Nerd Poker - Minotaur Heist with Kevin Sussman
Episode Date: June 21, 2022Behold! Whilst we get ready for Season 5, enjoy this early 2020 bonus episode straight from Brian's house! Kevin Sussman from The Big Bang Theory comes by and takes our crew on one of their more... ch...aotic adventures. We hope you can come support us on www.patreon.com/nerdpoker and help keep this podcast alive!
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Hello nerds, it's me, Dan Telfer, and this is not your usual episode of Nerd Poker.
This is a bonus episode that we recorded at Brian's house in early February or January
of 2020 with Kevin Sussman, who Brian is cool enough to know from when he was on television.
It was a great time. I think you're really going to like this adventure. And it's from Patreon.
And we're sharing this with you because we are between adventures. Everyone's recalibrating
what character they're going to play in season five. But also, I really want to let you guys
know that Patreon isn't just like a place for bonus junk.
It is really the lifeblood of this podcast.
And I hope as many of you guys can hop on board as possible right now between seasons because there is just so much going on over there.
We've got like three bonus episodes a month.
We basically are doing twice the amount of episodes in another feed.
the amount of episodes in another feed. If you guys like what we're doing,
I have made so many characters and monsters and puzzles and adventures over
there that I'm really proud of.
But also we've got guests like comic book writer,
Gail Simone,
critical roles,
Marisha Ray and Matt Mercer.
Freaking Andy Richter was just on one of our bonus episodes.
You know,
Joe Manganiello has been on there a few times.
Tom Lennon did entire stretches and runs. Patton Oswalt has not only done a little run of adventures with
us, but him and his wife Meredith Salinger came on together. Brian has played with his wife,
Melanie, and his son Rhodes. There's just, it's just a ton of extra content. I do a little Dungeon Masters Q&A every week. There's, you know, bonus behind
the scenes videos. And I'm just so stoked that I get to do this podcast. And if folks weren't
able to contribute to Patreon, we couldn't keep doing Nerd Poker. So if you have any room in your
budget, I totally get if you can't. But if you have any room in your budget where you can subscribe
to us on Patreon, we're gonna make it worth your while we have a great time contributing
over there and we hope this taste convinces you thank you and have a pleasant nerding Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, comedian, writer, actor, nerd.
I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time.
I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room
with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs.
So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Clay, Chris.
Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.
Season three.
Hey, everybody.
It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.
It's our first bonus episode of the new year and of January,
which is the first month of the new year.
I don't know if you know that. Chris, you good? That's right. Yeah, yeah. year, end of January, which is the first month of the new year.
I don't know if you know that.
Chris, you good?
That's right.
Yeah, yeah.
You nailed it, buddy.
There we go.
My friends are here.
Chris.
Hello.
Sarah.
Hello.
Dan.
Hiya.
Blaine.
Hi.
We're down Ken, but at the end of the table, as always, is Sam.
Hi, everyone.
And because it's a bonus episode, we have a bonus friend.
I think everybody at the table met you for the first time tonight, right? But I've known Kevin Sussman for a while.
We worked together on a television show that was struggling for 12 years.
Really snuck by there.
On one of the small three,
is that what they're called, the network?
You got it, buddy.
Yeah, it was a show called The Big Bang Theory.
He's here.
Hey, Kevin.
We both played nerds.
We played nerds.
Played nerds.
Big quotes.
Thank you for being on our show, Kevin.
And we play in another game together,
and I thought he would be perfect to do the show.
I'm glad you're here, man.
Thanks.
Thank you.
You were wrong, but thank you.
You're going to have fun.
I promise.
I would like to thank some of the supporters
who on Patreon make this show possible.
Thank you, Shane Wager.
Thanks.
Thanks, Dick Trebuchet.
Thanks, Thorsday Adams.
Thanks, Thorsday. Thanks, Ben Zody. Thanks, Dick Trebuchet. Thanks, Thorsday Adams. Thanks, Ben Zody.
Thanks, Sam Gibson.
Thanks, Gamorian Orc.
Thanks, Steve Wilchester Stonerfieldville Vanhausen,
Orc Extraordinaire.
Thank you, Eric Maughan.
Thank you.
Thank you, Modeled Skeleton.
Thank you, Bobbert Bob.
Thank you, Dank Queep. Thank bob thank you dank queep thank you
shane herzer thank you scott parker thank you sean bryant thank you sean fake name thank you
pepperbert thank you tiktoks downstairs mix up oh thank you wiffle diffle 69 thank you alan
meneric thank you non-specific thank you matt carter thank you eric pain thank you nom nom the Thank you, Nonspecific. Thank you, Matt Carter. Thank you, Eric Payne.
Thank you, NomNomTheCon.
Thank you, Dr. Uwud Sticky Fluid.
And thank you, Toblerone Jones.
Yay!
Those are all real people.
Every single one of them.
We make them submit a birth certificate and a social security card before they're allowed to create a Patreon.com username.
So those are all verified, real, passport-worthy names.
What happened?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
It's a bonus episode.
We're starting from scratch here.
And you know, we're going to go around the table and meet everybody else first.
Then we'll narratively ask our guest's character to come on in.
But just for the sake of our listeners, because we don't know exactly which characters may show up.
Hey, Blaine, who will you be playing today?
Oh, hi.
It's me, Blackie Green.
Hooray, Blackie Green, a half-elf warlock, if I am not mistaken.
Yeah, you're not.
Very charismatic.
He is.
Hey, I didn't say it.
You like to let word of mouth travel for Blackie Green.
Hey, you know what?
Would you even know?
I let a lot of body parts travel like on a one to ten scale what or one to twenty scale
what your charisma is i don't even i don't i don't want to get into it i i never pay attention
to that stuff yeah hey brian who are you playing today um bode all right you did a big deep breath
you let the whole breath out and then with the last gasp You did Bodhi's voice
That's what I did
The half-orc barbarian
As we were telling Kevin
In the beginning of the episode
Named after
I'm full barbarian
Oh
But
Only half-orc
I'm not a half-barbarian
Yeah
Did I say you were?
No
I knew
That guy doesn't normally get sassy.
Yeah, I thought Bodhi was chill.
Bodhi's not sassy.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, you're right.
A little bit of that goth.
In the main campaign, he plays more of a goth, pouty, hot topic kind of guy.
I get it mixed up.
Hey, Sarah.
Bodhi's got to be chill.
Who are you playing today, Sarah?
I will be performing the role of Grima, who is a,
um,
forgot.
This is our town.
Spotlight.
Um,
uh,
who is a stout halfling and a fighter,
you know,
likes to swing a sword that is bigger than she is.
I think you say stout.
We say Bach.
Oh,
he's talking about dark beer.
There's a dark beer.
It's like a Bach. I prefer Newcast Dark Beer. Is it Dark Beer? No. It's like a Bach.
I prefer Newcastle myself.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Dan.
Who are you going to play today?
My name is Verden Fell.
I am a grave priest.
I search for my lost love, Lygia, and when I do, I will reunite us in death.
Wow.
When you do find her, not when you do search for her. No, yeah, when I find
her. Did I not say that part? You said, and when
I do. Oh, sorry.
And I was just like, whoa. Half barbarian.
I was like wondering for a second what you had in mind.
You know, you should
have had her chipped. We're all way more high than I thought we were.
You should have had her chipped. As soon as I find
her, right? Get her chipped. Behind the right ear.
Oh boy, that sounds
very strange. Now, is she dead?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
She has died, but thanks to the goddess of death, Shar,
I shall reclaim lives.
Wow.
Oh, Shar.
So all four of you are in a tavern talking about
Verdunfell's dead wife, I guess.
I feel like I've told you guys this story like 80 times. I keep thinking that Verdenfell's dead wife, I guess.
I feel like I've told you guys this story like 80 times.
I keep thinking that you're Norman.
My dead wife.
Herd and voice.
Dark Borat.
Y'all knocking back some beers.
Impersonating Borat.
And then a
minotaur enters the bar.
He is very large.
Oh, wow.
And very tall.
Hi.
He approaches your table.
Hi there.
Hi.
I overheard you guys talking about Verdunfell's dead wife.
Do we know each other?
I'm interested in what this segue is going to be.
I don't know anything about that.
Okay.
So please excuse my interruption.
Here, look at him.
I'm Kevnard.
My name is Kevnard.
Kevnard the Accountable.
Hey, Kevnard.
That's how I'm known.
I'm Bodhi.
That's sort of a nickname.
Okay.
Accountable to...
In general, you can rely on me.
It's a little bit of a play
on words because I work at a bank.
Oh.
In accounting?
Thus, Kevnard
the Accountable. Actually, I used to work
at a bank. I was
let go before the end of this last year.
And here's the thing.
I was let go without any kind of compensation.
I didn't get my Christmas bonus and so on.
And, you know, what's fair is fair.
I saw you guys here you seem like a capable group of
adventurers and i have a proposition to make i have special knowledge of bank tuck bill
where i worked and i'm wondering if you might join me by infiltrating the bank.
I happen to know where the vault is. I know my way around the bank. I have a map which
I can share with you. And I'd like to go into the bank and again, you know, I'm not a, this isn't like a, I'm not a violent person.
I don't want there to be any killing or anything.
I just want to go into the bank, make our way into the vault.
I just want to take what's mine.
I want my Christmas bonus.
Nothing else.
what's mine. I want my Christmas bonus. Nothing else. But here's, if you agree to join me on this quest, this is what I think we should do. We go in and I pretend to be a kidnapping victim of yours.
We, you know, we play this as though you guys are just some uh local bandits local
bandits are out of town exotic it's more exotic if we're out of town yeah yeah this isn't my branch
so i'm i'm uh yeah okay i mean i come to this bar all the time i've never seen you i'm assuming
you're from out of town yeah sure okay it doesn't even matter the point is we're on our way to ocean city
okay so we go in there um and you know i have plausible deniability because i could always say
that well you knew that i worked at this bank and you forced me to help you guys get in there and this way we go in you take what you
want i'm not a part of that uh normally you know i wouldn't even do this kind of thing i just want
what's mine i just want what's fair i don't want anybody to get hurt i'm not even gonna bring a
weapon i'm not a fighter i'm a banker um what do you guys think uh Are there other people that were wronged by the...
Who's the owner of this bank?
Do we know any background about him?
Yeah, you know, it's a goblin-owned bank.
It's got a lot of evil connections to it.
It's not surprising to you guys that a minotaur was employed as an accountant.
Wait, what is that supposed to mean?
You know, just sort of culturally, like goblins and minotaurs.
You've heard of beast folk like that kind of hanging out together.
No offense, beast folk out there.
Stereotyping.
Not even sure what that means.
This is a heist.
Yeah.
I'm asking you to do a heist.
Yeah, I'm asking you to do a heist.
I've done them in my past.
I was part of a group called the Dead Paladins,
where we would rob banks and coastal towns.
There was something about your disguise, though, wasn't there, Boney?
Yeah, I'd wear a paladin mask of a dead paladin.
Famous paladin.
A famous paladin.
Did he become famous after he died? No.
Oh my gosh.
Wait, no, I don't remember.
I answered that and I'm not even sure.
This is
gross. Some gross backstory
about his actual face
you wore on your own face? No, no, no, no.
Masks. A disguise.
I thought it was like a death mask.
So you took the mask off the dead guy?
No.
So you ripped his face off
and put it on your own face
while it was still dripping blood.
Haven't you seen the movie Point Break?
Oh, actually, no.
So that's why that didn't make any sense to me.
It's a mask you would purchase
at a store that sells funny things.
I saw face off and I saw The Mask.
Right.
Yeah.
So is it like either one of those?
Yes, both.
Okay, so this is a plot point in the film,
in our real world life, called Point Break.
Well, no, my character, Bodhi, is...
Right, but then Bodhi is...
But his history...
I got it.
I got it now.
I'm sorry.
This is my fault.
You don't remember?
I've played this before.
No, no, because she wasn't,
she was not back with us
at full time
when we did those bonus episodes.
We did cover all of this.
Yeah, we covered
his whole backstory.
Yeah.
Hey, did any of our characters
see 1917?
I could talk about that
for a while.
It was amazing.
My character saw that
a few days ago.
It was really,
really something else.
My character chose to see
Knives Out instead
because he hadn't seen it yet.
Oh.
You were talking earlier that I might,
not morally, but my character's done this before.
Sure, you've done heists before,
but specifically, you're going to kind of have to
pretend you've got a hostage.
Oh, right.
And walk in there with somebody.
He doesn't want any violence.
No killing.
Well, listen.
Maybe some shoving.
Sure.
Some intimidating. No one. Well, listen. Maybe some shoving. Sure.
Some intimidating. No one wants to hurt anyone, but we must be prepared to properly carry out the drama.
I mean.
Can we do like a Batman situation where we knock 400 people unconscious in the space
of like three minutes?
That's totally cool.
Yes.
They'll all be fine.
Yeah, it'll be interesting for sure.
And he knows not only the layout, he can show you all his map, but he knows there are armed guards at specific locations.
Well, let's get into that.
Persona-wise, these people you do not want to hurt,
how many are we talking about?
Not many.
I mean, there are a couple of armed guards, you know.
How many arms?
Well, it depends on what day of the week we do this because sometimes there are minotaurs
i don't know how many if you're considered so if like is it considered an arm if there's a hoof on
it sure my point is that's a leg we're looking at where you're looking at probably about a dozen arms or so. Okay. All right. So six people.
Roughly, depending on the race.
Here's my question about how this might apply to us in the city at large is,
will we have any alarms rung and have local constabulary things happen to us?
things happen to us so you know um uh kevinard there are at least three doors that have both traps and alarms attached to them uh on either end of this hallway leading to the vault
and the ice machine and leading on down into the basement where the vault proper is
there's also a potential for some kind
of alarm like magic alarm in both of the bank manager offices on either side but those those
are optional you guys don't have to go into those offices that's if you want more treasure now do
they all now know this or is that in a i'm kind of filling it in yeah discussion in a in a private
for the sake of i'm private, for the sake of,
I'm saying like for the sake of this narrative,
you would share this,
but they haven't agreed to do it yet.
True.
If I just give them all of this info before they've agreed,
they could just cut me out of the whole thing.
That's a great idea.
Grab him.
That's on how this adventure is supposed to go down.
Put him in a sack and throw it in the river.
I would say that...
I'll throw you this.
Maybe this would make Kevin Hart a little more comfortable
sharing that much information.
You would know these guys probably couldn't pull the heist off
without a hostage because there's an alarm,
there's an alarm, there's an alarm,
there's an alarm, and there's an alarm.
And if they all go off,
this place is going to be flooded with a goblin army.
We're talking like solid 50 goblins,
more than would normally fit in there
and they would just get overwhelmed.
Yeah.
So this isn't a situation where we can go in axes blazing.
We're going to need to...
Well, unfortunately...
See that table over there?
Of those other gentlemen without all the axes?
Yeah.
What do we think?
Well, I think it's outrageous that you didn't get your Christmas bonus.
Thank you.
So in the spirit of Christmas?
I guess we're going to go rob a bank.
After Christmas.
It's a Christmas heist.
Yeah.
Well, it's a post-Christmas.
It's a first quarter heist.
For President's Day.
Yeah.
For President's Day, we should do this.
After all, Bodhi's wearing them on his face.
Well, he's wearing paladins.
That's why I got the paladins.
I know.
You get it.
All right.
So here's the problem.
How do we, can you handle alarms?
Do you know how to diffuse these alarms?
No.
Um,
but I know where they are.
Okay.
And I think that we can coerce the people that do know how to undo the
alarms to undo the alarms.
What will happen if I attack an alarm?
Would that work?
Do you think?
I mean,
I feel like that's my skillset really.
And that's,
that's sort of the start and finish of it.
Yeah.
But I'm,
I'm happy to give it a go.
So I,
so you have some success with that in the past?
Alarms per se, no.
But definitely I have swung swords at things,
and that's worked out pretty well so far.
She's a brute.
Excuse me, sir.
In a good way.
How dare you.
I'm just saying.
Merry Christmas.
Well, bah humbug.
Well, I think that might work.
Okay, let's do it.
I mean, as long as we, you know, we can do it
surreptitiously.
People are dying. A little bit of narrative
texture for you guys, too. You guys are currently
drinking in a dwarven city underground, and this
is a bank run by goblins just
outside in an adjacent
series of caves. This is all
subterranean, and this
is behind thick stone walls that are virtually
impossible to get through because they're magically protected so uh this is the only way in
is the two front doors between those two guards right there that's the door in and we have to go
all the way back and then down those stairs and there is another door here and another door here.
I'm going to dress up like an old lady
named Tilly Shimmelstone.
I'm going to put a blanket over my lap and I
need Fred or Barney to push me into the
bank teller.
And I successfully
defeat all the guards and rob the bank.
Oh my gosh, this has been fun.
Kevin, thank you so much for driving all the way out here.
Thank you for having me.
Can you enter the bank under your own,
as though you are walking in and then are grabbed,
or do you need to be held, like forced in,
as though you have already been taken prisoner?
Well, I don't technically work there anymore.
I was escorted out of the bank
because they made a little bit of a fuss
when they fired me.
Why were you fired?
You know, I'd rather not
go into that.
Shouldn't we hold you
accountable?
Oh boy!
The thing is,
I did some creative accounting. know move some ones and some some
twos and larger numbers than that around and i probably shouldn't have uh but you know what i
mean when i got the job at the bank i thought everything was above board i didn't realize that
the people that work at this bank uh were not you know, these are not good orcs.
Their
ethics were questionable.
A skewed
moral compass, if you will.
So this money,
I...
What did you do with that money?
I gave it all to charity.
I would have. I would have if I hadn't
gotten caught.
That was my intention.
You know, I'm not in this for the money.
I don't have a nice house.
I'm just...
One bedroom labyrinth.
Exactly.
Couple throw pillows, you know.
Well, I think this sounds like a great idea
and it's going to go great.
So I say let's do it
all right yeah you guys are in i'm out you're out i have an eight wisdom and in my eight wisdom i uh
i think this is a grand plan i think this could go very well for us yeah sure so everybody's in
because i need all of you guys i just feel like it wouldn't be right
you're all sitting at this table can we i think they're all in yeah so now it's just really a
matter of figuring out what the running order say would be like front to back as you guys bring a
hostage would anybody wait outside is there anyone in this bar though who we could buy like
like uh scrolls or something from like maybe some non-lethal since we don't
have a lot of non-lethal stuff right yeah we have healing potions left from
last time remember we talked about that okay well yeah I love to see if there's
oh yeah six healing potions I'd love to see if yeah there's maybe some kind of
you know seller of something that would could help us either with traps or non-lethal weaponry.
I mean,
if anybody would like,
they can,
uh,
they can canvas the bar with a persuasion check.
Here's one thing.
Not that this isn't a good way to get stuff.
I would be,
if we're about to do a heist,
I'd be careful about how many people we start telling,
Hey,
do you have a great way to make everybody go to sleep or whatever?
Right? Sure, sure.
We should just be careful about it.
The fun thing about this
is for some reason
I always feel like
these adventures
almost don't count.
You know, it's like
we're going to just do it
for two hours
and then it's like
we just wake up
like it never happened.
Yeah, I feel like
no matter if we all die,
it's still going to be okay.
How about everybody
rolls a persuasion?
I was going to say,
I think Blackie Green should do it because he's going to be the most persuasive.
I just roll a 20.
I don't know if that counts.
What's your bonus to persuasion?
My bonus to persuasion?
Your charisma bonus, if you will.
My charisma bonus?
That's a plus 4
so 24
and what are you looking for exactly
what is the goal of canvassing the party for something to help
I just wanted to see if there was an open mic
I just wanted to run some new stuff
I have a new chunk about
people who crate their dogs
there's a mic on Tuesday unfortunately
oh god damn it
is this like a book showcase
sorry
I'm going to take my amp back out to the car
you do find a very sketchy looking wizard
from asking around
he's in the corner
and he has a few potions
that you guys could buy
cool
is that the first time I've bought potions at a bar
what kind of potions uh he has two usually molly's oh huh yes disability potion they cost a platinum
each oh that's a lot of records it's uh you need to have had a platinum record and give him like
the mounted framed record with a little plaque under it i record and give him the mounted, framed record
with the little plaque under it.
I'm going to give him only the lonely and in the ghetto.
That is a lot of gold.
I'll reach inside my vest and pull out two platinum pieces
and hold them up and say,
we expect this to be discreet.
He nods.
Where do you get platinum from?
As you pull them out, they disappear from your hand.
Oh, you're so
scary. But then he, analog
style, takes out of the pouch two
invisibility potions and places them.
Kind of kills it when you just have to use your hands at the end.
Stares at you
for a while when you do that. I would like
to buy some visibility potions.
Just be like a can of paint.
Yeah, he's
got some primer.
Oh, good.
Okay.
All right, so you have two invisibility potions,
but that's about the most you can get out of this bar.
Mostly it's just dwarves.
You feel like maybe you could have bought some weapons,
but I think you guys are actually pretty well armored
and have magical weapons, that is,
and don't really require what they have,
which is just like basic clubs and hammers and stuff like that.
About as set as you're going to get from the bar.
Shall you approach this goblin bank?
Oh, can we have a training montage first for the heist?
Oh, of course.
Can this wizard identify anything for us?
Survivor starts playing.
What's that?
Can the wizard identify anything for us real quick?
An eyebrow raises.
Why don't you do a persuasion check
to see if this wizard you kind of
snarked at would like to
help you identify something.
I feel like we're doing an appropriate amount of bureaucracy.
16.
He says he has enough
spells on his mind at the moment
where he could identify three things for you.
I only want to do one thing if anybody else has something.
These guys have old stuff,
Kevin, so I think what they're doing is taking
advantage of something I've suggested at some point,
which is figuring out what some of the mysterious
items are that they've won. This is treasure
from other episodes.
I want to identify a necklace
with seven beads taken
from the zombie mind flayer.
All right.
Those beads are fireball level three.
Well, what are the green potions that Bodhi has?
Can you imagine pulling that necklace out?
How many do you have in your butt real fast?
I couldn't say, but I don't think I used them.
Those are...
He's had them a while.
Those are acid vials. So you can use an action to splash the contents on your creature.
It'll shatter on impact, and it does 2d6 acid damage.
Okay.
I just have written down folded black wings yeah what does that mean
it's a danzig song from 19 uh for his third identifying with the sitar uh he tells you
those are wings of flying and so i'll give you the just the verbal you might want to write this
down and i can you know text everyone have those i just wrote it down. I think cause we got,
I have six healing potions.
I must've just written down everything.
That was the last one.
So much of this,
the group treasure is,
it really is like if you can treasure,
yeah.
Aren't all wings,
wings of flying.
So this is,
it's a Buffalo wild wing.
While,
while,
uh,
attuned to it,
you fly to the,
and I'll say you can,
you can,
you know,
spend some time attuning to it automatically.
Cause it's a bonus episode and it's only more fun if i do this we would have said you could do
uh it could be a cloak it turns into a pair of bat wings or bird wings your choice on your back
for one hour or until you repeat the command word as an action the wings give you a flying speed of
60 whoa hey volume went up and down uh the wings give you a flying speed of 60 feet. When they disappear, you can't use them again for a few hours.
How long?
One hour.
She has to roll a 12-sided dice.
That's crazy cool.
Bat wings?
We have those.
I have that, too.
It's group driving.
It's one thing that we all have.
Oh, OK.
Multiple people wrote it down because it was at the end of an episode.
We'll just hang on to it.
What about my velociraptor's claw?
Unfortunately,
he now tells you
it's time to pay him
another 100 gold per spell
and he does not have
any other spells
on his mind
to identify things.
Okay.
Okay.
Do we have a bunch more stuff?
We have 300 and...
I'm saying no.
Do we have more stuff
to identify?
He can't identify anything else.
Oh, he can't.
He's out. Okay, so I'll take it. Guys, that was our entire...
Thanks for nothing, fuckface.
What? No, I'm kidding.
It was very nice of you. He helped us.
It's pronounced fuckfotchy.
If Brian's character, Kevin, doesn't
fight for like a solid 15 minutes,
he becomes openly hostile
waiting for the next thing to happen.
You guys are new here. I come to this bar, so can we...
That's all right.
I have to see these people again.
You're making some sort of reference to the petty cash fund.
Are you low on money now?
Well, I...
Maybe you are.
I don't know.
I'll pay that.
How much was it?
It was $300.
I'll pay.
Okay.
Where is all your money coming from?
Don't worry about it. Wait, do you guys know already? And I don't know? No, no. Where is all your money coming from? Don't worry about it.
Wait, do you guys know already?
And I don't know?
No, no.
Nobody knows where my money comes from.
I mean, I know where my money comes from.
When a wallet and a purse love each other very much.
In a prior life, I led a life of leisure in the court of a king.
Oh, my goodness.
A crit.
So you're just going on these adventures just for fun to find your dead wife?
No, it's not fun now.
Sarah, I texted you a link to Wings of Flying if you need references. Oh, okay, thank you.
I fly out of the room.
And now, the solo adventures of Grima.
There's a bunch of people just in Austin waiting for her to fly out from under the bridge.
Here she goes!
All right, well now that the main cast has had their their their moment to catch up on previous
episodes we should really have kevnard lead you to the bank lead us kevnard you um well uh i'm
thinking that we should leave this bar separately i'm just gonna mosey back over to the jukebox
which is just a guy with a tambourine.
Wait, would it be better for us
to lead you out of the bar at knife point, though?
Oh, restarting it now?
Since they already saw us together.
I'm open to suggestions.
Hey, why don't we throw a blanket over his head
and then just all sort of walk out of the bar
looking around weird
and then shove him into the Uber?
Well, the thing is,
if we do that and i mean what if everybody in
this bar like is alerted and and tries to come after you and even worse than that what if everyone
in this bar sees me kidnapped and does nothing that would be that would be terrible oh to your
precious ego of course yeah that's gotta be a tough then let's go ahead and sneak out
to your precious ego, of course.
That's got to be a tough one. Then let's go ahead and sneak out.
I'll go out first.
I'm going to sneak out, and I'll
meet you guys outside. Do a stealth check for me,
Kevnard. Me? Yeah, roll a 20-sided dice
and add your stealth modifier, which is
filed under S down there.
Of course. Where do you get to the stealth?
Tell our listeners, please. Plus 4
stealth. I'm quite stealthy.
For a giant Minotaur.
For a Minotaur, you know.
Yet I was still always picked last in gym.
Here we go.
Oh.
Ooh, that's not great.
I've rolled a four.
So plus four.
So that's an eight.
That's your bonus.
So on his tiptoes, the Minotaur clomps loudly on his his hooves out of the bar and everybody notices right he
attempts to be sneaky but unfortunately the floor is marble and i just makes kind of can i sort of
change it up and try to act like i'm sort of falling because i'm drunk sort of you know
clomping uh whoa yeah that was. Do a deception check now.
From Hee Haw, isn't it?
I have no special
deception skill.
Yeah, you're plus zero to deception.
Alright, so a few of the bar
patrons are like, look at this guy.
So they buy it.
This guy from the neck down, the bull from the
neck up.
So while Grima attunes herself to the wings of flying,
you guys take a break?
I thought we had decided who was going to do it.
Okay.
We haven't decided.
Oh, does someone have to pick?
Someone's got to pick because it's going to become their thing.
You should do it because I think I already have flying levitation.
There's no reason it should be me.
Let's do a draw straws for it.
That's the only fair way, I think.
Well, if it's the a draw straws for it. That's only a fair way, I think. Well,
if it's the three of you
who want it,
it's pretty easy
to roll a six-sided dice
and just say.
The paperwork that we're doing
on this episode
is really dull.
One, two.
I apologize to everyone
who's listening.
Three, four, five, six.
Someone roll a six-sided.
I'm going to do my taxes
for the next 25 minutes.
I have a three-sided dice.
This would be the perfect time
for that.
That's Sarah.
You win the dice roll.
You rolled a six-sided and I said five and six is you, so time for that. That's Sarah. You win the dice roll. You roll the six-sided, and
I said five and six is you, so you get it.
Oh, okay. Well.
Drew Strauss and agreement wins.
What shall be
shall be. Are you going to pick bat wings
or bird wings?
Definitely bird. I don't like bats,
so birds. Fair.
And so
you just need to decide how you're going to meet up and enter the main doors.
The main doors are between that Spriggan and that Quaggoth, the two creatures there.
If we want these people to believe that we are taking him hostage, you have to be all over him.
Right.
If it's me holding him, they're going to be like, and we're wanting them to buy that he is a hostage.
So he can't be mind controlled.
He has to be like, I don't wanna do this, help me, help me.
Yeah, right. All over him.
Yeah, so meaning like Bodhi has to have
like a blade to his neck and because you're
another strong person, you might need
to be kind of on him as well.
Yeah, I mean, he's a minotaur,
so I could have a blade to like his butt, I guess,
as we're walking behind.
I think you should be the boss,
and I think that leaves you and me to kind of check corners
and do that kind of stuff.
Okay.
So by the boss, do you mean like boss baby?
So someone's pushing Kevnard through the front doors?
Yeah, and I'll do a fake restraint on his arms.
Do you want to rehearse it?
Oh, no.
No, well, we're doing it right now, aren't we?
Yeah, yeah.
All right, I'm going to need...
So is it just Bodhi and Kevnard going in,
or is anyone going in invisible first?
Yeah, like, are you...
I don't...
Yeah, what's your plan?
Let's go over the plan.
Yeah, I don't...
I think everybody needs to drop bits for a second
and tell our listeners exactly what they're planning to do
through the front doors.
If you go through the front doors with him held hostage,
they're just going to attack you?
Well, this is your idea.
Yeah, what do you.
My idea?
Yeah, it is.
How do you think this is going to go?
I've worked at this bank for years.
Trust me, this will work.
So one thing you could do, Kevin.
So what's the first thing that's going to gonna happen let me take some pressure off of our guest
kevin to magic up the narrative here and tell you that you would i think no you could go in there
and just pretend you're like making one last plea for your paycheck okay and it doesn't say go well
you're there to pick up some of your old stuff that never got sent to you in a cardboard box
but while i'm being kidnapped no and then have them show up oh and use you in a cardboard box. But while I'm being kidnapped? No, and then have them show up.
Oh, yes.
And use you as a hostage.
Yes, I left.
Yeah, I'm there to clean out my desk.
So you could be there just like talk to one of the other admin folks.
Now, you did work it out.
You were assistant to one of the bank managers,
you were assistant bank manager for the guy who worked in this office.
Yes, Stephen.
So you know you could probably get Steven to open
one or more of these doors.
You could get into Steven's office.
And you could ask
Steven to come out and meet you guys.
Yeah.
Wait, to meet them?
To meet you. But at some point
these guys can start holding you hostage.
I don't think I can get into Steven's office, but I can ask
one of these guys to.
Here's Stephen, by the way, if you can put Stephen.
Oh, yeah.
And what if this?
What if we use our invisibility potions
and have a couple of us already in there when he's doing this?
So then let's say Stephen's door gets kicked open.
Yeah.
I was about to say I have invisibility.
I also have gaseous form.
And I also have a dimension door just
in case shit gets up close wow so why don't i just go in and get everything and i'll meet you guys at
friendlies great plan perfect great all right i'm at friendlies are you gonna go in yeah i'm gonna
go in solo so put your little man in the bank I gaseous form up and try to like...
He's actually bigger than the other guys.
He's around.
He is.
But so are you.
What if we save gaseous form for maybe when doors are locked?
Right now, I think invisibility is only going to work in this first room
because once people know we're there, invisibility is not as much of our friend.
Yeah, okay.
Right?
Okay.
I think room one is we could have one.
If you're going to be the grabber, you're the hardest.
Who's the worst stealth wise to get in?
Maybe Grima.
I was going to try to knock one of them unconscious.
I was going to try to knock them unconscious and then grapple them to the ground.
That's my plan.
So you should be invisible so you can get a sneak attack, right?
No, I'll just sneak up behind him.
Invisible?
No, look, you guys are going to go in.
He's going to ask Steven to come out or whatever, so then they're here.
Then I'm just going to come in the front doors, and then I'm just going to take him down.
Great.
This guy, this small guy.
That's my plan.
Don't hurt him, though.
Right, no, I'm going to knock him unconscious. Okay, I'll take the small guy that's my plan don't hurt him though right no i'm gonna knock him unconscious
okay i'll take the big guy do you want to drink an invisible potion so you can get the jump on him
oh that's what i mean like he can walk in and it can look like it's just him walking in sure
yeah that's great yeah so that's what he i want to waste an invisibility
kevin you go in great i sometimes drink invisibility potions because I like the taste.
What?
Kevinard, you head in solo first.
I think they taste like soap.
What would you like to do?
Would you like to try to...
A certain percentage of people
think invisibility potions
taste like...
I can tell if there's invisibility
in my burrito.
It's a genetic thing.
Some people,
invisibility potions
taste like soap.
Cilantro.
Oh.
Now, so which one is Yanny and which one is Laurel?
Slowly remove several traps from the bank in order to have time to get to the vault.
All right.
The minotaur named Kevnar, the accountable, walks into the bank.
Now, you know you need to get Stephen's attention before
these guys come in,
but you know he's locked up in his office.
Look, I know I drew this map.
Yeah, yeah.
And each of these desks,
those are desks, and there's a goblin
at each one that talks to people and arranges for money.
And the one
you're most friendly with is this guy.
His name is Glubbins.
So you can go up to Glubbins and ask him to go get steven yeah okay that's what i'm gonna do i'm logging up to glubbins do a persuasion check wait there's a bunch of people in here that are
not on the board yeah they're civilians and like can we like pretend that i showed these guys
does not work if i don't know that there's people in here. Again, there are going to be people in there who will see it,
but you don't know.
Yeah, there's...
Well, you understand my confusion.
It looked so empty, like a foyer of some kind.
I apologize.
I did not bring a full army of miniatures today.
I feel like I can try to...
Well, I'm pocketed to the plan.
I go in, and I'm ready to grapple.
Okay.
It's just a small local bank.
It's like a credit union. Okay, so you're going to get Steven out, and then we're doing this. Next time I make a small local bank. It's like a credit union.
Okay, so you're going to get Steven out, and then we're doing this.
Next time I make a goblin bank, I'm buying an army of goblin miniatures.
This will be so much more clear.
Did everybody see the map?
Yeah.
Okay, got it.
Okay, we got to go, guys.
We got to do this.
All right, so I walk over to Gobel.
Gobel?
Glubbins.
Charlie Gobel. Glubbins. Charlie Gobel.
Glubbins.
Oh, I have to do this persuasion check.
Because he looks up at you and he kind of sneers at you.
I'm pretty good with this.
None of these guys, these goblins are armed.
Oh, boy.
What's your persuasion bonus?
Sorry, they're my dice.
Plus four.
Okay.
So.
You know, he kind of makes a face and he says i don't think you should be here it's so typical um okay so i'm just gonna i mean can i reason
with him without using a i or i guess that's you can try but i mean if you do another persuasion
the difficulty is going to go up.
Yeah.
And if you can try another tactic like intimidation to scare him.
I would never do that.
Your intimidation bonus is also pretty good.
I do have a pretty good intimidation bonus.
I can't believe it's come to this so soon.
Here we go.
So what are you going to do?
You're going to threaten him?
Yeah.
What are you going to say?
I'm going to say, look, I was fired.
I don't want any problems, but I need to speak to my old boss,
and I really can't have you in my way.
Okay, so roll that intimidation.
Strong words like that.
Roll intimidation.
And I rolled a 14 plus 4.
That's a good roll.
He's never seen me like this.
No, and this makes sense.
He sees the vein kind of appear in your forehead and start throbbing.
And the little ring in your nose kind of starts flapping around.
And so he backs slowly away and goes into Stephen's office
and disappears for a few minutes.
Now is it time for us to come in?
Yeah.
We think it probably is, right?
We didn't have a system.
We gotta wait for Stephen to come out.
It's up to you.
We didn't have a signal though,
so I assume that we probably just said
we're coming in after.
Oh, we should have come up with a signal.
Wait, we didn't.
Okay, I sneak in.
Yeah, I will walk in behind her pretending to be.
Is anybody invisible?
I am not.
You have that as an option.
Somebody was, right?
Weren't you gonna be?
Yeah.
Yeah, Brian's invisible.
So one invisibility potion is down.
You're invisible.
I'm going to try to sneak behind this small guy.
Okay.
Do a stealth check, please.
I mean, the bank is open to the public.
You guys could just come in.
No one knows.
I come in, but then I'm going to try to sneak around.
She's going to try to subdue him before he can.
You haven't met us.
A stealth check, you said?
Uh-huh.
How does a 21
sound? So without him
noticing a thing, you just glide
right behind him and you get him in a sleeper hold?
Yes, I would like to take it down.
He's going to contest that with a strength check.
So you're both going to roll a 20-sided dice and whoever gets the
higher check wins.
As soon as you get him, you're like, oh, I'm so much tougher
than this guy.
He rolls a two. So did I. I have a plus three. He has a minus one. As soon as you get him, you're like, oh, I'm so much tougher than this guy.
He rolls a two.
So did I.
I have a plus three.
He has a minus one.
Okay.
You win.
Jeez Louise.
Night, night.
So he's holding a crossbow, but he's a very slim kind of fey looking guy. And as soon as you get him, he goes, and he's limping your arms within seconds.
I wink at the Minotaur, and I'm like, he's just sleeping.
So you can go ahead and just tip him over for me for now. This guy? Yeah, just so we know he's like limp in your arms within seconds. I wink at the Minotaur and I'm like, he's just sleeping. So you can go ahead and just tip him over for me for now.
This guy?
Yeah, just so we know he's out of play.
Oh, it's my first day.
However, when you do that, the Quaggoth across from him,
this big hyena looking dude just kind of like,
he's like flares his nostrils at you and starts like pounding an axe.
But I'm right behind that guy already.
Okay, you're going to need to do a stealth checks even though you're invisible you get to do it on the
head yeah so roll twice and take the higher number brian for your stealth
very limited space in here so you still gotta without making a suspicious noise
slide through the door get behind behind him. 17 plus two.
Boom.
All right.
You're behind him and you get an arm around him.
You're going to sleep or hold this guy.
Yeah.
So strength check for Bodhi versus the choir gods,
please.
I'm not totally comfortable with this. He rolled a six plus four.
You just said don't kill anybody.
I know,
but this is.
I rolled an 11 plus seven.
He also goes out.
Fargo.
You tipped him over.
Both the guys.
Try to get somebody kidnapped and turn into a murderer.
Go out.
And I'm going to say because you did it so stealthily,
it doesn't pop your invisibility.
Nice.
So he just starts gagging Grima,
and you just see him drop to the ground.
It goes perfectly according to the almost plan that you had.
And the other three goblins
freak the fuck
out. I'm going to ask
Grima, because he helped you
roll with advantage, intimidation
on those three goblins to see what happens
with them. What three goblins?
If you look at the map, there's four
desks. Okay, I know what I'm going to say to them.
Oh shit, okay. And there's a goblin at each one.
Okay.
Is there like a closet or anything in here?
Two of them are eating lunch.
There's Steven's office.
No, but there's Steven's office and there's another office behind another door.
There could be like a silent alarm in there, though.
Oh, God darn it.
Well.
What'd you roll?
Was I rolling an intimidation?
With advantage.
Oh, with advantage.
Uh-huh.
Because invisible Bodhi freaked everybody out.
God damn it.
Terrible roll.
No, better.
Better.
That's a nine.
Okay.
Well, the other three are like frozen and freaked out, but they're not running or crying
out or anything like that.
I make my eyes look as crazy as possible and I go like, shh.
Because they know what you want.
Bodhi, what do you think you're doing stealthily run over and duck duck goose just smack their heads and and put them to
sleep let's do roll three dice and those are going to be three stealth rolls sorry kevnard i'm i'm
running behind you catching each one what's your stealth bonus injure them what's your stealth
bonus uh two cool do me a favor to make this quick roll two other 20s with that so it's What's your stealth bonus? What's your stealth bonus? Two
Do me a favor to make this quick, roll two other 20s with that
So it's
Do you need these?
Here, borrow my dice
Blackie and I are smoking cigarettes in front of the bank
We're just literally just standing there
Get in here
A 15, a 10, and a 14
Boom, that's enough for these civilians
I don't want them to hit their head on the desk
or anything.
Now do three strength checks to bop these guys
and if you roll
a critical, they die.
What?
And if you roll under an 8,
they stay conscious.
But that's with your bonus.
So what's your strength bonus?
7. 7. So 11. but that's with your bonus so what's your strength bonus uh seven okay so 11 so no botches did you
get any botches uh over 20 yeah no but if you natural 20 natural 20 oh no so no yeah no botches
you pull a punch enough that all three of them go down but you you didn't botch any? No. Okay. And none of them die? No.
And they all go unconscious?
Yes.
Great.
Worst secret Santa ever.
That could have gone terribly.
Blackie and I walk in and I go, I really like English Settlement, but then there's also Black Sea.
There's a lot of ways to go.
You guys are outside?
Is that right?
I think Drums and Wires, Black Sea, English Settlement.
Those are the only three that you really need.
Vernon and Blackie, are you still outside?
No, we just walked in the front door.
Okay, can you put your minis in if you're in play at this point?
You too, Bodie?
I know you're invisible, but can you throw your mini up there
so we get a sense of you?
Anyway, I think that after Terry went to Australia,
I think he was doing some shows with Colin.
What are the Laker game things that they're saying
when they walk in and die hard?
They're talking about...
Where's Bodie's mini?
I'm doing this for Brian because he didn't hear me do it.
So-and-so passes to him and then blam.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Worthy.
Y'all come in.
Yes.
Yeah, one of the best.
Everything's going so well, you guys.
And then Glubbins comes in with Steven.
Right.
Glubbins!
Yeah, Steven. Right. Goblins! Yeah,
Steven!
And now a short play by
Blaine Capac. You guys
see this fiery dwarf
come in. It's magic. It's magic and worthy.
He looks around and he sees there are
three downed goblins,
two unconscious guards.
He looks,
sees how outnumbered he is
and he makes a run
for this door.
Wait, is Steven a good,
do you like him or no?
No, he's his old boss.
He's the guy who laid him off.
And I'm right there?
Uh-huh.
I grab him.
Do a athletics check, please.
Don't go crazy.
All he heard't go crazy. All he
heard was go crazy.
16 plus
7. Yeah, you just
fucking scoop around him.
Unfortunately, he's very tough.
So you've got him,
but he starts yanking
against you immediately.
What do you want to do?
Bop him.
You feel like if you bop this guy, he's not going to instantly go unconscious.
It's going to get violent.
I'll cast hold person on him.
Okay.
Can you tell the listeners what hold person does?
Sure.
A humanoid I see within range Must make a wisdom saving throw
It must be to 17 or be paralyzed
For up to one minute
Plus one to wisdom and he rolls a 14
What's your spell save? 17
I wish I knew that you had that before we got in here
That would have been helpful
Oh I have a few things, well we were just going so quickly
And you wanted to get behind him
And he's like paralyzed in your arms
Good, okay
He just died in your arms tonight.
Must have been something you ate.
Hey, why don't we move everybody into Stephen's office?
We've got a minute.
The door is open, and you can...
That door is open?
...to Stephen's office.
He didn't get as far as the magically sealed door.
We need someone to unseal that door, remember?
But if you want, you can drop Stephen,
the guards, and the goblins
all in Stephen's office.
Okay, let's do it.
Should we try to get one?
Is there like a fingerprint scanner
on the door or something?
We could use one of their faces,
like open their eyeball.
Stephen and Glubbins can tell us about that.
How do we, what do we, yeah.
So Glubbins is the only guy
who is currently conscious
or functional. How long does hold person last? A minute. So I'm going to say, so we got a- Glubbins gets the only guy who is currently conscious or functional.
How long does hold person last?
A minute.
So I'm going to say, so we got to bind.
Glubbins going to screw the door?
So I'm going to bind him.
You can ask him.
Glubbins, open that door.
Roll a intimidation check with advantage.
Aren't these bodies enough intimidation?
Someone else should have done this, but it's too late now.
Well, you said it, and narratively, it's just the most fun if I pin it to you.
17.
He gulps and says,
Yeah, I don't really know the spell, but there's a scroll in Steven's desk.
Okay.
Glimpsed that in there anyway.
So you go in there.
Time's ticking by really fast.
Insight check.
Move fast.
I'm tying Steven up. Agreement really fast insight check insight check uh i'm tying steven up i agree to roll an insight check please tying steven up noted i rolled a four and
i have a negative one to my insight so i think it's probably true all right so you go to the desk
and uh yeah there's a desk there okay it's got drawers somebody else open this is a check for
traps just don't press the button
that's the alarm uh verdon do an investigation check please an investigation check you say i do
say
thank you for my diaperson i'm bringing all the bodies in this is bad we got we got that already
five okay you rolled a five i did. You don't have to laugh.
Desk looks fine to Verdunfell.
Anyone else want to check the desk out?
Hey, I'm going to be the last guy in the room.
What's going on in this room out here?
Right now it's cleaned out.
They've dumped all the bodies in Stephen's office.
Stephen's tied up.
We have to open this door,
and this guy told us that there's a scroll in the desk that will do it.
I'm going to do a thing where I hold my elf hand up to my elf ear
and see if I can hear anything coming or any...
Do a perception check.
23.
Extremely quiet.
Almost magically quiet.
Almost magically quiet. Almost magically quiet?
Huh.
It's also a cave.
Stone walls.
No sounds coming from outside.
52 degrees.
Nothing coming from the other door.
Somebody's got to open this desk.
I forgot to mention,
isn't there other stuff in Stephen's office?
Cool stuff?
Yes.
There is a small safe
in the corner. And some
sharper image like dartboards.
And as you all walk in the
office and contemplate how to proceed, we're
going to go ahead and pause this first
bonus episode. Hey, Sam.
Hi. What do you think
happened on our first bonus episode
of January? I'd be happy to tell you.
Thank God. We're robbing a goblin bank. Anytime someone propositions us, it's always happened on our first bonus episode of January? I'd be happy to tell you.
Thank God.
We're robbing a goblin bank.
Anytime someone propositions us, it's always awesome.
Grima's being just such a brute.
We're stocking up on potions and dwarves.
This should go smooth. We're so good at being
discreet. We're drawing straws,
which is exciting. I haven't been this excited since
we picked a new flag.
We put one guard to sleep gently,
a delicate touch for us.
And Bodie choked someone out,
a more familiar touch for us.
Yay.
Thanks,
Sam.
And thank you,
Kevin.
Yeah.
Thanks for coming.
Yeah.
You'll be in our next episode.
How can people find out about your stuff?
Should they follow you on Instagram,
Twitter?
Do you prefer Instagram?
I like them both for different reasons.
I love them both the same.
How many S's are in your name?
That's a trick question.
There are three in total.
One N.
How many Q's?
Are we talking first and last?
No.
Then one.
I feel like we'll make this easy for folks and this has gotten both
fun and confusing for me so on that note thanks so much everybody thanks for listening
hey everybody i'm brian posain and you're listening to brian posain's nerd poker uh it's
our second uh bonus episode for jan January. My friends are here.
Hello.
Hello, Brian.
Chris.
Hi.
Sarah.
Hey.
Dan.
Hey.
Blaine.
Hey.
We're down 10 again, but at the end of the table, as always, Sam.
Hi, everyone.
Hello, Sam.
And our bonus guest this week or this month for
two episodes
here he is again Kevin Sussman
thanks Kevin
hello
thanks for joining us man
thank you for having me
alright enough let's get into the math questions
I like the way you worded that
Brian are there any listeners
this is mostly a vanity project Enough. Let's get into the math questions. I like the way you worded that, Brian. Are there any listeners?
No, this is mostly a vanity project.
Please thank the few people that enjoy us. I will think this will be the final round of folks,
and we're going to start back up soon
with everybody at this tier on Patreon.
Thank you very much to the people who support us on Patreon,
like Hosein Clown Posse.
Thank you.
Thank you, Gwilym.
Thank you, Gwilym.
Thank you, Quasidano.
Thanks, Quasidano.
Thank you, Please Play Betrayal at Baldur's Gate.
Request.
That's an idea.
Sure is.
Thank you, Dr. Uwud's mossy grundle.
Thank Dr. Uwud's character in the main campaign, Kevin.
You know what a mossy grundle is, I hope.
Thank you, Sean.
I hope you don't.
Thank you, Sean Dixon.
Thank you, Stretch Armstrong's savaged scrote.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, Daniel Domingo.
It's full of that red stuff.
Thank you, Bixie Tinker Tonk.
Thank you, Ted Glinka, a.k.a. Ted Triss.
Thank you, Lawrence Medina.
Thank you, Arc Blast.
Thank you, Paquito Torpedo.
Thank you, Ziggy Keelmeister.
Thank you, Salacious Grimlock.
Thank you, Big Angry.
Thank you, Dorian.
You're coming so fast, I can't even...
Well, you're fucking all right slow down you
move too fast i'm trying to make this moment last thank you dorian ericose thank you katie campbell
thank you elisa nerd with a umlaut over the end thank you aeroland thank you rando card card oh Rando Card... Oh, boy. Thank you, Rando Cardrician.
Thank you, Slarg.
Thank you, Justin Fels.
And thank you, Stéphane Vienno.
Thanks, you guys.
I just got to get to everybody.
That's the only reason I'm Russian,
not because I don't love you.
All right, you guys.
We are mid-heist.
You guys have done an impressive job
of not murdering anybody so far.
Yeah.
For us, it's pretty impressive.
Let me get these sleeves up.
We'll post some photos of what the bank looks like for Patreons,
and hopefully you'll enjoy the layout a little bit that way.
You'll kind of be able to look at it.
We'll take a photo of the map, too.
That'll probably be the most vanilla way to process the information.
But there's a couple of offices.
You went in one and dropped a bunch of bodies.
There's still one you haven't opened yet.
You're kind of using right now as a staging ground
the main lobby and Stephen's office.
Stephen the Dwarf, named, of course.
Stephen Dwarf.
By our guest, a minotaur who used to work at the bank
but was laid off.
Kevnard the Minotaur.
Pardon me while I blaze through the
exposition. Ever since Stephen
Dorff stopped smoking, he's
You know what he's great on?
Golf.
Maybe we need to turn the heat on Stephen
to get these doors open. Right now he
is locked up. He's in a hold person.
I've tied
him, I'm assuming, to a chair.
Yeah, so
he can talk when he's
being held? I just spilled all over myself.
Oh no. I can also
release the spill. A minute has
gone by. So he is no longer held
person. I'm going to need Bodhi to do a
survival check
for him.
This is to tie the rope.
17.
Pretty good rope around him, but he's tough.
He's a stout dwarf.
He feels like he's going to break out of these ropes eventually if given the opportunity.
So I will probably behind the scenes be rolling dice in order to give him chances to do so he's already wriggling right
away you're going to ask him if he can unlock that door that uh glubbins was telling me the
scroll you're gonna ask about the scroll what what exactly is the question you're asking him
who's even open this door we're gonna kill this minotaur
so you're grabbing at this point Kevnard
and making him the hostage as was the plan.
I got to like scramble up onto his back
to put a knife to his throat.
Bodhi, at this point, the invisibility wears off.
Okay.
You're visible.
I believe that does still leave you with a potion though
that you haven't used.
Yes.
You grab him.
You said?
Yeah.
And-
The Minotaur
yeah
okay
me
yeah
yes you
on my back
I'm in an agreement
to do a deception check
okay
and I'll let you roll with advantage
because you've got
a crew
this is what we trained for
16
he
he's like I don't think you're really gonna 16.
He's like,
I don't think you're really gonna hurt him,
but I mean, also, he doesn't work here anymore.
You want his blood on your hands?
Jesus, Stephen.
This slouch.
He did nothing but trick us.
Yeah, go ahead.
But do I deserve to die?
Also, you're hurting my back.
I nick him lately with the... I'll let you roll deception with advantage again.
And then roll a six-sided.
Don't roll a 20.
This is deception.
15.
All right, and then roll a six-sided.
Sorry. Six. All right, so then roll six-sided. Sorry.
Six.
All right, so you take six points of damage.
What?
Kevnard, please mark that on your points.
This has gotten out of control.
Wait a minute.
First of all, get off my back.
No, I can't do that.
You gotta listen to...
I'm taking you hostage.
Shut your mouth, cow man.
Right?
We got to.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're getting tired of your bull talk.
Right?
It's a little easier because you caused a wound to appear on Kevnard.
Yeah.
And at this point he kind of blinks and he says, all right, take me to the door.
Yeah, I'll take you to the door.
So you haul Steven.
Well, I guess I don't because I'm on Kevnard,
who apparently is already abandoning our plan.
I do.
I didn't know that there'd be blood involved,
especially mine.
This is not.
Too bad you only have 77 hit points.
Just think of your Christmas bonus, Kevnard.
Yeah, we're here for you.
Okay.
So you drag him to the door.
He says, untie me.
No.
You need to untie me to get this door open.
We know what happens, right?
I put a bandaid on him and pat him so he feels better.
All right, do a medicine check.
Me? No, Grima. Just stealthily grima she's just stealthily though yeah still 20 boom you feel so much better she manages to rub some herbs on that little
bandage and you hear the whisper uh all right just you know with a 20 roll another 1d6
roll another one d6 that was
very like sad
yelp you did there
she does with the herbs manage to heal
you for one of those hit points
that were taken off but it's I mean
it's basic herbs it doesn't really do a lot
Brian you're itching to say something I'm gonna fire up
Harold of Kalmar okay
and then I'm gonna well I'm gonna
take this guy yeah Steven I'm going to... Well, I'm going to take this guy...
This is a flaming sword.
Yeah, it's Steven.
I'm going to intimidate him so we can free him so he can open his hands, but I'm going
to put Kelmar in front of him.
So you do free him.
Like I will stab his face with a fire sword.
But you do untie him.
Yes.
Wait, you're stabbing his face with a fire sword?
No, I'm warning him that if he fucks up, he's going to...
Intimidation with advantage as you untie him.
All right.
And hold the Herald of Kelmar, the flaming sword, up to his neck.
Do you want to do a practice run with the flaming sword?
No.
Do that.
I'm used to it.
You really love rehearsal time, huh?
I just don't want anything to go wrong.
Got to know where the road is before you go off-road.
That's a good class.
20.
So I'll take that one.
Great.
And so he gulps.
He nods very slowly, reaches into a pouch on his belt.
He takes out a handful of ash, rubs it on his hand.
He draws a symbol on the door.
And you hear a click on the door.
Cool.
So go forward with him and whoever's with us.
But everybody's tied up in that room, right?
Is there a key to that door?
The second door?
No, the key to this. Can we lock these people, those bodies in that?
Do a perception check.
20.
Yeah, you see a ring of keys on Stephen's belt.
I'll take the ring of keys off of him.
Is there anything else in his office we need?
There's that safe that we discussed.
Oh yeah, there's a safe in his office.
Tell him to open the safe.
Or is he already gone?
He's at the door.
Stephen, right now you've got...
Here, I'm sorry.
You've got Stephen right here.
Is it a combination safe?
No, it is a magic safe.
So
we should keep going, right?
Yeah, right now we'll keep going. Maybe we'll head it on the way out
if there's time. So you're all going to escort him
down the hallway to the next door? Can I lock that door?
Lock Stephen's office?
Who's being left in there?
Everybody but Stephen? The unconscious guards
and goblins. Yes.
Should we take him back and goblins. Yes.
Okay, body pile in. Should we take them back and go do this before we go?
It feels...
I think we want to get to the vault, right?
Okay, cool.
Right now, you're not sure how to get to the next door.
And this is farther than you've ever been in the bank.
You were never allowed in the vault itself.
What?
I was passed up over for a promotion.
I would know this.
Some inside man.
You've seen this door open many times,
but you've never seen what's beyond the second door.
You've only got this map from basic HR kind of meetings.
All right, so we can go.
What's in the second door?
What's in the hallway?
Oh, I'm going to go back to the the front door and i'm going to close it
and i'm going to flip the sign over that says close okay why are you doing the doorway oh
yeah brian what are you doing i was getting i thought we're brian's redoing the map
what do you think we were doing i thought we were going through that second door
well you you're approaching it but but in Dungeons & Dragons,
usually a door has a matter of difficulty attached to it.
It's not something you can simply reach over.
You're a very silly person.
You walk up to it, and there's a magically floating candle
on either side of it that appears to have a glowing red light
coming off of each of them.
It is lighting this passage, which is smooth white marble.
The door has no hinges or knobs on it.
There is simply a panel-sized white marble door
between two floating red candles.
Okay.
Sounds delicious.
Stephen says, I need the other manager to open this one.
How do you know where is the other manager?
He's in his office.
Where?
It's over here.
It's across from Steven's office.
And what is that manager's name, Kevin?
Steven and who's the other manager?
Ethel.
Ethel?
Okay, I'll do it.
You'll go knock on Ethel's door?
Yeah.
Okay.
Hello? Ethel's door yeah hello Ethel
yeah hey
can we see you in the back for a second
who's this
it's me
I'm from the main office
we need to see everybody
do a deception check blacky green
let me see 18 black and green.
18.
Alright, so the door opens.
There is a strange demon-like figure with a metal
mask, almost a strange
child-like mask, and
she's very imposing.
It's Ethel. And she's imposing
how? Size-wise?
She's a little bigger than a dwarf,
but she looks like she's maybe from another plane of existence,
and she's got a hallbird attached to her back.
Okay.
I'm just going to...
Long, flowing cape.
I'm just going to go,
come on, we've got to move it.
Everybody back here.
No time to lose.
Okay.
You take her, and she realizes there is a heist very quickly there's no way around it deception wise unless you want to make
a pitch for what's happening and roll with disadvantage i need to say blacky green she
starts looking around and she looks at you and narrows her eyes as you get to the first door
steven needs your steven needs your key needs Needs it right now. I cast blindness on her.
Okay.
Tell us how blindness...
But we need her to...
No, he casts blindness on her.
It only lasts for a minute.
Relax.
You relax.
This is the middle of a high-tension heist.
My nerves are shot.
She has to make a constitution saving throw.
She has to beat a 17.
I'll tell you who needs to make a constitution saving throw. She has to beat a 17. I'll tell you who needs to make a constitution saving throw.
It's the House of Representatives.
I think we've had enough of their shenanigans.
She botches.
Great.
That worked better last week.
Ethel comes up before World War III started.
She shrieks as she goes blind.
We should grab her.
Graham, you want to help me grab her?
I mean, you got, this is your idea.
Steven looks over and had very wide eyed
at the shrieking blinded Ethel.
I say, Ethel, Ethel, we're doing a security check.
You're failing.
I'm marking you down already in three categories.
I'm blind.
Relax.
This is part of it.
Dear God.
This is part of it.
Oh no.
It's okay, we'll give you a bath
and some tomato juice.
Persuasion check
with disadvantage green.
Oh, wait.
That's a skunk blast.
With disadvantage?
To get her to calm down.
Yeah.
As I'm saying this
around, I'm saying,
this is part of the security check.
We need to see that you can
still open the door
while you're blinded.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, it doesn't matter
if I roll again because it was very low yeah
uh it was a five she pauses and thinks about what you said i mean it made a lot of sense
screaming somebody else repeat what i said because it was a little bit sense she drops to
her knees and starts feeling for that hallbird on her back don't worry ethel this is an eye bank i
take the hallbird away from her uh do a strength check and she's going to contest it
is this how you saw it going Verdon
15
she rolls
a 21
so I win
so she gets it
just like rips it out of your hands and holds it
in position
I'm just trying to subdue her. I don't
have any other good things.
Verdon.
I feel like this is escalating. What's your AC,
Verdon?
15. So she swings and misses.
Cool.
Ethel, we have Kevnard.
Ethel.
Ethel, it's Kevnard.
Kevnard. Kevnard the accountable
I remember you
I'm so sorry
Thank you Ethel
Please calm down we'll survive this
These people
Have assured me that no one will be hurt
As long as we just
Do what they say
How do I draw the cliff when they've blinded me
For what seems like no reason whatsoever?
Now you know we mean
business, woman.
Ethel, listen to me.
We'll get through this.
Your vision comes back in
ten, nine...
We should take the halberd away from her first.
How long does blindness last? Just a minute.
It fades away and she starts blinking.
You want to rip the halberd?
Yes.
Do another strength check.
I'm not going to do Ben before.
Oh, it's the same thing.
15.
She rolled an 18.
God damn it.
Get to that door, Ethel.
And she swings it at you with a 15.
That's a hit.
Okay.
You take
14 points of slashing damage
as it rakes across your chest.
Ethel!
He's trying to rob us!
Ethel, they assured me
that nobody would be hurt.
Please, put down your
halberd.
Halberd? Do a persuasion check.
Me? Yes.
And you know that you roll with advantage because
you and Ethel have...
One more time.
One more time.
I rolled a one. Yeah, but with all that
build up, I feel like, storytelling-wise, I owe you
a second roll. An 18. Plus what?
Oh. Plus four. Jeezez she breathes deep oh my god i'm remembering the guided meditation i'm starting to calm down
set my emotions aside she uh she also drinks drink water every time oh my god halt right
hydrate just stay hydrated anger Anger? Loneliness?
Meditate and hydrate, and in a week, you won't even recognize yourself.
She breathes, and with Steven, they both draw in ash glyphs on the door,
and the white marble door pops open.
Okay, bop them.
Conk.
Conk.
Do two strength rolls, please.
Okay, now we're going to decapitate them and peel them.
And eat them like grapes, right, Kevnard?
You want no botches, no crits.
No botches, no crits.
All right.
No botches, no crits.
No botches, no crits?
Yeah, what'd you get?
I got both.
What?
A botch and a crit?
A botch and a crit.
Oh, my God. Which should you get first? I rolled a one out of 20. I don't like to say
one of the twenty I rolled a one first
one first?
wait a minute
first you punch
Steven on the head and he just kind of blinks
and looks at you like what the fuck
but you over
you swing too hard so you just kind of like nick him on the side of the head and you're like what's he like
what the fuck are you trying to do uh
and then to kind of make up for it
uh you're you're only just realizing you've
only barely next to you so you don't pay attention
and you just drive the
butt of your the
hilt of your sword right into ethel's
skull
um
it happens he was the nicest person we met so far.
Wait a minute. You mean that blind
woman? Wait a minute.
Is Ethel going to be okay?
She goes unconscious
and takes...
We should find out what's under that mask.
She goes
limp as she hits the ground.
I pour a healing potion. Save the ground. I pour a healing potion.
Save the potion.
I can spare the dying.
I can bring her to zero.
But she's toast.
I mean, yeah, she's out.
She's just sleeping.
No, I killed her.
No, no, no.
He can spare the dying.
Yeah, but technically I killed her.
Technically, yes, you did kill her.
I spit Steven like wheels around at you.
It's like,
do another roll.
That one's alright.
That's a 12 plus a 7.
Kind of
plops on the side.
These guys are both out. The door lies
ahead of you while those two are
unconscious on the ground.
In order to surprise who's over there.
A lot of blood in a pool.
Wait a minute.
Ethel is bleeding out.
She needs to be tended to.
She has been tended to.
She is.
He did cast one of his priest spells on her.
I have a spell that I can cast that brings her to basically unconscious, but okay.
Oh, okay.
I mean, I'm not happy about it, but I'll deal with it.
I mean, I'm in too about it, but I'll deal with it. I mean, I'm in too far.
She likes bleeding out.
I mean, she and her husband only bleed out once a month.
All right.
What are you guys going to do next?
You have to make a plan to bleed out together.
I know.
It's like if the kids are in town.
We're going into the room, right?
Would this be a good time to do some more invisibility
to get the drop on whoever's next?
How many invisibility?
We have one more potion and he can make himself.
I can just go back to high school.
There was some violent noises after the door opened.
Okay, I think we should just probably just pile in.
All right, let's hit it.
Okay.
You all pile through the door and notice there's nobody here.
There's supposed to be three guards here, according to the map.
How high is the ceiling?
It is 15 feet.
Could fly, but I was hoping to make a dramatic spiral to like a...
You could cling to the ceiling.
I don't want to.
Like a vampire.
I don't feel like it.
Show me the running order as don't want to. Like a vampire. I don't feel like it. Show me the running order
as you come through here.
Okay.
And I assume
go around the corner
to this door?
Well, you're...
It's your heist.
Yeah.
So you should be...
I just want my Christmas bonus.
Okay, him first.
I'm gonna say you're...
You make it all the way around here.
Okay, I'm gonna be behind him
because I was
like pretending to...
I'm not sure I should be going first.
Well, I have pretending to hot.
You're not going first, but I just had you at knife point in front of me.
Okay.
Like that.
Cool.
So I'm gonna scoot y'all.
Maybe we shouldn't all be clustered up in case some, someone comes like
charging towards us and back here.
I'll stay.
I'll see my specialty is running away or maybe on, wait, go all the way around yes yes we'd probably flank i think yeah
okay so you two got him uh are you trying to be sneaky what are you doing exactly i i would like
to be sneaky everybody who wants to be sneaky please roll there's nobody in here though
now that you can see i got a six okay so pretty great 12 i'm not trying to be sneaky okay uh
i drop an entire box of golden grams that's super loud but you do you do feel like you weren't you
especially quiet as you two took up the flanking positions back still nobody visible this door
uh well now we don't know anything about this door because we just bopped everybody.
Correct.
Kavnard, here's what you know about this door.
Do an insight check.
This will determine how much you know
from gossip around the office.
Right.
I only have a negative one for insight.
You need to beat a 15.
Me too.
High five.
Try to beat a 15 with Me too. High five. Try to be a 15 with that penalty.
Here we go.
I have a good feeling about this.
My feeling was wrong.
13.
You vaguely remember that it's a non-magical situation.
Wait, guys.
I'm remembering something. I vaguely remember it's a non-magical situation. Wait, guys. I'm remembering something.
I vaguely remember
it's a non-magical situation.
I kick open the door.
Do a strength check.
Nope.
14.
Alright, well the door explodes
in wooden splinters. I'm not going to
need you to do a dexterity saving throw
for what happens next.
Do acrobatics have anything to do with it?
That would be great if they did.
It's a saving throw because you're
trying to keep something horrible from happening
to you. I got that part.
Thank you.
You said with
advantage? I sure did.
That could be a part of your character.
I don't know. Some characters have an automatic...
No, 11 is my...
Fun.
So a portcullis-like series of metal spikes drop down from the top of the doorway on you
as you smash open the door.
Oh my God, are you okay?
Oh wait, was that a saving throw?
Yeah. Okay, I forgot a saving throw? Yeah.
I forgot about my brutish durability that when I make a saving throw I get to roll a 1d6
and add the die to my saving throw total.
Hell yeah! So let's add 5
to that. So what was your original?
8? 11?
8 or 11. So 16?
You get to halve the damage that's about to happen to you.
She sure does.
All right.
Do we have dead air?
Yeah.
Oh, this is dead air brought to you by
Tesla discount electric
cars. Come on down and get yourself
a Tesla. I make them in the back.
You get to have
64 points of piercing damage
as these steel spikes smash down into the ground.
That's as much piercing damage
as an entire Dashboard Confessional show.
Jeez.
But the doorway is now filled with iron bars
that go from top to bottom.
Damn it.
Wooden splinters on the ground where the door used
to be. I am so sorry
that happened to you. Thank you. I did not
think that was the reaction you were going to have.
I appreciate it.
Kevdar and Grima
are making up, everybody.
Okay, so now there's spikes
here. But Blackie Green
can go on the other side, can't he?
Become a gas.
It is true.
Peanut butter sandwiches and I chant Yoshinoya until I turn into a gas.
All right.
So you slink down as a fog of mist.
As soon as you get to the bottom of these stairs,
you immediately undo from being
a gaseous form do an arcana check for me pocket green oh 20 there appears to be a anti-magic field
25 so yeah there's no you don't think anyone's gonna be able to cast any spells in the vault itself. But you get down into a small 20 by 20 foot room where you're like, oh, I can pick things up, but I can't teleport them out of here.
Push the button marked open.
I'm going to look around carefully and see what's going on.
Do an investigation check, please.
17. uh what's uh 17
you don't find a button
but you do find a sort of
false panel
like above the doorway
at the bottom of the stairs
it feels like if you open it up there might be something
I'm gonna do a
check for traps
that's what that kind of was
you found basically what you're gonna find then I'm just gonna do a check for traps That's what that kind of was You found basically what you're going to find
Then I'm just going to start flipping around for switches
You pull this
fake stone front off
the beginning of this door
Wait, what's happening?
Sam, I just want to let you know
whenever you tweak the knob I will always
freak the fuck out from my short attention span
Are you skittish?
Huh?
We're good I will always freak the fuck out from my short attention span. Are you skittish? Huh? What? What?
Huh?
We're good.
Huh?
What?
I just tweaked the knob open for running jewels.
What about sweet heat skittish?
I've never tried them, I'm afraid.
There are three small buttons behind this false panel above the doorway on the inside
of the vault.
Okay.
It's probably...
All three of them are black.
They're like little black buttons.
Does it look like I have to
press them in some sort of sequence?
Wow, what a strange broad
question. Why don't you do an insight check for me?
14. You're not sure three buttons you think they all might do something different or be a sequence
uh i'm going to
i'm gonna call up to these guys okay hey uh anti-magic field down here oh is there a way to open the door
open these bars uh there's three buttons down here i'm gonna try to press some of these buttons so
brace yourself because i might gas everybody or or like open a big vat of worms or centipedes or
should we maybe just quickly try to wake uh one of the people up and
ask there are two bank managers passed out right there yeah wasn't there a big commotion we heard
from coming from that room and we've seen no one that the commotion was us the question was
i think there were supposed to be three people so so they're somewhere. Yes, there's three missing guards.
Okay, let's wake Steven.
All right.
Bodhi, you're going to walk around over here?
Sure.
You come over here, and they're gone.
Ooh.
Okay, close that door.
It is a flat marble stone door with no hinges.
It's kind of like open right now.
What do you want to do?
Kick it.
Do a strength check.
You broke your toe.
Trying to kick it shut is what you're trying to do?
What was the strength check?
Wait, can we get it open though if it doesn't have a handle?
It's already open.
That's the thing.
He's trying to shut it.
If he kicks it shut, can we get it open?
He's already doing it first. What'd you roll? Seven, so I probably didn't get it open though if it doesn't have it's already open that's the thing he's trying to shut it shut can we get it open he's already doing it first would you roll uh seven so i probably
didn't get it no i mean you you actually hit it with your leg it doesn't move it doesn't budge
an inch okay so you're just kind of like thud and it's like magically can i squeeze through
since i'm a halfling can i squeeze through the bars do a dexterity check yep
uh 20 you manage just barely like it hurts like you take
one point of damage as you just kind of like crunch your ribs i only had one point did you
really no that would have been hilarious yeah but like it bruises your rib a little bit as you
squish through the bars you get down there for a limited time. Can I check out these buttons
and see if anything speaks to me?
Yeah, I mean, you'd need Blackie Green
who just, his player walked out of the room.
Is there anything else in the room that I see?
To like lift you up
or you'd have to fly up to the buttons.
Yeah, is there anything else in the room?
There's a ton of stuff in the room.
I mean, he was looking for traps and buttons and such.
There are four chests on each and one corner
of this 20 by 20 room there is a big shelf
what looks like little drawers that kevnar you would know these are all full of money
um there's also all sorts of like property deeds in here there is nothing happens uh you're she's she's down there with you now okay black maybe
we need to press them at the same oh i guess you can press them even as one person i don't know
like you're the smart guy why don't you tell us what to do uh is there doesn't appear to be any
sort of like wear pattern to them like like are these used buttons are they new are they
no they're it's it's really hard to tell
i mean it looks like when you pulled it off you just scattered some dust over them if there wasn't
already some i'm gonna i'm just gonna press one what do you think just press well i mean right
let's take a moment here you're up at the top of the stairs behind bars i but i'm can you guys hear
me yeah what's going on you have an idea about what buttons to push well i mean we just came here for some cash i just want my
christmas money like just like there's money in those drawers there are some chests you know uh
we don't need to take the whole chest i mean let's what's fair is fair just like open those chests
take some gems we could we could stick that through the holes in the bars.
We don't have to mess with these buttons.
Who here thinks that
pressing those buttons is going to lead to something
good?
He has a fair point.
While they're talking, Bodhi, you just start to see this
door shut.
Do we?
Hang on.
A very important thing is happening.
Brian, what do you want to do?
I'm going to...
Shit.
Hold that thought plane.
Is there anything I see?
You don't see a person,
but it seems steadily shutting itself.
I'm going to be steadily shutting myself in a minute.
You could use something from your inventory,
but there's no door stops laying around.
There's no giant logs.
There's no whatever you're trying to tell me.
I'm going to ram a couple of like...
God, he doesn't really...
Shit.
Javelins.
I have four javelins.
Okay, you're going to try and just jam your javelins in there?
Yeah.
Do a dexterity check.
20.
So you get one javelin in there,
and it just makes a whining noise
as the door seems to be just grinding against it,
like the javelin's only going to hold for a couple of seconds.
That means you got the javelin in there.
It doesn't make the javelin extra strong
if you're extra dexterous. Sorry.
Alright.
So what else?
You have about
30 seconds for another idea, you think,
before this javelin snaps in half.
Bodhi, what's going on? I need to ram
something in here.
You two see Bodhi
do this.
You see it. I see it. I'm down there. Can I run back? Yeah, I guess I'll run back something in here. Yeah, I mean, you two see Bodhi do this. You see it.
I see it.
I'm down by there.
Can I run back?
Yeah, I guess I'll run back to Bodhi.
What's going on?
Ah!
You've got maybe 10 seconds.
I'll start pulling on the door.
Do a strength check.
15.
No, you can't get it to budge.
It feels like it's magically shutting,
and there's only enough room for fingers.
I mean, you get them in there.
Careful. Fuck.
Watch your fingers. Are you keeping your hands in there
trying to yank? No, I mean, I'm not going to lose
my fingers. Okay. Is this
do I feel, is there like, is this
magical or is this a person? Insight check.
Oh, bad. It's going to be
like a... Well, you know, you're with everybody.
You're with Bodhi and Blackie, so go ahead and roll with advantage. I'm down a Oh, that's It's going to be like a... You know, you're with everybody. You're with Bodhi and Blackie,
so go ahead and roll with advantage.
I'm down a...
Oh, that's right.
You're with...
I'm with Bodhi.
Yeah, sorry.
So, no?
I'm sorry I dropped Blackie.
I'm going to try to yank on the door with my...
What did you roll?
16.
You feel like it's magical
and that somebody flipped a switch
somewhere up in one of those offices.
Got it.
Okay.
You're going to try with your hands or a weapon?
Hands.
Just yank it with my gauntlets of ogre power.
Okay.
Help him so we can roll.
I'm always wearing the gauntlets of ogre power.
I'm also quite strong.
Huh?
You want to run over and help?
I am a minotaur.
Okay.
You can roll this with advantage, Brian.
Okay.
19.
Uh-huh. Okay, you can roll this with advantage, Brian. Okay, 19.
19's my big one.
Okay, you feel like you're holding it in place,
but you're not stopping it from shutting. Everything okay up there, guys?
The door is magically shutting.
You got it kind of like with your bracing strength,
just like got it stuck at one inch open
with your javelin about to snap in half.
You're not sure how much longer you can keep it gone. Minotaur,
get your hands in there. Pull!
Do you have a diamond or anything? Something
hard. Put it in there.
Yeah.
Ugh. That was the worst
that's what she said ever.
I apologize.
I wasn't
going for that. Can the Minotaur
pull? Well, I did. They're together trying to get it,
but I mean, they're fighting a magic ceiling.
I feel like keep your hands out of there, guys.
Put stuff in there.
I know, it'd be really fun
if they lose the next strength check, I think.
Nobody has anything like this?
Diamonds?
Kevin, Art, and Bodhi,
you definitely feel like your fingers are in a pricking.
What about my horns?
I have horns.
You sure do.
You want to jam your horns in the doorway?
I mean.
You can do it right now without even having to roll.
God, that could be bad.
I have a fist-sized ruby.
Is that strong enough?
I feel like it won't.
You can get your horns in there.
You can have 20 fists.
Okay, I'm going to do it.
Okay, so Kevnard just kind of cracked.
It's okay.
I have no nerve endings in my hands.
You feel this just immense headache as pressure goes through the nerve endings
at the base of your horns into your brain,
but it's holding it steadier than hands could for sure.
Yet somehow I have an immense headache.
Oh, no.
It feels steady, Bodhi.
It feels like you could walk away,
and he's going to be able to hold it for a few minutes at least.
Okay.
Should we get these bars open?
Yeah. So you guys are going to come
back around the bars? I'm going to need a giant Advil.
You're here in front of the bars now, right?
Okay. Push a button.
I'm going to push
the button on the left.
Okay.
Dan
just started laughing
and he's still laughing.
He's not speaking.
He looks upset, but happy.
I think he's praying.
He sort of looks like he can't believe this happened, and he's thrilled.
Kevnar, do a perception check.
What?
A perception check.
I think we all know how this is going to go down.
Uh-huh.
15 plus 3 nice you hear this like stone noise as a panel
grinds open in the stone ceiling 15 feet above you and magma just starts pouring down on you
i'm gonna have you roll a dexterity check oh my god this has gone way out of control i just wanted
a dexterity check with disadvantage christmas, this has gone way out of control. I just wanted to A dexterity check with disadvantage.
Christmas bonus. Get him out of there.
This is not worth. Roll a dexterity check with disadvantage.
Or saving throw, I'm sorry.
Magma. Oh no.
Sarah, can you help him with numbers if he needs to
dex saving throw? I've worked here for years.
I didn't know there was magma.
I've never been here before. I didn't know there was magma.
Roll that twice and take the low number, buddy.
Oh no. Oh, that's good. take the low number, buddy. What? Oh, no.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
19.
One more time.
And a 7.
Okay, but you have a plus 4 to dex, so.
It's an 11.
All right.
You are not going to have this.
Oh, no.
Oh, wait.
He has advantage on dex against effects that he can see while not blinded or deafened.
Oh, so that will cancel out disadvantage.
He gets to take the, you can take the first roll.
What was the first roll?
19 plus four.
You do manage to have this then.
Oh, good.
The magma is dumping directly on you
and you're pinned in place.
However.
But only half of the magma.
What a feeling.
I'm going to allow two things.
First of all, you're going to have.
Plus the headache.
You're going to be able to have this damage
as you kind of like flatten your body against the wall.
Yeah.
But because you beat the requirement on this,
I'm going to also let you choose.
You can pop your head out and run away from the magma pouring down on you as this happens.
Why wouldn't I choose that?
To keep the door open.
Oh, right, right.
No, I'm going to run.
Okay, so you slide out and it's going to be this way.
But you realize as you do this, the magma is going to run. Yeah. Okay. Slide out. And it's going to be this way. But you realize as you do this,
the magma is going to keep filling this chain.
Like it's coming down at a pretty fast rate.
Also, you took 44 points of fire damage.
Oh, Jesus.
And you get to have it actually.
So that's 22 points.
Does that button do anything, guys?
At this point, you do hear Kevnard reacting.
Screaming.
Does that open anything?
Kevnard, what noise would you make if you barely escaped magma dumping down on you?
I just want the quiet wheezing.
Can you give that to us?
Huh?
How's it sound?
Did somebody order Jack in the Box?
I feel like I smell like a, right?
Like a sandwich?
Yeah, some sort of like that garlic butter that they put on everything.
I'm assuming you're going to come all the way
around the corner to these guys, yeah?
Yeah.
Magma is now pouring down.
Uh-oh.
Are you doing a thing with the magma
where you wipe your eyes?
Do you have like detect,
don't you have like detect magic or anything, Blackie?
I don't have detect magic.
Okay, I'm going to search the room
for anything that can help us,
like traps or buttons or-
Do an investigation check.
Okay.
Seven. Search the room for anything that can help us, like traps or buttons. Do an investigation check. Okay.
Seven.
Can't find anything else except there are these four chests and a series of drawers in the wall.
Do you want me to push another button, guys?
Do it.
I'm not taking it. I don't know.
I'm going to push the other two buttons at the same time.
I move away from the door.
Yeah, so you're going to go over here.
Bodhi, where are you going to go?
The other way, towards Magma Man.
Magma Man, all right.
You said both of the other ones?
At the same time, yeah.
Okay.
So the right one and the center one,
you're going to push at the same time.
Let me check my notes, what this does.
Okay, so first things first.
This floor
pulls away and a pit of spikes reveals
itself with dead bodies
in it.
Also,
you hear a hissing noise.
Is it me
doing my act? Like a good hissing?
I'm going to need a perception
check from Verdon, Bodhi, and Kevinard.
Perception?
Guys, did that help?
Did that do anything?
Did that help?
14.
You're killing us.
None of these buttons are good.
The button combinations you chose are interesting.
I'm enjoying it.
I rolled a five.
You don't really notice anything except this hissing noise.
Bodhi, would you?
Ten.
And Verdon, what'd you get? Fourteen.
Verdon, you see what looks like little puffs of air coming out of small holes in the wall.
That's poison gas. Yeah, yeah.
Thanks for the heads up,
stout grima. I'm gonna
need Bodhi, uh,
Kavanagh, and Verdant to do, uh...
Why don't you go blind somebody? A constitution
saving throw. It didn't work!
I tried! It didn't go well!
Uh, 20-sided die? Uh-huh.
13. I'm starting to think that
these buttons have some sort of, uh,
security... Like they're a negative thing, do you think? Yeah, like they're... You think they might do bad things? Yeah. 13. I'm starting to think that these buttons have some sort of security.
Like they're a negative thing, do you think? Yeah.
You think they might do bad things?
Yeah.
Let's push one more to be sure.
Well, there's three we've already pressed.
Maybe if we press them again, they'll stop.
All of them together?
What am I doing?
Constitution saving throw, please.
That's a good idea.
Ooh.
Seven.
Could be like press in, click.
Do it.
All three of you take 12 points of poison damage
as you begin to gag we're pushing all three buttons again at the same time yes okay uh
double the magma everything goes magically dark hello are you still there you see
uh
nothing it's impossible for
any it's it's it's it's like a
impenetrable blackness that
that nothing is cutting through
um
I'm gonna need another constitution saving
throw from our three heroes up top
I'm gonna get
low to the ground yeah
I'm honored to be low to the ground. Yeah.
I'm honored to be in the group.
Oh, no.
11.
Okay.
Why don't we try pushing the two on the outside?
Blackie's going to do that next.
22.
All right.
So, Verden and Kevnard,
you take an additional 16 points of poison damage.
We have to go.
Bodhi, you manage to hold your breath, and you only take eight points of poison damage.
But you feel like it's getting really hot in here.
Almost as if magma is flowing towards you down the hallway.
Should we take off all our clothes?
But they didn't notice anything stopping, or there's no... No.
Did I mention the magma um oh yeah can we pry these bars open so they can get downstairs into the vault so you're gonna walk up the stairs and uh just try to use strength to yeah okay so you
guys come back up uh with advantage grima because i mean blacky wanted to push the two outer buttons
i don't know if he still wants to do that blacky or do you want to help her with the bars I'll let her roll
with advantage if you help her or you can stay behind and push can we help with the bars I mean
I'm in excruciating there's an open pit full of spikes in front of it now of course things are
getting crazy yeah what you gonna do with her behind? I'm going to go and try to get the bars open with her.
Okay.
Roll with the advantage.
Strength check, please.
Oh, him or me?
You.
You're tougher.
Someone gets to roll the advantage.
18.
You feel like you just barely get it open enough where you wouldn't take damage if you squeeze through.
And maybe Verdant Fel could fit through, but not Bodhi or Kevnard.
Okay. What about your flying thing yeah i mean but that i was hoping that we could be able to you guys be able to jump down here at
least and we could maybe close the door so that it get away from the poison but
you hear a scream coming from somewhere from where you're not sure it's probably me
not from downstairs somewhere maybe down this hallway
downstairs no down the hallway there were invisible guards hiding but they are now getting
burned by magma oh okay push those other two buttons and see what happens okay which two
there's three buttons and you pushed all of them in some way uh we pushed we pushed uh the left one
we pushed the other two that was you then we pushed all three at the same time, and everything got blindy.
Why don't you go one, two, three?
He was going to do the two outer ones.
This is about to be my favorite episode of Nerd Poker.
I don't feel like this is going to do anything, but what else can we do, really?
What are you going to push?
I'm casting Cure Wounds on myself.
I'm going to...
Yeah, do what your first instinct was.
That's what they say about taking the SATs.
You push the two on the outside?
Yeah.
The lights come back on, and the bars go up.
Oh, thank God.
You notice there is about six feet of magma
about this far, and it's all the way up to
the ceiling about here and it's continuing to flow on either side are the are the spikes
still there down here yeah yes can they jump from the corner here now that the bars are
gone yes okay come on guys let's go you guys gonna try to yeah absolutely so you all get down in the vault okay here comes the mag now we who want you guys should look around investigate and see if there's
another exit out of here and then uh what what is the ceiling like again it's 20 by 20 foot room so
it's really high ceilings very very high wall full of these drawers.
Let's search.
You start pulling these drawers open.
There's a lot of deeds to cave dwellings.
There's a few maps.
After just a couple of minutes, it starts to get really hot, and you think you see magma coming up.
You can close the door.
At the bottom of the stairs, there's a door. Yeah, let's close the door. Wouldn't the magma be falling down the door? Magma coming up. You can close the door. At the bottom of the stairs, there's a door.
Yeah, let's close the door.
Wouldn't the magma be falling down the pit?
For a while.
But you think you see it kind of just flowing.
I'm going to fly up to the ceiling and see if I can feel anything on the ceiling,
like a trap door or an exit of some kind.
Do an investigation check.
So there's no gold?
There's four chests.
And you haven't even opened them yet you just kind
of looked at them and felt for secrets 18 you feel around and there is a central panel uh you
you kind of pop it open and it looks like there are uh there's like a small vent that like a
halfling or a gnome or a goblin could come down through. It's like a sort of,
uh,
what do you call it?
Like a maintenance duct.
Only those people.
Uh,
can you shrink people?
Uh,
only my kids.
Okay.
Should I guys,
do you want me to try to fly to get out of here and then stop this
so you can escape alive? Why don't you check
out the chests while I'm going? I'll investigate one of the
chests. So you start going up this
maintenance duct.
Do an athletics check, please.
Can we put in a call
to maintenance?
We're having a
magma issue.
Unfortunately, the intercom seems to be damaged by whatever magma is flowing down the hallway 23 great you fly up and just start crawling and you realize
this does in fact kind of like go to a central area uh you can go left right right, or this way. Oh, goddammit.
I mean, what am I going to do?
It's pitch black.
All right, I guess I'm going this way.
Okay.
You go for a little while,
and it feels like there's another panel beneath you eventually.
Okay, I go through it.
You pop it open.
Right about here. Are you going to fall down, or are you just gonna look first I guess
I'll look so you pull this panel up into the tunnel and move it you look down
bank managers the guards
and another guard
all kind of talking to each other
about how soon the reinforcements are going to arrive
okay I
call down to them
and I'm like
5,000 gold for each of you if you get us
all out of here and look the other way
roll a persuasion check
we have that
do I get advantage
because I'm speaking
from a vent
and it makes my voice
like sonorous
and like
all right
just because you have
the element of surprise
they're not expecting this
I rolled a natural 20
on the second one
and I have a plus two
I think it was very generous
it was very generous
so they all just kind of go
what the fuck?
And they look up.
They say,
Steven says,
prove you have that much.
Here's a picture of you at the fire festival.
Can I be like,
yeah, did you hear about that?
Didn't we get it from that weird Sphinx that we defeated? Is that where we got it? So I'm like, yeah, did you hear about that? Didn't we get it from that weird Sphinx that we defeated?
Is that where we got it?
So I'm like, yeah, did you hear about the party that took down the Sphinx?
That was us.
With that persuasion check, they all kind of look at each other.
They go back into Ethel's office.
You guys see lava start flowing.
And then at a certain point it just stops but it's coming
down the stairs and you see it because just instinctively you peek and you just notice
your point of your only other point of escape has started to seal off with with uh uh hardening
lava flow i hope they're pocketing stuff while they're down there it takes a long time they have to magically clear the lava out and bring in wizards um
you're all eventually freed from the vault and allowed to go about your way but uh
you are you now lose uh uh it was gonna be 25 000 gold they took stuff though right right? While they were waiting to be rescued.
I assume you guys were searching through the...
They search your belongings
thoroughly. I'm going to need
everyone to roll a deception check
with advantage if you want
to... or disadvantage.
Disadvantage. Roll your 20-sided
twice and take the low number
for... what do I...
Deception to try to get away with anything
from the fault i wrote. 19 and a 12.
Oof.
You got a 12?
17 and 12.
Your low was a 12.
What was yours?
It's pretty high, actually, right?
Yeah, I should have just given you a low.
Sorry.
I did a 15 and 11.
No, I did 23 and 11.
Yeah, your 15 was your low.
Yeah, you guys don't manage to get anything out of the vault without them going through all your pouches,
all your belongings.
With the $5,000 bribe,
they do let you get off scot-free
and just tell everybody,
oh, there was a mistake.
We accidentally set off some alarms.
Because the 5,000 does cover the amount
they have to pay sorcerers
to clear out all the magma
and undo all the magma and undo
all the damage you guys did.
But that
is our most failed
danger room, everybody.
What do you mean, hold on?
Can't we...
Brian's sending me a note, I think, everybody.
I'm very curious what this note... I think it's just gonna
say, hey, Dan, go fuck yourself.
I mean, I feel like... Was it Phil?
We walked out with a great adventure in our lives.
The Minotaur got really hurt.
I'm going to let you roll
deception one more time for this, Brian.
And I'm going to tell you in advance.
You need to beat an 18.
What's your deception?
It's not high.
One is my... You get a plus one? Yeah. You got to beat an 18 to do this. Can's your deception? It's not high. One is my...
You get a plus one?
You got to beat an 18 to do this.
Can I support him?
I'm going to describe in detail what happens if you fail.
You get to describe what happens if you succeed.
Okay.
Not a chance.
While you're all getting patted down in one of the
offices a bunch of gold falls out of my
asshole you just see
they kind of like you just like
Brian's just like standing really
stiffly the whole time he looks like he has
to pee and just like they
start patting him down they're like you gotta
spread them buddy
and he just
splashing out of his loincloth.
Hey, this guy's paying out!
Just massive amounts.
And it's all platinum, too.
It's all really nice.
It's high levels of currency
just splashing out of his backside.
And that is...
It's Budcoin.
That is our second episode. You guys are
it said I keistered a million gold.
Hey, Sam, what do you think happened
that second? I'd be hold on
a minute. I'd be happy to tell you
on the second episode. Oh,
Kevinard is injured. That sweet bowl baby
boy. There's someone in a metal
mask and a cape. I think. Oh, her name is
Ethel. I hope she joins us oh
we blinded her oh ethel opened the door for us so we murdered her see this is why we don't kick in
magic doors uh looks like we have some buttons to choose i bet how i bet somehow we fight them
uh blaine mentioned pre-haul i forget what that is blaine oh it was the uh the pre-boot of the
comedy series Hee Haw.
Ah, yes.
I feel like when asking us about this mission,
the Minotaur buried the lead,
not mentioning the bank is full of magma.
We're out of the vault,
and I think this mission has somehow cost us money.
It sure did.
It really did.
And although we are poorer in finances,
we are richer in pain.
Ah, you guys. I came real close to killing most of you,
and I think I was pretty generous by not doing it,
considering how you could all just wake up the next morning,
regardless of what happened.
But that was a lot of fun.
I don't get any credit for saving.
You get all the credit because you got that high athletics role
getting all the way through the tunnel before the lava filled the room.
It was very dumb because it is a bonus room.
The money carries over, but our lives also carry over.
So now we've just lost $25,000.
But it made for a better story.
I think so.
I loved what happened.
I didn't get my Christmas bonus.
And you know what?
The saddest part, you guys.
And you got caught on fire.
I racked up medical bills.
From the Charlie Brown Christmas special,
Christmas Time is Here plays as
trudging back to his cave
unemployed
Kevnard the Accountable
is truly held to his name
How am I going to explain this to the missus?
No, you learned about the true meaning of Christmas
Tell her you got fleeced
Fleece?
Thanks for listening everybody
Fleece?
Fleece? Thanks for listening, everybody. Minotaurs with a fleece?
Fleece Minotaur.
You mean like... Yeah, yeah, they've got...
Yeah.
All right.
Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.
You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker
and you get bonus episodes from there.
And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069
in Ceno, California, 91416.
Thanks for listening.