Nerd Poker - S5E43 Flap Those Mighty Wings

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

A big old evil tunnel leading up to a big old evil door. The time has come for vanquishing evil many campaigns in the making. Will they set it all on fire?  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season 5! Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Nerd Poker.

It's episode 43. My friends are here. Look at them. Hey, Chris. Brian, it's so great to see you. What's up, pal? You good? Blaine. Oh, Chris. Brian, it's so great to see you. What's up, pal? Good. Blaine.

Oh, hi, Brian. I heard you come in this time. Sarah. Hi, hello. How are you? I'm all right. How are you? Same as episode 42 or a little different?

Me or you? Oh, I'm the same. You. I'm doing the same. You. I'm doing the same. Exactly. Nice. Ken.

Hi, Brian. How are you, friend? I'm okay. Been to Disneyland lately? Yes. I'm always at Disneyland. When? When were you? When was the last time?

Last week. Last week. That's some delicious coffee. He's taking roads for his fucking 14th birthday next week. 14. Can you even fucking believe it? I remember when that was. You guys haven't seen him. He's like a foot taller

than you guys have seen him. My daughter is 15 and she is five foot 10. It's the weirdest thing. Having young people as your, as your children. It's really weird. Dan.

Oh, hi. Hello. I'm all right. I guess. Nice. Speaking of young people, there he is

America's favorite young person Sam everybody hello sweet children I'm 39 that's not young you and Jack Benny compared to grandpa when do you turn 40 April 16th next year

you just turned 39 so the precipice looms wide before you yep 40 is even worse it's all downhill sam that's not true great great all downhill hell limb pain shitting in your pants wait i feel so yeah when i when i think i feel young i mean like 36 i feel like i'm 36 like i can go down steps two at a time maybe two or three steps so great sam you don't look a day over 30 your soul seems well over 90 but yeah you don't look a day over 30. Your soul seems well over 90, but yeah, you don't look a day over 30. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Have fun. Oh, you will. Speaking of thanking people,

that's the hardest segue ever written. Oh my gosh. First of all, I want to thank that fart that came out of Brian's mouth a second ago. Second of all, I want to thank our Patreon supporters who, at the upper tiers, not only keep the lights going, but keep us from just,

you know, gazing into the abyss. So thank you so much to supporters like old bag. Oh, holding exclamation point. Thank you. Old bag of holding. Thank you,

sir. Arthur, the bearded bringer of the pixel. Thank you. Micah Purdue. Thank you. Queeps. Holy clo pixel. Thank you Micah Perdue. Thank you, Queeps Holy Cloaca. Thank you, Matt Weans.

Thank you, Ronnie's Raiders is screaming Choral Quartet. So four people are screaming on behalf of Ronnie. That's what I took away from that. Thank you, Michael Downing. Thank you, Digby Dogs Hot Diggity Dog, Dog Dickel Depot Dildo District Adjacent.

Don't forget, Blaine on the last episode expanded the Dildo District universe into the Butt Plug District. Thank you, Salmon Ramen's Salmon Ramen and Topless Gym. Thank you, Totus Emptor. Thank you, Kilt Bill. Thank you, The Electric Bear. Thank you, Milt Bill. Thank you, The Electric Bear. Thank you, Manny Bothans. Thank you, Brandon Blackburn, Alderman, 71st Ward, a dildo district.

Thank you, Prop Meat. Thank you, and Sam was the sweetest child of all. Thank you, Dang Wayne Halfstep. Thank you, Ronnie Yen's Night School for Natural Born Leaders. All right. There you go. There's a reference, right? Yeah.

Thank you, Old Portland Stew. Thank you, Steinmetz Pianos Requires Attunement. Thank you, Bryce Spider Lisser. Thank you, Randy Butternubs. Thank you, David Blaine Kapach Adams. And finally, thank you, King Dong versus Wang Zilla, the battle for the king of the monster cocks. Yeah.

Shout out to Jerry Duggan. Hey, Blaine. Is it probably like a fucking 10-year-old reference at this point? It's going up there. The podcast has been around for about 20 years, more than 20 years now. 10 years? I don't know. Who knows? It's an old reference.

Blaine, will you talk out some stuff at me? Oh, of course, Dan. Patreon Sports brought to us by Nashville Hot Anusol. Let your tender asshole know who's boss. Nashville Hot Anusol. Jillian your tender asshole know who's boss. Nashville Hot Anusol. Jillian's Discount Brazilians.

We pass the shavings on to you. Jillian's Discount Brazilians. And don't forget the Oh! Promotional consideration for those Patreon supporters brought to you by

the Mafia. Nothing breaks into Blaine's place, knocks him unconscious and impersonates him on a podcast like the Mafia. Hehehe. Dan? Whoa, what kind of shit did Blaine get into? It was like a Mercury Theater

presentation. He's been betting on... On the horsies? No, on... Turtles? Something. Black. I'm always betting on black. I know. What's up, Snipes? Apparently.

Have we not learned? I feel like when he got arrested for tax evasion, I stopped taking financial advice from Wesley Snipes. But yeah, yeah, yeah. Fed on black sometimes, I guess. The reference he's making is not just a gambling or roulette. I don't know if you guys caught on that.

But it is now time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Winifred stuck her hand in some magic water and that's some real fucked up shit now but more importantly narratively speaking ronnie's raiders are walking down the final pathway towards the arch lich who's making some dealings with some demons and stuff so what could possibly go wrong we now take it ronnie'siders are already in progress. So you guys are heading north down a cavern, and yeah, you can, you know, hop from sort

of land to land, but in an effort to scout what's ahead, you've discovered there is something necromantic about the water that is flowing between the little patches of land ahead. Necromantic?

Yeah, necromantic. Yeah. Necromantic. A new dark comedy starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. I like it. We're not allowed to write it because of the strike. We're not allowed to talk because of the strike.

Let's cross this river. Okay. Ronnie, you want to lead us? Sure. I'll take the lead on that. All right, Ronnie. So what you're going to want to do

is, and I'm dragging your token up uh so you are now with everybody else but uh you will want to be either jumping or like shadow stepping depending i'm assuming you want to be as safe as possible yes yeah okay well if you like you can just simply shadow step then and go boom boom and sort of scout ahead I will bamf bamf ahead yes Alan Cumming was a great badass motherfucker

I agree that was very cool wasn't he good I was excited he was fucking so good and then you know that whole universe fell apart because Bryan Singer is trash but like I really was like like I hope they bring you know, that whole universe fell apart because Bryan Singer is trash, but like, I really was like, I hope they bring Nightcrawler to the MCU

and I hope it's the do-do place, Chidi on the good place. But yeah, yeah, yeah. My favorite X-Man. Anyway, you bamf ahead a couple of times and you can tell this only goes on for a little while, Ronnie. So I'll open the map up so you can kind of see um what it looks like you don't have to roll anything because your shadow

stepping um and i'll try to not take up too much of the podcast time having everyone roll a thousand boat side climbing athletics checks as queep tries to carry people around. But, um... Remember? Back in the day? There is one of those patches of rock with fissures of glowing blue magic sticking right up out of the water

ahead. But the path bends left and right a bit to the north and then finally starts to curve back to the west. And the water appears to stop flowing. Stop flowing. Yeah. And it kind of starts flowing down into a blackened tunnel to the north.

Why does it do that? Why does any cave formation happen? Maybe God is angry and he wants to punish us, but it seems that it is just where the water flows up towards the north off the map. Got it. Okay.

Hmm. Continue to follow? Well, everyone can follow you, but I just will throw one more thing at you uh you look ahead there is a big chasm ahead oh boy um you can see it's about like you know 25 feet across um you might be able to shadow step across but it's definitely uh going to be more trickiness does the path continue on the other side?

It seems like. It seems like there's a couple of chambers, if not one chamber ahead for Mr. Ronnie to deduce. Yeah. Mr. Yen. How do I get my friends to follow me? I mean, you can go cacaw, cacaw down the tunnel and

let them know to keep going, and then they will be rolling at least a check. Is that you? We can do long jumps. Is that something you can gift everybody, long jumps? No, it's just a thing. Oh, like athletic? If you move 10 or more feet,

you can jump the number of feet equal to your strength score so yeah you can um you can all long jump if it's equal to your strength and so ahead there is a five foot uh jump at most in three spots so i believe it does that just mean if everyone's strength is five chris yes and we need 10 feet of running start which i think we have that looks like you have the first time you do not have it the second and third time all right okay like the second and third time there's really only about well it's not true there's only once you get eight you get eight feet of running ahead and then after that

you get ten alright well I'm flying I will give it to you that there are two of these three expanses that you can easily hop over because you are all strong heroes Gus of course will flit across the other two

NPCs I'm going to shadow step ahead and then uh and then offer encouragement for my friend you can do it rob schneider um so i i would never ever want to do a rob schneider impression i don't i i know why exactly why you would say that so um here's the trick per per chris uh helping me remember this long jump thing which i vaguely remember but i i know is in the player handbook so you can all make it across the first and the third little expanse here but and i'm gonna ping exactly what i'm talking about if you look at the map there is this one expanse here, and I'm going to ping exactly what I'm talking about. If you look at the map, there is this one expanse. It's not

super hard, but it's five feet of water across, and you've only got about eight feet of run-up to it. So what I'm going to say is if everybody can just do... If you're not a flyer and you're not trying to have Queep carry you or something, can everyone...

Yeah. I get what you're saying i do have levitate but i've already touched the water so i will try to do the jumping but it doesn't really i feel like it doesn't matter for me but if someone is not confident and needs help i could cast levitate on you oh i'm shy you have wings though also so not. Not you. If you get Levitate, if you're casting Levitate on everybody? I can't. Okay.

I'll happily be levitated. I'm a big guy covered in metal. Yeah, he would be in a little bit of a tricky spot, I think. I'm going to say Gus to uh give you moral support as well on the edge of the cavern so you've got a whole cheering section over there um so if if

you could all roll and this is going to be very likely to succeed but if you could all roll an athletics check with advantage am i am i levitating you, Farajali, or are you doing this first? This is up to... I'll take levitation wherever I can get it. Okay, I'm going to have to cast a spell to do it. Okay. Alright. So you're fine. Okay, thank you.

But if everyone else can... Which is basically Dr. Urid and Rania. If you two and the NPCs can roll athletics checks with advantage. And me, right? And you, yes, I'm sorry. I forgot that you were also levitating. But if you could do athletics check with advantage,

and all you have to do is beat an eight. Well, I didn't. You have a plus eight already, you're set. Okay. I got a five with my bonus so i got a 20 and a 24 i got a 25 as i'm concentrating on the levitate spell for friar jolly i go it's all for you friar and then i fall into the water i guess oh no oh no both the npcs make it how about you other two nerds

about you other two nerds ronnie's got a 20 24 24 hot damn blaine what do you got 25 all right sarah so yeah you rolled super low and unforge you're you know it's not a far distance but um you do like get straight up to your calves in water as you're trying to jump across that uh expanse well i already was communicating so yeah i mean down the down the line back to him and uh would you like to try to see if he hears you no i clamor out of the water okay okay so you guys all make it to the other side and there is now a chasm uh expanding ahead of you that is at the very least eight feet wide just a little bit too far. Well, Prior Jolly still has Levitate, so I wonder if we can... Can I climb on his back and he just pushes off the wall to get to the other side?

Oh, fun! I would have him do a much easier check. Because I think the trick with Levitate is, um, you do need the momentum. Yeah. You have to push it across. Like you can't, you have to push off. So, uh, it would be like, it would be a super simple, actually. I think, um, no, I will, I'll give it to you.

It's not, it's not a wide enough gap that I should make you run a check if you're pushing off. Okay. It's 500 pounds. So not sure how much you with your mail plus me, but I think it should be okay. I am. That should be fine because my weight carried is 119. I think for our jollies, probably probably about 200 pounds maybe a little bit more but i mean we have how big are you winifred um i don't know let's say one she's probably i think you're really close together yeah it's gonna be it's

gonna be tight okay why don't we i will have you, I will have you roll. I will have you roll. So this is going to be, um, for you two together. Excuse me. Just in tight. Cat tail right up the nostril. We'll do that to you. Can you, um,

choose who's doing the pushing off, do an athletics check, uh, with advantage. You have to beat a 10. Uh, are you fairly have to beat a 10. Are you fairly athletic, Winifred? Am I fairly

athletic? I have a 2 bonus for mine. Oh, actually, though, it says that I can use my action to move the target of the spell. Oh! Okay. Well, I will

tell you what. I am going to give it to you in the name of coolness so we can stop worrying about it. And as you get across, you get a sense that this kind of opens up a bit and I'm not going to quite

show it on the map but like it looks like the my cat loves this part it looks like it's probably going to be two pads that reconnect around a sort of central large division in the tunnel but it kind of

opens up a little bit wraps around a little bit I don't like the look to them blue crystals down there opens up a little bit, wraps around a little bit. I don't like the look to them blue crystals down there. Oh, you know what? Can I get an insight check from Dr. Uwud and

Kweep? 16 plus 8? 24. 19. 14 plus 5. 16 plus 8 24 19, 14 plus 5 alright, both of you recognize these blue crystals as crystals that can slowly transform people, they are from another

plane of existence and they can cause people to become beholder-like oh, I remember that shit. Well, we kind of gave somebody a blue crystal at some point. Things went very badly.

It was fine. Blue Fox restaurant. We've replaced the black coffee at the Blue Fox restaurant. We've replaced the black coffee at the Blue Fox with these glowing crystals. Let's see if anybody can remember this commercial. That's funny.

Alright, so I am going to try to keep moving tokens for everybody. I know you're probably all like, when will Dan make us stop going down these tunnels? But I really am trying to convey tunnels. And finally, my cat's taking a poop.

He just for like an hour before he poops, he marches around announcing the poop is on its way. And he like, make sure everybody knows who does it. I know. That's why I'm not allowed in the Galleria which Galleria you name it 47 minutes 47

46 46 Ronnie you can shadow step across the only thing that is shadow step in just want to tell me how you're gonna get across dr hood brian loves the pgs you guys oh uh you know i'm gonna i'm gonna turn into uh something with wings oh so you may just manage to fly across I am going to just make the NPCs roll the jump jump jump might as well

crisscross will make you oh boy cross cas will make you when it's backward pants with your pockets they both go to to jump. At my house, it is. And they come up short.

So if I can have everybody roll an athletics check to try to grab their hands. Ooh. Oh, yeah. All right. Ronnie's in. 14 plus 7? 21. One person's in. 14 plus 7? 21. One person gets grabbed.

10 plus 7, 17. One person gets grabbed. Eight. Wait. I'm confused. Okay. Hold on. I'm going to read your roll.

I'm right here. I'm right here. Fucking a bunch of things. I got your athletics check. It's not good, right? Nope. Okay, good. We had one person beat a 20. We had Dr. Ued

beat a 20. Dr. Ued, please roll evens or odds any dice to see which of the two NPCs' hands you're grabbing. We're going to say Hoshinka is evens and we're going to say Fizzbort is odds.

I would like to jump into action. It's evens. Alright, you reach out and grab the drow assassin Hoshinka's hand in the last second. Fizzbort smacks his chin against the edge.

You hear a crack as he goes unconscious, and you see him start to roll backwards into the cavern. I'm going to fly down to grab him. That's the sound of my cat trying to knock dishes over. So if I can get an athletics check with a difficulty of 20 to try to zip ahead of gravity. Ooh, that's a 20. Oh, you grab him under the armpits.

He is unconscious and he has taken some damage, but you managed to swoop down and grab Fizbort and deliver him to the other side of the cavern. Fantastic. While this has all been happening, Gus flits a little bit around the corner to try to scout ahead for everybody and informs you that there is a large door

ahead with a glowing gem on it. Gem on it! He's like, ah, seems like it's got something important behind it. It's probably the big asshole. Oh, I forgot I was going to check that boulder back there across the chasm.

I'll say you would have learned about the same thing that you got from reaching back into your memory and realizing what you did about them causing beholder-like effects. Oh, okay. I am going to reveal on the map everything up until the door with the gem on it.

There are outcroppings of crystals. How pretty. Very pretty. What would you like to do? Enjoy how pretty very pretty what would you like to do enjoy how pretty it is shall we investigate that gem door I will let everyone choose if you would like to examine it you're going to have to tell me if you're touching it

and you're going to have to tell me if you want to be rolling an arcana check to know it's magical properties or an investigation check to know its physical properties. I mean, I think Winifred's probably just like touching the gem up and down. Yeah, I'm definitely caressing the gem.

Just rubbing her face on the door. Yeah. Investigate. Brian, what will you be rolling? What was I supposed to roll? Investigation? Or Arcana. Let me just say I rolled a three.

I rolled a ten on Arcana. Creep, you get kind of itchy and you want to just preen for a little bit. Oh, yeah. I don't want to. I'm not going to touch the door. So if that means I don't get a check, then.

No, no, you don't have to touch it all. I'm just wanting to like, you know, functionally if you're touching. OK, Dan, I just want to let listeners know Ken did lick his arm when I said that Creep was preening.

Ew. Dan, I was investigating an outcropping of crystals and I rolled a one and I think they look marvelous. Well, I'll get to you last because that sounds really fun to fuck

with you about. What did you get, Chris? 18 arcana all right there is a magical lock on this door um you do think that it could be magically manipulated but you also think someone is probably listening on the other side and that there might even be a side effect to magically unlocking it. Well, looks like this door's impenetrable. Better go home, everybody. Clock, clock, clock, clock, clock, clock, clock.

Ronnie, it looks like his player has walked away briefly, but he had rolled a 10 on Arcana, so he's not going to learn anything different from Dolly. Chris already pulled out the Foley stuff for the... The coconuts. What does Hashinka think? Oh,

you're right. Hashinka gonna think she's gonna roll an investigation check because she is not magically inclined. Ooh, she gets your highest investigation check. She gets an 18. So she thinks that there are definitely

spooky things about this door. And even though she is an adventurous sort, she is not willing to touch it with her hands. Seems like it's definitely trapped. And yeah, Ronnie, you rolled a little bit lower arcana

than fire jolly so you don't pick anything new up although um fire jolly is getting prepped to to have the door react when you guys try to do something to it and um blaine you're investigating crystals and you rolled a one can i have you roll a 100 please i'd love to dan okay 28 okay you just uh unintentionally realize you take way too sharp a breath in through your nose while you're really close to the crystals and you kind of... You just feel a few little particles get up your nose a little bit. It doesn't feel great. Nothing happens right now.

Oh, no. Not good. Good thing we avoided that one. Woo! Not me. I'm going to turn into a crystal in a couple of minutes. Not a couple of minutes. I'll definitely make it more dramatic and unfortunate than that if I do anything. If I do anything.

Will I do anything? I don't know. What did Dan have on a little dice table? It's impossible to say. Cut to me hosting the Oscars. I'm going to keep doing crystal jokes. So as we know, I can do what I did to get us in here, which is that knock spell. But I mean, he's already said that it might have a trap attached to it.

And you also think there is an archlet just like hanging out a few feet away. We're ready to meet him. We're done with all this. No more pussyfooting around. Yeah. I was looking for the funniest word in the world. Kick some ass! It does say,

if you choose a target that is held shut with an arcane lock, then the spell is suppressed for 10 minutes. So, yeah. But it's up to you guys if you want me to cast it. There'll be a loud knock. We're definitely just going to be like,

hello. They already know we're here anyway. We've been talking to his plant friends. I mean, you took a bath in the... Yeah, he's already looking at... What's going on, River? He's watching me do it. So do you want me to do it... What's going on, River? He's watching me do it. So do you want me to do it?

What's going on, River? What a silly goose. So, yeah? Knock it. Okay. Knock it up. Where are you standing when you cast knock? Can you show me where you're standing when you cast knock? Well, due to your question, I'm going to go ahead and stand 59 feet away from the door.

Oh! What a specific number. I'm feeling very close to the door, too. Oh, 59! I think I'll probably join you. All right, so let's see. If I bust the old Roll20 ruler out out um oh yeah sorry here's the trick you can't see the door unless you're within 45 feet okay i'll stand as far basically as far as

possible while still this is right right next to queep basically right about here yeah oh i'm inside a rock hold on yeah one more down one more down that'll be the farthest way you can get and uh as you as you all kind of line up i would say all the npcs are like oh yeah let's just back it up a little bit and uh ronnie i'm dragging you back there as well uh dr uid dragging you back there um you you cast knock there is a loud um sort of pop as you do so that has become familiar to all of you when this spell is cast the area around the door begins to fill with a pink mist oh boy um it it sort of hangs in the air for a, but it's far enough away that it doesn't affect any of you. I'll ping on the map where it is,

but it's about like 40 feet away right here where the pink mist starts to fall off. Does it seem like biological? Like some sort of like a fungus thing? No, it seems like some sort of magic dust. Mm-hmm. Does it seem to be like a native of the

Feywild, perhaps? What an interesting question. Why do you ask that again, Friar Jolly? Well, you know, Valak's transported the whole castle over to the Feywild, and a lot of these plants and things seem to be sort of

effects of that time there, that kind of magic. Is this part of that plant shit? It could be. You should talk to that mist. Oh, yeah. Can you... Does Dr. Dr. Huey-Uid... Huey-Uid? Huey-Uid. oh yeah can you this doctor dr huey ewan huey ewan

yeah can you talk to the plant or whatever i'd love to excuse me mist pardon me mist uh the mist does not seem to have a sentience to it, but the plant is nearby. Just like the King Crimson song. Talk to that plant. Yeah, I'm going to talk to it. I'm going to find a plant. Okay. Hey, planty. Hey, what

an interesting chamber. What is going on here? What can you tell me about where we are? It's been a long time since anyone's touched the pinkness. Yeah, tell me about it. I've been married for 17 years. I'm kidding. I love my wife. Where does the pinkness come from? The door. The door. How long has the door been come from? The door. The door.

How long has the door been here? Thousands of years. Okay. Do you know what's behind it? Have you ever seen anybody going in or out? We are not allowed in there, but we have seen people go in and out. We just saw God pass right through. When was that?

Was that recently? We don't know how time works, but it seems like it was just a moment ago. Okay. And God, can you describe this God to me? Of course. He's about as tall as two of you. His skin seems tauter on his face than yours.

There are glowing sort of vacuums where your eyes are. He wears a nice hat. Hat, you say? Hmm. It's more of a fashion comment than something that is functional to your dungeon adventure. What's going to happen with the mist? I mean, did you establish what happens with the mist? He didn't really ask.

I'm waiting. Hey, have I established what happens with the mist? He didn't really ask. I'm waiting. Hey, have I established what happens with the mist yet? No. Can you help me establish what happens with the mist? What does the mist do? It changes those who touch it. No. In what way do you think?

They don't look the same anymore. They look like they're from another place. We've never seen that kind of being elsewhere except inside the pink mist. Hmm. And how long does the pink mist hang out? For a while.

We don't remember how time works. Do you know where it goes or where it came from? It comes from the door. It stays and then it falls. So it's like a trap that came out of the door. You can blow it away with something maybe.

Magic wind. Yeah. Wraps the mighty wings of a barbarian. I'm looking. Hang on. Do I have. Is this the only place where the mist is? Yep.

Okay. I have to get closer to. Oh, shoot. Yeah, that's only 10 feet away. Could I get within 10 feet of the mist without getting into the mist? You could try. Okay, I'm going to try. And then I'm going to press to digitate.

That's hard to say with my liners in. I'm going to press to digitate a puff of wind to just, you know. Great. Okay. Can I get an Arcana check? Sure. know great okay can i get an arcana check sure that's an 11 okay so you managed to blow a path through the pink mist but it still hangs thick in the air okay and i'm going to draw yeah i'm going draw a line. It does poof back a little bit towards you,

but you got a high enough arcana check that it doesn't smack you in the eyes or anything. Oops. It's hard to draw. I'm going to try. But like, kind of like this is the path you have carved. I'm drawing kind of like the two sides of the

path so it's you know like you got a nice kind of like is it still moving towards us no it's hanging in the air okay feels like it might hang for a while but you moved it powerful either to dispel it or to

um you can maybe try but yeah i don't know what else to do there is about a five foot wide path through that um um queep would have a little bit of difficulty getting through, but the rest of you, I think if you were careful, wouldn't have to roll. You just have to kind of walk carefully up to the door. What if Queep, can you flap your mighty wings? Try and push that breeze even further. Sure.

Okay. Why don't you do an athletics check, Queep? One of your specialties. I'll say. Your mighty wings. That's a 17. Yeah, you managed

to kind of set up a little bit wider. You think you can fit there. Okay. Let's run up to the door and kick it open and go in and attack whatever's in there and the door seems like it should be unlocked and uh the path is clear that you don't have to roll to walk up to it let's go so you all head up the door is you know about 15 feet wide big uh pink gem in front of it is gone now that you're close enough to get a good look at it it seems like it became the mist at least for a moment

do you open the door yes it sounds like it so you one of you you can choose we'll place a hand on it yes mage hand all right you place thege hand's open palm on the door, and it just sort of pops out of existence. Once it lands, and you see ahead of you a large golden table with a skeleton splayed out on it. Oh. There is a few steps down into a greater chamber ahead, and it seems the chamber stretches to the left and to the right as well.

Shall we, uh... Are there lights in there? I mean, the whole room seems... Not that I need any, I have dark vision, but... The whole room seems lit by magic emanating from down the stairs. There's sort of cascades of blue and pink light coming

from downstairs. From below. From below. Ken? Carefully stick my head in there. Alright. As you put good, there are large golden magic

rods sticking out. And you can kind of see there are two more tables. The room is circular. There are two more skeletons splayed out on golden tables.

Okay, I'm going to lick the traps. I'm not going to get down. I'm not going to lick any traps. Oh, no. I was going to read what happens.

Okay. Should we get a look at those skeletons without touching them, maybe? Of course. Everyone do a

quick investigation check. Investigate skeletons. Oh. 10. Natural 20 plus 3, 23.

How did my cat take its second massive dump in like an hour? Stop announcing your cat's dumps. There have been three mentions so far. He's radicalized me into talking about it. I hate talking about it. Well, his litter box is too close.

That's Patreon content. I need a bigger apartment. My apartment is too small. The cat owns everything. Sounds like he ate it jack in the litter box. Right. Totally right.

Right. Right. Okay. Well, your leader, Ronnie, rolled the highest. So as we all examine it, Ronnie, this is something that you can kind of tell. The skeletons look like they are laid out in some sort of sacrificial fashion it looks like they are placed here to have some sort of energy drained from them there are runes that seem to very

lightly pulse around the edges of the skeletons and it looks like the skeletons are slowly sort of sinking into the golden tables it's kind of like each of these are a body that is powering something that has been slowly drained over the course of many years. Maybe at some point they'll need to be replaced. It's difficult to tell, but it looks like they are some sort of battery that is being sucked

into the golden tables. Oh, okay. We want to pull those batteries out, maybe. Mm-hmm. Do you want to mage hand? See if the mage hand can move them? Should we check out the whole room first and see if there's

some kind of thing in the middle? Yeah, if you pace around, you definitely feel like you have to be careful. I'm going to not make you roll, but you have to be careful I'm going to not make you roll but you have to be careful or somebody down below can see you pacing around

well I can make the mage the mage hand can only lift 10 pounds but it might be able to push the skeleton off the table I don't know this is the most I'm going to give you without making you roll a bunch of like stealth checks um but you kind of pace around the it opens up there's there's more chambers to the north and south as the circular room sort of continues what are those things are those markings in in the floor or that look like they're radiating out into the hallways?

Markings in the floor radiating in the hallways. Do you mean like the gold lines? Yeah. It looks like there are some sort of inlaid raised lines in the floor that go into those other chambers. Yeah. I mean, if these are batteries

and Scully is standing in the center, then, in theory, these are all things giving him power, right? Yeah. If we start blowing things up indiscriminately, it just might work. if we start blowing things up indiscriminately it just might work

what I'm hearing is light it up you guys light it up yeah I'm thinking we start lighting shit up time to pour oil on everything and toss a match that's the nerd poker way no what are you doing can we keep walking around and see if this thing, see if there's a pattern to this?

The stealth checks are going to start happening, and you're really going to test the boundaries of what is possible without engaging in final boss combat. Ronnie, do you want to quietly snoop around a bit? Yeah. Yeah, you can shadow step around the whole room. What do you want to do, Ronnie? Do you want to try to get around the whole room, or do you want to explore those chambers breaking off to the north and south? Yeah, explore them.

North or south, you pick. North. All right, roll a stealth check, please. 12 on that one. Okay. Okay. You kind of poke your head around the north chamber, just towards the north chamber, and you see that there is some sort of altar

and another chamber that'll open up to the left. However, kind of as soon as you step to the edge of this chamber, you hear a grunting from the chamber to the left. And a voice says that is not Valix.

Hmm. And then you hear a snort. What would you like to do? Stealthily go back to my pals and tell them what it said. Sure, stealth check. Let's get a stealth check. Oh, shit. Way lower, even.

As you walk back, you hear a loud uh snoring can i fart sure yeah yeah ronnie just kind of toots on the way back and it's like one of those long ones like in that tiktok where like people play it to try to make it sound like they're farting and get their partner's reaction so just like this ronnie's a stealthy guy so there would have to be some kind of fuck up for him to not yeah as ronnie farts his way back i going to have all of you roll an insight check to see if you know exactly what he encountered. Oh, boy. I feel like I got an idea. It snorted and said, that's not Valens.

That's what I tell them. I rolled a six. I have no idea. Again, there's just some great feather dandruff you'd like to kind of... I got a 20. Not natural. Okay. What was that? Investigation? Yes, and I do feel like Tallman might know what this is

whether or not Friar Tally does. Oh, 23. Okay. Nice. Winifred and Dr. Ued have a strong sense that Ronnie just got the attention of Orcuscus the Demon Lord, who is perhaps just around the corner. Oh.

Oh. That's good, right? He's famous. And we'll have to see... In the love chamber. What happens regarding Orcus and Valix on the next episode of Nerd Poker?

Long rest, long rest. I feel like there's gonna be... I feel like there's gonna be no more chances for long rest that's what i feel like sam what do you think happened today sure episode 43 there's a door with a gem in it uh there's some crystals dr wood snorted some by accident winifred's gonna knock in the door the door has a pink mist behind it now dr wood is asking a plant what the mist does and winifred blew a path through mist. Queep used his giant bird arms

to blow the mist back. There's golden skeletons waiting inside for us they're batteries and there's a grunting voice talking to us and Ronnie tooted and we woke Orcus. Yep Dan you got anything you want to plug? Yeah I'm going to start walking north into the woods

I've got a documentary crew that's going to follow me and see what happens. The new Bigfoot. Just tell me you've got nothing to plug. No. The haunted woods, right? Not just the regular woods you're going to walk into. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The haunted woods at the edge of town. Everyone here is going to do something like that. Brian, if I announce I don't have any plugs, what are people going to think? Right. What are you going to think? Right. What are you up to, Brian? You'll be with me at Comic-Con. Mm-hmm. Oh, I will be doing stand-up.

Sure. Four shows there. Yes. With Johnny Taylor. That's going to be fucking solid shows. And then I've also got Portland coming up before that with Derek Sheen. I've got, oh, Denver Comedy Works coming up with Johnny Taylor also. And those are always, I mean, those Denver shows are always killer.

always, I mean, those Denver shows are always killer. Then I've got San Francisco, uh, in the fall and a couple of places in the Midwest, like Grand Rapids. I'm coming back to Grand Rapids. And then my favorite club in Chicago, Beat Kitchen. I've got a date, uh, the end of September there, brianposain.com for tour dates. And then I will also be at various places around the Valley with a writer's strike thing in my hand and yelling stuff. Solidary with the writers. And I'm actually part of the union. Occasionally.

Uh, Blaine. We attribute the success to save mankind from the dead. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well, Hey, on the next Nerd Poker,

Blaine wakes up in the hospital. He don't know what the hell happened. All this and his passwords. Get the Delvecchio family into the Chase Bank hard drives on the next NerdPoker. Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker. You can follow us

at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.