My Therapist Ghosted Me - Where Are The WAGs?

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

A question that someone ought to have posed when all of this football business got underway a month ago... What's happened to all the WAGs? Vogue & Joanne take a deep dive back to 2006 for some of the infamous WAG tales, Joanne has BIG influencer news and Vogue left the football at half time. Classic. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of thinking a thing, saying the thing, analysing the thing and if it all goes well, editing the thing out. On this week's episode, we have hate following, the Euros, and Wagga the Christy. Did you do nursing? No, but I wanted to do nursing. Not sure I see you in a nurse role. I did

nursing. You did the Alzheimer's place? I did the Alzheimer's home, yeah. It's just a home full of people with Alzheimer's. I really liked it though. Get them up in the morning, get them to mass, feed them. Get them to mass? Yeah, everyone had just a home full of people with Alzheimer's. I really liked it though. Yeah. Get them up in the morning. Get them to mass. Feed them. Get them to mass. Yeah, everyone had to be spun out in their wheelchairs to mass for 11. Oh yeah, at that age, you're getting as many masses in as you can.

You're bulk buying the masses. Do you remember going to mass and literally being like, when can we leave? And how long is mass? Because it felt like eternity this is so weird so yesterday I did Rob Beckett's panel show and they wanted me

to talk about they were like tell us a secret about you that nobody knows and of course I was saying listen at this stage there's literally there's nothing

like there's nothing but then I remembered I was like you know I was an altar server where are you an altar girl yeah I am so jealous of that so I acted it out on the show and I was like, you know, I was an altar server. Where are you? An altar girl? Yeah. I am so jealous of that.

So I acted it out on the show and I was saying that you can't, the girls weren't allowed on the altar, only the boys, because they were the special ones, which in hindsight, I'm delighted I wasn't the chosen one. Oh my God, I'm surprised

there was only your altar girl. There was any altar girl. Yeah, we were delayed on the altar in case our genitals rattled Satan. Oh no. I always wanted to be one of them though. I didn't, how did you get into that? there was any altar girls yeah we were delayed on the altar in case our genitals rattled Satan oh no I always wanted to be one of them though how did you get into that

great way to pass the time huge number of auditions really a lot of training no oh did they just pick you you just went up to the church

you were like go on give us give us those robes there stop I never knew that banging out the incense out of that giant cat bell I obviously yeah that stinks.

A lot of power. I don't like incense. I don't like the way someone's house smells of incense. I was 11 years of age deciding who went to hell and who went to heaven. That's a lot. Well, you're the right person for the job. I am, yeah. I'm going to, where am I going?

Where am I going? Heaven. Thank you. Jo? I was like, does she mean holidays? Or like in the afterlife? You wouldn't know with her. St. Barth or heaven?

St. Barth or heaven? St. Barth. Yeah, of course. You can't tan in heaven. You can only tan in hell, Vogue. Joanne, I don't tan. Are you mad? I'm not ruining the skin.

I work too hard on this face to get it tanned. If I get a tan on holidays now, I'm so outraged. It's like, it angers me. But then why are you brown? You weren't born that color, that brown. You've obviously changed

your skin pigmentation after years of tanning. John, I literally just did my tan. I haven't even washed it off yet. No. Remember when you wanted me to do a before and after tanning video and I was like

why can't you do it Vogue and you were like because I'm naturally tanned I'm naturally like a yellow kind of colour so I don't you know those people who are real pasty white

I'm so jealous of them because their before and after looks so amazing because it's like white white white white white yeah see see you if you whacked a bit of tan on you

it would be unreal whereas mine is just like a glow up yeah yeah yeah. I live in tan. I'll never not be tanned ever to this day. Joanne, you're weak. Tell me what, you're flying. You're all over the place.

I never see you. When was the last time you were in my house? I'm going to take the key back soon. Do not take that key back. Well, I haven't seen you. The Peloton has gone rusty. I've only just found the key again. I thought I'd left it in Cambridge.

I was absolutely delighted to find it under the bed. Oh, tell us about Cambridge. So I went to Cambridge to play the Cambridge Comedy Festival. So I got the train to Cambridge train station. Yeah. Thinking that was a fair assumption. But it's the Cambridge Comedy Festival isn't actually near Cambridge train station. Yeah.

But so I ended, anyway, whatever, we pulled the gig, Grant, but I ended up then accidentally watching the Euros through the window of one of those like Wrigley Goon,

Ratherspoon, Young Tavern pubs in Cambridge. And I drank two, I was waiting for the train back to London, I drank two large whites, two large white wines

and the next day, because I was supposed to train with John Belton, and I was like, John, I actually feel like I've drank a truck full of white wines and the next day because I was supposed to train with John Belton and I was like John I actually feel like I've drank a truck full of toilet duck and I've realised why the wine in those cheap places

it's like UHT milk it's like that wine that just will never go off it's like grape powder disgusting that's what it's like

it's like grape flavoured the next day I woke up and I had do you know those hangovers we were talking about this like a cabbage like it's like. It's like grape flavoured. The next day I woke up and I had, do you know those hangovers? We were talking about this. Like a cabbage. Like it was like sludge.

I hate that. I had a cabbage head. You're usually sparkly in the morning. I know. You could have boiled my head. It was like soup up there. And I potted around all day. I got nothing done but I was fixing things all day.

I was putting up a hanger and then putting it on the other side of the room and then picking up a sock. Two glasses of wine. This is the problem with the UK. Why? The large wines.

You see, since I've grown up in the last year. Shouldn't be allowed. No, they shouldn't. But since I, and if anyone measures a wine, like stop measuring the wine,

just give me a glass. I know. I get really triggered when I see them measuring it. It's like, stop it. It really annoys me. But since I've grown up

and I've entered, I still love boozing, by the way, it hasn't faded. I love it. I's like, stop it. It really annoys me. But since I've grown up and I've entered, I still love boozing, by the way. It hasn't faded. I love it. I'm rubbing off on you in many ways. Oh, yes.

Because you've made me funnier and you've made me like booze more. Vogue, you brought up the funny thing. I just agreed. You said it. But also, I really love that

you've taken to the drink. I have taken to the drink in a major way. But you, see, you're drinking the cheap wine in Wetherspoons and stuff like that. You can't do that. I purchased myself a lovely bottle of champagne and then I even go for the Spenny vodka.

I don't buy Smirnoff anymore. I treat myself. Whereas I'd see it and like, there's still a part of me, the student part of me that's like, just get the red square, get the red square. And I'm like, no, I have to get the red square get the red square and I'm like no I have to

get this fence of fun and then I don't feel like crap like the other day Monday I sailed through Monday and I was out with Becky I probably had a bottle of champagne

a full bottle and then I probably had like three more drinks after that woke up the next day grand but I'm still a woman of the people

okay I'm Joanne from the block I'm representing the layman you're okay I'm Joanne from the block I'm representing the layman you're representing the high flyer like I would now in fairness

I no longer drink own brand vodka no actually Lidl's meant to have nice gin and stuff like that you can drink it

and then clean the bathroom with it after it's fantastic you used to do like I'll drink it and then unclog the sinks. That's brilliant. I didn't care.

This is the thing. Like, I don't care for taste. I care for effect. No, it is about the effect, but it's the next day. I can't waste my day

of like, dying of a hangover. No, it is true. If you do spend money on alcohol, like if you drink it like a normal human being,

there, it, yeah, you do feel better. So even though like my booze probably cost me like 100 quid, it's not like I do that every week. I have a giant bag. I was like rummaging through this huge, big kind of fat makeup bag thing full of cigarettes, sleeping tablets, condoms. Is that your Friday night bag? Xanax, Prozac, Salfordine. Diurelite. The odd earring and stuff that

I can't find the pairing to. Yeah. And like a Baraka mashed down the bottom of it. And I'm like, oh, where's my handbag? Just the same as like me rinsing through a bag of tinfoil, basically. It's disgusting. I was like, this bag is why I'm single. This is why I'm single. This bag has to go.

My AIDS. My sleeping AIDS. Wakey, wakey AIDS. I'll tell you one thing. My happy, happy AIDS. She's had me up the last three nights again. And you know what? I did something mean last night.

I couldn't take it anymore. It actually got so annoying that I was like, oh my God. And I just closed her door tight and I closed mine. And that was it. We all woke up at 10 was like, oh my God. And I just closed her door tight and I closed mine and that was it. We all woke up at 10 to 7 happy as Larry. Well, my friend, Ashtray,

not her real name. What? Oh, okay. Her name's Ashling. We'd call her Ashtray. Has had a baby. Yeah. Called Cirilla.

And she was, God love her, losing her mind. The baby would not sleep unless it was literally on her tit. Like literally, like attached to her.

And Aisling was having a mini breakdown. But anyway, she got that sleep professional person. She was like, you have to let the baby cry, let the baby cry,

let the baby cry. And I sure know the thing's out like a light. You have to, you have to let them wind you a little bit. And she's now getting too used to me coming in and bringing her into our bed. And she's literally sitting up in the bed,

laughing at us, whacking us. And I'm just like, no, no, no. Half four in the morning, back to bed. And Spenny came bounding in. He's like, actually, I might step into some emails. I'm wide awake now. And then he comes back in 15 minutes later. She won't sleep.

Help me. And I'm like, oh, I thought you were doing emails, pal. Go sit in a room and do emails emails I'm wide awake now and then he comes back in 15 minutes later she won't sleep help me and I'm like oh I thought you were doing emails pal go sit in a room and do emails and leave me alone you just reminded me

Aisling the baby because she wears a little bow basically everyone thought Cirilla was a boy and mums get very upset about this

and everyone thought Cirilla was a boy so Aisling put a bow in her hair and then someone was like why is he wearing a bow oh babies don't look like a boy or a girl well maybe until they're a bit older bow in her hair and then someone was like why is he wearing a bow? Aww.

Babies don't look like a boy or a girl until they're a bit older. She just looks like Spencer. That's kind of offensive to me. I don't think she does look like her. No, thank you.

Thank you very much. So what else did you we can tell you? You went off you went to Cambridge. The Euros. This is when I was travelling while the Euros

were on. The Euros. on the Euros Euros Euros okay so I was on route to Cambridge the gig that never happened

and I was out and about while the purge was happening yeah fucking terrified I was like I need to get home before 8 o'clock

I was in London and the tubes were rammed now I know I can't oh god you got back to London at 8 roughly it was like it was kicking God, you got back to London at eight? Roughly. It was like it was kicking off as I got back.

Oh God. But first, a couple of things, right? Firstly, I'm not good with crowds. And so the kind of the zest, the enthusiasm in the tubes and stuff, I find horrific. But I was like, Joanne, you're an Irish person in London.

You can't be really giving out that they're crowding their own tube system. Yeah. So I was like, fair enough. But now I Irish person in London. You can't be really giving out that they're crowding their own tube system. Yeah. So I was like, fair enough. But now I know you don't know what the tube is, but it's a system of Pringle tubes in the ground. It takes the poor people around London. Oh, I've heard about that.

It's basically the steerage of the Titanic. You and Spano be up the top swinging out of the chandeliers. I'd be down the bottom drowning. We'd be on, yeah, we'd be on the boats before even the kids. There's no first class on the tube, Vogue. You wouldn't like it. Vogue would be like, can I order champagne? Why are all the staff on here with us?

Spencer, I'm scared. You would be scared on the tube at a certain time, wouldn't you? Oh my, it is carnage down there. Have you ever seen the footage of the subway system in China where they get on? I know, and they squish them on? They squish them in and then they're literally

the door. The door. I know. I think it says a lot about a person when you get stuck in the tube door if you jump out

or you jump in. Oh, always in. Always in. Me? Always out. Always out? Always out. Why?

You'll miss the tube then. Now the one thing about the tube is like you go down and it's like the next tube like you go down and it's like the next tube is in three minutes and it's literally like oh

I know we're not waiting at home it's like 25 minutes for every dart and you're just stuck there can't even wait three minutes for a tube you're like the next dart to Klein

will be on Monday at 9am you're like okay I live in town now branch so anyway so the Euros so it was like the purge

and I was like get me the fuck out of here I actually found the Euros almost like the violence was so full on which we're not going to get into but what I will say is

I'd say the team when they lifted the ban like because of coronavirus when they lifted the audience ban I'd say even the team were like for fuck's sake no?

yeah it honestly felt like it was a boxing match with a little bit of football just in the middle. I know. They're just like, they're hooligans. They are hooligans.

But imagine being like, even that like Spanish player who missed his penne ages ago. I know that was a few matches ago, but like he's being harassed by the press and everyone's just writing about missing penalties. I'd miss a penalty if I had to do that in front of everyone.

I went out, we went out with Becky for a while, Spenny was raging. So he's not even into football. But it was the Euros and it was England playing and actually, I was up for England then

because I kind of choose. I'm always up for Ireland first. Then if Ireland get knocked out, it's a tough choice between Scotland and England. I would have said Scotland. Now I have a bit of an English family

so I kind of have to say England now. A whole English family, not a bit. Well, a bit. They're half Irish Irish we'd always go Irish first though of course

Jesus Christ I know but watching it so we went out with Sven and we were watching it and we're sitting there and then like because I'm such a weirdo and I just want to

I had to leave at half time I was like we're leaving here at half time we had a really nice set up and pizza eat and we're sitting there watching the match and I was like

no we have to go and he was like no can we not and I was like no we have to go I can't and pizza to eat and we're sitting there watching the match and I was like, no, we have to go. And he was like, no, can we not? And I was like, no, we have to go. I can't stand having to sit there. We got home. We only missed five minutes

of the second half. I wanted to be at home so I didn't get stuck in the rat race. I'm the same, sure. I left Michael McIntyre's concert for the exact same reason. I was in the,

what was he in? The O2, the O12? What's it called? The O2. And I was there having a ball. It was a great time. And then I realised me and these 30,000 other people were all going to be leaving at the same time.

And I said to whoever was with me, I think it was Sophie, I was like, get your shit, we're going. One minute I was like, get your shit, we're going now. I'm not dealing with that. Not dealing with the crowds. Not a hope.

I wouldn't queue for my own funeral. Thank God I won't have to. How much would I have to pay you to have been in Leicester Square the night of the football? Not a hope. I wouldn't queue for my own funeral. How much would I have to pay to have been in Leicester Square the night of the football? Not in a million years. How much? How much?

Well, I would have paid money to see that lad stuff a rocket up his arse. This is the thing. I think sports, like football, is therapy for men who think therapy

is for the weak. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's men who can't express their feelings so they don't speak from one end of the ear to the next

and then it escalates to next thing they're drinking whiskey out of each other's ass cracks. It goes from having nothing to do with each other, won't even look each other in the eye, to literally sticking rockets up each other's hell and tapping each other's ass. It's so odd.

Like I just am into that vibe. I just know. They scream abuse. It's like if I went to a Celine Dion concert and she got a note wrong and I was like, you cunt! That's not being a fan. It's like if I went to a Celine Dion concert and she got a note wrong and I was like, you cunt! That's not being a fan.

It's being just hideous. That's abuse. I did enjoy it though. I did enjoy it and I didn't have a hangover after it because of my expensive drinking habit. It sounds bad, but like expensive bottles of drink

that I'm drinking. I know. I did have a great time. I did. Where did you go? I was texting of drink that I'm drinking. I know I did have a great time. Where did you go? I was texting you you weren't drinking. I had those two giant glasses of

UHT wine and then I went home to bed yeah. I was trying to get your aunt to come to my house she wouldn't come. I've changed.

She has changed she actually wouldn't come. All I will say is not slagging off lads I love lads as we all know but I've never seen

someone trying to break up a crowd at like a gymnastics event it's always football I didn't even go to Wimbledon I got invited to Wimbledon and I was like I'm choosing between Wimbledon and the football and I chose the football and that was a big big mistake but then again I don't want to sit in a car all the way to Wimbledon a car while I'm being scurried onto the ground on the back of a rat. I'm literally riding two rats like holding their manes to get me to events and you won't get a car to Wimbledon.

Oh my God, look at me from the side. Look at my boobs from the side. Not a tit on me. Go on, go on Jo, you can have a look. Not a tit to my name. Buy your tits. No, I wouldn't want to do that.

I'd get those things that you stick in your bra. I noticed what I noticed about the Euros. The Euro? How do you say it, Jo? Euros. Yeah, it is the Euros.

Yeah. How I say about the Euros is, do you know what I was like? Do you know what this is missing? I was like, this just doesn't feel right. It's like, there's all the violence

without the drama. Where are the wags? I love the wags. Where are the fucking wags, Jo? I adore the wags. They were there. They're not as good. No, they're not.

They're not the same. They're not the OG Bade and Bade in 2006 wags. Bringing it back even to just like recent wags. Colleen Rooney, Wagatha Christie is one of my favourite stories ever.

And Rebecca Vardy. Like, have you, do you know that whole thing? Ah, do I know it? I am a signed up member of the Rebecca Vardy party. Oh my God. Oh, so you think Rebecca Vardy

didn't do it? Totally innocent. Ah, you see, do you want, I don't know, who has access to her? Like seriously, there's loads of people

that have access to my social media accounts. I don't believe that. I don't believe who has access to her. Like seriously, there's loads of people that have access to my social media accounts. I don't believe that. I don't believe it. Nobody has access to mine except me. Not even my management. Nobody. I just don't think if you were in the wrong that you'd go that far with this and bring it to court.

Like they're going to spend a million. They could have just given that money to charity and not wasted it on all that shit. But I think it's gone so far and it's so embarrassing what she did that she has to kind of try and find it. What if she's found guilty? Who, Colleen? Rebecca.

Her life is ruined. Now, I do think it needs to be resolved, but this feels more like a Jeremy Kyle situation than a High Court situation. It is so Jeremy Kyle I mean to bring Jeremy back one episode this reeks of lie detector

and someone throwing pot plants and like and if she did do it who cares like what real stories like about Colleen Rooney like lately honestly Colleen Rooney

went to cricket and bought another jumper like there's not that much stories on her why does she care I wouldn't I did try and find out somebody who,

because Theodore's name was leaked, but his full name, Theodore Frederick Michael Matthews. And I'm like, how the hell? Who said that? And I had two people

in my camp that I thought did. But I wasn't Margaret the Christy enough. But like, I don't really think I'd care either enough to put it out there in the public realm.

You just say it to that person. By the way, dude, I know you did that. 100%. You're out. It's really petty. but the only good thing I can come from this now in my opinion

is to make a movie about it called Petty Woman yeah I want to see that famous scene recreated where Rebecca Vardy goes into an extension shop

with like trying to buy hair extensions with all the money and they're like we have nothing to suit you here yeah she'd be like exiled by Colleen Rooney

she's like but I've got all this money yeah Colleen Rooney must be the like the wag no the OG wag is probably

Victoria Beckham Victoria Beckham is queen of the plastic she's queen wag yeah it was like a pyramid scheme and then Cheryl Cole for a short time

yeah there was loads of them I can't remember Cheryl Cole there was loads of them They used to walk in formation with a pot at the top and then she'd give people the nod or not give people the nod and they were let in or they weren't let in. Do you remember the wag look? Yeah. I wanted to be that wag look with my stuck on extensions, a tank top. Didn't really have the legs for

the little white shorts, but I persevered. Microdenim, radioactive tan. Yes. Watch the size of a dinner plate. Yep. Questionable hat wear. This sounds kind of like what I still wear.

But it's come back in. It's come back in. Fashion comes in circles. Fashion comes in circles. Their look was amazing but it is like the stuck on extensions and like they kind of

still are the wags but I think that was kind of an offensive term. They all looked slightly malnourished. Yeah. Super, super thin. Huge boobs. God, can you imagine?

That'd be the worst thing about being married to a footballer. You'd have to go to all the games. And you wouldn't be able to, you would not be allowed to leave Wembley early. Apparently when they were in Baden-Baden, the Spanish newspaper. What the hell is Baden-Baden the Spanish newspaper what the hell is Baden-Baden

that's where the was it the Euros or the World Cup final World Cup that was when it was on that was where the wags that's where it was like born

that's where it all started yeah but the Spanish newspaper called the wives the wags hooligans with visas oh my god yeah because they were

smoking like they're not you know now we've got versus Kate Middleton who's there in a tweed coat just going whereas these birds were, they're not, you know, now we've got versus Kate Middleton who's there in a tweed coat just going, whereas these birds were like, they're all drinking, smoking.

They were shopping in Baden-Baden. They were on the tables in karaoke bars knocking them over. They were good crack. Great crack. It was like a hen party. Great crack.

And the wags this time weren't even allowed to see their fellas. Wags this time, they're wearing Zara jeans. Where's the tacky glam shit that we're used to? Where's the drama? Where's the her're used to? Where's the drama?

Where's the drama? No, we didn't get any of that, to be honest. Beacon of drama. Me and Vogue looked up the top wag wars. God, I love this. I love gossip. I can't tell you how much I love gossip. I know how much you love gossip.

I know. As soon as I see something, I'm like, so what's the goss? I don't even care how they are I just want to know what's the gossip whose lives can be ruined today I think gossip actually undermines

what it is I think it's important intel yeah it's nice to know things gossip makes it sound like it's just fizzy bits of irrelevant information

we're swapping important intel we're keeping people alive yeah we are if it wasn't for women telling each other shit, back in the day, how would you know

that that berry would kill you or that Lord Wankalot had syphilis? We're going to tell you all the nice things and we're not bitchy. We're not bitchy. Okay.

But if anyone has any goss, do send it in to our pod email. Yeah, we don't even care what it's about. Yeah, I don't even care if it's about your granny's sister. I want to know.

The best gossip is when you're like, do you know such and such? And they're like, no. And it takes you 20 minutes to explain who the person is. And they're like, oh yeah's sister? I want to know. The best gossip is when you're like, do you know such and such? And they're like, no. And it takes you 20 minutes to explain who the person is. And they're like, oh yeah, okay, I think I know them. And then you tell them the gossip and you're like, amazing. I don't even know this person. I don't even care. Anyway, okay, so Colleen,

blah, blah, blah. We've discussed Ragged the Christy. The big one. Vicky B and Katie Price. This was the large. This is ongoing as far as I know. Well, they don't like each other. That's over Dan Barrows, I thought, no? Well, so according to one of Katie Price's many autobiographies,

two of which I own. Oh, John. When she was dating football... I found one of them on the tube. The Pringle system down the ground. When Katie Price was dating footballer Dwight York in 2001, she attended a Manchester United match

where she was met with his teammate David Beckham's wife Victoria in the players lounge. In the stuff of showbiz legend it has been told that Victoria

along with a pal began singing Baja Men's 1999 hit Who Let The Dogs Out. Oh no. Who let the dogs out. Woo.

Woo. Woo. Woo. That was a tune. That was a tune. I was like well I would have said she probably didn't sing and she probably lip synced it

but she anyway she made the point zing thanks Jo do you know what do we think that's true or not let's decide if we think that's true

100% 100% so anyway so it goes on right so obviously okay that was the start of it right

oh I'd say Victoria Beckham she was like this is my squad this is my it right oh I'd say Victoria Beckham she was like this is my squad this is my team this is my team God David Beckham was stunning in real life

I saw him before then Katie alleged this was her revenge and I was like this is good that David which he staunchly

denies David's never not staunchly denying something as far as I can see yeah he has always denied shit held her hand in a nightclub

behind Victoria's back. Held, okay. I didn't feel starstruck. This is in one of Katie's other autobiographies. I didn't feel starstruck by Victoria. But I must admit to feeling a bit of a thrill around David. He's so good looking. He has such a fit body

and he's so nice with it. In 2000, their paths crossed for the first time and Victoria collaborated with Katie's then boyfriend, Dane Bowers, on her track Out of Your Mind. You look really easy. Yeah, and after a performance at Party in the Park, oh my god, the nostalgia, the group went clubbing.

Katie alleged, Dane was DJing and I was standing with the famous couple. Suddenly I felt someone take my hand and squeeze it gently as if to reassure me that I shouldn't be overruled by all the hype. It was David. I looked at him in surprise and he was looking right back at me. Imagine how you would feel if David Beckham held your hand. Victoria was standing right next to us,

so I thought, I better keep my mouth shut. I would have given anything for her to disappear at that moment and leave me alone. One of the world's sexiest men. I guess I'll never know what David was thinking. This is the dinger. Maybe he was showing that he understood what it was like to be caught up in Dane

and Victoria's desperate bid to become number one. Yikes! Give me more, give me more wags. I like Victoria Beckham though. Oh yeah, I'd say she's sexy.

I'd say loads of people are dicks though. Like, come on, all the dicks that we come across and it's like, oh God, please. That was like the big one. Oh yeah,

and we did know, we knew that there was some beef when Ashley cheated on Cheryl. Cheryl said she was disappointed that she never heard from Victoria because they'd spent a lot of time together

and they were like friends and their mums were friends or something like that. Oh God, that was really sad. I felt so sorry for her then. She says to this day she doesn't know what happened to you,

never admitted anything to her. There's, that's, yeah, but, I mean, he's guilty as. Oh,

he's so guilty. I suppose it is actually nicer when you do find out. So like, when I found out someone cheated on me, I was kind of, it is like the relief

of knowing. But when I knew it was going on back at the time, it was like, no, it's not, no,

it's not. And it's like, it is actually. And then you find out that it did and it's like it is actually and then you find out that it did and it's like I knew I wasn't completely bad

they tell you you're mad I've had that done to me so annoying if we're expecting footballers to be monogamous I it is like it's ridiculous

like whatever about men in general like whatever but like actual football they shouldn't bother putting their dicks back in they should just leave their dicks out they shouldn't bother putting their dicks back in they should just leave their dicks out

they shouldn't even have zips their dick is constantly dipped they're constantly dipping the wick I'm sorry they absolutely fucking are Joanne you have all these no I disagree with you

not all the footballers are like that I refuse to believe it you know what men are like they oh now she's doing it about men no Joanne don't be a man hater

and wear your man hating clothes I love men and it's called lesbian chic folk I've got that bloody Dame Bearer song in my head now I'm all over the moon

and I get my real head in I can't believe I forgot to, I got the dice. Okay, so this is where I am. This is where I am in my life, right? I realized, I was like, I somehow seem to be accidentally slipping into the role of Influencent. Yeah, you are. Which I need to slip back out of because I had this moment of clarity as I unpacked my Dyson

like I'd just cured cancer with the excitement. I was like, Joanne, you're supposed to be a writer. You're supposed to be writing shows, not writing letters to Dyson begging them for a free vacuum. Joanne, how happy did the vacuum make you? Insanely.

Like, it's my reason to get up in the morning now. I'm like, oh God, I can't face another... The Dyson's here! Yeah. It used to be, I don't want to get up. Oh, maybe I could get a Prada Mangia. Now it's the Dyson! I'm wrapping my hair, hoovering the rug.

I saw you got an air wrap as well. They literally nails you. I got an air wrap. Wow. I got a lamp. I got a lamp. I got a lamp. You want to check out the Dyson lamp?

You'll be thinking twice about not being an influencer. I'm not. I'm backing out of the influence. No, you can't. I'm back out now. You've just done free influencing for Dyson.

If I actually spent the time writing the book in the sitcom I'm supposed to be writing, I could fucking buy my own Dyson. Do you know what I mean? This is true. And I wouldn't have to spend a week. I spent three years trying to get a Dyson. Like, I could fucking buy my own Dyson. Do you know what I mean? This is true. And I wouldn't have to spend

a week, I spent three years trying to get a Dyson. Like, I didn't really talk to myself after that. Once the adrenaline of the Dyson

subsided and I'd wrapped the hair, I was like, what am I doing? Do you get the feeling though, like when I get, when I'm on my way home to like Winston or something

and he's so excited to see me, is that how you feel about the Dyson? I was absolutely thrilled. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All in my head, I was like,

holidays are coming, holidays are coming. And then I was like, will I wait till the morning to open it? Will I wait till the morning to open it? And I was like,

no, open it now. It was like midnight. I'm 38. It was, you know, I opened it with a scissor by myself in my room. That's just what we like. Oh my God,

speaking of my age, this girl sent me a screen grab. She said, I'm just going to leave this here. And it was, she'd searched, what age is Joanne McNally? And you know the way it comes up, the most searched things. Yeah. The first one was, is Joanne McNally adopted? Where is Joanne McNally from?

And the third one was, is Joanne McNally a man? Oh! I get that. I get that I get that is Joanne McNally a man I get that Joanne

out of the two of us we're not very feminine ever even in like in life it's like it's like I don't know

polishing a turd with us like if you took nice clothes on sometimes I mean I agree like but I know is this because I told you you had a wide gait

I was out I was out Like, but I know, is this because I told you you had a wide gait? I was out for a run the other day, right? I say you were. Two strides and she's taken in the whole of Battersea Park. And I actually noticed myself putting my legs more together

to not have a wide gait. Trotting along like a pony. Like, get rid of this wide gate. So I did the... Rob Beckett has this new panel show called Undeniable, which I recorded last night. Yeah. And so it's like facts and trivia,

and you have to decide what's true and what's not true. I'm going to give you these three facts, and you have to decide which one's true. Okay, girl. I love these games. I'm going to give you these three facts and you need to decide which one's true. Okay, go. I love these games.

Tina Turner was used to sell spam in North Korea, rehabilitate prisoners in Mexico, or scare pigeons at Gloucestershire Airport. Gloucestershire. Gloucestershire. Yeah. I'm going to say...

Gloucestershire. What was the middle one again so the spam what was the next one North Korea rehabilitate prisoners rehabilitate prisoners

I went for that too Voguey did you yeah and we're both wrong oh it's to scare pigeons in Gloucestershire airport

Gloucestershire airport Gloucestershire yeah Gloucestershire apparently some lad drives around in a van blaring Tina Turner out to scare them off the runways.

That's unacceptable. Tina Turner is honestly, it's the one person in the world that I would lose my shit over and look like an absolute freak. If I saw Tina Turner, I know a man who went out with Tina Turner. Yes.

Yeah, I sat and I know him. I know him, but I can't ask him anything about it because supposedly we're not allowed to do that. But how cool is that? I basically touched Tina. I went to see her in the O2, did you? Or what is it called?

The Three Arena. No, I went to see her musical, which was, I went to see her musical in the West End, which was fun. Jo, have you seen the musical? Oh my God. It's next. It's next.

And I went to the matinee, which can be a bit annoying because it's full of old people. I was at the matinee. Sucking through straws and there's a lot of noise going on. Not a huge amount of energy.

There's a lot of medication being taken. A lot of pills being popped at the matinee because it's just all old people. But I still had an absolute baaah. So Vogue,

tell me about your week. So my week was very interesting. I got my profilo. Yeah. You've been invited in there by the way and you're going to miss out. I'm going to have a glowy dewy face and you won't have one. I know. I'm going in for my profilo. Yeah. You've been invited in there by the way and you're going to miss out. I'm going to have a glowy

dewy face and you won't have one. I know I'm going in for my profiteroles next week. Jo you know the profiteroles we've explained it to you where they inject juice into your face

and it goes all creamy like the dessert. It does stay like a little lump for a while to be fair but it is joyous. Gigi Gigi who used to be behind looks like she might be

ready to walk soon. Yep. Yep. Yep. She is Where's she walking to? Where's she going? ready to walk soon. Yep. Yep. Yep. She is. Where's she walking to? Where's she going? On fire.

She's still on her walker. And Theodore is so mean. He'll come and like grab it off her so then she just falls. It's so mean. But like it's what you used to do as kids.

Yeah. So Gigi has nearly started walking. I'm planning Gigi's birthday. She's almost one. I will come. You can come. Well hold on.

What's the plan? There's not really a plan. I'm literally doing just a cake and I might get pizza and we're literally going to just be there for an hour

and that's it do not book her a table in Soho House or something make a day of it well we book her a table in Soho House but she's not allowed

to come but we'll book the table and we'll get a dessert sent we'll sing happy birthday to her and send her the video perfect that's a good idea

okay her birthday is sorted. I also did Steph's packed lunch and I wanted to talk to you about this. Yeah. So I, thank God, well, I hadn't had my profile, no, I did have my profile up before that, so I was delighted.

But we went on and did no makeup. What do you think about that? I saw that. You still looked amazing. I had my fake tan face spray on though. Aha! I knew it! Don't leave the house without that.

Don't leave the house. I look like a green monster Do you know what my feeling on makeup is? A. I love it I love it But B.

I notice when I'm doing shows and I'm done like I've got heavy makeup on because obviously you've the telly makeup on

I just feel like I'm wearing a weird mask I think I'm I just prefer a more subdued look. I think when you get older as well I'm not saying

that we're old I think like the glitter eyeshadow has got to go. I like to do I was wearing it all last night. You were wearing

glitter eyeshadow? Yeah and like strip lashes and everything. Oh no strip lashes no not for us. Really? Not for us. So basically what I was

saying was last night when I had the makeup done and everything and usually when you get you know when you get your makeup done why am I looking at Joe you feel like really glam

and stuff whereas I couldn't wait to get home and get it off I was like oh my face is itchy my eyes feel dry I was like I just want it off too much

I don't even like I feel like I don't even really wear that much eyeliner anymore I feel like the older you get the less you wear but like I wear loads I remember

I used to think I honestly used to think if I left the house without mascara I'd be put into the back of an ambulance and taken to a morgue I remember I used to think I honestly used to think if I left the house without mascara I'd be put into the back of an ambulance and taken to a morgue I thought I looked

like a dead person that's how I feel about like a concealer I do look like I've been punched isn't it funny actually I think as you get older you kind of accept

your face more that's the one good thing about ageing you do you give less of a shit about stuff you do accept your face more but then no one whistles at you in the streets.

That's the downside of that. Oh my God. So the other day, right? And this never really happens. So I was in this gym gear. It was all white gym gear. Well, I know. I have never.

That is, that's sexy. I never would have, well, I tell you what. I got so many beeps and stuff like that. Like there was a guy in a car on his own and he like slowed down and started shouting something at me and beeping. And I'm like, dude, you're on your own. Like there was a guy in a car on his own and he like slowed down and started shouting something at me and beeping. And I'm like, dude, you're on your own. Like, what are you doing?

Girls, if you want those lecherous men leaning out the side of cars, glutes by Vogue. Glutes by Vogue. And also be super tanned. No, but I was thinking, Joanne, if you went out... Get those sexual assault vibes going, girls,

in my new gym gear. I was kind of shocked though by the amount of people just because I was because I don't like I'm always running around in gym gear but it was the white gym gear.

Yeah but you look like Cindy Crawford walking the streets of Batters Lane. No I didn't. It was the white. It was the white. But anyway

I do find it weird when men do that. I don't hate it but sometimes it's just like you know what you're making me feel a bit uncomfortable and I'm on my own.

Especially when I come into work on a Sunday morning, I'm always really freaked out because there's loads of pissed people and you just don't want anyone to say anything to you. I remember when I was young and I was walking around where we grew up and there was a load of builders. Like, I was young enough, I was too young. Like, I was

probably on my way to altar serving. That's how young I was. Okay, maybe I wasn't that young. I was probably about 14 or something. Anyway, they whistled, they kept, I was going on my way to altar serving that's how young I was okay that's maybe I wasn't that young I was probably about 14 or something anyway they whistled they kept

I was going up and down to the shop to literally buy Tempe crisps and they kept staring and gawking and I was not a hot kid Jo I was not a hot kid

me neither alien I was not a hot kid right so anyway I was walking up and down and eventually they were like slaying and saying stuff

and I remember I snapped and I was like I'm old enough to be your daughter like I was and then that was it I'm old enough to be your daughter. Like I was, and then that was it. They just shut the fuck up then.

But it was, it was gross. So weird. It was gross. But I would never, like imagine you saw Hawkeye, you'd be like, like I'd have a little probably extra look,

but I'd never be like, all right. There, bish, bish, bosh. Where'd you get those white shots? Well, stick this up here. Never.

I would if it worked, but it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. What's love got to do? The best Tina Turner song is I'll be a private dancer. I know, it's amazing.

Dancer for money. It's been around 100k, Joanne. That's so impressive. It's like, but isn't that weird? Why would you want to do that? I didn't drink two nights last week and I didn't know what, I went running.

I hoovered the whole fucking house. I washed all the laundry, got rid of loads of shit from the shed. I didn't know what to do with that. See what you can do when you don't drink? I honestly think I of shit from the shed I didn't know what to do see what you can do when you don't drink I honestly think I could be tea shock

if I didn't drink at all though would you ever give up the booze during January yeah I'd say I'll give it up eventually I'll have to

have you anything else to add to your week no but thanks for making me realise my week was in fact shit your husband ran 100k there's nothing to be proud of yeah he ran 100k he went and stopped going on about his Have you anything else to add to your week? No, but thanks for making me realise my week was, in fact, shit. Your husband ran 100k. There's something to be proud of.

Yeah, he ran 100k. He wants to stop going on about it, obviously. So I sometimes get like messages from girls saying, oh, my friend's going to your show tonight. Will you give her a shade out?

Will you wish her happy birthday? Or will you, she's getting engaged or whatever it is, right? Yeah, don't worry. I'll just do that while I'm up on stage. Grant, yeah.

Anything else? I don't, I, I, but I never, I never, sometimes I do say I can't do it. It's like a private joke that it's just too, you know, it's a communal stage. Grant, yeah. Anything else? I don't, I, I, well, I never, sometimes I do say I can't do it. It's like a private joke. It's just too, you know, it's a communal experience. Anyway, whatever.

So I got this message off this girl and she's like, hey, my friend Georgia is going to see you tonight. She's a big fan. We're a big fan. She's going to show you London.

Would you mind calling her a fat slag for me? Which I just thought was so funny because I just wasn't expecting it. So I re-shared that request to my Insta story and

wrote underneath, of course, kiss. Sent it off into the Insta ether. And about, it was less than five minutes I'd say. It was I got a notification from Instagram to say you've been reported. It's been taken down for harassment and bullying.

And I did another Insta story again because that's all I do. And I was like, did someone report that or do they have words set up? Because I think that's faster than if I threatened to blow something up.

Yeah. It wouldn't have been taken down as fast. I was like, that's really odd. So anyway, next thing, this message comes in.

Oh, stop. I love it. Goss, see? Gossip. Can't bear it. I love it so much. I reported it. Gossip. Can't bear it. I love it so much. I reported it. And I did so

because calling a woman a fat slag is hardly empowering and very, very, very offensive. Would you ever call a man a slag? Absolutely not.

Not only are you shaming someone's weight, but you're also commenting on their sexual partners. Disgusting. And then in caps, it's disgusting. Oh my God.

You should be ashamed of yourself I went back are you high do you think I was actually gonna call a woman on my show

a fat slag she came back and she was like yes I do because you said it on your insta stories so anyway then I was like

ratting the fucking camp ratting the camp snakes on a page did she follow you they're the best so I blocked her of course she followed me So anyway, then I was like, ratting the fucking camp. Ratting the camp. Snakes on a page. Did she follow you? They're the best. So I blocked her. Of course she followed me.

She said, well, that's what you've known. So I blocked her. Reposted the story. Yeah. Saying, call my friend a fast flag. Me saying, of course. Report it again. Stop.

There was another snake. There was another snake on the page. No. And then I was like, of course there's snakes on the page. What was I thinking? Everyone hate follows people. It just hadn't occurred to me that I was being hateful. I just hadn't seen it in action.

No one's come in at me yet. Do you know what I mean? But I was like, of course they're going to hate follow me. And then I was looking into the psychology behind it and they were saying that hating brings people together more than liking. People love to hate way more than that they like they do yeah i get crap like that all the time people but you see people i wouldn't i wouldn't call it hate following because it's too strong for me but i have a few people muted you know who they are that i just i'm like oh my god like it's not their fault they're

so annoying online but i have to do that but then hateful people I had a woman mailing me the day being like looks like you've got a dick in your pants like just like what? I know with an X at the end

and then someone today as we were talking about this someone sent me a message being like what is wrong with your son? Why can't he speak properly? Is he stupid? I'm like

dude he's two I know like that's why he can't speak and one time and one time Why can't he speak then? I'm kidding I think he's very advanced He's very advanced for his age I think he's two. I know. That's why he can't speak. And one time, and one time. Why can't he speak then? I'm kidding.

I think he's very advanced. He's very advanced for his age. I think he's very advanced. He's in his department. One time there was someone called Gigi Ugly. Well, that was just wrong. Wrong. Whatever by Theodore.

No, I'm joking. Gigi has always been a solid 10. I won't have that said about her. But people are funny that they would send things like that. And it's like, do you just think that you can just say that

to somebody because it's online and it doesn't matter? It's very bizarre behaviour. I guess they do think that. But this is the thing. Do you think I'm going to call someone a flat sack? Yeah, because you said

on your page. Insta videos, sorry, that's not legally binding. That's not a contract. I've also said that I'm going to drink so much when I'm pregnant when my water breaks

it'll be fizzy. I'm not actually going to do that. And have sex with a horse. And have sex with a horse. Well, Jo, I... She is into horses. I said I'd have sex with a horse because I'm an empath.

You fancy horses. She has them as her screensaver. We're not going there again. But I said I'd shag a horse because I'm more emotionally advanced than all of you. Do you fancy me then? Because people always say I look like a horse if I used to look like any animal.

I know. You do look like a lovely horse on a night out. You do look like a great horse. I do look like a nice... With your wide gait. You do. You look like a fancy horse.

Joanne, you don't exactly have the most feminine walk either, okay? You and your stupid sandals. Back to the fat slag thing, right? I was like, firstly, no one's actually called anyone a fat slag in real life. I don no one's actually called anyone a fat slag

in real I don't think that's even a thing it's not a thing like since the EastEnders Omnibus 2013 slag

Kat Slater yeah Kat Slater it's not a thing but it got me thinking into this like negativity this negative following thing

and how it brings people together and how people will connect more over not liking someone to liking someone. I was like, the amount of people who most absolutely hate us. I'd say we're like a book club. And then I was like, folk, think of the power.

Think of the power. We could bring people together. Like if they played us to the Gallagher brothers, Liam and Nell. We could get them back on. They could bond over their hatred for us. And then I was like, Liam and Nell. We could get them back on. They could bond over their hatred for us. And I was like, what else we could do if they played us over riots

in the north? We could literally cure Northern Ireland folk. That's how annoying we are. I'd say people find us so annoying. Especially me though, more so than you. I'd say I find us so annoying. Especially me though more so than you.

I'd say I'd be a bit more annoying than you. Remember the Kinahans and the Hutches? Do you remember those gangsters in Ireland? Imagine they're shooting each other up

they start playing us and then everyone puts down their guns and it's like when they started playing football at World War I do you remember

on Christmas Eve suddenly it's all like silent night. Yeah that's gonna happen for sure. I was doing an online Aussie gig for some Sydney women the other morning.

Wasn't invited to that either. No. In the morning? You did it in the morning? It was their night time, my morning time. Oh, I had that go. And it was fine. I think with new material nights,

I think it's hard to explain to them, like it's not a show. It's going to be me literally reading shit out of a book. Really? Is that what it is? Yeah. At this stage, yeah. Because I need new material. I need to try new material.

And do they pay to do that? Yeah. Only a small bit. But yeah, they pay. Oh my God. Yeah. Mama's got bills. Mama's got dices to buy.

Mama's got bills. Not anymore! But anyway, so me and Gerard Farley did it and they all... You're always talking about Gerard. I love Gererold.

He's doing my... He's opening for the Palladium shows. Is he? Yeah, he's going to come over. So anyway, we do the show. Then me and Gerold shut our mics and our cameras off. And then we wait till they all log off. And then we come back on and do like a post-mortem about the show.

Which is kind of dangerous because we can hear them. But usually they just log off straight away. Anyway, they were obviously drunk because it was Australia. And it's their night time and I'm sitting there and anyway, one of the girls, I know,

one of the girls, she was like really drunk and she goes, oh my God, I love drunk night. She goes, my sister keeps saying she's so annoying.

She's so annoying. But I was like, no, no, no, you have to listen to her podcast. And then she has a podcast and she likes it now but she did,

she was like, she's so annoying. So I just popped the camera back on. No! And I was like, hi girls. And they were like, she said, so I just popped the camera back on. And I was like, hi girls. And they were like,

oh, but I am annoying. You're really annoying too. We're annoying. Stop dragging me into it. I don't know how anyone listens to this shit, to be honest. Like we're getting away with murder here,

Vogue. Murder. So just so you know, I know I'm annoying. You're grand. I've never listened back to a single podcast. I can't stand the sound of my own voice. Name one person who isn't annoying. One person I know I'm annoying. You're grand. I've never listened back to a single podcast. I can't stand the sound of my own voice.

Name one person who isn't annoying. One person. Joe's not annoying. No, he's not annoying on the pod. Oh, yeah. I'd say you're a nightmare

to live with, though. Yeah, I'd say you're a nightmare to live with. But we're annoying because we're annoying. Joe, how annoying are we to you? You must, like,

at the very start when we did this, we were like, Joe is gonna hate us. We've worked a few things out, I think. We've ironed out a couple of creases. Joanne's a little bit more annoying than I am, though. Admit it.

Just be honest. Who's more annoying? You have to shoot one of us. Kill her. I think he's going to shoot you, Vogue. Both of you have good and bad weeks. No, Joanne, you're gone. I love playing that game with my mom.

The thing with the bitching now is that there's this, which I don't think enough people know about. So if I was to send, so say, Jo, I sent you Vogue's Insta story, as in mocking her in some way. There's an option to reply. And what enough people don't realize is when you reply, you're replying to Vogue. Yeah.

So what happens is people accidentally get shit about them sent into their inbox, which in our day would never have happened. You couldn't accidentally sent into their inbox which in our day would never have happened you couldn't accidentally bitch to someone's face in our day oh god you don't get caught doing that you would have to have literally turned up to their house gone up to their bedroom slagged them off their face and they went oh sorry that was for a different vogue there was no way of accidentally getting stung whereas now it's so easy to get stung. So easy. Am I an immigrant? Am I an immigrant?

Am I an immigrant in the UK? Yeah we are. Am I? Yeah. Shut up Jo you're an immigrant. I don't feel like an immigrant. You are. Jo you're an immigrant.

So I did a shout out. I said have you ever gotten accidentally stung for like bitching or whatever? And of course, of course it escalated, of course it turned into people stalking their ex because that,

you know, ultimately that's what people get stung in. And the amount of people who got stung by putting the name of their ex into their status update

by accident. No! And posting it. Oh my God, that's violent. Oh no, that's so embarrassing. Yeah. Here's one. This is the kind of woman I'm into.

I have a whole separate fake account for hate following people. That way they don't even know I'm doing it. The sneakiest of sneaks. I tend to change the bio depending on who I want to accept me.

Stop. I won't give the details but on who I want to accept me. Stop. I won't give the details, but she basically said she was trying to stalk someone, get in to hate follow someone in, say, like, Gloucestershire. So she updated her bio. Gloucestershire. She updated her bio that she like, lived in Gloucestershire. I even get a little rush from being accepted by private

accounts. Tragic, but so much genius, you must admit. My friend got an iPhone iPhone she thought it was unreal she had Facebook on her phone we were in the car driving to Dub from Wex I tried to look up one of the girls

new fellas and I put up his name as a status update couldn't get it down I was just screaming stop the car stop the car my friend in the back

was shouting what's a status update so we had to pull over on the M50 and ring my other friend and get her to log in on her laptop with my password

and take it down I was obviously drunk Facebooking one night a few years back and I must have looked at a girl from school's Facebook at random we never really knew

each other or were friendly I don't know why I was on it but about three weeks later because I don't really use Facebook anymore I logged in

and saw I'd shared a picture of her and her family on my timeline this is my favourite one not a hate follow and so I shared a picture of her and her family on my timeline. This is my favorite one. Not a hate follow, but my friend got home from a date drunk and went to Facebook to stalk him. Some guy accidentally set up an event in his name

and invited all his friends. Oh, God, no. That is all for this week. Remember, if you'd like to send us an email, you're more than welcome to. Just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com. Did you ask people to vote for the BBC Science thing? No.

Okay, so basically, I did a shout out on my Instagram. Here, we're up for the BBC Science thing. Will people vote? Listener's Choice Award. Sorry, BBC Listener's Choice Award. And they're so sound, they all went off and voted we're up for the BBC sounds thing will people vote sorry BBC listeners choice award and they're so sound

they all went off and voted and got little old us in the top 10 podcasts the UK basically of the British podcast so anyway

thanks so much for voting because no one expected that to happen Vogue's not impressed she's like whatever we got nominated

yeah that's pretty good it's good to be nominated it's nice to be nominated but it's always better. She's like, whatever, we got nominated. Yeah, that's pretty good. It's good to be nominated. It's nice to be nominated but it's always better to win. That's a real mom thing to say. Well, I'm just saying.