Nerd Poker - Episode 32 - The End Has Started

Episode Date: November 29, 2017

Wait, what's that about a final sacrifice? What the hell is this last vampire? Are our heroes way way too late? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons and Dragons. We've got 5th edition, and we're ready.

So are you ready? Here's Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Hey, guys. It's Rose from Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker, and you're listening to Dungeons & Dragons. Thanks, buddy. Good job. That's one of the best ones.

Thanks, buddy. Hey, everybody. Bye, guys. See you next time. Next time. Next time. Next episode. Whoa, Rose just disappeared in a puff of smoke.

See you, buddy. I love you. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Pessain. You're listening to Brian Pessain's Nerd Poker. You already said that. You know what's happening. You already know.

So we've got Ken, Dan, Blaine. Hey, hi. Oh, and Sam. Hey. Hey, Sam. What episode is this? Oh, by the way, way Sam we need a warp drive and more power

to the front deflectors or we're all dead she's gonna take anymore we're in episode 32 and holy crap wow yeah

we're finally people you can't trust is that OJ Simpson's number by the way it's a weird I would never think a sports fact but I think it's

OJ Simpson's number isn't it thank you to Dylan Lidguard one of our Patreon supporters. Man, I fucking love Dylan. Guard that lid, man. You ever see that thing where Dylan and Lennon were in that limousine listening to nerd poker? Thank you, Boris Gudenover.

Thanks, Boris. Thank you, Brian Mecca. Thanks, Brian. Nice name. I bow down to you. Thank you. Three times a day. Thank you, Marlburo. I'll say. Not a real person.

Doesn't sound like it. You were going to say, Brian? Can you say that name again, and I'm going to try to come up with a Marlboro Man joke. Thank you. One of our very special Patreon supporters goes by the name of Marlburo. Oh.

Go, oh. Go, Blake. There were four consecutive hers that all died after portraying the Marl... Oh, jeez. Forget it. Sam, where are those deflector shields? I remember

what I was going to say is how we've been having fun doing the Patreon bonus episodes. And the ones last night, we recorded last night, were insane. Yeah, it was a blast. They should woke me up by the time this goes live. Definitely. And you should check them out. Because I don't know when we're going to put them on.

I'm sure over the holiday weekend they'll both. Right. But they'll be available only on Patreon for sure over the holiday weekend, they'll both. Right. But they'll be available only on Patreon for quite a while. And they're super funny. And yeah, I mean, eventually we've talked about maybe doing something like selling an album of all the stuff together on iTunes.

But I mean, you're missing at this point, like, you know, 12, 14. We're in it. Hours of just like goofballness.

Yeah. But, and then if you're a music fan at all last night, it was like people are nerding out about the photos that we put up of having Scott Ian here and Joe Tron. Yeah, because Blaine brought guitars and all three of them were jamming out. It was nuts.

I just brought the guitars for Brendan. Did you not know Scott and Joe were going to be here? It was just guitars that I knew that I had been telling Brendan about. Right. Yeah, having them all in a room was kind of insane. Yeah, and I was like, oh, wow. It's also amazing to see other guitar guys not know the comparison that Japanese guitar

that you brought. Those guys were all kind of blown away by it. The GMP, too, the one that was made for Duff. Right. It's such a great one. It was a fun night. Are we going to start? And three, where's Rhodes? Are we going to

level up? I think we're going to take a break so we can level up because we're all level seven now. I want to do this off mic real quick just because I feel like once we start... No one wants to hear me roll hit points and cheat. Here, let me do an impression of Brian rolling hit points.

God damn it. So, music cue. And we're back. Yep. Can't wait to roll these dice, you guys. Cool. But you know what? So we're all level 7. You know what's even better to roll these dice you guys cool but you know what so we're all level seven you know it's even better to roll the boulder that was keeping jesus christ locked up in his crotch yeah finally somebody telling the truth

that was an inside joke that was just for the writer's room out there. That joke was a little bit like Brian Bo saying, hide outside. Hide inside now. You guys all have some more hit points, so I get to take just a little bit longer to kill you. It's so fun. Yeah.

You have a... It sounds like Tim Allen fell down the stairs. Oh, I forget if I brought it up. Maybe more people speak Klingon than Tim Allen. There's this great mashup fake mashup that someone did of um they're at one point tim allen did a weird joke on home improvement where he talks about cleaning teeth with your bones and so someone i think it was might have been click hole but like they're like here's a mash up of every time Tim Allen has said clean my teeth

with your bones and they cut together like 30 different scenes from Home Improvement and dubbed in the same line of clean your just like over and over again clean your teeth with my bones

you know Pam can't believe you didn't make chicken tonight so I, clean your teeth with my bones. You know, Pam, can't believe you didn't make chicken tonight so I could clean my teeth with your bones. It's the weirdest fucking video, but it made me laugh. There was a guy that, somebody went through Doom, the old Doom, and every

sound effect was Tim Allen going, like the guns are shooting at you. Very weird. It's like Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich. So yes, speaking of Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, no, that doesn't segue at all.

You guys have a disgraced vampire, an elder druid, a bunch of elves, and you have landed at the foot of the woods where you began the campaign. You've encountered a vampire named Count Fenzen at the edge of these woods. And, you know, you guys were kind of chilling in Lehman's tiny hut, resting up, trying to relearn spells before heading in there. And you noticed that there was what looked like a barefoot monk smoking a pipe, sort of looking around. When you popped out of the hut, you attacked him without any...

Because Barriss told you, Count Barriss, your vampire pal, disgraced one, said, Oh, that's Count Fenz. And so. What are you going to do, right? What are you going to do? Well, you pop a couple of crossbow bolts into him if your name is Bodhi. So you did that and he crumpled to the ground dead. And then out from the woods came another barefoot monk, this time a female.

And she said, welcome to Amina. How can I help you? Yeah, we realize he's controlling them. Or I think he is controlling them. Yeah, he did confess in the last couple minutes of episode 31 that, you know, he is somewhere in the woods controlling this vessel. He said that we're all going to die together. It's going to be beautiful.

It's happening soon. Well, let's go find him and stop him from doing that. Yeah. Let's go die together, you guys. It's going to be beautiful. I read these pamphlets that the Count gave me. So you say.

I look forward to figuring out how you do that. In the meantime, Count Fenzen reaches into one of his sleeves, or her sleeves. Again, the gender is a bit debatable at this point. This is the monk person. Gender is a bit debatable at this point. This is the monk person. Pulls out a small sort of dark yellowish brown silk cushion,

places it on the thin air, and hops up on it and kind of sits cross-legged in the air on this little cushion. Daughter Judy. So, and we're outside of a swamp? Yeah. I mean, it looks like woods, but you know from your map that there's a swamp sort of once you get into the woods. Right. The ground is very swampy. That's where the people went insane when we first got here.

This is where we are. When we first got here last year, right? It's where that guy that we met went insane in the woods, right? Yeah. Oh, that front place. Yeah, right there. Yeah, okay. Well, how are we doing?

And Confesson says, it's too late, it's too late. Good. Too late for what? And also says, thank you, it's been a long time since steel cut into me. I'd almost forgot what it felt like. I rather enjoyed it. It was addictive. It was thrilling to be cut down by a bolt.

I mean, I felt the vein be pierced, and I want it to happen again. I wonder what that would be like. Weird ASMR footage. And she kind of presses her first finger and thumb together and holds it up, takes the first finger and thumb of her other hand, presses those two sort of fingertip pairings together, pulls them apart, and a long sort of needle-like blade appears. And she pinches it between her thumb

and her first finger and her right hand. Okay. Can we walk past this? She starts inserting it into her left forearm over and over again. That's gross. Well, let's... We gotta cut her. Leave her to her

cutting. And maybe we should move on to the food court. Shouldn't be hanging it out by the hot topic. Are you gonna try to walk past her into the woods? Yeah. Alright, well you walk past her and she leans

over her shoulder and says, you know, there's a lot of things looking for you right now. That's cool. I'm a part of a network. I'm a part of a community here. I'm a part of the Demolith's voice.

I'm connected through blood to many, many things hunting you. Have you ever heard of a dog whistle? Are you familiar with what a dog whistle is? Oh my god, I hate this thing. She

points to the back of her head where her neck meets her skull and says, right here in the back of her head where her neck meets her skull and says, right here in the back of my mind, I have a whistle. And all I need to do is without even... I cut her head off. What'd you roll? Four plus what?

Eleven. Eleven. All right. So her head gets lopped clean off. Okay. Rolls to the ground. The body that was sitting on the cushion sits there for a second and then becomes unsuspended and plops next to the male figure. Okay, good.

Let's keep going. It's pretty sweet, bro. As you start walking between the trees, a third monk figure appears before you. I slash at it immediately. As you pull your sword back and says... No, I don't even want to hear it. It says,

Boring beast. Don't you know? I wouldn't talk to you if I didn't think it was interesting. If it's fighting you want, I wouldn't bother with this form if I thought fighting was the most interesting thing to do.

Hey, why don't you take us to who's making you talk, please? Would you like to give me a reason? Just do it. We're going to make things interesting for you. We have lots to talk about. Really? We're going to cure your boredom. You're going to cure your boredom. You're going to cure my boredom?

This time it is male and so it's rubbing its hands together and says, well that's good because I feel if you had cut me down one more time this would be a bit tedious and I would have to blow the dog whistle

as it were. You blow a dog. Whistle. Whistle. He says, so tell me why I should bring you to the thing that's controlling me. I told you you were going to cure me. Because we asked nicely. The elves, by the way, are following you,

but they've got arrows drawn, and they're a little spooked by this. They don't like this whole same voice through three people thing. I get it. Count Barriss is kind of grinding his teeth. The thing turns to him and says, So, Barriss, I never would have guessed that you would betray your brothers.

This is quite silly. I mean, look, they're even cutting down my human form. This is special. Human form is special. If I wanted to throw these away, I'd bring out the elf forms. Those are the disposable ones.

Barriss starts shaking his head and looking around the trees and trying to figure out some other tactic. He clearly wants to cut this one down too, but he's looking for something else.

Seems awful cowardly, hiding behind other forms. Oh, well, if you found my true form, you could kill me very easily, I'm sure. Let's go, then. I'm so weak. Come find me if that's what you want. We're coming. Come find me. God, I you want. We're coming. Come find me. God, I don't like Fenzhen.

Come find me. Okay, we're coming. The monk starts following you very closely now and is saying, come find me. That monk's going to sleep tonight. The elves follow you deeper into the woods. The ground is starting to get stickier. What are we, at the arc light?

We'll be right back. You start noticing the trees are very thin. You remember this from before. They're almost bamboo-like, and you're seeing long thin black shadows darting around almost as if there are trees moving and casting shadows against the other trees hmm the monk keeps taunting you trying to get you to talk to it trying to get you to reveal to it, trying to get you to reveal something about yourselves.

How about this? Why don't we wait outside the forest and you come to us? Is that what you want? I'd love that. Alright. See, there's really two ways we can do this. I mean, you can keep

wandering through the muck, I assume, looking for me, looking for... Let's get me bored. Looking for my master, or I can blow the dog whistle, which is what the master would rather I do. I mean, the master would much rather the Demolith, I should say, for I am as much Count Fenzin as I think you'll ever see. But the Demolith would love for me to blow the dog whistle. He finds you very tedious he doesn't he doesn't like this i mean i told my brothers don't allow powerful people onto the

island only powerless slaves will be any fun but you know they're all these humanoids with culture they're so tedious so they said oh let's bring some mercenaries. Let's bring some wizards. They'll be good slaves too. So tedious. I know. I imagine it's pretty boring puppeting other people to do your bidding. But I find it amusing that you want to find me, little old me.

So that's reason enough not to blow the whistle. That's exactly what I'm talking about. So do you want to go to the edge of the woods and I'll come to you, or do you want to come find me? Come on over here. The monk walks up to you and He's got to tell us if he's

a cop. The monk walks up to you, Tom, and locks eyes with you. Do a perception check. All right. So, geez. You notice for a moment that its eyes seem to, for a nanosecond, kind of grow closer together in its skull, and then part either way. And you look down, and your armor appears to be burning.

It's glowing, and there's fire coming from underneath your armor. Is it hot? You don't feel anything yet. You don't feel anything yet You guys notice that Tom's armor appears to be on fire Okay Hey, your armor's on fire

I don't feel anything Also your shirt Do a wisdom saving throw 14 Do a wisdom saving throw. 14. 17. I really want to destroy this thing, even though it's just a vessel. So... I just hate it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate being talked to. It reminds me of that thing in that heavy metal, in the movie Heavy Metal, that the guy, the shirtless guy, just always droning the first story in that movie. I meant to tell you guys, I really identify with that character. You take four points of burning damage

as you realize you are on fire. All right. Now, you are an infernal being. You are a... Yeah, resistant to it. A tiefling. So you find it strange that it's hurting as much as it is. What color is the fire?

It's sort of like a very bluish, purple-y kind of fire. That sounds kind of eldritch. Wow. What are you going to do? Where are you? I'm right in front of you. He starts very gently tracing a finger up and down your tiefling horn coming out of your head. My God.

Now, how do I know this is you and not just you controlling another being? Well, it's not me, me. That's what I'm saying. I want to talk to you. I don't need this bullshit in between. But you're just going to murder me. I'm not me, me. That's what I'm saying. I want to talk to you. I don't need this bullshit in between. But you're just going to murder me. I'm hoping to, yeah. So why would I?

Your logic is so... You said you were bored. I'm trying to make things interesting for you. I'm starting to be bored in a new way. So I'll tell you what. I'm going to make things as bad for you as I can without blowing the whistle.

And then if I get scared, if I get scared, I'll blow the whistle. Oh my god. This might be that time I went to a Christmas party with Charlie Sheen. Tom, do a constitution saving throw.

16. All right. This time you managed to do okay, but you definitely feel a horrible feeling in your stomach as he locks eyes with you again. He's definitely trying to cast some kind of spells or something like that against you just to fuck with you. You're, by the way, still on fire.

Yeah, I understand that. Let's see. Can I cover his head with something? Do another attempt at a wisdom saving throw first. Nine plus... You take another... Nope. No.

You take another two points of damage. You're up to six now. I'm burning up over here, guys. Hey, where were we trying to go here? Were we heading for a castle? Yeah, Barriss says yes, there is a castle somewhere in the marshes. And as he says that, you feel a darkness growing above your heads. All right.

What's this darkness look like? Is it dark? Magical blackness. Magical blackness. Magical blackness. You can see less and less of the trees above you. Okay. You look down and you notice the ground is starting to get thicker with water, with mud, with wet mud.

Maybe I'll splash some of that on my burning. Your boots are starting to sink. Is it putting out any of the fire? No, because your ankles are covered at this point. The fire is mostly your chest and stomach and the back of your torso. So if I throw some blood on that, does that do anything? No. All right, so I'm flying.

Okay. How high up are you going to fly? I'm just going to kind of fly nap of earth right now, maybe five feet just to sort of stay out of things. Is the blackness in every direction, or is it just sort of localized? As you go five feet off the ground, your ears pop and you feel a whoom right over your head. You can't see what happened,

but you feel like something just swung at you from above. Brian? Well, I want to slash at this guy in front of Ken and see if that stops him from getting the hot tits or whatever. The hot tits? Go for it. 16. That's a hit.

Yep. Oh, and I... Shit, I didn't rage. That is enough to gut him and his intestines leak out of his abdomen. Okay, cool. And he falls face first into the mud. All right.

I didn't even roll damage. You don't need to. Okay. Am I still burning? Cool. Yes. Let's... Oh, shit. I didn't even roll damage. You don't need to. Okay. Am I still burning? Cool. Yes. Let's, uh, oh shit. Didn't help. Didn't help. Um,

fuck. Do you have anything that can help him reverse that magic? Uh, is it his armor that's burning? It looks almost as if he is on fire under his armor that's burning or is it just it looks almost as if he is on fire under his armor like his skin

caught fire under his armor that's a shame hmm Blaine your ears pop as you feel another invisible bus pass about an inch over your head okay I'm going to you feel another invisible bus pass about an inch over your head.

Okay, I'm going to kind of cruise along underneath this thing. Is there an edge to this cloud, or is it just in every direction? Yeah, it's about 10 feet above your head, but the sound seems so close when your ears pop that it doesn't seem like it's even as far up as the blackness. When your ears pop. That it doesn't seem like it's even as far up as the blackness. Can I sort of like swim along below it? And kind of try to find an edge to it? You mean like get a little closer?

I just want to maybe get above it and see what's happening. Okay, so straight up into the blackness and see. No, but maybe kind of go around it. If it was not going up into a storm cloud but around it trying to figure out where this okay so you're gonna like try and zip around and find as fast as i can yeah um cool uh so you go around and you you get like within you know, let's just say the 30 seconds I'm giving you before other stuff starts to happen. You get like a, I don't know, 20-yard radius sort of around, and you can't find the edge of it visually. It looks like the sky is falling, so to speak. Okay.

All right. Is there anything... Do I detect anything coming in from any different directions on the ground? Not yet. Okay. Right now, it almost feels like it is a sideways Star Wars trash compactor, where instead of the walls coming in in the ground and the sky are both smooshing

slowly or slowly. Okay. Because you can see the blackness sort of creeping down the edges of the trees and the ground slowly filling with water. Let's see. I'm going to actually do a computer roll. Should we start moving? Yeah. let's see should we

start moving yeah in or out a small group of the elves say that they see something and they fire some arrows up into the upper blackness nothing happens but

huh they swear that one of them says that it saw legs all of a sudden again something about the size of a bus swoops down and and pegs three of the elves. One of them... The size of a bus. Yeah. It's a large, shiny, metal, kind of gray shape swings down out of the blackness.

Does Barriss have any sort of advice? Yeah, Barriss, what's going on? And hits one of the elves for seven points of damage. Another one for 13 points of damage. I'm sorry, 12 points of damage. And another one for four points of damage. It just gets kind of grazed. But one of them got pinned up against a tree,

and his arm is kind of janky now. Jeez. Barriss says, yeah, you know, when I said that it was like I was fighting the air back in my castle, this is kind of the stuff that started happening. I felt like I was seeing shit,

like the fabric of reality was starting to get ripped apart. I think he's toying with us. All right. Forn Meyer starts shouting to the elves to get low and aim high. And if anything like that swoops out of the sky again, to either hit it or grab it. He doesn't want it to get away.

Does Barriss have any ideas about my fire and how to put it out? Well, as that thing swooped out, it got a little itchy. He took another three points of damage. a little itchy. He took another three points of damage. He says if he had to guess, it's some kind of mental trick.

He's tricking you into thinking you're being burned. I'm feeling the pain. I don't believe the fire. It's not the kind of spells that he... He didn't really do much in the way of casting. He was more of an alchemy kind of guy. So this is...

I am going to concentrate really hard and try to use my mind power against this fire. Okay. Do a... How do I put this? I hope that works. Roll a 20. All right. Nope.

No. Oh, we're out of fast food, you guys. What app can we call to bring us carbs? So, uh... I'm dropping dice. Oh, okay. So you hear a whom, and nothing happens. Then you hear a whom and nothing happens then you hear another whom and something that looks like a large uh bus-sized pill bug slams into forenmeyer in the face i he starts to try

to transform into a bear and grab onto the side of this thing. And it kicks its little feather-like legs in the air. It's got dozens of little feathery legs. Where am I, buddy, and when do I get to do something? Now, because it's trying to pull back up into the black sky. I'm going to rage first. And he's trying to yank it down. A redness appears in your eyes, Bodhi. Why don't everyone roll for initiative?

Nine. What's my new situation on initiative? You get to get advantage on initiative because you're a level seven barbarian. So I rolled 11 plus my normal two initiative. So it's going to be Bodhi. Because of Feral Instinct, is that the thing? Yeah, Feral Instinct.

Yeah. And then Tomlin Twee, I believe. Yes? Yeah. And then we're going to do Fornmeyer and the Elves. And then Barriss. Tom then Tui, I believe. Yes? Yeah. And then we're going to do Vorenmeyer and the Elves. And then Barriss. That's yummy.

Bless you. All right, so... What are you going to do, Bodhi? Are you going to swing at this thing? Swing at the company, Bodie? You gonna swing at this thing? Swing it with the company, Bodie. Yeah. Nine, so 16. Okay. That's a hit.

That's a hit. Mm-hmm. Come on. Nice. Nine, 16. Nice. nice nine plus so 13 is that with the fire damage yep oh so no that was just a rage so 15 15 and then take your second swing Just rage. So, 15. 15, and then take your second swing.

This thing is just... I have too many damn dice here. It's a pill bug looking thing, but is it floating in the air? Yes. Yes. It looks like it's suspended by shadows. Also, while he's hacking at it, you guys notice the body that Fenzin was using as a cipher

is starting to completely disappear beneath the water. The pill bug explodes like a zeppelin and black feathery shadows shoot out of the side of it. The skin falls to the ground like a big iguana skin that got shed and sloughed off. The whole

pill bug collapses like a balloon. Well, that's what I was trying to do. And Fornmeyer kind of rips a big chunk of it with its teeth now that he is bearified. Okay. And, well, that'll come in handy. Stay a bear.

Okay. Okay. Something very tall splashes down into the water from the treetops. It looks like two really long chicken legs. Oh, geez. And they kind of go really long chicken legs. Oh, jeez. And they kind of go, and something starts running towards you guys, and all you can see are its legs

that go 10 feet up into the sky. Hack, hack, hack. Go for it, Tom. We're like a show at the Ice House in the 80s. God. It's Tom. We're like a show at the ice house in the 80s. Can I straight rope across two trees in its path real quick?

You can try real quick. I will. I'm going to say do a... With my super fast hands. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Okay. So do a dex check difficulty eight. All right.

I'm giving you a bonus there. Sweet. So you do it. And when you do that, you take two points of fire damage. With some rope burns. And then this thing gets tripped up. It doesn't fall down, but it kind of does a stumble.

Tweet her up. Can I see what it is up above? No, it's hidden. It goes up into the clouds. Can I go up into the clouds to see it? You want to go up into the shadowy shadows?

Yeah. The inkiness? Yeah, I'm going to go up into the inkiness. Alright, do a wisdom saving throw, please. Eleven. Eleven. My intelligence is a 14.

With a plus 2. Alright, so... Don't I have a new thing at level 7? Or is that just a... I think that's just proficiency. Do I have an increased proficiency at making my saving throws? I don't think so. Okay, so here.

Let's see. How do I describe this? Everything goes white in your eyes when your head hits the black. Okay. Can I breathe? Can I move around? Yes. But you can't see anything.

Get out of there. Huh. All right. Ducking back down. Your ears start ringing a little bit. Okay, I'm not... I'm going to let it go to voicemail and go back down into the woods.

Okay. When you come back down, you feel your feet kind of touch the wetness of the water quicker than you thought they would, and you notice you're still seeing white. Huh. Huh. Interesting.

Your ears are starting to ring a little bit louder. What do you want to do? what do you want to do? I am going to do a little cape of the mountebank and I'm going to zap myself I'm going to say 100 yards off the ground

in a I guess due north I'm just going to try to get away from what's going on and kind of regroup myself a. I'm just going to try to get away from what's going on and kind of regroup myself a little bit. All right, are you going to try and... How far off the ground? Are you going up at an angle?

Are you going straight across? I'm going to go straight across. Just try to stay at the same level to the ground. Just get away from the action for a second. Don't botch an intelligence 20. You said don't. I got a one with a nine after it. Nice.

So you again feel a new splash under your feet, but your vision stays white, and your ears are starting to ring harder, and you feel like something's about to happen inside your head. Bodhi, you're up. No, no, you feel like something's about to happen inside your head. Hmm. Bodhi, you're up. No, no, you're not. Hang on.

You will be up. But first, Forenmeyer dives at one of the giant chicken legs that's running at you and misses. Barriss takes out the sword he got from Count Amalegda's castle. And he hacks at this leg and does a, like, probably not very much damage, but I'm going to find out if he does anything now. He kind of chops at one of its knees, and some arrows fly at it.

Nobody can hit these thin legs. You are up, Bodhi. All right. hit these thin legs, you are up, Bodhi. All right. Obviously, I don't have to say what I'm still doing. You've already raged. Yeah, so, yeah.

18. Nice. That's what we call a hit. Yep. what we call a hit yep seven plus 13 right mm-hmm so 12 plus a 7 that would be 19 damn more damage 13 so you hack this thing in one leg in same this leg and you hear a screeching sound as one of its as the leg you hit kind of whips backwards, almost back up into the sky. It's retracting it. And something dips out of the sky, and it is a head.

It's a long, it's almost crocodile-like. It's got big, long teeth. How fucking big is this thing? Big, long snout. It's a very, very, very, very long, large head. It's like a crocodile head about the length of your body. So it tries to bite you and misses. But big old jaws go, ha!

Just said, ha. Tom, you're up. Get it, Tom. I'm going to attack it with the Dorito Stiletto. Tom you're up get it Tom I'm going to attack it with the Dorito Stiletto yay the Dorito Stiletto you take a point of burning damage alright

five I roll a five with the Dorito Stiletto great I rolled a five with the Dreyer Stiletto great so that's not is that a hit or not uh do you have a bonus

with that I forget or is that with your bonus that's I don't have a bonus with that oh you don't

alright that's a roll of 20 no that is a miss I am sorry to say uh Tui you're up. You are not feeling too great. Can I do a little Jose Feliciano

and play a little Song of Protection from Evil on my loot? Interesting choice. Do one more wisdom saving throw, actually. Seven. Plus two on a 14 wisdom. All right. All of a sudden, it feels as if a bunch of wind is flying into your ears. And you hear screaming.

Um, it's you, uh, it's your voice. You're not sure if you're screaming or if this is the memory of you screaming. Sure. Um, you're seeing colors. Okay. Uh, you're seeing inside your own mind and not what's in front of you. Okay. And you realize you know Count Fenzhen

and you take two points of damage. Okay. Suddenly you're back. Did we go to school together? Did we work together? Where do I know this guy? If I know you from someplace...

Do you want me to pass you a note? Yeah, maybe. That might help. Give me one of those note cards you got over there. Just on this one. You wrote on this? I have a note card. Here.

Hey, Blaine, what is this? Yeah, I was just going to ask. Oh, Richard Spencer's Gifts. Perfect place for a fluorescent poster of astrological punch-in-the-face positions. Richard Spencer's

Gifts. Nice. And what else? Oh uh Hey uh Every 3,000 miles don't forget Giphy Lube That's right it's pronounced Giphy Lube Is this for you Blaine?

No thanks I have notes. Does that make sense? Yeah, of course. All right. So your vision comes back a little bit, and it's spotty. But you feel like you took the shot to the head that comes with sticking your head up into the blackness.

Sure. And it's wearing off. You can have a non-combat action this round, but that's it. that comes with sticking your head up into the blackness. Sure. And it's wearing off. You can have a non-combat action this round, but that's it. Okay, I'm going to shake it off and start flying back to where the action is. Cool. Forenmeyer is going to grab the leg that is still there, and he misses.

He's getting his sticky old bear paws stuck in the swamp. And then Barriss is going to swing at that leg and he's going to have a lot more success. Sam is typing his dissertation over there. He does a whopping amount of damage, kind of shears a piece of skin off the other leg. This thing topples sideways, and all of a sudden you see something. It has long, like, chicken leg arms also.

Little chicken leg hands. Leg arms. And a feathery body, and then a long neck with a giant crocodile head. And it is snapping its mouth and writhing around in the water trying to get back up on its feet. Bodhi, you are up. What's closest to me? Legs, body, face?

Head and neck. I roll to reason with it. I'm kidding. I'm going to slash and chop at it. That's a hit, I would guess. 13'm going to slash and chop at it. That's a hit. I would guess 13 plus 7, 20. Nice. That's an 8 plus 12.

And another one. Go for it. Something magical is going to happen if you hit it hard enough. 18. Oh, fuck. Okay. You hit it hard enough for this magical thing to happen. Please roll your damage.

Another... 13. Yep. All right. So... damage another uh 13 yep all right so um a bunch of uh blood kind of comes out of its throat as you dig the herald of kelmar in there rip it open and some veins uh latch on to the Herald of Kelmar. Like, uh, like they're grabbing onto it. Like, uh, grabby veins, you know, like a snake would hook.

It's, it's, it's, uh, it's fangs into something. They're kind of like, and, um,

all of a sudden you are, uh, you're just, you're just sort of being attacked by the, the neck corpse of this thing. Sinews are coming at you. You look like shadowy feathers. Oh, an ampersand.

Okay, so... They cover your body, and all of a sudden you think you're dead. What the fuck? So here's how it happens really fast.

The neck guts just start splashing and they cover your body almost like Venom's black symbiote. And they go up the sword, up your arm, cover your body within like Venom's black symbiote and they go up the sword up your arm cover your body within like a nanosecond you guys don't see any of this so he's going crazy he's not dead but you feel like you're in a coma or and you just sort of you just sort of see him kind of like rocking back and forth

a little bit all right there's this thing in front of him right uh of course do i have he killed he killed his dad yeah but any of my doesn't my raging or any of my stuff protect me from uh psychic damage some of this stuff uh you didn't take any damage from psychic damage, some of this stuff? You didn't take any damage. Well, this is definitely something psychic, right? Yeah, you just think you're dead. Yeah, you think you're dead.

Yeah, but I don't have anything against that. Well, it depends. My danger sense or I don't know, fucking anything. What's your wisdom? Not the highest. Why don't you, fucking anything. What's your wisdom? Not the highest. Why don't you worry about your own wisdom?

Here's the thing. You would have had to do a wisdom roll higher than I think you could have possibly gotten. What did you just roll? Two. Sorry if I cheated there a little bit by jumping ahead, but I just kind of knew that was going to happen because you would have had to roll a 20 with a bonus that you didn't have.

Who's up? You are. So this thing's dead? You took a point of burning damage, and this thing is dead, and nothing else has changed. Nothing to fight now? Is he still on fire? Yeah.

Oh, he is. I'm going to concentrate deeply on the face of my beloved. On the face of your beloved? In my memory. Nettie. And I'm just going to focus all my attention on her.

To the exclusion of anything else. Okay. Well, here here let me you uh you look down into the water that's rising up to your knees now and you see her face just beneath the surface of the water dude you just thought of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Yeah. You hear a voice inside your head saying, Tom.

Are we fucked? Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Come be with me, Tom. Tom, get over here. My reasoning for this was to block all other thoughts out of my head. Uh-huh.

Forget about that, Tom. Think about me, Tom. Tom. That didn't work so good. You still got a combat action. Yeah. But I will say nothing is currently attacking you. No, nothing's attacking me.

And maybe I realize it's not such a good idea to think about her. Can I slap Bodhi? Sure. All right, I'm going to slap him across the face. How hard are you going to slap him? My regular slap. A nice sharp rap across the face. Roll a six-sided dice.

Alright. Hey, Brian. And he's dead. He's slapping you. Yeah, what happens? We're going to find out in a second. Six. So

all of a sudden what was once black becomes white, and you rush to consciousness, and you see your friend in front of you. What the fuck? Just slapping you hard in the face. I wasn't. Thank you.

You're welcome. Whatever happened. I slapped you. Do I have anything on me? Or was that all? No, it's gone. Okay. You realize that it was an illusion.

Okay. Count Barris runs was an illusion. Okay. Count Barris runs over... That was crazy. Runs over to you, Twee, and says, What just happened when you stuck your head up there? I'll tell you what happened when I stuck my head up there. I lost my favorite pair of sunglasses. I'm thinking about going

up there what do you think hey you know what knock yourself out if you find any sunglasses up there who wants to do this come there as there is this serious what do you think is up there, Bears? Him. Him? I think he's in the trees. Benzen or... I think that's why this illusion is blocking out. Because he's a coward. He's not a fighter.

That's what I was thinking. He's up there in the blackness somewhere where Tweed just tried to go. Benzen or the Demolith? It's like he was saying, man. The Demolith is everywhere. All right. Everybody's saying it's a sad warfare. I think I got a theory about what's going on with the Demolith, but I want to see if I can grab this fucker.

Sure. Do it. What do you want us to do? He goes, watch my back, and he shrugs to the camera. If I could watch my back, I'd never leave the house. He runs over to a tree, and he starts trying to climb it. He's not so great at climbing a tree, but he's got long, gangly arms and he's very strong,

so it takes him a minute. And once he gets his head above, he, almost like he's being slapped, gets knocked to the ground on his booty in the water. He shakes his head, and he looks at you, Tui. Oh, Jesus, what? Hey, hi. He says, well, well, well.

Hi. How you doing? Hi. Sorry, you caught me in the middle of something. I was trying to get some... I'm down to two bars here. He winks at you, Twee, and he goes back up the tree. Who?

Barris. Barris. What was that all about? Did I see that? Yes. Did you see it? who? Barris. Barris. What was that all about? Did I see that? Yes. Did you see it? He was very cavalier about it.

He looked at you like you knew something, and then winked and went back up the tree. And he went back up the tree? I'm going up the tree after him. Okay. You go up through the blackness, and this time it doesn't affect you. Like a film, you go right through it, and it's the simplest illusion all of a sudden.

You look around and Barris is kind of pointing to the north and he says, look, you can see it, you can see it. And there is what looks like a large black salamander jumping from tree to tree like a squirrel trying to get as far away from you guys as possible. It's adorable. Let's follow it. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Tweed goes back under the black film. Yeah. Hey, we have to go catch this big black salamander. It sounds crazy. But I'll recap it later at the end of the episode.

But we have to go get this thing. What time are we at, by the way? We are close. 53 minutes. We have seven. Great. So as you guys go running after this, something interesting happens.

A couple more of those giant chicken legs plop out of the sky, but you, I assume, went back above the blackness again where Barris is? I don't see him. So there's nothing up there, right? Do I not see these things?

If you go above the black film, you don't see... And we're following him. ...any kind of monster at all. Okay. So it's like a one-way mirror. It's like a one-way mirror. It's just a huge... A bunch of bullshit under that.

He's using an illusion against us. It's almost like that spaghetti incident I remember. And you see it again. You're running through the... Would you say it had an appetite for... I don't know. It's like the size of a cocker spaniel.

It's like a black salamander. It's got four long, wet dragonfly wings that it doesn't seem able to use for some reason. Again, jumping from branch to branch. And Barriss is trying to keep up

with it, but he's not quite as fast as you. After you fly a little faster and faster, you manage to catch up. What do you want to do? I'm going to web it to a tree. Go for it. I'm going to say it was a three and then he failed.

Splap. 13, I didn't botch. So, uh, thwink. Up goes what you are pretty sure is Count Fenzin up against the trunk of a tree about 15 feet off the ground. And it's a salamander. How big is it? Sorry. So you get a better look at it. It's about the size of a tree about 15 feet off the ground. And it's a salamander. How big is it? Sorry.

So you get a better look at it. It's about the size of a cock or spaniel. And you realize it's some kind of desiccated animal of some kind. It looks undead. But it looks like it used to be something more recognizable. It's taking you kind of a minute. Why don't you do a perception check? A 19.

Oh, you realize this is an undead fairy dragon. It is a lesser dragon species that has gone undead. And it's known for illusion spells. It was in front of Roxy Music for a while. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. All right.

So it's a desiccated fairy dragon. It's undead. And its body has... Undead fairy dragon. It's gone into disrepair. Is it similar to that dragon that we saw in Tomb of Annihilation? Nope. Oh.

It's small and dragon-ish. Yeah, we're doing Tomb of Annihilation. These guys encountered a dragon. And I did a random encounter roll for you guys to find it. And I was like, all right, another fucking small dragon. All right, whatever. And this thing is, now it's webbed to the tree, right? Mm-hmm.

It's looking at me. Mm-hmm. Does it seem disturbed? Does it seem upset? Does it seem... Terrified? I think... Is it struggling?

Peaceful. It's like breathing fast, but there's peace in its eyes. All right. Do you want to try and talk to it? Yeah. Yeah, you know, I... Let's your that or light it up I'm trying to figure out what talk to it or light it up say hey hey why should I not light you up it doesn't matter you can light me up if you want it says in a voice

almost identical to the human ciphers it was using. We're all going to die. You don't understand, man. No, it gives you a whole speech. Did she just die in prison? It tells

you the Demolith, again, is everywhere. It gives you some more of that. Everywhere, everywhere. It's pretty easy to interrogate. It tells you the demolith again is everywhere it gives you some more of that everywhere everywhere it it uh it's pretty easy to interrogate it tells you um it's it's uh not going to summon the monsters to come kill you there's there's many monsters it could summon but it won't um it tells you the demolith is in a in a sunken castle in the marshes. Seems pretty sure you'll be able to find it just fine. And it says, you know, it's too late. The final sacrifice was made. What was the final sacrifice? Come on, seriously.

The last living ancestor of the Demolith is dead. We brought it to the island. It gave itself willingly to the island. Who did? The last living ancestor of the Demolith. You guys caught up. You guys are part of the interrogation. You can talk to this weird-ass black thing.

Who was the last living ancestor of Devon? A foolish bard. Just some bard. That fucking kook. Was it the one that we were with? That guy went nuts. That was the last, that was the thing that got everything off. He cut his stomach

open after I sang to him and he gave his blood willingly to the island. That was an idiot. But it's already happened, so there's nothing you can do. The final sacrifice has been made. Soon the Demolith will be one with the gods, the island will fold in

on itself, and this planet will be no more. Is there any way to reverse it? I don't know what you mean. It's not like I can turn back time. What if we could? If I could turn back time. When you say, what if we could, it looks at you.

It says, what do you mean? I don't know. I'm just blue-skying. What do you mean? How would you turn back time? We know some ways. Extreme charisma. It closes its eyes and blinks out of existence, out of the web. Okay.

And you hear some rustling in the branches right above you. You see it right away. It didn't teleport very far. Flash. Yeah. Shoot. Bolt. Anything.

Roll to attack. I'm just bolting so I don't have to roll. Uh-huh. Uh-huh! Sorry, Rhodes. I just threw my sword at you guys. That was a one, wasn't it? Yeah, what was that for, though?

Was that strength or no? It was attack. It was attack. Attack roll, so. And I don't get a plus on that. That's a bocce. That's a bocce. So, before we end this episode,

would you just roll 100 for me, please? Yeah, sure. before we end this episode would you just roll a hundred for me please yeah sure so this guy was 63 I remember that one I wish Joe was here to read the botch table that was really fun last night

oh you're lucky roll a 1d4 for your own damage please so this guy was high off the ground um and you to try and hit him when he teleported you had to kind of grab a branch and kind of like do like an alley-oop, kind of like overhand swing with your sword. And as you do that, you kind of just punch yourself in the face. Right, but like my dead grandma's not laughing at me. No, no, you didn't do... If you rolled a 64, you would have just opened a cabinet in your face.

And whether he gets away or not, we'll find out next episode. What episode was this? Was this 32 or 33? 32. Thanks for listening to episode 32 of Brian Pessain's Nerd Poker. How up to date are we? This is going to go live next Monday.

After Thanksgiving. So I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. I've got one of the best clubs in the country coming up in December, the Comedy Attic in Bloomington, Indiana there. Two nights, Friday, Saturday. And anything else? BrianBassain.com for more dates. And then I've got some stuff coming up in the winter and spring,

but not a ton. But good cities like Chicago coming up and a couple others. Anything else? Anybody else wants to play? Yeah, watch Stand Against Evil. Yeah, Ken's on Stand Against Evil. All of season two will be streaming by now. Oh, cool.

On the IFC app. Are you acting on that? Yeah, I'm in one of the episodes. Oh, cool. On the IFC app. Are you acting on that? Yeah, I'm in one of the episodes. Oh, cool, cool. It's a nice little camera. Are you writing with Dana, too? I was working on it. Oh, cool.

Dana Gould, we've got to get him on this show. Oh, he would be so fun. He's an old friend of ours and very, very funny. And read Mad Magazine. Yeah, you can actually get, buy one subscription, get the second one free on madmagazine.com. Go do that. Buy one for yourself and then your friend,

because there's going to be good comedy in it and shit. And hey, come check me out. I'm going to be milking some rattlesnakes at Keto University in Ecuador. Sunday through Wednesday. It sounds weird. It's morning shows, but it's a lot of fun. Sunday through Wednesday. It sounds weird. It's morning shows, but it's a lot of fun. Come on out. Thanks for listening.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening.