Nerd Poker - S5E48 Maybe We Kill The Demon

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

With the megalich bamfing in and out of existence, Ronnie's Raiders realize they should perhaps focus on killing the pig lord of death, Orcus. Meanwhile the NPCs keep getting slapped around to the point of being a real moral investment. Will our heroes survive all this time management?! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Possehn. You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker.

It's episode 48. We did it. But we're winding down. I have full hit points. I to chris about it last night but uh i he thinks we think we're getting into some shit either today or next episode uh but here we go my friends are here hey chris what? Hey, man. I was just thinking, what if we all whaled on orcas today? Yeah, we should. Let's do it. Unintended?

Mm-hmm. Orcas are technically whales. Yep. And that's Sarah. Hello, Sarah. Man, Chris's blank stare at just noting that you said whale and orcas in the same sentence. I just was curious if you did it on purpose, but you gave me nothing on purpose. Nice. Brian.

So I got there. I heard you guys joking about my death in the, one of the earlier episodes when I was gone, um, about, uh, me getting sucked down the toilet by some rats. I don't know since when they're going to like pull me in,

but fine. Um, but I will say just're going to like pull me in, but fine. But I will say just before we start, before we started, do know that the second episode was not ready. So I've only heard what happened in the first one. I have no idea what I did or what happened after that. So this should be fun. Oh, a turbo team replaced your toilet with a toilet

that has a hole that's only big enough for farts. Oh, yay. Thank you so much that was my christmas gift that was blaine oh hey hi hello blaine how you doing everybody uh damn hi everyone how are you i'm okay i have a pug in my lap yeah i saw that meow what's that shirt says trust no one it's the spy versus spy spies in a yin yang stab each other position that's cool yeah this was my uh layoff bonus raiding the closet yeah mad magazine yeah i was wondering if that looked like a dc uh remnant blaine's got one too.

Idiots Untie. This is the shirt that Dan gave me for writing on Mad Magazine. Chris is here. Hey, man. Oh, we talked to you first, I think. Ken's here. Hi. Hey, pal. How are you? I'm good. i'm gonna go see the flash today

i had fun yeah okay good there's a shit ton of easter eggs that i know there's so many easter eggs and there's some worth it for some really cool moments right uh sam hi sweet children uh and there he is ramen he's up today the most expensive animatronic ever made yep it's really cool that you could afford a 40 million dollar toy. I know. It's thanks to our Patreons. Look at those little arms. God damn it. People.

Oh, and the yawn. Oh. Dogs don't look cuter than when they do, like, human shit. Like, when they rub their face with their paws. Yeah, when they're annoyed with your shit yeah yeah yeah i'm mave oh mavis is here everyone uh let's jump in by jump in i assume you mean let's thank some patreon supporters they go by usernames yeah it's what i like aiden the S is silent. Gervais. I did that just to be mean.

Thank you, a grim in the pink, two whimsies in the stink. Thank you, half-lit moon of the Newport moons. Thank you, boogie in your butt. Thank you, Jonathan Meyer. Thank you, LZ Vallis. Put a boogie in your butt. Thank you, sir. Put a tiny man in your butt. Thank you, Sir Richard's infected hand.

Thank you, Jeremy Rossman. Thank you. Pretty sure all of y'all would have killed that kid you're torturing Blaine about. Thank you, Sam Gibson. Thank you. I will raise you two toilet frogs. Thank you, Sam Gibson. Thank you. I will raise you to toilet frogs. Thank you. After five seasons of nerd poker, the winner of the best Patreon name is...

Put a toilet frog in your butt. Just talking about the problem. Thank you, Halliam. Thank you, Corpus Callisum. Thank you, TheFakeVince. Thank you, Amarthamon's Mighty Morphin Month of May. Thank you, TobFakeVince. Thank you, Amarthamon's Mighty Morphin Month of May. Thank you, TobleroneJones. Thank you, BlaineBlahBlah.

Who, Blaine? Who, Blaine? Who are, Blaine? Are, are, though, Blaine Patreons. Blaine, those Patreons brought to us by. Thank you, MrRatATurney, Legal Counsel for Defamation of Sewer Rats, Sewer Rats V. Gazzardo.

Thank you, Glenn Sugden. And finally, thank you, Genital Harpies, a.k.a. A. Turnham Dave. Thanks, Dave. Blaine, who are those harpies brought to us by? Those harpies brought to us by dog shoes. Confused, frustrated, provoked. Nothing dogs like more than being dressed in human clothing. Something else to wash dog shit out of. Something new. dog shoes. Confuse, frustrate, provoke. Nothing dogs like more than being dressed in human clothing.

Something else to wash dog shit out of. Something new. Dog shoes. And cup of soup roll-ups. Roll up, roll up for a hot cup of soup. Roll up, roll up for a hot cup of soup. No, no beetles were harmed in the making of this ad or consultant.

Dan? Thank you, Blaine. i wanted to show ken look i got my own salacious crumb plush oh all right that's a durable weird little dog making gurgling noises i think it's done uh it's time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Well, we got some tethers. Ronnie and Queep have red lightning-esque tethers connecting them to a cyclone of magic at the center of the room. Orcus waddled on in there and is available for whaling.

Everyone is attacking. I had Winifred hide behind a table. We now take you to the fight already in progress. Cool. Okay. So I believe we got to the bottom of the turn order. Sarah, are there any questions you have about where we left off since you

were, you know, absent. Yeah, I mean, I heard half the battle, I think, so far. So, unless there's something I need to know about. That's knowing. That's what I've heard as well. Unless there's something I need to know about, like my spell usage or something like that that I've already done.

I just, I was like, you know what, you got a good cantrip. So I just had you do vicious mockery. Okay, cool. I think two or three times. Good. Great. No, I'm set.

Ronnie, you are up. Yeah, man. Also, you're Jamaican now. Yeah, Jamaican me crazy, man. Are you Dean Martin? Yeah, man. Dean Martin, man. Keep going.

Dean Martin, man. I'm going to swing it. Okay. On a star. Nice. What are you going to do at something. Okay. On a star? Nice. What are you going to do with those moonbeams? Spin Crosby. Put them in a fucking jar.

And then I'm going to fart in the jar. I'd rather be a fish. We'll be right back. Is the guy close enough for me to uh stabby stab or uh is uh yeah you're well you're in front of orcas and right now i i could have mentioned this to be more convenient but valix is invisible or some other such place all right the people are wailing on the orcas All right. The people are wailing on the orcas.

Nice. Brian, I like what you did there. Well, no, I was just continuing what was happening. Take it back. Armblod. Okay. Roll to Armblod. There it is. I believe that is...

Uh-oh. It's a botch you blew. It's a botch you blew. Will you roll a 100 for the opening gambit botch? I sure will. Yeah. God damn it. Abelaine, who is this botch brought to us by?

This botch brought to us by 100% milk. Cows are done fucking around. 100% milk. Oh, wow, that's the same sponsor Joe Rogan has. That's pretty cool. We must be getting up there. Oh, 84. Okay.

You turn into a lumberyard. 84. Okay. You turn into a lumber yard. You take a swing at Orcus and he just naturally rolls his body to the side and you collide your arm blade with the table. You are going to take some permanent damage in addition to some

hit point damage. So that is you're going to take six points of force damage and you now have a disadvantage on dexterity saving throws as you feel a sharp pain go up through your central nervous system

oh I pulled a muscle in my shoulder uh trying to shove my Volkswagen out of an intersection when it uh stalled in 1998 and a couple days ago I uh I pulled that same muscle. So I know what you're going through, Brian. Anyway, I'll send you some pictures. One time I told a story about leaving a pizza on top of my car and driving away while I was holding a pizza. And then I talked to my friends for like 10 more minutes. I was like, oh, I got to get home while this pizza is still warm. And then I put the pizza on top of my car and drove away. There you go.

What an idiot. I mean, if I could have just pretended it was intentional, it would have been a solid bit. What do you do for your next attack? Are you going to give it another shot, Brian? Oh, yeah, sure. That one's an 18 indeed that is a hit 10 piercing

okay you slice into orcus's side and you've you've wailed on orcus get a little bit of demon ichor dripping out of his his gullet. What? Yeah, demon Iker, that's like blood. It's a demon I grew up in. Well, that do it for your turn, sir. You're going to you got any bonus actions you want to pull out? Yes.

All right. No. Up next is Valix. So he is going to reappear. He is now going to be sort of north central in front of one of the tables. And you guys all see him. He appears sort of floating, hovering

above one of the golden tables that has a desiccated corpse on it. He raises both his hands and you see this black smoke like energy rising out of the corpse and going into Valak's hands. Hmm. That'll do it for Valak's turn.

Ha Shinka is up and Ha Shinka seizes and takes a couple of shots. Right, Alex? It goes that. Oh, one of those is a hit. All right. Six points. Nice damage. Unfortunately, first one missed, so I'm not I'm not given that a thing.

Sorry. Thinking out loud, but with like not enough information up next is going to be Orcus. Uh, so Orcus just, let's see. I think we, we just, Oh, I should throw in. I think Fizzbort just got knocked back down to zero hit points. Does that sound right? Uh, Friar Jolly? He was, and then I healed him. And you said he was acting kind of weirdo, but he was strong enough to get recent.

The most recent thing I remember is that he got back up on his feet. Like he was able to sort of control himself again. Yes. Okay. Thank you for the clarification. Sure. So. Orcus is still not super worried about it, but he's going to notice, Friar Jolly, that you are putting him, putting Fizbord back into the battle.

And he is going to go ahead and try to bop you with his wand. Is this an attack roll? It sure is. I'm going to use my Warding Flare against him and impose disadvantage by glowing bright with the power of the Silver Flame! Awesome. A reminder, the insane bonus to him swinging his wand at people is something I think only Friar Jolly does not automatically get hit with.

So with the. Disadvantage, they both for twenty eight. Oh, well, I guess one of them will hit then, Dan. Okay. Yeah, he's going to hit you for 3d8 plus 11. Seems excessive. It's going to be 16 points. He's not one for moderation.

It's Orcus. And he's hitting me with his, like, physically, like, he's using his wand like a club or something. Is that right? He's bludgeoning you with it. Yeah. With the wand. Interesting. All right.

Yeah. Well, and he uses it, you know, like a club. But also, you're going to take some necrotic damage this is the one part at least there's not a huge plus bonus to this but yeah five points of necrotic damage okay ouch i'm at 54 hit points Ouch. I'm at 54 hit points. He's now going to swing his tail at Fizzbort. Which, that's a plus 16 hit, but I think, yeah. So that's going to be an automatic success.

God. So that's going to be an automatic success. God. So this is 3D8 plus eight. So smacks Fizzbort and Fizzbort goes back down. And that'll do it for his turn. Hey, Dr. Uwud, you're up. Oh, hi, Dan. Hey, I had turned into an earth elemental at the end of our last episode,

so I'm going to disappear into the ground, and I'm going to make my way over to underneath Orcus, and I guess that'll make my way over to underneath Orcus. And I guess that will be my move. Okay. That'll be my turn, I guess. And I'm still underground. That's fun. Well, thanks. We have fun here.

Then we're going to go to Friar Jolly. Friar Jolly, despite being paddled by by orcas sort of sees uh valix up to no good and so i'm going to cast uh what do i want to do i want to try and cast a guiding bolt against valix what level are you gonna cast that out guiding bolt is this is a first level spell all right then valix is going to lock eyes with you as you do that and he's going to use his dread counter spell reaction anything fourth level or lower is automatically

dispelled how many of those does he have Dan secrets love that one that's all I can do yeah that's it that's my turn alex you rat bastard

fizzbort's gonna do his death saving throw again he's gotta get the out of there when he wakes up doesn't he have hit points though or is he uh he just got hit with a tail and got knocked back into death. Nevermind. So that's a success. Poor boy. Winifred, you're up. All right. Well, my entire plan just fell to pieces once I learned that Valix can just dismiss a fourth level spell.

Is that correct? That's what I just learned by watching him do it to Fire Jolly? He used a reaction that I borrowed from another Arch Lich called Dread Counter Spell. Okay. So it's a reaction that I borrowed from another arch-lich called Dread Counter a spell. Okay, so it's a reaction spell when he's directly being attacked? Uh, do-do-do-do-do. When a creature

that he can see casts a spell, he has the opportunity to react. Okay, but I'm hidden behind a table, right? Yes. Okay, and then my final question is table, right? Yes. Okay. And then my final question is, he's like using the corpse that's on this table. Are there corpses on all of these tables still that we haven't done anything with?

Yes. Okay, here's what I'd like to do. I'm going to stay hidden behind the table and I'm going to cast greater invisibility on myself. Mm hmm. Mm-hmm. Then I'm going to pull the body off of this table and then moving counterclockwise around this circular room, I'm just going to grab each of the corpses and pull them off of the tables.

Okay. Whilst being invisible, hoping that that will prevent them from being used for nefarious purposes by him. Does that seem like it might? Yeah. hoping that that will prevent them from being used for nefarious purposes by him. Does that seem like it might? Yeah. Would you like to do an insight check to get an answer from me?

Sure, yes. I think Brian should do it. Into my skeleton pulling plan. Okay, that's a natural 20 plus. It seems very clear that those are some sort of energy that he is drawing from either either actively or in the moment in moments like now he is he is draining something so let's see how many i can get to this will be fun um also yeah what's your movement because i think you can get to another table no problem oh yeah i think, well, I actually only have 30. Yoinking a whole corpse off a table is your action, but yeah.

But I can move, right? Yep. Okay, yeah, so then I can move 30 feet after that. Sorry, I'm trying to get roll 20 to cooperate, but I'm going to move clockwise, as I said. I can't find any, clockwise, as I said. I can't find it. Ah, there it is.

Hold on. There's my little arrow, my ruler. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, yeah, I can just get to that next table. So I'll invisibly yank this skeleton off, like a magician doing the... I'm sorry. That did sound bad. I'm sorry.

I'm going to jerk this skeleton hard off the table. Now, wait a minute. You're making it funny off the table. I'm going to grab the bone and just pull it. Is that what you're saying? Fine. All right. So I'm going to get this guy off the table.

I'm imagining it like, you know, when the magician takes the tablecloth off the table and like leaves everything, I'm just going to like slide know, when the magician takes the tablecloth off the table and like leaves everything. I'm just going to like slide the skeleton right off while still hiding. So like, hopefully no one's even going to see it happening. Okay. I'm going to let you choose. Could you either, this is to get it off the tape.

This is partially inspired by you acting like this is a magician's trick, but also something that's real. You're going to try and get it off the table without it having some sort of noticeable visual. Well, I mean, yeah, I'm just going to try to do it quick and stealthy. I'm not going to like throw it up into the air like confetti. Got it. Okay, so then the two I'm going to let you choose between are either stealth or sleight of hand.

Okay, I'm going to choose. Either way, you're going to get it off the table but this is about how many bones will flop around because I'm afraid it is a slidey here we go

roll roll roll oh I rolled a four but I have a plus eleven you have a plus eleven you You have a plus 11. You very deftly just the whole thing right off. Oh my gosh. Now she needs a volunteer from the audience.

Yeah, you picked the right with that bonus. That's handy. That's handy. I'm going to say it's not an automatic success, but you only need to roll that a four. Okay. Well, so I do it, and then I run to the next table.

Which I assume is the one farther away from Orcus. As I said, clockwise. So, yeah, it's going to be the one. I missed the clockwise. Excuse me. Although, you know what? I always have to think about clockwise and counterclockwise like every single time i have to be like wait is that i have to do this like mentally in my head like that's clock okay that's clockwise so it is i believe i got it right this time awesome yeah i have the kind of adhd where if someone interrupts me my brain goes completely

blank for like 30 seconds so sometimes when we're talking over each other i just kind of go like and fade into the distance like i'm stoned but if that's going to be your turn great will you move your token over to the table as you prep for another patient i will creep you're up yeah well i'm gonna throw that great blade of kukla lovely uh that's a before you tell me which person are you doing this towards yeah sorry thank you for apologizing yes the guy in front they're kind of like equal distant from you right now actually the other the the red guy with the big wing that could be anyone now look here dan um the what are you talking about what's

this guy's name yeah i'm sorry if i fucked with you to the point of it just being confusing valix is just reappearing at a table to your left to the north. So he's like just he's he's 15 feet to your left and Orcus is 10 feet to your right. All right. Well, I'm hoping to finish. Okay. Orcus. Good luck with that. And I roll.

Fucking hell. Roll 100, please. All right, then. Seven. five. All right. Call your shot. Where are you trying to hit Orcus with your axe? Where is he the most wounded?

He is very tall, so everyone's kind of been wailing on his hips. I'll go for his face. You know, it's the toss. Boomerang toss. Okay, let's see. That is 14, double, 28. Okay. 28 to the face.

Nice. I saw 28 to the face open for no effects. Catch my blade and throw it again. I saw 28 to the face open for Megan Trainor. Nice. It works.

Surprisingly, it also works. She was into it. The crowd loved it. She out and uh did a katy perry cover with him who did uh that was a 16 i think that is yeah that's a mess unfortunately yeah poop all right and i'll just go back to watching everybody i may have mentioned this last time we recorded but you've taken enough swings i feel like it might be fun to just straight up tell you for you and the listeners benefit you would have figured out valix's ac at this point is an 18 and orcasis is 17. feel free to take a note if you like. The sessions can get spread out, so it's like, I think, handy for me to mention it if we've taken a dozen or two swings.

If that is your turn, that is your turn. The dog that lives in my beard is out. Licky, it looks like she is in your... Can you get Mavis in your lap like that the beard is out no and survive no

the beard is out it's all for you yeah keep going Gus is up Gus is Gus is going to Gus was right there when Winifred

yoinked a corpse off the table, so he sees what's happening and he is going to will someone roll a d6 for me? Anyone volunteer vocally and then literally rolling rolling blaine beat you to it 105. so we're gonna go one two three four or five he is going to bravely fly let's see how much can he fly oh yeah he can maybe do this just get the mid ruling out

yep towards the table right behind orcus uh and he is he's not making a noise doing it he's not doing his typical battle cry he is squinting making a noise doing it. He's not doing his typical battle cry. He is squinting his eyes fiercely. You all note. Brian, you're up. Oh, OK. Anybody else flanking him?

Yeah, actually. Fire Jolly in particular has got him at the right angle i'm right why you want me leader so i can uh i can roll it you may excuse me you're welcome listeners low low low roll another ugh two lame ones in a row sorry well you get to do two more

oh that's right come on bigger than 11 or a 13 you fucker there you go there it is nice yeah roll that damn you fucker there you go there it is nice yeah roll that damage Brian rolled a 23 folks

and me he's going for the crit with that advantage not quite now you're rolling damage right that's 5 plus what yep what's your arm blades Right. That's five plus what? Yep.

What's your arm blades bonus to damage after the die damage? OK, seven. Great. So you stab Orcus more more Iker splattering onto the floor. Well, that do it for your turn, sir? Yeah. All right. Valak is going to clap his hands together, and you notice the corpse underneath him

kind of pop into a cloud of dust and settle onto the slab. Ooh. settle onto the slab. Ooh. He is now going to cast a spell, just kind of waving his hand in a circle, and you briefly see

some sparkling runes appear in the air and fly just kind of like gently towards the cyclone, laughing to himself. And up next is Hashinka, who is going to try to shoot him again. And that's going to be two hits. All right.

So 16 points of piercing damage to Valix. Nice. Yeah. So piercing damage to Valix. Nice. Yeah. And then we're going to head on over to Orcus, who's feeling himself getting stabbed in the gut and going to turn around towards Ronnie.

Come here, Orcus. So he is going to hold his wand up high and a wave of black energy is going to roll out of it towards you so this is going to be an attack called necrotic bolt that is plus 15 to hit jesus Jesus. We have 32 to hit. 32 to hit. All right, Ronnie, you're going to get hit with 3d8 plus 8. The hell? 31 points of necrotic damage, Bran.

Yikes. Holy fuck. The energy just sort of smashes into you, and it feels like your skin is getting slowly peeled off. People pay good money. Ouch. In L.A. Oh, my God.

If you need a salon recommendation. Clearly, I was inspired by a very talented player. Dr. It is up. I'm going to come up from underneath Orcus and I'm going to grab him by the tail

and I'm going to start and you get to make a wish yeah and I'm going to start swinging him around can I do that alright now Orcus is what is called size and creature type was a huge fiend so you can try that tickled me okay i'm around i would like to you know what you know what i'm gonna do instead remind me what you will remind me what you turned into i turned into a uh an earth

elemental okay so i'm gonna pull it up just so i have the stats so when you say things like that i won't give you like a oh that sounds crazy kind of reaction i'll give you i am looking at your sheet and this is exactly how it makes me feel kind of reaction yeah so i can earth glide i can burrow through non-magical unworked earth and stone uh so i'm doing that i'm gonna come up and i'm going to uh i'm just going to kind of grab him by a leg and try to crush one of his legs. Can I do that? Would that count as a bludgeoning attack or should I just start pounding on his balls?

To grab him, you are going to do a contested strength check. And I just linked to the earth elemental stats in chat if anyone else, including Blaineaine would like to take a look, see, you do have a plus five to your strength. Not quite as high as Orcus is, but you could potentially win a contest of strength with Orcus in elemental form.

Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to pop up. I'm going to pop up underneath them and just start punching them in the balls. Well, that I will count as a sneak attack.

And I could do two slam attacks. I could do two of those in a round. Just crush those balls, Blaine. Like that kid. So that's an 18 plus 5. That's a hit. Oh, I'm sorry. 18 plus 6.

Or 18 plus 8 with which sets to 26. And a 14 plus... 22. So, okay, take the high number and roll your damage. And that's 2d8 plus 5. Throw an extra d6 in there for surprising him in the nuts. Yeah. for a d6 in there for surprising him in the nuts.

Yeah. 10, 15, 20 points. Oh, all right. He takes 20 points of nut flick damage. And can I, is that it for me? Can I sink back into the ground? Let's see. That was my favorite.

I'm going to turn this on. Not like damage. Not like damage. Damage to nuts. I'll let you sink back into the ground, but you are, I'm going to say you're still exposed. Like you're still the top of the ground. You can't burrow or anything. So if he wanted to, he could, he could hit you. He would just going to say you're still exposed. Like you're still the top of the ground. You can't burrow or anything.

So if he wanted to, he could hit you. He would just have to look. Okay. I'm going to do the little Oscar the Grouch thing and with a little garbage can lid on my head. Excellent. Just because I'm going to say coming in or out of the ground is going to be half your movement okay up next is gonna be friar jolly dan may i ask you a magic question

sure the the mana pool is a series of cards that allows now what were you gonna ask um this uh red cyclone that has a couple tethers to our friends and that valix is kind of chuckling about yes he summoned that with a spell right like yes all right i'm going to catch my breath take some focus for a moment and then at fourth level i'm going to try and cast dispel magic i guess at the cyclone that's fun can you do an intelligence check i'm sorry no he's going to do an intelligence check for this it's a oh the way you're gonna you're gonna do yeah you're gonna do an intelligence check, and this is going to be... For each spell...

Versus his... Yeah, make an ability check using your spellcasting ability. The DC is 10 plus the spell's level. Yes, correct. So a spell attack. Okay, so let me do that. I'll just do it. It's a D20, and then we're going to add a nine to this.

Okay. For my spell effect. Nice. 16 plus 9, 25. Tell us how it looks as you dismiss the cyclone. What happens is, yeah, so he catches his breath and he reaches out i think probably with both hands and i call forth the silver flame and flames kind of not damaging flames but cosmetic silver flames fly out of my hand up into the center of the cyclone and there's i, I'm sure, some squeaking and crackling.

And then the cyclone, you know, like at the end of Twister, it just disperses. And it's beautiful outside, Dan. As you dismiss the cyclone, you notice there is what looks like the reflection of flame in valix's eye sockets and then as the flame disappears from the cyclone the flame is still in his eyes and he is just staring at you he is very displeased and is going to to burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp. Can he do this? No, he can't do what I want him to do,

but he is very riled up. Oh, maybe later on we'll wrestle. All right. Fizzbord's going to do a saving throw unless you got something else for us, Fire Jolly. No, that's it. That's it for me. Weird burp, Chris.

Thank you. Fizzbrain. All right, we got another success. He's one success away from gently opening his eyes as he's covered in his own blood. Up next is going to be Winterfred. Okay, so next is going to be winter fred okay so i'm going to um yoink the body off the table roll to you like you the bodies on the table oh my god well that was a three so i actually didn't do it that successfully because that's

a 14 and you said it needed to be 15. Yeah, I want a 15 for this. So it just makes a loud, dull thud as it hits the ground. You know what? That's actually okay because the other thing I was going to do was I was going to call I'm using my actor feet in the voice of the guy who was chained up and and like making things for Alex. Remember that guy that we met? Yes, he was. He was a sort of enslaved minor lich that was in a tower

shortly after you broke into the castle. So right before I book it to the next table, I'm going to call out in that guy's voice to Valix like I'm going to laugh like him and then I'm going to be like, you think I haven't prepared these fools well enough to defeat you? Your time is over, Valix.

And then I'm going to book it invisibly to the next table. You know I'm going to make you roll a deception check for that. Okay. And now you're going to sing the national anthem while Alex drinks a glass of water. So I have, as part of my actor feat, I have advantage on deception and performance checks

when trying to pass myself off. Nice. As a different person. That's fun. So let's try that one. Oh! as a different person that's fun um so let's try it um okay so that is a tweet

all right uh so you're pretty busy can i just have you roll a perception check winter fred actually everybody roll a perception check everybody roll a perception check, Winifred? Actually, everybody roll a perception check. Everybody roll a perception check. Perception. 17. 17. 24. Ronnie, Ronnie. Yes? Perception?

When you're into perception, here's how I'll write. If you got a 15, you noticed, but Valix, first you hear Winifred imitate that guy's voice. I'll say, Ronnie, you kind of hear it, but you're not exactly sure who it's supposed to be, but the rest of you recognize it as that lich. How dare you, sir? It's just, it's not your fault. Ronnie's just busy

stabbing with his hands. But you all see Valix go from looking like he is going to just strangle Friar Jolly to kind of losing all of the tension that he had in his

face and kind of like panicked looking around. Sarah, I don't think I've ever seen you dance before. Well, you know, not to brag, this is the second time I've seen Sarah dance and you just have to like, you know, consult your astronomy guide and see when next the dance

is coming around the earth the almanac i only danced smugly that's my only only one of the smug dance yes you all right anything else for your turn queen uh well i'm so i i did that i ran to the next table i pulled yeah so i think we're gonna with the next, as we call it in gaming, clockwise table. Yeah. All right. Queep, you're up. Attacking, attacking, attacking. Sarah, will you drop your token about where you'd like to be?

I assume like the bottom. Same as it ever was. Yeah, yeah. Same as it ever was. First one's a miss. Second one's a miss second one's a mess fine you okay you have a hairball look at my my thumbs well does this creep say anything when he feels this way does he vocalize it this way? Does he vocalize it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it got a little like teasing. Oh, by the way, look at this. Wait, wait. I totally missed it. That was behind you. Giant double-headed axe. That's the blade of Kukla. How big is that in reality?

That's terrifying. It's huge. Wait a minute. Is that actually modeled to look like the Blade of Kugla? How are we not talking about this the entire episode? Jeez. It's full sack. Holy shit. Wait. This is crazy.

Wait, does that be hanging up? Oh, my God. I am looking at Aaron English's. Okay, I'm looking at Aaron English's art. If you look at the banner image on Twitter for Nerd Poker, that is exactly what it looks like. Holy shit! That's fantastic.

The eye lights up. Oh my god. No way. Incredible. Bill, you're the greatest. That's huge. The greatest thing I've ever seen. Wow. Bill's the winner. Holy shit. Well, that has got to be the most elaborate piece of fan creation anything that we've had that's insane no one's made a

weapon real life size that lights up thank you everybody who does stuff like this, but I am blown away. Who was at Patton's bachelor party? Yeah. Blaine, were you? Was it when Eddie Pepitone came in and knighted Patton with that sword? Yeah. We got him a full-size sword and didn't tell him that Eddie Pepitone was coming. And we were at a restaurant that's all like- It's Lowry's Prime Rib on Los Anagers. For LA, too. was coming and we were at a restaurant that's all like conservative for LA too

yeah so there's like a bunch of old republican dudes there eating steaks and shit and fucking Eddie Pepitone comes in in a full cape and very loudly yeah acts like he works there

and found Patton and gave him the sword that was you know to signify his getting married and it was this huge fucking three and a half foot broad sword

it was this massive thing Eddie looked tiny handing it to Patton who also looked tiny well if any of you uh would like me to do it i do have a massive two-handed broadsword uh nice i'll say i'm gonna get out of lowry's prime rib and start knighting people so sam said he's gonna cut this for video we're gonna try and put video of that axe on patreon but i would love ken if you could send us uh us folks who might or might not have access to nerd poker's instagram a photo of that thing because the the details fucking sick and also if that if uh do you know

if that person has something that we could say in during plugs yeah it's the he it's the guy who one of the guys who works on the anime halloween for oh yeah well something that we could say in during plugs. Yeah. It's the, he, it's the guy who, one of the guys who works on the anime Halloween. Oh yeah. Well, if he's got a site that would,

or Instagram, that would be awesome. If we could, he's probably a Halloween headquarters right now. He doesn't. Maybe it's stuck. Stop. You don't think he does.

Okay. No. Well, that is, that is a loss for America. That thing is insane. Wow. Yeah, it's like, do you ever go to a convention and you see somebody in an elaborate costume and they've got their own table and it's like a whole club and you're like,

how do I? And they're like, just go in your garage and spend, you know, $7,000. Yep. So, yep. The only one left in this round is going to be Gus. So you, Brian, see Gus kind of fly around behind you, attempting to avoid getting too close to Orcus. avoid getting too close to Orcus. And he not

clumsily, but sort of abruptly grabs a little corpse on the table by the leg and yoinks it. And it clatters to the ground. He then flies over to the next table

counterclockwise. I purposely, I thought about making Gus invisible and asking him to do this, but I didn't want him to get involved. He's so small. How about you go for him? But he's so brave. He is.

All right. And then we're going to come back to the top at Ronnie. You're up, sir. Arm blad. How does Orcus smell, do you think? Come in, Orcus. Is he like one of those evil guys? He smells bad.

He smells really good. Like super clean, like smells like cucumbers and cologne. Ew. Ew. Do you want to roll a second time with advantage and see if you can get a crit, Brian? Yeah.

Not quite, but roll that damage. There you go. Nice. Nice. Cool, go for that second attack, too. As you slash through Orcus's side. By the way, like, at this point, Orcus is really cut up around his midsection.

He's really cut? I assumed that. He does so many sit-ups. 23. He missed hoof day, though. I got a 21 and a 23. I will take the 23. Six.

Excellent. One more cut to Orcus. I mean, Orcus looks even more cut. And he kind of purrs and flexes well i think i'm not sure we haven't gotten the warning but i think we are at about time so i think we're gonna have to find out what valix does as he is next in the turn order on our next episode i bet he's gonna poo his pants. Of nerdy pokes. Hey, Sam, hi.

What do you think happened? Alright, I was in a meeting for the first part of this show, but when I came in, Licky was in Brian's lap, and Gus is watching Winifred yoink a corpse off a table. Dr. Ud is trying to crush one of his legs, just crushing one of his balls Friar Jolly is

attempting to dispel magic on a cyclone and he killed it and Ken is a real double-sided axe uh yep I'll be doing shows around LA and I I think Uh, yep. I'll be doing shows around LA and I go, I think end of July, I might be headlining a show in San Diego.

I'm still waiting for details on that. And then I might be doing a new England tour like September, October. So I'll be posting dates for that as soon as I can keep an eye out for it. And if you are in like the, let's just say Boston area and you have a venue that you want to see if you could get me at, say like a music venue that feel free to tell them they should book me.

And we will, we will get right on that. That's it for me. Cool. book me and uh we will we will get right on that that's it for me cool i've got a comic con with uh with dan and johnny taylor i meant uh you asked dan yeah johnny just made that ad himself he didn't even know you were a part of the show he put that out yeah you posted it and i was like i didn't see him post it i did i didn't oh it's on your instagram it was my uh but it's my the guy that works for me i don't post anything american comedy company uh in san diego we're doing four shows dan is indeed a part of them. I will be paying out of pocket. It'll be hilarious.

And you might even catch a glimpse of Rhodes Posse hanging backstage. I've got an image signing. I've got an image panel with Rick Remender. I've also got a metalocalypse panel with Brendan Small. I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be a fun one. If SAG lets us promote things, we'll see what's happening with the strike by then.

I'm also at the Writers Guild strike. Come by and say hi to Blaine and I buy us coffees. Bring us pizza. We like coffee. Hang right at Jinkies. Yeah. Well, there's pizza there every day at Radford.

There's free pizza pie and I have not been partaking. Uh, but let's see. Oh, and then I've got, uh, Denver with, uh,

Johnny Taylor and, some other dates, but Brian P've got Denver with Johnny Taylor and some other dates. But BrianPassane.com is where you'd find those. Blaine. We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well. All the next episode of Nerd Poker.

Toilet Rat signs with UTA. All this and Dan is Chris. Sarah is Brian. Sam is Ken. Blaine is Ramen. On the next Freaky Weeky. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker.

And you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening