Nerd Poker - S5E37 Coffin Talk

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

It's time for Ronnie's Raiders to do what they do best: upset the final resting grounds of some ancient evil! Also, to those who have asked, the group is still settling on the final spelling and also goes by Ronnie's Raiderz.  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker.

Right now, you are. Everybody's here. It's going to be a good one. 37? Odds? Yes. Episode 37, we did it chris is here hey pal hey man 37 there is no higher number this is the last episode i just watched mr show the the highest number yay i'm showing roads all those sketches, except for a couple. But Sarah's here.

Hello. Hi, hello. How are you? Doing well. And yourself? Not so good. I got a couple of things bugging me. No, Blaine's here.

No, what? Sure. This is a place for sharing. This is our weekly coffee clash. I'm not bugging you, am I, Brian? No. Hey, here. No, what? Share more. This is a place for sharing. This is our weekly coffee clutch. I'm not bugging you, am I, Brian? No. Hey, pal. How are you?

I'm good, thanks. We did it. We sure did. Let's take a look at that clip. Ken's here. What's your beef, Brian? Look at this clip. Ah!

Yeah, so good. And hello, Dan. How are you? I'm good. thanks for letting me crash in that tent in your backyard i really appreciate it going through my fifth divorce things have been kind of weird i hope i'm no bother i hardly ever hear you back there it's it's been fine uh my roof got jammed. Let's talk about which sketches Rhodes isn't allowed to watch. The hot tub one, I'm guessing Wicked Sufferer. Oh, yeah, that's the one. He seen you in a diaper? Yeah, he loved, he saw me in a diaper years ago.

He saw that sketch is pretty wholesome. Yeah, so. Did you explain your raw red knees from blowing people. Oh, no. He hasn't seen that one. No, no. Rodrigo. He accidentally saw the law school one that.

Oh, yeah. Our whole society is built on a series of blowjobs. And he just went over his head. I had his build on a series of blowjobs and it went over his head. Because it was right before Titanica. So he's seen Titanica. That was one of the first ones too. But now he likes all of them.

He likes Change for a Dollar and one of the first ones we did. But it's fun. He was just showing his friend Pit Pat and they were both dying. That was cool. Is this your better call Saul sketch?

No. He knows all about it. That's the thing. I haven't let him see that. He knows who Bob is. Sam's here, buddy. How are you? Hello, sweet children.

What's going on? Nothing. Did you take the dog out for a walk or a poop? I did. I did. He's been out. He's right there. Just to poop over the walk.

The Muppet head. No, he's fully walked and pooped. Nice. Yeah. He's empty. Yeah. Dogs on Nice. Yeah. He's empty. Yeah. Dogs on E. Yep.

Mine are still asleep on the other side of the house. I got to get him up. Fuck him. Let him sleep. It's summertime, right? Somewhere. Yeah. Isn't that how it works?

Dan, we should thank some peoples. We should thank some peoples. They're going to be some Patreon supporters. Thank you, guys. I always try to pull back and be like, yo, sincerity is happening at you. But yes, really appreciate everybody who can support the show and keep it alive. And you have usernames like Iron Brush Painting on Etsy for your miniature needs. That's all one word, iron

brush painting. People who get really good at that mini painting, man, that's such an amazing skill. For sure. I'm looking forward to us playing in person and me busting that shit out again, but hopefully

it'll happen soon. My skill with that has not progressed at all. It still looks like it's my first time, no matter how many times. I don't know if I've seen you do it yet. I don't know if you've painted your... They're never great. I'm sure that they're fine.

It's very hard to do. I feel like you can do a pretty serviceable job and feel weird about it because of just how hard it is. But yes. Also, thank you. Rock arm rabbit. Thank you.

All the little people. Thank you. Vorta spin. Thank you. Voodoo beef. Thank you. Pedantic with a, with an a there's a,

they spelled pedantic P a D. I don't know why they did that. Thank you. Yeah. You get it. Thank you. Pennsylvania. That might be what it is.

Thank you, Wieners McGee. Thank you, Esquire. I'm sorry, I threw an extra thank you in there. Thank you, Wieners McGee, Esquire, and Asshole Associates LLC. What a fun one to read

while the guy's fixing the heater 10 feet away from me. Thank you, Orcish Torso. Dan said that one time to describe why bode couldn't fit down that crevice to rob a safe that's how orcish torso opened for jackie cation bonus episode thank you aiden the s is silent jervais thank you tortilla the hun or tortilla thank you guys guys guys maybe sarah's toilet rat was mouse man terry all along oh have we considered this chris i just noticed your beard is gone that's true work i'm more uh interested in this mouse man terry crawling around sarah's toilet

theory so yes sam are you hearing this talk a little talk ttt uh yeah well thank you half-lit moon of the newport moons thank you what what in the butt thank you jonathan meyer thank you the curious uh cloisonne curious curio shop supporting the lich king education fund uh you're welcome for pronouncing cloisonne correctly thank you sir richard's infected hand thank you jeremy rossman thank you pretty sure all y'all would have killed that kid you're torturing blaine about thank you i would have talked him to death let's be real he was stealing things from a pocket i'm still giggling at what what in the butt so is the heating guy uh thank you

sam gibson thank you i will raise you two toilet frogs. Thank you, Dr. Dan DDS, Sarah's finger dentist, now in the dental district, dildo district adjacent. Yuck. I don't care for any of that. I don't know what that means. Thank you,

Halium. Thank you, Corpus Callisum. Thank you, the fake Vince. Thank you, Amarthamon's Mighty Morphin Month of May. Almost here, Corpus Callisum. Thank you, TheFakeVince. Thank you, Amarthamon'sMightyMorphinMonthOfMay. Almost here, folks. Right around the corner. Thank you, TobleroneJones. And finally, thank you, BlaineBlahBlahWhoBlaine

WillBlaineWhoAreBlaine AreAreThoughBlaine PatreonsBlaineThosePatreons BroughtToUsBy. I'm not sure what just happened, but Blaine, whoreons, Blaine, those Patreons brought to us by. I'm not sure what just happened, but Blaine, who were those Patreons? We all had strokes. It sounded like Blaine's robot voice

a little bit. Oh. I don't know if that was on purpose. I don't do a great... Blaine, I'm going to paste what that username is in our chat. If you could try to read that dramatically Blaine, I'm going to paste what that user name is in our chat. If you could try to read that dramatically for us, I think you might know better what it's supposed to sound like.

I'd love to read it after I tell us who those ByteDrawn supporters are brought to us by. The skill saw a foreign one. A crescent wrench. An eclair. A dog. A Diet Coke. Everything you need to adjust your dog and eat. The Skilsaw for one.

Only from the Braintrust at Skilsaw. Let me see. Blah, blah, blah. Who, blah, who, blah, blah. Who, blah, blah, blah. No, blah, blah, blah. No, blah, blah, blah. That's my name.

Okay, let me try to read it. I got no blame. Please. Three. I made a little Patriot. Blah, blah, blah. Okay. Let me try to read it. Good job. Thank you. Thank you for the, for the extra mile. Here's me giving myself a treat. Slow posting.

Clap. Sarah, your hair looks feathered today. Like, like how it's going. It's just how it's going. It's just how it's happening. There's only so much I can do with it, Dan.

You're the only person I know who would be insulted by being compared to Farrah Fawcett. That's a real Sarah move. It's true. These bang things are doing like a 70s thing and it's just what's happening. So, you know, I just got to lean into it, I guess. Do you find my beard reminiscent of fair faucet ryan i find your beard reminiscent of jack black's beard in

the most recent episode of the mandalorian that's a good bug you and fuck him and fuck the mandalorian oh i didn't mean that look you were curling the ends of it that's what it was you were doing you got fanciful on me that's what it was i mean look we should all wish we were married to lizzo and now it is time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker first of all you'll hear some clanging and drilling noises in the background as my heating system gets fixed. That was not something that happened last time on Nerd Poker. That is merely the present.

Last time, what happened was y'all walked into this thing and then some stuff happened. Specifically, you took an elevator down deeper into the Lich's lair and entered a series of chambers. The first one you explored involved some draconian statues which attacked you and kind of fucked Gus up real bad. And you just kind of finished that. There's a lot more to explore down here. We're now going to take you to Ronnie's Renegades, already in progress. Or is it Ronnie's Raiders? I don't remember.

I think it was Raiders. Raiders? Yeah. Were you an Oakland Raiders guy, Brian? I was in the 70s. The best. Kenny the Snake Stabler. Back when I liked the six million dollar man I also enjoyed the Oakland Raiders

nice I always thought they had one of the cooler helmets I mostly judged NFL teams by whether or not they were based on a cool animal but the Raiders had a weird ass dude I thought was awesome they still kind of have the best look. It hasn't really changed. It's still that silver and black.

And just like the Steelers, I liked the Steelers as a kid too. But just, you know, because those were the teams that were playing the Super Bowls always. My family is more of a Niners family from the Bay. But as a kid, I found them awesome. Also, my friend Steve just gave me a $6 million man radio adventures on vinyl. So, Oh,

nice. That's, that's a good time. I have an old man in the garage. The actual guy. Yeah. I was going to say, I have a,

I have a $6 million man viewmaster reel around here somewhere. Nice. It's pretty crazy. Clutch. I was in the Bionics Action Club, you know. Wow. Fourth grade. That was kind of the first role playing I did was at school

where I'd have to be a Bigfoot and fight some, whichever kid was $6 million man. Stack up a bunch of cardboard boxes and you're ready to go. Yeah. We played it on this hill and people would just get pushed down the hill. That was basically what would happen. I was a little short, chubby kid. and my friend Matt had a glandular disorder and was extremely tall, like almost six feet tall. Like when we were tiny kids and we would pretend we were Jabba the Hutt and I was salacious crumb and I would just crawl up his back and stuff. It was a good time. I would pretend I was a gold bikini.

Keep in mind, we were kindergartners in 1983 when Return of the Jedi came out. Yeah. So the one thing I did leave out now that I'm looking at the map is you guys just sort of revealed a chamber with a golden sarcophagus to the east. This is a map. Again, if you guys I know Chris does this. If you guys ever want to take a screen grab and send it uh to the group or some such thing it really helps because from my point of view everything is already revealed and i'm slowly revealing it for y'all so you'll be more on pace with the listeners when it comes to screen grabs um and yeah this is like my favorite part of

dungeons and dragons when you guys are in a map with tension and no one's immediately attacking you but shit could break bad at any second are you saying shit's gonna break bad this this episode Dan I don't know well I looked at a statue last time and I'll help

I think you did something to it right I believe that I said I investigated and you took that to me and i touched it and then i just gently i want to say i like asked you like how you investigated it and i tried to appropriately react i'm not blaming you i'm just saying i feel like in my mind investigation was was we it was fun we had a good time. We destroyed those statues. I think we need to go to group therapy about this, Sarah. I don't know. I just don't know. I'm trying to find out

what the math is. I'm not involved. No, Cam, you're coming. We're going to throuples therapy. No one in a throuple needs therapy, Blake. We're two throuples worth right i was just telling thruples where i was getting here you wanted to see me boss

it's great when i was a teenager i went to therapy with my mom we would do family therapy but it was just the two of us and our therapist. And I was telling my wife this. We fought on the way home from therapy one day because I don't remember what had come out, but something had come out in therapy, and we crashed. Oh, my God. My mom was so upset that she crashed the car. That repressed memory just came out.

We were fighting over some fucking dumb high school shit. I was a rebel. I was a fucking asshole. I was hard to live with. And she was screaming at me in traffic after therapy. And we hit a thing in the middle. And it fucking ruptured our tire and sent us flying into somebody's yard.

Oh my God. Wow. Yeah. Finally, enough time has passed where you can say that publicly and not worry about the guy whose yard you bolted out of. No, they brought,

they want to be really cool. They called triple a for us and got our car fixed and it's Sonoma. So like people are nice. Right. Oh, it is nice. AAA for us and got our car fixed. It's Sonoma, so people are nice. It is nice. Yeah. Anyways, just a thing I hadn't thought of in fucking 30 years.

Just let me bring some weird therapy visions back into your life, Brian. Brian, how do you feel about that memory? Makes me laugh. Wasn't fun at the time. It was pretty stressful. Let's do some

comedy. They're doing comedy. Should we go investigate that chamber? Yeah. As the leader, I say yes Oh boy Of Ronnie's Raiders Me and my Raiders let's go check it out

You really turned a corner here You shut the fuck up Oh sorry, sorry leader Don't make me drive this show into a median One sec I'm going gonna be right back please keep being in front of each other bring the guy back yeah that's what it was a median he can play the sarcophagus guy sir you can touch the sarcophagus now because dan's gone i touched the sarcophagus we all touched the sarcophagus i lay down next to it and like imitate it and i was like someone

take a picture take a picture i put my tongue on whatever's in it i heard all of that and it's all happening ah there is i just drank too much benadryl it's making me say stuff that i'm not actually doing there is a sarcophagus yes can you um remind me what you ended up this? This I need constant reminders of because you're treating him both with compassion and passive aggression. Where's Lucas? Did you guys ditch him back there or is he with you? No, I think we brought him with us. And I think he's strapped to my back. Unconscious.

Yeah, I believe you were originally you were like, no, he's fine. He's just one floor up. So I think they maybe he got him back on the friar's back yeah at one point you did set him down and go into another room but i think you did take him back up no no i think you picked him back up i'm just saying that that's where i think the confusion happened but i think you're correct the idea was you guys were going to use him to communicate with or find the body, the animated body of the king. Yeah, he's like our Geiger counter. Hey, I wonder if he's in the sarcophagus.

Smack Lucas awake. You can. I mean, you can smack Lucas awake. Do you? OK, you give him a little. Yeah. OK, he rousesouses he's very weak and he's he's like got three hit points max and he's down one so he's kind of just like yes where's that uh

where's that thing that you did the king that you've been talking to oh you you may remember but he his his brain sort of projected itself into a body somewhere near does it feel close to you it does it does can you can we do a hot yes i believe it we do a hot cold thing while while uh for our jolly walks around warmer Warmer, warmer, colder, colder. Things do feel warm. Maybe it's probably that hot back. Maybe we should press Lucas up against the sarcophagus. Yeah, start walking towards it and ask him

if it feels like it's getting closer. Yeah. What do you think, Ken? Something's happening. I don't know what. Stirring feelings. Ew, I didn't like the sound of that at all. Can you stop telling us what you think?

Okay. Can we just be explicit about how close? I think it's very close. It could be in this room or nearby. Yes, yes, yes. I will specifically walk towards the sarcophagus. He does react with the aforementioned enthusiasm,

but with less grossness. All right. He is in that sarcophagus. That was just a Let's blow up the sarcophagus. Blow it up. Oh, yeah. Leave them in there forever. I have a bunch of C4. Yeah.

Who brought the detonators? Sarcophagus is about 10 feet long, 5 feet wide, made of what looks like heavy stone with gold sort of painted onto it. It's done rather artfully. It looks like it has

been cleaned recently. Much of these chambers does It looks like it has been cleaned recently. Much of these chambers does not look like it has been cleaned recently. This one does. He's probably doing it like a Zoom meeting. Dan, are there any kind of like clues or indicators of whose tomb specifically this is?

Now, there is what looks like an ancient form of Elvish written on the side. Do any of you speak Elvish? Who's the hero to most? I do. Ronnie. Ronnie might. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You're a half elf. Yeah. This is a pretty old form of it. It is like it is not without your knowledge that you can make it out, but you can tell just the age

of it as you read it. It does say that this is the body of King Eldrin III. Oh. Hey, guys, it's the body of King Eldrin III. We were just talking about him in the elevator. Yeah. Can I get an insight check from everybody?

Insight check. 13 plus 8. 21. Jeez. You guys are real high all the time, except when you're in an important fight. That's 13. That light works. 12. 15. 22. all the time except when you're an important fight. That's 13 million.

That life works. 12, 15. 22. Oh, 22. Acacia, how do they do? So, yeah, this is something that you understand pretty well. Winifred and Dr uid especially winifred winifred you're you're just knocking all these out of the park um with your just storied knowledge of what

happened to dr uid whereas dr uid he has hypertension and he he loses some of his short-term memory um but this is my wife hi so it's me damn you you figure this is probably cleaned off for any number of reasons which could be bad because the the big bad guy king valyx hates eldren so much it's not necessarily a good thing that this sarcophagus has been actively touched recently or moved around. It could have been for bad reasons. It's also likely the sarcophagus, you can kind of tell by looking at it, has been opened semi-recently. So while the lid looks extremely heavy, like it'll take, you know, maybe all of you to lift it. It does look like someone or some ones have done that within the last, you know,

few weeks or so. So it, it, it looks like it's been actively messed with. And also you feel like there is a vibe that this isn't just simply like a mummified body. This is maybe something that dark evil things have been done to. Well, are we thinking that the brain is in the body?

Or it feels like beyond even that? Let's see. Those of you who are magic users, which is Dr. Uid, Friar Jolly, and Winifred, y'all can do an Arcana check, and I'm going to do an Arcana check also for Fizzport. Six. Fifteen.

Fifteen. Sixteen. Okay. 15 16 okay Friar Jolly's 15 and Winifred's 16 both hit this sorry what was the question I just had a COVID brain

fog moment just if like the does it feel like the magic or the badness could be related to the brain going into this body or does it feel like something beyond that right okay so thank you uh i think what you would infer would be because the brain looked really weird and the way it was floating it looked like it wasn't like a don't brain shame okay the brain had the brain had been magically altered in some way that not only made it float but look like it was in some sort of supernatural form and it also looked like a physical brain i think you would assume that yes because the brain was missing when you went to look at the glass terrarium it was floating in that it did physically get placed in something and

supernaturally rewired into something it sort of teleported into a body but that uh a lot of complex magic went into the whole experience and that this was a sort of brain looking for a body right and yeah like it's probably whatever body it's in seems likely it's in a body in this very sarcophagus it is sort of magically inside something's head okay so what do we want to do I mean we could set it on fire the whole sarcophagus it's metal though right yeah smell that fucker

mostly yeah you could let's see you all got some pretty great insight checks too like I think you would be like okay we could just cave this in well do we want to leave it where it is for now and go look at the other rooms or do we want to you want to set up some kind of traps around it or something or

i think we should just try to reveal we should just try to open it or reveal what's inside presumably a ledge or monster or whatever unless the the thing has already, it's empty and the thing has already escaped. But Lucas seems to think that it's close or in there. Yeah, I think it's in there. Can we, do we have any power to open it without touching it? I was just looking. I don't have. You, yeah, look at yourself.

Hey, can I throw up a detect magic and just sort of sweep the room and the sarcophagus and everything around it? Yeah. See if there's other sort of things happening in here. Good idea. What a trip that would be. You detect. I can really detect magic. Wow.

You detect a heavy pulsating necromancy aura around the sarcophagus. Sure. There is also magic lining the transmutation magic lining all of the walls. The two statues here of Dragonborn are not radiating an aura, but there is also a golden statue in uh the corner that is radiating magic oh so there's so there's stuff trans shaped on the wall that'll jump out and attack us um that's definitely not what i'm saying but it's certainly a possibility i'm going to go ahead and give you a little uh i'm going to draw a little circle around the, the idol just to be specific. Cause it is sharing a room with statues. So that's what's got the aura in addition to the walls and the sarcophagus.

Oh, um, maybe some of the statue. I could, um, I can cast shatter at any of these metal things and it will, it does, it does a lot more damage on metal.

Um, and it might like knock the lid off i'm about to sneeze you actually want to catch something uh we all blessed you you added d4 to whatever checker um so that's one option for trying to open it if we wanted without touching it. I also have dispel magic. Those are the only things I think I have that could help us here. Should we maybe follow Dr. Wood's test?

Can I maybe walk Lucas around the sarcophagus towards the gold statue and see into trying to determine where, you know, which thing is bumping his needle the sarcophagus versus the gold statue behind it bumping his needle why is that so funny uh it sounds dirty yeah just tell me exactly how you're doing it well i would maneuver around the sarcophagus so i would try and like get to like let's say first here and then sort of like here without touching anything. And, you know, you know, rotate my back.

So first he's closer to the sarcophagus and then he's closer to the statue on my right. And say to him, like, which one of these things do you think is the old brain? Which one of these things do you think is the old brain? Okay. So what I'm going to have you do is roll an insight check for Lucas, because that's more fun than having me do it, since this is your action. Just take a minus one off of whatever you got. So just roll a d20. Because he's kind of a ding-dong, yeah.

Okay. Well, Lucas got a four. So with that minus one, it's a three three so he's just kind of swooning and says something is definitely in this room oh i just i'm so full of feelings oh well so he seems yeah like very full of civic pride. Hard to tell. Leader? Sarcophagus? Statue? Yeah, let's, but let's check for traps first.

I mean, let's be, you know, stealthy and tentative or careful about it. Now, because it's a large, yeah, large sarcophagus and you guys have been exceedingly careful i will say that it is something two of you could investigate but that'll just give one person the lead investigator advantage so if Leader, take the lead. I'll give you guidance. Who has high investigation? I only have a plus one. I have a plus five.

Oh, would you mind taking the lead and I'll back you up? Anything for our leader. Awesome. Win a friend in a lead role. Interesting. Luckily, I do have some practice at this. I think you heard me. Alright, so I investigate

with advantage. I rolled a 19. How is this working? It was supposed to be one of you. Oh, okay. He rolled a 19. Oh, wait. How is this working? It was supposed to be one of you. Oh, okay. Then he rolled a 19. Keep it. He keeps it.

Did you do both rolls, Brian? What? You have to roll again, too. You have to roll twice to take the big number. See if you can beat that 19. I mean, 19's great. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate it.

I'll take the 19. You can add a d4 to that with that guidance if you want oh yeah roll a d4 and uh you'll at least get a 20 which is very positive yeah there we oh i got a four nice nice so 23 um so winifred is assisting you ronnie leads donatello does machines and you kind of get the impression there's a weird very very quiet concussive irregular noise coming from inside it's impossible to really tell what kind of noise it is because the stone of the sarcophagus is so thick it's muting whatever the sound is it could be any weird breathing or heartbeat or something. It's, it seems,

I would say this is too thick stone for something like breathing or a heartbeat to make any noise through the stone. So if you're hearing a small concussive thing, it's definitely a little bit more aggressive than like a heartbeat or breathing. Oh, is it stone or metal? I thought it was golden.

It is still with like stone with like gold um uh i don't agree it's yes thank you okay well i offer to shatter it stands yeah i think we're gonna have to fight with zebras in this yeah and so and and and you've rolled so high i want to throw in one more thing for you. Because Dr. U had got a necromancy aura off of it, I would say you are going to look at specific parts of the sarcophagus and have Dr. U just sort of passively tell you where the aura is strongest. It's definitely something large inside the sarcophagus that's giving off the aura, and it is sort of pulsing out of the stone

interesting and so yes as you were with the conversations of shatter open and such at this point Fizbord is sort of out of his depth and just letting all of you guys take care of it Bunk has got his weapons out

Gus is sort of peeking letting all of you guys take care of it. Bunk has got his weapons out. Gus is sort of peeking around and hiding behind things. Okay. What do you think we should do, guys? Let's open the sarcophagus. Okay, well, how do we open it? Queep is mighty. It's our tongue. I think if you touch it, I think if

anyone touches it, it's going to hurt them, is my guess. Well, that's what I was thinking, too. Let me shatter it. Okay. Let me start by shattering it, and then let's see what happens. I like that idea very much. All right. I'll move back. Everybody step back. Yes. Okay.

All right. So cast shatter at fourth level oh geez okay um so 10 foot radius sphere um any creature

has to make a constitution saving throw and then they'll take damage and if they're made of an organic material or the stuff around it i

guess is they have disadvantage all right well non-magical yeah okay are you gonna try to make this happen like inside the sarcophagus?

Yes. I'm going to center it inside. Yeah. Got a, got a real reaction. Maybe break the sarcophagus open and then we just have to be ready. Yeah. Awesome.

I think that sounds violent and, and, and interesting. Cool. So I'm going to make a secret constitution roll. I'll just be honest that I'm making

one. Just give me one roll, roll, roll on my phone. 17 is the... Got it. Okay. I'm also...

Yeah, roll your damage because the damage isn't just going to affect something that may or may not be inside the sarcophagus. Clearly something is inside the sarcophagus. But I give hit points to something when you're attacking it, even if it's an inanimate object. So let's see what it does to the sarcophagus. 31 points of damage. jesus okay so and half as much if they pass their constitution

save but they still take damage got it sarcophagus um the sam edit that out you guys have all kind of moved down the staircase a little bit to make sure that you don't get hit with stone shrapnel you're pretty aware this is going to be a big mess and sure enough bits of stone with gold inlay fly everywhere and smash into the, into the little offerings by the idol. You know, it just makes a gigantic explosion. What's left is a sarcophagus with jagged edges of each side. The lid is just obliterated.

You can't quite see inside the sarcophagus without stepping closer, but as of right now, nothing is rising out of it. No Nicolas Cage. Hmm. out, stepping closer, but as of right now, nothing is rising out of it. No Nicolas Cage. Hmm. Okay, Sam, edit Sarkatophagus back in here. Now. And then as we

approach. Wait, Sarkatophagus? Are you doing an Edwin voice? Sarkatophagus! Blaine just said it and then asked him to cut it. Then I said, so I put it back in here and then we'll just reference it later and have him cut it in repeatedly throughout the episode. I'll do a couple of wild lines.

Sarcophagus. Sarcophagus. Sarcophagus. How high is this feeling in here? It is not something I wrote down. I'm just vibing it, looking at the map. I would say pretty high.

30 feet. Popcorn ceilings. Can he fly? Or is that we're gonna fly up? Yeah, I'm gonna fly up to take a look. The mighty creep spreads his wings. Cock-a-doodle-doo! Oh, yeah. Speaking of which, I am wearing my kookaloo shirt right now underneath my hoodie um so you fly up can i get a perception check

as the dust settles you will see something for sure but this is for finer detail sir 8 an 8 wow with a 5 bonus so you rolled a 3 or you rolled a 13 yeah I rolled a 3 plus 5 prices right failure music

so you fly over the sarcophagus and the dust is settling there is something like that Jurassic Park weird pipe music starts playing. What? You guys know what I'm talking about. Remember that video where it's like the terrible person playing that... Oh god, I love that.

You know what I'm talking about. Guys, come on. Classic meme. I wasn't sure how it... Yeah. Him majestically spreading his wings and then the horrible atonal... That's one of my favorite videos on YouTube. Yeah, shitty clue., he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, I will they have a lot of edits for you this episode listen Sam shark-id-ophagus I am going to wire Sam $10,000

so he will do this one you see that there's something rising in it it is humanoid in form but it looks almost like it's stuck good and there's too much dust flying around for you to get a good view of it but it does look like it is a corpse of some kind but it's stuck. And there's too much dust flying around for you to get a good view of it, but it does

look like it is a corpse of some kind. But it's moving. It's moving, and yes, it is writhing in place. Hmm. Mr. Mojo Writhing. No, sir, I don't like it.

Kill it. Stop it. Stick a fork in it. Kill it. Stab it. Stick a fork in it. Twist it. Bop it. Pull it. I am going to shoot a crossbow bolt at it. Great. Roll to attack. Alrighty.

Writhing in place is really gross. Ugh. What a gross dungeon master. Writhing in DF is really gross. Ugh. What a gross dungeon master. Writhing in DF Jags is even worse. 15, you say? Yes. That's a hit. Roll your damage.

Alrighty. Five. Five. Five dinks. All right. The bolt goes into something, and you all see black ichor spray out of the sarcophagus. Sprays out of it?

The amount of spurts lower, but it's almost as if something with a pulse is spraying this out. You hear sort of a screeching noise coming from the body in the sarcophagus. The screeching of a king? Everybody do an insight check, please. Royal screech. This is the screeching of Justin Diamond. What did you say, insight?

Yeah, boss. Jesus. 11. 18. Ronnie. 19. 8. Ronnie. 19. Ronnie with a 20 fucking 3. Natural. Nice. Well, I love your naturals, Brian.

So you pick up that there's something weird about this, Ronnie. Almost as if what's in the sarcophagus is trapped. Oh. like weird about this ronnie almost as if what's in the sarcophagus is trapped oh um and it seems almost because the lid got blown off so completely like out and away from the rest of sarcophagus it doesn't seem like it is winifred's shatter spell that trapped it it seems like it has been stuck before you even got here um and and uh as the the spurting

dies down the dust settles uh queep are you still going to be flying above or um i was not rolling anyway but yeah you you're you're inside of eight doesn't tell you a whole lot from your angle, but you can tell as the dust settles that this is, it's like a desiccated corpse, but its flesh seems to be changing its shape and texture in waves of what could only be magic. And it is, it's not just writhing, it's like thrashing around. Your bolt hit it right in the torso. And it's like pinned somehow. Like when Deckard shot Pris. Also, the body has no head.

Oops. Oh. It's in the statue. Or maybe the Lich King is punishing his enemy by trapping him in this. That's why I don't know. Who knows? What was your insight when it fronted

18? Something like that. 16. I don't know. How dare you? I'm trying to help you. 23. It was 18. Sure, Brian, you are piecing a lot together here. I'm just distracted by Sarah's intuition.

So I will get to you, sir. But yeah, Winifred, you feel pretty confident about that assumption, actually. Oh. Yeah, Winifred, you feel pretty confident about that assumption, actually. Oh. And Ronnie, you do think that this thing is not going to get out of the sarcophagus on its own volition. You think it is there until something frees it. This is some sort of magical curse.

No, it's trapped. Okay. Chris, can you message it and find out, is this where the brain is? Or did the lich I can cast sending because the lich did say it was the great Eldrin was the greatest right

I can send a short message of 25 words or less to a creature with which I am familiar. So we spent enough time that the brain would count, right? Yeah, I do think so. All right. There doesn't seem to be a range on it. So I will.

Sure. I'll cast sending to specifically the brain. Okay. And I will. What's his name? Eldrin. Eldrin the brain. Okay. And I will, what's his name? Eldrin. Eldrin the third. I will say,

Eldrin, we're searching for you. Can you see us? Are you the body inside the sarcophagus? All right. Now, Chris, I'm going to let you choose for this response things are gonna be

real weird would you like to make an arcana check or an insight check um i would think i will do i'll do insight my bonus is way better okay go ahead and do that yes please Yes, please. Okay. Oh, Dan, I rolled a natural 20. Holy shit. And my bonus is a nine. So I got a 29. Jesus Christ. Wow. All right.

I'm going to give you the full dish, Friar Jolly. The response you get is in broken, common, and elvish. I speak elvish. And, well, and well the syllables are like not fully formed and out of order it takes you a while it's almost just like you're getting um waves of of feelings rather than words okay and you do sort of uh realize after listening to it very, very carefully, the brain, something has happened to the brain. And by just sort of sizing up the situation, you think the brain has sort of been transferred into the entire nervous system of this body that is missing a head. Oh. Oh.

And so he is sentiently feeling some sort of corpse curse, but he is no longer able to form sentient thought in the same way. And so he is sort of trapped in the central nervous system of this corpse. I will share that with the group. The feeling that you're getting specifically from him is help get me out. But he is not forming those words in order. He is, he is given off, uh,

fractured vibes. Well, really Sark's cough, I guess. And yeah, you, you know, prior jolly again,

fucking 29. Like it seems as if this was already some sort of curse that was put on the body by King Valix, and he sort of walked his way right into it and fucked himself. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, hell. Wish there was a way we can put the lid back

on this sarcophagus. Let's keep moving. Fucked him. How can we, if we just dispel magic, do we feel like we could free, I mean, if we want to, we'd need a curse or something, right? Or dispel something like that? Yeah, curses work a little differently,

and with a 29, it's a curse. You know it's a curse. It's not just a simple spell. Okay. Can we put it out of its misery? Do we know of any way to do that? You know, I can get rid of curses. Oh.

Yep, this would be a remove curse. You would, I think also with a 29, know that you might want to try to use this at the best level possible. Well, it's my top level spell. It's Greater Restoration. It's a fifth level spell, I believe. Yep, it's a fifth. And it's one of the qualities of greater restoration is

i can get rid of one curse including the target's attunement to a cursed magic item cool wow awesome but here's the thing guys yeah do we want to well i think the the the super bad guy put a curse on the slightly less bad guy is that what we think is happening on his body yeah dan yes so like the enemy of my enemy kind of situation suggests that maybe you know maybe we don't need to be that friendly with this blackened corpse thing but give it a chance to get some revenge. Or just like, even just like free it from the bonds of infinite suffering. I don't know. That just

feels like a general good thing to do, but... If you want to close the top back up and get him to the bonds of infinite suffering. Alright, well,

if everyone's good, I will cast Greater Restoration upon the writhing monster. Well, I don't want to even restore him. I just feel like is there a way to like... Yeah, I'm not that into that either. Yeah, I feel like the goal should be to let the spirit

free. I'm done talking because I feel like the goal should be to like let the spirit free. It's dead Levine. I'm done talking because I feel like I just feel like we're not trying to like bring it back to life. Chris, can you can you ask it if it will if it will help us fight what did it to us? I can, but I think, Dan, you tell me if I'm wrong. Based off the last thing, it sounds like communication in this form is not great. It seems like communication is just sort of like, help me get me out of here. Help me get me out of here.

I would say you are pretty close to the mark. However, you do think you could interact with it and perhaps elicit an opinion or response in a very vague sort of way. Alright, if folks are into that, I can do sending one more time. Yeah? Yeah. Alright. Almighty Headless King, if we free you,

will you help us against your enemy? Let's roll a persuasion check. And ask it what it thinks of the new Mario. Great. Persuasion. I'm going to give myself guidance because my bonus is not good.

The new Mario's got a lot of references, but not a lot of heart. Let's see. Well, I rolled a seven, but with two guidance, that's a nine. Dan. Yeah. As you were concerned, might happen just sort of sharp echoes of the same sentiment with a little bit of confusion mixed in. Hmm. Leader, shall I? Can we just kill it?

Yeah, I guess I'm just trying to like, so that there's not a trapped monster. You know what I mean? Like we could just kill it, like put it out of its misery somehow is what basically the goal is. Based on the crossbow bolt that Queep shot into it, you do think it is killable.

Oh, okay. So maybe we just do that. Everybody just go wail on this thing? So I'll go put our tongues on it. So this poor guy is like, they found me. They're going to save me. They're stabbing me.

Just be like, yeah. Just be like, close your eyes. And then we just go to town. Close your eyes and I'll kill you. All right. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Dan's created some fucked up, terrifying, trapped, writhing in place, morally gray monster. Classic Dan. I don't feel comfortable leading the charge, but. Yeah, who wants to lead the charge into wailing on the corpse? I'll hit him. Alright.

Remind me, you have a mace? I do have a mace. Okay. Roll to attack. Did I hit him with some amazing grace? Sam, leave that in. Nice. Only a 12, Dan. Alright, well, we'll have to find. Only a 12, Dan. All right. Well, we'll have to find out what that 12 actually did on the next episode of Nerd Poker.

I don't feel like this. I'm just going to slap him to death. I just feel like. Slap him. I'm scared. Hi, guys. How is my audio? Okay.

Oh, no. Is it weird? Terrifying. It's weird, right? Wow. Nice to... Oh my God, that's the opposite of what happened when it was weird last... Now you're all deep and like you...

We're going to Tom Jones it up for us. I don't like it. Well, and this... What happened to the episode? This episode, we found a sarcophagus. Did we? What happened in the episode? This episode, we found a sarcophagus. Sam, any more detail you could get into for my personal delight, I would appreciate. Well, there's something inside of it. It doesn't have a head.

We shot a crossbow into it. Tell us what Theranos can do with one drop of blood. We shot a crossbow into it. Tell us what Theranos can do with one drop of blood. Sorry, you rascal. Oh, man. Dan? Yes.

Is Sam done? I think Sam was being tortured into further description, and I appreciate that. Um, yeah, I'll, uh, I'll be doing standup around places. My Instagram is the only social media I have any interest in.

So please check that out. I will be posting updates when I can. Got it. I've got, um, Oh, I'm doing a Blaine. What's Jimmy Pardo show.

I'm doing that in may at the lyric Hyperion. It's over there now that. Oh, it's a pop culture, the game show. I did it last night. It was a delight. Yes. Fun. Yes. I'm going to do that in May. So keep an eye out for that, Los Angeles. Right on. I've got tour dates for Amplestating.com. Just a few this summer. Hopefully some other gigs

popping up this summer. But I've gigs popping up this summer, but I've got San Diego, Tacoma, Baltimore, and then Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, but all in the next month or two. Well, except for San Diego's in July. But that's me back

at the American Comedy Company while I'm also going to be appearing at Comic-Con, signing some books and shit. That is it. Well, always you can check out that special I just did, Post-Sanon on Grotta on YouTube. And then my metal show show still going on Gimme Metal that's Grandpa's

Metal Stash every Tuesday at 10am on Gimme Metal the best place to stream heavy metal Blaine what's happening next week we attribute the success to save mankind.

Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. All of that's nerd poker. Everybody dies but one. It's so unbelievable we can't say a word or it would ruin everything. Believe me when I say you'll be happy I didn't spoil it. It's going to be crazy. All this and an interview with Soul Survivor Ken

and how he survived on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. Spin the clock