Nerd Poker - Episode 1 - The Moon

Episode Date: February 14, 2018

Welcome to an all new campaign! Some things are the same. Tom, Twee, and Bodhi are trying to stop the moon from crashing into the planet or something. They don't know a whole lot about what sort of moon-based calamity they're trying to stop yet. But they do have a clever half-elf eldritch knight fighting alongside them, and a whole world full of awkward continent and city names (spelled Bonnkyl and Tinnat). Some things will seem as familiar as a warm glove, and other things will feel as odd as a warm cola you found on a park bench. But there's zero doubt that it's NERD POKER.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pouss. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah. Ken. Sam.

Lee. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker Season 2. What's up, guys? It's Rose from Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. And today is episode what? Episode 1, Season 2. Episode 1, Season 2. Okay, guys, goodbye.

I'm going gonna play some Minecraft Thanks, buddy Oh, what happened? I fell So dramatic Episode 1 of Season 2, everybody Yay We have a new friend

I'm still writing Episode 42, Season one on my checks. We have Ken, Dan, Blaine, and a new friend. A new old friend. So old. No. Only our friendship is old. Only our friendship is old.

Sarah's here. Sarah's here. Sarah's back. I'm here. We did it. Hooray. Our constant calling. It's real. You have two wishes left.

Creepy cryptic messages. It all worked. Everything we did. It's all thanks to Skeletor's dick. Wait, what? Oh, you don't know the running gag. It's all in your lunchbox. Check your lunchbox.

Okay, I'll see. You might rethink this whole thing. Hey, Rhodes. Other side of the house, my friend. We thank our Patreons, and they can change their usernames, and one of them is Skeletor's Dick. Oh, sure. Well, and why not?

Well, at one time he gave us two more dollars. Well, yeah, he upped his monthly pledge from like $5 to like $9. In order to be able to do that? The more we did it, his wife kept telling him you should give them more money because they keep mentioning their username. But now he's created a monster, and we have because we kept saying it a lot. And now we're getting Lion-O's taint, and other people are jumping into the fray. Should I thank a few people now and see what's happened? Is Lion-O's taint one of them?

I feel like that was one of them last time. Lion-O's taint is for sure one of them. Is Snarf's Gunt in there someplace? Snarf's Gunt. I think there has been a Gunt before, but yeah. It's insane. Snarf's Gunt. God, yeah, I'm going to pull these up. Not like Snarf's Gunt.

Snarf's Gunt. Was that a Mr. Show thing you just said? I did. I think that's the village where the original Pea Soup Andersons is from. And the prisoner. There's not a whole lot of new goofy ones.

Just old goofy ones? Yeah. People are goofy with an NU. Oh, there's a thank you Ravage Yoli the Serpent Priest. Weird. That's Chef Boyardee's tender name.

I'm going to give him an extra dollar. Thank you Vin Diesel's Pursed Lips. Thanks, Vin Diesel's Pursed Lips. What are you trying to say? Oh, God. Thank goodness. We're going to get to hear that Oh, God. Thank goodness. We're going to get to hear that voice some more in a second. Thank you, Orko's Gooch.

Orko's Gooch. There we go. Orko's Gooch. Orko. You guys, we're doing a new campaign. Shall we get started? Sure. Okay, so I want to try to tie this all together,

and I'm giving myself the challenge of flipping the five-minute hourglass over and trying to finish way ahead before this stops. Five hours? Did I say five hours? No. Okay. I was just talking about how my brain medication makes me dumb, so you can easily fuck with me.

That's bad brain medication. So after you guys realized you reawoke in the lodge where you were about to travel, they had gone back in time, Sarah. They had experienced an apocalypse and then kind of hit a dead end, but

killed the big bad and went back in time to before they left for the apocalypse with the knowledge that at some point a cult of elves was going to crash the moon for the apocalypse with the knowledge that at some point a cult of elves was going to crash the moon into the planet. But they were allowed to go back in time to stop it. However, you guys

spent the last three nights drinking to celebrate the fact that you killed the big bad and that you were no longer undead. He was a vampire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were drinking with Gago and Luovan, who, of course, were allowed to leave the cursed land of Amina with you. It was the first time my wife's joke was the King of Trips.

You won D&D. She always says, did you win D&D? I told her the next day, hey, baby, that's fun. On the second night you were drinking, Luovan went outside with you, and she said that she could tell from the constellations that it was about a month before the world was going to end. So she figured you guys have about a month. And she said she was actually going to go look for more lunar elves

and kind of go underground. And you guys keep drinking. She's going to go underground and see what she can find out. She'll get back into contact with you if she can, but she thought she'd part ways now at night when she's less suspicious because she looks really gross. The lunar elves, Sarah, they're kind of a cross between drow and moon elves,

except they have shark teeth and kind of like big saucer eyes. So she looked really creepy. Saucer eyes. After she leaves and mentions she's leaving at night for that reason you guys kind of realize you've been drawing a lot of attention to yourselves uh because you're three day drinking well you know you're all wearing sort of drow artifact armor and weapons and um bodhi's got this sword granted to him by his god. Bodhi's got a sword. While you're partying, everyone kind of looks out for you,

and you get a message at one point. A messenger shows up at the tavern. Mr. Herbert. Mr. Herbert. He says, you know, I hear that there's some adventurers at this tavern, and the local royalty has heard of this and would like your assistance. I can promise you all the gold you can imagine

if you'll just come with me. This is a terrible deal. He consults his scroll, and he mumbles to himself, I knew they wouldn't go for gold. The good heroes never go for gold. This is such a stupid thing. And says okay okay okay um let me let me break this down for you we've got some sort of uh weird magic stuff going on um we've had a local magic school kind of fall apart uh it's it's been sort of the the town's economy and it's a source of pride and

a way for us to appear to be a good town. And our town's reputation has been suffering the last few weeks since this magic school collapsed. And we're worried it's a part of a larger sort of chain of events that's been happening around here where magic schools have sort of been falling. And so we're hoping from what we've heard of the tales you've been telling in this tavern, that that will be of interest to you. Why do you suppose that's happening? Anyone?

I don't know. We should go on some sort of adventure and find out yeah let's look into it he says um you know my lord is the thane of tinat uh or tenant you can pronounce it tenant people who aren't from tinat pronounce a tenant i don't really care what you call it. I call it milk. But he believes he has recently gained access to some things that will shed light on the situation. Things. And he would like to share them with adventurers such as yourselves. Sure. So if you just hop in this carriage, we'll be on our way. So you guys hop in?

Yeah. You notice Gago is nowhere to be found. He's off getting drunk somewhere. Oh, Gago. Gago is an evil be found. He's off getting drunk somewhere. Oh, Gago. Gago is an evil fairy that was accompanying them on their adventures. He's not that evil. Once you get to know him. If you got him drunk, he would do whatever you wanted.

I got an annoying stargoyle. He was, like a foul-mouthed stargoyle. Shit. And so you guys hop in this carriage, and the driver tells you, oh, we got to make a pit stop. Yeah, one more adventurer. I like the sound of that. One more adventurer on the outskirts of Tinette we've got to pick up.

And that's you. You've been laying low on the outskirts of town, and you were given a message that said, we've located you. This is important. Can you help us? And at first, you try to ignore it because you're like, maybe I just need to switch towns. But then this carriage shows up within just a few hours. And a messenger hops out.

And you see these guys all kind of crowded in the carriage, and this messenger gives you sort of the same spiel. He doesn't seem to recognize you or know who you are exactly, but he mentions, you know, because of all these collapses of magic schools, we believe that you are in a unique position to help us. Right. And also there's gold. Yeah, I hop on board. Okay. Who? magic schools, we believe that you are in a unique position to help us. All right. And also there's gold. Yeah, I hop on board.

Okay. Who? I eyeball all these guys. Who and or what are you? Oh, can I quickly look out the side of the carriage and then see the word super shuttle written on the side and then do funny take to camera? As the air conditioning breaks down and you hit a large pothole yeah yeah i'm gonna stare at my phone until we get to the

airport uh yeah i believe uh you might want to introduce yourself somehow as the driver isn't really helping you out here. Hello? Hello. I would say it's a pleasure to meet you, but no one's even making eye contact or greeting me in any way. It's almost like they realize how long they've been for the last year and a half when you haven't been around. He just caught us on a three-day celebratory bender.

They're all hungover, and you can tell. Oh, sure. I pull out a flash. Am I the hair of the dog, anybody? No? Sure, I'll take a hit off of that. That's Tom. I don't know what voice that is. Tom Bodie.

Tom Bodie and Twee. I'm Esmeralda. You can call me Es. How about Esme no you know I don't really like the sound of that it's got a YA kind of feel Merle I'm going to offer you some of my strawberry quick

yeah I pour a little of the flask in there and then just take a sip cheers you notice Yeah, I pour a little of the flask in there and then just take a sip. Cheers. You notice Tui is wearing a very resplendent royal-looking cloak and has a very fancy lute strapped to his back. He is a high elf, which is a little striking to you. I'll say. As you are a half elf. I'm a half elf.

And his type normally kind of doesn't want to associate with your type. And these two are extremely ugly. One of them is a tiefling. So I don't know how many tieflings you hang out with. I didn't write ugly on my character sheet. This is Vin Diesel, tiefling.

So he's got horns and a devil tail. So it looks like a demon. Top paid actor in America. He's handsome like a demon top paid actor in America I'm very well read so I would yeah you first described Bodhi to me as if Roman Reigns was hit in the face with a shovel

yeah that's true so that's all I'm really referencing he's a half orc. Half orc. Dark sort of gray charcoal skin. Half orc, half morc. And he has ridiculous giant armored gloves on, a big sword stuck in its scabbard, and a couple of javelins strapped to his back.

And a crossbow. And a crossbow. And a crossbow. So I'm loaded up. Yeah. All right. Well, and we're off. Yeah. What do you know about these schools?

What do I know about the schools? These magic schools. Yeah, what have you been told? Same. Well, in truth, actually, I was a student at one of these schools. Oh, my. Yeah. Please don't spread that around anywhere. It's sort of...

Hey, do you hear? I said don't spread that around anywhere. It's sort of... Hey, do you hear? I said don't? I look at this thing to see if he actually... Do you speak common? I have terrible joke Tourette's. Oh, okay. But... So do I.

Knock, knock, knock, knock. You notice as you approach the town, it starts raining pretty hard. Fuck, who's there? And as you pull up to the gate, and the driver starts trying to negotiate his way to the gate, he's not having much problem, but it's taking a while. And you see multiple owls in a tree.

I like owls. They're pretty. Yeah, and they're a strange sort of dark color. Are we in Pottermore? No. But they've got almost like a raven-like sort of black and purple sheen to them. And it's weird to see multiple owls in the same place as they're usually pretty lone killer type birds of prey. So the gate opens.

And you head in. and you head in and the driver takes out a parasol and escorts you to the gate and it's a very fancy castle it's a very fancy castle there's a whole retinue of soldiers

that meets you at the gate and walks you in and you're taken to a chamber which I'm now going to start referencing on my own piece of paper. You may remember I'm a big fan of maps, so I'm not showing these to you quite yet. But you are in the entry hall, where there is a row of velvet cushioned seats that you get to sit in. There are large paintings on the wall.

And there are just soldiers everywhere. There's like 20 soldiers in there. You know a messenger is going to get sort of a steward of the thing, and you're kind of just sitting around. So can I ask why, I know why I was summoned here. Why were you selected

for this? Someone was just looking for help and we figured we'd help. Our reputation had gotten around that we had just survived something we shouldn't have and so people from the school came to us

asking for help and promised us adventure and riches. Oh, riches. That's what we were told. That's all the gold you can dream of. If I, your dungeon master, remembers the NPC dialogue

correctly. From ten minutes ago? It's not even. The timer hasn't even gone out yet. So, yeah, your time stopped. The steward enters The entry hall and says You're now permitted

To see the thane of Tenet Lord Kriz Prepare your sit And as he says your sit Someone who's clearly Royalty just runs in the room and says Hello hello thank you so much for coming. Please follow me and ignore this annoying steward. Come with me.

Come with me. Please, please. And he waves you into the next room. Ooh, I like him. As you go in, you head to this great hall with a... I stay back and listen to the other guy. I'm kidding. The steward actually sees you linger

in the back just for irony's sake and he goes, oh, do you want to do a formality thing with me? I can give you some tips on how to behave while you're in the great hall. Okay. Thank you. Are you sure? Pretty sure. I've got some ceremonial gloves

you could wear when you drink your whiskey later. Well, let's talk later. I'm going to follow up this guy. All right. I wish I would have never said anything. I want to be your best friend. And then you go in the great hall.

I love you. You see there's a huge meal prepared. There's some roasted pigs and giant casks of whiskey. And no one's sitting down yet. There's eight seats at the table. And the thane says, yes, yes, this is for myself. And I'll probably invite the steward in later. But thank you so much for coming.

Please, guards, leave us. I'm going to go over to one of the casks and refill my flask. He says, yes, by all means, by all means. go over to one of the casks and refill my flask. He says, yes, by all means. By all means. Help yourself to some of the meal. This is all for us. Let it be casual. I'm sure you've had a long journey.

It's raining outside. And when he says raining outside, you kind of notice it looks like there's no roof on the Great Hall. But somehow the rain is stopping. There's these great beams that sort of arc across the roof of the Great Hall. And some sort of magic appears to be keeping the rain. That's cool. Is this guy have a long beard? Nope.

No. Why, Dumbledore-y? Yeah. I get that a lot. I get that a lot. I get that a lot. I mean, especially once they changed actors, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

A lot of people think I'm Belzer. That's because you are terrifyingly thin. It's true. I have to run around in the sun to get tanned. But he thanks all of you for coming, and he says, yes, yes, the College of Roke is no more, but we need the College of Roke. The College of Roke was a huge source of pride

for the town of Tinant, and it has been boarded up. It has been sealed off. We believe there are horrible beings in there. There's terrible noises coming from the other side of the walls. But I think I can help solve that. And I can offer all of you something great in return. You, Tui, I've done some research about you. Oh, you Googled me?

That's weird. There's not much I was able to find. You seem like something of a wanderer. But... I roam around and around and around and around. I didn't know that was coming. That's because you probably

know I wander. But one thing I could offer you, if you like, is for everyone to know more about you. We have scholars here and I understand you know some very unique spells. Those scholars might be able to trade information with you and write you into some of their own books, especially if we can get the college up and running again.

Oh, sure. That would be great. Kind of like when Fonzie became the dean of that trade school. And he says, 75 years ago. Bodhi, I understand you're actually an outcast. You were actually not allowed back

in your home city of Gluck. That might be true. They're a lawful evil city, but I don't know that you would want to be a, do you want to ever be a citizen of Gluck? No.

Would you ever want revenge on Gluck? No. Oh, that's a shame. That you ever want revenge on Gluck? No. Oh, that's a shame. That's a shame. I wanted to tell you, I have some inroads with the city council of Gluck. We've been doing some trade there recently, and if you wanted safe passage back into the city, or if you wanted to change their laws against allowing half

orcs into the city, there might be something we could do. Oh, you are interested now. I mean, I guess it's just cool to not be interested when you're hearing about stuff. That's fine. I get that. And then he turns to you,

and he says, Tom Doretto, Tom Doretto. I understand you lost someone very special to you in the Underdark. Oh, yeah, my baby. Those flail snail races, they're very dangerous. I'm sorry that you lost your beloved. I believe I have some information about the League of Assassins that did what they did to your Nettie.

I heard she was alive last time I checked. I don't know what you just said, but I believe she is still alive. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't know what you just said, but I hope it was something about what you were just saying.

I would be happy to give you that information. And Esmeralda, I would be happy to give you that information. And Esmeralda, I don't want to speak out of school, so to speak, but I know from where you come. And I must tell you, I'm actually a graduate of the Blade Program. And I would be proud to make the Eldritch Knights a bigger part of the School of Roke once again, if you were interested in such a thing. Hmm. Interesting.

So please, please have a seat. Enjoy the meal. I have some very interesting information that I'd rather show you than tell you about. that I'd rather show you than tell you about, but I can tell you this. There is some sort of strange roving party that's been happening at these colleges. Oh, it's a fish fest. I'm not sure what it is, but we have someone we believe to be some sort of assassin

in one of our towers here in the castle. We managed to stop them at the city gate and um he notices there's still two guards in the room and he uh he he says please if you wouldn't mind stepping outside they get into like kind of like a little argument because they're saying it's not safe to leave you guys alone with the thing with what like the guards don't want to leave you guys alone with the thing we overheard this assassin speaking to someone we could not see. And we think that they have some sort of cataclysmic plot.

They want to do more than ruin schools. I think they want to do great harm to this entire continent. Perhaps this entire continent. Perhaps this entire world? It's really hard to think beyond this continent. It's Bonkel. I don't know. The continent is Bonkel? Bonkel.

Bonkel. Bonkel. Bonkel. Bonkel. Car Bonkel? Mr. Bonkel? Are the guards still here? Yes.

Can I use insight to see, do I think that they really don't want to leave because they're worried we might hurt the thing? Sure. Or are they just trying to eavesdrop? So you get the sense that they're genuinely concerned. Okay. They seem to, you know they're they're

they don't have like a face guard they've just got a simple helmet um and you can see enough of their facial expressions that they don't appear to be anything but normally assertive they don't seem nervous or deceitful uh and yes the continent of Bunkle. It might not come up that much more, or if you want it to, it can become a true source of shame for your dungeon master. Who knows?

Who knows what could lie ahead for the next 40 or more episodes on the continent of Bunkle. So I hope nobody thinks you said bunghole. Why would they? Why would they? Why would they? Who would ever tie those two ideas together like a thread through a horrible anus? Oh, like Charles, oh, Max and Crumb would do with the, forget it.

What have I done? Okay. So, the Thane sits down. The Thane of Tinnat, Kriz, sits down and says, do you have any questions for me? Is it Tinnat or Tinnat? It's pronounced Tinnat. You can say, would you rather say Tinnit?

Tinnat? Tinnat. I'm good with Tinnat. I'm sorry. There's a lot of just strange consonants around here. I hope you can get used to it. I don't know what land you're from. The land of no strange consonants.

I have a question. Yes. I'd love to know what magics you're using on the roof here. Oh, well, thank you. It's actually, I don't know if you've ever heard of a little spell called lehman's tiny hut i started taking notes specialty of mine back in the day basically i'm not trying to cover the entire roof and these beams have magical properties i just it's actually connected to me i i cast it every morning and i keep it going it's sort of a minor tiny hut and it just

keeps the rain out. The rain happens often enough where I just like to keep some natural lighting in here, and the rain sounds are soothing to me. Nice hut work. Appreciate it. Hey, watch this. And I'm going to conjure up

Leomund's tiny pizza hut and Taco Bell. It's really small. It's like five feet tall. You can't actually get in it. It just sort of glows for a second. I go, huh? He goes, huh?

He waves his hand and adds a little tiny KFC to it. Oh, wow. That's great. The whole Pepsi Corporation. The thing that I really admire is he actually put enough parking for the employees and the customers.

It's a real design overlooked at a lot of people. Deal breaker. Chris says, well, I've prepared rooms for all of you. I have a tiny restaurant. I believe I have armor and weapons

in my stores that you might find useful. I like both of those things. And I can provide you safe passage into the college, which takes up a large part of the southwest corner of our town on this side of the wall. And as soon as you're done eating, I'll be happy to take you to your... You okay? What happened?

Oh, he laughs. And he kind of puts a hand over his mouth. And he goes, What's wrong with you? He puts both his hands on his mouth. And the guards aren't really noticing what's happening. But he just goes, And you see a horizontal bar open across his neck and blood start pouring out.

And his tongue gets pulled out through his throat. It's a buncle necktie. He falls to his knees and the guards turn and notice. Somebody just gave him an invisible... Colombian, Cuban, Bunkle. Bunkle necktie. Bunkle necktie. What do you guys do? Is he just

standing dead? Right now, at this particular frozen moment in time, there is a guard 10 yards on either side of his seat. They're turning towards him. He is on his knees in front of

his seat, bleeding out, his eyes still open and conscious. Guard, secure the room. You say that? Yeah. Someone in this room is a murderer. You say that in a threatening way? No, please secure the room can we I'd rush to him

to try to put and I use my pressure on the wound I don't know if there's anything you can do at this point cool I'm gonna give everybody one turn to do something Tom do a persuasion check of 10. 17. Great, and you get a 5 bonus to that. So the guards, one of them runs to the door you came from, and the other one puts a hand on his shoulder because it can see that Esmeralda

is trying to do something. What were you going to do? I was going to try to at least staunch the bleeding or whatever before someone can... You don't get a medicine bonus but you can roll and a wisdom check which you also don't have a bonus for okay I'm trying to see if you've got anything else here I don't know I'm not a very medical no but I'll let you. It's going to just be hard. Difficulty, 18. Roll a 20.

No, I didn't. You place a hand over what seems like a very clean cut, and blood just keeps pouring out through your fingers. Twee, Bo, do you get one chance to do something before something else happens? I'm going to throw a throw a cure wounds on him. Okay. Can I do that to at least stop the bleeding? Give it a try.

Does somebody have like some powdered sugar or an aerosol can or silly string that we could maybe find out where this invisible asshole is? Is there some way? I know, but I'm finger-picking on my scarab. Oh, yeah, yeah.

If you can see some sort of red light. He's got this scarab. If he looks through the scarab, it shows you if they're evil or not. Oh, cool. Yeah, is there anything on the table? Roll a 1d8 plus 2, Blaine. That's a 4. All right, so he gets six of his hit points back Brian

what you gonna do nobody has true sight huh no shit actually I want to do a quick pause. No, Esmeralda does not have true sight. That's how I see you. Yeah, because I was wanting to do something like what Blaine thought of figuring out some way of finding an invisible dude. Throwing paint in the air. What's on the table? Yeah, I mean, nobody's really assessed their surroundings, so you can just do a straight-up investigate, or you don't have a bonus for it.

Here, let me see. I'll throw you some real big bones. You can you've got a perception bonus of plus three, Brian. So, just doing a perception check could give you a good sense of the room. Or if you want to raise the difficulty on your perception check, you can look for something much more specific. No, I'll just do a perception check.

Okay. 19. All right. 19 alright so you look around the room and you notice it's very airy it's a big room really high ceilings

and you notice there are in the great hall there is the door you came from to the right and then far down there is the door you came from to the right and then far down there is another door to the left and another door sort of behind the throne.

Okay. And you see a candle flicker next to the door on the left far down. So does that mean something just ran by there probably? Perhaps. Yeah, I'm going to head over there.

Where's the guard that was... He ran to the door to your right. Okay. So there's no guards following you right now. Okay, I'm going to the one on the left. All right. Tom Doretto, what are you going to do? I'm going to take a mascara up and look through it.

Okay. Do... Do like a scan of the room. Sounds good. We're gonna say this is a wisdom roll. Just roll your dice, you get a three modifier. All righty. Yeah. All right, so you got an 18

you scan the room you notice a pale blue aura from both Kriz and his two guards and where Bodhi is running to the back you see a swirl of red yeah he's right in front of you

okay you are up esmeralda i wish that i knew what i could do um do i so can i so can i see what they're seeing or is this just like i have no idea what's going on you're're currently facing the Thane of Tinnat, and another pulse of blood pours over your fingers. Right, and I can do nothing with him. He's starting to hunch over and go limp. Yeah, I'm not going to be able to help with that. So is there... I mean, you tell me what you want to do or what you want to look for.

Can I see where they're pointing? Yeah, I mean, there's enough commotion of Bodhi running. When Bodhi runs away, it makes a real loud noise. So you can hear a thud, thud, thud behind you as he heads back towards that corner of the hall. Okay, so I guess I'm following them over there. I was going to try to cast a snare spell, but I can't find it right now,

so I can't find the details of that. Oh, I can find that for you. I'm not sure if that will actually do anything. Everyone needs to bear with me while I figure out how to be this person. Perfectly. Perfectly fine. No, I mean, that's the thing. We're all going to learn this together. It's not like you're that far behind us when it comes to

learning this stuff. I'm going to get you all this stuff. Oh, yeah. We need to get you, like, a proper dice tower. We're going to get you all this stuff. Oh, yeah. We need to get you a proper dice tower. We're going to hook you up. A snare can be made from a vine, thong, or rope when you cast snare upon it. A thong?

I know. Thong snare. Don't think that's what... That's Borat's weapon. Not exactly. I'm sorry. That's third and a half edition. What the heck? Yeah. No, this is, as you cast a spell,

you use a rope to create a circle with a five-foot radius of the ground or floor. Then when I'm done, the rope disappears and the circle becomes a magic trap. Yes. So can I try to do it in front of where it looks like this thing would be going, heading? Yeah, it's up to... Let's see how...

I'm trying to figure out how far away you can do it. Range, air, touch. I have to be there to do it. Yeah, I don't think it's going to work. Damn it. I mean, you can start running there, though. All right, I start running there. Okay.

Tui, you're up I just healed that guy right For some Hit points But he's still got an open wound in his throat He's dying already And may I add his tongue is hanging out of it Oh my god Is there any

Well I'm not there but Somebody somebody can bind it, right? Can I bind it? You can try. Do a... First of all, you have an amazing wisdom medicine modifier. So if anyone's going to do this, it's going to be you. You once... Stand back, everybody.

I just found out I'm a doctor. For the record, you may want to put this on. I just found out I'm a doctor. Uh, for the record, you may want to put this on your sheet if you don't know it. I think I may have told you a long time ago when you performed that surgery on that ent. But, uh, you get a plus 10 medicine bonus. Ooh. So, uh, yeah.

Give it a shot. Uh, I will tell you, this is a difficulty of 22, though. 22, so I gotta roll 12? Yes, sir. How about so I got to roll 12? Yes, sir. How about an 11? Does that count? Damn it.

Oh, no way. So I got his tongue juice all over my hand for nothing? The bleeding stops, and his tongue sort of turns black and falls away. And the wound heals up. But you can tell he's lost a lot of blood. And it didn't really feel good to have his tongue fall off either. Like, you did a real, real close job there.

So he's just sort of, like, right about to die. He's on the verge of death. Bodhi. What do I see in front of me you're about uh 10 feet away from this big door and um it you know it looks like maybe it goes to some sort of private chamber or tower you're not sure but But after you saw the candle flicker, you saw the door just ever so slightly creak open. Right. So whatever it was is not visible to the naked eye. Oh, there it is.

But it's only about 10 feet in front of you at this point. Okay. Well, I'm still going. You're going to burst through that door? Yeah. As you burst through the door, you see some stairs leading up. I'm following. You head up the stairs, and this time,

as you get to the top of the stairs, the door at the top of the stairs bangs wide open really fast from an unseated force. Not so subtle this time. Can I close the distance on this guy? You can try. You're now in a kitchen.

You see three serving tables. There's cooks at them. They all kind of looked up when the door banged open. There's a row of wine bottles ahead to the right. There's two more doors on your right and a big fireplace on the far side of the room. I'm going to grab a wine bottle. You've got to walk past the doors to do it. Sure. I'm gonna grab a wine bottle and I'm gonna throw it

in the direction that I think this guy is. Let me show you the map real quick. That's where you came in. Door, door, wine bottle. Do I see a front step? Can I do a perception check though?

Yeah. Roll a 20. 10 plus 3 is 13. So you suddenly stop, and you realize there's only two other ways out of this room besides the one you came in, and you're filling the doorway with your big frame. So, like, as long as those other two doors don't open, they can't get out. Right, okay. That's what you realize. Okay.

What do I say? There's three chefs all looking up at you like, what is even happening right now? I know you're in here. You're not going to get out. You're not going to get by me. Tom. As you lower

the scarab of farcing, you see Bodhi run through the door. You look back at Esmeralda, and Esmeralda's making a book for the door herself. And Twee is trying to heal this guy, and it's just not going great. And you finally just see the light disappear from his eyes. the light disappear from his eyes. And just as that happens, the ceiling of the hall suddenly becomes loud as rain starts pouring through onto you and Tui and Esmeralda

and the two guards. The guard that was at the entrance has since called out for help, and three more guards enter the room. The guard, kneeling over the thane, looks at you and says, Did you do this? No, there's some sort of invisible being. Invisible being?

It looks like magic. He draws his sword. I have to place you under arrest. Well, you're not going to take me alive. Oh, man. Escalation. What did you think was going to happen? Roll a 20.

Oh, you don't need to tell me like I wasn't going to see this coming. 10. All right. Your first. All right. me like I wasn't gonna see this coming all right your first still can't believe this guy's throat got slick as the poison spray Adam brutal all right you All right. You failed a saving throw. Good. All right. What's Ken finding his dice brought to you by? Oh, Ken finding his dice is brought to you by Six Loco. It's a four loco with two fingers down your throat.

Better where I thought those fingers were going to be. That's the first one. I'm trying to mix it up and do a different joke this season. You extend a hand and this guard's face just disappears in a purple hissing cloud and he

falls to his own knees. I may have overdone it. Whoa! Unfortunately, there were four other guards in the room pissing cloud and he falls to his own knees. I may have overdone it. And you go like this, whoa! Unfortunately, there were four other guards in the room watching this transpire and they all start charging towards you. Esmeralda, you're up. Okay. Jesus Christ. So how close am I to the door where the creature is?

You're right in front of it. I mean, Bodhi just ran past you. All right. I'm just going to continue up the door then. This dude can... This knucklehead. Yeah. You make it up the stairwell and you get to the kitchen and you see Bodhi is filling the

doorway and just as you get to the top of the stairs, you hear him go, I know you're in here. Okay. Can I have another... Can I do something when I'm at the top of the stairs you hear him go I know you're in here. Okay can I have another can I do something when I'm at the top of the stairs? Yes. Is the rain coming in there too? No just in the great hall. I'm gonna attempt to Not that you would fucking know it because you're in the middle of combat dumb shit.

Do you think I heard that guy You hear her walk up behind you That guy was probably talking to us for like more than a minute, right? We heard him talking. Yeah. The Thane? Yeah.

Oh, your conversation lasted a solid 10 minutes. Okay, so I'm going to try to mimic him using my feat of acting, and I'm going to try to call through the door, like, nice try, give it another go, or something, to the assassin. Okay. Let me look this up. What is this? I was just going to ask you what you had that could help.

This is my feat called actor skilled at mimicry and dramatics. You gain the following benefits, blah, blah, blah. You can mimic the speech of another person or the sounds made by other creatures. You must have heard the person speaking for at least one minute,

a successful wisdom check contested by your charisma check allows a listener to determine that the effect is faked. So it's probably not going to work, but... All right, so it's got to be your deception. So your deception is... Oh, boy, oh, boy, a 17. So you've got to do your... What is your modifier for that? I'm looking this up still. My modifier for

charisma or my modifier for... Sorry. Insight. What's your modifier for insight? It is... Plus 2. Plus 2? Okay. You've got to beat a 17, roll a 20 with a plus 2. No. Oh! So this very Esmeralda voice says,

Ha ha! Tweet your up. If this guy is going to die, I'm going to sort of have to leave him alone. Where has everybody gone? Am I turning around and seeing myself left alone in the mall? Ken just melted a guard's face off and there's four guards running

towards him. Esmeralda and Bodhi both ran up some stairs after an invisible figure. There's three guards heading towards him? Four. Four guards? One who saw it happen and three who didn't. Okay, I'm gonna web those

guys. Interesting. All right so they're all gonna try to make a dexterity saving throw. Yeah well Well, good luck with that. That's a nope. A yes. A nope. And a nope. So three of them get webbed, and one of them sees what you did, and he kind of can't decide which one of you to attack, but he's definitely about to attack one of you as he finishes closing the distance.

Okay. Bodhi, you're up. Okay. Bodhi, you're up. Okay. So how big is that room? It's like 50 yards long. There's three preparation tables to your left, two doors, and then a row of wine bottles to your right. Well, I wanted to try to get something

like spray something to see if I can suss them out that way. What about that pan of pasta sauce? No, I was going to grab wine. Before you do your main action, you get a bonus. Do you want to do

a perception check? Yeah, I'll do another one of those. All right, a bag of flour. 13. You notice one table down, they're making bread. And there sure is a big old bag of flour. Okay, cool. And then do I have a general idea of where this guy might be

you think that he would have had to either go farther down the room or to the left there's sort of two main choices I'm going to go a little farther and throw a flower okay

what a make up do a hmm Okay. What a... Makeup! Do a... Hmm. I'm going to say athletics. Difficulty 18. Ooh, that's a plus 8,

but that's not going to be enough. Right. So you... We're coming up short on all these rolls tonight. That's not tonight's theme. You throw this giant bag of flour that's sitting next to the table, the prep table, against the ceiling, and it coats the right side of the room

with just a cloud of flour that dissipates pretty quickly, and there's nothing on the right side of the room with just a cloud of flour that dissipates pretty quickly and there's nothing on the right side of the room. Can I try again? Nope. I don't get a bonus action on it? You already did a perception check for it. Tom, you're up.

I just got this guard now. You got one unwebbed guard trying to decide which one of you to attack. I say, hey, you want to stay here? And then I run upstairs. He follows you. Right. Esmeralda, you're up. I guess I'm going to try to flower the second half of the room.

All right. That's going to be an athletics the second half of the room. All right. That's going to be an athletics check. Difficulty 18. God damn it. What'd you roll? I don't want to talk about it. Was it lower than a 14? Yes, significantly.

Okay. So you pick it up and it's just too heavy. You're just like, meh. You kind of kick up a small cloud. Esmeralda's like, I'm out. I'm going home. This adventure was a great idea. But you still have a bonus action if you wanted to do anything else.

Cool. Sure, I'm just going to swing wildly with my battle axe in the empty space on that side of the room. Fun. swing wildly with my battle axe in the empty space on that side of the room. Fine. We'll call that first. This is going to actually take two rolls. So do an investigation check difficulty of, that's another 18.

That's really tough. Okay, I'm picking a different die. 12 plus one, so still no. Okay, so you picking a different die. Let's see if that helps. 12 plus 1, so still no. Okay, so you just wave it around. Threateningly. Threateningly, and good news. You two have done enough detective work. You realize this person can either climb walls

or is cornered in the near corner to the left. Okay. So I will show you the map. I wish I could see the map. You should get one of those erasable battle grid things. What? Yeah, well I have a battle grid at my office and I should bring it. Battle grid.

So, it's over here where there is sort of like a grilling pit. Mm-hmm. So, somewhere over here. Okay. This is where Bodhi dropped the big bag of flour. And so somewhere over there. In the corner. Tweed, you're up.

What's the... The guards are still stuck in that web, right? Yes, sir. Yeah, one chased me up the stairs. And there's one chasing him up the stairs? Can I... Is there any way I can take a shot at that guy that's heading up the stairs? Absolutely. The guards are on our side.

The guards were on your side. I'm going to use my funny mage hand thing. The guard's running up the steps, right? I'm going to grab his ankle and yank him so that he trips and sort of slides backwards down a few steps. Sarah, for you and the new listeners, he learned a very special mage hand spell that allows it to

go extra far by using the Feywild dimension. Glad you're putting it to good use. Fey's gone wild. Do a way I also fist this poor murderous thing. I also fisted a nun on a bus from a distance once. Dear.

I'm not innocent. What was it? That and folktale. Not a thing you really did. Will you please do a wisdom check? A difficulty of 16. You get a plus two bonus on this. Didn't you just do that and fail? Oh, sorry, go ahead.

Five. Is that it? No. So you see your little hand kind of go and kind of just go between his legs and kind of like you give him a little tight roll on his pants, but other than that, no.

Boat ear up. What? I tried, but I failed. Trace it. Trace it. He's ready to dance to New Kids on the Block now. It was either that or light the web on fire and kill those three guys. Were those the two choices? I'm mad that it's taking so long and he's in the corner

you figured out he's been cornered there's a big spit where they're roasting a pig in the corner to your left and you realize that if he hasn't been hit by a flower and you're not seeing new footprints in the flower he's in that corner or he climbed a wall and he's on the ceiling or something

I'm gonna rage and then i'm gonna uh i tried to get him to talk uh i know you're right there say something or you're gonna die uh do an intimidation check. Difficulty 15. Yeah. Yeah. You hear... 14 and then I have a plus three. Actually, he gets to try to... You hear from right behind the spit against the wall really quietly.

Fuck. Brian, kill it. Wait, there's something else whispering. Who are you? Why did you kill him? Why did you kill him? You see a footprint and a flower approaching you. All right.

Herald of Kelmar. I just swing it at him. Go for it. So first it fires up and then... Yeah, that's a hit. Fucking 19. Roll for damage. All right.

That was not going to be an easy hit either. That's more like a Herald of Ramus. Shut the fuck up. Dan looks bummed. Five on that, plus some raging. Three, plus fire damage. Two. All right, so you swing the flaming sword, and all of a sudden, a figure explodes into flame in

front of you. And as it does so, it tries to yank its cloak off and make a mad dash for one of the doors behind you by running under your arm. I'm going to try to stop. It by running under your arm. I'm gonna try to stop. It does get under your arm. But using. But there's a flaming cloak being dropped on the ground right in front of you.

Hey Tom, you're up. Yeah, I'm running up the stairs. Wouldn't I get another action there? No, because you already spent one trying to intimidate him and freak him out. Oh, okay. Am I up here yet? Am I up in the kitchen

do i get a bonus though uh no all right i'm sorry i'm just trying to figure out like i feel like i should have been able to try to at least stop him well well first of all you did you you made him get fraidy and then he advanced on you and then no but i mean when he ran when he ran by me i feel like i'll tell you what i'll tell you what i mean look at this i feel like we could we'd be able to see him now too in some way burning or something he took his cloak off the cloak was on yeah you know what you have an advantage on dexterity saving throws, so... That's what I thought.

Well, no, isn't it part of my danger sense or what is it? Yeah, but I always thought of it as just traps, but it's not. There's spells, too, and he's technically... Because he was invisible, I wasn't going to give it to you. Well, it's not just... Do a dexterity saving throw. It's my agility in almost any dangerous situation. Roll your dexterity.

Cool. No, I'm just making sure. Ah! 18. That dice is dexterous. You catch him under your arm. He's wiggling. You can't see him yet.

Tom, you're up. I'm running up the stairs still. You come through And Esmeralda's Standing square in the doorway And you see Bodhi's Got his sword on fire And there's something burning on the ground

And trapped underneath his arm Is what looks like an elf Aw it's a little elf Let's grab him And question him That's what I'm trying to do You want. Let's grab him and question him. That's what I'm trying to do. You want to try and grab him?

No, if he's got him, I'm going to question him. What are you going to say? Who are you and what are you here for? Are you nice or mean? Super mean. Okay. Intimidating. Yeah, yeah. That'll be a difficulty of 20.

But you get a monster bonus on intimidation checks. So you only need to roll a seven. Really? Not even close. What does that sound like? Four. No, what does that sound like? Could I think?

No, what does it sound like? I I think? No, what does it sound like? I don't know. What, a masculine? That's what I'm saying. I don't have my good intimidating. No, but I want to hear him say it. What happened? What is what? Oh, shit.

The elf turns to you and spits and you see it's a drow. Now I'm mad. Shit. The elf turns to you and spits, and you see it's a drow, Esmeralda, you're up. Now I'm mad. Yeah, you guys all have all the, now I'm seeing the downside of being, you guys out-leveling me so dramatically with all of your beautiful bonuses,

but I'm gonna try to intimidate too. Go for it. Why the heck not? Don't be jealous. I am jealous. Okay, so it's a difficulty 20. You get a decent bonus. That's why I was at C.. Wildly so. So it's a difficulty 20. You get a decent bonus. That's why I was at C.

You need a 16. 15. Dan, tell her. Just under. Yeah, what can you do? Do something with a 15. He wriggles a little more free, and he turns his gaze to you and grits his teeth.

Does he have a little bit of a disadvantage because he's nude? He's not nude. I mean, he's still wearing like a bracers and loincloth. Just bracers? Okay. No. His genitals are covered. His thighs, his supple drow thighs are armored still.

But yeah, no kidding. But yeah, like you've still got your, you can do a combat action or you can. Give him a smack. I mean, does he look like he's got a good hold on him? For a turn. Okay, so would I be able to attempt to just tie him up? It seems. Sure, yeah. Yeah, totally. All right, I'm going to attempt to just tie him up it seems I sure yeah yeah totally all right

I'm gonna do that then okay uh do a oh I have to roll and forget it I'm probably gonna hang myself back I mean he's incapacitated but like he's still gonna fight back uh he's not in like unconscious incapacitated got it you'd have to do a dex check. Okay. Well, I mean. You're not going to do it? No, I'm going to do it. Yeah. Then fucking roll your dice. How dare you? I failed and it's your fault.

Oh, no. I think I honestly tripped myself with the rope. That's how bad that just felt. All right. Well, I'll say you get it around him, but nothing. I mean, there's no not. What's up, Tweed? You're in the rainy room.

I'm in the rainy room? And you just saw a guard disappear. In the Rainforest Cafe. I'm going to fly after this guy. So I'm just going to like... Burst through the door at top speed. Yeah, I'm going to start flying. You manage to get through the door,

and you see a guard with his sword drawn about to bring it down on the back of Tom. Oh. Okay. What are you going to do? Can I get to him? Can I get to him? I mean, you're at him.

Okay, well, I'm just going to... I'm going to plow into him from the side and just knock him off balance. Alright, that'll be an acrobatics check. Difficulty of 12. 11. Well, you got a plus 9, so that's no problem. Okay. This guy drops his

sword and staggers off to the side. Yeah, I just kind of wanted to do a little tackle on him. The rest of you guys see a guard kind of do like a little soft shoe as he tries to gain his footing in the flower-covered floor. Guillaume! Quit dancing and start swinging! Bodhi, the drow that's wriggling

under you feels like he might be about to escape if things don't go differently this turn. I'm... I'm going to try to put a sleeper hold on him and lift him up off his feet. Cool.

So you're going to throw an earlier, funnier Woody Allen movie on him. That's going to be an athletics. You got a pretty swell bonus on that. Yep. You got a pretty swell bonus on that.

You managed to re-incapacitate him, but you don't feel like you're cutting off the oxygen supply to his brain. So what do I do with my next action? Up to you. You can try again. That would hit. Yep, so this time he starts to gag, and you get the feeling he's not getting out of your arm anytime soon. Okay, I tell him to rest. This almost takes you out of combat.

Go to sleep. But, Tom, you realize there's a guard kind of staggering off to the side. What's wrong with that guy? He just tried to attack you and Tweed knocked him. Well, I'll take his sword and throw it away. Okay. He just tried to attack you and Tui knocked him. Take his sword and throw it away. Okay. Do a... Well, he dropped it, actually.

I was going to make you do a check, and I'm like, wait a minute. He dropped his sword. And then, again, I want to ask this guy. Identify yourself and tell me what you're doing. Roll your intimidation check and let's see how good it is. Ooh. False time. You see him get real, real freaked out, but he can't talk.

He's being choked. I release a little bit. He says, It's too late. The plans are in motion. No. What plans? Motion plans.

The end of all things. Oh, they're doing it again. Who's bringing about the end of all things? It doesn't matter. Yes, it does. The goddess. The forgotten one. Oh, is that Lou Elvin?

You're up, Esmeralda. I mean, it feels like I could do the least damage by just standing here and listening, but I... Did the Thane say something about there was somebody in the tower, right? That had been telling them something? Mm-hmm. Yeah, honestly, for real, I'm just going to let him continue to talk, I guess. So, because there's no advantage here.

No, you could... You know what? Is there a question you want to ask? He's kind of like pinned and the guard is kind of like realizing something's going on. Why did you kill the Thane? Do a persuasion check, won't you?

You tricked me. Nine plus two is eleven He said he couldn't be trusted He was naive And on that note I think we're gonna call it for The first episode of season two Everybody's phones are going off anyway. We should go see if a North Korean missile hit our families.

Hey, let's plug stuff. BrianPassane.com for new tour dates. When is this one airing? This one is going to air in a couple weeks. Hang on, I'll tell you. So I've got Denver and I've got Austin

and San Francisco. February 12th and 13th this will drop. Come see me if you live in three awesome cities. One of those three awesome cities. Come see me. BrianPersine.com I'm going to be hosting

Luchavavum for Valentine's Day, the 14th and 15th of that week. So if you're in Los Angeles, come on by and try to park at Luchavavum. Follow me on Twitter. I'm at RealDonaldTrump. Oh, that's you! Wow! follow me on Twitter I'm at real Donald Trump

oh that's you wow you're tweeting all the time you're really funny I have a lot of free time it turns out hey Sarah you got anything? no

hey everybody how does it feel to have Sarah back? great thanks so much for listening Hey everybody How does it feel to have Sarah back? Great No pressure Thanks so much for listening Bye Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker You can follow us at

Patreon.com slash Nerd Poker And you get bonus episodes from there And you can also Send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Sino, California at 91416. Thanks for listening.