Nerd Poker - S5E36 Names of Legend

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

The crew just left an elevator filled with acid, so things are probably going to get super cheery and tidy now! And, finally, the fearless leader of the group names the crew. Just in time! There's some coffins to root around in a musty inter-dimensional tomb. 

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussin, and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. It's episode 36.

We did it. We be in. My friends are here. Look at Chris. Hey, buddy. Hola, Brian. Como estas? You know.

Asi asi? Yeah, totally. Servus, Brian. Anhojvaj. All right. It's a little Hungarian. Oh, yeah. That sounded like it.

It didn't sound like Spanish, but I thought maybe it was Star Wars language. Blaine's here. Bienvenidos, Brian. Ça va? Not a lot. Dan's here. Ni hao. Nice.

Dan's a cat. Sarah, how are you? Bonjour Brian Bonjour Sam, what language do you kind of know? Hello sweet children There we go High school

That's what that felt like I can sort of do a German thing But I'm not gonna Sam How are you? Good. Good. Good. You ready?

Yeah, let's do it. All right. Start listening. Uh, Dan, you want to thank some people? Oh my God. I want to thank some people. First, our Lord and Savior, Bahamut. Second of all, we have a lot of really generous Patreon supporters over at Patreon.com slash NerdPoker. Hey, you want to keep this podcast going, don't you? Please head on over there and subscribe if you can. I know a lot of y'alls have been for a really long time and I appreciate every single one of you. As I comb through the spreadsheet,

there are of course, two upper tiers that we think in particular with shout outs, the hay boss and star Goyle tears. They go by usernames like Boeing cone pre-haw. Thank you. Thank you, Robert Jenkins. Thank you.

The other Gus. Thank you. Kiel boss, Nova. thank you the other gus thank you keel bossa nova thank you mc hoo-ha thank you just some anonymous martin thank you the hero formerly known as hulk hoagie 420 thank you michael mcavoy thank you all the boys and boist chose Betty Crocker's Oyster Moist for the moistest oysters. Oyster moist. Thank you, James D.T.J., which of course stands for Dunking Town Jams. Thank you, T's and P's. Thank you, Pam at Peace. Thank you, Friar Jolly's

dildo trolley. Thank you, Consensual Cannibalism. Thank you, Philadelphia Collins, aka the Mustard Tiger. Thank you, Dad Dad Daddio. Thank you, Sean C. says, Hey guys, your Tomb of Annihilation run inspired me to run

my own and it's great. Guest spots are available. Thank you, Grotch Sabat. Thank you, Stabby McNeedles. Thank you, Doom Vault. Thank you, Rick Miller. Thank you, Brian's Ravenac. Thank you, Sean McKinley. Thank you, Castaway Cuties. Booty cooties!

Thank you, the Skeletoragon Trail. Thank you, John M. Emmer. Dan, say B. Now drop the B-E. Emmer. Emerge. Emergency.

Emmer. I think I got it right, John. Now, please, Blaine, tell us, who were those supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by Head & Softers Shampoo & Conditioner Conditioner. When your shampoo is just too hard, Head & Softer's Soft Shampoo & Conditioner Conditioner. And Blackout

Correction Fluid. It's just a bottle of vodka. Dan? Thank you, Blaine. I appreciate your airtime. I would now like to tell you all what happened. Last time on Nerd Poker, our heroes, which I think almost got a group name last episode, descended deeper into the castle of King Valix.

Within, they seem to have found a series of chambers and rather cruelly, just trying to casually spot what was going on with the statue one of them came to life and smacked Winifred we now take you to initiation rolls about to happen hey everybody if you could just roll initiative I will

make note of it within roll 20 so if you are one of the lucky few greatest tall men who already has a plugin running so you can roll it within Roll20, I welcome it. Yeah. But I will...

I think if you click your token on the Roll20 map and then roll your initiative, it might actually go straight in. I'm not sure. I also have a reaction I would like to use. Oh!

Howin'a, howin'a, howin'a oh let me really just do this very basic maintenance thing of getting all the npcs into the turn order i won't add their numbers or nothing and then please let's hear about this reaction yes i'm ready uh i'm going to use my gift of the gem dragon telekinetic reprisal when you take damage from a creature within 10 feet I can use my reaction to force the creature to make a strength

saving throw on a failure they're going to take force damage and they're pushed 10 feet away on success they take half as much damage and don't get what was a strength saving throw? Strength saving throw, DC 17. Have a plus three to strength. Okay.

That's going to be 16. Okay. So they fail. They're gonna take 2d8 force damage, and they're pushed 10 feet away. Damn. Let me check something real quick. This is a big-ass iron statue. 11 points of force damage. I think he has to take it. So, 10 feet, you say? 11 points of force damage.

I think he has to take it. So 10 feet, you say? It says up to 10 feet. So I wonder what the... I mean, does it have to come directly from you? By the way, there's a big red X on you, which I find weird. I don't know what happened. But I was sorry, I don't know what happened. Answer it.

Sorry, I was in the middle. It's okay. Now you're drawing on yourself. I was trying to figure out how to roll the... Common graffiti vagrant. Yeah, it just says from me. Yes, it does say from me. Okay, so yeah, he can only go five feet back against the wall, but that will take you out of melee range,

which I think you'll enjoy. Roll that 2d8 damage if you haven't already. I don't think you have. I did. I didn't hear it because my brain can only hold one grain of sand at a time. Does anyone see it on their thing? It didn't pop up in roll 20. I'm looking at the...

Oh, is it in... It was in roll 20. I just saw it. I see it in the game log for D&D Beyond is 11. Nice. Yes. Okay. Thank you. Anyone who has the ability to roll on either of those, it is super handy.

Okay. Making a note. Also, I'm going to try to add points to the baddies, which, you know, this is a feature that Chris has been using for a while in Roll20 that I think is super cool. You can put whatever color bar you want, green, blue, red, however many hit points your character has. And I can do that with the NPCs, but you can also all do that with your character. And I can do that with the NPCs, but you can also all do that with your characters. So I'm currently...

Dooby dooby doo. And doing this brought to us by Standing Up Too Fast. Nothing fucks you up like Standing Up Too Fast. Dizzy up that rascal with standing up too fast Standing up too fast From the makers of the Benz Alright we got a 14 For Chris Tallman For initiative yeah

How the hell You delete an extra person You accidentally put in there? This is always my forte. And then we've got... For you, 1399. Yeah, kill

two seconds for me, please. Fuck around. I beg of you. Uh, you know, I was on the Hollywood Walk of Fame the other day. Oh, yeah. Kill two seconds for me. Please don't blame fuck around. I beg of you. You know, I was on the Hollywood Walk of Fame the other day. Oh, yeah. Looked down and saw Loretta Swit. And just at that moment, a car came and I almost got really hit.

Oh. That's not what I thought was going to happen. Yeah. Are you all right, Blake? Yeah, I was scared the shaving cream. Hey, nice and clean. Every day and you'll always look clean. Out of me. I'll bet. and you'll always look game. Ba-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do my roll. I didn't roll on the initiative. I rolled just a 20. What did you get on the initiative, Kweep? And it sounds like we have a correction from Winifred.

Not much better. I think it was 8. Okay. Yeah, that eats a lot. What did you get, Winifred? I'm in there already because I rolled it and I did figure out how to roll it and then I added 5, which is my initiative bonus within the roll on roll 20. So it should be automatically there.

A different initiative looked like it was showing up in D&D Beyond. So that's why that's a 10. I heard a noise, but I rolled a 15. No, no, it was. It was 10. Why did you just change it? Because it says you got a 18 plus 5 in roll 20. No, I had a 10.

Numbers, folks. Okay. Numbers. Can I? Oh, it's not my turn Nevermind Yeah, you sure can't. Mine's a 15, by the way 15? Yes And

Why are you not, okay I'm fixing that Up first in the turn order is going to be The Iron Statue. So he is going to... Go... You're going to get an opportunity attack if you want one, a melee one, Winifred. Yeah, of course I do yeah

okay I will attack him let's see it melee weapons creepier so that's 10 points of damage if I hit him because I rolled that first like first let's get that hit attempt with your rapier. That is a great hit. That's fantastic.

Please roll nothing because you already did it. And this is what kind of damage slashing, right? Piercing. Piercing. Piercing. Piercing. Alright, you manage to just smack him with the tip of the sword, poke him, give him a poke.

You just poke him? Old school Facebook poke. Little poke poke. And yeah, he's gonna take that damage, which was 10. He then, after taking said damage, walks, continues to walk past you, basically ignores you. Huh.

Um, Kweep, he plants his feet next to you. Good dick. Raises the sword and brings it down. This is coming at you, birdie boy. All right. No, that is not going to be plus 376. 22 to hit. That's a hit. Okay. He's then going to get 2d6 plus 3 damage. Six points! The truck across the street says,

and then he gets multi-attack, so he reaches down and pulls a hammer out and tries to crack you across the face. Oh, they're flinker. What is that with

hammers in this dungeon? Are you sure we're not in an osh? Hammer time. Seriously. Okay. 16 hits. That is my armor class of 16.

Oh, that's gonna do it. He's gonna, once again, 2d6. He's bludgeoning. Okay. This is not the best interface. Well, I sure wish that was a 20 for your sake, but he botched

his damage roll, and that is 4 points of bludgeoning damage. That's gonna do it for his turn, so that'll bring us in the turn order Gus. Gus, who's in the main chamber, still goes, and he flies and perches on that column right there.

Dr. Uy, you're up. I'm going to hit it with a moonbeam. Cool. Moonbeam is a ray of moonlight that you get to reposition a bunch yes but it is concentration so you can get brained and stop casting it that's okay i'm i'm staying where i am which is a little

little bit out of range there but uh silvery beam of pale light shines down five foot radius uh that's gonna be constitution saving throw for him. Half as much if he makes it. And that is going to be 2d10.

He has a plus four to his constitution. Seven and seven. Fourteen. It would be a 19 on it. Yeah! Does he take half? Takes half. And what was the total?

14, so seven points. Got it. You take seven points of radiant damage. And I'm going to glare at Gus. Comfortable? I'm not comfortable due to the violence. Do you need something? No, just being facetious, you fuck.

Oh, because I'm not attacking you with my tiny body and my tiny hands? He's an Iron Man. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, et cetera. You went really quick from being mad at me to just singing songs. Up next in the turn order is Friar Jolly. Friar Jolly is going to raise up his arms and say, the power of the silver flame! And will cast a scorching ray.

So I create three rays of fire and hurl them at targets. Make a ranged spell attack for each ray. So I create three rays of fire and hurl them at targets. Make a range spell attack for each ray. So it's an attack three times. The first one... Sorry. It's not letting me roll it on my thing so I have to bring up the dice tool. Alright, so for the first one, add nine to this, so 17 to hit.

That is a hit. All right, I'll roll the second one. Same deal. Plus nine, 13, 22 to hit. Hit. And finally, 13, 22 to hit. Hit. And finally, the last one. Oh, natural one. Oh boy, roll that 100.

Boy, that's a bad idea. Uh, king. Bad idea doing the thing you had no choice over, but was left to chance. Yes. 23. You pulled a real boner. I did.

23. Okay. So this means... We win? You miss and you knock something important over. Okay. The other statue. So this is a spell, right? Yes, it is. Okay. So you're just going to knock that

sort of flaming torch on the floor. What is that? What is that called? Like a brazier? A brazier. Thank you. That is exactly what I wanted to hear. Okay.

You knock the brazier over and just kind of. I'm sure it's fine. Down goes brazier. So I'm going to roll damage for the other two. Please. Yes. The first one does nine. And then...

There we go. And the second one does another nine. So a total of 18 fire damage to that guy. Damn, all right. And then I think I might... Yeah, hold where I am. I like it. Excellent.

That will bring us next. Bunk. Bunk is gonna blink right up to this guy and start slashing. Blink him to your face and slash you! He rolls a 23 to hit, and it should have gone twice. Well, so one of those is a hit.

Ten points of slashing damage, and that'll do it for his turn up next. 10 points flashing damage and that'll do it for his turn up next Ronnie yeah buddy I'm gonna actually try my stunning strike on him I'm gonna use a key point and I'm gonna swing my

my let's see key point and I'm going to swing my, uh, um, my, uh, my arm blade at him. Great. Go for it. Bring on, bring that token on up where you want him to be planting his feet as he strikes with stun. You'd be so kind. About 22. All right, that is a hit.

Show me where you are, Brian. Show me where you are. I use a ki point to, let's see. So what it does is, well, I'm right there, right next to him. Like next to, like above Kweep on the map? Yeah, yeah. I'll move you.

So when you hit with a melee weapon attack, you spend one ki point to make the target stunned until the end of your next turn if it fails the constitution saving throw, DC 15. Okay. I'm just going to check something real quick because he is a statue, and I want to see if he is immune. And I get eight points of damage.

Nice. Cool. So stun separate from other... It is. He is not immune to stun. Cool. He has to do what kind of saving throw? Constitution,

I believe. Hold on. I'll reread it. Thank you. Yeah. saving throw constitution i believe hold on i'll reread it thank you uh yeah con saving throw dc15 nice he's gonna roll that with a plus four and he's stunned to the end of my next turn oh balls he got a nine cool things went well for Ronnie. Smacked the shit out of him, you guys. He stunned. I'm reminded of our friend Nailface.

Things are going Nailface real quick. Do I get a second attack? You tell me, boss. I think you do. Yeah, I think I can hit him again, right? Okay. I will do that. Sorry, Phil. I do that too much.

I say sorry all the fucking time. What are you, Canadian? Yeah. By teasing other people for saying it too much, I remind myself to stop doing it. Okay, that one was weakness. I almost said weak sauce, but I'd never say weak sauce so until now

that would have been funny you get it man oh I do? oh yeah yeah give it another try oh fuck two late ones in a row eight and a ten

derp even with my plus seven. Sorry, you stunned him. Yeah. Sadly, that is a derp. Hey, Sarah, what is Winifred's dexterity? NYB. Depends.

I mean, it's... Do you have a natural plus two? Or what is it, like a 14? For a saving throw? No, no, your actual stat. Because of reasons that will be very clear in a moment. 17. Sweet.

Well, then you are definitely going next. But another statue to the south is coming to life. And he also got a 10. So you're going to have a 10.1. And he's... Cocker. Yeah a 10.1. And he's. Cocker. Yeah. Initiative.

Okay. He'll he's showing up, but he goes after you. Okay. That's great news for me because I was going to have to hold my action because there were so many people just crowding and pressing on that other guy. But now there's this guy for me.

Right. Yeah. It's my turn now. Yes. Cool. I look him dead in his weird pewter eyes and I'm going to cast shatter at fourth level. It's a deck save. It is a constitution saving throw.

However, a creature made of an inorganic material such as metal has disadvantage on his saving throw oh here comes a bad one so he's gonna roll twice 10. goodness good enough oh yeah so now i get to do my damage yeah do it do it do it damage it okay so we're doing it at the statue ouchie fourth level and does he just kind of fall over and shatter like uh in that jason uh or the sinbad movie i don't think it's gonna kill him, but a painfully intense loud ringing noise, pretty much the opposite of my singing voice,

erupts from the point of choice within range, which is obviously right in front of him, and he's gonna take 23 points of damage. Oh my. Thunder damage. Whee! And does he get knocked back with a shatter too? I think he does. No, no.

Nothing about knocking back. I think that's Thunder Wave. I'm confusing it with Thunder Wave, yes, thank you. It's really good. Is that just like a one-time thing? Does that, do you keep doing that? No, it's just one time, but listen, I got a lot of other stuff. Pretty good.

I'm going to quiver. Okay. Do it for your turn, ma'am. Huh? I said, will that do it for your turn, ma'am, which is an offensive term, and I apologize. Is ma'am's offensive? I've never called you ma'am

and it felt uncomfortable. Use mama. I don't mind ma'am. I am not going to call one of my friends mama. I call you mama. You can call me mama. I'm not going to call somebody of... You can call me Ray. You can call me Scorching Ray. Listen, I'm a

bitch. I'm a mama. I'm a mama. I'm a ma'am. Okay, so I'm going to... Yeah, no, that's it. That's it for me. Okay. That will do it for your turn then. And the guy that you just cast Shatter on

was facing in the direction of Bunk, Queep, and Ronnie, but is now pivoting his head towards you for obvious reasons. He is going to bring a sword over his head and attempt to bring it down on you. What? He's so far away from me. Huh?

What do you mean? I moved his token. He is walking. Oh, man. You are only 30 feet away. shit oh balls hang on a second yeah he only gets 20 feet of fucking movement whoopsie doodle he's mad let me see so he i'm gonna look at his other options though um i mean he will uh use uh his action to get closer, but he will not attack. Oh, no, please.

That makes him sad. Oh, sir. Like, visibly sad. Up next is Queep. I will use my intimidating presence on the other second dragon. Cool. That's a wisdom saving throw. What is the result if he fails? I get cool. That's a wisdom saving throw.

What is the result of if he fails? He will be frightened. OK, it sounds so ineffective, like he'll just be a little scared, but. Oh, he'll be really good. He rolled a 19. His mind. Huh? He rolled a 19 on a saving throw. Well, then he is not.

Yeah, he just stone-eye, or iron-eyes just no pupils, just... But I will chop-chop the guy in front of me. Blank stare, go for it. He is stunned also, I believe, right? Until Ronnie's next turn? I have advantage, right?

Ronnie, how long is he stunned you do have until the end of my next turn got it thank you very much oh what's the name plus here uh so that was a what did i just roll no one knows is it in there? You rolled twice. Seven and a something. I see a 12. Oh, okay. Those are a couple of misses. 17.

So you're just going to glance your blade off of him a couple of times. Oh, wait, no, you got a seven. Wait. 17, because I have a five plus. Oh, it just isn't adding up the way. I didn't roll it right. That's the problem. Okay. Well, you're a goof. That is a hit. Please roll your damage.

Alright then. Silly goose. 7. Smashing the statue. Cool. Yeah, I mean, you're taking chunks off of that first statue at this point, y'all. Good. They should call it a stunned chew.

Chris, you did it. A cold breeze blows through the chamber. Oh, man. Is that your turn, Queep? Yeah. The attempt to frighten and then the attack. Quizport. Quizport?

Quizport. Quizport. Quizport is going to step up and wave a hand. A large explosion will take place behind both statues, but just out of range of anyone friendly. Those guys are doing saving throws. We got a success and a fail. Now what? I'm doing damage.

Isn't it great that I'm using this tool now that makes me take as long as you guys? Okay. I'm going to take 2d8 thunder damage. Yeah. Oosh. That'll be eight points off the guy who's getting smushed up pretty thoroughly.

Up next in the turn order is the statue who's been getting mushed up and is stunned, and so for his turn, he just kind of stands there unpleasantly. Then it's Gus's turn. Gus, still perched upon the column, says, Dr. Owen, Gus, still perched up on the column, says, Dr. Ewing, what do you want?

What do I want? I want a trip to Europe. What do you want me to do? You were mad at me. Oh, sorry, I was just being a dick. You just sit there. Okay. I could do a thing if you want. Well, then do a thing, do a thing.

Like pick, myself? Yeah, whatever you want, as long as it kills both the statues at the same time. He very comically scratches his head as he tries to think of something that could kill both statues at the same time. He flies down and attempts to bite the stunned statue. Hmm.

Does. He rolls a six. He gets advantage. 19. Oh, shit. The tiny maws of Gus clamp down upon the iron statue. This is going to be a very silly roll.

Five points! Oh, shit! Five points of damage. He takes a little horn chunk off of the dragon board's head. It's full of chocolate, right? He says, Huzzah!

Yeah, it is full of chocolate. It's actually full of fondant. Up next is going to be Dr. Uid. I'm going to give Gus a green thumbs up. And then I'm going to swing the moonbeam over to the other statue that's attacking Winifred. About to. About to attack Winifred.

Cool. And then he has to do a con save, you said? Con save, yes. Here it comes. 14. Is that a con save for him? That's his con save. 10 plus 4.

Does he make it or no? What's your spell saving DC? My spell save DC is a nerd. You dork, you geek. It's 16. Oh, then he fucks it up. Please roll your full damage. 9 plus 9 is 16. oh then he it up please roll your full damage nine plus nine is 18.

oh okay so he's gonna take 18 points they're getting whittled down pretty good these two okay and that's it i'm just i'm still just maintaining position probably friar jolly I'm still just maintaining position. Fire Jolly. Fire Jolly, I think, sees that Winifred is sort of on her own, even with the moonbeam. And he's going to cast Toll the Dead. So he will make a dolorous sound.

Maybe it's like Winifred singing. And the Dragonborn statue has to make a DC 17 wisdom saving throw. Or else take some damage. I don't know why these statues don't have more wisdom bonuses, but here we go. We got a botch and a 13. Great. Are they both fails? Is 13 also a fail?

They both, yeah, it's DC 17. So it's 2D12. This is the one against Winifred. So this is 2D12 plus five. It's 510 plus five, 15 points total. I'll let you double that because he botched his saving throw. Sweet. So double be 20 plus five, so 25.

Excellent. And then the other fella is they're both looking pretty rough. Honestly, you guys are doing a great job smashing these guys and that'll bring us bunk. Who's

going to take a couple of swings because he's got advantage. He's gonna make four. Gee, that is a couple of successes. He does 13 points of slashing damage. Guy's barely standing. Like, there's chunks missing from his legs. And that is going to be

Ronnie. It's your turn. Cool. Before you stands an asshole. Yeah, I'm going to arm blade him again. All right. Kick it. Not literally, you know.

You're using an arm blade. And, and, and, and, and, and. Oh, I see the roll coming. Ooh, 21. Nice. Please roll that damage. I get an advantage, don't I? Uh, you do. So if you want to

try to get a crit, you can roll a second time, but you definitely hit. I'll take the 21. Yep. Roll your damage, sir. Oh, then... Yeah. He's barely standing, so six points?

How would you like to see the statue die? Um... Well, it has, has like a full head, right? It's, you know, missing a couple of chunks. One that Gus bit off also, but its head is still on its neck. I chop its head off and then I kick it over with my other foot. So, boom!

Huge plume of dust as you knock it over and it clangs loudly echoing throughout this chamber. It's toast. What does Ronnie say? What does Ronnie say? Something like a leader, probably. Aren't you glad I didn't say banana? In this moment, he declares the group's name, right?

Sorry, not sorry. And then Ronnie's Raiders. Ronnie's Raiders! Ronnie's Raiders. It happened. Yep. It birthed forth from the Poseidon mouth, Ronnie's Raiders.

Yeah. Wow. I'm glad I improv pimped you and you still said something. Yeah, he wasn't. Well, he was already not happy about saying sorry, not sorry. That's all he had. He's been sitting on Ronnie's Raiders for a while. Oh, nice.

Ronnie's weak sauce coming in a second, a close second. You son of a bitch. Well, now we can at least get softball uniforms made up. Amaze balls. All right. Up next is Winifred. Winifred is going to disengage, use her action to disengage from this fellow.

Since now she knows that he can only travel 20 feet. So she's going to move 25 feet away from him. Or 30 feet, which is her, but that will end up being 25 feet away from him. She's just dancing. Nice. And that'll be your turn, yes? Yes.

I have to move one more space, but yes. Okay. And then up next is going to be the statue. He is going to walk up to Gus. Oh boy. You leave him alone. And he is going to bring a sword down on Gus. The sword of friendship?

A sword of friendship? Assorted snacks. 13 hits. Remember how Gus has like three hit points? Yeah. Yeah. How dare you? I'll give him mouth to mouth. Nine points of damage and Gus goes down.

Oh. He then steps up to Ronnie, who he just saw destroy the other statue. Grumpiness has a body count now. Yeah. Also, I believe he's going to take, really quick, please do some moonbeam damage if he misses this roll a really quick please do some Moonbeam damage if he misses this role. I'm about to do okay, so get ready

There's a con save right 13 is that a no it has to be 16. Yeah. Yeah, he failed so please roll that damage 7 and 7 14 So he's not dead but he was is going to take 14 points of damage. And then I'll roll to 16 to hit you, Ronnie. What is your, your armor class? None of your business. Oh,

fuck me, I guess. Good night folks. Okay. So he does, he does manage to hit you. And he is hitting you with a hammer or bludgeoning damage Please hammer don't kill him

Let's make sure we use all you know, I'm gonna use a patient defense and I'll dodge use a patient defense and I'm going to dodge. I'm going to dodge it. Yep. Sweet. Patient defense is a class feature that gives players defensive bonus action on their turn.

Oh, it's not. You have to declare you're doing it first on your turn. Oh, okay. It's how it functions. It's cool. It dodges when you're doing it first on your turn oh okay it's how the it functions it's cool dogs when i'm doing it never mind all right you you can then dodge when you've started it on your turn so you kick it off if i'm reading these rules right on your turn you say and as my bonus action i'm going into patient defense and then if someone does attack you you can dodge patient defense and then if someone does attack you you can dodge

that make sense yeah 13 points slashing damage or I'm sorry bludgeoning damage if that makes a difference next is gonna be same how many points was it again 13 I was reading some shit sorry okay Next is going to be... Say how many points was it again? Thirteen.

I was reading some shit, sorry. Okay, ca-caw, ca-caw. I again will try to use my intimidating presence to frighten this... Let's kill this fucking dick, okay? Try it. So that is a twelve wisdom.

He rolls a seven but still stares blankly at you as if unmoved by your attempt to intimidate him. Then I will attack him. Oh, I will rage. Oh, here comes a rage. And attack him. And attack him. So, that's a What is it? 17?

That's a hit. Yay! Happy birthday. Oh, and I got a whole four. Take a big chunk. He's not looking good, Kweep. Do you get a second attack? Yeah.

Raging. I don't... I think you get two attacks per action anyway. Yeah, plus I get the bonus. So that's a 24. Ooh. That's a hit. And then...

11 points of damage. How would you like to see the statue die? Oh, I would like to see him just fucking crumble to dust. Well, not only does he crumble to dust, but the dust seems, because it's crumbling like a fucking crumbling, the chunks kind of mate mate with each other and there's a lot more dust than you expect weird so they're breeding more dust what kind of studio ghibli movie i've ever seen

all right so uh the the the dust the dust begins to settle a bit and of course Gus is laying limp on the floor. Can I cast Spare the Dying on him? You can try. I will. Yeah, his little chest starts to move again. Okay. Still unconscious. I'm going to do a mass cure wound so that we can all kind of do a thing.

Give him a banana. 7-7. Get some potassium in that dragon. Everybody gets 27. Nice. Yeah, not fucking around. Ooh. 3d8 plus 8.

Love it. You've all healed a bit and yeah, it's gotten you pretty quiet. Does that revive Gus I mean yeah he's like blinks awake and goes ah geez did I kill him yeah yeah you killed him you turn up in there by the then the dust started fucking... You should have been there. Whoa! I hope someone taped it! So yeah, you guys are now in this very unsettling vibe.

It feels like a lot of things could be security in here. Could be living things, could be inanimate constructs. Lots of... lots of options. Interesting. There is, of course, the stairwell kind of leading up here in the west chamber. And there's a stone door at the top of that short stairwell. I mean, they certainly seem to be guarding that door, right? Yeah. Why don't you guys talk about it real quick while I see what my cat just thought?

Let's go through that door. I think that makes sense. Faberge egg. But that's all we can do until our Dungeon Master returns. Ronnie, what do you think as leader? Keep moving. Stick and move, stick and move. All right. I'm a real renegade.

I follow you. Should we be a real renegade, I follow you. Should we do- Gonna be Ronnie's renegade raiders? Or anything? Oh, is it raiders? I'm sorry, I like to raid instead of renegade. My mistake. Man.

What about Ronnie's rappers? Yes. My name is Ronnie and I'm here to say I love pretty pebbles in a major way. Always what I think about anytime anyone's over commercial from 1980, whenever 90, maybe I'm not the beast. The boys are run DMC.

I'm not Jay Leno. Some guy named Jerry. Anybody? Yeah, Barry Sobel. The greatest rapper of all time. He's the guy. The only rapper I know that dresses like witchy poo. Remember when Greg Barrett had a rap too? No. Did he? Yeah, Greg Barrett. a rap too no what yeah

so did I actually my first year what is it how's it go I can't even remember Hussain is a membrane uh I heard a rap was about to happen and I ran from it to Matt

thank you Dan come rap with us Dan forever well my name is Kelphie and I'm here to say I like Dungeons & Dragons in a major way oh interesting

that's my rap that I always did in my stand-up acts for the entire 80s wow we're gonna go through these doors JK Ronnie's raiders

We're going to check the door for traps? Okay Investigate Investigate the same way I investigated The mess in my living room Please roll an investigation check Whoever is doing it I'll give them guidance as well

Ronnie, what's your investigation again? Yeah, who wants to do it? I rolled 20. Oh, someone rolled 20? No, I don't. I got a natural 20. Plus two with the whatever.

It is a stone door that has no obvious handle on it. It is a dark onyx shining stone. There is a

door frame also made of stone, but more of a granite gray. The door is eight feet tall. I say. And no traps? Open sesame. It's not. is eight feet tall. I say about five feet. And no traps? Open Sasami. It's not.

As far as traps go, it's very difficult to know without touching it, but it does feel like it is a very deliberately shaped and placed door. So this is not like... How do I play this? What is checking for traps? What is the checking for traps role then?

He checks without touching it? Investigation? No, he just rolled that. That's what I'm saying. What does that count for? Well, he can tell me if he touches it, but you know, checking for traps is not an official thing you just do. So he can describe further what he's doing if he likes.

With investigation check, that is a choice whether to touch it it is a role how much you can gather why don't we have lucas touch it well i mean really quick before you force something a sad boy to touch the sad rock queen um are you like kind of feeling door out uh i'd rather not physically touch it. Okay. Can I toss something at it? Absolutely.

Yeah. And I'll include like the 20 investigation as a part of how successful this experiment goes. Pebble at it. Yeah. It kind of bounces off and makes a hollow resonant sound like a bell being rung.

You all hear a boom as the rock kind of pings off of it. It's not the sound you would expect from onyx or stone. Let's see. Give it the old Lucas test? Sure. Mage hand.

Oh, mage hand. Before you kill the NPC, you want to poke it with the mage hand oh yeah before you kill the NPC you want to poke it with the mage hand yeah okay so you place a finger on it and the door goes

and just like collapses inwards on the mage hand obliterating the mage hand there is a granite wall behind the onyx oh it's just a trick or do we think there's something beyond the granite wall it feels like there is a reasonable chance that is the trick based on your passive insight but you could pry the wall if you like. Well, we got other rooms. Yeah. But there's no obvious passageway behind the onyx.

No, I mean, it does feel like the door was just kind of there to slam on someone who tries to touch it. Well, that's fun. Okay. Kind of like, I mean, you can, again, you can look, but this is your, I like to use passive insight as a way of keeping people from fucking around with doors for three hours. I'll take a look at the...

I have lost all interest in this door. I'll take a look at it just on our way out the door. I mean, the passageway. Cool. Give me a quick investigation check. Okay, quickly. My investigation is oh, but do... Like a chill glance. That's a natural 20 plus 5. The chillest

of glances. That fucking King Valak's playing his That's a natural 20 plus five. The chillest of lenses. That fucking King Valak's playing his pranks. There's nothing on the other side as well. You feel pretty confident about it. All right, well, we go back. Let's pick another place. At least we almost died. All right, you've lowered down and now you have north, east, and south that you could go.

Let me know if you want to refresh or run any particular direction. Should we go up the other untorched corridor and just kind of get those taken care of? Sure. Go east? South is the one that had a tiny bit of light. The other ones in the east has the most light. Oh, yeah. Let's check it out we've it creeps already marched into the east um so i'm gonna reveal that a bit for you click in the polygon reveal fog of war tool and roll 20. Are you familiar with the tool, listeners?

I bet some of you is. Oh. So this room has a couple more statues. Fuck. In the corners of it. And there is a golden sarcophagus in the middle of the room and gold offerings and what looks like a gold idol up against a small

alcove to the east the far end of the room let's tie some ropes around those the legs of the statues before we do anything I guess we'll have to see what that's like on the next episode of nerding pokers.

Wow. Good one, Dan. That was fun. That was fun. I'm glad nobody died except Gus, but he got spared. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened? In this episode, we battled two stone dragons. I like this.

Sam's had enough of our bull show over. He could not give less of a shit. He's not going to take that on. And you know what? He's living it today. Yep. The bandwidth is being taken for himself and bless his heart. And he was wearing that shirt the other day too.

I think it's a theme. It's a message is what it is. We get message received. What do we do? that shirt the other day, too. I think it's a theme. It's a message, is what it is. Message received, Samuel. What'd we do? All we did was love him. You encountered some? Where'd we lose him? I know.

I'm going to send him a little toy mouse in the mail and say I'm sorry. Whatever I've done. Look at my Instagram for dates and stuff, y'all. I plug my stuff. You like me? That's where you can find me. How about you, Brian?

I'm there, too. And then I also have a website called brianpersain.com where my tour dates are listed. I have Tacoma coming up, and then I'm at the Tacoma Comedy Club, and then I'm also signing that Saturday in Tacoma. I think one to three. Like Destiny's something.

But at any rate, I would remember that. But see me there and then I got Maryland coming up and I got Pennsylvania coming up. And San Diego, I'll be at the Comic-Con signing at the Heavy Metal booth and at the Image booth.

And then also doing shows at American Comedy Company. See you there. Fart. Blaine. We attribute the success to save mankind. you there. Fart. Blaine. We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof?

Oh, uh, on the next episode of NerdPoker, Dan say relax, don't do it. Chris say when you want to go do it. Dan say relax, don't do it Chris say When you wanna go do it Dan say Relax Don't do it

Brian say When you wanna Leave me out of it All this For winning lottery numbers 8 14 31

35 40 And Power Nerd Ball 46 On the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416.

Thanks for listening.