My Therapist Ghosted Me - Toilet Mushrooms, Napping & Mistaken Identity

Episode Date: May 14, 2021

What even is a toilet mushroom? Listen and find out! This week, Vogue & Joanne take on everything from fairgrounds to furniture, pleather to periods and even the giant leap from Dior to Versace. Why has Joanne been napping and who was Vogue trying to save in Battersea Park? Let's go! Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams and Joanne McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of uncovering repressed memories, allowing them to spill out in a public forum. On this week's episode, we have toilet mushrooms, mistaken identity, and of course, pleather couches. We're going to start the pod off with our week. Do you know what is so sad? I had to look at my diary to see what I'd done. That's how bad my mind is. I don't remember. The

last thing we did, right, we recorded the pod last week, and we went out for dinner in Johannesburg. They had a great night had a great night fell asleep on the couch again didn't I you did mid-convoke I did yeah

we've a lovely terrace I've invested in a heater so we've been sitting out there enjoying some cocktails after the restaurant threw us out

yeah nice cover there I fell asleep on the couch on the outdoors on the outdoor couch is where I lay my head. I have gotten into the swing of things of just like,

I just fall asleep like whenever we go out. Yeah. Well, I suppose you just reach your peak. I've always said it because your body is a temple. Like I would say you could sell your urine. I'd say you could bottle it and sell it like some alpine refresh rejuvenation. I've drank it. Do you remember? I drank it. Yes.

God, it really tasted bad. And that was like, I really tried to make that a nice wee. I had like three litres of water, tested out a couple of wees before, had my third wee, tasted awful. Really? Yeah, I would never drink my own wee again. I have this image of you doing like a wine tasting event that you're like, hmm, wisps of honeysuckle. Yeah, people are probably wondering why I drank my own wee. I don have this image of you doing like a wine tasting event that you're like, hmm, wisps of honeysuckle. Yeah, people are probably

wondering why I drank my own wee. I don't just do it all the time. Bear Grylls, I did a show with Bear Grylls and he told me to drink my wee so I drank my wee.

Oh my God, we were talking about, I got CBD oil. Yes, so Nadia Ford, Nadia Ford sent me her fella CBD oil. I don't know what it is. So get an extra,

she has this extra strong one, right? And I was like, oh, the other night I couldn't sleep. I was a bit anxious and I woke up at like 10 to 5 in the morning

and she sent it to me, got it the next day and I took it last night. I had the best dreams. I slept for nine hours, first of all, nine solid hours. And you know,

you usually wake up and you kind of, you don't remember your dreams. I woke up mid-dream at 20 to 7. Like, it was absolutely delightful. But I don't know what it's meant to do for you. I just know don't remember your dreams. I woke up mid-dream at 20 to 7. Like, it was absolutely delightful. But I don't know what it's meant to do for you. I just know I had a nice time.

My week, two things. One, I am premenstrual, right? Now, I don't know what that means. Do you know what? You texted me that yesterday. I didn't know what it meant either. It means I'm about to menstrual, I guess. About to menstrual or menstruate?

Whatever. Apparently, I'm ovulating, which I don't know. The eggs are about to come. The chef is pinging. You know, those ping, ping, ping, ping, ping. The eggs are on the way or whatever. But I'm not big on period shots.

Not that I'm embarrassed about it. I couldn't give a fuck. I just don't really do. I just don't really do. Like, I'm not one of these people who's like, you know, sometimes like, hey, how are you? And they're like, menstruating.

I'm not one of those women. No, I'm not one of them either. Isn't that funny? I'm just like, whatever. It's just, I'm kind of used to it now you know but this one Jesus

it has really knocked me for six like I had about four naps yesterday and then I was like oh my god this is the science behind it because I'm ovulating my body's like

go to bed go to bed in case there's a lad in there who can ride you get you pregnant go to bed bitch go to bed how does your mind

work like that? Because I was comatose. I was like, why am I so tired? It's like, because my body's trying to literally wrestle me into bed to get rid of me

and get rid of me and have a baby. Or I was like, my body needs to sleep because it's so busy building craters on my chin. I can't use facial oils anymore. Or my body,

because I'm now in my late 30s, I only have two periods left so they're making them these huge periods, do you know what I mean? Like a kind of lastminute.com sale that I've got two menstrual cycles and that's why I'm absolutely, I was paralysed with it, paralysed. Joanne, I'm not

going to lie here, right? You have a nap all the time, you're a napper. I don't know whether I've got... I sometimes don't know if you leave your room at all in a day. Sometimes I don't. I know. I'd be up and down. I'd have like nine mood swings. I'm in and out the builders. I reckon there's a drill going behind.

I actually was saying this on Instagram the other day. I was like, how come you can get a silencer for a gun and not a drill? Like I would much prefer to listen to a gangster get shot once on the road

than listen to that drill going for like, I don't know how many, how long it's going. It's so aggressive. Also, another reason I'm tormented at the moment is the Clapham Common

fun fair is on the Clapham Common oh my god I want to go to that at night all I hear is children screaming like they're being sacrificed

as they get spun around on waltzes they sound like they're about to get lit on a fucking bonfire and I have to try and fall asleep to that and then I wake up

and the drilling starts John CBD oil you'll be grand I'm like literally like saging my And I have to try and fall asleep to that. And then I wake up and the drilling starts. Joanne, see if you do well. You'll be grand. I'm like literally like saging my nostril hair. Like I've no nostril hair left. I've been saging so strong this week. I launched my clothing. Well, I didn't launch.

I've got a clothing line coming out. Yes. And we shot. Thank you. Thank you. We shot the pictures. We were battling against the rain, Joanne, but we got it done.

And I thought to myself, Joanne's not going to wear one thing from this collection because it's not lesbian chic. Lesbian chic is my style. It's her style. I love your trackies. Yeah, you like my trackies. They're lesbian chic.

Love the trackies, yeah. So what's the clothing line like? Clothing line is more like the way I get kind of dressy-uppy. There's not one thing in there I think you'd wear. Anyway, congratulations. Dress. You're a momtrepreneur. I'm a momtrepreneur, yes. like the way I get kind of dressy upy there's not one thing in there I think you'd wear anyway congratulations dress you're a momtrepreneur I'm a momtrepreneur

yes oh and so as I watched the new season of Motherland last night it's the funniest show five stars highly recommend

it actually makes me not I'm supposed to be starting to well you know the aim always as a comic is like you're kind of expected or you know

to write a sitcom but the more sitcoms I write I'm like I just can't write like Motherland is so funny how many is it new? so there's one season already

the second season came out the other day so I literally binged it last night so will I be able to is it a me program? I don't know if you'd like it I think you would

Motherland I'm writing it down I'll try my best I'll take my CBD oil and I'll pop the TV on track about Motherland before we get into our topics I want to talk about I'll take my CBD oil and I'll pop the TV on before we get into our topics

I want to talk about I had a furniture tantrum I threw out all our furniture oh for fuck's sake I saw that do you know what annoyed me about that personally

and I don't even live with you you are you're such a bitch you threw out all the furniture and you've no intention of buying anymore Vogue I have a system it's a plan in place

okay what happened I need to hear it from the start I'll tell you what happened she wouldn't tell me before the pod You've no intention of buying anymore. Vogue, I have a system in place. There's a plan in place. Okay. What happened? I need to hear it from the start. I'll tell you what happened. She wouldn't tell me before the pod, by the way. I'll tell you what happened, right? Basically, our sitting room, like obviously I'm in a rental house,

five women and clapping, okay? So my sitting room is, you know, it's done out. It's not as nice as it could be. My room is done lovely and nice, although there are mushrooms in my en suite at the back of the toilet. Oh, God. I know, but it's not my fault. The could be. My room is done lovely and nice, although there are mushrooms in my en suite at the back of the toilet. Oh, God.

I know, but it's not my fault. The landlady went and fixed it. I was like, just no, just send three little mushrooms. It makes me feel outdoorsy. I was like, I'll just leave it. Oh, God. It makes me feel like I'm in nature, you know?

Reminds me of home. I thought you'd upped your cleaning game. I have, but I'm fascinated by the mushrooms. There's some sort of water leakage in my bathroom and now there's three mushrooms who've popped up through the floor and I'm like... the mushrooms. There's some sort of water leakage in my bathroom and now there's three mushrooms who've popped up through the floor and I'm like, so disgusting.

Whatever. Maybe I want to love something too, Vogue, yeah? I want to raise something, yeah? It's not all about you, okay? I'll be having a family photo taken with the three mushrooms soon. Our Christmas cards and everything. Hello, mummy's home.

Ooh, you're getting so big. Yeah, hopefully my landlady listens to this and fucking comes over and sorts her shit out. Anyway, so downstairs, so my room's lovely

except for the mushrooms, right? And downstairs, we've, we had these, some nice furniture, some hideous, to the point where it like keeps me awake at night.

It was, they're pleather, brown pleather, a bucket chair and a brown pleather couch. Exactly. Even Joe's disgusted and he's a 22-year-old boy. I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm not. I don't want the furniture of a 21-year-old ag science student from DCU.

No, you can't. No, you can't. So I was threatening to the girls. I was like, they have to go, girls. Like, I'm in my late 30s now. I'm basically nesting, okay? I was like... I don't think the pleather cages,

especially if you're going to be spending time there hungover and stuff like that, it's unacceptable. It's the circle of life. I evolved past them, right? It's just that they have to go. So I put them up on Gumtree, the pleather bucket piece of shit up for a tenner.

Woman master's going, is it real leather? It's a tenner. I master's gone is it real leather it's a tenner I was like yeah sure come over and take it there it's Louis Vuitton so anyway

one night in the kitchen I had a bottle of red the girls could hear me busying myself and sitting like what's she doing the door's like

banging open it came in the place had been cleaned out coffee table brain platter cage it's like the furniture of everything they came in the place has been cleaned out coffee table brain platter couch it's like the furniture of a serial killer

yeah but Joanne I don't mind that you got rid of the furniture but like I know you as a person like you got rid of that furniture almost last week and you still haven't replaced it

so they've got no coffee table no there's five girls with like one couch I know look it was like you know they people do

an impulse purchase it was an impulse purge it was like, you know how people do an impulse purchase? It was an impulse purge. I was like, get these out. So you remember the last time we were, did I tell you about the wait for furniture of 17 weeks? No, go on. Yeah, there's a 17 week wait for most furniture things. So I don't know what you're planning on.

No, there isn't. There is. I've ordered something and then it got changed to August. I'm not being bad folk, but you're probably having a like hand stitch in Milan I'm going to be buying

this shit off Wayfair I just I'm at the stage now I want like I want nice shit you know what I mean like I just don't want to live

in somewhere that looks like a shelter no I agree with you but I actually have seen your sitting room on your Instagram I never thought there was anything wrong with it

yeah because I obviously don't Instagram I don't Instagram myself relaxing on my pleather brown bucket chair. Because you're always in your bedroom. There's noise in my bedroom, yeah. I'm obsessed. Saging.

Also, do you know what I mean? I want furniture. That brown pleather stuff is, you can't stain it and it's fire retardant. But I just think I'm at the stage in my life where I want furniture that will stain and you can set on fire. That's what I want. Flammable, stainable furniture. I'm in my late 30s now. But you've not ordered anything yet?

No. Anyway, my period has me with narcolepsy. My sitting room has no furniture. Let's crack on. So you've had a good week. I've had a great week. I've never been in better form

to be honest. Me too. I've had a good week. Even when I woke up anxious the other day, I said to myself, you know what? I don't care about you, anxiety. I'm happy. I love when people start talking

about their anxiety. Get lost. Yeah. Just because I drank on Friday night doesn't mean you need to come over again, you little bastard. You are not invited. What the fuck are we going to do about your house? I feel really uncomfortable now because you have no furniture. So this is it. So I'm of course now trying to get a bargain

because as we know, Vogue, no more than yourself, I fucking love a bargain. Do you love a bargain? Who doesn't love a bargain? And I don't really invest in the furniture because like it's a rental. Do you know what I mean? Not that like I live with animals. The girls are very respectful. But anyway, then I found this website. I didn't know. Have you?

Policeauction.com No. Stop. Oh my God. Have you? Policeauction.com. No. Stop. Oh my God. Have you bought anything from it? No. So I did a real deep dive on it, okay? Now all the jewellery,

police auction jewellery looks like the only place they raided was Argos. The jewellery is in ribbons. I was like, crimes against being in bits. But they do a heavy push on Mother's Day. They're like,

policeauction.com for the jewellery for your mother, right? It's so funny. But, so a heavy push on Mother's Day. They're like, policeauction.com for the jewellery for your mother, right? It's so funny. But, so they brought me in going, oh look, a MacBook

and a Dyson Hoover. And I was like, fucking dagging straight in. Like some seized Hoover. I was thinking I could get a couch there. Even if it was seized and there could be

something fun down the back like drugs or money. You wouldn't get a couch there. You get anything you want there. Right? No, I wrote down what you can get there. Okay?

They drag you in telling you they can get a Dyson Hoover. So obviously I was straight in because my biggest regret in life is not going to that Dyson event because my agent... I know you've spoken about it

a few times. Yeah, my agent. I know a girl in Dyson. Do you want me to pass on your details? Would you mind? That's one of my girls. It's on my mood board. To get a Dyson Hoover.

It's a pretty good Hoover. Like there's some things free in life that like you know you really get value you're like that's I'm so glad I got that

for free and a Dyson Hoover is one of them I also got a Mila washing machine and I just you know I don't care if I'm old

and like washing machines I'm so happy with it folk I was only thinking about washing machines this morning to make a shame oh stop because our washing machine,

again, if she's coming over to fix the mushrooms, she needs to get a new washing machine put into that place. The tiniest stain can't do anything. No, can't stand that.

So this is the stuff that was on sale at the policeauction.com outside of the Argos jewellery. Okay. Gillette Fusion five razor replacement blades. Now these are auctions.

How much? So you have to bid. We'll have to bid on this. Starting price, £6. Photocopy toners. A lot of air rifles. A lot of air rifles. Is this in the UK?

Sussexpoliceauction.com to be specific. I thought air rifles were illegal. No, I don't think so. Police auctions. You're wearing this down. Yeah.

This stands right up my street. I know so little about my own period, it's alarming. But all I do know is if someone handed me a little lat, I'd be like, I'm having a period, not a nosebleed. Do you know what? We have to change our words on this. I have Google Alerts set up for myself. And I looked at my phone this morning. Do you know what? We have to change our words on this. I was really... I have Google Alerts set up for myself

and I looked at my phone this morning. I've actually screen grabbed one of them. This is only one of the many articles and I just hope Spencer manages not to see one of them. Can I just say thank God? Phil Williams reveals very explicit fact about Spencer's privates. I think I said he was hung like a horse, didn't I?

But what I was going to say was, thank God Spencer takes no interest in us or our podcast and he doesn't have a clue what we say about him because we've really gone to town on him. And also, where are my fucking headlines, huh? I've said loads of weird shit. I acted out having a threesome with my dog last week. Didn't even make the Metro.

Didn't even make Evoke.ie. Like, didn't make anything. Sorry, sorry. What am I, fucking invisible? Well, really, I haven't made the headlines either. It's mainly about Spencer's private parts,

as they call them. Honestly, if he, his mom, I was going to post a couple of them on Instagram because I thought they were so funny and he wouldn't see them. If his mom sees that shit,

she's going to be like, what is she talking? She's already said to me, I listened to your pod, this was the first Fanny Heavy pod. And she's like, and he kept saying vaginas.

And I was like, oh God, no. I know. I just can't. I hope my mom never hears. We can't live our lives freaking about what our moms are going to hear.

But like, my mother used to have a go at me all the time. She'd be like, I can't believe you slagged me. And she was like, no other comedian

talks about their mother. And I was like, are you on crack're slagging me and she was like no other comedian talks about their mother and I was like are you on crack it's all comics do like it's literally all we do is slag our mother and I was like

I've no one else to slag I've no husband yeah thanks for reminding me I've nothing else to talk about you're still my next of kin

she's like nobody else talks you never say anything good I'm like what am I going to do go on stage and just talk about that time you bought me a lovely communion dress and we had a great day out.

No one gives a shit. Do you remember the communion? How much money did you make in your communion? I bet you know because you're such a little hustler. Oh, no, what I did... You probably invested it, didn't you? My dad used to hold on to it for me and I think I made like a hundred quid or something.

But I literally milked that for about three years. I used to go to the shop all the time. New dolls, Boogie, every weekend. Just presents galore

is what I got. Dolls, Boogie. I was obsessed with dolls. Were we not like 13 when we made our communion? No, we were like eight. I used to ask for ironing boards and stuff when I was an eight year old.

I know. Can I have that ironing board to play house? Like, what? No, but I was the same. I used to smoke Byra. Like, my favourite thing to do was to put on my mother's pearls

on her heels and smoke Byros in the garden but you know I remember like back in the day back in the day you'd buy chocolate fags

do you not remember the fags with the flour in them and if you sucked them so you could blow them out and it would make a puff of smoke but if you sucked them

in too hard it all went into your mouth no one remember that. It's literally like selling tiny syringes for babies so they can inject themselves with their friends. Like, it's wild. You'd never do that now. I remember my dad used to drive us around and he would

be like a hotbox. The car would just be filled with smoke. He'd be smoking away and like, that's just the way it was back in the day. No seatbelt kids banging around on the inside like ping pongs. I was going gonna talk about how we used to collect beer mats because we spent so much time in the pub with our parents we used to collect beer mats but a friend of mine um was saying that she her she her parents like all our parents but my parents weren't big pub gowers my mom had the box of wine on top of the fridge yeah and that she would just pump like those kids in

the troika ads with the water pumps to just be pumping at the rest to be down 90. But like a lot of my friends' parents were in the pubs all the time. And my friend, her granny was walking her and her sisters and brothers

past their local pub and she had the youngest baby in a buggy with her and she turned around and all the kids were gone. And the granny was going mad. She was like, oh my God,

I've lost like three kids. What the fuck? And then the pub rang the house and was like, all the kids are in the pub. They'd just naturally taken a left into the pub. It was just their second town.

You'd be in there for days. You would be in there. Playing on the barrels and all. I loved it though. You'd get yourself a pack of bacon fries. Yeah. Never scampi fries.

Bacon fries are so expensive as well. You'd always get them if you went to the pub with your dad. Jesus, you'd miss the 80s wouldn't you? My favourite topic of this week

I have got to tell you is Bennifer. They're back together. Well, we don't know that now to be fair. Oh, come on. They've gone on holidays with each other.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck and I saw somebody wrote on the internet and it was like Ben Affleck gets back, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. And I saw somebody wrote on the internet and it was like, Ben Affleck gets back with Jennifer Lopez and all of a sudden he's so cool. And I can imagine his horrendous back tattoo

has now shrunk and disappeared. Does he have a horrendous back tattoo? Oh, I'm going to show you his back tattoo. You're going to fucking die. Do you know what, right? This is why I wish I believed in horoscopes because I'd love to get a tramp stamp, but I don't care about anything enough

to get it stamped on me. You're not having a tramp stamp either. You're not having one. No, but he got back together. I'm saying he got back together. I don't give a shit what you say. I've seen the pictures. They went to Montana on holidays together

and do you know what I love about it? That little Alex Rodriguez, what's his name? He has got his comeuppance. He's got his comeuppance. He messed around on JLo, Jenny from the block. And now she said,

you know what? Don't need you anymore. I'm going back to my ex. Hold on a second. There's so much going on there. Let's unpack that. Did Alex Rodriguez Rodriguez

cheat on JLo? Supposedly, he was having loads of flirty conversations with this girl from The Real Housewives or something that you probably would know

because you love that show. So he was having all these flirty conversations. J girl from The Real Housewives of something that you probably would know because you love that show. So he was having all these flirty conversations. J-Lo found out and was like, they tried to make it work for like a week and everyone kind of knew

they were broken up and then they broke up. But like, what a dick. Men and those fucking DMs. Fucking, just don't be so stupid. When are men going to learn

to keep their digital dick in their pants? They just can't. When, when, when. No. Terrible. But she got her own back, I feel. Now she's gone on holidays with Ben Affleck and I'm there for it. Emotional affairs are the worst. My feeling on it is

that I would imagine that they're actually just mates and the reason I say that is because I know Ben Affleck is on Raya because we matched. Did you? No, we didn't. Oh, damn. I love that. Do you not think I would have opened with that? Yeah. Any news?

Do you not think me matching with Ben Affleck would have been more important than me throwing out a brain pleather chair? He's not your type. He's not my type. I would actually, do you know what, right? Especially after the back tattoo. I know Ben's fannying around on Rhea. I know that because there was some incident where this young one unmatched him and then

he sent her an Instagram video being like, hey, why did you unmatch me? It's me. Because he assumed she didn't think it was him. So going from that. But we don't know the timeline of that. That was before the J-Lo crap. No, but you know what we do know, Vogue? What?

And I've always been very firm on this. And my friend, Anya, fights at me relentlessly about this. But men like Ben do not go for women in their 50s. Men like Ben are like the wine

licking, lickingers. Lickers, the wine lickers. J-Lo is not a woman in her 50s. Like J-Lo is J-Lo. I'm telling you now.

You can't. J-Lo is not sitting at home knitting with a cup of tea. Not saying that's what women in their 50s do. J-Lo is on stage. She's, have you seen tea. Not saying that's what women in their 50s do. J-Lo is on stage. Have you seen the length

of her ponytail? It's down past her arse. J-Lo is slightly different. I'm telling you now, it's subconscious. It's caveman shit. Men smell fertility. They smell eggs.

They are drawn to the smell of it. I don't know what it smells like. You better go out to the bars because you're menstruating in a few days and people will smell it off you. I know. It smells like...

Jo, what does it smell like? Ham or... What are men into? Grabs. Golf. I know. It smells like... Jo, what does it smell like? Ham or... What are men into? Grabs. Golf. Sports. Maybe it smells like sports, does it, Jo? I don't know.

Maybe menstruate... I'd say it smells like raw chicken. That's a horrible... I was thinking more something like Jeremy Clarkson, like something men are quite drawn to. But okay, we'll go raw chicken. Jeremy Clarkson. I don't know.

Whatever simple basic man, whatever shit they like smelling. I am attracted to the smell of Lynx Africa, which I assume is what, this is what's so annoying. My body has grown, but my nasal tastes have not.

So I am technically attracted to the scent of a 17-year-old boy. Problem? Probably. Probably, yeah. Lynx Africa, I think, come on. Do you know when a man's like, oh, put on that lingerie to a woman,

I'm like to a lad, here. Oh my God, my knickers are so disappointing, honestly. I want to be one of those girls. Where have we gone? You were talking about lingerie and it just made me feel about, so disappointing, honestly. I want to be one of those girls. Where have we gone? You were talking about lingerie and it just made me feel about, my knickers are so disappointing. I have a whole drawer of fancy pants, basically.

Never see them. I just can't be bothered. Vogue, give them to me and I'll sell them. No, I thought you were going to say, I'll wear them. I was like, I don't think I want your cat flap in my knickers. Don't take my nickname for my vagina and pass it off as your own joke.

I called it your cat flap in my knickers. I couldn't fucking get into them. I told you at the time she tried to give me her leather. She was like, Vogue tricks me into thinking we're the same size. Sends me home with all these clothes. And then I'm stuck with an afternoon

of self-loathing as I try to get my arse into them do you remember the part I was like Vogue I actually sent her

a picture of my arse like hanging out the back of these leather you didn't try hard enough she was like you're not trying hard enough and I was like

bar slice it off with a machete I really don't know how I'm going to get my buttocks into these now you were worried about ripping them and you have to get past buttocks into these now you were worried about ripping them and you have to get

past that point and just keep pulling you have to stop convincing me we're in the same size we are that's some sort of sick joke

also where the hell is my necklace you're not wearing it today no because I didn't want to wear it because the other day for my birthday like it's

I have to give you all your stuff back but Vogue has this gorgeous Christian Dior necklace that I actually haven't worn yet she hasn't worn it she lent it to me for a telly job and I haven't dropped it back but Vogue has this gorgeous Christian Dior necklace that I that I actually haven't worn yet she hasn't worn it

she lent it to me for a telly job and I haven't dropped it back but I was but I was wearing it the night of my birthday with her consent with my consent

and you could just see Spencer was like happy birthday and he's like darling is that the Christian Dior necklace I bought you and I was like

yeah it is bitch bye bye honey he didn't even buy it for me I took Gigi and I left I'm like I own everything now he didn't even buy it for me I took Gigi and I left I'm like I own everything now

he didn't even buy it for me it was one of those moments that I was like oh god I forgot my card will you get that for me and I'll

I'll revoluted you I haven't revoluted it I think he's copped turned into a gift I think he's copped I think he knows he's not getting it back he could just see his eye

he's like happy birthday it's just focused on the Christian Dior necklace. I can't believe he noticed it. Yeah, Spencer? Yeah. Darling,

is that the necklace I bought you, John? Darling. Yeah. This peasant as well. Darling. Darling. Oh, we haven't spoken.

Okay, so how do we feel about JLo and Ben Affleck? Basically, I feel delighted. Joanne doesn't know, but I'm one of those people. I used to always get back with exes. Yeah, no, I don't. How many times did I get back with Al? Yeah, no, no, no. I know it was know, but I'm one of those people, I used to always get back with exes. Yeah, no, I don't. How many times did I get back with Al?

Yeah, no, no, I know. It was a lot. I think it's a familiarity thing. And I actually think, all joking aside, it's actually hard to meet someone that you really like. Yeah.

So then when something ends, also that I think a lot of relationships are based on nostalgia and sentimentality. So you remember all the good stuff and then you kind of go back. A lot of the time you get digmatized because you know the drill and where to go and blah, blah, blah, stuff and then you kind of go back a lot of the time you get digmatised because you know

the drill and where to go and blah blah blah we all go back I think I've gotten back with pretty much all my exes at least once

and actually what you say about being friends I would go on holidays I'd go on holidays with Al this is what I'm saying I would because we're friends

I'm telling you they're just friends I'm telling you you heard it here first I hope they're more that's all I'm saying yeah I would say that they're just friends I'm telling you you heard it here first I hope they're more that's all I'm saying yeah I would say that he's

I would say he's on holidays DMing 19 year old lingerie models while she's tanning herself and squatting in the gym that's my prediction

Ben Affleck I'm telling you Jennifer Aniston whatever her name is JLo are not in a relationship they are friends I'm telling you

that she's JLo and noyear-old girl can get between Ben and J-Lo. I'm telling you, you're fucking deluded. Okay, we'll see. And what I'm saying is... P.S. We'll get back to that. Not all men, hashtag not all men, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But famous men like Ben Affleck, who've women tossing their knickers at him. Digital knickers.

I wouldn't throw my knickers at Ben Affleck. Sorry, if Alex Rodriguez, that gargoyle. He's a gargoyle. He's in bits. If he is having a gargoyle. I asked Spencer if he was doing one time and he goes, of course, my little gargoyle. And I went, excuse me?

And then I looked at myself slowly in the mirror and I was, excuse me? And then I looked myself slowly in the mirror and I was like, fair. Don't be sad. He calls me a pig. Hello, pig. Gargoyles are great and they hold a great position of height on buildings. They do.

I like a gargoyle. Better than my friend Davey saying that he was whispering with his girlfriend, now wife, and Sarah was like, Davey, don't say it. Don't say it. And it was like he just couldn't keep it in anymore. He's like, do you want? And Sarah was like, Davy, don't say it. Don't say it. And it was like he just couldn't keep it in anymore.

And he's like, do you want? And she was like, Davy, no, no, don't say it. And I was there, oh my God, what is coming? What is going? And he was like, you are the absolute image of Princess Fiona from Shrek. And I was like, which version? When she's the princess or when she's an ogre?

The pretty version. He was like, when she's an ogre. That's mean. I was wearing a lot of plaits at the time. Listen, I know my own face. Well, it kind of offends me too because you look like part of my family. Some people think we're sisters. I know.

That leads us nicely into our next topic. Wow, that was skills there. That was good. Who heard that? Do we have any jingles or anything? Get your tambourine joke. Man. I had to no wait it's really hard to wait I know

she was ringing me yesterday I'm like stop it don't ring me outside of the pod I can't talk to you there this I liked this story this week.

So Blue were once mistaken for Blur and flown to Milan Fashion Week. So basically, what's your man's name? Anthony Costa from early noughties. Charpo there's Blue has regaled a hilarious story about his boy by getting messed up with Blur two decades ago. So back when they just started in 2001 and they just released that song,

I think it was just Rise or Rise and Donatella All rise, all rise All rise, all rise Blue are the best. Okay. So Donatella Versace anyway decided she wanted to invite them to Milan Fashion Week, sent a private plane got them decked out and Versace

Versace clothes, the hell she banged, the lads arrive and they're all in a line up like they're meeting the queen and she's really rude to them like he in his own words we got pod

we got pod pod pod pod pod they got pod piper pod by Donatella they're like what the fuck anyway turns out Donatella had actually asked for Blur and her assistant

had completely fucked up and booked Blue who literally had one song blur and her assistant had completely fucked up and booked Blue who literally had one song and wore head to toe denim like not exactly like they're basically the male they're basically the male bewitched right anyway he was telling the story and it got me

thinking about funny stories of kind of mistaken identity so I did a bit of a shout out. But there's a really famous case that I'd forgotten about. Apple was involved in a legal battle with Apple Corp. It was something about the Beatles. I don't remember the details. Anyway, the BBC had Guy Cooney booked to come in.

I saw this. This young, this man called Guy Comer came in. I think he was interviewing for like, I think it was like a security job or something like that. English not his first language. They get confused. They mic him up and they put him live on the television.

And it is so funny because God love Guy. He obviously just goes, I'm going to commit to this. I love the look on his face. I can't remember what they asked him. Oh yeah, they wanted to know about the verdict. They asked him

about the verdict. The legal battle. He replied, I'm very surprised to see this verdict come on me. I was not expecting that. No shit, guy.

No shit. A lot of the stories that came in were so funny. A lot of people getting mistaken for other people. You know,

some guy thought he was Paul Nichols. This story came in. It was a case of mistaken identity. It just made me laugh. Joanne, my mate works in a well-known laser hair removal clinic. One time she gave a client the disposable knickers and said, put them on, I'll be back in five.

When she comes back in, the girl is sitting 100% naked on the bed swinging her legs with the disposable knickers on her head with her hair coming out each leg section like pigtails. That's not really mistaken identity though.

I know. Things started to escalate. Yeah. I was minding a lady with dementia as a home carer in college and she used to get confused and think she was visiting

me in my house rather than hers. I'd just go with it because I'd only upset her by trying to snap her out of it. One day, she found a photo of her dead husband

in a drawer of her own house, which she thought was my house, and started accusing me of having an affair with him. No! This is funny. When I was studying film in Ballyfermot,

I was sitting at a bus stop waiting to get my bus home when a very drunk man came up and asked me if I was Sandra Bullock. I wasn't sure to be flattered or not because she's amazing and all, but she's like 50 and I'm 19. I told him I wasn't.

That's nothing more annoying. I told him I wasn't and pointed out if I would, it'd be pretty random if I was waiting at a bus stop in Ballyfermot. And I was like, well, she's starting a very successful bus moving she did actually

yeah came in from this lad called John my sister was just after buying a new curtain pile in Argos in Cork as she went across

the road a woman grabbed her and held on to her all the way across she realised that the curtain pile and her sunglasses had made the woman

think she was blind. Oh my God. Not wanting to cause any embarrassment, she just went with it for the whole thing. That reminds me of something I did. Tapping the curtain bell. The fucking rings on it. I don't know. I was walking through Battersea Park once, right?

We were at the end of the park just before you go to boom cycle um and there's this old man and it looked like he was trying to jump over the edge into the water and i ran over to him because like i was with jane and jane was like oh god and i ran over to him i was like oh oh god oh god i was pulling him back he was fucking stretching so his leg was just up on the wall. I was like, oh. Like, why don't you say sorry? I thought you were trying to kill yourself. You're like, don't do it.

You have so much to live for. But it really looked like he was trying to fling himself over. Oh, that's so embarrassing. But you've got a heart of gold. A heart of gold. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. But the've got a heart of gold. A heart of gold. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. But the mistaken identity

reminded me of a time, a friend of ours that you know as well, but we're not going to mention names. She was in America, right? She was in New York and she met this Brazilian lad and they were like,

you know, smooching. It was obvious like they were going to like get it on that night, going to different, different house parties, having a really nice time. You know,

she's kind of like having more drinks slipping slowly into the blackout classic standard standard standard

anyway leaves with your man goes home rides him next day she's like he's not as sound as I remember

rings our friend our friend's like where did you go and she's like I brought your man home and rode him and he's like no you didn't

he was at the party she brought a different lad home she didn't know oh god Joanne like it makes me think you're so lucky you get to

like you can go and bring one boy home and it will be the wrong boy but it doesn't matter because you can do that with your life it's going to be the summer of fun

of worldliness for Joanne and i'm going to live my sexual dreams through you can raise my underwear drawer right and you can go out in fancy pants every night of the week so you can bring a different boy home with your fancy pants thanks i can wear your fancy pants as a face mask because you're six times smaller than me. And stop feeding me with lies about my body shape. Imagine Spencer comes in, I mean, your knickers on the Christian Dior necklace. And he's like, all right, enough. I've had enough now. My next topic this week, which I loved. Actually, she can probably be

our spoofer of the week. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. She's the spoofer of the week. Welcome Gwyneth Paltrow. No, she's not here

because obviously she's much better things to be doing with herself. Spoofer of the week. So basically, Gwyneth Paltrow went completely off the rails during lockdown. She said she actually ate bread. She ate bread?

Yeah. She drank wine and she had pasta. I mean, I read this right after having a bucket of pasta on my way to a shoot yesterday afternoon. But like, people went mad. But like, Gwyneth has never lied either about the fact that she doesn't eat like rubbish. Let's look at her face. Her skin is see-through. She looks great.

She does look good. But I'd rather eat pasta and drink wine. Well, not drink wine. Let's be honest. I hate wine. I hate wine. It tastes like vinegar. But everybody, I wanted to ask

what the people found about themselves during lockdown. There was a lot, right? There was an awful lot of I didn't realize how much I dislike people. there was a lot right there was an awful lot of didn't realise how much I dislike people there was a lot of that because you have to

like because you don't have to spend so much time with them anymore so you're like actually do you know what I fucking don't want to hang out with you anymore I think I've found

how much I actually like people so I have the opposite to that there's a lot of I'm surprised I didn't kill my husband again got on really well

with my family. I'd touch and go with Theodore but like the rest of them. But like, I think you either wanted to kill people and never hang out with them again

or you got on really well with them. Yeah. There was a lot of started, this is for you Joanne, started drinking champagne decided to have a glass

every day to survive. That's very extra. That is amazing. Champagne's not cheap. I just bought another two bottles, by the way, because you polished the last ones I had. Did I? Did I?

She's got more. Three, what? So there's been a lot of drinking during lockdown. Ah, yeah. But do you know what, right? That was the main... Drinking is obviously... I mean, we're all just going to have to get the vaccine

and go straight into AA. There's none of me know I was like do we just go straight to AA or is there like a waiting room what's the deal after the second vaccine they've said that you have to

go straight to AA that aside right so this Gwyneth thing kind of fascinates me because like you say I much more respect Gwyneth she's like

do you know what I don't usually eat bread and I've started eating bread and people are like oh my god bread blah blah like obviously her rock bottom is a sliced pan that's not what she's saying usually eat bread and I've started eating bread and people are like, oh my God, bread, blah, blah.

Like, obviously, her rock bottom is a sliced pan. That's not what she's saying. I prefer when women are more honest. I don't think she has a sliced pan. I know.

I can't see Gwen chewing on a loaf of bread. She's got a ciabatta. She's making her own bread. Yeah. Yeah. And like, with kind of hippo eggs

on it and stuff. Oh, yeah. I would have thought you would have been into the sourdough trend of like... I do love it. Yeah, but not making your own. I thought you would have brought your own sour bread up with the mushrooms. You could have put the mushrooms on the sour bread toast

that you'd created it all yourself. Well, I'm just waiting to see if those mushrooms are psychedelic. I'm going to wait till they get big and then mummy's going to start breastfeeding the mushrooms. Mummy's going to... Come to get big and then mummy's going to start breastfeeding the mushrooms. Mummy's going to, come to mummy, mummy wants a kiss. Mummy's playing with lizards. I remember we were in Thailand one year and one of the lads ate a mushroom omelette

and a baguette. And he ran around to the beach taking all these photos of all these amazing things he'd seen, like lizards and little dinosaurs and everything.

And then we got them developed back in the day. And it was just like bits of vomit in the sand and an old beer bottle, like an ashtray. He's like, yeah,

I thought that was like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Anyway, do you know what? I'm a big fan of Gwyneth. This is what annoys me though because people love slagging Gwyneth

and they're like, Gwyneth's rock bottom was bread. And then people are tweeting going, wow, the low point of my pandemic was my mother dying.

Anyway, back to you Gwyneth. I'm like, I'm pretty sure Gwyneth knows the difference between a carb and a corpse. I don't think she was comparing the two.

But this is the thing. People just love to be like, oh, but like, you might feel like that, but I was way worse. It's like, okay, we know there's way worse things going on.

Of course. Just be lighthearted. She's not saying she buttered it. She did not use butter. She didn't butter it. She just ate bread. Okay. More things that people said.

Now, lots of people wrote in to say that they got really into running. I had Joanne running one lap at Battersea Park. Remember? You did one lap. Yeah, it was very embarrassing though. No, you were good. You were good.

You kept turning around to see if I'd like collapsed. I did. I did that like what Spencer does to me. He runs ahead and then he comes back to get me and he runs ahead and so I was doing that to Joanne.

But you still made a lap. Well, Winnie was walking beside me. That's how slow I was going. She was a speed walker. Winnie was literally like, what the fuck is the, like, what is the hell up here? I was going to say that,

you know the way Gwyneth likes to bring out kind of controversial candles? Yeah. Someone actually sent me if there's a candle at the moment called fuck boy repellent, which I thought was very funny.

I don't know where it was. Anyway. You don't need that. You need to accept fuck boys too at the moment. A woman actually asked me, can you stop talking about candles? And I was like, like fair but I was thinking

Gwyneth would bring out a new candle called eau de loaf like a scent like a carb scented candle like pasta scented candles also I'm also going to

throw this in the mix I think Gwyneth could be the biggest piss taker of all of us 100% and she's making a billion from it

so fair play all her like jade eggs and her vag candles and sets, like her candle, like this smells like your orgasm. I think she's taking the piss. Or, or.

She's trailing us. I think she's trailing us. I know, but or. I would say that, but she did call her kid Apple, so she might. It's a long running prank. I'm not going to lie.

It's a bit of a commitment. She started with Apple. It's a bit of a commitment. I know I'm Vogue I feel like I can't jump on the names like anything but I can

it's not my fault I didn't name myself so I can slag other people who have weirdo names do you know that I was originally christened Katrina were you? well adoption is the biggest

case of mistaken identity or recycling whatever way you want to look at it it's very sustainable that's what I'm saying I was upcycled from Roscommon to Dublin

upcycled Katrina from Roscommon to Dublin. Upcycled Katrina from Roscommon. Now you're more of a Joanne because you need that like Joanne. It's just the end. Even when Theodore calls you it's like Joanne.

Yeah. You need that for you. Yeah, yeah. I miss him. He loves you. He does love you. I love the way you post the photos of Gigi

eating food and it's just like she's got a ginger beard all the time. I know. Her nose is just like covered. She's started giving kisses now. got a ginger beard all the time I know her nose is just like covered she's started giving kisses now

her waving it's like I know she gives kisses but it's like a lick so cute she's so cute if anyone else did it

obviously I wouldn't be into it but now she can get away with it Joanne now I haven't bought any tickets to your Vicar Street by the way do I need to buy some?

you'll give me a ticket go on no of course I'll slip you in the back yeah I can have a but where would I course. I'll slip you in the back, yeah. But where would I sit? I'll slip you in the cat flap. That is all for this week. Remember, if you'd like to send us an email,

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