Nerd Poker - S5E33 Nailface

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

The big disgusting bad guy is no match for a bunch of heroes who like to pin big bad disgusting bad guys into a corner! Also there's 4-5 NPCs around now, which feels pretty cozy! May the only blood spilt be that of evil, and what everyone decides to dump on the floor because they saw it on a torture table and it freaked them out. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker.

It's a regular episode, 33. We're down one player today. Sarah will not be joining us, but she's okay. Don't worry. She just had a parenting thing and we needed to schedule a game this week.

So, my friends are here. What's up, Blaine? Hey, Brian. How are you? Hi, guys. I'm sorry I made a Franco Harris joke before we started taping. I'd like to apologize to the public for it. They had no idea, but okay.

Chris is here. Hey, buddy. Hey, man. I just got a note from the public. They say they don't accept Blaine's apology. Oh, no! Ken, can you help Blaine? Yeah, no. I have no idea what he's talking about

Do not forgive him Okay Dan, you want to clear this shit up? Yeah, I mean I think I'm with all our listeners when I say I am a proud Franco-American I don't really care about that other stuff Talk about a dick butt kiss

Wow That's where we're starting damn damn sam's here hello sweet children what's up buddy hi everyone how's ramen do you have a walk yet or just go out and poop just went out and poop yeah yeah how about the dog pooping outside pooping outside dan you want to thank some people for my pooping outside song oh yeah um first of all there are some you know very very happy listeners out there that you gave us just like a taste of it and here are all of the listeners at our upper Patreon tiers who made the pooping outside song possible. Thank you.

Roll for diabetes. Thank you. Bob Zeus of Bob Zeus's discount hammers and hammer accessories. Thank you. Short name for Dan. Thank you. Goth Phillips because emo wasn't dark enough. Thank you.

Jason yarn. Thank you. Wizardo montalban thank you if your spellcasting modifier was up your ass you'd know where it was thank you don't gentrify the dildo district thank you to the historically lakota sioux land upon which the dildo district now rests i almost almost said resides. You know, land doesn't reside. Thank you. Smokey the bugbear knows what Sarah did. Thank you.

This is not a patron supporter. My cat, who, after just knocking my iMac over, won't shut the fuck up now. Thank you. Mary Jane Posehn. Thank you. Blaine, who's going to cover for me while I stop my cat from chewing on a cactus. Rum spring. Wow.

He's the English to English with the Amish touch. Thank you, Blaine. Thank you, OSC. Thank you, Jacob Livermore. Thank you, Marion, the octogenarian barbarian. Thank you, my stimulus check. Thank you, James Brooks. Thank you, Suboptimal Dad's Tight Ice Five. Thank you, My Stimulus Check. Thank you, James Brooks. Thank you, Suboptimal Dad's Tight Ice 5. Thank you, Fuck Mouth.

Thank you, Dan's Dick-Biting Dungeon. Thank you, Wolves Ate My House. Thank you. Oh, no. Ken, this is for you. Mr. Hand's Colonoscopy and Gastroenterology. I'm sorry. Thank you, Jaber.

Yeah, thank you for bringing that to our podcast, Ken. Thank you, Kevin Welch. Thank you, Dr. Balls, Paging Dr. MF Balls. Thank you, Sabotage the Cat. Oh, that's timely for me. Thank you, Robert Nichols. Thank you, Latwig. And finally, thank you, Danny's Bahamut-sized math class oops boner.

Who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by Wonder Bread. Where is it? Wonder Bread. Phone poles. Wrap yourself around one. Then call someone who cares. Phone poles available every hundred feet.

And Raisin Barn. Two scoops of Amish in a package of Amish Raisin Barn. Two scoops in English, Dan. Thank you, Blaine. I don't know what is wrong with my cat, by the way, but he's on a tear. And if you see me making what looks like a jerk-off motion, it's because I'm shaking this pink feather toy

to distract my cat. He's having like a, please pay attention to me panic attack. I see about one. So he's a cat. Right when this yeah but right before we started you know the space between the wall and my iMac is like about you know like six inches wide my cat's about eight inches wide and he just blindly jumped

behind it and sent my iMac flying off my desk and that's what they do we it landed on my chair which was a blessing i suppose but now it is time if my cat will let me to talk about what happened last time on the nerd poker our heroes decided to go into a torture room and revive an npc that they hadn't seen in a long time and then revive another npc that they hadn't seen in a long time and then revive another npc that they hadn't seen in a long time and then kind of get annoyed with those npcs because they're all passive aggressive but now they have gone to a door on the north end of the torture room and heard the sound of a large metal weapon being dragged on the floor. As something approaches, we now take you to the combat about to start. So if I'm not mistaken,

where we kind of left off was Ronnie, you were like right up against the doors here in the north, yes? Sounds familiar. I think he had snuck down, right? He had snuck in. So you were like up against the second pair of doors that hadn't opened yet,

but you snuck through the first one by opening at a crack and shadow stepping around? Yeah, that sounds familiar. Okay, my cat likes it. So let's say we are not quite an initiative rolling time, but we are very close. Your characters in the main room know that Ronnie is doing this stuff. So if you could get maybe a second. Anybody, anybody. Do what?

What do you mean? Well, is there is there, you know you know there's comment happening is anybody about to um run somewhere else in the room besides where they were you guys i'm running i'm running up to the door uh with ronnie okay now i had um far jolly you kind of went to the northeast end of the room yeah i think that's where we found gus right yes and by the way are you gonna maybe be running sarah's character chris would you like me too today oh whatever you want okay i don't think i have access to her sheet got it well i do so why don't i take care of that got it and um yeah are the rest of you just kind of hanging out by the door? I had the NPCs by the door.

I'll say Winifred maybe moved up a little bit over here. Queep, you want to be anywhere? Yeah, I'll approach where the other door is. I know none of you would have walked into the circle. We talked extensively about not wanting to cross over into the circle. And did we like wipe it or something like that. You performed your own improvised ritual where you kind of lit it on fire

after taking all of the corpses off their torture tables. Right. It was green fire, right? Then it was like some weird, something or other yeah okay uh and and and it summoned hoshinka who a couple of you recognized but um you you uh you you tied her up anyway because you were worried about her motivations right so no okay right so no okay so yes uh hoshinka is currently tied up which is uh not her favorite thing i would say if you want i'm giving you one opportunity right now to say whether or not you would have untied her based off of

Queep and Dr uid vouching for her would they have vouched for her uh I got into a real weird thing last episode where I was trying to explain you guys like uh start to recognize her you like her but no one really like did anything about it so I want to make sure that you yeah I'm trying to remember where we stood with her before she was part of our team yeah but yeah i thought something happened to make that not be the case but i guess not okay i think you're just thinking of all my other npcs i don't think that she really did anything you're kind of projecting that onto her based off of your general trust of me as a dungeon master. Well, then let's let her... Untie her? Untie her so she can... Assassin?

Well, and also so she can fight if she needs to. That's what I mean. Yeah, she can assassinate this monster for us. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, she would help you, you would be pretty sure. Sorry, it was just mild confusion. It's quite all right.

I know you're not trusting me based on your other experiences with, let's just say, the gods. They're kind of assholes. You would think. Shh, they can hear us. Oh. Pardon me. But, um, yeah, so I will have her get

untied. And yeah. Alright. Let's get down to business then everybody roll initiative please 14 plus 3 17 cool as always I am not prepared as the numbers come flying 17

you said 17 alright Brian what'd you get let's see. Oh, low. Six. Okay. Ken, what'd you get?

Twelve. Chris, what did Valist get? I'm following the leader with five. Oh, no. Okay. And then Sarah Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, in the turn order is going to be this asshole. So, Ronnie, the doors explode

next to you, and in walks a, it'd be a 15 foot tall shirtless being. It's missing its skin, and it has some sort of metal helmet bolted to its head.

It starts to run past you and then realizes, oh, there's a dude standing here. Just walk away. It makes a low grunting noise. That looks like me when I wear my iron helmet. I'm humongous. 24 to hit, Ronnie? Yeah.

He is swinging a four foot long cleaver-like weapon at you. Jesus. It's going to be 10 points of slashing damage. He is now going to attempt to pick you up with his other hand. Can you roll a strength check, please, Ronnie? Thank you, boss. Hmm.

Sorry. All right. Wait, strength saving throw or strength check? Strength check. He is trying to grapple you so he can lift you off the ground okay he is 15 feet tall and he is holding a weapon in one hand and trying to uh you got an eight grab here oh he got a 17. so you kind of managed to slide away from his big old mitt. And that's going to take us to the next round, which is going to be Blaine. I'm going to put up a wall.

Well, I'm going to have to move over there first. I am sort of not in the line of sight yet of this hallway. But so I'm going gonna get right over here. See me? Hey, hi, I'm waving! I'm out front! Honk, honk! And I'm going to throw up a wall of fire. Oh, okay, as long as no one

falls into it. Will you draw where that is going to be, please? On the old map I want to just sort of ping it and I'll draw it for you you're just looking up some rules yeah I'm looking for looking up some rules uh wall of fire I can make a wall of fire 60 feet long 20 feet high one foot thick or a ring wall up to 20 feet in diameter 20 feet high and one foot thick I would like to put up a wall of fire around this guy uh and when the wall appears each creature uh

must make a dexterity saving throw or take 5d8 or half as much on a save all right saving throw. We have 14. What did he need to make, sir? My thing is a 16. Oh, dexterity saving throw, whatever his dex is. 14, so he missed. Okay. So 5d8.

He's gonna take it all. All right. Roll that 5d8. He's gonna take it all. Alright, roll that 5d8, boss. 15, 16, 16, 20, and 28. Oh, shit.

Jeez. Yeah, and he's surrounded by this wall. Yeah. And it takes the same damage if it enters the wall or ends its turn there. So he's just surrounded by this 20-foot wall of fire. Well, now, I'm going to have you... I'm going to say Ronnie's fine fine based off of what i just heard but can you please use your ruler tool to show us exactly where the wall is given that he is currently right next to ronnie uh yeah i'm

not good with the the tool thing okay so if you go to the left there's um a little thing that looks like oh right right right ting with little notches taken out of it, aka a ruler. If you could kind of do one of these to show me where the wall is. I'm using as an example my little pink arrow line if you could kind of be like, okay the wall is here. Something like that, just so we know how Brian will want to

move around next turn. Presuming Brian will want to not run into the wall of fire. Is this making sense right here? It's drawn this green circle around this guy. Can you do it one more time? Is this what you're doing? I'm drawing a little circle,

a little green circle. I see it. You don't see it. Oh yeah. Yeah. Now I see it. Sure. Yes.

All right. It's green fire. Sure. Yes. Alright, it's green fire. Nice. Excellent. Are you going to move or is that going to do it for your turn? That's going to be it. That's going to be it. I'm just going to keep it up there. Concentration for a minute. Okay. Up next is Ken.

Hi. I will close. Yeah, you're pretty far away I'm up around here And Wait Alright You might have something you could do to prep I would just throw that at you

I also have a crossbow if I want to Oh All right. Hang on a second. Yeah, you might have something you could do to prep. I would I would just throw that at you. I just have a crossbow. I want to. Oh, I mean, you could give it a shot. I will say because you are still a little bit farther away from the door, I would probably make you roll with disadvantage because it's like a cracked open door that Blaine had to kind of peek through

but you're still like 15 feet away so you'd be trying to sit here in rage oh there you go okay Jackie Gleason it's one of these days oof just read your reviews

for the toy if can you can you like wrap your crossbow in some sort of oil and then when you shoot it through it'll turn into flaming bolts cool I think I can actually do something with my arrows you and your arrows

okay You and your arrows. You do. Do you do? Okay. And then we've got bunk is up next. He is going to go. And then he's going to do like a little poppy teleport to try to get to the action as quickly as possible. But much like Kwee, he's only going to be able to get so, so far.

He should just run through the pentagram. He's going to kind of avoid it. He's going to kind of just based on tradition. All right. One of the donkey land people who don't run into bloody pentagrams. It's just like a thing. Next is Sarah. So she I'm going to have Winifred.

Do something smart that we didn't think of. All right. Well, she can. She does have what's called spells. She is going to have pretty limited range right now. But she, I'm going to have pretty limited range right now. But I'm going to have her cast major image. You create the image of an object, a creature, or some other visible phenomena that is no larger than a 20-foot cube. The image appears at a spot you can see.

It seems completely real, including sound, smells, temperature, and appropriate thing to pick. So I'm going to have her create a 15-foot tall monkey with four arms that is going to appear right in the opposite side of Blaine. Yeah, like he's going to just be a he's going to he's going to just be a distraction, basically. And hopefully it will work. As I grab that token, it's like we've got up next in the turn order, Brian.

You got this, Ronnie. I hadn't taken a hit yet today, right? No. Okay. You almost, well, no, no, that's not true. You actually did just get hit by the guy. He slashed you with his cleaver. Yeah, how much damage was that?

Sorry, I didn't know that. Oh, boy, I sure don't remember. I think it was 10. It was 10, I remember. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. I will request you all get your pencils out,

so my very, very poor memory will not be the reliant. I'm doing it beyond. But yes. Yes. OK, cool. I'm ready. Cool. You're up. What are we? What so far has worked on this guy? No one has attacked. OK, I get the surrounded by green fire he's got green fire on him so i actually blinked to get some uh points out but you're the only one who's

close to him all right i'm gonna arm blade him sweet oh is he gonna be able to get through the the wall of fire um yeah you know what i would say if you do a melee attack he is surrounded with flame. I would just say you're going to either roll with disadvantage or want to do a ranged attack, but he will not get an attack of opportunity on you if he tries. If you try to walk away. Oh, what range can I do?

I think you have a range weapon. Darts, you have darts yeah i believe so sorry fellas i'm looking that's okay yeah it's okay what i could do here step the wind you could jump over the top of the fire and get into the little circle with him oh yeah stand on his shoulders. And just tickle him. It might give him a little tickle tickle. Alright.

You could stand on his shoulders and punch his fontanelle on top of his skull and try and get through that soft bit. There are any gaps in the helmet. Um, I slot. Well, he is he is a homebrewed being so kind of he if you look at the drawing of him. Yes, that is what he looks like he's got he's got like little holes around his mouth area but there are no eye holes just rivets it's like a master blaster

yeah he's shooting uh fury road 2 in the next village. Me on break. Unfortunately, guys, I don't see anything for that. You have Hadouken? No. Can you Hadouken? Yeah, but... Like in general.

Hmm. Is there a shadow on the ceiling he could step into and then arm blade him from the top? Not with the flames, unfortunately. You just sort of, as they say, lit the room up. So the room is a bit low on shadows at the moment. Throw some oil at him. Could do that, for sure. Yeah.

Who did? This podcast is mostly about throwing oil on people. We love throwing, for sure. Yeah. This podcast is mostly about throwing oil on people. We love throwing oil. Mm-hmm. And also shade. We're just that kind of podcast, folks. You gotta get up pretty oily

to throw shade on us. Hey. I'm sorry, fellas. I don't see any darts or anything in my equipment. Well, throw some oil at the homunculus. But I don't see that I have oil on my pack. It's in like a standard adventure pack. We'll give you that one.

Okay, cool. Cool. Then I go up. Do I have to go above him to do that? No, no. You can just chuck it. i'll throw some oil on him oh then let's see we'll call that a dex throw from him to his plus to dex's four and he botches he rolls a one so he rubs it into his eyes. Please, Brian, roll 2d6 plus one.

2d6. Okay. Okay. 2d6 plus 1 is the closest sounding to Hadouken I could come up with for damage as is the tradition my cat after having run around

causing absolute hell took a massive dump and then a nap nice in the dump? 5 okay 5 points of damage against the butcher Nice. In the dump? Five. Okay. Five points of damage against the Butcher. Coming up next, the Candlestick Maker. Hey!

I saw that show. Okay. Ryan, would you like to step away or stay up close? I'll step away. Okay. Show us on the map where that's going to be. False. I'm not on the map, but I'll just. Oh, okay.

We're just back down the hallway where you came from? Have you to the door, but not through the door? Well, actually, do you want to go through the doors that have been kind of cracked? Sure. Okay. Then you can get a little bit there and then shadow step to the other side of it. Can you shadow step? What is a shadow step? That's an action.

Yeah, it's an action. So because you get two attacks, an action that's not going to count, we'll say that you don't shadow step. so you're going to stay inside. Just because that would be all of your movement. Up next is going to be Chris.

Hi. I'm going to, Fire Jolly wants to get closer to the door. I think kind of like everybody. So he'm going to... Friar Jolly wants to get closer to the door. I think kind of like everybody. So he's going to use his 30 feet of movement, looks like, to get to the... I don't know, maybe sort of top center of the room. And then I'm going to try and cast Dan. I want to cast Gu guiding bolt at second level

okay no it doesn't say anything about seeing specifically seeing the enemy it just says uh a flash of light streaks toward a creature of your choice so it doesn't sound like i need to be like making like eye contact with it or anything. No, I think you're I think you're good to go. I see what you're saying. Let's do it. So I'm casting it at second level. So it's going to be more D6. So to hit it is. What is that? A 12 plus nine. So that would be a 21 to hit oh that's a hit great

21 to hit and then for the damage let's roll it uh it's 5d6 oh some ones in there not great 15 points of uh glowing i guess that would be radiant damage and um the the next attack role made against it uh has advantage because the the guy inside the green fire is glowing even more so so whoever attacks him next gets a with an attack roll gets advantage amazing and he he does have oil on him that is burning, so he is likely going to have green fire coming off of him and his skin will be glowing green. So like it'll it'll it'll be

beautiful, real light show coming your way. Also, I feel like Winifred would be like, Guys, I made a distraction at the doors. Let him get distracted by it. Once we open the doors, won't he be distracted? Oh, monkey with

forearms. Hopefully he will, Friar Jolly. Okay. Will I do it for you, Chris? Will I do it for your turn? That? Will I do it for your turn? That's it. Cool.

For her turn, Hoshinka is going to run up against this wall, put her back against it, and hold her action. Fizzbort is going to reach under his cloak and produce a small hedgehog and put it on the ground. The hedgehog will turn to stone and start running up towards the doors. It won't make it all the way there, but that will do it for Fizzbord's turn.

Up next will be the Butcher. So he is going to see Ronnie, who is closest, and run through. Now, Blaine, that fire, does he take another round of damage beginning of his turn, do you say? another round of damage beginning of his turn do you say? 5d8 to each creature ends his turn within 10 feet of that side of the wall. Creature takes the same damage when it enters the wall for the first time on a turn or ends its turn there. Okay, so he is leaving it on his turn, he will not take additional damage, but I think

at the end of his turn I will have him take damage for at least a couple more rounds unless he gets the fire on him put out somehow. So he is still burning, and he's going to take another grab at you, Brian. Okay. Can you do a strength check, please? You rolled a 16. You're going to want to beat a 16. Oh, wait. Strength check, not saving throw. Yeah. Correct. You're doing competing Strength check, not saving throw. Yeah. Correct.

You're doing competing strength checks for a grapple. 14. Unfortunately. Okay. So he is going to pick you up and try to, now he's going to try to smoosh you against the wall. All right. to try to smoosh you against the wall. Alright.

So you are still in his grip and he does 12 points of bludgeoning damage as he smashes you against the wall. Okay. Up next is going to be Blaine. Do I still get to... Does he take damage from running through the fire?

Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Just said it. Immediately forgot. Alright. all right did you roll the damage for the fire last time or did i uh i did so he has to do another dexter i guess another dexterity thing but he's running through it correct uh he rolls a six so that's a fail okay so he does another uh oh uh 888 24 30 32 jeez and the dexter i will i will say uh it's not a dexter because he's he's on fire is the reason he takes this damage the spells uh rules say at the beginning of his turn and he or at the let's say beginning or end of his turn i'm sorry i'm

already forgetting my brain uh takes the same damage when it enters the wall for the first time on a turn or end its turn there right so he's not ending his turn there but he's got oil on him and i'm gonna have him take the same damage okay um so that's why that's happening for semantics purposes and yeah blaine you are up uh well i can't i can't move the wall can i so are you frozen it looks like you're frozen blame or can I concentrate can I have the wall follow him right well good is that 60 feet from where he was trying to see how far that rice what's pause turn and we lost him let's give him at least a second yeah we'll pick up

if for some reason i say i'm i'm frozen right now or reconnecting in a second but yeah he's gone um i think it's going well so far i think we're going to beat this guy all that glistening hot fire guy all that glistening hot fire we might be able to get a good meal out of this guy too like you know his his muscles are gonna be all cooked and stuff oh gross no he's about how many darts generally would you would you carry three twelve oh like what's a pack of darts yeah

that's a good question I don't know if there is a set thing I'm gonna bring twelve along okay are you saying you found darts at some point Brian oh I don't know I just never packed them

I'm just seeing that I I mean yeah I don't know. I just never packed them. I'm just seeing that I... I mean, yeah, I don't know. What can I do? I will... I feel like... I didn't have anything in my equipment. I feel like at some point someone found throwing stars. Was that last campaign?

Yeah, I don't know. I can't find them. I was trying to do throwing stars and it wasn't letting me but it let me do darts i think you have throwing stars brian that you just didn't put them in your inventory so um how do i add that to my equipment though how do you yeah if you go to another name for throwing stars because it wasn't it wasn't showing up you could probably just use darts and then just i think they're the same damage yeah yeah okay this sounds familiar because a dart is a d4. Yes. And their range is 20 feet, and then the cutoff is 60 feet. Okay. Which sounds right for a throwing star.

Yeah. It's not giving me throwing star, but it did do dart. Let's see. This sounds really familiar. I think we talked about this. I think that we decided, like, okay, this is how we'll do it. Like I read it. So now they're in there.

All right. Are we back in? Yes. And we're back in. Yeah, my Zoom went down to Georgia. It was looking for a podcast to steal. Oh. It was in a bind.

It was way behind. It was in a bind. It was way behind. That was... Hey, I was gonna ask, can I move the wall of fire to follow him down and keep burning him from behind? Turn it from a

circle into an actual wall? I don't know if you can change the dimensions of it, can you? To do... when the wall appears on side of wall you know what i'm just i'm just gonna i do not think it moves i think it's you create it and it's there that's the limitation of the spell okay i'm gonna then i'm going to uh uh i'm going to just forget about the wall and call up a flame blade.

And I guess we have to move through the door, right? Is he still on the other side of the door? Correct. He's still on the other side of the door. If you wanted, you could kick one of these doors open. They're not completely closed, but they're very close to closed. All right. Well, I'm going to kick one open and go in there and start swinging.

Okay. Do it. Kick. And then a flame blade. I'm going to, I guess, roll to attack for a flame blade. Sorry, I'm looking through my old-fashioned book here. It's me scat singing. Oh, and I

rolled a natural 20 to hit. Dang. Oh. Make sure you double that dice damage as you crit, crit, crit, crit, crit, crit, crit, crit lash. 3d6 fire damage. 1, 2. Holy shit.

3, 5, 10, 13, 26. Goddamn, alright. Here we go. Here we go. Did you feel the bed break? Did you feel the floor shake? Did you feel the bed break did you feel the floor shake did you feel the earthquake baby do you want to take a break i do all right well that do it for your turn sir that's it for me yes ken you're up i'm going to approach and frighten him with my intimidating presence. Yeah, that's right. Uh-oh. That's a wisdom

saving throw of 12 for him. That's going to be not a very high roll. 10. So I will say, And is he frightened? Yeah, he's frightened. Oh my goodness, the bird!

You spread your wings. Until he moves out of line of sight or more than 60 feet away. I'm going to follow that up with my close in my eye. Let's see. That's really funny to me. I'm going to follow that up with my Fossum Eye let's see it's really funny to me that you're scaring this guy

I'm going to close on him and attack him with my Blade of Kupla great let's see. That is a... 16. My first one. That is a miss.

And a... 22 on the second. Oh, that's a hit has he has a pretty high armor class i bet he does and that is uh nine points of damage points of damage uh just making sure plus damage nine yeah does he look like he's

he's uh tenderized yeah does he look like he's starting to to get hurt no jesus he's very large he he does not appear fazed by what is happening to him well he's certainly frightened but you can't see his face so it's also hard to gauge I will say that his his flesh seems unnaturally thick. I can hear him scream inside his helmet.

Oh, my unnatural flesh. If it were your turn, I would let you roll an insight check to see, but not quite when you get there. You still think of it. Feel free to bunk it. Bunk is good. Wait, wait, wait. Did you want to do it? Can you can you can have quick do it. It is your turn. Wait, wait, wait. Did you want to do it? You can have Queep do it.

It is your turn. We're about to make a bunk. Wait, to do what? See how wounded he is or what kind of damage it looks like he's taken. Yes, yes, yes. Inside. That's a 14. No, not really I would I would say you with a 14 all you can guess is he is like

either some kind of demon monstrosity construct you don't know he's a fuck this guy sure is so So now Bunk is going to hop into the fray. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Uncle Chee Rink and Boing shall go right about here. And then he's actually going to hold his action and scoot a little more to the side because it's pretty crowded in there. Hold it between his legs. Also, he's noting

the giant forearmed gorilla in the doorway between him and then he's like, I don't want to interrupt whatever's going on here with that thing. Then it is Sarah's turn. The monkey to interrupt whatever is going on here with that thing. And then it is Sarah's turn. The monkey is going to scream and beat its chest and move back here.

And Winifred, who does not have a ranged weapon either, but has some spells. It's going to cast... Oh, she can't quite do... She's not close enough to do that. Hang on a sec. Yeah, it's really crowded. I would say because it's crowded,

there's really not a ton she can do at the moment. And so she is going to kind of roll her eyes a little bit and that will be in held action for her until she can properly see or reach what is going on in that hallway. So we've got a couple of held actions here um again the hallway you're all in is pretty crowded and it does feel like things could go haywire because of that Brian you are up you are currently grappled so I'm gonna have you do a strength check to try to break free of this guy. Wait, or I will give you a freebie, Brian. Freebie knowledge. You all right there? Yeah. Okay, you can shadow step out

of his grip. Oh, that's what I do. It'll take your action, but yes. That's what I do. Show us, or you're not on the map. Do you want to come out of the hallway or do you want to stay in the hallway? I'll come out of the hallway. Okay. Now that you're in the far end of the hallway, there is a little bit of shadow behind one of these sconces, but we can take you out sort of to the opposite side of where Bunk is.

side of where bunk is and we did decide during our brief break that you have throwing stars which function like darts did you want to chuck yes anything I think you can do that as a bonus action 17 yes

great unfortunately that is a miss though oh shit okay easy very Heidi motherfucker by Heidi I mean he has hide he is not trying to run away okay um

you will in a second probably because I can creep being a scary bird all right Chris you're up these cages that are sort of Being a scary bird. All right. Chris, you're up. These cages that are sort of due south of the doorway, how big are those?

I'm trying to see if they would give me some cover if I move behind one. They're not great cover. They're pretty big. They're as big as the map represents. They're about 10 feet wide by 10 feet and 10 feet tall cubes okay but that's perfect and yeah like the the bars are thick enough you could maybe get a little bit there's gaps yeah go ahead right so i feel like um i'll step in probably 10 feet just to get a real clear uh look at the guy and i'm gonna cast toll the dead um so a dolorous bell fills the guy and I'm going to cast toll the dead. So a dolorous bell fills the air and the guy has to make a, a wisdom saving throw DC 17.

Because he's frightened. Oh, disadvantage. Oh, he just rolled a 20 and he also rolled a 12, but that is plus three. So he's going to, Oh, he just rolled a 20 and he also rolled a 12. Ha ha. But that is plus three. So he's going to because he's he's already taken damage, correct? Yes. And it's 15 enough or does he fail?

He fails because it's a DC 17. Thank you. I missed it because he's hurt. He's going to take instead of 2D 8 plus 5. He's going to take, instead of 2d8 plus 5, he's going to take 2d12 plus 5. Oops. And he's going to have to go back and get a shitload of dimes. So it's a total of

15 points of necrotic damage. And I bet you, like, because it's a sound inside of his riveted helmet, I bet you it's just bouncing around inside there.eted helmet. I bet you it's just bouncing around. Oh, boy. Yeah, that's... Talk about a bong hit.

Oh, God. And then I'm going to fall back a little bit more behind the cage to try and get a little more protection. That's my turn. All right. Ashinka is going to scoot. the cage to try to get a little more protection. That's my turn. Right. I think it's going to scoot kind of where you were. She's going to take out a crossbow and flip out a couple of bolts at him. Unfortunately, two misses

they just kind of fly past him. And then that'll be... Let's tie her back up. Alright. The little stone hedgehog continues to scurry. It gets right about in the doorway between Ronnie and Bunk. And that'll be Fizzbort's turn. Up next

is the guy. Alright, so he has to move away from you 60 feet, you said? Queep? Yes. Yes. Let me make sure And I'm trying to figure out if he can move through you

Or if he would just back up He can't move towards me Right You've got him kind of pinned Uh, yeah Yeah, he has to move More than 60 feet away or out of my line of sight To break the fright

Okay So he's going to back all the way up More than 60 feet away or out of my line of sight to break the fright. Okay. He's going to back all the way up to the doorway he came out of. Unfortunately, the door is closed. So he just kind of, you know, flattens up against it. And he is going to clap his hands together and mutter something in a language you don't understand. French. Let's no,

it's, it's a very low guttural language, not one criticizing your pronunciation of baguette. So you're going to Dr. Uwe and Queep both get an attack of opportunity as he scoots away from you. Yeah, we do. Okay. So great action.

Do I roll with advantage or just roll? Oh, because he's a fear? He is. Well, he's lit. he's glowing green right so i think you get advantage all right great i forget who made him glow green i think it might have been i i did guiding bolt and uh we have not given advantage anybody yet so that would hurt so that's a 20 with my with my bonus okay sweet is that good yeah yeah all right roll my damage 12 okay uh 12 points slashing damage blaine let's get that roll from you uh i'm gonna uh do a cantrip and hit him with a thorn whip and uh see if i can maybe trip him can i do that

i think so um but you you this is a reaction an action, so I don't think you can summon a new weapon. I think if you've got your flame blade still out, you can use that, but you don't get to gather your senses. It's just like he's running, you get to swing what you got. Okay, I missed him anyway with a four. Okay. Did you roll with advantage? Did you roll with advantage did you roll with advantage the advantage being what I get to roll

twice and take the yes that is what they call advantage in the dungeons okay well that one I roll a botch okay so I'll take the four go with the better one I'll take the four don't have to take my botch table out all right

and then bring it around to ken oh and you know oh no no no it's it is blaine's turn and i need to have this guy take damage one more time as the flames on him uh start to go out uh blaine can you roll that fire damage of flame fire damage of flame one more time. Fire damage of flame. 8, 8, 16 and 6, 22 and 24. Who? Yeah. Not she much. All right. You guys are wailing on this guy.

And now, Blaine, please take your turn proper. I'm going to thorn whip him, like I said, and I'm going to try to trip him if I can. So 15 plus 8 is 23 to hit. Well, are you running up to him? Because he did run down the hallway. How far is he? Because I have a 30-foot range. well are you running up to him because he did run down the hallway how far how far is he cuz I have a 30-foot range are you in roll 20 he is 35 feet okay well

then I'll scoot forward just a wee bit scoot forward a wee bit and and thorn whip him and that's eight points. Yeah, eight, okay. And can I do, is there something I can do to, like I try to tangle his legs up or something and tangle him, do an ad-at walker pass on him, try to trip him?

I don't know. Do you have a spell called bonus action ad at walker trip i do it's right here now just uh yeah i didn't know if i could maybe try to distangle his his legs up with a thorn whip with the thorn whip um i would say you could do that instead of an attack. But do you have two attacks per action with the spell or nah? I think nah. I think nah. Okay. If the creature is large or smaller, I pull the creature up to 10 feet closer to me.

Does that count as maybe a trip? Yeah. He's large. Okay. So. Can I. yeah he's large okay so um can I do you want to pull him closer I was just going to try to trip him out is there can I can I roll to see if I trip him or

pull him closer yes and what's that a roll six sided one two three trip four five six pull close. Let's see. I think it's an automatic success. I don't think you have to roll anything

because you hit him and that's part of it. Okay, yeah, I just wanted to pull him down so he can't move. Or he can't move away any farther. Then we can swarm on him like fire ants. So you knock him prone. Yes.

Do you pull down his pants so we can see his buns? Yeah. We're going to see his buns, hun, and then I'm going to summon an anaconda. Alright, well, as you can see on the map, I've turned him sideways as to indicate that his buns are showing and we'll have to find out how they get toasted on the next episode of nerd

poker sam hi hi everyone all right episode 33 somebody with a cleaver is trying to grapple danny but he squirmed out of the way. We're looking for stuff to throw at him. We found some oil. Friar Jolly's throwing light at him. Fizzbort made a little stone hedgehog, I think. We're remembering how many daggers come in a pack and whether or not we can change the shape of a flame wall.

Danny's shadow stepped away and Friar Jolly cast Toll of the Dead. The guy clapped and said something we couldn't hear, and Bl hit him with the thorn whip nice sounds all right i got a few uh stand-up dates in in los angeles coming up at the lyric hyperion um and then at the crow comedy theater in santa monica uh keep an eye on my instagram and i will keep posting the show flyers for such things i will also be in chicago in april so keep an eye out for that as well uh i've got tour dates on brianpersain.com i've got tacoma coming up in oklahoma city um and uh out in pennsylvania and then a couple other places, but they're there. Uh,

pages are coming in on grommets and, my time travel book rifters and, uh, I'll share, release dates when I have them, but things are, uh, progressing.

Um, that's it for me. Oh yeah. Posting an on Grada on, uh, YouTube. progressing um that's it for me oh yeah posting an angra on uh youtube hello hi hey blaine what do you think is gonna happen on the next episode of nerd poker boy we attribute the success to save mankind for joining us on this epi- You got walls and a roof? Well- Oh, on the next episode of Nerd Poker, an ancient wizard grants Dan the ability to turn into a mighty hero with one magic phrase, I'm a big doo-doo head.

Captain Doo-Doo Head fights his deadliest foe yet, a playground full of elementary school kids. All this, and Chris meets an ancient wizard that grants him the ability to invest in a timeshare condo in Rehoboth beach on the next nerd poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker. You can follow us at patrion.com slash nerd poker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416.

Thanks for listening.