My Therapist Ghosted Me - The Cloud, The "Ick" & Goofing Off

Episode Date: October 29, 2021

This week, all is back to normal and everyone's happy. Vogue has an admission to make about what she's been watching and Joanne's put herself back together with a mani/pedi. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] vote for My Therapist Ghosted Me in The National Comedy Awards 2021, for Best Comedy Podcast! Visit the website and VOTE here: http://www.thenationalcomedyawards.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams and Joanne McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of a contextual, consensual, convivial commitment on a weekly basis, subject to the availability of both hosts at a given time. Boom. My Therapist Ghosted Me has been nominated for a National Comedy Award. And we, well, we've been shortlisted. No, we've been longlisted. We've been longlisted we want to be

shortlisted so that we can go to the party please vote for us so I can try and ride Amanda Holden yeah I like Amanda Holden if you vote for us

Joanne will have sex with a random famous person and we'll tell you about it and I've been nominated for breakthrough comic

of the year if you don't win then I'll be pissed off I haven't even voted for you yet post a link today we're going to post links One of the other nominees

Has a Netflix special Like She's broken through Move on She shouldn't be on that She shouldn't be on it Get her out In today's episode

We have breastfeeding boyfriends Getting the ick And the cloud Hello Vogue Hello Joanne We're here We're in the same room We've no technical Hello Joanne We're here We're in the same room We've no technical problems

Joanne Is going to be flying To Dublin after this Yes Lucky And we were wondering Actually if anyone From the airlines

Are listening Why are the flights So expensive to Dublin Yes why have I paid For what Basically I've paid The cost of what I would pay

To go business class To Australia To fly return to Dublin from Gatwick can anyone explain that and it's from Gatwick Gatwick literally

I cannot understand what is going on have they it's not even like they're doing social distancing I could understand it if they'd halved the number of people

available on flight but you're still going to be crammed in besides some incel on a Ryanair flight are you doing loads of Christmas shows am I doing loads of Christmas shows? Am I doing loads

Of Christmas shows? So I'll be getting I'm getting kind of ready now For the tour that starts In January So I need I kind of took the foot Off the gas gig wise

No you haven't I have You went on holidays For two weeks It feels like I was away For a year So when I first I did my first gig back actually

In the Glee in Birmingham At the weekend And I was first on And I felt ropey I wouldn't like to be first on I don't mind being first on I mean you can go home and I felt ropey I wouldn't like to be first on I don't mind being first on

it means you can go home but I felt ropey it was like I was out of my groove it's like if you don't go to the gym for a month or something you're ropey

so I have to kind of get back in it so yeah it honestly is like hell on earth to me thinking about going on and doing that I couldn't think of anything

I'd like to do less I've got an all inclusive buffet head at the moment so it's I don't. Joanne didn't put on a pick-a-weight on holidays. Only when she got back. When I got back then.

Because I was trying to heal myself whole. So I just ate and drank. The healing, the healing. It was so funny. Like when I got back, I was like, I need to heal. So I engaged in like my low-level spirituality. Where I just ate a cod liverill Royal tablet And got a manicure Can I just say

What Manicure pedicure Close to God You need to groom yourself back Audrey's been doing So many chemical oils On her face I'm surprised her face

Is still on She's just like Chemical pill after chemical pill After chemical pill That's what I was doing I was like Groom yourself out Went and got a mani pedi

I It's It's my level of spirituality There's just nothing better I bet if you check The Dalai Lama I bet if you Like if you zoned in on him yourself out. Went and got a mani pedi. It's my level of spirituality. There's just nothing better. I bet if you check the Dalai Lama, I bet if you zoned in on him, he's got a mani pedi

and a fresh set of highlights. Do you know about the Dalai Lama? He kind of sounds like a group. Has he done that on purpose? He didn't choose his name. No, the name was given to him. Do you know,

have you ever, this is a hell you should go down. You'd have a ball down that hole. No, I need to go down volcano holes now. There's volcanoes going off left, right and centre. Apparently there was volcanoes going off or earthquakes in Greece.

I slept through them. Oh, was there? Yeah. The thing about having a mani-pedi, by the way, is that you look so clean and put together. That's it.

Like, look at me. Fake news. I look like I've been on the sesh. I know, you do. Like, your life could be falling apart but you've got a fresh shellac. You're grand. You're grand. No one will notice. I did as soon as you walked in today I was like god

she looks very well put together and it was down to your nails. Yeah you can crawl into a nail bar like a gargoyle and you come out levitating. It's close to spirituality. I can't stand how long it takes though. I know if I if you ever find me about to throw myself in front of a bus just go Joanne head into USA Nails for a while.

Okay. Or American Nails or US Nails. Oh the best ones are the one in America where they just literally like you're in and out in 20 minutes practically.

I like when they don't talk to you and let you just goof off. Oh I love goof off. Does that mean like freaking yourself? Goof off.

What? I don't know what that means. No. Joanne's pulling away the nail bar. Do you do that? No. To goof off.

Goofing off to me traditionally means like if you're up for tits on drugs and you're like just goofing off. Oh, well we all have different meanings. What's your meaning of it Jo? Messing about, innit? Messing about. Well, mine was having fun with yourself.

I've never heard of that term. Okay, tell me about your week. Oh, I got a message from a girl saying about Dennis. She was like, just letting you know, you know that lad you wrote from Bray, you know he's bragging around. No! And I was like But you know what

It'd be worse if he was denying it Imagine someone was like Did you see which Ron McNally He's like how dare you I did not I'm not a monster And he's like living under a fake suit And I'm in brain ache

Because he's so embarrassed He seems like a nice guy But like of course It's not the Like I've been talking about him on the pod I don't care I don't care I don't care Like do you know what I mean

I'm not one of these people Who has had sex with people And it gets them to sign an NDA I'm not at that level yet Supposedly Leonardo DiCaprio Does that Speculation I would like to say Just so you know

Allegedly Allegedly Leonardo DiCaprio Has like Like Oh god I'm sorry I would do it

I'll sign whatever you want Listen to your headphones While we have sex I don't care I suppose he does that That's the story I heard Did I tell you that story Did you want. Listen to your headphones while we have sex. I don't care. I suppose he does that. That's the story I heard. Did I tell you that story? Did you hear the story, Jo?

No, it's a thing. It's a thing that he listens. Yeah. Legally, I mean, because I know Leo's a huge fan of the pod, so I don't want to piss him off.

But he, apparently, you get summoned to Leo's bedroom and then they say, get on all fours, please. And the lights are off. And then he comes in

listening to I don't know Nirvana don't give a shit has the headphones in just like takes you from behind legs up

and you leave delighted with yourself you're like tick tick tick I'd be thrilled I'd be thrilled I would like to point out I am a feminist

but I would also do that oh yeah although would I would I nah come on you probably wouldn't like maybe if it was face on missionary I'd go for it but I would also do that. Oh, yeah. Although, would I? Would I? Nah, come on. You probably wouldn't. Like, maybe if it was face-on, missionary, I'd go for it,

but I'm not going to just be like a little... But it could be anyone. He could be letting anyone in behind. Like, you don't know. I had technical difficulties this week. My laptop shat itself. Shat itself.

Right. So it just died one day, refused to be resuscitated. I know. So I took it to the internet shop, whatever they call it. Like, this is not my world, right? Like, I'd still be on a flip phone if I could be. I took it to the World Wide Web shop.

I was trying to listen to it. It wouldn't dial up for me anymore. So I took it to the World Wide Web shop and your man was like oh well you know if it's the motherboard everything's gone and I was like

what? They always have to start with the bad shit I know How old is the laptop? Like it's not it's not old enough to be like

everything's gone Are we five years plus or no? It's under five years I'd say Well then it should be living Is it a Mac? Yeah, MacBook Pro.

Oh my gosh, shocked. So I took it in anyway. He's like, everything's gone. And I was like, what do you mean everything's gone? Like every single thought I've ever had is on that laptop. And he's like, if it's the motherboard, everything's gone. And I was like, that's a load of bollocks. I said, it's 2021.

They just put a pig's intestine in a human. It's 2021. They put a pig. There's flying cars in Japan. No, there's not. There is. It only flew for four minutes, but it flew. So if you live nearby, it's perfect. There's a flying cars in Japan is there no there's not there is it only flew for 4 minutes but it flew

so if you live nearby it's perfect there's a flying car in Japan flying car in Japan they're hoping to have full blown flying cars by 2025 which seems a bit ambitious

they put a they put a brain in a robot I read yesterday oh I like this is I'm willing to donate my organs but not for shit like that

they grew the brain in a lab so it's a fake brain oh my god that's frightening I don't like the world They grew the brain in a lab, so it's a fake brain. Oh my God, that's frightening. They put the brain in a robot. But the robot can't do anything now, except, I think, get depressed. The robot's very anxious.

The robot's strung out in Prozac and stuff. The robot's now saging in some lab in Japan. And I was like, so there's all this going on and you're telling me you can't rescue my 2002 Turkey photo album I just don't believe it

and your mom was like well have you not stored anything in the cloud and I was like don't talk to me about the cloud I don't understand it it's somewhere up in space it's intangible

space is for drinking gins he's like you need to store everything in the cloud and that's why they've designed the MacBook Airs now so that they you cannot rescue shit to force you to pay to store shit in the cloud.

Oh, I store shit in the cloud. All my shit's in the cloud. Is it? I know. And I'm not even technical now. I'm hoping it's all in the cloud. I assume it just goes there on its own, doesn't it? I don't know.

Does it? Does it? Jo, does it go on its own? Does it just fly to the cloud on its own, Jo? Depends on your settings. Oh, no. Mine's probably not there. I'm more ahead of the fangirl than a file's in the cloud. Like, I? Depends on your settings. Oh no, mine's probably not there. I'm more ahead

in the sand girl than a file's in the cloud. Like I don't understand how it works at all. My brother is, get, right, come over and get my brother to sort all that out for you

when your laptop's fixed. He's like a genius at shit like that, yeah. Also, the other thing is the laptop just died when I didn't know what windows I had open so I had to hand it over

to this guy. I'm like, you know, I mean, it's not like I'm into like beheading hand it over to this guy. I'm like you know I mean it's not like I'm into like beheading porn or anything vicious like that. Oh my god do you watch porn on your laptop? I just watch it on my phone. But you don't get the full experience. I wouldn't have it on full volume. You've just admitted you watch porn. One of our friends if you take one of if you take his phone you can be sure to find like at least

10 or 11 porn windows open all different ones yeah that's greedy like I told you that I went out with a lad his porn hub was like his search engine

like it was like his homepage did I tell you that? I'm not gonna lie it has shown up on my search engine yeah the bit at the bottom on your phone

when you open your phone and it's like most viewed sites I'm like oh my god I need to chill out I'm disgusting they're like

you've reached your porn limit this month Vogue we're worried I have to say I'm feeling very sexual we're worried you're going to rub your clit off

we're concerned I was trying to rub it out it's just a little nub now oh my god it's like the veneer stumps you know like the

little nubs under the veneers so did he see your porn I didn't have I don't think I was watching porn that's

I'm just saying when you hand it over you suddenly feel very vulnerable you're like I don't know what I was looking up like do you know

what I mean I always have about 90 windows open it's probably why the thing shot itself anyway I got the call last night he was like we've saved it

of course it's going to cost you 600 quid probably 250 he was like it was like I was waiting for something relative on life support

I was like I'm in a taxi on my way to the internet shop anyway I took it home last night fucking thing died again what gave it life to life oh he also said there's water damage and I was like on my way to the internet shop anyway took it home last night fucking thing died again what gave it life to life

oh he also said there's water damage and I was like it's probably wine I don't know I don't remember oh my god you're going to have to

splash out a new laptop there's nothing worse there's nothing worse I'm absolutely right mine is new this year because mine died as well the one that's died might be survivable though

but it is about seven years old. Is it? You get at least seven, eight years out of a Mac which is actually quite good cost per wear

when you think about it. I miss the old desktops. That's what I want. Bringing it to a coffee shop like some huge desktop like this. What are they called down here Jo?

These big things. The base of the like what's it called? A desktop. Computer towers. That's it called PCs computer towers that's it Jo I'd miss an LP I'd love to be dragging a PC

into a hipster coffee shop I bet there are hipsters out there dragging PCs around to be ironic Alexandra and Lou have PCs set up like this because they do all this weird stuff that looks like

I don't know arabectomy yeah but all numbers and stuff it's weird did you see finance they're so clever

I know they're so clever it's disgusting did you see that they're so clever I know they're so clever it's disgusting did you see that article that went around years ago it was so funny and it was like the most hipster things you've ever seen

and it was like a lad riding a camel through New York oh my god was that real oh my god it was so funny there was a woman

spinning yarn in a BMW repair shop oh god I left all those clothes out for you to choose from and you left your own jumper Oh God. I left all those clothes out for you to choose from and you left your own jumper in the pile of stuff you didn't want. Did I? Your purple jumper that you left in my house. I like washed it.

That's yours! You lent it to me. I don't remember that. Yeah. Is it? Yeah. Oh, I'll have that then. Here, come here to me me I've nicked Jennifer Rock

on you she told me she's gonna give me skin like yours we've been in contact what I've touched base yeah I'm gonna have clear skin

like you wouldn't believe it I'm that's great I look forward to seeing your progress I'm going back to Dr. Ewan my Scottish

I wanna hit him up no he's mine now I've just stolen him Dr. Ewan works on Sundays which is want to hit him up. No, he's mine now. I've just stolen him. Dr. Ewan works on Sundays, which is fantastic. He works Sundays? Yeah, so he's putting some shit in my face.

I don't know what it is. I'm delighted. I have no concept of weekends. Like, I'll ring people. When I'm on my way home from Horace, I'll ring people at half eight in the morning.

I'm like, what are you doing? And they're like, it's Sunday. Like, I'll ring my manager. I'm just like... Yeah, we spoke about this before. Like, I have to remind myself that you can't text your agent on Sunday morning at 12. I do'll ring my manager. I'm just like, I don't care. Yeah, we spoke about this before. Like I have to remind myself that you can't text your agent on Sunday morning at 12.

I do. I do it. I don't. They don't write back to me. I learn with them. Do they not? No, no, no. They're trying to teach me a lesson.

Ciarán told me I'm not allowed to text the Bear Girls because like I used to text the group and just text it at any time. He's like, you cannot text that group after five o'clock. Some people actually work nine to five.

So I've been, yeah, I know. Some people work nine to five. Not us. We're always on the clock. We're never on the clock. What else have I been doing this week? I went to see the new Bond movie

and I'll tell you what. Oh, go on. Louisa said to me, she was like, oh, you're going to really fancy Daniel Craig. And I do not fancy Daniel Craig until I saw the new Bond movie. He's a ride. He is a ride.

Is he married? What's the crack with him? He oozes sex appeal like a snail that's what it is isn't he I know he's just really sexy he's got too much

sex appeal I know it's too much I might prefer him to Tom Hardy no that's too much that's too much yeah I know actually fair enough

he was getting a lot of shit for that pink velvet suit I loved the pink velvet suit yeah I thought now he got shit off Piers Morgan oh fuck's sake

do you remember all that drama with Sienna Miller? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. She revenge rode Daniel Craig. What an amazing revenge. Do you not remember this?

Do you not remember? It was all over the place. She revenge rode him and then I'd say she leaked the story herself because she's smart. I'd say she was in a sandwich. I like to imagine there was a Jude Law Daniel Craig sandwich.

No, she rode Daniel as revenge for Jude Law riding the nanny, obviously. Oh my God. Like, she was such a ride. She still is. She still is. Jude Law as well, yeah. Riding her nanny. Are you serious? I'd become a nanny just to ride a celebrity.

Jeremy Kyle just married his nanny. I watched a very interesting documentary on I think it's a Dispatches documentary on the Jeremy Kyle show vicious they used to get them pissed beforehand on stuff like vicious stuff

oh god well he did get like cancelled over but then weren't people like oh he needs to come back it was actually just so nasty

and just like the lie detector tests the lie detector tests you can't use them in a court of law they're not reliable they're inconsistent and bullshit

oh god I used to watch it all the time though did you? yeah I used to watch Jeremy Kyle The prosecutor says you can't use them in a court of law. They're not reliable. They're inconsistent and bullshit. Oh, God. I used to watch it all the time, though. Did you? Yeah, I used to watch Jeremy Kyle. But he is a bit weird. There's something weird about him. It's the confrontation I can't stand. I never liked it.

No, it was always very shoddy. Like, I never was into Jerry Springer or any of that. Jerry! Jerry! Back to the week. Back to the week. I cleared out my wardrobe again, as you know. That's all I ever seem to do with my life.

Back to the week. Back to the week. I cleared out my wardrobe again, as you know. That's all I ever seem to do with my life. And lastly, I started watching Breastfeeding My Boyfriend. Oh, yeah. Topic one. Here we go.

I cannot. It is honestly, like you watched it. I was so uncomfortable yesterday and I was watching it and the builders walked in and I couldn't have tried to switch it over quicker. There was a man sucking a woman's tit, drinking milk out of it and the builders walked in. They're probably have tried to switch it over quicker. There was a man sucking a woman's tit, drinking milk out of it and the builders walked in. They're probably like, what is wrong with this girl?

I thought I was looking at the... So basically, it's about couples who, you know, well, I mean, it's pretty clear the clue was in the title. Women who breastfeed

their boyfriends, right? So it's like this, they call it ANR, it's Adult Nursing Relationship. So the first couple are called was it Tip and Button

Kip and Button Nip and Button basically they say it's not sexual they're like it's just an intimate thing I asked Rona we're bringing Rona back up again

she's a therapist right and I asked her and she said it's probably an attachment difficulty from unmet needs from their childhood well so

Nip or Tip or whatever he was called said he was doing it because he was adopted oh my god you can't pull that shit over my eyes Tip I'm adopted too

don't be trying to suckle out about breasts Joanne you have when I had Gigi don't deny it you were up there trying to get the other tit I was sniffing around

the breast milk in the fridge put her down you orphan you can't say that being breastfed is part of being adopted or imagine Oliver twist imagine what a story

that would be it's bullshit he was divorced as well this guy and imagine being his divorced wife he'd be like thank god

I'm not with him anymore he was lying there and the drinking the drinking noise so I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be totally honest when it started I was like maybe it's hot when I started. When it started, I was like, maybe it's hot. When the breastfeeding began, I was like, that's a bit hot. It's intimate. You know, are they going to ride after? But then when she was teaching him how to latch, and this is a grown man, okay, teaching him how to latch.

He's like laid out on a couch breastfeeding. And when the suckling began and the noise. The gulping. I can't even listen to someone slurp soup, let alone a tit. He was the, I think he was the worst of them all. The Spanish fella, not great either. And these women, like they spend like,

they pump four or five times a day and they take these like supplements to get their milk supply up. It's like, how can you think that that is normal to be doing that? Well, it's a kink.? Well, it's a kink. And firstly, it's a kink.

One of my mates, I won't say her name, she was texting this guy and he asked her for nudes and she said to her therapist, I'm texting this guy and he asked me for nudes, they never met,

this girl had turned him down and her therapist was like, stop kink shaming him, you're kink shaming him. And she was like, what? So she goes to her therapist because her therapist was like, you should be sending him nudes. Don't kink shame him.

So this is a kink. That's weird. It's a bit of a kink. But your man. I get it's a kink, but come on. It's just, it's just, maybe it's because. Your man, Sean, the guy, the second guy. And he was like, we just want to like get rid of the stigma.

It's like, Sean. Like, come on. You could put this stigma on the roof of Chernobyl it wouldn't get rid of it it would walk out alive and well you could dip it in a barrel of acid

the stigma's not going anywhere like also I was like the cheek of this lad there's women breastfeeding their kids getting shamed in coffee shops

getting the cue dickhead surely we'll get rid of that shame that stigma first before you can be breastfed in a coffee shop in Spain. Oh God.

Can you imagine? Do you know the way women put like a gauze or a little towel over their baby's head when they're breastfeeding because they're embarrassed. Imagine going into

a coffee shop and there's like a full grown man under a beach towel being breastfed by a woman. It is just so it was so outrageous.

I'm so glad I'm not currently breastfeeding. I think it might put me off. It was. Put me off it. What I found interesting was they were saying, if you stimulate your nipples enough, any woman can lactate. And I was like, what a party trick.

Have you seen what the inside of a breast looks like? But I was like, if you do... No, you can't do that. You just can't flick your boob. If I was going to a party and I knew I had to do the trick, I was like, give me six days notice and I'll flick them for six days and by the time I get there, I'll be able to lactate. I doubt it's going to happen. But they do I get there I'll be able to lactate. I doubt it.

I doubt it's going to happen. But they do make your boobs bigger to be fair actually. But yeah, I just thought that that was such a weird documentary. I even felt like why are Channel 4

like making that? Because I suppose it's real life plus they know that it would cause a complete stir. But when your one button was walking your man,

tip, button and tip, button and, oh, gross. And she was like, I need to breastfeed and he was like, yeah, I'm starving, come on. And she's like, do you want to do it in the car? And Button and, oh, gross. And she was like, I need to breastfeed. And he was like, yeah, I'm starving, come on.

And she's like, do you want to do it in the car? And he goes, no, let's wait till we get home. Breastfeed him in the car? But there's loads of things like where people like to be dressed up as a baby. And like they go get dressed up as a baby and shit themselves and stuff. I just can't understand how a woman can breastfeed a man with a full set of adult teeth. Like what? Like canines. how a woman can breastfeed a man with full a full set of adult teeth like what like

canines it's just it's just it's so wrong how painful would that be I wonder about year one who was doing like

breastfeeding porn but then there is so much like weird porn out there like that I can't really say weird because it's different porn it's different for people but I just don't get

the breastfeeding thing call me old fashioned but I do not want to have to burp my boyfriend in the afternoon it's just not people but I just don't get the breastfeeding thing call me old fashioned but I do not want to have to burp my boyfriend in the afternoon it's just not something I want to do like I'm so

like how do you even come across somebody like that feed yourself there's a liter of milk in the fridge like but how do you meet somebody like that

like is there a form that you go on to say I want to who wants to drink my milk and this woman was like a man offered me a hundred pounds to breastfeed for 15 minutes I'm like a man offered me £100 to breastfeed

for 15 minutes I'm like £100 was it not more she said she makes like £30,000 a month no because she's selling like

so she sprays milk to the camera milky mummy milky mummy at least she doesn't breastfeed anyone they did actually say they were like

it's very difficult if someone's into that firstly I don't know how they discovered at the start I'd say your mom was just like slipped onto her tip I don't know how they discovered at the start. I'd say your mom was just like slipped onto her tit.

I don't know. No, but the Spanish fella, sorry, was like, I saw a picture of her pregnant and then I masturbated. Even the way he said masturbated. Just say he went for a wank. Don't say masturbated.

I know. Some woman tweeted saying, oh, about the documentary. Oh dear, what a terrible... Oh dear, what a terrible day to have eyes. That's how I felt yesterday. I honestly felt so uncomfortable.

I felt dirty after watching that. But your one button was like, because they uploaded these videos, these A&R videos up onto the internet. And she was saying, you know, we had to upload them to YouTube. We couldn't upload them to Pornhub. No, maybe they uploaded them to Pornhub.

And she was like, there was just no other way to share. She's like, why are you sharing it? It's not an engagement announcement. Keep it to yourself. We don't need to share it. Do you? No. Do you have any Halloween plans?

You don't strike me as a Halloween person. No, I don't. I'm not really into occasions. No, you're into Christmas though. I love Christmas. When are you going home for Christmas? I'm going to go home mid-December. 22nd.

Oh God, why so late? Because I'll be working here until then. Book your flight now, you might get it for a grand. I'll be going on Santa's sleigh for 10 grand. You'll be railing and sailing. Oh, I'll be railing and's sleigh for 10 grand you'll be railing and sailing oh I'll be railing

and sailing no doubt about it I'm sorry it's unacceptable yeah I'll be railing and sailing too wide

it's an absolute rip off another thing that caught my eye this week right and because we talk about stealing so much which we don't do anymore by the way

I was thinking Molly May Haig and Tommy Fury got robbed. They sell 800 grand. I don't think I'd have stuff to steal in my house for that. What was stolen for 800 grand? Two Rolexes, you're done. A Rolex?

We're not going to. What one? Like the actual Paul Newman? I don't know anything about watches. No, it wouldn't be 800 grand. I don't know. Anyway, that defeats the purpose. I was thinking, right,

like I have people living in my house. So Amber lives in Hoth and Alexander lives here. And when we're not there, they're there. So like you're... But like I'd be very careful about what I'd be posting online.

She's posting about the like congratulation present she brought herself for 85 grand. How is she making so much money? She must be swimming in money what does she do you know what

they don't have kids because I tell you what I am it's coming out my ears for those kids is she the one who collabs is she the head

of like little PLT pretty little thing pretty little thing yeah yeah yeah so she's gotten some job with them but still

an 80 grand congratulations present but them posting it online along with your Rolex that's worth 50. Very naive. Very naive and now she's got

full time security around her which then I was thinking Jesus Christ that'd be expensive too but it got me thinking about robberies. Remember Kim Kardashian got robbed?

I know. Because she was showing off all her bits again. Do you know that I remember like when someone dies in your family and you're going to a funeral

they suggest that you keep someone in your house during the funeral because apparently burglars go through death announcements and funeral times and stuff and they assume that there'll be no one in the house

imagine burying like your mother and coming back and someone's raided your house God burglars are quite intelligent like God in the case they really are it's very admirable really

it is actually they deserve a pat on the back so smart I accidentally posted my address to Instagram once did I tell you that it doesn't shock me

doesn't shock me either and it took me about an hour everyone was like Joanne Joanne alert alert you posted your address do you think anyone gave a shit not a hope

I was like oh no no one turned up I had my address out to anyone who asks I kind of do that too I probably shouldn't do it but like if someone was like, oh no. No one turned up. I had my address out to anyone who asks. I kind of do that too. I probably shouldn't do it. If someone was like, I want to send you,

a burglar could literally be like, I want to send you a serum. I'd be like, yeah, my address is blah, blah, blah. And I'm not there between blah, blah, blah and blah, blah, blah. So leave it under the tree. And he'd literally just turn up with a black bin bag ready to nick all your stuff. There's a key under the bin. Let yourself in. Put leave it under the tree. And he'd literally just turn up with a black bin bag ready to nick all your stuff. There's a key under the bin.

Let yourself in. Put the serum on the kitchen table. But I just, I just don't know what would be the worst thing that could get stolen from your gaff. My laptop.

Yeah, I wouldn't like my laptop to be stolen. Just because of all the stuff that's on it. Well, it's going to be on the cloud once Alexander gets his hand on it. Yeah.

A phone and a laptop. I'd hate if my sunglasses got robbed you treat yourself to a nice pair of sunglasses they get robbed not great what if they took the lobster imagine someone broke oh i'd be fucking rage do you know i'm raging i didn't buy the flamingo i'm after seeing a stuffed flamingo somewhere else there are many people that send me a stuffed flamingos as well and i saw a really good one and i'm annoyed now i didn't buy the flamingo i was too cheap to buy myself the flamingo but have you ever been robbed

I actually got mugged twice yes this is the one where your mum punched you in the head oh my god I forgot about that one your mum punched you

in the head yes that was in that was in London actually someone like well he pushed me on the side of the head and grabbed my phone

and like you're literally just standing there I was on the phone I think it was on the phone to James O'Neill and you're just standing there like shit there's nothing you can do

they're gone into the wind they're just gone also intelligent intelligent operation that's going on I had a phone like that I had a phone

standing out of my hand on O'Connell Street oh sickening and you're just watching it disappear little kid yeah I took I did try to chase him

but sure I was wasn't at the races as far as he was I think he jumped on the back of a bicycle or something I got mugged another time when I was younger about 14

and I remember I was walking through Glen Carrick Estate in Sutton and this boy like threw me on the ground and tried to rob my phone but he did not pry it from my hands

I got to keep the phone really? yeah imagine doing that what an arsehole I know I know but that's the thing. That's what they say.

That's why when I see these tourists... You're on karma though from us stealing. When I see... Getting your head punched for a phone is not the same as

robbing a wheelie lip gloss out of Poundland. But when I see these tourists around London and they've got their big like selfie sticks and they've got their... Oh, their phone on it.

Yeah. And they've got their oh their phone on it yeah and they've got their iPad and stuff on it they're recording I'm like do you know an iPad costs a thousand pounds why

I honestly I only found out because I was like I'm going to buy my auntie an iPad and my other auntie was like jeez that's very nice of you

I was like what why she's like they're a thousand pounds I was like she's fucking not getting an iPad no way thousand pounds how is that even possible more people that

got robbed do you remember the bling ring and there was a movie made on it and like they went they stole Paris Hilton's house

and she didn't know that they didn't steal the whole house they robbed loads of bits from her house she didn't know and then they went back a second time

and they robbed like another 800 grand worth of stuff and then she figured it out and they got caught and they were like all these young teenagers

yeah and they were robbing Orlando were like all these young teenagers yeah and they were robbing Orlando Bloom like Katy Perry they were stealing loads like imagine I would like to raid their houses yeah

screw veneers imagine but now Paris Hilton I can see why she wouldn't did you ever see that documentary in her house it's like not

not tidy I would like I read this so Jack D I was talking about Jack D I couldn't stop laughing let me google Jack D so Jack D which is something I was like I read this so Jack D I was talking about Jack D I couldn't stop laughing let me google Jack D so Jack D

which is something I was like I'd love to do something like this he basically did a three hour course to be a psychologist let's see where is it oh yeah I'd say

he's a great psychologist and then he got people to send in questions and then he answered them it was in the Sunday Times magazine and em it was just

they're just so funny they're like some they're proper problems. And then he gives obviously like a Jack D response. But this one made me laugh so much. Hi, Jack. I feel I'm on a slippery slope.

Three years ago, I started shoplifting. It started with groceries, but I soon graduated to clothes and became skilled at removing security tags. I've now got to the point where I'm stealing electronic goods of high value and making

a living by selling them on the internet. I never intended for things to go this far and I really wanted to stop before I got into serious trouble. Can you help? Imagine starting with like a banana and ending up here selling like MacBook Pros online. It's a slippery slope as she says. Well I was like who is she because I could do with the new MacBook Pro.

Get in touch if it's you. Get in touch. Get in touch with the pod. I nearly bought a fake Rolex down on Victoria Road. I think it was a fake Rolex.

That's what I spend my days doing. I'm supposed to be writing I just spend them wandering around buying fake Rolexes out of market stores. You can actually get

good fake Rolexes. I think they cost like a grand. I would love a Rolex app on my phone. I mean, because I just, I won't use a watch. I love having a watch now. I didn't used to have a watch and I love a watch now. Oh my God, there's my fairy ad.

Look, there's Yiddish. There you go. I try to have a better career than me. What channel is that? She'll be on Mock the Week next. She'll be like, Gigi, you little bitch. Gigi, get off. Next topic.

Alice Evans. Look, like I said, I can't pronounce his name. Lohan Griffith. If I was English, it would be offensive. I'm Irish, so it's Grant. Is it? That's it. Lohan Griffith. I don't think it be offensive I'm Irish so it's Grant Is it that's it Loan Griffith I don't think it's Loan I think it's Owen

Owen Owen Loan So let's explain what happened So Alice Evans And your man Loan He left her seven months ago She took it all online

That's seven months ago now But that That's nothing I know Do you expect people to have moved on After seven months No I don't think people move on after seven months. But you have to like, you know the way we were talking about when you're texting an ex,

when you first break up with somebody and you kind of lose control and you can't stop. Yeah. She still hasn't been able to claw back the control. I know. No, she's spiraling. She's completely spiraling. So he's went public with this new relationship with this young one, Bianca. Of course she's younger.

Standard. She's only 29 as well. Raging. I know. She was born in like 2002 or something. Oh God. Well that's an exaggeration but something around that.

And so he wrote the caption going thanks for making me smile again. And you're one obviously this triggered Alice and she went rash her again saying she was on Twitter tweeting her feelings again

saying she wants to kill herself saying she's saying that? oh no and that she's so betrayed and he still hasn't

contacted her and they were together 20 years and they were each other's cellmates and they used to ring each other four times a day and she can't understand it

and it does feel unnecessarily cruel she was like oh today's the day I found out that my husband who told me that I was unexciting and boring and shit in bed

and blah, blah, blah, was in a relationship for three years with this woman, Bianca. I don't, well, I don't really know the story to it, but I just, I feel bad for her, but you get to a point

where you need to just, this is where you vent to your friends. But isn't it interesting though? We all do it. Some people are like, yeah, it's brave. She should be saying how she feels and other people are like, keep that shit to yourself yourself i'm a keep that shit to yourself like i

i've been cheated on in the past we all have and i just wouldn't i just wouldn't publicly speak about it i just don't see that i don't see the point of it revenge i know but i wouldn't want revenge like that my revenge would be like you know i'm gonna look great i'm gonna go and pump my face full of what's that stuff that we get hyaluronic acid yeah and I'll look stunning Dr Ewan there's a bang of Betty Broderick off Alice Evans now what's that Betty Broderick you have to watch the Betty Broderick story oh no is she what's that what do they call her what do they call that a bunny boiler it's basically it's not a bunny boiler. It's basically when a woman is gaslit into submission and madness.

Now, obviously what happened here with Alison, your man, he fell out of love with her. It's vicious. It's horrible. It's awful. So when she's saying he said this, he said that,

that's because when you're falling out of love with someone, they get the ick off you and then you claw back because you want their attention back and that makes, that pushes them away more. It makes the ick worse.

Yeah, it makes the ick worse. But now, of course, he's shacked up with someone else and he's all happy. But I thought his caption and stuff, it was like a revenge post. That's the post you do when they've left you. Not when you've left them. I know. Thanks for making me smile again. Shut up. It's mean. It is a bit mean, but she

took the bait. I took my eyes off the story for like half an hour last night to watch one episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I was watching the story like the election results. Did you watch the bit where he walked? No, I couldn't find that episode. It's a brand new series. Speaking of getting the ick, it's like in Curb Your Enthusiasm,

Larry David, he's dating Lucy Liu and he walked into a pane of glass and she couldn't have sex with him after that because that was the ick. What did she say? Say it again. She was like, you've walked into a pane of glass. I can't look at you the same way so I can never have sex with you again. And that's fair enough. It makes you be like, oh no.

You know when someone does something and you're like, oh no, you're done. Yeah, I know. It's such a thin line between lust and ick. But she, like, I feel like I wish I had gotten hold of her at the start it's so it's such a thin line between lust and lust and ick but she like I feel like I wish I had gotten hold of her at the start

because you can go absolutely berserk and we all do at the very start and like you incessantly text and la la la but then you need to pull back

and you need to regain the power and then when you're in the powerful position then they kind of then it kind of makes it easier but she is just not

doing herself any favours people are attracted to emotional strength not emotional weakness it's caveman shit people want people are attracted to people who

if there's a lion coming they'll stand up to the lion not start crying and beg the lion to come back to them that's the science behind it but we've all been the weak

oh yeah like I've been like I've made absolute shows of myself yes I'm like like literally unravelling screaming Oh yeah, the week to week. I've made absolute shows of myself. Yes, I'm like... Literally unravelling, screaming, like crying. I was just thinking about when I could have given someone the ick.

I'm pretty sure I gave Al the ick when I fell off a curb. I'd had far too much to drink and I fell off a curb and had to go home before 12 o'clock and I'm pretty sure that icked him out a bit. Yeah. Oh my god, I've woken up and had the ick off a few people myself I'm like oh no please please don't close my eyes and they won't be here when I wake up I know I know I know oh god but she like she's icking him out it's always the ones you don't want to ever stay there welcome oh I know it really is what do you live here here now what the fuck just get out we're not there yet oh my god

stop trying to spoon me there's Spenny sending me endless pictures of him in a suit he's boring he's so funny no stop yeah yeah yeah

no I don't like that but I told you that I'm really weird like that I don't like spending the night with people I don't know I don't mind I'm just so lazy it depends how easy

it is to get home but it's grand for Lohan because he now Alice is kind of bogged down in the pain of the breakup and Lohan has a fresh start. That's what men do. They're women.

It's our manicures. It's our sheet masks. Do you know what? For all the girls listening, which is probably 99.9%, make sure you've got a backup. Right? Always have someone on the boil.

Always have a... Oh, yeah. We need someone on the boil. Yeah, always have a backup. I don't currently have one. Men never leave to be on their boil. Always have a... Oh, yeah. We need someone on the boil. Yeah, always have a backup. I don't currently have one. Men never leave to be on their own. No fucking way. It doesn't happen.

I'll tell you what, after reading this story, I'm going to find myself a backup. I think you should. Just in case. I'm going to get myself a front up so that I can then get a backup. Yeah, you're my backup, Joanne.

Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah, I'll be breastfeeding all of you soon enough. you're welcome yeah I'll be breastfeeding all of you soon enough so that is

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