Nerd Poker - Episode 82 - Don't Look Down

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

There's a very small space between a swarming cloud and the sheer mountain-face, but the Ice Five are determined to not let that get in the way of their plan to get to the altar of the Tenebrous One.�...�Even if their plan kind of stops at getting there. All they have to do is climb really high and hope nothing Amarth Amon happens...

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, we've got our August drawing here for our winner. Thank you to everyone in the Stargoyle level and above, but of course, thank you most of all to Toons7AD. That's Toons7AD. That's T-O-O-N-S-7-A-D. It might be ToonsRad if the seven is an R. Thank you, TunesRad. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin.
Starting point is 00:00:48 Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan Blaine
Starting point is 00:01:04 Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussin's... So meet my friends, Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blay, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Season 3. Hey everybody, it's Brian Possehn. And you're listening to Nerd Poker. Episode 82. Yeah, that sounds about right. I'm looking at my friends on my computy uh hello sarah hello brian you're so low there was like a low energy today so oh really even more so okay i'll
Starting point is 00:01:41 pick it up i'll pick it up here go. I was just trying to match you. This is like a chill hang. Over there we got Dan. Oh, hey, Brian. Hey, buddy. Chris. I didn't say it's sexy, but... Jesus Christ.
Starting point is 00:01:57 Oh, I didn't try to be sexy. And then we got Blaine. Look at Blaine. There he is. Hi, Brian. And then Ken. Oh my god, we got fucking Ken right there. Hi.
Starting point is 00:02:09 Hi, Ken. And then upper left, Sam. Hey, Sam. Always happy to be here. How's that? Better? It was good both ways. There we go. I just feel like it was gonna be relaxed
Starting point is 00:02:29 but we can make it tense we are climbing a mountain sorry well you know we could be conserving our energy and our oxygen and our food we should probably thank some people before we get into any of that oh boy it's great to chickity check yourself before you don't think it.
Starting point is 00:02:46 He thanks someone. I don't know how that rhyme was going in the beginning and it sure ended weird, but I'm going to go ahead and think, you messed that up. Diggity dust effects. Uh, okay.
Starting point is 00:02:56 Uh, thank you. Woody hairless one. Thank you. Thanks, Sean, George. Thanks,
Starting point is 00:03:03 Sean. Thanks. Hobo Mac Jones. Thank you. Oh you oh uh i just got muted by the host um sam's getting trigger happy sorry uh thank you hobo mcjones thank you wiffle diffle 69 thank you nardo bastardo thank you garrett thanks mike kraus thanks mc-ha. They got me with Wiffle Diffle and Nardo to start next to each other. Yeah. Oh. This time we got MC Hoo-ha. Thank you. Thank you, MC Hoo-ha.
Starting point is 00:03:31 Thank you, Chris B. Thank you, Waka Willis. Thanks, Waka. Thanks, Waka. Thank you, Neon Phase, son of Blaine's lost Casio. Oh, the Casio. Thank you, Nathan Plunkett. Thank you. Thanks, Nathan. Thanks, Nathan. Thank you, Nathan Plunkett. Thank you. Thanks, Nathan. Thanks, Nathan. Thank you, HP Loveshaft.
Starting point is 00:03:49 There's a little old place on the side of the road. And there's an unknown horror from the other side of the galaxy. Thank you, Shroom Sandwich. Thanks, Shroom Sandwich. Thank you, Blackie Green's Bastard Son, the cool one. Oh, hey, I remember him. Thanks, Daniel Schlegel. Thanks, Daniel.
Starting point is 00:04:11 Chris Ayers. Thanks, Chris. Thanks. It's either Eddie Konex or Edie Konex. And finally, thank you, a wizard, but broccoli. Cool. A little thinker at the end there. Thank you. Speaking of thinkers who are those patreon supporters brought to us by patreon supporters brought to us by extra weak tylenol you won't even know you took it one regular tylenol is just too strong. Extra weak Tylenol.
Starting point is 00:04:46 Extra weak. Dan? Oh, hello. So, thank you. Does Brian, do you got any other show announcements or anything? Hmm? Huh? Yeah, we're doing it
Starting point is 00:05:02 at the front this time like Monty Python. Oh, shit. Did you hear anything on the street you got any street news we we bullied you into shoving some espresso beans up your ass for your energy and oh yeah actually by the time uh by the time this is available i will have have, um, a standup show. Uh, I think it's through rush tickets. It's, uh, August 29th. Um,
Starting point is 00:05:29 I will be performing it here in my house. Johnny Taylor will be in Sacramento also performing with me. And there's going to be like a special, special, special guest and, uh, and some sort of music involved also, but, uh, fun tickets yeah go to brianpassain.com
Starting point is 00:05:48 for that uh haven't done haven't done that yet i haven't done the big stand-up show in your house but i'm not going anywhere yet so i might as well do that cool i. I've been, I've been doing some like zoom shows and, uh, practicing what it's like. It feels weird as hell, but, uh, I did just sort of start kicking off my Twitch,
Starting point is 00:06:11 uh, channel standup, which is fun. It's weird. But I think I'm going to hook a thing up on Twitch where like people can like donate bits, which is like the like mini currency on Twitch. And when they do that,
Starting point is 00:06:22 like laughter happens, like I'm going to make, I'm going to make like canned laughter out of people laughing at my actual live show so like well you've done some what have you done somewhere you have people like this where people are mic'd at all yeah yeah you know i've done a couple of shows like that the thing that's tricky is uh they're just as loud as you are and you get a lot of audience members who like start commenting on your jokes. They don't know how to turn it off. So like,
Starting point is 00:06:48 like usually there'll be like an MC who's like, Oh, and if you're going to laugh, turn on your mic, just remember to be respectful of the comedian, but we love hearing you laugh. And then someone, someone after your joke will go like,
Starting point is 00:06:57 ha ha ha ha ha. Oh boy, that's great. That reminds me of my mom. And like, they're just as loud as you are. Oh my God. It's like,
Starting point is 00:07:04 you gotta like pause and go well thank you for the comment can you look and can you uh mute people that would be great yeah you can but usually like you still have to like either put someone else in charge of it or you're in charge of it and someone's got to like find the person who did it and you can't always you can't always find the person especially if it's a few hundred people so it can get really i'm good at doing it from the stage i can meet people pretty well so oh yeah exactly like i love crowd work but when the crowd work involves people who also have microphones it's like yeah i don't want to get mad on zoom too
Starting point is 00:07:37 yeah it's much harder to grab a guitar from the audience though on my twitch channel somebody wandered in because they thought i was playing uh this like steam game called comedy night and they were like this isn't comedy night and one of my fans was like well look at this idiot who came and you're looking for comedy i had to like broker like peace between the two of them like the person appreciated it but also like the stakes were so weirdly low it was like all right there's just people arguing in the chat who could both be having a good time but uh and they're they're ready to fight ready to throw down speaking of fighting and throwing down i believe it is time to find out what happened last time on nerd poker the ice five ascended pandemonium's fang for a couple of episodes, and they came upon a place in the mountain path where it became difficult to continue.
Starting point is 00:08:34 The path and the even ground itself began to taper off into deep brambles, covered in thorns, branches, a sticky wicket if you will coated in big fist-sized beetles that bite it flesh and explode in acid they cleared out a little bit and they could have kept going but they decided they would try another thing flying straight up into the fucking beetles uh gus got maimed and killed uh queep got slightly maimed, and I think he landed. I don't remember exactly. But you did discover you could potentially climb the mountain, for there is a small gap in the bugs 60 feet up between the mountain and the swarm.
Starting point is 00:09:23 So, yeah, like, the options are kind of thus you could repeat your trick or some version of it where hal seen blows a gust of wind 60 feet into the brambles clears out some of the beetles maybe you guys get mauled by the beetles who explode out of the brambles but then dargther has the ability to uh long stride into the brambles and kind of start carving the problem is there's no arm room so even though he's using a special ranger ability to machete through it it took like a long
Starting point is 00:09:54 time for him to actually get through there even with Dr. Ewood's help and so you created a cloud right above you of angry beetles Gus and Kweep flew into that but the big beetle cloud is about starts about 60 feet up and they're sort of swarming in a ring around the mountain and there's a gap of about five or six feet from like the the cliff side of the mountain and where the the swarm is
Starting point is 00:10:19 happening there's just open air and you didn't discover that unfortunately until uh after gus got nuked but i will tell you just passive insight you all realize like after queep discovers this that yeah like it might be a good job for gus like gus might be able to kind of like fly up in that little gap um a little bit queep might be able to pull it off although his wings are big enough they might get mauled and uh you all could try climbing. So Gus isn't dead dead? No, I did have a little text convo with Chris about this. But basically Gus is somewhere between a traditional pseudo-dragon familiar and a traditional wizard familiar.
Starting point is 00:10:56 So he was experimented on. Normally a pseudo-dragon familiar, when they die, they are dead dead. dragon familiar when they die they are dead dead but he gets transported back to the feywild and can be re-summoned uh after a long rest or 24 hours whichever comes first it's like that tom cruise movie with tom cruise in it uh yeah it was a vanilla sky uh but the yeah i was thinking about all right moves uh it's been like five minutes since Gus was killed but I think it's been almost 24 hours since he was summoned through that wall in the Feywild cave
Starting point is 00:11:33 because you did actually rest in the Feywild cave so but part of the thing about climbing up is we still don't know if we can even get inside the mountain that way. Right. True.
Starting point is 00:11:47 So we just, we might just be climbing the top for no reason. Yeah. Maybe there's like a salami at the top for us to grab. And then we go, maybe we could go scum. Maybe we and Dr. Ud could go scout together.
Starting point is 00:12:01 Dr. Ud is also capable of becoming like that form. He took once of a green eagle also i'm not uh not sure if you've done research but i believe someone discovered since we last recorded uh and and gave blaine a heads up he may have already known blaine's a smart fella he can transform into all kinds of fucking animals now with this new level anything i Anything, it says it always said that a druid can transform into any creature he has seen.
Starting point is 00:12:29 Which is a loophole that I plan to exercise completely over the next couple of weeks. First I'm going to transfer into Tony Randall. Hello, it's me. I'm going to I thought that was going somewhere. Sorry. Sam! I need your Sam powers. Edit that one out. i need your sam powers edit that one out
Starting point is 00:12:46 sam please don't edit that out yeah it seems like it would be good for i was reading that wild shape thing it really seems like it'd be good for combat like you can change into very combative yeah well the best part is it's like temporary hit points you get that animals hit points and then the animal once you get reduced to zero, you just go back to Doctor Who at hit points. I mean, would I be able to change into one of these giant beetles and fly among them? Since I'm looking right at them, and I can, hey, now I'm a beetle.
Starting point is 00:13:16 Whoa. Oh, no. It's a werewolf. I'm going to change into a werewolf. This transformation was brought to us by Oliver Kapach, who, I don't know if you guys knew, is a werewolf. Yeah. Changes into something every morning.
Starting point is 00:13:35 Stays that way until he goes to sleep. Yeah, you can change into one of those bugs. I'm trying to look very nonplussed. I have in my notes that these uh beetles are called skull sack beetles so if you'd like to change into a skull sack beetle you're welcome to now am I going to be a giant skull sack beetle I'll retain all my awareness and stuff yep but uh yeah you know I I wonder if I should do that and and, and I mean, what let's, let's see what queep is doing first is I was considering flying up and dropping.
Starting point is 00:14:09 Well, you might want to be not a giant beetle. You might just want to be so that if there's a small gap between the, the mountain and the beetles, you might just want to be a tiny beetle and go fly up to check it out to see, is there an entrance? Like,
Starting point is 00:14:22 what can we do if we even get up there? Is there a point to this? Are we climbing for well sure but you know it is only eight inches wide so i think the reason he's doing it is because it would fit and also blend in right it's eight inches wide yeah oh well then i'm not doing it no but he said a giant i thought he meant like a human-sized beetle that's what i was saying that doesn't make sense no he can turn into he just said giant because they're eight inches wide. They're big. Oh, the beetles are eight inches wide, but the gap is how wide?
Starting point is 00:14:49 Five or six feet. Five feet. Oh. Sorry, I was... Giant, I was confused by the... We got it. They're way bigger than a normal beetle that you would be used to. But you meant changing to one
Starting point is 00:14:58 that is the same size as the other guys. Yep. Yeah, do it. Check it out for us. The second I start getting attacked attacked i'm going to turn back into a screaming uh half elf um because i'm probably while you're gone going to um heal because i'm i need it yeah all right well um why don't we first do the healing? So you're going to be wild shaping,
Starting point is 00:15:29 which I think there's just a time limit on how long you can be wild shaped. So if you're one of these beetles, I'm going to have you roll 1d4 for your hit points. Say beast shape for a number of hours equal to half my druid level, rounded down. So I'm currently level 8 I don't know if anybody heard we're level 8 4 hours alright roll a 1d4 for your hit points
Starting point is 00:15:52 what's a level? but Sarah why don't you also roll your hit dice to heal if that's what you're doing I have 3, 3 hit points ok everybody gets 5 back cause I do a mass healing word I mean I need more than that but that will do for now doing i have three three hit points yeah okay everybody gets five back dude masculine word i mean i need more than that but that will do for now it's something yeah how how how bad are you halcyon uh i'm i'm at about half of my hit points
Starting point is 00:16:21 so i have 25 hit points right now okay uh and're going to roll some hit dice to try to get a little more back too oh right I can do that what is the deal with that I assumed you were oh so this is a short rest no yeah well that's not what I meant we're not doing a short rest right I don't think so
Starting point is 00:16:40 I think I think how I would roll hit dice I thought well I thought uh we were going to cross that bridge now, basically, is what I meant. If you don't want to do a short rest, that's fine. No, no, no. Great. Never mind. I got confused. Over to Blaine.
Starting point is 00:16:59 Queep, are you just letting Blaine do the beetle thing himself? Yeah, I'm a little nervous about the width of the gap. But if I have to go up there, I'll go up and grab them if I have to. Yeah, I mean, as I said, there's a chance they'll get you, a chance they won't. So, Blaine, you're going to go buzz up. Why don't you do a deception check? Deception. Deception.
Starting point is 00:17:33 Deception. Deception. Deception. Deception. deception check deception deception deception deception uh 15 plus 419 nice great so no problem you just like up the side of the mountain like just a couple feet off of the rock face but it takes a long time so you get you know this this 60 feet before you get to the sort of ring around the top of the pandemonium spang but it's like a a few hundred feet of just buzzing up um and you're in the middle of this cloud that just seems to go on and on you just you hear the constant buzzing of your fellow beetles uh happening and you see them just in this massive swarm going super fast around the mountain. But a couple hundred feet up. I trapped some bad guys in this place, and so they can't breathe. Oh, good. Good.
Starting point is 00:18:15 Trapped the bad guys in a shoebox and put some tape over the hole so they can't breathe. Oh, good job, Oliver. We should do that. What if that was the next thing you guys saw? I just gave up my plan and was just like he should work for the government right yeah i'm gonna let you choose blaine uh you can either roll a uh perception or investigation trying to find something uh perception investigate i'll do a perception check please or or not
Starting point is 00:18:48 what'd you roll buddy i rolled a three oh what's your bonus plus four oh so you got a seven yeah seven okay uh it takes you i'm not dumb Huh? So I'm not like a dumb guy. No, but here's the trick. It takes you two hours, uh, buzzing around. Um, and then you realize like, I've got to go back down. Yeah. Um, uh, and so you, you spend two hours flying around and then you fly back to the crew. You feel like there's maybe something in there though. Like you, you definitely, like, as something in there though like you you definitely like as
Starting point is 00:19:25 you're sort of like covering the cliff face you just got this like uh general feeling like you know that this is so wide i didn't really get a good look okay how long has he how long has he been gone four hours so if you guys want to spend that time doing some short resty type stuff, just keep that in mind. Otherwise, tell me what you're all doing during that four hours. I've made a small pile of stones as a memorial to Dr. Ud.
Starting point is 00:19:56 I'm convinced he's dead. I could use another 12 hit points, so maybe I'll rest. Yeah, this is short rest length, so if you guys want to spend a hit dice while you're waiting for Dr. Urid, I will allow it. Sarah, you look perplexed. Is this because you prefer not to do it here? Yeah, I just forgot about...
Starting point is 00:20:13 No, no, no. I just didn't know that this short rest thing is new to me, but that's fine. When I'm on my way down, can I take a different sort of tack? Can I see if there are any uh grooves or pathways or anything sort of zigzag on the way back down uh with that low perception rule i can't give it to you on this four hour stretch unfortunately i'm being a dick about it but uh
Starting point is 00:20:38 just a reminder short rest is a period of downtime at least an hour long a character yeah i got it yeah you i'm just sort of saying it for listeners since there was so much back and forth. A character can spend one or more hit dice at the end up to your maximum number of hit dice, which is equal to your level. Yep. As many of them as you want to spend.
Starting point is 00:20:57 I'm spending them all. Ooh. And Darkthor's thinking about it too. You're going to roll some? Yeah. Dargy? i also rolled great just uh let the listeners know what you what you got number wise back i got nine so i'm now i'm only uh three down great i got ten i'm down one great and sarah you're uh did you are you still i have to roll it or do i yeah you have to roll your hit dice yeah okay on on dnd beyond it just lets me add them um oh well it could it could that could work too Oh, I have to roll it? Yeah, you have to roll your hit dice, yeah. Okay. On D&D Beyond, it just lets me add them.
Starting point is 00:21:29 That could work, too, because it'll automatically be rolling them on D&D Beyond. I gotta hook up with that, damn it. Quite all right. I actually like to physically roll. Five more back. Me, too. Yeah. Okay. So, Doctor doctor would you get back and yeah I mean
Starting point is 00:21:49 you feel like you you if you had just rolled higher on that check maybe you would find something but you just didn't get a good look there's just too many beetles swarming around it was too easy to get lost in just this like jagged mountain cliff face uh but that four hours have gone by and it's now getting pitch black
Starting point is 00:22:06 okay well i'm gonna uh spin a little cocoon well you're gonna hit the ground and pretty much turn into back into dr uid right away but you can spin a cocoon out of dr uid's abdomen if you really want yeah when i i went uh i'm gonna it's fluids uh when i'm gonna turn back into Dr. Uid, but I'm going to have a little sleeping bag made out of silk, and I'm going to be... All tuckered out. And I'm going to look up and go,
Starting point is 00:22:34 I couldn't see anything. Sorry, guys. I'm so tired. I'm just glad you're back. Good to be back. I wake up between snores. I'm just glad you're back. Good to be back. I wake up between snores. So it's getting late.
Starting point is 00:22:53 It's like 11 o'clock at night. You guys just did a short rest. You could try to lean into a long rest at this point, but there's bugs everywhere. It's brambly. It's loud. Let's just stay here until the game's over. I know. It feels like that's what you're doing given the ominous
Starting point is 00:23:10 lack of choices you're now offering up. I mean, if we climb up... He didn't see anything. Yeah, what are we going to do? I mean, I just feel like this is silly but we're just going to have to go back down the mountain.
Starting point is 00:23:25 I guess all we can do is search like a motherfucker I mean, I just feel like this is silly, but we're just going to have to go back down the mountain. Well, all right. I guess all we can do is search like a motherfucker on the way down on the assumption that maybe we missed it on the way up. That's all we can do. We were in the Feywild for a chunk of it. You guys are all being really weird. Can you roll an insight check for me, please? For weirdness?
Starting point is 00:23:44 Yeah, well, I gotta throw you guys a bone, I think. I'll say. But I'll either give you a 15 or a 20 level bone depending on what you roll. I got a 17. I got a 16. At least getting that
Starting point is 00:23:59 15. I got over 20. 7. I have advantage. Oh, nice. I got over 20. Seven. Oh, I have advantage. Oh, nice. I got 21. I got 21, Dan. Ooh, 21 and 23 from Queep. Chris, what'd you get?
Starting point is 00:24:13 I don't want to make you shit your tits, Dan, but I got a six. A six? Hang on, let me check my tit diaper. Nope. You don't want to? Well, a six will rock your world. Yeah. Well, don't mean to brag, but didn't shit my tits just yet.
Starting point is 00:24:31 Tits shitter. Ken, however, I just want to let you know that I did defecate my mammary glands. Yeah, so you guys, you know, just stop and take a thing. You put a couple of things together. Darkthor, you're pretty sure this thing is higher up than where you're currently sort of on this outcropping and for the brambles um whether it's like a little further through the brambles if you cut throughing it or you have to fly up or crawl up or climb up to where dr we just did you're not sure but you do think you can chalk up dr uid not finding it to that role and then maybe if you spend more time you can find it uh creep i would think that you would given your very high role and the fact that you've
Starting point is 00:25:12 flown up a little bit and you're an aracocra you're a bird person who grew up in nests embedded in the side of things you would really like to get a look up there you really feel like maybe there's something up there you know in the bugs um that that is what you're looking for which is some sort of entrance to the altar of the tenebrous one something you don't have a lot of intel on but is foretold to be somewhere inside the mountain all right so do we what do we tie each up ken and i want to look up... We want to continue looking. Yeah, I mean, you could go back down the mountain, but I think I just wanted to give you guys that insight.
Starting point is 00:25:50 Yeah, I think we... It was not clear that... I think, obviously, Chris and I both did not understand. I thought we were... Yeah. I think we just... Because we thought we may have passed it in the Feywild, too, when we were in the other dimension.
Starting point is 00:26:00 Yeah, or that, like, when we tried to dig in, we can't get into the mountain. You know, it just seemed like there was no we have no information so um can I fly up keeping a distance and looking
Starting point is 00:26:10 back at the mountain that's when you'll hit the bugs do you guys the bugs form a thick cloud from about six feet away from the mountain to like it looks like
Starting point is 00:26:19 hundreds of feet away so do you guys remember when we were descending yeah remember when we were had to what remember when we had to go down that staircase and there were stairs we didn't want to go on so we kind of tied ropes and that what if we kind of did that to each other why don't we kind of harness ourselves
Starting point is 00:26:34 so in case someone inevitably falls they're still attached to us and we kind of shimmy up the side of this fall we had to climb up when we had to get up to the observatory. Yeah, but that's that we want to have the actual climbing equipment, which we don't have, I don't think, in order because if we do it that way, then yeah, it'll just drag everybody down. I have the claws, the climbing claws,
Starting point is 00:26:57 the insect gauntlets that give me a climbing rate. Okay, so you've got claws. Some people can fly. So what if i don't fly and climb up the mountain yeah we could just try to climb you could try if people fall that's scary because you know dr rude and i both have grippy grippy claws yeah and that's going to give you guys advantage on athletics checks that involve climbing. Okay. Okay. And should we do some attaching?
Starting point is 00:27:31 By whammo. Okay. So who's going to go? I think Chris's idea was lost in Brian's commercial. Oh, do we want to tie? Even if it's not all of us tied to each other, do you want to tie off in pairs just in case somebody falls? It seems like there would at least be a safety. But then it just feels like they would likely drag the other person down if we're not also anchored to the wall.
Starting point is 00:27:56 Okay. I don't know. I mean, isn't that how that would, like you couldn't, like if I'm climbing, you're attached to me, you fall, you're just going to rip me straight off the wall unless I'm actually, unless I'm attached to the wall. Yeah. Well, should I lead? Because I've got these things. I have 10 feet of movement on sheer cliff faces with these. Great. Yeah, and I can either take the middle or the back so that we're all connected and gripped in.
Starting point is 00:28:22 Yeah, be ready to fly and catch someone, I guess. I'm always ready to fly and catch someone. Yeah. Just like in life. It's just the dice that aren't ready. Let's do it. Sounds like we're climbing. I'm going to see if I can see some of my bug friends.
Starting point is 00:28:40 Tell me who's strapped to who, and if anyone's using any of their abilities or spells. You want me in the middle or the back? I guess, Chris, your idea the only thing that would work would be if someone's strapped to the people who can fly, that would work. Yeah, well what if we attached
Starting point is 00:28:57 Halsey and the Queet, for example? Yeah. Or actually strapped to me. As opposed to the two of us taking either end of the whole line. Yeah. Or the two of us in front and all of you behind us.
Starting point is 00:29:14 I liked when Blaine said he would lead and Ken said he'd bring up the rear, so then it's just us in the middle. And we just climb up. You guys follow me. Let's do it. Okay. I love seeing Dan give up we're just climbing we're just climbing Dan so I hope you're happy we're gonna fall off this god damn
Starting point is 00:29:30 mountain so here we go I'm not giving up I'm just laughing Halsey what are we not doing what you're saying apparently we're just climbing what do you want to what do you want to do if I use if I use a cantrip how many Apparently we're just climbing. What do you want to do?
Starting point is 00:29:49 If I use a cantrip, how many... Oh, okay. You can cantrip all goddamn day. I know, yeah. I wonder if I can just... Oh, I think it's probably just one per. I have a thing called guidance where whoever I touch can add a 1d4 to an ability check of its choice um but i
Starting point is 00:30:07 think it would probably only be one person at a time i assume so um probs but i can go look it up real quick i'll give it to uh i lay hands on on queep nice you touch one willing creature before the spell wait it's one minute okay never mind well mind. Well, I'll do it anyway, but, Queep, here you go. Here's a one-minute buff for... Thanks. You can add a d4 to an ability check in case someone falls right now. Let's go. I will throw you a bone, Sarah. You can't touch somebody, say, as they're falling down.
Starting point is 00:30:36 Or, like, if they're having a hard time. You could go, like, slap their ankle or whatever. I could try. Okay, I'll save it. Well, it's a cantrip, so I don't know if you need to save it, right? If it's a cantrip. Oh, yeah. And if they need a snack... Oh, right, okay. If it's a cantrip, so I don't know if you need to save it, right? If it's a cantrip. And if they need a snack. If it's a cantrip, you can cast it every... It says the spell lasts one minute,
Starting point is 00:30:52 so yeah. Okay, so I'll give it to... I was going to say, you should touch somebody every turn. Yeah, I'll just keep touching everyone in this group. Nothing weird about it. I'm just going to constantly be laying hands on one member of the Ice Five at any given
Starting point is 00:31:06 time and you're wearing gloves and when i fall off the goddamn mountain someone better catch me because i'm giving you guys a bonus all right try to give me the running order who's who's strapped to who like it's really gotten like interesting how much we've debated this but it sounds like drew it at the top and me at the back i believe you're at the bottom i don't think yeah so you can catch decided yeah so you're gonna form like a vertical line yes interesting okay no he's he's saying that because we should be off-centered so in case someone falls they don't knock the people behind them off right okay let's kind of stagger a little bit you're gonna stagger it yeah form a zigzag yes so what's kind of stagger it a little bit. You're going to stagger it? Yeah. Form a zigzag?
Starting point is 00:31:45 Yeah, zigzag. So what's the vertical order? It's going to be Dr. Wood on top. I'll go next. And then TikTok, then me, so I'm in the middle. And then... Dark Thur? Dark Thur. Dark Thur.
Starting point is 00:31:59 And then... And Queep. Queep at the back. Dark, does it feel good to have these rocks in your face again? Is it like being in the over dark? Feels too good to have dark. There's rocks in my face. I don't like one of those things.
Starting point is 00:32:18 All right. So sour. The intrepid crew begins climbing up. The Intrepid crew begins climbing up. I'm going to need an athletic check from everybody to get to the first 60 feet. Get to the cloud.
Starting point is 00:32:32 60 feet. 17 plus 320. 21. So, Cleave, you get to add roll D4 because I already gave you that right yes sorry 22
Starting point is 00:32:50 26 Jesus 16 you guys are 25 you guys all handily make it up
Starting point is 00:33:00 60 feet Dr. Ruud you've reached the beginning of the cloud i'm gonna have you roll a perception check uh 17 don't see anything yet but you've got a clear view up and it looks like they keep a pretty even distance the beetles from the side of the mountain um and yeah you just sort of notice if anybody reaches an arm behind them they can get their arm engulfed by this swarming cloud okay it's they're pretty close
Starting point is 00:33:33 okay they're pretty close don't do that and i'm not gonna do that yeah uh that would include if queep expanded his wings how dare you so so you would know to tell queep like or queep you would even notice this, I think. Keeping him tucked. Yeah, get him a little tucked. I tell Halcine to stop kicking like a billy goat as she's climbing. They're going to get you with your billy goat leg kicks.
Starting point is 00:33:58 Why all the flailing? I give TikTok the buff, the 1D4 buff, by laying a middle finger gently on the food. Right between his eyes. All right, so we've only just paused for a quick look up. Halcine? Yeah. I need a snack.
Starting point is 00:34:20 Could you wavy lay hands on me? Is the plan now as you ascend? Oh, I'm sorry. If you want to comment on what Blaine said, please. No, I'm good. Keep it moving. What we're going to do is just... Nothing to see here.
Starting point is 00:34:37 Keep moving. We're going to keep vertically ascending. And Dr. Ud is just going to keep an eye out for anything of interest. So I'm going to need another athletic check from everybody. And I'll once again say, Dr. Ud is just going to keep an eye out for anything of interest. So I'm going to need another athletic check from everybody. And I'll once again say, Dr. Ud, you can either choose perception or investigation, but please let's all roll athletics first, because what good is an investigation or perception role if you are falling off a mountain?
Starting point is 00:34:58 14 and three, seven, 17, 17 for your athletics. Yes. Great. Uh, pause your next role. Don't tell me it. Just remember it. Everyone else. Give me your athletics? Yes. Great. Pause your next roll. Don't tell me it. Just remember it. Everyone else give me your athletics. 26.
Starting point is 00:35:08 27. How dare you? Wow. 17. 38. I'm enjoying Sarah resisting saying it. I rolled a five. All right.
Starting point is 00:35:22 So you guys make it about uh 20 feet into the cloud uh you lose your footing halcyon so what's gonna happen is we're gonna need uh first things first above you is tiktok correct yeah so tiktok uh i'm gonna need you to do a dexterity saving throw. Got it. 23. Great. You feel a massive rip on you as you dig your fingers into the cliff face, and you feel Halcine just kind of tug-taught. Wait, we're not tied together, right? I thought you were tied
Starting point is 00:36:08 together. Oh, we are tied together? You're not tied together? Guys, I thought we were. Okay, so Creep thought we were. I thought we spent ten minutes talking about how you all tied at the same rope. I thought I gave good reasons why I thought we shouldn't be, but that's fine. Okay, we're tied together.
Starting point is 00:36:24 I thought I hit... We are tied together because otherwise you're falling. Well, I thought I said that if I fell, I'd just rip somebody off the mountain. Everyone would just rip off the mountain because we're not attached to them. That's true. You don't have the hooks that you would normally have if you were actually mountain climbing that would hold you on the mountain. Does that make sense? I mean, we've got a bit of a problem, a bit of an issue here because I misheard and it
Starting point is 00:36:44 sounds like some people thought you were tied and some people. Can we raise your hands if you thought we were tied together? Okay. Everybody but me and Chris and Chris and I thought we were not tied together. I thought we were not. Oh boy. All right. Oh, I thought somebody was tied to me because I was, I had the insect things.
Starting point is 00:37:04 And that I would be used as the cliff face brace in case something went wrong. I don't care either way. I mean, it seems like a majority of people thought we were. I did not hear an argument about how it wouldn't just rip everybody straight off the mountain if someone fell and we were tied together. But I guess now...
Starting point is 00:37:22 Well, the crystal was high and I thought he was gripping the rock. Yeah, and I thought it was... Well, I had crystal i the last thing i heard was somebody saying it and someone else making an affirmative noise and i thought in the interest of moving on that we were accepting that as a reality but it sounds like perhaps at the time yeah well unfortunately the the nature of playing on zoom is like when you get into these discussions everybody's mind wanders a little bit but uh i think what ended up happening was we just didn't come to a firm consensus on whether you were all tied on ropes uh which makes my job difficult so what i'm going to do is i am going to just
Starting point is 00:37:56 well the majority of us thought that say that because the majority of you did we're going to roll with what i said um also this is going to mean you're still in a zig zag according to my notes so it's gonna be like dr uid tiktok hal seen and you're how seen kind of uh swinging back and forth the middle i'm just gonna have you do an athletics check with just a dc of 10 to try to grab the mountainside again you can do it um can i touch myself with guidance so that I
Starting point is 00:38:27 I love the divinals oh can I uh right now you can't do anything dark so she's this is just her popping off the mountain trying to not uh after this you can possibly do something I did roll a one but I have a plus two, so...
Starting point is 00:38:47 Hey! But one's a one, unfortunately. I'm going to need, as you reach out, you sort of just not only miss, but like rake the side of the mountain and push yourself farther away. I'm going to need another athletics check from TikTok. Another athletics check.
Starting point is 00:39:00 I'm sorry, another dexterity saving throw from TikTok. Does he still have the plus four? Do I have it for a minute? Yeah, he has it for a minute. Remember when I gave him the finger and added it? No, because you went up 20 feet. So, of course, the 20 feet that minute is coming gone. Okay.
Starting point is 00:39:18 23? Yeah, you managed to dig your fingers in a little more as Halseen yanks you like half an inch down the cliffside, but you're feeling just like, oh, she better figure this out soon. Yeah. Before I make Halcine make another grab, Darkthor, you do see about five feet in front of you,
Starting point is 00:39:37 Halcine just like a pendulum going, like this wide 20-foot berth. Hmm. Like this wide 20 foot berth. Uh, well, can I grab her or should I use insight to see what, what's the best way to help her? I will allow an insight check.
Starting point is 00:39:55 Go for it. All right. Dear diary. Should I grab my friend? Your pen has four. No, I mean, just looking at the 18 plus three
Starting point is 00:40:06 so you think uh you don't have a ton of options you can try to grab her ankle as she swings by but it's like a 50 50 shot that it's going to yank you off the mountain if you successfully grab her all right um well now i'm gonna I'm still going to try. Great. Let's get an athletics check from you, Darkthor. Okay. Yeah, let's get an athletics check from you, Darkthor. Let's give me a DC 18.
Starting point is 00:40:36 Go be a DC 18. I'm going to be your new tough guy sidekick. As an armored cleric swings past you at a pretty rapid pace. I got it. Yeah. I got the 18 and then plus four. Great. So you successfully plant your gauntlet like right into her ankle.
Starting point is 00:40:54 I'm going to now need you to do a dexterity saving throw to see if you get pulled off the mountain as she swings by and you grab. Okay. What do I need here? Oh, shit. Dexterity saving throw. Yeah. I have a plus six for that. Nice. DC 15. 18 total.
Starting point is 00:41:15 So you just managed to brace yourself. Halcine, you can now pretty slowly kind of just grab at the mountain as Darkthor slows you to a stop cool dark that was awesome look at your sinewy body just all right just like beat haplessly against the mountain like oh all the coins are falling out of her upside down pockets My laundry Alright, so I'm going to need another athletics check from everybody As you try to ascend further
Starting point is 00:41:52 Dr. Woods lost all bearing Just trying to keep track of all the yelling underneath him You know, it reminded me of the time I was climbing the garden wall And I slipped and had a terrible fall I fell so hard I heard bells ring, but held on to my shaving cream.
Starting point is 00:42:12 Be nice and clean. Shave every day and you'll roll an 18. That's a 21 with my plus three. What do we got to hit? 16. 15. Oh, cool. 20. Just barely.
Starting point is 00:42:27 20. 26. 13. And what the hell kind of dice are you guys rolling? How is everybody rolling over 15 every single time, right? I have advantage and a plus six. I have advantage and something like that. Yep. Alright, I'm going to need a
Starting point is 00:42:43 as Halcine pops off the mountain again After another 20 feet Another dexterity saving throw from TikTok Halcine is Popping off the mountain Can I change form to Mr. Fantastic And just grab her with a long stretchy arm 15
Starting point is 00:43:00 You've never seen a Fantastic Four movie So you can't turn into Mr. Fantastic Who has? Not a Fantastic Four movie, so you can't turn into Mr. Fantastic. Who has? Not even Fantastic Four 2? No advantage. It should be like a one in four chance of anybody making this every time and everybody, you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:43:16 So statistically, what's happening to me is normal. Chris, I have no idea what number that was because the bits came so hard and furious over your announcement of the dice roll. What did you roll in your dexterity saving throw, sir? 15, the Rise of the Silver Surfer. Ooh, nice. You managed to grip ahead.
Starting point is 00:43:32 What a piece of shit. Sarah, let's get that. Athletics check to try to grab the mountain. Why bother? Well, lots of reasons. Death? 12. All right. well lots of reasons death 12 all right dark through you once again see her
Starting point is 00:43:50 swinging like a pendulum in front of you you do anything try again yeah yeah for sure grab her so it's athletics yes what do I need 15 So it's athletics? Yes. What do I need?
Starting point is 00:44:09 15. Yipes. 10 plus 4. Nope. Okay. Fuck. I don't have advantage to athletics, don't I? There'll be a dot next to it.
Starting point is 00:44:25 It should say on your character sheet. I can look up your character sheet if you're not seeing it. No, there's a P. That means you're proficient. Yeah, there's a P in it. So I can roll it again. Don't drink that snow. So does that mean I get to roll it again?
Starting point is 00:44:40 Yes. Yeah. Oh, way better. Yeah. Oh, way better. 22. Great. Let's get a dex check from you now as you grab her ankle once again. Good gravy. Mountain climbing, folks.
Starting point is 00:44:59 This I also have a dot. This I have a dot. This is more like mountain swinging. And I have a plus six. So that's what that means? That means the dot. I have a dot and I have a plus six. So that's what that means? Always I can roll twice on a dexterity saving throw. Look, I totally get it. Fucking shit.
Starting point is 00:45:13 Hold on. A saving throw is different than a... Well, on the saving throws I have strength and dexterity proficiency or I have the dots there and then in skills i have animal handling athletics oh i didn't know we rolled persuasion on saving stealth and survival yeah oh wait yeah we don't have uh i don't think we have advantage on the
Starting point is 00:45:39 saving throw that just means that if you're okay that just means you get to use your proficiency bonus for saving throw so you get what does the dot mean though on it means you're proficient certain classes and proficiencies but you can add a three we have a house we have a house rule about dan says that we're allowed to roll twice for for skills we're proficient in right okay i just want to know because i yeah i would like to know if i can be rolling on our proficient saving throws too it's just skills dan yeah i mean why on our proficient saving throws too just skills Dan I mean why else be proficient what do I need for the
Starting point is 00:46:10 dexterity saving throw was it 15 also just got it 9 plus 6 excellent and that we've confirmed I only get one roll so okay yes but you got it.
Starting point is 00:46:25 All right. I got it. Yep. Okay. So you managed to grip. But you get a plus three. Tick tock. I'm going to need that second dexterity saving throw as you feel her bounce off the mountain
Starting point is 00:46:33 once. A 15. Her failed athletics. All right. Everyone manages to rebrace. Let's re-athletics. You guys are going to slowly scale. And it's with people falling.
Starting point is 00:46:44 Well, people. Halcine. Roll high. Roll high, Halcine. Every time you pop off, Dr. Ud's going to be too distracted to really get a good survey. So you're just sort of climbing straight up. Halcine, do you want to flip yourself off first? Give yourself a little blessy?
Starting point is 00:46:58 I think Dan said I can't do that. Yeah, I don't think you can cast guidance on yourself. You can't? I got a 15 plus 318. That sucks. Don't I have... I have something that I can kind of encourage her, right? It's the
Starting point is 00:47:12 sword, isn't it? That's in combat. She can dodge. We just hold the sword out and go, you better climb that mountain. Okay, never mind. Just hold it beneath her. Just trying.
Starting point is 00:47:27 This is athletics. Yeah. One sec, I'm looking up a rule. Oh, shoot. Halcine, I'll lay my finger on you anyways. You can cast Guidance on yourself. Oh, great. Okay. You count as aance on yourself. Oh, great. Okay.
Starting point is 00:47:48 You count as a willing creature, so this works. Did anybody miss the 15? No. Let's find out. Oh, well, that's how I didn't even need it. I did cast Guidance and I didn't even need it because that time I had 20, so now I have 24. All right, now I will let you roll
Starting point is 00:48:04 a Perception or Invest investigation, Dr. Hood. Now you're, uh, uh, Talcine's walking up the cliff like Batman in the TV series now. Holy flypaper, Batman. Uh, is that a perception? What is that? Or investigation, you get to choose.
Starting point is 00:48:19 Uh, I'll do a perception, which is plus four, it's a 19. All right, um, don't see anything yet uh you guys can keep climbing uh at this point because you got a successful roll that means you are um 20 plus 20 plus 60 you are 100 feet up uh you know like you're you're approaching about as far as dr uid got before he started started going back side to side as a beetle. I remember this whole place. Well, you got better vision than you did as a beetle.
Starting point is 00:48:52 So I'm at this point going to go ahead and have you roll yet another athletics check. You are getting real high up this mountain cliff face, you guys. 13 plus 3, 16. Yeah. I can see your house from here Point of order from Sarah What's up? I just wanted to cast find traps
Starting point is 00:49:11 Because I would be able to see within 120 feet Like an alarm spell or a glyph of warding Or something like that If there might be something around the mountain Great, okay Let's get those athletics checks from everybody. 15. Ooh.
Starting point is 00:49:30 I know. 15. Queep and I are both like, boo-boo-boo. I'm good. All right, so that's a pass for everybody. 22. It was not for me except that i can have cast guidance i feel like we're assuming you're casting it on yourself now just out of habit yeah yeah okay so then
Starting point is 00:49:57 oh my god so even with that 13 total all right let's get a dexterity saving throw from tiktok how come i'm not doing deck saving throws i would do a lot better it's an automatic pop off the you're falling uh because you didn't make the check uh dexterity saving throws when something is done to you which is what is being done to t to TikTok. The rope is giving him a 200 pound tug. 20. I saw 200 pound tug open for the circle jerks. Yeah, you're good. Wait, how much does Hal seen weigh?
Starting point is 00:50:33 I mean, you're wearing armor and you got a shield strapped to your back. And you got that big bag of sandwiches. Dark, are you gonna try and grab her again? Yes, 18. I will let her make an athletics check also to see if she can grab her on her own. So please go for that, Sarah. You've got it.
Starting point is 00:50:51 You've got this. You can do it. You've got the shittiest luck with this mountain climb. I know. Although, as I was saying, I feel like statistically it's also that everybody else, 17, it's that everybody else is having crazy rolls, but I guess they all have advantage.
Starting point is 00:51:04 You managed to grab the side of the mountain before uh you even get to dark thirst so you're good okay cool uh there yet let's get well no you've made it 120 feet into the cloud of insects let's get uh another athletic check from everybody can i consult my blade of kukla to see how it feels about this wait did i do blame the only one who can do perception on yeah he's up at the top i mean you can look to the sides but you you're not going to see uh okay you know i'll let you roll a perception uh everybody if you want one but did i cast fine traps i didn't see anything uh no you didn't see anything yet okay uh i got a i got a 15 plus 318 on my athletics do Do I do a perception? We're not doing athletics again yet.
Starting point is 00:51:50 Pause while Brian. Brian wants everybody to consider. I got a 21. Nice. Yeah, yeah. Don't see anything yet. Okay. I got a 20 on my perception. Don't see anything yet.
Starting point is 00:51:58 Son of a. I got a one on my perception. Let's roll athletics again. Yeah. No fine trap spell success yet. Rolling athletics. 16 plus 3, 19. All right.
Starting point is 00:52:14 16. 24. 18. What'd you get, Halcine? 15. All right. You guys, you guys make it.
Starting point is 00:52:27 Are you okay? How seen? Are you all right? That's with the, that's with the guidance too. I know. And if you guys don't make it, make it everybody over 20,
Starting point is 00:52:35 I would give you like extra distance, but you make it yet another 60 feet. Why don't you get that perception check, Dr. Wood. And if anyone else wants to roll perception, go ahead. It just feels, I'm just giving it to Dr. Wood automatically
Starting point is 00:52:46 because he's looking up. 14 to 4, 18. Okay. I think it was 20. Did you want to roll fine traps, Sarah? Or do you want to be casting fine traps? I'm sorry. I mean, I already did it.
Starting point is 00:52:58 No, I mean, I did it. No, it uses a spell slot. It's like a second level spell, right? Yeah. Cantrip. Correct. So yeah, I cast it. It was 120 feet feet if i didn't see anything i didn't uh blaine you think you see something maybe about like 100 feet farther up a little bit to the right okay i'm gonna avoid it it might be dangerous
Starting point is 00:53:20 it's a tree shredder it looks well it looks like there's just some sort of like break in the wall or like a divot or something. It's hard to tell. It's so far away. Okay. Can I get a, can I get a detect magic going up? Sure. Of course you can.
Starting point is 00:53:37 So detect magic means you're going to only be able to sense a presence of magic 30 feet away. And not too still. You know, I'll, i'll wait on the detect magic until we get closer to this thing so it only lasts up to 10 minutes let's get another athletics check from everybody i assume you're gonna head towards the divot yeah yes divot home i got a 15 20 26 nice 17 20. 26.
Starting point is 00:54:05 Nice. 17. 19. All right. You all ascend sort of diagonally in the direction Dr. Ud points, just up ahead to the right. Up ahead to the right! You make it to a small alcove. This is just enough room for you all
Starting point is 00:54:24 to sort of pull each other up into the space. The space is not very far into the mountain, but it is indeed cut into the rock. It goes in about 20 feet. It's about 10 feet wide, 10 feet tall. There is what appears to be lava rock in the shape of a door. there is what appears to be lava rock in the shape of a door it's sheer however and there's no obvious way to open or uh handle the door in any way because it almost doesn't look like a door it almost looks like lava has sealed this doorway shut however next to it there is a small hip height stone pedestal uh with on the top sort of like a bowl and then like
Starting point is 00:55:06 a stone handprint in it and it looks like the top half of a skull kind of like leaned back like this almost like a clam and the handprint is in the bottom of the pedestal and what
Starting point is 00:55:22 size of a handprint would you say that is humanoid boy do you say all right now i am gonna cast find traps again okay uh you definitely get a sense that there is some kind of nefarious consequence uh going on here, but also it seems like a mixed blessing. I'm going to put a quarter on the table and does a little skeletal hand come out and grab the quarter and drag it back into the mouth? No.
Starting point is 00:55:53 It says you learn the general nature of the danger posed. There's both good and bad in this danger. I feel like it's going to take your hand and open the door. Fun. Fun. We don't have any artifact that's a hand or any...
Starting point is 00:56:13 I smushed together some rations to make a hand shape. And then... I will press to digitate it to make it warm, like a living thing. All right. I'm going to let Sarah it to make it warm, like a living thing. All right. I'm going to let Sarah do a nature check with advantage. I'm going to eat it afterwards. Oh, man, this is making me hungry. Is it one of those chicken sausage hands?
Starting point is 00:56:43 The ham sandwich. It's a hamburger. I'm going to tell you chicken apple pretty high dc on this one 22 oh you managed to just find like some nice long pieces some nice thick pieces and when he cast pressed the digitation it almost seems like moisture sort of blossoms out of the meat and like helps it sinew together just like a little bit and when you place it in the stone pedestal the top half of the skull suddenly grows skull fangs and just snaps shut like clean on it and you just see like meat residue drip out the side the lava rock suddenly comes to life and steam starts to uh blast off of it as the dew in the air becomes moisture and the lava becomes hot and just expands to the left the right up and down until the door is gone and you see before you a strange portal
Starting point is 00:57:46 nicely done hell scene when this is done you're gonna be world famous for a like a cup of hell scene stout and a hand burger like people are gonna go fucking insane i'm imagining it like slim jim yeah like the flavor of a slim jim uh the portal is black and purple you can't you cannot quite see what is on the other side of this portal is that it just appears to be an expanse seeing as we've done kind of portal stuff recently can we tell anything about the portal like i'll let anybody who wants to an arcana check sure i'd love to i'm good at arcana i think i stink at it and i rolled a 20 so uh i did an arcana says plus six with my proficiency should i roll it again i rolled 20 again wow it's meant to be a dance yeah
Starting point is 00:58:37 how about everybody else goes and fucks himself uh that you were the 26 yeah you think this is a portal uh dr uid to another plane you're not sure what plane however i feel like i do remember a long time ago when we first talked about this that there was a portal to gehenna that the whole point of this is that this now takes that the actual we have to go through this um through hell come at the other side did we um did we feel like the altar was in gahanna dan was that what we just from what we've learned so far not sure we weren't sure okay i thought we thought it was in our plane but inside the mountain but maybe it's just all right guys we've got this far all right let's go to hell insight to remember or insight no i'll tell you straight up none of you are 100 sure okay what about that book can we flip through that books and check the gateways to get to henna yeah uh yeah uh if someone wants to look
Starting point is 00:59:41 at that book um you're gonna need to sort of of focus. It's going to be however high you roll. It'll depend on how many hours it takes and whether you succeed. Well, we're pretty safe and sconced in here without any bugs or any fear of falling off the cliff face, right? We can sort of just set up sort of like a weird web camp. Well, we don't know how long the portal will stay open from the Slim Jim hand, so would be my concern.
Starting point is 01:00:09 I'm setting an hourglass. You guys have 60 seconds. Something will happen. Throw something through the portal. Should we just go through? Let's go through and then we'll see what happens next. Yeah, can we link arms?
Starting point is 01:00:25 Yeah. Can we link arms? Yeah. Can we quantum leap it? Yeah. Like Voyagers, where we all... Whoa! So the Ice V links arms. As you step forward, you go... And you go...
Starting point is 01:00:37 Into place. Can I just say the dark thing that doesn't like it? Linking arms. Fine, go by yourself then. No, I roll my eyes. I do it. I do it, but I do a little bit of... As we're about to step through,
Starting point is 01:00:55 TikTok gets real close to Dark Thread's ear. He's like, don't worry. I've got you. Tingles. I like that.. Tingles. I like that. I'm worried. You all appear standing in a large stone chamber. There are, it sort of forms a cross as in like a plus sign.
Starting point is 01:01:19 And right now you're sort of in one area. There's still a glowing black and purple portal behind you, ahead of you. There is some sort of strange altar. It looks humanoid shaped. It's vertical, almost like half of a coffin. There is a strange bowl, like bathtub sized above it. And there are some sort of strange leather tubes that look ancient that go down into the altar as if something from the bathtub is going to transfer something into the human shape that would lie in the altar. And floating above the altar, floating above the altar is a crown made of black flame that hovers in the air.
Starting point is 01:02:03 of black flame that hovers in the air. The room has some calcified ancient armor in the corners. And, uh, one strange suit of armor seems blasted into the wall next to you and sort of fossilized there. And you see what looks like ancient shed reptilian flesh, uh, in a pile in the corner that seems to almost be like like
Starting point is 01:02:25 blowing in a light breeze well flesh is blowing just sort of like dead skin that's just kind of like a shed snake just like a small pile of it almost like a like a little bundle does it a mask did this do you want to go investigate it dead skin mask sure okay dark three you go over to it what do you want to do exactly you want to just like rifle through it you want to poke it no just want to like kind of look at it without touching it just eyeball it from from closer up yeah you stand there um you kind of like look in and uh it springs to life all of a sudden. A strange creature, almost like a tiny little dragon man,
Starting point is 01:03:10 stands up and looks at you. It looks so old, like so ancient, it shouldn't be able to hold itself together. You almost think you see hints of red and copper in its skin, but most of its skin is just sort of falling off and sloughing away. And it looks up at you and says, ah! Hi. Don't be scared.
Starting point is 01:03:36 Why, hello. What's your name? We mean you no harm. My name is Juniper Beef. Who are you? Juniper Beef Who are you? Juniper Beef? That's what I said My favorite flavor for Biltong We're uh
Starting point is 01:03:54 Hello strange adventurers Oh the Ice Five The Ice Five What is this room? I don't remember but I know some things. Yeah? This room? What is this room? This is the only place I can be.
Starting point is 01:04:13 I've been charged with explaining the room, but I don't remember much. What do you remember? I remember how this thing works, kind of. Also, I've been here a long time, so I've done things. What? A long time. Where are we?
Starting point is 01:04:37 He's a crazy old guy. You're in a special place created long ago. What is that black crown? Oh, that sucks. I call it the black crown. Does he look like Gus? You said he's a dragon man? He's a little dragon man.
Starting point is 01:04:55 I don't think any of you have seen one of these things before, but it looks, he's almost like a little gnome with reptilian features. If you want, you guys can do like a nature or history check to guess what it is. Sure. How about a 21? Nice.
Starting point is 01:05:19 Which one did you roll? I did a nature. Oh, okay. It's a kobold, but it looks unnaturally old, like some sort of spell is keeping it animated. Are you here to protect something in here? I'm here to
Starting point is 01:05:35 protect knowledge! Does anything else come to life in this room besides you, Juniper Beef? Well, there was my master many years ago, thousands of years ago. There was the others. They came in here.
Starting point is 01:05:51 They all went away, though. Sometimes new ones come. There was an elf that came here a few years ago, and then he went away. But there was, let's see, there was the pig man, the goat lady, the spider lady, the pig man. Who's the spider lady? They took the crown for a while and then the crown showed up again. The squid man, too.
Starting point is 01:06:16 Let's not forget the squid man. So is the crown make people the Tenebrous one? The what? What is the other name for him? Is there another name? Well, Manzikorian was, I think, the squid man he was talking about. What happens when you put on the black crown? What happens?
Starting point is 01:06:33 Oh, well, here's how it works. You lay in the stone bed and you put your things in the bucket. And then maybe you're strong enough for the black crown thing. I'll tell you what. Would you like to hear a song or a riddle?
Starting point is 01:06:54 I've got songs and riddles. Would you have to pick one or are we going to hear them both? No, I don't have to do anything. I can go back to sleep. Tell us a riddle. Very well. Are you prepared for the riddle of Juniper Beef?
Starting point is 01:07:12 Yes. Sure. Very well. Tell me, Ice Five, what lurks beneath the ground and grows many eyes in its search for immortality? Potato.
Starting point is 01:07:33 Yeah, potato. Would you like the song? So are these just fun riddles or do they have something to do with the black crown? I make these things up because i'm here for a really long time got it okay i think we're good on riddles then for now i have one guys mrs bigger has a child who's bigger the baby because he's just a little bigger oh that's good i'll tell that to the next one there you go thanks so we gotta decide whether tiktok's gonna become the tenebrous one or we're
Starting point is 01:08:05 gonna destroy the altar that was our plan right uh and we'll find out that plan next time on nerd poker uh that's an hour you guys so hey sam hey sam hi everybody hello what happened so this week for the entire episode all we did was climb up something, but doesn't sound that interesting, but we did it in a way that made me shit my tits. Nice. That's it? All right.
Starting point is 01:08:37 We'll take it. We already plugged stuff in the beginning. Sure did. Anything else? Nah. All right. Well, I'm doing Stacy Keach, Turn Off the beginning. Sure did. Anything else? Nah. Alright. Well, I'm doing Stacy Keach Turn Off the Dark.
Starting point is 01:08:49 And we're also wrapping up principal photography on Stacy Keach Into the Stacyverse. Nice. I heard that was animated. It is. It's very animated. Alright. Thanks for listening.
Starting point is 01:09:05 Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.

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