Nerd Poker - S5E44 Vallux

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

Time for everyone to fight the evil lich king we have heard about for 4 years! This is fine. Everything's fine. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five.

Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. It's episode 44. My friends are here. Look at them. One of these days, we're going to be in person again. We've talked about it. So, and Sam got his equipment together.

So, things are coming together. It's going to happen. It's going to be so great. So many hugs. Dan's here. Dan gets the biggest hug. Oh, it's because I'm large. I like it that way.

And you probably like it the least. Who likes hugs the most? That's not true. Oh, you like hugs? Come on. Why would I not like hugs? What's wrong with you? I like hugs the least.

Okay. I haven't been hugged yet. All right. Sarah gets the biggest hug. There she is. Oh, no. Hi. You get double hugs.

Oh, God. Double hugs, get double hugs. Oh, God. Double hugs, Guzardo. Plains here. I like huge hugs because you can't spell huge without hug. It's true. Actually, I bristle a little. Chris is here. Hi.

I love prom hugs when someone gets behind me and just squeezes. Yeah. I love real hugs. I don't like half-ass hugs. Yes. But I like really grabbing somebody and lifting them up and letting them feel like a pretty lady. Yeah. Kick them right over.

Kick their feet out. Ken is here. I like a nice wet hug. Oh, God. Moist hug. Yeah. Get all nice and wet. Ken is here I like a nice wet hug Oh god Moist hug Yeah Get all nice and wet And hug

Get a little squish in there Speaking of wet hugs On the chase On the chase On the chase Sam is here Hey Hello sweet children

How you doing dude Good You're I never noticed this before But I've been watching a lot of old south parks and your uh your greeting now reminds me of chef oh okay chef was a character i'd kind of forgotten about on south park he's been gone for 15 20 years he was the first guy canceled yeah he was i was telling roads that we Rhodes that because we started watching him from the beginning.

He actually saw the movie first. Rhodes saw... Nice. Yeah, the South Park movie, Bigger, Longer, Crazier, whatever. But... But chef... You have the chef greeting.

Oh. Well, great. I'm a Scientologist, too. He says something close to that. He goes, hello, children. But he doesn't say sweet children. But ramen, doing good? He is.

He's asleep under the covers, but he's all wrapped up. Mavis and Wiki are right here. Oh, good. Doing their version of a yin and yang symbol. My snake shit in his water bowl. Fun.

Yeah. That's my favorite Infectious Grooves album. I was going to say that really sounds like a euphemism or something. I think snake poop would be funnier

but it's not. Cool. Let's do episode 44 and all that that entails. Oh, fancy. Well, well, well. Let's go from discussing the tiny mouse skeletons floating in Blaine's snake water and thank some of our Patreon supporters. Oh, I killed two toilet rats in my swimming pool

this week by the way oh i didn't know you used your swimming pool as a toilet no but i just any rat now is a potential toilet rat i don't see rats as ratting rats anymore i see rats as potential toilet rats that's smart and uh so you killed them or they were dead because they were in the pool they got murdered by the pool okay i thought you said i thought you killed them or they were dead because they were in the pool? They got murdered by the pool. Okay. I thought you said, I thought you killed them, which would be. No. Interesting.

No. They just fell in. I saved one. I saved one twice, actually. I pulled him out and then he wound up dying. I think because his friend had died a couple of days before. Definitely thought that you said you saved one, that you meant you saved its corpse.

No, no. No, I mean, I... You saved it from the pool. I saved it from drowning. I happened to be in there. I happened to be in there, and I hear this plop, and then I look over and see this panicky rat. Like...

And I grabbed him and tossed him out, and then he dried off. I'm doing listeners don't get to see my cute imagery. You know, they even have cute little paws. He's doing this to get himself dry. And then he fucking ran back in again. Like bees do that shit. Like I say bees all the time and then they'll fucking just jump back into the pool.

Anyway, bees, toilet rats. He was training. bees all the time and then they'll fucking just jump back into the pool. Anyway. Toilet rats. He was training. Buy our t-shirt with the toilet rat on it. Dan? Have we finished designing that yet? I'm looking forward to it. We got one coming.

You'll love our final Patreon supporter that I pulled for this week's thanks because they're on the same topic. Thank you! Thank you to our Patreon supporters, some of which may have also noticed Blaine's wet leg reference that he made

a few minutes ago. You go by usernames like Zach Clerk. Thank you, Zach Clerk. Oh yeah, that's a band people like. It is. Not the show's lounge wet wet leg uh thank you ben thank you the candle maker thank you immortan gerb thank you mark thank you megatron's merkin thank you sarah's massive wookiee porn collection reference to something no i think, EvilLyn's BedroomPersonaGoodDick.

Oof. I don't know what that means, except that it's He-Man related, and we have had some Skeletor running jokes. Thank you, RidgeCarpenter. Thank you, TeachersTalkingTeaching. Thank you, NoPlease, I insist. Thank you, Dan and Friends. Thank you, Thermidor.

Thank you, HighwayToTheNewmanZone. Thank you, Riley. Thank you Highway to the Newman Zone. Thank you Riley. Thank you Kelsey Roth. Thank you four nice guys, a girl and a pizza place called Palladino's. Thank you Fred Durst's vagina. Thank you Hit It and Quidditch. Thank you Brian's

Baby Mask and Sword Emporium for all your homes. Was that Hit It and Quidditch? Quidditch?idditch good one yes it was that was really good you can't just you gotta pause let that get some approval nice uh thank you uh whoa whoa whoa what are you guys doing with those two fingers thank you sean thank you ben felts thank you evil and undead fuck thank you i'm so excited that comedian mark ellis is the guest on this bonus episode of star wars can you imagine if i timed this right uh this has been a username for several quarters and i continue to

not personally know mark ellis i don't know who Mark Ellis is. He's a comedian who I think might be based out of New York. I met him through Danny Fernandez. He's a very nice, funny person. Not acquainted with him really at all. And he has a Dutch dealership in South Cape. Oh, you Googled him. There's only one Mark Ellis. That must be who we're talking about.

Oh, I'm thinking of Pete Ellis. Oh my God, you just Googled Ellis. You got gotta expand your joke ever oh okay thank you the ghost of odorous orangus glars playing uh a comedy music festival i'm in later this year thank you newbody and finally thank you some scared rat working through the trauma of that time there was a sarah in their sewer sky. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by, please? Supporters brought to us

by Permaportapotties, making the good thing better. Permaportapotties and Seas Jetskis were more than just candies. Command the waves with Seas Jetskis from Seas. Dan? Thank you, Blaine.

I believe it is now time for me to talk about... What happened last time on Nerd Poker? Ronnie's Raiders figured a puzzle out after much investigating and then decided, nah, let's skip that puzzle. It sounds real hard and deadly or something. So they got through the door. They got five bonus hit points. They went through some tunnels,

got some magic water, everyone, except for when a friend managed to not touch. And they are now inside the Archlich's lair where there is a big evil thing around the corner saying, hey, what's up? Who's who dat? Who dis? We take you to that

already happening so yeah you guys have kind of snuck around ronnie went to the north if y'all want to take a peeky peek at the roll 20 and he came back and reported that a voice said you are not valix and now you're just kind of hanging out in a chamber. Feels like there's something magic and pulsing a couple of stairs down. I haven't really checked it out yet. You've been very sneaky in this room. Someone almost certainly knows that you broke into with a loud

knock spell. What you want to do? I mean, eventually we're going to have to fight this guy, right? I mean, this is... No, we can just keep avoiding him. You could do what you did in season three and give him ultimate power and just see if he wants to congratulate you.

That's still an option. Two of the people in your party actually granted him this power. He might be super grateful. Oh, it's the guy from last year. Yeah, it is. I don't know. what do you guys think oh we can keep looking around in here cool well he said you are not valix right yeah and i would say like you could keep looking around but nothing about this feels comfortable

so um you but it's not valix that's what i'm saying whoever the voice is not correct but also i think all of you would be like, our time is borrowed at this point. If we keep looking around, we might get, you know, murdered while we look around. Well, looking at the map, south of us is where the chamber, the, like, prayer chamber would be, right?

Through the wall. It would be where um yeah valak supposedly offers up power to the sentient plant you have bumped into several times delving into vendaria and so we're that would be south of us and where is this voice coming from uh the north okay where there's another kind of altar. And we haven't looked up these stairs here. Those are, I said stairs going down, but they look like they're going up.

So let's just say they're going down because then you can't see what's there. Okay. If they were going up, you could kind of see what was there. Winterfront, are you suggesting we go confront the plant room? I don't know confront, but I know that they said he wasn't in there currently.

So I just thought we could go see what is happening there. But if we've now disturbed some... I would say, you know, there's at least two beings within 100 feet of you that know you're here. Yeah. there's at least two beings within 100 feet of you that know you're here yeah so again you can look around but if it were me wait two beings what's the second being

you've been told Valix is here and oh I thought he wasn't here I'm sorry it's so hard to track up you've been told he is great no man I'm sorry. It's so hard to track him. No, you've been told he is. No, he's not here, man.

Great. No, man, I'm Alex. Okay, well, I mean, we can just stand here, guys, until someone starts fighting us, or we can go north, south. Yeah, take the fight to them. I am enjoying you guys discussing whether or not to poke around in somebody's house while they know you broke in but um i i have a question for dr uid and queep yeah you may or may not

remember this so if you don't don't worry about it just consider this me giving you a reminder from many many months ago and if you didn't listen to season three don't worry i'm gonna do my best to explain it but But at the end of that adventure, when you unwittingly gave the mantle of the Tenebrous one over to King Valix, Vincenzo, the sort of underling of Valix, gifted that whole party necklaces they could use to warp into Vendaria should they choose and we I think

discussed maybe briefly at the beginning of this season whether you wanted to try to use that and you declined um would you two have kept the necklace at all and carried it through this castle yeah I like to keep things yeah Yeah. I would have kept it. Great. Just thought I would ask. And so, yeah. And I use it to win. You've already kind of looked around this side of the chamber.

Your options are to continue to go around, return to the north chamber, go to the south chamber, or visit the center chamber, or just yell shit. I'm curious about the center chamber. Alright. Check that out. So you guys are all still in the hallways. Are you coming? Well, let's see. Yeah, we've got in the hallway a couple of NPCs too who I'm going to bring in there. Ashinka,

Gus, and Fizzbort are all coming in, as is Ronnie. Do you guys hear Licky, by the way? Can you hear her snoring? No. Is she tooting? Is she slurping? She's just snoring. Gotcha.

So, she's just snoring gotcha so you're talking about heading down yeah so you go down there and why don't you roll a perception check sir I will perception I will.

Perception. That's a 21. Oh! All right. So you kind of take a couple of steps down. Again, I maybe didn't have it going visually on the map the way I would ideally have it. It looks like they're going up. Sorry if I keep reminding it for just one little hitch.

You head down and you see there is a large pulsing light that seems to be coming from a sphere. The steps go down about five feet. This sphere in front of it seems to have some kind of

robed being that has its back to you oh the robed being is floating about two feet above the ground cool trouble um the road being also has a uh horned headpiece on and some sort of cowl attached to it. Try to, like a sexy goat, try to not attract his attention and tell them. As you do so, I'm going to open up what's visible on the Roll20 map, which always takes a solid 30 to 90 seconds longer than I wanted to. Why? You just select the area carefully. Oh, look.

Oh. Pretty. Oh. Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Yeah, there are glowing pink runes on the floor. Yeah, pink runes.

Pink runes just seem fun to play with. And, Queep, you hear a voice inside your head say, Oh, it's been so long. We hardly got to meet. Still facing away from me. Yeah. Fucker. Are you here to offer anything?

Offer anything? Is that what you said? That's right. Huddle. Oh, no, everyone's frozen. Am I frozen? What's going on? Hello, hello.

Are you still frozen? Sarah's frozen. Hang on. Sarah, are you still frozen? I can hear you, but I can't see you. Oh, my God. Sarah. Sarah, you have not stopped moving or talking

to us. Come into the light. Yeah, you're fine. I think you had a disruption of service that only affected you and not us. Weird. This is great. Playing in person. We're talking about it, folks. So Winifred's going to go in and she's going to fight Valak.

That's what I heard Sarah almost say when she got cut off. Well, do we want to fight Valak. That's what I heard Zara almost say when she got cut off. Yeah. Well, do we want to fight Valak or do we want to fight Orcus? I'm assuming one of them fucks up the other one. I feel like we're already in this one.

All right. To Valak Smedes. Is there anything we want to offer? Kweep, you hear a voice in your head. It's strange that you would be here and not respond to me. I feel as though you have ulterior motives. No, not at all.

Just, you know, looking around, seeing what's happening. All right. Checking out the scene. I'm going to start moving to the south to head towards this southern staircase so we can maybe flank this guy Dr. Uwe do you hear a voice in your head

is that the lich king in the center there Dr. Uwe do you hear a voice in your head say you're here as well do you have more to say than your friend did. Pass. All right.

Dr. Uid and Queep, can I get a wisdom savings throw? See if he wants a hug. This guy needs a wet hug. This is the theme of the show, yeah. I got 16 plus 8, 24. Ooh. I got a 9.

All right. So, Dr. Uyghur, of course, you get one of your classic migraines for a moment, and then you sort of shake it off. The rest of you notice Queepep kind of like you know duck his head down for a second and then a twisted crown of jagged iron appears on top of his head oh do you have any protection against charm spells queep uh hang on yes hang on see. Where is it? Is this like the thing in Mario where he throws his cap onto a monster

and then he controls the monster? Is this like Orc is throwing his crown on somebody like Mario hat? It's definitely related to Nintendo and Dungeons and Dragons. Finally! I can't be charmed or friend while raging,

but I'm not raging. Hmm. What about your character? I'm okay. I know. I know you're like that for real. Uh, you, you feel as though your focus has narrowed,

uh, almost like you took a fistful of Adderall. You're just kind of feeling really excited, but kind of interested in performing tasks all of a sudden. Kakoka?

What is that? Winifred, you hear a voice in your head saying, I see you have accepted my blessing no get it off me okay uh that's your response get it off you um that's my response and also i'm going to cast um uh i'm gonna cast cast I'm going to cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter

on him. Nice. Do you have to see him to cast it? Great question. Yeah, can I not? I assume most spells you have to see. No, no, no. Can I not? Sorry. This is roll 20 is what crashed me, but Oh, oh, oh, I didn't hear whether

You were, did you approach So I have you in the doorway, like Oh, sorry, yeah, I figured I would be, like, up Behind, queep one up the stairs, right To see all this? Yeah, I think that I would I'm behind him I definitely thought I was seeing him, so Alright

He had his back to us wisdom saving throw yes so he's going to roll that it's going to be a 22 he got a 22? yeah well fine forget it

you feel winifred um this rush of adrenaline and uh then this really sharp pain in the pit of your stomach can you please do a constitution saving throw um yes the dc i'll tell you right now is 20. Well, I did not achieve a 20 with that roll. Okay. You all notice Winifred buckle over. Winifred, you are now level 18. Whoa. Huh. Winifred, you are now level 18. Whoa!

Huh. Now, I will say that I'm wearing a circlet of necrotic resistance, if that means anything. You're not currently taking damage, but you are level 18. I don't like this at all. Guys, take me down. He's going to use me. You're very powerful.

This is, like, big. Now's the chance for you to do a big monologue do i get an action now uh we're not in combat yet so can i do something then now that i'm level 18 absolutely oh god damn all right well i gotta i gotta go for it. Hold on. I'm gonna... You hear a voice in your head say, Blessing be upon you. Okay. The back is still turned to you.

This figure is not paying you. Can I use my intimidating presence? Maybe. I'll try. Intimidating presence? Do you a secret santa gift over $25 it's usually it's usually 20 I'm gonna cast Raoul Fim's

psychic lance at level 9 at the guy with a 19 I know that he is smart but with a 19 intelligence saving throw. Cool. I'll try to intimidate him

at the same time. What kind of spell is this, by the way? It's a enchantment spell. Fourth level enchantment. And what kind of damage does it do? Psychic? Psychic, yeah. Okay. Am I going to do this damage to myself? Is that what's going on?

I don't know. Don't give him ideas. I rolled a 24. He rolled a 24? I hate this guy. The demon? Well, he takes half as much damage and is not incapacitated according to this

okay does this mean I listen to Dan's okay alright let's find out if yeah let's find out how much damage he takes if I take the damage you mean that's what's gonna happen or someone else is gonna take the damage why would you you're level 18 you're like Wonder Woman yeah there's some obviously

this is gonna be okay so it's not that much which is good right woman. Yeah, there's some... Obviously, this is going to be... Okay. So it's not that much, which is good. So it'll be 13... 26 halved. Okay. So 13 points of damage. That ought to take him down.

Is he intimidated yet? Yeah, we're going to do that, and then we're going to roll initiative. So, intimidating presence. It's a wisdom saving throw. 12. I know it's not. DC 12? Okay.

Yeah, botch, botch. He has a plus 7, a wisdom saving throw. It's going to be a 16. Fucker. Everybody, before you roll initiative, I just want to throw out there Winifred you take a point a level of exhaustion everybody roll initiative please 12 plus 3 15

21 nice oh sorry 20 7 14 21. Nice. No, sorry, 20. 7. It's not going in roll 20, unfortunately. I'm going to need all these again because roll 20... Holding my number, holding my number. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I set roll 20 up to try to capture this, and it's not capturing anything. Fucking roll 20. Queep, what did you get? 20. Great. And I'm extremely intimidating. Brian, what'd you get? 14, sir.

Thank you, sir. Please may I have another? Chris, what'd you get? Seven. Seven. Can you say it in a less disappointed voice? Seven. Blaine, what'd you get?

I got a 15. Cool. And Sarah, what'd you get? 10. Alright. Here we go. These guys

up in this business. Gus rolled a 2. He's very cute. Fizzbord rolled an 8. Not as cute. And Houshinka got a 13.

Not really cute at all. The Archlich really cute at all um the arch lich i'm gonna have roll right now 24 initiative and a thing in another room which i guess I should just for now represent with a neutral token that does not give away who it is, even though we all might know who it is. It's Bob Hope.

Oh, I love it! It was Bob Hope. Thanks for the beverage. I gotta tell ya. That's gonna be Bob Hope for the 90 year olds in our audience 18 okay

first in the turn order is going to be Brian looks like Bunsen Honeydew right now I know that is some silly stuff he does what you look like Bunsen Honeydew right now. I know, that is some silly stuff. He does. You look like Bunsen Honeydew when you put your glasses up on your head. Oh, sorry. And then you lean over.

Yeah, please don't apologize for delighting us with your Muppet-ness. There you go. Mm-hmm. Welcome to Muppet Labs. Yep. You know, my wife has an irrational fear of Beaker. Whenever she sees Beaker on Scream, she screams in terror. I get it.

She's also terrified of Don Martin drawings. It's the elongated shape that freaks her out. I do love that you said an irrational fear of Beaker. As if there's like a large segment of population that has a rational fear of Beaker. Hers is irrational, but there are good reasons to fear him.

It's an unfounded fear of Beaker. She has her reasons. I shouldn't say it's an irrational or unfounded. But it's really funny. Like she will scream and try to back into the couch if Beaker appears on screen. And I think he's funny and I love Don Martin. it's really funny. Like she will act, she'll scream and try to back into the couch. If she,

if Beaker appears on screen and I think he's funny and I love Don Martin. So it's a, that keeps our marriage together. It's that chalk and cheese element of things. Just don't bend your feet and you'll be fine. Yeah. She hates my captain klutz tattoo. Those are some solid mad magazine references. you all see valix levitate an additional 10 feet off the ground he turns around and he this time uh speaks out loud

he's got a very skeletal face he says dr uid i don't appreciate your rejection of my blessing. He raises a gloved hand and one of the fingers pops off. It has a large golden claw at the end of it and it flies at you. This is going to be a plus 13 to hit. Okay. 24 to hit. Total miss. I'm pretty sure that's a hit. Okay. 24 to hit. Total miss. I'm pretty sure that's a hit. And then

you take 7 points of piercing damage. Okay. Can you please do a constitution saving throw? 16. 16. All right. You wince as you feel a dark energy try to spread within your torso this thing cuts right through your ribs and and uh you're going to take another dark around nine nine points of necrotic damage.

Okay. You do, however, feel like you have resisted something that may have caused this to become infectious in nature. Oh, good. The finger flies around and reattaches itself to his hand.

Gross. It says the name Freddy Valix because it could be Freddy got re-fingered. Ooh. Sam cut that out. He then waves a hand in the air and summons

Does he just not care? He doesn't seem to. That's not what happens at all. No, he summons a large spectral being. You recognize it as a being that was in the library earlier. We can barely hear you. I'm sorry, I leaned forward. You recognize this being as something you encountered in the library earlier.

Bankman? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is definitely a Ghostbusters reference. Psyche. A large sort of cetacean-like being appears

to his right. A what-like being? Cetacean. Whale-like. It's like a spectral whale. Oh, yeah! Whale-like, he says. We talked to that whale! Yeah! Didn't we, like, free the whale from his bondage chains

or something? Or at least we got him not to eat it. You certainly did something like that, yeah. Do-do-do-do-do! Looks like Valak's pulled the old classic fuck-up-a-roo! Classic fuck-up-a-roo. looks like valex pulled the old classic fuck up a roo classic fuck up a roo jesus christ

gets a six on its initiative and then let's see he takes the palm of his hand and points it again at you dr. ood can you do another constitution saving throw? Yes.

This one is a 19. Okay. 60 plus three. This time you wince even harder and you feel as though something is trying to gnaw at your insides. and you feel as though something is trying to gnaw at your insides. But it abates, and it manages to not actually do any damage. Okay. Goodness.

Up next in the turn order, we have Queep. I'm going to Rage. Fan favorite. Okay. Raging, and using my uh blade of kukla you are going to use your blade of kukla to attack a target of my choice oh unfortunately you have crown of madness uh on you right now. Madness. Crown of madness. It must be crown of madness. I'm going to say you are going to... Who are you near?

You're going to attack Winifred. She's 18th level, dude. Watch out! Roll to attack. Sarah's off camera right now. I cannot wait to discuss this that's an 11 um all right let me look up and see what Sarah's AC is it's got to be higher than 11 um she is a bard so it is higher than 11, so you miss. Good.

Another attack. Let's do this. Let's get another attack. Winifred, Queep is hitting you with an axe. I'm trying to attack you. I'm sick of your shit. Sorry. I can't believe I left the room for that. Sorry, I had to run out. I missed the first attack.

Yeah, and i would like to know really quick sarah have you re-rolled your hit points yes great okay well i don't have to because it's automatic i do the automatic i understand yeah yes i rolled a 12 on the second attack oh that's two misses darn okay so what uh what sorry but so I have Crown of Madness You feel like your free will Sapped away from you And when you pull your blade out You turn and swing without so much as

Thought I can't help it You still have movement You can do that I cannot take away from you I'll try to move away from everyone. Go over there. Okay. Oh, I can move further. Cool.

And I'm grappling with my emotions. Okay. Yeah, do another wisdom saving throw, please. Alright, then. I have resistance now does that matter a resistance to

charm spell sure yeah um I believe you have to have it before the spell is cast okay I'm just seeing if I have a bonus or not I don't think so that is a eight uh you are still charmed sorry boss I'm sure I think so. That is a eight. You are still charmed.

Sorry, boss. I'm sure. Up next in the turn order, can I have everybody please roll a perception check? 21. 24. 15. Cool. Seven. 21 24 15 7 I'm coming hold on you got it

there we go 16 alright those of you who beat a 15 here to the north 16. All right. Those of you who beat a 15 here, uh, to the North and low laster. That will do it for that turn up next.

It's Dr. Oh, uh, I'm going to hit this guy with a, uh, with an ice storm. Okay. That movie about the key party?

Yeah. He's going to have to roll, or he has to recast Kevin Spacey. All right, so ice storm. Ice storm. uh all right so ice storm ice storm uh dexterity saving throw or take a 2d8 and 4d6 cold damage bludgeoning and cold old so dexterity not as much as cup of tea he rolls an eight roll that damage he takes everything sure does okay uh provided he doesn't have some sort of resistance to magic 14 and then 14 22 and

29 points cool I'm doing the math up next in ye old turn order or you got more you would like to do sir I'm gonna try to run, sort of maybe run around

so I'm not in the same place where I was when he attacked me the first time. Okay. I'll kind of move down here a little bit. Oh, and can I cast, I'm going to cast Longstrider on my, or yeah, Longstrider on myself so i can move a little faster okay

awesome and that's it thanks then let us continue to Ronnie. Ronnie. Yeah, bud. The bold leader may now make his move. Ha ha. Kill him in one mighty blow. Uh,

one mighty blow. Wouldn't that be awesome if he did that? Yep. Here it comes. One. Mighty blow. Just gonna BLOGH. Just ratcheting up the tension.

Here it comes. I'm gonna arm blade. Alright. So you run up to him. Mm-hmm. Fun. Right up to his face and

kiss him. Here we go. Where would you like your token, Brian? Right up there. 23. Oh, that's a hit. Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Okay. Five on damage. Okay. I'm going to take another swing. Sure. 21. Also a hit. Yeah.

Seven damage. All right. So you arm blade him. He looks down at you and you see the corners of the rotten flesh on either side of his mouth raise a little bit in a smile. And he says, foul little turd. Fuck you. Mouth on him. a foul little turd. Fuck you. Huh. Mouth on him.

Can you do a intelligent saving throw, sir? Oh, sure. Turd also? Is he like a third grade? Pretty much. It's almost as if

he's not like cool. He probably, his arrest, it was probably, development was probably arrested when he became a lich. Oh. So. So he became a lich when he was about, you know, 12.

Yeah, I thought it might have been the pandemic. 13. Hold on. I will hold on. Oh, I rolled a six but but can i use stillness of mind right it has to be an act oh it has to be on an action i can use an action to end one effect on myself that's causing me to be charmed or frightened which is not currently happening but could happen in the future yes yes. But that, oh, what

were you trying to do to me? Not charm me? Nope. Okay. He was uttering a foul word that is echoing in your ears. Okay. The word is turd, by the way. This is a turd. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- So, Ronnie, you are going to take eight points of necrotic damage.

I'm sorry, nine points of necrotic damage as the word sting the inside of your mind. Who? As opposed to the outside of your mind. A little redundant there. The walking fields of gold. The outside of your mind. A little redundant there. The walking fields of gold. Out of my mind.

Hashinka is up. She is going to duck under some tables and sneak over here. Ah, the old duck and sneak um winifred you're up okay um so can i do and i think i have a disadvantage not due to the exhaustion but i was gonna dispel magic on myself but i don't want to waste that if i know that that's not going to do anything or i could do it on queef can i get you to roll an insight check yeah but i believe exhaust so i got a check but i think exhaustion means that exhaustion i think is ability checks yeah i don't think that

counts for spells well it's an ability check that you're asked that i'm doing right now, right? Um, correct. Right. So this, this I do have a disadvantage on. Yes. Sorry, you said Arcana? Insight.

Insight. Do you wish it was Arcana? Um, you know, okay, wait, one is, no, actually, it's better Insight.

Okay, 21. Oh, on disadvantage. I'm level 18, so. Nice, sick. You realize when you cast that higher level spell, tapping into the power that was previously not available to you is what is wearing you out. Okay, that's fine. But I guess I do want to know

if I cast I want to know whether I should be casting Dispel Magic on myself or if that's not going to work and it needs to be on Queep. I will allow an additional Arcana check. Okay. That's what I wanted to be doing my check on.

I noticed this now. But can I not use that number? No, you absolutely may not. But I asked. That's what I was doing. Does this make any sense? I wanted to tell you another thing about the effect on you. And now I'm going to tell you what you think.

Well, no. This is like a different... Ah, for fuck's sake. Do your arcana check, please. I did. Disadvantage, I got a seven. You've never felt like this before. It's difficult to say.

Okay. Well, I guess I'll just... Yeah, I don't know. All right. I guess I'm going to cast Dispel Magic at the highest level possible, which right now, given what I have, is level eight on myself. Ooh. Yeah.

Dispel Magic on yourself? Okay. So please roll your spellcasting ability. And this is an ability check too so it's not great also why did my spellcasting ability not go up but it didn't I don't know

why does Bahamut let bad things happen to good people yeah so it's an 11 with disadvantage are you sure yeah it is an 11 with disadvantage. Are you sure? Yeah, it is an ability check with your spellcasting ability. Yeah, you are unable to access whatever

dispel power would get rid of whatever is happening to you, and you take another level of exhaustion. Will that do it for your turn? Yeah. Okay. We're doing it for your turn? Yeah. Okay. I'm pulling it every turn, so yeah.

I know. I'm being pretty shitty, but guess what? There's a wizard in the party who's going to notice what is happening. So it is Fizzbord's turn, and he is going to attempt the same. So here comes a dispel.

Oh, shit. Okay. You feel whatever is coursing through you pass out. You are now level 11 again. Oh, what a turd. Indeed. Well, well, well, look who's back. It also removes the two levels of exhaustion however hey um you look down at your hands and they they look they look like they have withered a bit like that

oh toilet hey you know what fire jolly You are the character closest to Winifred. Could you roll a perception check real quick? Certainly! Do I notice that our hands are toilet rats? That's a total of a 10, Dan, per perception. Winifred looks a little different. Hard to tell exactly

what it is. Hard to place. Did you shave or something change your haircut my circlet of necrotic resistance is not helping me with whatever this transformation is god damn it alright whatever you did not take necrotic damage

I didn't take any damage right is it an aging thing did the levels age how close are you? Yeah, you're not that far away. Do an insight check, Dr. Ewan. How much would I have to age to go from just being 20 to having withered hands?

22. It looks like Winifred is a solid 30 years older than the last time. I am a doctor, by the way, so you might want to schedule a colonoscopy if you've aged 30 years. Up next is going to be

Friar Jolly. Someone help that old crone on the steps. I finally stepped into my grand dame period just earlier than I Dame Edna dench the eye lines can we see this guy no matter where we are i was under the impression that the center circle was like walled in except for the stairs is that right or no

um that is correct so we only have eyeline basically from north south east and west where those stairs are yeah although he's floating about uh 15 feet in the air right now so you can see him whether or not you're down the stairs but like for example where i am which is sort of like east southeast i cannot i don't have an eyeline on him at the moment you do you do no he's floating high enough that everyone can see him Over the wall And then I can see the giant whale as well Oh, you sure can

What is the status of the giant whale? Does it look like it's an eddy, kill-less kind of a monster? It's unclear yet, I feel like maybe you're going to find out soon Oh boy The status is like, yeah, menacingly, ominously floating and writhing in space. I feel like we made friends with that whale before.

Maybe you did. I'm going to throw a fireball at level five. And our buddy Valix, and he's got to make a DC 17 saving throw.

What is the radius on that? And are you going to try to hit the ghost whale? No, I want to set it back so that Valix is basically at the edge. So basically it would be sort of hitting Valix in the center of the room. And then I guess it would be 40 feet up to the north. So if our mysterious guest possibly is in radius, they might get it as well. Yeah. And also Ronnie was just punching him.

So can I flank it back? So it's. Yeah, you can just barely. Yeah. Like, so the corner of it's hitting him. Yeah, basically. Yeah. From behind.

Burn up, burn Ronnie. Cool. It's a DC 17 saving throw. Dexterity. Dexterity. That'll be a 22 to hit, Dodge. Asshole. Alright, so it's

an additional D6, so it's a total of half of Let me see this it's not looking here we go 10d6 so 11d6 half of this

I'm going to bring up some 6 in 11 alright so so 30 so half of it would be 15 points of fire magic damage. Cool.

And then I will see spread out. I will go one, two. I'm going to move south of Dr. One, two, three, four, 4, 5, 6 and kind of hang along the edge of the room so I'm almost I guess at another entrance or something like that looks like to the

south sounds good that'll be it cool as you move you can kind of see behind you a little bit sounds good that'll be it that's it cool uh as you move you can kind of see behind you a little bit there is some sort of

other chamber that looks not that dissimilar from what Ronnie described to you to the north hmm guys there's another orcas down here

uh can I get from everybody a persuasion check? Persuasion? Yes. Yeah. 18 plus 4, 22.

Six. Does my persuasion bonus help at all? Yeah, it's a persuasion check. I don't have to do a persuasion check, right? Right, you rascal. We're looking for two people to beat a 20. Oh, we got two.

All right. So, the spectral whale writhing in the air kind of like... Not quite, but we have what we need that's totally fine your your lateness shall not hold i'm sorry thank you for apologizing so it looks around and it recognizes a couple of you on a deep level and turns its eye to valix and goes to chomp down on Valix's head. That's right.

So that is going to be plus seven to hit. Is that a hit? Is he a low EC? No, unfortunately it's going to be a miss for the whale. After that happens, Gus flies up to you, and says, Hey, boss!

Looks like you're having some trouble. Can you give me a weapon? Yeah, I'll give him a weapon. Give me something to stab with or something. I'll give him my javelin. Cool. So he takes her javelin in something. Please? I'll give him my javelin. Cool. So he takes her javelin in his tiny hands.

There's a moment where he goes, and he manages to fly back up. And he says, huzzah! And he starts flying at Valix with the javelin in his tiny hands. That is as far as he can go on this turn. about 15 feet away from Valak's.

And we'll have to find out how that goes on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Don't kill Gus. That's a cliff-deather. I won't kill Gus, but something I choose to make kill Gus might kill Gus. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened this episode?

Hi, episode 44. There's pink runes on the floor and Valak's is talking to us. We learned about Beaker. Valix took a finger off and threw it at us. We're battling Valix and it withered our hands. And there's a giant floating whale and it's on our

side. And Gus is attacking and probably gonna die. Oh, Gus. Sad. It's all true. Dan, you got anything you want to plug? Yeah, I'll be playing a lot of the Legend of Zelda Tears of the Kingdom.

How is that? It's amazing. Is it really? Massively huge. But it's only Switch, right? Yeah. Unless you have an emulator. It's made by Nintendo. you have an emulator it's a it's made like by nintendo so they're notoriously unwilling to share their uh in titles but um yeah uh it is

we have one here so good get out of rose's room it's so good i've the zelda series it's like as dark as you can get for 12 year olds so all this crazy shit does happen that freaks you the shit out like even you're like oh isn't this for kids and then there'll be some weird demon stuff that'll make you uh freaked out it's great i'll be playing that that's my plug i'll also be doing a lot of stand-up but i think to find out those dates you ought to head over to my instagram account which is at dan telfer cool man and you've uh you're gonna be with me in san diego if i can get a fucking hotel room did comic-con uh it's gonna be fun uh with uh johnny taylor from uh sacramento uh i've got uh

and men my buddy jimmy swigert's movie about uh skateboard scene in sacramento we've got our uh um premiere the second and third in sacramento at the crest theater the first showing is sold out uh but come see the second showing it's uh it's really my buddy's movie i just gave him a few notes and talked to him about music and uh we got a um a brolin's kid to do the uh to do the uh the um commentary or the the voiceover and uh it's uh it came out great um and then i've got tour dates brianpassain.com san diego portland portland's coming up soon portland's in uh june with uh derrick sheen so come by and then go with me to mother's and get some chicken pot pie holy shit it's my favorite restaurant in that city like comfort elevated like like, well, so good. And they do breakfast, lunch and dinner.

So you can just stay there all day and read. I don't think they, they probably frown on it, but we'll see. Uh, what else? Oh, and then I'm going to be at a,

I like comics in, um, Vancouver, Washington. That, uh, that Saturday, June, uh, That Saturday. June.

Literally looking. Did Brian leave? What happened? I went to my calendar. June 17th. I will be at I Like Comics in Vancouver. Not BC. Vancouver, Washington.

So don't go to BC. That's it. Blame. We attribute the success to save mankind from it. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well. Oh, on the next episode of Nerd Poker, a field trip to a dairy turns deadly and Sarah has only moments to solve the mystery because she was the only one paying attention.

All this and Sarah is indicted for capital embezzlement because she was the only one paying attention. All this, and Sarah is indicted for capital embezzlement because she was the only one paying attention. On to the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.