Nerd Poker - S5E34 Stairwell to Lich Hell

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

The big beefy demon dude with a plate of iron nailed to his face has tumbled into a corner of a stairwell and it's getting pretty dicey to just stand around in that stairwell. What lies on the other side of the door at the bottom is what comes next, and yeah, it's probably gonna be a mean trap that everyone saw coming but almost kills them anyway.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint here listening to my show, Nerd Poker. It's episode 34.

All my friends are here. It's going to be fucking awesome. Let's do it. Chris. Hey, buddy. Hey, man. I like this. Yeah, it's going to be fucking awesome. Let's do it. Chris, hey, buddy. Hey, man, I like this. Yeah, it's going to be fucking awesome. Yeah, I've been awake five minutes, but you won't be able to tell.

No. Yeah. Hey, Ken. Hey, my mic was not going on. Fucking awesome day out here. Oh, yeah. I can't wait. I haven't even looked outside.

Dan's here. Brian, what's up? Let's go skateboarding. Don't forget, we gotta do a 720 down at the park. Kickflip or die. Gotta beat Lester.

I'm here. You do it with an attitude let's do it guys and Blaine hello Blaine hey man I did like five lines of coke and it made me real slow I don't know I don't think it was coke

hope it wasn't that fentanyl oh oh oh Blaine's not here anymore we're down one I hope it wasn't that fentanyl. Oh. Oh. Oh, Blaine's not here anymore. We're down one. Sam's here, though. Hey, buddy.

Hello, sweet children. How are you? I'm good. Are you not going to what? What's your shirt say? Not going to what? Oh, not going to take that on. OK.

Yeah. I thought it was like a Twisted Sister shirt that I had seen no it's not too bad is that is that because you're anti-aha yep not going to take that on me at all well we're due in episode 34 it's gonna be good remember i just told everybody so um we should we should live to that. We should make it happen. Dan, do you want to thank some people? Yes, I would like to thank some folks.

It was kind of sad. It was like the Rap Airhorn app had just looked at Chris's puppy and was kind of going, aww. In its own special app way. Yes, you know, I just want to say it's really nice that I get to record this podcast. You guys like to record this podcast, right? It's a good time.

We get to be nerds. And it's all because people actually go to patreon.com slash nerd poker that we get to keep doing this so listeners if you have the freedom the bandwidths the the the money connected to our late stage capitalism please consider heading on over and donating folks please thank you and if you're up at the top tiers, you get to get a shout-out. You have usernames doing that right now, like DeckardSkilso. Thank you, DeckardSkilso.

Thank you, Deckard. Thank you, Danny'sFrogFaceFiend. Remember how that went, Brian? He shook his head no, because he didn't care for it, and he does remember. Thank you, SatanOVBeer. I'm not sure. What does OV mean in that context? shook his head no because he didn't care for it and he does remember thank you satan ov beer i'm not sure what does ov mean in that context ov sounds oh like there's no dot after it it's

not an abbreviation for like ovarian like it's just ov i don't know if it was just v right then it would be like a court case of satan against. Anyway, thank you, Dango Merman, a.k.a. Uncle Magic. Thank you, I'm Just Here to Deliver the Worms. Thank you, Bud Dwyer, Tire Fire. I don't know what that means, but it smells great. Thank you, Jack Watkins. Thank you, Bathwater Snow Cone. Thank you, Nathan's Furry Purple Carrot.

Great. Thank you, Hamuna Hamuna Awuga. you bathwater snow cone thank you nathan's furry purple carrot no right thank you thank you homina homina awuga awuga how you doing bri bri thank you dr uid's forest grown og kush everybody remember scrape some buds off of dr uid mid combat that's when he blossoms his best THC buds. Thank you, Waka Willis. Thank you, Crimson Tesseract. Thank you, Zen Smoke. Thank you, Rachel.

Rachel, just shout out to Rachel for having the one normal name in three episodes. Thank you, Bryce Gamble. Thank you, Time Boats Boatscrope. Thank you, Gus and Gago's Inevitable Babies. Thank you, Jody Freeze. Thank you, Mr. G. And the G is for Guidance. Add a D4.

That's, that's, uh, thank you, Friar Jolly, for bringing that bit. Thank you, Axelon Crane. Thank you, Never Go Full Drow. Thank you, Cotton Eye Joe Dirt. And finally, thank you, Dr. Uid's Lean Mean Green Beans. Dr. Uid voice, get your beans! Speaking of which, Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by a flaming bag of dog shit.

Puts the load in loads of fun. A flaming bag of dog shit. Puts the load in loads of fun. A flaming bag of dog shit! Dan? That was a real long pause. I was like, I can't drink my coffee again until it's clear the transition has happened or he's gonna get me.

Guys, it's time. Are you ready? Should I time it with Brian sipping his McDonald's and then see if I can get a spit take? Brian, you want some more of that Dr. Pepper? Just like one more little sip? One more sippy sip?

Okay, then let's talk about What happened last time on Nerd Poker? our heroes are in the shit with some guy who's got metal plates nailed to his face and a big fucking sword thing that looks like a cleaver he got tipped over on the stairs so right now he's kind of looking like he's having a little bit of a an accident that folks do when they reach a certain age. But the fight is not over yet. Let's see how that goes. So, I believe we are

mid-combat. And if I look at the old turn order. Did I not put the we need to start using, I think, the roll 20 turn order. That would be super fucking handy. Yes? Sure. Cool. Did do-do-do-do-do um... Who was the last of you who...

I want to say it was Chris, and then I had a couple of NPCs go. Does that sound right? Sure. Does anybody just listen to the end of the last episode? I can't remember. I did, but I don't... Blaine tried to trip the guy with his thorn whip.

That was the last thing I remember happening. Yeah. Then I don't... Okay. Sorry, my snake just took a huge poop and my room just smells like... Snake poop? Yeah, snake poop. Okay.

Well, and Sarah, you weren't here, right? So, my cat takes a giant- I thought I wasn't there either. Does your snake ever fart? Do snakes fart? Yeah, it sounds like somebody blowing up one of those balloon animals. Yeah, does his tail kind of like flap when he does it? Yeah, it looks like a windsock.

Oh, snake farts. Windsock stays on my mind. Snake farts. Flaming bag of snake farts. Flaming bag of snake farts. All right. Let's start over. Sounds good. Hey, everybody.

I'm 5%. This is snake farts. Okay. Yeah. Like, I think, I think, Ken, do you feel like you went last? Because otherwise I'm going to have it. Blaine went last. Because it's close to where I thought we were in the tournament. Yeah, I think, I think, um, Ken, do you feel like you went last? Because otherwise I'm going to have it, uh, Blaine went last. Because it's close to where I thought we were on the tournament. Yeah, I think so. You think you just went?

I think I did, yeah. Okay, well then, this would be convenient because it would mean Sarah will go soon. And she was not here last episode. And that means I will have Bunk go, and then we'll recap Sarah where exactly you were and what you're up to great zoom in on your face Brian I do that all the time I don't know how it happens in zoom but it's always alarming I think we figured out it's roll 20 it's like when you

roll 20 does it like because it's trying to access your camera for a second I think so yeah okay yeah just open roll 20 weird Your beard looks great today. Put some pants on. I have no idea what it's doing. It happened to me right when we started recording Tuesday. I didn't have enough lane! Yeah, it's happening to everybody now. Everyone show off your facial hair, please.

So, Bunk, he has backed off and held his action this whole turn, as have you you sarah because there has just been a shit show in the stairwell and bunk and i believe we said winter fred did not want to just go into the stairwell where there were all kinds of area of effect spells being cast the stairwell is only like you know not only but about 20 feet wide so it was there was the wide stairwell is only like, you know, not only, but about 20 feet wide. So there was the wide stairwell full of

insanity. Bonk is, I think, going to hop back. He knows there's some weird shit going on with a little stone hedgehog. So he is going to do a ranged attack. And...

He only has a pretty mild one. It's going to be... He's got advantage. The big demon guy with plates on his face is prone. He gets one hit for six points

of damage. And Sarah, you're up. Yeah, I'm trying to find my token on the board. You know, were you way back maybe? Let's see. She's kind of off to the right. Oh, there it is. Thank you. Okay.

Yeah, your token blends in with the stonework. Okay, so I'm going to, I guess, move towards the stair the stairwell yeah i think i understand what's going on but it was a little i did listen to it but it was um visually it's hard for me to follow a little bit where i was like where am i okay so now i'm moving towards the stairwell and i am going and this guy is lying down in the stairwell. Yeah, and you know what? You did summer, summer? Oh yeah, I summoned a, I had some kind of fever dream where I, for some reason,

summoned a four-armed monkey? Yep. Cool. An illusion, right? An illusion of a gorallon, yeah. Yeah, a major image. That'll be funny when he throws this shit. It was meant to be a it was meant to be a distraction to lure him out and then everybody just dog piled in the stairwell so and it uh it did not work out tactically okay i'm gonna cast

um if i can get this guy in my line of sight, which I think I can. Um, I'm going to, the door, the doors are open. So you can, so I'm going to cast, um, Raul with him, psychic Lance,

where I unleash a shimmering Lance of psychic power from my forehead. And he has to make an intelligence saving throw. So hopefully that's, uh, okay. And he has to make an intelligence saving throw. So hopefully that's... Okay. So he is going to do that. That's going to be a minus one to his intelligence saving throw. 17.

It's an 11 so he fails and he is going to take hopefully a lot of damage psychic damage let's see how much let's find out okay he's gonna take 25 points of psychic damage. Holy shit.

And he is incapacitated until the start of my next turn. Oh, wow. He's fucked. He's real fucked. I just gestured everybody like, Dinner's on. Enjoy the murder. More like a simmering lance

cool well uh brian yeah dinner dinner is served if you would like to partake the buffet is open what would ronnie like to do there's an incapacitated nail face on the stairs that's

it there's other stuff going There's an incapacitated Nailface on the stairs. That's it? That's the only... There's other stuff going on, like, in general. Quite a bit. Let me open... Well, I have roll 20 open, but show me where... Ronnie, you're near these double doors, kind of like on the top of the map,

near this stairwell. Oh, yeah, I see me. Okay. And he's just sort of, he's laying on the ground incapacitated, paralyzed, tons of damage done to him. Like, deeply damaged.

He didn't make it up very far, yes. It's that thing that... The plate's on his face. The thing below me? I don't know. No, not the fuzzy white monkey, but if you look at the guy kind of tipped on its side way up top of the map.

Okay. If that helps. Guy on his side. Oh, can I get to him in time? That's a great question. Let's see. He is 55 feet away from you. Wait, why is he down here now?

Hmm? I thought he ran to get away. He did a shadow step or something. So he's not in the stairwell. Brian is not in the stairwell. No, not Brian, the nail face guy. Now on roll 20. He never made it out of the stairwell.

Well, he's on roll 20. Isn't he in the room with us? I see him. Yeah. He's at the top. It got moved over for a second. And now maybe refresh your screen. Yeah, refresh your screen.

I had to very, very, very quickly move him so I could add him to the turn order, which of course feels silly now that it feels like everyone's just going to annihilate him and this is going to end soon. But his token was only moved for a second and it sounds like it got stuck on your screen, Sarah. Okay. So I went up towards him. Okay.

Let's see how... I think if you... Let's see. I don't know how fast you can move. What's your speed on your sheet there, Ronnie? Well. Your speed is fart noise. That is what I took from that. Where would I see that?

It's at the top, sort of in the center right. Very top row. Yeah, under your picture. Oh, yeah. It's 50. Oh, well. Great. Well, you can get right up to him. Actually, you were within 50. I kind of put the ruler behind

you to the right a little bit, so you should be able to get right up where you are, no problem. Okay. But do I still get an action or no? Yes, you do. You can run right up to his face and diss him. I love it. Alright. I will.

It's been a while, right? Sing it. I'm going to arm blade the shit out of him. Okay. So you're aiming specifically for his rectal cavity. Oh. No. I'm just his gut.

Great. His gut region. He is incapacitated. I believe this is automatic success because he's knocked down, incapacitated, paralyzed. There's just no fucking way. Until it's his turn again,

I'm having that you guys just get to wail on him for a round. I rolled a 17 anyway, so sick. Roll that damn seven. Seven from the arm. All right.

He has taken over 150 points of damage. All right. From the arm blade. He has taken over 150 points of damage. Totals. Look at that. Ha ha. I said ha ha. All right.

You get more attacks, Brian? No, I think I just get the one, right? I think you get, if not two, at least a bonus period blows, right? I never know when I have to fucking run over and use something.

I never remember the rules. Brian, pick me up an attack. You have two attacks per action. So if this is your action, go and stabby stab. Please roll again. Your damage. Automatic success. All right.

Although, you know what? You can. here's the thing Y'all can both roll twice if you want to go for the crit But it will be Another seven So three sevens Great One for each cheek

Right Alright, Chris It's y'all Alright Friar Jolly is going to All right, Chris, it's y'all. All right. Friar Jolly is going to run up, I guess, next to Winifred in the doorway, and he's going to cast Toll the Dead,

which I don't know how this affects with his incapacitation. He's going to make a wisdom saving throw. DC 17. Okay. That's going to be a plus zero. I'm trying to do it all

in roll 20, y'all. Trying to do it all in roll 20. Wow, fun. I feel like this is a win-win for me. Look at that. Nine. Nice. So he's already taken damage, correct? Oh, yeah. In what context? Because he's taken a shitload this battle.

You know? Great. As long as he's already taken damage, then my 2d8s turn into 2d12s. Oh, God. As the sound of death echoes throughout the chamber. Oh boy. 437 plus 5.

12 points of necrotic damage. Okay. Damn. Alright. The sound of death ringing in everyone's ears. Will that be your turn, Chris? Yeah, and I'll turn to Winifred. I'll turn to Winifred.

I'll turn to Winifred and be sort of like, that was cool when that lance came out of your forehead. You were like a unicorn. Thank you. I really appreciate the props because sometimes I'm out here doing what I do and I'm like, does anyone even notice? Mm-hmm.

Nope, I saw it. I just like really loudly tell everyone else, I'm like, does anyone even notice? Mm-hmm. Nope, I saw it. I just like really loudly to everyone else. I'm like, does anyone even notice me? And then, you know, nobody's paying attention. Pretty typical. You make me regret saying hello to you. I give him a big hug. Ha ha ha.

Adorable. All right, I'm going to have some NPCs go, but speak amongst yourselves for a second. I've almost got everybody entered into the turn order. So I'm going to finish that up real quick. Hey, Ken, how's your asshole doing these days? Oh my God. Well, hi.

Here I'm live, Mike. Oh, I'm sorry. Dan said we should just fill the space for a moment. So I figured we'd just chat. You know what I like to talk about. What? I don't like your tone of voice when you do something. I feel like Dan's not going to ask us to fill

anymore. No, I will. It's just I will be horrified. Bumholes. Alright, you guys. Flaming bag of dog shit. So this is my gift to y'all. It is Hoshinka's turn in the

turn order, which is second to last. But if you look, if you push the little clock on the left, everybody's turn is now there. So you can all follow along very easily. Cool. Thank you, Dan. Where everybody is now there. So you can all follow along very easily. Cool. Thank you, Dan. Where everybody is. Yes, it should make

things visually simpler for y'all, especially folks who regularly use that aspect of Roll20 and perhaps the other games. But yes, up next is Hoshinko, who is going to just straight up run down the stairs.

Just gonna attempt to throw some darts. Buy some snooker and have it point. All right, Brian. Yes. It's not your turn, but you do notice a little stone hedgehog runs past you down the stairs, kind of scampers down.

It's a little bit larger than a normal hedgehog runs past you down the stairs, kind of scampers down. It's a little bit larger than a normal hedgehog, but it looks kind of like a running garden decoration. It jumps on top of the demon creature that you have been fighting that's right in front of you. Those of you who are near the doorway, see this thing has been scampering towards the doors for a while. And Fizzbort calls out, Stand clear of the big guy!

That'll do it for Fizzbort's turn. Up next is gonna be... Big guy. The little hedgehog has jumped on his body And it just clamped down on his throat He is now I have incapacitated Sarah from your psychic lance Yes?

Does he get to re-roll To incapacitate? No just until the start of my next turn He's incapacitated Okay so he's just absolutely fucked And that'll do it for his turn The hedgehog has been doing some damage. Up next is Blaine.

Now, Fizzbord said to stay clear of the big guy, right? Yeah, and he feels like he's just saying, you know, there might be a blast zone or something. That's the vibe you got. Okay, because I was going to go up there right into the blast zone and do some... And diss him! Well, listen. Sometimes you don't know this Fizzbord guy too well.

Blast zone is up for interpretation. Can I ask Fizzbord what he means by hey, how bad is your hedgehog going to go off? I call it a disco inferno.

Oh, okay. So let's give him some room. All right. Yeah, yeah. I'm just going to hold position, I guess, and maybe cover my pods. Your ear pods? Cover my pods. Your ear pods? My delicate druid pods. So they don't take any blast damage.

By the way, ear pods is how I say air pods with a Philadelphia accent. Your ear pods? Yeah, I'm just going to hold position. All right, I'm putting hold action for ya That'll take us around to Ken What the hell, I'll sling a Grass boat bolt into him I'd like to see you try and automatically succeed

Again, you guys get Until this dude, like Gets up Like, uh You would get disadvantage on ranged attacks but he is incapacitated so you don't

you don't automatically have advantage but you may want to roll in case you get a crit and uh okay uh and that was 12 points of damage cool and they'll do it again yeah

he's getting pretty fucked up 5 points of damage okay we've now done almost 200 points of damage together as a group hmm bunk is up duck out of the way

you're gonna go back up to the top of the stairwell Is what it looks like Just gonna get behind something Okay Bunk is gonna take his turn To step 10 feet to the east And hold his action

Um Winifred you're up Hi Um um Winifred you're up hi um so everybody's okay um so he now at the start of my turn is now no longer incapacitated just to be clear gotcha

um he's still intimidated I mean he's yeah he's the fear psychic damage um and uh uh now I'm going to um

let's see 60 feet how long am I within 60 feet I always what's up in here yes um

okay so I'm going to um tell scream at him yes um okay so i'm going to um tell scream at him that uh his braces make him look dumb and he should have gotten invisalign and um oh man viciously mocking him and his

dumb metal head mouth um and he's just gonna take a teeny little, just a little bit of damage from that. Just a little bit. Okay. From your bullying? Yeah.

Just a nice little four points from a distance. From a distance. The nail face. Now the rest of the song. Take some damage. And then my turn's over. Brian, you're up.

Right on. Well, I should get out of here too, right? But I'll arm blade him and then move. Okay. Stick and move, like Biggie Smalls says. Do I need to... I don't need to roll anymore? No, you do now.

No, no, he's not yet. You do now, yes. Okay, gotcha. He just went wiki-wiki. All right. I will do that. Oh, shit. 15 plus 7.

22. That's certainly a hit. Please roll that damage. Acacia Avenue. Nine. Okay. Yep. nine. Okay. Yeah.

Not the German no. I got nine points. And you're going to run back up the stairs? You're going to run back up the stairs. Got you good, Dan. Take it, Dan. So you say. But are you, Brian?

Yes, I will. Okay. Because he is now going. Let me scoot away. I'll do a, do I need to do anything to shadow step? I can just automatically do that, right? Oh, yeah. If you shadow step, he will not get the opportunity attack that I was about to.

That's what I was going to do. No, I'm fucking shadow stepping. Yes, you may. Like, there's a BG song that you never heard. Shadow stepping. Whoa. It's like the most lighthearted singing I've ever heard from you, Brad. I can't go any higher than that.

That's the highest I can go. So, there's a good shadow underneath, like, the sort of little torch pedestals to the right and left of these double doors, do you want to go under east or west? East. East, bound and down. Okay.

He looks at his giant cleaver and just mutters to himself, I was really supposed to get a fucking opportunity to attack, son of a fuck. All right, up next is... Sorry, not sorry. Chris, you're up. Fire Jolly is going to cast Sacred Flame,

which is a dexterity saving throw. Is this guy still immobilized? Sure is. All right, so then he would automatically feel such well he's he's prone okay so he's not immobilized I sort of took a little too much imagination with technically he is prone and frightened but not incapacitated okay well then he's got to make a DC 17 dexterity saving throw. Okay, so his dexterity is like his greatest weakness. Cool. Well, it's up there anyway.

Boop, boop, boop, here it comes. Oh no, he botched it. And he has a negative one to it. Wow. So I will give you double damage on this. Great. So it's 11. So, oh, minus five. So six, 12, and five, 17 points of radiant damages.

Radiant fire descends from just above him and burns his little buns. How would you like to see him die, Chris? I would like to see the flames descend and turn his nail helmet red hot and he burns away from inside his mask. Cool. It just begins to cook and glow

and get whiter and whiter until it just looks like the brightest possible light that could emanate from steel, iron, any kind of metal you've seen. Can some steam come out of his ears and make whistles? Some real Goof Troop shit starts happening and his already skinless flesh just starts to boil and he twitches and stops twitching. Knowing that Hedgehog is about to go off, however, I will come over here behind Sarah and next to Brian.

And start to be like, whoa, I'd like to see this disco thing. You see Nausicaa just run top speed out of the hallway uh going like and um dr uid and i'm sorry not nausicaa uh haushinka i get them confused and so did y'all a few episodes ago uh it got contagious and that's that's uh silly of me but dr uid haushinka like like smacks you on the back it is like, Get the fuck out of this hallway! You do, yes? Yes. Turn and run!

Great. There's a beat, and then you all just kind of see the stone hedgehog just politely trot, like, and walk over to Fizzbort and climb up on your shoulder. So he canceled? I don't think it was necessary. Prior Jolly finished him off

just in time. We'll save that for next time. He's kind of an ex- Looking forward to it. The Hedgehog is probably like, wait, what? I was gonna what Alright

What are you gonna do with your illusion You gonna dismiss it Sarah I made you do it It's like I don't even remember doing this I'd wave him away You got drunk I'm sorry I made you Pull that out of nowhere but

It was my my attempt at tactile tactical uh movements and of course it is all done now the the the guy's corpse is of course just sort of like akimbo like really awkward kind of splayed out at the bottom of the stairs like you know an np an NPC in Unreal Engine, just all fucking Elder Scrolls 3, like, limbs bent in the wrong direction. I searched the body. Sweet. Let's get an investigation check. For character motivation. No, for loot.

Absolutely. He has an iPod Nano. That would be so cool. 700 songs. 20. iPod Nano. That would be so cool. 700 songs. 20. Okay. The following things are on the course. You got a 20.

That means you're going to discover a whole, well, the whole of it, I shall say. It's not a lot lock. There is a giant cleaver-like weapon that you think would be difficult for maybe all your friends except Queep to actually pick up and haul around.

As we're going through, I'm handing them to the appropriate. He can either toss it or do with it what he will. I hand Queep the cleaver. Queep, you just got cleaved. Bye. Okay.

What are the stats on it? Do we get that? Not yet. I will say when you hold it, it gives you a very unnerving vibe. Enjoy. A cursed queaver. A cursed? Yeah. It gives you a very unnerving vibe. Oh. Enjoy. Uh-oh.

A cursed quiver. A cursed, yeah. Oh my gosh, try to say it. Yeah, it almost has like... Creeps Cursed Cleaver. Creeps Weaver Cleaver. Creeps Cursed Cleaver. That's the name of my new tower.

Creeps Cleaver. It's Cleaver. Ew, I don't like how Cleaver sounds at all. Mike Seaver's Cursed Cleaver Queever. Okay, let's go. Queever was great on McCloud. Listeners, tell us what we should have said. But not typed out.

You have to send us a SoundCloud link to you trying to say it. You saying it. Insert your joke here. Isn't that what every good podcast is? Just telling listeners it insert your joke here that's isn't that what every good podcast is just telling listeners insert your joke here we need a platform for that and it's called patreon.com nerd poker yes you find that that is not all he is wearing studded leather pants. Mm-hmm. They are pretty large,

and I would say seem like not really, you know, of much use. He's wearing big leather boots. Also seems like not much use. Demonia kind of goth platforms. Exactly. He's been to hot,ic, but you know. Like 90s Hot Topic. The good stuff. And then he's got

a tool belt with a large hammer on it that looks like any of you could probably wield, but it I would do an Arcana check, please. It's weird that a guy with nails all over his own face would have a hammer

it's like a comb it just feels like a dangerous thing to walk around uh that's a bot check bot cool hammer okay

um you don't really uh note much but there is you know all his stuff i pick it up by like two fingers and i'm like oh and i drop it if they don't really note much, but there is, you know, all his stuff. I pick it up by like two fingers and I'm like, oh, and I drop it. Yeah, it's like it's got his and other people's like gore smeared all over it, much like his cleaver sword. And it is very top heavy, but it's shaped kind of like a carpenter's hammer as opposed to a warhammer, and it's large.

So it's like a giant, wieldable carpenter's hammer, although he is very, very tall. So for him, it may have been not unlike a carpenter's hammer. He also has a little, like a case, a folding over leather case. And when you open it up, it has a row of gigantic nails. This guy. Goes with the hammer, I guess. Um, okay. And, uh, that'll do it. Fuck this guy.

Alright. Anyone wants these hammering? Are you, are you, yeah, like, hammering nails. Anyone? Anyone? I'm good. Yeah, I'm fine. I don't suppose those nails are made out of healing potions. That'd be cool. Yeah, I mean, would you like to try to drive a nail into yourself and see if you gain hit points?

I'm good. I'm good. That's actually a good idea. I like how you said your response in your character's voice, Chris. So it was as if God was asking you if you wanted to drive a nail into yourself. And you're like, I'm not. Winifred was telling me. Oh.

She would. I think. I don't get to decide. Sarah gets to decide. You leave his corpse then. And yes, I will just remind everyone that Gus is quivering in a corner hiding behind something he is not

sure what to do with himself but there are bodies laying all over the floor there's this pentagram that you just got green flame to shoot up out of and sort of summon Hoshinka from another plane where she says she was imprisoned all clear Gus all good from another plane where she says she was imprisoned. All clear, Gus.

It's all good. Come on out. Yeah, we're all good. Everything's fine. Okay. What did you... Why... Is he dead?

Yeah. Yeah, he's super dead. Yeah, you can eat him if you want. What? You can eat him. I'll give it a try. He like walks over there. Nope. I'm good.

Nope. He kind of just like puts his fingers on his snout and like very hastily marches back up the stairs, like wiggling his butt. You guys all sort of know the path ahead is another pair of giant steel doors, and I'm

briefly going to walk away from my computer because I can hear my cat knocking shit over. But, um, yeah. So, uh, you can keep looking around the room, but you've looked around the room a lot. Let's just keep going through the doors. Shouldn't we go through the doors where the guy came through?

I wasn't here. Yeah. Maybe there'll be another guy with a very long... Yeah, like a screwdriver guy. Oh no, roll through. Avoid a T-square. The level? I can't wait to meet Mr. Level. And he turns to the side and a bubble goes...

Deadly contractors. This is uneven. Guys, let's keep naming tools. Someone make me some shims. Kim Allen. You know what the meter saw? I'm glad that we could have this conversation. You guys, I have the doors in front of you,

and they are open. Oh, dear. You can just tell from peeking in, it looks like there is a large chamber that does not have a lot in it, but looks like it is stone and got kind of like a rainy cobblestone scent lofting out of it.

They're light, bright, dim. rainy cobblestone scent lofting out of it. The light? The bright? I can put light in there. It looks like there's dim torchlight. Maybe there's one torch in this room. I swear. The ceiling was up. Shall we head in?

Yeah, let's do it! Lovely. Well, you's do it! Lovely. Well, you head on into the room. It is about... 30 by 30 feet. There are no other doors. There is a large switch on the wall, a stone peg coming out of a little contraption.

There is, like I said, there is one torch on the north wall. Otherwise, it is a featureless 30 by 30 room. Was it just a holding pen for this thing, do you think? The guy?

Do an insight check, everybody. Look. 18 plus 8. Ooh. Jeez, nice. I don't know that anyone will beat that. No. I got a 10, so maybe I did beat that.

I got a 16. Cool. Well, you guys are doing well. Ronnie, do you want to try to beat a 26 insight? Yeah, there's no chance, but sure. 18. Not bad for Ronnie. Pretty good.

Pretty good. You all feel like this pulley does something. It's not pulley. It's like, you guys know what I'm talking about, right? Like a forearm-sized thing that you can pull up. It's a lever. Thank you. It's a lever.

I will blame my COVID brain for being unable to say this, even though clearly airport bags were an issue for me three years ago. So, yes. Doing that will do something. You don't think it was necessarily holding pen for him. You think this guy probably could work this switch, Dr. Ewood. You think by working this switch

something would happen. Your many NPCs including Gus, Ashinka, Fizzbort, and Bunk, as well as formerly the brain in a jar who's kind of gone and Lucas, who is sort of fucked up

and I think still strapped to someone's back. I can't remember who. No, is he gone? I was listening to the end of an episode that I missed the end. You guys like dumped him on the ground and then we're fighting over what to do. Yeah, I think we put him down. What did you end up doing?

I propped him up outside somewhere. Yeah, well, I think he's up in the pentagram. You were thinking about killing him and then I think you didn't and I don't know what happened after that. Do you guys just debate killing him then forget that he existed and walk away? Yeah, just left him up there for now.

Sounds normal. It sounds like you're still leaving him up there. I mean, he's just at the top of the stairs. Okay. With mangled legs. Yeah. All right. I think we got a problem.

He can find some food up there somewhere. So, great. So, not including Lucas. Lucas is no longer a part of your adventure. No, here's what I remember. Here's what I remember. I did listen to this episode that I missed. You guys, there was something about,

could he still be communicating with the king? Did he still have a connection to the king? Now you do know, yes. And I think Dan said that might be true. And I think that's what stopped you from killing him. So I don't know if you just, you're still carting him around. he told you the king's brain teleported into an available body somewhere not super far away in this but then when you were considering killing

him it was like oh wait should we not kill him because maybe he can get us there yeah so i guess Yeah. So I guess he's just still with you? I'll put him on my back. Fine. He's like a heavy puzzle piece. Everyone's like, is this puzzle worth it? Isn't there enough going on? He thinks about piping up and then realizes pretty much anything he says will get him killed and he just sort of

like winces as he is strapped to Friar Jolly's back. What were you going to say to him? Oh. Oh, Lucas. Again, on Zoom, I don't know who you're talking to. Is there something?

What? No, I just thought you were going to say something. I'm good. Anyway. Yes, you have what looks like a featureless room that is changed somehow by this lever. And all those NPCs, except for

uh... Except for nobody. No, everyone's with you. Except the brain. I think maybe we need to throw this. What if we back out of the room? Does anyone have a mage hand? Like a magical ability to manipulate things? Maybe you could throw the lever.

And not stand on the floor? Yeah, from out here on the staircase, perhaps. Yeah, everybody back up. And my mage hand goes in. Okay. You send your mage hand in and you pull the lever. It's in the up position. You pull it in and you pull the lever it's in the up position you pull it down all right you pull the lever down and the door immediately slams shut in between us

no longer feel like yeah you no longer feel a connection to the major we hear anything i mean uh or anything um everybody do a perception great guys that was a great idea way to go Lucas 16 I'm sorry is that sarcasm 7 I'm sorry is not sorry

no no no I'm sorry not sarcasm no I mean 16 alright well Not sarcasm. Not sarcasm. Not sarcasm. No, I mean... Okay. 16. All right. Well, those of you who can beat a 15, you do hear what sounds like a muffled voice and a pause and then a cranking sound.

Okay, wait a minute. Is that the outside Brian's bedroom? Hey. Applause. I feel like it was some sort of elevator. So here, I will allow me. Listen, I am theatrically trained. Allow me to illustrate exactly what all of you hear. As soon as the doors go,

you hear a... Are we supposed to set Charlie Callis free? No, I almost finished it. I almost finished it, but yes, you hear similar things to what I just did before the Charlie callous thing. Charlie. And then applause.

When you say applause, Dan, like. Absolutely not applause. You hear cranking. I think a pause. He said a pause. And then. A pause. A beat.

A dramatic beat. That would be weird as hell. Oh my God. I was like, what? Friar Jolly, you just feel like you haven't had any validation lately. Oh yeah, Winifred's ears were like, excuse me? We're having a pause break. The sound that was so familiar to me in my everyday life.

Miss it. Unfortunately, you'll have to make a player choice that will evoke applause in probably every Dungeons & Dragons game until you find a tavern. Okay, so... We open the door? Clank closed. Can we open it?

Or is... You don't know that the clanking was like a lock or anything, but yeah, you could try. Who's trying? Very jolly. Yeah, I'll turn around and say, Lucas, grab that door. Do a persuasion check. Persuasion, you say?

Not my strength. Oh, jeez, 20. Not natural, but 20. He very nervously says, Alright, Friar Jolly, I'll open the door. He shakily reaches an arm out

and grabs it. His head gets thrown back and his arm goes limp. His head lolls forward. Like he's unconscious? Uh, yes. I think that door's trapped, folks. Hmm.

Well, I can use the mage hand again. Okay. You try to pop the door open with it? I do. Sweet. Um, it opens do. Sweet. It opens up. Okay.

I'm starting to think Lucas is just a little bit of a lazy bones. All right. You see the room looks not unlike how you left it. It looks the same. Okay. So we go, we go back. Something definitely happened when the door shut. So we go inside, let's investigate this room. Yeah. The rest of it.

Can I get an investigation check from everybody? Aww. I'll give everybody guidance ahead of time. Can we do that? Mm-hmm. So everybody can add a D4. Perception? Investigation.

All right, I got a natural 20, plus five, plus three. Nice. Thank you for your guidance. I didn't really need it, because I did get a natural 20, but... You thought there was applause! If ever there were a moment when I rolled my 28 investigation with a natural 20, but... You thought there was applause! If ever there were a moment when I rolled my 28 investigation with a natural 20, but I guess your hands are tired.

Okay. I didn't get enough. So you can tell that this room, the walls have had a lot happen to them. I can tell. There's a lot of There's a lot of scoring. You can tell that the torch is magically lit.

The flame does not appear to be like burning cinders off of the little stub that it is burning off of. It's like one of them little battery candles little stub that it is burning off of. It's like one of them little battery candles on a restaurant table. Yes.

Yes, it is. Oh, wow. So yes, you, you, you notice that also when a Fred, you,

you feel around the edges of the room and it feels like the floor drops. It looks like there is some scoring right where the floor meets the walls. And there is probably some kind of mechanism that has the entire cobblestone floor either lower or go up. But you feel like because of where the torch is, it would either knock the torch off or that would just not be where it's going. Or you would see more grooves on the walls. It probably goes down. So it is like an elevator. Who said that seemed crazy it's i did it's a lower or elevator i thought that was the dumbest thing i'd ever heard but now queep i realized that actually your brilliance shows

itself in new ways every day yeah i'm the big jackass i think what you meant that it was the dumbest dumb waiter dumb idea you ever heard. Alright, shall we descend? Let's do it. Alright, well we'll have to find out how that descension goes in the next episode. Yo!

Of Nerd Poker. I guess we'll wait. Hey, Samuel Kiefer my friend what do you think happened hi everyone alright episode 34 there's a little running around stone hedgehog guy running around the demon

creature we're fighting we're shadow stepping and arm blading and misty stepping but ultimately he was killed by Friar Jolly we found a giant we do a ninja shots what is it? What's going on? Are you doing a voice act?

Are you performing at Helium Comedy Club this weekend? You guys, he's a mouse. He's a little mouse. Is your voice coming out different for some reason? Are we getting told you're doing a bit or not? It's scary. Alvin! No. out different for some reason? Yeah. We can't tell if you're doing a bit or not.

It's scary. No. This is the strangest COVID symptom I've ever heard of. Whenever something happened. It's a horrible symptom. It really feels like it did, Sam. Holy shit.

Okay, Sam. When you edit this episode please make sure it's the zoom track and not your local quick time for this part because this cannot oh my god oh my god keep talking and then when when you're done uh recapping the episode we want to discuss your grades i will well we found, we found some back doors and we misplaced our friend that we were carrying around. Oh, man. Wow. That's it. Wow. Well, you can find out my dates on BrianPassini.com.

I will be in Tacoma, Washington, and then I'll also be in Oklahoma. Not that happy about it, but oh well. Johnny Taylor will be with me. It'll be fun. See you soon. Brian, please play a halfling on the next season I will be doing a little

bit of performing I will do it here and there definitely follow me on Instagram if you want to but I would most of all love to plug check out Grim and Whimsy patreon.com slash Grim and Whimsy, patreon.com slash Grim and Whimsy. I have put out some stuff that's fun

and I hope you like it. Anybody else? See that movie Sisu. I have nothing to do with it, but go see it as soon as you can see it. Have you heard about it? It's that Finnish movie by the producers of the John Wick series

and Lionsgate's releasing it. Patton set up a little screening for us, and we got to see John Wick 4 and then Sisu, and they're both fucking amazing. Sisu, they both had us giggling. Like John Wick 4, I wasn't quite at the way you were in part three, Dan, but there was a lot of, there was a lot of, That sounds like me during part three, yeah.

Yeah, but you did that every hit. Mostly the horses, mostly the horses. Yeah, yeah. Those movies are so enjoyable. And Sisu is even more enjoyable because Nazis are being killed. Oh, I did hear about this. I saw a trailer for this. I wish I could have seen this with my Grandpa Ed.

I really do. My Grandpa Ed was a German man, and he fucking hated Nazis. And I would have loved to have seen it with him because he would have been fucking laughing his ass off. That's it for me. Blame. We attribute the success

to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well. Oh, on the next NerdPoker, Funko buys NerdPoker and fires everybody and still goes out of business. And the Buster Crab estate files a preemptive cease and desist against Blaine for his upcoming Baltimore stripper popping out of a Buster Crab cake joke.

All this and more on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening