believe he does not really intend on doing so.
Agree?
Yeah.
Leaving a marriage is hard,
but so is sneaking around and covering up an affair.
The man is looking to have his cake and eat it.
You said that, Joanne?
I did.
The woman who wrote in deserves so much better
than a man who will cheat
on his wife.
As my mom always says,
when a man marries his mistress,
a vacancy opens.
Oh, whoa.
Oh my God,
that gave me shivers.
Indeed.
The classic.
Oh, goodness.
He'll leave you as he finds you
is another one.
He'll leave you as he finds you.
Yeah, God.
Anyway,
that's given me goosebumps.
Anyway, the reason I was going to write in for so long was because I am now happily separated. if he was he finds him yeah god anyway that's given me goosebumps anyway
the reason I was going
to write in for so long
was because
I am now happily separated
I have
oh I like that
I have my final hearing
for my divorce next month
and will be celebrating
my divorce
by going to see
ah
MTGM
in the three arena
on the 30th of November
ah
that's lovely
that's really nice
normally your stories
about divorced women
end by the woman
saying they have
met someone new
and are living
their best life
I am separated
three and a half years now
and have not met
anyone else
but I'm living
my best life
I love her Joanne
yeah a partner
is not a happy ending
I agree
you have to be happy
within yourself
before you meet
somebody else
to add to your happiness
or you don't even need
to meet someone else
Anne Hathaway
my good friend
speaking of Anne Hathaway
which no one brought up but me
now this is
I think she is married
with kids
but park all that
I watched her
yeah she is
she is yeah
but let's just talk about her she is she is but that's just
what about her anyway
but she
I loved her
in the princess diaries
she
she
I saw an interview
a snippet on
TikTok
where I live
and
she was talking about
remember everyone
went really
anti-Anne
for a while
like everyone just hated Anne Hathaway do you remember that she got all this bile she was talking about, remember everyone went really anti-Anne for a while.
Like,
everyone just hated Anne Hathaway.
Do you remember that
she got all this vile
and just,
she was just vilified
and everyone was saying
she was a,
like,
she was a real kind of
earnest asshole
and no one liked her
and she was getting
trailed all the time.
And she was talking
about that time.
I think she'd just done
La Miserable
and everyone was like,
oh,
look at her crying again.
She was always
she just comes across
as quite a
anyway
she said
she had to go and do
loads of therapy
because
the person that they
were telling her she was
she believed them
and she was like
if and when this
pile on ever happens again
I want to be
I want to love myself
so much
that no one
can tell me anything
I won't believe anything anything. I won't believe anything
bad anyone says
about me because I'm going to love
myself so much.
Mental robustness. That's
what we all are aiming towards. So you're just
bulletproof. As bulletproof as you can be.
I don't know why this is in relation to this woman.
I think it's that.
Do you know what I mean?
Yourself, yourself, yourself, yourself, yourself. First, first, first, first, first. I actually really like that I think it's No I just love Do you know what I mean Yeah I really Yourself yourself Yourself yourself
First first first
I actually really like that
And people will always
Say shit
And talk shit
And you'll always hear shit
And just ignore it
Like
Honestly
That shit used to get to me as well
When I'd see stuff written
And now I'm like literally
I'm just like
You've no idea what kind of person I am
I had somebody mail me
People mail me
Just random shit
Someone
Oh look at the state of
Otto's
teeth because of
his soother
like don't
I know don't
bother listening to
what anyone else
says and PS
he will be getting
braces don't worry
about that
I will deal with
that when he's 14
thank you
thank you goodnight
but I understand
what you mean
about Anne Hathaway
and I actually
really like that
I love it too
do you know what I'm getting into and again this is about Anne Hathaway and I actually really like that. I love it too.
Do you know what I'm getting into?
And again,
this is maybe nothing to do
with this email
but it's just
it's coming out anyway.
I'm getting into philosophy
at the moment.
When I say getting into philosophy
I follow a philosophy
TikTok account.
Joanne, I'm sorry
you're going to have to
take out your phone.
I need to know the screen time
on TikTok.
I have to know what the screen time is because this is like outrageous.
I'm into philosophy now, okay?
So I'm just like the odd philosophical.
She's doing a philosophy course.
I'm doing a philosophy course on TikTok that comes in three word memes.
May I remind you what your last philosophical question was on this podcast?
Was about riding the horse remind you yes it was
one of the best questions the universe has ever asked us someone I read a quote I don't know who
it's from I haven't I haven't really got big into the names of the philosophers I just like the
words and he says um if you don't want criticism, do nothing, be nothing.
Say nothing.
Yeah.
And I was like, it's so true.
It really rang a bell with me because obviously in life we get criticized.
And you're like, well, hold on.
I'm just fucking trying to have a career and do something I enjoy and do something I love so I'd rather do that and take the shit than have no shit
and not be doing
what I absolutely love to do
so
shit on me all you want
oh
let's email this woman back
we should meet her
I think that we should meet her
at the
MTGM show
before we go on stage
I think that you should come
and say hello to us
and we'll toast your divorce
with you
let's have a glass of champagne
before
we'll open
we'll open the fancy champagne for you and we think that your divorce with you. Let's have a glass of champagne before. We'll open the fancy champagne
for you
and we think that you are amazing.
But I like hearing that
I'm separated three and a half years
and I haven't met anyone else
but I'm living my best life.
And you have kids
and that makes me
just feel so happy.
Yeah.
As a fellow divorcee.
So will you get in touch with Jo
if you want to meet us?
I mean, you don't have to.
I mean, imagine if she didn't write back.
Imagine if she just blocked us.
What I would say as well is,
what am I trying to say?
I know, do you know what?
I know, I have known a person
in every situation in this situation.
Yeah.
And it's, do you get what I I mean I've known a woman whose husband
has had an affair I've known a woman who's had an affair I've known a man who has had an affair
blah blah do you know what I mean I also know a woman women who've had affairs well they were
married if you get me and it's always an absolute shit show yeah whatever angle it's a shit show and i think that
sometimes there's a lot of hate goes towards the other woman in inverted commas because and we're
talking like this is a very hetero synopsis but let's just i just have to keep going that it went
it's very easy it's easier to hate the other woman because your feelings for your partner are so
complicated and you and they probably are still in love with them that it's and to hate the other woman Because your feelings for your partner Are so complicated And they probably are still in love with them
And the hate has to go somewhere
So it goes to the other person
And that's just what happens
I'll be honest
So I think this is very
This is very fucking fair play to this woman
This is very grown up
But like having been cheated on
I hate
I kind of
I still like
I hate both of them
Yeah
Because they're both arseholes
They are both arseholes
One is a bigger arsehole
Everyone's an arsehole
But they're
Except us
Everyone is an arsehole
Except Anon
Anon is not an arsehole in this
Everyone's an
Everyone has
Everyone has arsehole in them
It's like
I was watching this show
And they're like
Everyone has an arsehole
Wow
I was trying to do something nice
You knew where she was going to take it You knew where she was going to take it.
You knew where she was going to do it.
Look at her when she tries to be annoyed
when she's got a hoodie on, sunglasses on.
It's like I haven't seen you until now.
I can't work in these conditions.
I'm into philosophy now Vogue Okay
Aristotle
Gemma Collins
The big pinkers
You should take a photo of me
I didn't consent to that
I have to show the listener
To go back the other way I think the quote was from Albert Hubbard.
That's who you were quoting.
Who?
Albert Hubbard.
Albert Hubbard.
God, I don't, that name does not ring a bell.
What was the quote exactly, Jo?
It is...
Why is she still laughing?
Look at her
She's so professional
There's only one way
To avoid criticism
Do nothing
Say nothing
And be nothing
That's it
Do nothing
Say nothing
Be nothing
That's the only way
You avoid criticism
Yeah
Or you could also
Just not give a shit
Like Svenny
Or just
Yeah
Shout out Arshael
No actually
You're not getting criticism
That's That's That was my Philosophical lesson The other day we're just yeah shout out RSL no actually you're not getting criticism that's
that's
that was my
philosophical lesson
the other day
I said wow
and I'm just gonna live
by that name
but if this woman
if you're right
if you're coming to the show
DM Jo
and come backstage
for a little
for a drink
if you want to
you don't have to obviously
because I know Joanne's a bit
well you do have
no you do have to now
you do have to now
we've
we've invited you
it'd be rude not to come we've made a plan stick to now. You do have to now. We've invited you. It'd be rude not to come.
We've made a plan.
Stick to it.
Okay?
Okay, do we have time for one more?
Or we'll turn up to your house.
Hide outside in the bushes.
In our golden jumpsuits.
Mic'd, ready to go and drag you backstage.
That's it for this week.
We'll see you Friday for the main. Thank you.