Nerd Poker - Episode 3 - Tunnel Tenure

Episode Date: February 6, 2019

Dargthur, the latest goth character creation by Brian Posehn, has helped the party discover a tunnel that they hope will take them to the civilization of the western port city of Boazor. But entering the tunnel isn't as easy as cracking open a dungeoneering kit. There are prices to pay and NPCs to be insulted by.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

My name's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Holy crap, we did it. Episode two, three. Episode three. And all my friends are here. Chris.

Hello. Sarah. Hello. Ken. Toot. Dan. Piercing. And Blaine.

Hi. Hey, Blaine. Hey. Hard R. Odor. Hey, guess what? There's some great bands coming to Paladinos. Oh, yeah.

Well, I got one today online somebody wrote was it smoky or smoker wrote were they in patreon subscriber because this is supposed to be just for people who give us monies super tramp stamp I thought that was

pretty good no yeah I just I just wondered is there do you think there's a an expiration date on the paladinos or is this just gonna be like

you know there's been a few waves because we did I feel like I you started to like it from hating it so much I sort of like

I was like initially not on board then I came around I was like okay okay and then we got those awesome prints and I was like

this is really fun and then I was like wait is this gonna be do I we got those awesome prints and I was like, this is really fun. And then I was like, wait, is this going to be, do I live at Paladino's for the rest of my life? No, I don't think so. I like when we have an inside joke. I don't do any joke forever, but I do a joke for a long fucking time. You know it's going to circle back. I'm going to start loving it again. It's a carryover from last

campaign and we had that happen with Skeletor's dick. There are, yeah, Ken's known me for 20 something years. The first campaign, since we became an independent podcast, we made jokes about Skeletor's dick a thousand times and you came on board and you were like,

and so that lasted like four episodes. I don't think I disapproved of that. Oh, I actually wrote myself a note today, did we break Skeletor's dick? Because I feel like... Oh, he still listens? He still listens, man. I definitely don't think I was like a disapproving schoolmarm about Skeletor's dick because I feel like he still listens. He still listens, man. I definitely don't think I was like a disapproving school marm about Skeletor's dick. It's weird how I put on

an Amish woman's outfit to impersonate Sarah when I... I just was like, oh, what's that? Yeah, yeah. We just phased it out. That's all I'm saying. All I'm saying is your skepticism-ishness of the Skeletor's dick as you were made aware of it.

It's not like you ever disapproved. It just happened to coincide with us getting ready for a new bit. So we had a new bit come in. We had Palladino sort of sidestep. Oh, that's right. It did sort of take over. It kind of did.

It's like the new Skeletor's dick. And so I think there will be, it's just organically going to happen eventually. We'll have a new bit. Yeah. That will drive into the ground. Or not. We will never have another bit.

Speaking of driving into the ground this week. Oh, for love of God, yes. Sarah. Lane really just made direct eye contact so yes you and your thought policing this new bit is brought to you by Toblerone

the triangular meat Dan and Blaine's commercials the thing that ties it all together from the olden days of nerd poker. That's true. Blaine's commercials can go on. Remember nine years of those, you guys?

Oh, by the way, this year will have been a podcast for seven years. Which predates me, predates Chris. My kid is five and a half. Wow. And you were on this podcast before your kid was born. Yeah, I was. I was too before

I was mine. Nutballs. But guess what, you guys? This week at Paladino's, the highway to hell is paved with nonstop hand washing. Welcome to the stage, OCDC. That's from John Lloyd. Thank you, John Lloyd.

That one, I, yeah. You didn't play with it no I yeah I had a personal stake and I appreciate it care to say it exactly six more times

so that's all I got I want to talk about our adventures you guys welcome to episode three of season three I believe

that's it we're at an hour good night everybody bye did we announce last week that our PO box Welcome to episode three of season three. I believe that's it. We're at an hour. Good night, everybody. Bye. Did we announce last week that our P.O. box is back up? No, we announced it on social media, though. Our P.O. box, I've let it lapse a couple of times now,

but I promise I won't. Hey, you know what? I'm glad you don't let your poo box lapse. We won't send it back. It's really close by, too. A couple of people had their thing sent back, and now you can send it again, and we promise we'll open it, and we'll talk about it.

Are we sending us things? Yes, very nice. Oh, hey, Mavis. And Mavis says hi. You guys have some new characters you're settling into. I hope you've been enjoying them so far. They have recently survived a comet colliding with the planet. You guys sort of met it in an observatory where a strange little gnome met you all.

The gnome's name is... Please say Chomsky. No, Baron Nibbin Dairy Waxel Puzzle Gig, the honorary Baron of Pepper Green. You guys are on the continent of Cloddenheim and Clod... Cloddenheim. The names are all funny. Cloddenheim isn't the way it used to be.

You've recently acquired a map and you can tell where a couple of comet chunks have slammed into the continent and changed the landscape. Oh, I bet the snowflakes took it over. You know what, that too. It made Cloddenheim great again. Oh, God. Here's what I know about the comet. It made my teeth turn green. Oh, I bet the snowflakes took it over. You know what they do. They make the Kladdenheim great again. Oh, God. Here's what I know about the comet. It made my teeth turn green.

Oh, God. The comet. It tasted like gasoline. Oh, brother. It made me vomit. That comet made me vomit. You've filled in some spots on the map. You've figured out a little bit.

You've figured out 10 years have passed since the comet hit. You guys were frozen. Is this going to be available online for people? Yeah i'm gonna post that when you guys when it like right now when we're recording this episode two hasn't become public yet so that's the episode where you found it once that goes online i'll give it to patreons first if you guys are private yeah mavis wants my cherry coke uh yeah i like to try to take stuff like that and put it up on patreon like a couple of days even a week before the general public gets on social media and such but you filled in a bunch of the map sarah rolled a couple of notches so don't forget you get to fill some stuff in on the

map as you go sarah because you rolled i think like five spots on the map that you get to sort of fill in as you go she has has four left. We wrote it. But I gave you blank maps designed by the amazing Sean Bryant. Thank you, Sean. I gave him, you know, this. I'm looking at it right now, my rough graph paper version of the map with a bunch of numbers on it.

So you filled out some of it. You managed to get to the base of a mountain. You were gifted some furs, some sort of bison furs by Gexwick. Gexwick was a... Bison furs by Gexwick. Also a gnome, a former servant of the Baron. Put the rest on gift certificate.

He helped unearth you from inside the mountain. And it was a different perhaps mountain or part of the mountain than where the observatory was. It seems you were blasted out of the observatory when the comet hit. You made it to the base of the mountain, and you're currently in a valley between mountains, looking for a tunnel that will get you to Bozor. You're trying to get to some civilization. You're still sort of in the wilderness.

And Dargser, the one amongst you with some tunnel experience. Mm-hmm. A little. Well, you were really bragging about it last episode, just so you know. No, I still am. Okay. Dan hates it.

Oh, it was sarcastic. I said a little sarcastically, yes. Your character is so sarcastic, he is sarcastic towards the dungeon master. Meaning it's the opposite of little. Right. Yeah. You know what?

So Darkthor pointed out that he could probably guide you a bit through certain tunnels in the area so you're at the valley you're um you're looking around for a tunnel from the mountains towards bozor so you don't have to go through quite as harsh and arctic landscape to get to civilization and to represent some of the ice that has infected the entire continent, we have a beautiful terrain built for us by Spencer. Do we know Spencer's last name off the top of our head? Do you want me to look it up? Gifts. I have it.

Oh! I buy all my belts. Spencer Stander. Spencer Stander? Stander. Spencer Stander, thank you so much for building this terrain. We'll be posting that. I love that Blade laughed at a joke that he would probably make.

Thank you, Spencer. It's really cool. Thank you, Spencer. Yeah, thank you, Spencer. For the beautiful terrain and the strip lawn darts that you've been providing America's malls for years. Yeah, it's super cool. And all of a sudden, it smells like incense

and flickering light bulbs that have a peace sign in them in here. You also lit us tonight. We have a rotating blue orb light that makes it look like Arctic winds are blowing through the terrain. And we'll be using minis and grids for combat. It's going to get silly. I don't get it. We've got to start to use like a visual something for people to see, or at least little clips maybe. We'll figure it out.

And Sam's going to help us out with some of that. What we're doing here as we upgrade our game a little. Hey, we don't have a miniature for Sam on the board. We should have a dude sitting on the other side. I thought of a quick Sam. Sam should have a little mini

in front of him. Or up there on top of the light. He's got a mic. Hey Sam, I thought of a segment for you. I thought at the end of the episode we could have Sam's end of episode recap where we check in with you and see what you think just happened for the last hour. I would be happy

to. Alright, let's try that. Oh, and you should also tell us in detail what you think we should cut. Now he's going to listen. Well, of course the element of surprise in detail what you think we should cut. He's going to listen. Well, of course the element of surprise is good. I don't want you to actually pay too much attention. Oh, Sam, we're going to cancel that bit. Don't worry about it. He usually walks around my house and he takes bookmarks out of books.

On four pages? Yeah, he does weird shit. What? I'll delete his T-bone. That was so dead apparently. Rarely have I apparently. I know. Rarely have I seen. I feel like Sam and Brian have been hanging out.

This is cute. So you guys, what comes next is up to you. You're looking a little bit for a tunnel. And you're in a valley. Are you still beat up a little bit? How's everybody's hit points looking? I have a hurdy. She healed us back up.

I think I healed everybody, right? Oh yeah, you might be back at full from her healing spell. Everybody's back at full. I thought I got hit again. But okay, I'll take it. You did? No, I'm fine. You know what happened? You did fall down a mountain. Oh yes, you guys did slide down. By mistake. So before you, you're in a sort of area that's got a lot of earth and rock

exposed. There's not quite as much ice as there was up on the mountain when you were sort of sledding unintentionally. Do you, what are you gonna do? You gonna set up a camp or you gonna just try and get straight underground? Oh, I thought we were going straight underground. I thought like right when we wrapped up, didn't he like find the cave entrance or something?

Almost. He found a rocky outcropping sort of in the distance in this valley and you were about to approach it. Yeah, I think we'd been sleeping for like 10 years so we were just gonna get going. So where are we over here? Did you say 10 year? Yeah, the map is not representative of the area. It's more just a all purpose terrain.

There isn't a hole or. No, that that that. Now is a hole. I beg you to not. I beg you to not look at that terrain and try to make an exact correlation. Like let's if we think this is the right area. Do we need to spread out or you're the dark third you're like the expert yeah just do a quick little investigation

check now that you're in the right biome to find a tunnel yep ooh beautiful what's your bonus to that he rolled an 18 19 what did you find, sour boy? What did you find? Oh my God.

He's the new Jerry Duggan. It would be my honor. Did Jerry give you like lessons on how to piss me off? We spend time together. I don't know. So, and I'll throw this into, you know. You're not a paladin are you no oh wow while we're talking usually those numbers and bonuses uh you're all level three the listeners have been asking on social media non-stop i wanted to bump you just up a little

bit from one so you have interesting abilities and you're not just immediately murdered by a rat oh i thought we said yeah we have, but it might be in episode two. Also, maybe you just heard this last week everybody, but episode one just dropped for Patreons last night as we're recording this and a bunch of people are like, what level are they? We want to know. So I want to make sure. And we're all ghosts.

We don't think you guys sound like that. No, I'm... Some of you do. I'm so just impulsively snarky that I just attack people when they don't deserve it. I think they sound normal, just like us. You find what looks like a tunnel. You walk along the valley of fudge

and you see what can only be a large cave entrance. And with that investigation, Mavis really needs me to pet her. She's rubbing her little snout against me. She's aggressive. Well, she's a gorgeous pups. For new listeners, Mavis is my mother. You also, Darkthor, think you spot signs of humanoids being nearby recently. Yes, poop all over the place. With that roll, yeah. There's not poop, but there's definitely footprints. nearby recently. Yes, okay. Poop all over the place.

With that roll, yeah. There's not poop, but there's definitely footprints. Tracks. There's tracks. Going into what? Okay. Fast food wrappers. Now, the plan was that we're trying to get to the city, right?

Through this tunnel? Hopefully, yes. Okay. That was your plan. There's a tunnel over here. And Bozor's to the west, on the other side of Silver Henny Woods. Is that good news? Yeah.

Weren't we looking for one? I don't know. Why don't you check my computer banks? There's tracks, too. People have been here, and somebody went in there. Okay, I go in. Yeah, let's check it out. Should we not proceed with caution?

If you guys stop bickering, then we can have the time to be quiet. Are you going proceed with caution? If you guys stop bickering, then we can have the time to be cautious. Are you going in with caution or are you just going to scry it in there? I'm just telling him because he asked. Is there like, is it a door? Is it dark? Yeah.

It's a very large cave entrance and you don't see a door yet, but maybe there will be one soon. I'll go in cautiously, certainly, yes. Do a stealth check. Auspicious beginning. I rolled a one. I do have a plus two.

Sure. Natural ones and natural 20s subvert a little bit either way. Is that for everything? If you roll a one for a dexterity check? I like to, yeah. I mean, it's definitely not a hard and fast rule. I have tons of rules. A lot of people, when Twee died in the last campaign, a lot of people didn't like my homebrew sort of rules.

So I might go a little bit by the book more this campaign just because I found a lot of my homebrew rules were mostly built around my own lack of education. Were they mad he died or mad he had a chance to live? They thought the way things... A lot of people, either they don't do any negative hit points or you can get more than... My homebrew rule was if you get more than negative 10, you're just obliterated. It's catastrophic damage.

And I think that might even be from an old version of something. I don't know. I think it is second edition. Yeah. second edition yeah so i just went with that like some sark did it yeah maybe i even got it from sark listening to your podcast i had an elf named bick and bick uh was shot with 180 zombie arrows and he was killed do you remember that you remember that and uh but i was brought back to life with magic. And he said, there's no way you can come back from that without being completely fucked up somehow. Right. And so I was paralyzed.

Right. And so Brian carried me on his back like Yoda for a while. We were Master Blaster. And then I would do a thing where I just eventually levitated. Weren't you able to levitate? You were able to levitate your legs. I thought that was awesome. Like if that doesn't follow the rules exactly,

that sounds way more fun than just being like, you got in with too many arrows, you're not alive. I would sit on a shield like Elroy in the beginning of the Jetsons. Oh, yeah. And I would just float on stuff. That's cool. And I would fly around. That was a lot of fun.

That's a creative solution. But I wanted to get my, I would rather be walking. So Halcine. I have dreams about grass. Proud half sun elf that you are. You stride through the cave entrance. We're just going to let her do it. Attempting to be sort of cautious,

but you sort of accidentally kick a few rocks as you go. I meant to do that. Yeah, I mean, it seems pretty obvious to everyone she didn't mean to do it but she's very confident as is her nature and you uh you see pretty quickly how seen that there are in fact giant stone doors um and dwarvish runes written upon them and you also don't get very far before you hear a dwarvish voice call, Halt!

So, how well lit is this area? It's dark, but you don't need dark vision kind of dark. It's dim. I have it, but yeah. You're only what we'd call half a city block into this cave before there's these doors. How far away is this dwarf gentleman that?

You don't see him yet. Hello. Toll. What's the toll? 50 gold pieces. Jesus. Here, take a break. For all of us or?

We see all of you, looks like about 50. We see all of you. Looks like about 50. Interesting. Well. I'll tell you what. How about one diamond for all of us? Do a persuasion check.

Do we not have gold? You do. Yes. We have 10 gold, 20 diamonds. 17. All right. One diamond each. Remember we got all those diamonds, guys. Yeah, give him a diamond.

Sorry that my voice keeps cracking like I'm going through puberty and I'm a boy. I'm a little bit sick. Sorry. Dark Thir. Spot me a diamond. That's right. He doesn't have any of his own diamonds. Sure. Thank you, Darkther.

See? Besties. Here. I love it. Do you want me to pick them up? Apparently telepathy doesn't work with a robot I have to I'm debating whether I should make you do this

Because I was saying please would be nice Halcine also do an intelligence check What? Do an intelligence check With telepathy but he didn't listen Oh I heard you 19 I feel like these diamonds might be worse Oh, I heard you. 19.

I feel like these diamonds might be worth a lot more. That's what I was thinking. I just thought in the future that gold pieces would be worth more. You at least remember 10 years ago, these diamonds might be worth about 50 gold pieces each. Well, then, who cares? What are we going to use them for? Well, wait, they are?

But we only need... Didn't we each get 10? We each got 10 diamonds. So give me one diamond. 20 diamonds, 10 gold pieces. We each got 10 diamonds and 10 gold pieces, right? Wait, I got 10 diamonds and 10 gold pieces. You all got the same thing. I'm going to look it up.

Yeah, we got 20 diamonds and 10 gold pieces. You each got 10 gold pieces, 20 diamonds. Yeah, so you have most of your wealth is in diamonds, but we need to convert at that, at that conversion rate, at least of 10 years ago, you are paying, uh,

about 50 gold each instead of 50 total, but let's just give them one. Excellent. Yeah. Hey, that was what I had pitched. But if you guys want to do that, yeah,

I would much rather give, give them one than five. One is fair. So you, you pitch that back to him to do another persuasion check? I'm assuming my intelligence check happened at the same time as the initial thing. Well, yeah, yeah. Can I help her with that? But this is still a different kind of bartering because at this point they're making a new demand.

No, these guys, they're stubborn. Wait, so I said one diamond for everybody. And then... You said one each. Oh, I said one each initially? No, he came back with one. He came back with one each, and you're trying to convince him... No.

Oh, I see. One total. And I'm saying one total. Uh-huh. Okay, and I rolled a one, so... Oh, dear. They laugh. How about two?

Wait, hold on. Hold the phone. Can I try? The total's a diamond each, a 50 gold total. Well, it's like saying four quarters are a dollar, really. So why are they asking for more money? Assholes. Yeah, you hear one of them go.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Can I try to persuade them? Sure. You're going to maybe have some difficulty because they're not especially open to more interrogation. So what are you going to say when you ask? What's your tactic

going to be here? Are they ticklish? It doesn't look like they're from Tickle to me. Hey, can I ask you a question which one of you was in charge that'd be me how many of you are there do a intimidation check Oh, uh... 16. Oh. Three of us. Two at the door. One sniping. Sniping? Where would the sniper be?

Get fucked o'clock. Oh. Wow. Okay. Okay. How about this? And you can't see them. They seem to be obscured behind some rocky outcroppings near the door. How about one diamond that you guys can share however you like,

and then five gold pieces each? Huh? Well. Didn't they want 50? Yeah, so five for each one of you, and then one diamond that you can figure out. So 15 gold and a diamond is what you're... Yeah, for all of us.

All right. Put it in a pile by the door and step back. Do you want me to take it up? And some gold pieces? Sure, no problem. All right, well, I highly recommend you use your pencils to track the currency that you have given up. I'm going to try a little thing this campaign called give you currency and make you spend it. So please.

Things may seem as apocalyptic as my last two campaigns, but this is a continent populated with entire cities. I think that's why I was so taken aback by you making change about the the diamonds i feel like the last everyone got mad me for bargaining for horses one time so dude i hope shit like that still happens because that was so fucking funny last campaign when blaine in order to get horses that belonged to him out of a stable where they were more than willing to give you back to horses he set the whole shit on fire like killed a guy that was my that was one of my top top five moments for sure that was so i was just trying not to laugh because if i thought if i laughed they'll realize that they don't have to be doing this but you slowly all figured it out that he was just causing unnecessary violence well it was it was a good thing that I died.

No. It's plain. I'm saying I liked when you fucked up. What? What? Three each, so seven left. Yeah. No. It was... I'll let you declare it again. What was it?

It was like two each plus... One diamond and then a smaller amount than yeah five did i say five no i can't remember so she puts in a diamond roll back the tape put in five it was five five per rather than ten per does that sound right yes all right so everybody mark down five gold pieces and someone lost a diamond no i meant five per each of the guys got five oh so 15, so 15 divided by five. I put in the diamond. Thank you.

Listeners at home are like, this is the most basic math. Rewind the podcast. You'll see that I had it right from the beginning. You did. You did. I might have been the only one who had it wrong. I'm going to have to put five gold pieces in my account so that I can get three out without closing my account. Oh, fantasy Venmo strikes again.

When you put it down, you see one of the dwarves kind of scuttle out. He's heavily armored, wearing furs. He looks over his shoulder, you guys, and goes, because he just points at all of you and just sort of laughs the way you look like. And he picks up the pavement and he goes, Hey, Driftmire, look at our outfits.

We like jokes. Tell us why you laugh. You're wearing bison capes and then you got the tenebrous ones. What are you doing with them white things over you? What are these? You're wearing robes of the tenebrous one. What are you doing? You're clearly not with the tenebrous one. You look like a bunch of kids trying to break into a party.

Hey, idiot. We weren't trying to look like we were wearing the robes to wear them. We were trying to blend in with the snow for the part that we were getting to the tunnel okay we didn't our payment did not come with a request for your opinion on anything any of this so just take your money please let us in sounds like some complicated psychological shame i'm not capable of processing he says and then he he um he places a hand against the door utter something in dwarvish uh which i could tell you if any of you spoke dwarvish and really want to know and then the doors slide open can i as we're passing them i want to just kind of like i because i know that

we're out of time meaning like we're from a different i'm trying to just like scan them for basic like what are they wearing that we're not wearing like i'm trying to figure out how they look like mercenaries they've got layered armor they they look like they may have been camped out here for a while they look kind of like really rustic weathered like they maybe got a camp nearby but they live in the wilds um well at least the one that you can see you can't really see the other two that can i ask you a question? Me or the character? The character. What? Where were you when the comet hit?

Well. I like to ask everybody this question. In the tunnels. But they're cursed now. I'm going to live in them. Of course. Only idiots go in there. Should have seen the last idiots went in there.

Have fun. Okay, we will. Why do you charge a toll? Why wouldn't we? But if you like watching people suffer. It's not quite enough of its own reward. Look, in this gig economy economy you do what you gotta we're like a giggle economy

this is great when you say these are cursed what shall we expect I mean don't you want it to be a surprise no there used to be a surprise? No! There used to be a dwarven city down there, but no dwarves live down there no more.

It's a bit different, let's just say. Your vagaries are unappreciated. Use specifics. Details. The Tenebrous One's people went in there and they tried to re-acclimate it themselves. And then they gave up because it was too complicated mixing their magic with the dwarven's magic. So there's some shit down there. Copy that. All right. Sounds like a great place. But it will get us to Bozor.

Are you asking him that? Yeah. Maybe. If we do not perish. I think I'm giving you a bit of information you want some more. It's going to cost you some more. Sure. I flip him a gold piece.

It'll get you to Bozo. You got to get pretty deep. Can you just sketch it out for me on this graph paper? We didn't take too kindly to outsiders, but there's tunnels that go to the Trident Coast to the south and tunnels that go west to Bozor.

Are they marked? Oh, no. And y'all speak Dwarvish. Don't go south. If you see a sign that says elves, that's south of the Dryden Ghost. If you see a sign that says humans, it's west of Bozor.

What is your name? Volshek. You've been very helpful, Volshek. He just slammed his... Settle down. His feisty cherry diet coke. He slams... Yeah, no, he doesn't slam anything.

He's not holding a drink, but he says, All right. Sarah's unzipping her backpack. I'm going to get a cop job. Volshek, what are you doing to your fly? I'm showing you my dick as a sign of distrust The future is strange Yeah, he starts heading behind the rock

You guys note that there is now an open door and a hallway with heavy stone tiles lit inside not exactly yet you can't tell until you go in you going in yeah so as you go in there's a pretty short hallway it leads to sort of a uh we'll call it a chamber it's round in nature there's a thin layer of dust in the chamber and there is some sunlight spilling in through cracks in the mountainside the chamber is about 30 feet tall uh and you can see uh as the hallway sort of opens into the circular room

there is a big statue that's about 30 feet tall and takes up the whole center of the room and it's going to come to life when uh the statue is uh of some kind of uh dwarf fighting some kind of tentacled monstrosity uh there is a looks like a continuation of another hallway on the other side of the statue but the statue is 30 feet tall, the ceiling's 30 feet tall, and it takes up a large amount of room. I do take off the robe. The white robe over your cloak? Now that we're out of the snow. All right.

Us two, or I do, too, if I was wearing one. All right. I was not wearing one. Right. Do I recognize the tentacle monster? Do a history check. I'm familiar with. Does it look like a sea creature?

Do a history check. Eight plus three, 11. It doesn't look like a sea creature. You don't recognize it. It's strangely humanoid. Has Dark been through here before? No. You do think you may have heard of this dwarven city?

Do I know where the elven city was that he mentioned? He wrote down, Sarah, what he said, right? Yeah, that's the Trident Coast which is and then the humans are the Trident Coast was yeah that's what he just said can I walk up and study the statue and see if I recognize it

from anything the Baron ever showed me yeah how close you're gonna walk right up to it how big is it 30 feet tall I would get close enough that I can I don't think I need to be right up to it how big is it? 30 feet tall I would get close enough that I can I don't think I need to be right up close to it I'm trying to take in the tentacle thing

and the dwarf thing and see if I recognize either of them so it might tell us what this city is and if I know anything about this dwarf and city alright do a wisdom saving throw ooh 15 Alright, do a wisdom saving throw Ooh 15 For a second

you feel sick as you step close to it and you take a step back Do a history check I tell them that, I'm like, ooh If you get close You got close to the statue and felt sick I got a one on my history you're not sure you do think um i think my tummy is flipsy flopsy you recognize that it's a dwarf and some sort of

strange humanoid that's got tentacles the statue is dangerous maybe it's your memories that are dangerous weird is it he's not in touch it is It is true that TikTok is not in touch with most of his long-term memories. They're not memories. It's someone else's. It's Terrell's nieces. But you did have to step reasonably close within about 15 feet to get a good look in the dim lighting because the beams of light coming through the cracks in the mountain

are not hitting it directly. Could anyone detect curses or evil? Yeah, I can detect evil. I will do that. No evil. Margeek? What's going on, Maeve? Do you have detect magic?

We don't have any. Do any of you have detect magic? Are you casting detect magic? I just cast a spell. I prefer to see a slot. Does anyone else have it? I have it. I can throw it up. Yes, the statue is definitely magical. I can create light. I can do that.

I press to digitate like a little flame. You light up the room. You get a better look at it. There are strange additional limbs coming out of this monstrosity. The skull is oddly tall for any humanoid you've ever seen and there's a strange pronged

helm on it. The dwarf looks very powerful. It looks like it's some sort of symbolic dwarf just from a really basic glance. How old is this? Is this a recent statue? Do a history check. Oh, that's better. That's a hmm, a four.

TikTok don't know. Can I pray to Valkyr for a religion check? Can I take a look at this fucking thing? First Sarah? can i take a look at this fucking thing first first sarah seven you guys are rolling so low uh uh yeah i mean it looks like maybe a dwarven hero or god or something you're not sure i kicked the statue but you're you're not getting much of a sense from valkyr you're what are you doing with the statue there, Dr. Uid? Taking a look at it. I'm scratching my chin. I rolled a 15 plus 8, which is a 22 for an Arcana check.

You think that there is some sort of spell cast on this. This is the dwarven city of Bruft. Bruft. Bruft. you think that uh there's there's either a curse put on this statue that is not necessarily evil in nature or there is just a spell meant here to ward off people but it was uh it was definitely done uh to ward off non-dwarves and uh it looks like this statue is symbolic of some sort of struggle between a dwarven god and an evil being. Can we get past it?

With that arcana check, you think maybe it is distance related? Maybe if you scoot along the outside walls, maybe? Yeah, let's try to work our way around it. Okay, let's try to scoot. Everybody scoot. Everybody stay against the wall. Stay as far and close to the wall as you can. Hi, Brian.

We were talking about the scooting thing. We're scooting. Boot scooting boogie. Oh, hey. Now that your cans are back on. Yeah. We're going to stay close to the wall. I was a member of the Baja, man.

Because I just let the dog out. Wait, I'm sorry. The logic behind the track. I missed the subject line of that sentence. Who? Oh, I did. Who? Oh, okay.

You let the dogs out. So, whom, whom? Dear Lord. You head down. Dear Lord, let them back down. You scoot around the circular room to the next uh passage and this hallway starts to open up really quick into an expanse and there is a broken stone bridge it looks like the bridge comes up from some dark area and the floor and this was originally meant

to be some kind of major walkway into the city proper and now all the magical torches or light sources have burned out um it is now a dark stone bridge and it is difficult to see in front of you and there's just empty expanse in all directions are there torches but not lit you can't tell but you do just from a very basic amount of dwarven culture know that normally with a big wide expanse underground like this it is partially lit it is not meant to be so dark and dead looking but I mean can we light something

in here? you tell me I can light a fire like you don't need to ask my permission to light a fucking torch I'm saying light a torch and then light the the braziers or anything you don't see well how to put the expans is all the way to the sides and behind you. Once you kind of go down this hallway out of the circular room, it opens up.

Got it. It's no longer a hallway but a bridge. And so there's like a 10-foot wide bridge and then no visible walls to any sides except behind you. And then in front of you, it's just black and more bridge. Can they go towards the edge and look down? Yeah. All right. Are you doing it with any kind of light source or are you just looking?

I mean, I can press the digitate fire. Okay. That's what I would like. So a little mote of flame opens up and you look down and it looks like it's at least you know, I mean, 100 feet. You don't see a bottom. Look out, y'all. That's quite a drop.

Y'all come from... I'm experimenting. I like it. I like it a lot. I'm not so sure. I'll grow on you. You head down the bridge a little more and there is a gap in the bridge.

It's only about five feet wide to get to the other side, but it looks like something did strike the bridge and it is not complete for about five feet wide. So can we just jump across? You can try. Yeah, it's five feet. Do a little athletics check, everybody, if you're jumping across.

If you're doing it. If you want, I can fly across and rope you. Yeah, maybe just to be safe. Yeah, let's do that. I'll fly across and throw a rope back. Can you just fly us each across? I could do that too, sure. I hang on tight to him.

All right. None of you are much of a strength problem except for TikTok, so you pretty easily get everyone across. But when it comes time to pick up TikTok, I'm going to need you to do a little strength check. All right. And Queep lifts up the mechanical man

in his velveteen suit. I'd say 18. Yeah, no problem. You managed to get him up. Can you read my mind? You walk a little further and... You're such a kidder. Out of nowhere, you suddenly see the other end of the bridge

as if by magic, a bunch of sconces light up on a wall. And you just see the other end of the bridge as as if by magic a bunch of sconces light up on a wall and you just see the whole thing lights up with magical torches including behind us or just ahead? No just ahead behind you it's still strangely dark I stayed at a double tree like this once during a conference

and what do we see now that there's light? Another hallway another opening ahead of you um the there is a little bit of a landing ahead it does look like it's just a standard city gate used to probably be populated by a handful of guards and it is now vacated there's no sign of life dead or there's no tracks there's nothing you want to look for tracks yes absolutely do an investigation check uh 20 beautiful yeah you see a bunch of tracks what are you looking for looking for fresh i'm looking for are they all going you see both old and fresh all going on basically the same trail it It looks like everything is pointed into this hallway.

You don't see anyone coming out. This is the way. Darkthir, does this line up with your knowledge of the underworld? Yeah. Yeah, what do you want? Do you want to have any additional insight? You can do what they call an insight check. Sure, yeah.

Go for it. Oh, woof. A whiff do nice guys seriously so uh dark the role to one um that that will uh mean that you have kind of a blink blink moment where you're just unable to play as much a dwarven culture and even though you know a fair amount of of you know drow in the underdark. You're just, you, it suddenly feels as if you're not really in touch with what dwarves would arrange their cities. Like maybe when you find your mother, it will help. Whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, in a good way. That's all right. I want to help you find your mother. Tick tock.

You and I need to have a sequence later where we walk along the beach and talk about things. My body is changing. Soft focus. Okay, so we're just going the way that you did. I was distracted because I was looking up fairy fire. Is that something you can use?

I've never had this. I'm going off memory because I do love drow a fair bit. I do believe fairy fire is something you cast on an antagonistic target. That's what I'm reading. It outlines your target. It outlines your target and makes it easier to hit. Anyone attacking gets advantage or you get disadvantage on saving throws, something like that.

So there isn't something where he can kind of yeah you don't get to like uh uh you know a way of eliminating uh no but you have tiktok tiktok can do press a digitation um and right i was seeing if i could do something like now exactly now that it's lit up can we do we see more over the edge of the bridge well when you uh look over the edge of the bridge well when you uh look over the edge of the bridge here yes it does look like uh it goes at least about 200 feet down down down and it looks like you can see some maybe distant bottom of this pit it looks just like rough stone at the bottom but the the surface of the city you're going into is very sheer and the magical torches built into it look like they're meant to

symbolize civilization and it looks like this is meant to be the front of the city. Magic torches? Mm-hmm. They all lit up when you approached. When you crossed the bridge and took a few steps. You're looking at your book. You're on a timer. It's obviously not magic.

If I go to one. Yeah, you know, Christmas tree. Are the torches removable? Could I take one on the sconce and just have it so we could have a magic torch? They're not within arm's reach. Get you high up.

You do have a flying Aarakocra with you if you wanted to chance it. Do we not have torches? We have regular torches. Maybe while we're in the Dwarf City we might want to have a magic torch. Maybe they'll be mad we took one of their magic torches. Let's just go, guys.

Okay. Take a torch. No, take a torch and go. That's up to Cuckoo Bird. He wants to ride you up to get a torch. I'm just concerned we're defacing their... Yeah, let's not. Oh, like they might be offended?

Their entrance, yeah. We're okay, anyway. When I show up, it's like walking into City Hall with a light street lamp. You head into a main hall and there's... They hate that. And it's 1932. And you're giving them the business. It looks like there's some piles of canvas and sticks and frameworks where there used to be huts.

There used to maybe be shops in this main hall here. And it's all either been knocked down or destroyed. There's no corpses, but it does feel very dead in here. There's a few magical torches lit, but it's a little dimmer in the main hall here. Do they look ransacked, these

discarded huts? At first glance, they look like this place has been scavenged heavily. And based on the amount of footprints that you saw earlier, you would think a lot of travelers have come through here there's nothing here you have in front of you three main options you can keep heading in which you would know to be east or you can go a little farther down the hall and it looks like there is actually a side tunnel to the left and to the right. Does anyone speak or read Dwarvish?

Can I try again to see if I know where we are? Not in like an insight, like do you know about Dwarven culture? Everyone can do a perception check. I don't speak Dwarvish. But I would recommend everyone double check their character sheet if they don't know whether they speak or read Dwarvish. Everyone can do a perception check. I don't speak Dwarvish. But I would recommend everyone double check their character sheet if they don't know whether they speak or read Dwarvish. Check your languages.

I'm Gnomish. I'm Elvish Celestial. I'm Elvish. Do you know what? Let me take a stab at it because I know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff. I don't want to get into it. Do you have a proficiency that would help you? No, I rolled a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff. I don't want to get into it. Do you have a proficiency that would help you?

No, I rolled a six anyway. But I just thought I'd get it out there. All right, can I search? I'm just going to quickly search for any kind of markings on the walls. Yeah, there's dwarven runes everywhere. None of it looks familiar. What's undercommon? Undercommon is sort of the version of common in the deep, deep cities beneath the earth,

like, say, a drow city in the underdark. Okay, cool. So what is it called? Durgar? Like those dark dwarves know it? I just assumed when that guy said, whoever speaks dwarven will see the human sign. I just assumed that somebody did. He said, if any of you speak dwarven.

I know, I just assumed that meant that somebody did. But I made an ass. Tell me what kind of role you're doing again. Just be as specific as you can. Perception or no use. Yeah, perception. Anyone who wants to just do a perception check to get their bearings, it does at this point feel like you have three choices

with no clear obvious answer. Other than north, south, east are your three obvious. I got 18. Seven. Well, which way was Bozor, guys? Bozor is west. And our choices, he said, once we go deep. He did say that, yes.

He said we got to go deep. So I think first we're trying to go down, and then ultimately we're trying to head west. What were all your rolls again? I heard some low numbers. 11. 18. That's a good one. What was it what was the uh perception

perception yeah uh it was uh 16 all right tick tock you're able to surmise uh just from the sort of layout of everything that it is the southern tunnel that seems to have the most tracks leading in and out of it. It looks like if you head north, there is residential areas. And if you head east, there are more sort of tents that have been knocked down. And it looks like more of a commercial area where people used to have shops and such set up. The path heads south. Tents were knocked down. Yep. It looks like whatever kind of shops were set up here The path heads south. Tents were knocked down.

Yep. It looks like whatever kind of shops were set up here in the main halls have all been destroyed or ransacked. When this was a city, this was the market. Like they had a festival maybe that didn't go so well that they heavily promoted based on an app. Fire

Festival. Look it up. Fire with a Y. Have you watched both of them no I've only seen the Netflix one but it's what's the other one on Hulu

there's two docs about it there's two I heard the Hulu the Hulu one I heard it's sort of more funny sort of

about the absurdity of it everyone's talking about the Netflix one the Netflix one was fucking good I heard they're both good yeah

there's like different sort of camps that say you should watch Hulu first and then Netflix. It's too late for me to watch Hulu first. There's also one on Nickelodeon. Oh, yeah.

A lot of extra slime in that one. Oh, man. More slime than the outtakes of Bohemian Rhapsody. Which camera am I in? Oh, dear God. I'm on two for this one. You want to I in? Oh, dear God. I'm over here. Okay, cool. I'm on two for this one.

Pick that one up, Milt. Can we get a camera on Sarah's face? No. I'm just kidding. Jesus Christ. I didn't mean that. Sam is actually there with the camera. It was a theoretical camera. We're just trying to communicate.

No, Samuel? We're just trying to communicate. Yeah, no. Samuel? We're just trying to communicate to the listener that Sarah was what they call unimpressive attention. So you head south. School mom Sarah.

School mom. You guys, I don't know what it is. He did make a sour face. My word. I don't know if listeners know, but Sarah is what the... I always feel bad. I don't want to...

John Lithgow footloose character was based on. How old do you think I am? He thinks you hate dancing. My age? I don't even know who Footloose is. Who's Footloose? Kevin Bacon.

What? That's right. I forget. His character's name is Footloose. Footloose shows up to the town and he says right. I forget his character's name is Footloose. Footloose shows up to the town. He says, you guys, I'll show you how to Footloose. He teaches John Lithgow to dance. It's just two characters in the whole movie. Down, down, down, down.

Two guys down, down, down. Check it out, John Lithgow. Footloose is dancing. All right, well, I'm going to put on my exploring shoes and get back into this game we like to call Dungeons & Dragons. Let's do it. You head into this southern tunnel and it spirals downwards. You get what feels like about two big circular waves down

before there is a sudden side tunnel and it continues to spiral downwards again i'll look for the path you're just trying to see where the most foot traffic is well you said there's a side tunnel and then keep going down yeah there's like a little opening like a stone door in the side of this spiral path it's an open i mean it's like an open archway i peek through the archway you see what looks like it used to be a some kind of residential setup almost like an inn looks like you see a counter dark there tries to uh maybe some remnants of supplies you're not sure check out the situation too okay you peek in you see the same thing um it's uh well you're trying to like loot it where are you looking for exactly just to see thing um it's uh you're gonna well you're trying to like loot it

where are you looking for exactly just to see if it's like where you want to go yeah it seems smaller and more claustrophobic when you kind of peek in there so the other way it has more uh tracks going yeah there's some tracks going in this room but there's more going down the spiral more it looks like this spiral is it continues to be a main thoroughfare for a while we need to roll to notice that? No. There's a lot of foot traffic in the dust. There's a thin layer of dust that looks like a couple years old on the walls and on the sides of the floor.

While we're staying in there, can I just stop and listen? Is anybody following us? Are we alone? Do a perception check. Ten. So you hold up a hand and try to signal to everybody to be quiet for a second, and you just sort of hear the sounds of dust

landing against your stone skin. I wish we had that. Sound effect. Is that a sound? Dust landing? Yeah. It sounds like this. Room tone.

We replaced it with the sound of dog toenails. Oh, God, what are you talking about? You didn't hear? She just was walking through the room. Oh, okay, okay. No, I was just not paying attention. It wasn't quite as bad as... I'm so used to Mavis walking around.

But it's not as noisy as Ernie. I was so in the world of the game, I was just like, what do you mean dog town? Ernie. Sorry. You don't sense anyone following you and you're still sort of at the precipice of what seems to be a dwarven inn or something. Gonna keep

heading down? Yeah. You head down a little bit and it straightens out all of a sudden into a long path. On the walls of this new hall, you see what looks like obsidian carvings of dwarfs with something sparkly in them. And the hall continues down into some very dim light. There's no more magical torches outside of the spiral area, so as this tunnel straightens out, it's dark and only you with dark vision can get to see pretty clear. Is there a grabbable torch in the spiral

area? The ceiling's, again, it's about 30 feet tall, so all the torches are high up to cast dramatic shadows, and you could potentially have one pulled down if the flying member of your party wanted to go for it. Yeah, I'll grab a torch.

Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Queep says as he flaps his way up and grabs a magical torch off the wall. I'll fly it back down. What's your name? Queep! Got a problem

with that? How did that one get past me? It quepped past me. Queep. Got a problem with that? How did that one get past me? It quipped past me. Queep. Dumb. So you are able to light it up in more sparkles. I'll hand him the torch.

More sparkles reflect off of whatever is laid in these obsidian dwarven carvings. Can someone detect magic on these carvings? Do they seem magical? Anybody? Does anyone have it as a cantrip? I only have it as a spell. I can probably still have it

going at this point. How long does detect magic last? Ten minutes. When did you just use it? Yeah, I mean, this took a little more than ten minutes to get down this far into the tunnels. Okay, we were at the dwarf thing. Yeah, by the time you get down to these tunnels, it's been longer than ten minutes.

You've traveled down that spiral a fair bit. What are you trying to do? On the carvings? Yeah. I'm going to pray to Valkyr. Maybe he knows something about this. Can I perceive anything about these? Perception check too, sure. 18. 16. You walk up and you immediately see there are gems inlaid in these

obsidian carvings. They're not diamonds. Leave those there. They're not diamonds. You get a little bit of a sense from Valkyr that there's something special here, but that's about it. May I point something out?

For as many people have traveled here, if these diamonds or gems are still here, maybe we should leave them here as well. I agree. You get about a couple football fields into this hall when you start seeing ice on the ground.

And it doesn't take much looking around to notice that the stone in the ceiling is cracked open and it looks like a vein of the magical ice that sort of corrupted the whole continent has made its way into the city here. And the walls are coated in a thin

layer of unnatural ice. It's a damn shame. In Canada, they call it Molson. You're not sure how long this is going to last, but you can tell with the magical torch that the hallway is going to go on for a while

and the ice continues for the visible future. Not now. When we have access to it, we should take the regular ice to see if magic affects it. Not now. Or if we can melt it and drink it. We can just put flame to it and see if even that, does it react like normal ice? We could just put flame to it and see if it, even that, does it react like normal ice.

When you hold a flame to it, it does not react like normal ice. It's magic not melting ice. It doesn't melt right away. It doesn't melt as fast as you thought it would. But it does melt. Oh, it does melt. How long do you hold the torch to it? Long enough to melt.

12 hours. The torch's magical fire it's it's it's you hold it long regular torches don't we have regular torches yeah do you light a regular torch magical torch does not affect it however a regular torch when holding it there a little longer than usual does eventually kind of weaken the ice in a slight way where it's kind of wet but it doesn't actually melt as much of it away as you had hoped. Does it seem like it's water or is it some other

substance? Do a nature check. It's a gel. Druid should probably. Yeah. Hey, do you have a proficiency for this Dr. Druid? Doctor. I'm rolling. Roll it twice. Twice for advantage, my friend 19 and 21 you feel

like this water or whatever it is the ice melts into is toxic in nature yeah oh so it's vitamin water yeah a little high in corn syrup. There's something in it that makes it not water. Hmm. Like vitamin water. Yeah, you wouldn't drink this to rehydrate yourself, Dr. Ruud. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Just like

vitamin water. Thanks, Rhodes, for getting me out of this bit. We're at about an hour, so why don't we just, I'll say this, up ahead there's, you walk a little bit farther and in the ice you see what looks like very brittle ice and very thin strands blocking the way. And it looks fresh-ish. There's still footprints breaking through into the dust on the ice. breaking through into the dust on the ice. So you do see some kind of vague, obvious tracks that lead ahead,

but almost as if it's grown over it. There's very thin spiderweb-like strands of ice that looks very brittle. And we'll call it. Great. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened in today's episode? Oh, do you want to hear my notes? Sure. Okay, so we went to a cave.

Stealth checks, you know, if you make it in. Ones are bad. The clock man has an aggressive sexual energy. Dan said kick rocks, but nobody made a go kick rocks joke, and I thought that was off brand for this. At the door, the man said halt, and then we bartered, and Dan's British voice sounds like Michael Caine in The Prestige. Now we got currency, and we gave gold or diamonds like it's Reddit.

And someone made fun of our robes. Volshek is a barter man. Something was not a sea creature. Brian's Baja man joke really got me. Someone struck the bridge. There's magical torches. The bridge is high. Bozer is here.

We found an inn. We're in some hall now with Thorpe stuff. Ken's some sort of bird. The walls are covered in unnatural ice and everyone keeps saying ice and torch a lot. Thanks so much for listening everybody. Nailed it. We need to do this every time. You have a new

job. That felt great. And I just want to say if your notes get sloppier, great. Don't worry about it. Also, was any of that wrong? Where's the lie? Ken is some sort of bird. I didn't hear the kick rocks thing. I hope you have very basic revelations like that every episode.

He's right. It's been seven years. You're very basic. You're very basic. So I have a monthly show at the Lyric Hyperion in LA now that has sold out two months in a row. So come check out the filling at Lyric Hyperion. I host with Tail Lux. The lineups are great.

You should buy tickets in advance. That's all I got to say. Okay. That pitch got quieter and quieter. I was like, you know what? Instead of saying the names of the lineup, I'm just going to get real sexy for a minute. All right. Put that in your notes.

I'm just going to do what I've heard sexy people do. I Alright. Put that in your notes. I'm just gonna do what I've heard sexy people do. I've got a bunch of tour dates on BrianPassane.com and my book's still out. Forever Nerdy. They didn't pull it? Nope.

It's on some band lists. One dude set it on fire. Because he thought Kaepernick liked it. It's on some band lists. One dude set it on fire. Wow. Because he thought Kaepernick liked it. Did he? No, he didn't. We've got to get Kaepernick that book.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.