Nerd Poker - S5E23 Getting So Thorny

Episode Date: January 3, 2023

The royal hall of the lich king is buried in thorns, brambles, and branches. Luckily two of our crew are experienced at dealing with flora, Dr. Uid of course, but also newcomer (and huge fan of Dr. Drew Hugh Uid) Winifred Wintergem. As long as the plant isn't terrifying this should be no problem at all!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Nerd Poker.

Know how I know? Because I'm saying it and you're listening to it. So weird. Episode 23. Here we go. My friends are here. Helloah hello brian how are you i'm doing well and yourself i'm all right all right check this shit out hey chris brian is it 2023 sure is it 2023 uh you see you seem like covered

in like a beautiful golden aura it seems like it's a brand new year alright episode 23 for 23 that's fun have fun 23 for 23

that's a 46 in my book that's the biggest number oh it doesn't get much higher than 46 Ken's here 23 for 23. That's a 46 in my book. That's the biggest number. Oh, it doesn't get much higher than 46. Ken's here. Didn't Jesus Christ die when he was 23? Sure. All right.

Joined that stupid club. Dan's here. How old's that dog, 23? No. Oh. Dan's here, though. It's three months No. Oh. Dan's here now. It's three months old. Hi. I have my friend's pug puppy in my lap. Her name's Winifred,

just like you-know-who. Hmm. A character on the show. Oh, yeah. Remember me? Yep. Our engineer is doing other shit, but he's here with his shirt off somewhere. He's always just ripped, just working it.

Yeah. For the ladies and the men and whoever. Non-binaries. Whoever. Yeah, everybody. He's not a discerning shirtless. No, no. He's a modern shirtless guy.

Don't take home to mama. I'm waiting for Rush to write a song about him. And put it on the signals reissue. He's a shirtless man. Let's do this. We should thank some people. We should. should i'm gonna go ahead and thanks to patreon supporters i'm gonna turn the pug cam off really quick uh yeah i know it's too she's too cute to look at thank you to everyone who listens i say it all the time and i always mean

it but thank you especially to those patreon supporters who can afford to keep us going at those upper tiers they go by usernames like Jockey Chan thanks Jockey Chan thank you Jim Hollingsworth thank you Death Atlas with numbers in the vowels thank you Heck487

thank you Charles Koichiwa or Koichi that's not it let me try again thank you two in the thoughts one in the prayers one of my favorite usernames thank you old bag of holding thank you dargther digby sellers thank you real name mcjones thank you who has two thumbs up them and loves this podcast? This guy's ass closet. Thank you. Matt Wiens.

Thank you. Oh no. My spreadsheet crashed. That sure deals my pickle. Blaine. What's this gherkin brought to us by? I would never say that. Thank you.

Michael Downing. Thank you. Queep sells, but who's buying? Thank you. Digby dogs. Hot Diggity Dog, Dog Dicky Depot, Dildo District Adjacent. Thank you, Salmon Ramen's Salmon Ramen and Topless Gym.

Thank you, Happy Fifth Anniversary Moala from Snake. Thank you, Totus Emptor. Thank you, Kilt Bill. Thank you, Ramen Presents, the first annual Zoomies. Thank you, Kilt Bill. Thank you, Ramen Presents, the first annual Zoomies. Thank you, The Electric Bear. Thank you, Manny Bothans. Thank you, Brandon Blackburn, Alderman, 71st Ward, Dildo District. People love that district.

They love that district. And finally, thank you. Thank you, Prop Meat. Everyone's favorite meat. Prop Meat. That's Prop. Hey, Blaineaine who are those Patreon supporters

brought to us by those Patreon supporters brought to us by bracelets makes your wrist think it's a neck with a bracelet and Mike's

hard soft pretzels hard the soft here's the twist they'll fuck you up feel the pretz Mike's hard soft pretzels suck it wetz! Mike's Hard Soft Pretzels. Suck it, Wetzels! Mike's Hard Soft Pretzels!

Dan? Lane. Hi. How are you? Merry Christmas, you guys. I haven't seen you since. MC DH? We're back.

DT? We're back in action, folks. And it's time to talk about in this extremely masculine voice for 2023 what happened last time on nerd poker our heroes murdered a big old cube of shit and then they hid in the closet and leveled up back to that so you guys are in a um a little closet you finally got into the Archlich's Keep. It is this large sort of royal hall area up to the north end of Vindaria, the castle city. You have gotten this thing murdered.

You've collected some loots and you've saved a wizard sort of from a certain death. How you doing pretty good have we had a chance much to like talk with the wizard I don't believe you have

maybe we should sort of figure out his deal he told us he was from Weston and he has some sort of teleportation magic or something, Dan, I think you said. Let's see. Yeah, he was able to move around the castle by using it. And he has a hedgehog, magical hedgehog.

He has a magical hedgehog. He can summon it as his familiar. He is eager to help you guys, but also he's kind of beat. He really had his ass handed to him. He tried to solo the castle. He was on the boat with you guys that came over here that Gaga was driving. So he attempted to go in a separate route by himself, and it didn't go great. He says that he was

with a couple other folks for a little while, but they're dead. Well, perhaps our leader should interview him, find out if he's got the right cut to join our group. What do you say, leader? Who's the leader? Who's the leader?

Who could it be? Na-na-na-na-na-na-na leader. I mean, you've got that blood oath to avenge your brother. Yeah. Right? Maybe this wizard can help. Sure. You want to talk to him at all what would you have

what does everybody else think I kind of want to talk to that guy the guy who's your leader let's take a really long time and just hash it out man yeah we have some great new merch with this thematically can we just get merch of like a variety of NPCs staring at Brian's characters and like a tile?

There is a cool merch related to Brian's character right now. I just sent the link to you guys. And if you are listening, you can go to nerdpokerpod.com and check it out. I am excited to go look at this. I completely lost the thread of the plot. I gotta go look at it. You've check it out. I am excited to go look at this. I completely lost the thread of the plot. I gotta go look at it. You've seen it before. We talked about it before.

Oh yes. Yes. I love this shirt. Folks. Get your Ronnie is my leader shirt. And if you, if you wear it to one of Brian's shows and point at him, you can force a dialogue.

I don't know if you can. I hate all force a dialogue i hate all of you i don't know if you can i hate all of you you know like you can be a nerd poker npc after one of brian shows by cornering him while wearing this shirt i love the shirt it It's great. Yeah. Sorry, my child is in the background with his Christmas kitten. Yay. Oh, I heard you guys had a new cat. Oh yeah, you missed it.

He's pretty cute. Buddy, what's the kitten's name? What's his name? That's Cheshire. Cheshire. Very good. Yay. Dan's pan down to his lap. But there is, I think, a dog there. There is a sleeping pug puppy.

How could that possibly be trumped by my lap, which is not even visible? How dare you? I don't know why that was offensive. I'll tell you what lap we need to investigate. It's Hunter Biden's top. That tell you what lap we need to investigate is Hunter Biden's top. That's the lap that we need to investigate.

Hunter Biden's lap top. Congress, do your job. Do your job, Congress. Congress. Congress. I'd rather play D&D than talk about Congress. Definitely.

I agree. Hey, hey Brian you don't have to do this in character but I would love to know if any of you including Brian want to know something from this wizard, I will say that you probably want to ask something specific and not just be like hey what's your deal man, so if there's something about the castle that you think would help you going

forward, you don't have a lot of intel beyond this point. A lot of your intel has been about how to just... Does he know where we're going? I don't. Any information is helpful. I know the same thing that the weird fairy creature told you he told me, that

there's some sub-basement, some lower level to this keep where the evil lich resides, where he's hiding. He's gone into a bunker of sorts, is my understanding. Okay. And where is this bunker? Yeah, do we know where the bunker is? You're in the right building.

Somewhere in, so if you can get to the center of the keep, there's a royal hall with a throne. the center of the keep there is a royal hall with a throne uh the throne has been um overgrown by some sort of magical uh growth i'm not i'm not sure i i i have a little bit of intel because i tried to kill a guard and i succeeded before he could tell me more information but there's some sort of growth magically in the royal chamber and if you can get behind it behind the throne itself there's a place where you can descend deeper into the keep is it that tree that

was hurting people that tree that had overgrown that thing do you remember how my friend love to answer an in world question like that Do an insight check, my friend. I'd love to. That's how you answer an in-world question like that.

The one that was in the hallway? Yeah. 15 plus 4, 19. You get a strong sense that it could be very similar, yes, that some sort of ancient magic tree growth has permeated other parts of this castle. Ancient magic tree growth, huh? Pretty sneaky, Dan. I definitely imagine Kweep saying that. That's so funny.

Ken, we were just, I didn't think of that one, but we were just doing old commercials the other day. Me and Mel and Rhodes had no idea what we were talking about. We were just doing stuff from the 70s. I can't believe I ate the whole thing. That's how I started. I like

green banana, bronc, but they don't like me. Yeah. Get your stomach some dye gel. Now we have to pay dye gel 50 cents. Okay. Alright, let's kill this fucking thing.

Bombadita. But does the wizard know where the center is? Could he guide us towards the throne room? If you take this hall farther to the northwest, I think you'll eventually get to the big doors. If you keep traveling through different smaller rooms, different hallways, I'm sure there's another way to that room that is not so obvious. But yes, if you keep traveling northwest, that hallway, if you leave this room, make a left and then a right, you're in a hallway that I believe will eventually lead to the royal doors where guards once stood over a regal version of this

hall, but it is now a bit polluted with this magic growth, is my understanding, and Archlich visits there by himself occasionally, but is mostly in the lower levels, scheming. And you're on board for killing this lich, right, fella?

Yes, but I'm what you might call a bit squishy, so on board for killing this lich, right, fella? Yes, but I'm what you might call a bit squishy, so I'm a bit worried that my... I've tasted a lot of my own blood in the last couple hours, so I'm feeling a little nervous. What magic

have you found is effective? Against what, you say? The lich. Just in here in general. Oh, I ain't fought no lich. What sort of magic are you dealing with? We're absolutely necromancy. Okay.

There's a lot of undeath here, reanimated flesh, that sort of thing. There's blood golems. Blood golems. Blood golems? Yes. They would collect flesh, blood, organs, and reassemble them into something magically animated that is not exactly a reanimated corpse, but a reanimated assemblage of body parts. That's horrifying. Sounds like something Dan Telfer would come up with.

Season 2-ish. Yeah, yeah. And it crawls into your mouth. Bleh. I'll kill you. Me? Listeners, if you'd like to hear one of those creatures crawl inside Brian character's throat for seven episodes,

please tweet at Jesus Christ. Nobody goes to Twitter anymore. Well, character's throat for seven episodes please tweet at at nerd poker pod jesus christ horrible nobody goes to twitter anymore well what what are the uh you said that you've been fighting stuff what have you been fighting most of do you think you've killed most of the stuff here or do you think there's plenty more i've killed maybe a dozen, but I've tried to stay in the shadows. I accidentally engaged that large gelatinous cube, and that was the first thing other than an undead elf I've encountered.

Maybe we should find some place to heal up a bit and then continue northwest. I think we all got healed because we leveled up. You started, yeah. What about Ding Dong? The Ding Dong, I don't know about the Ding Dong. I think we all got healed because we leveled up. You started. Yeah. You start all the, what about ding dong? Huh?

Ding dong. I don't know. Yeah. He's first of all, a delicious little Debbie tree. Um, but you guys are, you're leveled up.

You're all healed, including the ding dong. Um, all, all the live long day. It looks like you guys are ready to ding dong along. It's just kind of a matter of like, uh, is there anything else you want to review about your new level because we did spend a lot of the

last episode talking about that but i think um yeah i realized that i think i had for i think last time or whatever i was missing a feat from last time so i have added stuff i've changed my spells i do have identify now from something nice additional magical secrets yeah and I have some cool some cool stuff it's my memory diabetes or Rob Liefeld because you'll be missing a feet

get it oh I get it. Wilford Brimley would have been proud of that. And Liefeld will hate me for more than he already does. Oh, it's okay. He's got a lot of people to hate because they called him out for being unable to draw

a foot in the comics industry. There's really like insanely detailed faces and then a small triangle, you know, right under their ankle. He should have never quit his job at Stussy. Alright.

Let's kill this leech. Or lich. Go get him. I don't like the idea of being killed. Sorry. That was probably... I think that was just for Ken. I caught it.

It was very slow. I got it. I got it. Is that a news commercial? I got it. But I was thinking about getting leeches on my leg while tubing down the Apple River. Ugh. Ah.

Oh, I've gotten some leeches on my leg. I think we've talked about leeches, I think because of Brian, we've done this before. Let's kill the leech. A leech. Now we can't stop. Son of a beach. Oh, I see what you did.

Hey, wizard, can you remind us of your name one more time? Dan accidentally removed it from his notes. He deleted several pages. So, okay. Delito. Quick mea culpa. I probably mentioned it on the last episode,

but I tried to update the NerdPoker Google Doc on the plane without internet. And guess what happens when you fuck with an online doc offline? Sometimes things get written over and you can't find it in the version history. Unfortunately, I can't remember this wizard's name so I am going to call him Fizzbort. Fizzbort.

Didn't you have a different name before? It doesn't matter. No, don't worry about it, man. We'll call you Fizzbort. Fizzbort is like the filler name I have for a wizard character that I can offer. I have like a bunch of pre-made characters that offer guests when they're on the show

if they want one, and there's a wizard named Fizzbort. So is he temporarily Fizzbort, or are we just retconning his name to Fizzbort? He's permanently Fizzbord, whatever it was before. Okay, he's Fizzbord going forward. You've all had your memories wiped and you don't remember what he said before you took the long rest. Something, the lich, you know what it was?

The lich, the evil arch lich created a pulse of necromancy and it ricocheted off the walls, reverberated through all your minds, and it removed your ability to remember what this particular wizard's name is, and also what your favorite dessert is after you've had a major protein. You don't know anymore, so, sorry. He forgot his own name as well. I think

it's Fizzbord. I just decided to sound my magic missiles. Okay, quick, what's my wife's what's my wedding anniversary? Oh, shit. Oh, I'm so fucked. Ronnie, would you

like to say anything to welcome Fizzbord to the group? Like a little, you know, some as the fourth NPC to join your party? Ronnie? Yeah, Sheriff Fisbord. Welcome.

Thanks. Okay, now we're killing a leech. Let's do it. Classic speech. Leech. If you want to head over to Roll20, you'll notice you're kind of wedged in that room with the weird lava yeah that otherworldly lava um and it is glowing in a really weird way uh there is really odd smoke starting to

come off of it it's a bit unnerving um winnie the pug is making a gurgling noise. Uh, her throat bit slit. Ew. God. What? What the fuck is wrong with you? Check the room for a murderer. Ronnie, what happened? Jesus, I had nothing to do with it. Winnie is a murderer for Racer. Alright, can we please, let's go get the witch.

This episode is over already almost. Let's go. I'm in. Let's go. We're walking. We're just walking aimlessly, I guess, because nobody is over already almost. Let's go. I'm in. We're walking. We're just walking aimlessly, I guess, because nobody is picking a direction. No, look, just because we're all super chill, fun people doesn't mean that you're not walking with purpose. Yeah, man, the chili peppers are total pros in the studio.

And scumbags outside the studio. So you guys are heading sort of northwest um i'm gonna say that you can tell that pretty quickly this is going to end up not being an area a lot of troops are in fizzbort uh offers to head and like peek outside for you if you're looking at the world 20 map yeah see how this hallway kind of like goes straight up like to the north it's the north the north is uh is actually at more of an angle so that is northwest so if you're going up that okay uh you're headed northwest sort of where fizzbort was suggesting and yeah as you start to go in that direction past the two doors

on your right the second of which you know leads to the large gelatinous cube trap, you're starting to notice something is blocking up ahead. I'm starting to see branches growing out of the walls. And yeah, Fizzbord's like, okay, so I know

there must be more guards somewhere. If you like, I can send my little hedgehog to go peek outside and see if anything's out there. That sounds like a great idea. Yeah, let's do it. Send out the hedgehog. He twirls his finger

and a glowing pink hedgehog appears in his hand that slowly starts to look more like a normal hedgehog with just a pink aura. He sets it on the ground and it runs down a side hallway that's right now adorable oh my god oh boy it looks just like the hedgehog in that tomb of annihilation episode that got turned into a tattoo one of my proudest moments of nerd poker but uh yeah he so he scurries down this hallway and squeezes under a door. A couple minutes pass.

He doesn't come back. And Fisbord puts a finger to his temple and says, Yeah, that didn't go great. I can tell I'm going to have to resummon him, uh, but, uh, a guard stomped on him. Uh, he, he went out, there's a lot of guards just outside that door.

They're protecting the keep outside. There's another pair of doors. Uh, they are expecting, I think if there is some sort of assault, it will be from the outside into, uh, those doors. The way we are going is far less traveled because of the magical growth,

is my understanding. Is that a way for us to sneak past the magical growth? Yeah, I mean, you do think, you know, it's starting to get pretty thick. It doesn't look like it's untraversable, but there's a lot of just like thick arm width branches covered in thorns that are starting to sprout up out of the stonework in the walls. And part of the ceiling is caved in in places. You could just be hopping over it, crawling around it, but it is going to be pretty rough terrain. And it will not be an instant easy thing.

You're going to have to go through this for a while and there could be risks to this hazard um but yeah it's kind of like it's this or you go outside at this point where the guards are clearly all right this or the other how many guards are out there do we know a lot um fizzbord tells you that his limited sight through the eyes of his hedgehog familiar he could tell there were oh you know like moving squads of soldiers uh retinues he says they're as far as he could tell at least 50 to 60 oh okay yeah i was gonna say maybe we could do a surprise attack from behind if they're well yeah i mean there's definitely

cover we could try to sneak from cover to cover out there but i don't know that we would benefit from the end result you know right it'd be hiding behind barrels uh in archways and finally make our way inside those doors but But from what I can gather, those doors just simply lead to a side gate to the left and doesn't necessarily get us quicker to the arch ledge. If we can get through this hazard,

we might actually be able to get the easier route, less traveled, but still dangerous. Let's work our way through. Yes. So this hallway was probably one of the main ways to get into the Royal Hall

long before this place became evil hundreds of years ago. And, you know, as you guys tread your way down there, Lucas is shaking very nervously. He pauses before crawling over every branch you can tell he's used to walking this hallway without it being destroyed and so

you know every time he kind of like puts his hands on a branch and like scoots his leg over them he's getting a little extra shell-shocked. Quick refresh. You've got Lucas. He was petrified by this tree way back in the year 423 Fedra under King Eldrin. And King Eldrin III's brain is suspended in a terrarium that one of you is carrying. You've also got Bunk, a.k.a. Bunklechee Rankinboing,

who is your sort of fighter squadmate. is carrying. You've also got Bunk, aka Bunklechee Rankinboing, who is your sort of fighter squadmate. But Lucas is having a rough time. Lucas has Townsperson stats. He was a young guard. He's very nervous, and he's doing his best to go, but he's starting to get pretty

freaked out. I happen to have just added a spell that might help us with this um called speak with plants hey i can turn i can turn difficult terrain caused by plant growth into ordinary terrain well that whoa seems great i can also talk to them but i don't know if we want to do that right now but i can do that too can we can we double up and if uh if we need to like move away you can do this too you have the spell too yes one of us should lose it right then because we shouldn't both have it i'll do that on my next um you both have speak with plants you both have the clearing

plant terrain one it's the same speak with plant it includes it as one of its thing um amazing you hippies but yeah so so i will cast it to create this to make this not difficult terrain anymore i've been talking with some weed you guys whoa guess what man Epstein didn't kill himself whoa hey Otto this is my stop alright Yvonne et Niage and it says I can within 30 feet with

limited sentience and animation give them the ability to communicate question them about events in the spells area within the past day getting information about creatures that have passed weather and other circumstances you can yeah you're gonna try to take advantage of that part of the spell i guess i might as well if it's how long is this like how long is the stretch to get through i feel like you and dr uid would be looking at this and going, oh, this might quickly become more than our spell can handle, but it goes pretty far. It's like a few city blocks.

I mean, I wonder if it says if it says you imbue plants within 30 feet of you, does it move with me as I'm moving? It's probably not. It's probably fixed. um it's probably not it's probably fixed and also it's probably not a uh concentration spell but i can go look at it um it's not um okay well i'm gonna go i can go in as far as i can and then cast it and then that will it will be like within 30 feet behind me and 30 feet forward right yeah and then dr uid can go 30 feet and then 30 more feet and then cast it so we can at least get like the longest yeah and i am so honored to be casting with dr uid whose work i have long admired and known so much about through my own work which is nothing

in comparison i'm sure to the work that he. However, now we are working together as a team. And I really hope this is the beginning of a beautiful collaboration. Yeah, I love talking to plants. It's why I went to grad school for 17 years. Talking to plants. Hey, grass, what's up? Oh, hate that mower, huh? Me too.

I love your spirit, Dr. Uwet. It's truly inspirational. A rose by any other name turns out to be Ted. All right. Well, if you do this, sweet, I'm going to go ahead and narrate a little bit of how that is working in a second. But I am looking at the stats of this. It lasts 10 minutes. So you would know this is going to clear out, you know, 30 feet from you in either direction. Plus, Dr. Uwud, that's going to be a total of 120 feet in diameter so i'm gonna but i'm gonna start yeah i'm gonna go start it as far in as i can get before it starts to get to so uh there is that and it will sort of fall like you'll lose control unless you recast after 10 minutes and it will sort of snap back

into place uh or or you know at least it will gain its own volition again you're not sure exactly how sentient this is unless you want to describe that part but you're gonna you're starting to set up to cast and yes you say may as well speak to it um what are you what are you trying to get uh information or communication wise out of these like big i just i'm gonna tell them that i think they're so beautiful um and uh ask them how they're doing if they need anything and just you know inquire about their days who have they seen what's going on What's it been like around here? Alright, so you're kind of walking into some really...

You all travel for a bit here so you can get to the thick part where you really need this spell. And as you start to cast this spell, hey! Why don't you do a little charisma saving throw in it, Fred? that's a natural 20 plus 9 holy shit

wow okay what's the highest roll we've ever had on this show is it 20 that's either tied or yeah, I don't think we've had a 30 yet. I think I would remember if we had a 30. Benjamin Dawes, if you're listening,

the old nerd poker quotes account, if your encyclopedic memory remembers, do, do tell us if any of you listeners, that was a fun number to, to try to beat, but geez, 29 on a charisma. Okay. So I'm going to give you a little that it's a fun uh number to try to beat but geez 29 on a charisma okay so i'm gonna give you a little i mean it's really it's nothing um i have trained a long time to be able to speak this way and to be able to communicate using my instrument

um no the thing is that you actually friarriar Jolly, are incredibly charmed. I just went out there, spun around, and rolled a 29. You are wildly charmed. That's the fact. By a 29, you can't even, again, don't even. Wasn't that a saving throw? You weren't charming me. You're making me

throw up in my face. Dan, does he find it, does she look awesome out there uh with her 29 come on he's not allowed to throw up in his face do a performance check do a performance check it's fair do a performance this is i've told this story this is totally based on a character my sister played where i was constantly annoyed by her and she was constantly rolling uh 20 charismas really oh wow okay so i rolled that time i only rolled a two but i do have a plus 13 so that's a 15 okay so um winifred as you cast this spell you try to reach into the mind of whatever sentience is inside this massive network of branches and this this plant sentience if it exists you try to reach

deep into the consciousness you find uh very quickly there is an aggressive sentience it is trying to push into your mind visions of humanoids heroes innocents being ripped apart by sentient vines sprouting out of their skulls while they still live very violent stuff but you sort of see it as this cloud of violent imagery that gets pushed back and back, and you're going through this sort of tunnel network and you get to the core of it. Um, I will allow you to, uh, ask a sort of a hypothetical question of the plant mind that you have just,

uh, kicked way the fuck back. This is in your mind's eye. You're saying, I guess I don't want to bother it if it's so such a dick i kind of just want to let it i just want to compliment it on its incredible thorns they look very cool and dangerous and you know just say we're just gonna we're just gonna head through um and i hope you have a great day for just a moment you think you see just like twinkling

pink flower petals start to hover around the sentience and then your mind pulls out naturally from the interaction the rest of you while winifred is doing this you see it's almost like this like unknown uh source of wind is just sort of tossing her hair over her shoulders as she like leans her head back and gets in touch with her arms parting outwards as if summoning some great intellectual

force it's rather remarkable looking and you've never seen anything like it before I threw up a little bit when you do the statue please make this the pose because i feel like this is the this is how i want to be remembered she says as she spins back around the plants get cleared about 30 feet in either direction and you're all pretty grateful because you had to get into the really thick part of this and at your feet where

it's already a bit difficult to stand your ankles are sore it all recedes into the stonework unfortunately the stones are starting to crumble and fall down these branches not only had pierced the stonework but they were kind of holding it together and so so there is now going to be from everybody a dexterity saving throw as the roof begins to cave in. Dexterity saving throw, Dan? Yeah, boss!

14 plus 3, 17. Beautiful. We're trying to beat 10. 14. Sorry. 14 plus 2, 17. What'd you to beat 10. 14. Sorry. What'd you get, Brian? 14. All looking good. What about you, Winifred? 14.

Great. So, NPC rolls. We got a 19 from Bunkle G. Rankinboy. We've got a 13 from Fizzbort. And We've got a 13 from Fizzbort. And we've got a

2 from Lucas. So... A lot of this is fairly easy to dodge. Small crumbling things. But there are some giant slate chunks, rectangular in shape, that

start slamming into the ground. It kicks up a lot of dust. You all kind of press your backs up against the wall, dodging this stuff. As dust settles, you see everyone. They're covered in dust. Except for Lucas. You don't see Lucas.

Lucas? He's not dead under a slab, is he? That crazy guy. He could be trapped. He could be dead. You're not sure. You didn't answer me? No, there is no response. I'll start searching for him. Yeah, start looking around.

Let's get an investigation check from every y'all. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get an investigation check from every y'all. Copy. Okay. Oh, no. Nine. I botched my investigation check.

So did I. I got a natural 20. Whoa. I got a four. I got a four I got a one plus one okay already writing the poem about what has

happened here today and she so she was distracted yeah you're all just kind of like in fight or flight mode uh going into your minds about the various uh what the fucks but queep heroic queep you shake your feathers the dust uh flies off it your

your bright plumage shining through you're digging around and you see under some rock just a hand kind of like sticking out twitching um you clear you clear some of it lucas is unconscious he seems to be breathing but his legs appear to be fairly destroyed and shredded

and pinned underneath a large slab. Poor guy. Can we help him? Yes. Will it go well? Who knows? Who wants to help me try to lift the slab? Yes.

Yeah, I will. What's the matter, Winnie? What'd you see? Did you hear a noise? What's going on? Why are you barking? Why are you barking? If you guys can lift the slab, I can cure wounds on him. Unless Friar Jolly wants to

step in and do something. Really, anything. I'm just writing a poem about my pretty goddamn hair. Strengths? Yeah, so I'm going to get an athletics check from y'all. Well, here's what it's going to be. This is something you can all

do together, but one of you is taking the lead and you're going to get advantage because of all the help. I'll take lead. I have a high athletics, right? I have a plus six. Is that the highest? I have a plus athletics right I have a plus six is that the highest I have a plus seven you go Ken oh thunder thighs

I know those are pretty effective athletics yeah so you're going to kind of plant your feet at the base of this slab you're doing some of the hardest lifting while everyone else grabs the sort of edge of the top of it by where Lucas is so please roll with advantage athletics

that's a 13 and an 11 okay you all yeah I mean you all managed to lift it a tiny tiny smidge but then it kind of just falls back down. This thing weighs a lot.

You feel like you may have unfortunately kicked by lifting it and dropping it a centimeter, kind of like mashed deeper into the rubble. His leg chunks.

It's looking pretty rough did i try uh can we all yeah wait can we all do it together like as a team you well hmm sort of i'm trying to make it so the role is a little cleaner right um i feel like full party roles can get a little redundant sometimes. Could I give guidance to Kwee? You could give... Ronnie wants to give it a shot. I would give guidance to Ronnie. He'll kind of... I got a 23. A 23 and a 10.

I'll take the 23. I think you want to take the 23. What's your guidance? You can add a D4 to that, Brian. Okay. I would go for Yeah, I think you want to take the 23. And what's your guidance for it? Will you get a D4 with that? You can add a D4 to that, Brian. Oh, okay. I would go for it if I was you. My name is Brian Poussin. My name is Brian.

I live on the second floor. You got a fast car. Right? Yeah. A bunch of sad songs, I guess. They were playing a fast car in the starbucks one morning and i'm like what are you doing people just falling asleep in line there's like a remix no but there's like a new one a remix 26 well it's no 29 but that's fantastic uh you you manage uh and this is very hard.

The DC went up to 20 this time because you didn't quite make a 15 last time. And so with this, you all, you know, Ronnie, your bold leader, steps to the base of this slab, and all of you just, you know, start to get better positioning, lift it up. You drag Lucas out. Not much left of those legs. He is unconscious and he's starting to bleed out more.

When I lift, I grunt the words, I'm not the leader. Alright. No, no, no, no, no, no. You are a spider yourself. And to be clear, he is starting to bleed out because there is no longer something else. Help him, help him, help him.

Okay, I'm going to cast Cure Wounds at 4th level on him. Sweet, you roll those dice and Queep is rushing to bind the wounds. Queep, please roll a medicine check I'll give Queep guidance. Sorry about the legs and stuff

Medicine check Very upset because I dropped the thing on his legs 15 medicine check Medicine check. Very upset because I dropped the thing on his legs. A 15 medicine check. You can have a D4 to that. No one's more upset than he is. Okay.

I'm listening, but I'm going to open the door for a dog. Hang on. That's A. So it's an 18 total. Nice. That is nice. Brian, did you forget that I've had a dog in my lap for this entire episode i thought you had a puppy in your lap a different creature obviously so uh the the wounds are bound um he seems to have his his breathing becomes less labored but 18 he gets 18 points back from cure wound yeah which which is you know more than his max hit points he's he's doing about as well

as you could expect he's an old 15 hit pointer um so he's doing he's doing as well as you could expect but some permanent damage has been done. His legs don't magically come back into shape, and he is still unconscious. You know, possibly from shock, just he might need some rest. You could probably, smelling salt, or slap him awake if you really wanted to. How long are

his stumps? Wow, let's get into it. some of our more uh our more shy listeners may want to avert their ears but basically his right leg is all there but it's been kind of mashed flat some of the bone seems to be missing from the leg uh There's no ankle joint, really. It's just sort of been ground down. And a lot of his muscle tissue appears to have just been sort of compressed

and lost, you know, like a lot of its... its tension. So it seems unusable. His left leg is mostly there. He is, however, missing his foot. There is flesh that Kweep has sort of tied off a bit so it's not bleeding out as badly on his left leg. Same sort of situation.

So most of his legs are there. Okay. So we can have a cane or something we can sort of help him walk I guess not I'm going to give that a no boss you think this is a strictly strapped to my back

master blaster situation so there's no amount of healing that can be done to I have a cure wounds but it's not going to bring his legs back so yeah you need to for limb loss it's stuff like greater restoration like you can call Sheldon save his legs

yeah you're gonna need to do a spell that is more about so let me pull up that spell so I can give you a better sense of what the difference is I'm just asking because I'm just trying to figure out how to rig some legs for him or something.

Can't we talk to some plants about this? Plants. Come on, let's brainstorm. Make some legs. That's got legs. Knows how to use them. All right. Regenerate. But it's got legs. Knows how to use them. Alright. Regenerate. You want the spell

Regenerate. Regenerate? You touch a creature to stimulate its natural healing ability. The target's severed body members, fingers, legs, tails, and so on, if any, are restored after two minutes. If you have the severed part and hold it to the stump stump the spell instantaneously causes the limb to knit to the stump this is a seventh

level transmutation spell that can be cast by a bard a cleric or a druid so there are some of you who could learn it but it is a seventh level spell and so i think uh this guy is in he's up Schitt's Creek for a while does anybody have fly or levitate that you can cast on another person no but even if we did you'd have to keep casting it right I mean

so we did with Bic right I just kept putting fly or levitate on myself. Alright, well, I'm going to strap it to my back. Alright. So what that's going to mean... Are your wings back there? Yeah.

Between your wings. Under my wings. Hey, Quig, maybe I should carry him just because you're a bit more of like a physical axe swinging fella. Alright, I just feel responsible. Because I am responsible. You only crushed him the one time.

So you're both strong enough to carry him. A lot of us have tried to help and made it worse. This is, while you have him strapped to your back, your movement is going to be halved. So when you enter combat, you might want to set him down somewhere a little quiet. Also, you will

have a disadvantage on athletics checks. While he's on my back. Got it. Yes. Okay. Who's your god? Do you have a... The Silver Flame! Maybe he can or she can weigh in.

The Silver Flame? I mean, yeah, I can burn the shit out of him. What are you? It can't make feet. Chris. The Silver Feet. But sure, yeah, I will take a knee and sort of like, Oh, Silver Flame.

This kid came from another time and was crushed. I wish Winifred's many speeches were able to help him, but perhaps you can now, Silver Flame. Is there a way to give this boy a foot or ease his pain?

Oh, guess what? Winifred is gonna drop to her knees and strum and just be like oh your words fly like the mighty creep to your to the silver flame and then you get a bardic inspiration so if you have to do a religion check right now he sure does so i can is that a d8 i'm checking it's not d8 but it's d something it's better than a D4, I think. Oh, it is D8. So for my religion check,

I get only a 10, but then adding the D8. There it is. Adding a D8. I rolled a 3, so a total of a 13. Yeah, I mean, you feel like the silver flame really wants the suffering to decrease.

Or Lucas, you feel this inner peace. Increase? Decrease. I meant decrease. Did I say increase? Oh, I thought you said increase. I was like, wait, I suddenly thought maybe he was a... Chris's god was an evil god.

I just woke up in a bad mood and I decided everything's going to go sideways. No. Yeah. You feel like the silver flame has goodwill for Lucas and we'll watch over him, but there's no immediate productive effect. Okay. Winifred.

Thanks to your strumming. The silver flame will watch over our flat friend. Dramatic bow and a nod of the head. Alright, well now Flat Lucas is strapped to Friar Jolly's back and still unconscious.

You know, the trauma he's been through is going to keep him in shock. Let's just let him sleep. Let's let him rest, right? But he's now that guy and the spell has worked as the dust begins to settle dr uid you definitely are remembering the plan and i would assume striding forward as you attempt to position yourself within the thick vines 30 feet ahead yes yes please i'm gonna try to make sure that i'm not under any falling slabs

well you know what um as you squirm between the branches i'm gonna have you do a quick little athletics check to make sure you don't get stuck or hurt yourself because you're starting to lose space to squeeze yourself through unless you would like to provide a solution to this 19 plus 3 22 all right so without having to do any other magic trick you do manage to get through you are you're kind of trapped you don't have a lot of uh body you you feel confident when you cast the spell you're no longer going to be held in place by these branches but they are kind of pinning you about 30 feet in and you're like okay when i cast this spell it will pull aside and you know but uh i don't like the way you're setting this up if you want to do something to stop the rocks from falling on you which you did

state you're gonna have to tell me how you're gonna do that or call out to your friends for assistance because yes you're absolutely right when you cast this though you will be sort of freed from these branches the ceiling is likely to collapse again uh hmm i can't just set it on fire can i'm used to use of course you can i would love to see what happens uh and hey refresh my memory if we touch this plant is that bad are we trying to avoid any contact with this plant you have already all had to touch it to kind of climb over it you do think

it's pretty bad news if you attack it based off of what happened when you first encountered that tree so turn a guy into wood right something like that so the sentient magic within this thing is pretty intense but you're not entirely sure what different spells will do you could try setting it on fire i wait so you set it on fire here's what happened no i'm not going to set it on fire yeah you were going to cast you're going to go ahead and cast i was going to do some uh yeah yeah it's uh speaking with more plants convincing them all hey guys hi it's me. With the plants. Just imagine it chatting with a dendron. All right. So you are attempting to recede, uh,

the branches. Are you also attempting to commune with the plant thing? Like, uh, Sarah was, yes, I'm going to, uh,

hi, Hey, it's me. Dr. Rued first time caller, longtime listener. I see you've met our friend, uh, uh's me, Dr. Roo, first-time caller, long-time listener. I see you've met our friend Winifred.

You guys had a nice chat. What I would like you guys to do is I would like you to retract a little bit, but if you could sort of keep the ceiling up so my friends don't get crushed under any slabs. We lost a couple of

feet back there. Could you give me a charisma saving throw to represent this conversation? Because you're dealing with a hostile sentience. 19 plus 4, 23. Oh, hello. That works. The plants all begin to recede. begin to recede and you do get a glimpse

of this violent imagery that it is attempting to press into your mind to drive you into madness oh is that right Winnie Winnie says so you get this image you're unable to fight it all the way back

into its core the way Winifred did but you do keep it at bay and you do get a glimpse of like okay there's some some sort of visions of this this creature plants history that it is it is attempting to share to hurt your mind and um you you you are able to snap back into consciousness quick enough to notice the ceiling's about to collapse uh you are alone this time because the um the branches were so thick your your friends couldn't squeeze in there with you right it wasn't like winifred

where you were all kind of like walking over branches together and then standing around winifred this is you 30 feet into the overgrowth so please do a dexterity saving throw dr wood 14 plus 3, 17. Alright, yeah, you manage to pop against the wall as more large chunks of stone just collide with the ground. It's the same basic thing. All the rest of you, this huge wave of dust goes and covers you again. Your eyes kind of sting even though you close them as quick as you can. After a few minutes, dust settles.

You're all covered in dust once again. I mean, you're really just caked in this junk. You've all got this layer of light gray dust and dirt all over you. And the path seems clearer. There is still a wall ahead of Dr. Uwud, a very heavy growth. You feel like you might be pretty close to the doors. You've made a whole ahead of Dr. Uwud, a very heavy growth. You feel like you might be pretty close to the doors. You've made a whole lot of progress having gotten this much pulled aside.

And you've got about nine. Let's see. How long would it have taken Dr. Uwud to crawl through? Let's get an athletics check, a retroactive athletics check, Dr. Uwud, to see how long it took you during winifred's speak with plant spell to get in there another 19 plus 3 22 great so you ate you did it within 60 seconds you were like and then uh i'll say it took another sort of like 30 seconds for the dust to settle not for you all to see to run forward. You got about eight minutes left. Everybody, try to

make as quick a good time as you can, and you feel like you can't see very easily, but this underbrush keeps going. And you're all kind of at the precipice of it, and you look behind you. About 120 feet of cleared vines that'll probably grow back in eight minutes. Shit.

Let's keep going, right? Yeah, you just need either a new cast of this or a new solution. Have we tried hacking at this thing yet? Have we seen what happens if we hack it? We don't want to.

No, we don't. It's aggressive. Yeah. So I can... Let's see. Can I do it again? I'm running... I'm going to use up all...

Because I just cured wounds too. Yeah, I guess I can cast it again. It's just going to use up another slot here you're gonna go for it i am cool you're gonna try to commune with it again um i think i'll do what what dr uid just did as his his efforts were so productive so i'll basically say the same kind of thing i'm just gonna once again tell it can i can i can you tell me something about it like what does it look like i complimented the mind of it no like the the plant it is this very dirty now from all the dust. Heavy gray branches with thorns at the base of the thorns.

There's like this weird purplish pink that kind of reminds you of some of the weird magical hues on the tree that you saw earlier. And you will, I'll tell you when you cast this, I will give you advantage on your charisma saving throw because you rolled a 29 last time. And it will be slightly less resistant to you when you try to make it recede. Okay, so I'm going to, I guess I'll do that charisma saving throw because you rolled a 29 last time and it will be slightly less resistant to you when you try to make it recede okay so i'll i'm gonna i guess i'll do that charisma saving throw with advantage um so that's a 19 or a and to be clear normally you wouldn't have to do a charisma saving throw but this is a sentient plant that does not want to recede so that is right so 23 and this time i'm gonna say again the same thing i'm gonna say yeah could you could you hold up the and i'm gonna ask them to say that that purplish pink color is divine and i'm gonna ask it if it wants me to write i would love to write like an epic poem about the power

of this plant and creature. And I, I want to know how it would like to be described for posterity. Obviously I will focus on its power, um, on its, uh, dramatic and deathly beauty and anything else that wants me to include any

notes it has for me. I would love to hear them. Can I get a persuasion check, please? Sure. 17. So, you all see only 30 feet this time because Winifred doesn't have

room to crawl deep into the branches like Dr. Uwe did. The walls recede ahead um winifred you you feel like you make kind of there's there's a lot less aggression this time when you when you see this sentience in your mind's eye and um you see some of the little floating flower petals that you saw in your last vision that were there that dr uid didn't get to see at all and as you uh pull out of your mind's eye and become more present and the branches recede you notice the branches start to like recede voluntarily into a little tunnel they go they start to crack

loudly as they pull themselves aside and you see you just go about another 50 feet kind of around a bend it's taking you to the doors of the royal hall that were completely covered in branches nice yeah now that statue's starting to make a little sense wow

and we'll have to find out how that pays off on the next episode of nerdy pokes whoo yuck what was the yuck for the next episode of Nerdy Pokes. Yuck. What was the yuck for? Nerdy Pokes. The whole episode was so good and then

Did I make your brain moist? Oh, Jesus. Luke's flat foot. It's just a difference're not there you millennials Dan you know with your shortening words sprightly elder

millennials like me yes okay so promote anything do I yes I'll be doing some shows in LA in January. Keep an ear out for that. I know I'm going to do one with Derek Sheen at some point while he is in town. How about you, Brian? What are you going to promote?

I'm going to get high with Derek Sheen here at my house. People can come by and watch us. No. I've got some tour dates i've got a johnny taylor and i are going to be in louville uh in the middle of this month or in the middle of january sorry uh 12 15th at the god what's it called comedy attic i think or no comedy. No, it's not the Attic. Attic's in Bloomington, yeah. Yeah, anyway, just look at my dates,

brianprasine.com, and then I've got Tacoma coming up, and I've got a place I've never played, I think, in Guy O'Belum's joining me, Batavia, Illinois. It's like a suburb, right? Do you know it? Nope. It sounds familiar.

I haven't been there though. Batavia, I think is pretty far out and I'm in Chicago right now. Oh, you are. Okay. Uh, anyway, um,

we've got that coming up and then I've got, uh, comic books. There's a new, uh, holiday party, Scotch McTiernan. That's that'll be released next week.

So go to a comic shop and pick that up. That's the third edition of stories that we've done of Scotch McTiernan, which is just this crazy character. He's a lot of fun. And then anybody else? Chris, what's on that t-shirt I want to know what's on Chris's shirt I've seen part of it the whole episode oh it's a Rob Schraub creation

it's called shock theater or shock feature theater it's a little thing Rob Schraub does if you know who Rob Schraub is yeah it's funny we've never had him on the show we should have him I think he's played I love Scud the Disposable

Assassin. I got super into that in college. I have a Scud action figure on my desk. It's the best. Oh my god, I want it. Cool. Blaine, what's going to happen next week? We attribute the success to save mankind.

Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. On the next episode of Nerd Poker, our contest winner switches brains with our contest loser. Who will sue first? All this in part two of Chris's interview with Henry Kissinger on the next Nerd Poker.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.