Nerd Poker - Episode 15 - Bariss Junior

Episode Date: July 26, 2017

The siege of Count Bariss's castle continues, and as the party digs deeper through its chambers they encounter more and more disturbing abominations, including one of those soda machines with all the flavorings in it. Will everything get set on fire? Will Tom meet the re-animated Netty? No, he won't. But it will be creepy.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition, and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint. It's time for... Oh, I thought you weren't going to jump in. Oh, yeah? Okay.

Well, what are they listening to? Lean into the mic so people can hear you. Rhodes and Brian Posehn's Dirt Poker. Thanks, buddy. Apparently he's part owner of the show. Sounds like some season two shit.

He just bought a lot of the stock early on. Yeah. So we've got my friends here, Ken Daly, Dan, and Blaine. Hi, it's me, Blaine. Lean into the mic if you're going to whisper. Okay. He moved his mouth but i am gonna blow this mother out let's get this thing started yeah don't get too loud uh so we've done some damage in the last couple of weeks but uh real quick anything you want to

plug coming up uh oh um by the time this comes out i don't know um i'm gonna be doing a show at second city coming up oh that's right this is three weeks yeah we're gonna this is gonna happen probably in august though so this is the future of the past yeah i got i got a show this week that's probably too late to plug i I got Peoria, Illinois in August. I opened for you in Peoria once. Oh, yeah, Jukebox. Yes. That's where I'm going to be.

I got Dan, the club owner down there. Yes. Hey, when does this air? Not even sure. The end of the month. I think this one's going to air, what? I keep forgetting where I had it. July 31st or August 1st, maybe?

Okay. August 3rd, Lucia Vavum at the Mayan in Los Angeles. Oh, nice. Our summer blowout. Let's go on out and get blown out. Cool. And join Patreon. We've got the July bonuses that will have already been recorded

are with Jerry Duggan and Rick Remender. We're recording them tomorrow. Join up and listen. Yeah. We should talk about this swag we got, too. Oh, yeah. So Wizards, Greg Tito over at Dungeons & Dragons proper sent us a bunch of figurines. They do a lady proud.

They're the diet lunch that you can crunch out loud. Figurines. So they went through their stock and they tried to match your characters. They did pretty good. Yeah. My dude is definitely half orky. We should take pictures of these guys.

And with the pug nose he's got the right amount of charisma. Tom's holding on to his tail. Oh, and my guy. Like a boner. We got this Bodhi drawing, by the way, Brian, that someone just posted on Twitter. Oh, my God. With the Nixon mask.

That's hilarious. Yeah, that's when you were briefly in the Michael Shanker group. Yeah. So we got that. They sent me a bunch of dice, and they sent me a bunch of NPC figurines too. So thanks, Greg. And then Elderwood Academy went bananas.

Oh, yeah, yeah. These guys make amazing stuff. They sent us a bunch of spell books that they've got. They're really like... And what do you call these dice holders? Hex chests. Hex chests. Yeah, uh they've got they're they're really like what do you call these dice holders uh hex chests hex chests yeah so we've got these basically handcrafted wooden cigar boxes with mirrors that convert into dice trays but hold your dice and these little foam things looks like a cthulhu on the cover there on my stuff i got a codex dice tower so I can roll dice behind the screen without taking up a lot of real estate it's dope roll up tray yeah it's all magnetic I

got too much yeah I got a matching dragon sounds like this and a book or the the hex what do you call it a hex hex chest hex chest yes and we've got some little trays have a little decided what to do with yet. Oh, we'll just put them away somewhere. Some lucky listener. Yeah, so if you are on Patreon, this is the sort of swag bounty you could potentially take advantage of. Burp.

So thank you, Elderwood Academy, with that. Here's a belch to your health. Should we jump in? I think we should. We'll actually do our recap. So you guys decided. I've been listening, by the way. Should we all get fired?

No. I know. I bring it heavy. I know. You guys are super funny. I wasn't ready for my annual report no no myself like i uh i've made some i've made some bad choices in the last couple of weeks we get a lot of comments about how uh i believe i feel like they fit bode and i feel like they fit my style of playing and uh you know what it is first of all people call it murder hope or murder hoboing where you just kill everything like they their lives don't matter um that's funny

it's because we don't have uh sarah gazzardo in the crew i think that wants to stop and ask a lot of questions no i think it's also because we're on this this black island where where uh there's kind of no hope almost. Well, true, but then whenever I try to tell you there's a gray area, you're like, fuck gray areas, and you set it on fire. Because you never run off killing people. Hey, remember that time you ran off killing people? That was great.

I don't know if you have more to say about this, Brian, but I think this is a good segue into where you are now. Yeah, let's talk about where we are. You're in a place that is definitely evil. Good. Awesome. And you started one hell of a throwdown. So you decided, fuck Count Barrus.

You heard he was perhaps the most difficult vampire on the whole island and decided, well, sounds good to us. There is the Demolith floating around the island somewhere you're not sure where he's at but he has transcended a physical form so that could be tricky anyway Demolith man oh yeah there's Gago

someone recently pointed out on the comments on Patreon that they think he sounds like Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force I hear that how's it going guys I sound a lot like the real like Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I hear that. How's it going, guys? I sound a lot like the real Wisdom Cube.

I wonder what that is. No, I know. They tell me I sound just like Steve McQueen. So, yeah, you broke into his castle, although you did something I want to point out that uh benefits you strategically a lot so uh twee you got guarding well there's first of all your outfits and furniture are impeccable but you broke into the tower the north tower where there you saw like sort of an astronomy study set up at the very top. Tui scouted that for you and flew you all up, and they did notice that was going on.

But Bodhi also slayed the gardener, this big hulking dude, and that drew a lot of attention to the front gates. Wait, he was just the gardener? Yeah. Did I know that when I killed him? Yes. I feel like I thought he was guarding something. He did talk an awful lot about his garden? Yeah. Did I know that when I killed him? Yes. I feel like I thought he was guarding something.

He did talk an awful lot about his garden. Yeah. Do I black out when I play? I think so. It is interesting how you take a whole bottle of kitchen cleaner and just drink it right before we start. You go into a d we start but um he did try to fight back you you definitely right right i thought he was like some sort of guard or something

i didn't think it was i believe bodhi's yeah like if you attack anybody and they fight back they deserve to die but i didn't know it was chauncey gardener anyway what you did that was good if should you want to break into this castle is you created sort of an illusion that maybe their front gates were being attacked also by killing one of one of their uh i mean he was a big guy like he was part of the protection of the front gate so that's okay now you've descended the tower a little bit i want to remind you that you left a survivor uh that you that you may want to rescue later in the tower you might not remember this but there is a guy who looks like he had had some

sort of magical surgeries performed yeah yeah i remember leaving him just a torso and a head with some eyes no thanks um and he was telepathically thanking you uh for maybe freeing him later but you came in through the tower you've killed what looks like some wizards that are sort of... One guy, he had a human face that was on a serpent's neck. Sure. And then a couple of guys with hippo faces and a couple of guys with horse faces,

but human flesh on them. Yeah. And human bodies. And they were all in this tower kind of hanging out. They were not expecting you, but once you booted a couple of them off of their landing, they were sort of reclining. They were chilling out on this landing,

and you set one of them on fire, and then I think threw three of them. Bodhi really made one go way off into the pit, because this is a castle that is on a spire in the middle of the mountains, and there's a big pit around the whole castle. Well, maybe you shouldn't hang around a bad vampire count or whatever the hell he is.

Well, everything you've seen so far... You load your dogs, you get thrown off a ledge. Everything you've seen so far seems to have been the result of some sort of dark magic or necromancy they've their creatures that all look like abominations none of them look like they should be there they it's the castle of dr. Moreau and so as these guys ricocheted off you you you guys start to get kind of a good look at sort of the around. I don't want to get...

I want you to look too closely, but here's sort of a map of where you guys are at. You're on a landing on this tower, and you booted some guys off of this landing. You see squirming around down here, way down below, because you're still about 10 flights up this tower. There's a bunch of little horrible looking abominations that are noticing these wizards being booted off and murdered um that

said way over here near the main gate you're seeing a defense mount for what they think is also a simultaneous attack at the gates because you killed the gardener let's kill him in their back so um most of the castle is actually starting to amass at the front gate where the drawbridge is being pulled up uh you see some flying creatures with bows and arrows rise up above the wall and aim towards the front gates as if something might be coming. You see what look like giant gray katydids fly up over the wall and descend on the garden. They have to be gray. Huh? Why do they have to be gray? Well, they're sort of ashy colored.

There's something necrotic about it. It reminds you a little bit sort of the matted charcoal gray that those deer on stilts were. So, yeah, these deer guys, they look like deer, but they've got 10 foot long stilt legs are kind of prancing away in the mountains from the castle. they've got long gliding steps, kind of like those weird stilt creatures in the Dark Crystal, and they're kind of just like disappearing into the distance. I hate them. All played by Andy Serkis.

But it looks like most of the defense is mounting the fronts. They're noticing something is getting kicked off the tower, but all the soldiers appear to be going to the front. And there are a lot of beings in this castle. All right. What do you want to do? Are we all together? Yes. Okay.

Gago is also with you. Spiral staircase still? Hmm? We're still in the spiral staircase. Yeah, you're about 10 stories up this tower. Let's work our way down. See what we find. Cool. Maybe there's an underground we can exit out of

There surely is somewhere far down this tower so As you start heading down you only get about one story down and there's a door. Uh-huh Just a door. Mm-hmm. No other way. We have to go through the door or can we pass to continue going down the stairs you have to go through this door check traps yeah let's check it um is this what how do you

check traps yeah I think you got a roll it's like a wisdom thing isn't it who has that you know I'm super good at it I got a high wisdom and all that shit I don't remember. Let's see. I guess I've got my... Okay.

Did I do pickpockets, burglars? Oh, I gave you... Yeah, you roll your wisdom against the traps difficulty. Okay. So just, yeah, roll your wisdom and I'll tell you how you did. I will use my new giant die inside my cool book box. I would love it. I rolled under my wisdom.

Well, you're not going to try to roll under. Tell me what your... I rolled a seven. My wisdom is 17. Okay, but what's your modifier? You should have that little plus number next to your wisdom. Yes, I have no modifier. Oh, plus three, sorry.

Plus three, great. So what you really rolled is a 10, which is perfect. So you detect that there's some kind of magical trap, but it's going the other way. It's on the outside of the door. It's on your side. It's triggered if you were to come in through the other way. So we're fine to open it from this?

You think so, yeah. Okay. It's magical in nature, but you feel like it actually protects against people coming towards you as opposed to the other way around. All right, let's see. Let me...

I wonder if we use a mage hand to open it, just to be safe. Sure. And you and Blaine both have mage hand, if I'm not mistaken. Can we go for it? Yeah, sure. Great. Nothing happens. Opens seem fine. Terrific. What do we see? Stairs going down. You've still got nine floors to go.

All right, let's go. As you pass through, you hear sort of a whispering hissing noise behind you. That's neat. Someone has gas. Someone has gas. Has a gas out of their butt. Do you turn around or do you keep going down the stairs? Yeah, I'll turn around.

You notice the doorway looks black. Impenetrably black even with your night vision. Ah, so that's the magic on the door. Maybe. Maybe not. Like you can't see where you came from. Yeah. Cool. Let's keep going.

Yes? Sure. Yeah, sure. Continue waiting. As you head down the stairs, you're starting to hear murmurs and clamoring, but you make it down. There's a few closets along the way. Do you want to pop those open?

Do you want to? Sure. There's just brief little doors built into the center of the tower. I like to find shit. All right. Anyone who wants to look in a closet, roll a 100 for me, please. 15. Oh, 100.

100. So grab your 10s. You grab your 10s. You grab your 10s. 38. Pull that 238, so then you got it. 77. Star Wars. What are we supposed to roll?

There's some closets in this tower. Do you want to open a closet? Sure. And it's gone. What is that, 80? Yep, that's an 80. All right. Can you find in a closet a row of capes, one of which seems kind of nice.

You're not sure what it does. All right. Why don't you go ahead and throw that in your inventory. Blaine, you find a cache of gold, almost as much as you could carry. So I'm going to say you can carry the equivalent of like 300 gold pieces without having to stop or rearrange. How much gold do we need?

So far, you've boughten booze with gold and that's it. Was that a lot of booze? It kept Gago around. That's one better. I'm gonna get... I'm just gonna grab three for each one of us and that's it. And you know what. I'm going to get... I'm just going to grab three for each one of us, and that's it. And you know what?

I'm going to... How many guys do we have with us, henchmen-wise? Or not henchmen, but NPCs that are with us. Just one. You've got Gago right now. Okay. Lekas left. Lekas broke off to try to make peace with the elves

because he felt like an apology of some kind was in order. I'll just give him some gold pieces. Grab some extra gold in case you find him again cool yeah is there everybody wanted to just like i'll grab handfuls and hand them off to everybody yeah well thanks why is it how about you all just uh uh roll um yeah 100 to see how much gold you get yeah i don I don't want to encumber all of this. And Blaine, you can roll twice for Lekas. 57. 94. And 48.

Great. Let's write it down and it's yours. Wow. 94. 94. What the? Brian, you find what appears to be a really fancy spell book in one of these closets. It's got an eye carved into it.

Who would like to try or check that out? Do you want to eyeball it? Sure. He's of the party. Go ahead, Elixir. It seems to be able to teach you a warlock spell. Oh, dear. You're not sure what, but it does look like it's some sort of flight or dimensional spell.

I think you would need to rest and read it to get it for sure. I shouldn't have kept that, right? Huh? I felt like... As far as I'm concerned, it's still yours. It's up to Tom what he wants to do with it. You are a barbarian, though, so to learn the spell is... That's what I figured.

It's a sin. No, but we would have to discuss how you would earn experience towards figuring it out. I think you'd have to have a certain level of intelligence and wisdom to learn anything. You would have to like dual class basically. Those are not my strengths. So you keep heading downstairs. Strength is my strength. You head to the main floor.

What floor are we on now? Let's say if you've gone through three closets, you are now on the second floor. You're right about to hit a landing. Is there anything happening here on the second floor? You're hearing really loud clamoring outside. There's one more big door at the bottom of this stairwell. You've been going down a spiral stairwell.

The closets have been in a sort of central part of the tower. Should we come out this door and stay towards the back if we can and try to avoid being seen? Yeah, sounds good. So you open the door? Checking. Check it for traps? No traps on it.

You're fine. You figure it out. Once you open the door you can tell there's like a small staircase and then a lot of hustling and bustling. A lot of disgusting looking creatures. Most of which have human faces and small

either furry or leathery bodies. So what you're saying is we're at a Panera Bread. They're small? They're short in stature? They're all about the size of various dogs, but they're not dogs. They're like wombs. Do they walk on hind legs? No, they're walking on four legs.

They're like giant toads and wombats, little bears, and they've all got human faces. To walk on four legs breaks the law. Wait, to walk on two legs breaks the law? Walks on four legs in the morning breaks the law. And that's because Jesus

carried me. Who makes the law? They've all got necklaces and bracelets on. Sure, why wouldn't they? You think they might be part of what identifies them because they seem to have Oh, we're at Comic Con. They've got lanyards. What's that smell?

You hear them talking about Minecraft a lot and Roblox. Smells like us so uh but there's some big there's some big barrels and uh rolled up carpets supplies near this door um it looks like a door that not a lot of people use it's it's it's high up at the top of this mini staircase so you think maybe only certain people are allowed to go through this door um but no one's looking for you at the tower whose office was at the top i'm guessing perhaps uh what else do we see in this room is there any exit yes so you are now here um there is a mini staircase right here is this where we thought that uh what's the guy's name embarrassed was gonna be you you did not really guess where embarrassed was gonna be exactly but you are now

inside it's like a it's like a 30 foot ceiling uh there's a lot of the hustle and bustle is like sort of in this area there's a hallway that goes this way um and you you sense that there's this another door over here people are coming in and out of this door there's a another big doorway that you suspect might go outside you see people coming in and out of okay where should we go first i don't know you do get a feeling that right now you're kind of hiding behind some barrels and carpets, but if you make much noise or approach the staircase, you'll be noticed by 20-some of these little wombat and toad creatures. I'm going to play a little song.

You won't see me. You won't see me. You won't see me. You won't see me. You won't see me. You won't see me. Okay. Yeah, now I'm invisible. Okay. Great.

So Tweed's invisible. What else is going on? Been working? I put on the cape. Do I feel anything? You do. You feel energetic. Not sure what it means yet.

It's the cape of monster energy drink. Plus five heart attack in high school. Well. Get a plus one to making it through exams okay well you want to scope out see if there's some way we can get out of here or do we want to

fight our way through all these well we're looking for the guy right we're probably going to have to kill his guards anyway are these guys guards or we don't even know what they are? None of them have opposable thumbs. They all have little paws and claws. Hmm.

Well, should we try to be stealthy, or should we? There is no way, right? There's no stealth. Yeah. I really don't feel like there's any stealth other than for blames. Well, let's check out these other doors. Which one? There's one.

The one they're going for? I'm trying to show you the map. Yeah. You can go to the right, and there's one kind of behind you down the stairs. Or you go straight ahead, and there's a big door that looks like it goes outside. And there's a hallway that's indoors that goes really far down. You can't see the end of it. Okay, well, let's kind of just scope them out let's go to the the low the one that goes downstairs first

straight ahead or around the corner to the side okay so um you uh how are you gonna do this you're gonna you're gonna try and sneak you're gonna send twee invisible what are you gonna do i i'm gonna walk out first and i'm going to see if they smell me or if any of these things react me even though i'm invisible okay and i'm ready to start kicking them i have my james bond blow feltfeld boot knives This tower is badass I love it What are they called again?

Scroll Codex I think No the company that Oh Elderwood Academy They are Fucking Awesome This box is so cool I don't even want to put weed in it so uh ruin it nobody notices when you get to the bottom of the stairs so now you're kind of on the main landing uh you can either go to your right and kind of go behind you there's a door here or

there's a door straight ahead but there's guys running around everywhere you feel like as soon as you step far from the landing you might just trip over one of them is uh they're all about knee height is there some sort of distraction i i could make with a mage hand to distract you guys. There's torches on the walls. There's a bookcase to your left. And everyone's carrying little things on their backs. They've got, like, their necklaces are almost like thick leather collars. And even though they've got a pendant, a lot of them have just sort of what look like manual labor stuff

strapped to their backs. Okay. I know how I can distract these guys so that you guys can run down to where I am. Oops. Okay. I'm going to use my mage hand to grab a torch from the wall and light all those books on the bookcase on fire. We're fired. Okay.

Okay. So the... Let's see. The torch starts floating you know what i will i will have the torch light the books on the upper level like up on top so that they notice the fire and have to figure out how to get the right it, it's not immediately within reach. Yeah, and it also won't go straight up the bookcase and cause a crazy conflagration. Ooh, okay. You hope. So two of these guys,

the second you pick up the torch, notice something funny and start making yipping noises and go, no, no, no, look, look, look, look, no, no, no, no, look noises and go look look look look look look and all of them stop in their tracks and watch the torch float over to the bookshelf sure and sure enough the books burst into flame um and they go into all- panic mode and vacate the hall completely. Guys, guys, guys, now's your chance. Come on.

All right, we've come down. No attempt to put it out, nothing. Let's run down this doorway. Which way are you going to go? Around the corner and down. Like to the side. It's just a storage closet. There's just more supplies in there. Alright, so

there's a big door that seems to go outside and then a long hallway. I'll check the door. It goes outside? Yeah. Just to see if it does. All the guys either ran through this door or they went down the hallway. None of them went in the storage closet.

Okay. So you open the door, and so you're out on another landing. There's a short wall here designed as sort of a railing to keep people from just falling off of this landing. The landing's about two stories high. But over here, you notice there's sort of a high wall here that probably goes on the other side of the pit so the outer castle wall and along here is almost a house with a with a gilded door on the front of it a big gilded double door mm-hmm there's also ladders for the short wall rope ladders that you suspect they these little guys know how to shimmy up and, rope ladders, that you suspect these little guys

know how to shimmy up and down these rope ladders. And they kind of go into the inner castle walls. It looks like there's a big castle keep over this way,

but there is a little sort of hut here with gilded doors. And you're about two stories away. Is that like the residence? Maybe. Are there guys with eyeballs for heads?

There's nobody on this landing. However, near the castle keep, there's a lot of talk, a lot of scurrying, a lot of yipping down in the castle keep area. Away from that. Let's check the gilded doors. Should we do something with these ladders?

Cut the ladders? Sure. Cut one of them at least. Yeah, I'm going to go over. There's five ladders. While you guys are heading for the door, I'm going to cut these ladders. Tell me what you do at the door.

The ladders work. You manage to stealthily do it so you don at the door. The ladders work. You manage to stealthily do it so you don't immediately hear screaming or anything like that. Checking for trappedness and lockedness of the door. What'd you roll? 16. It is locked, but you don't

sense any traps. I have picking. I have key. Give it a try. Okay. Let me check that one. Let's see. Hey, what's this lockpicking? Yeah, what's that brought to you by, Blaine? This lockpicking brought to you by Brookstone.

Now with extra powerful vibrating chairs out front to really unlock the sexual potential of the prostate while your wife is in Nine West. Brookstone. Do you have a lock picking skill no but I have a kit how long she been all you need is a kit to do it yeah come on hi very high decks I have high intelligence all right ladies roll a dex with your your dex bonus so what's your modifier on there plus what war plus four four it's 18 great so you this this lock let's say it has a difficulty of 15 okay a 12 so you lose a lock pick okay how many we say you had at one point however it comes in a kit let's see we decided um look that up for me real

quick i don't see. Because I'm going to take away one of your picks. Okay, that's fine. We're going to do this Skyrim style. I feel mad about it. Oh, yeah. Every time you fail a lockpick, you lose a lockpick. Yeah, or a fallout.

Hairpins. I don't see any numbers, but let me see what comes in a kit. All right. Thieves kit. All right. Thieves tools. Thieves tools. All right.

Burglar's pack. I chose the burglar's pack. What's in a burglar's pack? That's a good question. I think you get a choice of apple slices or go-gurt. Go with the go-gurt. Those apple slices have so much chemicals in them. Roll a 20.

Roll a 20. That's how many lockpicks you have. All the chemicals. They both have live bacteria. No, no, no. Don't roll a 20. Roll a... Let's do 3d6.

All right. 3d6. Two, one, three. So you got six lockpicks. Great. And you just killed one. So put five hash marks or whatever in your inventory. And do you want to roll again?

Yeah, I do. Give it a shot. 18. Boom, it pops open. By this time, Tui is done cutting all the rope ladders and no one has noticed. Cool. What are you going to do? What's inside?

Set through the door or check out the door. What's inside? Sit through the door or check out the door. What's inside? Trouble. So you open the door and... Surprise! Happy birthday. There is a small standing area and it's a sheer drop. You look down and there's some kind of pool below.

There's no ledge around it? There's a ladder that goes down to a pool. There's a ledge. You're on a small ledge on the other side of this door. And there's a pool down below. You look and there's two more rope ladders on either side. Or one on either side. One looks like it goes

down into the water. And another goes down to another landing it's sort of um how do i put this there's a tunnel that goes through the water so there's like a wall the ladder goes beneath the pool right to what looks like another tunnel or something beneath go to the tunnel yeah okay let's do it there's room there's room for all three of you if you take turns going down the rope ladder okay it's very it's very dark but you can see and the pool is seems to be moving slightly should I light a torch to the water hmm light a torch are we dark we in the attractive tension okay so now no that's

alright how dark is it down at the bottom is it lit down there no it's not lit I would say we go until we can't see in that light a torch yeah but everybody If you look down the ladder and it looks like far beneath the pool, there's more light. Yeah, okay. But to get past the pool, it looks like you'll have to pass some darkness. We totally want to get past this pool as fast as possible. We all have dark vision or something. Yeah, but you're going to have to go down four stories of rope ladder, two of which are above this pool. All right.

I'm going to slide. You're going to fly down? Yeah. Who's going to go down the rope ladder first? Who's fastest? Is there a way to just slide down it? You can try. I'll go first.

Okay. Roll your dex. Do you have a modifier? You have plus two. Yeah, plus two. Great. Roll a difficulty of eight roll 20 right you need a six or higher good same for you. What's your... I got an eight, by the way. Plus four is my modifier, sorry.

Okay. Great. Who's going first? Me. You're first. You make it down one of the two stories. Nothing happens. You two roll again.

Blaine, you don't have to do anything. Good. Way over. Six. You said I needed a six. Yeah, six or better. So I hit a six.aine, you don't have to do anything. Good. Way over. Six. You said I needed to get right. Yeah, six or better. So I hit a six. No, you hit eight. Oh, eight.

Plus two. No, you said six or better. No, I had four plus two. Oh, I see. I see. Okay. So you get right to the surface of the pool, and you hear a splashing noise. Okay.

And a voice says, Father. Is that you, Father? No! I don't say anything. No? No, I wouldn't say anything. I wish you did. I'm going to keep going okay roll again

Blaine I'm going to say you flew ahead right yeah I'm next to these guys in case they slip or something cool you make it to the bottom and you're hovering but like you're in a small room with another there's another gilded door. You made the next one.

You hear a booming voice above you go, Father, is it time, Father? Keep going. Go back to bed. We don't think that was Barris, do we? No. Who do we think it was? They think we're Barris. Yeah.

You're now in a very... Thatris's son very narrow junior you're in a narrow vertical almost like a well uh where it's just it's just stone wall around you as wide as that creature you're barely fitting through it you think it's residing in the pool above you okay cool um keep going then. Roll one more dex check as you hop to the ground, please. Got it. So you make it to the bottom. There's a gilded door.

It's locked. And now you hear cries of father in that voice above you. Oh, father. Oh, the shame of it. Let's pick this lock or dip through it.

Yeah. Give it a shot. Pick a little. Great, pops open. There is a hallway with a fine plush purple carpet.

Nice. Sounds like we just picked our way to a double tree. Very fancy torches. A side table with drinks, but it's a hallway and it leads towards another set of gilded doors. There's nobody

there. Okay, keep going. I'm just a house with gilded doors. You hear a howling noise behind you up the ladder that you can't... Sure we do. What are we doing? Next doors? Yeah, next doors. Pops open. What are we doing? Next doors? Yeah, next doors. Yep.

Pops open. You are in some... I've got to count my picks. You didn't lose a pick. Oh, right. You only lose a pick if you fail in my rules. So you've got five, I believe. You're in now a throne room There is a

A dark purple Upholstered seat And like It's just a fucking throne You know like it's It's just a fucking throne room You know a fucking throne room You've been to Europe

What do you think? You've seen that shit You know what we're talking about You've been to Europe. What do you think? You've seen that shit. You know what we're talking about. You've been to medieval times. Everything is stone and velvet. Medieval. There's no wood. Surprise, surprise.

Khan Amalegda left a wooden table in his great hall. There's no such... Khan Amalegda, the first vampire you killed. Remember him? You found some stakes when you smashed up a table, but no such luck here. Everything's made of stone and velvet. There's a big stone meeting table in the middle of the room

with mini high chairs, six of them seated there. The whole hall is empty. There's two more great doors on the other side of the room, and you hear clamoring on the other side of them these doors are huge are there any other doors? one behind you and that's it

what kind of clamoring? sounds like metal is that like the people at the main gate almost? just a lot of shit going on outside where's this guy? where's Barris? Metal against metal. People at the main gate almost? You're not sure. There's a lot of shit going on outside. Where's this guy? Where's Barris?

I don't know. I know where his son is. He's not in this throne room. I know where little Barris is. Barry Barris. Barry Jr. He's not on the toilet like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction, is he? Or do we just sort of walk in and stumble on him and shoot him? Roll for Tarantino. You hear a loud booming noise from where you came.

20 on this die is an actual ampersand from D&D Ampersand. Should we try to meet this guy halfway? Should we head up? I think we're going to have to kill this guy that's booming. Who, father? The kid, right? It's going to have to kill this guy that's booming. Who, father? The kid. Right? She's going to make him mad.

She's going to make Barris all mad. I just shrugged, everybody. Listeners. This is a big room. There is a lot of decoration here, a lot of furniture. Is there anything we can scavenge through? Yeah. Absolutely. Let's fucking look through what they got here where you want to start try to find something out about this place

so here's a bookshelf with this guy's wife's underwear drawer up here is where the throne is on either side of it there are um uh two um uh what do you call it like uh counselor chairs on either side. I thought you were going to say one of those soda machines that has 100 flavors. Coca-Cola with grape. You know what I do? I do Coke cherry vanilla, and then I do half Barks root beer with vanilla. Wow.

I do Dr. Pepper with vanilla Coke, or ginger ale with vanilla, I like, too. Oh, ginger ale with vanilla Coke. Hey, guys. Hi, we're talking soda. You came through this tunnel. Yeah. You're here. There's two great doors here. Um, if you head up here,

you, there's some, some, uh, what looked like little serving areas on either side, some small tables with less ornate chairs. Okay. But there's two sort of,

uh, what look like high servant or counselor chairs on either side. There's four smaller chairs on it. Total. Two on either side of this throne. Over here there's tons of bookshelves. Yeah, let's look at the books. There's like rows and rows of books.

So... Let's peruse the books. You see lots of stuff on the on the history of Amina on and a lot of Dwarven history interesting Dwarven genealogical charts huh geology books whose whose castle was this Before Barris took over do we know Seems like it Seems like this is in Barris' books They might be you're not sure

Maybe Alright Let's find something to kill Common races that have been vampireized But the chairs are big they're not dwarf sized You hear a howling Noise outside that have been vampirized. But the chairs are big. They're not dwarf-sized. You hear a howling noise outside. Are the chairs dwarf-sized?

And booming noises. I would notice if the chairs were dwarf-sized. No, they're not. Okay. And you start to hear a booming right outside one of the great doors that you have not used yet. Booming? The main door? Great footsteps, it sounds like.

But they're falling in quick succession, like boom, ba-boom, boom, ba-boom, boom, ba-boom. Four-footed giant thing. Oh, maybe it's a thing from The Mist. Is it Roger Boom? What are we doing? It's explosives, like, because of Roger Boom? What are we doing? Explosives like my cousin Roger Boom. You hear something on the other side. The gray door saying, I will protect you, father.

Oh, father. Wait, it's another guy protecting another. He could have had two sons. You don't know. Well, maybe everybody calls him father. There's Eric and Junior. All right. Maybe everybody calls him father. There's Eric and Junior. Alright. Maybe everybody calls him

father. From the booming you heard, you start to wonder if maybe the thing you awoke exited another way and came around because he doesn't fit through the tunnel you came through. Oh, okay. It sits in the water. Alright. Because you came down a very narrow passage and this sounds like a very

large thing. Yeah. Okay. I'm ready to fight. But I'm going to tuck in. I'm going to take a defensive position on the other side of the door. Do you think they know we're even in here? I think so.

They could be stomping around outside. One of the doors rips out of its doorway. Well, now I guess they know. He'd be stomping around outside. One of the doors rips out of its doorway. Well, now I guess they know where he is. Yeah. He's a magnesis. Well, do I have any sort of jump on him? Yeah. Okay.

So you three tell me. You had time to prepare. Where are you two? Yeah. I know where he is. Bodie, you're leaning against this wall. That's the door? That's the door there? Yeah. He's coming through this one. I'm taking cover behind that. What's... Bodhi, you're leaning against this wall. That's the door? That's the door there? Yeah.

He's coming through this one. I'm taking cover behind that. What's this, a table here? Yeah, I'm down... Yeah, you're like back here behind the table. Where are you floating, Tui? I am floating on the far wall as high as I can until I can sort of figure out what...

Is he still invisible? Great. Invisible. Yeah. Tui, you notice as this door rips open something comes in it looks like a giant four-legged spider it's got the face how giant huh how giant how tall um bigger than this room Oh but not quite two stories tall can't fit in it squeezes through its legs fold through the door and pull its thorax and head through. Eight or ten foot. It looks like a hairy orca

with four giant spider legs. Orca? Yeah. It's got like a porpoise mouth. It's got tiny, tiny little black eyes just four legs no arms no he's not carrying anything

each of its legs are hairy and full of spines at the end I'm casting a ray of sickness as soon as I get a chance you're behind a table and you're going to have to reveal yourself to this thing which appears to be you know as soon as you reveal yourself you're going to have to reveal yourself to this thing which

appears to be you know as soon as you reveal yourself you're gonna be with an arms reach I'm gonna rage okay Bodhi oh first of all how we doing on the old clocky poo Sam lovely roll roll your initiative everybody if you'd be so kind. What do we roll? 20? Yeah. Yeah. 20. 17.

17. This thing announces itself to the room as Bistel the Magnificent, here to protect its father. Look, everyone, it's Liberace. Who's up first? You're going to be magnificent when you die. I'm casting the sickness. Give me your perceptions again, everybody.

This guy's a 12. My perception? I'm sorry, your initiative. Oh, so I had a 13. And Blaine, what'd you get? He had 20. Great. So, Blaine, what'd you get? He had 20. Great. So Blaine, what you gonna do?

I am... I can... It's got two eyes, right? Sure does. I'm going to fly... Because I lose... Yep. I lose my invisibility when I attack.

So I'm going to lose my invisibility as I take out one of its eyes with my sword. I'm just going to DI one of it and then fly straight back away from it as fast as I can. I saw DI live with TSOL. They were terrific. This thing, I'll say because you're flying, you've got more than enough time to use this as your action, but you still got to roll difficulty for the attack. Sure.

Let's say this thing, because it's moving fast into the room and it seems very spry. Hey, you know what I'm going to do instead? I'm going to cast a cloud of daggers at its eyes. Please do. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that.

Alright. And that's a cloud of daggers. I saw a cloud of daggers open for a hunt or something. You fill the air with spinning daggers and a cube five feet on each side? Center it on a point you choose within range. That's going to be just the eyes.

4D4 slashing damage. That'd be a great band name. That's not slashing damage. So roll 44. I saw a... I actually had a cat named 44 because it cost $44 to get a shot. Yeah, roll 44,

and it'll all be on one eyeball. Oh, how many what? 44 towards this eyeball. 44 towards this eyeball. And because you're invisible, he can't make a saving throw against this. Four. That was another four if you want to count.

Two, four, six. Ten. Great. You at least temporarily blind one of its eyes, and it's how it fills the hall. Sure. I believe you are up. Chase, remind me, I'm casting Grease. Go for it.

It's the word. All I do is cast. I'm just casting Grease at his feet. Ten foot mess of Grease. Nothing happens yet, but you have a good feeling about it. It's fun. I'm just hoping you can't get any funny. I never liked musicals.

A couple of popular movies over the years. Not even Hamilton? it's fun I'm just hoping you can't get any funny I never liked musicals and I never I a couple popular movies over the years not even Hamilton I haven't seen it me neither and I haven't seen Book of Mormon

I want to see Book of Mormon Book of Mormon is fantastic I saw we all went I think you went with me to see Jerry Lewis and Damn Yankees

yeah didn't we all go yeah we did about 15 years ago. Yeah, it was for the... A bunch of us went. We did Day the Clown Cried. Patton took us all out to see Damn Yankees.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. That's one of the few I've seen live. Do you know what I remember about that was Jerry Lewis doing the thing with the canes where he would... Yeah, he stood shtick in the middle of the show. Yeah, where he... And we all lost our damn minds.

Yeah, and he would reach and they'd throw a cane and he'd miss the cane and then he would reach, and they'd throw a cane, and he'd miss the cane, and then do a cane, and then he'd hold his hand out, and he'd throw another cane, and he keeps doing these missing the cane takes, and he must have done what, like 27 canes? And he finally goes, ah, to hell with this, and he grabs it and totally nails it. He's a professional, that guy. Hey, Brian, what you gonna do?

Um... You raged. Yeah, um... So you can use a bonus action to attack. Well. That's plus five against a machine. I'm going to great sword him. Do it. Roll to attack.

Maybe try to take a leg out from under him. His natural armor class is 17. So that is what your attack is going to be. If you're going to aim for a leg, you've got to, with your strength modifier, best 17. Well, maybe I'll go for the other eye then. There's something soft where the

AC is last. But the difficulty is still going to be hard because it's a called shot for a small area. Blaine got to miss it because he was invisible. Okay, well I'm going to just take two swings at him. Do it. At his legs. Go for it. See what happens.

And you got a plus five to your attack. 17. Boom. So at least one connect. Want to roll for damage on that one? Sure. This is on a leg. Yeah. 2d6. You got it right there.

Yeah, no, I was superstitious. You just like to feel your dice. I kind of had a... Good enough. Five total on that. And then is there a plus on damage? There is. Yeah, so what did I get?

A nine. So nine damage. Awesome. Because I get a four if I'm raging. And roll your second attack. And then 17 again Jesus Great

Starting George Burns And who cares You might remember me from the Sunshine Boys I don't remember me from the Sunshine Boys Oh nice 14 on that one Plus another 4 right No I rolled a 10 and then plus my 4

Wow okay so you really hacked the shit Out of this thing's leg that one. Oh, fuck. That's plus another four, right? No, I rolled a ten and then plus my four. Wow, okay, so you really hacked the shit out of this thing's leg. Good. And it leans on it and howls again. It super does not like you, though, Bodhi. I don't care. I don't like him either.

What's his stupid name? Something the what? The Mysterious or Jackass? Bisdell the Magnificent. Bisdell the Magnificent. And he swings a leg at you. And that worked just fine. It worked.

I don't care. We've had a chance to heal. Are we still down points? He does seven points of damage against you as he swings his leg into your gut. Ouch. And you fall back out of sword range. You'd have to run back at him again.

Okay. Fucking kill this guy. uh out of out of uh sword range you'd have to run back at him again okay let's fucking kill this guy uh we're at an hour though um what should we do well i think we should uh we should call it okay cool this this guy is uh damaged but got plenty of okay he's plenty of spunk left all right He's got blood gushing out of his leg and his eyeball. We were being attacked by Rod Stewart from that thing I heard. This was gross. Not that kind of spunk.

This is 15, right? Yeah, I think so. Episode 15. Thanks for listening to episode 15, everybody. Spunk. Was he supposed to have 12 ounces of spunk? That's a lot of spunk. Equal to a can of Coke.

Warm Coke. Have you ever seen what happens if you put a tooth in a glass of semen overnight? Jesus. It totally dissolves it. Thanks for listening. Sorry for listening. And hey. That's a lot of balls.

So many balls. Everybody, go down to your local hobby shop and buy a shark's tooth and just put it in a glass of cum tonight. Have sweet shark tooth cum dreams. Oh my God, I'm sorry. You're not sorry. Thanks, America. He's the master of the evil in the...

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. in.