Nerd Poker - Episode 23 - Warchild Ritual

Episode Date: September 20, 2017

And so the legend goes that one fateful evening, after carrying their friend Shmoo across the dismal plains, he was renamed Warchild. What happened next was a flurry of dark choices. Will Warchild survive? Will our heroes? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey everyone, it's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 23. Episode 23 brought to you by the likes of Steve. Well wait let's say hi to everybody first. I'm not ready for that. He's right across from me. Hi friend. Hello how do you do? My name is Kim. And then it's me That would be you. It's me, Dan.

All right. My timing's off now. I apologize. And then... No, it's me, Dan. I like that, Dan. And then my oldest friend in the room. Oh, it's hi, Sam. Sam, everybody.

Sam, our engineer. Sam Wise. He's coming this way helping us with the ring. Throw it back into the volcano. Actually, we have to throw it back into the walk-cano down on third. What? One ring. To rule them all, that's all.

Oh, okay. You both did tandem Lord of the Rings jokes. Sure. It happens. Thank you also to i don't know a lot about jr tolkien but i did stay at a tandem express last can you just do tolkien jokes like like non-stop during one episode just like go into like a riff spiral so now uh thank you steveuca, one of our Patreons. He's nice.

Thanks, Steve. Thanks. Thanks, Steve. Thanks, Steve. While we're at it, thanks, Cameron Shiner. Thanks, Cameron. Thanks for shining it. And hey, you know what?

As long as we're shining it up, say thank you very much to Critter DJ. Critter DJ? It's spelled exactly like it sounds. I'm Critter DJ. I am what I play. Thanks, Critter DJ. It's spelled exactly like it sounds. I'm Critter DJ. I am what I play. Thanks, Critter DJ. Thank you, Stacy Dunkerley. Stacy.

Thank you very much. And thank you, VDark. Thanks, VDark. VDark. VDark is for very. There's a mixture of people's real names and what's clearly like a Twitter handle style. I think they're all fake. Yeah.

They're all made up. Well, they're all changing. I can't imagine anyone doing such a thing. Here's something I should say. I'm friends with the original Darth Vader 420. As someone who listens

to the Patreon episodes of the Star Wars Minute podcast, what some people will do if they do not want their real full name on theirs, they'll go in and change it. You guys, if you are a patreon and you are not enjoying the fact that i'm saying some last names just head into patreon and edit your username there's a lot of people in here with some otherwise we're gonna out you fake ass names well i don't wanna i don't want people other people

that pay five dollars a month to listen to a bunch of jackasses playing D&D to know that I also pay $5 a month. Wait a minute. Like 30 of these say Brian Posehn. No, I'm saying that's me as the listener who doesn't want my name read. That's their logic. I figure that's like one in 200 people. Right, right, yeah. That being said, we also want to thank our new subscriber, DB Cooper.

Because the odds of somebody being on the run and then one of the other listeners being a guy that's looking for somebody that's on the run, pretty slim. How great would it be if our podcast was on My Favorite Murderer Life? Catches a murderer. Yeah, to catches a murderer, everyone's doing a TV show.

No, I mean, yeah. The show Catches a Murderer, catch as a murderer No I mean The show Catch as a murderer Here comes a murderer It's a great show On the Lifetime channel Murder times jamboree That was my favorite It's always murdery in Philadelphia Welcome back, listeners.

I bet you can't wait for us to shut the fuck up. Murder from the sun. Murder she murdered. A big cliffhanger last week. Grandpa Sleepy's murder time detective agency. Murder Dowling's Mysteries. Murder Dowling's Mysteries. Murder can wait.

Barney murder. McMillan and dead wife. Murder gnosis murder. I'm in DM mode too much. I can't fucking pull a joke. Murder trick. Unsolved murders. It's like unsolved mysteries, except it's unsolved just the murder part.

60 murder mysteries. just the murder part. 60 murder mysteries. Just the murder episodes. It's called un-murdered mysteries. Murder in the family. Law and order. Murder units. Alf. I tried to watch it again.

It was murder. What's happened last episode we ended as I said on quite a cliffhanger 22 you guys went on a bit of a side quest in an effort to endear yourselves to some local wood elves we're on the big mission to kill the Demolith hoping the wood elves will help you

travel across the continent to find some allies you broke into the heart of Morgathal The lost city A giant, lumbering, mountain-sized Tree creature that had once been We're not easy and we think we might have Lost an elf, right? Yeah, you haven't heard from your friends

Pendeth and Vorkid The wood elves who What's the over-under? Who do we think weid, the wood elves who... What's the over-under? Who do we think we lost? Are you... The wood elves who... Wood elf. Wood elf.

That's all he's got. Yeah. You heard one of them cry out. You're not sure what happened, but... Was he suddenly silent? Yeah, the cry out. You had to break through a wall of... Voodoo? Shame?

Tree sinew. And while you were doing it, the clock ran out, it seems, for one of your friends down the tunnel. You're not sure if he's alive, if the other one's alive. But time is running short. Your pal Shmoo, however, just a couple of eyelids on a blob communicated to you telepathically that he might be able to help for your inner chamber.

So he wants us to put him into... Yeah, he's... And he has a new name right before he dies. He suggested... Oh yeah, Warchild. Warchild. Warchild. C-H-Y-L-D. Said the word replace. And you guys realized that there's a big flapping organ.

I'll say. You know when he sacrifices himself, there's going to be a lot of, this is for War Child. But that's the thing. You don't really know what you guys are doing. You're not sure what kind of ritual you're going to have to improvise. Well, ritual is a bad word, usually. Hey, how hard

can it be, really, though? Think about it. I mean, heart surgery, it's not exactly brain surgery, is it? It's not rocket science, anyway. So let me see if I can, because this is all something that a dungeon master loves to see happen, when two

moving molecules from opposite opposite sides of a continent collide into a an insane bit of uh spell work and nonsense but uh it's going to require you guys to be super specific about what you're trying to do and um uh i'm going to just try and wrap my head around what's in your guys' heads, so correct me if I'm wrong. What you want to do is take this big sort of flapping organ in this wooden nest, somehow remove it, and connect to the larger body Shmoo, War Child.

Yes. Okay. How do you plan on beginning this procedure, gentlemen? I should have three more Benadryls. Well, first of all, scrub. Shmoo is here with you. I would love Warchild to guide us as much as he can. Warchild, what do we do?

He reaches out and rolls a 20. You guys roll a perception check difficulty of 8. Because he's got a real clear... I got it. No! I'm going to try and also customize

the communication a little bit so even you, Bodhi, who doesn't speak Elvish, gets a sort of unique spin when you succeed on a role to communicate. But he's my brother. He knows that I... He's your war brother. He's kind of heavy, though.

Tom, you hear him say, I don't think I need to die. I don't think I should have to die. And Bodhi, you get a sense of bravery from Warchild. Okay. What is a hero? So what do we do, Warchild?

What's the next step? Also, consider togi. We place him in? Do I place him in? He rolled a 19, which is, again, he's going to get a clear message out to one of you if you can succeed this roll. So difficulty 10, please.

Two plus five, seven. No, I don't make money. I totally missed this one. So difficulty 10, please. 2 plus 5, 7. I totally missed this again. Did you roll yet? No, I didn't make it. You didn't make it? No, he makes it. You just hear... Come again?

I ask him again. Please say again. I'm going to ask you to at least reword it a little bit. Because time is passing. Tell me what's next. What sort of a ritual? He rolls a five, so the difficulty this time is a 12. I got it. You got it.

I'm going to miss that, too. While I'm missing all these perception checks, I'm going to be looking through my little book on necromancy. Cool. So I'm going to get back to you on book on uh necromancy cool um so i'm going to get back to you on that in just a second there twee tom you hear him say we need to do this golden idol style you need you need to open a connection. I threw you the heart of the motorcycle accident. You need to open a connection physically that I can immediately replace.

Right. Got it. And Bodhi, because you succeeded but don't speak his literal language, instead you get a sense of this could get a little messy. Okay. So we're going to pull one out as we're putting him in. All right. Pull that flabby flabber.

Which one do you want to do? I will pull the flabby flabber out. Okay, and I got him, and I'll set him in. Yeah. I feel like we might need you to throw a heel once it's in place. Okay. Maybe. I don't know. heal once it's in place. Maybe. I don't know. Yeah, I can do that.

Okay. Tweet, while you're flipping through this book, I want you to roll a 20. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not a 20. Give me a hundred, please. Roll your hundreds. I'm going to look at my crit table for this one and translate it for you

into what's happening is it time to rock and roll throw me the shmoo little hand says it's time to rock and roll five alright your first attempt to rifle through the book and find something, you realize there might only be the vaguest notion in this book of what can help you,

but there's definitely something in this book that can help you later in the book. So you kind of narrow it down to, we'll say, five chapters in the back of the book, but you still don't know where to start. Okay. And I'm taking a good look at this flappy appendage. How is it attached? Are there veins coming into it? The top of it is connected to open air. It's just sort of a surface. As you sort of feel around with your hands, I'm going to ask you to roll a good old perception check.

That's five. So that's a 12. You feel without breaking anything that there's some sensitive roots to this thing. It feels like a sack full of nerve endings and some kind of fluid that's thinner than the black sap you have seen so far. This is a, much as a car, has a variety of fluids. This is not traditional dark black sap that you've seen in Morgothal so far. So the roots, you feel like there could be somewhere between 20 and 100.

And maybe at the center of the bottom of this thing, it might actually have a large artery. But that's about the best you can feel out. So it's kind of like a seat cushion. And it's got kind of an amber glow to it so it's sort of like a glowing amp like iron fist if you've been watching the least of the netflix shows i've seen his fist it's glowing uh amber and it's kind of like a pulsating i'm trying to show with my arms how it's kind of flapping around and the top of it's open like a big old pillow.

And then once you kind of put your fingers under it like a water bed, you kind of are like, oh, there's connections. Maybe even like in the middle like a big. I'm going to ask War Child what to attach to what. Oh, you know what? First, try to describe to War Child without even rolling what you think is going on here. It seems like a lot of... That's not how Tom would say it.

There seems to be a lot of different connections all around the underside. And then as you get to the middle, there's a big old, some kind of big old artery right in there. He nods. Roll a perception check please everybody 11 Because he reaches out to all of you every time You've all got a shot to decipher something Man Not even close

I botched my perception check Yep Alright so you two guys don't quite catch what he's saying He rolled low, so it's hard to hear him this time. But, Bodhi, you get something about... something large.

You feel like he's speaking of a large when asked about a connection. I'll grab the large thing. Yeah, so we're connecting... I'm imagining somehow his heart to that thing. I don't know what else it might be. Burp. What part of you?

Before you do that, Tweed, would you please roll a hundy again? Yes. 35. All right. 35. All right. This time you feel like you can find one spell and possibly multiple practical things you could do to help in this scenario. Okay.

So you're still not sure what order these things would have to be performed in, but you feel like you could be an integral part of what Bodhi and Tom are trying to do. You wanted to ask what part is the large part? What part? On you. On him? Yeah.

Okay. He rolled really low. Difficulty 16. Can we pause? Yeah, let's pause real quick. Do you hear crazy? Ernie was barking. Oh, no, no, no.

Let's pause real quick. So I totally... WKRP in Cincinnati. Where was... Crap town, Ohio. I totally blanked and moved the dice. So we're going to uh that last roll over again all right then damn it um this was you asking what part of his body right yeah you guys

oh can i try rolling that once i haven't rolled it officially yet in the game so this is him reaching out get stuck in your tube. We tried it. It's like a gallstone. Jesus. It only rolls three. I've never seen Brian move that fast. Alright, so you teleported into a position of defense.

You have to roll a 17. Yep. Yeah, Tom's rolling fat um he says he's not sure but if he had to guess it would be the most strong part of his body. So Strong part of his body? Brain? Heart? Well, you know, I heard that the strongest muscle

in the human body is the tongue. He'll attach it to his tongue. He doesn't have one of those. Doesn't sound like twee at all. I guess he have one of those. Doesn't sound like Tui at all. I guess he's strong-hearted. Yeah. He's either strong-heart or brain or soul.

He'll attach it to his soul. It's too amorphous. While these guys ponder what the strongest part is, you want to flip through that book one more time? I would like to flip through it. Should we ask him to reiterate? Yeah. Time is ticking by. Yeah, I know.

Please, while you think about how you're going to phrase a question, give Tui a chance to study his book. I got 90. Well, well, well. You needed that. Well, well, well, well. You needed that. Well, well, well, well. I needed that.

You've greatly increased the odds of this going. I'm more in your favor. Yeah, I've been rolling really badly. What do you think your strongest strength is? Let me tell him what he figured out in his book. All right. So, Blaine. You figure you need to put together some kind of... You'd already kind of figured out how to create a basic Raise Dead potion.

You think if you manage to give this potion... Raise Dead. Under the right circumstances, if you manage to share this potion with both Warchild and Morgothal at the same time. They can sort of drink of it together. You might be able to establish some kind of connection because- I saw Warchild and Morgothal open for Manowar. A miniature spell sort of occurs-

The American Manowar or the Portuguese Manowar? A spell occurs in... God damn it. My sentences can't finish and then my brain goes like... So... No, no, no. This is just like how, again, when I'm tired my brain just turns into like a one-way street.

I'm right there with you. I ate a lot of dry idea solid before I came over here. My brain is really... Yeah, I had one of those nights where I... Z06 V10. It was like 112 in the valley. First of all, my brain, yeah,

it turned into like a... Dude, I had lunch with your wife this afternoon. She hasn't told you yet. So we'll talk about this later. But we were in an outdoor cafe across the street from Vitello's where Robert Blake murdered his lovely wife. First of all, this is a true story.

Blaine actually does hang out with Melanie. It's a true story. I get half of 10% of everything Blaine does. It's 100% true. If I could get half of 10% of everything you do. It's called management for you guys out on the East Coast. But it was every five seconds I was apologizing for literally dripping with sweat.

I lost my pound. Wow. It was really bad. I couldn't head you over the pass with a pound joke. I was waiting for something. It was fucking brutal. It was so crazy hot today. Crazy hot.

So, yes. Today was one of the hottest days of uh in of the summer out here in los angeles where it's already hot as balls so forgive me if i'm kind of spacing but uh this is a mission impossible style episode so i'm also just trying to keep the uh the focus as lasery as i can as ernie shuffles around and and uh and uh his rectum flops inside out. It happens. If anyone knows, it's Brian. So, okay. So, a small sort of... That would be a bad thing to get at us.

Stop it, Blake. Prolapse dance. Sorry. When you quaff a potion, a small spell occurs inside you. And you know you can sort of have a shared experience of this spell occur in both beings at once. They'll be briefly joined. Okay. And you think it'll be sort of like a kick-starting a car, hot-wiring a car,

if you can get a sort of reanimation spell occurring inside both these beings at once. Okay. In addition to that, you still think there's some sort of micromanaging practical hand... There's something else you can be doing in the physical realm

in addition to just throwing this potion together. I could probably, I don't know, clear the table, get the table set. If you guys want to start working on... What do you guys want to ask about the strongest part of his body? How are you going to word it? Is it your heart? You're going to straight up ask if it's his heart.

Is it your heart? Difficulty 12. Roll, gentlemen. Yes. No. You hear very clearly brain um we're gonna start over if that's your new question okay uh bode you succeeded that role though right yep so in in addition to him hearing a no you get a sense that uh you might not be on the right track he He sounds very assertive to you, Bodhi. So, no.

We're not on the right track. Put his mouth on the thing. Like, Tom, you hear the word no. Bodhi, you hear the feeling getting colder. Do we look around and see an obvious place? Yeah, you can totally do a perception check. Why don't you guys roll? Just tell me what your number is with your bonus, please. That's not my highest thing.

10. Sometimes it's all you need, though. Sometimes that thing's pretty cool here. 19. Oh, fuck. You want to try, Tweed? You want to look around? Or you want to stay in your book?

I'm going to stay in my book. Yeah, you'll do better if you do that. So, Tom, you kind of look around, and you just feel more claustrophobic. You're just like, this is really small. It's kind of weird. We haven't heard from our elven friends down the corridor in a while. So all you notice is that the white noise coming down the corridor is getting louder. Okay.

Bodhi, you kind of realize really quick the walls are useless. They're close to sheer. And you focus back on this little nest. And you feel around the sides and you realize you can kind of reach. Like it's a pedestal that's about waist high and if you reach down into the sides of the pedestal you can kind of tug on the veins that are going up into the the big flappy thing okay so now I noticed that we can tug on the veins i don't know what that gets us okay so so so i'm going to try to paint this visually for you now that you've got a little bit better sense of

what's going on so this thing is sitting in a nest about waist high off the ground uh and it's it's on a nest made of hardwood that's how we on a nest made of hardwood. Oh, so that's how we disconnected. A nest made of hardwood, but there's holes and knots in the wood because it's not just a straight-up tree stump. It's an organic, full-of-holes kind of knotted thing. But you can get into it underneath. And now you feel like this big thing on top isn't just a cushion that's flapping around, but in fact like a jellyfish. Okay. a cushion that's flapping around but in fact like a jellyfish okay so it's a cushion with

sort of veins that go down into this stump uh that it's this nest that it's sitting on and you can even feel farther down on the vein so you realize oh i could maybe lift it up a little bit see some of the veins okay get a little bit of slack, pull it up a little bit. Yeah, okay, I do that. So now it's still rooted into the trunk, but when you pull it up, it's like pulling a VCR away from the entertainment center where you can see the

cords a little better. Oh, and I found my old remote. It's behind there the whole time. Look at all that dust on it. That's what a real good perception check gets you. You suddenly realize you're dealing with the VCR. I don't know what's connecting to

which. But you still don't know what the largest part of it is supposed to be. What was that a roll for? You just wanted to do that? I just wanted to roll. For the fudge of it? I'll roll again. While you do that, Blaine, would you take another peek at your book, perhaps? You into that?

Yeah. 27. You realize there are... So fucking loud. You're going to want to be using both your hands to do two things at the same time. I'll say. What does the book think?

You also realize you might need to hurry up if you want to start working on this potion. So you've got maybe one more pass at the book before you just gotta kind of like start making the potion. So do you want to spend that next turn making the potion or do you want to spend that kind of like

figuring out what this practical thing is with your hands you might want to be doing? I'm going to try to figure out the hands thing and then get on the potion. Great. You guys, Tui, you see him kind of hurrying with his book and you get a sense, Tom, from the increase in noise that maybe you've only got one or two more lines of communication to your friend here before you got to get down to business. Okay. Um,

we, uh, what do we want to ask him? We found, uh, we found the connection. How do you, how do you connect to it?

Something like that. That's what you're asking yeah what would you ask him and if you could just do it in the voice I mean I just I feel like I begged for it but America and the world from New Zealand to France they want to hear the voice

I just wish I knew what the we gotta do you know I'm not setting you I just wish I knew what the... What we gotta do here. You know what I'm even gonna... Shit. I'm not setting it. I'm resetting the hourglass. It's not really ticking yet.

What part are we talking about? You feel like you know the important part of this VCR. There's one big chord in the middle and a bunch of little ones. You're not sure what to do with the little ones but you feel like they're not as important as this big chord right in the center. What you're not sure is what

he wants you to stick into the big chord or how to stick it or anything like that. I kind of have a feeling he'll find it. What sticks out about him? About Shmoo? His arms are severed very cleanly at the shoulder.

He's got a neck, a jaw, no mouth. So his head sort of sticks up out of his torso but that's all that really sticks out about him yeah maybe we can use his

plug his head into that giant pipe in the middle like a plug turn him upside down like a shh I guess it's fucking weird

but yeah I'm still gonna ask him one or two more questions. Ask him. Yeah, yeah. What do you want to ask him? What do you want to ask him? And I'll ask him the same thing. Yeah, you can take passes at the same question.

Are you plugging your head into the hole? Roll a four or better. You might even have an automatic success, right? Yeah. No. Okay, so, Bodhi, you just hear friendly whispers. Okay. So no feeling check for you,

but, Tom, he says my spine. Somehow get my spine down that tube. You gotta cut them open oh okay have I found anything in this book about schmooze spines do we have to open ask him do we have to open you to get your spine that's your you're gonna do that you got one more

question after tweet checks his book so tweet is your last chance to look in the book do we have to oh yeah it's a scorpion one more question after Tweet checks his book. So Tweet, this is your last chance to look in the book. Roll 100. Do we have to? Oh yeah, go. Or is it sub-zero? Who does the... 15. I'm rolling so low. You realize what you need to be

doing with your hands when the actual ceremony has begun is trying to stop the flow from the smaller cords okay you have a feeling and you don't know how exactly but this this if they're going to put the spine in this tube somehow, the potion's going to go there. You're going to either feed it in some hole in him or at the connection point, this potion. But you might even want to let them do that.

You suddenly realize because you've been studying this book, your literal physical job should be something like sealing off the smaller tubes okay cauterizing them pinching them off you don't know what but you get the sense that if if they're bleeding everywhere this whole thing could go south preserve the fluid but that's the about as specific as you can get well i have uh i have an unseen, and I have Mage Hands. What a great thing for you to think of right now. I also have Jazz Hands, and I also have Hands Christian Anderson. Wandering Hands. So, you get a sense you've got one more question before things get too intense for you to just idly chat.

Yeah, so once we put his spine in there, we're gonna have to heal him, I guess, or heal the hole. Hopefully it'll keep him alive. Sure. How the fuck are we gonna de-spine him? I'm willing to try with the sword, but...

Alright. Did he answer that? I'm willing to try with the sword. Alright. Did he answer that? I'm going to ask him right now. So we have to expose your spine and pull your head off, basically? With your spine intact?

He rolled a 20. You guys need to not botch yeah when you reach out well i can't you go 17 i got six great so you uh you breathe a sigh of relief as both of you feel like you get a very clear telepathic connection to War Child. Tom, you hear him say, no, I don't think you have to decapitate me. Slow down, sailor. He rolled a 20, so he gets to come up with a fun little nickname for you.

But he says, yes, expose my spine somehow to the open tissues of the main tube. He gives you a big ol no but yes um you get a sense of everyone's on the right track i think you can pull this off uh congratulations um you obviously could have gotten a lot more specifics out of either the book or war child uh but given the limitations of communication in uh both situations this is it's go time so i'm gonna what i'm about to do is flip the timer. But before I do that, I'm going to give you guys a couple minutes to discuss what you're going to do.

We're going to cut. Well, he says we don't have to, right? We're going to expose his spine, he says. Correct. I'm going to follow it to work and see if it's having an affair. So I'm going to, I'm going to follow it to work and see if it's having an affair. Yeah.

How about if I try to find the spine with my gauntlets of a spine, spine finding. Ogre, Ogre, Ogre power, Ogre pillar. Before you actually get to do anything, I'm going to flip over the timer. So if you declare any physical action starts, I'm gonna flip over the timer so if you declare any physical

action starts I'm gonna flip the timer this is your chance to communicate to each other about that you think that's what we should do okay all right we have to we have to cut away all the all the stuff right yeah Yeah. So why don't you do a crazy big chopping thing on all the stuff that needs cut? Just attack everything. I'll do an unseen servant and some mage hands to close off all that stuff that's going on. And I'll feed the spine into the... But what about our buddy? When do I cut his spine? Now. to close off all that stuff that's going on.

But what about our buddy? When do I cut his spine? Now. Okay, and then I hack at the other things? The hanging... And then when this is over, then I have a... The hanging garden. I'll lay a cure wounds thing on, and I also have a scroll of healing

if I need to do that kind of thing. All right. thing on and I also have a scroll of healing if I need to do that kind of thing. Alright. I tell Shmoo or Warchild you are a good friend. Here goes nothing. Gago right as you're having this touching moment

flies in your face and says, How power this shit? Probably not. Alright. What do you have in mind? I can go check down the tunnel and see what the fuck's going on down there. Yeah, please.

He flies down there. Okay, cool. Also, FedEx is supposed to come here in a couple hours. So I'm going to cut. I'm going to cut and then how do we do the switch? You pull the thing off, and I set him in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Cool. When this timer runs out, something's going to happen in the corridor. Okay. It better not be me drunkenly bumping into him. Yep. Let the surgery commence.

Roll a 20. What you're going to be rolling for is let's see. Can I see your skills real quick? Do you have any medicine? You can roll either medicine or dex. What's your better bonus?

Probably dex. Yeah. Yep. Dex. Okay. probably decks yep okay you don't want to hit too hard right athletics wouldn't work you're trying to pull your chop a little bit yeah okay so I'm going to say yeah just roll a difficulty

of because he's not hard to cut do do do yeah just roll a difficulty of um because he's not hard to cut open but he is hard to not cut in half uh eight oh shit so I gotta get a six yep great so uh

you managed to uh successfully do it sixteen everybody um and you don't have to roll for damage because this isn't really a numbers game it's a matter of uh Great. So you managed to successfully do it. 16, everybody. And you don't have to roll for damage because this isn't really a numbers game. It's a matter of hitting an artery in War Child. So spine is exposed. What's next? He stares blankly as you do this. Elvish blood begins to... You edge his spine towards the pulsating sack.

Pull it up and cut it. You're cutting the sack? Who's cutting the sack? Yeah. You're cutting it right off? Is this the only thing that's happening right now? I'm going to cut the sack, and he's going to solderize it. Yeah, yeah.

And then I'm going to... Okay, roll 20 difficulty. We'll say this one. You don't know what the fuck is going on with this thing's anatomy. So let's actually roll a 100. Oh. Grab, grab, grab. And you're going to want to... I'm going to take a couple of chemicals out of my bottle.

I'm assuming you're already making the potion. What is that? It's just a three, right? Yep. Okay, so you take a swing at this thing and liquid starts spraying everywhere. Can I take another look at it?

Yep. I'll take another. at it? Yep. I'll take another. Same thing? Yep. Is that 28? 28. So you managed to get it off, but you're going to have to get right to work because he made some real rough cuts.

I'm pushing your hand. I'm pushing his spine on the face. I already rolled 18 before. All right. So he is now connected. Right. What's next? You got to cauterize the wounds or whatever.

Cauterize and cast a spell into the potion. He's got to try to get the potion in there. First, let's see if the potion succeeded. So roll if you would. You don't have any alchemy, do you? I do not. Okay. Let's say you need to make an intelligence

check difficulty. You've been looking at this book, so I'll give these eight. Okay. Three. What's your bonus on there? Two, five, no. So you think the potion may have worked.

All right. Not sure what the numbers are on this thing. You going to pour it over the spine in the opening? I'm going to pour it over the spine in the opening, and I'm also going to save a couple of drops and put it in the schmooze mouth. He doesn't have a mouth. You going to try and give him one? What are you going to do? Oh, no, no.

I'll just pour it all down his spine hole. Spine hole. Great. He is now connected. The potion is flowing over him. Alright, I am going to use my

mage hands to kind of close off the big ones. And then after I do that, I'm going to fire up an Unseen Servant and have the Unseen Servant grab the other arteries. Great, why don't you roll 100 for the Unseen Servant and then for the mage hands? 19 for the Unge hands. 19 for the

unseen servant. 27 for the mage hands. They get a grip, but there's still some spraying going on. You feel like you're going to have to follow up on them real quick. Okay. Heat up a dagger or something and start cauterizing these things. Who's doing that? You?

I guess so, yeah. Roll a dex check difficulty 10. Great. So you start cauterizing them and I'm going to say roll 3 d6 to see how many. Before you lose the heat on your dagger.

Good job. Blaine, what's up? Oh, never mind. 13. Great. So you get 13 of 20 openings, Cauterized Shutt. You managed to get some Mage Hand, Unseen Servant hands free, so why don't you roll 100 and see how things go in stage two of stopping the bleeding. What do I have, Blaine?

Yeah, roll that other one again for me. I'll do both. Yeah. Two. You're having a real hard time. Yeah, I am rolling shitty tonight. I don't know what I'm doing. These things are still open.

Can I tie some off? Roll a four-sided dice. Can I set my sword on fire? Yes. Both of you should be doing this at the same time. Four. Great. So you actually managed to tie all but one of these things off.

And then what do I roll? I let a torch do my own. Why don't you just roll a dex check difficulty five. Yep. got it. Great. All the smaller connections are now closed off, but you still haven't really addressed the spine in the main plug.

It's not a direct fit. There's some open flesh on both War Child and the hole, which is pulsating and spraying fluid all over him. There seems to be some sort of success as War Child is looking at you with confidence, but you know he's taking damage as he continues to bleed out. Yeah, I'm going to throw a cure wounds on him right now. Go for it. I'm also going to try to bind anything I can.

All right. You managed to partially bind it and slow it down, but it's a huge wound. That would help too. I'll say you get him three quarters of the way bound, but it's a big spine gash. There's no way to really... Until Blaine casts

Cure Wounds, it's kind of up to him how well this goes. So... 48. Did I tear up my bed roll and do it? Sure. 89, 17. Great.

You notice the tissue of the cord wraps up around his spine and begins to connect with his tissue very slowly. Okay. You feel like everything here is mostly what you wanted. Roll a perception check. Difficulty four. All three of you gents. Fourteen.

Yes. Bodhi, you feel him say thank you. Jesus Christ. Tui, you get a migraine. Yeah, it's part of the ritual. I begin to masturbate. Tom, you hear him say pretty clearly, I wouldn't mind some more healing,

but I feel like if you leave me, something might happen in our favor. I need time. Okay. Keep me safe. I need time to connect. Oh, got it. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll guard him. I'm going to... I have a scroll of healing as well. If you leave me. That's right. And I'm going to lay that on. That scroll is good for multiple party members too.

So it's the one that you found, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's going to actually manage to heal the whole party. So why don't you roll a D6 for everyone, including... So it'll be... Anyone who wants a heal, call out who it's for. Who gets one? Who let you pay who needs one i'm good i'll take one i guess i was gonna say i was i'll give it to you i'm good give it to uh

give it to shmoo or whatever we're calling it pointed all of him there yeah uh war child war child gets a six and a one just uh six and a one six and a one yeah I'll just put it all at War Child I don't want any three two how many more

I think one more five so he seems to a huge amount of relief seems to to wash over him good and uh he kind of just like that time i made it to the can as much as he can he gestures with his head to lay him down uh you you feel like he's trying to connect with the tree and that something big may be about to happen. Okay, cool. Meanwhile, Gago comes flying down and says,

we fucked. And you see the light that was sort of coming through the tunnel before is now gone and the tunnel is growing dark and you're hearing a noise coming closer. What do we think it is?

Yes. The tunnel no longer seems to be clear. Oh, okay. I am going to... This is the only way out? It's behind us? As far as I know, man.

But there's a big creature coming our way down there. I think it took out our boys. I'm going to shoot a poison spray down the hall. Do it. Go for it. No, just do it. Yeah.

Poison spray. We should make shirts of this Aminah map. Poison spray 1D12 We should make shirts of this Aminimap We should make shirts of this Aminimap Have it say Wu-Tang map ain't nothing to fuck with It fails its constitution roll

Whatever it is You know who else failed their constitution roll? It's Ted Cruz. So it takes... Thank you. I'll Venmo you for that applause. I hate when they got political on episode. Man, all the cuts we've made, people have no

idea. 12 points of... That big rant I went on about how I want to elect my boss president. What did you roll? 12 points of God that big rant I went on about how I want to elect my boss president what did you roll 12 points of points of damage you left all the stuff in there about how he's really making America great again right yep you hear

a deep voice call from down the hallway the great blue green I must reunite you with the great blue green what's the great blue green i must reunite you with the great blue green what's the great blue green but it's still dark and you don't know what the fuck just said that uh well i'm ready to rage on this thing if i have to uh you feel like it's got around before it gets to you but it's picking up the pace did you just shoot a poison something

I hit it for 12 points Blaine what do you got for this thing he's coming down the hallway what blast would you throw at him I would throw a thunder wave at it we're out of the way we get out of the way

alright the thing is you're in a very out of the way. As long as we get out of the way. We get out of the way. Alright. The thing is, you're in a very small chamber. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to hip pocket the Thunder Wave right now and I'm just going to whip out a little Acid Wand. This thing you've been threatening to shoot old ladies in the face with

for many a bonus episode. Yeah, well this better be a pretty big old lady. So you whip it out. What time are we at, by the way, Engineer Sam? Five left. Beautiful. So why don't you roll for damage with that poison wand? You tell me what the damage is.

That'll be 1d12. 1d12. Acid wand. Nine. Spraying, you hear a hiss, and more shouting about the great blue-green. Okay. Let me put my wand away.

With your elven eyes, you see piercing the darkness the face of what was once an elf. There are now small bones sticking out of its face, bones with moss growing on them. It appears to be the swollen corpse, maybe, of a wood elf that has grown very large with bones and bark and branches sticking out of it. How large? It's a little bigger than you, Bodhi, Not by much, but it's about eight feet tall. Its back is hunched over. There's extra ribs poking out of its back

that don't necessarily seem to belong to it. And is it made of wood or parts of it are? It has what appear to be both wooden and elven hands sticking out of its back. Okay. It seems to be some mass of wooden and elven tissue. I set my sword back on fire and I rage. Can you set your sword?

I did too. I burned it a minute ago. Oh, that's right. You're going to heat that sucker up again? I'd like to. Sounds good. Shall we roll to attack, gentlemen? I mean, I don't have that thing that the guy in Game of Thrones had. Yeah, I gotta look up that character's name

because i think i got it wrong that was so fucking awesome you know they're funny barrick don darian sword yeah yeah that dude is awesome yeah i didn't there was a couple guys the dude with the top knot i thought was kind of dumb that priest i thought he was the drunk guy not as cool as a drunk priest more than one dude had a sword that went up? Yeah, it was Beric Dondarrion and then, what was his pal? Those are so fucking cool. I can't remember what that guy's name was. Could I fake that?

Could I throw oil on my blade and do some Gene Simmons shit? You guys are all pretty low on oil. I'm not sure you've got enough oil left to light a sword on fire. You shut up. I don't want to take away your most prized move. Is the sap flammable? You could try. Yeah. We don't want to burn the whole thing down, though.

Or do we? It might be our friend now. Oh, yeah. Shit. All right. Oh, yeah. Shit. All right, well, fuck this fire sword. I'll just hack at the guy with the regular sword. It would have been cool looking, though. And since he's wood, I would have done some damage, fire damage.

So there's... Brian's like, here's the image Dan should have let me paint for you but unfortunately he took all my paints away and instead of Amon Amarth it's Vangelis playing while I do it so Bodhi's raging as he is about to go at this thing you gentlemen want to do anything

to prep for what's going to be very close combat we We do what? I'm on a mark. Do-do-do-do-do. I'm on a mark. Uh, sleep. Oh, no, wait.

Yeah, you don't have that cantripped. No, I don't. You haven't? Well, no, a while ago. Yeah, you don't have that cantripped. You haven't? Yeah, but I don't know if you've rested since you've used it. Poison spray again. You have that cantripped, right? Yeah.

Okay. Go for it. He's going to do a constitution check he fails three four seven points seven points great

as this happens I'm gonna need you guys to do a saving throw with your charisma please so that's a no that's a

whoopsie doodle for you yeah I'm good I made it hooray so this thing screams real loud in an effort to intimidate you and

Tom you feel a little wet spot in your in your downstairs parts and you're gonna you're gonna suffer a penalty on any kind of melee situation for two rounds.

Also, I'm gonna need you guys to do yet another charisma check, please. For something completely unrelated. Would this spread? Hmm? Would this spread or would it be contained? Hold on, Blaine. What is this Dan reading a tiefling racial ability

brought to us by? York Peppermint Patty. When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of a glass rod being shoved up my urethra, hammered flat with a rubber hose, and force-fed a case of Rolling Rock through a funnel. Get the sensation. New York Peppermint Patty from Peter Paul.

Was that also an ad for Rolling Rock? Yeah, kind of. I'm kind of doubling up lately. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say that's not the kind of you-know-what that spreads. Oh, good. Okay. You guys talking about creamy peanut butter or chunky?

We're talking about legs. Oh, yeah. But before you do that, and I think what you should do is you should maybe sit on that for next time we meet. Okay. But, yes, everyone, please roll a charisma saving throw. I got an 18. Four plus five. Did it?

Four plus ten. Yep. Hey, I would like to... Well, something's about to happen. So Blaine, please say it, but know that you're butting up against a bit of action. Okay. Okay. When can I throw a hold person on this thing?

As soon as this thing happens. Okay. And you're all dead. You, none of you guys take any damage, but you feel a piercing shriek through your head as something cries out and you notice behind you that Warchild has suddenly gone erect and is now bulge-eyed staring straight ahead. Okay. And I think that's how we're going to leave things

until next time when you guys should remember what you are about to do to the elven necromantic going thing. What's going on behind us with our buddy, Warchild? He just had an idea. Oh, okay. He seems very sentient right now. Or he's not in pain or anything?

You're not sure, but he's awake. Something's going on. He's woke. All right. He's quite woke. We'll see in episode 24, I believe, right? Yeah, and when's this drop? Do you want to plug any dates, Brian?

You haven't done a lot of date plug-in lately this is gonna be a great summer uh where i wasn't uh out yelling my dick jokes at people's faces gonna drop september 18th okay um yeah well i'm uh toronto i'm uh i'm there for jfl 42 which uh two years ago uh doing JFL 42 was one of the highlights of that year. The shows were amazing, man. They had these cool theaters, and we all filled them because people get passes and can kind of go see any of their favorite shows they want to. So if you live in Toronto, buy a pass and come see me.

So if you live in Toronto, buy a pass and come see me. Yell about things that don't really affect you, like my balls and our president. Same thing, really. Anyway, everybody else, go to brianposain.com. I've got a bunch of things coming up in the fall and winter. I'll get busy again. September 19th is going to be my 19th birthday.

September 14th is going to be my 14th birthday. Oh, man. Anybody else have anything else to plug? No, that's it, really. Don't be shitty to each other, everybody Yeah, totally Yeah, be cool Stay cool Bye

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