Nerd Poker - Episode 19 - The Bowels of the Mists Erupt

Episode Date: August 23, 2017

As our heroes approach the final leg of their spooooooky journey through Misery's Halo, they encounter a flurry of horrors. And yes, one of the horrors is Goggo's attempts to engage in melee combat. Warning: The episode includes a string of some of the most insane rolls in Nerd Poker history. Will our heroes emerge from the mists unscathed? Will Tom become a were-steed? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 19. episode 19. We've got Ken and

Blaine. I never receive a receipt or a bag. Oh my god, you've been refunded all your money. Speaking of that, thank you to the following Patreon supporters. Thank you, Patrick Arnold. Patrick Arnold is the best. Thank you, Nathan following Patreon supporters. Thank you, Patrick Arnold. Patrick Arnold is the best.

Thank you, Nathan Plunkett. I feel bad that Chachi burned him down. Thank you to The Lost Sailor. The Lost Sailor is the best. Thank you to Stéphane Vienno. Stéphane Vienno is the best. You think that's Stefan? Maybe Stefan?

Stefano is the best. You do have a gentleman's avatar. Jack Stefan. Thank you, Tim Zermecki. Zermecki. Not a real name and you're the best. Thank you, Matthew T. Zenner. Matthew T. is thanks.

You're the best. And thank you, Matthew T. Zenner. Matthew T. is thanks. You're the best. And thank you, Tanner. Thanks, Tanner. You were great in Bad News Bears. You're the best. Shut up, you booger-eating moron. Boy, he sure is one. It's me, Walter Matthau.

Blaine eats so many boogers. And his name is Walter Matthau. If I could eat boogers, I'd never leave. No, I get it. He wouldn't be the target product. Oh, my God. Hi, everybody. What happened in episode 18?

You guys fought off a specter that had descended from the front. My short-term memory is shot. I thought it was Smirsh. He screwed up Tom real good by smacking him around and doing some necrotic damage to him, I believe. Necrotic damage. I'm going to lay a little cure wounds on him, and I'm also going to do a little song of rest on him.

That'll bump you back up to 20 for max and current health. But you need a real proper rest. You need a full rest because this guy screwed you up. With what? Necrotic dagger. Specter hands. I don't know why black metal vocalists aren't coughing all the time,

because whenever I do that, I can do... Well, they get vocal notes. Yeah, I know. What are they called? The nodes? I can do those voices, like Cookie Monster and black metal voices, but then I start coughing. You know the Norse invented lozenges.

That is true. Rico-va! It's all the licorice. I thought Jerry Lewis invented lozenges. Lozenges! Lozenges! Hey, Bodhi.

Yes? You just realized that you fell on your bum bum and that you have someone strapped to your back. Oh, shit. You mean earlier? Uh-huh. Last episode. Oh, yeah. You fell 20 feet, landed on

the ground. Have we not heard from Shmoo lately? Not a little while. Hey, Shmoo, how you doing back there? This is like a hot car situation, isn't it? Oh, no. Brian's hot back. Five seconds go by, and then you hear a blip.

Oh, good. You hear a... Blaine, will you do me a favor and roll your 20 and tell me what happens with your wisdom bonus? With my wisdom bonus? Your modifier, anyway. I rolled a 20. Oh. You hear very clearly, I'm fine.

Okay. Nice. You're going to make your way down Through this fog The steeds still seem to know where they're going somehow Can Ken get a heal? Yeah he's taking care of Your song of healing

And as you guys Rearrange your rope Do you want to sing another song? As you How do we avoid these flying assholes? It's harder to avoid high up on these steeds. I mean, you're going to lose time if you have them

shrink down. So you got to kind of... That's the only real adjustment you can make. Lower yourself farther down towards the ground. Because you get the feeling these things are whipping past about 20 feet off the ground. Or, I'm sorry, they're whipping past about 20 feet off the ground. Okay. Right.

Or, I'm sorry, they're whipping past about 40 feet off the ground and you're 20 feet up. Just tell Gago not to fuck with me. Yeah, maybe do what... Well, Gago, you know... Do what pilots do when they have turbulence. He's like, man, I can't believe those fucking things didn't see us sooner. I swear, I was just a couple feet above your head when it saw me. Let's drop 1,000 feet and try to avoid the turbulence. Sure, sure.

See if we can find another path. You say something and they adjust and they get about 10 feet off the ground as well as 20 feet off the ground. Cool. You do notice your pace slows significantly when you ask them to make their legs come down. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. nothing happens nothing happens if anything happens

a human appears in front of you a male and he says actually let me see which one is this which human sees you so he says actually let me see which one is this which human sees you so he says

finally finally quickly follow me follow me where are we wait this guy got molested at the mall oh god he says you're in the mountain pass quickly follow me you're only safe if you follow me uh hey does anybody uh have some yeah yeah yeah

does he look ghostly at all you can't quite tell you haven't quite been able to tell uh with the others the only reason you immediately suspected that they were spectral in nature was once you sort of got out of visual range they didn't reappear like you feel like they could have chased you down a little you would have heard them calling but you would sort of got out of visual range, they didn't reappear. Like you feel like they could have chased you down although you would have heard them calling, but you would sort of disappear into the mist and then become silent. So you feel like they were reabsorbed somehow. Who are you?

My name is Jared. Listen. Time to rattle off all the Jareds you know let's not well where are we what do you want you're in the mountain pass I'm trying to save your lives quickly quickly he motions off to the left I don't know anybody trust him or

anybody trust anything yeah I don't trust anything. Yeah, I don't trust anything either. He's running alongside you. Please, please, you have to believe me. This is the only way you're going to make it. I'm going to fly. I'm just going to strum a little thing. I'm just going to start just flying in case I don't want to need my steed at all.

Sure. That way I can zip around and not be concerned. He's still chasing you guys. Yep. Calling out. We're not headed that way. Why would we go this way?

He says, you can't keep going like this. You have to come with me. Nope. I'm trying to save you. Who are you? From what? My name's Jared. Why are you trying to save us? There's an encampment. You have to believe me. Encampment? Encampment of what?

We have an encampment in the mountains. You have to come find us. I'll take you there. No. Oh, it's like some ghost yeah yeah fuck you you managed to lose him into the mist

although you do hear as he disappears in the mist he's calling in the distance come back come back what a creep nope keep going disappears in the mist. He's calling in the distance. Come back, come back. What a creep. Nope. Keep going. Alright.

Do the deer creatures sense anything about him? Every time someone's appeared, they've just avoided. They've kind of like swung their legs, dashed back and forth to the side. We give up this guy. Yeah. legs dashed back and forth to the side and we give with this guy yeah um you hear um some noises off to the right what kind of noises uh it sounds like a rock slide okay a small but noisy rock slide nothing fatal just sort of like

do you hear anything like whoa no voices no organic sounds keep trotting along you hear it again he's sort of like he's shadowing us You hear it again. He's going like that. He's shadowing us.

This guy? Oh, okay. It's Jawas. Yeah, but wouldn't a ghost not knock things around? No. Maybe it's a poltergeist.

I like this thing. Can anybody see this thing nope are we still in pea soup yes sir can you see what's going on based on the map you think you're going to be in pea soup for kind of a while it's kind of yellow down the 405 and then it turns green towards the airport. Hey, I think not only is there a pea soup going on, but now I'm invisible. Isn't that crazy? I've actually been doing a little bit of

research. I think you have to pick if you're invisible or flying because you're a bard. Then I'll just stay in the fog. You gonna keep flying? We don't want glasses, I just realized. We do! Sam doesn't.

We have glasses. Sam's gonna go get his glasses so he can join the club. Poindexter. Alright. Alright. You're more rocks. I hate that. I don't know what it is. I hate that. I don't know what it is, and I hate it.

Hey, Sam's got glasses. Oh, and he's got the thick frames like everybody else. We're a bunch of fucking nerds. We don't ever have no sex. Most of us are married. Oh, and we still have sex. I get married to stop having sex. God, wasn't it a relief

when you found out you could stop having sex? What a goddamn load off. Thank you. You hear what sounds like a trotting noise off to the right. Heavier steps than a human. Okay. Okay.

Sort of like... Okay. Is it a panther? A big dorky horse is chasing us. Okay. What are we doing? No reaction? You tell me what you're doing.

I'm asking these guys. We're just continuing on. Yeah, I don't care about this thing. All right. If that's the case alright we're going to do that again we definitely couldn't see it even nope

we can stop and see if it stops okay stop do you? sure you stop? yes the trotting stops. Hey, what's that sound? I'm going to do these rolls again based off this new information. You see something approaching at a quick rate through the fog.

You feel like you've got a minute to prep. Arrow notched. Something emerges. It looks like it's large. It's about seven feet tall. It's got a big

beak. It's got long hooked arms. It's covered in thorns. It's got no hair, no feathers. It's got leathery, purplish flesh. Is it attacking? It screams a loud bird-like noise

and gallops towards the three of you. Okay. All right. Initiative? Everybody roll a 20. 15. initiative everybody roll a 20 15 8 oh yeah sorry 7

plus 4 tell me what those were again 7 8 15 I think it was 8 ok cool so it's going to be Blaine Bodie

you this guy got actually a 10 so he's going to go after... Can we take a quick break? Let's take a quick break! We're back. So, a thing is galloping towards you. You are still on your steeds.

You've rolled for initiative, but you're 10 feet off the ground. This thing's about 7 feet tall, and it is rushing you. I'm jumping off my steed. Or I'm going to time it. Yeah? Hell yeah. I'm going to wait until he's close, and then I'm going to jump off and fucking Roman

Reigns him in the face. Superman punch him. Or stab or something. Tweet your the face. Superman punch him. Or stab or something. Tweet your up first. Superman stab him. I have a little... I don't know. I guess it would be sunshine on a cloud of daggers day.

Roll them dagger damage. All right. I have... This thing is... 8d4. I love it. Oops. That's a lot of D4s.

It's 2. 6. 12. Damn. That's such a fun spell. Sorry, everyone. 12 damn that's such a fun spell 17 wow so you throw a whole bunch of daggers at this thing

and they go click click click click into it's body and it goes and keeps keeps rushing it barrels waving it's arms And keeps rushing. It barrels through you guys. Waving its arms. Oh, fudge.

You won't like that one. So, I'm gonna divvy this up. It's a big guy. Long arms. I did not get up. What the hell happened? Okay. guy. Long arms. I did not get up. What the hell happened? Okay.

Neither of us did. We're still on our steeds. Oh yeah. Brian. Bodhi. Bodhi, excuse me. It just misses you because you haven't jumped off your steed yet, but it takes a swing at you and misses. Also takes a swing at Twee and connects with his steed

for a significant amount of damage. with his steed for a significant amount of damage. It also takes a swing at Tom's steed and does a massive amount of damage. You are up, Bodhi. It is right underneath you. I'm jumping off it and I'm stabbing its face, head, and neck area or whatever I can get as I jump down. Go for it. And I'm raging, I jump down. Go for it. And I'm raging.

I would imagine. I hope so. It's the only way to go. Rage! Oh, weak. Rage! Hopefully I get more than one. Rage! Yay! That'll work. Sweet.

17? No, 18. that'll work sweet 17 18 yeah okay and then oh nice that's the best I've rolled oh fuck yeah yeah yeah

16 16 points will you do me a favor and just roll a dex check difficulty 5? Yeah, you kneel. So you jump down, land on your feet, but as you come down, you do a double slash right across this thing's back

and it tumbles off to the side. You knock it off its feet. Oh, good. So this thing is semi-incapacitated for the short term as you are up, Tom. Oh, wait, it's incapacitated?

Yeah, well, I mean, it can't... Right, but I don't get another... Okay, cool. But I can't get another turn to finish it. Because my steam was attacked, has it dropped me, or is it... No, but it dropped me? No, but it is starting to buck.

I'm jumping off. Okay. Do a dex check of five for me. You might even get an automatic because you've got really high dex, right? So, yeah, you notice as you land that its legs have big gashes across them. All right, I will short sort it. Go for it. Okay.

Oh, I need to do that attack too. 18. All right, that is four. Three points. Nice. Three points? Three points of shortage. Great. So you stab it, and a little tiny fellow the size of an apple floats down

and begins to stab this thing in the tummy. Oh, Gago? Gago. Gago does three points of damage. Three points of damage. This guy is trying to scramble to his feet as Tui is up again. I'm going to drop a vial of oil on his head, and then I'm going to light him up with a firebolt spell.

I wish you would do that. Do it. It's going to be flame on. All right. Do me a favor and roll 2d6, please. I'd rather not. 2d6. How about 9? How would that be?

A huge after effect happens. So you drop the fireball on him. Do the regular roll you would do. My regular roll for damage would have fire fire the ball with the thing and hold on. And I'm looking with the nice lady

and the fire. Hey, while Blaine does that, I wanted to thank everybody who came to my Largo show a couple weeks ago now. But that was a blast. Karen and Dana and Blaine. Greg Proops. It was my 30th anniversary in comedy.

I plugged it on this show and we had a great crowd. It was a lot of fun. I heard actually Karen talked about that show on her podcast. Oh, she did. Oh, wow. I've got to listen to that. Her show's amazing. Yeah.

She was so funny, and just everybody killed. It was such a fun night. How much damage there, Blaine? Nine. So you blast it, and as you blast it, flame shoots across its whole body as the oil lights up. This thing

... Oh, no. Tries the oil lights up. This thing tries to run away and instead falls on its face. Uh-huh. Wow. As it falls on its face, wow

as it falls on its face oh wow that is really fucking funny it botched and then it rolled a 99 did it like stab itself in the face like I did that once in an old game remember wasn't it so it's got these long hook arms it lands on

its elbow and drives one of its hooks across its own jesus uh spilling intestines on the ground it's not dead but uh it manages to then yeah what's that 20 tell us what that 20 says another one oh my god I saw double botch up in front it barrels away like a horse with its intestines on fire

behind it so it looks like just like you know bunting is on fire just waving in the breeze. Oh, Jesus. On fire. And it rolled, no, a 96. God damn it. So this time.

That asshole has some shitty luck. It trips again and bashes its face. Did it trip over its intestines? Yeah, yeah. And bashes its face. Did it trip over its intestines? Yeah, yeah. It smashes its face on the ground.

And you see about 20 feet away in the fog. You've never seen this far into the fog before. Just this smoldering fireball. Nice. Just buried in the ground halfway. Just like burning. Good. Whistling. Fuck you.

Keep moving. I can't believe that thing double botched its escape. That was pretty... That was amazing. It's dead? Is it dead? It's definitely dead. It's super dead. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. As you try to get back on your horse, Tom, your steed kind of is limping. I guess I'll cut it open and sleep inside it. I get the reference. How do they smell on the inside? Pretty good. Like potpourri.

Like fairy pee. You managed to get on it, but it's not too happy with you. I think. Can we heal it? Oh, yeah. That's a thought instead of just stabbing it, right? Tell me how much healing you would have to do for a plane.

Any horror movies? Anything recently? War of the Planet of the Apes is really good. Oh, well, not horror, but yeah, I didn't see that. That's really good. I just watched a horror movie again. Did you watch The Void? I know everybody likes The Void. I haven't seen The Void yet.

It looks like The Thing. But it's like, ah, yeah. The Thing, man. That's one of my all-time favorites, and it was on in San Francisco in a hotel room, and I didn't want to leave. I had to go to my mom's house, and it came on, and I was like, well, I'm going to be late.

23 points of health? It's so good. So as you cast it, you notice it doesn't exactly work. This thing is undead. And so it kind of heals over, like the blood stops dripping out of its wound, but it keeps glistening

and it keeps limping and you get the sense that you kind of cauterized it but there's something else it needs fair enough blood it's possible that that's what it needs

I'm not kidding I'm going to give it some of my blood oh really what are you going to give it some of my blood. Really? What are you going to do? Cut my hand open. Wait, now it has a taste for human hands. What are you going to use? I don't have to eat directly from my hand.

What are you going to use? To cut it or to... I'm going to use one of my daggers. gonna use? To cut it or to... I'm gonna use one of my daggers. And then I will... Pardon me while I'm

taking a look at your sheet. Open your... I'm looking for survival. You get a plus one. That's not as good. Are these things like vamps? Oh, okay. Well, yeah, everybody else is.

Do a survival or dex check. You want to do dex, I guess, because it's a huge bonus. With difficulty of an eight. Oh, you did? Great. You managed to get it cut open. but with difficulty of an 8 oh you did great you managed to get it cut open

like Jenny Wright in Near Dark where you start to lose consciousness as you cut it open it sees what you're doing it figures it out when you say it it immediately shrinks down and goes for it but I don't want it to eat from my hand. Look, it licks

your hand. Oh, it's like dead Bambi. It heals seven points. And then on the second lick, it seals off your wound. Oh, that's nice.

Thanks. You're welcome. You freaky. It stares blankly at you. You're still freaky. Barris is fucked up, man. Yeah. I'm going to shut my laptop because it's low on juice and I can use my phone.

So you can hop back on. You're going to shut my laptop because it's low on juice and I can use my phone so you can hop back on you're going to head out right you're going to so you start getting through the mist and you hear more noises off to the side you definitely feel like you're being trailed but also

you feel like the mist might be thinning out a little bit. That's good. It is good. However, you hear some noises above you. It sounds like wings flapping.

Are those other assholes, though? Hmm? Well, right now you just hear a noise. You're not sure if it is another asshole, so to speak. Well... Yeah, but the thing that attacked Ken didn't have wings. That was some sort of... That was some kind of spectral...

Yeah, spectral figure. This sounds like a... All right. Dragons. Just dragons. Holy shit, did you see that? Oh, I didn't see this week. Oh yeah, I did.

Yeah, this week's was insane. The last week's Game of Thrones. It was fucking great. That dragon thing. It was maybe my favorite episode. It was pretty... Yeah, it was the biggest battle they've ever done. It's what most people have been waiting for. Yeah, it was like... It was pretty, yeah, it was the biggest battle they've ever done. It's what most people have been waiting for.

Yeah, it was like. Did you see the Better Call Saul where he used his breath weapon? It was insane. No, that was like a Lord of the Rings style battle. Like a huge, you know. Yeah, it was really cool. And I can't believe that the guy got his hand cut off. I don't know if anybody's talking about it, but the thing,

I don't even want to say the character name, but when that person pulls a mask off of Mission Impossible style, it was really ridiculous to me. I thought the whole school of that was that you could change your appearance. Right. But pulling a mask off... Yeah.

I was like, what? That was like... That was weird. It's me, Ed Sheeran. I use my suspension of disbelief, Kent. No. No. I usually do, and that was just too much. Yeah. I tripped over that, too.

It was weird because of the body dimensions. Yeah, yeah. That was the biggest thing. I could have imagined that he was short, but you have to imagine it. If it was just changed from one face to the other in front of your eyes, that would have been fine. Pulling a physical mask out is weird. Yeah, it felt

like it didn't fit. It felt contemporary too. Yeah, I know what you mean. Right. It felt like this is to quicken the plot as opposed to this is a move that they would do. Sure.

Whitebecks mask. It's supposed to be his skin. They've got some... They used some kind of necromancy to get the whole face off. There's that whole hall of faces at that one point that are magically preserved. Make it weird and bloody or something something that right now it just felt weird so what are you guys gonna do

you hear some noises above you some noises to the side here we are stuck in each other wait what did we hear to the side uh more rock noises. Another one of those creatures? Maybe. Another owl? Owl? Whatever they're called? Owlbear? Would you say keep moving? Yeah.

I think so. Once we get out of the fog, then we'll be able to see better. Gago offers to scout ahead and see if the mist ends. Okay, Gago. to scout ahead and see if the mist ends okay Gago go Gago go he disappears into the mist

we continue you hear something land behind you it seems like the thing that was flying overhead has landed and you now hear noises behind you. It seems like the thing that was flying overhead has landed and you now hear noises behind you, trailing you. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Who landed? Somebody's behind it? The thing that was flapping? And now it's walking behind us? A 1920s flapper landed. And all of a sudden, from behind, Gago appears. He says he just did a loop.

He went ahead and then he went back. And he said, yeah, it's not much farther now. We're almost out of the mists. But hurry. There's something behind you. Let's... Oh! Those things aren't above us anymore, right?

He doesn't think so. Oh, but you don't have a fully functional... You originally figured out there was something above you when Blaine casted Detect Evil, so you don't have to do that again. Let's try to go up 20 feet again because that moves faster, right?

Let's tell the steeds to pick it up a notch. Sure. You immediately increase your speed. You hear the sound of something behind you increasing its speed. And it sounds like it's getting a little closer. Okay, keep going. All right. Okay, keep going. Drop some oil and burn it behind your back.

As the sound gets closer and closer, you start to hear just lots of crackling and popping noises on the ground as this thing is barreling towards you. Did you just say you're going to do something, Ken? Whoever is in back, I was saying you should drop some oil and burn light on a fire. Okay. Who is in back? I think it you should drop some oil and burn light on a fire. Okay. Who is in back? I think it's Tweed. I'm not sure.

Yeah, I'm flying. I can go straight up and then drop it down. Drop it like it's hot, the fire. Hey, Blaine. Will you roll 210 for me in the fashion of 100? Why not? Two tens in the fashion of 100.

13. You pop open your oil and realize you don't have a whole lot left sure you have some left it's more than like 13% but it's low

and you realize you spent most of it back in the woods when you created a barrier between you and the house. Are there a bunch of this thing coming at us or whatever? It's like another owl bear? You're not sure what it is, but it sounds a little bigger than the last thing you fought.

Oh no. Like it's wider than the last thing, just based off the sounds. It's wider. the last thing just based off the sounds wider Leon's getting much well I'm just going to I'm going to hit a firebolt

into it anyway just straight behind you first roll a 20 please how about a 10 I'll take it roll for damage with minus 2. Actually, no, minus 4 because you're firing blind.

Fireball? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was going to hit it almost for sure. The thing is pretty wide, like I said. 11? Well, there's some damage. Let me chart that real quick. You hear a loud crunch behind you.

It fell down. It fell down. No scream. Still making noise like it's tailing you. It fell down. Kind of just want to jump off my horse and kill it. But I also want to wait till we're out of the fog. Yeah, let's find it in the clearing.

What you gonna, what you gonna do? I'm getting itchy. Um, let's keep moving though. Still moving. Still moving. Uh,

Blaine, you can fire off another shot now if you want. Watch this. Five. Don't watch that. Don't watch that. Watch this. One step to be owned. You're another crunch noise.

uh suddenly ahead of you you see uh flat rocky plains okay cool starting to open up um and uh the noise doesn't let up behind okay um as soon as i'm clear i'm dismount well no you start to break free i'm not gonna just and dismount. And you see behind you a drake. It is sort of like a serpent-type snake creature. It's got wings. It's got four legs. It's wingspan is like maybe 30 feet. Oh, Jesus. It's really long and thin, but it's got big wings,

and it's skeletal. So this is... Undead break. Yeah. Okay. And it is coming at you, like your steeds are moving. Is that from Dead Grossy? Your steeds are moving at like a solid, you know,

25 miles an hour. This thing is moving the same speed so it's right behind us yeah and how tall is it it's about uh am i above it it's about uh eight feet tall so i'm above it uh yes so if i was to slow down i I could jump onto it. Potentially. Okay, I'm going to do that. Hey, Bodhi. It's going to be extreme. You need to roll a dex check.

Okay. Now, to pull this off, you're going to have to tell your plans to the... Well, you might want to tell your plans to the steed. I whisper to my steed tell your plans to the steed it slows down I'm gonna jump onto this asshole behind me you trot off and I'm gonna kill it so okay

as it slows down suddenly this thing you break off from Tui and Tom you had about like you know uh 40 foot lead on this thing and suddenly it's 30 feet good suddenly it's 20 feet uh-huh suddenly you're only 10 feet in front of this thing all right now you need to roll rage you begin to rage

do you have an athletic type bonus or no you have athletics 4 bonus so that's better than your dexterity so I'm going to let you roll your athletics plus 4 but this is a difficulty

of 12 that you're even going to like land in an advantageous way okay oh yeah that'd be nice ampersand

so you begin to descend right behind this thing's head. Just did a triple Lindy. Yeah, you do a fucking triple Lindy. Brian just rolled a 20, you guys. So you land right sort of behind a nectro. You landed twice.

But that's my dex and not my attack. Right. So it even tries to, as it sees you, whip its body up and grab you out of the air, but it misses and you hit its vertebra. I'm going to need you now, though, to do one more dex check just to hold on as this thing tries to buck. Difficulty of just eight.

Yeah, so you hit it just barely. Now you can roll to attack. Okay. Come on. Holy shit. Wow. That was nice.

I like this big guy. Another fucking 20, you guys. Working nice for me. Of all the times you could have used one, too. Yeah, that was good. How are you fucking doing this? They're not a sponsor, but they make some nice stuff. Oh, yeah.

We should give a shout out to Wormwood Gaming. If you want, they made a custom tray for Brian. It says, I'm going to live forever, Bodhi. Yeah, engraved in the tray. It's engraved. gaming if you if you want uh they they made a custom tray for brian and uh it says i'm gonna live forever bode on it yeah engraved in the tray um but if you if you if you like it you should definitely mention uh if you want to buy some wormwood shit you should mention us in like the comment or something like yeah i'll actually take a picture of this yeah yeah we'll post a picture of it uh i know i know that uh if if you were to say buy a wormwood dice tray and mention us it would greatly increase the chance that they would become a sponsor cool yeah oh should we do

our should we do our actual sponsor before oh let's do it at the end of the episode i'll remember yeah yeah yeah um so uh through a series of amazing feats, Bodhi, uh, does a fucking flip off of his steed lands behind this thing's neck, crashes his sword into this thing's bony skull. And what happens, uh, next we're about to find out, uh, please,

uh, he's taking pictures of his, his role. He's so happy. Uh, yeah, this is a, this is a pretty big monster that you're about to

fuck up royally, so please tell us how. You're raging, you roll the 20. You're raging, you roll the 20, and you just did some fucking evil kenevil shit onto this thing's neck. Right. But is that a critical?

Yeah. Oh, you know what um roll 100 too okay i've i've been getting made fun of on twitter for not letting you guys use my crit table and i made a crit table for you Is it right there? Because you're going to do a special damage in addition to your regular double damage. So before you do your double damage on your double swing. Do I roll another attack though? First roll 100. Because you're going to do something special with this damage

okay so this is going to have a permanent effect on its mobility so now roll your damage 9 no 11

ok is that with your bonus to undead because this thing is very undead ok and why don't you roll to attack a second time ok because you're going to go hack hack and why don't you roll to attack a second time. Okay.

Because you're going to go hack, hack. 15. That's another hit. Finding anything interesting in your research over there, Mr. Kapach? No, I would like to mention our sponsor that we're brought to you by Elderly Gap. Fall into the Elderly Gap. Hopefully when there's a relative nearby.

What's your second round? 14? Yeah. Jesus. Okay, so you do a swing swing and you take a chip out of this thing's vertebra and it starts to skid against the ground. It bends halfway over. Why is that leaving marks?

Do another dex check real quick, Bodhi. And then we're going to roll some more initiative here. Yeah, you pass. This thing skids against the ground. Do you want to try

to hold on you maintain control I'm not going anywhere cool so yeah you grip onto this thing I don't know if you've met Bodhi Bodhi's a little extreme Tui and Tom you see this thing

bend over sideways as it gets hacked in the neck and it starts skidding against the ground. It's wing bending underneath it. It starts to slow down. You guys are going to wheel around and go after it. Then roll to attack, please. Roll. Roll for initiative.

17. What you got from swing? Oh. 17. Oh, minus plus 4 go ahead go for it Tom 6

what are you trying to do sword ok so you're going to hop off your seat you're going to try and stay mounted and have it shrink its legs the second one short sword So you're going to hop off your steed. You're going to try and stay mounted and have it shrink its legs. The second one. Okay.

Short sword. And that's a six? Yeah. So that's a miss. You can't get close enough and swing and hit it without your steed kind of tripping over this thing. So you kind of get as close as you can. You swing and you miss. You're up to it.

Firebolt. Please show me how it goes. 13. Hell yeah. So that goes bang, bang into this thing's head. Yeah, yeah. Gago also wants to get in there. Oh, Gago. He takes his wand out.

And he does something really weird. He spins the wand around, jabs it in this thing's face, and a bunch of sparkles start appearing all over this thing's head. And you're not sure what spell he just cast.

But you... start appearing all over this thing's head and you're not sure what spell he just cast. This thing is missing an attack because you rolled a critical against the back of its head. It misses its turn and you are up, Bodhi. Okay. I'm going to stab it again. Go for it.

17. That's a hit. Oh, man. It's still... Yeah, you take another nick out of it for sure. Yeah, eight. Tom? I ate two little firebolt

in there. Anybody watching Animal Kingdom? Did I bring this up before? No. I like that show. You know the movie? It was an Australian movie a couple years ago. The show... I'm not sure what network it's on

originally. Oh, actually, I got it off network. Yeah. What were you doing with that? Was that magic? I want to make sure because it has resistances to certain things. But they're like point break guys.

They do extreme sports and then they do capers and shit. So they're robbing banks and like Ellen Barkin's the mom. It's worth watching. But still a cool show. Tweet, you're up. 18. Of fire damage? Yeah.

It goes kapow into its head. More like kapatch. Kapatch? Fucking nerd. But yeah, you guys are really smashing into this thing. It tries to, you're a little bit closer because you tried to do a drive-by

and it manages to get on its feet. And it takes a running dive at you. It actually jumps. So I'm going to need you to do a dex check. I was just going to say, I'm still on top of it, right?

Difficulty 12. Okay. Uh. Okay. So, no. Roll. That's not a botch. No, but you lose your grip. So please roll a six. Okay.

And if you roll a four or above, that's the damage you take. If you roll a one, two, three, you manage to do a roll. So five damage as you try to roll off. And as you do, Shmoo is okay. He takes zero damage. But this thing tries to take a big bite out of you tom and as it does uh it can't get its jaw closed it goes and it's got locked jaw i don't know why uh you think it might be the spell that gago cast oh okay on this thing's head.

It seems to have lost its sterity and its jaw joints. Wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Am I up? I can't remember. I think. Yeah, I think I am.

Fireball. Yes, yes, you are up. I'm going to shoot an arrow plus two damage into its mouth. Or try to. Oops. Oh wait, no. You just went and then it went after you. I think Bodhi's up. Yeah, you're right.

Sorry about that. That's alright. Retcon, retcon. It's a retcon song. Nothing you heard actually happened. Nothing is real. Santa's not real. Tooth Fairy's not real. You. Nothing you heard actually happened. Nothing is real. Santa's not real. Tooth fairy's not real. You were adopted.

And you're gay. I was adopted, but I'm not gay. I'm going to stab. No, you're gay. Okay, I'm gay. 13. 13? No, that's a miss.

Actually, no. That would be... Yeah. It is a 13. That is a miss actually no that would be yeah it is a 13 that is a miss okay you're up 7 yeah hit it again um this thing is not slowing down but you have

done a lot of damage to it uh just for a very vague uh reference you are up Tom um You have done a lot of damage to it. Just for a very vague reference. You are up, Tom. Oh, let me shoot that arrow into its mouth. Cool. Although, no, I wouldn't still be raging from when I landed on it, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would. You rage landed on it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would. You rage for the encounter, don't you? Okay, yeah. If you're firing an arrow, the difficulty is actually pretty high. It has an armor class bonus because it's skeletal. You can't get an easy hit. That's why I'm shooting at its mouth. But I have a plus two damage on the arrow.

That's why I was doing it. Okay. But that's not a hit it. But that's not a hit. No, that's not a hit. It actually hits it, but doesn't really do anything. Should I roll my second attack now? I didn't do one.

You haven't done any yet, right? This thing tries to claw at you and it rolled a 20. Oh, Jesus. Who? At me? Yes. Okay.

Okay. 16 and 15 Jesus so it digs some foot long claws into you what is your armor

your armor absorbs some of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you take 21 points of damage. Oh, Jesus. As this thing kind of knocks you back. Now I'm pissed off. Because it gets its claws right in your armor

and it knocks you back as it pierces a couple of joints. Okay. Now you're up. Okay. Well, now I get two attacks. You sure do. Okay. Yeah.

Ooh. What? Whiff whiff. That sucks. Hey, Twee. I'm going to do a thunder wave on this thing. I'm going to see if I can kind of stay, aim it towards the part that he's not on. I'm not on it anymore.

He's not, but he's close. If you cast a thunder wave, he's going to have to do some kind of roll to not get knocked back. It's a 15 foot cube. Yeah. Is there a way that I can do it from above? Is it a cube coming out faster? If you're flying?

Yeah. You can come down on it, but it's probably going to... It'll reduce the chance that it hits him, but it could still hit him. He's going to have to try to roll the... You know what? I'm just going to have to try to roll the... Do what you got to do. You know what? I'm just going to do another

couple of fire bolts at it. Fire bolts have been pretty successful on this thing. 16. Okay. And it did not like that. It is looking at you. My hands are getting hot. What's up? My hands are getting hot. We're approaching an hour.

This might take a little more than five minutes to kill, but you're getting closer. Okay, well, let's keep going. If you want to ride it out, things are getting interesting. If we go a little over, we'll go over. Wish you would try. Nice. Suddenly loses interest in twee.

Before you go, this guy gets to go, and so does Gago. So Gago goes in there with knives blazing and can't connect this thing is moving too fast it goes towards tom that's a hit and does can i see your armor real quick? That's okay, but not much.

It does nine points of damage. As it hits you with a claw. It is trying desperately to move its mouth and it can't quite do it, but you see it making some progress. At least it can't bite do it but you see it making some progress you're up that's Bodhi who's up you guys he's got a

big old sword oh fuck ladies and gentlemen makes me happy he rolls his third 20 of the episode wow yeah remember how i said this might take more than five minutes roll 60 oh and then do i do no no first roll 100 you get on the crit Come on go high come on 82 ooh

All right, this thing is gonna have its senses affected Turk roll for damage, and I'll tell you how bad I don't know six twelve alright so you do twelve damage and it starts sort of snapping back and forth like it's disoriented

as you come down right in the middle of its head with your sword swing again won't you yeah please all right cool that's a hit 20 again well not not a critical 20 but yeah all right and then just roll oh by the way did you give me your undead bonus on that last i did okay I did. Okay. Yeah.

And. Jesus. That's another. 13. Fuck. All right. It is super pissed off and it is. Somebody finish it.

Yeah. You're up, Twee. Get it, Twee. Get it, Twee. Just going to keep going. Those are pretty. Three. Definitely got toasted a little bit, but yeah, you're up, Tom. Okay. Okay.

I'm going to make sure a dog's not it doesn't work I'm doing a pee check it's undead you're gonna just make it sure a dog's not peeing in the okay this is what it sounds like when you check and see if there's pee pee Mavis

doesn't pee, you guys. She's an angel. Oh, man. She is all over Brian's crotch and just bouncing. Oh, boy. Oh, man. What a happy dog. She's not when I'm not here.

Mel says she gets depressed. She's your familiar man She fucking Pets She likes you Yes You're up Tom My sleep was shit

Oh that's right you cast a spell that did not work Well you couldn't keep that So now I do Well not against this particular undead. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. I see. Gago manages to get a little bit of stabby stabs in, and this guy, ooh, and he does five damage. You guys, that's Mavis breathing,

not Ken. Aw. But that is Ken l Mavis breathing, not Ken. But that is Ken licking my hand. Sorry. Ken, just ask first. This thing is gonna, it's basically blind. It doesn't have eyes.

So it takes a four and it tries to claw Bodhi and misses Bodhi. You are up. Okay. Kill that thing. Lay down, baby. Lay down.

Take him out. Yeah. I'm going to just swipe at him again. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah, that's 14. No. Wait. Yes.

No, I don't have it right yet. Okay, cool. Go for it. Damn. All right. Eight plus. That's 14. Oh, no, I'm not raging plus. That's 14. Oh, no, I'm not raging.

So it's 12. Okay. Or am I still? Yeah. Yeah, you're still raging. You get one more. So 14. Sorry, listeners, that I get so fucking confused on what.

That's got to drive people crazy. What was it? Yes. That's got to drive people crazy. What was it? Yes, that's an 18. Yeah, so you bash this thing in the head a couple of times. It's starting to make a screeching noise. It's trying to fly. There's another 12 on it. It's starting to look really shaky.

All its bones seem to be moving in opposite directions, but it's starting to fly away. God, somebody fucking finished this thing. What do you want to do? Is he still too close?

He's close. Do you want me to get out of the way? No, don't. I'll use a turn and get out of the way? No, don't. Just do it. I'll use a turn and get out of the way. Three. God damn it. Sorry, my hands are getting really hot.

Your fireball hits it, and it just goes clang into its face. You hear a loud metallic crashing noise as the fireball hits it, and its bones fly everywhere at a very high rate everybody please do a dex check with a difficulty of 15. i'm flying right uh you do one difficulty 10. you got a five right plus what oh you just rolled under it oh you go under

he has to try to get higher than a 15 yeah 11 you're good uh so that's just six. You take a rib from this thing across the side of the head for four points of damage.

Bodhi, not you. You take two points of damage as one of its teeth grazes your arm. Who took the rib, Ken? Ken to the side of the head. He's pretty fucked up. I need some healing.

Some sexual healing. But this thing... I'll give you a little shot, too. This thing is smote upon the mountain. Nice. Well, we should call episode 19, I think. We should, but before we run off... Oh, yeah, yeah.

One more big shout-out to Elderwood Academy, who... Love their stuff. Yeah, great stuff. All of us are using their stuff. It's really fucking cool. The Dice Tower is fucking awesome. You hear that?

You can't hear that. That's my dice from the inside. Yeah, they make really cool stuff. We're happy to have them part of the show, man. You want all the classic class of your grandma's attic without any of the terrible smells? Get yourself some Elderwood Academy. Handcrafted wood and metal buckles

for people who like physical objects instead of just the ones dancing in their dreams. Call it out. Get a Babadook. It's been fun. Thank you for listening. I don't really have anything else. Follow us on Patreon. We're so close.

By the time this airs, we might actually have 1,000 Patreons, but we'll have to come up with new things. And then 2,000 gold will be crazy, whatever that is. Brian will come to your house and put your genitals Wait, their genitals?

Or I'll put my own genitals. Yeah, you can make like a thing where they have to wash their genitals. I'll get my manager involved. Dave Rath If I wash my genitals, I'm going to relieve the house. Ohft. If I can wash my genitals, I can really leave the house. Oh, so you don't wash your genitals. Thanks for listening.

Sorry. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening You're not alone