Nerd Poker - Episode 6 - Nightmarish Chewing and a Vampire

Episode Date: May 24, 2017

Misophonia Trigger Warning: Ken decides to digest a slice of pizza directly into the mic and there's nothing to be done about it. But it eventually stops, and we hear our heroes! They meet a vampire named Count Ahmelegdha, and he is indeed a literal ruler of one of Amynna's counties. Will people get bitten? Is Ken too disgusting for the human ear to endure? Only time will tell.

Hey guys, each one of these episodes so far has had a disclaimer about the sound issues or, you know, the microphone issues. But this episode is especially hard to listen to. Episode 6, I just listened to it all the way through, and we had somebody sitting too close to the mic in this one. And so their breathing is accentuated, and when he eats pizza, it's really fucking disgusting and hard to listen to. So I would almost advise not listening to it. I'm putting it up because I know people are going to want to hear what happens in the story.

Dan is so good in this one. I sent Dan a text saying hey we should pull this one but then after i listened to it all the way through i really feel like uh what he does with this new character we're introduced to is worth listening to if you can make it through the ken noises maybe not sit close don't listen on your headphones maybe and don't sit close to the speaker and don't eat while you're listening to it probably and i will make a can issue an apology because this is going to be a tough one for your ears thanks for sticking with us guys enjoy nerd poker or try hey it's brian and you're listening to episode six of brian posain's nerd poker um i want to thank everybody again for listening we're having a blast uh i'd like to

plug a couple of live shows coming up this week uh dan telfer will be at the Hollywood Improv this Thursday at 10 p.m. I will be in Phoenix this weekend at Stand Up Live, Friday, Saturday, two shows Friday and Saturday, and one show Sunday. There's also a comic book convention there in town, so you might see me there.

And by might, I mean you will. Let's get into uh well if you want to uh check us out on patreon you can hear the second episode second bonus episode with uh joe manganello uh who came over here and uh recorded two um danger rooms with us for our Patreon followers. Those are both available at patreon.com slash nerdpoker. If you're one of our donors, you get two bonuses every month, and he did our first two bonuses. Those are a lot of fun. I hope you dig them. So here's a couple of donors that i've uh you know that people have handed me money recently

um in lexington kentucky i got a 20 bill it said nerd poker love todd thanks todd um got a nice little card with a little green monster it says uh congrats and the inside maya marth watch over tom twee and bode thank you for sharing what you love neil a scott uh dalton dalton finnegan and he's a sexy dwarf paladin um and uh inside it says uh good luck or congrats on your lovable little uh monster is uh It says, congrats on your lovable little monster is slashed out, and it says podcast. I guess this is a baby card. Nice. We're so glad you're back.

Thanks. You're the reason my husband started playing D&D. Tiffany Scott, High Priestess, Hera, Sousa-il. I know I'm butchering that. Sousa-il. Sousa-il? Sousquill? I know I'm butchering that Susa Ill Susa Ill? Susa Susquill? I'm sorry

High Priestess She's a High Priestess of all things And I'm butchering her fucking name Susa Kill And then Hey gang It's a card with a bearded lady Hey gang, thank you so much for bringing nerd poker back.

Here's five bucks to help keep it going. I'm not cheap, just a broke-ass singer in a garage band. My own D&D group doesn't gather very often, so it's great to walk my dog and listen to the snarky antics of you goofballs rolling dice. Thanks, Kurt. P.S. I've also included a hastily made business card from my band that I think Brian would dig.

Check that out. And then, hi Brian, we're huge fans of NerdPoker who, like many others, were inspired by the podcast to get back into D&D after a lengthy absence from gaming. And that's led to many hours of good times with friends and family. We enjoy the new adventures of yourself, Blaine, Ken, and Dan, and look's led to many hours of good times with friends and family. We enjoy the new adventures of yourself, Blaine, Ken, and Dan, and look forward to hearing more. We offer a donation to appease the podcasting

gods, so they might look favorably upon the fuck-em-if-they-don't. Sincerely, Kim, also known as Mod, the gray-haired rogue with sensible shoes, deadly knitting needles, and a body count in the dozens. And Garyary also known as arlo halen a shitty bard but a world-class arrow magnet awesome i love hearing about people's

characters that makes me laugh um so enjoy episode six of course uh once again there's still mic problems but that's all ironed out by episode 11 trust me we have multiple mics now so many mics more mics than people um that's it thanks for listening and of course you can follow me

my other stand up gigs at brianposain.com cause I'm in Vermont next week Vermont it's just Vermont right anyway I'm in Vermont next week. Vermont. Vermont. It's just Vermont, right? Anyway, this is 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Enjoy Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Brian Poussaint.

I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank Capach, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Pousshn's Nerd Poker.

Hi. I'm Brian Possehn. You're listening to Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Friends. That's us. Not that many. Some people. Three of them are here tonight that's not all of them?

you've narrowed it down a bit I'm four of them, how many are you tonight? I'm one and two I'm the ghost of a friend that's Dan and I'm the four and I'm also the head house five plus two

that's America's blame to patch thanks America I'm glad you finally renounced your Mexican heritage I'll never stop renouncing my Mexican heritage renouncing is what I think it means right celebrate and wonder solidarity

this episode was brought to you by right celebrate in I believe it's Glen Rose yeah it's delicious it's really nice and Casio I It's also brought to you by Casio. Hi, Casio. I visited Grilla Mall two nights ago. Oh, shit. Still no free t-shirt for being a famous patron at Grilla Mall. I don't know what I've got to do. I've got to get my big break so I can just march in there. What did you order? Free animal fries.

Vegan something? They have good veggie burgers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been super into that place. Yeah, they do a nice handmade in-house veggie burgers. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been super into that place. Yeah, they do a nice handmade in-house veggie burger. I like that. I always like a homemade veggie burger. They're so far. I have

to be like... Yeah, you're far away. I have to have something to do in Pasadena for me to go over there. It's five minutes from my house. Yeah, so... Where is it? In Pasadena? That's still in bed. Alhambra. Oh, that's not bad. But I have to be in that area. Yeah, it's a suburb of Pasadena. You know I always go to weird towns.

It's amazing I haven't been there. Gentlemen, on the last Nerd Poker, our heroes realized that by going underground, time would shift in the strange land of a minute. And by trying to escape,

time would also shift. You gentlemen are perhaps not sure if it's a mere coincidence that going underground made you appear to go back in time and trying to leave made you go forward in time. But the little outpost

of settlers and merchants that you had been visiting had been replaced when you got off the boat by the ashen ruins of an encampment. There were no signs of bodies, but there were also no people. You saw some strange

deer-like creatures, which when you cut them in half, withered into little slabs of meat. So they appear to have been enchanted in some way. Terrible. And a large bat creature with about a 15 foot

wingspan. Not 15 feet! 15 whole feet Wayne. Began circling you guys like a vulture. Anything after six is really scary. It's a couple of people in a row sideways.

And our dear friend Tom volleyed a few arrows into its neck. And it is just about to land. I believe Bodhi had some interest in slicing it from

face to tummy. Aww. Let me do that. Tell me, Wubby. I will tell you. First I will roll. You guys, this thing has humanoid legs.

No! And when it lands... Leg it back. It uses the thumb of its wing to pull the arrows out of its neck. The thumb of its wing. I hate this thing. And it does kind of like a throaty giggle. It goes...

Charles S. O'Reilly. It's a fallen bird. That is the worst kind of bird. It is... It is about Bodie's height. It's about seven feet tall. Who's up why don't you guys

roll a 20 for me won't you sure do you have a little dishes you want me to roll an actual thing

because I just did what would you get 20 oh lovely yeah I don't know those were out because it was Valentine's Day

oh we need Valentine's Day Valentine's Day. Oh, we need Valentine's Day dice dishes. My wife had some little dish out here on this table. Oh, good luck. Isn't that great? You're not great.

Oh, classic Brian. Finally, I've been judged. It's a long time coming, but I've been rated on the Brian Posehn Hot or Not website. I remember that guy. Wait, wait. Twee's trying to talk to you guys. 14.

A 14? Yeah. Yeah? Okay. It sounded like, It was like a bigger dish than this, right? It's not these little soy sauce dishes. Anything to sort of like keep it in there. Do you have sort of like maybe like a little

like a finger bowl? Maybe something for like, you know, like a cucumber salad? Or a monkey dish? That's more of a monkey dish. Well, this is like a small salad. Um... It will go... Um... It'll go Tom,

Giant Bat, That'll work, and it's annoying. Tweed and Bodhi. Alright, I'm going to arrow it some more. Cut the blades, the average will prove. Give it a whirl, won't you? I shall. Let me see what my

arrowing is. Got it. I'm so glad you did get it. 1d6, okay. So I roll to arrow. Please do. That's a no.

Big ol' deuce. Deuterino. Your arrow goes flying right past its neck. You almost hit it right in the same spot. And the last. And the bat creature speaks. It says,

Gentlemen, gentlemen, there's no need for violence. Oh my god. What the fuck? Who said that? The giant bat with human legs. Hey, what's your name? Furry human legs.

Hey, I'm rolling to pee. What's that? I peed. You don't have to roll. You succeeded in peeing. What's your name, bat guy? Tweet, you want to take a swing at this guy? Pause. We're going to take a swing at this guy? Pause.

We're gonna take a quick break for a piece of time. I'm gonna see you guys. And we're back! Alright, so... This bipedal bat is insisting that violence is not necessary. Blaine, what would you like to do? How close am I to this thing? You're about, say, 15 feet.

About as far as his wings are wide. He landed right in front of you guys. Huh. You know... He's a little spastic, he's a little giggly, he doesn't seem too afraid of you though. I forget, had he done anything to us yet? Nope. But Tom didn't like the look of him when he was circling, so he took some pot shots at him.

And he hasn't defended himself so far either. Not at all, no. Oh, God. Hardly friends. What are you? Gentlemen! I... I'm...

I had the pleasure of sharing some of the dominion over this land, and I really would love to tell you more, but I would first like to make sure that we have an understanding. No more bloodshed, please. You guys don't know a whole lot about bats. You haven't seen them up close. This guy's got huge nostrils going up his whole forehead and he's got a couple rows of teeth. I'm not sure what you make of that, but you definitely haven't seen something like this

before. Sure. What were you saying, Brian? Well, I have danger sense, so I don't have detect evil, but do I sense danger? You definitely, this guy's making the hairs on the back of your neck stand up a bit. Okay. Anybody else have like an actual detect evil spell? No?

I mean, that's a dangerous sentence, right? Essentially. Essentially, yes. What are you feeling, Blaine? Not quite a lie detector. You don't know for sure if you can trust this guy. He introduces himself as Count Amalekta. Good boy. Count Amalekta.

Count Amalekta. Is he wearing clothes? Nope. But he's got enough fur that it's not distracting. Is he wearing jewelry or amulets? Yes, actually. He has or amulets? Yes, actually. He has an amulet. Does he hunt like a bat or a human?

Honestly, all of him looks very anatomically bat-like. Like a bat upside down. If he didn't have humanoid furry legs, you'd think that he was all bat. Just a giant bat. You think she's all bat? He says, gentlemen, gentlemen, please, if you just head with me to the northeast, you can see it from here. See what from here?

My abode! You see there's a... You actually noticed this about a day ago before you went underground, but there's, it looks like the ruins of an old castle up in the hills, and you're realizing he's referring to this thing you'd sort of

only casually looked at before. What do we know about Draculas? Yeah, what do we know about Count? You tell me. I'll let you, I'll tell you you guys don't have any first-hand experience with vampires, but... I like that, but...

Otherwise, I'll translate one-to-one your player knowledge of vampires to your character knowledge of vampires. Okay. Is it daytime? No. It feels like dusk. The sun is having a real tricky way of showing when it's exactly going to set and rise. But since you got off the boat, you're not sure what time of day it is,

since you don't even really know what day it is. We have a cross on. Lekas, you notice, he's not saying anything, but he is a cleric and he does appear to have some sort of religious sigil on his shield. Which he's kept on his back so far. He hasn't really used it in combat. He's been swinging his hammer with two hands. It's good to know we have that. You know what I would like to do?

Lekas, if you're just tuning in, is your dragonborn friend who you just met when you landed here. I would like to sort of... I'm going to get my loot off, my new loot, my DOS loot and I'm going to strum a little make it sound like I'm tuning up but I would like to cast myself a protection from evil sounds good

sure can as you start strumming Kahnemalekda starts shifting a little uncomfortably, none of you have spoken to him since he's introduced himself. You're not attacking, but uh, Lekas is starting to look at you with his one good eye, as if to imply which one of us should address this, oh, this thing. Um, anyone who wants to speak for our party? Um, Tom? to speak for our party.

Tom? I got some good charisma. There you go. What's your charisma, Tom? 18. Lovely. Way more than mine. Yeah.

He's too extreme. Are you going to show us around your castle or something? Yes, yes. I have the luxury of inheriting a castle just over there. Want to go look at it, guys? Sure. Yeah, why not? I like castles.

All right. Good, good. We can use some men of your caliber if we can come to some sort of agreement. This is a cookbook. Interesting. Well, you know, I have been greeting many of the visitors who've come here to this land, but none as strong and as impressive as all of you. Yeah, I'm feeling that.

He's hungry for our muscles. Would you feel more comfortable if I asserted myself as a man? He says it in the most awkward way possible. A man what? A man. He wraps himself in his wings and becomes a man. Oh, this is a dude, you guys. Oh, okay.

It's not bad. It's a dude. I have no shame about my nature. Apparently not. Show us around your house. Very well, very well. He has short, cropped black hair. What are the rules his you gotta invite them in

his eyes their places his eyes are kind of beady they're kind of small and black without any whites

and he's got kind of like a velvet suit on it doesn't look like it's from like an earth like

like a velvety suit but it's it looks very pompous and it's from an earth-like velvety suit, but it looks very pompous. It's Liberace. Yeah, yeah. Almost Liberace in nature. And he turns his back on you, and he starts just walking towards the castle. It looks like from here it'll be about

a day's walk. You might have to actually stop once. You're not sure what exactly you've just agreed to. How do you travel so far to get up? What was he doing down here? Do you want to ask him that?

Lekas hears you talking about being suspicious and he's definitely nodding along and he wants to say him. Khan of Aleka turns around and says, Why I'm from here? This is my land. I mean,

I'm not in charge. I'm no king. Right. He just owns the land. What are you doing so far away from your house? Oh, I'm not in charge. I'm no king. Right. Who are you doing so far away from your house? Oh, I was greeting the many visitors that come here. Have there been many visitors lately? Yes, yes. Many merchants and a few warriors such as yourself, but none as refined and strong. Where have they gone? Oh, they're all at my home.

Don't worry, none of them are dead. I'm not a murderer. Why would you say things like that? You seem so suspicious of me. A little bit. Is there anything I can do to allay your fears? Anybody else? Lekas straight up looks to you guys and goes,

you know what this guy is, right? Yeah. This is like a, this is a vampire. Yeah, yeah. Keep your shield handy. This guy's a vampire. Yeah, totally a vampire. You sure you want to go with this guy?

Yeah. What do you want with this in your house? What is everybody doing there? Again, these are my lands. These people, once they come to my castle, they find a niche for themselves. It's sort of a community in progress, you know. Yeah.

Well, maybe we can rescue some people or become... Your danger sense hasn't really gone down. Right, I would imagine. Yeah. And you get the feeling that because this guy's clearly a vampire, it's never going to go down. Even if he turns out to somehow be a good vampire, it would still trigger something in you.

Right, right. It's unnatural. Yeah, you're totally triggered. You're going to go write a Daily Dot article about this. I've never been triggered before in my life. Is it an Adam Sandler vampire? Or a Bela Lugosi vampire? Neither.

I'm trying to think of a good comparison. He's almost like... What do we do in the shadows. He kind of gives you a what we do in shadows, like Jemaine Clement kind of vibe. My New Zealand accent's not great. I would commit a little harder.

Your trial and error is on point, though. I can't imagine what you're looking up, Brian. So you guys walk for a while. Yeah, I don't want to take a shot at this guy. You notice... I'm going to get killed. Yeah, and you notice Luckus doesn't take a shot at him either but he without feeling any shame

about it takes his hammer off of his belt and just sort of starts patting it in his hand while you're walking like he's ready to attack this guy at any moment we need garlic, steaks crosses you only get

a little bit past the clearing and into the woods before the mist gets really heavy. The javelins are all wood, right? Depends. Yeah, it does depend. You got a javelin? I have four. AMC javelin? I'll say they're steel-tipped, but they're mostly made of wood.

They're fighting Javelin. They've got some kind of point to them that's not wood. He says, don't mind the mists. I don't want to take the steel tips off, right? Hmm? I don't want to take the steel tips off, I think. Just use the mistakes. Oh, that would be your choice.

I can't guide you on that. I think it still works. As long as you get some wood in there. Oh, yeah. The steel tip would still puncture their skin I thought it had to be wood I think anything will puncture their skin it's just the wood that kills them maybe not I don't know

you go further in the mist it's all mist and trees now you can no longer see the castle in front of you but without turning around he says don't worry I know it's unsettling taking this route but I've nothing to fear from me. What do you guys think?

I'm fascinated. Does this ever work for you? What do you mean? Do you get victims like this? Is this how it works for you? He says, oh, please. I've been able to drink blood for hundreds of years, and I've

never killed a soul. I'm very peaceful. He just turns people. Right, but you turn people. Well, that's what he's talking about. Turn people. Maybe you're not familiar with the customs of a minute, but I feel your language is a bit coarse. I'm not the only

vampire on the island. I'm not the first vampire on the island I'm not the first vampire on the island Oh shit Not the oldest I'm not the most powerful There's certainly worse Worse things than vampires on this island Oh yeah like what

Oh you know Spirits, beasts They're in the air And they're in the ground and the mountains and the woods. This whole place is fucked. This place is full of fuck. What do you think? I have other characters that I've played that would have already killed this guy, but I'm... He stops and he says...

Thinking Bodhi. He says, you know what? This is taking a bit of a long time I think I can get us there a little faster and he stops and he concentrates and um you hear a sort of uh

raspy hissing noise coming from him he's still got his back to you what do you think raspy hissing noise coming from him. He's still got his back to you. What do you think? I'm impressed that your guys was restrained. I'm not, I'm not telling you. Why not? I want to see what he's

going to turn around and show. Right now he's about to feel like we're in the common of toads and you want to see something really, really scary. Maybe he's going to turn into a bus. I will say, I do think

Maybe a ski-doo? Tom, as a tiefling, you do you have been familiar enough with fey creatures and creatures of the night and you know this is not as evil as a vampire as you have said.

You've never heard of a good vampire Right But you're a weird vampire He's definitely eccentric and weird But Your comment about I'm not going to attack him I don't think is unfounded Because I think you expected him to have been much more aggressive

Yeah There's no direct sunlight. He seems like he is pretty powerful, so... It makes sense that Tom would kind of stay on his heels a little bit. Yeah, well, I already attacked him. Yeah, yeah. As a bat, I fired him. The fact that he didn't attack back, I think, is a sign of good faith.

That's what I think. That's why I'm not attacking you. Let's see what happens. He kills us. He hisses for a little longer and the mist around you is kind of gray. All of a sudden, Con of Allegda evaporates into black mist. Much darker than the gray mist around you And He turns Almost invisible You barely see an aura of him And then he snaps back into humanoid form

He's kind of still hunched over And he shakes his shoulders As if he's trying to get some Some dandruff off He kind of brushes himself off And he says There, do you see it? Do you see it?

The lights of my castle is only a little ways now. And you realize as you look around the mist it's not the same part of the woods that you were in a moment ago. That's cool. I'm still interested.

You walk over a little bit of an incline and there is a drawbridge there are torches the castle seems well lit and you do see people walking around okay how do these people look

pale, dark rings around their eyes? That kind of thing? Much. If I listen really hard, can I hear people going, Blah, blah. Blah, blah. Yes.

You don't see anyone else that looks like a vampire, but you definitely get the sense that these are thralls. These are some kind of... Sparkly. No that these are thralls. These are some kind of sparkly. No, these are vampires. I'm saving him for like a couple big fights later. I'm waiting until you guys get to

Seattle. And then you'll get to meet the Pattinson monster. So, yeah, all these people are doing menial tasks. None of them seem in tasks. None of them seem in pain. None of them are poorly dressed, and they do

just sort of look like the merchants you saw, but they do seem pale. They don't seem to talk much. It's like a black hole. Well, what are we doing here? Exploring. Right, but I don't want to get turned.

Come to my dining hall. We need to have a discussion, I think. I need to talk to these guys first. You don't trust me, I understand. I'll tell you what, my dining hall is just up there. That short flight of stairs over there, just follow the torches. It's well lit. The doors are open.

But I'm just going to go have a drink and I'll get settled and you come on in anytime you please. Flee to the woods. I don't care. I know where to find you. He just walks off. Alright. Well, he threatened us. Who threatened us?

He just said I know where to find you. Flee to the said, I know where to find you. I know where to find you. Why are you not... Because I attacked him and he didn't care. He didn't attack back. He didn't do anything. But still, I don't want to be his slave. No. I don't either.

I don't either. Like it says, I think we should try to talk to some of these people. I think we should try to... Sure. He's like, I don't want to go in there, and I don't want to run away. I don't like any of this.

Grab one. He actually looks around and manages to find the bartender that was serving you guys drinks last time you were in the enchantment. I remember that, dude. And he doesn't want to talk. Shrugs off on the leg

to talk to him. I'm sorry, Lekas talking to him. Alright. He's under a spell. I'm going to roll intimidation on him Whatever it is if Lycus flashes him a shield Try to

Talk to him You wanna You wanna Suggest that? Uh huh Um Well let's let Let's let uh

Okay Let's let Bodhi Take a swipe at this What are you doing? Intimidation? Yeah I was thinking of trying that Just trying to get him to talk. Do you know where it is?

Oh, my charisma isn't high, but I still have it. Let's see. What do I roll? Okay, enough. Nerd Poker is brought to you by Charmin Selecticize. When you take a ship, but it's not too big.

Charmin Selecticize. Wow, that's small. According to the player's handbook, you can't do it till 10th level. Okay Well, why do I have that written down? Because you're optimistic Beginning a tenth level you can use your action to frighten someone with your menacing presence when you do so Choose one creature you see within 30 feet of you. If the creature can see or hear you, it must

succeed on a wisdom saving throw. Or be frightened of you until the end of your next turn. What race are you? Is it a racial thing, maybe? It's a berserker specialized. Yeah. Well, here. what's your strength you're a big fucking dude why don't you just try grabbing him by the the neck and shaking Alexa Lexus is being pretty softball with this guy yeah's true. You'll be shaking it.

It's like a 19 strength, I think. Okay. Tim, you want to shake the baby? Yes. So, he's stocking alcohol into a cabinet, or what you think is alcohol. They're just dark bottles. cabinet or what you think is alcohol or just dark bottles. I channel the Undertaker and I put my hand around his neck. He starts panicking and grabbing at his throat and gasping. You want to ask him something?

Yeah. What's going on? What happened to you? What's going on here? He says, help us. Okay. See, now we have a purpose. There we go. You don't mean, like, move, right? Who do we kill? I have to... Who's the lead vampire here?

I don't know. I don't know anything don't know anything please just help us yeah big cheats vampire yeah all he can really manage to get out of his versions of help us he doesn't seem to know what's going on he does seem weak as you as you grab him around is Corey Haynes the guy fucking Corey Haynes' mom around god I don't know who oh yeah yeah yeah no he's Edward

yeah yeah that's what Count Amalegda does give you a sort of vague young Kiefer Sutherland vibe um but uh

yeah he just he just doesn't seem to have any answers he feels very Alex Winter a vampire in that yeah

yeah yeah yeah fucking uh uh Bill Espresso the next part right um

but yeah this guy feels very light in your hand. You feel like he's maybe been here a while. Okay. He seems much less healthy than you expect when you pick him up. He's light in his clothes. Let's go into this... Should we go into this dining hall and then see what's up and then sort of be on our toes?

Yes. Lekas is shaking his head, but he agrees. But he agrees. He'll do whatever you guys decide. I say we lure him out into the courtyard again. Out in the open.

Okay. How do we do that? into the courtyard again. Out in the open. Okay. How do we do that? I don't know. I think we'll just stand here and he'll come out eventually. Darren. Darren. Call his name? What do you think, Darren?

What if I... We could dress up like Mae West and just like... I was thinking of... Run thinking of taking my shirt off putting my hair in a ponytail and playing the saxophone Oh man You must have had a beautiful baby I was in a bar in Vancouver

and that song came on. Which song? One of the, that Lost Boys. Oh, yeah? Oh, God.

Wow. Tim Capella. Where, where are we in relation? I'm just trying to, the halls up this, uh, up this stairwell,

we're in the, yeah, it's like 50 feet away like you're in the you're in a courtyard already yeah it looks like everybody's fixing up the courtyard it looks like it was outside yeah and it was it looks like it was a good area it looks like it was in disrepair but all these people that have sort of been transplanted to the castle are fixing it up a little bit oh so this is like a Scientology place. The club puts it there. It totally gives you a science... You feel like

Count on the Legs has maybe invited you in for a free personality test. Oh, man. There's a showing of the diabetics. I like the idea of getting them to get out. Did you guys read the scrolls from Leo of Remini? I think you should still talk all about that. Lekas volunteers

to do the luring if you like the idea. I do. He sort of squares himself right in the middle of the courtyard and just shouts towards the doorway, I don't get it! I didn't closed spaces with the damned! Get out here!

You guys wait for a little while. And then you see Kana and Malegda leave his hall and start walking towards you. Shaking his head, his hands on his hips. He seems disappointed. But he's, uh, he still doesn't look violent. shaking his head, his hands on his hips. He seems disappointed.

But he still doesn't look violent. Okay. What do you guys want to do? Micah's just digging his heels in. He's ready to just straight up attack this guy. Okay, let's see what happens. You going to let him take the lead on this? He seems to have a little bit of tunnel vision

about what he wants to do next. Lichas? Yeah, Lichas wants to just get a little righteous. I'm wondering if we can use this guy to get to the higher-ups. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. They're supposed to just kill him. Where is he in relation to us?

It's like a slight bend In the courtyard path up to the hall And he's just gotten down off the stairs Like I said he's about 50 feet away So you feel like it'll only take him a minute Is he in human form now? Yes he's in human form How tall is he in human form? He's not a big man.

No, not at all. In fact, he's like 5'7". He's pretty short for a human. Okay. Who turned you? Who made you what you were? Is that what you're asking? Uh-huh.

Um... He, uh... He kind of laughs to himself, and he says, Why? No one's ever asked me that before. Oh, great. I'm curious. He tells you a story of, you know, he's the legitimate count of this area. And many years ago, a visiting merchant came and turned to him. Visiting merchant?

Yeah, not that powerful, but then he realized after only a few weeks that many of the other Counts and Lords of this island country had also turned. Had been turned or turned after him?

Had been turned either right before or right after him he suspects this merchant made the rounds and kind of laughs again to himself but he says it in kind of I'm kind of

robbing you guys a little bit of the experience because I feel silly doing it all in character but when he says it in kind of a I'm kind of robbing you guys a little bit of the experience because I feel silly doing it all in character but when he says it it's got a very strange tone to it he says it kind of like oh well you know this merchant came through and

yes he turned all of the local lords and counts and yes who knows what happened to this merchant. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. Can we pause for a second? Totally, let's pause for a second. And we're back. Let's do it.

Okay. So Blaine has been playing, Tui has been playing a little song to himself. And it affords him a rather unique perspective of what's going on. You guys don't feel like you're being charmed at all. You feel like you've been extremely skeptical and more than willing to attack this guy. Tui, you don't get the impression that these guys look charmed or anything like that,

but you do, as you play, get a strange vibe that he is casting some sort of passive spell off of himself that is evil. He's doing some sort of casting while he talks.

You're not entirely sure if he is indeed just whistling while he works. If this is just sort of what vampires do, as you haven't really encountered one this close before. If you would always get this vibe playing a Doss loot

around a vampire But uh You get a feeling that he's Using another part of his brain To do something perhaps Okay Interesting Maybe he's just tapped into dark magics

Permanently And these people... He gives off an active aura compared to everyone else around you. Right. And he's sort of, I guess, like, passively directing them to do stuff and take care of things. Perhaps, yes.

But it doesn't work on me, does he know? It doesn't work on me? He doesn't seem to be really trying to do anything to your party at the moment. Oh, okay. None of you get that impression. Blaine, Tui included. Who is the vampire over you? Is there some...

You said you're not the... I'm not the most powerful thing around here. Who is? Oh, it's not a vampire. I can tell you that much. He lets us live here. Honus? I can't remember.

Horo? Horo. He tried to serve me. He really did, but he could never make it past the woods. Jesus, we didn't ask for your life story. Wait, who? I visited Oro. He was a strange bar, much stranger than you twee.

Manon. That's right. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oro was the guy that we met. Yeah, yeah. He was the one. Oh, you're talking about the god of the sea. Manon.

Heed Manon, we were told. That's right. So, he laughed to himself and he said, Manon has no power here. Oh. Hmm. Manon. Manon.

Oh. Hmm. I don't know what I have. Do-do-do-do. Um, Lekas grits his teeth a little bit. Yeah. And says, uh,

I don't believe you. It occurs to you that it might be a sigil of Manan on his shield. Oh. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. So he's sort of protected too. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Huh.

What do you guys want to do? Does he flash his shield at a friend? Yeah. But he once he took his sort of attack stance, he pulled his shield off his back, and he just sort of had it in front of him.

And there didn't seem to be any reaction from... He's not reacting in fear at all. Right now, the count seems sort of irritated that you guys didn't come inside as if you're ignoring the local custom. Well, the local custom may be killing strange travelers so I don't really want to heed that custom yeah yeah ready to stab I'm killing I kind of like the senses that you're all very tense.

You're not enjoying his hospitality. You're found the foot rubs. And he says, Very well. It is almost nightfall. I know it can be hard to tell around these parts, but indeed the sun will set in its entirety soon, so if you like,

you're welcome to stay on my castle grounds. There will be no consequence. There's no danger to you. The torches will stay lit all night, but it is certainly safer here than it is in the woods. Then perhaps we can parlay over breakfast, speak as just

gentlemen of different lands, and find a happy wavelength between us. Oh, man. And I've snuck away now, and then his office going through his desk. Do you want to try and sneak past him? You want to split off?

It's going to be with a flashlight in my mouth. Look at the file. What's Lekas for? Lekas says, I'll tell wipe my mouth. I was like, what's Lekas for? Lekas says, I'll tell you what, I'll go sleep just outside your gates, but I will not sleep on your grounds.

Alright, well, we gotta stay with him, I think. Take shifts. Okay. I don't want to just fight this dude right now. How strange that he's going to be out in the morning if he's a vampire. Yeah.

That's what I'm curious to see. That sort of runs over your head, but I think it's as he just referenced, how thick the mist is. It seems as though the mist is so thick in Amina, it protects vampires enough they can walk around in the daylight Son of a bitch

Wow this is sort of like Cape Cod for them Martha's Vineyard So is that the compromise you guys want to make You want to set up a little encampment Yeah let's go to Martha's Vineyard Let's do that and take shifts Sounds good Is that the compromise you guys want to make? You want to set up a little encampment? Yeah, let's get him Martha's finger. Let's do that and take shifts.

Sounds good. You want to try and talk? Take shifts. It starts getting a little darker. Count on the leg to gestures silently. And some, let's just say travelers of indiscriminate career come over and offer you all some heavy blankets and some tents. Isn't that nice? Isn't that nice?

Okay. Lekas sort of grinds his teeth as he takes a tent and refuses the blanket. He's going to nice us to death. And he returns to his hall. He shuts the doors behind him, and you're allowed to clank as he locks to his hall. He shuts the doors behind him, and you're allowed to clank as he locks his front door against you, even. Wow.

He's afraid of us. And you notice none of the people stop working. No, why would they? It's their job to keep working. So they all just keep about their tasks, but it starts getting dark. All right. You guys want to go start your shifts?

Yeah. Yeah, unless there's a bar or something around. With people to talk. There is a bar, actually. The bartender's... Yeah, but he's super chatty. Well, you didn't try to order a drink from him. You tried to shake him.

He has everything, even an eyelid. He just wanted help. Do you want to go over and chat someone up before you... Yeah, let's talk it up in the bar and see what's going on. Yeah, that's a good idea. But not the bar from near dark. Uh, seeming

kind of dispirited and dejected, the bartender says, I've got whiskey, but that's all you can drink. Nothing else here is... We'll do the whiskey. Nothing else here you'd want to drink. Yeah, let's have some then.

He serves you up some whiskey. Hopefully we can help you out in this situation. He shakes his head and he seems deep enough under a spell that he's only really capable of responding with being depressed.

Is there anybody else around that we can chat up? Lots of people, yeah. You'd guess that in this courtyard alone there's a 50 60 people just walking around anybody else drinking drinking enjoying themselves anybody no no no in fact you notice this bar is actually nicer than what he had back at the encampment this is I got a large banner it's in another language but he's got a large banner in brightly painted colors.

And it does seem almost like a visitor's sort of drinking table set up at the front gate. Cheers. But there's nobody else drinking, but us. Sounds like a

Hyatt Wichita. What's it for? Why is there a bar here? That's weird. But there's nobody else drinking but us. Mm-mm. Sounds like a... What's it for? Why is there a bar here? That's weird. I guess to lure people in. Do you want to ask him? Why is there a bar here? That's weird. He says... He said there will be much drinking tomorrow.

Not whiskey, though. Like health blood or anything, right? Tomorrow we have guests. Who are the guests? I don't know. The master won't tell me. Bob and Ray? As long as it's not us.

We're not guests. You are guests. In fact, the master has made it clear to me you may have whatever you like to drink free of charge. For tomorrow. This is the first time I'll see if anyone referred to him as the mexter. Uh-huh. Right.

That little felon up here. This guy was turned fairly recently. He wants help. Yeah, this is the guy that asked for help. Everybody roll for perception.

This is the guy that asked for help. Everybody roll for perception. Twelve. No. Eleven. What you got? You got it? Oh, great.

Yeah, I did too. I got 12. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You all notice there is a child in the middle of the courtyard staring at you. Everyone else is moving. I love children, but I don't like this child. Is he or she sexy? No, he's about five years old.

Oh, okay. Forget it, then. What is it? Does he look... Oh, he appears human. He's not all fucked up like other people? No, he's fucked up. He still seems pale and dispassionate. Is he just staring at us?

He's just staring at you. No expression? No expression. Yuck. Well, it depends what you mean by term. As far as you can tell, this is just sort of someone under the spell. You don't know if this is a vampire or anyone here is a vampire.

These could all just be... Oh, I was assuming everybody had been already... Maybe your character does, but there's nothing here that makes... There are... Makes a clear distinction that they're not just being drained for blood or under a spell. Oh, well, I look at the bartender's neck. Does he have obvious marks? He's got a little scarf on. Aww.

Nice to see his scarf. And now that you notice, you notice everyone's got kind of something around their neck. Almost as if for the weather. Can I see your scarf for a second? You know it's under there. You weren't wearing a scarf earlier. Derek? No. So the lead

vampire is Steven Tyler? We've all got extra scars tied around our own personal mic stand that we've been given by the Massacre. A giant basset just plumped through here. That's a new thing you're going to get, listeners.

Yeah. 700-pound basset hounds will wander through the gate. This studio has dogs walking on hardwood floors because we're not necessarily anymore. Sounds like CB radio slang. We got dogs walking on hardwood floors.

Come on. What do we do? Well, I either want to go or kill him. Why don't we kill him while he's asleep? Lekas nods. Does he ever sleep?

He likes the sound of this. Well, actually, no. Probably not. He probably sleeps in the early morning, right? There's never light, so I don't know when he sleeps. Well, he did lock his door. Lekas gets a mischievous grin on his face and says he does

indeed seem to walk around in the day like it's what us, I think, may be. Here, they reverse their sleep schedules. Who wants to try to get this lock? I believe that's you, Tom. I'll tie for it.

Now, I'll pay for all that shit. Do you want to perhaps case this place? As I look at the time, I will go ahead. You all have, we're at 51. You all have the common sense to think,

should we pick the front door? You know, this castle courtyard's got a little bit of room to it. Maybe we should find another way inside. That's a good idea. Alright. I do have a burglar's pack and all of that stuff. Thieves tools,

if you will. Yeah, my thiever's ink. Thieves tools if you will Yeah my Thieves I'll let you take the lead on that then Alright Um Lekas says Hey

Is that kid over there staring at us Yeah I hate him That's why I want to do something else. I don't know. Do you want to ask him? Lekas suggests that perhaps the reason no one's really paying that much attention to you but this one child is

is because that child is acting as the eyes of the count. Alright. You want to kill the kid? Um, he let him say no. Okay.

However, he would be happy to distract the child. Okay. Maybe ask him to help set up the little camp outside the gates and play along while one of you or all of you goes

and tries to find another way inside. Good idea, Lekas. So he walks over to the child and says something and sure enough the child follows him.

Is there any fight in the coyote out there? Nah. Just having a grumbly poop? One of the other dogs. Ah, okay. Is it a monster? I suspect a monster.

Great, so, uh... Why don't you, uh... Who's gonna lead this? I'm gonna look around. Yeah, I'm gonna look around. Yeah, I'm gonna look around. I'm gonna check this place out. See what's going on. You get the

vibe right away that this place is trashed. It seems like if you had to guess, the Count came by his fancy new outfit recently. Everything here looks like it's having new things added to it. There's literally people walking up to the castle walls and chiseling like mud out from between the cracks of the, what do you call it, the cobblestone sides of the castle.

They're cleaning it up. They're cleaning it up. sides of the castle. They're cleaning it up? They're cleaning it up. And sure enough, you find a cellar door that looks caved in, but you think between the three of you, you could move the rocks around and slide through.

There's no door necessary. It's in like a corner of the courtyard where it doesn't appear that anyone's watching. The big question is, do you guys want to start messing with this as a group? Does one of you want to go back and try and find Lekas and do something about this kid?

What do you want to do? Let's open it as a group. Yeah, I think so. Lekas can deal with the kid. Cool, why don't you guys roll your decks? Decks. Decks. For what? Dax. Four.

Fifteen, yeah. Still under. Nice. Alright, you guys managed to get this thing open pretty easily. And you can all head down into what looks like the lower level. Oh! The lower level of a vampire castle. Is it lit well here?

Whoa. His front hall seemed to be pretty well cleared, guys. Sleeping child, doofus. I said it as loud as I could um you get the impression his front hall was well lit it may even still be well lit but you it's pitch black here here right light up a torch uh yeah um i guess we have information weravision I have a torch All three of you

You all can see in the dark So screw that You chose wisely race wise You and I also have a carrot spell So what do you say Shall we call it Yes Well thanks for listening to NerdPoker You guys this has been a pizza-rific So, what do you say? Shall we call it? Yes.

Well, thanks for listening to Nerd Poker, you guys. This has been a pizzarific, basseterific episode. Yeah, thanks, everybody. See you next time. Thanks for listening. Pa-pa-pa. Chim-chim-chim. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Sino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. He's the doctor. We're the doctor. Say the doctor's name. Thanks for listening.