My Therapist Ghosted Me - Replying To Trolls, Resisting Robots & Dealing With Housemates
Episode Date: May 26, 2023Recorded from the dressing room backstage at The Kings Theatre in Glasgow, moments before the MTGM live show kicked off... Joanne has entered her angry phase and Vogue has some serious worries about r...obots taking over. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to hello@MTGMpod.comPlease review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/MTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! For tickets, merch and more, visit mytherapistghostedme.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hello and welcome to My Therapist's Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally.
We are currently backstage in Glasgow about to go on to our show but Jo likes us to work
100% of the time
all the time
can we eat Jo
or is that
no
sorry
sorry
that was Jo
ruining the podcast
hindering our
he's trying to set up cameras
we are doing
My Therapist Goes To Me Live
in the Kings here
in Glasgow Glasgow it's Glasgow to set up cameras we are doing My Therapist Goes To Me live in the Kings here in
Glasgow
Glasgow
it's Glasgow
I'll tell you what
I used to live
sexiest accent
alive
I swear to God
I've no interest in
like the Spanish accent
anything kind of
Latino like that
not that I
not that I'm against
that culture
tell us how you read it
oh God here we go
I just find that accent
like some women find
it really sexy for me it's Glaswegian no I like every time Scottish people I love you but my
stepdad is Scottish and I just it just is not sexy to me now because of Neil well unless you're
into kind of the daddy role play no not really into the daddy role play do you know I used to
live in Aberdeen when I went to uni and I remember the first time I got
there because there's a Peterborough accent and stuff like that when you're in Aberdeen because
they're so close and people would literally be like can feel like Memphis is that a and I'd be
like what say what yeah so that means like how's it going man what's the story what does it say
again can feel like Memphis is study that means how what's the story yeah yeah what's going on
man what's the story yeah so I rang my mom what's the story so I rang my mom
when I got there
and I burst out crying
down the phone
I was like
I don't know what
any of them are saying to me
I didn't know what
anyone was saying
because the accents
were so strong
funnily enough
when I got drunk
I actually understood
them more
well also
I notice
when I gig abroad
that a lot of the time
people are like
sorry I missed all of that
Bernie
because we
if they're not Irish, obviously.
Yeah.
Like if you come to my house, Spencer's like, you're just, you get like 100% more Irish.
And he's like, we talk too fast to each other.
It's my, my mum.
She's from Cork.
She's Corkownian.
Maiden named Corkery.
Like you couldn't get more Cork than my mum.
But the accent has softened because she's been in Dublin for like 80 years or whatever.
No offense mum.
But now when she rings, when she rings Cork, it just flares back up again like an infection. softened because she's been in Dublin for like 80 years or whatever no offense mum but
now when she rings
when she rings cork
it just flares back up again
like an infection
I know
you know when you get into a taxi
she's straight back into
cork
like it's really full on
I'm like mum
she'd just walk into a room
and she'd be like
full blown cork again
and I was like
and she's like
oh sorry I was onto your aunt
I was onto your auntie
for having her
it just
do you know
so speaking of accents
we did the late late
yeah
on Friday
chat show in Ireland
were people
slagging our accents again
oh
really
I don't know what's going on
I don't know if I'm
premenstrual
perimenopausal
psychotic
I don't know if
I don't know what's going on
with me
but I am fit
to fight at the moment.
You,
you on the plane over to Newcastle,
you were a bit like,
I'm going to respond to this.
Yeah.
Do not respond.
I was,
I was getting to this day.
You're supposed to ignore it all.
You're supposed to rise above it,
but there's,
it gets harder and harder to be called a talentless by some loser in his
fucking mother's basement.
Sorry.
Beat that Joe.
It really, I don't know that joe it really i don't
know what is going on i don't know is it my pill i'm just so full of rage it's so annoying though
my it's so annoying at least you get talentless like they're at least they're saying you do
something all i get is what does she even do does she have a job i'm like my point is
even do does she have a job I'm like my point is I when I first started it didn't bother me I just accepted it as part of the process yeah I don't know why at the late like do you know what it is
I think I know what it is because it's the same shit every time and you're like their accents
are fake oh I don't know who they are if you don't know who I am how do you know my accent's fake
they're my favorite no they're my favorite comments on the daily mail which I don't know who they are if you don't know who I am how do you know my accent's fake they're my favourite no they're my favourite comments
on the Daily Mail
which I can't stop reading
I know I know
who is she
I don't even know who she is
stop commenting
I'm like I don't know
who you are either Daryl
I read a recent one
which was one of my favourites
and it was like
the only day
I'm looking forward to
is her funeral
me too
it's going to be a great day out
it will be a good day
do you know that person
was dead right
we're not going to offer
it's going to be
imagine the amount of brands
that are going to punch you
in the grave
oh my god
it would be collapse central
I hope I outlive you
I probably will
I'm like a cockroach
even though you live
a cleaner life
I'd probably outlive you
you probably will
like your skin is
glowier than mine
and everything
I just don't understand
I went and got it
I was in with Susan Vaughan
I got the morpheus
I know I need to go back
into it
I was in with
oh my god
I was in with Ewan
and I was getting revived sorry I know we talk about this stuff a lot but i was sitting i left
the cafe you know the cafe just beside where he is because i was starving and i'd left the cafe
and i had numbing cream all over my face but i put loads on and i literally had the biggest lump
of avocado hanging off my chin I was like I've just
walked in public
because my face was numb
I couldn't feel any of it
and then I had to go to
a kids party with my kids
and my whole face
I was like
everything just felt so strange
he's like
why did you put it everywhere
I was like
I don't know
I kind of like the feeling
so do you pre
cream yourself
oh I pre-numb
I'm a wimp
I pre-numb
and still complain
do you pre-numb
pre-numb 100%
you don't numb
I don't pre-numb oh yeah I get them semi-numbing and still complain. Do you pre-num? Pre-num 100%. You don't numb. I don't pre-num.
Oh yeah,
I get them semi-numbing at home.
Anyway,
late, late
and then of course
I'm going to be in vogue.
Anyway,
I let myself down
because I started,
I'd had a couple of drinks
in the plane
and I started replying to people.
You did in the snide.
Don't grow up,
you douche,
all this shit
and blocking everyone.
And then one woman,
like,
look,
I'm just in a,
I'm just coming into
an angry era I think
it'll be gone by next week
but
just the frustration of it
I don't know why
maybe you're getting your period
I'm much angrier
I think
I think I must be getting
my period
it was unfortunate
to be premenstrual
during the late
because
it's the accent
firstly
who would fake this accent
secondly
what do you think
we're actually from Meath like what do you think we're actually from Meath
like what do you think
we're doing
it's an affliction
this accent
well people
people are wary
because as I'm from
the north side
I'm not supposed to
sound like this
but Hoth is like
a little peninsula
on its own
I was about to say
get over it
I don't mean Hoth
I mean the accent
I think it's
I think I've
accent fatigue
stop making
it drives me mad
that I'm being
that I'm constantly
being told
my accent isn't real
Or that it's not Irish
It's like
Spenny
Spenny
My hairdresser Carla
She is from
Where would she be from
Like kind of inner city Dublin accent
Like a really nice
Dublin Dublin accent
And Spenny turned around
And turned and was like
Are you from Cork
Like
He's no clue of accents
Of course he's no clue
I know
He wouldn't know that I'm posh
I have this problem
well I wouldn't say
I'm posh
I'd say my accent
is posh
I think you hit both
I think you hit both
I am not
are you going to
turn around and say
to me I'm classy
you're hardly
council cock now
come on
do you think I'm classy
yeah
what
you're what
you yeah
no one says I'm classy
yeah yeah yeah
I have another one
do you think I'm light-footed?
Absolutely not, no.
No, okay, granted.
No, you're very heavy in the foot.
I've got a wide gait.
You're very heavy in the foot, I would say.
When you started telling me I had a wide gait,
I saw a video of myself walking when I was pregnant
during the wide gait days.
And honestly, my legs were like...
It was so wide, yeah.
They were just going outwards.
They were parallel to my body.
Yeah, it was like you dislocated them
Yeah
They were just like
They were just
Each moving independently
Of the other
Turning into airplane wings
But I'm not
But I say this out of love
You look like that all the time
Even when you're not pregnant
What?
I'm sorry
You're classy
Get away with it
You can't just
Slag me off
You wear Rolexes
As ankle bracelets
You're loaded
I wouldn't worry about it
You can't slag me off Or something And then just ankle bracelets you're loaded I wouldn't worry about it you can't slag me off
or something
and then just chuck in
your classy
to try and make it better
I'm in my rage era Vogue
Vogue your hair's rotten
but you're classy
Vogue why is your
personality so shit
but you're classy
but you're classy babe
you have nice jewels
I love your jewellery
and your trousers
anyway again
this woman was like
their accents
stale
and they're so annoying
and em
I was obviously
as I said
had a good
nothing good happens to me
on a plane
to be honest
it's the worst
I shouldn't be allowed
wifi on a plane
can I tell you something
by the way
before we got on the plane
right
there's a coffee shop
in Dublin airport
I'll take you to a joke
I've never had a nice
nicer coffee right
we're walking by
what's it called
butlers
so we're walking by
butlers
and I was like
do you want to get a coffee
and you turned around
to me
and you said
no I don't want a drink
that's going to dehydrate me
and went and got yourself
wine
she turned down the coffee
and I'm watching her
I was like
is she
joking
yeah I'm like
I don't
I need something
with an electrolyte
it's gonna dehydrate me
the coffee
I actually
yeah that's
yeah sometimes
my hypocrisy
shocks even me
it was so
good
it's not like saying
no I won't have a cigarette
and then just go out
to shit up for the afternoon
I remember when I used to smoke
when I was younger,
like a full-time smoke group
and the vapes came out.
So I was like,
I'm going to start hitting the vapes.
Like this was years ago
when they weren't like the vapes
that we have now.
I remember like smoking.
When they actually had
like the engines on them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was literally blown out
like fog horns of smoke.
I remember I used to smoke
and one hand vaping
and the other like,
what?
I don't know what I thought
I was doing.
It's the ADHD
and I know
I
so I
I get a couple
I've been tested
well I haven't actually
been tested no
yeah but I think
me and Jo
you would agree with me
I couldn't sit still
there is
your brain is like
there's like 60 things
going on at the same time
I don't know
I think everyone's kind of
diagnosing each other
with either spectrum style behaviour or ADHD. I think everyone's kind of diagnosing each other with either
spectrum style behaviour
or ADHD
which I think probably
dilutes people
who genuinely have it.
But
Oh my God
I've lost my concentration.
Who's in charge here?
Is there a screw in?
Who is in charge today?
We'll let Joe be in charge today.
He's doing a good job Joe.
Joe can I get another
glass of champagne there please?
Not without knocking
the cameras over.
Now I will say the champagne is room temperature. We have nothing but respect.
We've nothing but respect for Gem.
I would just like to give a quick shout out to the girl who
faked Hans her baby.
Did you see that?
Is she really? that is she really
or is she joking
I don't know
this could not be true
she said she faked tans
her seven week old baby
Jo do you fake tan
your baby
no
what the hell is wrong with you
Sue Brophy did
my makeup
Karina Gaffney styled us
who did your makeup
Ashley O'Rourke
and my pal Carla
and my pal Carla
did my hair
and do you know what
I
Karina's been styling me
since I met her
I met her at 17
at this shoot
and I've worked with her
ever since
and Ashley's obviously
mine and Ashley's dream
was to be able to work
with each other
that's the champagne
spilling that joke
word everywhere
my dream was to be able
to work with my best pals
and I get to work with them
every time I go home
and it's like
it's the nicest thing
it's really nice especially when they go to their jobs well every time I go home and it's like it's the nicest thing it's really nice
especially when they go
to their jobs
well like yeah
I mean if she had you
looking like a clown
you probably wouldn't bother
so Sue Brophy anyway
she always does my hair
and makeup if she's free
because she is
you look fab
she's just
I think
like one of the best
she polished that turd
she polished it
and she polishes it so well
that I have to say
the compliments start
becoming slightly offensive.
Do you know what?
Well, I was offended.
I saw one compliment and it was like, oh, Joanne is like way nicer than Vogue or something.
I was like, excuse me.
Oh, yeah.
We are as nice as each other.
We look like family.
Did I tell you about the time?
Sorry.
Late, late.
Late, late.
When people are so shocked that you look well
that they're like
oh my god.
And you're like
what do I
what do I look like?
My one of that is
when I don't wear
when I've no concealer on
and I do a video
people are like
please tell me what concealer you use
because I look like I've been punched.
Without concealer.
You've got the kind of sexy black eyes.
You've got like a kind of a
you've got a dark under eye
which I think is kind of cool.
Yeah, but you know what?
I like it.
I've had it since I was younger in school.
Yeah, I like it.
I've always had it.
It's quite heroin chic.
Thank you very much.
I love the Late Late Show though.
We got to go on with Ryan.
We met,
yeah, we met Michal Martin,
but his son wasn't with us,
so we were absolutely raging.
We met Michal Martin.
So, but you're in love.
He's one of our revolving Taoiseachs.
He's now,
he's not the Taoiseach at the moment now he's not the Taoiseach at the moment
he's not the Taoiseach
so they're kind of
they switch jobs
I was like Micheál
I don't know if you know
but Leo Verracker
follows me on Vogue
so if you want to go on again
has Micheál followed us?
no not that I'm aware of
okay well that's it
I'm not quite sexy in real life
I'm like a dog in heat
I don't know what's going on
I definitely think
you're getting your period
I don't know what it is imagine Micheál listens to going on I definitely think you're getting your period I don't know what it is
imagine Micheál
listens to this
he's quite sexy
you're getting your period
that's why
it's an illness Joanne
it's an illness
you're not thinking straight
all I've wanted to do this week
is ride and punch people
in the face
I don't know what's going on
I'm not myself
or maybe this is myself
no you're unusual
well calm her down
she'll have one more drink
she'll be grand
yeah
the late late was fun though
I love Ryan
isn't Ryan just so nice
he's actually got something
very interesting
that he wants to do
after the late late
and Paddy Kielty is
has Ryan got something
in the pipeline
I love when something
has something in the pipeline
Ryan has something
in the pipeline
and he told me about it
and it is like
because he's obviously
super smart
like it's just something
really interesting
and it's going to be
noteworthy TV
Patrick Kielty
has the new
job as the
late late host
he's going to be great
Vogue Williams
would you rather
ooh
okay go
Ryan or Patrick
to ride
yeah
I would rather
well I don't
I don't care
I never care for anything else
okay well I don't know
Patrick yet
we don't
oh yeah that's fair
I like your being
very diplomatic
we're taking in
personality as well
Ryan feels like
he's kind of our friend
Ryan is our friend
he is
and he's such a kind
nice man
yeah people can be
wankers about us
and he's always been
really nice
yeah he's always
been really nice
so I would say
I am for now
gonna ride Ryan
but hopefully
I will ride everyone
yeah now his daughter
does listen to the pod
so
well I'm going to ride your dad
we're going to ride your dad
just in case you didn't hear it
the first time
we're going to buy Ryan
Ryan is the host
of the late late
by the way
we're going to sandwich Ryan
we are going to be
the little pieces of bread
and Jo you can rub in
at the top
just like a little condiment
ah that's too much
Jo just spreading
his love mayonnaise
I don't think so
sicko that's love mayonnaise how just spreading his love mayonnaise I don't think so Sicko
That's love mayonnaise
How have I never heard that before
Sorry
Speaking of mayonnaise
No the real mayonnaise
I had Burger King
In the airport today
I haven't had it in so long
I know I had a day off yesterday
What did you have
What did you have
Chicken Royale
And two small chips
Because the one thing
I will say about Burger King
Is the chip portion sizes
are
too small
too small
unacceptable
I'm not a child
well he did order small portions
so they were always
going to be small
respect me
no I ordered
well I ordered two medium small
but they're both
like I remember one time
I sat
again
chips are inexpensive
just fill me with chips
yeah like
McDonald's and Farron's
they're not scabby on the chips
Burger King
you're like
oh are we rationing?
What's going on?
Is this like a famine?
What's happening?
Anyway, so I have my little two bags of chips
and my chicken royale
and I fucking loved it.
And I'll tell you this much.
What?
The mayonnaise in Burger King
is a next level.
I basically,
I don't know how many sachets I had.
I basically just ate mayonnaise
with a sprinkling of chips
God that's what Gigi does
Gigi just starts
shoving her fingers
into it in the unit
as a child
I used to sit in the house
and just drink
or eat entire huge boxes
of coleslaw
I have a
serious horn
and weakness for
mayonnaise
mayonnaise is a good condiment
but I don't know if I could
put it over ketchup
it's like
it's like crack
I think
Burger King
that's how they get you in
because the mayonnaise is free
and then you pay for everything else
because you want the mayonnaise
do you remember actually
we were coming back
right
Joanne and I were in the airport
on Saturday morning together
and we were coming back
and we were desperate for breakfast
remember
we wanted to go for breakfast
and we went into the
we went into the restaurant
there's like
honestly there's one
restaurant besides Burger King in Dublin Airport Terminal 2 that you can get food.
So we went in because Joanne did not want to dehydrate herself any more than she was.
No, nothing dehydrating.
I was like, that's a diuretic.
Coffee's a diuretic.
I need to hydrate.
I think you actually used that word.
And then I had two peanut acrecias.
Like, it makes no sense.
It makes no sense.
So we went in
and we went to this restaurant
there's a queue workout
that you have to
order your food on
I hate queue workouts
I just
want a menu
the worst thing
to come out of COVID
besides the
the death
yeah besides
the fucking queue workouts
like oh my god
honestly
they're for everything
and it's just like
just give me a menu
so anyway
we were trying to order on it
and then we were like
to the waitress we were like do you want like we want to order this but we don't want bacon on it and it's just like, just give me many. So anyway, we were trying to order on it and then we were like to the waitress,
we were like,
do you want,
like,
we want to order this
but we don't want bacon on it.
And she's like,
yeah,
no,
you can't do that.
Yeah,
computer says no.
So there's like five things to order
and you literally could not
change that order at all.
So if you were not a meat eater,
you were just.
We left,
didn't we?
Yeah.
We stormed out
and went to the next shithole.
Oh God,
the next,
the next,
no,
the next place was the worst
it's
I don't understand
you got a wet sandwich
and I was jealous of it
by the end of mine
back with like
a couple of rotten beans
in it
I spent so much time
in that airport
and I know where they
hold the chicken sandwiches
so I know where to go
and
speaking of
I'd like to come back
to your workouts
but today again
in Dundon airport again
maybe that's what's wrong with me
I think I'm in the sky too much
yeah so I was inork but today again in Dublin airport again maybe that's what's wrong with me I think I'm in the sky too much yeah
so I was in the airport today
again
yeah
and having my daily peanut
that's why I got the train
I wanted the train today
why?
no airports
I love it
I find the airport
I feel like
I feel like me and Erlingus
are in
kind of a
like a
like I'm being chartered
to Glasgow
and there's just loads of other people
also being chartered with me because I just love loads of other people also a bit chartered with me
because I just love
I just love
I genuinely just love flying with them
I feel like them
about the way you feel like house
it's annoying
I just yeah
but I just don't like the before part
in the airport
because I'm a cheap bitch
like I can't help myself
I always end up buying stuff
I'm a piece of loads of money in here
what I've started doing is
because I get so bored in airports
and I just buy
cosmetics and shit
I started buying tiny airplane ones
so I can justify
buying another size
in a week
because I can't find
anyway so I'm in the airport
woman comes over
really nice
she'd been to see the show
one of the shows
and she was like
can I get a selfie
and I was like
yeah of course
and she hands the phone
to her child
to take it
like she was like
six or something
I don't know
whatever
I can't
I don't know
that child was probably
about 13
yeah she could have been
anywhere between
6 and 19
yeah
but she was
a child
okay
and she handed the thing
to this little child
and the child is like
doing the angle
from like under here
and I said sorry no
and I told the child
and I was like
no no no
the lady doesn't like that
because your woman was like
say hello to the lady
and I was like
the lady doesn't want you
taking a photo
from down that low
I don't want 60 chins
thank you
no
and then when I took
the phone off the chat
I was like
this is so bad
I can't believe
I just did that
but I'm powering through
lean in
and then I took a selfie
with your woman
with right angles
and good lighting
and did you whack a Paris
I just said to her
like obviously
put a Paris on
my morale can't take
the photos
no
and sometimes when you see
when you're like
those ones you know
when people look amazing
and they tag themselves
and you see yourself
and you look like a toe
I've had photos taken on days
that I look so shit
my phone won't open
won't acknowledge
face recognition
that is a bad day
when your phone
doesn't recognise you
because you're so ugly
that's a really bad day
I wonder if my phone
would recognise you
why would it because I just think we look alike no we don't people keep saying when your phone doesn't recognise you because you're so ugly. That's a really bad day. I wonder if my phone would recognise you.
Why would it?
Because I just think we look alike.
No, we don't.
People keep saying I look like Queen Rania.
Yeah, well, I mean,
that's not a bad call.
I wish I was Queen Rania of Jordan.
I would tell her
I look like Shrek,
Princess Diana from Shrek.
So I'd go with Queen Rania
if I did.
Things about,
so because the keyboard code
drove us so mad, right?
I did a little deep dive on this.
And listen to this.
By the year 2030,
it's estimated
that 25 million jobs
worldwide
that were once done
by a human
will be replaced
by a robot.
And 42% of those jobs
will never go back
to humans.
But one of them,
right,
that I absolutely,
oh,
a cashier.
I love a cashier.
I told you about
my friend in co-op
who, like, paid for my food one day
and I had to go back
and give him the money
but like
cashiers are not
I like having the chats with them.
Sorry.
I'm a fucking cashier.
I can't remember the last time
anyone else scanned anything for me.
I know.
Yeah we're doing that ourselves now anyway.
Oh and it always
something always breaks
and they have to come over to you.
Look I'm going back
putting in codes and all. Yeah. I just like I'm properly skilled now those people I almost
drivers 51% I was driving out of Dublin airport where you live now where you reside where I live
I left the car there so I drove out and I I knew there was something wrong on my google maps because
it seemed to be adding it was always taking me back roads it was like I put a setting on that says
like I'm fucking I'm bored bring me anywhere I don't know what was going on so anyway I realized
since I had it to um avoid motorways but I didn't cop because I didn't intentionally put it on so I
didn't know and I'm so geographically thick that I just follow
I'm like whatever
the computer tells me to do
if it told me to drive
through a house
to get to the other road
I'd do it
yeah yeah yeah
I'd just be like
but this is what Google
it's Google
like I'm not going to
argue with Google
so I was coming out
to an airport
and it was like
take a left through Swords
and I was like
this can't be right
but I'm going to do it
because maybe it's
how annoying
how do you not
Aaron 40 minutes
but Joanne
to get back to Enniscarry
so Enniscarry you don't know the back to Enniscarry so Enniscarry
you don't know the way to Enniscarry
it's on the M50
I tell you
I take
I'm very
I take direction well
you're on
you're practically
on the M50
at the airport
but it was like
it was like
swing a left Joanne
and I was like
oh it's Google
like maybe it's trying to be sound
maybe there's like a collision
or traffic
so off I went
into the Midlands.
Well, it would be nice.
You know what?
When someone, like, I think it'd be nice.
You could, you'd have your own personal driver when this happens,
when the robots take over the cars.
Yeah.
And it's going to be all like ski electrics and stuff.
Anyways, there I am driving.
And I could feel there was.
Is it not ski electrics?
She always likes me when I left the front.
Yeah, I don't know.
Here's another one. Cleaner 21% job loss predicted. when I watch the front yeah I don't know here's another one
cleaner 21%
job loss predicted
now I would
now
I'm sorry
I wouldn't like that
I don't think I want robots
taking over anything
to be honest
we're not going to lose Dora
are we
Dora's going nowhere
but 21%
I just like human interaction
bartender
19%
you'll never get a larger wine
than what you asked for
you'll only get it to this
to the literal millimetre
that's the meanest thing
you've ever said to me
you know I'm not in a great place
it's coercive control
you might
you might never
when they take it out
and they look you in the eye
and they pour it
like what I love
when you order
when I was in Newcastle
sorry I can't
I cannot do it
I'm sorry
you gave it to me for doing that such a cool city I love it I love I just order when I was in Newcastle sorry I can't I cannot do it I'm sorry you gave it to me
for doing that
such a cool city
I love it
I love
I just
I think I
I think I'm a
northerner
I love Newcastle
I think I'm a
northerner
my dad's from
Preston
Lancashire
now we were
obviously I'm adopted
so it's not like
in the DNA
but still I was
raised by a
Lancashire man
but
oh Frank was
from Lancashire
Frank was
Lancashire yeah
what was his accent Lancashire what's that like Lancashire man but oh Frank was from Lancashire Frank was Lancashire yeah what was his accent
Lancashire
what's that
like Lancashire
yeah
well he's dead a long time
to be honest
I'd have to get out the
take him off
stick a voice box in him
see if there's anything left
squeeze his belly.
It's so funny in the show.
Like because me and Beau,
both our dads are dead.
So we feel like we're entitled to kind of have a bit of crack about that.
It's dead right.
It's dead right.
And what would you say?
Some people don't like jokes
about that kind of thing.
They don't.
I think we're
hold on
what's the word I like to use
we irrelevant
no
are you kidding
speak for yourself
irrelevant
I mean
yeah
but also
irreverent
when people are like
oh so what does your dad do
well he's dead
he's dead
actually he's dead
thanks for bringing that up
thank you
thank you very much
for bringing up that
traumatic time in my life
I actually find it worse
I hate saying he's dead
sometimes I just
want to say it
because it causes
like
you just pretend
because you have to go
it's just
it's just a bit of a buzzkill
I kind of can't
death can do that to people
I'm 40
so like loads of 40 year olds
have dead parents
but my dad died when I was 16
so it was a bit of a
16
yeah I'm 16
I just turned 16
I was 16 a week
when he died
you must have been really annoying
right is that what happened
that's what happened
that's why I'm so
fucking angry
Joanne and I have decided fucking angry Joanne and I
have decided
sorry daddy
Joanne and I figured out
well Joanne was always
frightened of me
it would seem
but she's only figured out
recently that I'm
frightened of her
and do you know what
I'm absolutely thrilled
I really didn't think
she was
I would hate
to be in trouble
you know there's some people
because it's as well
as Fanny has a sister
called Nina
and she's like
have you met her?
no
she's the nicest person
in the world
oh we have met her
yeah and now I've actually
never seen her in a bad mood
with anyone
but like she is
like she's been presented
to the earth
by God himself
if he exists
but she is one of
the better people
we're really asking
the big questions
today aren't we
holy God are you there
hello
hey Mary
thank God it's me Val but like to be in trouble with someone like that would really terrify big questions today, aren't we? Holy God, are you there? Hello. Hey there. Thank God it's me, Val.
But like to be in trouble with someone like that
would really terrify me.
And because you don't really,
like we've never actually fought.
What?
Except that one time for about six minutes.
No, I think,
I think we are,
and we,
we and Val have spoken about this before.
We are actually,
because I think
when you start working with your friends,
all these other, all these other things you have to take into consideration.
Suddenly there's like, you're not just able to have the crack all the time.
There's conversations to be had, decisions to be made.
You're like a pit bull.
Yeah.
You're like, she is like a train.
Do you know what I mean?
She's just like, because of the mental health conditions.
because of the mental health conditions.
And so you're trying to bring these two,
I would say,
like quite ambitious personalities together.
And very different people.
And very different people.
And we've accidentally and very fortunately
become like basically business partners.
Yeah, yeah.
So we have to,
you're trying to manage all that as well.
I think we do exceptionally well.
So do I.
So do I. We fight way less than Spenny and I think we do Exceptionally well So do I So do I
We fight way less
We've never gotten physical
Speaking of fights
Oh my god
Holly and Phil
Oh my god
So I was on the phone
To one of the girls from home
About this this morning
And her
We were on the phone
For so long about it
Her phone overheated
Because the tea was so hot
Stop
And I lost connection with her
I will tell you something
And so
Like Okay There's more to There's so much more To the story because the tea was so hot and I lost connection with her I will tell you something and so like
okay
there's more to
there's so much more
to the story
but we don't know
if any of it is true
100%
allegedly
allegedly
allegedly
he didn't even get to say goodbye
on Thursday
he's worked there for 20 years
so something
isn't right
no it's proper toxic shit
so
but like the next day the kind of
goodbye Philip
segment by
Dermot and
Alison
did they have like
a memorial
kind of thing
it looked like
an obituary
it was just
and thanks so
much to the man
who was on the
K20s and then
just these like
clips of photos
of him it was
like he was dead
Eamon Holmes
can't get enough
of this shit
did you see Amanda
Holden posted
something as well are we going to talk you see Amanda Holden posted something as well
are we going to talk about her
well yeah
she posted something
she is real beef with him
now allegedly
it's about him
I didn't
well I'm not really
you know
I didn't know
but I know that you
you know her
well she didn't tell me
I don't know her
I've met her a few times
but she of course
didn't tell me anything about it
but I saw it
and I was like
ooh that must be about him
but
Eamonn Holmes cannot stop.
Eamon can't. He just can't. He can't. He's so enraged.
But I wonder what he did to Eamon Holmes and he hates Eamon Holmes so much.
Because I actually find Eamon Holmes very pleasant.
I've heard Ruth the same.
His wife listens to the pod.
I know.
Joanne is obsessed with the fact that his wife listens to the pod.
Love Ruth Langford.
I love Ruth.
She was our first celebrity listener.
And I love Holly as well.
I don't know Phil.
I don't want to go too deep on him
but like
I'm glad Holly's still there.
No I think there's a lot of stuff
going on in Philip's
this is what I can gather
personally
like his brother obviously
has just been sent to prison
for 12 years.
Some sort of
sexual misconduct with a minor.
12 years he gone.
I
when that happened
I was like oh I was kind of thinking I, when that happened, I was like,
oh, I was kind of thinking just about careers in general.
And I was like, if your sibling fucks up their life
and fucks up someone else,
like if your sibling is a criminal,
should that impact you?
No, because people are very different.
But, so I don't think that's what this is about.
Now, I think it's a hard thing to kind of
oh that
it's not
style out
that your brother sent
it's not
I don't think
any of this is about that
at all
well I think it plays a part
no it's a completely
different thing
this has been going on
behind the scenes
for a long
time
yeah a long time
I've heard a few bits
and bobs now
Jo's getting nervous
Jo's getting nervous Jo's getting nervous
so we'll stop
I want to tell you
no no no
hold on
who's going to take their
who's going to take their place
I think it's going to be
I do
I like Alison Hammond
I think Holly's staying
Holly's definitely staying
yeah
Ryan would be great
Ryan
he's got some free time now
put Ryan
no I think it will be
Alison Hammond
Alison Hammond
and Holly
oh do you think
they'll go two women
well what's wrong
with two women
nothing I just
I hate women
I'd hate to see two of them
start together
yeah I forgot about your
complete disdain for women
I just fucking hate them
no I think it will be
I think it will be
the two of them
well last week
I said that Holly and Phil
were not going to break up
and look at this week
so don't take my word
for gospel
they usually always pair
man woman
maybe Germaine O' leary but i'm
not being bad did you see that did you see that post of germinal leary dancing i couldn't take it
what did you has anyone seen that post of germinal so he was dancing in the radio show and he was
dancing along to sean i saw him in a slightly different light oh i know you don't fancy him
i don't fancy him anymore oh but i love allison Hammond and I have not I have yet to see her dance.
Don't get jealous.
Okay?
Hold it back.
Okay.
But
I'm going to see
Beyonce
next Tuesday.
See you next Tuesday
Beyonce.
Oh
so you're chipping in
for that 200 million pound
gaff she just bought
in America.
Can you and I've seen it. You know they paid in cash. oh so you're chipping in for that 200 million pound gaff she just bought in America can you
and I've seen it
you know they paid in cash
what the fuck
no
what do you mean
they paid in cash
no mortgage
nothing just
boom there you go
200 million
yeah just a bag of cash
well he has sold
he sold his champagne business
for like
they're billion
they're both equally billionaires
so like 200 million
is like
it's like me paying
for the 695
for the internet I'd say
yeah yeah yeah
which you wouldn't pay for
which I absolutely
wouldn't pay for
so I wouldn't have
touched that guy
but 200 million
200 million
like that's a couple
like that's
you couldn't even
fit that in one car
could you
no
200 million
imagine just tapping
200 million
tap tap
have you got a revolution
they already have a house
for 88 million
in Bel Air
they also have a New York 88 million in Bel Air they also have a
New York City
penthouse apartment
I love
and I love Jay-Z as well
Jay-Z Threat
is one of my favourite songs
in the whole world
by the way
by the way
I only like
listening to Gangsta
rap
and grime
that's all I listen to
it's true
so I love him
as much as I love Beyonce
I'm flat out in Girls Aloud
you do
I
the Girls Aloud mega mix,
I'm sorry.
Tell me a better track.
I don't know if you're serious or not.
I'm absolutely serious.
I want you to guess what the biggest,
the most expensive house on earth is.
Is it,
is this a trick question?
Is it Mars or something?
No,
no,
it's on actual earth.
It's on planet earth.
You'll know it.
It's like a landmark
oh is it like
Buckingham Palace
yes
ah
Buckingham Palace
for
now I don't know
who priced this
we'll see it on right move
in a few weeks
4.9 billion
yeah
4.9
now
I read this other story
about this man
who bought this house
like this
and it was all protected
I just read it last week
and so he bought this house
for 1.5 million
and the owner ripped every single thing
out of the house.
So every fireplace was ripped out.
Every light fixture was ripped out.
Just like went absolute nuclear on the place.
Oh my God.
You've just reminded me.
I did a shout out for Worth's Housemates.
Oh, I love that.
I don't want to like tell tales.
She says about to tell tales.
I'm not going to like be specific
but I spent
some time in a home
where I lived
and
it was like
it's not my home
it's not your home
and the girls
that I moved in
with at the time
they'd all moved
some of them moved out
most actually
they'd all moved out
I kind of overstayed
I was too
I wasn't there
if I was travelling around
I think that's
but that to me
makes the perfect house you're not there yeah but I had no rapport there was Travelling around or whatever But that to me Makes the perfect housemate
You're not there
Yeah but I had no rapport
There was two girls
That lived in the house
That I got on really well
But the other two
We just didn't really
Have any rapport
And em
But one of them
Like do you know
When you're like
I kind of checked out
Because I knew
I was going to be moving out
Yeah
But so I was like
I'm not going to get involved
In this
Fight
Because this is outrageous
Two girls moved in One of them moved her boyfriend
in with her didn't ask us no one asked us no no no no he was there for like four weeks five weeks
three weeks two weeks at a time never I just couldn't get over how rude it was and he was in
the house all the time because when he was there he had this kind of shift job where he'd go off
and work for months at a time and then come back. And he'd be in the house all day.
You'd come down in the morning and your child put on a wash.
He's there.
Did he have his own home or no?
No.
He was just, no.
They weren't from the UK.
But then the thing that I absolutely snapped.
One morning he told one of the other girls to keep it down in the kitchen.
He's like, yeah.
Stop.
Like, to quote one of our big philosophers
Aaron McGregor
the fucking neck of you
like the neck
of you
telling us
paying rent
you're not paying rent
he didn't pay any rent
no one asked us
could he stay
and he was
I mean
if your boyfriend
was staying for four nights
you'd be like
just a heads up
at one stage
he was there for a month
no
yeah a month
every day
all day
every day
yeah but people just
take the piss
when you live with them
sometimes
it's so rude
it boiled my blood
so much
but I was like
I'm moving out
I'm not getting involved
and then I
I didn't
I never said that
to him
but I went down
one morning
and his milk
was in the fridge
and he'd written
his name on it
oh
oh no
excuse me
milk
so basically
like don't
like I wasn't in a position
to use
any of his milk
did you drink every single
bit of that milk
I wish I had
I wish I had
I wouldn't be there
if I was living in the house
I love a real
I just obey
I'm a bit of a walker
I would have drank all that
I'm a submissive
anyway
I was like
the neck of this lad
to be rocking out
with a padlock on his milk
and he's not paying
a penny in rent
he paid towards the bills
which didn't impact me really
like it was like
a ten or less a month
something stupid
do you know what I mean
and no one ever said that
yeah but the fact that
you allowed him to pay
towards the bills
you probably thought
that he was entitled
to be there
but that's
that was done
by his girlfriend
oh god
I know
I'm lying
Taylor Swift
yeah I know
everyone is so obsessed
she's a miracle child
all she does
from what I can tell
is perform in the rain
how she has not been
electrocuted
I cannot understand
she's like an angel
sent from heaven
she looks amazing
as well
she's literally standing
in electric storms
with like golf clubs
in her hands
and microphones
and fucking guitars
and like toasters
and ovens
and everything
I don't understand it
I used to live
with this girl
and actually
she's not a bad roommate
she was a really
really nice roommate
but she used to bring
guys home
and like
it happened twice
where basically they just robbed her
and left in the morning.
So like, I was like, okay, I can't leave.
I don't feel like I can leave my stuff out.
They sold her iPad.
They sold her iPod as well.
Remember we used to have little iPods?
Sold her iPod.
Oh my God, I'm very attracted to this man.
Who is he?
Strong-headed advice.
All this shit.
I'd be like, oh my God.
And another thing. So alpha. I love. Another thing that man. Who is he? Strong-headed advice. All this shit. And I'd be like, oh my God. And another thing.
So alpha.
I love.
Another thing that happened.
Oh my God.
She had her parents over for food.
And her family was really nice in fairness.
But they came over for food and they're having pizza.
And I just had come in from work.
And I went into the kitchen.
And I saw the bathroom scissors on the kitchen counter.
And I said. Oh, I know. I guess I better know what this is. Why are the bathroom scissors on the kitchen counter and I said
Oh I know. I guess I better know what this is.
Why are the bathroom scissors
on the kitchen counter?
We've been cutting our pizza
with them. Oh!
The bathroom scissors are the
scissors I use to
maintain my area.
So she
had been using the pube
scissors
on her family's
pizza
I know
I'm pretty sure
they cut a toenail too
oh my god
I know
who goes looking
in a bathroom cabinet
for a pizza cutter
I know
you just like
the scissors are in the bathroom
because of the bathroom scissors
what's wrong with these people
I don't know trim your pubes with the scissors are in the bathroom because of the bathroom scissors. What's wrong with these people? I don't know.
Trim your pubes with the scissors.
Don't eat the pizza.
So that was my
roommate stories.
I used to live with Amber
and she's honestly
I think she is
Ireland's newest dictator.
She will
You have been in her company
My Stalin
you haven't seen anything
until you've seen Amber Williams.
So yeah
so I was like
does anyone have any bad housemate stories because it's it's that it's kind of Miles Stalin, you haven't seen anything until you've seen Amber Williams. So yeah, so I was like,
does anyone have any bad housemate stories?
Because it's that, it's kind of a,
it's a bit of a weird situation because you're just living with these strangers.
You're just sharing a space with these people
and you don't know them.
You very rarely have a loyalty towards them.
I'd rather be with somebody
than not be with somebody though.
I wouldn't be able to live on my own.
What would I be like?
I'd be horrible.
Yeah, you wouldn't, it wouldn't suit you now. But when I first moved to London, I didn't want to be on my own either because I live on my own. What would I be like? I'd be heartbroken. Yeah, it wouldn't suit you now.
But when I first moved to London,
I didn't want to be on my own either
because I was on my own so much for work
that I was like, I can't.
I need to wake up in the morning
and hear like a shower or a radio or something
so I don't feel like I'm the only human alive.
Do you know what I mean?
Have you noticed that I tried to give you
a break on tour, by the way?
What do you mean?
A Vogue break.
I try not to always
be in your space
because I know you're
like you like your alone time
no but I actually
really enjoy you being around
okay that's fine
I won't do that anymore
tough luck
oh shit
I'll see you at 7am
see you in the toilet
in five
I'm on the toilet
I'll just pull across
the shower
and be like
boo
you said you liked
my company
I don't know why
you're laughing Jo
I'll be up to you next
no I think that's
I think that's a really
admirable trait
but when I first moved
I didn't want to be
on my own
but that's why I lived
in that shared house
which I really enjoyed
at the start
but now I would
I would be okay
being on my own
really
well you'd be in my house
most of the time
well it was me
7 and 7 you wouldn't be
I like the option
I like
the nice thing about your house
is I can go down
and just chill out there
I don't like
really even have to
see you guys
yeah that's true
it's true
sometimes she does
I don't know if she's there
or not
so it's lovely having the company
you're buzzing around
and Amber will come in
we'll have a chat
and then you just go back
and I'll just go back to the couch
and it's
it's so relaxed that's what's really nice I love hearing that about my in we'll have a chat and then you just go back and I'll just go back to the couch and it's so relaxed
that's what's really nice
I love hearing that
about my house
because I have a really
open door policy
if you're ever in the area
you know Jo
you can come in
and I want people
to be happy in the house
I think that's a boundary
we don't need to cross Jo
I think we can be professional
tell me some of the stories
about what we got sent in
a reoccurring theme
was people moving in
with friends
and then it like
completely ending
the relationship
no
yeah one girl
like this was
there was loads of ones
like this
moved in with my best friend
after college
we didn't talk for 10 years
after I moved out
discovered she was
an absolute skanky bitch
she made soup
two months later
I finally moved out
soup was still in the pot
on the cooker
as I put the keys back in the letterbox.
Yeah, but you know what?
That's also, that is also her fault.
You have to lay boundaries and be like,
you can't like leave a shared space like that.
That's why I said to my little brother
when he was moving out, I was like,
Alzo, anything in a communal area,
because he would used to come in
and he'd drop his shoes and his bags up in the kitchen.
I'd be like, you can't do that.
Because everyone does that.
The kitchen's full of shite.
Take it and put it in your room yeah
and now he is
he is like well for his sister
yeah I think it does
I think some people need
some extra lessons
in domesticity
I certainly did
like I
I find myself
I
I'm
I expel a lot of energy
in some areas of my life
and I don't at all
in like
cleaning up
I just I have no interest in doing it I don't at all in like cleaning up I just have no interest
in doing it I don't think there's anything wrong I would know that you just think there's no issue
there I would know that you were in my house from the from the way things left and not that she's
left it really messy because she'll have attempted to clean up but I know the way Joanne cleans yeah
it's like it's you know it's it's can't it's it's just moving things into different places
so next one go get us another one when Vogue was like
oh I see
you make a bed like Spencer
and I was like
that seems
laden with judgement
em
oh yeah
I lived with a girl in college
who was absolutely
nuts
but she was also
a fantastic entrepreneur
every night out
she would pretend
she was called Gabby
and that she was a yoga instructor
she'd bring a fella home
sleep with him
and then ask him for 30 quid
for the morning after pill
even though she had the implant.
Oh my god.
She had more money
than all of us put together
because she'd get the ride
every second day of the week.
She'd also steal
the one and two euros
I made on tips
from working a bar job
off my bedroom floor.
Stop.
These had fallen out
of my back pocket
when I exhausted
got into bed
after a 10 hour shift
she always denied this
despite being the only
other person in the house
I know
I used to live
obviously I used to live
with my dad
but when I got kicked out
from living with my mum
I lived with my dad
and my dad was like
a heavyish drinker
that's a nice way
of putting it
he was a heavy drinker
and so like
he would come and sit
in the couch and he'd watch TV and then and so like he would come and sit on the couch
and he'd watch TV
and then the next day
I would go and shove
my hand in the cage
I swear to god
I found notes
and everything
they all just fell
out of his pocket
I'd be loaded
you're like one of those
kids in the fountain
and where is the
where is the fountain
Trevi Fountain
Trevi Fountain
yeah
making up words
this one
my friend had a housemate
who refused to chip in
for toilet paper
because he insisted
he was taking all
his shits at work
stop
that's the most
annoying when
someone won't
buy toilet paper
like come on
buy toilet paper
me and my
housemate went to
do our weekly shop
at our local
Asda's
we paid separately
at the self-service till
as I approached the exit
with my housemate
we got stopped by security
and marched back
doing the full walk of shame
to a small room
where it emerged
my housemate
had basically tried
to pass off
chicken breasts
and hair dye
as a bunch of bananas
no
I was none the wiser
and sat flabbergasted
while she was on her knees
begging for forgiveness
and to not call the police
on her
she even offered
to run around the shop naked
they eventually caved
with the understanding
we would never step foot
back in our Asda again
I mean the amount of people
that must be doing that
at the self-serve
come on
I don't know
so I heard this kind of people that must be doing that at the self-serve come on I don't know so I heard this
kind of loose
bit of data
that they know
how much they lose
on people
throwing stuff in
at something else
but it's not
it's still cheaper
than hiring staff
it is
yeah
so what you're saying
is keep robbing
absolutely
rob responsibly kids
rob responsibly
I had a friend
who just refused
to pay for coffee
so she just used to
rob a zero
like she just was like
I'm not paying for a zero
how would she rob coffee though
just stick it down her pants
or whatever
oh my god
yeah she'd pay for
everything else
she was like
I just can't bring myself
to pay seven quid
for a
like a tin of coffee
and I was like
well it is quite pricey
it is actually
my friend Johanna and I when we lived in I'd be honoured if I was a zero I'd be like that's quite flattering well my friend of coffee and I was like well it is quite pricey it is actually my friend Johanna and I
when we lived in
I'd be honoured if I was a zero
I'd be like that's quite flattering
well my friend Johanna and I
were in San Francisco
and we had no money
because we were on a J1
which is a visa
that you get to go and live
in the summer
and basically you've no money
we used to just walk around
the supermarket
and be like eating packets of ham
and yogurts
yeah yeah yeah
you'd be getting stuck in
you'd have like a seven course
tasting menu
yeah
my housemate
kept a potty in her room
oh no
so the only thing
that made
it's just the term potty
and no
she didn't have any
medical issues
which meant she couldn't
get to the toilet
she was just a dirty
lazy bitch
and we found out
because she left it
when she moved out
what
Theodore came out of it
came out of the toilet
with Sven
and he was like daddy you did a the toilet with Spen and he was like
Daddy did a wee wee
in the sink
and I was like
what
I was like Spen
you didn't just do that
with tea
and he was like
well he was using the toilet
I was like
Spenny
it's terrible
a bathroom had to go
three sick times
we're gonna have to go now
we're gonna
I'm more Vogue
no Joanne
we have to go
we might add something
to the bonus
because we actually
do have to go on stage
I've been Vogue Williams she's been Joanne McNally and we are might add something to the bonus because we actually do have to go on stage I've been Vogue Williams
she's been Joanne McNally
and we are off
to do our show
in Glasgow
which we have tickets
left
for the 7th and 8th
of June
because we're coming back
to see you
because you're sound
so we'll see you
on the 7th and 8th
yeah
7th and 8th of June
isn't it
yeah
and it's such a nice room
it is
it's cool
yeah
daddy
thanks everyone
let's go