Nerd Poker - S5E25 What a Wormhole

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

Well, it was bound to happen. A gigantic classic monster exploded up from beneath the royal hall, and is taking chomps from our heroes. As long as everyone rolls well this should all be fine. Right? For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everyone. I'm Brian Pussain. You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker.

My friends are here. Look at them. He's shaking his head, you son of a bitch. What's up, Chris? Hi, how are you, Brian? How are you doing, pal? I'm excellent. Good to see you.

Keeping warm. It's a lovely day. It's a new year. It's a whole new thing. Ken's here. It's a new... Hi, what's going on? How are you doing?

Just having a little sing. Nice. Dan's here right next to you. Oh, God. I'm only happy next to you. Oh, God. I'm only happy when it rains. Oh, Jesus. Dude, yeah. Welcome to Goth Corp with Dan.

That's what I'm listening to today. Yeah, it's raining over here. That's not goth, dude. That's not goth. Garbage is the most goth man around. What are you talking about? Yeah, this is also how goths talk. Real loud and enthusiastic.

You have not met a goth, have you? I was a goth for much of my youth and I've forgotten. I need to go read a Wikipedia article. Yeah. Come over. I'm having a Sisters of Mercy party at noon. Sarah's here.

I'm more of a front 242 goth. Oh, nice. How are you sarah i'm doing well do you ever have goth period um i definitely i mean not true goth but i definitely shopped a lot at hot topic in my late teens early 20s but i was very into like 70s power pop and like stiff records elvis costello like that was the music i was into was more pop than god right right but you did dress in black when i met all of you i definitely wore chains i had a stud one of those studded bracelet you know a little spiky bracelet thing for sure very cool uh blaine's here oh hi brian, Brian. How you doing? How are you, buddy? Good to see you.

I'm good. You too. I went through my goth period just a couple of weeks ago. Really, really into George Jones. That's the true goth. It really is. George Jones is on the cash. He stopped loving her today.

Holy shit. This is the most depressing fucking song ever. You know why? Because he's dead. That's why he stopped loving her. The only way he can stop loving her is death. Country's so fucking badass. The real country.

They don't mention that her husband had to kill him. Let's get started. Let's get it started. Let's get it started in here. Oh, yeah. Sam also. I keep forgetting him now. He used to hate it when he'd get forgotten. I can see his picture right there.

Well, not his picture. His live visage and now uh he's nowhere to be seen so he's easily forgotten sorry pal just to be clear sam still love it loves us but uh for a variety of reasons his workspace and his work machines are going through a lot of flux and so uh as much as he would love to say hello he is often dealing with a lot of tech stuff and so he is in our zoom but he is juggling like a bunch of other projects and equipment while he's recording so he still has a job we're not on yearwolf anymore we're doing this independently and then he still works for the man. The man named Scott Ackerman. We've been away from Earwolf now longer than we were on it,

but at the same time, he's still there. Yep. What a trooper. Cool. Let's do episode 25. Let's thank some people, though, first, right? Oh my gosh. What a joyful episode it's been so far and let's just keep on rocking let's get down to those patreon supporters we love so much who go

by names like you can keep your two fingers give me a rat punch in the b-hole what's a rat punch is that like a tiny little tiny fist that's a one finger punch oh thank you ali ali bo bally punch. Oh, no. Thank you, Allie Allie Boballi. Thank you 15 Miles to the Roar Shack. Thank you, Twinkle Cherry. Thank you, Dr. Uid's Mortuary and Pizza Shop. Yesterday's loss is today's sauce. I'm not sure why Dr. Uid is in charge of that. Thank you,

Smegmis Grundlegunge for slicking your hair back with a handful of snot. Thank you, Zach Mouadweeb. Thank you, David W. Books. Thank you, your local Coca-Cola guy. Thank you, Pants.

I'm wearing them. That last part was just a personal endorsement. Thank you, Sweet Heat Skeechels. Thank you, Blair Campbell. Thank you, Tyler Carter. Thank you, executive producer Wolf Dick. Thank you, Tyler Carter. Thank you, executive producer Wolf Dick.

My favorite Law & Order spinoff is just all Wolf Dick. Thank you, Winchester Chesterfield Fieldhouse. Thank you, Megadong Panga Lake, the lake with a big flat wiener and long balls like Brian. Thank you, Lucifer's Lusty Lardass. Thank you, Larry Beatnall. Thank you, Meow Meow Beans Danny Five. you lucifer's lusty lard ass thank you larry beatnall thank you meow meow beans danny five thank you ramen the dogs lowdown koreatown butter knife incident thank you sparky the unicorn of woe and finally thank you toss a boing cone to your bunkle oh rider of donkeys oh rider of donkeys

what a great crossover of Donkey Land and The Witcher. Hey, Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Those Patreon supporters brought to us by the Shoes app. Download the latest in comfort for your feet with the Shoes app. The 2D printer from HP looks good on paper. 2D printer.

And Monster Energy PM. Go to sleep, you fucking pussy! Dan? Wonder if Brian's flat penis works with a 2D printer. That's all I can think of. It does. I think that Brian's muted. Okay.

We got our answer. Speaking of answers, let's talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Our heroes went into this big overgrown chamber and a big fucking worm bit him on the dinghole. Also, that's not exactly what happened. I was just trying to think of a really fun, abstract way of putting it. It went on the dinghole.

Anyway. It's unfortunate, but Ronnie N's got a big old iron blade in between his upper ribs, and it's a little bit of a pain in the ass, but we're just starting this battle, so let's get down to it. Up next in the turn order is none other

than Queep the beautiful bird. Raging! Raging and attacking. I'd love to see it. Using the boomerang feature of my blade of kukla sickness that sounds like a haunted pie boomerang oh sorry my move my mic muted Roll to attack. I wish you would. That's a 11.

Okay. Well, that is a miss. Alright. Want to go ahead and give us that second attack? Sure. Let's hope this one's better. I'll pray for you. And it's worse. A six.

Oh no! So the blade of Kukla just pangs, pangs off of it. It sort of, uh... Well, that was fun. ...flies towards you at a rakish angle. I'll just stay over here now. Okay. Um, up next in the turn order is gonna be...

Fizzbort. So Fizzbort is going to attempt spell... He's going to scoot up a little bit first. Okay, so he gets a little bit closer and he tries to cast something. You see

a bolt of energy fly out of his staff and smash into the purple worm. Up next, Bunk is going to run or fly as fast as he can. He's flying too, right? How many flies can you duel up?

He's not as many as you. He's flying. Six, right? Yeah. So, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. So, yeah. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. So, um, yeah, one, two, three, four, five. One is... I'm flying on my own.

Yeah, so that's perfect. Um, he is going to fly right up to this thing. Um... Flap to the thing and dish you! So, he gets two hits And I'm gonna say because Brian got a crit Last episode and I didn't give him

The fun hundred sided roll Um what you did Was you knocked like a big Chunk of armor almost Completely off of one segment of him Brian and um when Bunk hits it with his two swords, you hear this

disgusting, moist crunch as it gets lopped off of his segment. It's about like a five by five foot of purple plate just goes like, onto the ground.

And that is going to do it for Bunk's turn. You like cinnamon moist? Thanks for loosening it. You like cinnamon moist, Crunch? Fryer Jolly, it's your moment. Awesome. I'm going to... Now, how far can I fly?

Is it 40 feet? I believe so. All right. All I really need to do is just sort of fly out to get a clear line of sight on the thing. And I'm going to cast. You guys can go 60 feet. Cool. So I'm definitely up off the ground.

So maybe let's say I'm like 30 definitely up off the ground so maybe let's say like i'm like 30 feet up off the ground uh and so i'll come out from uh the far side of my pillar and i'm gonna cast a fireball against this thing it needs and i'm gonna i know because it's so big and i and the plants are here i want to cast it in such a way where the center point is almost kind of above the worm so that the worm is getting all the fireball and our friend, the murderous tree, is being spared fireball. Does that make sense? I'll say that's an easy shot to call. Right. At least currently because it is really up out of the ground and exposed.

That's great. Thank you, Dan. It does a dex save, yeah. It's a dex save. It has to make a DC 17 dex save. That's going to be a 16 minus 2. You're in the clear for massive dam dams. Okay, so it's 8d6 fire damage.

A total of 31 points. Yes! All right, so you're just just gonna nuke this guy. Yeah. The silver flame hates you, you worm! And then I will fly back, again using, uh, to use that

pillar for cover. Um, so I'm out of line of sight of the purple worm. That's my turn. Lovely. Up next is the purple worm. He definitely had his attention caught by that fireball,

so he's going to attempt to smash through this pillar and attack you. Oh, shit. So first he's going to do a little strength check. shit. So first he's going to do a little strength check. It's going to be an 11 plus nine. That'll do it. So fidouche. Um, this thing, uh, collapses, uh, and I'm going to just really quick. So we don't forget, do a little bit of a cross out of the pillar with my digital pen. And he's going to come over there and start biting at you. Okay. It's going to be a 34 to hit.

a 34 to hit. I'm going to use my warding flare when I'm attacked by a creature that can be blinded within 30 feet of me that I can see. I can use my reaction to impose disadvantage on the attack roll. I basically, for a moment, glow bright with the light of the silver flame and make him roll a second time. Okay. Believe it or not, although he is not drawn with eyeballs, he is not immune to blindness.

Good. I was hoping. That is going to reduce his attack to a 28 to hit. Shit. I don't have 28 armor class. What is your armor class? 21? Not bad.

Yeah, so there's a solid chance you'd miss, but unfortunately this is going to be roughy. So, he bites you. It's going to be 22 points of piercing damage. I say IE. I'm going to also now need

a dexterity saving throw from Friar Jolly. Dexterity saving throw... 17. All right. Fortunately, you need a 19. Oops. All right. Fortunately, you need a 19. Oops. All right.

You all see Friar Jolly fly behind this pillar. And almost immediately afterwards, the worm smashes through it and just clamps his whole mouth around Friar Jolly and rocks its head back and gulps. And Luke. Right? Because Luke is strapped to my back. Lucas is also in there. Yes. In its mouth?

You're definitely inside of the purple worm. You're not sure if it's the mouth, the throat, or the belly exactly, but you are in there. Oh. Okay. You son of a bitch! It is

also now going to pivot over to Bunk, who just hit it before that. He's going to attempt to smash Bunk with his tail. And that's

going to be 22 to hit. Damn. And Bunk is going to take Oh! Pretty mild 15 points of piercing damage, but he's now going up to do a constitution saving throw.

Oh, that's not good. So he's also poisoned, unfortunately. So he doesn't look like he's badly injured, but you do hear him gasp with concern when he gets hit. So, up next is Brian.

Muted. You're muted, though. Hey. Hi. Sorry. Hello. Shit. There's not much I can do, right?

Well, I'm still... No, there is. If my name was Brian Posehn, what I would do is focus on my wound and do maybe a medicine check on myself. That's my suggestion as a helpful dungeon master. Or get out. Or you can use

your action instead to disengage and book it for safety. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I'll get out of the way. Now you can fly 60 feet, so you can get pretty far away. And you can also get up in the air, so it's hard to reach you.

And then what else do I need to do? I need to pull... Medicine check? Yeah. How do I do a medicine check? Well, you're examining... And Winifred's kind of bounded a bit for you, so it's not openly bleeding, but

what you would be trying to do as you fly backwards is try to somehow catch the wound as you pull this out and pinch it shut. It will take another turn to try to stitch it, but both of those are going to be relatively difficult medicine checks and you

won't like kill yourself if you, Oh, beautiful. Okay. So here's what's going to happen. First of all, can you show me on the map where you want to fly? And I'm actually going to open up the whole map.

Cause you're all flying around enough at this point that you can see everything. Just straight back from where I am. Okay. Like 60 feet back from where I am. Like 60 feet back from where I am right there. Okay. What would that be like here? You can go

farther back than that if you really want to. There we go. Yes. Yes. With an 18, you get your arm blade out. It's really difficult, though. You're like, shit. So you go shook,

and then with your hand, you're holding the wound shut. You no longer have the blade in you. However, you've still got one dead arm and you've got your other arm occupied holding the wound shut. On another medicine check on another turn, you could

try to do something more, but at this point, you're kind of going to need someone else to help you out. I'll hang back there until somebody can help me. Yeah. But thank goodness you rolled high yeah so up it's gonna be sarah

hello um i'm gonna go ahead and pull out all the stops here and cast raul thim's psychic lance at using a fifth level slot at fourth level on this thing cool that sounds so

badass yeah i love when there's a spell i haven't heard of before there's so many damn spells yeah i'm gonna unleash a at fourth level on this thing. Cool. That sounds so badass. I love that there's a spell I haven't heard of before. There's so many damn spells. Yeah, I'm gonna unleash a shimmering lance of psychic power from my forehead at a creature that I can see with an inch. What's cool about this spell, too, is that I could also just utter a creature's name

and it will become the spell's target even if I can't see it. But this time I can see it, and I'm going to do this. Intelligence saving throw. Okay. You're not going to believe this, but this thing has an intelligence of 39 JK.

So that is going to be a 3. Okay, so I assume that he failed that, in which case now he's going to be a three. Okay. So I assume that he failed that, in which case now he's going to take 7d6 psychic damage and will be incapacitated until the start of my next turn. Whoa! Sick!

Let's see. Actually, it's going to be 8d6. I'm casting it at this level. Oh, fuck. Right, right. Upper level. But it's not. I mean, it's still d be 8d6 I'm casting it at this level oh fuck right right but it's not I mean it's still d6 it's not so that's 20 points of damage but I feel like more importantly he is incapacitated till the start of my next turn

oh right how does the song go as you do you sing or do you utter a poet poem as yeah I guess she's going to be I mean this is coming like shooting straight out of her forehead. That's some wild stuff. So she's sort of like,

oh, these are the wrong gods. But just insert... Like Zeus birthing Athena, I send forth my greatest warrior, my mind, at you, oh foul beast. Fall and do not move again.

And then he falls. And what color is this psychic lance that smashes into it, all Psylocke style? Glittery! Great. So it's incapacitated. And did you say there was a damage number for this sucker?

So 20 points of damage, and it's incapacitated until the beginning you say there was a damage number for this sucker? 20 points of damage and it's incapacitated until the beginning of my next turn. Damn. You did say that. I am just checking. Got it. Up next in the turn order is going to be Blaine. Hi.

Hey, hi. I'm going to keep calling some lightning. Great. So I guess another constitution saving throw? Or dexterity? He is restrained, so that's an automatic fail. Give me that damage. Eleven. Not a lot, but some. Yeah.

Kadush gets hit. And I feel like we should this is something i feel like i i don't want to mess up because listeners definitely know the answer if he um if he uses call lightning again if that is his action on each of your turns till the

spell ends You can yeah Use your action To call down like So that is your turn Unless you've got Bonus action stuff Or you want to fly around I'm okay thanks

Okay Up next is going to be I had lunch before Hmm Ken Queef Yes I will Attempt to retrieve

Friar Jolly from the Is he still in the jaws of the thing? He has disappeared into it, yeah. So let's see. Since it's incapacitated. I would think you'd be like, okay, there's really only two ways to get him out. Is to go in yourself, which you don't think would work really great. Or to just attack it until you hit it hard enough that it'll belch him out is to go in yourself, which you don't think would work really great, or to

just attack it until you hit it hard enough that it'll belch him out. Or kill it. You might be able to climb out too now, right? Now that it's... That's a great question. So you are...

Yeah. You are blinded and restrained, but if he is restrained, I will give you a shot. Yeah. Do them attacks, Squeeps. Okay. Here's one.

That's a 16. That's a 16. That's a miss. And a... Oh, queep. Sweet queep. 16. Oh, man. I'm so sorry, but that is also...

You know, Winifred, you've just watched Queep Miss four times. She's your hero. Christ. I avert my my eyes I didn't see anything uh um but up next is Fizbort and Bunk so Fizbort is going to

uh try to zap it with this green smoky bolt. And he does, it's important how much damage he does for our jolly sake. Oh, 25 points. Not quite enough to make a belch.

And bunk. All right. and bunk. Alright, same thing. They both get really good hacks at it being restrained and all, but it is not down or vomiting at the moment. And so after this... That's one of us.

You are now, Chris, going to take some acid damage. That's how you want to play it, man. It is. You're going to take 15 points of acid damage. Acid damage. Got it. Yes. All right.

I'm down to 38 hit points. Up next is Brian. Who's muted? Hey. Hi. How are you? Pretty good. Things are going well. So you're pinching your wound shut.

I will say this. If you were pinching your wound shut. I will say this. If you were to try to do... Do you need a medicine check? Well, that's the thing. Because you've got basically both your hands completely occupied, this would require you to try to stitch your own wound

while pinching it shut. That would be like a medicine check of like a 25. To try to do. Like, so unless you've got like a plus five or six to your medicine, it's, it's, it's too hard.

I do. Oh no, I have a three. Shit. Yeah. So I would think you, you need help. It's not as hard for someone else because they have hands that are less.

Help. Um, yeah. Say, say it with all your actions. that are less... Help! Yeah. Say it with all your actions. Up next is... You can move around if you'd like to take cover or move to someone specific, but it looks like Doctor Who is right next to you and he's poised to help.

Yeah, I would ask somebody to help me, but then... Let's see. You don't say. One second. One second. I'm just looking to see if I have something else I can do. What can't you do, Ronnie?

He doesn't really have anything he can throw. Yeah, so, like, you could try if you did have something, but you would take some bleeding out damage if you... Oh, okay. Well, no, so I'm just going to chill and wait for somebody to help me, I guess. Got it. That sucks. Yes.

You can hold your action. All right, whatever. I'll give you that. So, bring that note down. Winifred, you hear a cry from help behind you. And you're up. Oh, and I'm up. Yeah.

Okay, so... I tried to do that all subtle. Well, so, unfortunately unfortunately that also means then that is the beginning of my turn he's gonna become ununcapacitated unincapacitated right wait i think we skipped my turn yeah that's why oh we did i am so sorry let's back it up a little bit uh chris yeah um this wouldn't affect Brian's turn too much, but I will have you do. This is going to be a

strength check equal to the constitution saving throw that he would have to make to not throw you up if he took 30 or more points of damage. So you need a 21 DC strength check. I have to 21 DC strength check.

I have to make a strength check. Okay, just a straight strength check. Yes. Well, man. I'll back up. I'll let it be in athletics if that gives you any additional bonus to that roll. Nope, same bonus. And I believe

we can end the combat because I got a four. Got it. Um, yeah, you implode because I was so low. Just kidding. Nothing really happens, but you're unable to crawl out. Um. I can't cast a spell or anything like that? Uh, you are, well, oh yeah, let's see.

You are... I, yeah, let's see. You are... I have disadvantage on attack. What is it? I'm... You're blinded and restrained. So, yeah. Restrained means your speed is zero. Attack rolls have

advantage against you. And I have disadvantage on attack rolls and disadvantage on dexterity saving throws but yeah you can use that action yeah what I would like to try and do is even with disadvantage try and make an attack roll

what I assume to be is down in the fuckers gullet to try and blow the shit out of it above your head basically because you're kind of upside down in the fuckers gullet to try and blow the shit out of it and make them above your head basically. Cause you're kind of upside down. Oh,

fun. Okay. So I'm going to chew. Um, I guess my best attack spell would be guiding bolt. I will do guiding bolt at if I do third level, then it's

66. That sounds pretty... And what do I need to try and beat here? 30 points of damage, did you say? If you can get more than 30 points of damage, he has to make a constitution saving throw to keep you down. That's if anyone hits him for 30.

Got it. I will then do it at... Can I cast a fireball inside his and burn his little asshole from inside? I'll allow it, but you watch yourself, McCoy. Alright, so then he has to make a

dexterity saving throw from a fireball inside his body that's what D&D is all about yes he's gonna save or fail that automatically man he can't do shit sweet alright so I'm gonna cast

that at I guess we'll do that at 4th level 96 30 points on the nose alright so he's still got a he's still got a miss it's a 21 DC throw yeah and he has

a plus 6 to his constitution overrated oh he rolls a 4 baby so um uh you all see Oh, he rolls a four, baby. So, um, uh, you all see this restrained worm. He's just about to

break free of his spell when all of a sudden he roars and Friar Jolly with like a rocket trail of flame coming out of your hands above your head. You upside down fly out of your hands above your head. You upside down fly

out of this thing. Be cursed out? I love it. I'm going to need you to do a dexterity saving throw to not smash into something because although you do have fly on you, you are through force being just shooting out of this thing's mouth. Dexterity saving throw, right?

Yep, and we're going to give this a pretty simple DC of 12. 17. 17. Great. So yeah, you spin around for a bit, but you managed to right yourself. What happened? What happened? That's a Lando in knee and numb cheering.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. You're up, Winifred. Finally. Okay, so just to be clear, I know that Ronnie's asking for help. Is he stable? If he's out? I'm just wondering whether it makes more sense to try it.

But I would say you can tell when you look back he's got one arm just limp and he's completely unable to defend himself. I definitely want to help him, but I don't know if we should perform surgery while we're in that like you know what i mean like if i if i fail isn't it better to get rid of the worm i guess i just have to decide this for myself well here's the thing you may have noticed from brian succeeding a medicine check

this is not so much like a um uh like, big danger of fucking up thing is like, you just have to make a different medicine check for you. It's going to take several actions, right? There's several turns. So each time you get a successful medicine check, you're doing part of the job. Okay.

Um, and I guess I will turn to Brian reluctantly turning my back on the center stage action that's happening and moving down stage into the shadows. And she's going to do the medicine check to try to take this thing out.

Sounds good. And remind me, is it unrestrained at the beginning of your turn? Yeah. Alright, so there's going to be a little bit of an attack of opportunity against you. Unless you've got something that I need to know about in the way of disengaging. Just that I will, when it...

Yes, I do have a... No, I mean, it's going to get an attack of opportunity, yes. When it takes that attack of opportunity, let me know, but don't tell me the role it has done the role okay so then i am going to use um as my reaction um when a creature that i can see within 60 feet makes an attack roll ability check or damage roll i can expend one use of bardic inspiration and subtract that number from the creature's roll.

Nice. What's your AC? My AC is only 14, so... Okay. This is doable, I'll say that. So that's the D8. Yeah,

sorry, you're taking 2 off of of that it's gonna be a 13 hit oh that's a miss yes so let's uh let's fly towards ronnie yes and then i'm going to do a medicine check for ronnie oh no well this is my what i was afraid

of i botched Oh boy Yep that's really the only way this could Have gone south um and it Happened so let's get that uh 100 Your other arm is gone Oh Low low low low

Low low low low Oh that's good It's only a 94. Oh, boy. Wow. I feel so terrible for what's about to happen. Okay. Two episodes in a row, we both went that high. That's insane.

Okay. Oh, my God. Sarah, will you also- I mean, I guess chances are one in 10 that you'll be in the 90s, but it's still... Okay. Normally this is for when you're holding a weapon, but this is going to be something that happens to you as a result of

Ronnie's arm blade being attached to the hand that you're working close to. So could you please roll a d6 to see what part of your body is affected by this? Sorry. Am I rolling d6? see what part of your body is affected by this. Sorry. Am I rolling d6? You sure are. Okay.

Thanks for helping. It's not your fault. I tried. That's a 3. I feel awful though. A 3? Yeah. Wow. Okay. So um you're trying

to, you know, like, just, like, pull out your basic kit and just, like, start stitching, and your finger slips on the blood, and, um, you smash your hand into his arm blade, and you, uh, take

18 points of slashing damage and lose three fingers. Oh, no! Jesus. Left hand. Okay. Well, I wrap up the fingers.

Pinky through middle. You still got finger guns. You still play your bard like Django Reinhardt. You still play your loot. Wango Reinhardt So play your loot Wrapping up the fingers Wrapping them up Saving them Jesus Christ

Be sure to keep them in milk until you get to the dentist Put them in a bag with a kid's foot Fingers are going back on Jesus There's a brain in a jar in here somewhere too right pretty sure we'll have our own Frankenstein in a couple of minutes really feeling

really hearing what my own lapse of discomfort sound like these last couple of episodes alright so you bag your fingies and that'll do it for your turn. Next is going to be Blaine.

Hey, Blaine. Hey. How's it going? Good. Brian and Grima are right next to me, right? Not Grima. Oh, I'm sorry. I know who you met. Can I do a Cure Wounds on just one person, or two people, or just one person?

I guess I'm going to shut down the Call Lightning and take care of these guys. Rules say a creature, so you're going to have to pick a person. Now, you don't have to stop doing call lightning to cast cure wounds okay I'm going to cure wounds on Brian then you're just not going to be able to use it yeah I'll do that please

this is for Brian 1d8 plus my spellcasting modifier which is 8 plus 15. Great, so 15 points. Healing to you, RonnieN. Cool. Thanks, Blaine. Sure, sure. 15 or 16 sorry 15

lovely will that do it for you boy uh yeah i guess that like sexually does that do it for you okay oh it's also your turn okay yes my thing all right uh up next is creeps thing. Alright. Thanks, guys. Up next is Creeps. Alright. You probably hear some yelping in the distance behind you. Well, since he's incapacitated, I'm going to attack him. He's no longer

incapacitated. Oh, he's not? Yeah. Until the top of Winifred's next turn, which is him. Alright, then I'm still going to do the distance attack with the boomerang. Okay. Maybe. Did you just back away from him? I moved myself up, but then you said that he's

incapacitated, so I moved myself back where I was. Yes. Because I was going to do a hands up. I see what happened, and I am not going to take an attack of opportunity against you, even though I would really love to just name everyone in this episode.

Alright, let's see if I can get anything on him. Oh, thank goodness, that's a 20. Not natural. That's a hit. It's a hit, though. Unnatural, 20. Worm has an arm class of

18. Armor class. 12. 12 points of slashing damage. Yes, and again I will... On the way back. That's a botch, Dan. Uh-oh. That is a botcherino.

Calling it now, 97. I mean, I have bonus to it. So it's a five. Bonus to. But yeah, it's a botch. A botch is a void that swallows all bonuses. Nice. Can I please get a D100, our third botch against a purple worm? Sure, let's hope it's a botch. A botch is a void that swallows all bonuses. Can I please get a d100, our

third botch against a purple worm? Sure, let's hope it's high. 100, come on, baby. Boom. What the hell? How did I roll a 327? You rolled 118 somehow. Yeah, what the hell? Dd beyond.

Let's try that again. There we go, 32. How did I get 418? I think I rolled three dice. Alright, 32. Oh, wow, yeah. Must be nice. What the hell? 32. Okay, so, yeah, when you

catch it, it cuts your fingers for four points of damage. My fingers. It's just a bad day for fingers. Stop rubbing it in. Up next is going to be Fizzbort and Bunk. All right, so Fizzbort is going to cast... Oh, and miss.

Son of a... Okay. cast oh and miss seven okay and then bunk is gonna hack and miss and hack and botch awesome this is going great maybe we should take a knee and say the purple worm

We're gonna come back tomorrow It's me at 67 Circle back He slips On a rock And he He loses his sword One of his swords goes flying

across the room behind him. Up next is gonna be Friar Jolly, the newly freed. Yay. Ripping wet with ooze. Now, am I, that's where I am? I'm, like, right next to the thing? Um, yeah, let me adjust that for you.

You're gonna, I mean, we're gonna do some throat, uh, adjustment. So you would have flown out um, probably like about there. Okay, and is Lucas still with me? Um, you feel the weight

of him against your back. Oh, take that as you will. How romantic. Maybe he's unconscious. He wasn't conscious already. Oh.

Doesn't have a lot of hit points either. I'm going to use my flying movement to let's see get as far away from this thing as I can. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. let's see get as far away from this thing as i can one two three four five six seven eight that's right right i can move 40 feet when i'm flying okay so i fly sort of to the oh yeah then i will i'll maybe gain a little height but yeah i want to get

far from that thing. And I'm gonna launch another goddamn fireball at this motherfucker. Oh, the silver flame! Can't wait to taste your wormy bits! I will do a fireball. It has to make a DC 17

dexterity saving throw. That's gonna be a 10. Sweet. It will take 28 points of fire damage. Ooh, Kadoosh. A giant ball of flame

smashes into its head. It is really pissed off that it didn't keep you down. You were just like Hot Ones. Some things are spicy and you want to keep eating it, but you really started doing some damage. Yeah! Feel that fireball

inside your body? Alright, so it is the purple worm's turn. He is just dragging the Lucas token around a few feet ago. He sees Bunk in front of him. Oh, yeah. Uh-oh.

Oh, yeah. This is ugly. You just see it slam its face into the ground. Bunk disappears, and then its head continues to... And it disappears underground. Ugh. What? The disappearing bunk trick. So, up next in the turn order is going to be Brian.

Hi, Brian. You're muted again. You got this, Ronnie. Hey, hey, hey. What can I do? I'm not completely healed yet, but have I got the thing out of my arm now? Yeah, you got your blade out of your shoulder. You're like, because it went like right here.

You got the blade out. You're still pinching it shut. You almost got it partially stitched up. But unfortunately, Winifred cut three of her fingers off trying to help you instead of making progress. Yeah. I'm going to do another medicine check. Great. Let's do it.

No, it's low. Okay. Yeah, you try. I mean, how low is it? It wasn't a botch, was it? No. Okay. Um, sorry. And, uh, yeah, you try to, like, get, like, a needle through, or, like, wire through to stitch it

shut. It just doesn't quite seem possible with the way you're pinching it at the same time as one hand. So, you're still surrounded by friends who will hopefully help you soon. They are coming towards you. Sarah, you're up. So, it has disappeared with bunk

underneath here. Underground. And is there, like, a hole where it went? There sure is. There's rubble that's sort of caved in on itself. And so, it... Bitch, I'm flying down there. Sweet. I'm mad now. Great.

You fly down. I'm just double checking. My fingers are carefully wrapped up and neatly tucked inside one of my many pockets. It will be reattached. Can I ask before we have to re- retro

do stuff? Do I get an attack of opportunity on it when it decides to leave? You are not close to it. You had backed away to toss. Oh, I have to be directly in contact with it? You have to be within five feet of it. I'm in range.

Oh, okay. Got it. Yeah, it's melee attacks only, not like ranged attacks. That is the downside of tossing. Just making sure. Winifred, so I'm going to say the hole is centered right about there. I think I pinged it in GM layer. Hang on. So like right about there. And the worm is now about here. So I'm going to move your

token, but keep in mind you're underground. I just want to be able to see it. You see it's stinger. The second that I see it, I'm going to cast psychic lance again, although this time at a slightly lower level.

Okay. And that's a saving throw of some kind, yes? It is, I believe, an Intelligence. 17 DC. It's gonna be a 7. So I'm casting that And He's gonna take He's incapacitated He's gonna take 25 points of damage

And be incapacitated Right You've broken 100 Hit point damage Against this thing It's not dead but this lance is going to slam Right into it It's bing bong

And it is now frozen underground Come and get it Worms back on the menu boys Amazing Dwayne Hey is this a bad time for me to Realize that Dr. Uwet doesn't have fly

That I was That I was On blacky green autopilot I was so surprised I said to you Are you sure he has it I was completely zoned out. I'm so sorry.

That's so funny. I didn't know where you got it from either. I was like, since when does this character have that? But okay. I was looking at my spell thing to see what I was going to hit it with and I was like, wait a minute. This doesn't look familiar. All of you blink your eyes. Suddenly your feet are on the

ground. You're in the exact same spots in the room other than that. And you're like, wait, I have a memory of... Was I flying? No, I wasn't flying. I'm still flying. Except for Queer. So am I on the edge of the hole then? Maybe I didn't go down. No, you're in the hole. It's fine.

Sorry, you guys. Oh, she wouldn't have flown that far away. She never would have gotten to Ronnie. she never would have gotten to Rani she never would have lost her finger you've just been yanked into a parallel dimension where everything happened except you ran a little faster I will note to

Blaine we did two episodes ago we did level up so that would have been a chance for you to add new spells and swap out the spells that you already had so you could if you wanted to further retcon he's flying a spell that Dr. Uid has at his disposal no it's not a druid spell

oh I was going to say you can learn new spells when you level up no he's straight up yanking a warlock spell well I'm sorry sorry that's my bad there's so many rules to this game it's almost like it's unfair Sorry, that's my bad. I was like, wait a minute. Who am I? There's so many rules to this game. It's almost like it's unfair.

All right. So, yeah, Sarah, you're still in the hole. It's fine. But, yep, guess what, Dr. Uid? It's your turn and your feet on the ground. Well, you know what I'm going to do is I'm going to... Talk to me. And I just told everybody that the worm is there and incapacitated for around

remains on the menu boys can I can I call lightning on it down there nope okay well then I'm gonna fly down and I'm gonna hit it with a potion of water breathing and I I'm going gaseous. The purple worm casts wish and you all turn in

two headshots. Ooh. Sexy purple worms with like blonde hair and big red lips. Yes. No. I got like a zoot suit. What are you doing? I guess I'm gonna whip up a flame blade and charge that hole. Oh, charge it. This gets dirty.

Tell me what them attack roll is. I assume the flame blade is a melee attack roll, yeah? Yes. And I botched it. Nice. Hey, served me right, you guys. Oh my goodness. Yeah.

We are our own worst enemies. Wow. Holy shit. Please roll a D100. Low. Hi, Oliver. I rolled a hundred. Oh. Did you really? I rolled a hundred. Oh.

Did you really? I really did. Holy. Rolled a hundred. Wow. Okay. This is, I'm very sorry, Blaine.

Oh, that's okay. Yeah. Wrapped attention. Right. Dr. Ewitt, as you're running down the tunnel that has been made, there's all this rubble. There's these little chunks of crystal all over it. It's very tricky terrain

down this tunnel. You slip. You fly forward and get impaled on the purple worm's stinger. You take. And I take. A quick break. Off to the

great way north. 54 points of piercing damage. Ooch. Okay. Not dead, but pierced. I look like Maying at the end of Flash Gordon with the thing. Oh, that's fast. Yeah, you are also restrained in place,

and the stinger is coming up through your center. You're going to take more damage next turn unless you're immediately saved for sure. Okay. And we're going to have to find out what that looks like on the next episode. Oh, my God. Goodness gracious.

Brian, you're muted, by the way. Shit. Remind me to save him next time. Good lord. Sorry, Blaine. It's okay. Wow. Jesus Christ.

That was a great thing to see the three zeros. Wow. Oh, wow. How the three of us all rolled that high on our hundreds, too. Like, 94, 95, and 100. Jesus Christ. Gosh.

Fuck you, Dan. Right? Right, guys? I love you. Hey, it's fun when stakes come into it. Fun when stakes come into it. Fun when steaks come into it. Oh, my God. Is it too late to do a joke about how I cast Southwest on everybody so nobody could fly?

Oh, my gosh. Oh, never, never, never too late. Wow. All right. Oh, crap. What do you got coming up, asshole? Oh, me? Yeah, fuckface. Oh, wow. Oh, crap. What do you got coming up, asshole? Oh, me? Yeah, fuckface.

Oh, wow. Oh, well. I'm going to be performing with Derek Sheen on January 14th at the Art Theater with Joanne Schindlerly and Andy Peters as well and other comedians while he is in town from Seattle. I'll probably be doing some other shows around L.A. too. But it's just, I love doing the stand-up comedy. Sure. he is in town from Seattle. I'll probably be doing some other shows around LA too, but, uh, it's, it's just,

I love doing the standup comedy. Sure. It's good. Um, I don't, but I still will be out, uh, performing.

Um, don't love it. I haven't loved it for a couple of years, but, you can't tell, um, because I'm a good actor. So come see me

fake it through the next couple of years of comedy till I get to retire. BrianPersine.com No, I still love it. I mean, I have a bunch of jokes that I really love telling. I don't love the traveling.

The shit that I do, and have a bunch of jokes that I really love telling. I don't love the traveling. Yeah. The shit that I do. And then plus winter. Like winter, every winter, I'm just fucking mad and sad. I landed in Chicago six hours before a record blizzard that did all that Southwest shit. Like I barely squeaked in here six hours. And I, yeah, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Where am I going?

I'm going to fucking Louisville first. Who knows? I've got some cold places coming up. BrianPersine.com. See you there. Anybody likes their life?

Wants to plug some stuff i mean i love life shout out to all my friends yeah all right um shit got real uh let's i just feel like fucking we got fucked by the dice I don't think you can really blame me when you're like you can blame me for having the botch table and using the botch table but

I didn't roll the botches no you didn't we rolled fucking extremely high it's crazy plus there were crits. It was like everything was a botch or a crit. It's been such a wild fight. Yeah.

Cool. Blaine, what's going to happen next week? Are we going to make it? We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well. thanks for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof

well on the next nerd poker wojo and dietrich bust an old partner and fish has to bail luger out oh i'm sorry that's on the next barney poker all this and blaine starts writing these jokes in advance on the next nerd poker

thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.