My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "Who Gives Bran Flakes To A One Night Stand?"

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

Come and get some EXTRA! This week, the emails tackle orbiting, "sign off" lines, thigh embarrassment and the reason why only ONE tanning brand will do (and it's not even an ad!!)If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comFinally... My Therapist Ghosted Me (and Joanne!) are shortlisted for a National Comedy Award!! Please vote here: https://www.thenationalcomedyawards.com/Thank you!

hello and welcome to an extra helping of my therapist ghosted me with me vogue williams and my bestie joanne mcnally remember that these extra episodes are all about you so we need your emails into hello at mtgmpod.com so that we can advise yeah terrible advice usually tell us about your dick moves, Deb stories. What was that thing called again? Anyone give you the ick? I quite like that.

Spoofers. Any spoofers. Or splurge your embarrassing stories into an email and we can use it like therapy. Yeah. We're all deranged. I need your advice.

My boyfriend dumped me back in October. What's the date now? He was a bit of a dick. He's been in touch basically every day being super nice. Fuck off. Classic dick move. My family, friends, counsellor and psychic

have all told me to let go, but I just don't know. Wouldn't it be super romantic to win him back, make him love me, fix him and then live happily ever after? Please don't say my name because I'd be absolutely mortified. I don't think you should be wanting to win him back.

He should be desperate to get back with you, if you ask me. Hold on, why? If he dumped her, why is he in touch with her every day? That makes no sense. Because he's just, I feel like he's just holding on to you

because the grass might not have been as green as he thought it was going to be. So he's waiting, he's just, I feel like he's just holding on to you because the grass might not have been as green as he thought it was going to be. So he's waiting to see if he gets anyone else. And I'd be worried that he would just like, I don't think that he's, you can make anyone love you either, sadly. He's orbiting, they call it orbiting or breadcrumbing

where people give you enough. I had this with this guy for years. There are souls though. Who I was obsessed with. And I think he knew I was, I think they know, you know. And he never obviously wanted to go out with me, but he kind of kept me there. He gave me enough

rope to keep me interested in him so that I was, I couldn't really meet anyone else because I had this weird. They like to store you. Yeah. Until they find someone else. I was being stored. You don't want to be stored and I was never taken out of the cupboard really I was just left on the shelf where I still sit today

yeah but you're not left on the shelf excuse me you're having a great time with yourself I just don't think that you should be trying to make someone love you because it doesn't work because you need to do you know what I learnt this right when I went through a really bad breakup I learnt to spend six months on my own

turned into eight months or anything and I hated it at the start and then I loved it and I was like actually I'm better off being on my own than being with you

you wanker 100% because I know who you're talking about and that is a fair comment yeah what I would say is I understand the need to win someone back

because when someone rejects you you think it makes you feel like you're not good enough. So then, it's your pride is saying. Apparently, rejection ultimately hurts

because back in the day, if you were rejected, it meant you'd die in the jungle. Do you remember? We've discussed that before. Yeah. So you want to win him back because it makes you feel

like you're worthwhile again. But ultimately, if he's done it once, he'll do it again. As someone who was on the receiving end of a man who dumped me multiple times and then kept in contact with me the whole time,

I ended up having to see a psychiatrist. Yeah, well, she's got them all on the go. She's got a sidekick and everything. Run, Anon, run. Run away from that arsehole. Also, hold on a second. If he dumped you, he shouldn't be able to contact you. I know, yeah, but see,

this is how she's got to get the power back. Joanne and I have been talking about the power. When you have the power, you've got the power. And you know what we're saying. So if he's texting you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you keep writing back, you are giving away your power. Stop responding to him, and he will not know what to do with himself. And he'll change everything he's doing.

And he'll probably try and win you back. And then you'll be like, actually, do you know what, dude? No thanks. Get your power back. You'll break him I think we've pretty much offered every angle there and

my main one is if someone breaks up with you get out of my inbox you're really good at that though I'm more of a go backer for ages oh well I did the go backing thing for ages

and every time I went back they call it the long goodbye every time I went back I lost a bit more of my power because he was like, this bird, I can do anything to her and she's going to keep crawling back.

And the best, the best form of revenge is success. Yeah, or shagging their dad. Or shagging their dad. Yeah. Or steal their dog. Hi girls.

Since you started the podcast, you've occasionally returned to the topic of one night stands. Joanne, the fella you called driving you home an unprecedented act of chivalry got me thinking about

some of the goodbyes me and my mates have had on various worldly escapades. One of my friends at work went home with a guy at the office Christmas party a couple of years ago. It was a Friday night

so she woke up at his on the Saturday morning. Fair. After awkward cups of coffee and a bowl of bran flakes, who the fuck gives bran flakes To a one night stand Fair question

That's disgusting Do you know they're the most sugary Of all those cereals Yeah I kind of like them Because they taste like cardboard They're hiding behind Yeah they're like those

Belvedere Remember we were talking about The special K diet The special K diet The special K diet It was huge in the 90s They're like Basically eat nothing Three bowls of special K a day Which has the nutritional value Of a in the 90s they're like basically eat nothing

three bowls of Special K a day which has the nutritional value of a Tic Tac and they're like just survive on that and we were like okay this seems healthy and fair I used to bring in a dry bag

of Special K to school it's literally like eating sugar yeah no anyway okay so we're at the Brian Flakes she got ready to go and he said to her can I just ask

are you the one who leaves dirty plates in the kitchenette on the second floor? Oh my God. Imagine seducing a woman to pull her up on her office etiquette.

That's so funny. He sounds like a man after my own heart. Yeah, that's totally something you would do, Vogue. You'd be vacuum packing and putting them away for winter.

She goes on to say, in my own experience, it was last year and the bit after lockdown where people started riding like it was on half price. I went home with a guy I knew through other friends

and in the morning when I left, terrible ride by the way, he said, never doubt yourself. I hadn't said anything about doubting myself at any point

what the fuck did he mean by that whatever onwards Beamer that's what sometimes

I wonder what goes through their heads never doubt yourself I'll tell you what that's like something you'd read on the back of a matchbox there's not a hope in hell

I'd be first of all letting them stay the night and then having a bowl of brown fakes the next day no way I'd be gone out of there yeah gone

we've discussed this before I stay I do not I'm not a stayer I'm out of there as quickly as possible if the heating's on I could be there for months

yeah if it's cozy enough, she'll stay. Yeah, if the fire's gone, turn the heat off. I remember somebody tried to get me to go home with him for a one night stand. Oh my gosh. And his line was at two in the morning,

we'll go home and we'll light the fire. I thought, no thanks. Fucking home and light the fire. The fact can't even get it across the line. I'd be like, yeah, let's go home and light the fire. That sounds gorgeous. No, I wanted to go home and go the fire. The fact can't even get it across the line. I'd be like, yeah, let's go home and light the fire. That sounds gorgeous. No, I wanted to go home and go to bed. I didn't want to wake up there.

Dear Vogue and Joanne, in a recent pod you sent me into a full blackout triggered shame spiral. When I remembered something I hadn't thought about in years, I cringed so hard I nearly turned inside out. Joanne, you mentioned the love triangle involving

Damon Albarn and the love fights on the inside of a woman's thigh. Even typing the words now, my hands are clenched into dinosaur claws because I can't deal with it. It's the PTSD. It's the worst. I was 17 and my mum and dad were begging me to come on what was likely

to be one last big family holiday. I wasn't arsed for a few years by now and the idea of going on holidays with my parents and two younger brothers was desperate. That aside, it was eight days in Lanzarote and I wasn't going to be a dick about it. I had a boyfriend who my dad 100% hated. The night before Lanzarote, I went around to my

boyfriend's house, his mum was usually at work or didn't care anyway, for a quick goodbye session. It was only once we were all out on holidays, I realised that he'd left hickeys on my thighs. Three massive dark red patches. There was no way I could wear a bikini or anything. So I had to go to the hotel gift shop and buy a shitty pair of boys' swim shorts. They had pictures of turtles on them.

Awful. I wore them for the whole holiday so no one would see. My mother kept on about why I wouldn't get out of the shorts and to this day she makes comments about my body issues and not getting my legs out. Love the part.

I didn't know where that, I thought that was going to be way worse. That's grand. I do that when I'm just not arsed waxing. Oh, I know. Do you remember though? You're like only wearing cycling shorts in Lanzarote.

Thank you. Do you remember though? You're like only wearing cycling shorts in Lanzarote. Thank you. Do you remember hiding shit from your parents? I remember I wasn't allowed to get my hair dyed. Like that's how strict my parents were. And I was going around

with a bandana permanently on my head. And then like we bumped into, my mom bumped into one of her friends, Brown Thomas. And she was like, oh, I saw you at the hairdresser

the other day, Vogue. And I was like, shut the fuck up. She wouldn't let you get your hair dyed wouldn't even let me get my hair dyed now

pull the banana off and there it was stripes in my hair was she right she was right so naughty

like remember the stripes the big disgusting I want really thick blonde stripes stripes please I have them now no you don't

I do Katie and Larry King gave me two big blonde strips at the I always get I'm getting my hair done tonight yes yeah because I mean

it's not like it's bad enough a love bite on the neck is bad enough but a love bite on the inner thigh oh no I couldn't hey daddy

no no no oh horrific no you'd rather say you're like I've got syphilis

it's travelling down it's probably less embarrassing No! No. Oh, horrific. No. God. You'd rather say, you're like, I've got syphilis, it's travelling down. It's probably less embarrassing. So a couple of weeks ago, we spoke to Amy and she told us a spectacular story about Kim K. This week, Annie is on the phone and she told us a spectacular story about Kim K. This week, Annie is on the phone and she's got a story about what happens when you don't tan with Bare Boy Vogue.

Hello, Annie. Did Vogue set this up? She's just turned our extra episode into a sponsored ad. Annie, don't forget to text me your address, OK? Please, I'd love some freebies. I will definitely give you freebies. Tell us, what's your story then?

Okay, so my boyfriend and I, we were house-sitting last month at his parents' place. Feeling like a queen Monday morning, go for a run before work, you know, sweat out the weekend tins and all that.

Yeah. And then post-shower, I thought, set myself up for a really good week, check on some fake tan. Yeah. you know sweat out the weekend sins and all that yeah yeah and then post shower i thought set myself up for a really good week check on some fake tan yeah yeah but uh the only long mirror is in his parents bedroom to be honest i didn't really think much of it walked in like a moron into their white pristine carpeted room ready naked to fake tan you can probably guess where this is going but long story short, whole bottle of Saint-Tropez mousse

all over the floor. No! Yeah, I know. That is karma for not using Bare by Vogue, right? That is not where I thought that was going, Annie.

I thought you were going to be like bent over putting on fake tan and his dad walked in or something. I'd rather be naked in front of his dad than spill that

on their white carpet. Yeah. That's why when I go to Vogue, she puts down all this like plastic yeah just in general joanne gets a plastic cup and plastic stuff to walk around on yeah like i'm drinking out of a tp cup and walking around on like plastic sheets and honey come here what's it so what happened then what did you say to the parents that's awful you can't get that out can you not well I know that now they're away for the week

so I'm not worried about them spotting me walking in on me or anything but obviously I'm like shit I've got to clear up this mess I'm like full on sweating dabbing the carpets

on all floors obviously I'm still naked at this point when my boyfriend comes in by the way this is like a working day so he's at work I should be at work

he pauses his team speech and comes in and obviously sees what's happened and is like I'm a fucking idiot very unsympathetically just leaves the only thing this sounds like He pauses his team's meeting, comes in and obviously sees what's happened and is like, I'm a fucking idiot. Very unsympathetically,

he just leaves. The only thing, this sounds like, this sounds like a really disappointing porno. Oh, I mean, yeah, me on all fours, him and the team's meeting pretty much.

And then he leaves. Like, it's just the biggest anti-climax ever. I'm ready. It's like porno for men with impotency issues. He's like, he just leaves. He's like,

there's nothing I can do here. I'm out. Actually, you're a fucking there's nothing I can do here. I'm out. Actually, you're a fucking idiot. Nothing I can do. See you later. But I literally try everything to clean it, okay? Buy every single carpet cleaning brand from Tesco's. I rent a back Hoover.

And then I even call in like a professional carpet cleaning company. Obviously, as Vogue well knows, I was fucked. There's no way that was coming out. What? I spent the whole day doing it. obviously as vogue well-made i was fucked there's no way that was coming out what and i spent the whole day doing it scrubbing the carpet get liaising with all these men to come in and clean the carpets no good so i'm like okay carpet looks awful what am i going to do do i let them come home from their holiday a lovely holiday week off and then it's like

all there are my white carpets ruined or do i like preempt it and tell them which is what i decide to do not sure if that was the best shout but anyway you should have brought them a nice rug do you know what

I'm going to give you some mom advice here don't ever try and get rid of the stain yourself you've got to get the carpet cleaners in because once you use something else

they cannot fix it for you I know that now I would just shut down all your social media accounts and start a new life get a new boyfriend get a new boyfriend abort Get a new boyfriend. Abort the whole thing.

Send them this grovelling message, right? Like, I'm sorry. I know the marriage is off. Again, I can't marry your son. Carpets and fucks. Grovelling, okay? Send them a couple of photos of the stay and get some wide angles

so that it doesn't look as bad as it is. Anyway, send this message. It gets completely ignored. At this point, I'm like genuinely posting that the wedding, by the way, I'm not engaged, but in my dreams, is off. Okay, 11 p.m. I get this message from his brother on the family group chat. He's like, he sent me this message.

Annie, check mirror Ari carpet gate. My heart literally fucking drops. I look back at this message and I've sent them a full nude. No! By the way, my boyfriend's parents are 65 and I sent it on iMessage so I can't delete it. I literally ruined their carpets,

scarred them polite, absolutely fucking shook it. Oh my God. There's just no coming back from that. You're going to have, you have to leave. Yeah, it's over, Annie. Like it's,

there's no fixing that. Now the stain is the least of your worries, to be honest. They've got a picture of your fanny. Get out! It's too much.

It's like when, did you tell the story about your brother walking in on Spencer and you? No, no, yeah, I've told that story. I don't want to relive it

ever again. Okay, fine. Do you know what I, when my brother walked in on Spencer and I doing things that like married couples do, it was probably one of the worst moments of my life. It's the eye contact for me. It was the eye contact.

He made eye contact with Spencer. And you know what? The other night, he doesn't come anywhere near my room anymore, which is nice. Yeah, fair enough. So don't worry. Genuinely.

They actually do pass over. I can kind of look my brother in the eye now. Not really, but like, it's only been six months, so I suppose I'll have to wait another six. Legit. Like, in this nude, I look like a complete boy, like a 12-year-old boy, a hundred pack of Notre Dame. It's just awful.

Well, his dad needs to get it off his phone or he could end up going to prison. If that, like, his phone gets hacked, if he looks like he's got, like, underage lads on his phone, naked. 14? Imagine the story ends with his dad

doing hard time for, like, having child pornography on his phone. And he, like, you need to fix this. Jesus Christ. That took a turn. Joanne just made it a lot worse for you. Yeah.

I think it's good. I think it's good. I think it's good to look at worst case scenario. Do you know what I mean? No one's going to prison. Oh no, there's nothing worse. That's horrible.

I just, oh no. Annie, I'd like to help you, but you know what? That's what you get for using Santa Peque. It's karma, bitch. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, there we have it. That is it from an extra helping of My Therapist Goes With Me. So definitely do keep sending your emails to hello at mtgmpod.com. We'll be back with a full episode on Friday. Goodbye. you