Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 1

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

Our heroes meet around Brian's table for the first time in almost 4 years! And some other heroes show up (the pencil and paper kind). There's two mountains, a dragon, and a nest. How will we rid this valley of the terrifying dragon menace? Only time will tell!  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. You could call it season six, you can call it seven if you're nasty. And we're back at the house this season. My friends are here. Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course, our kick-ass DM, Dan Telfer. You'll hear Rhodes occasionally. You'll hear my wife.

Post-COVID, we played Zoom for a while. Some episodes, I would get sleepy. I'm a new Brian Poussin. I'm losing weight. I'm happy to be alive. I had a crazy car accident last year. I'm a different man, and it's a different show. Welcome to Dirt. Welcome back to my house. It's been three years. This is Rhodes Poussin. You're listening to Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker.

This is the Mount Campaign. And as always, we are sponsored by Sierra Mist. Unofficially, but we're still sponsored. Thanks, buddy.. Thanks, buddy. Good night, buddy. Enjoy Fortnite. Probably going to play something with the mature. He still does Fortnite.

We just talked about how we both play Fortnite. He still plays. That's a man that lives here. Me, I live in Brian's garage. Mel Rhodes. I forget what we used to do. Did we introduce each other? You introduced yourself, then everybody else. It's just like Zoom.

I'm going to pretend it's Zoom. It's so crazy. It's really weird to see everybody sitting in pretty much the same places. Blaine. Hi, Brian. It's weird not being able to mute myself before i fart smell my feet they're right there oh no kent's here hi brian how are you hey pal it's so nice that we can all embrace while we play yeah it's weird embracing now. You guys got to go to the crappy McDonald's by my house.

Apparently it works now. Oh. You got what you asked for? Yeah, they leveled up. They fired the idiot. Chris is here. Hi. Hey, pal.

It's nice to not have to constantly mute my dogs. Thanks for coming over here, Sarah. Oh, thank you for having me. sarah hi it's me i'm here yay it's weird as hell it's weird in an hour we'll do some whiskey shots and it'll be just like the old days dan hi brian whiskey i feel like i'm it's right there forgotten how convenient no one's had it in 48 you how convenient that is Brian has a little whiskey alcove right over Ken's shoulder and

you may still have a bottle of Balvenie that I gave you before the pandemic that would be a popular one I would drink that you may have finished it maybe I'll help you finish one of these bad boys.

Yeah, nice. And our engineer, Sam. Hi, sweet children. What is Robin doing? Right now, he's... I have no idea. He dropped off, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's outside somewhere. Check the nanny cam. He's just circling. Yeah, he's in the car driving around. I brought my cats. I locked them in one of your bathrooms. Enjoy. That's not true. No, it, yeah. He's outside somewhere. He's just circling. Yeah, he's in the car driving around. I brought my cats. I locked them in one of your bathrooms. Enjoy. That's not true. No, it isn't. You look so scared.

So, it's a new campaign. How do you want to handle this? Well, I should thank some Patreon supporters. Wouldn't that be crazy? Cool. I will then go right to Patreon where we are supported by folks with usernames like burnt sienna hulk thank you burnt sienna hulk i remember him thank you smeltsy thank you philip rainsford

thank you michael barrel camp thank you lord iraqan thank you skylar mcvaw thank you jason stevens thank you samuel jeremiah craven thank you like a bat out of the nine hells i'll be gone when the morning comes thank you thank you is stelia naoli and thank you for the phonetical pronunciation of a stelia that you put in a parenthetical right in the middle of that thank you for tacos thank you Rain in parentheses like rain. Paul, it's spelled different in the beginning. Thank you.

Bjorn with it. Thank you. Flint iron fist. And finally, thank you. Tick tock. You don't stop dot dot dot making me happy. Blaine,

who are those supporters brought to us by? Badress borders brought to us by Herb Schwartz Only fans. Click here. Watch me helicopter my cock and balls. Join my platinum tier and I'll put a whole bag of baby carrots on my ass. My wife says it's something

to see, God rest her soul. Everything I make goes toward my hemorrhoid surgery. They look like them little champagne grapes. The Herb Schwartz Only fans. Click and subscribe, Dan. Thank you, Blaine. And thank you, Herb Schwartz.

Welcome new listeners. This is so awesome to see Sarah's face from four feet away. He just dove right back in and it's great. We get to see the notebook and everything. The holy tome. Alright, well. I'm going to say

just a little bit about the campaign. Some of which you guys already know, but most of which nobody here at the table knows i had them all make level five characters and so this little prologue is uh it's gonna be news to them they knew they knew at least casually that i had well maybe they forgot that i was throwing around the the mountain campaign phrase but uh i will go through this

and then we will go around the table this time on nerd poker Baron Shuffy of Farentown has put a call out for heroes and our crew has picked up the metaphorical phone the air of Farentown reeks

of sulfur and death and you can tell the origin is from the burned spans of Western Village, where the dragon has laid waste to over a hundred townspeople. Our crew ascends the long stone steps to the town hall, atop are two nervous, clearly underpaid guards. Somewhere in the mountains there is a young dragon named Glut and it needs to be slain. Let's all find out

who you will all be playing in the mountain campaign. Are you nervous because you already know you have to kill a dragon and you're level five? I would be. Better recruit a lot of NPCcs too many if we follow the nerd poker tradition hey ken who will you be portraying in our adventure i will be portraying

pish posh the dragonborn sorcerer former uh investigator slash detective uh and there was a full backstory there was a case i couldn't solve and for that I was ashamed and I left my town for this campaign which I am going to say is like a monster hunting campaign so if you would all like to weave that into your backstories

you're hunting a big one this time alright I heard another dragon it is a little awkward for you but this one's a real asshole oh I don't want to hurt another dragon. I know, awkward for you. It is a little awkward for you, but this one's a real asshole. What if he's your daddy? Oh, I don't care for that voice. No, that's the most unsettling thing you've ever done. Oh, boy.

My mother's Vulcan and my father's dragon. Hey, Sarah, speaking of unsettling, who will you be playing? Was that one unsettling, too? Yes. I'm going to be playing a character named juniper sharp um juniper is a technically a monk although uh i don't know dnd monks are interesting in that way um she uh comes from a monastery which is known far and wide for their incredible mead they brew all kinds of

mead um and they also uh make a little cha-ching on the side uh by hunting monsters so this works out great for her that explains why she might be there um sidebar i sarah am actually terrified to uh play this character because did you say the subclass oh sub the way of the drunken master yeah which doesn't mean that you're drunk when you're fighting it means that you use the style but yeah um there's a lot going on on this on these many papers and i'm gonna do a little complicated on paper so i'm i'm excited to dive in please forgive me in advance i'll try to you all wow all right at least we know we have to forgive her she's gonna really do something fucked up this campaign real bad buddy i'm gonna set a forest on fire with her fists oh yeah hey chris uh i am going to be Dallytail Sharktwig.

I am a squirrel ranger. What? Yeah. So imagine a... Sarah's not liking it. Specifically a red squirrel. So sort of this reddish orange-hued squirrel dressed up kind of like in a little Robin Hood style,

like a medieval green and tan tunic uh he's got a bow um and uh he uh definitely fancies himself sort of the hero of the forest so you'll are you like a man-sized squirrel no he's like a squirrel i think he's small so he's probably you're shorter than a halfling right yeah i'm whatever however small you can be so i think i am size small if that helps yeah so like what is that like two three feet something like that okay squirrel versus dragon looking for no just like we got a lot of um okay i look forward to hearing more i'm sure that i'm sure that blaine is going to be playing a normal straight ahead human being.

Always. Thank you, Chris. Blaine, who will you be? I'm playing Herb Schwartz, the helicopter of cock and balls. I fire baby carrots out of my ass. I'm kidding, of course. Meow, meow. I am blep. Meow, meow meow i am a tabaxi cleric from the cliffs of heath

i grew up on the fields of gar i was adopted by an elf who raised me as one of him but then he had allergies and i had to get dropped off at a rescue. But then the rescue burned down and I managed to escape into the street. I lived off garbage, pulling fish down into my mouth and pulling out a skeleton. And wearing a top hat while people threw shoes at me. Meow, meow, meow. But I worship the cat god Yirtong. And I get my powers from magical yarn. Yep.

Anyway, one thing I do love chasing is squirrels. I was going to say. Meow, meow, meow. I didn't want to force anything, but I do feel like somewhere in your tabaxi brainstem, you are triggered a little bit by climbing these steps to the town hall with a little squirrel next

to you. Whisker twitch, whisker twitch. Or we've got an incredible Romeo and Juliet situation. Or Simon and Simon. I have a feeling this season is going to be heavy on the furry fan art. I mean, and plus we got a lizard man oh my god who's a lizard man a dragon oh no lizard dragon that's you should

you should take offense did you say you're human or elf sarah i'm a human okay so you guys not your character variant humans you're like a you, you're like a Steve Irwin. Feats, feats, feats, feats, feats, feats,

feats. What did you take? Wouldn't you like to know? I mean, that's why I asked that has not created a character. No, I have. I just,

I kept switching it so many times that I honestly can't remember what I actually said. So many feats. I'll, I'll hear Brian countries and stuff. And then I'll, and then I'll drop my feet. Brian, we got a real crew of weirdos. Would you like to contribute the most stoic character of all time?

I'm done. I don't know what you're doing. Please tell everybody what you're doing. Hi, everyone. My name is Mordecai Gray Menace IV. You might have heard of me. Well, my family's famous and I was in the law. I was a lawman for a while, and I was in...

Not let go, but I let myself go, because I had some problems with the legal system, the local legal system, and I found some corruption and cleaned it up. And now, if you have problems, I can make them go away. problems with the legal system the local legal system and i found some corruption and uh cleaned it up and now i uh if you have problems i can make them go away and uh people know how to find me they call me the equaler sometimes because i equal things out and what is what is your uh species and class i'm a tief tiefling fighter, fifth level champion. I was a pit fighter for a while when I was...

My parents think I disgraced myself, but I think the police force disgraced themselves. And I'm always looking to right wrongs. I feel like you might be played by like timothy oliphant or something what do you think i don't know who that is he's the sheriff in the mandalorian i know that's pretty right he's an elephant famously the elephant sheriff are you and you're famous as the equaler like We would all know. Word on the street is the Equalor is in town. If you get into trouble,

you could do worse by hiring. Oh, I might. Well, you all do meet each other on the stairs going up. There was an inn nearby where all of you started to bump into each other until a guard came by and brought you to the bottom of the stair. You are now walking past the two nervous guards who they look like they're very new in addition to being underpaid through some large doors. And you are introduced to Baron Shuffy. You are in Farentown, and Farentown is a large village,

but it is smaller than it once was because there is a dragon hiding up in the mountain above. Hmm. And he has, I'm sorry, she has, Glut is a she. It is a young dragon that has a very strange reputation, and the Baron is ready to tell you more and says, Greetings. Hi, thank you for coming.

The last Baron died. So like recently. And so forgive me if I am a little unsure of what this even really entails. But we put a call out and I'm glad uh some new folks some fresh meat all right showed up and um yeah uh uh i'll do anything i can uh are you do you guys have weapons you want weapons i got weapons nothing magical but you know there's a lot of dead soldiers i can i can hook you up you have nothing to fear friend we together we will help oh it can talk oh i thought that was one of your familiars it it calls me i shall call

you it sir okay sorry i'm still getting used to this whole thing um so is this a hereditary title or did you just were you elected yeah yeah yeah it's hereditary it used to be my uncle okay i'm sorry to hear he's buried under um under uh under rubble somewhere were you close uh no oh well still i'm sorry why wouldn't it pass to your mother or father oh they they're dead. They were with your uncle. Yeah. How did he wind up under rubble? Well, the...

So this dragon is very scary and powerful. It is some sort of black dragon. It breathes this heavy fire that sort of explodes as it hits the ground and covers all the buildings and in like heavy flame. It's hard to describe. I don't know what it is, but it's like magical

heavy flame and it's horrible black wings glimmer in the moonlight. It comes at night and it whispers to all of us in our minds when it's coming. And it says, you must leave. This is my mountain now. And we're all like, we've been here for centuries and you just moved in a few months ago. Why do we got to go? And it doesn't answer. It just starts dropping this heavy magic flame stuff

on all the houses and everything gets flattened and becomes rock. It's very scary. So yeah, a lot of people dead. and becomes rock. It's very scary. So, yeah. A lot of people dead. What else can I tell you? This is Mount Farkness above us. That is, we know the dragon is in there.

Her name is Glut. And she's been bringing a lot of treasure that she got from, I think, an elven city that she destroyed. And she's just kind of moved in. And so there's that. There's also a mountain range sort of behind it. And so there's sort of like two ways you could do this. The first way is like you could just like go up Mount Farkness.

You could just like go up the mountain. Seems fine. Except there's a problem with that, obviously. We've tried and there are several, we'll just say multiple army-ish issues with that. There's a lot of these, they're called kobolds, these little black reptilian creatures that have sworn themselves to glut have sort of put outposts along the road. There's just hundreds of them. So it's hard to go up just the road to the mountain top where we used to have a really nice vacation cabin, my family, but I don't think it's there anymore. But there is a cave that we would sometimes bring tourists up to and give tours.

This cave is really beautiful. It has a lake in it, but Glut has taken the cave over. And all these kobolds won't really take the road easily. I mean, you guys seem strong. Maybe you could kill a few hundred kobolds. I don't know. But the other way you could get up there is just through the wilderness. You could just kind of go through the wilderness. There are a lot of scary monsters in the wilderness, so that could make it tricky. And then there's sort of like a third way we could handle this. The dragon on a nearby mountain has a nest full of eggs, and you could lay a trap in the nest. And I know how you could get up there. And in addition, it's worth 100 platinum pieces, those eggs. They're crazy desired.

All kinds of other towns have told us if we wanted to bring them one of these eggs, they would pay us 100 platinum. It sounds really good, but everyone's been killed already, pretty much. That would be strong enough to do it. And no one really wants to go up that mountain because the only real way to the nest is, because it's very rocky cliff faces. That's why she chose it as a nest, but there's a dwarven city inside the mountain you could take to go up inside the mountain to the top. There's a little secret hidden exit to the dwarven city atop the mountain,

the mountain to the top. There's a little secret hidden exit to the Dwarven City atop the mountain, but the Dwarven City is abandoned and haunted. So, you could take the haunted Dwarven City up to the nest and lay a trap for Glut there. You could take the wilderness up to the top of

Mount Farkness, or you could take the road up to the top of Mount Farkness. Those are sort of the three ways you could go. Meow meow? What is it saying? take the road up to the top of mount darkness those are those are sort of the three ways you could go um meow meow what is what is it saying what was what was the first one i was looking my asshole oh

um i don't remember uh the the order i said them in but there's um the kobolds the kobolds oh oh oh no no that was the third one the first one was the uh nest there, that was the third one. The first one was the nest. There's a nest. The first one, yeah.

So Mount Dukes is kind of like, you know, the next mountain over. And yeah, there's sheer sides, hard to mountaineer, repel your way up. But you could take the haunted Dwarven city up Mount Dukes. Or you could just right here, the mountain above us, Mount Farkness, you could take the wilderness or the road. Those the three ways yeah and why should we help you oh i mean the dragon has an entire oven city's worth of treasure up there and you could help yourself to it um you just got to kill the dragon um that's it. Can I do an insight check on this? Absolutely. Would everyone

like to do an insight check? Yeah. Do you know what its weakness is? Let's do the insight roll and then I would love to answer that question in character or the approximation of in character. 17.

Meow meow 9. That's not good? 17. Meow meow nine. That's not good. Eight. Also not good. Ken is rolling. 17. Were you a 17 also? Well, I just rolled it on an actual die

and then said it out loud and I don't remember what I said. Right? You put your die away? I'm holding it in my hand. I'm still getting used to this. Yeah, to get used to this, you gotta leave your die and be ready

to stare at it again. I think you did say 17 also. That sounds right. So, the three of you guys are kind of just sort of weirded out by how nervous this, like, 20-year-old Baron seems to be. But you two, Ken and Sarah, your characters kind of

get the vibe that he would do almost anything you asked and that nobody around here really likes him and he's really shy. Oh, yeah. All right. I pat him. I pat him on the shoulder and I say, friend, you're doing great. And then I, I give him some of this is, this is one of our special our most special brews and i give him it's called calm calm yeah it's called calm it has um chamomile or chamomile depending on what part of the i prefer

to say chamomile yeah um and some other you know proprietary herbs and spices in there but let me let me know what you think but But it's mead, right? Mm-hmm. Do you have a problem with the mead? No, no, I'm just, it's alcoholic. Yes. Does he not seem like he could maybe? Oh, no, I'm not.

I'm checking for future reference. Oh, yes. He seemed like he could use a bit of. I'll take it. He's 20. I think this is. I'm old enough to drink a strange potion. We're in a strange potion my family's

all dead who cares in the forest it's not a potion it's just a delicious beverage oh it won't give me like um magical like like um bravery uh because i'm calm we do sometimes call it liquid courage yes so why don't you oh okay he just he just slams it down it's not you know i'm giving him a small i don't i don't have a barrel on the back um i i i believe i uh overheard that you wanted to know maybe if i had any hot tips i don't know how to kill the dragon um yeah but has any weaknesses nope but uh i can tell you a little bit um about what like you know the the only really uh magically versed person in town thinks um and i really recommend you check out his shop he's got like sort of a apothecary uh curiosity shop that you might want to stop by um before you leave town

um and i can give you a little bit of spending money but he won't just like give me things he doesn't like me um his name is dr puckle and he is an elf and don't stare at his thing um but he has a curiosity shop called dr puckles curiosities and yeah yeah he could maybe sell you some magical things and he has some opinions about the dragon um and it is weird it's a black dragon but it's weird it's it it's shiny and it's fire is weird and heavy where is this uh like a proprietor yeah that's what i'm wondering i don't know what that is is it beautiful glass it's it would be beautiful if it didn't murder everybody well things can be more than one thing at a time what a goth band like the fire sounds

like it's not just regular fire too it sounds like it's uh lava well it fire sounds like it's not just regular fire, too. It sounds like it's lava. Well, it almost sounds like it's napalm, right? I don't know what either of those words are. Meow, meow, acid. Meow, meow. What is acid? Seriously, what is acid? You don't know what acid means?

I'm low to revamp. You're 20 years old. This is a village. You've survived a murder attempt by this point in this world. I'll show you what acid is. Tell me what acid is and I'll tell you if you spit. I'll spit a little bit on the floor. Will you?

Yeah. Okay. You spit. Patooey. It's not that. Can you clean that up? I told you you could do it. I really can't touch it.

It's actually acid though right because he's fit yeah what kind of dragon what is your dragonborn type again if you didn't black dragon black so okay so typically evil spits acid um he hasn't he hasn't like uh really commented on the fact that we're talking about a black dragon. Right. So now my little joke at the beginning, what if you guys are related? Now we truly might wonder. You seem filled with hate. What?

I'm talking about reuniting family. You're yelling at him about him not knowing what ass it is. Wait, wait. Maybe you need it. You're talking about reuniting your friend with the dragon, their family? The world is filled with possibilities. Wait, wait. Maybe you need a dragon. You're talking about reuniting your friend with the dragon, their family? The world is filled

with possibilities. Wait, he's related? You're saying Pishposh and Glut are cousins? Could be. I'm dragonborn. I actually don't know the provenance of dragonborn.

It is weird how the kobolds think they're related to Glut. Oh, they do? They do, yeah. What do they think, what is the nature of their relationship? Glut doesn't talk to them or acknowledge them,

but they've gathered because they've heard about her and they're hoping that she will eventually like them. Yeah. So they're guarding the road and assembling forces as like an army that they will propose as a gift to her. Because they're small and weak. They are very, you know, like very, yes. But, you know, kobolds sometimes.

How many are there? Sometimes kobolds will attract dragonborn of their of their similar type um a few hundred so we got a road we got wilderness or and haunted wilderness road or haunted to the the guy that was the specialist magic dr puckleuckle? The magic guy, yeah. You're very wise. Okay, well, he is the large rickety hut

that you'll see near the bottom of the stairs. The building kind of looks like it's vibrating a little bit, and I don't understand why, and he doesn't want to tell me, but I think it's a magic reason. You know what I mean? Like magic stuff. Yeah. I don't know what it means, but you don't know what magic is.

I mean, I know like it's when stuff is weird, like a witch. Well, he might be a witch. Maybe when we get back, we'll talk about like a free election or something for the town. All right. When this, when they start, I don't like the way this, I'm taking that thing.

I'm going to take this guy aside and I'm going to teach him a calming meditation, like the one on your Apple watch, but in world. Oh, okay. That's me dancing. Oh,

interesting. I'm going to, I'm going to just teach him how to, how to hold his breath and release it in a way that maybe he won't be quite so jittery. Even with a dragon. Like a meditation app. Yeah. I'm a walking, talking meditation app.

Can you teach him about three quarters of the world of which he seems ignorant? This character, isn't this a hero? I thought this guy was a hero. A hero of the forest. A hero of the forest. All right. Well. All right. Well. Yes. the hero of the forest all right well all right well uh yes is there is there now a time where you do want to maybe ask a few questions because we're going to move on down to dr puckles curiosities is there anything on the table in front of him right now he is standing

nervously in front of a desk okay desk has a lot of paperwork piled up. It looks like he has a lot of work to do that he hasn't figured out how to do yet. Okay. A lot of scrolls, a few journals. He did offer weapons. Okay. Of little interest to me, but perhaps some of you. So what we have the most of if you need weapons is long swords and halberds.

Those are typically what our soldiers wear. Useless. Oh. To me. Anybody? No, I'm good. Do you have anything very special or interesting? Magical weapons.

You know, those weapons you don't know anything about. Can I get a persuasion check from everybody no 15 13 minus 112 meow 16 22 oh shit okay um so he says uh oh um i guess i guess because um there has been some uncomfortability with me relating uh what what you are uh dragons wise um i i i i guess i do kind of owe you um the best that we've got so So there is a special helmet. It is sort of like the only thing I know that we have in Ferentown. So like, if you could just take care of it, I'd really appreciate it.

It's got cool little wings on it. Do you want it? It won't be damaged. I promise. You said that so stoically. I'll take that as a real promise. We will use it to save the people of Farintown. Okay.

You can do this. Okay. Meow, meow. What? Meow, meow question in the back. Meow. Meow, meow. You said that the dragon talks to you in your head before it attacks. He's reaching for a special box under the desk that he's talks to you in your head before it attacks he's reaching for

like a special box under the desk that he's gonna give to pish posh in a second but he says yes yes yes yes now does it does this meow happen on a regular basis meow meow or does it uh or do you know when it's about to happen or is there any uh like once a week at night at night and what does what does the uh dragon say to you in your head meow meow um i'm usually something like uh behold it is i glut leave this place uh you come here for my treasure it's not for you i will kill you all it accuses you of coming for its treasure yeah but we've been here for like centuries and she showed up like a few months ago. So I think she just doesn't kind of care.

And like, we try to like say in our heads, like, oh no, we've been here, we were here first. But she kind of doesn't answer when we try to talk back to her. She's just saying. She makes a bold declaration. And she sounds way more confident than I do when I try to relay it to you.

Like if you have to hear it, you'll know. Yeah, okay. I'm going to knock all the papers off his desk uh will you do an intimidation check plane sure i'd love to meow that will present the he does it in a fun nonsensical way he's like skittering around yeah nine minus one eight i'm just yeah i'm just knocking the papers off he just watches you do it and goes i guess uh we're doing that now all right well um uh behold pish posh uh i grant to you my family's sacred home um it's got cool little wings on it and he opens this small wooden chest

what what is happening sorry i forget sam needs to record tiktoks um but uh sounded like an opening sound actually i know i don't know idea what that was that's the thing being open oh is it oh there you. Thank you for tying that together. I didn't know what was happening. It opens with a sound, and it is indeed like this platinum-looking helmet, which, if you'd like to add it to your inventory on D&D Beyond, it's known as a Helm of Brilliance.

Ooh, cool. What do it do? I'll have to look it up. It is set with diamonds. Nice. You feel like it's worth a lot but you can use an action to cast one of the following spells uh using the diamonds you have to like crush uh one of the gems so uh if you use a diamond you can cast prismatic spray hello he's a ruby you can cast wall of fire. He's a fire opal. You can cast fireball. And if he's an opal, you can cast daylight. The gem is destroyed when the spell is cast and disappears from the helm. As long as it has at least one diamond, the helm emits a dim light and a 30 foot radius. Any undead that starts

its turn in the area takes 1d6 radiant damage. As long as the helm has at least one ruby, you have resistance to fire damage. As long as the helm has at least one fire opal, you can use an action and speak a command word to cause one weapon you are holding

to burst into flames. The flames emit a bright light and a 10-foot radius and dim light for an additional 10 feet. The flames are harmless to you and the weapon, but when you hit with an attack using the blazing weapon, the target takes an additional 1d6 fire damage. The flames last until you use a bonus action and speak the command word again.

And so, yep, there's more on D&D Beyond. He's already looking at it, and I wanted to use something that is on D&D Beyond so listeners can look it up and enjoy the stats. Because I hear you like stats, folks. And, yeah, you now have a Helm of Brilliance, which is the one treasure that he was available to give because you rolled over a 20. Who needs it?

Well, you're the sorcerer right or yeah i have spells i assume somebody else might want to use for some spell or defenses i use the power of the forest well i'll hang out to it for now i would i would allow. I would allow anyone of any size to be able to put this on and have it magically adhere to your head. I was concerned about my horn. Correct. I hear you. I see you, Pishpun. Also, yeah, if Chris wanted it, we would make it work.

I think it would look incredible on either one of you. Not you, Jennifer? It's a bit much for me. If you put it on my head, I would just walk backwards and try to get it off. I will say, whoever wears this helm

will look quite extravagant like perhaps a leader. Mordecai, perhaps it is time for the shadows to cast their light. I'm no leader. We'll see.

I follow my own path. Oh. Bit of a rebel. Very attractive. Sparks. Okay, so are you putting it in your inventory, Ken? Yes. Sounds great. You won the role.

Seems fair. Seems nice. You guys are going to head now down the stairs, and you have been given 10 gold, which is, according to the Baron, all he has. I pat him on the shoulder and give him a friendly wink as we leave. I'm just trying to build him up. He needs needs to be strong thank you for the monster energy drink you gave me you're very welcome would you like a little more before i leave yes okay i give him a little more i'm also gonna let him sample a few other of our flavors whoa and give him a direction

is he drunk at this point is there alcohol need this is like he definitely is like feeling it he's feeling the vibes as he quaffs another three um so do you let's check in with listeners how much gold did you during character creation end up giving yourselves some of you may not have paid a lot of attention to that but let's check in because listeners want to know and it will come in handy with what's about to happen which is shopping i think i have 10 10 gold from my backs my like there are five of you so if you wanted you could split the pot that you were just given two gold you can add to each of your inventories but uh please continue i have 150 oh my god so much honking outside i don't know i didn't do anything so i just oh mine gave me 10 after for my background whatever yeah because you're a monk where's the uh where's

the the table for that i didn't roll up any gold oh gosh i don't know it's just starting equipment just pick a number yeah i will allow between 1 and 10 depending on what kind of gear if you have magical items already i think uh i i said you can take a magical item. I have four gold. Okay. Brian, how much you got? I think I had 10 before. Great. And I'm already set up with, I have myself a mace.

I have myself some studded leather armor. I figure level five, we would be equipped with just the basics of stuff. I think what I told you guys. Big milk skin. If I'm right, I think I said in in group text there was like i probably traveled as well there was a compromise you could make of like a magical thing or like it was like was it like two rares or like uh yeah oh gosh i fully forgot about that it's fine i don't remember i'd have to look at the group text. I have it written down somewhere. So if you want to tell listeners, they'll be curious what you decided for your gear. Do we have 20 gold pieces now?

An additional 10 that you're going to want to probably split two gold each. Oh, okay. My friends, you can keep the gold. I take what is given to me from the forest. I'm making the math harder over there. I have 150 gold. I feel bad. There we go.

Well, let's see what's even at the shop. Because I feel like. Is it all in your cheeks? You know? Mm-hmm. I feel like we already all. We have what we need. You know?

We don't need to ask for more. But why don't we go see what's available? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe Dr. Pickle will have something neat. So Dr. Puckles is vibrating near the bottom of the stairwell. Can we do a transition like Happy Days? Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And as you head inside, you see there is an elf behind a counter. There are

a lot of potions on the walls here. So you get the impression this is mostly an apothecary shop. He is hunched over. It looks like he's mixing something behind the counter. His back is to you. I'd like to throw up a detect

thoughts. There's a saving throw there, right there right no I think it's just a I think something happens role wise I've never had it before I heard you guys actually have to physically arm wrestle it's a combat of strength playing Baldur's Gate 3

has ruined my ability to remember how things work because They tweak everything slightly. Absolutely. Wisdom of 12. Okay. Well, here we go. Just walked in and immediately tried to read his thoughts. It was cocked.

Who wouldn't know? Oh, a 3. He has a plus 3 to his wisdom. So that is going to be a 6. I bet you have a higher spell save DC then. What is he thinking? He's thinking, oh, so much to make. So much to make.

He's in the middle of something. And does this, since I've thrown up this spell and I think it's once prolonged rest. How long does it run? Does it just keep activating? Again, a great question. It's about the length of the spell, so I'm going to pull it up. It should say on your thingy.

Yeah, duration. Concentration up to a minute. There you go. Okay. So I'll have him introduce himself, and then you'll have one more. Baldur's Gate 3 has confused me. Baldur's Gate 3 is all kinds of weird, especially with guidance, where you can basically machine gun cast guidance during everything you do. yeah i'll say he's going to introduce himself and then you'll have a moment

after introductions where you can do it and then it'll pop but um he uh turns around and says why hello welcome to my shop what would all of you like and you notice that he has a third eyeball in his left cheekbone it's not weird? Oh. Seen it all. Convenient. How can I help you? Are you the one they call Dr. Puckle? It is I, Dr. Puckle. You're welcome.

I have many things you may want. It looks like you're here to slay the dragon because most folks here just show up wearing rags. It's sort of embarrassing. But I can provide you, provided you can give me a little coin do you have anything in the way of magical hootenannies

absolute hootenannies is my specialty do I use that word no but now I will hootenannies isn't that like a celebration more items really just sort of catch what one can. Yes, why potions?

Perhaps you'd like one of those. I think you'll probably want some potions that will invigorate your health should you become hurt. Ooh. Could you tell us a little more about the dragon? We heard from your Baron, lovely young man. Really, I think a lot of potential there.

And we'd love to hear more from a more seasoned kind of member of your community about this dragon. Sarah, will you roll a persuasion check? Sure. And stare at your dice for a second. I don't want to

when I saw what it was. What is it? It was a five and I have a plus zero now with this character. He kind of grimaces and says look, I know a lot of things but this dragon is a bit of a mystery

to me. I will tell you this from what I've been able to gather it is not a traditional black dragon for sure if any of you are familiar with a traditional black dragon they um they usually barf acid on people excuse me you don't use the word hootenanny but you do use the word barf all right i whatever I want. I'm the only person with any class in this town. Let's have a barf hoot in any. Well, Dan, I would love to. And yes, of course,

we have a black dragonborn right in front of us. I'm not in denial of this. Yes, yes, yes. I would like to look within myself right now and using the third eye that I have to really. Anologist third eye. Yeah, because my background is sage as a researcher. that I have to really... Because my background as Sage,

as a researcher, so when you attempt to learn or recall a piece of lore, if I don't know the information, I often know where and from whom I could obtain it. Ooh, okay. And so I just give this to you, it's not a roll. Well, I think you either decide A, I would know about a weird black dragon,

or you'd be like, oh, the library of so-and-so would probably have that information. I think it would i think you either decide a i would know about a weird black dragon or you'd be like oh the library of so and so would probably have that information i think it would be fun for me if i made you roll again okay but uh so this will be an arcana check and i will tell you something different because i i can i have three things i can tell you of increasing value uh if you get a 10 a 15 or a 20 okay and yeah it does say I'll give you something if you roll a shitty number because you have that. Yeah, because it says your DM might rule that the knowledge you seek is secreted away in an almost inaccessible place. I just would know where to look for it, essentially. So 13.

Okay. There's not a whole lot you can pull together other than this does sound familiar. This is some sort of gemstone dragon that you believe is an obsidian dragon per Ken's comment earlier. I know my dragons. Obsidian dragons. A popular Dungeons and Dragons oddity

that is not in fifth edition, but is fun to look at. I love pulling shit from other editions they haven't adopted yet it makes me happy for my old books nice work ken ken guessed it shiny black you know yes i mean it is but you know not you've got the exact exactly you know you got the exact word right that was that was a charming win uh but you now know that too juniper and yeah there there's smile beatifically and i'm like i now know that internally i don't brag about it i never would

would i know anything is it being draconic i'll let yeah i'll let you do now that it's confirmed i will let you do a roll to uh cam why don't you do a history check? Oh, nice. Oh, I suck at history. And I will pull up all the lore I have on these guys to make sure that we get as juicy as possible. What else is in his shop? What else do we see?

It looks like there's really only potions, but there's a variety. He says he's got health potions. Does he have variety of he says he's got health does he have like food items does he have like herbs or he might really quick I want to I can't remember what Ken said his number was I'm going to use a 5 and roll again

I will answer that Brian okay that's better 17 oh that's way better okay I'm going to give you something nice uh so you know that they have psionic power and that yeah that was lava that it was dropping on everybody yeah you you you put a lot together oh yeah um but psionics so like you would you would be aware that there is like psychic damage everybody could

potentially take in addition to the lava. That's unfortunate. We have to put this thing down! Brian, it looks like there are some herbs and such, but probably more as spell components, you'd have to ask for something

in particular for him to really know what you want. Like catnip? Purple haze? Oh, what you want like catnip purple haze oh there's got to be cat or as they call it in dungeons and dragons it's just looking for any local herbs and plants because uh i want to cook for you guys on the first on our first evening he could definitely provide some like cooking you're a chef yes some like cooking you're a chef yes oh i don't know why it's inside yes i'm so glad what a wonderful i'm trying i it's one of the things i do on the side well if you're interested uh sir i do have a spice set i could give you my spice set oh yeah i'd like to check that just throw me a gold piece that'd. Okay. Go ahead and mark that on your character sheet, I say in character. So the rest of you, yes, I have-

For gold piece, you say, for a spice set. For a spice set. It's not as expensive as some of these potions, but yes, a spice set. How much for healing potions, friend? Well, friend, I can give you a regular old run-of-the-mill healing potion if you would like to give me five silver. Or for a gold piece, I can give you a superior healing potion. And how many of

those do you have? Ten. Oh. I have ten of each. I think we would take the lot. Oh, sounds great. If you could just lay that gold out on the table, I will line it all up for you. I'll turn face away and count.

Hold on a minute. I will line it all up for you. I'll turn face away and count. I'm going to watch. I'm going to watch that. Chris is doing a squirrel pose where he looks like he is turning an acorn over in his midst. What is that? Is that 11 gold total then? Let's see. It's 20 total.

20 potions till 10 of each. So it's 10 gold for the superiors. And then 5 gold. So it's 15. 15. Because 10 silver is gold, right? I have no idea. I'll give you 2 gold. I'm going to do the math real quick.

I have to look up the fucking silver gold thing. D&D. So I have to get this right, though, because this is not the kind of information my brain will ever get right but we'll just make it up very intelligent listeners who uh as soon as they hear this yeah it's not as though it'll be listeners who'll be upset if we get it wrong chris what's your name again hmm uh dally tail sharp twig okay dally i give dally uh two gold one gold is 20 silver. What a weird...

How much? Didn't you convert everything over to nut coin? I'm taking two of those superior. I'm giving you two gold for the two of those. I think it's a total of 12 gold and 10 silver. All my nuts are gone.

If I got the math wrong, folks, I deleted my Twitter account for this exact reason. Thanks. So, yeah. Oh, yeah. Tweet at Sam if it's a problem. You can still find him on Instagram. You line all that up and he says, and I do have some special potions. Since you're some big spenders, I'd be happy to sell you as well.

Oh, yes. I have one of each. These are a little more rare. I have a potion that will make one of you extremely large. It is a potion of giant size. I have a potion of heroism. If one of you would like to be a real. Oh, that's just heroin.

You don't need that one. heroism if one of you would like to be a real oh that's just heroin straight i have a a potion of uh of a brain protection it'll protect your brain and i have a something like a defense from psionics perhaps that is exactly what it is in fact it is called indy and beyond potion of psionic fortitude. And in addition, I have a little homemade potion and it is called my elixir of expanded horizons. If you should die, the odds are that you will come back from the brink. Wow. Wait, when do you have to take it though?

It lasts 24 hours. So within 24 hours of death. If you think you might die, take it within 24 hours before you think you're going to die i kind of hold the bottles up to the light and with like an admiring eye using my my brewmaster skill set are you a brewmaster oh then i'll tell you okay so his elixir of expanded horizons uh is another name for uh mergaxer's elix's elixir of life which gives you

24 hours of advantage on death saving throws potion of giant size is exactly what it sounds like hang on I accidentally did something dumb in my thing potion of giant size

you'll basically double your size my thing um potion of giant size uh you'll you'll basically be like double your size uh potion of heroism for one hour after drinking it you'll gain 10 temporary hit points that last for an hour among other things you can look

that up on dnd beyond and then finally potion of psionic fortitude do do do do pulling that up on that&D Beyond. And then finally, Potion of Psionic Fortitude. Pulling that up because it's a little more weird. When you drink this potion, you have advantage for one hour on saving throws that you make to avoid or end charmed or stunned conditions. And given that I have a dragon that is not in 5th edition as your primary villain, there are some additional benefits that I may provide related to the dragon's abilities.

Cool. I would love the potion of heroism if no one else... There's only one? Yeah, each of these are 5 gold. Okay. Is it alright with everyone? Yeah, go for it. I'm going to take that one, so I give him 5 gold. And the brain protection? Psionic Fortitude. Psionic Fortitude, five gold for that. And the brain protection? Psionic Fortitude.

Psionic Fortitude, five gold, please. Got it. And then we still have a Potion of Giant Size and the Elixir of Expanded Horizons that will give you advantage on death saving throws. I'll pay for those. But I'm kind of thinking they're for everybody. You can, not unlike a squirrel, hoard them for everyone.

Cool. So if you want to plop down ten gold, yeah, that's Potion of Giant Size. I'm kind of thinking you can you can not unlike a squirrel hoard them for everyone. And cool. So if you want to plop down 10 gold. Yeah, that's potion of giant size on D&D Beyond. And if you want to look it up on D&D Beyond, it's Mergaxer's Elixir of Life. Mergaxer M-U-R-G-A-X-O-R-S. Elixir of Life. Thank you. Yes.

And doing my best to have stuff that at least homebrew wise I'm putting on D and D beyond or someone else is putting on D and D beyond. So thank you to everybody who puts stuff on there because it's very fun for me. Now, what's in my seasoning? What's in my, Oh, it's standard,

you know, cumin. You've got some sage. You've got oregano, of course. You've got chili pepper and red pepper. Rosemary. Yeah. You've got some garam masala.

Do you get some cinnamon in there? Pink Himalayan salt, except it's not called Himalayan. It's water deep salt. And yeah, yeah, yeah. Cardamom? Of course there's cardamom. Ken, you and the cardamom. Tamaric. there's some turmeric

if you want to make a curry old bay meow indeed jane's crazy mixed up and uh season as you clean out his entire stock of potions which i think is a good idea uh we'll have to find out what you're going to cook up exactly on our next episode of What Blame? Does he have long hair? Meow. He does. Okay, I'm going to eat one of his hair ties. Meow, meow, meow. He sees you lick it up off the ground and goes,

oh, I was looking for that. Oh, it's gone. Not for long. It's coming back up. You might want to watch. You might want to like sift through, you know, when you find it, make sure you pass it. It's going to follow me around for a to like sift through, you know, when you find to make sure you pass. It's going to follow me around for a while.

Hey, Sam. Hi. What do you think happened on the first episode of our mountain campaign? Well, first off, it's good to be back. Good to see everyone. We met our characters. Somebody is a squirrel. Somebody is a cat.

Somebody is a lizard man. This season is solely for me. And a devil. Yep. We climbed a mountain searching for a dragon named glut we stopped and got some weapons the lizard man got a special winged helmet and some gold and some silver and some elixirs and potions sounds good close it always is uh anything anybody wants to plug you got anything coming up yeah i mean i'm not sure when this is going gonna drop right we haven't even talked about that yet but i will i'm gonna be at san francisco sketch fest i don't

know what my monday oh great yeah i don't know what shows i'm doing at sketch fest but i'll be i'll be around it's the holiday season so uh i don't have a ton of stuff going on yeah i took the rest of the year off brian passane.com i'm doing um uh jt habersett's altercation show coming up oh yeah i went to that last year yeah i think it's like the 15th or 16th but just follow me on social media and i'll announce where that's going to be in la and then i've got uh in the new year i'm i'm not traveling till the new year and then the first uh i think the 11th and 12th i'm in uh salt lake city utah it's been a long time i haven't been there since pre-covid um some plain wise guys and i think johnny taylor's coming by johnny taylor did the show last year right yeah i believe so

funny dude and then uh very soon i'm gonna want people to uh pre-order Rifters and Grommets through Image and through wherever you order your comic books. But they're going to be on sale very soon. I'm so excited. And that's Cyberpunk Wallace and Grommet, right? What? Oh, Grommets? No, Grommets is a skateboarding comic.

And then the Rifters is basically like SVU with time cops. Nice. Very cool. It's really silly and fun time travel murder mysteries and shit. Well, that sounds awesome. If no one else has anything they want to plug,

hey Blaine, what's going to happen on the next episode of NerdPoker? We attribute the success to save mankind from the dead. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well, the next episode of NerdPoker, the NerdPoker team disappears during RuPaul's Iditarod and low visibility and storms keep helicopters from searching for their frozen half-eaten bodies. All this and Herb Schwartz puts them on the glass.

On the next episode of Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.