Nerd Poker - Episode 41 - The Altar

Episode Date: January 31, 2018

The party has battled to the bottom of the cursed land of Amynna. They discover an altar. Forms fizzle in and out of the air. Bodhi rages.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. What's up guys? It's Rob Poussaint from Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Thanks buddy. And today is episode 40. 41'm Terry Polker. Thanks, buddy. And today is episode 40. 41.

41. Yeah. Thanks, pal. Thanks, Rhodes. He's wearing ACDC pajamas. They're cool. I wish they made them in daddy size. They're pretty awesome.

I'd have to wear it on a foot. I love you, buddy. Thank you. They do if the daddy is me. Hey, everybody. That was my son, Rosie. That's Brian. Hi, Ken.

Hello, Brian. Hi, Dan. Hi, fellow. Blaine. Hi, Brian. Hi, Sam. Hey, everybody. These guys are all eating McDonald's.

McDonald's doesn't sponsor us, but they kind of do. Yeah, we sponsor them. It's the closest drive-thru here. Yeah, the old show used to be sponsored by Arby's, and this one, because Arby's was fucking across the street from our old studio, and this McDonald's is right down the corner from my house. I got to be honest, when I was coming over here,

I was like, I'm going gonna stop at Jack in the Box, I'm gonna get a spicy crispy chicken sandwich, and then I got off the highway early because there has to be a Jack in the Box around here and there wasn't, and I ate at McDonald's. I'll tell you, next time you go down, take a right when you get off the freeway instead of coming left towards me.

Well, blah, blah, blah. You literally heard that. But I did tell you, we can leave, blah. You literally heard it. But I didn't tell you. We can leave that in because that's one street. That's not even my street. That's great. It's right there by your mother's maiden name. What's your mother's maiden name?

The third window on the right. Next to my PIN number. Next to the garden hose is the one you want to jerk off. You take a left next to my PIN number and then my wife's maiden. It's weird that your social security number the last four digits would be 2112 also um hey I want to thank patreon people uh hey patreon but anyway there's a jack-in-the-box like yeah we'll figure that that out. But I'll go to the next Hanover and get Taco Bell. You can tell if I allotted enough time to get here for the game.

There's one. Actually, there's several. Yeah, turn right before you go up the hill if you want to go to Taco Bell. It's right there by the lake right here in Peru. Thank you, Michael Esham. Gesundheit. Thank you, Tim Pickerel. Gesundheit. Thank you, Esham Gesundheit Thank you Tim Pickerel

Gesundheit Thank you Dude George Dude George Thank you Jeremy Dean You really want to hurt him? Thank you

Jeremy Dean Thank you Corpus Callisum Thanks Corpus That's a good one Thank you Corey Rogers Thanks Corey

It's even better Thank you Brian Nowak Yes Thank you Patrick Cochran Thank you Josh Glazer No relation Patrick Cochran. Thank you. Josh Glazer.

Thank you. No relation to Zephyr. Thank you, Josh Glazer. Thank you, Thomas Maher. And, well,

wait, I was going to tell you something before we do the last one. I got three that I want to end on. Well, I was just going to say that, um, I think on one of our special episodes, our friend Tom Lennon,

or Tom Kenny, as I called him, like a fucking idiot, to his face. Tom Lennon, he really recommended Paddington 2, and it's amazing. It's really great. I saw it with the family. It's terrific. And I teared up. And the last time I teared up like that was when I saw Skeletor's dick. Because it was so resplendent.

Yes, beautiful. You saw a rainbow when it appeared? Yeah, like a smile on my face and a tear in my eye. It was like when I saw Millennium Falcon in Force Awakens. Yeah. That kind of feeling. Funny story. Skeletor's dick where it feels nostalgic but also brand new.

You know what I mean? Chewbacca's always the co-pilot of Skeletor's dick where it feels nostalgic, but also brand new. You know what I mean? Chewbacca's always the co-pilot of Skeletor's dick. Yeah, it's true. Did you see Coco? I loved Coco. That's a crier. Yeah, yeah. I cried more at Coco than Paddington.

Paddington was sweet. Coco, yeah. Paddington? When Han Solo dies in Coco, it's a bummer. He's good dying in at everything They cut out the Skeletor's dick short At the beginning of Coco Cause that thing

Oh Jesus It's not short at all Three really good ones I'm trying to decide 24 minute frozen thing I think we've talked about that On the show already Cause Rhodes fucking hated it

I hated it And I didn't even see it Thank you Snarf's Gunt Snarf's Gunt. Snarf's Gunt. That's like a captcha. Wow. Let's end on that one.

I'll save the next episode. Man, they must have been... By the way, Dan, I remember... Do you think when they came up with Snarf's Gunt, they said feet on desk right after that? I think they did. Yes, Lane. I do want to say that I said something on Twitter. I saw Boss Baby was trending when I landed.

And I said, hey, everybody's kind of down on Boss Baby. It's certainly not an Oscar movie, but I thought it was actually really fun to watch. And I'm only saying that because I saw it 15,000 times because my son watched it on a loop for days. Yeah, it's on Netflix. And it was actually rewatchable. It was very clever.

The animation was really, really well done and smart. And it's certainly, like I said, it's not a – I saw it five times in the hotel with Rhodes. It stands up. You can watch it. Two days. There's enough jokes in it. There's jokes that won't work for kids or whatever.

But anyway, I just wanted to say I know that you saw red. I was so mad that Lego Batman didn't get nominated. And I tweeted about it a few times. Lego Batman was great. But it was like I had no idea that you would like it. I did not enjoy but wait lego batman allowed to enjoy movies yeah but lego batman feels like you know what i think happens sometimes is movies that probably came out at the beginning of uh last year right no

it was eligible yeah i know it was eligible but you forget i think those ones that come out yeah that long ago they're're fucked, I think, unless they stuck with you, really. It came out in February. You're totally right. Yeah, people just are like, oh, that was last year's Oscars. It feels like the last year.

It was great. Did you guys see Iron Gunt? Iron Gunt Cody. The gunt comes from outer space so should we address the elephant in the room the bottle of scotch oh so uh

I feel like we're recording two episodes I feel like there's a strong chance that one or all of you will wipe uh die wipe is when all three of you die just cause we're at the bottom of a magical island unstuck in time, there is...

Not to put too fine a point on it. It might be good because we want Gazzardo to get in here and Sarah. Yeah, and I want to make Gazzardo like we're on a hockey team together. Oh, that would be actually... She'd have a great club on Sunday. She's the cleaner. hockey team together. Oh, that would be actually... We should get a hockey jersey.

She's got a great club on Sunset. She's the cleaner. She'll get in there. Come down to Gazardo's. Yeah, listeners, I think Sarah's waiting because she can tell this campaign is winding down. She's waiting so she can start fresh with everybody. You guys, we've talked about this a little bit on the air,

but every time I say the campaign's about to end, you guys... Re-extend it. Well, you guys all go... Well, first of all, you've made a few choices. Because there's no clear way... I don't know. I think I counted at one point

like 22 different ways I could see the game ending. You fucking nerd. There's a lot of... Well, I tried to make it very, very choose your own adventure. The final boss fight did not have to happen in any one place. Drop a box of toothpicks, you can. I feel like you guys are a little timid about wanting to bring your characters back

for another campaign. Are you against that morally because of your Sark adventures? Or would you bring Bodhi to another campaign? I didn't know that was allowed. It totally is. A lot of people do. Sorry, I was off the mic But when you kill somebody

They're dead Well first of all Yes If you die My mind is blown That's even a possibility But I'm saying if you survive the adventure If the campaign is over

Oh I thought we were dying tonight, though. I think it's likely that you'll die. Okay, cool. But I want to make it clear, if you survive, I would permit your characters to go on another campaign. Yeah, because then you start at level seven. But also, I wouldn't require it. Like, if

one of you wanted to re-roll a new character and have, like, say, Tom DiRetto just go fucking Eddie in a beach condo to celebrate the campaign, I don't give a shit. I'm going to fuck that. I'm just thinking of bringing Jackie back, the monk. Yeah, I like Jackie.

Is Jackie alive or dead last you saw Jackie? Jackie loves pickles. We never killed him. I don't think he ever died. I'd be game to let you bring a Sark character back as long as he didn't die. Well, why did we put that campaign? I know one of them you said you were in the middle of the ocean or some shit. Or you were lost.

I think something was a long break. This is before nerd poker. No, I know. Jackie was when we first started playing with Sark. I just know you said there was at least one Sark campaign where you gave up because you were just all lost in the middle of a wilderness or something. Or like you were stranded on an island or something. I don't know.

Jackie was around for a long time. I think we just stopped playing for almost a year, and then we didn't come back to it. Yeah, and then we came up with new guys. That might have been the last one we played, actually. And then he did that campaign when we were all cadets. Did we ever tell you about that one? He did this one.

Oh, yeah. But it was like a police academy thing. I think actually... Team Treasured Bear Club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a third level Michael Winslow. I remember I found out about that. It might have even been on the last episode.

I was Leslie Esterbrook for some reason. I'm not sure. Or Easterbrook. I was Wo i was was it ester or easter i was wojo i had a tie that was as wide as a lobster bib wojo check two wojo is it wojo on barney wojo yeah wojo oh man barney miller isn't barney miller from 57 years ago yeah that's like a black and white show. You're really... No, it isn't. It's got a... It's color.

It's 40-something years ago. It's got the words... It's before your time. It's old enough that it was on Nick at Night when I was a child. It's before your time, but I... Mushy, mushy. I showed Melanie an episode a couple years ago. We were on vacation, and I was telling her uh this joke and i showed

her the episode we went to the hotel room and why i feel like i've told the story i feel like on the old nerd poker we got into barney miller and you didn't know it i i'm deja vu yeah yeah maybe but anyway you are you are fucking i showed her the episode and she had never seen it and lost it like it's still a funny show it's really well written don't get me wrong I would watch Dick Van Dyke to the end of days you're gonna die

laughing our way to our deaths speaking of death I'm super bummed that Marky Smith died today it's gonna date this episode Marky Smith was a real scumbag of a human but he was an absolute delight in the world of music. Yeah. Well, pretty sure.

What you going to do, sue him? But no, I listened to The Fall. Mr. Pharmacist was playing in my Walkman for a solid year, sophomore year. Okay. What was their biggest thing? I don't know that. I think that was their big hit.

They put out like 30 albums. The Classical. What song? The Classical. Mr. Pharmacist. Mr. Pharmacist. I don't know that. That's a cover of an old garage song.

Yeah, and they put out... He was the only one who was ever in more than one and a half albums. The lineup changed because he was just this drunk who... I remember more than like one and a half albums. Like his lineup changed because he was just this drunk who like, I remember them. I just don't know them, but yeah, he said, uh,

I know bands. If it's me and your granny on bongos, it's the fall. That's what he said. There's actually, there's three. Can I tell you the three albums? I read this in mojo.

They did a big compression. They said there's a lot of fall albums and I agree with this. I've got a bunch of them. If you're going to look for three albums and you don't know anything about them, get Hex Induction Hour, get This Nation's Saving Grace,

and get The Grotesque. It sounds like the fall. It gives you the best idea. There's some really cool, catchy stuff on it. It's not too weird. And if you like it, you can get the rest of the stuff. You probably will like it, but it's all you stuff on it. It's not too weird. And if you like it, you can get the rest of the stuff.

You probably will like it, but it's all you need. Yeah, it's great. The end. Very, very punk. Very like, yeah, it's great. I love it. It's a nice bottle you brought. So this is the bottle of Balvenie that I bought when I started chemo,

and I was like, I'm not going to drink this. I think I brought it here before because it's not full. It's like, it's like got a third. I was like, I'm going to drink this when my taste buds work again.

And then I just, it's not fancy, but it's, it's fancier than cheap. That's a, that's a nice bottle. Yeah, yeah. Costs like,

you know, 60 bucks or something. It's got curves. Don't shit on that bottle. Real bottles have coils. It's a nice bottle. Sure. We got a drink from it. It's a 12 year. It's a, it's very Real bottles have coils. It's a nice bottle of champagne.

It's a 12-year. It's very good. It's a double wood. It's sherry. What's the other cask? It says there. Whiskey oak and sherry oak. It's good shit, man. You will enjoy it. It is very, very buttery smooth. You get it if you die.

I will go grab one of brian's tumblers from his kitchen and pour you a nice heavy neat glass unless you're driving um i told you in advance i ain't going anywhere if you give it yeah brian's also most likely to die um so you guys are at the bottom of a minute a minute was broken off from the globe when it was hit by the... Oh, for fuck's sake, Ken, don't die in real life before I can fantasy murder you. I'm dying, I'm dying, honey. So, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the moon hit the planet, the planet... Like a big pizza pie? The planet went

Alderaan, but Amina is the biggest chunk of Alderaan that survived. It sort of is floating in space, and it's sort of in a bubble and every time you pass through this storm you arrive in this bubble that is unstuck in time. It is sort of in the future. You guys sort of traveled to 1500 years in

the future when you went through this storm and you made your way to the bottom of the island where time goes backwards. You go back in time, the farther down you go underneath. You made it to the bottom. Underneath you is about... Luolven is kind of putting this into perspective, so I'm going to slip into her lady piranha-faced elf voice for a second. She says, I think there's only about an inch of ground beneath us.

I think there's only about an inch of ground beneath this. I can feel the nebulas and the broken stars that we're floating past are just beneath the dirt. So I think it's magically held together. I think this cavern is made to come into contact with Manana and M'Glir, my new god. You can tell from the red and blue lights. I believe those are cosmic lights that are coming up. Unfortunately, I don't know a whole lot about what we're going to see here other than this is something my people have talked about. This is a place that has been whispered about in the 1500 years

since we broke off from the world. I believe this is where the Demoliths made his pact with Manan and McLeer. I'm not sure if we'll see him. I'm not sure if we can contact Manan and McLeer. As you can see, this is a very large room. If I can just

explain that there's a few hundred yards in any direction. It's this very big cavern room. I have a's this very big cavern room. I have a question. Very big cavern chamber. How long have we been down in here? You've only been in here for a few minutes.

Well, how are we health-wise? You're all in different states. Gago has half a hit point. He had one, and Tui slapped half of it out of him. Tom, I think you're doing okay.. Tom, I think you're doing okay. Bodhi, I think you're doing okay. Tui, I don't know if he just got up to go potty or throw out his fast food garbage. Tui, I think you're very low.

Same thing. Tui, yeah, well, exactly. I'm very low. Opened his rectum and poured out a few thousand calories. That's what Blaine does. That's how he stays so svelte. I eat a rabbit or maybe a small pig

and a couple weeks later I excrete a pellet of herringbone. I know Blaine got hit with a club. I got hit with a club. Two arrows. I got hit with a club and I'm covered with bacon and mayonnaise. How many hit points you got?

I think I'm seven right now so what I'm going to do is... You are, I will say, out of healing spells last I heard. I have some healing potions. I have two healing potions. Okay. So I'm going to chug a healing potion.

All right, why don't you roll that dice to see... What's a healing potion thing? Do you know? I'm going to look that up real quick on the old D&D Beyond. Thank you again for letting me use the D&D Beyond. Thank you again For letting me use the DD beyond you're gonna get a good old 2d 4 Plus 2 for each potion. So you're gonna you're gonna quaff them both I'm gonna try one and see how I go for it. And what is it 2d for honey?

Go for it. And what is it? 2d4, honey. Five. So that's a five plus two. You got seven back. You gonna chug that other one? I'm gonna chug another one, yeah. I feel like I should.

I feel like I'm going to die. Another five. Great. And another two of that. So you got 14 added to your seven. You're up to 21 if you have that as a possible total. Okay. My normal total hit points is 242.

Oh, that is so convenient. I got to get back up there. And yeah, Luovan. Whoa. Whoa. What happened? What is happening? Ken fled the table and knocked

a thousand of my dice on the ground. Jesus. What are you doing? Oh, well that worked. I thought one of the wet bandits... Way to keep things chill and quiet. I thought one of the wet bandits fell for our trap. Hold on, let me go get

Daniel Stern off the ground. Let me get my symbols off of these skeletons. Good Christ. I dropped my pop rocks. It's like you're jittery or something. You will. Now I'm definitely

going to kill you. What was that old story of I don't want to die. You will. Now I'm definitely going to kill you. You fuck. What was that old story of... It was nobody we played with, but Sark knew... Where the guy just... I think this one's yours. The guy made the wrong decision and he just put him on a plane

and sent him on another plane and just made him disappear and then he was fucked. Do you remember that? Who was no wait isn't that was that like a documentary

or something? No oh was that what it was? Where the DM just lost his mind and killed everybody or something? Yeah yeah

he just killed everybody. Oh yeah that was that documentary where they all they were friends they played for 15 or 20 years. Yeah and it was

this fear of annihilation or something. That's what I'm trying to think of. Yeah, yeah. So any who's in. Anyway. We had that shitty deck of cards that fucked us. Remember?

I love that thing. Yeah, that thing was. I think that should be in every game. Yeah. What was it called? Deck of many things. Deck of many things, yeah. Shoes and ships and ceiling wax.

Cabbages and kings. shoes and ships and ceiling wax cabbages and kings LeWovan just wanted to point out that you'll notice if you look really closely the center of the room has a stone altar of some kind it's pretty far away

it's like a solid football field away and also you'll notice there's multiple entrances to here there's different ways people could be coming in and out. Are you good? She says, yeah, she's not sure what else to do at this point because she's never been here. This has only been like a place of gossip.

The magic here is so complicated. She doesn't know how to react, but she gives you a quick inventory of her spells. She has a spell that can push things away. She says she has the ability to knock people unconscious en masse if she concentrates for a little while. She should work on that. She should concentrate.

Is there a way for us to hold up for an hour here? She thinks it might be dangerous to rest here. Where can we rest? She's not sure. Are you guys down hit points? Yeah.

Because I can sing a song of rest and get hit points for everybody. Do you have what I am? Because I had from the Nug Nug game. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are at 57 hit points. Okay out of 62 oh well 74 is what my current oh well you know what that's what I have without some in-game modifiers but you're 57 okay cool yeah sorry one thing D&D Beyond does make it a little tricky to do is when you have constant custom equipment coming into the fray.

Yays. Alright, so you could sing a song of rest if you like. I'd like to sing a song of rest. Go for it. Sing a song of rest. A pocket full of rye. Four and twenty black boys baked in a pie.

When the pie was open, the boys began a pie. Went to pie with open. The boys begin to sing. 1D6 for everybody. Everybody roll a 1D6. Everybody roll a 1D6. Oh, my God. It's Ed Wynn doing the son of a... Ed Wynn is playing really good.

Lou Oven's back up to full health, and Gago got a point. You are also accompanying... I'm back full. I don't know if you remember, you're accompanied by six wood elves. Wood elves? You are also accompanying... I'm back full. I don't know if you remember, you're accompanied by six wood elves. Wood elves? And they all get a little bit of hit points back. Four?

I hit four, but what? You're at 57. Yeah. So 61. Yes. And I'm up to 24. I got myself an extra three off that. I got exactly what I needed.

There's a weird silence to this place, but you're noticing little blurs everywhere. Almost like there's static or holograms in the air. How weird. There's certain pockets of it that are more concentrated than others. Like that episode of Star Trek. Oh, I feel like there's probably little time bubbles of people kind of blinking in here. So, Luovan says

we can look around, but we should be extremely careful. That's my chance to go back and tell Cheryl I loved her. You were kind of going down a curving tunnel that was sort of like a spiral staircase that went really deep, and that's where you had to stick close or you would slip into other sort of time bubbles. She doesn't think that's too much of an issue.

You could separate a little bit. You can almost see each other if you're on opposite ends of this cavern. It's pretty big. Where were the other versions of us? We're past that you think there's no sign of them at the moment but like I said there's a lot of weird little visual distortions one of me with better skin

we got into one a little bit yeah and there's still a couple of arrows I guess Tui you healed enough that they kind of plunked out to the ground but those arrows are from another dimension version of you another dimension hello nasty so kind of plunked out to the ground, but those arrows are from another dimension version of you. Another dimension, not another dimension.

Hello, nasty. So, what are you guys going to do? Again, I just want to make it clear to the listeners, I did not create this particular cavern with the intention of it being the only place the game could end. What? Great point, Brian. The hourglass is flipping over. Something will happen

if you don't make a choice by the end. Well, continue. What does she want to do? Luovan is currently praying to Manana and McLear for guidance in the hopes of summoning him or something. Okay. She believes he created this room or made this cavern possible.

So she's... Are there any other ways out of this cavern? Yeah, you see what looks like at least a dozen different little cavern holes in the walls on the sides. You kind of ran away from the one you came out of. Does she have an idea of Does she have an idea Does she have an idea of where we're going

She says no Is there like one that's obviously well trodden No The ground is a bit scuffed up But you don't see any Foreign items What about Gaga What's up

Do you have any idea where Where we should go? I got like two hit points now, so I'm ready to... I don't know if you noticed, I'm taking some swigs to get my courage up. Is there a way to use the scarab to see if there's any like... Oh, but the difference between the tunnels. By the way, I just want to call... Birdie, real quick, you want to know what I want to do?

Yeah. I want to fuck some people up. Okay, well... I'm from the woods I don't know about caverns I came down here as kind of a personal favor I'm going to call you back for a little bit Right but how are we getting out of here Our dude I don't have any fucking clue

I'm looking through this scarab I'm here to get drunk and fuck chicks So far low on chicks I was going to get chicks and fuck drunk Great shot of bubble gum I'm sorry you were saying I was going to get chicks and fuck drunk. I'm sorry, you were saying? I was going to pull the scarab out. No, what were you saying? I'm going to take the scarab out

and check out the different caverns. Okay, alright. You take the scarab out and what are you doing with it exactly? Check it out. See what the caverns look like. Do a wisdom check. I'm sorry, wisdom saving throw. Yeah.

A couple of weird noises, sorry. Let's see. 11 with the bonus. Okay, so you are momentarily blinded and you get searing pain in the backs of your retinas. If you were in combat you'd be pretty pissed off because this

It's like a flash. You basically see just like intense light fly out of this thing. All of you guys and the scarab farcing Does that mean good or bad? You drop it on the ground

and the lid kind of clasps, the little wings of the scarab kind of clasps shut over the lens. Is there a color to it? It was white. And what does that mean? Do you remember?

No. Let's see. You guys Do you remember? No. Let's see. Yeah, you guys have no idea what that is. I don't think we've seen anything white. No. We've seen orange and reddish. It's almost silver. It was just like this beam just shot out of its cyclops.

Does that mean we should go that way or should we avoid that? I mean, he was just opening it and it looked like it was just like malfunctioning. Maybe there's just so much magic in here that it's all colors at once. So much magic. You know. Better believe

it's not so. But yeah, you guys are a couple dozen yards away from one of the exits, the one that you came from, and you see them kind of scattered along. Can we go back up the one we came from? You can try. I'm sure we can look at the new ones too. Let's head toward the one we came up.

As you guys approach, how many of you are doing it? The elves are going to kind of stay behind this boulder. I'm going to stealthily as much as I can for a dude who's a half orc size sure okay you going to stay with the other elves

or are you going to go with I'm going to come with these guys everybody do a perception check please difficulty of 10 50 yeah got it Everybody do a perception check, please. Difficulty of 10. 50. Yeah, got it.

Three? Nope. All right. So, Tui, you kind of fart and you turn around to see if you can see it with all the weird cosmic lights, if it makes a visual kind of thing, because it's a fart. It's fun when you can see a fart. Well, does it? It's a little cold in here so you uh you do that uh bodhi tom as you approach the entrance you see what looks like flashes of humanoids um appear and disappear in moments as if they're coming down the tunnel you came from and then instantly disappearing. I see.

Just many timelines that we're looking at. I'm not scared. Well, prove it by making a choice. Keep going. Going up the tunnel? I think so. Don't we want to get out of here? I'm fucked with the goal. I don't know.

Well, you originally had gone down here to see if you could find the demo. Right. And you are making a retreat the second you get into this chamber. Oh, so... You haven't looked for him or anything. There's an altar in the center of the

cavern. I just got unclear, and that's why I was asking for Leleven to give us guidance. Well, she told you there was an altar in the center of the cavern. I just got unclear, and that's why I was asking for Llewellyn to give us guidance. Well, she told you there was an altar in the center of the room. That kind of sticks out a little bit. Let's look at the altar in the center of the room. Yeah, let's go to that. Okay. That's all I was just trying to figure out.

And we have that guy with us still. Are you guys nervous? Is that why you're just... Yeah, we don't know what the hell we're doing. I'm going to knock the dice down here. Which guy are you talking about? Honestly, because we've been doing all these bonus games and shit, I'm just kind of confused on what the ultimate point was.

He's on the pot sometimes. That's not even that. Fair enough. Well, two campaigns at once, and this is what we get. Yeah, yeah. But there's that guy that we have to keep from getting fucked up by the Demolith. Right. Horo.

Horo. Stayed with the elves. And you got him pretty drunk. Okay. And he's just kind of shaken. Okay. But he is down here with us. He's down here with you.

And he's just... He's been kind of morose and silent since you filled him with drunk. As far as you know, that's the inciting action of the end, or of the ruination. Well, you were talking about maybe coming down here to also go so far back in time that there were other ancestors of the Demolith and that he wasn't the last.

His blood sacrifice is part of what allowed the Demolith to ascend to godhood and start sort of the ultimate apocalypse. So you've been kind of hiding him and yeah, you talked about doing something with him down here and he's, yeah, he's, he's hiding between elves, trying to, trying to see if he can hide from you guys. He's most scared of you three. And so he's just kind of nervously behind some elven robes right now,

just kind of shaking. All right. Let's not sacrifice him on the altar. Whatever we do. Are we going to go to the altar? Yeah. We'll give it a look-see. Are there any glyphs or anything on this thing? On the altar?

Yeah. So you take a little jog over there, and you start to notice more distortions in the air as you get about 50 yards away. Looks like there's more humanoid sort of glitching in and out of existence as you approach. So more activity there. Yes. Over time, I'm guessing. Yes.

So what do we see on the altar? Roll a perception check, gentlemen. Difficulty? I just want to hear what you get. Three! Okay, twee is just... I don't know. I just get this farting a lot.

Ten. I just want to know what the difficulty is. I got a one. Ah, hold on. I'm going to look up Bodhi's perception. You got a two. Okay, so Bodhi sees it. Yeah, you two just are... What time is it?

You hear Tweeze checking out his farts in the cold. Who's the man? You two just go back to looking for it. Bodhi, as you approach, you think you see some of these humanoids glitching in and out of existence look a little familiar. And some of them appear to be in various states of gore. Oh, wow. So they look like us and they got fucked up? Yep.

Okay. So they look like us and they got fucked up? Yep. Some of them, you're not sure, but you think you see really quick glimpses of muscular tissue and sprays of blood. That's probably me. So you're going to keep going to the altar? Yes. Great. You get to the altar and yes, there are glyphs on it. And as you get close,

you think you see the form of one humanoid in particular hunched over the altar. It's not moving. It just sort of glitches in and out, but it seems much more stable than many of the other shapes. And it's in a robe. Is it familiar? You can't see very well. You've never seen it before as far as you can tell.

And it's just sort of hunched over the altar, glitching in and out of existence. What size is it? It's like human-sized. Blaine, you also, there's like some sort of weird runes. It's not horrible. On the altar. It's like on the edge of the altar.

The altar itself is about 10 feet long. It's smooth stone on top and it's got symbols carved into the ridge. It's obviously going to be glowing with magic. Do the runes give off like an evil vibe?

You definitely feel like something really old. Like this is an old altar you're not sure good or evil do we destroy it? we can always blow shit up it works here on earth right?

whenever you have a problem, blow things up I'm kind of waiting to see what the person, the image that keeps flaking in and out. Do an investigation check. Investigation. I have a little plus three on that. So five.

Okay. You notice some. I'm going to slip out in the garage and kill myself. It's not that hard to investigate. You don't notice any fine details, but you do think... It's human in size, but you notice it's wearing a hooded robe, and it's got a bald sort of white head. Oh, it's Billy Corgan.

Billy Corgan. Brian? I see you've got a dice over your tower like you're about to go for something. I had thought of investigating myself, but there's not much we can... I kind of just want to kill the guy, but...

It's an option you can try. He seems almost like an image that is and isn't there. Okay. But you... If you investigate... Anything else about the runes? Anything else about the...

Roll investigate, please. Ooh! Nice. So that's 20. Oh, with your bonus, that's a 20? Yeah. It's 18, right? Oh, no, that's a 16.

That's a 16. Okay, so that's still pretty good. 18, yeah. You, Bodhi, notice the runes are definitely of some old fae type. They're like some weird fairy magical language. Mm-hmm. type. They're like some weird fairy magical language. And you also

get a really strong smell. Yeah? It smells like rot coming from the figure all of a sudden. Oh, is he already dead? The figure, as far as you can tell, is

frozen in place. Okay. It's bent over the altar. Getting a rot smell. So that's like the Demolith at this altar. I think so. Do we destroy the altar?

That's what Ken was thinking. Or do we destroy the Demolith? I mean the Demolith is getting his power at this altar. I would imagine, yeah. Just blow up the fucking altar. What do we have to lose? I'm not against it.

I don't... How do we do that? We've got lots of attacks that can be done. I know a guy. Let's go on Craigslist. I'm just going to search, like, demolition. Altar do. It is not okay to contact this Demoleth with.

How would you like to destroy the altar, gentlemen? I'm going to cast a thunder wave into it. Okay. Back away, fellas. Okay. Goggles, everyone. All right. everyone alright so this is gonna be 2D8

Thunderwave okay waiting for Tom you got your goggles on? Mythbusters and four fuck okay so Tom flicks his wrist and Thunderwave and four. Fuck. Okay. So Tom

flicks his wrist and the altar cracks right down the middle and you hear a big thwacking sound of stone snapping in half. When you do this the waves of blue and red light that are coming up

under the ground kind of stop waving. The ground stays glowing red and blue, but it's no longer shifting. And you see sort of in the distance of the cavern a few physical forms go thud, thud, thud on the ground as if they were floating and now are all falling. Also in front of you, the form that was hunched over the altar

comes into full view. When's my turn? Now-ish. I'm fucking swinging Halbert at this motherfucker. And I'm raging. Great. You had to get

about 30 feet away, so you're gonna have to charge. I'm also doing fast movement then to get at him. All right. So you turn around, or you don't turn around. He turns around because you are now charging at him, and he starts laughing. I don't care. He's got a look of surprise on his face.

Do you want to know what he looks like? Nope. Sweet. Swing that sword. Oh, shit. Two attacks, though. Try that again. So you swing the Herald of Kalmar. I'm going to give you the gimme

that it's on fire. Swing! 17 plus 7. The first time you swing, he raises a hand and a sword made of white light extends itself from his hand, and he parries. The second time, you catch him in the wrist. Roll for damage.

Cool. I rolled twice on him on this. Mm-hmm. It's a... Just a two on that one, unfortunately. It's a person. Uh... Six. Okay. it's a just a two on that one unfortunately uh uh six okay it's a nine nine eleven eleven and then what do i got there's no bonus on the halbert is there oh well raging so yeah there's a rage bonus isn't there yeah all right so I'm calculating his damage everyone roll for initiative and I'll tell you what you

see now I roll a 20 12 Gago got a 20 I got a 12 also What'd you get? You got a 20, Tom? Yes, Gago and I are going to get stuck in the doorway trying to shove our way through You got a 12? Blaine and I both got 12s Will you roll off for me real quick? Just do a 6 or whatever you got 17, 19 on me

5 Alright, so Or whatever you are. 17. 19 on me. Five. All right, so. Jeez, I'm putting a... Well, that doesn't fit. Too big. Holy shit. That big die is too big. Man, I broke your finger.

Magnet. Cool. And then I'm putting the rest of these... Oh, we got to roll the demolits initiative This is a demo with you guys I just heard him say it This will be a couple weeks But any metal heads

The new Actually this will go out next Monday Oh okay The new corrosion and conformity Is fucking amazing. Did you check it out, Sam? Were you ever a fan? Yeah.

It's not, you know, it's the southern version. It's the Pepper Keenan version, so it's not the hardcore, you know, which I like both versions of that band. I actually like the heavy uh you know where where it sounds like pantera meets um leonard skinner almost i like that version of uh corrosion conformity better not quite pantera but just heavier they've also got a thin lizzy vibe but like heavier and stonier just in the way the the you know the guitar harmonies and stuff but uh corrosion conformity do were you ever into them no i never heard them they've been around fucking forever

they've probably been around 35 years or something but uh yeah uh twee you notice um parrying in a sword fight with bode is a uh what looks like what used to be a human. It's wearing a black wizard's robe. It's in bare feet. It's bare-handed. Its hood is down, and it's bald. It's got pointy ears, large, bright red eyes, and little needle teeth. And it is some kind of vampire. I hate him.

I hate him rich. Okay. And he is laughing. Okay. Tom, is laughing. Okay. Tom, you are up. I got some... Shit. Firebolts.

All right. Is that a mistake? Um, shit. Firebolts. Alright. Is that a mistake? I'm doing it. I called it. No, I just like the way you said it. I'm not commenting. Okay. Um, so that's going to be...

Yes, sir. So, a little bit of those. Uh, what do we know about vampires in this world? Do they have the same rules? I mean, because we've fought these guys in different ways over this campaign. I mean, I feel like the first guy we just killed because he was asleep, or we killed him kind of easily. We killed him because he was a vampire on principle, pretty much.

Right, but we killed him easily because he was sleeping. Yeah, you pinned him down. You broke some stakes off of a wooden table and pinned him down. Right, so I think we've got to do some stakes as far as opposed to... Nine. Yeah, you fire these things and they just go... You don't really see much. Nice.

Gago is going to fly at this guy. I'm guessing my javelins are wood. Would that be a proper assumption? I granted them to you. They are wooden. Okay. Cool. Alright. That's one.

Does fire do anything to those assholes? Sunlight? Yeah, I know that. Garlic, silver, crosses. All right. Gago flies right between you two, Bodhi, and sprays acid in this thing's face. Cool.

And does a little tiny bit of damage. All right. And he starts swinging at Gago. Up next is Mesul Zemeliz. He looks at you, Bodhi, and says...

And waves his hand. And gets the waitress. Your armor class goes down two, and you hear a weird squishing noise coming from your shoulders. Okay. You're giving him a massage.

So put a minus two on your sheet for armor class. Bodhi, you're up. All right. P.S. You're raging. Oh, fuck. I was just going to do something really cool, but I can't. What were you going to try?

Oh, is it because it's shit from the bonus episodes? Yeah. Man, they're haunting you today. Well, yeah. I feel like you just let me get away with using the halberd though oh is that what you swung that's what i that's what i did the um dice on yeah i did oh you sneaky weasel but yeah you i should have been the herald of kelmar that's what i'll use from now on but uh anyway uh i didn't know it yet. I didn't roll that strong as it was.

That's how I couldn't tell because you didn't roll an insane damage. Yeah. So I'm going to take two javelins. I had thought of taking the javelins and taking the magic rope, which I don't have here. But I was going to put them together and make a cross with this necrotic damaged rope and just fucking drive

it through the guy. You still got those javelins. Yeah, so I'm going to make a cross with the javelins. I'm going to make a cross with the javelins and just try to get a chest shot on this dude. Go for it. I'm going to peek at something. Part of me feels like I should smack him around first

before I do that you know what I mean hmm no fucking I'm gonna roll a 20 I'm going straight javelin on him damn it so as you try to bring the business end of the two javelins down on his chest, he just sort of thwacks it away with his sword of light. Still get a second attack. You're going to do the same thing? Yeah. So that's a 15. That's still a no.

That one just glances off his shoulder. He just doesn't seem to register it. No weird effect of the cross touching him or anything like that? Well, I'm not quite done with Bodhi. Okay. No, no weird effect that you notice of the cross touching him. However, you do notice that your pauldrons of discs, the exoskeleton shoulders that you're wearing,

seem to be crawling off of you. Okay. The spines on them are kind of like walking themselves down your chest like little fingers. Fucking weird. All right. Tui, you're up. Tui, you're up.

I am going to... I'm going to use my little hand that moves away from me. Mage hand? My mage hand. And I'm going to... The hand that moves away from you is first edition. I'm going to reach into my backpack. I have a very, very large pie in there. I'm going to take this

pie out, and I'm going to use my hand to tap the Demolith on the shoulder, and when he turns around, I'm going to fucking put a pie right in his face. If there's no pie, I'm going to tap him on the shoulder, and when he turns around, I'm going to tap him on the shoulder. And when he turns around,

I'm going to fucking do a little three stooges in his flaming red eyes. And then also use my mage hand to grab him by his lower jaw and just pull his fucking jaw off. Whatever I can do while my hand's over there. Jesus Christ. What is with you? Now who's dropping the dice? Oh, the dice?

The dice today. We're in a weird gravity well here in Encino tonight, everybody. Dice trays like falling apart. We sent Scott Bacula out back in time to do some repairs. So as you do that

he just kind of dodges you tap him on the shoulder and he just kind of goes and then Mei-Chan goes over his shoulder can I kind of come around and go nope alright Luolven pokes her head out.

And starts casting a spell. You don't know what the fudge she is doing. And guess what? Some elves are charging towards you, but it's going to take them two turns because of how far in the center of the cavern everything is. No one wants to fire arrows because how close Bodhi is to the Demolith.

And I think that's it. So we are back to Tom. All right. I am going to shoot some arrows at him or a arrow Please try An arrow

Roll a 20 Hey stud muffin roll your god damn 20 dice Here it comes It's not time to read the book. Here it comes. Two, is that good? Nope.

You see the arrow sail into the distance and disappear into another dimension. Fuck me. Gago. Jesus Christ. Still kind of fluttering around. Tries to stab the Demolith in the head and misses. The Demolith... Who is still laughing.

Because he's an asshole. For the love of not waves a hand and you see something lowering from the ceiling about 20 feet up Bodhi you are up can't tell what's going on there's just sort of

loosening rock and some sort of loosening rock and some sort of weird formation coming out of the ceiling. Wow. Bodhi, you're up. Where is he? Right in front of you. You guys are kind of dueling a little bit.

You've been stabbing at him with some javelins. I'm going to heat up the Kalmar. Herald of Kalmar. Swingy swing? Yep. Go for it. 20.

That's a hit. Roll for Dimash, please. please drop a dice seven plus fire damage alright so let's hit one yeah so why don't you go for another cool 15 Jesus nice Jesus. Nice. And then three in fire damage. Great.

So you kind of just slash him right across the throat, and he spits a mouthful of blood at you. Tui, you're up. Hey, I have a... I have a question. I have answers. Is there any way to step out of the way once I do my action or I'm just stuck there? No, you can. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can use your bonus action to step out. Take a step back or to the side? Yeah, just kind of clear. Trying to disengage? Right. Okay. Okay. Two,

you're up. Uh, Hey, I have something that I discovered and I think that beholder room, it's a, uh, it's a scroll and it's called final countdown. What is my final countdown?

You. You got that scroll a long time ago. It was way before The Beholder. Hang on while I look at it. Are we heading for Venus? We are heading for Venus, aren't we? Dan, looking up the scroll is brought to you by Baskin-Williams. 51 flavors of paint.

Mmm. Mmm, paint. This is a homebrew spell. What are you YouTubing? I'm not. I'm not. What are you YouTubing? I'm not. What are you fucking doing? I was going to look up the lyrics to that shitty song. No, you're looking up Meghan Trainor.

I'm looking at her right now. I don't trust him. What is he doing? He's writing secrets about you, Dan. I don't want to. Okay, it'll take you three rounds of casting. It's basically you start a song. It goes for three rounds.

And at the end, it'll set off a spell inside a target. Oh, good. Of eldritch magic. Sounds good. Yeah, I'm doing it. All right, so Tweed busts out his ass loot. Guys, cover me. I have to read this.

And he just starts playing a little ditty are you reading? where's Lew Evan? a long time ago you've never cast this before so you're not exactly sure

I don't think you might have cast it like 30 episodes ago and I don't remember Lew Evan is up hey if you remember casting it you weren't there, man. She is pretty far away, but you see her. But up close. She's been levitating your way, trying to get within range.

Weird. Well, she's been levitating for a while. All right. She waves a hand, and it's hard to see but because Bodhi stepped out of the way, you suddenly see what looks like a giant demon face

appear in the Demolith's face. It looks like it tries to bite down on the Demolith. I like it. And does a handy bit of damage to him. Nice. He makes a sound that sounds like aluminum foil being dragged along the highway.

Stepping out of the way there. Here come some elves. Guess what? Stepping out of the way means some very fast little elf hands pull out some bows and arrows. I'm not that bows and arrows. I'm not that high and dumb. I'm paying attention. Because you step... Paying attention.

Paying attention. Paying attention. Paying attention. All of a sudden, from a distance, a hail of arrows fly into the Demolith, and he takes a butt pile of damage. Good. Tom, you're up. I will do something cool. Cool.

Oh, shit, my quality eyeglasses. Wait, no, no, no, no. See what you're going to do, Tom. I will cast a ray of sickness upon him. Give it a shot. A la Chipotle. I saw a ray of sickness. That's a nope.

It doesn't affect him. It's really great. He made a saving throw. Actually, right before we go, Gago is going to try and stab him. I saw a ray of sickness Stevens, actually. Gago. Wildwood Flower

Yeah Wasn't word Nothing but P.S. The streak The streak Look at that Look at that

It's the thing On two feet Just in the middle To ride on the nude Oh yes they call On the streak I think I've told you That story

I saw a streaker In the 70s right What was a streaker In the 70s Oh I was in a restaurant With my mom It was a It was like a Marie Callender's, but it was called Bumbleberry,

but it was just like it was a California-type Marie Callender's where there were a lot of pie options and that kind of thing. You also go and get a nice bowl of chili. I wish I would have had some pie options a couple rounds ago. Dude fucking came running in, and people are screaming, and he ran through, like ran by the salad bar, and then ran through. And I thought it was the greatest thing I'd ever seen in my life. I was like seven or eight years old.

People have the same reaction when they see a possum. Yeah, yeah. There were streakers around. I broke my wrist streaking around a McDonald's 12 years after that. You had to break your wrist? Yeah. Well, because I did it on my skateboard. Oh, okay.

I streaked on my skateboard. You naked skateboarded through a McDonald's. No. I took my clothes off while I was skating, so of course as I tried to tic-tac, my pants got caught on my skateboard because I was full of booze and marijuana. Screwing with my friends that worked

at the McDonald's. We were all hanging out in the parking lot and I went around in a circle and I fell in the driveway and broke my wrist and then got back up. Realized my wrist was fucked but I went the rest of the way completely nude. Carrying my

board. And now my pants are in my ankles and I'm running around. This is totally like the inspiration for a NoFX song. My friends were cheering and laughing. Wow. And Metallica was playing out of a, not the band, they weren't actually there,

but the music was coming out of the truck. My friend's truck as they ran around. The master of puppets. Enter Sandwich. You're like the bad guys in Back to the Future. Yeah. Gago flies right in the Demolit's face and starts stabbing,

and you just see these little arms going like... And he's singing a happy song, just of singing oh what is he goes uh he's just fucking buzz cocking up this guy's face um as he does that you see what looks like 10 foot long stone worms about six of them thud out of the ceiling as if they were being squirted out. They're kind of all around you. You also notice there's something small and wombat-sized

scurrying at you through the dust at a high speed that they'd plopped into existence the same time as the Demolith, and now they're heading at you. Can't tell what they are. They're real close to the ground, but they're heading at you can't tell what they are they're real close to the ground but they're they're flying how many are this um a lot okay so on that note that was episode 41 everybody scale tours dick by a man magazine brand passing calm dates coming up I've got buy mad magazine uh brianpassain.com

uh dates coming up I've got uh Austin, Texas uh Cap City I've got um fuck I want

what's the great place in Denver uh that um um oh Comedy Works Comedy Works

yeah Comedy Works yep and then I've got uh SF uh Cobbs coming up. I love Cobbs. All in February and March. Good dates.

See you there. I'm going to be doing a set over at the Economic Summit in Davos. So come check me out. Me and Ryan Stout. Oh, also. so come check me out me and Ryan Stout oh also oh Chris Fairbanks is going to be over there too go check out Chris he's great there's a cause

this band Violence that I loved growing up the singer Sean Killian is going through some major health problems right now so there's been a couple of benefits for him there's this thing Killian is going through some major health problems right now. And so there's been a couple of benefits for him. There's this thing Killian On Demand up in the Bay Area. And I want to give a link to that. So any violence fans want to help him out,

go to bit.ly bit.ly slash skillion skillion s-k-i-l-l-i-a-n bit.ly bit.ly slash skillion

thanks man that's it I know the band they were great great thrash band violins it was vio

and then dash lint yeah we'll we'll all look at violins cool

thanks for listening everybody thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can

follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also, uh, send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine and Sino, California, nine one four one six. Thanks for listening. I'm not done