Nerd Poker - S5E27 Walloped Warriors

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

What's a purple worm fight without a massacre? Well, we sure don't know. Everyone is in pieces and its time to see who can be put back together and who is gonna end up all Humpty Dumpty and shattered on the castle floor.  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. You are currently listening to Nerd Poker.

Remember me? We're in some shit, man. We're all going to die. And in this episode, we might, uh, we're in some shit, man. We're, uh, we're all gonna die. And in this episode. Um. We might die, too. For sure. Uh, Ken's here.

Hello, Brian. I'm all up inside your ear holes. Yeah, hope you don't die up in there. Me, too. That'd be weird. I want to get one of those, uh, new, uh, high-pressure water things that just blast shit out of your ears. One of you guys have that?

I have the camera. Oh, yeah? You got the camera one? Your camera. That's cool. I bet. You can see your boogers. Blaine's here.

Blaine's here. Yeah, I've been checking the footage on my up nose. Totally see your brain. There it is. Whoa. Hey, look, I'm thinking about something.

Mine just, I put mine online on only ears. I, you can't unsubscribe from that. Yeah. Dan's here. Hey, Brian. Don't mind me just uploading some pics to WikiEars.

Sarah, hello. Hi. That's a cool background. What's that? Well, thanks. Yeah, let's talk about my Zoom background instead of the earwax situation of everybody. Well, are you in the ear? Do I have a lot of earwax? I do.

I'm sure you have a take on that too. I'm sure you have a... Do you have a system? I have a system which is hands off. I have a very intense earwax situation. Also, I had tubes in my ears as a kid. The surgery where you have like... My ears are extremely

fucked up. In fact, I didn't miss a... I missed three weeks ago, I had an ear infection and had up. In fact, I didn't miss it. I missed like three weeks ago, I had an ear infection and had to miss. Oh, I didn't know that. So yeah, nothing can go in there. What was the tubes in your ears thing when you were a kid? It's like when you're a kid, they like... She's a beauty.

My brother had that too. Come on in, I'm here, you girl. You like can't go underwater with them, I remember. It's like something's messed up with your eustachian tubes and so they put in, I guess, tubes to make them bigger or something i don't know but uh yeah all i remember is waking up at the children's hospital of philadelphia which was a treat because they had a mcdonald's in the lobby how awesome is that mcdonald's in a hospital yeah in the children's hospital in philly it's one-. Yeah, there's an escalator from the table.

The 80s. Wow. Sam. Hello, sweet children. How you doing, man? I'm doing good. Dressed like Minor Threat. Let's do this. Where's that adorable dog? He's right there. Oh, there he is.

We haven't had a ramen at the beginning of the episode in a while can you give us a little click click oh wait he was he's already looking at me i'll go get him yeah he's looking yeah we need to we just let's just play with ramen that's all that i really want and but sam put some pants on oh no oh look at his pink belly he got a haircut, so he's back. See? Hi, buddy. Look at this fat little guy. The vet yelled at me every time I check in because he's fat again. He got a lion cut?

What's that? Did he just get everything cut off? Just a shave? Yeah, I went to the Korean one here in Koreatown and they don't even ask you what you want i just drop them off and they go okay 5 p.m and you go all right and then they just give you a back whatever they think looks best yeah i know a han solo had chewy shave for the summer and chewy was covered in tattoos like mr ro. Rogers? Or Dolly Parton, that urban lit?

Well, the vet needed to leave tattoos on him, remember. Yeah, yeah. Jesus. Oh, wait, what? It means something different in Star Wars. 13s and 88s. Alright, let's thank people. Yeah. Alright, yeah. Anything to take my mind off the fact that next time I see

Sarah, all i will be able to think is that she has a really intense earwax situation my ears are real fucked up how many ear infections does a normal adult get not as many as i do just saying dan i don't know why you need to think about it all the time i just have messed up ears i just think it's always funny when any adult gets like a little bit of pride in like describing their medical situations and that when you're really kind of just you know my whole body is constantly breaking down in weird ways but yeah my ears are part of it they're part of the whole disaster zone wow wow i'm just uh just just thinking about your disaster zone and thinking about all those Patreon supporters who keep us going like Matt Mendoza.

Thank you, Matt. Thanks, Matt. Thanks. Thank you. Wait, I thought we were going to hear Brian play D&D with his wife, kid and noisy dogs. Oh, it's coming. Well, we have a lot of things. Things changed.

We'll get back in Brian's house as soon as we figure some tech stuff out. But listeners, we will tell you as soon as we figure some tech stuff out but uh listeners we're we will tell you as soon as we can tell you i know you ask me regularly on social media child is no longer a child he's a fucking teenager oh my god yeah that's right yeah i saw roads but a few weeks ago and the dude is he's like six feet tall it's's terrifying. It's fucking crazy, right? Thank you, Black Miro. It's a big hit in Balmer. That and Avatar,

The Way of Water. Thank you, Hawkeye Pierce. Thank you, Dick Steinkuhler. Thank you, State Your Name. Thank you, Sardinian Spider Princess. Thank you, Manserv name. Thank you. Sardinian spider princess. Thank you.

Thank you. Man. Servant. Heck you, Bess. Thank you. Yay. Thank you.

See the dungeon. P the dungeon. Tweet the dungeon. Master, AKA nerd poker theme from season one. At least the way I heard it. Exactly. Thank you.

Chris Ayers. Thank you, Josh. Why? Yes. The D is for donuts. Thank you. or theme from season one at least the way i heard it exactly thank you chris ayers thank you josh why yes the d is for donuts thank you thank you sacral and then more characters from another language i don't know which by the way i guess i should back up uh those might not necessarily be this doesn't happen in the last episodes thanks to this might not be asian uh language characters that might be an issue with exporting the file so i apologize uh listeners if you're like wait a minute that was me that's dingbats i'm swedish why is he doing this because i i don't know i have to figure that out and i apologize please message the patreon account and it will get back to me and we'll figure that out if this is you say girl you, Gus's Free Willy.

I am wearing my Gus shirt. Wearing my Gus Boss shirt available at nerdpokerpod.com Thank you, Nug Nugs Tug Tug. Thank you, Nicholas Sherrill. Thank you, Deet Jerkson. Thank you, Phillip Rainsford. Thank you, Michael Berlekamp.

Thank you, Lord Iraqin. Thank you, Skyler McVaugh. Thank you, Michael Burlekamp. Thank you, Lord Iraqin. Thank you, Skyler McVaugh. Thank you. Where are you from? You don't know, Gator. This Gator 50 years old, he been attacked before. That sounds like a reference to something.

Thank you. Folks, we're straight out of hell. The sentence structure leads me to believe this was like somebody with a heavy Creole accent in a meme or something i don't know why i had such a difficult time reading it but it definitely came across as idiosyncratic it was wonder must i guarantee thank you deckard skill so thank you thank you danny's frog face f Of course, the person who demanded a face. Thank you, Dango Merman, a.k.a. Uncle Magic. Thank you.

I'm just. Oh, thank you. I'm just here to deliver the worms. Timely. Yeah. Hmm. Thank you. Thank you, Bud Dwyer.

Tire fire. It's funny because I don't know what it means but i know what the reference is hard to put out thank you jack watkins thank you bathwater snow cone thank you nathan's furry purple carrot thank you thank you homina homina awuga awuga how you doing bri bri what the hell it's texas car out front. I take that as an attack. A cartoon wolf in a zoot suit is very attracted to you, Brian.

I think it's because of that Austin Powers voice you did on the last episode. How did that go again? Do I make you horny, baby? I've been working on it. No. I've been working on it again it's the sudden enthusiasm you have for that I'm really good at impressions here's another one I'm Batman

now that of course is the uh christian bale batman yeah right yeah okay i'm batman oh christopher nolan would be impressed i uh briefly would like before uh before we get to who the Patreon supporters brought to us by acknowledge via the Nathan's Purple Carrot reference we just heard a moment ago yes Chris is still out he'll be back as soon as he can no new information because we're recording this right after the last episode and no

chronological time has passed on our end we will let you know hey Blaine who were those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa push the plunger down push the plunger down damn it this thing doesn't work and that's imperfection imperfection a

fuck Dan what is that even it's fucking amazing imperfection get it like even the commercial he can't get through it because it's not perfect.

It's a board game. It's a board game. Milton Bradley with Milton Bradley. Milton Bradley. Everything went south on that one, you guys. I got it. I loved it. Perfection was the jump scare game.

It really was. Yeah. All right. Well, I believe it is time to talk about Perfection was the jump scare game It really was Yeah Alright Well I believe it is time to talk about What happened last time on Nerd Poker Our heroes managed to defeat the purple worm But at what cost Dr. Uwud Currently himself in half elf form again

Skewered on the butt of the purple worm. Bunk somewhere in the gullet of the purple worm. Danny's arm limp at his side but, well, at least he can punch stuff with one of his hands. Ronnie. That's right, Ronnie. You're not Danny this time. No. Brian got offended.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm Blame the COVID Brain. still in that mode hey everybody let's get down to business dr uid's not doing great and i am going to set a timer because we are out of combat now and we don't have a round of combat to dictate six seconds going by um he's going to start uh failing death saving throws automatically if somebody can't who can heal him unstick him and heal him is he he's not dead he's just unconscious right he's unconscious but there's a spike through his stomach so that's like that's like that's the same

as uh a monster stabbing him while he's laying i guess I thought he slid off when he was the guy. Oops. You know what? That's a great point. Let's see. No, don't retcon it. This is great. He's stuck on the thing. So he's currently skewered, but... I'm flying. I'm also flying. No, you're not. Sorry, Blacky Green. You're not in a bonus episode.

Okay, so the way I will do it is, you have just reverted to half elf form. Let's get a six-sided die. Odds or evens? If you're even, you slide off. If you're odds, you're stuck on.

Six. Alright, so you thud to the ground. six. Alright, so you thud to the ground. You are bleeding out. You are bleeding out. Can I bind him? Queep runs up and does

a medicine check. Let's get it. Alrighty. That's a three, Dan. Oh, no. Yeah, I have the best dice everyone else wanna run up and do something let me know I'm not down there

you can trudge over you're out of combat what's his name fizzpoint fizzbort he's like this is beyond what i can do um well we should slice open the worm and see if you try to get bunked out if he's

still alive yeah all right i'm gonna say creep is heading up farther down the tunnel to lead that since he is well i want to i want to help lane you bet um you can help by assisting um winifred

As she does it Because otherwise you would be doing it with disadvantage Okay With your one arm I'm missing three fingers but I guess it's on my non-short hand Well you still got the two Hang loose fingers on Your other hand

So I would I will, here's the thing. You can decide. What do you want to do? Winifred? Shoot. Yeah.

I mean, I guess I'll go back down in the hole and I'll try and I'll slice open his belly with my sword and hopefully gently see if I can get bunk out of there. Okay. I think they smell bad on the outside. It'll be a strength check to try to cut the worm. Got that.

A strength check? Okay. He basically turns into a wooden door with his own immovable object. That's probably not going to be for me to do them, but I'll try. Oh, that's 17. Oh.

You make a huge shluck and you get you know his belly kind of starting to tauntaun open but you don't like see a stomach sack or anything yet he's too big okay got it I guess careful uh Blaine you automatically fail

a death saving throw as Queep uh does not quite help you with that medicine check and everyone um is doing what they can. Sure. Wait, so he's still automatically failing even though he'd slid off? I mean, there's a giant hole in him. Got it.

Okay, well then, sorry, I will focus there. Because I did a medicine check, he has to fail a saving throw. You rolled a three, which means you were unable to bind his really awful wound which is a much higher so if he's not bound he automatically yeah like like it would have been a whole thing to get him off the tail also so at least he's not on the tail but you still have to deal with this massive wound it's basically like he you know got you know uh shotgun blast or something yeah well the last time or two times ago that I did a medicine check, I botched it. But I will try again to bind his wounds.

Come on, you have a better dice than me. And everyone's helping you, so you can do this with advantage. Okay, well, I got a 19 on the first roll. And then... I guess a 19 is my high roll. Yay! And can Chris do anything? on the first roll. And then I guess a 19 is my high roll. Yay. And can Chris do anything?

Chris, Friar Jolly has not reappeared. Teleport it out of here. Oh, right, right, right. Okay. 19, not going to do it.

So, yep. Going to be another automatic fail for Dr. Uwud. Would you like one more try at this, Winifred? I feel like somebody else

should probably try. 19 wasn't enough? Wow. No. He's got a giant keeping hole in his stomach. Um, I mean, I need a Nature Valley granola bar. So we'll, wait, I'll just cure wounds. I don't know why we're even doing this.

I'll cure wounds on him. There you go. Yeah, he gets 11 points. Or he's conscious, or however that works, I guess. He is... He has 11 hit points, and he is conscious, but he still has a hole in his stomach. I'll say it again.

Does anybody have a Nature Valley granola bar? I need some crumbs in my stomach and all over my car. So basically we need to bind wounds, but he's conscious and fine? Okay, let me be super clear. This is a bad enough wound that Cure Wounds doesn't just magically seal it up, but if you can squeeze a combo of these things in, as I sort of take my little sand timer and go back and forth with it, you can save him.

We're going to reset his death saving throws, but when you cast Cure Wounds on him, his wound only sort of scars over and kind of recedes a little bit. He still has an open wound that is bleeding out. So he gets 11 hit points. And then what's going to happen is I am going to roll the piercing damage that he's going to take, which is less than when he was actively stabbed and had a larger wound. So he is going to go down from 68 plus

10. So this time it's going to be a little more innocent. Seven points of piercing damage. You're down to three hit points, it sounds like. Is someone going to try to bind?

Am I conscious at this point? Yes, you are. Can I cure wounds on myself? Yes. We're just going to keep curing wounds and you're going to keep losing blood until somebody binds your wounds. Correct. However, I'm treating this as him doing

it as you're doing it, as he comes to. Can you bind yourself, physician? He'd have to choose one or the other. Can I bind myself? You have to choose. Did you already roll your Q wounds dice? I did not. You have to choose.

I would bind, because I have more Q wounds, but try to stop the... Yeah, I'm going to bind myself. So you can roll a medicine check with advantage. Everyone's gathered around you trying to help you wrap yourself up and... Or alcohol on the wound and stuff. Medicine is plus four.

14, 18. Alright, you managed to get yourself patched up. However, you are in this very precarious situation your friends can obviously help you rest heal um but much like danny has a numb arm you have a severely reduced movement speed um right now you are down to five feet per turn. Okay. So your movement speed is five.

It's going to slow everyone down in general, but also in combat it means that you're kind of twitching along and you have disadvantage on melee attacks. Okay. I'll take it. I'll take it! Did anybody get a picture of me when I was a big green moss-covered turtle?

I wanted to put it on my Instagram. Bunk is still somewhere in the worm. I'm still going. Now I'm going back to bunk. Now that this is taken care of. Let's get another strength check. Thanks you guys. Definitely shouldn't be me,

but I will just keep doing it because I care about other people. Performative. Winifred is most alarmed. Performatively care about people. That's Winifred's whole deal. That's such a white knight. 18.

What if white knighting was an actual problem in D&D? 18? Mm-hmm. Yeah. You get a little deeper in its stomach, and the lifeless body of bunk slurps out and slides onto the tunnel ground is he dead dead or is he potentially savable uh you can do either an investigation check or a medicine check to have that question answered i will investigate

him okay i investigate his body is it a wonderland? Dirty. Oh, I know. This is romantic. You're the one who picked investigation check on someone's body. But P.S. I got a natural 20 plus 5. So that's a Dutch wonderland. I know. Well, all of a sudden, everything goes into soft focus.

But yeah, as I Vaseline up the camera lens i will say he is uh not moving at all you you don't detect a heartbeat he does not appear to be breathing it's unclear where he would be on as far as how long he's been out but you don't have a great feeling about it um what can i try to cure wounds on him and see if that helps? Absolutely. Okay. So, um,

I will do that. So he, if he has hit points to regain, then he gets, uh, eight back. Um, you do not detect a response from bunk bye bunk two two party members

who had the who had the the brain in the jar um so steve martin that was chris chris did have the ring ch Chris also had Lucas and the brain. I believe so. And he had Edwina in the bowl. He's going to take over the world. Oh, boy. Oh, I'm sorry, Bunk. Nobody has anything to do here.

Bunk revival spray. I'm looking at Fizzbort's spells. Hang on. Speaking of which, before he does anything though, Fizzbort, can you help me out with this finger situation? I have them all nicely wrapped up. I need to be able to create art.

Otherwise, what is the point of living? You're asking about the finger thing? So he... Alright, if you want to heal, otherwise what is the point of living um you're asking about the finger thing so he all right if you want to heal you got to be a bard a druid a ranger a paladin a cleric or an artificer there is nothing available to a wizard um he is kind of mulling over uh he has vampiric touch so he can regain some of his own hit points um i mean i have lesser restoration would you count that as a spell that could do it

oh let me pull that up because it's like it can cure a disease end a disease or a condition so blinded deafened paralyzed or poisoned Could I like combine that with something else in order to reattach my fingers? I would let you roll a medicine check and just say you're casting lesser restoration in the background with it, yes. All right, I'm going to try to do that. I stick those fingers back on.

This is my last spell, by the way, so. And then here comes my medicine check aye aye aye 22 oh yay you manage to just barely clean off your fingers,

line them all up, place them on a little velvet cloth from your satchel, and cast Lesser Restoration while sort of holding it all together, and you get your fingers back on your hand. Wow. Yes. 22, that was the number.

The Banshees of Cloddenheim. Whatever. You should have put them on backwards and pretend to be a Rakshasa. Oh, gross. Those tiger things. Yeah, the tigers that have the hands where the hands are backwards. So, uh, Bisbord says, um so uh Fisbort says

I might be able to try something on uh our deceased friend hang on a second yeah he goes down in the tunnel um he concentrates for a bit uh what would the rest of you like to do Artie

um could I okay we need to, this is, we're in a real situation here. You guys are fucked up, yeah. Yeah, so, uh, we need to rest. Is the plant still, I can't talk to it if my time's up anymore. So, maybe, uh, Blaine, I don't know if Blaine, if you could talk to the plant and see if this would be a safe place here for us to regroup? plant and see if this would be a safe place here for us to regroup? You know, I

have a wand that gives us a Leomund's tiny hut. If we just want to go upstairs and just kind of hang out and hut it up. Sure. Or even here, right? Is there any reason not to be down? Are we even maybe safer here?

What does it feel like? What, down in a wormhole? Yeah, way down in the wormhole. Yeah, we could just stay down here and hut it and be protected from anything even while we're down here. Cool, let's do it. You can do it, yeah. Let's do it.

I'm reading some spell rules. So one second before I can chime back in spell rules brought to you by Renushi, the Renu's air freshener that smells like raw fish and clam gooey duck and oyster keep people out of your house, car and life

with Renushi you? mhm of your house car and life with renushi well this has been fun um i guess i'll see you guys next week all right so um go to patience while you guys so you guys are resting excuse me i'm i'm popping back in i i really had to focus so you guys are going to cast is it liam is tiny hut in the worm tunnel yeah okay so as you guys camp up Um Uh Well we were trying to see if it would be This is the best place to do it or up there

And if Blaine could still talk to the Plant because I can't anymore Um he was going to ask that You're going to ask about Communing with the plant Whether it's better to be down here or up there for our rest I would think down there would feel a little more like you're surrounded By the plant, sure.

So, if you would like to roll, either of you, you may. I can't. I don't have any... What, to speak with plants? Yeah. I don't have any spells left. 14 plus... plus plus 4, 18. You can't quite break into

its consciousness. So you try to focus. It's a bit much. Okay, so Fizzbord's going to try to resurrect. I have Fizzb. Okay. So Fizzboard's going to try to resurrect. I have Fizzboard update. So you see Bunk start to twitch. And he like kind of like gets up and he sits up and he just is kind of looking at the ground. And Fizzboard says, yeah, he doesn't exactly have a heartbeat or uh sentience there

might be something else we could do um but uh he's undead as it were and i i can have him come along but uh he's without his personality until we can find some sort of healer we can find some sort of healer. Like a zombie on a leash? Yeah, why would you do this? Oh, I mean, it keeps him with us. Maybe we can find a cleric or something. I mean, I can heal him.

What kind of healing does he need to have a personality again? He would need some sort of resurrection spell. Oh, God. He's dead. Okay, I really don't think we should be He would need some sort of resurrection spell Oh god He's dead Okay I really don't think we should be carting a dead body around with us I can release him That's what you need

Should we take a vote on this? Do we want to like Have a shambling zombie friend with us? I don't know What is the So there's a chance yes That he could be resurrected, as it were, but... Who?

You've got 24 hours of undeath via this spell that is born in his character. How's Blaine? What do we need to do for Blaine? We're about to rest, and we're going to be fine, but... Okay. But Bunk is dead, but he has reanimated his corpse

to walk around with us for 24 hours. Bunk was our NPC. Yes. So, yeah. Well, he can stay outside of the hut. He's got to sit outside like a dog. If he's cold, you're cold. Can't be inside the bakery. Sorry, Bunk.

I'm so sorry, Bunk. He likes it outside. He has no idea what's going on. Yeah, Bunk just stares straight ahead with pure white eyes. Some Mavis is in the rain. I'm speaking to the core Bunk that exists deep within. The soul of Bunk that is trapped. There's a little Bunk inside all of us.

Between life and death right now. Mavis was outside all last week with the rain. What? Would not come in. Oh, she loves it. Have you seen like a Bernie's Mountain Dog in the snow? I've never had her in the snow yet, but apparently they're insane.

They won't come in because they like it so much outside, and they'll just sit there until they become like snow dogs. That's adorable. And she does that in the rain and she just becomes a puffy sponge until she comes inside. You should take her to the snow. I want to.

We're planning on it. You guys all managed to get away from rain damage for the most part? Yeah, nothing's wrong with the house. The backyard looks terrible, but I mean, nothing happened to it. It was Sam Ansem. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, he did. Oh, that's right. Sorry, Sam. Oh, yeah, the black mold is coming in hot. Mmm, delicious. No, really? Yeah. I'll send you guys a picture.

It's like truffles. Put it on your food. Really not ideal. I saw black mold open for corrosion and conformity. Fuck yeah. That sucks, man. I'm sorry. X is Chubby. So, um, yes.

Here's the thing. You guys can all start doing a long rest to regain your hit points. Can I say, sorry, before we do the long rest, may I request something? Yeah, but let me describe just really quickly so everyone's in the mindset of this. You're not necessarily going into the long rest yet, but you would know

as you do, this is not going to fix the numb arm on Ronnie or the inability to move fast from Dr. Uwud. Oh, so what do we do about my arm? Good question. that's a

discussion point yes um and right now none of you have a spell that can properly heal either of your situations you can get your hit points back um but as far as numbness and like like there's basically been permanent damage to dr uid's stomach muscles um and so it's very difficult for him to just move there goes my eating contest this weekend so lesser restoration stomach muscles lesser restoration won't help with either of those problems um i would how do i put this those would be you could cast a lesser restoration um once per day with a medicine check to try to fix it but it would be a very high dc it would be over 20 dc on the mess okay well i'll try again tomorrow then once i have that spell slot back for one of you and what is magical sleep do for me? Won't that completely heal me?

Magical sleep? Yes. I have an immunity with my fey ancestors. I wish I had that in real life. Wow. Yeah, hang on. Well, immunity would mean you're immune to magical sleep. Yeah, I'm not sure that is currently going to apply, but let me pull you up.

Let me pull you up let me pull you up fay ancestry magical sleep is something a little fancy i'm not familiar with uh michael jackson had it it was called milk he called it milk no yes he called his milk all right milk with a little Jesus juice. Okay, you have advantage on saves against being charmed and magic cannot put you to sleep. Okay, never mind then.

That's all that does. But it's helpful to know you can't be put to sleep. Yeah, definitely keep that in mind. I was going to say, so I'll try Lesser Restoration on one of you tomorrow and then also i do have a couple slots left just a couple slots left get your tickets now for my identify spell before we rest um does anybody have anything that they want me to identify before then i can get the slot back george santos brian didn't you pick up didn't you put on some uh before then I can get the slot back. George Santos. Brian, didn't you pick up,

didn't you put on some, some necrotic, something scary-seeming? I found some Lululemon pants that I can't quite fit into. They are fitted. They are tight. They really bring out the pee stain. I got a wet penny in my pocket of course Sarah

Brian Sarah I believe is referring to the plate armor that you put on that is not currently helping you but you got it from that weird lich in the tower you sort of stole it and just boldly put it on. Oh, he's wearing it?

Yeah, he just straight up put that weird shit on. Okay. And it doesn't give him a bonus because he's a monk. But yeah, that's one thing. A monk-ish. Is that what you were referring to, sir? I don't know. Brian, do you remember that?

Do you have something like that? Do you want me to check it out for you? Yeah, please. Lich better have my armor. Nothing worse than a lich. You can't scratch. Wake up. Liches get stinches.

I will lay hands upon this evil armor, I guess. Okay. And you'll identify it? Learn its properties, how to use them, whether it requires attunement, how many charges it has, if any spells are affecting it. If it was created by a spell, what spell? I think we kind of need a Let's Just Get Stitches t-shirt.

That would sell at Comic-Con. Better make sure no one else has already made it. I'm sure that, yeah. We had a patron named Lich Please for a while. Oh, we did? Thank you, Lich Please. I think it was Lich Please. Maybe it was Lich's Get Stitches.

Okay, I identify. That's a lich. You lay your newly healed hands upon the plate mail that Ronnie is wearing. It's like a cuirass, like an armored cuirass. Son of a lich. You're messing with the son of a lich.

Oh, and this is also my youngest daughter, who's also a lich. Oh, and this is also my youngest daughter, who's also a lich. Sometimes the jokes start, and I just, I'll take a water break. So, um, the, uh, the cuirass that he's wearing once belonged to a death knight. It is cursed.

Oh, a cursed? It is cursed. He's not getting an armor bonus from it again because he's a monk he cannot take it off oh and there is some sort of very mysterious ancient

effect over the course of weeks or days something is happening to Ronnie. You're not entirely sure what it is. What the fuck? I don't know. Well. How do I take it off?

There's a reason it was final sale. Yeah, yeah, there's a spell somewhere that'll take it off. There's definitely, yeah, remove curse would certainly do the trick. Does somebody have that? Uh it off. There's definitely, there's, yeah, remove curse would certainly do the trick. Does somebody have that? No. Didn't I just,

didn't we just say I wasn't prone to curses and magic? That's a great question. Magical sleep. We'll look at that in a second. You know, if you make someone horny.

You have advantage on saves against being charmed and magic can't put you to sleep. Okay. Remove curse is something that you can get if you're cleric, paladin, warlock, or wizard. Fizzbort does not currently have remove curse. Yeah, he does. Well, at least it looks cool.

And I bet it's real comfy. Oh, man. It's a little bit lemon, so yeah. Yeah. Oof. Makes my butt look nice. So there's your identify. And in the morning, we're going to get an attempt to heal an arm or a gullet.

But I believe you're now talking about something along the lines of a watch. Like Hill Time? No. Yes. talking about something along the lines of a watch. Like, tell time? No. And then one of us only has to sleep for four hours, right? We figured out so we can do... I think it was Ronnie, right? Or an elf? One of you half elves? Yes. Yeah, me.

Okay. Alright, I'm watching. Do we have to watch anything if in Liam Munster we're protected? No, you can all just fucking sleep for eight hours if you want. How long does the hut last? 24 hours. Oh, great.

Okay. Alright, well, if you want to would you like to skip watch, Kweep, and just lay the fuck down? Yeah, I'm sleeping. There's been some great facial expressions. I do feel like we're going to have to bring the shambling body in with us, because it might give away our

position then, though. It will save you some time to get bunk undeaded if you only sleep for eight hours, so that is a nice bonus of it. If we leave him just circling the hut or whatever, who cares? Okay.

All right. I take Lord Queep's advice as always is exemplary. Yeah. And whatever he asks, we shall do. Right. Fizzbord is, let's see. Even though Ronnie is our leader.

Of course, Admiral Ron. So, and to be clear too, the shambling corpse of Bunk after 24 hours will no longer be under Fizbort's command, but it will continue to be a shambling corpse. Well, maybe then we're going to kill it, but let's see if we can get it resurrected between you and them. The timer is down 8 hours

as you all wake up with full hit points. Yay! Your spells restored. Sam, we rested! I hope that made you happy this morning. Fuck yeah! I did a lot. Oh my god,

is there anything more delightful than Sam cruising in with high energy midway into the episode? Alright, again, I pray there's no shirt on you. What would you all like to do? What would we like to do? Hey, Dan?

Am I... Is my movement still fucked up it is but guess what you and ronnie are both on the minute clinic waiting list as soon as sarah would like to attempt all right so i'm gonna um i mean i can oh sorry go ahead i was gonna say i have cure wounds too i could he said i have to do lesser restoration spell and a medicine check at the same time. Yeah, and I'm only allowing it once per day because Luckily, Winifred says I am ambidextrous and can perform

many feats at once. I want everybody to look at me while I juggle. I just pull a bunch of balls out and I start juggling. That's what got Andy Dick in trouble. God. I'm retracting

the bit I was about to do. I throw one of the balls at Dr. Ewigs. No, I don't. I would never. Winifred would never. She wouldn't, but juggling is very important to her. Sarah would for the Andy Dick joke, but Winifred very important to her. Sarah would for the ending joke, but Winifred is staring at Dr. Wood being like, look, look at me.

Look what I can do. I see you, honey. That's great. That's great. Writing this in my journal. Who are you? Who's a, who's delicate internal, uh, anatomy are you attempting to reconfigure today? Let's see. Who's going to drag us down more with their problems? Probably Dr. Ud.

His mobility is down. His mobility is definitely down. And his stomach muscle is scarred up the bad way. Okay, here I go. Like that time I went to soup plantation on Memorial Day. Whoa. And now Chris can't even give me guidance. I mean, Dr.

I mean, Prior Jolly is not here to guide me. So here goes medicine check. Hopefully I don't cut my fingers off. Yikes. No. It'll be something new and horrible if you botch. 22. Yeah. 22. Yeah.

Oh. Dr. Uwud, as she attempts to cast Lester, Lester, Lester? As she attempts to cast Lester Bangs and summon him into the room. What does he have to say about give him enough rope by the clash? Great question. We'll have to find out in the next episode

No I'm just kidding But yeah she's able to repair Your stomach tissue Well thank you 22 DC is perf And she concentrates Enough These are sort of homebrew

Long term medical conditions So I sort of homebrew long-term medical conditions so i get to homebrew this solution and yep ronnie your arm is still numb but you feel like maybe tomorrow uh narratively speaking we can have winifred give that another shot winifred quiet finishes her work and quietly goes into a corner to begin the ballad the ballad that is dedicated to the time that winifred winter gem the bard healed the great dr. oed and it goes a little something like this i'm loving it No it's I love that you did anything

Honestly She does more epic poetry I'll write something This is going to take a while Like I said it's an epic poem Yeah yeah yeah Alright well you are now kind of In this situation where you

Are aware of the direction you want to go, but you're definitely down a party member and a half. You're able to move at a regular pace thanks to Winifred healing up Dr. Uid's stomach. Ronnie, your real issue here is disadvantage on melee attacks, which is your favorite, uh, token monk move. Um, yeah. So, yeah, I guess we just continue on looking for the lich and hoping that fire

jolly returns to us. Indeed. So right now you're kind of looking Northeast on the combat map. If you would like to use it as a point of reference. The way looking north on the map is actually northeast. So just imagine the whole thing kind of tilted at an angle. There's that big sort of temple gate up there. And listeners can just had to leave for prior engagement.

So that is why you will not hear Kweep speak up. But, you know, we'll make sure he's in on the action. Yeah, you can go that way. There are also openings in the wall to the right that are kind of sealed up. I'm pulling it up. I'm pulling up roll 20. As you know, it's taxing on my... Don't allow my camera and microphone.

Okay. Oh, wait. So this map is... I'm sorry. Just imagine it tilted 45 degrees to the right. It's a jar being tipped to the right okay but but we're underground but this map is above ground yeah this is above ground you're in a pretty small new tunnel so got it so there's nowhere to go within this tunnel oh did i know because it's brand new and there's just a big worm corpse in it i mean i'm pinging it right here that pink shape is the size of the tunnel that pink phallus is basically where you

are at the moment i zoom in too how'd you guys get that zoom off that roll 20 makes happen great question okay well sorry my face is so close um okay so we're just moving forward anybody want to ronnie which way are we going if friar jolly would hear he'd say ronnie which way do we head it's a great impression um do i have any sense dan why don't you do it yeah get an insight check ronnie oh nice 22 oh it's a lovely number you think that there are possibly secrets in this room and it's a little oh excuse you um there is uh there is a sorry to roast you for a cough that i have done a thousand times in the last couple episodes but um the uh the the path narratively speaking the like path towards the lich is probably most likely northeast through those large chamber doors that are overgrown a little bit but you all have very

good relationship with the plant via winter fred right now um also there is the gate to the southeast or the east ish right on the map that is very very sealed up but you feel like might lead to some sort of secondary chamber not necessarily the way towards the lich um and in general ronnie you would think okay well the lich is down we know he is in some sort of sub subsub-basement deep underneath the Royal Hall, so we're going northeast to try to find the way down via stairs or some sort

of shaft, but you do think that... What'd you say? What'd I say? I've been talking for a while. What do you want from me? Nothing. You are already kind of... Oh, I can dig it.

He's a bad mother... Speaking of digging it, you are slightly underground and you do think, Ronnie, that like, okay, well, he's underneath and we're already kind of underground. There might be some sort of way we could dig down if we really wanted to into the next stage downwards.

Okay. of way we could dig down if we really wanted to into the next uh stage downwards okay um it's because he got a 22. you really just wanted if you wanted to tunnel your way farther down underground into the dungeons of vendaria you could do that but um you also kind of don't know where you're going exactly. No. If you talk to the plant, you might be able to clear your way to the right or straight ahead, and straight ahead is definitely towards the formal entrance

underground. Does Fizzbort have any insight into this? Not really. I mean, I'll remind y'all again that as nice as it is to get answers from NPCs, he is about as far along, or was about as he was like only slightly ahead of you when you bumped into him

by a couple of chambers. Well, if Blaine I mean, if Dr. Uwud or Winifred wants to talk to the plant again, and then and we'll go, we can plan to go through this, what looks like the main entrance remember to compliment if you do it remember to compliment the plant well and Winifred you've got an extremely

good relationship with the plant oh does that hold over does that carry over yeah absolutely it remembers you okay then I guess I will I will do it nature or arcana but do I have to cast the spell as well yes you have to I will do it. Nature or Arcana. Nature or Arcana. But do I have to cast the spell as well?

Presumably? Yes. You have to cast the I'm speaking with animals or plants. And then let's see. Arcana or Nature. Okay. I'm going to do Nature. Oh, no. That's a 10. Well, it's happy to hear from you and your mind is filled with pink blossoms and you're like well it remembers me but it doesn't really understand what you're saying

to it psychically as you try to commune with it okay i just let it know that we're going to continue on through what we believe to be the the correct path and that it was wonderful to meet it. And I wish it all the best. A couple of pink blossoms appear in real life on the branches to the north and northeast. Unfortunately, it doesn't recede because it's not sure what you want exactly. It just knows that you're facing that direction

and it wants you to know that it likes you. The doors look like they have been in disuse and disrepair for years and so it's not just the fact that there are large thick black okay so it needs to move and the doors need to be opened if i approach it maybe it will under collapsed in around it a little bit okay well if i if i approach and i'm kind of like you know maybe it will under... The rocks kind of collapsed in around it a little bit is what I'm saying. Okay, well if I approach and I'm kind of like, you know, maybe it will understand if I get closer. Okay.

Just a thought. You get close and it kind of moves towards you, but it doesn't. It's just not receiving your bandwidth today. Unless you want to cast it again. Dr. Ud, we're simply not vibing today. Is there any way that you could

use your, um, admittedly much more powerful spellcasting abilities than my humble ones to perhaps speak with the plant and see if it can free out of the way? I'm covered with moss. I noticed, and I loved it. Alright, you can

roll a nature or an arcana. Dr. Uber. Let me see. I will do a arcana because it's plus 6 and a 19 to 25. Oh. Finally, you get through

to this plant on a more personal level and you feel your sentience line up with it it seems uh to invite you into this sort of mind's eye inner core of its of its uh brain as it were its psychic brain and um you can tell that it is connected to many above ground layers and also, uh, at least a floor beneath you. Um,

and you could potentially ask it to move its tendrils away from the gate to the North Northeast. Hey, how you doing? First time caller, a long time listener. I was wondering, uh, if we could maybe, you know, just sort of like squeeze past you a little bit.

We're trying to get to the North Gate. I know you're very solid. You're doing a great job. But just get out of the way here. We're just trying to get through here. No biggie. The vines recede slowly from the doorway doorway as Winifred was unable to do. You are the best. You know what? We're going to leave you up a couple days after Christmas.

The gate still slightly caved in ahead, made of solid stone and we'll have to find out how you kick that one open on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Hi, Sam. Hello, sweet children. Alright, episode

27. Despite killing the purple worm, things are not great. Dr. Ewig's stomach is still bleeding out. We cut out Bunk's body from the stomach, like the white knights that we are. We're going to rest in our little hut, which is inside of a wormhole, which is inside one of Sarah's ear holes. Ronnie's still, his hand is in bad shape, and Mavis won't come back inside. But we fucking rested, bro.

Ken left the session because of Brian's Austin Powers voice. Sarah zoomed in for no reason, and then Dr. Ud and Winifred are talking to a plant on a personal level. Yep. That's what happened. That was a solid 27.

Or 25 with two. I can't believe I didn't get to kill off Dr. Ud. Oh, that's why you're wearing a hat. Yep. Visual references. Bleach it. Bleach it. Anything you want to plug, Dan?

Just keep an eye on my Instagram, and if I'm doing anything with writing or performing it'll be there. This is recorded right after our last episode when I was explaining my schedule got zonked by COVID so please just look at Dan Telfer on Instagram. I'll be posting whatever I can there when I can. Yeah, I've got

tour dates, brianpersain.com and then if you're in LA, February 23rd, um, I'm doing, um, a benefit for,

uh, abortion front. Uh, Liz Winstead asked me to do it and it's, it's, it's all guys. Uh, they wanted an all guy show for some reason,

uh, which is easy to do in Los Angeles. Um, but it's, it's all, it's a pro choice, uh, obviously show and we're,

uh, raising money, uh, for this great cause. So, um, and it's like, I think Benson's doing it. I think dana gould is doing it um they asked

a bunch of really funny fuckers so it should be a good solid show where is this at um good question sorry you got plenty of days to figure it out uh look at this it's on my it's yeah it's on my website too yeah this is with two z's he's very but not doing the show it she's got all guys doing it i don't know why but anyway i'm sure it's a statement somehow well it is it's a bros bros for uh for abortion thing or there's a bros for abortion thing. There's a funnier title or a more clever title. But anyway. Abortion? Yeah.

And then I've got a bunch of tour dates on BrianBursain.com. The book I'm doing with Rick Remender is taking forever. So we do not even have it solicited yet, but it's looking great, but the art, I mean, I don't even know if it's going to be out in 23, the way it's going.

So, but we're hoping to get it out this year. Anything else? Blaine, what happened next week on Nerd Poker? We attribute the success to save mankind.

Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well... On the next Nerd Poker, Edwin's ghost possesses Blaine to get closure with his granddaughter. And Edwin's granddaughter gets a restraining order against Blaine. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Madeline within 500 feet. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! On this, and Brian pounds the sleeve of Big Newton's. On the next Nerd Poker. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069

Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.