My Therapist Ghosted Me - Rap Embarrassment, Jon Bon Jovi & The Olympics

Episode Date: August 2, 2024

It's an outrageous one this week. Liam Gallagher, Kim Cattrall, Russell Crowe, Jon Bon Jovi and a couple of Olympians who've made Ireland proud. Plus, adoption, aliens, wax works & 5K a day. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello again and welcome to this week's My Therapist Goated Me with myself Joanne McNally and myself Vogue Williams. Blonde bombshell, home from Spain, tiny dick Vogue Williams. Blonde bombshell, home from Spain, tiny dick, Vogue Williams. And before we begin, we would just like to remind people that we will be taking Ghosted Live to Boston, New York and Toronto on the 10th, 11th, 12th of October and all the tickets are available

on mytherapistghostedme.com. And I got my visa approved, so I will definitely be there. Well, that's a relief. Yeah. Anyway, will I tell you something weird about my boobs? Always. So because I breastfed three kids and if I squeeze, I'll try now, if I squeeze real hard, don't look Jo, if I squeeze real hard a bit of milk comes out. I swear. Wait. Oh no. Have they

dried up? What? Oh wait. Yeah. A little bit. I'll show you. It is a very hot day. It could be dry. I squeeze real hard. Don't, don't mansplain breastfeeding to us, Jo. We get them. When it gets hot, our boobs turn to raisins. Have you ever seen a woman's breasts in the heat? They go shriveled. I thought Jo was going to say maybe it's so hot, maybe it's a bit of ice cream that you kind of fell into earlier and that's you think you're kind of lactating it, but it's actually I find, I mean, look, I don't, I don't know. A woman's body is a mysterious and wonderful thing.

But I'm not being bad, but like going on the size of your breasts, where is it coming from? Is it being stored in your pancreas? It's probably stored under the armpit or maybe deep in the stomach. Maybe it's actually stomach juice coming up through my boobs. Delish. Yeah. Well, there you go. Gorgeous. I love it. Couldn't say that now if I was single I love it. Couldn't say that now

if I was single, could I? Couldn't say that. Well, a lot of men I'd say would like to be breastfed if they knew that they were going to get something out of it. Otherwise they're kind of wasting their time, aren't they? We had that chat about that breastfeeding documentary and I just think it's so wrong. I know it's like, I guess actually no, we shouldn't kink shame because it's a kink. But like what though? If someone like sat, if Spenny jumped on my lap and started saying feed me, I'd drop dead and die. I mean, I know we're very, we're trying to be very diplomatic and all and we, um, saying we're not kink shaming, but like I'm not breastfeeding a lot. I'll say that. I'm not breastfeeding

anyone. You know, and their own. Each, you never know, I reckon you, if I gave you enough drinks, I could latch on. 100%. Yeah, that would go two ways. One, I think it was hilarious that I'd probably try and go Insta live or two, I'd be so much in a blackout, I wouldn't notice and you'd be taking advantage of me. Just suckling away without my consent. I hate that word suckling. Oh God no. I kind of like it. It's not a bit sexy suckling.

No, suckling is not sexy. I remember Amber used to breastfeed Shane me the odd time, like when the kids were like nine, 10 months old, she'd be like, for fuck's sake, Vogue, enough is enough. It's weird now. I'd be like, oh, okay. Amber's got it. That's all kind of her childhood and Sandra, you know what I mean? That she's like projecting. Well, we see how many things we can blame Sandra for on the spot. I'm in the mood for that. I just mean from what I gather from your family dynamics, you were probably breastfed six

times a day and Amber was potentially just given a spoon and sent into the garden to fend for herself. My mother didn't breastfeed myself or Amber and it shows. Okay. We are both the most insane of the family. But you have great teeth, which I would have assumed came from getting calcium through the nipple as a child. No. Is that not what builds the teeth? I have no idea. Cause we used to be allowed to have fizzy drinks from when we were like nine. We were allowed to have as many fizzy drinks as we so wished. It was the 80s.

So when I arrived, I was only writing about this the other day. When I, because I was adopted obviously, so when I arrived at this pamphlet, you're given, you arrived with this pamphlet about how to feed you because you're already in a feeding system. Do you know what I mean? And do you know what my main source of food was? My main form of sustenance? Spoons of castor sugar.

Oh my god. My main source of food was my main form of sustenance. Spoons of castor sugar. Oh, God. Now I don't know if that- You put in spoons of sugar? Spoons of sugar. I don't know what they under- Were you with the nuns or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that makes sense.

Or they felt sorry for me because I'd been abandoned. They're like, fuck her, give her a sweet treat. I don't know, but I arrived and it was a spoonful of sugar in the morning and a spoonful. Now, obviously I'll have to memory check this because my mother's always saying that I create memories. I feel like you might be taking someone else's memory again.

Oh my God, was it Oliver Twist? What have I done? It could be. Was I watching Oliver? Was I not pickpocketing? Was that not me? On the sake of Dublin's? Was that not me pickpocketing in town? No. To survive. I've done it again. I don't even know any Oliver Twist songs. I didn't really watch movies. What? No, I didn't watch that. You've got to pick a pocket or two. Oh, I know that song. Yeah, there you go. Well, that's a classic. That's the only one. That's the only one as far as I know. If I, do you know what? Otto has started singing non stop. He wakes up in the morning, he sings it, he goes to bed, he's singing

it and I have not stopped singing it for the last two weeks. Can we gas? And then he goes, I'm a man. He can get a few of the letters, but he obviously doesn't know what he's saying. He could sing the whole alphabet. You should hack them. What word is that? You should hack them. Start throwing shit at them and all. Like do better!

Like that. Stop embarrassing us. Jesus, we're in public for God's sake. Wait till they start playing the recorder. Do you remember? Oh my God. I do think there's... I was never, I wasn't a recorder girl. I've actually had this conversation with Spen on the podcast and you won't believe it. Did you just miss

your mouth? Yeah, I completely missed my mouth and you just said missed instead of missed. Did you just miss your mouth? Yeah, I was just very confused. I never missed my mouth because the sheer size. I was just trying to turn Joe on. Did you see that? All the way down my top. I'd say we couldn't turn Joe on if we tried our absolute hardest. No. He's so repulsed by us. With three years at this now. I'd say if I whipped out a tooth he'd just get sick in his mouth and he'd have to shut

off his computer. I'd say he'd rather see his mother's breasts than mine at this stage. Guarantee it. Guarantee it. She'd have more chance getting it up for your mother than me. I wonder if he'll leave that in. Your mother'd love it. It was like that email that we got off a listener about that guy who wanted basically someone like his mother and we just wanted to hold that girl naked. Remember? I mean, we're complicated animals. There's a lot of Freudian shit going on. Do you know? There's a lot going on behind closed doors. Isn't there a lot of parental role play? That's

what I'm, that's what I find. Do you know adopted kids, Tread carefully. I don't know if I should buy my hat or not. Well, when they meet their biological parents, they sometimes fall in love with them. Where do you think you got that information from? Me telling you.

Not you. It was me. I knew this before I knew you. No, you did not. I've told you this on the podcast. I'm a treasure trove of knowledge. I know it. This is like, this is,

you've regurgitated my stories to me and I told you that when I went to Australia, met my father and went down on him. And I came home confused. And that's how you know that. That's how you know that. And then we all had to look into it and it was a whole thing. And there were not in touch with it. The laws are different in Australia. It's fine to do that over there. I think it's fine.

Yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't an issue until I landed in Dublin. Then I was like, Oh, hold on a second. That was wrong. That was the right thing to do actually. I mean I do feel closer to him but. I hope he never listens to this podcast. Come on Daddy, he knows I'm joking. That's a real dirty rumour now to be spreading about yourself. It is isn't it? I'm due a rumour, come on. I'm doing, I don't want rumours. I'm having a year off rum on. I'm doing, I don't want rumors. I'm having a year off rumors. I'll take the heat. I want to hear just, just give me this year. Next year, fire them up

again. I'm ready. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The rumor mill. We'll get the rumor mill going again. January 20, 25. They'll be like, okay, what can she take? Give me a rumor around Eminem because sometimes if you start a rumor, then Eminem might see the comments and the papers about me having slept and be like, I didn't sleep with her. And then he'll see me and be like, I do want to sleep with her. She's a big fan and then I'll sleep with him. Spencer said I could. He'll know you exist. We just need to get him on your, you get you on his radar by hook or by crook. Yeah, exactly. Did you see in the paper, I mean, I say the

paper, I obviously mean TikTok, that Eminem, it said Eminem did an AI interview with somebody at, with himself, with himself, talking to his younger self and said the machine gun Kelly wrote his mum. Is that a joke? He's saying Machine Gun Kelly rode his mother. Joe, can we fact check that please? Yeah, but Eminem slagged his mother off so it wouldn't be a compliment or insult to him. I don't think it was a comp- I didn't- if it's true, it was like he was calling out Machine Gun Kelly for riding his mum. I don't think he was like, hey you guys. He wasn't like-

I think Machine Gun Kelly would only have been born. Like Machine Gun Kelly's what, like 28 or something? Is he not? So was it a joke that I just didn't understand? He was kind of smack talking as they'd say. Yeah, I love when they do that to each other. It's my favorite. I am so obsessed with rap music. I actually have created a new playlist on Spotify if anyone wants to see it. All rap music. But I was in the gym when I was away. I love that. Is D a leaper on it? Would you? Yeah, sure she is. I love her.

But I was listening to it in the gym and I was listening to Cypress Hill and I hadn't heard it in so long that I was like rapping along to Cypress Hill. And then this woman, this little sneaky woman who was around on a machine just walked out and I didn't even see her there because I had the headphones in. So I was just standing there rapping to Cypress Hill. I felt really, does that ever happen to you? It's just really embarrassing. Oh, she saw you rapping to yourself. She heard me rapping to myself in the gym because I thought I had the gym to myself.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that, well, I haven't, I wouldn't be a big rapper now, but, or a big- Yeah, you'd know then. Insane in the membrane. Oh no, no, no, I know. I just, I mean, I haven't been caught rapping to myself, but I do, I've obviously several times, I've like just blurted stuff out to myself but I do, I've obviously several times I've like just blurted stuff out to myself and then had to pretend I was on an AirPod phone conversation.

Are we live? Are we going? Are we on? We're live. Oh sorry I'll remove my chewing gum, Joe please. Oh yes, sorry. I don't wish to masticate. I have to bring something up. Oh Jesus. Okay, so I, because you follow really embarrassing Instagram pages that I saw the other day, the Ohio ones, this is just reminding me of it. One of the Instagram pages that you follow is finding hit songs,

post the biggest and most current songs. What's wrong? What's wrong? I'm just trying to educate myself. I love it. They post the videos of these really cool songs and then you're like, oh, yeah, I remember that song. Sorry, sorry, I can have interests as well, you know. One of them that I wasn't so shocked by, Sex and the City Daily quotes from the show every day. Every day.

And that's not enough, actually. I need to find other accounts, one that does morning, one that does afternoon and one that does night. Do you know that there was a vicious rumor going around that Kim Cattrall was coming back to the show and I bought it. She did come back. No, she's not going back. She was on a phone call.

Oh no, no, no, sorry. But they're making a new series and there was. I love it now. I thought the world had kind of healed itself. I really thought we'd come full circle. Alas, we have not. That disappoints me. I don't think. Well, anyway, I want to talk more about your things. So men's motivation motivates men to be the best they can be. Why do you need that? Why do you need to look at that page? Because I like to keep myself motivated and the men who are motivating on that page are

quite attractive. There was one that I did like that you followed, the meanings. A different word every day and it's meaning. I'm going to follow that. Yeah. That's fun. That is fun. I mean, I didn't know I followed that, but yeah, I've obviously never looked at it since, but yeah.

You can't possibly see everything you follow because it can't come up. No. You follow the London Basin company, but I think I do follow that myself. Oh, they're gorgeous. They're gorgeous sinks and taps. They're beautiful, like really. Yeah, I follow that myself. I turned 40, woke up and started following an Insta page dedicated to sinks and taps

because that's what happens. That's what middle age is. It's soft furnishings. Soon you'll find yourself on the Neela website. Is that the most embarrassing part? Do you know what's so funny? I remember when I was going out this year years ago and this was back when you could really investigate on Insta and it used to show you like who they it would if you went into your explore page it would show you what they'd

liked and stuff before I think they realized that there was like there was marriages ending over it and stuff so they had to they took that setting away. Oh did they get rid of it? Yeah you can't see what other people like now like if I saw if I was like scrolling through and saw Joe put up a photo, I'd obviously see your heart on it, but I can't go through my feed and just see all the photos that Vogue has liked today. But anyway, because I spent my whole time on it because I knew he was up to no good. So I was just looking at all these, you know, tits and ass he was liking and it was anyway horrible. I forgot why I was like, oh yeah. I remember. But the pages like, I was like doing it.

Do you know when you know something's off? So I was trying to just investigate it and just making myself really sad by confirming what I already knew. Oh no, no, no. But the pages he was following, like if music of the day is the most embarrassing one, I found this stuff he was following.

I was like, you dark, dark bastard. And do you not know that we can all see this? Can you? I don't what you mean? Oh, cause go into their followers. That's what's good. Spaniard spelling. He's spending on who follows me, follows me and like his businesses. He's smart. That man is smart. Yeah. Like Barry Kiyo. Cause yeah, I've seen his little explore page. I mean, there's a few watches on there, but there's also a few. Well, he's not a eunuch. Is he?

When he looks at mine, mine's only animals. I know, but we're not, we're not like totally solely wired to fucking mate. Like those. Mine is literally animals. Do you know what? Mine's animals and hot girls as well. So you know I don't think you're pigs. I love, oh man, sadly, all of them. Every single one apparently. I wanted to tell you about something. So I don't know if you've noticed, but I have started

running my 5k a day. Yes! After three days, 5k a day. Yes! I felt Sue should be shit about myself looking at your stories. Thank you. Can I just tell you, as a shit runner, and I am not a good runner. Two years ago, I couldn't even run for two minutes without stopping like actually two minutes because I used to try and time two minutes and be like, right, keep going, keep going, keep going. And I wasn't even able to do that. And now I'm doing five K a day. And that's amazing. Good. It's for charity for, um, for global's make some noise charity because

Spenny's doing 30 marathons in 30 days. I'm doing 35 Ks a day. That's my marathon. That's it. But that's amazing. That's huge. Especially in that heat. I know in Spain. Yeah. But he texts me and he's like, well done on your five K babe. And I'm like, okay, like stop being condescending. Yeah. I know you've just run a marathon. Don't bother. It's like a digital pat on the head. You're like on grand, actually. I've got three kids and I've birthed them all. So yeah, and it's a pity.

It's a pity. Like anyway, fair play to you. I was doing some training on the common earlier with my trainer, Olivia, and we did a couple of squats and a couple of sprints. And I was absolutely dead in that heat. It's really, yeah, it's really hot. But it's like a dead heat over here. But can I say I'm absolutely thrilled to be home, you know, when you get home and you're just like, you're just so happy to be home.

Home is so nice. It did feel like you'd kind of moved away. Like I've met some women on the common because the weather is stunning and everyone's out in the common. It's been lovely. And they've all been asking. Where are we at? They're like, what the? Are they worried?

I think she's still, yeah, she's still awake. She's on her holidays. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you what, cause we all fight over the apartment because my parents leave and I just, I'm so mean. So I was like in the airport ready to go home. I text the sibling group and I was like, I bagged the apartment for three weeks in July next year. And my brother was like, I haven't even gone this year. You can't put in your dates. And I was like, I just did. I'm sorry. You are the woman who books your Panto in January. So I'm not surprised. The Gaiety Panto sells out Joanne. Oh no. I don't. It's very important. I think it's a good system, but I'm just flagging that you booking out of time would not surprise me if I was also luckily. I'll be honest. I think I'm going to I will retire to Spain. Probably. I think

when I'm old, I think it'll be nice to be able to be in Spain in the cooler months because it's very, it's very hard to be over here when it's raining all, all, all the time. If I could retire to Spain and do you know what half price in supermarkets, You'd be flying over there. Your pension would go much further. Well, you've missed it. It's been fabulous here. Do you know what? I was absolutely thrilled when the weather started getting good because, as I told you in the last one, I was getting a few nasty comments now about my being away. And then once the weather picked up, none. All gone. Yeah. All is forgiven.

People happy for me again. Well, I hope you've been keeping an eye on things because we have much to discuss. Well I have been keeping an eye on things. Did you see Sinead O'Connor's new Oxford? Because I would really like to talk about that. Oh my God. I saw it. I saw it. And I know how I saw your feelings on it.

I saw it and I gasped. So Sinead O'Connor is, it's her year anniversary. She's an icon. Yeah, absolute icon. And the Dublin Wax Museum revealed a wax, like a wax statue, whatever you call it. A wax work. A wax work. A wax work. A wax work of Sinead O'Connor and there was apparently like national outrage. Her brother complained.

Joanne, they released it right? And I saw this picture and I was like, and it was like the guy he was, it was his retirement figure. So he was retired. He wanted to, he wanted to do Sinead O'Connor's wax work before he retired. I definitely think it was time to retire because poor Sinead didn't look herself at all. I could not disagree more. That man had already retired and they asked him to come back off his retirement to do Sinead O'Connor and he said one for the road and he banged it out and now everyone's like, oh my God. They're like, sorry, one for the road is never a good idea. Come on. Everyone's disgusted by it now. And the guy who runs

the museum has like done interviews where he's like, yeah, no, when he brought it in, I knew it wasn't right and I couldn't sleep the night before. He's like, it's not as usual standard. And I was like, that poor bastard who made the Schneider Connor wax work, like being completely publicly humiliated. Yes. He did it to himself. He humiliated like you can't. That's like he went on the piss and was like, fuck, I forgot to do the wax work. I'll have to do it tonight. And he got it all done in a day. I think you're being very harsh on that man. I think you're being very harsh. She looks, she looks, she does look a little like they stole the mannequin out of the window of River

Island. I'm not going to lie. She's wearing a full length black coat. Have you had your eyes done? It's quite a bouncer. She's got quite like a bouncer look. But do you know what I would say? They're fucking waxworks. She's a candle in a jacket. If you stuck a bouncer. She's got quite like a bouncer look. But do you know what I would say? They're fucking waxworks. She's a candle in a jacket. If you stuck a wick in her, you'd blow right for your birthday. It's a fucking waxwork. It did stick a wick in her. They had to get rid of it as quickly as they could. She's gone. She's now being removed. Like I get it. There's no fixing. There's no fixing that one. You can't even add to that one.

I just. I think and someone else would say, so basically I think what the way with the wax works is they kind of immortalize you at your hottest. Do you know what I mean? They don't see, they immortalize you. It's like what I imagine when you go to heaven, you want to go to heaven when you arrive at your hottest, the hottest version of you, whatever that was. If you die at 83, you want to arrive at 20 years of age into heaven. Because you're like, if that's going to be me for eternity, I want to be in my hot version. And I think that that's what they do with waxworks. But the Dublin, firstly, it's a Dublin wax museum. No shade, but it's not Madame Tussauds, do you know what I mean? So can we all just kind of maintain, can we all just get a grip on

ourselves? It's not the Louvre, do you know what I mean? It's a waxwork. There was a, did you hear about the wax museum called Louis Tussauds, House of Wax in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk? Do you remember this, Joe? They got so many complaints they had to close down. It's hilarious. It's the worst, like, obviously I think it's hilarious. Victoria Beckham's there,

she looks like one of the women off Louvre's women. She looks like Anthea Turner. And then, who else is there? Oh, Kylie and Jason are there. Spitz as far as I'm concerned. But the best one is Michael Jackson. He's still black. Like he's black. Oh God, poor Michael. It's worth a Google. It's really worth a Google. They have to close the holding down. And then someone went and privately bought the whole collection in inverted commas. Stop.

Yeah. So I don't know where they are. Do you remember that portrait you got of me when, like, I've had some people do pictures of me and you can never be nasty because like they've spent time doing it, but sometimes it's like, Oh, that kind of hurts my, my heart. Yeah, I know. I look like that. Yeah. My friends, my friends got me in my first wedding.

My friends got me, uh, uh, they got me a portrait made of myself and my first husband, first husband look great. I looked so bad that I was like, guys, I'm like, I can't, I can't put that up in my house. Like it's really going to affect my confidence. Was it a caricature kind of thing? No. Well, mine looked like one, but obviously they really took on the big mouth and like his was fine. He looked grand. He had a beard so half his face was covered anyway. So they

didn't have to perfect that. I had this big jaw hanging enemy. Listen, art is subjective. It's subjective. It's all and it's always flattering. It's always flattering for people to take the time to ruin your self-esteem with a pencil. If me and you ever get a wax work Vogue, it'll be Jedward on a Friday and us on a Saturday and they'll just rotate it. They'll just change wigs. I'd be John, you'd be Edward. They just put on a new jacket. And they're like, that's the girls. Have you been watching the Olympics?

I mean, I've been watching the Simone Biles show. If that's what you mean. I just watched Simone Biles. How does she? I met a girl, I met this young girl, she was about 14 when we were on holidays, we were at a beach club and she was doing all these flips and stuff and then she just stood there, like stood still and did a backflip and like that even I was like, we were all just like, how have you done that? And like Simone Biles, like the height she jumps at is crazy. She's a phenomenon. She's a phenomenon. But do you know what I was like? I was looking at her gown, like remember the last Olympics she

had to pull out because she was getting the spinnies? Do you remember that? I didn't know she had. And now I have to be honest, I don't really watch the Olympics. I only watch it on Instagram. Yeah, same kind of to be honest, but she was getting the spinnies, which meant when she was up in the air, she was kind of losing, she didn't know where she was. She was kind of losing her sense of kind of where she was and stuff. And it's really dangerous for a gymnast, obviously, because you need to land properly or you'll fucking break your neck. So she was like, I'm getting the spinnies. So she pulled out and I was saying, does anyone remember when I got, do you remember me telling you about that out of body experience I had on stage in Cork one time and I completely lost it and I didn't know what the fuck was

going on. Now I'd had a bottle of wine and three cans of Red Bull, which I assume Simone also had when she got the squeeze. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, ah, she's been on the penis, that's what's going on with her. But so anyway, she pulled out, obviously came back with the fucking bang and is now having all these moves named after her and everything, but it's the pressure. I was like, if I was there wouldn't be enough. I don't think she feels pressure. She's like the most decorated ever Olympian. She is like,

she's out of this world. Like she's she's the best athlete in the whole world. Like she's incredible. I'd say she feels pressure. You couldn't be in the Olympics and not we couldn't. But I was, I was like, well, I know when I was doing Dancing with the Stars. Yes. If I was Simone Biles, there wouldn't be enough CBD oil in Paris to keep me on that fucking mat. She is every single person. Like she comes out, she's like a rock star. I'd say if Taylor Swift walked out, she'd get booed because they'd be waiting for Simone Biles. I've never seen anything like it. She is insane. I'd say on her day off, she's doing an Ironman. Like what does she do to rest?

Oh, I wouldn't say she does rest. I'd say that she has to be moving all the time. But I saw this diver and he was doing like his amazing trip and he just landed on his face. His whole body was just flat. He just completely belly flop. Imagine going under the water after doing that. You'd be like, please, I don't want to come back up. I don't want to come back up in the middle of the Olympics. Yeah. And there's no back door in a pill. You have to come up. Like there's nowhere else to go. You have to come on. See you. Did he just lie on his CV? How did he get the job? Or did he just, he just battled us sometimes you just have a belly flop. Like we do it. You can't have the perfect dive all the time.

Sometimes you have an old belly flop. I know but it's the fucking Olympics. Ireland's doing amazing. Timer recording two medals one gold one bronze. Daniel we've been gold for swimming. I'm like Daniel please don't be on drugs that happened to us the last time. Do you remember Michelle? Why you oh Michelle. She was on drugs. Daniel don't be on drugs we'd rather an honest bronze than a doped gold. I'm all about doping. Daniel is not on drugs. It's the national shame. It's the national shame. We can't take it. We don't get out much. We're going to have to stop winning so many medals in the Olympics. We're absolutely brilliant. Imagine how much Ryanair are going to charge them to get them home. We've great swimmers

in Ireland. Must be because we live in an island. Mona McSherry won bronze. Fair play to her. Congratulations. We only have just over, we have just over five million people in Ireland and some people are crap at sports like us. Well I'm not as bad as you to be fair. Come on. I'm not. Excuse me? I'm not. Excuse me? Have you seen the speed at which I can use a corkscrew? You don't fucking understand.

I have skills you don't understand. I'd be a natural boulderer. I can like get into teeny tiny spaces and stuff. And I'm really good at surveillance and phone hacking. They're just not recognized sports at the moment. I saw a meme going around and it was like, what about if Olympians were just chosen at random and the general population, like the hunger games, like you were just chosen and you all had to just go to the Olympics and compete. What would you do in the Olympics? What would you do? I wonder what I would do.

Do you know what I think I would do? I think I would, would you do javelin? No, you do javelin. I think, do you know what? I think I would do archery or something if I could choose. Yeah. What would I do? Obviously gymnastics.

Of course. Yes. No, I'd probably do shot put. No, I'd run. I'd run. I'm doing 5k a day. I'd be, I'd be doing the long distance. Yeah.

You would do the long distance. How many, how many, how many kilometers is in the long distance there, Jo? 10,000 meters, 10k. Oh God, I'd be brilliant. I'm building up to it. I'll be ready in the next few months for a 10K. One, two, three, go. No, brother. Yeah. You know, you want to carry Richardson, the sprinter. Yeah. Something about her. I, I've been watching her on this TV show on Netflix. So she's a sprinter. Yeah. And she's an incredible sprinter.

She's a Joe. Is she one of the fastest women in the world? Oh my God, you want you to love her nails and her hair and everything. Oh, I know her. I know her, yeah. And she's like, she basically is like, I'm the best in the world and that's just it. Like she's got this really high opinion of herself, which she should do because she's amazing. Then she kind of had a little stumble

where she wasn't doing well and everyone was thrilled that she wasn't doing well because they felt like she was being a show off. And then she came back and she kicked the shit out of everyone and now she's doing really well. Did you say she was on Netflix? There's a show on Netflix about sprinting. About her. About sprinting. Loads of sprinters. Currently the fourth fastest American woman in history. Whoa. Oh, in history. She runs with these

nails that are like the size of her fingers, like really long nails. Her hair touches her arse and she just she's full glam. She's really cool. Yeah. She's an inspiration to lazy bitches like myself. And did you see? So firstly, we know that everyone in the Olympic Village is riding as we know. And that's a real problem apparently because they're just all hot and fucking fit and lean and tanned and beautiful. And there is an American rugby player who I started following called Alona Marr and her insta stuff is really funny. And she was posting this clip about she keeps calling it the Olympic Villa. And she's like, I'm going to match up really quickly because ultimately I'm here to find love. And then someone off camera is like, you're not alone or you're here

to play rugby. But there was I was thinking, imagine working in the Olympic Village Canteen, you would just working in the Olympic Village canteen. You would just be on the horn. Yeah. All the time. Like there is it sounds to me like it's just a giant gangbang. I feel like it's what it must be. You've worked for four years and I'm not being like this, but they don't get paid that much to be doing stuff like that.

That's for the love of what they're doing. Yeah. Work for four years and then he got there and he'd want to let off some steam. They pay themselves in rights basically. They're like, I'm not going to get paid. I'm going to write when I get here. That's my payment. That's my self care payment. Well I suppose you're like being there for your country. You're amazing. I also want to change what I'm doing. I want to be a beach volleyball because I want to have a bod like them. Their bodies are ridiculous. Just so much. I've never even heard of cellulite. So much.

Just so much fitness. There was a guy, did you see the Italian high jumper who lost his wedding ring in the sand? Yeah. He said something quite nice about it though, that like his wife, I think his wife is going to chuck hers in there as well. So it's like they're reconnected and they're going to like renew their vows. Yeah. I was like, how convenient you're losing your wedding ring in the Olympic. Do you know? Come on. I saw the sweet side to it and you're like, oh yeah.

Oh yeah. It's like me saying I lost my virginity at 40. Now it's buying it. Do you know what I mean? You're like, dude, you know exactly what you're doing. If I was his wife, I'd be the advice of your fucking flying straight to Paris. But I was, so basically, what I thought was someone kind of hit on me the other day when I was, when I was in Spain, quite a good looking man. And then I kind of turned around, this is before, cause I didn't, I was only facing him one way and I kind of turned around and then we were talking, you know, the way, talk with your hands. And he saw my writing ring and he immediately recoiled. Yeah. It does keep them away. And I thought, what a nice man. Yeah. It was either the wedding

ring or the fact that three of my kids came running up beside me. I'm not sure which one sent him on his merry way. Was it the size of the hands to think. It was the little tinky-winky hanging out from the bikini bottoms. Are you sure it was the ring and not just the sheer mass of the hands? I did kind of clock him in the side of the head with the hand by accident because I was so close to him. Final Olympic story that I read that brought me great joy. There was an Australian hockey player who had, he got a hockey injury a couple of weeks before the Olympics

and the doctor's, one of his fingers was really badly damaged and the doctor was like, okay, listen, here are your choices. Have the finger treated and kind of stitched up and get surgery on it, but it would mean weeks of recovery and he couldn't go to the Olympics. Or the doctor was like, oh, we could amputate it and then you just, you go to the Olympics. Where is he now? In Paris with four fingers. I thought to be honest with you, the baby finger doesn't do much. That should get rid of that. It does fuck all. I said the exact same thing.

I said, I give my baby finger to get a ticket to Hamilton. I don't care. I don't even put rings on the baby finger. It does nothing. It just sits there. I'd get my wedding ring removed as an act of feminism. I'm never going to use it. I might have to start using yours. Mine will get worn out. Run out of space on yours. More rings. More. I've got 10 fingers. They need to have 10 rings. I want to tell you something. One of my favorite stories of this week. Now you know that I am and forever and always will be. I know I've said Eminem as well, but he is on my

list as well. But Liam Gallagher was one of my first crushes in my entire life and he always will be. And this made me love him even more, even though I've fallen out with Noel. He doesn't know it, but I've fallen out with Noel. So I read this story and I loved it so much because it was so mean and long. And like, you know how we love it a little grudge. John Bon Jovi said that Liam Gallagher. So you know John Bon Jovi, Joanne? Yes, indeed. You'd like his music. Who's this?

I'm not familiar. Hold on, I'll check my Instagram page that I follow to see if they can teach me anything about this John Bon Bon Jovi. Is it? I don't know. Bon Bon Bon Bon. Jonathan Jovi. I'm not familiar.

Such a great band. Jonathan Chauvy. I'm not familiar. Such a great band. You'd like him. Oh my God. You would. You'd enjoy his music. Have you heard of Mary Black? I was listening to her the whole time with the aunties.

Okay. John Bon Chauvy said Liam Gallagher was giving me nuisance phone calls for over a decade. What? Yeah. God knows how he got my number. He would ring at three or four in the morning just to tell me my music was shit. Oh my God. It gets better. Sometimes he would call me the bastard son of Richard Branson and other times he would shout lion head down the phone until I hung up.

What is wrong with Liam Galler? Like, it's like he thinks he invented music. Now, was this was this done in like kind of a goodwill ha ha ha way? Was this a no? It went on for a decade and then Bon Jovi offered to pay him $500,000 to stop and he told him to eat shit. Oh my God. He's like, he's like a musical hooligan. So can you imagine that scrap between him and his brother? It was probably about absolutely nothing and that just never be friends again. How long was he heckling John Bon Jovi? 10 years. 10 years. He shit lion head.

I mean, music shit. John Bon Jovi needs a restraining order out against him. Also, as my stoicism Instagram account tells me, where you feel the fear, that's where the work needs to be done. So that's what I would say to Liam. Why are you so scared of John? I'd love to hear you say that to Liam. Why are you so scared of John? You're jealous of John. You're projecting and you're jealous. He could be jealous of John because John has good hair and John's songs are good. John Bon Bon Bon Bon.

Jonathan Bon Jovi. It's my life! He's a great hit. But it's now or never. It's now or never. Why Bon, Jonathan Bon Jovi. It's my life. He's a great. It's now or never. It's now or never. Why are you so fucking jealous, Liam? Why are you so jealous? You're such a mean girl. She's not thinking. You can go my own way. Go your own way.

Great tune by Jonathan. One of my faves. With or without you another classic. Yeah, beautiful day, wasn't that his? I met another woman on the common who was asked me about that dick photo of you. Yeah. Really? I'm so glad she was interested in it. Yeah. Yeah. I want to tell you a couple of things about Liam Gallagher. He once was asked what his favorite superhero was. And he said, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yeah. And in an interview, he once said, if I saw an alien, I'd tell it to fuck right off because whatever planet he came from, they wouldn't have the Beatles or any decent fucking music. I think he is so funny. I love him so much.

Imagine the Martians. Imagine what they have up there. And he's like, do you know what I mean? They can communicate with their eyes, but they don't have the Beatles. I feel like the aliens watch us like TV because they're like, look at the state of these jobs and just watch them. That's why they sometimes come in and out to look, being like, look at their civilization. What is this? This is like the dark ages. They're like, they haven't even figured out how to make diet wine yet.

Gob shites. Look at that one one all puffy. I'm like, take me up. Take me up there. Do you know what the problem with aliens is? The people who get, um, who got abducted by them, they're always a bit on the strange side. If it was someone like, I know, completely like with this, I agree. the most together person in the world? Kamala Harris. If she said she got abducted, I'd say you did. I believe you, girl. She's a credible witness.

I agree. They're always a little bit suspect. Maybe that's just when they come back down because they've seen some shit, you know? Maybe they go up like Kamala. Yeah, that's a good perspective. In a tracer suit and just kind of ready to be president and then they come back down and they're a little bit shook. I mean, I would be shook. Surely. I think it would have some impact

on me if I, you just want to go back. You'd want to go back. Ah, yeah. Amazing. Wherever they're off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Totally. I love silver as well. I love silver clothes and stuff. The fashion would completely. I love that. I love a big chunky boot. Yeah. Just beaming around up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fresh lads. A new pool for you to go through. Yeah.

A whole new hinge community. Oh yeah. I'd live forever because that's what the aliens do. Yeah. Like I'd be so happy up there. Best alien film I've seen. I've seen a load of them. I'm not going to remember the name but Jo I'm going to ask you to Google. It's the one where it's where they

they it's the the one where they... Alien. Alien 2. No. The Martian. No. Good options though. But I don't even watch alien films because I think they're so shy. Independence Day. No. Signs. Oh it's signs. Signs. Yeah it's signs. Oh, it's signs. Signs. Yeah, it's signs. I assume it's signs. It's not Gibson. No, no, sorry. Oh, I thought it would have been

because he's definitely been zapped up there because he's not right now since he came back from his alien visit. I think he's just religious. And problematic. I don't think he was abducted. I think he's just Catholic. Interstellar. There's no aliens there, That's just space. Apollo 13. Again. Space. There's astronauts

missing on the moon, by the way. Well, missing up in space supposedly. Well, they're not missing. They know where they are, but they can't get them back down. God, that story was... No, it is true. They're not missing. They know where they are, but they can't get them back down. As last I've heard. Arrival. Never heard of it. Neither have I, but I'm sure that that's the film. That seems to be the film I'm talking about. It seems to be the one describing it, but it doesn't ring a bell, I have to say. I'd like to finish on this note. Russell Crowes said he was a fucking slut after his divorce. I know. And he was a ride after the divorce. I'm, I'm, I'm sad I wasn't living in Australia

at the time because he used to live in the same apartment block as me. Really? Yeah. He used to live in the like really expensive one. Oh, you missed a trick there. I did. Stupid asshole. I'm really, I'm disappointed in myself now. You missed on that note. You missed his slutty stage. I read that article and he was saying that he was going around love bombing women and I was like, am I the only person when I get love bombed I just think it's the attention I deserve. I'm like, yeah, of course he's mad about me. Why wouldn't he be? I don't see anything sinister in this. I'm not suspicious at all. I did meet him once and he didn't give a slutty vibe. He was in his car though so I couldn't see the erect penis.

There you go. Yeah. It was probably there. It was probably there. Hello Russell. Yeah, I'm sure it was there. Nice to see you too. Two of his hands up in the air and he's still driving away straight.

I get it. Yeah. Well, that's it for this week thank you everybody for listening and thank you Jo and Joanne for being here to talk to me. Oh thank you for having us. Thank you I've really appreciated your time. Thank you for having us. I appreciate that. Good luck on your future endeavors. Good luck to you.