Nerd Poker - S5E46 Orcus Attack

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

Orcus now fully engages the crew along with Vallux, and NPCs start to get roughed up pretty bad. Need cheering up? Say the title of this episode out loud and it sounds like "orcas attack." Which, at the time of this episode's release, is a current news item! Sorry, yachts! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker.

Oh, it's going to be so delightful. We're down one, unfortunately. We're playing without Sarah. But it's all going to work out. Or we're going to die. I don't know. You choose. Blaine's here.

Hey, everybody. What's up, Blaine? Hey, hi. How you doing, buddy? I'm good. Sarah's not here to watch us die or help us not die it's true can hi brian what's going on pal nothing i choose not to lose nice because i don't wanna the man that's gonna kill us dan what's up hi brian what's up pal r.i.p sarah uh they finally dragged her into the toilet wow

oh man that's the way she's gotta go out it's so sad she has to i i that's just oh that's i see that's the way she's gotta go out it's like a sad thing i was like oh karmically of course that's what you mean she has to dragged into the toilet by toilet rats if you'd like a toilet rat t-shirt to celebrate the life and death of sarah gazzardo please head to nerdpokerpod.com yep it's true uh chris hi can can everyone hear uh sarah's silent shrieks as this conversation is happening yeah i mean i live a few blocks away i'm pretty sure that's her right here outside really no is that what you're saying is that as the rats pull her down the down the tube no as we talk about her dying that way yeah yeah yeah or her in general

while she's on here uh here he is keeping everything together samwise hello sweet children what's up buddy how are you doing good sam did you wash your maga hat with your with your uh other whites because it's uh it's very it is it is yep i uh. After the 6th of January it was real sweaty. Nice. You did a lot of hard work on that hat. Oh man. Scaled a lot of walls.

More like January sucks. You know when friends when the expression couldn't get arrested and then you'll have a friend that could get arrested. Sometimes that'll be like, you know, it'll be a couple of years where you're like,

is he going to get arrested? Oh, wow. My friend got arrested. I can't get arrested in this town, but this other town I can really get arrested. He just went where the arrests were smart smart move

talking about of course our good friend Martin well let's let's thank some people I will I will thank listeners who are at our hey boss or Stargoyle tiers on Patreon. You guys, thanks everybody who can support us, especially as we finish up this season. It's really cool to know that you guys back us up and you go by usernames like Shakira,

When the Walls Fell. Michelle. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you. Thank you, War Anus. Oh, thank you. I always, every morning, wake up and think, thank you, War Anus. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you. Thank you, War Anus. Oh, thank you. Every morning wake up and think, thank you, War Anus.

Thank you, Mark P. Strandberg. Thank you, Kevin Hitt. Thank you, Beta Ray Bill Nye the Science Guy. Thank you, Sarah's Toilet Rat in Ratatouille 2, Ratat Toilet. There we go. Thank you, Robert Jenkins. Thank you, Kiel Bossa Nova. Thank you. Sometimes I'm just laughing at Chris laughing. Thank you, Robert Jenkins. Thank you, Kiel Bossa Nova. Thank you. Sometimes I'm just laughing at Chris laughing.

Thank you, MC Hoopa. Thank you, Just Some Anonymous Martin. Thank you, the hero formerly known as Hulk Hoagie 420. Thank you, Michael McAvoy. Thank you, all the girls and boist. Choose Betty Crocker's Oyster Moist for the moistest oysters. choose Betty Crocker's Oyster Moist for the moistest oysters. Thank you, James DTJ, which of course stands for Downtown Tulejown.

Thank you, Pam at Peace. Thank you, Friar Jolly's Dildo Trolley. Thank you, Consensual Cannibalism. And finally, thank you, Philadelphia Collins, a.k.a. the Mustard Tiger. Fit in two jokes that seem to maybe have something to do with each other, but only in one listener's private life. Real life, like, wait, everyone else is... Philadelphia Collins, I understand.

Mustard Tiger? Super inside. Super in... I mean, I have my own Mustard Tiger, but I don't think it's the same thing as this listener's mustard tiger. If you catch what I'm saying. Hey, Blaine, who are those patron supporters brought to us by, sir? Oh, patron supporters brought to us by Campbell's Pounders.

It's a pound of soup measured as a solid. Now that's soup. Campbell's Pounders and Red Vine Catheters. Yank them out and eat them. Red Vine Catheters. Dan? Christ. Yank them out and eat them red vine catheters Dan yank them out and eat them oh boy

but wait I use the Twizzlers when I'm back east I always forget are both Twizzlers and red vines hollow in the middle like you can use them as a straw or is it just Twizzlers Twizzlers aren't as hollow as red vines are red vines are like stents cause I grew up with Twizzlers I didn't really see red vines are. Red vines are like stents. Because I grew up with Twizzlers.

I didn't really see a red vine until I was in my 20s. So I always forget. They're like Shelbyville Twizzlers. They are. They stare ominously at each other. Yeah. And it's people are like, are you red vines or are you Twizzlers? It's two different candies, you guys.

Yeah. Two different vibes. You know, one of them extra chewy the other one extra chewy in a different way yeah well i think it is time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker ronnie's raiders engaged Valix the evil lich, and then Orcus just sort of pranced around the corner. At one point, a spectral whale did bite Valix on the head. At one point, Winifred aged 20 years. And at one point, Ronnie, you know, kind of like caught on fire a little bit.

We take you to the Ronnie's Raiders already in progress. I believe we left off with the top of the turn order. All right. I'm taking a look. The top of the turn order is Ronnie. Yeah. I'm going to pause for a moment while Brian picks up his stoner McDonald's from Uber Eats at his front door? You can just say McDonald's.

Do you guys think he got some extra Big Mac sauce and then he's going to spread it on his eggs? His eggs. You know, there was a thing that they had called the Mac Junior. And it was a single story Big Mac. And I don't know why they don't keep making them. It was perfect. Because they don't slide all over the place like your regular Big Mac. So it's just a patty and two buns?

Like a hamburger? Just like a regular hamburger, but dressed up. Trying to sneak in as a Big Mac. Now, Brian, I just went through what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Would you like me to do a special Brian post saying, hey, this is what happened last time on

Nerd Poker while you were stepping away? No, I don't think I need that. Cool. Well, you're up first in the turn order. What would you like to do? Oh, shit. Maybe you should have told me. It's almost like I asked for that reason. So, you're currently engaged in the fight. If you open roll 20,

the geography of it will make a lot more sense, but you may remember that you are the most melee combat of everyone in the party, so you are right up in the lich's face. The spectra whale is gone. It's been dismissed, and Orcus is

kind of back and to the north of you. Back and to the north. It's good to recap that for the listeners, too. And I'll be running Winifred, I believe. How close am I to the Lich King? You're right up in his grill. All right, I'll get him with one of my...

Arm blade him? Arm blades, yeah. Teach him the meaning of pain, Brian. Here we go. Or lick him yeah that was like good that's a nice word expression 23 nice that is a hit. Roll your damage.

Four. Lick that whip. Get it, Nelson. Step on a crack. Break your mama's back. How about that attack number two brian right here when a lich king comes along you must like it 22 again there i'm in another high one oh yeah yeah that's another hit i'm seeing him pop up in the log the man's rolling high finally 11.

the man's rolling high finally 11. yeah that's good damage yeah last time you were robbed so 11. piercing yeah it's sad when i in d d beyond and you see like the roll having happened and i think the number is bright red like oh before i even register what that number is it's uh bad news yeah this is much better. Hit. Anything else you'd like to do this turn, Brian? No. Okay. Well, up next is Valix.

He has just been stabbed and he does not like it. So he is going to go ahead and attack you. All my Val-exes live in Val, Texas. Brian, Val-ex is going to try to grab you by the throat. Can I get a contested strength check? Brian of BrianPpostsang.com you got this brian you can do it noonan

no really so there's an 11 or is this a short start you still got a roll brian brian are you there yeah what do i got to roll damage. Hmm. Brian, are you there? Yeah. What do I got to roll? Strength check.

Oh, sorry. Mel came in here. Sorry. Oh, yeah. You easily slap him away as he tries to grab you by the throat. He's trying to grab you by the throat. Oh. him away as he tries to grab you by the throat.

He's trying to grab you by the throat. Oh, and so now he is going to start glaring at you. Can you do a constitution saving throw Brian? Yeah. 14 okay so unfortunately you're going to feel

a deep stabbing pain in your guts as you're engulfed in a cloud of black flame you're going to take 16 points of necrotic damage jolly well that ain't good you are still engulfed by the cloud of black flame so are you oh eat it dan Oh, eat it, Dan. I will.

And by that, I mean, I'm going to have some coffee. So that's going to do it for his turn. Let's see. Did I completely open the map up? He doesn't seem like the kind of guy that just waits his turn for things. I'm going to open the map up just a little bit. I realize some of it is still hidden because you hadn't traversed it, but it doesn't make sense to keep hiding it i think it's just confusing okay all right the room is completely revealed not exactly the whole area because there's more rooms to his like inner

sanctum but the the room you're in is you should not see as much fog of war blackness hiding everything a shink is up. She's going to try to hit Orcus with a couple of crossbow bolts. Ooh, and she is hidden at the moment. Nice. So first one could do extra damage, but it doesn't she goes again and two misses unfortunately so she's gonna go and try to hide again uh then we're gonna go to orcus's turn boo those things sail over his shoulders and he doesn't really even

acknowledge it he's going to slowly waltz up to fizzbort and he's doing this really weird low giggle like he's going to try to just like double well not try to he's probably

gonna succeed double hand slap just like double want to try to. He's probably going to succeed. Double hand slap, just like smush him like between his two hands, like clapping him. Yep. Oh, gross. It's going to be a 19 to hit and his board. Jerry's fine. Yeah, what could possibly go wrong with a wizard getting slapped by a demon?

That's it sounds pretty standard. He's going to take 18 points of bludgeoning damage. Oh boy. And do do do do do do. Oh boy. And, uh... Orgus is now going to try to stab him with his tail.

Does he have, like, a fluffy tail? Like a... Like a squirrel. That's going to be a hit. Real poofy. It sticks out straight when he runs like a rat. He can pick up bananas with it. Peel him with his feet.

27 points of piercing damage and Fizzbort is down. Oh no. Can somebody help him? Yeah. Dr. Ud, you're up. I still have a moonbeam going, right? Yes.

So I would like to... It was on him and he stepped out of it. I'm going to move it over to him and he stepped out of it. I'm going to move it over to where he is, Carol Burnett style. And do another... Sorry, sorry. There's guys taking out the garbage behind me. Sorry for the noise. Oh, thank you for apologizing.

Oh, no, no. Sorry for apologizing, you guys. Sorry for the noise. Oh, thank you for apologizing. Oh, no, no. Sorry for apologizing, you guys. I apologize too much. I'm really sorry. You're welcome. 17. Okay. What is that 17, Blaine?

That's a 17. Did he make a constitution saving throw? He did not, so one moment. Then that's, yeah, then that's full 17. No, no, I mean, he didn't roll yet. I admit. Oh, okay. If he makes it, then he gets half of 17.

Because I was still looking something up and I was distracted. Sorry. Yeah, 19. Okay, then half of 17, which is... 980? I'm bad at math. Okay, so he's got that on him and I believe you get to just do that. I don't think that

uses up an action. No, it does not. up in action no it does not so oh hey here with this was something else too that I remember pardon me uh I just remembered this from our last episode that I was uh was trying to determine what kind of elemental would do the most sort of damage against Orcus. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and you couldn't really figure that out other than if anything would, it would probably be Radiant. That that would do the most damage against him? If anything, but he might not have any weaknesses. Okay.

Well, that's good. All weaknesses. Okay. That's good. All right. Okay. Good to know. All right. And then that's going to be it for me. Okay. You're up, Friar Jolly.

Great. I'm going to run 30 feet. Right. cool. Up to the downed fizzboard. Okay. And for my action, I would like to pick him up. Mm-hmm. Noted.

I don't have any more movement so I guess for my action I'll I will go ahead and cast instead of picking him up I'm just gonna where is it I'm gonna cast cure wounds on him

at second level. So it's going to be 2d8 plus 5. So he gets back 13 hit points.

Alright, so he is no longer at death's door. Yeah, and I'll say you don't get out of this fight quite so soon, my friend! Now go get him! Can you remind me if your wound gets poisoned without me looking it up? I know that's probably a standard question. Oh, does this spell itself? Interesting.

Yeah, it does. Yeah. Let's see. I'm looking it up, too. Now. Sorry. Closed closed it it's okay cure wounds cure wounds uh a creature you touch regains a number of hit points i don't think it has anything to do with this spell has no effect on undead or constructs that's it it's just about hit points okay

it's uh it's it's weird sometimes if i can't find something on dnd beyond or roll 20 as references i'll look it up on reddit just to see if there's been any official rulings and there's like a there's like a boycott of reddit because they don't like the new code or api or whatever so there's a bunch of but like really big communities are just taken down because the moderators are protesting so like the dnd reddit is just gone i was like oh all right brian why don't you talk to some of your reddit ghosts and get that squared away my reddit who's? Your Reddit ghosts, you know, your shadow operatives behind the veiled curtains of Reddit.

Yeah, let me get on that. Hold on. Beep, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Did you just transform into a truck? Yes. Oh my god. You gonna go roll some coal? I love, Brian, by the way,

your cameo in the new Transformers movie. Oh, thanks. You do the voice of that Transformer who turns into a guitar pedal. Fuzz face, attack! Will that do it for your turn, Mrman i'm sorry that's all i can do i have movement i have action do i notice anything about it now because you said the thing about poison does he seem healed

he's like oh like kind of groggy okay okay uh yeah so he's gonna he's gonna stay unconscious for now uh oh really he doesn't even wake up no good okay he's he's pretty groggy um you did keep him from making death saving throws which is nice right okay yeah but he got he get i mean you said what you saw too is like this fucking dude just smushed him and then his tail like a scorpion came in and just like thunked right into his chest cavity so you know you cast cure wounds but i think you would know having a demon tail inside your chest cavity could do something like got it okay thank you yes i mean you definitely it helped it helped i'm not negating it or saying you wouldn't have cast us oh no it's it's good information yeah right now yeah we've got winifred up his chest cavity all right he should floss his chest more i mean get that plaque build up yeah

all right so she's going to she's getting a little close or orgas is starting to get close to her and i'm seeing what kind of spell she doesn't not have a lot of spells left. Uh, but I will have her cast vicious mockery at Orcus. It's a good one. I like that one. Yeah.

That's that seems right up her alley. She says, go back to the toilet from whence you came, Rat. And she makes him do a... Which saving throws us wisdom. Which is, he has a plus five to wisdom. Rolling that. Golly. I am trying to do all these roles in roll 20.

So they're. Thanks, buddy. Oh, he botches that. He got a six. So he just sort of looks down at himself for a second and just goes, oh, I wouldn't even fit in a standard toilet. I don't know what you're talking about. That would mean he is going to take some psychic damage

and have disadvantage on his next attack roll. I like that. Oh, I can't wait to tell Sarah. That's so great. Yeah. He belittled a demon about his toilet habit. I can't wait to tell Sarah. That's so great. Yay. He belittled a demon about his toilet habits. His toilet habits.

I think this will show up in the NerdPoker chat, but 10 points of psychic damage. Nice. That's pretty good. It is, and I used icy dice so there was a delayed icy wind that blew through my earbuds just now all right i think she is also i'm trying to do this while taking the hit points off of his meter uh she's gonna back it up because Orcus is now within 15 feet of her. And she's like, go ahead and slide back on over here by Dr.

Uid behind, uh, this table a little bit. And that'll do it for her turn. Queep. It is yours. The floor. I will boomerang my great blade of Kukla. Yeah. Hit this big dumb demon.

Sounds great. Let me roll to attack. Oops, I did that wrong. But it doesn't matter. That's a 11. That is a miss. Of course it is, because my dice fucking blow. Have you tried blowing on them?

No. Yeah, I just blew on them and I got a 24. Hey! Oh, that is a... And this is And you said towards Orcus? Yeah. Okay. Roll that. Damage.

That is a whole five points of damage. Takes a little nick out of one of his horns. Good. Maybe he'll be embarrassed a little bit bird just nicked him he goes oh

anything else you'd like to do queef go buy some better dice no I'm good well maybe I will store's not open though it is gus's turn yeah he's gotten himself some trouble earlier so he is going to just kind of hide he's gonna kind of just duck behind this table because he tried to attack valix earlier and

it went really bad for him he's just like oh i think i think um i'm not going to try to bite the guy who's dead and making my friends dead ronnie you are up. Right on, right on, right on. I'm the Spider-Verse version of Matthew McConaughey. He's fat and from California. Did you guys see when he did that, like, self-improvement live video on YouTube a couple weeks ago no it I mean look it up it's archived on there it is he went on for like three hours he's like he's in an empty TV studio it looked like he like broke into Oprah's studio there's no one else there. There's really obviously canned cheers and laughter as he like makes up jokes. Oh, weird.

Like riffing and like, yeah, it looked like it was, he got really high and wanted something out there to help improve his chances of being Texas governor. Like it was just sort of, he was like, he was like, well, maybe if I just tell everybody to feel good, everyone will respect me more. Like just one random day. If he was serious, he'd probably fucking win if he got serious about it. Yeah. I don't think he is, though. I think he's a goof. I think he's a very silly boy.

And this video went on for so long. Did you hear the thing that supposedly him and Woody Harrelson are related? Yeah. It totally makes sense, right? Isn't it crazy? Oh, for sure. Well, yeah. And didn't Woody's dad date his mom?

Yeah. Oh, no. Like, it really could have happened. Yeah. And it's upsetting for McConaughey. Well, why? Well, because everyone started saying, hey, you guys should find out. And Matthew McConaughey has to be like, right, and then discover the person who I thought was my dad my whole life isn't.

And now there's this weird hiccup. So I think Woody Harrelson's kind of like, we should find out, or maybe not. Maybe we won't find out. That's where I'm at now. Would you want to be related to Woody Harrelson's kind of like, we should find out or maybe not. Maybe we won't find out. Yeah. That's where it's at now. But it's. Would you want to be related to Woody Harrelson? Yes.

Or Matthew McConaughey? Yes. Okay. One's easier to spell. They're both, neither one of them's canceled, right? They're both good, good old stoner guys. I thought they were okay. I thought, didn't Woody Harrelson, wasn't he like anti-vax or something?

Oh, really? SNL? Something like that. Yeah, didn't he? Wasn't he like, do your research guy? Oh, well, that sucks. And I know Matthew McConaughey did some like neoliberal-y type stuff too where he was, well, I think if you're rich you shouldn't

really have to pay taxes or something like that I don't remember or like where he said like we shouldn't make fun of Trump so much we should love him you know that kind of a thing like I don't agree with everything he says but we got to embrace our brother kind of a thing listeners I just made a face

that I've never made before laughter laughter laughter Kind of just like a... Listeners, I just made a face that I've never made before. Oh, wow. A little shoulder twitch, Brian? I like it. All right. Like a baby eating a petal. He got a pair of his friends.

It is your turn, Brian. Your turn, Brian. Nice. Okay. Yeah. Fucking slammed you. Finally, I get to stay. Yeah. Got you again. Yeah. Fucking slammed you. In your fucking face. Yeah.

Got you again. Wow. Kapowka pling. Right up to your face and diss you. Tuk-a-duk-a. Armblade. Oh, nice. 22.

That's a hit. Strong today. It is. You're rolling high. 10 damage. Take that, Lich King. You're just licking him all over his body.

I don't know if you saw but right as you said that my cat reached up and knocked my microphone away from me nice he's had enough of your shit he was like would you like to stab again yeah yeah

it's only right now bleh holy shit what's happening It's only right now. Holy shit. What's happening? That was straight out of Karpatch's Book of Moist. I turned into Rick and Morty. Will a 15 hit? Yeah. No, it won't.

No, it won't. No, his, I think I revealed on the last episode his armor classes. 18. Oh, well, well, OK. So I didn't hit him. I'm afraid not. I give him a look and I go next time. Do an intimidation check, Brian. For fun with my face.

D.D. No, it's with my face. Did you know with your nice face? He's rolling hot, you know, it'll go well. Yeah, well, OK, so he stares back at you. He heard you. It is his turn. And so he is going to do. That's what he's going to do. No.

He's kind of like getting sick of what's happening and going to fly away just go home now he's going to come around from the south and kind of head towards where uh dr uid and winifred and gus are You can take an attack. Is this Valtrex? Is this Valtrex? This is prescription Valtrex. Yeah, there's a husband and wife on bicycles riding up to me. Valtrex is moving? Yeah, he's moving towards you

and he's telling you my wife and I have been noticing you from across the bar. At least it's not Borat saying that. Brian, would you like to take an attack of opportunity as Valix kind of sneers and flies away from you? Yeah, fuck yeah.

Unblood? If you please. Take a business opportunity. yeah an investment critical it's time for another critical hit plus seven 27 27 all right so that going to be your damage coming. Let's see it. All right. 16.

Sweet 16. And you get to double the dice, which is seven plus six, which is 22 plus three. So 25 points. Nice. I'll take it. I'll take it. Yeah. So you really late.

You like, you know, he's flying past. You just kind of was deliberate disregard. That'll get you. Where do you want to hit him with that critical hit on his body there, Brian? His butthole. Okay. Specifically. So you slash his butthole. Yes. Would you like

to roll a 100? Isn't that Axel Rose? Roll a 100 for a critical hit. Oh, wait a minute. What? It's actually purple. Oh, fuck. And Duff was right there.

Oh, my God. Welcome to the butthole! Poor Duff. We got fun and games. I did a roast with Duff and he did not understand roast humor roasted Duff I said he looked like he was wearing

Iggy Pop's skin nothing's better than a roast where the person being roasted does not know the people roasting them boogie pop is that the doll with the big head no he knew who he was oh god did you ever see the i think it's like 2002 or 2001 roast of chevy chase oh yeah were you there for that brian i know i didn't go to that one i went to a bunch of those but no and i did one but uh it was so like he did not want to be there everyone was brutally vicious and he was he was just like vibrating with anger like yeah like someone told him it was gonna be a birthday party

and all that took it worse than trump did uh we had i did a metal one that sebastian bach did not take it well either i said he just looked he looked like his face was melting like he looked at the ark of the covenant and he was not happy that's a real sore spot for him because he has stolen the Ten Commandment tablets. He had them taken away by the government. Where were we? So you got that attack of opportunity on Valix. He notices, but you would like, I'm sure, to roll

a d100, Brian. For that crit. Oh yeah. You gotta roll a d100 on a butthole crit. That's in the player's handbook. You gotta roll a 100 on a butthole crit. Every five years after you're 45. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's gotta happen to you. Gotta roll the dice. Gotta roll the dice. Oh my goodness, Blaine. Gotta roll the dice. Gotta roll the dice. Oh my goodness, Blaine. Perfect.

You're perfect. I just scheduled a colonoscopy, by the way, in October. So let's give it up for the American health system. Time to see if your butthole is haunted. You can just do it yourself. I'm to see if your butthole is haunted. You can just do it yourself. I'm trying to roll the hundred, so I've got it up. Well, what you can do is just hit the detent twice.

We'll call the first number the first digit. Well, that's not right. I know that the one hundred on there can be. We are used to do one hundreds. OK, so I'm going to give you the first. It's so weird. How did they do that? I don't know.

What's weird is you figured it out, you did it correctly the first time. And I just rolled one and i go 99 nice oh what i just pulled a 99 that's fucking insane kind of critical i've been waiting so long initials on his butthole this will be the mightiest strike in the history of D&D. Now, Brian, can you please roll 3D8? 3D8. Yes. Baited breath much? What's gonna happen?

Oh my god, what's going to roll? Oh, Jesus Christ. This is all very exciting. All right, there's one d8. Yeah, so it was 5, 3, and 7. 15. Okay. So you do an additional 15 points of damage,

but you're slashing at his butt. And so as you connect, you like somehow catch the perfect angle. So your arm blade like scoops up because he's flying like under his robe. And as you pull the arm blade out, this piece of what you you're like is this robe or is this like like centuries-old undead flesh this like string of of tissue kind of like is stuck to your arm blade and like you pull it out like yarn out of a vacuum cleaner. It tugs at your arm blade a little bit.

If you want to destroy my colon. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pull this thread as I fly away. So, okay, he notices that. Fly away. Oh, he notices that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's his turn.

This was an attack of opportunity. So this is going gonna mean that he looks over his shoulder his eyes suddenly glowing green he raises a hand and one of his fingers dislocates and flies at you brian will you please do a dexterity savings what the oh it's quick reminder roll i wanted to use my thing on him, but I can't. Well, what do you mean? It's not an attack role. I have a thing warding flare that I can impose disadvantage.

Gotcha. This is a reaction. Yeah. 16. Okay. So you will get to have this i get to have it yeah it's yours it's your little geopet so he is just gonna claw you with a flying finger Just going to claw you with a flying finger.

Freddy, no! No, Bruce Lee could do that. For 13 points of piercing damage. It cuts into a tendon on your shoulder. I'm going to need some health at some point, fellas. Ryan, coming to you. Yeah, I'm low. He's gonna then look back the way he was

heading at Dr. Uwud. He's trying to call Dr. Uwud. Can you please do... This is definitely gonna make you feel alright. Can you please do a constitution saving throw, Blaine? Oh boy. 19 plus 3 uh 22 oh shit okay so um he tries to engulf

you in this black flame and you just kind of like steal yourself and somehow it just fades and blows away uh this really is gonna piss him off so he is now going to raise a hand and you all see this bright red tornado type uh tornado type visual. What is the word? It's not like a cloud. Cyclone? Yeah, it's like a cyclone of red magic energy

starting to form in the ceiling of the center of the room. Wow. And he is beginning to cast that. Up next is Hashinka. Gonna pop a couple more bolts at Orcus. is beginning to cast that up next is Hoshinka. Going to pop a couple more bolts at Orcus. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Oh, that's missing a hit.

So she is gonna do and then didn't you say somebody has advantage against orcas for the next attack or something something happened before to orcas that gave somebody advantage am i am i am i remembering that wrong yeah what's oh that was vicious mockery yeah that was vicious mockery that's what it was so did you do disadvantage on his next attack role got it sorry never mind yeah he yes you you you are good to remember that though because nobody here has a great memory i think except for maybe you and maybe sarah who the hell are you yeah i don't i don't feel great about you ken i just i'm really worried about you so 19 points

of crossbow bolt damage to orcus and orcus is up Orcus is up. He is going to try to stab you with his tail. Friar Jolly seems dumb. Seems dumb. What's your DC or AC excuse me? 21. Okay, so he does have to. So this could this is high enough for us.

Like this might be an automatic success on some on some characters. Then 18. So who he rolled super low. He's got a plus 16 to his tail attack. Oh, my God. Or guests, ladies and gentlemen. So he is now going to talk about tales from the dark side. He's got this big scimitar looking wand on his belt

that he's going to pull off and now swing at you. It is also possible he can miss this, but it is even less likely. 21 to hit wait wait wait hang on a 21 okay if he botched it that's different do you watch it no he rolled a two ah dan he should botch it that'd be more fun all right i'm changing reality hang on a second three d eight all right that's gonna be 28 points of necrotic damage. Oh, boy. Oh, I'm going to impose disadvantage on him for the shit of it with my warding flare to make him reroll, though. Highly unlikely he's going to get lower than a two, but we'll see. Well, you know what?

Am I too late? I think he's supposed to roll that with disadvantage per our last conversation. Oh, shit. That's right. So. I mean, he's going to stick with that, too. You can make him roll one more time. No, that's fine.

I'll take my licks. How much did you say it was that was 21 points 21 points of ouch damage dr uid's up Can I swing the moonbeam to follow Valix and get another thing in there? I'm also going to run the opposite direction from where he is. Okay. How far can the moonbeam go per turn? Range is 120 feet. So I'm just kind of, I want to...

Range is 120 feet. So I'm just kind of... I want to... You can move it 120 feet? No, the moonbeam has 120 foot range. How far can you move it, though? This is Valix, the big white... This guy right here? Or is that Orcus?

That's Orcus. And it's already on Orcus. You can move it to valix he is but valix is 30 feet away so i'm just making sure you can move it more than 30 feet or up to 40. okay sorry i'm i'm i'm uh looking this is the question 60 feet in any direction uh you can do that you can do that okay yeah i would like to swing it over to Yeah, you can do that. You can do that.

Okay, yeah. I would like to swing it over to Valix. Also, Orcus did just end his turn in the Moonbeam, so roll the damage on Orcus before you move it to Valix. That's 10 on Orcus, and then over to Valix. And does Valix need to make a constitution throw? He does. He does.

And I am really juggling a lot listeners. So I apologize if you're like, wait a minute, Dan forgot to say that. Yeah, he did forget, but I'm doing that. That I'm just not saying out loud. I am trying to narrate as we go as much of it as i can catch which i think is 90 of everything constitution and i'd say 91 for oh buddy thank you for your vote of one percent 18 what did he need remember I need health at some point fellas anybody that can help me sir yes sir

spell save DC at 16 alright so he does make it okay so he takes 7 points 14 okay and I am like I said I'm moving I'm running over here to kind of stay out of range of Oregon. Just sort of make myself a little harder to hit.

Okay. And was that your action? I think that was my action. The moon beam and move. Got it. And you are getting closer to Ronnie who is calling out for assistance. Okay. Yes, yes, yes.

That'll bring us to friar chile um let's see i'm in melee with orcus and i think i'm too far to actually physically make it to ronnie so i'm going to cast um up to 60 feet yeah i'm within 60 feet of Ronnie. I'm going to cast Healing Word. Let's see. At third level. So Ronnie, all of a sudden, the power of the silver flame engulfs his

muscly body. Oh, muscly. And he regains 13 hit points. Cool. To his sinewy calves. Thanks, pal. Absolutely.

And then, I don't think I can do anything else. I'm there with Orcus. I'm going to try and make a break for it. What's his name? Zizborch. Is he able to like walk or is he still like totally dazed he's totally dazed can i use uh my movement to clifford uh can i use my uh movement to get us around the table uh yeah he unless you have something to negate it will have

an opportunity attack isn't he flanked though isn't who flanked valgus orcas i mean uh neither of them are flanked at the moment i thought there were three people and i'm okay um two people are on them and they're both right next to them. Like they're both next to each other. Okay. And I'm trying to get him away from, uh, Orcus. It's a flank. You need to have people on two sides at more than a 90 degree angle. Right.

Okay. I'm not close enough. Not quite. Yeah. You're, you're 10 feet away. So almost. I don't want to get close to the guy well and we'll have to find out who is close man on the next episode oh my god of nerd poker of nerd poker oh wow good never heard of it hey Sam what do you think happened hi guys we're battling Orcus

he has a tail we're refreshing ourselves on cure wounds someone got a tail stuck in their chest we learned that Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson might be related Brian rolled a critical hit on someone's butthole and tore a piece of their butthole off Orcus shot a finger off at Danny Blaine is using moonbeam

to attack and ronnie needs help true every little better now uh dan anything you want to plug sure i'll be doing some shows around la there's going to be a really fun pop-up show that i'm not supposed to talk about publicly in la but it's very popular very cool show in la so please keep an eye out for that and i think part of that show might end up online also i'm gonna be at san diego comic con with this guy whose show this is that's right just kind of doing some sets crashing on some floors and san diego end of july and then i am working on some East Coast dates for the fall so please keep an eye out definitely

gonna make something happen you know gotta see Ted Leo and the pharmacists do their tour and work some stand up dates around it to justify flying out to where they're doing their tiny tour anyway maybe see you in Boston maybe see you in

New York. That's it for me, Brian. Cool. I'll be in, well, when is this air? Next Monday. Okay. Next Monday evening. I just had fun in Portland this last weekend, I'm guessing. But I've got, oh, in a couple of days,

if you're in LA, go to Patton's social media. I'm doing a show for him. He's got a book called Deadly, oh no, Minor Threats. And it's coming, the trade paperback is coming out and he's doing a party in a park. But like, get all the info from his social media. Trade Paperback is coming out, and he's doing a party in a park. But get all the info from his social media. And it's myself and Ron Funches are doing guest sets with Pat,

and he's going to do comedy too. So it's going to be a fucking crazy fun evening in L.A. in a park for free. So go to that. in LA in a park, like for free. So go to that. And then, uh, San Diego, I'm with my pals, Dan Telfer and Johnny Taylor from Sacramento. And, uh, it's going to be, the shows are going to be insanely funny. We're doing four and, uh, you might even glimpse Rhodes running into the green room. Cause Rhodes is going to be with me. And, uh, and then even glimpse Rhodes running into the green room cause Rhodes is going to be with me. And, uh, and then I'm doing the image panel and then I'm doing signing at the image booth at comic-con, um, whatever you bring me, but, uh, most specifically I'll be doing, uh, um, the Scott's McTiernan books. Um, and then we have a trade coming out from me and Jerry and Scott Koblish.

God, so many things. And, oh, I will also be with Brendan Small at the Metalocalypse panel, which is going to be fun. We've got a movie. I helped him. And by help him, I just said, that's funny. I said that a lot and I got paid. Anybody else? Blaine?

We attribute the success to save mankind from it. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well... Yo! On the next episode of NerdPoker! Brian Poseidon's bat. Count is three and two.

Base is loaded. Here's the pitch. It's a long, long, blistering line drive deep into center field. All this and Ken is admitted to the hospital for jelly testicles after getting hit in the sack with a blistering line drive. On the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus

episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino,, 91416. Thanks for listening.