Nerd Poker - S5E28 Death Fissure

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

Sometimes you just gotta make a giant murder worm explode. Sure there was collateral damage and the room is a pile of rubble, but nobody probably heard anything. Let's just get everyone... mostly patched up and march boldly forth to the north! Sorry no Ken or Chris- Chris will be back soon, and Ken had a last minute thing! We tried to snag everyone, and will ASAP. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. Episode 28.

We're down a couple people. We're Sans,, Chris and Ken. But we're going to make it through it. Thanks for being around and thanks for listening. And look at my friends. There they are. We've got Dan. Hey, buddy.

Hi, Brian. How are you? Happy Monday morning. Yeah, man. When all of us are at our absolute best. Yeah, I've been up for like 700 seconds. Sarah's here. Hello. Hi. How are you?

I'm good. Blaine's here right below you. Look out, Blaine. Sarah's gonna land on you Oh no Mundy Mundy Can't stand that day It's my Baltimore joke What's up buddy

Not much And Looking like The youngest Navy Seal in the group. He doesn't have as much. He's not as war-hardened by the other guys in his troop. Yeah, I've seen some shit now.

Yeah, but you look like you haven't. Yeah. You're still smiling. I've heard war is bad. Yeah still smiling bad yeah cold war is bad he's gonna snap and it's gonna be like a fun snap sam everybody how are you buddy good hello sweet children the sweet children are happy to be back uh let's get in i think i think we should yeah i like the sound of that i'm gonna go ahead

and thank some people wish you would by the way by the way i'm drinking out of a ska mug this morning just for you guys oh nice enjoy pick it up pick it up pick it up pick it up uh i did i picked up and i drank out of it thank you to patreon supporters who go by usernames like Eric Payne. Thanks, Eric. Thanks, Eric. Thank you, Flea47. Thank you, A. Gorilla. Thank you, Douglas Calabrese. Or is it Calabrese?

Thank you, Terry and Billy Spinoff. Oh, boy. That's what Chris is. Chris is coming back just to a full episode. That's Terry and Billy the whole time. I wish. Thank you. I got walls and a roof.

Thank you, Brian and Sarah's just for dogs. Toilet rat turd buffet. No. Wow. I choked on my saliva. Thank you. Dick Trebuchet. Thank you.

Douglas Scott. Thank you. John Matthews. Thank you. Ben Kavalec. Thank you. Clove Thistlefoot. Thank you.

I would rather listen to Episode 6, You Know the One, than ever hear about throat bugs ever again. Thank you, Davona Uppirock. Thank you, A-Hole Kick vs. B-Hole Punch. Thank you, Warthog. Thank you, Alan Manerick.

Thank you, Paco Scott-Or-Die Pluma. Thank you, TotalRadNES. Google it, bro. Thank you, Paco Scott or Die Pluma. Thank you, Total Rad NES. Google it, bro. Thank you, So Behind. I'll go with Priha. Thank you. Cover your eyes, kids.

I don't think this is the Bilbo District. Oh, I like that. Thank you, Scott Parker. Thank you. I just farted a little, but I think something came out prepare for the smell kind of frighteningly casual thank you meat puppet thank you

I once tried growing a beard back when I had a waving team but then it started getting scratchy so I grabbed a big pile of oh I get it you see what they were trying to do there I'm I still So I grabbed a big pile of, Oh, I get it. Um, you can see what they were trying to do there.

I'm, I still have a cold, everybody. I'm not, uh, I'm not sick as some people on the show, but I am not all here with my funny wits. Thank you.

Sig free and Roy. Thank you. Ziggy keelmeister. And finally, thank you for watching my airport bags at the plane station. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by... Shush Sock Steve.

The soft cereal that keeps it down. Make a lab snap. Hear a hack crackle. Stop pop. There's a quiet cereal in town. Part of this quiet breakfast shush song steve a hangover cereal and apple eye buds when you don't have time to look at your phone dan lane thank you so much that was a delight and i have one more special thing to do with

patreon supporters uh we have a backlog of folks who we have to announce as our very special drawing winners. Oh, shit. Some top tier folks gonna get some stuff. Thank you very much to our giveaway winners, Shootin' Runner, Zach

Clerk, which I believe is the correct spelling. Thank you. Finally, also, Ms. Construzzi's, the bit that never fails to land. Ms. Construzzi's, dear God, make this horror end. You guys are all very special, but those three, check your pockets because we just stuck something in there. Funding for our winners provided by the Chubb Foundation foundation giving you half a tea cake on a road trip i'm so glad we have sponsors for everything it's so handy and uh now because i have a cold i will not do the voice but i will go deep i guess and tell you what happened

last time on nerd poker our heroes got the absolute shit kicked out of them by a big fucking worm and rolled a whole bunch of botches and I thought it was very funny. Right now I'm kind of having a hard time giving you the recap because Sarah's fucking with her green screen and the green mug that she's holding and it's more interesting than this podcast

basically so I'm super into it. Anyway, our heroes are now regrouping putting their limbs back on and rubbing some aloe on it and crossing their fingers what fingers they still have we now take you to the heroes already in progress so uh yeah um we've got i got mine back huh oh i know your fingies are stuck back on your handies um believe blaine you got gored and and winifred if i'm not mistaken you did enough special medicine checks that he is no longer fucked up in the gut right yeah we're like traveling now we're moving and we had i'd fixed him up because he was like the worst off, I think.

You're still in the room where you killed the purple worm though, right? Like you're just about to travel or no? No, I think we had left. I think we had just moved out of there. I thought because we had right when we were just moving. Y'all, we've been sick and stuff. Yeah, I had COVID-21. when i when when we were just moving y'all we've been sick and stuff um yeah i had coven 21 i think we all know how that works yeah we've uh we haven't recorded a regular episode of us i'm just checking my mapsies but um well if we had if we i thought we had we had rested in liam in the hut

had if we i thought we had we had rested in in the hut and then um and then i thought we had just started traveling but not by a lot if we yeah you know um this is my bad listeners uh but i don't have a note about whether or not you went one of um the three things you were talking about you could either go north um which looks like you were last go yeah you could go you could go north like which is kind of like up through the big huge arches it probably led to some sort of royal chamber at some point where you've uh it's been it's been hinted to you that there is a pathway down over there um there is some sort of chamber that is sort of partially concealed to the east and then you guys were also you had a whole discussion that i can't remember exactly how it went about just digging straight

down i think we had maybe we'd move to the chamber and if not maybe we just maybe we can just say that we're doing that if it's not marked down yet sure um i did not mark it down i feel like i should you could pause yeah let's pause for a second and listen because this feels like important narrative that one of us should have written down so hang on listeners all right so you guys have apparently just gotten the vines off of the main chamber door to the north. And now there are large, well, it's two doors, two big stone doors ahead that are closed, but were previously kind of vined off. You could now try to touch the doors, open the doors. Listeners, just as a quick reminder,

Friar Jolly still warped away somewhere. And Queep, I will be piloting at Ken's behest. Friar Jolly still warped away somewhere And Queep I will be piloting At Ken's behest So yeah and he's not Here to laugh at my two doors down where they're Laughing and drinking and having a party joke Now do we also have a shambling corpse

With us you have Yeah Brian but in addition To Brian who's not actually a player Character he's controlling a character called um but in addition to brian who's not actually a player character he's controlling a character called ronnie but um in addition to that there is the shambling corpse of bunk uh also known as bunkalchi rankin boing and he is currently being guided by fizzbort the wizard who tells you you've got about 18 hours left before the corpse loses its temporary sentience. And he says he thinks by keeping it animated as such, he is delaying the decaying process and you could potentially revive him.

But it is a very ticking clock. Find a healer with that kind of ability. OK, so I can check this door for traps. You sure can. First. OK. Side of hand or investigation? Okay, so I can check this door for traps? You sure can. Okay. Side of hand or investigation? I think that if you're checking for traps, that's investigation.

I have a detect magic I can put up at will, so I just want to make sure there's no... Oh, okay. Sweep this thing. Yeah, okay. Sweep this thing. Yeah, there's magic on this door. There is sort of a dark blue aura on it. I've got a 24 on the crap check. Lovely.

Okay, so it looks like there has been some sort of, first of all, via Dr. Uwud, who I'm sure, Winifred, you're going to love hearing this from. Transmutation magic has been cast on this door somehow. And as you sort of look up along the ridges of it, you can almost sense the magical field radiating off of the large stone doors. Transmutation, man. Dr. Uwud, tell us, what do you think that means? Well, transmute means what I think it means. It's when G-Force of Battle of the Planets, also known as Gatchaman in Japan, use their abilities to change from their street clothes

into their bird outfits. Queep loves that joke and says Akula reference, but transmutation magic is actually something that is kind of up Dr. Uwud's alley.

A lot of molding earth, a lot of thorn whip, that kind of stuff. Okay, so did I find any traps with my 24? You think that might be a magic trap. You don't see any physical switches, triggers, anything like that. But it does almost feel like the doors have a sensitivity to them where they will react magically to the touch.

Okay, I have dispel magic. So should I cast that on the doors guys yeah so that's gonna be if I'm not mistaken a roll but it is you add what level it's like something you add the levels DC is the 10 plus the spells level. Yes. For me, I'm casting it in third. Right. And you spell a third level or lower and any spell of fourth level. I have to make them or higher.

I have to make the ability check. You will have to be making an ability check. Yeah. Okay. Y'all are level 11, level 11. I made this hard. Yeah, it's a... So is that just my spell modifier? When it says using my...

What is that? My spell modifier. Add your spell modifier to a roll. And then, yeah, it's 10 plus the level of the spell, which means it's going to need at least a 13. That is a natural 20. Oh, shit. All right.

Well, you'll love this. So, Winifred, do you want to narrate what this spell sounds like in a poetic sort of way or? Yeah, of course. She steps up, throws her arms out wide, like, you know, savior style, and is like, be gone, magic.

See you later, spells. For I am here now, and all shall be well. And she like moves her hands up in the air dramatically. Does like a little kind of spin and move. Somehow gets like a fan going on her hair. So it like blows back. Transmute hands. Which by the way, I saw Hall and Oates at the Hollywood Bowl

and he had a fan going the whole time, Daryl. And it just looked great. I'm sure it was cooling him down, but it also made his hair look fantastic. Sweet. Well, a gust of wind made Sarah smile. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Oh, gosh.

Can we stop dating for a second while I laugh? Oh, God. I can't believe that. I'm sorry not laughing harder. Oh, that's a bitch, girl. Oh, God, I can't believe that. I'm sorry not laughing harder. Oh, that's a bitch, girl. Oh, my God. Sorry, I'm more of a Phoebe Bridgers guy. But the wind starts knocking your hair back, Winifred, as the doors turn suddenly from stone to water

and just gush down to the floor. All of you get hit hard with a wave SeaWorld style as it just splashes into your faces. Oh, I'm full. I'm full Ariel on the rock in Little Mermaid. I'm just like. Oh, OK. Well, that's that's delightful. But also, can everyone please do a constitution saving throw?

Is this a save against Gallagher show? Oh, it's better than that. You're going to love this if you fail. And I'm rolling for queep. 16 plus 3, 19. Delightful, you passed. Nothing happens to Dr. Uwet in this particular unfortunate incident. Oh, here she comes.

I'm going to wash you off. What kind of saving throw, dude? A constitution, my friend. Okay. Queep and Fizzbort make it. I'm letting Bunk be immune to this one for reasons that will be apparent soon.

Uh, nope. Oh, buddy. One plus one is two. A huge... uh nope oh buddy one plus one is two a huge a huge wave of water splashes against you you all manage to hold your ground with your feet none of you get knocked backwards

but um Winifred and Ronnie uh you unfortunately feel something bite you um and you're not sure what it is. Winifred, you get hit right in the arm and Ronnie, you get hit in the neck. The water recedes, you're all soaking wet,

but you two look down. You've got giant, like three foot long leeches stuck to you. Nah. Ugh. All right. Help me. is uh stuck to you nah all right help me uh well i've got i've got produced flames so i'm gonna go up and do the do the tick thing on them where i grab them uh and burn their butts and then they back out before this uh horrific surgery happens i will note there is now a new chamber ahead of you uh yes so i have a reaction that i think that would just that would be the first timeline wise that would happen right yes reactions are uh you can

retroactively introduce so um i'm going to use one of my level up things i can't remember if i've used it yet but it's called gift of the gem dragon tell sorry my kid's yelling. He loves the gift of the gem dragon. It's called Gift of the Gem Dragon Telekinetic Reprisal. When you take damage from a creature within 10 feet of you, it's attached to me, so yeah. You can use your reaction to force the creature to make a strength saving throw, and on a failure, it's going to take 2d8 force damage and be pushed up to 10 feet away from it.

Wow, that's perfect for giant leeches for some reason. It's like you knew. Wow, that's perfect for giant leeches for some reason. It's like it's it's like you knew. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. He told you, you knock this thing right off of you. Cool. So he's going to he's pushed and he's going to take to the damage. All right. Roll that damage. Forced him when Fred has been tubing in this rapid river before and is ready.

Um, yep. Uh, six. All right. It doesn't die, but it gets whipped against a wall and wriggles away and you notice there's, you know, a couple dozen of these things writhing on the ground right now. Um, Dr. Uli, you're going up to Ronnie then in particular, who has a Three foot long leech stuck to his neck As the water drips off of him

Okay Can I just grab this leech in a doctor fashion? Because you know doctors and leeches I do, Steve Martin taught me I'm going to do some Producing some flame on my hand Executive producing some flame from my hand Producing really is...

Yeah. Where is it coming from? Yeah, are you an EP on this flame? Yeah, I just kind of show up. I own the copyright of the leech, so that's really my contribution to it.

But I'm going to produce a little flame on it. 2d8 fire. All right. About the same potential damage as the... So 13. Ooh, you fry it right off of his neck. All right. All right, well, you toast it

and like a snail in the sun. Yes, Blaine? I was going to say that. My plan B was I was going to animal transfer it, turn it into a big leech with like lipstick and a blonde wig. And you must have been a beautiful baby starts playing and the leech's eyes go awooga. Exactly.

You have to save against Avery. Well, Ronnie has been freed. A tiny droplet of blood dripping down his neck where a tooth only found purchased for a moment. Brian. Brian has been freed too. Brian has been freed from the burden of nerd poker and has left the room during this momentous moment.

We don't see him anymore. He just simply disappeared. Well. So, but the doors are open yes yes um yes yeah so let's just i will i guess so there's a bunch of dudes on the ground um so we could just leave them right they're just riding around yeah i mean you can pretty casually step over these guys. They're not growing legs.

I'm running after you like I want them to. I'm really, really tempted to give them legs, you guys, really. At least like little plesiosorphins. We gingerly step around these dudes. Unless anybody wants like some, that fried one, does he look tasty? Like some fish and chips? Russell up some onion rings? I just, I just, I keep thinking about that scene

in King Kong where Andy Serkis just got eaten by all those leeches. I was, he's great at everything. Oh my God. Andor, am I right folks? But as a vegetarian, I don't have any calamari jokes ready to go. So I will, I will pass on diverting

into a delicious fried leech moment. And Brian's back. Brian, you've been freed. Oh, nice. The leech has been burned off of you. So we're just going to step around these leeches and keep going. Sounds good. Sorry.

Wriggling on the floor. Delivery up front. Hmm. Did you get fish and chips? Because that's what we were just talking about. I got from... Have you ever had deep fried leeches, Brian? Arthur Teacher.

Arthur Teacher. Andy Serkis says Arthur Teacher. Oh, man. Did you see it? He's great at everything. Oh, my God. All right. So we're doing hopscotch around the leeches. And we're heading up on the map towards this thing.

Yeah, you're heading up. I'm going to ping it just to be clear, but you are going through this gate up here to the north-ish up. Ahead of you, there is a smaller chamber that still has pretty tall ceilings. There are marble pillars and an uncanny cleanliness in this room. There is an immaculate pattern rug that runs lengthwise down the middle of the room. In the middle of the room there is a round table. There

are three chairs to the right side and the left side each so there are six chairs at this table it's got kind of a council vibe to it but you would all definitely be a little creeped out by the fact that this room seems untouched by the eons there's what looks like newly

dusted tapestries on the wall depicting elves in heroic positions standing over slain monsters bringing food to a crowd of people stuff cool there's no nobody has any sort of true seeing or anything it's a great question I would look at your own spells yeah i would think um queep definitely wouldn't and friar jolly might but he ain't here folks i'm looking at fizzbort but i would look at your own spells dr uid yeah are there any plants in this room great question why don't we get a perception check specifically from winifred none of you other guys would really be um looking for plants unless you've got an idea for why

or Winifred wants to recruit you or something. That's just a seven. All right. Yeah, I mean, you don't really see any. Hmm. Hmm. Okay, so I'm looking at the... Wait, why?

I'm on the map, but I don't see this weirdly clean room it is not on roll 20 at the moment oh I'm sorry I apologize I always I'm always embarrassed when you guys look for something I didn't pull up but no no nothing at the moment um okay well let's I guess let's all just investigate the room that's all all we can do right now. Yeah, I'd like to stay off the carpet. I feel like the carpet is some sort of like a... I mean, because I just stepped in some dog poo and I don't want to get yelled at by our host. But yeah, I feel like the rug is...

So Dr. Ud warns us to stay off the carpet I assume Yeah and I'm looking at Fizzbort's spells because I got some feedback from listeners that they think I should be more generous with NPCs and their ability to help all of you so I am doing a real like he's got

some stuff learned I don't know that he's got anything that would immediately occur to him he has a lot of offensive some stuff learned i don't know that he's got anything that would immediately occur to him he has a lot of offensive stuff and a couple like necromancy things but not a lot like you know he can do his anti-magic field um but like so i can just actually tell doctor i can just tell dr ewood you know? I would have done this anyway, because she would always be trying to impress him. So I would have been like,

there's no plants here, but I was trying to speak, see if we could, you know, that ability that you and I share that you are so much better at. And just did, I was trying to see if there were any plants who could tell us what was going on in here.

But alas, it looks like it's been freshly room bud, and nobody is nothing's in here to report, but that was what I was thinking. If there was something that would have seen what was happening in this room. But if you have any ideas for me, I am open to

them because I have just been, it's been such an honor to work with you. And I look forward to our continued collaboration. This isn't going towards your grade, you know. It totally is. Here's a shiny apple for you. Some more details about the room would include that there is cobblestone,

other than that lengthwise rug that leads up to that council table. There are lit torches on the marble pillars, giving the room natural light, also unnerving, I would think. And there are three new doors to the north, east, and west. Interesting. Okay. And there's magic coming off of... Is there magic pinging on any of this stuff?

Great question that you have not asked yet. So, hello, Mavis. She's... Yeah. Good girl. She is a good girl. I'm glad you let her know. The... The table, she is a good girl i'm glad you let her know um the the table the rugs the torches and the doors all have magical auras yes okay so there's something else beneath this

i mean should i dispel magic again i don't want to keep using my the last time i did that we did get through the door but we also got attacked by leeches so but i guess it's up to the group we do group small group it's an intimate group yeah just the three of us yeah so y'all gotta step up for the for the folks who couldn't be here today uh it's it's big decision time this room seems to be very magically enhanced um and all right i'm just spelling after you cast detect magic which i would you know you said you didn't want to touch the carpet right away but you would all feel a little bit relieved that that was noted okay okay i'm dispelling magic again. All right, let's get that roll. A lot of fancy higher level spells in this castle that will not be easily dispelled. Yeah, that one was not so good. So that's a 13 this time.

Yeah, what were you trying to dispel specifically? Any one thing? I guess i was just directing it at like what seems to be an illusion or whatever we he he said you said the table i guess i can start with yeah you'd have to pick something honestly okay i'll pick the table oh okay when you attempt to dispel i'm sorry my chair is so noisy today um in an attempt to dispel the table there is a low groaning noise

as if something wood is buckling under pressure despair and agony on me whoa I need to pause one second I'm gonna go blow my nose please discuss amongst yourselves so the table is not getting dispelled?

It made a groaning noise. Ew. Yeah. I think an unpleasant groaning noise. Table? I don't think so. This is a... some other kind of thing. So, I guess we're just pausing here. I'm not actually trying to entertain

anyone. Are we ever? Yeah. Wait, I know. Oh, hold music. Hold music. Let me see a doggy. Yeah, she hasn't seen you guys in a long time.

Oh, man. It's hard. We should be getting close to being able to return. There's somebody I follow online who has a Bernie who's the same age as her and they just

lost her and so I'm just like ugh. She's technically she's their age she's the age that they live to oh yeah you know cause they have shorter lives they only generally live to be 8 years old so uh

she's 9 and I'm fucking like I've been really attached even more lately because I'm just like, I don't even know. I'll be a fucking mess. So it's special for her though to have gotten I mean, the dogs don't care about the pandemic except that they got to see you all

the time. No, no. That is special in a way. What a good few years for her. Yeah, totally. Sam, you should mark this as where Dan went. Yes, I'm super congested. Sorry guys, doing my best. Yeah, totally. Sam, you should mark this as where Dan went to. Yes, I'm super congested. Sorry, guys. Doing my best. All right.

All right, yes. Lean on, sweetie. And we're back. Let's keep... Let's talk about the table, the low low groan it sounds like it's echoing through the room um it did not work no this was going to require at minimum um uh i think it's a 13 or 14 but it's it's higher than that so you're unable to dispel it from the table um i bet that table like if we sat down at it it wouldn't let us stand back up and then the lich would come in and like give us bad food or something.

Oh, you know what I should have done? I didn't realize I could do this. I could have cast it at a higher level. Lesson learned. Next time. Yeah. Probably. All right. So guys, do we want to investigate this info we know that this room is filled with like illusions now we can either investigate them further or we can just

move on well can i get a perception check from everybody should use your illusions i will uh 16 plus 420. We're going to check, but... Perception, please. 7. Fizzbark gets a 19. Queep gets a 12. Perception. Bunk stares blankly into the middle distance oh nice

25 18 plus 7 damn y'all well Ronnie Dr. Uid as you're kind of looking around the room trying to figure out what might be the next thing you should get rid of you see a fissure floating in the air

beginning to form above the table. It looks like waves of blue smoke turning in on itself. That is slowly expanding outward. It's floating about 10 feet above the table. Ceiling's about 30 feet high. So I tried to show it to everybody. There's a, there's a fissure there.

There's something happening. Hmm. I rolled a seven and I simply don't see it. Trust me. It's right there. It would have been the kind of thing that would have developed further had nobody rolled high, but you guys are doing fine. So the fissure expands to be about 10 feet wide and stops

and you hear a low voice fill the room that says you are to remove yourselves from this chamber at once. Oh man, it's Paul Blart Maul Lich.

You see a glowing red number five appear in the air above the fissure. What? It's not alive, is it? Is it a countdown?

Better not be a final countdown, Brian. We were just looking for the bathroom. Why do you, why do we need to leave? It's a very beautiful room here. This place is sacred. None of you belong here. It ticks down to a four.

Ooh. The number seems to rotate. We probably don't want to be in the room when one ticks. Yes. Can we, who are you? I prepared some things for this. I think we should start to jet.

I think we shouldn't be in here when one ticks. I am King Valix the first. None of you know this as your homeland. I was born here thousands of years before any of you know this as your homeland. I was born here thousands of years before any of you came into existence. This is

your final warning, and it ticks down to a three. Let's go. Okay, we're gonna leave, but Dan, can you just give us a quick history lesson to remind us who Valix I would be versus who we're dealing with? Yeah, King Valix I, the current history lesson to remind us who valyx the first would be versus all right yeah king valyx the

first the current arch lich lording over the continent he was not really born here thousands of years ago on your timeline by your timeline he is about 250 years old but he warped this castle to another plane of existence where it aged for thousands of years fell to necromancy and came back he has long been since made undead wouldn't he definitely know dr uid and uh queet because they turned him from a homunculus into Sure. I mean, he's not exactly engaging in small talk, though, yeah. Yeah. So that's, this is all going on in the background. Dr. Ud is making his analysis. Are you booking it south out of the room?

We're gonna get out of here, but I knew you when you were a homunculus. It's nice to see you haven't done shit with your with your gig. Dr. Ud, will you roll an intimidation check against the arch lich, please? How about a 17? Will you roll a dexterity saving throw, please?

Sure. So you all turn to leave the room. 19. Ooh! Sure. So you all turn to leave the room. 19. Oh, and Dr. Uid, as you throw this quip over your shoulder, you see an arc of lightning flash out of the blue smoke. And you're going to take half of. You do to do. And you're going to take half of... 30 points of lightning damage.

What? That's half of that? Yeah, boss. Okay. Oh, so I took 60 or I took 30? You took 15. Oh, 15. Okay.

And you all just hear this like rip and bang as it hits Dr. With's back as he kind of turns away from it. And you can see the moss on his back is singed. My moss. Wow. You had thicker skin when you were a homunculus. You all leave the room back to the one you just came from and uh fizzbort kind of like signals like hey let's maybe go around the wall so the smoke can't stare at us if that

makes a difference let's just kind of regroup over here sure he says in a voice that sounds remarkably still kicking down in the other room? You peek around the corner and it is not. Sidebar, Blaine, you should play a bard next season or whenever because there's, I was just thinking, there's so many like cutting words. There's so many opportunities you have to insult people, to make jokes, to do like, I just feel like, plus you get the spells.

It's like you would just be such a stellar bard. A lot of the spells are named after what blaine naturally does yeah yeah i feel like it wasn't i fun i was a bard wasn't i a bard yeah you've been a bard twee yeah twee was twee yeah but it's different now right because now bards are like the way they've done magic classes in fifth edition is like bards are as magical almost as everybody else okay we're getting away from the smoke all right what is how does queep feel about seeing the arch lich or hearing him again i want to kill it he says let me let me swing my accent let me. I'll throw my axe at that smoke. Do you need, Blaine, do you need, I mean, Dr. Uid, do you need any healing?

Oh, I can do some, I have some, a healing spell I can take care of. Okay, so we're scooching around this room. Yeah, I mean, you could go back in. You could see what happens. What if we go back in and then just book it to one of the other doors because do we need to go through here to get where we're going also the fact that this is the first time he has like spoken to us in the castle is kind of interesting like why would he not want us in that room fizzbort suggests a couple of things. He says, one, we can send Bunk in as a decoy, or if any of you have Unseed Servant, we could book it. I can't guarantee he won't start the

Countdown back at three when we go back in there also. And that, you know, that might continue to tick down if we go through one of the other doors. continue to tick down if we go through one of the other doors. Just from a strategy position, we should think about why he would want... We've been wandering through the castle for a while. Like, why can he... You know, the fact that he can see us now. Now he knows we're here. Did he know before?

Why would he not want us particularly in this room? Well, it's my understanding there is some sort of library to the north once we go through that room uh that is the council chamber there is a library through there and then the king's private quarters are through a series of stairs that leads from the back of the library we are about two rooms from the the staircase to the dungeon so so to speak, below the royal hall. What if I do invisibility on the sneakiest of us and someone tries to sneak through

and see if he can see? I would certainly ask what level you're casting it at. I think probably Danny, I mean, Ronnie is going to be the sneakiest person, right? I can do invisibility oh yeah I can do a greater invisibility which yeah I can do greater

invisibility so it's a concentration spell and I just have to touch him and he's invisible for up to a minute. Nice. Ronnie, do you want to try that to see if you can sneak through the room invisibly? Yeah. All right. So you get me. Is there an ultimate goal?

What am I? What am I? What am I looking for? Am I trying to get all the way through the room? We're trying to see what's past. Like, why does he not want us in the room? Like, if you look. So am I trying to go all the way through the room? We're trying to see what's past. Like, why does he not want us in the room? Like, if you look past... So am I trying to go into the books here? Into the library?

Right? Should we? That makes sense to me. That we want to see what's ahead and see if I can get in. Okay. Yeah, and then see if there's like a way around. Maybe there's another entrance or something, but... I'm going to go stealthily as quickly as I can. I'm not going to dally in there, you know.

Great. Can I get a stealth check from you, Brian, with advantage? Sure. You would know not to step on the carpet. Oh, real low, but I get to know this door you're heading towards is magic also. Is there any numbers I can apply to my number? My highest number is an 11.

This is just stealth. Did you roll using the stealth button on D&D Beyond? Oh, no. Because that will add your plus. So next to stealth, if you click where it says it. Oh, yeah, that's what I hit. Oh, you did. Oh, what oh you do well it adds my plus 3 yes well it's advantage so you get the higher

of two rolls oh you only have a plus 3 oh sorry I should have stealthed I assumed Ronnie would be the stealthiest but you know what happens when you assume no I know my I have crazy athletics and I have crazy acrobatics but my stealth is only a plus 3

so no 11 was my highest roll I have crazy athletics and I have crazy acrobatics, but my stealth is only a plus three. So no, 11 was my highest roll. All right. When you assume you make a TT out of you and B, that's a butt, folks. I think you're going to get pretty far across the room lovely um and you get all the way up to the door you don't think you've been

noticed the blue fissure of smoke is still there but no numbers are appearing the weird sort of non-sentient being look of this like roiling blue smoke definitely is unnerving you're not sure if it's looking at you right but you get to the door to the north there is a carpet leading up to the north door

as as uh as it kind of like goes right up until the edge of it and you know this door and the carpet are magically enhanced somehow ronnie so you could try to pass through it you could examine it you try to open it yeah you could wait you could ask your pass through it. You could examine it. You could try to open it. Yeah. You could wait. You could ask your friends something. I would examine it first. Cool. Investigation check, please.

Sure. You're, of course, leaning over the rug, but not touching it. 13. It's opening a door. Does that does that break invisibility spells? Any of that kind of stuff? That doesn't count as an attack. It's my concentration spell that's making him invisible.

Hopefully not. Maybe if he takes damage. I don't know. 13? It looks like there is a simple steel lock on it oh um Ronnie doesn't have a lock pick does he that's a great question I don't think think he he I think he does actually. Yeah, like have basic.

Oh, okay. His tools. But you don't have like thieves like I think. I have I have the thieves tools. I got. Yeah. I mean, would I have given them to him if we were? Yeah, that's what I mean.

Like, like between you, you have them and you wouldn't have let him go without him. So I'll say for funsies, yeah you've got some picks in your pocket okay you want to roll that hand check yeah 15. slide it in um you hear a steel click and right as it happens there is um um you hear a steel click and right as it happens there is um a pop of energy can you do a deck saving throw please ronnie yeah huh crit sweet you pull your hand away right the last second as this this sphere of white bangs out yeah 27 lock. I got a lot 27 on that one. Yeah, nice. Right when I needed it.

Yeah, you pull your hand away. It looks like it would have burned your hand pretty bad. You unlock the steel lock, but there is some sort of magic protection on the door. Cool. Solid avoidant moment. You think there is? Yeah, you've gotten rid of one aspect of the door but it's still magically protected

also loud noise in the room oh behind me you just made it oh right okay so I'm gonna quickly try to get through uh you're gonna try to open the door oh but now no cause I think there to try to open the door?

Oh, but no, because I think there's something else on the door, right? I think Ronnie would go, yeah, like if I touch the little latch on the door, that might happen again. Hmm. And also, Ronnie. Oh, I'm sorry, Sarah, but if I may. Can you try to disarm

the trap? Especially now that he's set it off, he might know it better than before. Yeah. my blade well my you know remember i have that arm blade that i could yeah i mean as a as like a tool you guys are delightfully optimistic but i feel i need to uh not only interrupt but go back and uh clarify something ronnie did just disarm a physical lock but there is a magical protection that there's no way he could use his arm blade or a lock pick to undo okay um in addition to that there was a loud bang and Ronnie you hear a voice echoing behind you I thought I told you to stay out of this room sneaky one. Your little nicknames. I'm going to stealthily try to go back and tell my

friends that I need something else. Alright, please roll a stealth check. No advantage this time. You are still invisible, but he knows you're there. Thirteen. invisible but um he knows you're there so uh yeah 13 yeah you make it out

oh shit you needed to roll 13 was that the number i needed awesome i thought it would be short i thought it would be i i'm giving it to you because you're invisible too like if you it would have been like impossible if you weren't invisible cool that was scary hey guys I got a lock off

but there's still magic on the door and I I woke in the spirit again he knew I was in there, so I booked out. Okay, well, the good news is that I have... If I'd known there was a lock, I have knock. So from 60 feet away, I can actually magically unlock the door.

Not enough. Yeah, I think it's less than 60 feet. She can do it by stepping only into the room by so it does make a loud noise again so it would be one of those things but it's like if you choose a target that tells you with an arcane lock the spell will be suppressed for 10 minutes during which time it can be so the the guy will hear the spell happen yeah also will you be invisible yourself yeah i don't know that you have to walk 10 feet in the room to reach it invisible yourself yeah i don't know that you have to walk 10 feet in the room to reach it okay so yeah i could i could so that would be an option and then if we just again if we just want to try to pile through like will he be able to get us

if we go through to the other room hey should i uh should i hit that cloud with a couple of uh eldritch blasts while you do a thing. Yeah, maybe if we all, maybe if so, if we just like, we do like a run where it's like, before he knows what's happening, I'm in, run in, I cast the spell, I cast knock, it unlocks it.

We just pile through that back door. Yeah, I'll take the lead. I mean, when you hit knock on it, I'll already be sprinting uh stealthily towards it towards the door and then and then i'll hold the door open for you guys let's try it okay it's crazy enough that i'm sorry sorry i was uh i don't uh i'm gonna hit it with something else i'm gonna do a uh a call lightning on it because I was thinking of, of course, blacky green. Oh.

Okay, and then, so as an action before I do that, I'm gonna just strum on my loot, my lyre, and I'm gonna say, bravery! And that's gonna give everybody a counter charm. So everyone within 30 feet of me now, which is everybody here, gets advantage on saving throws against being frightened or charmed until the end of my next turn. Love it. Term or turn?

I think I meant turn. Are you an elected official? Yeah. Or turn. I think I meant turn. Are you an elected official? Yeah. Additionally, Kweep says,

you want me to attack the cloud? Or you want me to run once Ronnie gets through the door? It's not Ronnie. We're all going to run at the door. And as we're running, I'm going to cast knock. And it's going to magically unlock the door. Okay. Suppress the spell that's on it. And then Ronnie's going to open the door and leave it open for everybody.

Right. All right. Um, I'm good. And I'm going to call lightning. I love it. I'm going to call lightning and I'm going to, uh,

have some of the lightning use the blue smoke that's coming out of his crazy lightning hole to, to do it. Just make sure it's not, how will it, is there, hang on a second here. Well, his crazy lightning hole to do it. Just make sure it's not... Yeah, hang on a second here. I got some call lightning questions.

Call lightning. Call lightning. You always let me down. Call lightning. On the line, call it. You don't need the smoke, but you can center it right in the smoke if that's what you're asking. Yeah, I'd love to

and have the lightning just go right back up the chute. Is there enough of a radius for us to get around the lightning blast safely? Well, I think the lightning blast would be going up into the thing in the ceiling. It's a 60 foot radius, so yeah, the room is about 70 feet in diameter.

You would have to run all the way around the ridge of the room but um i think that makes sense anyway so let's do it yeah everybody stay against the wall we're gonna go around the side of the wall as we're going he's gonna cast that i'm gonna cast knock on the door okay we're gonna see what happens. And I'm trying to see what Fizzbort can do to help. He is going to, oh, okay. So Fizzbort says, all right, what I'm, first of all, bless you, Ronnie. Bless you, my son. Bless you.

I did the first bless you as fizzbord he's interacting your bless yous by saying god damn it bless you again do you admit it's a little tissuey um so uh yeah fizzbord says he will run with you but also uh he has mage hand and he's like, you know, once we get within 30 feet of the door, I'll try to pop it open with mage hand. So it's already open when we get to it. Okay. So hit it with knock. I'll mage hand it.

You can just dive through. All right. So you're all getting into the madcap moment. I guess Blaine, you're leading this. Yeah, why not? I remember this guy. I remember this guy. A storm cloud.

He's a open open lich knight. The center of the room in a 60 foot radius suddenly becomes a cylinder of storm. And you all hear crackling noises as lightning begins to slam around inside of it there is room enough for you to run around it but i'm gonna need an athletics check from everybody to try to get around uh in this moment because not only is it likely there will be things still aiming for your destruction but you're going to try not to you know touch the carpet or the cylinder 14. okay athletics brian 12. okay 13 and 720 nobody got under a 10

you all make it around the room Winfred you're casting knock yes all right you come right around and see that Fizzbord throws his hand out cast mage hand and all of you manage to

dive through. The lightning continues to crash. You think you might hear shouts from within the storm cloud, but you're not entirely sure what is happening, except that Blaine, I'm going to have you...

The smoke in its own way is going to be doing its own thing. I'm going to have you roll 3d10 lightning damage five times. So that would be... 15d10.

Okay. 4, 4, 5, 13. And I'm going to divide this by what would be a deck's saving throw five times. 13, 15. 9, 2, 5, 16.

1, 5, 8, 14. And 1 5 8 14 and 10 6 5 21 right and you all kind of roll into this library more

torches more well kept space feels unnerving there are be like yeah like 20 foot tall, but very, very tall. You see a couple of rolling ladders set up to make it easy for anyone to reach up and get the high up books. Fizzbort looks over his shoulder and says, oh, small problem. I no longer seem to be uh able to control bunk hmm

you all notice bunk's eyes are beginning to glow yellow oh like he's being possessed uh his his eyelids begin to narrow and we'll have to find out what's going on exactly. But it seems likely that Dr.

Wood's on to something and we'll find out on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Cool. Hi, Sam. Hi, everyone. That was fun, Dan. I'm glad. Thanks, Dan. Yeah, that was good.

I was able to listen to some of this one. We've got some leeches on us, but Sarah had a giant leech away spell and Blaine was producing flame. Brian's food was delivered and we're in a big clean room now. There's a fissure floating and we're checking for traps and getting scolded

for it. And finally, there's lightning blasts and we're all trying to walk around them. Yeah. You did it. I've got some tour dates. Rampersane.com. I'm in... Well, they won't be listening

to this this week, will they? Yeah, this goes up tonight. Tonight. So Kansas City. See you at the Kansas City Comedy Club again. Bringing Johnny Taylor through. And Poseidon on Grotta is now available everywhere. People have been watching it on YouTube. So check it out.

And if you paid for it, thank you. But now you can get it for free. Sorry, but I appreciate. I had a couple people go hey i paid for it i'm like awesome that means you saw it earlier yeah thanks you got it for that before yeah you paid for the premiere but uh i i really appreciate it and uh you know I don't like people getting it for free, but it's part of the deal. So there you go. Comic books coming soon. It's a long, arduous process making comic books. But I've got a bunch coming.

Cool. I told y'all that I was rebooking all the shows that I had to cancel when I had COVID. And here they come. So if you're in L.A., I've got shows pretty much every week for the next month and a half, sometimes several in a week. So I'm going to be, you know, like a microdose comedy on the 22nd splendid show. After that, I'm going to be over at the Crow theater after that in Santa Monica, just look out at my social media. It's mostly Instagrams. Now, I have a question about the microdose show.

I have answers. Are people actually microdosing at the show? Why is it called that? It's called microdose because the producers of the show think that's funny, and they're probably microdosing because they like it, but it is not directly related to the show. So is it like small short sets is that what it is it's like it's i would say it's a pretty normal but fun showcase it is not like people are getting high like a theme or anything like that no

because that's just the thing i just became aware of and as somebody who's experienced with drugs my whole life well i haven't done hard stuff since the 90s but i was talking to i was talking to another dad at a party and he goes oh yeah i microdose yeah i'm i'm right now i i uh i do acid every day and i'm like what like did you even know that was a thing so yeah you must you're yeah, you must. You're very hip. Yeah, I did. Simon would never micro. He's a macro all the way, kind of.

Yeah, I mean, I went there last week. Do you know people that do that, that are just fucking high on hallucinogens all the time? Yeah, especially in LA. Microdose, it's not like being high on hallucinogens. I know people who do it, but it's like... Well, yeah, it's in the name microdosing. But still, you're doing drugs like all the fucking time. Well, I'm microdosing right now.

And for me, microdosis, four hits of blue cheer. That's a lot. Yeah. Tell me about it. Wow. Yeah, it's a crazy thing to me. And this guy that was doing is just such a corny dad and i'm just like that guy's tripping balls all the time when i talk to him like it's just supposed

to like clear your head though it's not supposed to make you so it's not so you're not okay if you do it wrong yeah but sure it's like homeopathic acid yeah actually it really is it's like there is a question about like does it actually do anything or is it all right it's kind of i'm wondering that whole like why do you do it yeah oh yeah well he was a nut um all right people people are a trip y'all i think it's a very expensive you may as well like get cbd oil or just drink chamomile tea, in my opinion. Right. It's expensive, too. Exactly. It's a private school dad.

Whatever. He's got acid money to burn. Ridiculous. That's amazing. Well, cool. Blaine, what's going to happen next next week we attribute the success to save mankind

thanks for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof on the next episode of Nerd Poker Starsky discovers an important clue at Hutch's funeral spoilers all this and Darth Vader turns out to be Luke's mother. All this and more on the next episode of

Dead Hutch. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416.

Thanks for listening.