Nerd Poker - S5E39 Sassy Immortality Cups

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

With the sad old headless king roasted, exploded, and generally annihilated, it's now time to loot and investigate his death chamber! Or, you know, we could just set it all on fire. Sorry, no Chris Tallman, he is shooting television but he will be back next episode!  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five.

Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. It's episode 39. We're down one. We're down Chris. But we'll be okay. And he's good. He's shooting something.

So don't worry um but uh he's making more television for your child to watch uh how my friends are here that was dan of course hey buddy hi yeah just your children adults get out of the room this is for some some cool skateboarding kids what ch Chris Tallman's making. Right. Ken, hey, buddy. Hi, how are you? Good to see you.

Yeah, man. Sarah's here. Hello. Hi, hello. Good morning. Blaine. I heard Chris was shooting at cans of Bud Light. Oh, my gosh. He hates these cans.

And Sam's not going to take it. That's right. Hello, sweet children. What's going on, man? How are you? Hey, how are you? I'm good. Glad you're all right.

Well, there is a black balloon there. Yeah. I was wondering. No, I was singing a song and everything. Nobody was joining in. Black balloon is here. Take a song and everything. Nobody was joining in. Black balloon is here. Take your life and steer. Yeah, it looks like a gimp.

Yeah, that's the gimp he's up. Like somebody just kind of It's like doing a human centipede on you while you're sitting there. Why does that balloon have a ball choker? Well, cool. Episode 39, we did it. Let's get into

it, Dan. You want to thank some Patreon people? I'm going to thank Patreon supporters. First, I would like to thank Sam for growing such a voluminous beard. His beard is looking very... Look at who it is.

Look at how just you're welcome. It's getting lumberjack. I feel like I have face blindness for beards or maybe my default settings. I just assume everyone always has a beard because everybody does. Take a look around. Take a look around. So then when people are like actually when I saw a picture of Chris.

My beard's in the other room sleeping. I do feel like I might be about to shave mine off. This has been a one and a half year experiment. Oh, no. I've never had a beard before. Keep yours. Call me Daddy and I'll do whatever you want. Keep yours, Daddy.

Goodness. It's too early in the morning for this. I'm just trying to make sure I'm as disgusted as possible this episode. What about my beard with the Randy Quaid-ness going on? I feel like I've been giving you compliments on that for 20 years, Brian. It's time to give Sam a little bit of sweetness. But it's extra

long today. It is. You should put some oil in it and tease it out. Oh, I do. I have a little comb. Oh, yeah. Put some salamanders in there. What? Sorry, I do. I have a little comb. Oh, yeah. Some salamanders in there. What happened? I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Is that a reference to

something, Ken, or are you just feeling salamander-y? I have a mental illness. Oh, nice. It holds a comb. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's like sticking a pick in your ass. I could put like 20 of them in there. It's hung up on some eggs.

You need to braid it and put bows. Yeah, like Captain Lou Albino. He just put rubber bands. And Albano in my beard-o. What a weird-o. Well, Brian, please continue to stick things in your beard for a series of sight gags I will

it won't stay up here though oh yeah maybe it will oh look at you that's some pebbles Flintstone action you had going there for a second the stuff I have on the top of my head I don't even know if that's technically hair I think

oh it's still hair yeah head pubes excuse me we would like to let you Patreon supporters know that we're just really glad that you could support things like the phrase head pubes being burst into existence on episode 39.

Um, but, uh, I want to thank specifically. Patreon supporters like Adam Ruiz. Thanks, Adam. Thank you,

Eric Mon. Thank you. I'm sorry. Thanks for apologizing, Dan. Thank you, Jonathan Wood. Thank you from nerdPokerQuotes,

who says, Brian Posehn, do not fucking, don't do fucking stained impersonations on my show. Sam, pull that out. I really fucked that up. Excuse me, y'all. Thank you, Grigsby Silverskin.

Thank you, Sean B. Thank you, Sarah's Weighted Dice. Thank you, Bob Robb. Thank you, David Feig. Thank you, Sarah's Weighted Dice. Thank you, Bob Robb. Thank you, David Feig. Thank you, Wick Rotation. Thank you, My Name is Craphead. Mount Craphead. Thank you, Stephen Terrell.

Thank you, Clay Carver. Thank you, Roland of Gilead. Thank you, Balrog Total Fitness. And finally, thank you, Manfred Manfrax. Thank you all. Blaine, who are the supporters brought to us by?

Supporters brought to us by Shitbag Adult Diapers. You got a shit at work? Strap on a shitbag. Got a pool with a DMV? Strap on a shitbag. Got to drop the kids off at the pool when you're dropping your kids off at the school?

Strap on a shit bag! Fill them up, you fucking freaky weirdo! Shit bag! Adult diapers! Not for use with pee! Dan? Thanks, Blaine. I always thought it was for use with pee. I haven't had any problems.

It won't hold pee, but it'll hold shit. Yeah, it's... The pee just runs right off. Look, the water still beads. It's like Rain-X. I think Sarah's frozen, or she just doesn't enjoy it. No, Sarah's frozen. She's frozen with shock.

Every time I write a poo, and I'm like, oh, Sarah's going to hate me. I've never been a super fan of scatological humor, but I also have children who are right at that age. So every day is like Bart day in our house. Oh man. Poo poo underwear. Commentary about that's prime time. Yeah.

Did they find the word underwear hilarious? No, but they haven't watched, I guess Captain Underpants is a thing or something. Captain Underpants. Oh, it's a thing. Yeah. Oh, it's a thing. 20 years ago i managed to i managed to like act like butt was a bad word for so long that like that they

they're still like if someone says but they still think it's hysterical do you know what i mean they're like my son told me like wow my son told me recently like very shyly he was like he's like mom i think i might have said the s word at school. And I was like, oh, okay. And I was like, wait, I didn't do. What is the S word? And he's like, stupid. I was like, thanks for telling me. I appreciate it. You're going to love shit.

You think stupid's fun. Oh, my gosh. All right. Well, I believe it should now be time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker Ronnie's Raiders which makes me

laugh even though it's not that well here's my cat's butthole everybody excuse me my cat it just loves to perch and point his butthole at the. This is great during job interviews. Tiddles the cat is old one-eye. Ronnie's raiders

exploded. A dead king, Eldrin III, who had no head and consciousness and kind of sucked for him, but they blew him up and I think a dog peed on him first, so that was pretty gross, but there was oil and fire all over dog peed on him first so that was pretty gross but there was oil and fire all over him before he exploded the tomb he was encased in is now really gross we take you

to that already progress so yeah you guys are in what feels like the deep depths of another plane of existence you've you've uh really broken through the castle significantly at this point and for reasons that are still not clear to me your dungeon master you uncovered something that i'm glad you uncovered because i think it's fun but again it was a coffin that you listened to very closely and then we're like yeah we're cracking this open because why not why not i find i find all narrative uh risks to be entertaining but uh yeah you now have you're now if i'm looking over at the map on roll 20 i can transition from giving you guys a hard time to describing it for everybody you are in

sort of an eastern chamber from the big elevator shaft that you guys went down. You went into the western chamber briefly where Winifred got attacked by a statue. You went into the east one to fight this. There are some statues still in here. It looks like weird offerings on the ground. And then there's still a north and a south chamber leading off of the elevator shaft. But you have not explored those yet. There's still a north and a south chamber leading off of the elevator shaft, but

you have not explored those yet. I'm just talking about elevator shaft. Let's talk about my friend Otis. Did we check out the thing on the mantle or on the pedestal or whatever is over here circled in yellow?

That would be a statue. But we haven't checked it out. Not really. I mean, like, I think you guys commented on it mid-combat. Right. Okay. There it is. I would like to examine it. Okay. Don't touch it, because last time

I touched it. Sarah touched it? What did I touch? So, as you rub your hands up and down no no yeah that was the other one where dan and i got into a thing about i have a very sensitive uh mouth and tongue so i can touch it with my face i have no nerve endings in my face which is why I was on that episode of jackass. Can you roll an investigation check? Can I don't know? Can I, I do actually have nerve endings in my face.

I was on jackass. I rolled. Do you not have nerve endings? And were you, were, were you not on jackass? I was, why don't,

why don't you go watch every single episode and keep an eye out for me? I rolled an 11. I was not on jackass. I have, Why don't you go watch every single episode and keep an eye out for me? Find Dan in his face. I was not on Jackass. I have no nerve endings in my fingertips, but I do have them in my face. What happened to your fingertips that you don't have them? Chemotherapy.

Chemotherapy, chemotherapy, chemotherapy. I got kicked in the face as a teenager. And where i got kicked in the face as a teenager and uh and where i got kicked in the face i still have no feeling really weird yeah where is it uh it's just right here right i got smashed right yeah oh geez man i rolled an 11 investigation so you lolly your tongue out and drag it a chrono so there is a small

platform in here I'm actually gonna delete the yellow circle if I can just so it's a little easier to see there's like a small platform with a plaque and there are three large they look similar to kind of a brazier as chris tallman reminded me a couple of times or some sort of chalice but they're way too big

and there's nothing in them it's all very clean it looks like they are forming a sort of pattern of three there's a big one in the front and then a smaller one on either side of it. Um, like a trio of them, the, the plaque. What, what languages does Queep speak?

Uh, Eric Cochran in common and what? Uh, love math, French touch. Yeah. All the time. Where the hell is it? Love, math, French, touch, quality time.

Where the hell is it? Where are my languages? Features and traits? Usually in the lower left of a character sheet. I'm pulling you up. Yeah, front page. I'm on the app. Okay, let's see. Your languages are Aarakocra, Oran, and Common.

Oh, Oran. It's obviously written in Oran. Yeah, it's not. It's written in a language you don't understand, but there are like three lines of it. What's that behind it on the above? It looks like gold something. Those are candles that have burned down to the bottom. Got it.

I'm just wondering if this is some sort of a... Yeah, like a little, what do you call it? Like upper Wayne Scotting. Yeah, a little shelf. Wayne Scotting, Wayne Scotting. Party time. That's real. Okay. Any thoughts, anybody? wait scotting party time um okay uh any thoughts anybody i'm just wondering if this is like a door switch of some kind or does it does anything things are in patterns of three you said

uh there is well i mean look at this is hard because i'm describing art that you can just look at but it's also kind of not super highly detailed and i want listeners to know what it looks like so there's like they're like giant chalices there's a front one that's about five feet tall and then there's one on either side of it slightly to the back that are about three feet tall so it's like a not a pattern is not a uh the right word because it might encourage you to read into it uh for some sort of pattern uh it's more like a formation i'm really sorry because i had i was distracted by something that was happening in my home but um just to recap i probably i just missed the recap, I think, but we killed the guy who was in the thing. Was that where the brain had gone?

Remember how Lucas was going to tell us if we had found the king with the brain? I'm confused about the lore and what's happening here with that. Did we decide that that's what that was? In the last... So, okay. I believe Lucas is still strapped to friar jolly's back yes yes okay um he so so combat is just now dying down and um he is he is sort of um quivering half conscious and sobbing you can talk to, but he is not like piping up right now.

Lucas, was that the brain? My king. He just keeps muttering that over and over again. Would you like to get more from him? I will ask for a persuasion or an intimidation. I mean, unless you guys don't care about this, but I just wanted to like put a note on this last. I can tell you what like basic insight is. Yeah.

Like if you want to get it from him versus. can tell you what basic insight is. Yeah, yeah. If you want to get it from him versus... Maybe give us the basic insight and then also we'll just... Basic, okay. So, yeah, yeah. Passive insight, you feel like him muttering like this. This is clearly was the entombed body of King Eldrin III. You did figure that much out. Right, yes, yes.

It's headless. So, you're not sure what happened to... Yeah, you're not sure what happened to the head, but the brain was definitely removed magically and suspended in a terrarium that you found, and that disappeared. Got it. I think it seems possible

that the consciousness of the brain was infused in the headless body. Okay, and we think he was cursed. We did cover that briefly last episode. And yeah, it was cursed. Okay, and it was cursed by the archmage who was some kind of punishment. And then that's why he turned into Laffy Taffy?

Specifically blueberry flavored. Yeah, he was, he was, you can, again, basic insight. This is the king before Valix. So they didn't like each other. Valix seems to have some sort of beef with him. You don't know the details. That might be deeper lore than nerd poker normally would get into, but it does seem like this is like another powerful elf from centuries, eons ago that Valix has like punished eternally.

Okay. What is, what is Sisyphean? Is that right? No. Who's the dude Prometheus with the liver? That kind of shit. Okay. Your characters don't know who those people are.

So, but so that means that, so then in a way we did him a favor because we freed him from his eternal punishment. It would seem that it is a little bit of this, a little bit of that. He was probably suffering on a cosmic level that you released him from. I'm sorry to listeners

if this was already very clear to you and I'm also sorry to I don't think it was. I just wanted to like, I just wanted to wrap it all up before we start talking chalices.

All right. Well, I hope that chalices. Alright, well, I hope that cleared up. Again, you can get more into it with Lucas if you like. Friar Jolly, I think, right now would be saying, just shut up. You know, like as he's sobbing. Oh, to Lucas.

Because he's being kind of annoying. Yeah. Sorry, I just find you mildly annoying, he would say. Maybe. I feel like my impression of Jolly is more aggressive than he actually is.

Yeah. So now back to Chalice. Sorry, back to Chalice. Chalice chat. Thank you. That is what I wish I had said the first time it's got three lines would you all like to try and figure it out yes

yes okay so you got about as much as you're going to get from it with an 11 and no language skills can y'all other three tell me what languages you speak while I pull up Friar Jolly's character sheet and see if I can represent that

conversationally. Common druidic elvish. Abyssal and common. Abyssal. Abyssal or abyssal. I don't know. It's Yiddish for a little. I like abyssal.

Just abyssal. Is it Yiddish for a little. I like Abyssal. Just Abyssal. Is it Yiddish? Yeah. I believe it. Why do I know Yiddish? I don't know. Because you're... I don't want to say it.

Say it. Common and Elvish. I'm a Yiddish. You are a Yiddish. Yes. Common and Elvish. Okay. Your culture has dark corners in it. Why isn't Yiddish. Yes. Common Elvish. Okay. Your culture has dark corners in it.

Why isn't Yiddish on my sheet? Well, mine is the language of demons. So I feel like that could be. Friar Jolly speaks Common, Dwarvish, Elvish, and Halfling. This is Abyssal, though. Yay! Yiddish. Yes, demons.

I am going to... Would you like me to whisper what it says to you in the chat? Or would you like me to just paste it for all to see? Would you like me to announce it? How would you like this information? Why don't you paste it and then Winifred will translate it aloud. I want you to draw it and catch up on a hamburger. Okay.

This is what the three lines say. Oops. There we go. All right. She steps forward. Finds her light. Drink for life, ever last.

Excuse me. You're not supposed to be reading it from the chat. You're supposed to just send it to me. You're sending it to everyone. I thought you said to everybody,

but I was copying and pasting and I missed the important part. I was watching Indiana Jones. Sorry. All right right drink for life oh no back up hold start again you're still rolling there was no punctuation so i don't know what the demons are doing but just uh like a free hand Jesus Christ read it excuse me I was speaking that was the voice of Bahamut saying Jesus Christ

alright Amy try to be ready oh my god please here we go drink for life everlasting drink for life everlasting um drink for life everlasting guys fill for life

ever satisfying you can do it I'm sure there's nothing important in here that's great that we're having such a fun time I'm gonna put this in the episode description like of the published file just drink for life everlasting fill for life ever satisfying drain for life ever wanting that's what it says life ever wanting i wonder what that means

i get the other two yeah I mean what eternal life ever wanting means like you want like it's bad if you drain it it's bad seems bad yeah you'd want life

but I imagine that life everlasting coming from this cup is not good either though yeah can we check for evil can we check for evil? Can we check? Well, I'll... Do you have detect good and evil? I don't have shit.

I'm a big bird. I have wings. You have plenty of shit. It's just white and gross. I have a biac from which I speak. What the heck does this gentleman have? I do not have it. But as a paladin, does he have the ability to?

He just has Scryon. That's the only detection spell. That's a great question. It's not under spells. It might be automatic. It might be under spells. Might be automatic. It might be what? Like an automatic, like a feature. Right, right, right. Features and traits.

Features and traits. He's light domain. Nice. Light cantrip. Wording flare. Channel divinity. You can channel divine energy to fuel. Anyway, let's just assume that it is.

If it's written in demon language, I feel like we need to check. Right. Right. That makes sense. He does have divine intervention, so he could ask the silver flame. Pray about it, why don't you? We say. For divine intervention. Wow could ask the silver flame why don't you we say for divine intervention wow okay well he is going to uh sit down and reach out to the silver flame to see if

the silver flame flame can uh provide any answers uh sarah would you be so kind as to roll 20 sided? If your roll is equal to or less than 10, your deity intervenes. If successful, you can't use this feature again for seven days. It would take up a week's worth of stuff. That's not this important, right? I mean, personally, I don't think that's worth, worth him. I'm not going to take, make that choice for you guys.

Thank you. Hello. Is anybody there? Yeah. Yes. I don't know. Right. All right.

Well, this whole room seems important to me. So. Plus whatever his religion, you know, I don't have his pluses but yeah now this is this is a little weird because it's as an action you request your your aid and uh roll percentile dice it is a percentile dice is a hundred. Wait, I don't... Okay. That's my bad. I've never had to actually do this. So I am taking a little long to

absorb the wisdom. So you want me to roll a hundred? Ten or lower. Yeah, you want a hundred and then you want ten or lower. Yeah. One in ten. yeah you want 100 and then you want 10 or lower yeah 1 in 10 why don't you just roll

with some kind of statistician that's not silver flame does not reach out to friar jolly he goes damn it why'd you make me waste that to you players across the planes of existence just kidding um jk lol i will uh say all of you guys roll insight checks um and i will let winifred choose insight or history because she speaks abyssal.

24. Wow. Natural 20 plus 8, 28. Nice. Holy fuck. I just got an 11. That's two big ones. 11. 15 for Ronnie the leader.

Sorry. That was not as funny in the sarcastic way that laugh might have been played. Okay. Queep and Dr. Uid, it's fun that you two rolled so high because you have actually briefly met King Valix. So I'm going to have fun with that, with those high rolls.

Quape, you think that these are three diabolical vessels? Yeah, like you think that these can be used to channel or curse or bless in three different ways.

These three chalices. And Dr. Uwud, you feel this moment of a lot of dots connecting through your many adventures, all trying to lead up to this point. This guy, you know, has the mantle of the tenebrous one you you accidentally gave let him gave him access to it and it gave him additional powers and it i think seems to be another level of magic here related to demigoddom these are three things that he can straight up just do to people

that supersede even like a curse these are these are like you know infinity level things and you think life everlasting is probably some kind of ironic twist on immortality.

Ever satisfying is some sort of ironic twist on getting everything you ever wanted. And ever wanting is probably just either really, really bad, probably just either really really bad or it's uh really good with a really secret really bad aspect to it but it seems very twisted and you think the reason it is written in abyssal is this some sort of sick joke and so most folk will not even be able to read or understand this and might uh attempt to take a risk with it. All right. So we pass around the chalices and I'll take sips. Yeah.

Yeah. But, um, it's, it's, you know, it seems pretty straightforward in that you, you could pour some sort of drinkable liquid of like,

maybe even just water into all three of them, uh, drink from it or, or drain from it. But if you only fill it, that is what life ever satisfying leads to. Does it need to be water? I'm not going to do it then.

That changed my mind. It could be either as far as your 28 insight. It's a purple-colored version of whatever. Oh my God. So let's ignore these. This is an additive to cranberry juice and I hate it. What were you going to say?

I say we ignore these and move on back to the other room. All right. Should we destroy shit are we are we missing an opportunity to like wipe out this guy's Ronnie doesn't know

well would you if you like set everything on fire fire jolly is certainly game and has some spells that could assist such a thing um yeah I mean I don't know if we want to set it I mean how would that help setting on fire spells that could assist such a thing. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if we want to...

I mean, how would that help setting on fire? If you wanted to destroy the actual chalices, I guess we could, but... Yeah, like, Fire Jolly could either cast Fireball or Wall of Fire to just sort of light the whole room up, melt things, incinerate them

as a gesture. But I think you would all kind of passive insight, be like, okay, that would get King Valix's attention. Maybe this particular chamber does not warrant that before we kill him, but it might be fun to do on the way out the door. If you have a specific reason you want to get his attention, that's definitely an option.

I think it's best to not right now if we can. What do you guys think? Yeah, I'm not completely sure. Okay. So for now, we are aware that these chalices are here. We're going to come back to them later. We're putting a pin in this. We're going to circle back at our next meeting and we are going to keep

exploring these chambers. What would the listener do? What is the listener screaming at us right now? You are idiots. You're all idiots. What did we forget? What's going on here that we're not getting? This, this could be a non-starter, but I could

also put a poll on Patreon and ask listeners what they think you guys should do if you really want. No, I'm just honestly, you know, sometimes I forget exactly what happened the week before and what the real

thing is. Yeah, I mean, this could be part of a puzzle that you haven is yeah i mean this could be part of a puzzle that you haven't seen yet could be part of a puzzle that involves the corpse you just exploded um it could be a way to torture people it could be a way one of you could live forever if you wanted to go that route but i would say none of you are particularly evil in nature so uh you know the three npcs are all eyeing those things as you explain I should say four NPCs you have so many NPCs with you

our main goal is to kill the archlet yeah kill the king we have his phylactery sometimes I forget these words we destroyed his phylactery which means that now he is able to be killed

by us. So there are other rooms. We took the salivator down here. There's other rooms to explore down here. We don't have to decide this in a second, so let's just go to another area, right? Okay. Yeah. Well, why don't all of you roll an investigation check to figure out

where maybe would be good to head next and see if there's any secret options. My notes were that North was a sarcophagi and torches. East had the most light. We already went there. South had a teeny bit of light. Let's get investigation checks anyway for secrets.

22. 15. Not very good for the leader. I vow to you guys. 60. Yeah. All right. Well, that 22 from Winifred is going to do it.

In addition to you all finding some stuff out about the other chambers before entering them, to you all finding some stuff out about the other chambers before entering them you find there is a secret chamber leading off of the one you are currently in the north wall has very thin uh crack on it when i've read and you trace it with your finger and it looks like if a little bit of a pressure a little bit of pressure is applied the wall might actually move aside. Okay. Cool. Do you do so? Yeah. Pressure it. Pressure it.

Okay. Well, as I put your 22 investigation into action, you press your hand against, it's like, five vertical big stone bricks in the wall that comprise a series of

large stone bricks on the wall. And when you push your hand, one of the rocks just kind of goes in about an inch and the whole thing pulls to the left. And you see a tunnel leading to the north with a torch mounted on the wall.

Zadosh. I like it. Let's go. There's a moment of quiet after the wall, but you do all hear strange noises coming from down the tunnel. Oh, that's not good. Dan, can you remind me who all is here with us? Yes. You have three

and a half NPCs with you. You have Oshinka, a drow assassin of the Violet Fang clan. You have Fizbort, the wizard.

You have Bunk, the halfling fighter. And you have Gus, the pseudo-dragon. I was just thinking, let's ask Koshinka about that before we leave. She both was around for the last campaign

where the guy took on the mantle of the... Right? She was part of that game and she's drow. I feel like maybe that's evil adjacent. Are you asking me about Zestri's paralysis in particular? Yes, I am. Are you affecting my accent now?

Is this some sort of... It happens. You know it happens sometimes when you're talking to people. It just naturally comes out. It definitely seems to happen with the theater people if you see what theater people if uh you see i would love to do some voice work with you at some point and just really get a handle on the on the you know you can give me notes uh yes oh i zoomed in because a stupid roll 20 yeah i'd get away from my face okay the camera's just close okay yes please what is hoshinka you're disgusting. What does Hoshinka think? God, you're disgusting, Porus. Hoshinka thinks that these are three very intriguing paths to immortality.

She seems a little focused on the immortality part and less concerned about the curse part. She does think life ever satisfying is the best of the three. Okay. Yeah, I mean, that's essentially... She's not as worried about it as you guys. She kind of wants to fuck around and find out well okay didn't she just get removed from some weird she's gotten into several really bad situations she has poor impulse control okay all right okay so we're gonna go down this tunnel speaking of poor impulse control where we're hearing word noises? Yeah. Uh-huh. Does somebody want to scout ahead, maybe?

Sure. I will scout ahead. I would, too, or whoever. Who's the sneakiest? Noises! Who is the sneakiest? It's not me. Probably Ronnie.

Ronnie in Shadowstep. Well, there you go. He is, I think, pretty stealthy. I have a plus two to stealth. Oh, yeah. Why don't you Shadowstep into the... I have a plus seven stealth if he doesn't want to do any shadow step. Yeah, it's better than me.

My favorite BG song. I'm clunky. Shadow step in. Do you have like a Heidi shadowy I'm looking? I don't know. I have a high stealth.

High, high, high, high shadowy. Yeah, under features and traits, you might have something that's like... Oh. You have pass without a trace. Yeah, with the shadow arts.

Let's see. And I know I have shadow stepping. Shadow step is kind of like more of an escape plan. Shadow stepping really sounds like a... Shadow stepping. I can't get Bee Gees out of my head. I'm glad you got that a shadow stepping. I can't get Bee Gees out of my head.

I'm glad you got that, but yeah, I can't. Okay, so pass without a trace. So yeah, shadow step would be kind of more of an escape

plan. It would kind of let you kind of bamf in and out of shadows. Not maybe necessarily what you want right now, but

it could come in handy if you step on a twist. I do have pass without a trace somewhere. Pass without a trace, a veil of shadow and silence radiates from you masking you and your companions from detection wow duration for the duration each creature you choose within 30 feet

of you including you as plus 10 bonus to dexterity and stealth check that's crazy and can't be tracked wow yeah so that's he could cast that on all of you. If you all wanted to risk a stealth check, it'll be a plus 10. Ronnie's stealth bonus is a plus 3, so he would go to a plus 13. If anyone has bigger than a plus 3, Ronnie can give all of you Pass Without a Trace.

Yeah, Blaine. Ronnie, would you like to all to go, or do you want to take this one on your own and then come back to us? Uh, well, Ken was going to go, right? Maybe I can just give him.

Oh, OK. He and I. He does have only a plus. I'm only plus two. Yeah, plus three. Does anybody have better? I do think the less roles

we have to do, like we're totally the kind of group that everybody rolls and one person's going to botch. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. History. I will say Friar Jolly sucks at stealth. So he might be like, I'm going to stay behind. I have good stealth, but I don't. I'll go. Okay. Stealthy. What is your stealthy?

Mine's a seven. Oh, wow. Yeah. Holy shit. That's better than me. I just have a 7. Oh, wow. Holy shit. That's better than me. I just have a 3. Plus he gets a plus 10. Yeah, it's an automatic 17. That's delightfully weird. I like it. I'm going to go ahead and gather up

everybody's tokens near the entrance and then if y'all... It tickles. Gross. It's like some sort of magic entrance and then if y'all It tickles. Gross. I just said it tickles. It's like some sort of magic gathering. The idea. Alright.

I need to put Hashinka's token in there for some reason it's not showing up. Can I get a stealth check from anyone going in? It can be just Dr. Ood. If you want to go super stealthy, if you want to go as a group,

someone can join him. I got... We just want him to go. 15 plus 7, 22. With the extra 10s, 32. Jesus Christ. That's not very stealthy at all. I got 20.

17 plus 10. Jesus. Is that with or without the plus 10? No, I heard you, Brian. Brian, is that with or without the plus 10? Oh, without. So you guys rolled a 30 and a 32 on your stealth checks. You glide down the tunnel and reach a small

little clearing with a puddle there are two creatures that are stalking around they walk on two legs but they are covered in thick fur and they have

boar like snouts and tusks gamoran cards are they big they have boar-like snouts and tusks. Gammerian cards. Cute. Are they big? They're pretty big. They're not like much bigger than Queep, but they're big. I said cute.

Oh, excuse me. Let me walk all of that back. They're very tiny. They're big and cute like can keep them as a pet. They're big and cute like you, Brian. Hot-bellied pigs. Hmm. Hmm.

And they're just kind of hanging out up there. It looks like one of them is lapping up the water and making really gross slurping noises. The other one is pacing back and forth in the northwest part of the chamber. I'm scooting your two tokens up so you can get even more sense of what the... the spot you've snuck up to is.

You can sneak in farther. You're getting pretty high stealth check, but I'm going to say you're right there-ish. Should we go back? Should we kill these guys and then go back or go back first and then come in and all kill these guys? Hmm.

Should I peel off and go tell them to come join us? Yeah, do that and I'll keep an eye on these guys. Should I peel off and go tell them to come join us? Yeah. Yeah. Do that. And I'll, I'll keep an eye on these guys or vice versa. Well,

you can shadow, just shadow step right back. Shadow step in. Yeah, that's what I'll do. All right. So, uh,

Ronnie, you, uh, down the tunnel into a small shadow near the entrance of the tunnel. And yeah, you let everyone know that they should come join you. You go ahead and take over what you're saying. We have a couple of

monsters to dispatch, and as the leader, I say, come join me. I'm in. Okay. Everybody else roll stealth check. Doing the monster dispatch. Voila! This is plus 10 or no?

It is plus 10. You all still have best out of trace. Oh, we do? I thought we weren't. Okay, great. He has a choice. You can give it to everybody. There's no reason why he wouldn't give it to everybody.

So it's 26. Okay. Okay. So 15 is the low line at the moment. Rolling one more time for Friar Jolly. He has a disadvantage, unfortunately.

But it's still 15. Yep. Well, his first... Let's see. What's that second one? What's that second number? Come on. A five.

So, yeah, you got 15. It could have been a 28. You guys make it to the edge of the tunnel. You could totally jump these guys, you feel like, if you wanted to. Let's. And at this point, I would also say that because it is sort of like an isolated little area, Friar Jolly would probably offer to just nuke the whole chamber with a fireball. Yeah, let's do that fireball be fun all right so he mutters uh

to himself silver flame roast these pigs and um he brian what is that what are you bringing to the camera what is that it's too close it's a it's a yeti it's something when it brian is something furry and white but hard to see appears on camera i'm gonna be a little nervous yeah because you have white hair get it if it was right if it was red i would be worried with lipstick yeahack that whip. Pull it. All right. So I'm going to roll dex checks for these two guys because they are trying to not get nuked.

They did pretty good. All right. So they don't die completely, but the chamber explodes in a furious blow of flame. I zoomed in, too. Oh, no. And you hear squealing as the pigs are now on fire. They're running in little circles. One of them runs far down the west funnel. Probably smells delicious.

Follow that delicious smell. I would say roll for initiative, but right now you've got them so outnumbered, and you started with the nuke that it's not entirely necessary because they're not really engaging you in combat. So if there's something else that you guys would like to do, please tell me. Move in.

That's going to be my new mantra to like burn alive and then check out the room is that what's going on yeah I kind of want to put them out you feel like you can pick them out off yeah if that's what you wanted who's got uh take murder the misrange weapons crossbow

yeah do it okay so you uh you're gonna pop it so please roll uh just the attack Yeah, do it. Okay. So, you, uh, you're gonna pop it, so please roll, uh, just at the attack. See if this succeeds. 16.

Yeah, I want to, um, I want to take a swing with one of these darts. All right. Uh, well, this, this guy, you managed to launch a bolt in the back of his head, and he drops. The other one, you can hear, is still squealing far down the northwest.

He's not in range unless you chase him. Yeah. And I haven't been there yet, so I can't shadow step back to where he is. No, but you could run around the tunnel and try to. You could come around the bend and try to bamf down as you look down the tunnel. Okay.

I'll do that. I'm going to go after him. Bamf it. You see... Maria Bamford. Right. Voice of the season two, Joop. Joop. Joop.

There is a fork and a weird spectral figure as you peek around the corner. All right. I will move your token. I'll come back and report to my friends. Sure. Did the spectral figure see me? Feels like it was staring right at you with with the eyelets oh jesus yeah i don't like i don't like the way my body just felt you feel like you have

maybe a second to describe what happened before it rounds the corner oh fuck hey you guys uh i think i uh alerted a spectral figure. Yeah. Gave me the creeps and stared right at me. Oh, man. And you said it had R-less holes? Little dollar signs on the holes. Yeah, looks like it's catching.

Yeah, not on HBO Max for some reason, or as the marketing department now calls it, Max. Surprise. One of the weirdest fucking things. To react in some way, or shall I just take over what is happening to you? He'll be coming around the corner. He'll be coming around the corner.

But quick Arliss story when we were... I love an Arliss story when we were... I love an Arliss story. When we were nominated the first time, I believe, for writing on a show that no one saw unless you were in college, HBO's Mr. Show. Ooh. We were at the Emmys,

and we were screaming Arliss the entire night that we were there. We were looking around for the Arliss writers. We kept going, Arliss! And people did not find it amusing. Our dates did. That's my Arliss story. Nice.

Tear down this wall. Well, it sounds like you guys are mostly going to think about the ghost so the ghost now having had a moment rounds to Ben and no sir I don't like it

it is sort of like you're the first person that sort of starts to stare at it just like it floats over sort of gazing at you. I would like to intimidate it. All right. How so as you roll, how would it look? It has to roll a save beep,

beep, beep. Or is it intimidation? Yeah. It has to roll a wisdom saving throw. Wisdom, alright. That'll be a 10. Sounds like a fail to me. Oh, whoops. So it's frightened.

You scared a ghost! Unless it's a ghost that is immune to being frightened, which happens. It doesn't seem to react too much. And it floats about five feet closer to you. Oh, wow.

Alright. Is it a friendly ghost? Yeah, hey, what's up? Is it reacting to us? It's reaching hand out towards Queep i'm backing away and it gestures down the tunnel and points okay hmm towards the frying pigs or where yeah the the crying pig that's still alive yeah that's where it came from i said frying pigs oh Oh. Excuse me. The frying pig. Singular. The other.

Well, the other pig has been dirt. That's my favorite breakfast joint in the valley. Frying pig singular. I'm out of jokes for that one. My brain. Blaine, do you remember the pork store on Haight Street? I was just thinking about the pork store on Haight Street. There was always a line down the block and the food was terrible. Oh, I disagree.

It had been really good. It might have slipped. Okay. There was a high point. I would say 1991, that was the shit in San Francisco. That was the fucking great morning. Now there's a million. There's a lot of great breakfast joints in the city.

But at that point, that was my favorite. I remember I went there. I finally had the money to go there, and I was on a spinach kick. I was like, I'm going to eat spinach whenever I can. And I got eggs Florentine, and there was so much spinach on it that I don't ever want to eat spinach again or think about the pork store. It was just like this mountain of spinach. It's like going to Katz's Deli.

The Dupars spinach and cheese omelet is just like a pile of spinach and I always ask for extra cheese and it's so good. Oh, okay. But I love it. It took all the fun out of my Popeye phase. When DuPars is good,

it's good. I don't like the way spinach makes my teeth feel. I'm so mad about the DuPars that got taken over by Sephora. Yeah, that was bullshit. Yeah. In the valley?

In the valley? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And how does the McDonald's go out of business? That's my question. The McDonald's that was there. Because now it's

in Mendocino Farms. Our listeners love this conversation. It's not hyper-vital. I'm sure. Hey, listeners, have you had McDonald's that was there because now it's in Mendocino Farms. Our listeners love this conversation. It's not hyper-micro. I'm sure. Hey, listeners, have you had a McDonald's go out of business?

I would say a lot of the people that listen to this also enjoy eating. Mendocino Farms in Memphis. I used to eat cold, as a kid, I loved cold out of the can.

What? That sounds terrifying. How many people did you beat up after you said that? I mean, actually a lot. Well, now I put olive oil in the coffee. It's a Starbucks. I forget sometimes that Sarah was my childhood bully. All right.

Well, the ghost gestures down the tunnel, and perhaps you can go check it out on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Sam, what do you think happened to everybody today? All right. Episode 39. We found some giant chalices. Sarah refuses to read what's written on one. We might light the room on fire, which is very us.

We found a tunnel and Blaine went first as he is the most stealthy. And we found a ghost from Arliss. That's my favorite part of the show. He's going to sing Valari with a Hollywood Knights jacket on. Light his farts. That sounds terrible. Did you just eat an orange like an apple?

I ate an apple like an apple. Oh, thank God. Cause that was, that was a bridge too far, Sam. I was like, if he bites into an orange that way,

at least it wasn't farther gone. That would be amazing. He's going to eat some spare ribs, like a bowl of cereal later. Dan, you got anything you want to plug? Sure. On May 11th, I'm going to be on Pop Culture with Jimmy Pardo if you're going to be in LA

it is at the Lyric Hyperion if you're not in LA it will be live streamed every place so you can watch it the other people in the show are Jody Sweet and from Fold House you guys and Hal Rudnick.

Wow. It should be a lot of fun. That'll be fun. Comedy.com. I got, Oh, I've got a, a,

I got Lucha of a boom coming up May 4th and 5th, uh, for, uh, Quattro and Cinco de Mayo. Please come on down. That'll be fun. I've got,

um, a couple of tour dates on brianprostain.com this weekend. I'm out. But then the next thing coming up, I think, is June 13th. I can tell you. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do The 16th of June

I am at the Aladdin Theater in Portland, Oregon with my pal Derek Sheen, Little Baby Legs. Those shows will be fun as shit. He and I,

we did a special there, or I did a special and he opened for me then about five, six years ago. And it's just a magical theater. I'm happy to be back in Portland and I will be eating at Mother's Cafe too.

I can't wait. It's one of those cities where I have all my meals picked up before I go there. Um, and then I've got, uh, pretty much like my favorite places. So I've got San Diego for comic-con with,

uh, my pal, uh, Dan Telfer and my buddy, Johnny Taylor from Sacramento. When I double book, you get the payoff for that. As a viewer, you get to see three headliners together, really, is the show. I was going to say two features and a headliner, but they're all, both those guys

are fucking hilarious and could headline that club and should. But no, it'll be the three of us and the shows are always fun at Comic-Con. Looking forward to that. And then the week after

the end of July there, I'm in Denver with Johnny Taylor again. So please come to, I'm at the Comedy Works, which is maybe the best club in the country or one of them. Definitely of the places where I still do five shows, it's one of my favorites. And then I think, oh, San Francisco in September. So my favorite places. I'll be at Cobb's. Come see me.

Oh, and I can finally announce, I don't have an official date, but I'm so fucking happy. Gromit's, I talked to Rick Rem uh we're uh he's self-publishing through his image uh he has a new image imprint um um i can't remember the the name yet but uh his own company through image and that will be out in september first issue of grommets and i couldn't be more stoked on this. I've been talking about this book for way over a year. And I called him during COVID and said, hey, I want to write a skateboard comic with you. And I think it'll be really cool because we both loved it as teenagers and as kids. And there you know, there's an audience.

And I think people will feel the passion that we had for this and came up with some really cool stories. We took real stories from our lives that these two main characters and Gromits go through. And it's kind of as if Rick and I were friends back then.

We weren't. We didn't know each other but we knew uh you know we had friends like this and and uh so these stories are all real it's from it'll be uh it's real the art is amazing i'm so stoked on it but anyway grommets look for that in september blaine we attribute the success saved mankind for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof well oh uh on the next episode of nerd poker chris returns from his mission to kill baby hitler with a dire warning about mama hitler's black belt in Taekwondo.

All this and clips from Brian's new SiriusXM show. Dude, you're listening to Adele on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.