My Therapist Ghosted Me - Salad Bars, Roasted by Chat GPT & Being Demure

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

This week Vogue & Joanne get roasted by Chat GPT, assess their 'demurity', chat dildos, ingenious salad bars & finally discuss the Molly Mae and Tommy Fury break up.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. You look like you're up to something. I'm not. I'm actually not. I just had a heavy night last night, so I'm a little bit tender. Oh, no. Tell us about your heavy night. Come on, you know, I love knowing when people are hungover. Are you a bit hungover? Yeah. Hello and welcome to My Therapist.

Ghosted me with me, Vogue Williams and... Jouá, McNally. I think I've given fake news that I'm not drinking anymore because people keep messaging me, congratulating me or whatever. And I'm like, no, I'm just not drinking as much, but I am. I'm back in the sauce. I read an article and I just posted, I obviously wrote this before Spenny went away because I was like, I'm not going to drink when Spenny went away. I'm off the booze.

I'm off the booze. And then the article went up the other day. Now, in fairness, I've only had a couple of drinks, but it was like, I stopped drinking. Now I feel more lonely than ever. And I'm like, why are you so glammed up? I woke up like this. It's just how I look every day. I've got my hair and makeup done because I have to go to an event straight after this. Also speaking of events, I'm assuming you're going to go to Trini's event because I just

got an invite through. So we shall go together. I didn't get an invite through. So we shall go together. I didn't get an invite through. Obviously you will. I've been blacklisted. Because she saw my bathroom and she's like, what a pig. I'm surprised she didn't send her cleaner over. OK, I would like to talk about Tommy Fury and Molly May.

I was wondering if you were going to be in touch with that. And I didn't bring it up myself. OK, so here's where I stand on it. I know them by general osmosis. I don't dislike them. I hate when people say, oh, I don't know them. This isn't news. I don't like when people do that.

I certainly don't like it when they do it to me. So I'm not going to do it to anyone else. Who's she? What does she do? Oh, the amount of lads. I don't have a clue who you are. My missus. I'm like, I don't care. I don't know who you are, whether it's fine. This is like the biggest breakup since Princess Diana broke up with fucking Charles. I've never seen a kickback like it.

So many people out there. I just saw Tyson Fury, not Tyson Fury. What's his name? With the tattoo, the boxer. Your man, yeah. Michael. Mike Tyson. I just heard him saying, because someone asked him about the breakup. He's like, who the fuck is Molly? Yeah, like I don't I never appreciate that. If enough people are talking about us, it's worth chatting about. I don't like when people buzz off the fact that they don't know people.

It kind of bothers me. I'm somebody who even if I don't know somebody, I'm thrilled. I want to know about it. I want to know everything. Yeah, if your granny and granddad break up or even if any of their friends broke up, I still want to know about it. Imo, if your granny gets knocked up by a lad she doesn't know, I want all the details. Yeah.

100%. I want everything. Yeah, of course. Sure, sometimes when I retell a story I have to explain who they are. Anyway, she's pregnant. That's kind of gone by like. But yeah, I've never seen anything like it. I know. Do you know what?

I know there's the whole thing around that it was cheating, but at the end of the day, you'll probably never know. So stop trying to look into it and leave them alone. Sorry, now I put on my cynicism hat. Of course, allegedly for legality reasons, but like I have no doubt in my mind that he was cheating. Sorry. Sorry. That he was cheating. That's where I am in my life, where I am myself, where I am in my personal journey.

Am I projecting? Yeah. Oh come on. There's already a story in the Daily Mail about him texting some young one. Anyway. It's all to come out. I would like to say. May I just get a fucking help myself? They're like a dog. Why is a dog naked balls? Because it can. I've had every opportunity to cheat this month and I'm happy to say that I haven't yet.

Who are you cheating with? Okay? I said I've had every opportunity. From who? I mean no one's come near me if that's what you mean. I'm just saying that I've been free. Oh sorry, you could have spun out of the way. Had I have brought myself out and about or got myself on the apps, I could have.

Do you know what? I said, no, I'm not going to do it. I'm a good person. I haven't done it yet. I will say to you as a married woman who's husband away and maybe you had opportunities to cheat as a single person, I've had no opportunities to cheat. No one's come near me. I just don't. As you said, you haven't got the fancy blow yet. It's that crazy. You're not going to get anyone with that hair.

You're not. I know you're right, it's too flat. At least. Why do you think I'm growing the hair? It's like I've gone invisible since I got a bob. People are like, who's that fucking granny? It makes me. Anyway, I do find, I feel, I actually feel sorry for the whole situation because I'd hate to be in that. It's so. Public breakup is the worst. Yeah. And she obviously knows something. Because you're just a bit scarlet as well. Yeah. You've

got to pick a side now. You've got to pick a side. Always on Money Maker. I wouldn't care if he gave every ounce of blood in his body and all his organs to charity. Another person I would like to take sides with in breakups is Ruth Langsford. We're team Ruth. Oh! 100%. Everybody is team Ruth. She is the queen of the world. Oh, we're team Ruth. Of course we are.

I was always team Ruth in fairness. I have to say, and this is my own bias, even if a woman killed her husband, I'd probably wonder what he did. Isn't that terrible? Now, if I was in a position like you where I could get away with saying something like that, I most definitely would. I'd wonder what he did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, let's hear her story. Let's block her off. We haven't heard. Although, we haven't heard what she has to say. Let's see what he was up to. Speaking of women again, picking up women, I went to Sister Act with Theodore and Gigi yesterday.

Alexandra Burke, have you ever heard her sing? I haven't heard her sing, but I know for a fact that she brought, do you not know Alexandra? Do you not know the story about Alexandra Burke bringing elephants in the room to the UK? I don't think we can talk about that. I'm trying to sing. Oh my God. Sorry. We are talking about it. Alexandra Burke sat on this morning with Phil and Holly,

her song was called Elephant in the Room. And they were like, Elephant in the Room, why is it called that? And she was like, I was with this guy in America. And then we broke up, we were working together. And there was, in America, there's this saying called Elephant in the Room. And I just thought, wow, how apt. And then I thought, no we were working together and there was in America, there's this saying called elephant in the room. And I just thought, wow, how apt. And then I thought, no one in England has heard this.

So Alexander coined elephant in the room and I for the record coined an early bird catches the worm. And I coined, we've done this before. I've coined there's great drying outside because I'm always doing my washing. You have. You have! So Alexander is on the same bus as us or boat. The gas thing is that she really taught that. And look, I'm not even slagging her off.

I'm impressed by it. I love it. I love a bit of Jalilin. It's a guana anyway. I absolutely loved her. And it was like, I know I don't have a good singing voice. Like, I already know that, but it was only when she started singing and I was like, wow, like I really don't have a good singing voice at all. Oh, she's a great singer.

She's a fantastic voice. Wasn't she on X Factor? Isn't that where she came from? She came up via X Factor. She did Hallelujah and everyone loved her then. She's an absolute knockout. Her skin. What was that thing?

Because I had to ask her. No, she does something to her skin. I forget what it was. She uses a specific product. I'm going to text her because it's a Bapanthan. No, it's not Bapanthan. I saw Bapanthan in Amber's bedroom. I think she's using it now because of you. I thought so. Anyway. Okay. What should I do? What did I want to tell you? Not that you care, but I got my phone fixed. Come on, hit me. Who are these iPhones made for? I know that, I don't know. First of all, I was like, how did that bitch get everything onto her new phone talking about you? Because I was like, I don't understand.

I just burned out my life. I'm like, everyone on that old phone is dead to me now and I can only engage with new people. That's what I'm having to do. I don't have anyone's old WhatsApp. I have nothing like that. All my notes are gone. Just move on. Alza was like, my brother Alza was just like, what's wrong with you? I don't understand. Like how can you not understand? Just go on to iCloud. I did. I went on to iCloud. Vogue, I'm the exact same. I don't understand. I've old phones. I've friendships that I lost four years ago because I moved on to a new phone and I have never seen them since. It's just, it's an opportunity to just call people from your life who actually meant a lot to you

but you just don't know how to get them onto your new phone. Like my mother, if I can't put her on the new phone, that's it. She's out. I did lose over a hundred WhatsApp messages which is good because I wasn't able to get through them so now I only have 337 unread messages, which makes me feel way more comfortable. Do you know that if you tap your phone to someone now with the new phones, they electrocute information into the next one? Did you know that? I did because Alza showed me.

What I can't understand is why did... No, it's not just him. Amber, who's like older than both of us. She's a boomer. I don't understand. Why can't we do? What classes did you go to? Because I missed it. It wouldn't be for me now. Like I'd be operating off a landline. Do you remember the call cards? What's a call card for a phone? Do you not remember the call cards? They were like, basically little, like they looked like bank cards and they had a chip on them.

This is when Ireland went, I assumed the world went digital and then real. It was like when they brought out CDs and were like, this actually doesn't work because they're getting scratched and shit. So what was the call card? Call card was, call card looked like a bank card, had a chip on it. And all the phones then were turned into, you couldn't put money in them. You had to put this card in it. And you'd ring your mum and get her to collect it from the train station. You don't remember call cards?

I was on the line. And then people collected them because they'd bring them out. Like one year they'd have like the millennium call card. They were like the milk bottles. I just had, I told you I had star 103 star put in their number hash and then they get a please call me. You miss the call cards. They're still floating around. They're collector's items now. Interesting. We learn something new every day. But anyway, I had real problems with my phone. I had a whole day without the phone. It was the worst day ever. I couldn't buy anything because you forget that everything is on the phone. I actually didn't have a buying card with me in Ireland because I was like, why would I need one? I've got my phone.

I am doing, there's variety shows up in Edinburgh. I'm still at the Fringe, that used to pay in cash. So I was like, book me in, because obviously cash is king. And now there's no cash, because they said no one uses cash, so there's no cash. They're like, we can't pay you in cash, because no one pays us in cash. The cash is gone. Cash is gone. There was a woman I saw, I was doing my Instagram real things where you look at everyone doing shit.

There was a woman on Instagram, right, and she was like, you all want to see how I stock up my salad bar? And I was like, what? Oh my God, I saw her! Did you? Yeah! How good is that? What genius has a salad bar?

What genius has a salad bar? A whole... it's like she's in a deli so she has a refrigerated unit with a counter on it and in the refrigerated side she chops everything up for the week so gets the salad ready, gets the tomatoes, the mushrooms. She did the Brussels sprouts, see the Brussels sprouts she did in the air fryer? Pop them in and for the whole week there's bread all underneath, different kinds of bread, all washed fruit underneath, and she's usually run out of fruit before the end of the week. The glory of putting it in a salad bar is there's no judgment. You could put fucking waffles and chips in that thing.

You're like, it's in the salad bar. Help yourself to the lard in the salad bar. I saw her, yeah. We're like, I would expect more from you. You seem like someone who could potentially rock a salad bar. I saw her, yeah. Where, like, I would expect more from you. You seem like someone who could potentially rock a salad bar. I certainly do not. Only because I wouldn't be arse restocking it, but fuck me, I'd have a gout of it.

It looks insane. She restocks that shit twice a week. Twice a week she restocks it and her family eat the whole. She must have loads of kids. No, but I have loads of kids and they don't, they wouldn't eat all that shit. I just thought it was amazing, because think about it, you could make an omelette,

what you feel like saying, omelette, all the shit's already chopped. Put it in. Done. All I do is get the onions pre-cut. I'm like, oh, I'm brilliant now. I don't have to cut those onions. There they are.

They're in the bag there. But to have a whole salad bar. All I eat is rocket tomatoes and the pre-chopped onions. That's why the internet's great. Because people who are way more evolved than you, and you realize that you've somewhere secretly had a lobotomy, and you're operating at level zero, and they're operating at level 15. I can't believe you saw the salad bar.

I saw the salad bar. She must be viral Vogue. She must be viral. Is she viral? There was like two million hits and I was like that and she deserves those hits. Ah! Hun D.P. speaking of viral. Yeah? Can we talk about Demure? I would love to talk about Demure. Do you know what it means? Obviously I'm betting to Demureness and Demurity.

What I love is that we, this summer has been, there's so much going on. There's been brash, there's been rot, there's been feral, there's been everything. And now we're finishing the season with demurity, according to Gilles. And I'm like, do you know what? Yeah, the pressure to be feral and rotty is too much. I'd much rather just be demure. Very cutesy. Mindful. Now, Joanne, I have to be honest with you.

I have to be honest with you. I'm checking with TikTok every now and again just to shout people out. It's on the TikTok, isn't it? It's amazing the stuff that takes off. So it was this fella, a TikToker. So it was actually a TikToker called Jules LeBron said people should act very demure and very mindful. No, Joanne, no offence. Right. Oh, come on. Cause neither am I, but you are not demure. No, do you know what though? Your dad right. And do you know what though? Jules wasn right. And do you know what though? Jules wasn't demure when she started.

So she's like, her fucking TikTok is so funny. Okay, couple of points on this. One, she said she used to be a wild bitch and now she's learned demurity, which isn't a word, but she's like, I used to be fucking crazy. She's demure now. And she's like, very demure, very cutesy. She's like bringing it all back in

and being more contained with herself physically and mentally where she was like a loose bitch. I think it's so interesting. Now, firstly, I would say Vogue, you are definitely demure. I, Joanne, I'll tell you why I'm not demure. I've written points on this because I thought that you would fight back more about the demurity of yourself. Totally right. on this because I thought that you would fight back more about the gemurity of yourself.

The reasons you were not a gemurer. One, you drank five mini wines on a train. Oh, I see. This is shaming. Yeah. Kink shaming me. Wine is my kink. Fine. Go on. Two, you started a fight with a man on the Northern line. Do I shame you for having three kids? No, I don't. I'm a kid kink. And do I say anything about that? No, I don't. I've got a kid kink vogue. And do I say anything about that? No, I don't. Make your point. You fought with a man on the Northern line and he threw a banana at you. That was a racist attack. You're blaming me for that. That was racism. Final point. You were not softly spoken.

You led me down the garden path there to scream, didn't you? So here's why I'm not demure because I was the victim of a racist hate crime. All right, come on. You led me down the garden path there to scream, didn't you? You riled me up. So I'm not Demure because I was the victim of a racist hate crime. All right, come on. Next. The banana in your head. Call the guards on him and I didn't because I'm Demure. I'm going to have him sent down but I didn't.

All right, come on. I'm not Demure because of my toilet humor. I'm very heavy footed. Just because you've got a wide gate. Vogue, you are demure. You could win Rosa Tralee, I would say. Joanne, you are more feminine than I am. Like if we actually thought about it, you never burp or anything. I've never seen you burp. Not once. You're actually fucking dead right? I am cutesy Demure and you're so white. Not a single bit of her, mate. She's not disgusting.

I have no bodily functions at all. No, I'm just like solid all the way through. Do you know who's Demure? Spenny's mom, Demure. Oh Jane, she's super Demure. Jennifer Garner, for some reason I feel like she's demure. Jules, who was the Queen of Demure, she's now everywhere. She's on all these talk shows and stuff. Do you know what I really wonder though? What happens to these people who have this viral moment

and everyone just wants to inhale them and eat them and suck them up? And then what happens to them? So like all these celebrities are doing these demure moments on red carpets and stuff and jewels. And fairness now, she said she's made enough money to kind of transition medically and all that stuff, which is fantastic. But where does she go? Do you know what I think she should do? What? She needs to monetise.

She needs to be smart. She needs to bring out a make-up line called demure. Because she's a make-up artist. She needs to capitalise now or else she's going to disappear into ether like Reagan. Here's the thing though, the only thing is that makeup industry is very full of people and it is Demure but it's very full of people. It was like the Hawk to a girl. I know it's very different but she brought out all this merch. I know. I just think there's a way to do it and I don't know what the way is. I've never had a viral moment, but there's something she needs to be taken in,

managed and given. She needs to make this, she needs to figure out how to capitalize on this. And I don't know how she does that. Well, that's fantastic advice. She will be delighted to hear that advice. Call her there. Tell her she needs to capitalize. You need to capitalize but I don't know what the fuck you should be doing. She was on Jimmy Fallon and everything. She's everywhere. She's created a movement, but it was like, what's his name? She's also crying on her TikTok because she's completely overwhelmed by all of this.

Who else had a real big viral moment? The only one I remember is Hocktooth. Yeah, apparently. Like she's kind of gone now. Exactly. So that's what happens. You just have a viral. But I know I met a girl before and like she had, I think she had like 200,000 followers and I was like, oh, what you do? And she was like, oh, I just put a picture, a selfie up on Instagram one day and it just ended up going viral.

It just randomly went viral and then she got all these, like all these followers and that's just, but nothing actually came of it. It's hard to try and. That's what I mean. You can be the moment, but you're like, how do you keep it going? How do you turn it into something that you can live off basically? I don't know if it's true. Basically Vogue, I'm saying we do not want to go viral because we won't know what to do. We just can't stay below par at all times average. Mediocrity is key. I think mediocrity is the key to long term success. A hundred percent. Now, although you're not demure, you are definitely abrasive as am I. I think that's a more fitting word. We should start an abrasive trend. We could be

abrasive. Be more abrasive. Alad the other day was like, you're very, I find you very hostile. What were you saying? Were you telling him to go fuck himself? I assume I was. Yeah. Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck do you think you are? I didn't read back my messages. I just got offended by what he said to me. He said you're really hostile. I know that you were right and he was wrong.

100%. We don't even need to know what happened before that. All we know is it was inappropriate what he said, regardless of what I said beforehand. Exactly. It was completely his fault. And besides, you don't need him because I found a new man for you. Hit me. I love when you bring me wildly inappropriate man to date. Go on. Did you spot Robert De Niro jumping off his yacht in the Mediterranean? I did not, but tell me more. He looked very able and very sexy.

Able. That's the bare minimum, but I'm here for it. Still in the movies. And I thought to myself, she won't want him around all the time and he's older. So like, he's not going to be here for a long time. Focus. I found this man. around the other day. It was very funny. It was like these lads overly like the way you laugh at someone's jokes when you know they have a yacht and they're like laughing so hard. They're like falling over and everything. I was like, I mean, a yacht trumps everything. That's demure as y on acid. It's actually the opposite of demure, but we know what it means and we love it. Do you know him personally or?

No, I don't. I just know he's vacationing in the med. I think that you could pop out there and see if he could find him. He'll want to get away from the baby. He's a new baby. He, as I said, he's in his eighties. Perfect. You won't have to put up with him for too long. Then the odd is mine. I saw a 96 year old man. A 96 year old man got married and then died three weeks later.

What was the point? Who did he marry? I don't know. Some woman, but he died. Some smart bitch. That was the fucking point. Vogue, if you got a cancer diagnosis, I'd propose immediately. Just, you know.

I've always had these feelings for you Vogue. Touch wood, I'm scared. I wouldn't give a fuck. I'd be like, there, you know. I've always had these feelings for you, Vogue. Touch wood, I'm scared! I wouldn't give a fuck. I'd be like, there's a lump in your breast. Vogue, I've always had feelings for you. I just think that we would live a nice, happy life together. It's stage six, is it? Can I talk to you outside for a second?

I don't know if there is a stage six. There isn't. There isn't. That's why I said it, because I thought maybe it would stay in if it was ludicrous. I was looking up. I did this chat. There's a thing, an IMO actually pointed it out to us. It's Chat GPT.

I always thought it was GBT. Chat PPTT. Yes, hit me. It's the future. It's the Terminator is on the internet now. Go. So there's this thing that's gone viral again. It's called, everyone knows Chat GBT, which is the AI thing. Terminator on the internet now, go! So there's this thing that's gone viral again, it's called, everyone knows chat gbt, which

is the AI thing. Terminator on the internet, yeah. Yeah, your man with the swords for hands. Arnold Schwarzenegger is now doing focus groups and giving out chat on the internet. He's giving up the politics and this is what he's up to. And people have been getting it to take the piss out of their Instagram and roast them. So I got it to roast me and you. And I took out the worst meanest bits because I just thought we don't need that.

Oh no, now I want to, now all I want to know is the meanest bits. Send me them privately please so I can hate myself. Okay, hit me. I'll be like, yeah, fair, yeah, fair. Yeah, I'll probably just sleep. As upset as I was like that, it's fair enough. You're dead right.

One of the funniest conversations I ever had was with James Kavanaugh, who is he's an Irish. I wouldn't even call him an influencer anymore. He's more than that, but he's a very good friend of mine. And he was saying he's been slagged off on this website. And I was like, what are they saying about you? And he's like, oh, this and this. And he went, it's all true. And we laughed and laughed and laughed. You got to own your shit. Anyway, go on, hit me. I don't mind if someone's slagging me off and it's true. I don't really mind as much

as if they've made up shite. Yeah, when it's fake news, that's the most frustrating part because you're like, I can't defend myself. Anyway. Okay, here's my Instagram. Vogue Williams's Instagram is like a how to be basic 101 manual wrapped in the feds and filters. Sorry, offensive. Go on. If I had a dollar for every time she posted a picture in work gear, I could afford to never see another Fits Vogue post again. That's fair enough.

That is fair and true. Yeah. I agree with that. Chachi BT is just jelly, but go on, just jelly. Her captions are like an endless motivational calendar. That calendar was stuck on repeat with phrases like live, laugh, love and chase your dreams. Now I don't agree with that. I'm not a big captioner. I actually don't agree with that.

I think your captions are actually fun. I don't agree with that. And I'd be the first to say it. I don't agree with that. You would'd be the first to say it. I don't agree with that. You would say it underneath the caption. I would. I'd comment below. Yeah, I would.

If folks say she loves one more skincare brand, I might start questioning if her bathroom looks like a Sephora exploded in it. Tell you what, couldn't be truer. My bathroom looks like... It does look like... I love skin core. Skin core? Skin care more than anything in the world. A hundred percent. I love skin care. Oh my God. So that's not even offensive.

I'd ride myself with a serum if I could. Go on. Oh, a hundred percent. And the family content because nothing says relatable mom, like perfectly staged photos of her kids. Like they walked out out of a Ralph Lauren ad. I thought I was very. Sorry it's not your fault your kids are hot. Sorry I take offense to that. It's not your fault. The whole thing about the Ralph Lauren ad that made me really happy. Your kids are hot. That's not your fault.

Your not going to ugly fire your kids for the Instagram. What else? I will no longer be Paris filtering them. I've gotten, I've got like a twitch for the Paris filter. Even my dogs are getting filtered. I'm filtering sunsets. I'm like Paris. I just, it has to be always Paris. That's an illness. Okay. So here's yours. Oh, Jesus Christ. Alright, go on. Joanne McNally's Instagram is like a chaotic blend of late night thoughts,

questionable fashion choices and enough sarcasm to drown a room full of stand up comedians. Questionable fashion choices? How fucking dare it? I actually think the rest of that is true, but I won't say it about the fashion choices. I know exactly what I'm doing. I don't question any of my fashion choices. No, you're very... Look at us having a fight with a robot. We're fighting with robots. I did wear a pair of jorts yesterday that were ill-advised, but go on! Next!

Okay. And her stories, it's like a roller coaster of rants, random thoughts and the kind of humor that makes you question whether she's a comedic genius or just needs more sleep. Wow. Get loads of sleep. Wow. I'm dying to know what the mean bits were, but come on. Okay. I'll do one more.

In summary, Joanne's Instagram is a wild ride through the mind of someone who's constantly on the verge of either a breakdown or a breakthrough. And she's taking all of us along the ride, whether we're ready or not. I think that's a, I like, I would way prefer to have yours. Yeah, because you've taken out the mean bits, which. Oh, yours weren't that mine. No, mine were meaner. How do you do that? Like how do I get that? I can't even, I can't get my contacts in my phone. How do you think I'm going to find

out about that? I had to get someone to do it for me. I saw it on the viral web and I said, find that out for me and I'll take out the mean bits. That other pod that I'm making about the Furbies. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. We met this crypto fucking security dude and he put the dark web on my laptop. How'd you get that?

I don't understand. Is it on Chrome or Safari? I don't understand. Is it on Chrome or Safari? What I don't understand. Certainly not on Safari. He downloaded the browser. Did he not spend time with you to know that he shouldn't be giving you of all people the dark web? He spent time with me and said you're the exact person who deserves the dark web.

I don't. I'm going to go to Joanne's house. She's just going to have like 30 rifles in there. I'm shopping for assassins, hand grenades, I'm flat out. Zara hasn't got a look in in weeks. Did you see when Angelina Jolie said that she knew she tried to hire a hitman to kill her when she felt, I know. And then the hitman, who knew they had a conscience and he just said, I just think you should

sit with this for a couple of weeks. and then she decided, okay, fine. It's so extra. Like I'm an Angelina fan, but like it's just so extra to hire. If you're going to do it, just do it yourself. I think she is extra though. I think she is extra. She is. Yeah. She scored her brother. Yeah. It's pretty extra. Oh God. That was so weird. Wasn't it? Yeah. I only score Al's. I don't score Frederick because Frederick is not my type. Exactly. And I feel like Amber would get too attached

if I scored her. So I say, well, did you hear about the dildos? No. Tell me everything. So, supposedly, I love it. Yeah, Gwenn. Supposedly, there's a load of dildos that keep getting found in Dublin airport. Like somebody stuck a dildo to a wall in the bathroom in Dublin airport and people are just going around putting dildos over all over Dublin Airport, which I thought were so chic. That must be a pure campaign. Someone's raising awareness for dildos. I assume. No?

I just think it makes us seem really sound and just like out there as a country. I'm really proud of us. We're very sexually progressive now, which we were quite sexually repressed previously, but now we're just like dildos on a wall, just like balls out. I love it. Now I'd be scared now. I imagine going into the bathroom and you just see someone humping the wall. Like, uh oh. That's too much now, yeah. No, that's too much. They need to be put into cubicles for like private use.

And I thought of a fantastic present for anyone who, well actually I hope this doesn't happen, but maybe for older people, if your husband dies, so this woman basically got a dildo made out of her husband's ashes. Yes. Great idea. I thought that was so clever. But I don't know if he'd, I don't know if I would appreciate being made into a dildo. I just don't.

There is a consent issue there for sure. But once your ashes are gone, someone owns them, it's their property. They can make you into a dildo if they so wish. I suppose. You know, remember that lad who snorted his mother at the wake? Or at the afters? No. It was in the paper years ago. Basically, his mother was cremated and he was having an after party. And obviously it was rough and ready and they were all getting stuck in, blah, blah, blah.

And they whipped out his mum and they, you know, they snorted her. Yeah. I have a friend. We're supposed to go now. I prefer that than being made into a dildo, but I have a friend and she listens to this pod, so I'm not going to say her name, but her mom died and then they all got really pissed one night. So it was like her who it was her mother and then her friends. It was not their mother. And they all sprinkled some of her mom into their drinks and drank her. I think fine.

I think fine. I really do. I'd rather be drunk than snorted. I think there's something really barbaric and animalistic about being snorted. I'd rather be drank or sprinkled onto a pita bread or maybe put on some hummus and take it as a Mediterranean snack. I know if I had been there, I would have drank her too. rather be drank or sprinkled onto a piece of bread or maybe put on some hummus. Pop it on the eggs. I know if I had been there, I would have drank her too. I loved her mom. If anyone does anything else, I'm like, I'll do that. Okay, fine. If you're doing it, I'll do it. Also last dildo chat. I saw a dildo.

Actually I saw hundreds of dildos and they were all these dildos and Donald Trump was the head of the dildo, like the head as in the top of the dick. His face was like... Nothing says you've made us. That to me now would be... I'd find that rewarding. I just wouldn't read... I just don't want to be a dildo. If I die, just don't do anything weird with me.

Pair is attractive. I mean, I'd rather ride myself with Kamala Harris, but if I had to choose a president, I would go to her. I would go Kamala. I wanted to give a recommendation of a TV show. It's really old. I love it. It's really old. And I started watching them. I think they're on Amazon. It's the Gordon. It's the Gordon Ramsay kitchen nightmares. It is like I could, I like, I can't wait until I get a vomiting book because I'm just going to sit there all day and watch old episodes of the Gordon Ramsay. I've never watched it. Have I watched it? No, I've watched some episodes.

Yeah. Where he saves the restaurants and oh my God, he just abuses the people. It is the funniest show and like I've never fancied him more. It's it is that power thing when he's telling people to fuck off and get a grip. And I just really love him. I can't bear any like animosity. I like I'm very conflict averse. So any shows where people fight, except for Housewives, because I don't know, I

feel like I know it's set up, any shows where people fight or even like Jeremy Beadle, even that secret camera show, what was it called? You've been framed? I even found you've been framed hard to watch. That's how conflict avoidant I am. So Gordon Ramsay's show I find. Well you have to realise Gordon saves it. I know but they always, he's so hard on them and then they get really sad and they're hard

on him and I've always found a difficult watch. Which says more about me obviously but. Oh my god. I'll give it a go. It's my favourite, me and Al's are watching an episode every night now. We just are like, I love it so Me and I also watch an episode every night. Now we just are like, I love it so much because I found all the old ones, but Gordon Ramsey is also opening a restaurant in Las Vegas. And it's on, wait, let me hear this. So it's on the, it's on the racetrack from what

I gather. Cause they're going to have the Formula One in Vegas. So it's on the racetrack and you have to pay 28 grand a person. You go in, you're sitting on the racetrack. You can go do the pit walk and then you have your dinner. I don't know who will pay that, but it's like people who'll 28 grand a person, you go in, you're sitting on the racetrack, you can go do the pit walk and then you have your dinner. I don't know who will pay that, but it's like people who will pay to go to the moon and stuff. They would, I assume I would say, I'm sorry. People who go to salt bay. Can you imagine? I don't want him touching salt and rubbing it all over the steak. I wouldn't mind a bit of that now. Oh no, no, I wouldn't go there. No way.

Anyway, 28 grand, you get to go, you get to have your dinner. You get to go on a little pit walk of the Formula One, which would be fun. And I'd say the Vegas Formula One would be absolutely amazing. And I think that's pretty much it. Yeah, that's it.

Fuck off. For 28 grand. 28 grand. Actually, it's $28,000. I'm not saying it's dirty. Oh, 7 euro! Grant! I understand. Free! Free! It's 7 euro, yeah. I'm actually thinking of going to Las Vegas for New Year's Eve.

Oh, really? Yeah, they have some EDM, like in the sphere where I went for U2, where I said I wasn't sure if I enjoyed myself and then visibly very much did. Really did. And nothing against U2, I was just so tired by the time I got there, I actually really enjoyed the show. Anyway, the Sphere, they have EDM which is like this very visual DJ. Electronic dance music. Exactly, thank you. Thank you, Vogue.

And me and Christine, my Irish agent, are thinking of going for New Year's Eve. I can't believe that, no, that would be like... Why wouldn't I? I'd love to have a wife. I'd have kids, I'd have a husband. Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't I? You... I think it'd be really cool.

I'll always regret not going to see you two in this fear I wish I had. I saw Deirdre O'Kane, who's an Irish comedian, talking yesterday, and she was like, We have 11 celebrities in Ireland and that's it. And three of them are Bono. She's fucking hysterical. It's so true. Bono's the only famous person. Oh, Enya's famous in Ireland as well. And Sinead O'Connor. And that's it. Bono, Enya, Sinead O'Connor and?

Ah, Ryan Tubberde, Ryan Tubberty. And Pint Baby. That baby drank a pint in the 80s, yeah, that's pretty much it. That's all the famous people in Ireland. Before we go, just to remind people that we are going to be in Boston, New York and Toronto on... What are the dates, folk? I'm going to find them right now. Do you want to know how vain I am? I decided to get my

car a little bit early today because I have to get my visa picture so I'm like, I'm off, I've got my glam done for an event so now I'm off to get my visa picture and then I'm like, fuck it, I'll just get my passport picture too. For America? Yeah, I haven't got my visa done yet. I have to go to the place. Sorry, okay, so are you going to be queuing for two hours in the rain or was that just to me because I'm a pleb? How are you getting in? Are you going to be queuing for two hours in the rain or was that just me because I'm a pleb? How are you getting in? Are you going to Rolls Royce through the

back? No, I wish. If I could, of course I would try and do that. Anything to not queue, but no, I've got to queue. I swear to God, it was the grimest. I mean, obviously America is great and all, but it's not that great. Do you know what I mean? Like calm down on the queuing. And speaking of America, 10th of October, Boston. Yeah, 10th of Alphaz, can't wait. 11th, New York and 12th, Toronto.

I'm off to Jordan. I'm going to sleep in the desert for two nights on the floor in the sand. Your husband is a fucking weirdo. How on earth has he done that? And I know for a fact, he didn't even train that much for that. How? How?

Sometimes I think, wow, this is fun. And Gigi won't even do gymnastics. How? How, how, how? I have no idea how, but I sometimes feel, when I'm feeling angry, when I'm feeling angry, I sometimes feel that maybe I have it harder back here. Yeah. I mean, he just gets to run and goof off for four hours a day. In fairness, like

you're raising three kids. He's practically on a lilo out there. This will feel like he's going to, the real struggle will start when he comes back and I say, you know what? I'm not getting up at half six this morning. I'm not doing it. You are. I can't wait. Is he breaking a record? I heard he's breaking a record. Yeah, so Speno is doing a world record. He is doing 30 marathons and 30 days on sand in the Jordanian desert.

And he has to complete them all in under six hours. He's been doing them for about four and a half. But I know I'm obsessed with sleep chat, but he's getting because it's so uncomfortable because they're just basically staying in a tent and lying on this mat on the ground. He's been getting last night, he said he only got three hours sleep and then the other night he only like, yeah. So I asked him, I'm going out there. I know, and I'm going out there. So I'm obviously already having a nervous breakdown about my sleep.

I don't know how he's doing it, but I was actually looking up. What does his whoop have to say about this? His whoop? He's got an aura and he's got these two watches on, I forget what they're called, to track everything. And it's saying he's grand. And he swallows a tablet every day that has Bluetooth in it that will tell people, yeah, that tells them what his body temperature is. But he's been kind of good going through the whole thing, but he's making money for Globals Make Some Noise charity, which helps loads of different people. If anyone wants to donate, you can donate. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I don't mean to talk over the charity, but I did. But he swallows a Bluetooth.

This is very George Orwell, 1984. No, I think it's very matrix. Matrixy. You're so right. It's very matrix. 2013. I don't know when it was out. I could tell you that I'm not good with dates, but I could tell you the matrix came out in 1980. That's how bad I am with dates. No, no. Matrix was? 2008. Ah! What? God. Oh my God, ahead of its time.

Why'd your Determinator come out? Oh, that would have been earlier, way earlier. That would have been in like 1990. I think fair play to him. He's some sort of athletic savant. I don't know how he's doing it. I don't know. It's bizarre.

What's he gonna do when he gets home? Just jog around Battersea Park. Where is this energy going to go? We're going to keep up. We're going to have little running days, which sounds pathetic, but I'd love to. I'm going to keep up running three days a week and we'll have little dates doing that. He needs to take a break from the running because doing something like that is too full on.

But I was looking up, because obviously, do you remember getting the Guinness Book of World Records when you were younger? Yeah, I always remember. The only thing I remember visibly is the one with the really long, long nails. Do you remember her? I've been showing T and Gigi that because they were talking about nails and T was like, how long would my nails grow? And I've been showing them the people in the world with the longest nails on Google and they are like every day they're asking me to show us the nails again, show us the nails again.

Disgusting. Like they were curling and everything, they were so long. Disgusting. There was this American woman who had the longest nails and then she got into a car accident and her nails fell off and she was absolutely raging. But I was looking, so I found my weird world records. So a streamer, which is like one of those people who streams. Tell us more Dr. Williams. The streamer who was streaming. To be honest, I did genuinely think about one of those poppy, colourful paper things. He has broken the world record for the longest time without sleep. He did 264 hours and 56

minutes, which is almost 12 days. Oh, can you imagine? That can like mess you up for the rest of your life if you do that. Yeah, because you're trying to make it back the whole time. Awful. There was a man called Daniel Scali and he did a plank for nine and a half hours, beating that woman that we spoke about ages ago. Disgusting. Neville Sharpe, I'm only saying this one because he broke, he burped and his burp reached 112

decibels, which a really strong drill would only be 90 decibels. But I've been wearing an Apple watch. What? That's like a bastard. I know. But I've been wearing an Apple watch. And when my kids are around, the Apple watch will buzz me. And it's like the decibels have gone up way too high. If you continue to be in this volume for a long period of time, it will affect your hearing. How much sparkly water does a man have to drink to break sounds with a

burp? Like that's gross. Do you want to hear another gross one? I knew you'd love these disgusting ones. Donald Agorsk, he basically broke the record for eating the most amount of Big Macs. He ate 26,000 Big Macs in his life. Fair, hungover, fine. We've all been there. Delicious. There's ones that I thought we could try. So because the Guinness Book of World Records is like you could try and break this one. Most socks put on a foot in 30 seconds. You could do the

tallest toilet paper tower in 30 seconds. Most selfies taken in under three minutes. I thought I'd be in it with a chance there now, in fairness. A hundred percent. That's very much your space. But sorry, can I just throw this in? And do you know Charlie Axie, Axie, Axie Ax? Yeah. Where the fuck did she come from? And I love her. I don't say this with any shade, but like suddenly-

She's been going a while. Is she going a while? Because do you ever get this thing where you're just sitting there and suddenly someone just pops and they're everywhere and they've got 25 million followers and you're like where have I been? Have I been asleep? Have I been in a coma? She's everywhere. Because she went viral with Brath Summer so that's probably why you heard of her. I have to say Vogue if we were in the same country at the same time it would have made us do the dance. I know you did ask me. I did my first TikTok.

Like I don't even see it. On the my first TikTok. I did ask you. Why didn't you see it? What was the dance that? I wouldn't be big into like viral trends, but I would have made us do that. Too late now, is it? I apologize. Yeah, we'll wait for the next one. Why don't we try and go viral next year? Not this year. We couldn't be arsed this year. We have to think about it.

Save it for next year. I'm too much on. Do an ayahuasca. We have to think about it. Save it for next year. I'm too much on. June I waskin. And with that, we would like to say thank you for listening and we'll see you on The Bonus next week. I had to think about that one. The Bonus next week.