Nerd Poker - S5E21 Gleaming the Lube

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

If you've ever wanted to imagine a monk punching acidic jelly, well then today is your day! The battle with the gelatinous cube continues, and hopefully Dan will get to live out his dream of seeing one of his friends' characters get dissolved slowly in suspended animation!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season 5. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. My friends are here. It's episode 21. We're going to get into it and start playing some Dungeons and also Dragons. But here they are

look at them chris hey buddy hey man now have you ever thought about playing dungeons and dragons and i don't know like um derbies sure oh okay hey buddy hey how are you brian i'm good what's going on nothing i'm just trying to think of another D word, but there aren't any. That's cool. Blaine's here. Hi, I'm here to play some Dungeons and Dragons on Dr. Ruth. Yeah. Sarah's here.

Hey, Sarah. We have that T-shirt. Remember that T-shirt that was Dungeons and Dragons and Dragons? Oh, yeah. That was a good one. One of our fans made that pretty good. Dan, Dungeons and Dragons and

Dans. Yeah, hi. Have you ever thought about playing Dungeons and Dragons and Timeshare in San Luis Obispo that I'm currently shopping around for partners on? No. Why San Luis Obispo? I don't know. That's just the first coastal town that I could think of. That's a nice one. that other one is probably better

the one where they shot Big Little Lies where it's like all rich people forget what that is I was just listening this weekend Laguna Niguel I was at Madonna Inn this weekend it's the one where all the bridges collapsed

not Pismo Beach? Oh, God. Big Sur? It was Big Sur. That's not really a town as much as it is. A feeling? A vibe? Yeah.

And Sam is here. Sort of. Sweet children. Let's all do a Sam impression. He's doing something. Oh, no. Then we have to take our show. Did you see the...

Doing reps. Did you see his weird Gandalf costume? Holy shit. Oh, no. Gandalf with a sweet back. You didn't approve, Sarah? It was a little weird. That was a classic, like,

I simply had a why, and there's no answer to my why, and everyone else loves it, and so I'm gonna leave them to enjoy their topless Gandalf that they're really into. I mean, I don't understand. Yeah, well, I guess I don't get the why either. I think there was, like, a meme where

he... Oh! There's a meme for everything I love Where there's a meme there's a way right guys Physical fits Write that down because it's incredible We gotta make it Jesus Christ

Let's thank some people Dan get in I sure will i would like to thank patreon supporters who go by names like curdy thank you curdy thank you two kids in a trench coat thank you matt matt bobat thank you that guy who got a boner in front of some cheerleaders thank you pokey bill thank you for apologizing thank you henry felchow thank you spinal tap yoga thank you stewart black thank you smacky the frog thank you daniel whom i care for deeply thank you riding hard on skeletor stick thank you mostly ironic avian war cry i think that was a sincere one that we would get on this podcast what would that sound like baby can thank you little mouse brand

cigarettes smile and have a smoke because you just got you kids back little mouse man brand cigarettes thank you bradley the bagel baron thank you i'm a leg day you finish thank you dr fistington thank you these shoes don't walk themselves thank you brian and steve's fart filled bathroom that almost killed doug thank you john crawley thank you skippy thank you it's b-hole because

it does b-work and finally thank you that baby grima murdered with an axe like it weren't no thing hey blaine who are those patreon supporters brought to us by those patreon supporters brought to us by scrawny paper towels oh god please don't spill anything i can hardly absorb oh god for the, for the love of God, don't use me. Oh, you're selecting his size. It's cruddy paper towels.

And windows, it's just a wall. Dan, thanks, Blaine, for legitimately reminding me that I need to go buy paper towels. I'm here to help. Blaine, have you seen the guy online that looks like he could be your cousin and he just reviews sandwiches in his car? He's like an East Coast guy. And he's like, I got a fucking. Every now and then I get weird calls. I got a fucking chicken palm here and it's the most delicious fucking chicken palm.

And he looks like you. He looks like he could totally be one of your cousins. It's fucking hilarious. And he's from Philadelphia? Yeah, and he's just crass. He's from someplace back there. I think he's like a Jersey guy. Yeah, you've seen him too? Yeah, yeah.

He's really funny, but he seems like you guys have not met and you're totally related. The only sandwich related guy I know from Jersey is Mike. Oh. I like it. Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry, Chris.

What'd you have, Chris? No, nothing. Nothing. I feel like Chris accidentally turned his deferment into a very polite, well, you just fucked me. No, not at all. Guys, Blaine's not a fucker. I'm a grower. Blaine ain't no fucker.

Hey! You can be a fucker and a grower. Blaine ain't no fucker. You can be a fucker and a grower, Blaine. Sorry, it's getting blue in here. It is 9.45am. Gotta save some for the late night crowd. Save some fucking for the gelatinous cube. Last time on NerdPoker,

our heroes were fucking a gelatinous cube. It's really big. I don't like where this went. Already. Our heroes were combating a gelatinous cube along with a wizard who they stumbled upon. A wizard who most likely was also dispatched to destroy the lich. And they're just inside the royal keep. Oh boy, I bet it gets worse after this.

We now take you to the fighting already in progress. Alright, so Rani, you went last. You just murdered a some sort of sprite or will-o-wisp. And we have next in ye olde turn order Dr. Uwud.

Sam, lose everything before this. By the way, we are on roll 20, so if any of you have the literal bandwidth to hop on over there at this fine early hour, there is a giant cube there for you to murder. Now I was... Oh no, I have the hiccups. Is Brian still trapped in the cube? Wait, can we just pause for a second and listen to Sarah hiccup?

No. Don't worry, you're going to hear it. Brian's shadow stepped out of the cube. Okay, so... Thanks to Friar Jolly. So Brian is safe. Yeah, due to some very strong hints coming from somewhere in the metaverse. It wasn't clear where the voice was coming from.

It'd be meta if I, Chris, said to Brian, Hey, you can do that. But that's not what happened. Friar Jolly... It was cheating, but it was fun cheating. I think I say no cheating. It was an in-game announcement. My favorite cheating is the kind of cheating

where you can laugh at it because you know you're doing it. That's the best kind of cheating. I don't know what you mean. Wow. Hey, I'm gonna- But you're not. Witch hunt, witch hunt hoax. I'm going to start laying some damage

on that big monster that's behind the cube walking around. Yeah, it is a lurching pile of gold coins and treasure. Oh, okay. And it's like it's possessed by some sort of thing. It's treasure that's possessed by something or it's just a golem of cash. Blaine, we have listeners with the same questions as you.

It sounds like a good time for a quick insight check. Ooh, a natural 20. Plus my... Plus four, 24. All right, well, as a druid, you are not in particular familiar with this sort of magic, but you've certainly heard of similar magics.

It seems this is some sort of automaton, golem-type creature. You're not sure who created it. It's either the sort of thing that's made from a curse or the sort of thing that was made by a master commanding it you're not sure master and commander okay great movie uh-uh could I call some lightning on it and see if maybe I can maybe that would dispel it or something or scatter it sure it might hurt it though, are you sure?

Yes. It might make the monster be hurt. Yeah. Are you still sure you want to hit it with lightning? Yes. I'm going to start asking you guys that every turn when you attack a monster. Now I feel bad. If we want to

hurt it? If you want to say cast a fireball on this gelatinous cube I might say whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa have you thought about its feelings Blaine please by all means call lightning on it okay I thought uh uh here lightning

lightning lightning lightning although is it I don't know that it's called call lightning in 5e if that is tripping you up I think it might be uh something else no it is it is I'm looking know that it's called call lightning in 5e if that is stripping you up. I think it might be something else. No, it is. It is. I'm looking it up. It's all lightning.

A storm cloud appears in the shape of a cylinder, 10 feet tall, 60 foot radius centered on a point you can see 100 feet directly above you. So do you have to be outside? If I'm at a point where if I'm in a room that can't accommodate the cloud oh yeah you don't have to be outdoors but it does say if you're outdoors in stormy conditions the spell gives you control over the existing storm instead of creating a new one so no no no doesn't matter but he has to do a dexterity saving throw and then once he does that i will mark it on the map are you centering it over him i forget if you said this already yes i want to

keep him back there and what is the diameter of this thing is 60 60 foot radius radius that's massive so that's gonna might just take up like yeah pretty much the whole room the 60 foot radius is like more than half the room uh 60 feet is more than half the room and then we're talking 120 diameter yeah uh you know what if that's the case is it too late for me to retract it and just hit them with a wall of fire it's not i'd like to do that instead but just to be clear like if you summon that storm it's not like everyone's getting hit by the lightning. It's just going to fill the room. I just feel like it's...

Okay, you know what? I'm going to call lightning on it. That way maybe I can keep it going and hit the cube with it. Not trying to drop any hints or dissuade you. Just letting you know that it is not going to end up on the map because it takes up this whole chamber, basically. Okay. This chamber is about 120 feet wide.

Alright, that is a fail for sure. That's an 8. So that's 3d10 damage. Uh-huh. Here's another d-d-d-d-d Uh, 1, 2,

6. 6 out of 3d10, that's great. Okay. So? Lane, you want to roll the other two d10? I did. Oh.

That was all three. Oh. That was all three of us. Sorry, I'm being chased by Leatherface, by the way. I'm going to mute myself. That's an interesting situation to me, Emblain. But I think that does it for your turn. So let's come around and win a Fred.

Okay. that does it for your turn so let's come around to win a fred um okay this is confusing because i feel like we were out of order last time so now i am going again very quickly we did yeah we i think i accidentally skipped you and this is where you should have been though i've got ronnie dr uid the cube friar jolly bunk the wis Wizard, Queep, and then the Golem. Oh, I thought the cube was disintegrated, but I guess that's not, that's correct because Ronnie had to get out of there. Yeah, it's not disintegrated just yet. Okay, so I'm going to

cast Shatter on the the monster thing we talking golem yes and now because it says if it's is he it says if he's made of or she is made of inorganic material such as stone crystal or

metal then they have disadvantage on the saving throw oh boy it certainly is um cool okay so then it's, um, yeah, it's a Constitution 16 saving throw. Uh, that's gonna be a botch. Ooh, okay. So... I'm going to cast a... I'm casting it at my top level here,

so let's see what it does. Oh, God! 21. Quite some damage with the bonus, huh? I can hear the disappointment in your voice. Well, it could have been a lot worse, and it... It's no six. It's disappointing.

You guys have really high standards for damage all of a sudden. Well. Maybe we do. The monster after being only moderately damaged says, excuse me. Anything else for this turn, Winterfell? That is, I believe, it for me.

Cool. Well, here comes your friend the cube gleam it um it is going to lurch forward and land on ye old bunkalchi rankin boing dan when it moves up like that it's going to activate my Guardian of Faith again. Sure is. Just so you know. Not paying attention. Copy. But if the Guardian of Faith's effects are kicking in right now, is there something you would like to tell me?

Yes. It needs to make a Dexterity Saving Throw. DC16. You're a Dexterity saving throw. Thank you. For my heart, it's a five. It fails. It takes 20 radiant damage.

Yay. All right. Well, it sure doesn't like it. More on its feelings when its blog starts, but it is going to take 20 radiance. It's, you know, it's taken about 100 points of damage so far. So you guys have certainly been smooshing it. It's, however, massive. Just a reminder to listeners who do not have necessarily

this in front of them if they're in the car, haven't seen a screenshot yet. It's about 40 feet wide. And he's going to attempt to slurp up bunk. I haven't seen a screenshot yet. It's about 40 feet wide. He's going to attempt to slurp up Bunk. Ugh, grody. It's close. All right, Bunk rolls 14. That is a save. So he's going to be pushed back

5 feet and go Oh Christ! Who definitely exists in this world. And luckily the main problem here is that he is getting hit, the cube, by your guardian. So

that will, I think, do it for the gelatinous cube. No multi-attack for the big ol' blob. Up next is gonna be Friar Jolly. Great. I'm gonna move so I'm side-by-side with my good friend

and be like, Ronnie, here we are! Side-by-side! Fighting the monsters. Isn't it wonderful? I love that the cameras panned down to Brian petting Mavis. It made it seem like you were Mavis and he was petting you

while the companionship was happening. When you can't see Brian's head and he's petting the dog, he looks like a James Bond villain. Alright, there we go. Okay, so Fry Jolly is going to summon up the powers of the Silver Flame, and he's going to cast another fireball. Look how happy she is. That's a 20-foot radius.

I just got to see her again last week. She's still cuddly. Oh, look atuddly. Oh, look at that face. Oh, look at that face. Is Brian still cuddly? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I rubbed his belly. Nice. Not really.

Dan, I'm going to censor the fireball between, in this spot, between the gelatinous cube and the, what is, no, Dan, what is it? You said it's a golem. What exactly is it? Some kind of golem. It looks like we'll just call it for homebrew purposes,

a treasure golem. Oh, so it's like goldie shiny. Yep. Great. So I think that'll catch fire. Jolly's eye. And I'm going to place a fireball between the two of them.

So both the gelatinous cube and the treasure golem have to place a fireball between the two of them. So both the gelatinous cube and the, uh, treasure golem have to make a dexterity saving throw DC 16. Thanks. That's going to be 17 for the golem. And a negative one for the gelatinous cube. What was the other one? Negative one and what?

Uh, 17. Okay, so the treasure golem's gonna take half of 35 points of fire damage. But the gelatinous cube will take all 35 points of fire damage. Nice. I'm just gonna do the old maths. So would that be 17? Yes, sir. And then 100% of 35 is like 60 or something.

I like... Chris, that's not what I really think it is. All right. All right. All right. And then. Oh, and Fidouche, explosion, narrative, spice. Yeah, and so as it burns both of them, Friar Jolly will sort of like put his hand on Ronnie's back like, Ah, great to be back together, isn't it?

Ronnie! That's your name, right? Yeah. Yep. together, isn't it? Ronnie! That's your name, right? Yeah. Yep, here we are, avenging the death of a good friend, Danny. Yep. Working together. Sure.

Memories shared, bonds forged forever. All right. Bunk realizes he is getting a little in over his head and he is going to try to blink backwards. I'm just going to check and see. Yeah, he's going to use straight up as use dodge as his action and try to disengage as his action. Try to get the fuck out of Dodge. Bernie color Dodge. Back way the hell up and say, oh, Lord, oh, Lordy, Lord, Jesus Christ.

I'm not going to keep going with that joke. It feels a little uncomfortable. I could. I just want to make it clear. I could keep riffing on that, but I feel uncomfortable. So that'll do it for his turn turn and we're going to bring it around to the wisps. We're going to

go on the wizard. They are leaning forward and they're going to pop, pop, pop. Are these willow wisps? Sure feels like it. I could make you roll an insight check, but what if I wasn't that guy? Thanks, Dan.

I owe you one. What'd you see, Blaine? No, I just... No. I said I owe you one. Thanks for cluing me in on the will-o-wisp. Yeah. Not as mysterious as the treasure golem,

but this is going gonna mean the wizard collapses and it's going to be it would have been his turn but it's creep it's your turn oh all right i'm going to uh dual blade these three wisps with my boomerang action okay Okay. Let's see. Let us see what that attack looks like numerically. Let me see. Oh crap. That's an eight for one attack.

Let's try that again. As our listeners may know, the armor class of a will-o-wisp was a real pain in the ass and that was a 10 so fucking bunch of bullshit a couple of whiffs as the dual blade of kukula whips through the air and they just sort of yay kukula

does the despondent bird war cry will you be doing anything else with your turn sir no fucking bullshit that's what I'm doing well the golem is finally alerted to everyone's presence and is going to start marching south

he's not gonna not quite able to get to Ronnie and Friar Jolly, but you both kind of look over your shoulders at it, and it is making its way for you. I'm picturing that AM PM snack monster. Too much good stuff coming at us. I was always more of a starving Marvin guy not so much an AMPN

Dan I can't help but notice that thing has moved right up next to the guardian of faith it is yes just barely within 5 feet of it so I'm going to have to ask you to make a dexterity 16 saving throw please that was the most polite

fire damage that I've encountered. Oh, no. It is a 20, sir. Then it will only take 10 points of radiant damage and my

guardian of faith now having dealt out 60 hit points worth of damage will begin to flutter and vanish. Okay. Jolly's a damage machine. For her, Jolly don't fuck around. What's your damage? Speaking of which, Spicola, you're up.

Right on. Mavis, stop. Mavis? Um, um, you're up. Right on. Mavis, stop. Mavis? Mavis, start. I will... God, what can I do? You can do a lot of things. I believe in you.

And I believe in Crystal White. What I had... Is it believes in Dan? I believe in you. And I believe in Crystal Light. Because it believes in Dan. I'll just use the arm blade. He says naturally. And attack.

Nice. Okay. I had to get up and put some milk in my coffee. 24. I had to get up a second and put some milk in my coffee. 24. I'll say. That's a hit, Brian. You know it is. Oh, yeah.

What are you hitting? Oh, yeah. Can you remind me which thing you're hitting? The gelatinous cube. Wonderful. I'm going to scoot your token up because you're about 15 feet away or 10 feet away. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here comes the hits.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That was six. All right. Goddamn asshole show. Sluice at it. Bits of jelly flop onto the floor

like grandma's jello mold just little chunks except instead of fruit chunks it's hero chunks I was about to do hero chunks joke just about to do a hero chunks joke sorry I'm stepping on everybody today I'm so sorry that's okay boy

it definitely isn't unique. I got a 23. Holy balls. That is extremely hitful. Yep. And here goes the damage. Seven. Seven.

Okay, so slashity slash. You've got this thing on the ropes a bit it's starting to quiver constantly you guys yeah just like like there's no not gross way to describe a gelatinous cube especially when you're saying it's quivering but if i if i have to i will say it. Are we giving her pain or pleasure? You're so funny, man. Oh, boy. It's quivering moistly. It's quivering moistly. Very moist. And Ronnie, you going to hang out there where you are?

Yeah. Yeah. Just chilling. Great. What's the worst that could happen next to a gelatinous cube? Hey, Dr. U, you're up. I'm going to call some more lightning down on the golem, the cat. I wish you would. So I guess it's just automatic.

This thing is going to go for 10 minutes, as long as I concentrate. Sweet. So here comes our saving throw. Remember the dexterity thing? I love the dexterity thing. That will be a 14. Sounds like a real miss. So, 3D10.

Mm-hmm. Da-da. 1, 10, 14. Hey. Damn. All right. This is obviously going to splatter things everywhere. It's getting gross in here.

Everything's a little slimy. Take off all your clothes. It's getting slimy in here. It's just one syllable too many. Okay. And will that... Yeah, that's it for me. That's it for you?

That's your action? Your action is the calling of lightning? Yeah, pretty much. I'm just gonna keep concentrating on this thing. Sounds good. Up next is gonna be Winifred. Can I call you

Winnie? Like, at least in, like, the meta of it. Can I call you Winnie? How about Win? You're a win! Oh, that makes a lot of sense for your character. I feel like it's a little Wonder Years. Yeah, no one needs that. So I'm going to do the same thing, but this time I'm not going to waste my higher level. I'm going to cast shatter again on the golem, but I'm going to do it at a lower level.

Okay. If that's all right with you. Mm-hmm. A constitution. I accept your proposal. 16 constitutions saving throw, again, with disadvantage. That will be... Oh, and actually, okay, I had to close roll 20.

Is there a way... It's a 10-foot radius sphere. Can I get the cube and him in the same spot? I believe you can. Yeah, they're right next to you. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So that is going to be a 11 for the golem and a 10 for the cube.

Cool. Then they are going to take... A couple of fails, yeah? Yeah. 13 points of damage each okay the cube

is getting splat like there's a huge chunk out of the upper left corner of it right now the golem is still lurching forward anything else you would like to do first of all was that a song you're you're a bard like what does a shatter song sound like i don't think it was a i mean i guess she could have uh clanged a note to do it but um should you be uh yeah you're more of a

spoken word uh no i think that's fair that's fair let's say that she pulls out her uh liar she has a liar yeah so and then uh and just like strums an incredibly dissonant note like they like when an opera singer can break glasses that way but it's just like a horrible damn what's up? Okay. I see if anybody's paying attention. Pretend that that didn't happen. A hot cold stone roller on my forehead. What the hell?

I look fucking weird today. I'm just putting on the ritz. Silly. So, Dan's like doing his ablutions. Look! That's what I do. I strum a dissonant note on my on my lyre

okay so that is damage that has been taken into account um anything else Winifred that's all I can do okay and have you thought about using a cold stone roller I don't even know what that is.

It's outside of an ice cream shop. Oh, tell me. Strawberry and peanut butter cups together. That's really good. Ken and I'll talk to you about, about skincare later. Okay.

I could use all the help I can get. So let me know. Yeah, we'll just, we'll head on over to Sephora. It'll be a great time. See you at the Americana. All right, the globe.

All right, the cube is now going to, I guess it's just going to be a huge fucking weirdo and keep marching forward. Ronnie, will you please do a dexterity saving throw DC 12 uh

uh uh uh uh uh uh Dex yes

holy shit critical yeah so you get 26 man I'm not gonna say i'm rolling high out loud because then i will jinx it but what if they did uh the golem and the will-o-wisps all get kind of shoved back just like you as the cube lurches closer and closer to the edge of the room where everybody is wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Up next is going to be Friar Jolly. What a great season for Friar Jolly.

Christmas? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep, sure. I love getting presents. Let's see. What can we do here? Am I now in melee with that thing?

You sure are. Yeah. Yeah, it's right up in your shit. Yeah. It tried to swallow like four different things. I don't know. Only one of them was a PC. Going to cast, um... I'm going to cast

Toll the Dead against the gelatinous cube and which means a dolorous bell sort of sound throughout the room rippling throughout the gelatinous cube and needs to make a DC 16 wisdom saving

throw alright that is gonna be a crit throughout the gelatinous cube and needs to make a DC 16 wisdom saving throw. Alright, that is gonna be a crit. Minus two. 18. Well, Dan, that cube is a real son of a bitch. Alright, so nothing happens.

Friar Jolly does not want to get hurt by these guys, so I'm gonna try and make a break for it and go start running, falling back towards the doorway with my, where the rest of my friends are. Ronnie, I'm falling back, brother.

One, two, three, four, five. I guess. So basically I'm now sort of, I don't know.

It won't let me be up on the corner part but i'm trying to be i'm trying to be like here-ish next to i can't get through the door while uh they're there but i'm right now next to uh dr uid in the corner and all my friends okay and remind me, do you have any kind of fancy footwork ability that keeps you from- No, I'm just running. I'm just falling back.

No fancy footwork. Then here comes the gelatinous cube who, as you run away, is going to attempt to grab you. Of course. Going to be a 23 to hit. Oh, that hits. Oh, however, I am going to throw up my warding flare when I'm attacked by a creature.

Now, can it be, does the gelatinous cube see? Oh, that's a great question. It is, it has blind sight, which means that it is blind beyond 60 feet, but it can see. Okay, so it can be blinded. As the pseudopod swings at me,

I all glow super bright white light for a moment, and I impose disadvantage on its attack. So it has to roll a second time. It's called my warding flare. It's going to be an 11. It misses.

Wow. Its arm starts flailing about. It clearly almost slapped you with some acid damage but you managed to... It almost burnt the little sun thing off the top of my helmet.

Then I'd look like a fool! Bunk is going to run in after this Will-O-Wisp that has backed up from the cube and is now all up in Queep's shit and that's a hit and a hit. Will Wisp over there by Kweep explodes into little particles of dust. Y'all been watching His Dark Materials?

Season three just premiered. Good, good adaptation of a good book, in my opinion. Dust and glowing particles. Is that thatmas baking show yes yes that's exactly what it is it's dark materials it's a it's this baking it's a goth baking show where you you try to bake cakes in the form of human organs it's really it's isn't materials and then it's a wisps turn. They have just smacked the shit out of wizard.

And now they're going to try to smack the shit out of queep. Yo, queep. Yeah. Got a 22 to hit. Yeah. And a 19 to hit. Dang.

Yeah. And a 19 to hit. Dang, yeah. You are all of a sudden surrounded by these glowing balls of light. Ow. Ow, ow, ow. You begin to feel electricity charge through you for 20 points of lightning damage. Yikes.

Jesus. I hate it. You know, lightning damage. Yikes. Jesus. I hate it. You know, lightning damage never really feels good. But it's terrible. They have a little mini lightning machine at my chiropractor, and they put it on my shoulders, and it's kind of nice. Just a little lightning. Creep, you're up.

Oh, well, then I will strike back at these wisps. Okay. Let's see what we get this time. Yeah, we'll see. Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quake, quack, qu that's a 10 it's not as funny as it feels uh okay that's a 13 those are two misses oh no

the whiffing my dice are garbage digital garbage we need to get you a digital dice jail poop alright now I just sit here and get hurt what would digital dice clay be like hmm Alright. Alright, now I just sit here and get hurt. What would Digital Dice Clay be like? Hmm.

Oh, that's your cue, Blaine. That's your cue, Digital Dice Clay. Uh, uh, uh, Little Boy Blue, it got banned from Twitter! Oh! Amazing. But dice... I'm trying to think of a digital

you said we could cuddle alright the golem made of coins and such pulls an arm back to strike at you Ronnie and it botches what the fuck it sticksches. What the fuck? It sticks a hand in the gelatinous cube and gets sucked inside. The golem did?

Yeah, it tried to strike you, and as you dodged, it stuck its fist, like, by accident into the cube. And then it rolled an 84 on a botched table and I like it I love it I want some more pretty catastrophic so yeah it goes and boy oh boy did it yeah take that golem you're up Ronnie okay I'm gonna swing. What? You didn't finish that sentence, so it sounded like you were literally just saying

I'm gonna have a boner, everybody, like announcing it. Hey. Just fucking the cube. Alright, here we go. Swing my arm blade. Oh,. Here we go. Swing my arm blade. Oh. Oh, thank God. Oh.

Oh. Low. 13. That's probably a miss. Not for the cube. It isn't. Cube's got shitty armor class. Oh, cool. I'll take it. So, roll that damage. I'll take it. So roll that damage. I'm rolling piercing.

Normally a cube would have a very low on this one is slightly higher because it's bigger, but six or six points. And you get two attacks per action, sir yeah sorry about that thank you for apologizing does this cube do they have like visible organs is it like a giant cell like an amoeba or something or is it just sort of like a big translucent thing me you know i love a body horror i should have said like in my head in advance a lot of things that would make that fun exactly in that way but i'm afraid it is just a gelatinous cube um if you

want on your turn i can let you peek inside of it oh okay without touching it but uh right now yeah it's it's not you don't see any, like, kidneys. Hmm. Hmm. Brian, you roll that other attack? Yeah, the 17. Oh, that's totally a hit. I know, for sure, right? Oh, shit. Six plus three, nine.

All right, choppity chops. I rolled a six on the six. It's looking really rough. It looks like it's going to... I'm having some sweet fucking rolls today. Thank you, D&D Beyond. If you get the fancy dice, you do the... Right now, it looks like you have basic black dice out.

You can change it so they look all fancy and have icicles coming off of them and stuff. No. Just a heads up. It's me, not Rhodes playing. Oh, does Rhodes have fancy dice? I'm not a kid. Oh! Rude.

Wait, are you knocking the idea of cool looking dice? I kind of was for a second there. It is. It was an interesting heel turn you took there. I know. Actually, Dungeons & Dragons is stupid.

Brian, you prefer the dice to the kids. Tax collection dice or something? Yeah. Yeah, I feel like when we finally play back at your house, you're just going to be rolling your eyes at all of our cool dice and have this plate full of just, like, dull gray. No, I like physically having them. It looks like it's made out of a steam pump, guys.

No, I like physically having different things. I just don't get the whole internet. That response, yeah. Loot kind of thing. Yeah, loot or, like, Rhodes has different skins and stuff for his characters you know that he plays dnd or games and i'm like i don't get it it's like a young person thing yourself and i get it a lot of it had to do shooting stuff with spongebob or whatever i want to say dnd beyond had like five kinds of them and then the pandemic happened and everybody

wanted them because it was the only way they could play dnd and now there's like five kinds of them and then the pandemic happened and everybody wanted them because it was the only way they could play D&D and now there's like 50 kinds of them. So that is largely to do with remote play I think. It kind of bloomed because of that. My former employers. Okay, so Ronnie, you gonna run around at all or is that

your turn? Yeah, I'm gonna run around. Such a dick. Blaine or is that your turn? Yeah, I'm gonna run around. Such a dick. Blaine, it's your turn. Oh, I'm going to get out of the doorway here, so if people want to get out of the way, I'm gonna kind of move up

up here a little bit. Do you see where I am now? I absolutely see where you are. And I'm going to continue to strike the golem with lightning through the gelatinous cube. So I guess they would both take damage, right? Oh, absolutely.

Well, that's going to be a couple of fails. Blaine, a couple of fails. You mean they failed their thing? Yes. Okay. So, here we go.

10, 10, 24 for a change. There we go. I love it. Wow. So they both take 24 lightning damage. Okay, how would you like to see this gelatinous cube and golem die? Holy shit. Well, I would like to, I would you like to see this gelatinous cube and golem die? Holy shit. Well, I would like us all to kind of gather up around the side of it,

like it's a play class window at Macy's, and we're kids in the 40s looking at Santa Claus. And then we see the golem kind of do the light up dancey thing, and then it like explodes coins against the glass and then the glass starts to push outward and we all get back and jump

behind a couch and the gelatinous cube blows all this stuff everywhere and there's coins raining down on us like the end of a Gene Kelly movie. Love it. It was beautiful. Well, as the coins rain down upon you,

they are covered in sticky, acidic goo. I don't recommend picking them up right away. Maybe give them a quick rinse. Throw a little hand sanitizer on them. Sure. Winifred, you're up. Okay, so the golem has exploded.

I'm sorry. Just the wisps are left. Yeah, I've moved over to Chrome to try to fix my roll 20 situation. Okay, so, and there's two wisps, is that correct? Thank you for pronouncing it correct, yes.

Correctly. Okay, so I am, I tried to change my dice by the way, Dan, because I was excited to hear that, but actually Two wisps. Is that correct? Thank you for pronouncing it correct. Yes. Correctly. Okay. So I am. I tried to change my dice, by the way, Dan, because I was excited to hear that. But actually, I only have access. I had like the basic plan, I guess. I only have access to like one other dice. At least you have one other one.

I mean, there's some variety. I guess. It's not sparkly, though. Excuse me for our jolly? I'll buy you sparkly dice. Hmm? You just did something in the background. I saw it on my D&D Beyond. I did something in the background? What do you mean?

What'd you do? It said that you rolled fireball damage. I'm so confused. I rolled it a while ago. That must have been... The computer is a nightmare. That sounds like RAM. I am going to... Three ladies? I'm gonna... I am going to do three ladies I'm gonna

um yeah I'm gonna viciously mock the um the this is all I can do for this guy at this point the the wisp closest to me I like it huh um this is all I can do for this guy at this point. The wisp closest to me. I like it, huh?

Mark that wisp. Call yourself a wisp. Yeah, I'm going to be like, yeah, you call yourself a wisp? You look heavy, chunky. There's nothing light, airy, ethereal about you. You are, in fact, opaque. You're barely translucent.

You look like just a solid, boring, old D&D die. The kind that Brian would use or a CPA would use. There's no whimsy. No art. You disgust me. Wow.

What is the saving throw on that? It feels like charisma, but I bet it's something else. It is a wisdom saving throw. Got it. We got you. 16. It's going to be a 14 and an 11. It's only one.

I can only do one at a time. Oh, that's a 14. Okay, so it fails, which means it's going to take damage and also have disadvantage on its next attack roll. Nice. Um... You upset a wisp.

It takes, uh, it takes seven points of damage. So it, uh, it goes like, Ugh! How dare you say that certified public accountants can't know whimsy. Well, that do it for your turn.

Winifred. Ah, that is it. Sorry. Fire. Jolly. You're up. Friar.

Jolly likes what Winifred's cooking and he will focus on the same wisp. And thank you for pronouncing it correctly. Sure. Slam his mace against his shield, creating a dolorous sound, and cast Toll the Dead. So that same wisp now

needs to make a Wisdom DC 16 saving throw, please. That is a fail. it's a 13 you guys are i'm enjoying the spells that y'all are rolling out now you got you managed a big fucking mess of monsters uh

it takes uh eight points of dama how would you like to see it die i would like to see it uh become exactly what uh she's accused of being i'd like to see it become exactly what she's accused it of being. I'd like to see it become kind of a

dumpy, cloudy, not at all magical or whimsical creature. And then it just falls down to the ground with a fucking pfft. As it thuds, you hear it mutter to itself, but I just got a five year subscription

to QuickBooks. One more. QuickBooks. Just move wise. Maybe I'll kind of move around here to try and sort of start circling and closing in the one remaining wisp.

Sounds good. And then Bunk is up. He's going to try to stab at it. Look out, cubes and wisps. A couple of whips for the wisps. And then we're going to be at the wisps. It's one that's left. It's going to attack Kweep again.

Son of a... Kukula. 19 to hit? God damn. Yes, it's a hit. Okay. Okay. Thanks for being so cool about it.

All right. So this this is gonna be... 16 points of lightning damage. Holy crap. Pola. Look, this gives me a dice check. You gotta get some fancy dice. You gotta get some pink fuzzy dice. you gotta get some fancy dice gotta get some pink fuzzy dice

then we're gonna come around the turn order to queep oh what do you know well let's try to kill this thing fucking here we go dual blade of kukla let's see what happens

mm-hmm ah ten Here we go. Dual blade of Kukla. Let's see what happens. Ten. That's the wrong roll. You swung and missed, I think, every time this episode. That was the wrong roll, though. Hang on. No. Okay, 11.

Bullshit. That's a miss. How's 11? Good? Great? Okay. No, it's not good. Let's try it again. Here we go with a 17. House 11. Good. Great. Okay. No, it's not good. Let's try it again. Here we go with a 17.

Oh, there we go. No, that's a miss. Again. He just dramatically took his glasses off like he was... Fucking give up. You look like you're going to punch the wall at him driver style. All right. I believe after that whiff, we're almost done.

And we're going to have to just see how these wisps or this final wisp dies and what the fuck is going on with this dying wizard and pile of golem guts on the next episode of nerdy pokes. Please tell them that you don't like when I call it nerdy pokes no don't nerds like pokes that classic feature of Facebook this is Brian

Poussaint's normal dice only Dungeons and Dragons with paper and pencils knock it off fucker yeah riffs are for bros only we're keeping the gate. Nerdy poke. Sam's not here.

Let's talk plugs. Hey, when's this out? Trails. This will be up a week from today. What you want to call it the like 13th okay what do you got dan i'll be in chicago for the holidays so just look for me at local shows then um maybe maybe hanging out at the lincoln lodge and places like that cool i'm not flying anywhere till the middle of january so i'm i'm home for an entire month five weeks actually uh but i do have a show at the

dynasty typewriter coming up here in los angeles january 17th it's called headliners. And fucking my buddy JT Haverset has booked like a heavy hitter show. It's Dana Gould, Eddie Pepitone, myself, Brandy Posey, who was here recently. And the list goes on. It's going to be super, super strong. Yeah, that show looks awesome. If I can make it, I'll just come watch. And then BrianPersine.com for tour needs next year or tour dates next year.

But then if you want to do some Christmas gifts for nerdy people, I've got a book called Forever Nerdy. I've got a CD called Grandpa Metal that's still out there. People like it. I don't know. Try that. Comical books coming soon. More and more and more. So many. And your special will be streaming so that's oh yeah it's streaming uh starting this thursday um it's called posina non grata

and uh i can't watch it because i'm so so big in it i'm so fat in it, but the jokes are funny, but I look like I'm going to die soon. So enjoy. When I saw you last week, I was going to say you look good. Yeah, I'm working. I'm on 62 days of walking four miles, and I've been eating better, and Taco Bell doesn't even know I exist anymore. We're not talking. Good.

Del Taco is better anyway. Yeah. Well, no, I'm not doing any of that. Oh. No fast food for over 60 days. So, yeah, I'm stoked. That's awesome. Brian, I'll send you some Big Macs.

Blaine, what's going to happen next week on Nerd Poker? We attribute the success to save mankind from the dead. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well, on the next Nerd Poker, Ken sees things you wouldn't believe. Brian attacks ships off the shoulder of Orion. Sarah sees rats glitter in the water off the toilet gate.

Chris loses all these moments in time, like Sam in Dad. All this and sex tips from Dr. Ruth's Chris Westheimer Steakhouse on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.