Nerd Poker - S5E26 Now With Austin Powers

Episode Date: January 24, 2023

Things get bleak when it comes to worm murder, and so the riffs get as weird as humanly possible. Sadly no Chris Tallman for a few episodes, but he is doing well and we he'll be back ASAP.  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Nerd Poker.

Good for you. You finally did it. My friends are here. Look at them. What's up, Ken? Hi, Brian. Good morning. How are you?

I'm good, pal. Right on. Dan is here. Happy morning, Brian. We're missing Chris. Do you want to tackle that? Oh, sure. Yeah, I remember that health thing that he had issues with.

He had to duck out. And Nathan, the bunny rabs, last season, he's just having a little bit of a recurrence of that, and hopefully he'll be back soon. But he's going to be out for a couple of regular and bonus episodes, so know that he misses all of you listeners, and he regrets not being here, but we are in active contact with him. Sarah's here. Hey, Sarah. Hi, hello. How are you? I'm okay. How are you? Good with him. Sarah's here. Hey, Sarah. Hi, hello. How are you? I'm okay. How are you? Good.

Good. It's morning. Morning time. Ding, dong, ding. Blaine's here. Hi, Brian. Lots of Folgers in my cup. Oh, nice.

I have soda from the McDonald's that you guys all hate in my neighborhood. Hate so much we love. How are they? Are you sure? They're my the McDonald's that you guys all hate in my neighborhood. Hate so much we love. How are they? They're my favorite McDonald's. Although love and hate are very similar. I feel like they can handle breakfast soda. It's probably just seltzer with ketchup in it. Seltzer with ketchup. It's got less sugar than a Sprite.

Haven't seen him in a while, but there he is. Look at him. He's got some sort of hair issue going on because he's wearing a tight hat i am dressed like i'm in the cranberries yes hey how are the rest of the beagle boys sam hello sweet children what's up sam i missed you very much yeah man thanks for finally rapping at us yeah i'm excited too because i've officially been long, gone long enough now. I truly don't know

what you guys are doing. So these recaps can go back to being wild. Oh boy. I don't understand. You're gonna love this one too. You missed an insane episode last time. Is anyone dead or? Almost. Oh good. We're working on it. One of our only

surviving players is about to warp out of here for a second this is gonna be interesting you want to thank some um some people my friend i sure do although i will uh me a couple right now to our listeners i have covid my cat is being a bastard i don't know why think he's bored. So he's running around meowing loudly while I am easily distracted and coughing. Have you met cats? Oh, yeah. That's not your first cat, is it?

First of all, how dare you? It is my ninth or tenth cat, but yes. They're all assholes. But I bring it up because I have been home 24-7, and he hates when I now don't pay attention to him for five seconds. Oh, cabin fever. It makes you over-explain things, too.

But I'll tell you what deserves plenty of explaining. Our Patreon supporters who go by usernames like Roll for Diabetes or Diabetes if you're Wilford Brimley. Thank you. Thank you, Roll for Diabetes. Thank you Bob Zeus of Bob Zeus's Discount Hammers and Hammer Accessories. Let me guess.

In the Dildo District. Thank you Short Name for Dan. Thank you Goth Phillips because emo wasn't dark enough thank you jason yarn thank you thank you where bat bugbear thank you if your spellcasting modifier was up your ass you'd know where it was oh wouldn't you? Spicy. Thank you, Don't Gentrify the Dildo District! Getting a little political.

Keep it pure. Keep those mouthpiece out of there. Thank you, the historically Lakota Sioux land upon which the Dildo District sits. Man. By the way, this is taking over all our Patreon names now. This bit was so good

uh thank you smoky the bugbear knows what sarah did we all know thank you thank you mary jane posain thank you ose thank you jacob livermore thank you marion the octogenarian barbarian thank you my stimulus check thank you thank you i believe these are korean characters that i cannot read uh congratulations on speaking a language that i need to learn someday thank you james brooks thank you suboptimal dad's tight ice five oh here comes here comes a new one that made me laugh. Thank you, Fuckmouse. Because I don't brush. How's about a little kiss?

I got some beef in my teeth and some chicken, too. Ow, that's a cavity. Hey, that's new. That's new. Let's just read these all episode. Thank you, Dan's Dick Biting Dungeon. Thank you, Wolves Ate

My House. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Hands Colonoscopy and Gastroenterology. You know I'm healing from my COVID if I could pronounce gastroenterology on a given day. Thank you, Kevin Welch. Thank you, Dr. Balls Paging, Dr. M.F. Balls.

Thank you. Perfect timing. Thank you, Sabotage the Cat. Thank you, Robert Nichols. Thank you, Latwig. Thank you, Danny's Bahamut-sized math class oops boner. Thank you, Natural22. If I have to explain, I'm sending money to the wrong podcast

thank you jj lee thank you indoor plastic birdbath thank you potato thank you two crows eating a dead rat thank you yay and finally thank you the emotional roller coaster that is waiting for Dan to read your Patreon name each week. It's finally happened! Yay, looking for you. Oh, finally. Hey Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by purple, when blue just isn't red enough, and when too much red gives

you the blues. Purple, it's good enough for grapes, so shut up. And stepladder, for those tough-to- reach urinals dan thank you blaine step bladder sounds like something i uh would use for fun just like you know recreationally i'm six foot five but i was thinking about putting one in my house just to make it harder to use the toilet um all right well it's uh it's finally at long last time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker.

Well, some real shit went down. Hope you're all caught up because Jesus Christ. As if it wasn't bad enough that there was a snorting pug in Dan's lap while he lacked a proper microphone for the last two episodes. Our heroes got into some real shit. Let's go by one by one. First of all, Bunk, our party NPC, was swallowed whole, so there's that. Next up is Queep. Tried to throw his boomerang axe around, didn't go great, and guess what? That went better than pretty much everyone else's episode last time on Nerd Poker. Danny accidentally stabbed himself in the heart and managed to miss most of his vital organs, however, pinched the wound shut, and in an attempt to fly away and be safe, call

over some people, he managed to get the attention of, you know, Sarah's character, Winifred Wintergem, who tried to get the arm blade out of Danny's chest and chopped off three of her fucking fingers, put him in a glass of milk to make sure that the dentist could get him back on real nice. Then finally we have

we've got Dr. Uwud who went running down the wormhole, tripped over a rock, and impaled himself on the worm's tail. I don't know how this Blaine motherfucker rolled a 100 on a bodge table for the first time in human history. No one has ever done that. I could have just decapitated him, but I threw him a bone. Don't know if that bone's really gonna help him though and we take you to nerd poker already in progress so yeah um uh coven's really helping

that recap voice though isn't it like it really brought out a new layer yeah hey everybody this is just my normal voice dan's got a strain to sound like a human. It's like a brand of a car. But yeah, I am. I will. I will. I will have what happens to Chris happen on his turn, not because it's going to be very dramatic, but just because I think it will be a little more organic that way. Blaine, can you remind listeners how many hit points you currently have?

How many hit points I currently have? I think I'm down to six. Alright. And I think, I know it's very low. And you're gored. There is, you know, I'm stuck on the

spike out of a purple worm's tail. He is kabobbing. I'm stuck on worm tail because the worm tail is stuck on me. I wish I would have belayed that phaser order. And geographically speaking, we are in the Royal Hall. If you all want to pop open the the roll 20 i am currently logging in myself and um we're gonna get into that but uh down in the wormhole near you winter fred is flying around they're singing to cover their fear because they know what's exactly.

Yeah. This is going to be a rough one, regardless of whether it goes well for y'all. Um, I don't know how my camera just zoomed in, but yikes. So, um,

that happened before. Remember? And I was like, I thought I was going crazy and you're like, what are you talking about? I was like, Dan, you're zoomed in all of a sudden.

Yeah. I, well, I think when I opened roll 20, something happens where it's trying to access my camera and it like, yeah. So, um. Weird. Just having to blame.

I think it's roll 20. I think you get like pins or camera. Who wants to look at my forehead? Yeah. I mean mean I have great skin more visual jokes for listeners you know you love it can we just I just want

Sam can you clip this I want to send this to Sephora I just want to get my modeling career off the ground I regret not turning my camera on zoomed in really close with my shirt off not too late just like one nipple in the center I know I know variola cam everybody my shirt off. It's not too late. It's just like one nipple in the center.

I know, I know. Variola cam, everybody. But yeah, I'm going to, let's see. Oh my God, Duncan, what? What do you want, buddy? How about better coffee? We're here. Your undivided attention.

Give us. Oh, you forget. I have the brain disease. So if you see a tail go by, it's because he's jumping on my junk. So you're impaled on it. You're facing forward, Blaine, because you were running in the tunnel after this guy. On your next turn, you are going to take more damage because you are currently impaled. Unless, of course uh something miraculous uh happens and i think it would be a classic dungeon master boner if i

and i mean boner in the you know the joker 1960s comic book sense um like a hard penis definitely no other no there's no other definition for that word and i don't know i don't know why you would say that. I heard you say the beginning of a really dirty word, and I just... I wish you wouldn't... It's just we're talking about a nice, wholesome boner. So... Point being, we're going to have you roll an insight check,

Dr. Uid, before we move on to Queep's turn, because I feel like I need to give you an opportunity to assess how absolutely fucked you are. I can, as Dungeon Master C, I can, you know, yeah, but like, I can see a couple of ways you could get out of it, but I think it's my job to be a little more objective than just to tell you, so. Insight roll? Yes, please.

17 plus 4. Nice. 21. Oh! Yes, please. 17 plus four. Nice. 21.

Oh. Okay. You should definitely scan up and down your spell list and think outside the box a little bit. There are ways you could get out of this that aren't just like healing. And I mean, you beat a 20. So I'll just throw out there. If you wild shape, you're not necessarily going to get yourself completely out of it but um you're going to change the dimensions of yourself which could greatly benefit the situation yeah i had i had kind of

had that in mind so that that's kind of really the only spell that i could use it would really help me well as everyone knows when you roll an insight check the dungeon master tells you what you already know because you're very clever but uh you're you're yeah you're gonna say play uh oh is this my turn or is that no you so so wait i just listened back it was just your turn and you just impaled yourself as the last thing that happened um but i wanted to throw you that insight check because of just how fucked your situation was. I think the adrenaline rush would give you enough room for a little bit of a, whoa, as you look down. And up next is Queep.

So, Queep, you are flying around above ground. Correct? I have here on the map that you're just a little bit east of ye old wormhole. I'm going to put, for visual's sake, bunk back on the map that you're just a little bit east of ye old wormhole um i'm gonna put for uh visuals sake bunk back on the map i took him off because he disappeared underground but that is

where the worm went underground so that's where the whole opening is it's easier to just bring bunk's token back than it is to draw a circle and have to erase it later um so like the holes kind of opened up right in front of you just saw winifred run down at fizzbort the wizard is standing on the edge of it he's he's had the best time during this fight he's he's got some damage off on the worm he has yet to be hit by the worm he's feeling great well i'll pursue as well all right is um yeah no that's fine all right well you have if i'm not mistaken pretty good flying speed of 60 feet does that sound right yeah so you're going to be able to um down into the very opening of the hole um but i'm going to ask you to let me know what you're doing next you can get you can like take

a chop at the worm and i think it's uh paralyzed or something what did you do to it winter fred you did something to it right you cast a bardi spell on it um yeah i had the psychic lance spell which is i don't know if it's going right now but i had cast it a couple times at him where he's incapacitated until the end of um my next turn yes i think you you i think you um you did not incapacitate him the first time but you did the last time and kind of the whole reason dr u had got impaled is because he was frozen in place and dr u had went to run down and attack him while he was frozen in place with his tail spike just sort of sitting, pointing towards the opening of the hole.

Well, I'm going to attack. I'm going to frenzy as well, so I get a third attack. Frenzy is what I call frenzy. Okay. So let's hope for the best here.

I'm praying for you. Thank you. Alright, the first one was a 9. Well, that'll be a miss. Second one was a 7. Out of 20 I don't know if you knew this yeah yeah yeah this guy's got

an armor class a little above that I think I told you last episode I'll throw you guys a bone if you're taking notes it's an 18 armor class it doesn't matter I'm rolling nothing and another 7 so 3 pieces of fuck

what does Queep say as he whips his axe at this thing 3 And another seven. So three pieces of fuck. What does Queep say as he whips his axe at this thing three times? Cock-a-luck. Actually, wait. Fuck. What's the noise? Excuse me. Cock-a-luck. Cock-a-luck.

He's incapacitated. Oh, so it doesn't matter. I feel like you either have advantage or it's an automatic success. It's advantage, I think. This is COVID brain, y'all. We all got it. It's the best. So what I'll say is if you did three rolls, that first one's a miss

and that second one you rolled low on the first of two advantage rolls. So please roll a second time for your second attack. Jesus Christ. Hey! 22. There! 22. There you go. And damage or should I just roll again?

Why would you even worry about it, buddy? You tell me. You want to do it all together? That's 20. Okay. On firsty. And then... That's a nine let's try that again that's a 25 24 okay so you got two hits and and i'm gonna damage again for uh 12. 12 alright so you do hack into this guy a couple of times

and what do you say as you realize he is frozen in place and you're actually able to get some damage hey so celebratory cool let's get into, I think I found Fizzbort's original name. That's irritating. Let's, uh, up next in the turn order is, uh, Fizzbort and he is going to walk up to the opening of the hole and toss some lightning down there. Because why not? It's about to move again.

He wants to get his licks in and you just see this like electricity shoot out of his hands and smash into the worm's butt. That's right. I said it. into the worm's butt. That's right. I said it. Up next in the turn order is Bunk, who is having a great time in the stomach

of a purple worm. Alright, so he gets digested a little bit. The results of which you will not enjoy if I tell you. We come around to Friar Jolly. F friar jolly is flying around and um we're not flying huh not flying remember that's fine remember blaine we had to retcon everything that's right okay so he he's standing nearby

and uh that was that was what a delight that was um so he's he's uh and uh you see um does anyone above ground are you all just hearing this sure only i was i think only i was underneath and then blaine yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then so i'm gonna scoot some tokens around the map because that threw me a little bit um underground marker yeah there's not an easy way to do like underground map or anything but um i will finally just draw a real quick like tube um which yes is going to look with two round chambers at the base. Yeah, yeah. Just kind of like... Oh, yeah.

That's gonna go purple. It's making me horny. This is the hole right here. Do you make me horny, baby? Oh, my God. When you do an Austin Powers impression... It's really good, right? It's not that you're bad at it.

It's deeply upsetting. They really should reboot that whole series with you, Brian. With like a... I was getting... The most interesting ever. Yeah. Why do I make you horny, baby? Oh, no!

Oh, my God. I want to see that so bad. Oh, God. Hearing you do that, it's like drinking curdled buttermilk. Yum. Do you like being made horny? By my horniness. Oh god, you just gave me a coke again.

Oh my god. I'm doing fine listening four days testing negative so um you hear friar jolly uh those of you in the hole which is uh dr uid and winterfred but ronnie uh you see this creep you see this over your shoulder farjali presses a finger to his temple and says the silver flame calls me and he just sort of he just kind of you know like in this plume of silver flame you see him teleport away and you're not sure um if he's coming back anytime soon but you sure hope so luckily there are heroes all throughout the horrible death city of Vendaria. So maybe he will find his way back and he is merely in another place in the castle. Um, and that'll do it for his turn as he exits. Up next is the purple worm who is incapacitated and is not going to do anything with his turn,

The purple worm, who is incapacitated and is not going to do anything with his turn except just think about how delicious the halfling from Donkey Land in his stomach is. And up next is Brian. Yeah, man. That was a British accent, wasn't it? Yeah, man, you're making me horny, baby. That's all I know. Is that from Love Guru? Yeah, half Jamaican, half British.

For some reason, this reboot, he's Jamaican. I don't know why. He's Jamaican me horny. No! No! Why?

Why is all of this happening? What are my options? I don't really know what I can do with this turn. I'd love to do whatever I can possibly do. You're kind of hovering. Not literally, because you're not flying, but you're kind of hovering on the edge of combat, a bit to the south of everything, trying to hold

your wound shut while Winifred has run off from helping you. I think... Did we get you stitched up, or did we just get the arm blade out? I think we just got the arm blade out. Yeah, I feel like I'm still fucked somehow. His wounds have been

healed repeatedly, but... Yeah, I think hit point wise you're good, but you still, you still got to either have a friend do this or, um, you're doing a medicine check yourself to try to get some stitches in it or something just to free your hands. Yes. And one of your arms is numb, which is how you're particularly fucked. But if you could please, uh, roll a medicine check, if that is what you would like to do. Yes. Eleven.

Yeah, that is unfortunately not, of course, going to do it. Why why because it's low yeah yeah that would be why okay um but yeah you know the the trick is of course you got your arm kind of limp and you're just trying to like i don't know like get get get towards the medical equipment you you need and start getting it stitched up and you have to put a hand over it because you definitely hit something and it bleeds a lot when you let go. Got it. Next in the turn order.

Sarah, end of this turn. The psychic glance will wear off. It is Winifred's jam time. It's actually start of my next turn Okay, worms are wiggling Um, so basically So he's moving and Um

Dr. Ewit is still impaled Yeah, and he's not He's not moving literally so much as you can just See his body Tense, like release tension because he's he's about to move all right well i'll i guess all i can do is use my last spell slot here to try to freeze him up again um so i will again unleash a shimmering lance of psychic power from my forehead at him. Alright. And he has to...

It's an intelligence saving throw, I believe. Ooh, okay. DC 17. Yeah. And you have been wailing on this guy, but Purple Worm has a ton of hit points. So, I think I told you last episode this guy is pretty, you know, wounded, but he's lost like a little over 100 hit points and has plenty to go.

He rolled a, excuse me, an eight, which is definitely a fail. Okay. So here we go. Huge penalty to intelligence. This guy, this guy really feeling it. I strum the opening chords of Dr. Worm. Good morning.

How are you? And then do 27 points of damage. Oh, that's one of the things that I'm interested in. And, and then Dr. Worm references. COVID becomes you.

You know, some of our characters, uh, are in a lot of pain right now. Um, but I'm not a real doctor. I am a real worm though. An actual worm.

Not for long. Bitch is what I say as I do 27. Oh, no. Snappity. Of course, all of my, all of my snark was coming from the purple worm, and now he regrets it.

I know. The cords were to indicate my ability to strip him of his title. Suck on that worm. Oh, no, my med school degree. He wasn't a real doctor, and now he's not even a real worm. Oh. Soon. I don't know if he's dead, but he's getting there.

He is still interested in things. Okay, so what is the damage he's taking? 27 points. And he's incap there he is still interested in things um okay so what uh what is the damage he's taking 27 incapacitated again yeah and 27 points of damage and he is um incapacitated psychic damage and then he is cool cool yeah you get you are um keeping him locked down now with two of those in a row which is very fortunate and definitely keeping things from getting worse than they already are I believe Malorthal is Fizbor's original name his hedgehog is named Fidge and I don't know why I didn't see these notes two episodes ago or three whatever the fuck it was up

next to the turn order we have none other than the ood of doctors who has a real degree from half health university a lot of good it does me i still owe 70 000 gold pieces on my loan uh dan i would like to ask you a question i can i can turn into i can turn into a creature that i have seen before yeah so i would like to turn into a gelatinous cube weird okay and that would allow me to maybe slide off this thing i do wonder uh you cannot wild shape I think into a gelatinous cube because

it is you have to wild shape into a beast type of creature and a cube is a monstrosity oh it is? doesn't count as a beast well here I will try and look up some extended rules but I'm pretty sure I'm correct here Oh, it is? Doesn't count as a beast? Well, here.

I will try and look up some extended rules, but I'm pretty sure I'm correct here. And I can't turn into a lady worm? It is a large ooze. It is a large ooze. Oh, okay. So, do-do-do-do-do-do-do. There's a lot of beasts you can... I mean...

Yeah. The worm is a monstrosity for sure not a beast I um I would definitely get into like a Funkin Wagnalls mindset here turn into a dictionary

and look that up in your Funkin Wagnalls oh uh can I turn into a dinosaur Can I turn into A dinosaur Does that count as a beast Or is that still a

Can you say it with the same voice As the little cartoon guy in Jurassic Park Remember that Jeff Goldblum Can I Turn into a What is it the dude who's teaching everybody about

how to get trapped in amber yeah yeah he says like dinosaur they are beasts yes so you can turn into you can wild shape into a dinosaur I'm just wild shape into a dinosaur. I'm just, um... Wild shape. Do-ka-do-ka-do. Do-ka-do-ka-do. I think the size of the beast

is pretty variable. You could be a big-ass dinosaur, I think. Yeah, I was wondering if I could turn into some sort of, like, large ankylosaurus. Some kind of big, uh... Absolutely, I think wondering if I could turn into some sort of, like, large ankylosaurus, some kind of big armored turtle. Yeah, you will turn into, you can turn into an ankylosaurus. You would have, let's see. I would just think it would lower my, it would, the weight would slide me off the thing.

My metabolism would maybe help somehow I don't know but it would also help me from keep me from getting re-impaled yeah so okay I thought about a snake because if I was a snake, it would...

Like, all my organs would be a little more spread out. You know, I'd have a long liver and a long lung. Well, okay. So, you would not lose your wound if you shapeshift into anything. But you will get some of your hit points temporarily up. You will still be impaled, and you will still be bleeding out, but you will be up to 68 hit points. Let's do that. Ankylosaurus me up. I'm going to put a link in the chat, Blaine, if you want to look exactly what the

Ankylosaurus looks like stat-wise as you morph into this thing. Oh, I'm unaligned. Fuck that. Forget it. Yeah, okay. Good. I'm looking at it. Just join the dinosaur union yeah just just something that that would uh just make it make me less soft do you know what i mean well what you're gonna do now

is i can think of a couple things gross um and now i draw an ankylosaurus tail and we all know what that looks like The biggest effect is you are huge And very heavy So you're going to go Like to the ground Pull the tail stinger down with you And kind of at least temporarily pin

His tail to the ground As it is stuck through your chest But yeah 68 hit points Okay I'm doing that through your chest. But, yeah, 68 hit points. I'm doing that. Hey, check it out, I'm a big turtle! And now, you are going to suffer some damage.

Okay. 69 points of damage. Up top. Can I change into an Ivankalosaurus and maybe get a deal from China for billions? Sorry to get political.

You take 31 points of piercing damage. Whoa! Jesus! Does that kill you? I think he has a high armor class. Only because he's wild-shaped, it doesn't kill him. Wild-shaped!

armor class at the end. Only because he wild-shaped, it doesn't kill him. Wild-shaped. Wild-shaped. And what was... How much damage was that? Sorry. 31, boss. 31, okay. Alright. Up next in Ye Olde Turn Ore, we got Queeps again.

I'm gonna attack some more. All right. All right. First one is a 14. Second one is a 24. Yeah. Oh, no. Wait a minute.

So remember, you're rolling with advantage because he can't move. Oh, yeah. So 17. That's my advantage roll. Not good enough. Okay. That's a miss. Fucking ignore that one.

Six. These dice suck. Queep, no. 11. So that's two misses. Wow. Wait, what happened to that fucking 24 you got a second ago? It wasn't a 24.

I misread it. Why would you do that? Because I didn't see it correctly. Oh, my God. And last roll is a 11. Good night. You're making Sarah very angry, bud. I've never seen her shake her head more sternly.

What am I going to do? Bonuses and everything. I know why. What are your bonuses? Four, plus four to every roll, basically, and it's not working. For your dual blade? Yeah. We need to upgrade that greataxe of the dual blade of Kukla somehow,

because that to hit is not helping you out, buddy. Well, it should. It's just the rolls are bad. I'm trying to think. I feel like we're missing something, though. You know what? I incorporated your strengths. What the fuck?

No, I'm doing it. Let me try. I got a luck. I can try one more, but that wouldn't. Doing it and doing it and doing it. What if I make you feel bad until you reroll? How will that go? Okay, with my luck roll,

I got a 20. Oh, that's a hit. So there's one fucking hit. That's the only one I'm using. God dash it. Here's the damage. Duncan is

upset. 11. Okay. 11 points damage against yield. It's something. Yeah, it is something. I'll give that to you. I never saw a purple worm.

I never hoped to see one. Yeah, I don't... It's pretty weird, but you have... I have in your inventory a customized greataxe, which is the dual blade of Kukula. And it says it's a plus five to hit.

Oh, not plus four. Not plus four. Alright, still doesn't matter manually doing that right like that's been added in anyway yeah you just misread oh no i've been manually doing it's not added in automatically because it's not okay well you haven't gotten any 17s which would have been a hit because he has an 18 ever class but um but um but i will add five next time, yes. Yeah, add five next time. And if you ever get frustrated, your talons are a plus seven and your crossbow is a plus six.

So they do have a better chance to hit. Keep that in your head. Keep that in your head. You were great on America's Got Talons. Oh, Jesus. Hey, give me a break, I'm impaled. I will, and I'll break you off. Ooh.

Okay, Fizzbort, he fires off more lightning bolts that collide with this fucking thing, bringing it closer and closer to being down 200 hit points. Something happens with Bunk that is mysterious this board previously

Malorthal and then up next is the purple worm who again is incapacitated Brian you're up cool I'm listening but I am walking five feet off of camera what can I do well I think you're still pretty much stuck with a medicine I'm listening, but I am walking five feet off of camera. What can I do?

Well, I think you're still pretty much stuck with a medicine check. Yeah, I'll do that again. All right. I'll tell you what you can do. Let me see if I can get a high roll. God damn it. Just the 13. Okay, well. If Chris was here, Chris would help me.

He always does. Yeah, he would give you some sort of the guiding thing. Yes, a guidance, which on Forge would not be enough even if you rolled a four on your guidance this is a tough wound okay can i see if

i roll four of my guide or is or it's not gonna help no unfortunately you need the cleric standing next to you and he has bamfed to some other place okay um and uh that's gonna bring us around to sarah winifred what you up to?

Um, that means, that means the worm is moving again, right? Um, or it will be on this turn and I'm aware of that. Um, so I feel like actually what I have to do is get away because I have nothing left here. So I'm going to, um, use my action to get out of the hole somehow we didn't really establish how it's gonna happen because i flew down without that ability to fly but presumably you'll just let me scramble out um and then so i'm gonna i guess i'll go back to ronnie um okay and see if if there i can do something that is less spell oriented. Yeah, you could try to stitch them up.

It would be a medicine check. Okay, so can I do both of those things? Like go and then... Alright, I'm going to roll the die. That is an 18. Ooh, that's a success. Okay. Alright. You managed to

patch him up using your adventuring pack. You can kind of get his wound shut. I give him a thumbs up with my remaining thumb hand. Or actually, I guess I lost the three. That could be either one

yeah you lost uh those three so you can do one of these speaking of which i did look up because i was like how can i reattach this is like think like a dm thing like you're gonna have to tell me what i have to do to reattach fingers because some people are like oh if you have them you should be able to reattach them with curing spells but some people are like no it requires uh you tell me disagree i yeah i unfortunately i'm going to require that somebody have a spell that can help it out or um perform some miraculous medicine checks um all right well you can let me know what those spells are when this is all over. Sure will. But you get him. So here's where you're at, Ronnie.

You've got your hand free now. You can attack using your arm blade even. However, your left arm is hanging limp. And that you think is going to require a pretty amazing medicine check i'm not sure what winifred's bonus is what is your bonus winifred that's four oh well if winifred critted a medicine check then maybe she could kind of like help you a little bit but i wouldn't let her just roll over and over again out of combat so you do think like oh i i'm in a similar spot as winifred we've we've suffered some medical disasters so um you're patched up you're patched

up uh there are things you can do. Hopefully that will make your game a little more exciting and fun. Anything else you're going to do, Sarah? Winifred? I think that's it for me. What I can do. Alright, the worm twitches, Blaine. You are, you're up.

Dr. Uwud, you're leaning forward in ankylosaur form a giant spike sticking through you is is there a way if uh is the worm moving if if uh would my weight just sort of keep me from keep me from staying on this thing yeah especially because you're big. When he gets his turn, which is coming up pretty soon, it's probably going to mean your body is too big to follow him naturally down the hole and it's going to schluck right out of

your chest. Okay. Can I attack him while I'm doing this? While I'm hanging on this hook? Yes, you can bash him with your tail. I'm going to bash him with my tail. Plus seven to hit.

Plus seven to hit, yeah. You got that Ankylosaurus card out. 16 plus seven. Oh, that's a hit. 23, 46 plus 4. That's 6. Another

10 plus 4, 14. How would you like to see this purple worm die? Yeah! I'd love it. I would like to see it sort of make an accordion sound and sort of contract a little bit

and then stretch out again and then I would like it to just sort of lay on a sidewalk in the rain and then dry out in the sun. Like a, like a, like a earthworm. Yeah. I would like a God to come down and put it on a hook and then use it to catch Godfish. Beautiful.

Well, he definitely shrivels up and we get as much of a visual metaphor as possible underneath the ground in this royal hall and now you are still stuck to his tail he hasn't moved yet and you're about to take some more piercing damage okay 38

points of piercing damage that's negative one. I was at 37, so... You hear everything get... Sorry, is he still an ankylosaurus? No, he is going to automatically shapeshift back into Dr. Urid on his tail, and Fizbort calls out to everyone and says uh

good news and bad news uh pointing down on the hole and we'll have to find out what that means exactly on the next episode nerd poker hi everybody uh all right jesus even this recap is brutal so if i understand so danny stabbed himself and Winifred cut her own fingers off and Dr. Ood impaled himself. This is really fantastic. I believe we're fighting a giant worm and we're doing some damage on this worm, but he's a big, strong purple worm. Ultimately, it was Dr. Ood who morphed into something big and thick and hard with a tail

and was able to kill it and dealt the final death blow um and also all these uh austin powers variant impressions made me laugh very hard you guys have all been in versions of like a writer's room or sketch rooms you know that thing where you have an idea that's very funny but every time you bring it up everyone in the room hates it more than anything and but you just won't let it go and keep pushing it for years after the dark knight came out in every sketch group i was in i kept pushing this sketch where it was like a gritty reboot of austin powers like keith ledgers and it was just him being like why so horny and everyone fucking hated it in every version and for years i would bring it up i

would bring it up in unrelated unrelated sketches i would try and work in it where he's like like my father was shagadelic and everyone fucking hated it every time there's no reason that premise should exist i got these scars from shagging. And everyone just hated it. Do I make you Robin, baby? Yeah, exactly. But I'm right. Absolutely.

Did my impressions make you horny, man? Jesus Christ. That's awesome. It's something about how drawn out it is. Like, it's so like... It's just completely wrong. Yes, like every note is...

Everything about it is wrong. Yeah. The first time I've ever heard Brian speak from a sexually curious point of view, and it's that horrible voice. Can you say schwing like that? Schwing. Hey, let's go out to the coast. We'll have a good time, right?

That was less Jamaican. Man. Tour dates, brandpristine.com. I got uh tacoma coming up i'm looking forward to that uh i got kansas city coming up looking forward to that um home of the kansas city style cookies oh wait they got something out there that they're famous for. Blaine, you familiar with Kansas City? Hey, hey, hey, hey. Yeah, I sure am.

Right on. I've got that coming up. Johnny Taylor doing most dates with me. Johnny Taylor out there crushing it. We just had a blast in Louisville. And I still have whiskey in my belly. That's it. Anybody else, Dan?

Well, I'm on day four of the five perfunctory testing negative days of COVID. I had to cancel all my January. I had a lot of dates booked in LA for January and they all went bye-bye so i'm going to be probably doing a bunch in in uh los angeles soon because i am messaging all

those people telling them that i am looking to rebook um but yeah probably not till at least february so definitely just look for me to be announcing i'll be at conventions and such to try and be at c2e2 in chicago and i'm maybe at gen con later this year when is c2e2 end of march i think this year it was i don't think i can get my shit together in time but i'd love to go to that this year yeah and i might just go for funsies you know um one of my uh good friends is taking her family and i might just tag along with them but um i'm going to be at those a lot promoting cortex and the dragon prince and uh all that my award-winning tabletop writing so uh you're welcome america and hopefully i will uh see you guys on the road at stand-up

dates as soon as all of that is rebooked and we should kill a couple more minutes just dicking around I got San Diego again this year's in case you're going to be down there Dan oh yes I'm down there again for Comic-Con but oh yeah

comedy company again I got places to crash I would I would love to tag along. That was so fun last year. I got Lucha Vivoom coming up on February 8th and 9th, by the way, if anybody wants to come and watch some Mexican wrestling and crazy shit. Ooh, I would. I haven't gone in

a long time, but that was such fun. Me and Ken went right before the pandemic. It was a good time. Were they wearing masks? See, because... Oh. See, John. They're wearing their masks.

Because they're Luchas. They already wear a mask. Oh, boy. What is that Austin Powers impression again? No, this is a different guy. A guy who spells out his jokes. See? That's the character is that he

tells a joke and then you don't get it. So then he spells it out for you. Oh my god, Blaine, can you bail us out of this and tell us what's going to happen on the next episode of Nerd Poker? nerd poker. We attribute the success. Save mankind. For joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well, on the next episode of nerd poker,

unreleased grand jury testimony, punctures holes in Ken's alibi. And Sarah's right there to bounce all this. And the serendipity singer babies and their tribute to whack on the next nerd poker. P.S. Ken's acquitted. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.