Nerd Poker - Episode 16 - Gulp

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

Chris Tallman returns, and before the great sea monster battle continues, Dan forces the crew to retroactively name their heroic group for the citizens of Boazor so that they may be remembered. But wh...en the action shifts back, things get dire fast. At least there's gigantic boat weapons to play with!

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 3. What's up, guys?
Starting point is 00:00:52 It's Rose Poussaint from Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. You are watching season 3. Episode 16. Yeah. And just so you know, this is not sponsored by Atari, but they should get the Atari flashback portable. It's amazing. Hey, he's an influencer.
Starting point is 00:01:11 Atari, if you are listening, we are open to sponsorship. And Russia, if you're listening, we'd like to get those emails. Why are you listening? Still waiting for the emails. Thanks, pal. Welcome. Also, play Minecraft. People do, right?
Starting point is 00:01:29 It's doing fine. Hey, everybody. As he said, I'm Brian Pessain. You're listening to Brian Pessain's Nerd Poker. All my friends are here. This week, we're all here. Yay. Chris.
Starting point is 00:01:44 Hello. Sarah. Hello. Ken. All are welcome. week. We're all here. Chris, Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine, and at the end of the table, Sam. Hello, Sam.
Starting point is 00:01:57 I would like to thank... Terry's a hit. I know we've moved to him. I see people online. People are shipping for Terry and and tick tock people love sam people have tick tock and terry tick tock and terry spin off oh and you missed it trying to get his kids back oh but you listen i listen chris you listened when we hung up the phone there was a new segment oh yeah dick tock dick tock with tick tock oh. Oh, I'm working with the producer. Brian shut that down hard.
Starting point is 00:02:26 He did, but the embers burn in my heart. Nonetheless, I want to thank not just listeners. I'll get to you in a second, but first people asked who this Spencer guy was, who's been building our stuff and it's come a few times. I should have thanked this gentleman long ago.
Starting point is 00:02:42 My name. This is a guy I of course met through Brian named Spencer Stander. He built our boat, which is a gorgeous work of art. And you can find his stuff. He builds a lot of little sets and stuff for D&D miniatures. His website is
Starting point is 00:02:57 spencerstanderart.com That's stander, like a guy who can't sit. And then Instagram slash spencer underscore standard thank you spencer he's one of the dads that roads the school and uh we met there super cool guy and uh plays his own game and heard that we were you know knew that we were doing this and asked to contribute and it's been awesome yeah he'll just email me be like what's next and i'll tell him and he will shockingly enthusiastically just build it yeah he's been awesome. Yeah, he'll just email me and be like, what's next? And I'll tell him and he will shockingly enthusiastically
Starting point is 00:03:26 just build it. Yeah, he's been parked out in front of my house for a couple of nights. This wasn't built for something else, this boat? No. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:03:33 I thought it was like our last prop because our ice prop we got because he had done like an ice castle adventure. He had extra ice stuff but he did build that for us. Or ice cave. I forget.
Starting point is 00:03:43 Ice castle, that would be. That's terrible. Physical bit. My favorite thing about the boat. The roses. She doesn't see the roses. I told him. Isn't that ice castles?
Starting point is 00:03:55 Let's take a look at this clip of Robbie Benson, a teen heartthrob from the late 70s, early 80s. Also, we have no headphones this week, so there will be a lot of Dan starting his sentences, and then you'll just never hear the back end of the sentence we're gonna try not to talk over each other uh as dm i love my precious headphones but um there is a figurehead on the front of this boat we talked a little bit about it and i mistakenly called it a masthead because i work at a magazine and i'm dumb uh and they have mastheads but the boat has a figurehead but as a figurehead with a little helmet that is a blobfish.
Starting point is 00:04:27 And we mentioned it, but he Spencer literally custom made a blobfish helmet for the cult that owned this boat before Vux, the bartender. So it is the ugliest figurehead a boat could have. And that was deliberate because I wanted this. If you went with this boat to be as ugly as possible now if you hadn't gone with this boat I wasn't going to explain what that was and we would just sort of take the sail off because the other option didn't have a sail
Starting point is 00:04:53 but yeah yeah yeah very silly stuff thank you Spencer and for listeners I would like to thank Roast Beef Dust Buster thank you Roast Beef Dust Buster I'd like to thank Roast Beef Dust Buster. Thank you, Roast Beef Dust Buster. I'd like to thank you for that, too. And we'll do one more.
Starting point is 00:05:14 Thanks, TikTok's Copper Clock Cock. Thank you, TikTok's Copper Clock Cock. Canon. Their avatar is a brass doorknob or a copper doorknob. Oh, nice. Leave something to the imagination. It is a knob. One more. We got to build you a bride with it
Starting point is 00:05:31 and do a knockers joke. I had to find one to live up to those last two. Or just find somebody named Dave or Sandy. Oh, you know what? I like the way you said that. Dave Talk. Thanks, Amanda Bird. Last time on Nerd Poker, our heroes got a boat named now Time Boat.
Starting point is 00:05:52 You were headed up north to find the Baron Barry Waxall Pezzlegag, the honorary Baron of Peppergreen. And along the way, some things got decided not only time but we are going to do a little flashback now everybody uh you see tiktok was given a scroll by sister briarlock at the temple of larue and we're gonna do a little loo a little loo do a little uh tiktok you were handed a scroll which i emailed you. You did? I would like you to... None of the other players have heard this yet. You would be so kind just to share this scroll with everybody else.
Starting point is 00:06:35 Mr. Warforged, unfortunately, your naming of our nameless familiar has caused quite a problem. You see, he was without identity. But in naming him Gus, he has attained some kind of personality and is now asking a lot of why questions. Frankly, it has ruined his usefulness as a task-based magical familiar. Below, you'll find a spell that will take some extra concentration, given that you do not possess a wizard's mind, you should study it for 24 hours total. But then, finally, you shall know this special spell that normally would not be allowed for one such as yourself.
Starting point is 00:07:20 Bracingly, Sister Briarlock. And beneath that is a little spell Called Find Familiar Hey, I'm getting a card You can't use it yet He named, for people who don't remember He named, when we walked in Accidentally
Starting point is 00:07:35 Yeah, he was like, what's your name? To like this weird little thing It was a little orange dragon Yes In the entry of Sister Briarlock's church And you named him, you said, can I call you Gus? Right. And it threw him a little bit.
Starting point is 00:07:49 And it made him no longer functional because he enjoyed being called Gus. And it caused some problems. So Sister Briarlock gave you this scroll. And she wasn't feeling too great about it. She didn't really like you. She was kind of like, I think, looking for it a little bit. She kind of gave you this very short explanation with the letter, just expecting you to read it on your own time.
Starting point is 00:08:08 To her, Gus was just sort of a lost cause. But for you, it is something that will unfold once you have spent more time studying this novel. Oh, I'm very excited about this. In addition, we're going to do one more flashback-y thing before we cut to the battle that we're in the middle of. You guys made quite a lot of contacts in Bozor, so I'm going to insist that before you leave the docks, which I know happened in the past, but before you have left the docks,
Starting point is 00:08:32 you would have told them what your group is called, which we forestalled a bit because Chris was not here. So I will now insist we decide upon before continuing with the action. How scenes dream teen. Teen dream. I don't know. The Beatles Junior.
Starting point is 00:08:57 Let's see. Sons of Funarchy. Wait. Sons and Daughters daughters I say the the Hal Linden fan club that would be easier because I've already got shirts made
Starting point is 00:09:11 how about the icicles because we came out of the frozen what yes or like some frozen ice fleers
Starting point is 00:09:20 yeah some frozen treats I do like a frozen fun how about the bomb pops as long as you always say it like that Yeah, some frozen treats. I do like a frozen pun. How about the bomb pops? As long as you always say it like that. This is momentous, so I encourage you to continue thinking about it.
Starting point is 00:09:35 Freezer treats? Freezer treats. Ice foxes? Oh, that sounds... Ice foxes. That's very feminine. Yeah, that sounds like a roller derby team. It does, yes. One of those things called in the Star Wars.
Starting point is 00:09:52 Yeah, they have an... They don't say it out loud. Crystal cave bears. The snowflakes. Snowflakes? Admiral Dogthread is chilly toes. And we're the toes. Snowflakes.
Starting point is 00:10:09 Don't talk about Brian's feet, please. No, I'm talking about Dogthor's feet. The Frostbite Five. Well, we could be. I don't think we're going to land on one. Yeah, we're not going to get one. I like Frostbite Five. Here's the thing. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it's what Bozor will know
Starting point is 00:10:25 you by. Dan, that's too long. You should have told us this before we started recording. Oh, well, you had, was it been a month
Starting point is 00:10:31 since we went through this in real time? You had that. I did confront you guys about it. What do we do? Guys, we conquer. Like, maybe we can
Starting point is 00:10:38 have a name about the beholder you slayed, maybe. Yeah. What was his name? Thagas. Thagas killers or over the shoulder beholder you slayed, maybe? Yeah, what was his name? Thogus. Thogus Killers? Over-the-shoulder beholder holders?
Starting point is 00:10:50 Guys, guys, guys. Yeah? Timeboat Club. Timeboat Club. Timeboat Club. Oh, Time Bandits. The Time Bandits. That's never been used.
Starting point is 00:11:02 It's brand new. I do like it as a name. Or supporters. Timeboaters. What about Timeboaters? The Ice Bandits. That's never been used. It's brand new. I do like it as a name. Or supportive. Time Loaders. What about the Ice Pirates? Oh, that'll probably get us in less trouble. What do you think? She likes Ice Pirates.
Starting point is 00:11:20 The copyrighted one. The chilly scallywags. All right, I'm going to set a 30 second timer, and then it's going to be what you guys tell Bozor. The copyrighted one. The chili scallywags. Alright, I'm going to set a 30 second timer and then it's going to be what you guys tell Bozor. I'm okay with ice pirates so far. That was my suggestion. I forbid you from using what the DM suggested. I like time boaters.
Starting point is 00:11:38 Time what? Time boaters? I didn't miss that one. Time boaters. Time boat club. Time boat club I like too. 10 seconds left Oh god
Starting point is 00:11:52 Or what's the other ice thing The ice cubes the ice what The ice cubes Time's up Frosty Frosty motherfuckers Ice pirates time. Frosty. Time. Frosty motherfuckers. Ice pirates, time bandits.
Starting point is 00:12:06 Yes, the Frostys. Ice timers. Frosty five? Frosty five. Ice bandits. The ice bandits. Yeah, because you're combining time pirates. But we're the good guys. Time bandits and ice pirates.
Starting point is 00:12:20 The good guys and ice pirates. Ice cops. The time cop. I got it again. Time cop. Yes. And then he can be Robocop. Time Cop. I got it again. Time Cop. Yes. And then he can be RoboCop. Yeah, but no Van Damme.
Starting point is 00:12:29 Ice Cops. Ice Cops. Snow Cops. Come on. What's a freeze? Ice Cops. What sounds better than that? That's amazing.
Starting point is 00:12:38 How about Ice? There's nothing. How about Ice? There's nothing negative associated. We can just be Ice? Ooh, Ice? Oh, I don't think we want to be just Ice. I'm going to go to the line. How about ice? There's nothing negative associated We can just be ice Oh ice? Oh I don't think we want to be just ice I'm going to go to the line I'm going to go to the line
Starting point is 00:12:52 Chris what's your vote? Say it For what? The name for the team I don't know I would like I think ice something Sarah Nice With an apostrophe N apostrophe.
Starting point is 00:13:07 An apostrophe I-C-E. We're already coming up with new ones. Or like somebody said Frosty Five. I think something like that. Icy Frost or Frosty Ices. Freezy Frosty Ices. The icy reception for all.
Starting point is 00:13:22 The freezy frosty icicles. How about Cold Club? Cold Club. Cold Club. Cold Players. Oh, God. No. Nickelodeon.
Starting point is 00:13:33 Can you think of one that's not 90% a band? No. Or 90% a movie. I had Freeze Force 5. Did you say Cold Cuts yet? Oh, Cold Cuts again. Cold Cuts. Fine, we're the Cold Cuts yet? Oh, Cold Cuts. Cold Cuts. Fine, we're the Cold Cuts.
Starting point is 00:13:47 Let's do it. Freeze Frosty... The Fossils. Freezer Burn. Oh, Freezer Burn. Freezer Burn? That's the name of our group? All right, here's my guess.
Starting point is 00:14:02 Raise your hand for... Vote for Frosty 5. Raise your hand for Frosty 5. Raise your hand for... Vote for Frosty5. Raise your hand for Frosty5. Raise your hand for Freezerburn. Raise your hand for IceCops. I'll vote for IceCops. Fuck yeah, I'll vote for IceCops. IceCops can't have two votes.
Starting point is 00:14:18 Three votes. It's got two of them. I want to hear the other ones. I forget what we're voting for. And then... People are going to either love this or hate this. And then the only other one I wrote down was
Starting point is 00:14:32 was it not Time Pirates. How about License to Chill? It's your team. No, that's right. Well, I love James Bond and Beastie Boys.
Starting point is 00:14:54 Can we... Ice Bandits. Let's pause and just speak for a moment off about... Chill the room. Can we just take a moment? Sure. Pause? Okay. Okay, are we back talking out loud now while we're recording?
Starting point is 00:15:09 I'm sure. How about Rosebud? We need that for a sled. Sorry, we solved nothing while we were gone. Sled Zeppelin. Ice pack. Sled Zeppelin's pretty good. They're playing Paladinos.
Starting point is 00:15:24 Wait, what was the one that came up with the thing? Sam suggested. Oh, Ice Team Sandwiches. I like that one. Raise your hand for Ice Team Sandwiches. Sure, I'll vote for that. Raise your hand for Sled Zeppelin. Ice Team Sandwiches is as close as we've gotten.
Starting point is 00:15:45 No, but still only got, like, what, two votes? Look, we have to tear up a bunch of paper and make a box with a slot in it. And we're never going back to Bozor, so we'll never hear this again. I mean, word will travel of your exploits outside of Bozor. How about the Frost Dragons? How about the Bozor Bozos? Yes, I like that. Frost Dragons. The Beholden?
Starting point is 00:16:02 Oh, but that makes it, yeah. Can you think of a pun for like, yeah, like holding and cold. The Beholden? Can you think of a pun for like holding and cold? The Beholden Caulfields? Too cold to behold! The Becolders. Yeah, then we're good. The Beholden Caulfields.
Starting point is 00:16:17 Too colder to beholder. The Colden? The Coldbergs. The Freehees. Wow. The Cold birds. Wow. The colders. Cold grumpy men. Ice five.
Starting point is 00:16:32 The William Beholdens. Ice force five. Ice five. And then we all. Ice five is pretty good. I like ice five. Ice five. Ice five.
Starting point is 00:16:43 We all sort of do like a Power Rangers where we all have our own thing beginning of every show. Offer Ice Five. Let's see hands. Is it too late to offer up Abolish Ice? It's closer. That's better.
Starting point is 00:16:54 Abolish Ice Five. That's really great. Terry brings up a horrible point. All right, offer Ice Five. Ice Five. Sure. All right, yeah, I'll take it. So here's what we have to do.
Starting point is 00:17:03 Here's what we have to do, you guys. Do you not love that one, Sarah? What's your favorite so far? We can change it. Sarah's not in. Ice five. Ow, my hand. Sarah shows nothing but reservation the entire time.
Starting point is 00:17:23 No, that was enthusiasm. Are you kidding? Sarah, legendary creator of Team Claw Treasure Talon. Team Talon. Team Talon. Treasure Claw Bears. Team Talon. I wasn't there for it, and so I butchered it.
Starting point is 00:17:34 But it had far more syllables than Ice 5, and I think that might be the problem. I think that was because we all pitched different things, and we landed on it. We may end up coming back to that. But for now, according to the citizens of Bozor, you are the Ice Five. Which I like because it's like a Kurt Vonnegut reference a little bit. But there could be an asterisk next to it.
Starting point is 00:17:55 And Hal Seen might come back and change it. Guys, I'm fine with Ice Five. I was a little disappointed with Blair Piao. All right, let's fight. People listening are like, there's two giant monsters. And on that note, we're back in the ocean. And a giant green tentacled monster
Starting point is 00:18:14 has boarded the back of your boat and it has scared poor Jonkel, the chef, down beneath in the, what do you call it? The hold? Yeah, the hold of the boat. The hold of the time boat.
Starting point is 00:18:26 The gallio of the time boat is now filled with a quivering jonkle as the monster approaches you from the other side. Point of order, a couple of things for combat, which we are now officially getting to. Four things. One, Blaine brought up the pertinent point somebody should decide who is holding the amulet of water breathing i believe i had it okay at that time then let's just be aware of that yeah because blaine brought up and it wasn't a question i heard answered uh he just
Starting point is 00:18:58 was making i think then we realized there's no way to make he was like in case you fall in the water make sure you have it and we all laughed about it because it's there's no um the other uh part two of four blaine you had mentioned casting moonbeam on this guy which you did um i had to do some research because moonbeam is a weird ass spell and the way it's described i found very confusing but basically you can it's like a spotlight that comes from the sky. I, I was imagining it was like coming out of your hands, like a, like a street fighter. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:27 I always thought, yeah, it's like a, it's a transporter beam kind of effect. It's yeah. It's like, it's as if you're being told. So it,
Starting point is 00:19:35 what it does is it comes down and you can move it, uh, 60 feet per turn per action. So the boat is moving. And as I told Brian, when he tried to cast darkness, the darkness would fly by and as such over six seconds your moonbeam is going about uh 80 feet like in those six seconds
Starting point is 00:19:55 into the distance so right now your moonbeam's like back here but for your turn you can move it back onto the frog hemoth but if you don't use your next action to do that, it's going to dissipate because it's going to get too far away. Now, let me ask you this, dungeon master. Yes. If I were casting that spell in a bus, would the darkness still be in the bus or would the moonbeam be in the bus while the bus was moving?
Starting point is 00:20:22 I'm going open air rules. So if you're in... It's not open air. It's a moving vehicle thing. If it would magically be... I would allow it if you were inside a vehicle, but you were on top of a vehicle, so to speak. Okay.
Starting point is 00:20:33 Too much wind and other distractions would keep you from concentrating your spell the way you would if you were indoors. Judge Invisible, what do you think? I'll allow it. All right. Well, Judge Invisible. If you went below deck i would i would
Starting point is 00:20:45 allow it okay um i would let the moonbeam pierce the ceiling uh and then uh ma this is just sort of a note thing uh won't be able to really she's not game to fight uh she has an axe but that's just the mini like she's she she doesn't she's not actively interested in combat so she's there to mostly help move the cannon and fire the cannon otherwise she is going to hold her action and then uh yep uh just talking about moonbeam uh just a reminder queep you'll encounter similar actions if you try to fly around it will be hard to keep up with the boat because of the weather well yeah because you're you're going at a pretty fast clip on this boat because you were trying to keep a traveling pace and outrun basically the giant monsters all right so that is going to bring us to uh i have that it's
Starting point is 00:21:45 Dargthur's turn. What you gonna do? Dun-dunt. Blame? Dun-dunt. Will I chew this skittle? Oh, uh, Brian chewing this skittle is brought to you by Charmin
Starting point is 00:22:00 Extra Strength and Diet Charmin Extra Strength. Clean it up. Diet style. Charmin Extra Strength. The newest development is that second monster just jumped on the front of the boat. It's already taken some
Starting point is 00:22:18 damage, hasn't it? Yeah, they've both taken damage. You hacked at the one at your back and that's the guy who ate the poisoned food that you tossed overboard. He looks pretty sick. It is true. Did you paint these, Dan? No, no, I did not paint these. These are pre-painted minis.
Starting point is 00:22:34 These are beautiful. I did get them for you guys, though. Oh. So it's like you painted them. For the Ice Five? For the Ice Five. Ice Five is going to love this. Ice Five! Yes the Ice Five. Ice Five is going to love this. Ice Five!
Starting point is 00:22:48 Yes, Darkthorn? I'm missing Bodhi in an invention like this. I don't know how I'm helpful. I'm trying to figure that out. Oh, you could run at that dude and chop at him with your sword, bro. Are you a fighter? Yeah, well, I do have the two-handed thing. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:02 He's a ranger. He just doesn't have a ranged weapon. You're missing a range. So really what you need is next stop, you should get a ranged weapon, and then you'll be a lot more. And then you'll be able to. Why did I not equip a.
Starting point is 00:23:14 I mean, we. Because I was going back and forth on what I was doing. We spent a lot of time trying to figure out what's fun about this Gloomstalker ranger guy and the abilities we didn't really cover. And I was distracted. I was looking at a bard at 1.2. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:28 And also, do you have two ranged weapons? Do I? Yeah. I want to say... I have things I can throw. Okay. I was just wondering, because your class is an archer,
Starting point is 00:23:39 so I wondered if you maybe had a second. I don't have a second bow, unfortunately. All right. Well, that's something I'll get into. I'm't have a second boat, unfortunately. Alright, well that's something we'll look into. I'm now starting a 30 second time. But I'm going to do a two-handed longsword and dagger piercing and slashing. Are you going to run up to
Starting point is 00:23:54 the guy at the front of the boat and do it? No. Isn't this guy about... He's not on the boat. He just got knocked off the boat. Okay, so yes. Eldritch Blast, or not Eldritch... Halcine cast a wind spell that knocked him off oh wasn't he helping so getting the cannon ready yeah you are getting the cat too where's the cannon i placed the mini right where the cannon would be the ballista oh this thing
Starting point is 00:24:16 right here yeah it looks like a harpoon gun but it's a cannon can we aim on this guy and shoot yes you can my turn yes you that would be more helpful doing that, because that's what I was... I think that's what I was trying to do the last episode. All right, so this is going to be a survival check, and you're going to roll it with advantage because Fegma is holding the cannon. Oh, cool.
Starting point is 00:24:37 And helping you aim it. You should shoot it in the face. Real low number, but I have... Remember, you have the amulet with a survival bonus on it. And I already have a plus five, and then what's on the amulet? Amulet gave you plus three to survival. Yep. Thank you, Chris.
Starting point is 00:24:53 So 11... Definitely write that down. You have an amulet with plus three to survival. Yeah. Would you like a pencil? And plus one to deception, right? Brian, looking for this brought to you by wood. 100% of trees agree.
Starting point is 00:25:09 Wood. What was the poll? You just mentioned it on the last episode. So, okay. They were asking some dentists a bunch of stuff. I just kind of worked in a bunch of other things. So your first one was definitely roll againish. You should definitely roll again. Sorry, Dan.
Starting point is 00:25:27 I apologize for talking over you as well. That reminds me of a long story that I... 18. That's a hit! Holy cow. This is fun. You just nailed this monster with a cannonball.
Starting point is 00:25:48 Did they drop it? You get to roll 5d6 plus 5. Who were you shooting at? This could be 10 damage or it could be catastrophic so in the back do you need more d6 have one of mine or his oh thanks for calling me pretty thank you Thank you. So five. 5d6 plus five. Wow. 8, 12, 21.
Starting point is 00:26:37 Right. So you plow right into his jaw and you knock him sideways. He falls out of view. So if you can push him he both goes underwater and gets pushed back. For now you can't see where he ended up. Cool. He got a cannonball in the face. I like it.
Starting point is 00:27:01 Thanks buddy. And that is going to be your turn. tiktok what you gonna do uh i will maybe i rolled a really high initiative for you last episode you're welcome thank you i'll move to a position kind of here and i will shoot uh an arrow at that guy okay my goal my plan is to make it an arcane arrow shot if I hit. Okay. Shit. Dan! I don't like the sound of that shit. That was a 14.
Starting point is 00:27:33 That's very negative. That is a hit. Oh, it is. These guys are so big. Thank God. And they're rubbery. Okay, so the arrow itself does 10 piercing, and then I'm using the, as an arcane archer, I'm using the bursting arrow.
Starting point is 00:27:53 After the arrow hits the creature, the target and anything else within it takes force damage. So seven points of force damage. Nice. So that's 17 total 17 total dan great you crack right into its guts and it stares at you that's your guts on the floor dumb dumb uh yeah i mean it like disappears into its body the arrow just kind of gets swallowed up by its flesh and a little bit of dark black blood kind of dribbles out of the slit where the arrow entered like in a wound way or yeah, yeah, okay way, but it's it's a little unsettling how it
Starting point is 00:28:31 basically absorbed the arrow. I mean, not in an unnatural way, but definitely in a this thing is enormous kind of way. I find that chilling. All right, I'm glad evocative. Hooray, Dr. Uid, you're up. I'm going to swing my flashlight back on. Y'all's moonbeams? Yeah, the moonbeam. And I'm also going to back away as quickly as I can to get out of this thing's range before I have to do anything stupid.
Starting point is 00:29:01 I would go ahead and scoot your guy where you want him. Is there some way to get that moonbeam and then get below decks? Because I took a pretty bad hit last time. You absolutely can run beneath deck. Roll your moonbeam damage as you go beneath deck. Okay. My moonbeam damage is...
Starting point is 00:29:17 Oh, my God. Three Stevie Nicks. It is... Thanks, Sam. I'll Venmo you some stuff. Oh, I also have some shrimp in the car if you want that. Dude, wait.
Starting point is 00:29:34 I'm so sorry. I want to do something really mean. Will you... I don't think you should. Will you do an intelligence check difficulty eight who all of us no just Blaine
Starting point is 00:29:49 difficulty eight meaning I have to get above eight and I'll tell you something that Dr. Uwud would know eleven you would know that if you drag the moonbeam to the front of the boat it's going to rake across everybody else on the surface of the boat after it hits him uh unless you have going to rake across everybody else on the surface of the boat after it hits him.
Starting point is 00:30:09 Unless you have a second action where you can move it off of him. Is there a way to swing it across him? Yes. And like out to sea? Yes, you can. Alright. See how I wanted to hurt everybody and I didn't do it? I like that you didn't not the first part
Starting point is 00:30:27 so 18 18 points and I'm diving below deck would you roll 15 I want to just remind the listener if Blaine ever rolls a one after casting magic, he suffers something very homebrew and special
Starting point is 00:30:50 and horrible that will happen. And he's not even sure what it is, but it's based off the fact that he is full of too much magic and tapping into the wild magic unleashes something that normally you might only see happen to a sorcerer, but will happen to Dr. Hood. My cup has too much sake.
Starting point is 00:31:06 No, listeners have been asking why he's been rolling an extra dice every time he casts, and occasionally he'll do it and he'll grunt and everyone will get real quiet for a second because you don't know what's happening, but I thought I would give you a little hint. I won't give away what will happen because I don't think even Blaine knows.
Starting point is 00:31:20 Do you turn into a werepig? I better. That would be cool. That's with the ambience. For Dread Ambush, you do have to sneak up on them or disengage and then jump on them. Dread Ambush, man. I thought it meant during... I'm going to have to look this up if we're going to have to.
Starting point is 00:31:39 During any attack action, I get an additional weapon attack that deals one extra 1dB. Alright, so it is now the turn of the frog Hemeth in the water. You do see his head bob up about here. That's right where he was.
Starting point is 00:32:00 Let's get him again. Next up we, oh, let's see. One second. one second what is he gonna do i think he's actually gonna try something yeah he's right up at the edge of the boat um all right i'm gonna have is going to do a strength saving throw. Uh-oh. Those may not be her specialty. She rolled a 17. Oh, that's good.
Starting point is 00:32:39 And then she has a bonus. So she dodges to the sides. You guys see this incredibly long pink tentacle-like tongue lash out and claws on the tongue just rake right past her head as she manages to move her body to the side and avoid it as it yanks back into the water. The tongue has claws? Yes.
Starting point is 00:33:03 Damn. Santa Claus. Halcine has claws? Yes. Damn. Santa Claus. Halcine, you're up. Okay. So my gust of wind was up to a minute. Is that minute ended? That minute is absolutely not ended. Okay, so.
Starting point is 00:33:22 You would know. Yeah, you would know that like. I'm not going to make you do an intelligence check. I was just trying to think. Yeah you would you would know well yeah you would know that like i'm not gonna make you do an intelligence check i was just trying to think yeah like you know like if he tries to jump back on the boat it's gonna be really hard for him um because it's still blowing in his direction he can get his tongue up there but to get his whole body up there that wind is still wondering whether i could like change you know the direct if i should change the direction to this guy i think that would definitely be an option that would occur to you. Yeah, okay, so that's what I'm going to do.
Starting point is 00:33:48 Okay. Yeah. Cool. So he has to make a saving throw of his own, right? I had blown him off of here, so I'm changing it to this guy. I mean, it says as a bonus action on each of your turns before the spell ends, you can change the direction in which the line blasts from you. Okay.
Starting point is 00:34:05 So I'd like to blast a line in the other direction that's cool yes I am however gonna have you do a wisdom savings throw why so I don't blast anyone off of the boat no but something similar to that can you guess
Starting point is 00:34:22 guess what he's standing next to. A cannon? A sail. Oh. Cool. Maybe I'll make us go faster. Wisdom saving throw, right?
Starting point is 00:34:41 Uh-huh. 11. Sweet. You feel like you missed the sail as you crack uh your wind into his face what is the saving can you remind me of what saving throw he's making it's a um strength saving throw right yeah strength uh he rolled a 26 fuck him does he take damage or like does he take force damage or does he take damage or like does he take
Starting point is 00:35:06 force damage or does he just brace himself and not move no it's just if he's in the line the strength saving keeps him from
Starting point is 00:35:12 being pushed away he must spend two feet of movement for every one foot it moves if he's trying to move towards
Starting point is 00:35:17 so his speed his movement speed is halved okay got it well it did something slow down motherfucker
Starting point is 00:35:24 I guess and you probably put some nice wind in these sails we're probably we're moving now only be able to get here doesn't seem like a good idea but he's very big
Starting point is 00:35:43 and that certainly gives him some options I don't like him negative two to Sarah's kindness I don't like him either Dr. Ephesians voice he says I don't like you either so
Starting point is 00:35:59 he is going to do something that seems awful familiar spiked on what's the most fun way to do this we're going to do something that seems awful familiar. Spike tongue. Yeah, what's the most fun way to do this? We're going to go one. Where he misses. One, two, three, four, five, and Hoshinka is six. Cool.
Starting point is 00:36:14 Hey, Brian, roll a six-sided dice. Oh, he's making you do it. It's your fault. He's killing them with their love. It's a two. That's very bad. I have so few hit points strength saving throw please hal seen do it do it do it um i'm gonna use my inspiration token for this all right i was admiring that again before the game
Starting point is 00:36:40 give me your token yeah you can keep the dice that was in it. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, so the first roll was a nine total. Oh, boy. Hey. 15. With your bonus? With my bonus? You're adding your saving their bonus to the roll?
Starting point is 00:37:01 Yeah. Okay, so you have unfortunately not met the 18 that is required. Oh, God. So, your Halcine is going to get pulled all the way up to the Froghemis. Uh-oh. He is now going to attempt to bite you. This may be it. That is a 15. What's your AC?
Starting point is 00:37:32 17. So he misses as he yanks towards you. But you are right in his face now. Like almost in his face. And you manage to, yeah, just, you know, brace your feet on the ground and lean away.
Starting point is 00:37:51 So can I use my reaction? Yes. When a creature within five feet that you can see hits you with an attack, I can use my reaction to cause the creature to make a dex saving throw. Uh-huh. And then it's gonna
Starting point is 00:38:05 fucking take some lightning or thunder damage. Oh, shit. Oh! Wrath of the storm. Dex saving throw, he got a 12. DC 13. You tried to make out with a thunderstorm, he gonna get shocked. I take... So it takes 14 points of lightning damage.
Starting point is 00:38:34 When you hit it with the lightning damage, something strange happens. It begins to shake. It starts to go like... It's gonna explode all over me. No, but it appears stunned. Oh, cool. So, Hoshink is up.
Starting point is 00:38:55 She is going to run over there and try to help you out. So can you put her right up in its face? Sort of in front of Queep? Okay. Hey, Blaine, can you do an ad while I check something? Have you been injured in an accident?
Starting point is 00:39:16 Call Barrel and Crate. Not affiliated with Crate and Barrel. Attorneys at law. Have you been injured in a remodeling accident? Have you been... Have zoning laws got you over barrel? Well, why don't you come on down and talk to us here at Barrel and Crate. No longer affiliated with Crate and Barrel.
Starting point is 00:39:38 Attorneys at law. Barrel and Crate. Attorneys at law. No longer affiliated with Barrel and Crate. Did you say no longer affiliated with barrel and crate you say no longer affiliated it's really there's a whole guy left and they still own the name it got weird so at one point they had their law offices in crate and barrel no they're not even no they're not even affiliated with crate and barrel at all you said no longer no they. They reached, I think, an amicable agreement
Starting point is 00:40:07 like in 1982 or something when Crate and Barrel first came over. Because I think there was... Surprisingly for a law firm, they're not very litigious. Very cool about stuff like that. They understood they reached a... There was no impasse.
Starting point is 00:40:26 So she swings and easily connects and it takes a ridiculous amount of slashing damage as she just kind of moulinades her sword, swings it behind her and brings it down on top of this thing. I thought I ordered this with no moulinades.
Starting point is 00:40:43 That will bring us to... So there's one on the ship and there's still one back here. Yes, at this point... This is the one that was poisoned. Ma looks at you, Darkthor, and says, what do you want to do with this cannon? Do you want to keep it pointed at this guy? Yeah, let's give him one more shot yeah all right uh i'm gonna go get another cannonball and she runs
Starting point is 00:41:11 to the front of the boat can you put her up kind of where the other cannon is except on your side blaine what she's yeah her put her about halfway up to the boat she's getting cannonballs right there yeah yeah yeah all yeah right I think that's the halfling who's actually below that's jonko should I put him below or you can put him in and dr. it would are both below just off the ship yeah yeah plain do you want to grab yourself every time he thinks about you he grabs his mini hmm creep you're up. Yes, I would like to plant a great axe
Starting point is 00:41:47 in the green thing's head. I'd sure like to see you try. I'm going to. This one here? Behind you? Back Queep up into that guy's face. Ten. That's unfortunately a miss. 10. That's... Unfortunately, Amos.
Starting point is 00:42:08 So we creep. Okay, Toddler Brian. Nerd Poker Babies, everybody. Nerd Poker Babies, they'll make our dreams come true. Alright, Darg3, you're up uh where's my friend
Starting point is 00:42:29 it's not your turn i just love what you said that joke wait do we have because this guy's shocked or stunned or something do we get any kind of any attack advantage or anything on that or um you guys he what what should i tell you his speed is reduced even more he's taking a penalty to AC that I'm keeping track of and he takes penalty to dexterity saving throws can't do multi attack and on it's turn he cannot do an action a bonus action or
Starting point is 00:42:56 bonus or I'm sorry he can either do an action or a bonus action but not both which is good wrath of the fucking storm he um he cannot uh basically uh grab you with his tongue and bite you
Starting point is 00:43:11 got it um is the the short way to think of it uh dark through uh how far away is uh his ma ma yeah she can either uh you can if you run to her you can help her get the cannonball halfway there and then on her next turn you'll get it all the way there and you can fire with her
Starting point is 00:43:32 or you can wait and try to do something else like slash at the other frog he myth and let her take two turns to get it over there and no i'm gonna run all right i think everybody's got that i'm focusing on this guy so you two get halfway there yeah you're now halfway between where she is now and she's and she's with you okay um is there a easier assist we can only carry one cannonball at once two people is that what you're telling me or uh you could grab one but you're if you're not helping her with it then it's gonna take you a lot like it's oh no you'll get you'll get to she has one in her hand so i'm going back to help her with that one okay well you could grab a separate one if you wanted it would just take longer to get them both
Starting point is 00:44:20 let's just do one at a time then okay matth guys uh tick tock you're up um i think upon oh god what would i do at this point uh i'm going to fire another arrow at uh the one that's already on board okay i'm tempted to he does have reduced ac and you guys I'm giving you this sort of freebie for shock susceptibility if he has a lower dexterity saving throw that means if you have any spells or actions that require
Starting point is 00:44:56 him to make a dex saving throw you would know that because he's shocked you would do it got it I don't unfortunately so that's a 15 to hit. That's a hit. Sweet. I'll roll.
Starting point is 00:45:09 Let's not that one. I'll roll. Three plus. Where's the bow? A seven piercing damage to that guy. Awesome. And I'll make this one my other arcane. It's called an enfeebling arrow okay so it does
Starting point is 00:45:26 that's not the one that affects a weapon is it it also if it does it causes damage and then also someone's has a weapon then they have to make a deck save otherwise they lose it but yeah so i'm just doing it for the damage sure sure oh that was three points Sweet. Totally worth it. Three pointer. Every little bit helps. Dr. Uwud, you're beneath deck with Jonkel. He is very nervous. He was not expecting to see sea monsters jump on the boat. He has never been at sea before. And so he's just kind of overwhelmed emotionally right now.
Starting point is 00:46:01 Wait, isn't he the cheese shop guy? Yeah. We picked him because he'd been at sea before. He knew how to preserve stuff, but he's never been at sea like this i mean he's like one of the students whose parents got them on the swim team exactly you picked you picked ma because she's operated cannons on a boat before but he's a little more green jonkel he lied on his resume not that much he's he he knows how to preserve food. The cheese won't go bad. He's never been on a boat where sea monsters are on deck, for sure. I haven't either.
Starting point is 00:46:31 I'm on a sea monster diet. If I see monsters, I eat them. He tells you he's been on trips to Poxus. He's done this job on supply ships where there's no monsters. And so the monsters are a new thing? Lucky us. Yeah, man. I don't know what to do about all this.
Starting point is 00:46:49 Is there any way for us to shoot something up into their soft, monstrous underbellies? Well, you did put poison on that food, and he ate it. I mean, we could try something like that again, but I feel like you'd be a little more suspicious. Do we have any other grenades on this ship? Is there anything, explosives or laser beams? Anything we could use to kill these giant frogs that are here?
Starting point is 00:47:12 You're asking the chef if there's a laser beam on board? I don't know. You probably have something crazy in the kitchen. He digs around and he's like, I mean, I got some knives. Okay, well. I have cooking knife. I don't mean to sound sarcastic. I'm just kind of perplexed about what we're doing here. That's what I need right now is a plus five whisk.
Starting point is 00:47:38 Do you want to do anything with this term? Basically, are you going to try to heal yourself with some good berries? Yeah, I'm going to eat a handful of good berries. Do it up. Roll your healing. That's a 10. All right, give yourself back that 10. Okay, good.
Starting point is 00:48:02 Thanks! I don't know who I'm thanking here. And that's... And we love boat cut to... Oh, I'm slamming my Diet Coke. It's now time for Froghemoth number one.
Starting point is 00:48:18 Boo! He's been checking it out and he decides he's going to scoot and jump up here Damn it We are bookended by frog hemoths Isn't he afraid of ice five? Hey, Queep, strength saving throw, please Ice five!
Starting point is 00:48:37 Ice five! Strength saving throw, Queep Oh my god, what happened? I feel like I kind of have a Brexit remorse. I still would have gone with Timeboat Club. Timeboat Club is good. Alright, you get yanked right into his face. No!
Starting point is 00:48:55 Doesn't he get an ice five bonus? Terrible roll. Plus 25. It's a 25 to hit. It's a 25 to hit. That's a hit. Yeah? Yeah. Alright, so... This will be interesting. uh plus 25 it's a 25 to hit it's 25 to hit that's a hit yeah yeah all right so this will be interesting first queep you're gonna take
Starting point is 00:49:15 13 points of damage um i don't like it and then another 28 points uh you guys i'll see queep disappear into the mouth of this frog hemis what you have now been devoured what you are inside this thing's stomach queep as things quickly become slippery and deeply purple colored and slimy you get yanked with this clawed uh tongue down it's esophagus the tongue releases you and you become you know able to move your arms and legs but you feel the muscles of the inside of this frog hemis constricting around you holy shit greatep, you're basically off the boat. Why are you on the boat? Whose turn is it next?
Starting point is 00:50:15 It is Halcine. Cool. Oh, God. So I was going to push this guy off the boat, but that feels like a bad move now, right? No! Maybe you're sick of queep. Um, so... Do we cut his belly
Starting point is 00:50:30 open? He's in the stomach for the record of the one on the back of the boat. Yeah, and he's still... The thing is still on the boat, correct? It sure is. He used all his movement to get on the boat, but he might be full now. Unnecessary.
Starting point is 00:50:49 Okay. You can tell when the dungeon master is the only one who laughs at a joke that everybody's a little bit worried. Uh-oh. Yeah, I'm genuinely unsure. Or the joke was shitty and it was his. No.
Starting point is 00:51:02 Okay. Do I have a sense of, for example, like if I injured this thing with a spell, do I think that him being inside it that he would be also harmed? Or would...
Starting point is 00:51:17 Do an intelligence check. Excuse me. See if you can do it with slightly less vigor. Eleven. Let's see uh gotta get out there's the door doors get in get out doors you would know that there is a chance, yes, that he will take damage. You would also know with that
Starting point is 00:51:49 check that the one that swallowed him is in worst shape of the two. Health-wise? Older doesn't take care of itself. It was a writer.
Starting point is 00:52:04 I have to hope that it's a writer to get you out of there than it is to I'm not going to cut my way out but the way I've been rolling yeah I mean I just I'm just going to have to cross my fingers I guess
Starting point is 00:52:22 I don't know. I really don't have any. Okay, this is very dull. I'm sorry. But I just feel like I'm going to hurt somebody, and that's not what I want to do. It's a moral quandary. Starting a 30-second timer.
Starting point is 00:52:38 No, no, no. I'm going to touch this thing with my hands, and I'm going to inflict wounds on it. Oh, shit. All right. That's a spell attack roll, right? It is a
Starting point is 00:52:49 melee range touch. Melee spell attack, yes. Okay. Let's see it. 16. That's a hit. Nice your damage takes 3d 10 i'm very excited to see this number
Starting point is 00:53:23 17 all right 17. All right. You go ahead and place your hand on it, and it just racks with pain. He manages to keep Queep down, unfortunately, and he's not quite dead, but he's looking really rough. Time for the other frog he-mits turn. No. Wait.
Starting point is 00:53:52 Whoa! Yes. Are they both within five feet of me? Yes. Okay, so it says that I have a bonus action, that it's if I take the attack action on your turn, you can use a bonus action to try to shove. Now it just says to try to shove a creature within five feet of you with your shield. So it doesn't say anything about it needing to be the creature that I attacked specifically.
Starting point is 00:54:17 Okay. If that's fine with you, then I would like- You can try, but it's going to be a significant strength check because this thing is huge. Literally, it's a huge monstrosity. Oh, I see. Okay. Well, I mean, why not? It's my bonus action.
Starting point is 00:54:38 Go for it. Roll a strength check. Never know. Never know. Never know. You might roll a 11. That'll do it. Against which one? This guy, because I don't want to push him off.
Starting point is 00:54:56 Right, right, right. He kind of goes, and he doesn't do anything. He's stunned. Yeah, yeah. So you were one away from shoving him, basically. All right. Made me feel better time for uh the let's see yeah it's time for the frog he myth with uh with with ken in his belly to take a turn if i'm not mistaken i may die right now wait again no he's no wait that was how scene did a reaction so I got thrown off. It's Hoshinka's turn.
Starting point is 00:55:27 She is going to stab at this thing's asshole. So... Specifically? That's weird. I like that. She's got a thing about it. I mean, yeah. Everybody's got their style
Starting point is 00:55:37 if that's her thing. Well, you really look like for an opening. She swings and misses, unfortunately. Boo. Ma and Dargthur, you get back to the cannon
Starting point is 00:55:49 with the cannonball. Shit, but I'm not going to fire a cannonball and whip Queep inside there. No, but you can load both of you there. And you'll be close enough to attack the guy on the back of the boat. You're close enough for that one. So if one of you two can move your two
Starting point is 00:56:04 minis at the cannon at the back of the boat. You're close enough for that one. So if one of you two can move your two minis at the cannon at the back of the boat. Both of them. These guys? Yeah, yeah. So now you're heading back this way? And Ma is just hanging out next to you. And turning on which one? On the other one.
Starting point is 00:56:17 That guy's close enough for you to hit. They're within five feet of each other. Well, no. The one over there, because of where he's positioned, is too far away. You can get the one in the back. The one that's got you in his tummy. Yeah, but I don't want to do that because it's got Cannon in his tummy.
Starting point is 00:56:31 Wouldn't that be bad to hit it with a cannonball? Yeah. If you hit it with a cannonball, you would be smart enough to know that it would potentially knock it off and kill Queeb. But you do think you might be able to slash at it would potentially knock it off and kill Kweeb. But you do think
Starting point is 00:56:46 you might be able to slash at it without hurting Kweeb. Well, I'm going to try to release him by slashing at his belly. Go for it. Roll to attack. Tickle that tummy. With your stab you device. That one's not a hit.
Starting point is 00:57:08 A 10, right? That's a miss, yes. Not much better. 11. Nope, that's another miss. All right. TikTok, you're up. TikTok sees what Darkthir is doing and goes,
Starting point is 00:57:27 Yes, that is the thing. We must free the cuckoo bird. So I grab my axe, and I'm going to slash at its belly, same as Darkthir. That is a 17. That's a hit. Hey, Queep,
Starting point is 00:57:44 do a dexterity saving throw with disadvantage. I don't care for that. Two. Six. All right. So you're going to take half of whatever this is. The beast will take full. It's not that bad. It is
Starting point is 00:58:07 five points of slashing. I rolled real bad. Okay. I'm going to action surge. You take two points of damage. I'm going to action surge and as I'm doing it, I'm going like, Back up, birdie! I'm going again! And I action surge and swing at him one more time. Okay.
Starting point is 00:58:25 That is a 16. It's a hit. Cool. Roll another dex check. Yes. Disadvantage. Yeah, that was a big old fail. I don't care what your bonus was.
Starting point is 00:58:39 That was a two. Oh, all right. Eight points of damage on that one. All right, so another four for you. I'm sorry. Nine. Nine points of damage. all right. Eight points of damage on that one. All right, so another four for you. I'm sorry, nine. Nine points of damage. So not quite enough to disturb this thing.
Starting point is 00:58:52 No red feathers peeking out? No, for now. But it is looking messed up. This is an ugly-ass looking monster right now. Dr. Uwud, been hanging out with jonkel for a while uh this thing is still right above us right yeah and you're below deck uh is there any way i'll give you that you're right behind the door and you can pop up if you want is there a way to is there a way to get uh like to out uh in a different part of the ship
Starting point is 00:59:25 to get behind these things? Yeah, you think so. Based on what you know from when you last saw. Then I'm going to... Sorry, pop it back in the boat. It's dead. I got it. Queep, do a dexterity saving throw
Starting point is 00:59:39 for being in the stomach of the monster that fell off the boat. Okay, I'm going to pop up up here. Oh, hey, I'm up here. Your moonbeam is gone, by the way, because you let it dissipate. That's all right. I guess that is going to be my move. I don't really... You're not going to take a ranged attack?
Starting point is 00:59:58 You can do that. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know what? Then I'm going to do... Your moonbeam dissipating doesn't take an action. It's just the spell was lost while you hid, basically. Okay, I'm going to do... Your moonbeam dissipating doesn't take an action. It's just the spell was lost while you hid, basically. Okay, I'm going to do the Eldritch Blast
Starting point is 01:00:10 kind of thing. Just in case that falls. You do think an Eldritch Blast might knock this thing on top of your friends. Oh, no, no. I don't. Wait. Sorry. I was thinking of Blackie Green. I don't know if you have... Remember Blackie Green? If you're subscribed to the bonus episodes... What was his charisma, Blaine?
Starting point is 01:00:27 It slips my mind right now. Blaine just played Blackie Green on the bonus episodes for April. I don't know if you like that character at all. Do you like our Patreon? I sure hope you do. Yeah, that'd be cool. What are you going to do, Blaine? I'm starting a timer on you.
Starting point is 01:00:42 You know what? I'm just going to get up close to this thing. What are you going to do, Blaine? I'm starting to timer on you. You know what? I'm just going to get kind of up close to this thing and... What are you going to do, Blaine? I was going to get my flame blade out and just sort of move... Go for it. Move into position, so... Oh, okay. I want to make sure this thing isn't going to hit me again.
Starting point is 01:01:01 Okay. You definitely don't have its attention. I'm definitely reticent. You do not have its attention. I'm definitely reticent. You do not have its attention. However, it is the turn of the guy with the full tummy. Boom. Now, he is going to try a little something called Swallow Halcine. A little tenderness.
Starting point is 01:01:24 Hey, Halcine. A little tenderness. What did you want? I'm over there. Hey, Halcine. Strength saving throw, please. Oh, hey. The same one? I thought he was full. He might be, I said. Hey, Brian, ask me who I saw at Palladino's this weekend.
Starting point is 01:01:41 Who'd you see at Palladino's this weekend, boy? Jerry Lewis in the nose. 21. Oh, so he lashes you with his tongue and you just fucking knock it off. Resist. He is going, however, to try to hit you with a tentacle also.
Starting point is 01:02:02 19. Fire away. Yeah. He gets multi-attack sorry he's not a nice person I wouldn't hang out with him I'm telling you as your dad everybody don't don't know I'd like to hang out fud fuckers just the hottest fucking hamburgers fud fuckers. Just the hottest fucking hamburgers. Fud fuckers. Check us out. So he reels back a tentacle after missing with his tongue and just absolutely smashes it across your face. You take 23 points of damage.
Starting point is 01:02:40 Oh, no. Are you down? Yes. Like a lot? All right. That's zero. It's not an effect with like half damage or anything, right? That was just like a hit.
Starting point is 01:02:51 He's not the stunned guy. No, I just meant like it wasn't an effect that he would like. I have an invasion. It was a melee weapon attack. It was just an attack. Yeah. And I go uncomfortably. All right. Oh, boy. Let's find out. And I go unconscious. All right.
Starting point is 01:03:05 Oh, boy. Dead? Let's find out. Do I see this? You sure do. Okay. It would be Halcine's turn next. So let's do a death saving throw.
Starting point is 01:03:19 Oh, man. My HP is zero. Yep. Do I have to do a death saving throw at zero? Zero hit points, yes. Exactly at zero. I thought it was as soon as I went below. All right. So I need My HP is zero. Yep. Do I have to do a death saving throw at zero? Zero hit points, yes. Exactly at zero? I thought it was as soon as I went below. Nope.
Starting point is 01:03:28 So I need to get to zero. I haven't done it. Pray for no ones. What am I doing? If it's over a 10, that's a score in the one column. You're trying to best a five. 10. One saving throw succeeded.
Starting point is 01:03:46 That's a goodie. But you're still unconscious. All right. The one with an empty tummy is now going to try to swallow Halcine's unconscious body. No! It automatically succeeds. unconscious body. No!
Starting point is 01:04:04 It automatically succeeds. So she is now in this thing's stomach. If you'd rolled one less, I would have done Wrath of the Storm on this guy and he'd be dead. And this would be going. So just one point less damage, Dan.
Starting point is 01:04:18 Just to be clear. How dare you. Hoshinka's up. I mean, she hit this guy. He looks like shit. All right. So Hashinka plunges her sword. Which one? Deep into the one in the back.
Starting point is 01:04:42 I'm going to need a dex. The Halcyon Swallower? Check with disadvantage from you, Queep. Boy, that's Halcyon. That's Queep. Back one in the back. I'm going to need a dex check with disadvantage from you, Queep. That's Hellsing, that's Queep. Back one's Queep. Six. Alright, you take an additional seven points of damage,
Starting point is 01:04:58 Queep. So 14 on the thing? So he gets half? And this thing slumps into a pile and makes a deep groaning noise as it flops over uh that's your chance to get out of it you feel them you feel the muscles around you uh tighten suddenly and then relax and i'm going to climb the fuck out of here uh first unfortunately uh you are going to take some acid damage.
Starting point is 01:05:28 Brown acid damage? Yeah. I know a couple of dudes. Five points of acid damage. High school in the 80s was rough, you guys. I'm thinking about taking some acid damage at Bikini Kill next weekend. You are in this thing's belly. So...
Starting point is 01:05:50 It's okay, Queep. I hear that the acid makes you smell great. Do a strength saving throw, Queep. Eleven. You manage to slash with your axe and explode out of this thing's stomach, spilling acid all over the deck of the ship.
Starting point is 01:06:22 Can you make a Kool-Aid, guys? Would you say he did an axe body spray? What does Queep say as he emerges from his axe body spray? I am Carcalla back! Alright. Great.
Starting point is 01:06:48 It sounded like he had some reflux. Flux, flux, flux. Let's get the mini of the frog hemophilia out of there, but there is a giant corpse. Let's leave it. Can you tip it on its side? I don't know if it'll stay. Maybe not. He's caught on the sail. Maybe he won't, but I like the idea
Starting point is 01:07:04 that he's still an obstacle and I want to remind you. Yeah you can put queep back ass up queep how many hit points do you have left some hey queep you know what you should do can you can you uh listeners would kick him off the ship just kick him off into the water uh all right so you guys all see Queep emerge, and the other frog, Hemeth, kind of like turns and looks, and he licks his lips. He's still hungry, and that's where we're going to end the episode. God damn. A lot of lighthearted banter while I'm dead inside the frog.
Starting point is 01:07:37 We're going to help you. We're going to help you. We're going to get you out of this. Don't you worry about it. We'll get you out of that stomach. Your next character is going to be great. Ken, you escaped. You know that thing is dead, right? help you get yeah, don't you worry about it? Yeah, that's going to be great. Can you just you're you're you're you escaped? You know that thing is dead, right?
Starting point is 01:07:50 Yeah, I hey, Sam, what do you think happened? Well, if you're just tuning in now, let me explain to you what happened this episode naming things with this group is very funny. I'm very concerned that queep won't be able to fly with the boat.
Starting point is 01:08:07 The Admiral cannonballed someone in the face and then tick-tock arrowed somebody in the belly. Dr. Ud is using a moonbeam as a weapon because even the moon is a weapon in this game because this game rules. Sarah slowed someone down, which was very helpful. Blaine's sea monster joke really got me. And someone ate a bird. Sarah used pain hands and the Admiral tried to rescue canon mist and then someone tried to eat Sarah
Starting point is 01:08:31 and she said no thank you and I got slashed in the face and got eaten anyway. And then the axe body spray joke really got me. Yeah, it's a great one. Any anything you want to plug Dan? Hey, come see my shows and don't be mad at me for killing sarah that's it uh and uh please support us on patreon we've got a whole new uh what would you call it uh tears tears yeah for fears yeah we we have a bunch of new ways to subscribe. I just posted info so you can roll a thudge fairy like Gago
Starting point is 01:09:08 and play him in Dungeons & Dragons. So that's if you're a Patreon at the Stargoyle $10 a month level. So that's waiting for you. And then we're at that D&D event. Oh, my gosh. In the middle of May, right? We're going to live stream our first ever Twitch thing with cameras that aren't my laptop.
Starting point is 01:09:26 So we've done one Twitch thing. It'll be on D&D's channel, and we'll rebroadcast it from ours. They're going to give us a video, and it's on May 19th. You know, Desi Arnaz really invented the three-camera D&D shoot. He doesn't really credit it. There's going to be a couple of us there hanging out at the live thing beforehand. We're going to hang out and shake your hand or something. I'll bring a whole bunch of Purell.
Starting point is 01:09:49 And then merch at NearMint. NearMintMerch.com slash NerdPoker. What's the newest thing we have up there? I think it's been a while. We've still got a couple of hex chests from Elderwood Academy. Did we ever do shirts with Season 3? No, we didn't yet.
Starting point is 01:10:05 Not yet. No. But those are coming. Yeah, they're coming. All right. We also have a special edition Dodge Challenger. Check out the Nerd Poker Challenger at your Dodge showroom. Thanks for listening.
Starting point is 01:10:21 Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.

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