Nerd Poker - S5E24 What Once Was Royal

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

The path cleared, the crew must now crack open the doors to the royal hall, which appear to have been overgrown with magic vines for years, if not decades. It feels pretty unfun, because even though two of our heroes can speak to magic plants, there's probably some other horror waiting on the other side of these doors, because the DM is a dick. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season 5! Hey everyone, I'm Brian Poussaint and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. My friends are here. Look at them. It's episode 24. We're going to get into it. But first, let me say hello. chris what's up buddy brian it's january our favorite month it's time for cleaning the house and you know joining that gym and just

crying oh yeah january chris is here remember ken's also here look at him Brian, good morning, happy new year Hey pal I have just two words, little idea Nerdy pokes What do you think? I don't know You love it Dan's here Hi Brian

Hey This is my new personality, it frightens the pug that I'm pug sitting. Enjoy it. 2023. I'm very excited all the time. Forget it. I mean, I get why the pug is frightened. Blaine's here.

Hey, everybody. Oh, God. What's up, buddy? Happy 1941. I'm going to whatever year I want. Cool. Sarah's here. I'm here.

Good morning. How you doing? I'm doing all right. Now I'm thinking a lot about because of the nerdy pokes thing. Now I'm thinking about pokes and then I was thinking about Facebook and that bummed me out for a while.

And then I remember when everybody was poking. Oh yeah, I didn't like that so much. I was so stupid. I used to hate it, now i i long for those innocent days of stupid features before we were taking down third world governments of facebook misinformation hey where's our pal sam is he here lurking okay background hey beautiful children um let's get in. Yeah, you know who else is here, Brian? Patreon supporters. They care about us. Did you know? Yeah.

Look at all cute for us, Brian. Oh, look at you bashful because of those Patreon supporters. Look at those red cheeks. All right. Well, I'm going to go ahead and thank some people and see how much I can make you blush with Patreon usernames like Merman's Glistening Oyster Moistener. Here here we go i didn't

have the desired effect thank you ridge carpenter thank you cabbies on pot thank you teachers talking teaching thank you no please i insist thank you dan and friends thank you nick hanks thank you the random or thank you bernie sanders's magical mittens thank you highway to the newman's own thank you riley thank you kelsey roth thank you four nice guys a girl and a pizza place called paladinos oh thank you fred durst's vagina congratulations to fred durst thank you season one episode six the pizza episode thank you willie nilly nelson thank you brian's baby mask and sword emporium for all your home defense needs thank you whoa whoa whoa what are you doing with those two fingers thank you sean allen thank you

this is a good one thank you ben felts thank youculoid. He was a Herculoid. Happier than Gloop and Gleep. Thank you. I'm so excited that comedian Mark Ellis is the guest on this... Oh, pardon me. My COVID test thing went off. I'm so excited Mark Ellis is the guest on this bonus Star Wars episode. Can you imagine if I timed this right? I don't know

Mark Ellis. He's a very funny comedian who I met one time. I will put that into the universe for you via what I just did. Thank you, Scotch McTiernan's weed-infused single malt. Thank you, Newbody. And finally, thank you some scared rat working

through the trauma of that time there was a Sarah in her sewer sky. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by, are those Patreon supporters brought to us by, please? Patreon supporters brought to us by... It's Dildo Days in the Dildo District. Sponsored by local businesses like Shove'Em's Turducket, Peggy's Diner, Barnes & Noble,

Big Dick's Draping Carpet Warehouse, The Home Depot, The Glowing Assful Widows Club Dave Palladinos Two Biggios A Different Dave Relax the Front Filler Up

The Old Spaghetti Factory Safe Words Remembered Poop Shooters Joanne Fabric With performances by BenFucks5 Florence and the Hitachi The 19.75 Bob Se Florence and the Hitachi,

the 19.75, Bob Seger and the Clip Bullet Band, TV Up the Lady-O, and the comedy of Blaine Kapach. All this and more. Bring in 2023 with Dildo Days down to the Dildo District. Dan? Thank you, Blaine. You're a national treasure.

I am so grateful for our sponsors, and our listeners are so excited that you have expanded the lore of the Dildo District. Show us. We need to just put out in dmsguild.com a source book of just Dildo District

locations and artifacts so players can explore it themselves. It's like... It's like where Fafhrd and Graymouser hang out. Hey, everybody. Are you ready? I'm leaning in to do the voice.

It's time. For what happened last time on NerdPoker, our heroes managed to use some plant-talking spell to clear a bunch of weeds and shit and also talk to them? Didn't know a spell could get rid of some

magical roots that I definitely spent a lot of time having magical traps written up for. Anyway, that was pretty cool how they just succeeded a lot. Hopefully I'll kill them soon. And now they are on the precipice of the Royal royal hall which is supposedly also overgrown with stuff but maybe also other stuff we now take you to those people who have to cast away cuties or the ice five there's something

already in progress so yes that is what's currently happening if you recall you just kind of like uh carved your way through a couple hundred feet of magical rock-hard tendrils, which, you know, I saw open for Steel Panther, but also you are now kind of at the door. There's a bramble behind you, and you are in kind of a rush to go through because you've only got a

few minutes before the brambles start re-enclosing unless you cast that spell again. Okay. Let's check out those doors. Yeah, check out those doors. Yeah, check it for traps. Sweet. Who's doing it? Who's giving it a trick? It's pretty confined space, big doors, but you're going to want someone to take the lead because there's very

fine mechanics to door locks and such. I'm not very good at investigation. Is somebody else pretty good at it? Is it sleight of hand? If you want to check for traps i do investigation if if uh and so i'll let me let me sort of visually describe it a little bit and because then yeah slight of hand is if you're straight up picking locks or trying to get something open without smashy smash so this is a big wooden double door uh it looks like it

used to have very ornate paintings on it with gold leaf and such, but it's long been since scratched up, ripped apart, faded. And there are two very dented sort of golden, what do you call them? Door knockers. Gross. And yeah, there looks like there's some kind of blockage in between the two doors. It doesn't look like it was put there necessarily on purpose.

It looks like it could be the result of just magical brambles being smashed up against it. You also kind of can't tell. Maybe there's more brambles smashed all the way up against it from the other side. But there's no keyholes or anything. Okay. So, yes. Is it locked? it from the other side. But there's no keyholes or anything.

So, yes. Is it locked? Tell me how you're checking. We're checking for traps. Who has the best investigation? I have plus five. Definitely, I have plus one. I have a three. You.

Shout out. I have plus five. Yeah, I think that's the best. Yeah, yeah, three. You. Shout out. I have plus five. Yeah, I think that's the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Okay, I did see, by the way, there is a feat that's specifically, it's called Dungeon Delver, I think. I didn't take it because there was another one

I wanted too badly, but someone else should think about it for our next level up because it's specifically, I think about picking up, but it's all like dungeon related bonus type things and one of them is checking for traps you advantage on things like that i didn't take it however so i'm just going to go ahead and straight up check for traps dan that's right yeah please by all means do that investigation i'm investigating

investigate i click investigate and nothing happens. So I will have to use it. Oh, here it comes. It's moving very slow on my computer. There it goes. It's rolling. I can't even see it. It's a hat.

Hey. Nice. Ooh. Yeah. So you are kind of like running your hands across it very, very cautiously. So you are kind of like running your hands across it very, very cautiously. And it seems as if there is something that is pushing hard from the other side, not like actively like an animal, but passively like mineral or plant. And it is kind of smooshing between the doors a little bit. So you think it's either like a soft mineral or plant

that has sort of begun to permeate between the doors, or it is a hard one that has been growing there with such force and for such a length of time that it has begun to grow through the two doors. But you do not think there is a trap trap that is simply what you get from it. I think you would think, okay, so

if I open these doors it's either going to be a wall of vines and rocks and shit or it's uh going to push out okay so i do i have one slot left to to speak with plants if you guys would like me to do that or if you want to try something else first if it's the same it's a good idea dan's shaking his head classic plant speaker um winifred winter gem let's let's uh let's cast that spell if you like okay i guess i'm gonna go ahead and do that um it's my final plants have really been your best audience so far um you know they definitely like your songs more than your friends yeah uh so let's see so did the bozor sunday times when i performed a cycle of three plays all monologues 100 monologues and 100 me and i'm just saying i got a standing ovation every night oh geez nice you know

but i think if halcyon were here she would say cacola kill me uh okay so yeah so i cast speak with plants and i'm just gonna say um excuse me uh hi we're just trying to get through here um you uh you uh you it feels really really powerful what the way you're holding this door this must have taken you years to achieve this i'm really impressed um we're all really impressed is it can you move it can you move aside so that we can open the door is this just like your natural state and you kind of want to hang out here okay so i have customized the rules for these plants since our last session because sarah rolled a 29 and i thought that was so obscene it deserved a little bit of a special relationship with the psychic plant creature so what I'm going to have you do is a charisma uh saving throw like you have been

doing when you and Blaine communed with this creature except the DC has been going down this whole time because of the 29 so as long as you keep getting successive uh successes eventually the DC could disappear and you could simply commune with this being openly. And it would talk back to you either. That's going to be a DC of 8.

Okay, I rolled a 20. Total. Yeah. Your vision in your mind's eye just fills with pink blossoms. And this warm feeling comes over you. And you all kind of hear this crunching noise as it sounds like something is almost suctioning off the other side of this door. Thank you so much.

Do you want to open the door? Yeah, let's open that door also it's been noted you got another 20 on that Jesus well I have a plus nine on my charisma saving throw so amazing if it was a DC eight it's an automatic success I guess

actually I didn't need to right yeah right right character right trap so okay if you have what is it a plus six you said plus nine to my charisma statement. Plus nine? Okay, so that was an automatic success. I'm going to say the next time you talk to this thing, you can openly converse with it.

Great. And you would be able to tell from that luxurious spa experience you had from that last saving throw. You popped the doors open, yes lovely well as you uh push the doors open you see this vast chamber the roof has caved in a little bit so clouded sunlight is coming down through into the center of this chamber it looks like up, there's maybe some sort of smaller royal chamber, and this is what used to be some kind of meeting hall.

The stone is long overgrown with these plants, and you see on the ground bits of broken glass. There are these pink crystals everywhere that I would think you would all, after some of the experiences you've had, feel a little unnerved by. And if you'd like to hop on all over to Roll20, I know some of you are there already,

I will let you see what it looks like. You're not in combat yet, but, you know, if you have the computer bandwidth, I think this could be a handy visual. Oh. And you may not be able to move your tokens right away. My own computer bandwidth is mad at me, so I'm taking a second to move your tokens right away. My own computer band with this is mad at me. So taking a second to assign your usernames,

please hop on over if you'd like to see it. A minute. You know, roll 20 is just a roll 18 with two. Oh, hold on. I got to take. Oh,

yeah. I've just been told not to say that I see okay I'm here oh there we go I am inviting you all to tell me what you would like to do next

what do you think Ronnie should we carefully explore should we check out that Should we check out that door? Yeah, check out the door. Okay. We're checking out the door. Yeah, you're through the door. Oh, we're through the door.

So now there's just steps in front of us leading up? There's steps in front. Yeah, so it looks like it stopped here. I will adjust the reveal a little bit. It's just kind of because it's forward. Yeah, you can see some more for sure. And now it looks like a vampire cape. So we saw and we're seeing those crystals on the ground?

Yeah, it's not represented on the map because they are a bit tiny, but they are sprinkled about. And once I'm listening, however however the pug puppy loves to run up the stairs realize it doesn't know how to go downstairs and start crying so i'll be right back maybe i would say like lord queep and dr professor senor wood what do what do you know of these crystals from your previous legendary adventures? I cannot hear you, for you are muted. I believe in them, so I believe in me.

What do I remember about these crystals, Dan, that they were part of the... There were beholders? There was a beholder that was made of these guys? I remember something like that yeah these crystals um look similar to the ones that you encounter previously in clout and ham except there is a strange pink hue to them they do look kind of like some crystals you just saw in the hallway a few episodes ago. And if you remember, Bunk tried to teleport past them and succeeded.

Right, right. And he thought maybe he was going to turn into a body horror monster later because you didn't see him do it. But yeah, I would say do an insight check. Queep and Dr. Uid to see if your adventures around Klottenheim with the crystals help you recall what exactly the fuck is going on. 15. Lord? Lord Queep and Dr. Uid to see if your adventures around Klottenheim with the crystals help you recall what exactly the fuck is going on. 15. Lord Queep.

18. 18. Dr. Uid, you recall a little better than Queep, who is preening right now. But you think that there is a chance if you ingested these, they would have a negative effect. Or if they encountered, say, an open these, they would have a negative effect, or if they encountered, say, like, an open wound, they would have a negative effect, but stepping on them, you don't... What about a mucous membrane?

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. COVID tests, y'all. Don't stick them up your nose. What about if you had a crushed foot? Would that fix it? I'm asking. Queepin' Dr. Ru ruid does it have healing qualities uh i would say dr ruid based on your 18 that is a very first of all that is very silly and funny question would it fix a destroyed foot but also also, you have noticed in the past

that beholder-like qualities did erupt forth from certain beings when they applied such ice and crystals to themselves. So, you know, I would think you'd be like, oh, maybe an eyestalk would come out of his ankle. So we could turn him into a beholder. Maybe he would float. Maybe eyeballs would pop up in his

stomach and you would look like what is that dude from Total Recall who's like, wait. Quatto? You could Quatto him. That could be fun. Feels like a no, but... Anyhow, that is the answer to your question

would be oh, maybe. Maybe it would fix his foot, but not in a great way. Right. It'll fix it, all right. Should we carefully proceed into the hall? Yeah, let's make our way up these stairs.

Yes, and you should all have the toilet. The stairs? The crystals? Oh, is Winifred proposing that creep romantically sweep her up in his i don't know why everything needs to be romantic do you think so you don't think we're safe to walk hearing i've i've heard many a legendary song, including one recently on YouTube, which we should... Oh my god, yes. About Queep's ability

to... which was great. If Sam is listening, we need to find out how to play that on the air. That was an amazing thing. Awesome. Oh, fuck. Oh, are you okay, Brian? You getting fucked? What's happening? Okay. It's yawning.

Yes. I like to tease Winifred because she has that obsession. Somebody moved up there. I'm going up the steps. Dr. Uwe, don't give no fucks. So we're just trying to avoid the crystals as we walk, right?

Yeah. And they're not everywhere. So it would just be, let's say, like a slip-up that might... Like a very deliberate called-out slip-up that would result in... Got it. All right, so...

Here we go. Yeah, it's intense in here, though. Clearly, if I've got a combat ready map, you all feel a little bit like there's an air of silence that is unnatural. You all kind of look up and notice. So the sky, there's open air up above, but for some reason, no sound is coming from the outdoors.

Was it raining out there before that we saw? Um, I think it was cloudy, but not raining. Oh, I wonder if there's no, yeah. There's some kind of bubble.

Maybe we could fly up there to see like, do, are we like in a, some kind of spell, right? Like in a bubble or something? something well if there's no sound coming in is that what you just said yeah yeah what's the chance of meatballs i'll fly up and look you gotta watch out in the land of chew and swallow the land of chew and swallow that's what it's called in the book. I love it. All right. So you're going to fly up.

Let us get an investigation check as you fly up and take a peek. Oh, I'm such a good investigator. You are. That's a 17 plus my bonus, which is a total of 17. All right. So you're kind of flying around. And yeah, you feel like as you kind of fly up you poke your head through the opening and all of a sudden you do hear thunder in the distance and wind

howling and then you kind of float down your feet it all instantly zaps away sounds like there's some kind of magical bubble and it is i would i would say and like when you use that to kind of put together the whole situation you're like our footballs have been pretty quiet too it's something is about the air is magically dead end in here still listening to listen hey all right so we're dead in the room should we maybe as a test because those of us who use verbal components of spells should we maybe as a test just practice saying something like are our voices removed we just could we just talk yeah well you can hear yeah like you guys can hear each other just fine but but um if you want to shout no not shouting

let it all out these are the things that we come on hey I'm talking to you come on Danny

right you're talking to Danny okay so we are... Okay, Winifred claps as Kweep descends from the ceiling, and she's like... Or maybe she snaps. She's really... Finger pistols. Yes.

Winks. Incredible work. Yeah, you notice... Thrilling to see you in flight. All of you are listening very carefully now to the room after creeping. Yeah, it does seem like the snaps are more of a dull, like, pop than usual. It's like being in that parking garage under the old knitting factory. Dan, just about, looks like about 20, 25 feet ahead of us, there are more staircases to our left and to our right.

Are they ascending or are they descending? They are ascending staircases that go up to what looks here. And if you want to move your tokens forward, it will help you visually know what to reveal. There you go, Friar Jolly. So they ascend up theseas, daisies, into what looks like two more sort of like viewing platforms in here. Uh-huh.

And up there, you think you might see some stone doors, but it's hard to tell without going up the stairs, especially with all the progress. It's not letting me move myself. Oh, I may have not assigned your token because I especially don't like you. Oh, wow. That's mean. Dan, in your initial description of the room, you said there was like on the far side, like another smaller chamber or something like that.

Like, do we see that in the distance? Yeah. Yeah. Here, I'll give you that too. So way up ahead, it's kind of hard to tell what the deal is, but you think you see some torches that are actively lit in the chamber, and there's some sort of like... Oh, hang on.

Actually, I almost revealed something that I'm not ready to reveal. But there's like an archway way, way ahead up top. Having a weird time. Those two square things are pillars, right? They go all the way up

to the top. That is correct. And yeah, now if you look all the way at the top of the darkened map, you should see. I'm going to try to give you way more visual, but I'm being very careful about what I reveal. Well, do people want to try one of these staircases? Yeah, I'm trying to look up. Go straight. I'm looking up this one on the right.

Yeah. We should ask that. Okay. Brabaz, what's the wizard's name? He's with us, right? Oh, Fizbang? Fizbort. Fizbort.

Oh, yes. What? So it's just the hallway again up here? Yeah, I just thought he might have an opinion. Hmm. I mean, I think if there's magical deadening here, we should be very careful. It's here for a reason

likely not to our benefit. If you understand my meaning. There's a chance it could be for the benefit of someone who wishes to be here and be... Well, first of all, great reference. Solid reference. The solid very old reference that our listeners appreciate. But, well, first of all, great reference, solid reference, the solid, very old reference

that our listeners appreciate. But, yes. There was this band called The Beatles. I think it is either to hide something that is nefarious, or to keep hidden

anyone who comes in here, if that makes sense. Okay. Okay. All right. Well, I will follow Queep up these side stairs and give him a good old look-see up there. Very well. And it's still quiet up there?

Yeah, it's still quiet. And as you look around up here there seems to be just tangles of brambles and then a couple of stone doors that look long long overgrown get right in front yeah you could you could definitely peel them open but um he's right here is that the door long overgrown doors with the same kind of dangerous thorny fine yeah and you know i'll i'll add that um there's just shadows everywhere here it's hard to kind of um see straight ahead sometimes you're ducking under branches as you move forward. The only clear path anyone's had thus far really is Queep when he flew up to the breaks in the ceiling. And even then, there were some low-hanging branches from tangles that had permeated the roof.

Does this... This looks like it connects back to the hallway. Yeah, is it the same plant? Can I still be talking to the same? You could give it a shot. Sure. Hi, we're inside now. Gorgeous.

Are you guys all connected? Are you part of the same community? Or is this one beautiful creature? I'd love to know more about you you get like this warm affirming pink feeling as if to agree with the concept you presented that they are they're all one oh great okay and do you have a job here do you um is there something that you're meant to be doing is there anything that we can help with? Oh yeah. Okay. You, as you, as you say,

if it has a job, you get, you get like this, this, uh, warm feeling, but, but it doesn't seem to understand when you say that there's something you can

help with. It doesn't seem like it's ready to do like transactional favors. No, I figured it's job is to like hurt people, but I just kind of wanted to come at that sideways. If, uh, if possible.

Sure. Sure. Uh uh are you happy you could ask what a job is for instance yeah yeah so like are you um you get this sort of blue uh aura coming from all the plants when you ask that question it seems like it is contented is peaceful um but you do get also a sense of uh it being proud that it holds strong um what and what is your job what are the what are the elements of your job uh for this one i'm going to ask you to do a arcana check. Because you're going to have to understand some sentient plant signals that it is attempting to

send that are more complex than just vibes. Yikes. He's got all the chlorophylls. Could he use some guidance on that one? Unfortunately, that's a nine. Alright, so you ask the question and you get a sense that it is when it says it is proud of being solid and protecting that it is not simply like protecting

your enemy or something it's not standing against anyone who comes here it is holding things back there is something beneath it that it is proud to be in between oh beneath it interesting yes i was wondering if it was holding up the walls but it seems like well i mean beneath as in like the other side too you know just in general but but sure sure um it does tell you that it is below and all around okay maybe it can tell us how to go below. And that is where we, oh, that's right, we wanted to go

because that's where we can see the liches. Okay, so, and what would be the best way for us to go below? I'd love to see more of your work.

When you ask this question, you hear some rustling in in the leaves like in the physical realm not just in your mind's eye and um i would say you could you know share this with everybody you're all kind of hearing it very quietly and then it stops but you're not sure what it means did we see it in a specific location you'd have to like kind of like look around i would to figure out he's trying to send you a Let's get an investigation check, eh? Everyone looks around, right? I totally heard it.

I give everybody guidance so they can add a D4 to their investigation. I'll actually have a bonus. Ooh. Oh, boy. 14 plus 5 is 19. Plus a bonus? Yeah, you can add the D4 if you want. We got a 19.

We got a 19. I got an 18. We got an 18. Do I got a 22? Do I got a 23? I got a 22. Oh! I don't want to brag.

I got like a 6. Ronnie. I'm trying what you get. Ronnie, what's a fearless leader rollins you're muted sir respectfully 13 ah gotcha well uh leading the charge is the person who asked the question you notice winifred there is um some blooms. They're not as bright pink as the ones in your mind, but they've got kind of like a light reddish hue to them that have appeared near the doors way, way ahead up top.

But, yeah, it feels unusual that it would do that in the physical realm rather than tell you so it feels like it's showing us where to go it's trying to it's trying to show you a direction it would suggest you're not sure if it's doing it with enthusiasm or implying it's safe right well said that way that's the information we have um i thank you i i'm gonna say thank you to the plant and ask it if it needs anything water um fertilizer of some kind non-organic fertilizer one more can of check for me one more human being ideally but and i heard last time you wanted something called guidance for arcanaana checks. Is that right? I don't want it. I just...

I'll give you Guidance, of course, anytime. I just love starting a fight between you two. I actually think it would have lasted from the last Guidance, right? Yeah, great. It lasts for a minute, but only once. You can only use it once within that minute. Got it. So that's another

22. I'm sorry. Ooh. Again, thank you for apologizing, Sarah, for that 22. I don't know what that Winifred really has a green thumb, which is really hard for me to apologize. I kill everything that I look at. And Ronnie's

so handsome. He's a real plant killer in another way, if you catch what I'm saying. Let's just say, fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa. You get this feeling that itself feels safe but that it's worried about you.

Oh. Concerned for or afraid of? It seems to think that you're in danger and that you don't understand something oh okay um i don't know does anyone have any thoughts about what how to sort of tease that out if there's something else in the room with us right is there something yeah is there something in particular um because again it would be really thrilling to be able to see the way that you're holding whatever the however they communicated this strong strength yeah yeah you're holding things back or up you you feel a drop in the pit of your stomach as if you're falling for a second and then you feel caught and it gives you

the sense it's trying to tell you there's something below that it is covering and that the thing below is dangerous. I'm wondering if this up ahead, this circular thing up ahead, does it look like a well or something or an opening?

Why don't we all get a perception check from everybody with this newfound information where you're searching for things such as Kweep is asking? Can I give guidance to these folks? Of course you can. Alright. Does the guidance apply to a botch?

Yeah, kind of. That's terrible. Okay, I got a four. With my guidance. Yeah, Dr. Kweep gets hot sauce in his eyes for some reason oh this will make people think i'm crying i got a what are we rolling sorry perception perception with guidance if you want okay cool i got a natural 20 plus five and then plus 3 I think for my guidance. Everyone stand down. Friar Jolly coming through. 28. Holy shit. It's up there.

Hold on to your ass, Fred. Alright. 15. Alright, so none of you, except for Dr. Uwud who again pulled a Benoit Blanc and just straight up went blind for a second. I really are lost, but prior Jolly, as one sort of looking around, you know, like a creep,

you're looking at this ridge, right? This sort of circular ridge that I'm going to ping. Yeah, this, yeah. It looks like it's a platform up to a second level, kind of like the one you just explored. Oh, okay. To the east-ish. oh okay the eastish uh to the north there's another one this is a this is like a sort of more regal formal looking ridge

implying that there are important things up that way to get up way up there by that archway you do see the little reddish blossoms um anyway back to friar jolly friar jolly you're kind of um now that you're you're like, ultra carefully listening, I was going to give this, if anyone, to be to 25, so huzzah. You're like, oh, it feels like there is some sort of vibration response every time I move my feet on the ground. Is it like tremors or shy halude? Great question.

You botched, so I won't answer it. I feel like the floor is going to just collapse under us. Maybe we should spread out. Keep moving forward, but maybe around the edge yeah no all right yeah i mean i guess i'm just be careful because i'm worried the floor is gonna drop apologies to sam my quick time exploded oh oh no yes Dan can I squeeze around the far side of this

uh pillar to keep moving forward or is that too viney so yeah you're trying to stop from going in this sort of main walkway

of stonework I was thinking skip into the edge but if it's not possible I'll I'll stick close. I'm going to say, dude, just give me a quick stealth check there, Firejolly. Oh, I rolled

those with disadvantage. That's because you have a sad legless boy strapped to your back. And tap shoes. So I rolled a six. You try to squeeze around and unfortunately

Lucas snags one of his sleepy arms on a branch and a whole bush kind of like has a branch snapped off of it and dully thuds to the ground behind you. And as it does, you feel like a little bit more vibration

than you'd like resounds up from the ground by your feet. And, Kweep, are you flying? Yeah, I would like to. Okay, so you're flying. You do not feel this, but Winifred, you're kind of up there a bit, and you also feel this, but Winifred, you're kind of up there a bit, and you also feel this. Is it... Can I do something right now?

I mean, we can all enact change. I'd like to get out the vote. I'm going to go door-to-door and start it up. Can I throw a fly on everybody? Ooh. On all of us? Yes.

Awesome. You can do that. That's cool. Recently done on a bonus episode by Black and Green also, if I'm not mistaken. I think somebody else put the fly on us. That was me. That was Rando. No, alright. It was me, Rando. But it did remind me that i can make more people fly uh yeah well that is crazy uh handy i i also feel like i should let you guys know that in

the dungeon master q a for the metal tier and above on patreon folks often say hey what if you told players that they can do this and i I often forget and don't write it down. But I will tell you, Blaine, while you're reminding me, someone recently wanted me to remind you, you have wild shape. And that could be helping you out in a massive amount of situations, which you do take advantage of. But someone out there wants you to know they're very enthusiastic about you continuing to take advantage of it. I just like to turn it into animals in my own time. I hear that. I understand. It's a very private thing sometimes.

Very private thing. Because I have to take my pants off. And it's just awkward. Oh, and again, I have a quick meta aside. If any of you have quick time recording and it tells you how far we are in the episode, that's usually how I track

how far we are into the episode. And my quick time is just legit not working. We're at 42, 28. Thank you. So yeah, you, um,

you all begin to float up off the ground bunk included, uh, your, your wizard friend, Fizzport included when, um, you all sort of start to lift up though. You do feel all of you, the ground

starting to shake. Can I get an initiative from everybody? Good boy. Yeah, a big ol' boy. 8 plus 3, 11. Cool. 8 plus 2, 10.

Cool. You can all just shout it out this time. It's already started. 17. Okay. 22. What you got, Chris? That's terrible.

Boo. Well, I got that kid on my back. Grabbing branches. Well, I do that kid on my back grabbing branches. Well, I do have good news. The thing that I'm rolling did not roll great.

But you'll find out soon-ish what that is. Just one sec. I do more meta stuff. Boop, boop, boop. Okay. So, I am going to tell y'all that you did pretty good with those initiatives,

so it is not going to go first. But Winifred, I'm going to need a dexterity saving throw. I mean,, 23 man That's a natural 20 plus 7 So 27 Oh holy shit You dive backwards As something massive explodes forth

From the ground Creating a big hole In the middle of the chamber Something with a horrifyingly large carapace. Oh, I hate the word carapace. I think it's actually pronounced carapace,

but it jumps up. Rocks fly everywhere. Those of you who are a little bit farther away manage to dodge it pretty easily. And Friar Jolly, although you are very close, the pillar next to you does not Jolly, although you are very close, the pillar next to you does not tumble, and you are able to sort of dodge a lot of the debris

that is happening, exploding right next to you. So you all see a huge creature roaring in front of you. Ooh. Purple Worm, Purple Worm. Uh-oh. Shy Halude. More like a party hallooed

Get a couple of drinks in him He's not shy hallooed Brian Posehn of Nerd Poker With Brian Posehn and friends You are first Alright Is he close Oh well I mean are you on roll 20, sir?

I haven't checked. Yeah. Yeah, I am. Great. So, I have your token kind of at the base of the stairs. He is a little farther from you than everywhere else, uh, from where you've got yourself currently. Um, he is 40 feet from you.

All right. Uh... he is 40 feet from you. All right. Then I'll try to get closer and then swing. Great. So let's see. What is your movement? Is it 40 feet? Because you can maybe run up to him and hack him. Yeah.

You're flying, so I think it is 40 feet. Okay, cool. Yeah, I'll fly over there him and hack him. Yeah. You're flying, so I think it is 40 feet. Okay, cool. Yeah, I'll fly over there and swing on him. You got 40 feet. So, sweet. Drop your token where exactly you'd like to be for strategic purposes. I can't find the page right now. I'm looking for it.

Fuck, sorry. The nerd poker? Oh, the tab? Oh, gotcha. You're tab hunting. Well, I'll tell you. It's kind of straight ahead. Do you want to be sort of in the center of it? A little bit left, a little bit of the tab? Oh, gotcha. You're tab hunting. Well, I'll tell you, it's kind of straight ahead. Do you want to be sort of in the center of it?

A little bit left, a little bit of the right. All right, there I am. Go up? Where everybody else is? Yeah, you want to be on the edge of that giant square, right? So just pick a spot. You got just enough movement to just sort of get that edge of it. You can't really go around it yet.

You got just enough movement to just sort of get that edge of it. You can't really go around it yet. Flying against a giant purple worm. It's fun combat. Bow bow. You're welcome for that song. Thank you so much. Brian,

roll them attacks. Cool. I'm going to swing on it now. With your arm blade, yes. Yes. Sorry. Moving everything around.

God, now I can't find... Oh, frustrating. Sorry, buddy. I can't find the D&D page. Oh, frustrating. Sorry, buddy. The DMD page. Hey, Blaine, what was this pause brought to us by?

This pause brought to us by Tushy, the vape bidet. And potable water. Say goodbye to non-potable water with potable water. Drink it up. I think those two products would go well together. I wish I could do dog hot dogs again.

Holy shit. I got a 20, my friends, and then a plus seven. Yes. 27 to hit is a hit. Yes. Roll your damage. Dog hot dog. And then what do I double?

You're going to double the dice damage only, not the bonus to the attack. Okay. So, 14 plus 3, 17. Alright.

So, you just slash at its belly It's pretty giant and fucking massive No blood spurts forth or anything but you nail it with some solid damage You got some bonus attack shit you want to do with Flurry of Blows style? Uh, yeah Hit me with it

If you can. Bull. I don't know what's going on. I'm hitting it, but it's not. There we go. Botchy boo. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Okay. So roll 100, please. bocce boo oh no yeah okay so roll a 100 please

uh it doesn't let you do that here does it oh yeah there we go there is like a custom dive button yes you got this, Roddy! Oh my god. Am I gonna kill

another yen? The fucking 95. Oh, shit. Alright. So, I'm going to I'm gonna roll the damage, Brian. but would you do me a favor

and roll a d6 because each of the six sides is going to represent something narratively you're going to hate this Dan's bedside manner I'm a great doctor I kill you all the time six okay no I'm a great doctor! I kill you all the time! Six. Okay.

No. Okay. So... You, um... First of all... are going to take... A vacation in Belize? Nope. 23 points of slashing damage. Your blade goes for it,

and it just pangs hard off of this thing's natural armor. You slip, and your arm blade goes right into your left shoulder, and you don't just cause that damage, but you hit a nerve. And I'll leave it to you whether or not you want to pull the arm blade out, but it definitely occurs to you. This could be a problem and you have no feeling in your left arm. All right.

Sorry, buddy. Could have been worse. Brian sent me such an angry letter. Is this a cure wounds kind of fix, do you think? Great question. Let's find out on the next episode. No, just kidding. But up next is Sarah.

Okay. You definitely see this. But up next is Sarah. Okay. You definitely see this. It happens right in front of you. But he's like conscious and everything, right? Yeah, but again, I would say anyone who witnessed this would be like, oh, that blade's gonna hurt coming out.

And oh, I'll let Brian decide how much Ronnie might cry out or what he might say. but he might want to alert everybody of this. Okay. Say something fucking awesome, I bet. So I guess then I'm going to fly over to him and cure wounds on him. Okay. Roll that cure wounds.

Okay, I got to do it at second level so I'm now I gotta cast it with a furt and let me know if you're doing anything medicine wise because you'll want to do a medicine check with that too it's a little different than just the hit points well I guess I would

bind I don't know if that is necessary for me to bind as well as during wounds but um yep medicine is to like do the physical uh I don't know if that is necessary for me to bind as well as during wounds, but, um, yeah, medicine is to, is to like do the physical, uh, like more permanent stuff.

Okay. Well then I would also, yeah, I would try to figure out his arm and then give him 12 points back, but also do, I guess do a medicine check here to try to do that. Um, that's,

I will, I will allow you to do that also with the test and not make it like a second action. Um, 18, 15, please. I will allow you to do that also with the test and not make it like a second action. 18? 15. 15? Mm-hmm. Okay.

With that kind of medicine check, you can stop the bleeding by doing a really quick wrap with some spare, you know, improvised gauze. But rather than pull it out, you're kind of like, oh, this is going to take a lot of effort to pull out and not kill him. You can just tell. It's like maybe right next to a lung. Okay.

Well, that's all I can do anyway. I don't have any bonus actions. And he has enough hit points back. I mean, there's stuff Ronnie could do. But yeah, Ronnie, I would think, is in a bit of a sticky wicket. And I will tell you, Brian, I think if you detached your arm blade,

because it is like, you know, detachable, you could reach for another weapon with your right arm, but your left arm is, it's hanging loose at the moment, not falling off, but can't move. Gotcha. Anything else, Sarah? That's all I can do.

Yeah. And up next in the turn order is going to be Blaine. I am going to... Can I ask you something, Dan? can I ask you something, Dan? When I call lightning, everything within a five foot radius of the target has to roll a dexterity

thing. Is there a way for me to specifically aim the lightning at a different part of this thing that's away from the people who are attacking it? Oh, yeah, I mean, this thing is just as you can tell, fucking massive. By the way, enjoy the pug crying because it heard a car in the distance.

Dogs, I just surround myself always with very nervous creatures. Let's see. You're telling me about I've been boarding Don Knotts for the last four months. Yeah, I mean, this is 120 foot range. You could just totally have the lightning come right out of the ceiling and just smash the top of this thing, which is easily 100 or more feet up in the air.

Then that's what I'm doing. I'm calling some lightning. Hey, lightning! What? That is a dexterity saving throw or 3d10 lightning damage on each

on each one of your turns until the spell ends you can use your action to call down lightning in this way again blah blah blah right because there's like a storm and shit so dexterity saving throw is going to be a 14 what's that spell save DC my spell save DC? My spell save DC

is a 15. So it fails. Takes full damage. What was that damage again you said? That is going to be 3d10. Roll it. 777, 21.

Nice. And jackpot. Yeah, I know. It's like, get me to prim. I don't go all the way to Vegas. That's for tourists. It squeals like a plow cutting through sheet metal as you smash it with this lightning bolt. And its head, which had still been sort of arcing upwards, slowly turns towards you,

Dr. Hewitt. And we'll have to find out what that means for you on the next episode of, if I may, nerdy poker. I have the damage for you, Brian. I have it.

I only did the part that you, you, you didn't like the least when I said nerdy. I didn't say pokes. Yes, you did. You just did. You just said it. They're just words. I'm being dumb. Okay, good. Yeah, let's talk plugs. What do you got? Let's see. Derek Sheen's show finally has a flyer that I'm going to pull

right on up we're going to be at a show that he's calling the friendship tour let's see it's at the yard theater so that is going to be do do do do do do one of those shows.

It's Saturday the 14th. Saturday the 14th, I'll be at the Yard Theater with Derek Sheen, Joanne Schindlerly, Andy Peters, and a bunch of other people. What city is that in? Los Angeles, California. Oh, it is. I'm not familiar with the Yard. It's cool.

What if you texted Derek to see if there was room on the show? If you were, I won't be here. I will be in, um, Louisville playing a club in Louisville, whatever the club's called. Uh,

you would get that information on Brian, same.com. I've got a Tacoma coming up in the year and, uh, some other shit, a place in Illinois. I've never been year, and some other shit. A place in Illinois I've never been to. I think Batavia. That's within Guy O'Belum.

Most of my shows are with Johnny Taylor. We've got to get Johnny on the show. Funny, funny dude. And then I'm writing a ton of comic books. I just turned in the script for issue three of Grommets, and I'm really proud of it. And first issue should be out in the spring. That's it for now.

Oh, and you can get Poseidon on Grotta currently. You can watch my new special kind of anywhere right now. Nice. Anybody else? I think we're good. Blaine, what's happening in the future? We attribute the success to save mankind from death.

Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. All the next Nerd Poker. Brian severs a nerve in his shoulder. Sarah chats up a tree. Blaine's joke bot. Oh, that's today's nerd poker. All this and two dogs find a

trench coat and get elected governor on the next nerd poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416.

Thanks for listening.