Nerd Poker - S5E38 Cursed Corpse Crushin'

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

Why not just start opening sarcophogi? What's the worst that can happ- oh right it could be cursed and absorb weapons and try to murder everybody. Enjoy the deliciously dark combat, the debate over whether Winifred has all her fingers, and what kind of toilet rat t-shirt we should start making! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Posehn. You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker.

My friends are here. It's a regular episode. Episode 38, if you're nasty. Look at Chris. What's up, pal? Hey, man. Hey, I just love the quality of our two voices sounding the way they always do. We can thank

a guy for that in a minute. Yep. Dan. Hi, Brian. How are you? I'm good. You look like you're on the toilet. What the fuck are you talking about? The background. You look like you're on the toilet. What? What the fuck are you talking about? The background. You look like you're in a bathroom.

What? You look like you're straddling the toilet. Like you've got the camera. The camera's on the... Like you get on it backwards like a youth pastor. Look at the screen. I don't understand. I really don't

don't ever say backwards like you use your toilet I have the same background I always have on the toilet you always look like your shit the cabinet behind you looks like a little bit of a top of the toilet talking to somebody I still don't understand I welcome the shit talk

why is your microphone in your toilet Sarah how are you fine how are you? Fine, how are you? How's that toilet ratty? Oh my god. Look, Dan looks like he's on a toilet and we're still going to come back in my toilet. Why do I look like I'm on a toilet?

Ken, nowhere near a toilet. Yeah, hey. I am a toilet. Come and Chris is here. I already did, Chris. I mean, Blaine.

Oh, hi, Brian. I just got back from Toy Let's R Us with the backwards R like a youth pastor. Oh, God. Quit saying youth pastor sam how are you hello sweet children does everybody else hear your voice weird i don't hear anything when it's time to change you know it's time to change i look forward to talking to you later.

Does it sound like this on the recording? Or does everyone think we're crazy? Do you know what I mean? I don't know. What we're hearing is it sounds like you have double COVID and are releasing a full album or something. You sound like you just got back from Deep Horizon. Yeah.

I know. Everything's fine. I don't know that guy. I hate that I think it's funny. He's doing it on purpose. He's trolling us, you guys, and you can't even see it. Anti-Helium. That's my favorite comedy club.

Is that an anti-portland yeah uh well dan brian we should thank some people i'm not only going to thank people who i truly genuinely sincerely appreciate but i am going to have my revenge with obviously a series of toilet jokes mixed into the patreon usernames. So thank you, Patreon supporters who go by usernames like Mr. Rat A. Turney, Legal Counsel for Defamation of Sewer Rats, Sewer Rats V. Gazzardo. Thank you, Glenn Headcrash Sugden.

Thank you, Pat Xanathar, Love is a Battle Map, a.k.a. A. Turnham Dave. Oh, thanks, Dave. Thank you, J Xanathar. Love is a battle map, a.k.a. Aeternum Dave. Oh, thanks, Dave. Thank you, Jib Janine. Thank you, Robert Underdunk. Thank you, Brian Stopp. Thank you, Rufus T. Firefly.

Thank you, Bill Ashton. Thank you, Schrodinger's Goiter. I'm trying to figure out... Was that somebody named Brian Stopp, or was somebody telling me to stop? It's Brian with a Y, then stop with two P's. So I do not believe you need to take that one personally. But if you would like, we can conquer a variety of social mistakes. I need. No, thank you for distracting from Schrodinger's goiter, which was giving me active day mares.

which was giving me active day mares. Thank you. That one time Brian and everyone forgot to say hi to Sam, even though he's not only the ears of nerd poker, but also the heart. Wow. Way to remind me. Maybe we deserve that one though,

Brian. After all, we have teased Sam relentlessly for a variety of reasons, several episodes in a row, and I've enjoyed it. Thank you, Eric Payne. Thank you, Flea47. Thank you, A Gorilla.

Thank you, Douglas Calabrese. Thank you, Jeremy Smith. Thank you, I Got Walls and a Roof. Thank you, finally, Brian and Sarah's Just for Dogs Toilet Rat Turd Buffet. Hmm. Nice. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by

O is for spell, J is for checks, Santa Man Toasty spell checks. You need a lewd Brockfuss, that's a palp. Thurb it off with Sparrow Chanks. Spell checks. Part of this balanced breakfast.

Dan? Hi, Blaine. How are you? Good, thanks. I'd like to double down on the thanking. You know, I've mentioned it here before, but it is what keeps this alive. I know a lot of people listen to it for free and we're glad you like it.

But if you really want to help keep us around, buy t-shirts that say things from our merch place, which is a nerd poker, merch.com or what? What's the actual nerd poker pod.com? No nerd poker podmerch.com or what's the actual? Nerdpokerpod.com. No, nerdpokerpod.com, yeah. And then also, if you can help us at Patreon, our numbers have gone down since COVID. But we're chugging along, but we could use your help.

Yeah. Thanks. It's very helpful. Patreon.com slash nerdpoker. I can tell you, you will get it. And you get. Thanks. It's very helpful. Patreon.com slash nerd poker. I can tell you, you will get in. You get bonus stuff. There's so much shit in there.

If you jumped in now, you would have so much free programming. Over a hundred hours of, of extra bonus stuff. We've got some really funny bonus people in there. More coming soon. We do it every month. We have uh bonus

episodes at least two so most yeah usually three uh and they're all super fun it's a separate feed you can put into any podcast app except for spotify because they're evil garbage anyway and uh and you get it first too right don't you get the podcast actually before everybody else or no? Nope. Okay. No. But at any rate, you're helping us. Yes.

And we appreciate that very much. And more Sparrow Janks jokes. I need swim lessons. I need more jokes about toilet rats. So please subscribe to us on Patreon with your own unique take on rats erupting from Sarah Gazzardo's toilet. Let's find something new and fresh. How about that, guys? Aren't most of you professional comedians?

Keep an ear out for someone else's personal tragedy that we can exploit. I'm all into that. I'm never going to try to help anyone again, is what you've done. So, congrats. That's right. That was supposed to be a PSA for us, your friends. We know the true origin.

I wish a plague of toilet rats upon all of you. And I will not cry when that happens. That's gotta be unassured. Plague of toilet rats? Plague of toilet rats upon you. Yes. That's a conversation starter at Ralph's.

They have plenty there. Oh, God. Let's get in. All right. Time to talk about... Wait, did I... Did Blaine do...

Did you do your thing already? My brain is cramped. Oh, no. I jumped... Oh, he... No, I don't think he did. Did you? Did I jump in too fast?

Wait, do another one anyway. Hair. Grow it. Cut it. Style it. Grow it. Cut it. Style it. Wash it. Dry it. Curl it.

Straighten it. Lose it. Pull it out. Shape it into a little heart. Keep the rain off your head with it. Hair. From the makers of fingernails. Dan?

Thank you, Blaine. Now I can truly say, What happened last time on Nerd Poker? Ronnie's raiders have gone deep into the Arch-Lich's lair, and they have uncovered a sarcophagus with a tortured headless corpse in it, and what better thing to do than attack the cursed trapped corpse? We just had Friar Jolly plunge a mace into the corpse, and we're going to find out whether something good or bad happens right now.

Hey, Chris, you rolled a 12. Against the cursed corpse. So there's going to be a moment you have as your mace collides with the corpse. It feels really hard, but not stone hard. It feels like it kind of smacks into it, but then it gets stuck. And there's what feels like extreme resistance.

What's your reaction? Does my mace actually make contact with it? Yes. It goes like, and it gets just barely stuck in the corpse. Just barely in the corpse? Yes.

Like maybe... Like toffee? Or taffy? Or caramel? It's caramel. Can I try and pull the mace away? Absolutely. Can you please do a strength saving throw, though?

I will. Can anybody help him? Not yet. This is instantaneous reaction type stuff, but after this, absolutely. Gotcha. I got a six. Okay. Your mace gets pulled hard.

It starts sinking into the corpse really? more black ichor starts spraying out and it slips out of your hands it is now handle sticking up head of mace completely disappeared inside the corpse

hmm this guy's a tootsie roll it might be a good idea to hit this guy with ranged weapons and stuff uh do you leave the mace oh yeah I will uh let the mace go to a higher better place it it slowly

you want to grab it slowly sinks into the corpse and disappears uh the body continues to roll back and forth. Friar Jolly, now that you're the closest anyone has gotten to it, you're able to observe that it looks

like its desiccated skin is changing texture in such a way it almost looks like it's being turned into scales and rotted fur, all kinds of weird things as a form of torture. I think you didn't touch it.

To help? Oh. Try to help everybody else. I'm going to cast Dispel Magic on it. Yeah. Why not? Do I have a sense of level? Like, should I be casting it at a high level or?

Do an insight check for me, and we'll see. That is... 14. Um... All I can really tell you is two things that are really just reminders. There is an aura of necromancy as was discovered by Dr.

Urid's detect magic earlier, and this is likely a curse rather than magic. Oh, but necromancy is magic. Yeah. Right? Maybe the curse is like anything we try and do

to kill it will get stopped because, you know, Alex doesn't want him to die. Alex wants him to suffer forever. Right. So, yeah, like there could be both. Right? There's a lot going on here.

I was just trying to turn him out of Laffy Taffy into, like, more of a corpse. Right. But, you know. You absolutely can do it. I just would say, with that 14 roll, you're not sure what the result is going to be. Okay.

Those were just a couple of reminders reminders not me trying to stop you right i support you win a friend doing it yeah all right we might as well try okay i'll cast a spell magic at uh fifth level oh shit okay weird um as you cast dispel magic and is there a song with this sarah or poem oh um yeah there's just a like a strumming um and uh she like unhooks her cloak and lets it fall to the floor so she can lift her arms fully wide and and it's just like be gone foul stench and uh she like thrusts her arms forward and uh it looks like it's necessary for the for the spell for her to do that um and then uh as she does that she does, does like a kneeling kind of like kneel. It takes a knee, you know, and then leaps up and does a back flip.

Wow. Holy shit. Do an acrobatics check, please. Um, I will. Could I do a performance check instead? Um,

yes. Cause this is part of my routine. Yes. You can do a performance check instead. Uh, yes. Can you sing foul stents to the tune of monkey wrench? This is part of my routine. Yes, you can do a performance track instead. Yes. Can you sing Foul Stance to the tune of Monkey Wrench? Holy shit.

That's a 30. Wow. Wow. You guys have never seen bravado like this in your life. That's amazing. like this in your life. That's amazing. As Winifred throws her arms up and does her back flip, the cloak she has tossed to the ground

spins and spirals in the air. The chamber seems to echo with light and joy for a moment, despite how evil it is. Now, little applause. Did you roll this, guys? Was that a natural and then a 10 plus? I rolled a 17 and I have a plus 13 to perform it. Jesus Christ.

So it could have been higher. Imagine that with like guidance and a 20. That could have been disturbing, but it was still insane. I really created this character to be a star of the stage. It printed the Super Bowl, only rolled a 28. Wow. That was amazing.

All right. But did it work? As you do your back flip, it is as if the force of your flip pulls the body up out of the sarcophagus it begins to lurch in place and sit up um it is uh not a pleasant sight to behold i would probably say you're so expertly doing your performance everyone doesn't quite register it for a moment they're so expertly doing your performance, everyone doesn't quite register it for a moment. They're so taken with what you're doing. But the corpse now sits up

and begins to jerkily feel around. Its flesh is continuing to roil over in different textures. Ew, okay, so I freed him from the sarcophagus. But he is still cursed. Cool. Is he going to start dancing? He is beginning to try to get up, but it's as if he's not sure how to use his arms and legs.

Get him, guys. Now we got to... I know the feeling. It's me getting out of a chair. He's making all kinds of weird noises like, ah. That's gross. So we're going to try to kill him? Yeah, let's do it.

All right. Who's going to go first? And everybody will roll initiative is what we're doing. All right. Sounds good. Well, I shot him once. I'm going to say, Fire Jolly, also, I'm going to give you an opportunity to tell me, did you walk back at all? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Please move your token about where you would have walked back before the performance by Winifred. And Winifred, if you could please place your token somewhere a little bit appropriate for the performance you just did. Center stage. I rolled a 13. And of course... Just a toss. Of course, roll 20 did not let me clear everybody's rolls.

And so I'm going to have to do all of this manually. I hate roll 20. God dang it. clear everybody's roles and so I'm going to have to do all of this manually. I hate roll 20. God dang it. Boo. Why don't you use the shortcut control U to quickly add groups? I don't know how to do that, but thank you.

Nothing. Just look at what it said. Okay. The more time people can kill as I try to at what it said. Okay. The more time people can kill as I try to do what roll 20 was supposed to do for me, I will be... I'm going to smash some watches. He's rolling my

d20 around the desk. That's fun. Yeah, he just rolled a 13 plus a 7 for dander like he's down three if he doesn't knock it off have him roll for lives hey uh i could do a i'll do a quick joke that i didn't do at the pop culture show last night what's an alvin bragg i know simon and theodore hurry up dan

that was quite a flip you did there do you have a name for that maneuver well I'm kind of in the middle of something right now we are trying to kill this however I would absolutely love to talk craft with you once this is done.

I noticed you don't have any fingers on that hand. So was that harder for you to kind of like flip your cloak off? Didn't I get my fingers back? I think I did get my fingers back. You did. I don't know. I see a bunch of stopes. Dr. Uden Winterfred, for some reason, the game log didn't show your initiative.

Can you remind me what they were? Yes. Oh, shoot. No, I just got out of there. Hang on. Yeah, I don't know why it didn't show up. Reroll if you have to. Yeah, listeners, you'd probably be able to remember faster.

I can't believe I don't remember whether I got my fingers back or not. I thought that I did. 21. I think you did. You did. 21. I think you did. You did. 21. I remember you did. I just see like a mitten hand. Nice. Okay.

There's also only two of the fingers. Well. I think maybe it was this one was left. A little AI there. I'll let the listener decide which finger Sarah held. That was not cool. Amusingly enough, Sarah, you got the highest initiative despite kind of implying everyone else should go in and attack first.

So you're up first. Okay, cool. I guess I have to try to now liquefy this guy even more since basically all I did was free him from his bonds, which is not great. So I am going to. Yes. Oh, shoot. I should have cast speak with the dead earlier but too late now i guess um

no head though what no head he doesn't have head yeah i feel like i could oh that's right he needs to have a all right i guess i'm just gonna fall back on my classic raul fims psychic lance again sorry to be so predictable is that to affect a guy with no head? Oh, that's a good question. Well, let's see. He has a brain, right? Or he has like a semblance of... Correct.

There is like a sort of nervous system that Briar Jolly has communicated to everyone. So there's something there. All right. Briar Jolly has communicated to everyone, so there's something there. Um, all right, well, I'm going to pick up my cloak, dust it off, wrap it around myself and and then I'm just going to unleash a shimmering lance of psychic power from my forehead. No biggie. All right. And that is, if I'm not mistaken, saving throw. But is it wisdom or charisma?

It's an intelligence saving throw. Oh, whoops-a-doodle. A wisdom. Okay. Here comes that. That'll be 14. Okay, so he failed.

So he's also going to be incapacitated until the start of my next turn. And he is going to take 39 points of psychic damage. Goddamn. All right. So the psychic lance just smashes into his chest and he vibrates a little bit.

Wait, this time, by the way, as this is happening, I can't, Sarah can't do this, gnashes into his chest and he vibrates a little bit. Wait, this time, by the way, as this is happening, What? I can't, Sarah can't do this, but just know that Winifred holds one single note, kind of like when people make the glasses shatter. She's just like, sings that one note. And if anyone here with a beautiful voice wants to-

Ah! Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, I got it, I got it. . All together, let's do it on three, you guys. One, two, three. . Hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit.

And subscribe to us on Patreon. When we get back. Sorry if you were driving and you just drove off the road like Brian and his mom. Everybody's windshield shattered. Oh my goodness. My contacts. Okay.

We just summoned Ella Fitzgerald. The being is up and it is incapacitated. It lurches in place. Then, Kweep, it is your turn. I will attack it with a crossbow. You don't say. Because I'm worried about... Does it seem like melee weapons get lost when you use them on it?

I'll give you a free insight check if you'd like it. All right, then. Oops, that spells. That is a 18. It feels like it's a distinct possibility. Yeah, shit. I was going to attack it with a straw. Yeah, shit.

I was going to attack it with a straw. I am going to shoot another crossbow at him. Yeah. Go for it. Yep. And I believe if he's incapacitated, is that an automatic success advantage? What's the deal with that? Oh, yeah.

I think because he's standing, it's not the same. Incapacitated? Yeah. Can't take actions or reactions. Got it. So is it? That's all that means. So no, it's not.

Oh, it says you succeed. Yeah, you succeed automatically if the target is grappled. That's grappled. Yeah, I think incapacitated it's still not automatic. So, or advantage. All right, well. Just do the roll you were going to do. Do the roll you were going to do.

Ooh. Yeah, it just sails past him. And I will try it again. Goes pang off the sarcophagus. This time a 16. That's a hit. Roll your damage. That is.

Ooh, eight points of damage. All right, this one just smacks into its shoulder. More ichor sprays everywhere, and this time you're able to see the bolt slowly sink into the body. Mm-hmm. And that will do it for your turn, yes? That will do it for my turn. Did you communicate to the group your observation?

Yes. Yes. No melee. Spunk is going to take a step back and hold his action. Dr. Uwud, you're up. I'm going to get a flame blade going and take a swing at him. Just thinking the flame blade, if it starts to sink, I can let go of it. But it's not really a thing, right?

It's a flame. Yeah. That's a 20 to hit. Natural. Will you move your token about where you want it to be? Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry. No, no, it's fine, buddy.

I'll go over here. I'm going to so it's a natural 20 plus wow, whatever. So I'll just say I'll just say natural 20. And flame blade, I do 3d6. 3d6.

3d6. 3d6 1, 2, 3 so that's 10 doubles 20 okay so just an explosion of flame and you realize the blade

explodes in your hand into just little sparks after it collides so my flame blade is gone correct alright I get it anything that touches it is fucked up

if it's connected to you I guess perhaps perhaps fire jolly you're up fucked up. If it's connected to you, I guess. Perhaps, perhaps. Friar Jolly, you're up. Friar Jolly is going to cast Toll the Dead on this creature, so it's got to make a Wisdom

DC 17 save and throw. Okay. Okay. uh say i guess uh save and throw okay i'll be an 11. oh uh that's a fail so it's gonna take 2d12 uh plus five damage what type of damage sir uh it is necrotic thank you so we're gonna add five to this i'm rolling 2d12 a 10 or 9 19 plus 5 24 points all right uh the body uh shakes violently as you cast Toll the Dead. Does my mace fall out of it?

Nope. Bad news. Your melee weapon is still missing. Ah, the Pope gave me that. I'm in trouble. No. Oh, were you the Pope's exorcist? I'm not supposed to say but yes alright

will that do it for you sir yeah I don't think I'm gonna get any closer I'll stay there is it too late to do a personal trainer joke Fizbort steps to the side and casts a spell you see a bunch of bolts of white energy smash into the corpse.

Ronnie, you are up. Cool. I'm not going to arm blade him. That could be bad for both of us. Mostly me. So I will wing a couple of darts at him.

Watch me go. Roll to dart. I will watch you go also. 13 probably doesn't hit. No, that is a miss, sadly. But I will wing another one at him. Wing it. Dart it.

Poke it. Oh, yay. 17 plus 7 would be 24 to hit roll that damage uh cool uh

7 of the piercing kind alright the dart goes and like lands right in his torso you hear a little pip noise as it lodges itself in there and gets sucked into the body. Dan, I'm going to pull all the darts out of my back. Oh, no. All right.

I tell him I hope I made my point. And then I step away. Do you wink to the camera, though? That's what's important. Do you wink to the camera? Yeah. Thank you for thinking about it. Sarah, you're up.

Okay, I am going. Sarah is no longer incapacitated. Correct. So I'm, at this point, I think just going to... Sorry, I was just realizing that I keep coming out of... I realized I'm missing a couple spells from when we last leveled up, so I was trying to get them, but I will go back to that in a mo. So right now, I'm pulling out my sheet

and I'm going to do a ranged attack. I am going to... Oh, shoot. I can't. Okay. Sorry, guys. This is the best I can do at this late date. I'm just going to be like... I'm just going to... I saw late date open for pavement

mhm um I'm just gonna tell him that um his texture is gross oh I see what's happening he looks like

you know a melted Tootsie Roll. Yes. I heard he was a king once. You know, it's too bad that now he's just like a kid's unicorn slime that they made in the kitchen and they're going to throw in the garbage. Nice. And, you know, he's bummed. He's bummed by what I said.

He doesn't like it. And he is going to take some small amount of damage due to that. All right. Your comments sink into him. He's going to take two whole points. I think that's because actually he likes this form and he likes being disgusting like this and he's into it.

It's actually his thing. Wow. I couldn't, I couldn't hurt his feelings. If only he could tell you, but he has no mouse with which to compliment or, or, or receive gratitude or,

or give it. Um, well, that it. That was like viscous mockery. Oh, sherry, you rascal. Big wind up for that pitch, but it came in hot. A long walk, but it was worth it.

Oh, man. Oh, my God. It was a walk to remember. Will that do it for your turn? Yeah. Okay. Bl Yeah. Okay. Blaine. Yes. Dr. Uwud.

You stand next to the form and it suddenly quivers to life. Oh. It reaches an arm out for you. And it botches. Ah! Does it punch itself in the stomach and then its arm disappears into itself? Like Homer in the carpet?

No, it will be fun to figure out how I'm going to narratively explain what's about to happen, but I'm going to roll a 100 with full visibility and roll 20. Oh, boy! 76 trombones led this big parade. So he... The fist disappearing into its own behind.

It leans forward, trips, and smashes into a vase, and the vase just sort of explodes into the body. It looked like there was some sort of dust in the vase also, and it's just sort of explodes into the body. It looked like there was some sort of dust in the vase also and it's just sort of like... You also get an opportunity attack as he stumbles past you, Blaine. Okay.

Will you take it? Yeah, I'm going to put my tongue on it. It was a melee attack. Yeah, exactly. You know what I'm going to do is I'm going to try a thorn whip. Okay. So 13 plus 8 is 21. Okay.

And if it starts to absorb into it, I'm just going to let it go. So that's 2d6 piercing. Eight points. so that's 2d6 piercing uh eight points yeah you you lash the whip into it and the second the whip hits it it almost turns into like some sort of extremely dry substance as brittle as glass but still made of some sort of wood-like material and it just explodes. Okay, good to know. But eight points, nonetheless. Noted.

Irregardless, nevertheless. Queep, it is your turn. The body with no head is now thrown on the ground. Cool. Hilariously wasting its turn. I mean, really, all I can do is my crossbow again. It would seem so. Oh, well, let's see.

That's a 22 to hit. Wait, wait. Oh, it's prone. Disadvantage, please. A ranged attack. For me? Something laying down, I believe. But is he above it?

Are you still flying? Yeah. So it's like it's sticking to a wall. Yeah, well, he definitely is. I would think he would be disadvantaged. He fell down. The attack rolls against the creature. No, that definitely is. I would think he would be disadvantaged. He fell down. Attack rolls against the creature. No, let's not hang on.

Boop, boop, boop. A prone creature's movement. I just have to adjust my aim. Crawl creature has disadvantage. Attack roll against the creature has advantage if the attacker is within five feet. Otherwise, the attack roll has disadvantage. Yep. Yep. Ah.

Do you want to be? Run up to it. See what... Fly right up. Within five feet. Tongue on it. So, I will be... Put your tongue on the thing.

Okay. Oh, yeah. There you go. No, just roll again. Let's see. Let me... You know how to cross the... With disadvantage, it you go. No, just roll again. Let's see. Let me, you know, disadvantage. It's 21. Okay.

The bolt sinks in. Yeah. Damage is and I'm going to do it again. With disadvantage. I got a 23 and a 16. Again, it goes... It stuff sprays. 16's good. That's another 11 points of damage.

Thank goodness for spray. Bunk is going to keep holding. He does not like what's happening. Well, at least it's sprayed. I'm going to step back kind of out of attack range so it doesn't try to swing at me again, and I'm going to hit it with another Thorn Whip. Okay.

How far back? Five, ten? I'll do ten feet. And that's a 16 plus eight, 24. That's a hit. Two DCs, seven points. Again, the whip explodes off. It's a cantrip, so I can keep calling it up.

Then it'll bring us to Friar Jolly. You know, I'm going to try and do that same thing again. Pardon me, the Toll the Dead. So it's going to make a dc 17 wisdom saving throw nope 12 sweet uh so it's 2d 12 plus 5 oh not so good at 2 and 8 so 10 plus 5 15 points of necrotic damage yeah i mean I mean, it shakes in place horribly. It looks like it's doing a ton of damage to it. You know, it's writhing on the floor, much as it was in the coffin for a moment.

Interesting. I will move into the room a little bit, but still a little further away from the creature just to keep my distance. That's good this board's gonna adjust uh where he is and he is uh gonna shoot some more bolts of white energy into it do do do math math math number number number. Hey, Ronnie. Yeah, man. It's your time to shine. The thing's laying on the ground.

Note that you have disadvantage on ranged attacks while it's laying on the ground. Disadvantage? Disadvantage, yes. It's harder to hit when it's laying down. Okay. But we still shouldn't use swords and that kind of stuff i'd love it if you tried yeah but no i don't want to i feel like he's like um venom that he's gonna grab my uh He's like Venom.

He's going to grab my black stuff will be everywhere and suck me into him. Yeah. You know, Ronnie doesn't want to do it. But if Brian does, I really think you should try and convince him because it would be funny. No. I'm going to bring some darts at him again. Okay. Wait a second.

Huh? Is there anything Uh Where's he in relation to the coffin? He's out of the coffin, right? About ten feet away down a couple of steps off the platform that the sarcophagus is on.

Is there something I can drop onto him? Do an insight check. Ronald. Hey. Oh, you don't like that? Ronnie McDonnie. Insight.

I just got a six, so no. Shit. Ronnie McDonnie. Insight. It's got a six, so no. Shit. Yeah, you look around. I mean, there's one of those things called Chris. I think you helped me out last time. Those big sort of jar things that have flames coming out of them. Oh, brazier.

Great. Thank you. My brazier friend. There's one of those, you could toss it like salad and scrambled eggs at the corpse, but it's a little too far away from the big statue, you think? What big statue? There's two dragonborn statues in the corner. Oh, right.

There's one about like 20 feet away. His corpse is too far away. It's too far. Picking up the brazier is about the closest thing that you could. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to try to set him on fire. Ooh. Cool.

So you. Freeze him up. Oh, wait. Yeah, yeah. Do I have any oils? Just anybody else? Sure do. You've recently been to Bed Bath & Beyond and you've just got a whole...

I think you actually have a friend who's in a multi-level marketing scheme and you've got a whole batch of lavender oil and tea tree oil and all kinds of essential oils. I like tea tree oil. I'm going to crack a couple of them and throw them on him and then wing the... What did you call the... The brazier. Brazier. on him and then uh and then wing the what did you call the the tori razor so uh for the toss please do an athletic yeah speaking of that brazier's back very quick so yes um athletics check difficulty 12 to uh splat oil on him from 15 feet away. Okay. Athletics.

Mm-hmm. Oh, just over. 13. Cool. So it splatters all over him. And it's got, yeah, a wonderful sort of like tea tree scent like you would get from the Trader Joe's conditioner. That'd be nice. Um, yes.

I was going to say something else, but my brain decided to say no. That really sucks. Oh, yeah. but my brain decided to say no that really starts coffee yes did you see Donnie in in John Wick for everybody playing the same party played a man but like why not yeah he kind of stole it, though, I thought. Yeah, he was great. He was great. He is even better than it was in Rogue One. It was fantastic. That movie's just awesome.

Scott Adkins was awesome in it, too. And people are complaining, like, you get one of the best martial arts guys and put him in a fat suit. Like, meh. I'm like, yeah, that's why he's fucking awesome. He couldn't do all the cool things. You dipshit. That's not the point. I'm like, yeah, that's why it's fucking awesome. You couldn't do all the cool things.

You dipshit. That's not the point. Like, it looks cool that fucking there's a fat dude, but it's Scott Adkins jumping everywhere and kicking shit out of people. Oh, my God. That sequence was bonkers. Yeah. Yeah. They shot it really well.

It was hard to pull off visually, but they did it. Oh, I loved it. They should trade him with the whale. There's so many great moments, like the nuts, the dogs that attack nuts. Oh, my God.

I've been saying that now all the time. Like, nuts! Yeah, have you trained mavis yet no yeah I'm working on it okay so for the brazier it's going to be an athletics I'm giving you that you're using your bonus action to toss the oil

and so for your action it's going to be another athletics check the brazier is much heavier so that's going to be another athletics check. The braver is much heavier. So that's going to be an athletics check difficulty of 17. Damn, I miss it. Yeah, I rolled a seven. Okay, so you pick it up. But you can just tell you don't have enough heft.

And you kind of like lurch forward and hit it hard on the ground. You don't botch or anything but you can't quite get it to launch and just kind of slam it down right in front of you again. You do fart in front of all the cheerleaders though. Yeah. But it weighs like close to 100 pounds.

It's pretty heavy. I should have asked my friend to my friend Chris to help me. All right. I'll help you. Well, this turn, guidance can't happen, but yes. Yeah, no, I know.

Damn it. Well, that's cool. He's oily. Anybody else want to try? And Winifred, yeahred you are up yeah can I can I grab a torch and do it there are

I'm trying to visually yeah there are torches on the wall you could grab okay I'm gonna I will grab a torch off the wall and then toss it. Yeah, like kind of right where, yeah. That's a brazier, but if you go like here, there would be a torch. Yeah.

Yes. A little bit past them to the right. And yeah, you going to chuck the torch? I am. All right, you gonna chuck the torch? I am. Alright, pretty easy athletics check of 10. I'm 10 feet away.

I'm rolling. She's rolling, she's rolling. Sound! Oh! So you toss it and light the body up. Oh! So, whoosh! You toss it and light the body up and it begins to

roil with flame in a very weird way. It's like almost as if there are waves of energy or oil just sort of raking across its body as it's on fire. So, will that do it for your turn, Sarah? I mean, hold on.

Yeah, I mean, I think it will. Okay. So it uses, it's the body's turn. It uses half of its speed to stand up. It is still on fire. And it takes a step towards Winifred. Oh, reaches for her

11 to hit. Oh, no. OK, it's now going to try and grab at you again. 13 to hit. No, also. Boy, oh boy. It takes a couple of swipes at you and you're able to lean side to side

and just barely miss it. However, it does have you kind of back against the wall at this point. And it's on fire. I'm going to move up. Creep, you're're up and fire crossbows and my app died so that's cool oh here we go r.i.p all right

All right. Attack. Oh, that's a voice. Voice. 10. And this. And 15. That's a hit. What you need.

Oh, three points of damage. So. Disappears into the flames. Bunk is going to kind of scoot around to get an angle on the visual. Doesn't have a ranged attack. He can pull off at the moment. Dr. Ud, you're up.

I'm going to move down to here where I'm close, but no cigar. And I'm going to thorn whip him. All right. Roll to ATAC. That is an A plus eight, 16.

That's a hit. And that's a 2D6 piercing. That's another seven points. How would you like to see this thing die I'd love to but I also rolled a 20 with my magic thing which damages me oh

okay anyway but yeah I'd love to see I'd love to see I would like to trip it and it and it falls backwards into a wedding cake and then uh and everybody comes over and a dog pees on it that is absolutely what happens but unfortunately something else uh is also going to happen so the wild magic thing you rolled the d100 and it was a 20. no i rolled a 20 to see if uh if it hit me and it did hit you.

So roll a 100, please, for the wild magic effect that's hitting you. 18. This never happens. Oh, an 18. Yeah, this is pretty rare. You guys all note these beautiful, bright-colored spring flowers

bloom all over Dr. Uwud's body. Oh, how pretty. They poke out of his armor, they grow out of his neck, the top of his head is a wonderful plume of beautiful flowers. Sorry, sorry,

this doesn't happen to me too often. You're just so pretty. I'm also going to need a dexterity saving throw from Dr. Uwit and Winifred. Oh dear. 14 plus 3, 17. That's a natural 20 plus 7, so 27. Jeez.

Another flip. All right, well, you're both going to take half of this the body explodes in flame after the dog pees on it so to speak shouldn't be too bad though you're brave heroes this is going to be half of 13 points of fire damage

so 8 6 points of fire damage. Eight? Six points of fire damage for you. Alright. If only the dog pee could put the flames out, but unfortunately there was just too much oil on there. Story of my life.

And we'll have to just enjoy the cleanup of this fight on the next episode of NerdPulse. Nice. Sandman, what do you think happened? Due to this audio mix-up, I was unable to listen.

I'm sorry. He's so... Guys, he's so guys he's done with us he's just he's listener subscribe on Patreon he's thumbing his nose at us sorry say what did you do

well for the last hour then uh just hung out I almost spit soda all over my computer Jesus Christ look we already need to replace Sam's computer Brian don't ruin your own I almost spit soda all over my computer. Jesus Christ. Look, we already need to replace Sam's computer, Brian. Don't ruin your own for getting Dr. Pepper all over it. Sounds like Tony Robbins.

Glad to see you, Sam. Glad you're here, buddy. Can you spot me down at the thing? With the thing? Oh, Dan. Brian. You got anything you want to plug? Sure. As was noted on the last episode, I will be doing Jimmy Pardo's show on May 11th over at the Maricopa Pop Culture.

Oh, Jimmy Pardo's a good guy. He's alright. I'm doing a bunch of shows over in Santa Monica lately. There's a theater over there that's been booking me a lot recently called The Crow. They're a lot of fun. A comedy theater. I'm doing a show there tonight. Sarah's gone. Oh, you're there tonight?

Great. I was there last night. It's a lot of fun. You'll have a lot of fun. Good crowds. And the biggest parking lot in comedy. How could you possibly argue with that? Brian? Yeah.

I've got a comic book signing and four shows actually coming up in Tacoma in two weeks. Um, 21st, 22nd. Uh, I'm going to be, it's all on the website. Go to brianfussain.com.

The name of the comedy or comic book shop, but it's supposed to be one of the best ones in town. And, um, I'll sign whatever you bring. And then the following week I'll be in Maryland and, uh, for one night and,

uh, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania for one night. And then I have like a month and a half off again, but, uh, and then some shows in July, but, uh, prime saying.com and uh posting it on grata

check that out and nerd poker and buy merch i mean buy nerd poker merch and then listen to grandpa's metal stash this is what i meant nerdpokerPod.com for all that merch. Yes, yes, yes. Blame. We attribute the success to mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well,

on the next NerdPoker, the writers, Frank, forces NerdPoker to hire scabs. The jokes are going to be from hell with an attitude. Do you like the black box? That's what she said. All this and a rap about pronouns on the next NerdPoker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

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