Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 10

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

Our crew continues to engage in what is hopefully just a friendly game of drop-the-stone-scythe. So, time to wrap up this fight with the- undead demi-god? Or whatever? Juniper will probably be fine.  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here sarah chris blaine ken engineer sam and of course our kick-ass dm dan telfer welcome to nerd poker hey everybody i'm rhodes uh this is my dad's show no hey it's brian saying uh you're listening to nerd poker uh no difference in the voice there um my friends are all here we're gonna do uh episode 10 of the mountain campaign we're uh into some shit so let's uh get back into it um everybody's here ken hello friend hello brian i'm afraid of the shit that we're in i know it's scary and then dan acts like Get back into it. Everybody's here. Ken. Hello, friend. Hello, Brian. I'm afraid of the shit that we're in. I know. It's scary.

And then Dan acts like, oh, no, just. Just like him. Wow. That's that jibbering. There's. Did you say you know what I'm talking about? Did you just. No, I will admit it.

All right. I haven't introduced you yet you're not here give me a hi sit there remember when dan was like chris is here hey man uh when was the last time you saw dan you can attest to how Dan- Oh my God, the way he's always like,. Blaine. Hi, it's me, Dan. Coming in hot, as usual. Hey, Brian, I had a dream last night that you and I were doing karaoke.

Is this true? This is true. And you did this crazy heavy metal thing. You were. You didn't have to lip crazy heavy metal thing. You were. To what song? You were just. I don't know what song was. You were just.

That's what I do at karaoke. Yeah. And so. And I had to. I had. It was like some sort of competition. So I sang the Chef's Blend cat food commercial. And then I woke up and I had the Chef's Blend cat food commercial in my head all day long.

Let's hear it. Let's hear it right now. Chef's Blend has more flavors in one bag. Badoob. Chef's Blend has more flavors, more flavors. Badoob. Tasty tuna. Lively liver. Hearty beef and cheese too.

Ah-oo. Badoob-adoob. Hardie beef and cheese too And now Brian does the Chef's blend Somehow we owe Chef's blend $15,000 I got it, let me write my special check Anyway, I'm Dan Dan's here hey buddy good to see you

Sam everyone Sam's here hello sweet Dans hey buddy oh my goodness we should thank some people. Yeah.

I would like to thank, first of all, people who follow me on OnlyDance. Also, I would like to thank people who support us on Patreon with usernames like RobIam. Thanks, RobIam. Thank you, Catch22. You spelled the A and the T with a 4 and a 7, so now I know your email

password. Thank you, HandsomeMr password. Thank you, Handsome Mr. B. Thank you, Fartcube 420. Sweet. Thank you, guys. For Sarah's sake, from now on, let's agree to call it Tucker Carlson's Toilet Rat.

Thank you. Why Tucker? Thank you to Matt Tesla. We have so much in common. You do wear a bow tie every time you come over. Pantomime. Thank you, Matt Tesla Coyle. Thank you, Oyster Moist. Eau de Parfum.

Only available in the Dildo District. Of course. Thank you, Shakira, When the Walls Fell. Thank you, Lord Brownington. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you, War Anus. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you, War Anus. Thank you. I always love that one.

Every time I see War Anus, just a little pep in my step. Thank you, Anthony Hort. Thank you, Mark P. Strandberg. Thanks, Austin Nadeau. Thank you, Kevin Hitt. And finally, thank you, That Guy Brenner. Blaine, who are they brought to us by?

Listeners brought to us by toilet scissors. Nothing beats toilet paper like toilet scissors. Toilet scissors not for use with toilet rock. And shoelaces. Tie one on, then tie the other one on with shoelaces. Dan?

Thank you, Blaine. It is now time to talk about what happened last time. A nerd poker. Oh, my goodness. I know you like it. Oh. Was that Dan? No, it wasn't.

Our heroes made a bargain. If they could just take the giant stone scythes from the echo of an archfey, she would let them pass. Turns out she doesn't like it when people punch her hand a bunch and then hang on to her scythe. So she gave a little finger at death to that person and everybody's been trying to knock it out of her head. They've landed some crits right in the hand. It's been, you know, progress. Also, she is currently slowly petrifying unless she makes her next saving throw. Constitution.

We're going back to the top of the turn order. Who had the high roll before I opened my laptop? Sarah? Sam? I'm unconscious. Oh, you mean the initiative roll? Yeah. That was definitely me.

Okay. Then yes, please roll your death savings roll. I guess. You got this. Oh. Get it. Don't forget about that ring you're wearing. Oh, I just marked a failure for no reason.

Okay, hang on. I rolled a one. That's good. That's two fails. I know. Oh my God. For the listeners, I know you know. What's funny is that I accidentally marked two failures on my phone and then went, oh

no, because I thought it would roll when I touched it. And then I rolled real die. And it's like I foresaw. Sucks. Oh my gosh. Remediation. Is this an A24 movie? It's upsetting.

I'll tell you what. Talk to me. It's upsetting. Brian, you're up. Okay. I'm going to fire a crossbow to get... Okay, yeah. Roll your crossbow. Please.

I beg of you. Fire true, Mordecai! And to reiterate, you are attempting to hit her right in the hand, yes? Yeah. Okay. Ooh, what's your points to hit? 18. Ooh, that's a hit! It's not in the hand,

but it's a hit. Okay. I ask for at least a dirty 20 for a called shot. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. three all right so three piercing damage and then uh you're gonna go again i bet yeah and that one's a miss so So a thunk right into her wrist. She kind of flexes to shake it off. 13, right? Yeah. And then the second one's a miss.

It's going to sail into the pink force field shimmering behind her that y'all are trying to bargain your way through without giving up the soul of Glibbles. Blaine, you're up. Can I do... Give a bonus action you would like to? Well, if I scooted away,

would that give her opportunity to... No, because you're not in melee. If Blep tries to scoot away, he would get an opportunity attack. I'm going to get out of the center. Sorry. Okay.

It's noisy as shit. Yeah, you can do it. You're going to literally hide behind Dallytail. I stand proudly in front of him. Behind me, friend. There is rubble. You can go behind the rubble. Brian, do you have a good view of my dead and dying body in front of you?

Oh, no. Where are you? Oh, I'm right there. Oh, yeah. I just want to make sure you can see me. I put unconscious on you with a little ring so people remember that you're dying. I'm trying to heal you. Fuck. Don't worry. She's scary.

Blaine, you're up. Meow, meow. I'm going to... Person dying next to you. My duplicate is going to kind of like stand on her shoulder and sort of rub my tail. Like I want to be fed, but I'm just going to kind of wag my tail under her nose, maybe try to get a sneeze out of her. And I'm actually going to spare the dying on Sarah.

Okay. Yay. Remind listeners what spare the dying on Sarah. Okay. Yay. Remind listeners what spare the dying does functionally. It usually headlines the one of the tents at the work door. That was a great great poll. It spares her

from it stops her from dying. I think it keeps her from having to roll death saving throws. Yes. Sorry, Sam. But I just assume

we like buying. It is. It will spare the dying has zero hit points. Cretia becomes stable. That's it. OK, so you're not dying anymore.

Thanks, Blaine. Thank you so much. You're very, very welcome. Let's see. I'm going to make some biscuits. Cool. A box of biscuits. Ken, you're up.

I don't have a heal. biscuits can you're up nice can you hit that he's a baby face yeah it's cut to turns coming i'm gonna cast fly that shirt is horrifying yeah listeners ken is wearing a shirt that is definitely satanic yeah but also as a christian kid it's like hurting my soul it's really bad i've worn this before i'm not even gonna look at it folks Ken wore a shirt that was too metal for Brian today it's really wow yeah

new podcast too metal for Brian yeah so I'm gonna fly to the hand attacking it okay let's see. So when you say fly in, you're attacking.

Are you doing range? Are you flying inwards? What are you doing? Yeah, I'm flying up here. Oh, shit. Right in the hand. Okay. Yeah.

And I'm going to smack it with my quarter staff. Okay. Yeah. It's actually a bucket of quarter quarter staff. Smack it. Slap it. Flip it down. Twist it.

Pull it. Bop it. All right. Oh, that's a nine. That's a miss. Okay. No. I'm just going to hang out here.

You're going to keep flying right there? Yeah. All right. Well, I guess I could now. Well, restrained, then there's no attack of opportunity, yes? I don't know. I don't know. That was not on the list of... It's not on the list.

I don't think it... I think she can attack with opportunity. Okay. Then I'll just hang around. Funsies. Okay. So it is now her turn, which she could be petrified at the end of this turn you guys oh man what is it uh 18 decks with disadvantage yeah um so we all have

advantage and she has disadvantage on all these rolls and all this is still happening let me roll my thing again when she's restrained we all have advantage on our attack rolls oh wait you guys haven't been rolling advantage we gotta rewind y'all you've not been rolling

your advantages this is on you to remember I try to help I wasn't conscious at that point so I'm a ding dong so i can't always remember so you can do your attack again both of you guys and me and you all everybody gets to re-roll this entire turn again so guys it never happened we get to do it again yeah if we roll better i feel like tom cruise in that movie i didn't see uh first why don't you roll to see if your first one hit or is a crit and then the one the first one already hit.

So that's fine, but I'm looking for a possible crit if you already hit. Crit if you hit. What's that? 17. That's a miss. So no additional retconning for Brian's turn, Blaine. I'm still trying to make her sneeze and then I... You didn't do an attack?

Ken. I'll just do mine again. That's a 23. That's a hit. Quarter staff damage. And that's... You called the shot, so... Yeah, right in the handy. Oh. Uh...

Eight. eight all right i am going to need a dexterity saving throw from blet and you're still unconscious correct all right so you're automatically going to fail as the scythe falls on top of you and possibly Blunt. 17. Now he knocks it out of the hand. But still, good job. It's also my fault for reminding you about this. So you dodge the scythe as it lands.

Sarah, I mean, it's just you're not going to... I mean, this is a bit Naked Gun-esque. I'm walking into a rake and then I'm... I know. So hilarious. Yeah, it is really funny and I hope you guys are enjoying it because it's the last gift I'm ever going to give you. 13 points of bludgeoning damage.

You're starting saving throws again with two failures wait do i start with two or do i start i start with none right every time i drive by the boat oh no that's true that's right that's right you were taken out of them so it isn't two i make a poor dying she's back into making death yes yes got it. And no fails yet. Right. Oh, I forgot that if you wave your phone when you have Mighty Dice out, it'll roll. That was very silly. I was like, why is my phone shaking? Because fake dice are in it.

Okay. So, great. So glad that I reminded you that you have a band. There's a sign on top of you. First thing she's going to do is pick it up. You almost got her. You know... Didn't I technically have possession of the scythe as it landed on my body, though?

So don't I win? Well... I feel like by the rules of the Feywild... You've been trying to catch it. She dropped and she dropped. You know, you're unconscious. Yeah, but my body

is touching the scythe and hers isn't. Therefore, I win. You are reminding me that I should let Blep try to roll as a reaction to catch it because that's the whole point

of him being there. So, we'll make this a athletics check. Athletics check? I have a plus zero. Pause ready.

Six. No, so you're going to dodge and not quite catch. It hit the table. I'll allow a re-roll. Oh, it hit the table. Isn't Ken holding onto it? No, he's flying. He bopped her in the tail. Isn't Ken holding onto it? No, he's flying. He bopped her in the hand.

Oh, so you're still within melee, but he's not physically hanging on to it. Sorry. Yeah, I'll let you roll an athletic strike too. Just to make Sarah feel left out. Sure. I'm holding it right now with my dying body so i feel like it counts listeners i'm sorry we're going back and forth in time so much but we're trying

to keep this interesting why don't you switch between this and this blame not keeping you alive that's a five no uh then that side fell on me as soon as he, but I'm going to be back soon. Both of you try. And. It's her turn. She picks it back up. The Bernies. We get at Bernie's. My hands flop over onto the side as it falls. And then it's like,

yeah, I'm holding it. I love it. I'm just glad it's not like that scene in mannequin. Yeah. I think that's what happened, Dan. All right. If you check the record.

So she is going to now take the scythe. Entertaining it for a second. And she is going to swing it at the three of you. It's going to be... it's gonna be is that three attacks is that like three attacks no it's a cone attack but your attack rolls do have disadvantage correct so I do gotta roll again

I do gotta roll again you're right thank you is juniper one of the three yeah even though you're unconscious? Yeah, I'm like down on the ground. I thought maybe it was Adam. 17 to hit. Does that hit Blett? Armor class 15? Alright, so that's a hit on Blett. What about Pish Posh?

Let me check. 16. So this is gonna hit all three of you. Sarah, you're going to, now you'll finally take the two. How can she swing it? I'm on the ground. She's going to hit the ground with it, right? Imagine the physics of this swing.

She's swinging at him in the air and then also bluff on the ground and then also down to the stone floor where I am. It's true. It seems unlikely. I don't think it's what Gary Gygax would have wanted. Yeah. Some sort of wild swinging game. I'm going to text Gary and see what he would do. Listen, I've gone

back and fixed so many things. Okay, alright. I just wanted to make sure that that's what I'm envisioning is correct. She's swinging down and then basically it's going to finally embed itself in my body. No, it's going to swing up and hit Pish Posh last if we want to get technical about it. So I might fly through the air and my body might

ragdoll to the other side of the room. Oh, that's true. That'll be fun. That wouldn't be fun because then when you land you'd probably take another hit and get it. You only two... No, but I'm going to take damage. Yeah, but this is going to be

the two first uh saving throws you've had to do or it's an automatic two if you get hit

two fails if you get hit you don't have any successes or fails yet because Blaine reset it I thought it was I had to take damage and I might go negative again

okay if well if she exceeds your maximum hit points with this attack yes then, then you're gone forever. That's what I meant. I think that's going to happen. God damn it.

All right. So this is going to be. Did we already use our potion of bringing someone back to life? I think we did. 30 points of slashing damage. Cool. I have 30 hit points. So'm dead dead good job i can't i can i can uh get over there and do it i'm dead dead i'm like she was already dying i'm already and then the scythe hit her for 30 exactly while she was dying to happen

it actually hit me twice it landed on me again are you sure i can't use my my feline speed to bolt over there do you have a reaction there's no yeah i mean look under your reaction you and pish posh are right there i have so many reactions but i have to be some people people learn them by heart for these moments. I don't think a cleric has a, well, I got you, heal reaction, but what do I know? Well, I mean, I'm just saying I would see her get hit

and I would. But the second that I'm hit, I'm dead. I'll tell you what. But you can't be healed with like a potion. I can't be healed. There's only one, the resurrection potion. I thought we had one of them. Maybe we used it. Your Gax was Elixir of Life, which means

if you drink it 24 hours before. Oh, that's right. There's nothing that anyone can do. Because this is a homebrew attack and it's a big-ass scythe, I will give you this, Blaine. You could be protecting her as the sc the size comes in.

And so you will just take additional damage and it will not hit her. Oh, wow. Is it, was that something you want to do? I'll do it. Is that something you want to do? Well, I don't have a choice,

but I don't want you to back it up. Cause you feel bad about my character. He's going to have to make a dexterity saving throw to do it. Okay. So I'll call it before you roll it. You need to make a dexterity saving throw, DC 17. No. All right.

So you attempt to throw yourself right into the point of the scythe. But unfortunately, she's swinging too fast. And it rips right through the unconscious body the scythe but unfortunately she's swinging too fast and it rips right through the unconscious body of Juniper Sharp. Juniper you have a moment of consciousness as you slip away into the ether. Is there any last words you would like to say? Don't cry for me. Fuck you.

I'm already dead. No, that's just I'll be fine. I'll be fine. don't cry for me fuck you I'm already dead yeah yeah no uh no that's just I'll be fine I'll be fine Daletel sobbing no she won't she's not gonna

I mean I did just get my mini but oh man and you didn't even bring it to me I know I forgot it please never bring it

also for showing please do not show it to us. Or text Gina and see if he can bury it in the backyard before you come home. You take your seventh or the end of your turn, yes? Uh-huh. Okay. So she just, she used her action.

Yeah. And now she is going. I wish Patton was here to do a drunken dwarf song for you. About your character. You're just hearing this wheeling of tires. I'm gone. I'm done. See you guys later. Goodbye.

There's more Krispy Kreme in the kitchen. Okay, well found. I'll hang out for a bit. And that'll be her turn, so it's time for a Constitution saving throw. God damn it, Sarah. Not my fault. It's a little bit my fault, but not a lot. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. She fails. You guys see her go, good. A little late. Isn't it ironic? Let's see. When the fave petrifies right after you're dead. Oh, yeah.

Let's see what happens. Oh, man. You're going to exit that at some point. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what the rule for petrification is or if you guys can just like wail on her. How petrification works? I think.

A petrified creature is transformed along with any non-magical object it's wearing or carrying, uh, into solid inanimate substance, usually stone. It's weight increases by a factor of 10. Oh,

it's going to fall to, she's going to fall. The creature is incapacitated, can't move or speak and is unaware of its surroundings. All right. So very interesting so i think she's absolutely screwed yeah okay so she falls to the ground and you guys see the scythe fall out of her hand.

Great. For sure it falls on my dead body and does a bunch. It's just like, I pop like a balloon. She like, tips backwards to crash to the ground. The scythe,

like the, the top of it just like lands right in like Juniper's back. Oh! And like spins. And then like the top of it just like lands right in like Juniper's back and like spins and then like the handle of the scythe like hits Dwelledwen and her body falls on top of Juniper

it's just like a splash at least it's funny everything is quiet and the force field is gone well at least that happened cool so uh we don't have any we don't have any resurrection

potions or anything I mean what time are we at Sam? we are at 25 minutes you guys are barely getting started so uh let's pick her up

get her away from her body is not like so smushed that you can't do that but when he picks me up he does trip and I go fly do a dexterity saving throw to see if you can carry the body without throwing her across it. God damn it. Why is there a rig in here?

You don't actually have to do that one. No. I was giving you a hard time. I'm sorry. Oh, I thought it was. What did you roll? Add a little levity to the situation. Not good.

Okay. Well, I think I saw three. Does that sound right? Yeah, but I have a. A bonus to Dex. Yeah, a lot. Plus three, right? Plus five.

Oh, okay. So you rolled an eight and that means you trip and. Guys, I'll see Juniper fall. No. Got to pick her back up again, which I assume you do. But yeah. Comedy. Well well should we rest but I will say

good news how long is what everybody except for Juniper Sharp you've now leveled up oh great the least fanfare that's ever gotten well the least fanfare that's ever gotten. Well, hmm.

I don't know. Next week we got to meet Puniper or something. There's no way you can pray to your cat god, your tongue, for another life. I don't know. Yeah, because I mean, I could give her one of my lives. What if I was like,

mechanically, it makes sense. Do you have, what kind of divinity stuff do you have? I know you have duplicity. I can channel divine energy to fuel magical effects.

He's also evil right now still though. Well, he can make his own choices. Perhaps a book effects. He's also evil right now still though. Well, he can make his own choices. Perhaps the book could give him untold powers. I have a blessing

of the trickster. I can touch a willing creature. I'll give you this. If you roll a religion check, you will be able to What's your god's name? Your tongue? The cat god? Your tongue, your tongue, God, your tongue. If you, if you create a religion check, you will be able to commune directly with your tongue.

I'll stay strong, but also I have a whole plan right now that you don't know about it's okay he didn't do it you can't get mad at me if something else happens why is people getting mad at me for not getting mad now I'm taking this better than anything

I agree so you're all level 7 fanfare. What a great day. Well, do we want to say a little something about our friend? You know, one thing I did notice during today's fight,

I feel like a natural leader has kind of emerged. I'm sure Juniper would be here to say something about, uh, a heroic action a a demon becoming a bit of an angel, probably is what she'd say. Wow. And I'm not allowed to say anything, right?

Yeah, I can no longer have I feel like I can almost hear her. You can talk but not your character. No, I mean, I just mean that I can't say anything. Your character is a bit of a pulverized mess. I have some game commentary that I guess I'm not allowed to make, so I won't. You can't speak with the dead or anything or anybody? No? Okay.

You don't have to speak with the dead, do you? Not one thing we can do. Don't clerics sometimes have that? Stop torturing my poor body. Stop torturing my mouth. Let's say something about her her and then you just sort of stand over her in silence uh you know probably i guess it's the only time a character like me would ever get along with a character like her i imagine the next time something like her comes

along i'll be as mean as hell to it. Just mean as hell. That's how much I like Juniper. I can't wait to take this next one out at the knees. No warning, Sam. By the way, no warning whatsoever. Just take them out. Yeah. Oh, boy. Well.

All I'm doing is looking at if I leveled up and I could take Death Ward, but I think it's too late to take Death Ward. What does Death Ward do? I touch a creature granted a measure of protection from death. Yeah, it's too late. Yeah, too late. So I guess I'll just take a gift certificate. Oh, great.

Oh, there's a nice ceramic. Oh, that's right. So now because you're a level higher, do you get access to a higher level of spells, Blaine? I get a fourth level spell. Holy smokes. And now you're just pouring over. Oh, look at this. Bring Sarah back.

Is that from the bullshit school of magic? It is. It's a retargeting of Sarah. I found it in my magic litter box, meow. Anyone else want to say anything about our friend? Just me, huh? We tried and failed. And it sucks. Boy, a word from you, Mordecai.

She will be avenged. Oh, that's good. Yeah. How will we aven from you, Mordecai. She will be avenged. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah. How will we avenge her, Mordecai? By force. Like, will we take a year to do it? No. Swiftly.

Oh, shit. All right. All in the name of Juniper. Vengeance brides. All right. Meow, meow meow meow alright so you guys oh man what are you going to do with the body

now that you've said a few words well let's at least bring it with let's bring her with us for now you know until we see where we unless it makes more sense to bury her back in the magic shop there was so much rubble no one could find all right we could burn her out of fire you could we could we could keep her somewhere keep her somewhere safe meow and maybe uh the dragon might have some sort of resurrection spell, meow. Maybe. So you're saying make a deal with the dragon?

Oh, we could check. Oh, yeah. Before we kill it? It's not a bad idea. Meow. Fascinating. All right. I'm in.

My lips are sealed. Permanently. Gosh. That's my favorite Go-Go song. I feel like I could almost hear Juniper's words if we just listen carefully enough. No, she's texting. Forget it. I'm done.

I'm not yet. Listen, you guys, you're on your own, folks. Let's bring her with us, yeah? We're just going to have to drive her. So how are you Let's bring her with us. Yeah. So how are you going to bring her with you? What are you going to do with the body? Do you have a cape or like sort of what's your, do some sort of wardrobe that we could sort of carry you with?

I have a cape. That's true. And wrap her up in my cape. Oh, that's very sweet. Yeah, we'll wrap her up and use that like a sling. Maybe we can take turns. I don't know. I don't know how much help I can be, but I'll carry her bag, maybe.

Could I do that? Yeah, be too heavy. Now that her soul has left her body. Mordecai, are you strong? Can you carry her? Ish. Yeah. I carry her in my mouth.

Dude, for a shift. For sure. At least now that the force field's down, we can at least see what's coming. Mm-hmm. You can see ahead there's a short distance through a tunnel, and then there's a very large

chamber. Looks like it has high ceilings. And the smell of iron wafts down the tunnel. What does that mean? It means that we're close to eight vitamins. Can we consult the map? Literally.

Do you have it on your phone? I do not, I don't think. Well, I will look it up online. I will tell you what it says. so you just got into that little area between the sparkle crunch stair, which is behind you where the giant was and ahead of you stabby spike town. If you look at the map, uh, there is what looks like a couple of, I'm going to abstract this very thoroughly because i don't

want to give it away you have to discover it a chandelier a pizza and two thimbles and there's red splattered all over them got it so it's a big room coming up so with the iron smell does that mean anything significant to us like is does anybody like, oh, for sure, blood? Insight check. For all of us? Except for Juniper. Are you not even going to talk? I can't talk.

Why can't you? She's grieving. She's dead. I've got a 15. I know, but it's a... I'm here. I'm going to be... It's an audio podcast, though. I'm not a part of this podcast anymore.

Oh, my God. Wait, you said perception? That scared me it's no no uh uh insight inside what'd you get brian 14 4. uh insight 23. oh balls there we go squirrel dice oh balls squirrel dice amazing what did you roll oh yeah I got a uh if you said 15 yeah okay well this is

gonna go definitely to dally tale dally tale you remember one time you uh got distracted while you were chewing on a nut and you bit your lip that is the smell of blood ah you were chewing on a nut and you bit your lip that is the smell of blood so the map checks out big room big room full of death up ahead

yeah and it was labeled also by glibbles as torturey shit and more torturey shit fantastic you also because you have 23 insight You remember Glibbles also told you that his friend Tug lost an arm in there. Right. Well, maybe here's the best place for us to rest then, right? We don't want to go into the big fight room. Yeah, we want to be wide awake when we get our arms ripped off. Right. But if we leveled up, didn't we reload everything?

Well, I don't know. You don't need to rest up. I will give you that was such a powerful moment that you took afterwards to learn new abilities and spells that you are now as in a video game, refreshed.

Let's look around and see if there's anybody else who wants to join the fight. Yeah. How much time do we have left, Sam? Yeah. All right. So, Sarah, if you could just make a character in like three-ish minutes. The Great Randett.

Bluniper. Not gonna happen. It's gonna have to go on without me i know it's hard well they're not though they're strapped to brian's back i can still hear her voice meow that's maybe quiet since we know it's a big fight room let's see what we can do about cautiously approaching. Scout it out. See what it looks like. I mean, you could fly. That's one way to scout.

I could be quiet and sneak. Is anyone else good at that? Stealthiness. Yeah, I'm a little stealthy. Okay. So who's going to do the sneaking? Fly scout. You want to fly?

I'm good stealthy. Are you good stealthy? I'm very good stealthy, yeah. Are you all going to do this together? Are you going to take turns? What's happening? Yeah, let's do it together. Well, I'll stay.

If two are going ahead, I'll stay back with Brian and Juniper. Okay. All right. So you two, Blev. Me and the guy. Fish posh. Stealth check, please. B-E- please. 13.

Okay. 15. Okay. You very cautiously move along the side of the tunnel. You're flying, of course, so you're just trying to as quietly as possible kind of hover through. You see ahead that there is a a very big torture chamber there are skeletons inflate bodies hanging from hooks on the ceiling

there are cages uh same thing some uh half torn apart bodies you see some intestines hanging out of one of them on the ground like yarn there is a rack for pulling people apart that has been recently used but there's not currently a body on it just blood that is very fresh and that is right by the edge of the tunnel um you see it looks like there are some spike contraptions meant to torture people by putting them inside them and having Iron Maiden-like condense around them. And you stop, I would say, probably about 60 feet. You only go like a little, about halfway down the tunnel because you start to see movement.

Can I get a perception check from you two? Can Juniper check from beyond the veil? 13. Perception? 18. Okay, so you can't quite figure it out. You're too busy trying to back up against

the wall while you're flying, but you notice that they are like sort of like almost yeti-like white bear creatures with blood streaking up their arms. Oh, boy, that would be hard to get out. You're gonna make terrible rugs now. Hmm.

So, a couple of wampas. Bloody wampas. You know what? You could see it. Do a history check, Blaine. No. Okay. Can't quite place what it is.

You sure? Six? Are you sure? Yeah. But you said no, so you didn't really give me a choice. Then when you told me the numbers, you did. And I was honest. Do we feel like

they can sense our presence at all? So far, you feel safe. You rolled high enough on that perception check, and both of you, that neither of you were in danger with your stealth check.

You're backed up a fair bit. No one sees you yet. They're not close to the entrance, but the big pulling rack is. Do we feel like they're the only two that are in this room? There's more than two. Just kind of scan the room. Looks like there's at least five.

That's good. And they're bear sized? Yeti sized? They are human sized. They're kind of hunched over. Look like they're maybe six and a half feet tall. Strange

flat faces. Sort of sign. Hard to tell from far away. More locks. strange flat faces. Huh. Hard to tell from far away. Are they talking to each other? Are they making any noise? They're grunting. Again, you'd have to risk getting closer, which you can do. I'll make you roll again.

What are they, torching? The dc will go up the impression you guys get is that people are being tortured killed um can't quite tell if they're being eaten can't tell if there's a ritual being done but if you got closer these are all things that i would be willing to yeah if they're where are they getting the people from i don't know is there like a vending machine in there or something i'm gonna try to get a dollar if you get closer i would be willing to uh answer a question like can we tell if there are any living people or if there are any clues of their source of these people

or anything like that. You're not close enough. You're 60 feet away. So we can't... How far away does the room end? Do we see that? You can't see the end of it. There's too many things in the room.

Okay. Should we head back and just tell everybody? Yeah. Do you guys head back? Let Dallytail and... A bunch of big white Do you guys head back? Let Dally tell. A bunch of big white hairy things. While you guys have been up there, I've been sitting there with Monica going like,

it must feel good to know that there are people who are willing to follow you. Always one step at your shoulder. At least that's where I'll be. He's not as opposed to it as Ronnie was. Who's Ronnie? I don't know. All right.

So what do you guys think? Do we want to try and... Does it seem like it's a sneakable murder bear cave? Is there a way to take the lights out in the room? You guys would have seen from far away, it looked like there were some sort of torture sconce lights. Is there any sort of, anybody have invisibility? I don't have invisibility.

I mean, if we all stay close to me, remember, I can cast Pass Without a Trace, and we pretend as long as you stay within, I believe it's 30 feet of me everyone stays quite quiet. But does it seem like the kind of place that we could even think about sneaking through?

You didn't get close enough to know if there was a hint as to how you could sneak through. Unless there's another idea. I believe Juniper would say something about, you know, not being cowardice if we're trying to be wise to save our lives. Oh,

that gets a nod. All right. She's nodding at a text. Fine. What do you think Mordecai you're a cook I'm a chef

what do I think of what trying to sneak past the murder guys as opposed to attacking them do you saw six of them at least five I mean it's probably safe to say everybody we've encountered so far is already some kind of like does it seem like wide enough

around them like there was a way to get around them maybe i mean i've can't i have passed without a trace so i i can help our sneakiness we could all sort of move through a veil of ranger-infused magic. Pass without a trace is a 10 bonus to your stealth. Yeah, let's try it. You know, everyone else has been some sort of empowered ghost. You know, it already cost us juniper. Maybe we could try and spare ourselves losing. Let's cast eyes without a face.

All right. I could not see. And with a rebel yell. It's black and white. All right, so I cast pass without a face. All right. I could not see. It's black and white. All right, so I cast a pass without a trace. So I believe the rule is as long as everyone stays within 30 feet, you get plus 10 to your, I think it's agility. So that would be stealth.

Look out for rates. Mm-hmm. Steve Stevens had a nice guitar tone He did Yeah I had a Steve Stevens hammer for a while Oh yeah

Okay, pass up trace, cast Unmarked We going in? We're sneaking around, right? Everybody's gonna roll a stealth check To get in the room And find cover where you can, you know, at least

huddle up and point at where you're going to go in the room. Right. So I have a plus 16. Automatically? Yeah. Do you have an automatic 26 on this stealth check? No, no, no. Automatic 16 whenever I roll.

I got a 28. 25. I got a 25. Still? Yeah. Everybody's crushing it. Not bad. Not bad.

No. It's plus 10 plus whatever your bonus is. Oh, okay. Yeah. Three, seven. 21. It's 21. You guys all bonus is. Oh, okay. Yeah. Three, seven, 21. It's 21. You guys all beat 20. You elegantly glide, you know, through the corners of the zoo.

How do we have a bonus on it? I missed that. A cast without a trace. Oh, got it. Okay. Courtesy of the forest. Thanks, pal. You realize pretty quickly there is not a lot of uh uh cover but the torch light in here

keeps things semi-dim their shadows seem to be everywhere and um you get to the the mouth of the room the rack is about 10 feet in front of you and it is currently propped up and you think oh maybe this is supposed to be like a warning to people approaching it's a sort of like a 45 degree angle and there are chains uh coming down the top and a smear of blood coming down you kind of like look to either side and you know just past it and on either side there are cages of uh of the spike by pushing in sort um both of them seem to have like little strips of meat held together with pins that push all the way into the middle, but there are no beings in them.

You look past and there are rows behind them. So those two indicate there are more, but the rest of them look like they're like kind of like pulled apart or like not quite working. And you look a little closer and they're like kind of like pulled apart or like not quite working uh and you look a little uh closer and uh you're like okay like it looks like maybe they're old or overused or something um and then you kind of have to stay under uh the rack if you're going into the room so does that sound like what you guys would do kind of like i guess we're jumping under it from cover to cover so yeah if the best cover is underneath it then yeah i guess we'd be underneath if you get underneath it you can get more of a view of the

room you see that there are a couple of beings far that have these white sort of uh almost yeti like beings beings torturing them. One of them has a flail and is just like beating someone with chains. You two haven't seen them yet. Would you like to roll an insight check to see if you can figure out what these white yeti-ish bear people are? Yes, please. Insight, you say?

Mm-hmm. 15? 18. Oh, 18, I'll give it to you. They are quaggots. Why? It's a quaggoth. What does that mean? We'll have to find out.

But before we do, Juniper Sharp, you're dead. You're dead. There's blackness after you felt the scythe tear into you. There's a moment of stillness where you do not feel, you do not think, except there is a moment of irony. You feel just, what is ironic?

It's the scythe landing on you. But when you, when you've been sort of still for a while, a voice says, huh, you know, my scythe landed on you. You almost got it. My flesh was wrapped around it and I did feel that in the moment. So I am catching you before you travel far from your body i i'm not technically dead or trapped in that form so i can do whatever i want must be nice

i do have a spare soul you know that i was gifted from adventurers who came before you i could be convinced to offer it but you would be bound to me you would be connected to me There would be a pact involved. And you would suddenly breathe again. You would just breathe because I allowed it. I would be with you at all times. That sounds real fucked up.

No thanks. Very well. Perhaps I will see you. that sounds real fucked up no thanks very well perhaps I will see you perhaps I will see you in in the infernal realm I've made my peace perhaps the celestial realm I do

Sam what do you think happened D&D's fucked up right we heard the chef's blend theme song Blaine cast spare the dying on Sarah we heard the first episode of our side podcast two metal for Brian we succeeded in knocking the scythe out of her hands then Juniper was cut nearly in half

and died moments after Dwendalyn was petrified and the force field was dropped we all leveled up after we didn't need to rest boo we're considering sneaking by the murder guys instead of fighting them there's a torture chamber with yetis beating people then juniper heard a voice offering her a soul in the outro credits teaser scene all right cool i will be in seattle and then killing your friend yeah i feel great um yep check out my stand-up i talked about it well sir first of many

yeah sir took like a chip thanks who will die next sarah her new character by the way like yeah the funniest thing i could do you would have been able to come back but you would have been a level one warlock dual class there's something i feel like juniper would not accept someone else's soul to be like payment for her to return. I just felt that didn't feel like something that she would do. Well, and because Archfey are a standard option for Warlock Pact, I just felt like that was the right move.

Yeah. No, that's cool. I hope you're not mad that I said no because I feel like it's not what she wanted. All I wanted was for you not to get mad at me for giving you one more chance. I'm mad at all of you. Got any gigs you want to plug? Oh yeah, just look at my Instagram.

I plugged them last episode. It's going to be the same stuff. Cool. Ditto for me, brianfossain.com, tour dates. But Patreon, thanks for your support. And then we've got merch. You know, old merch, it's discounted now, isn't it? No?

Well. But new merch coming. But check that shit out. Just in time for Mother's Day. Yep. Father's Day. Arbor Day. I've got merch at time for Mother's Day. Yep. Father's Day. Arbor Day. I've got merch at brianforsane.com.

You can get a Mavis shirt of me and my sweet Mavie that we lost in December. But, and then I've got comic books coming soon. Blaine. We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this epi... You got walls and a roof? Well... On the next Nerd Poker, a strange meteor brings Jay Leno's Tonight Show money to life.

And only Chris can stop it from buying more Duesenbergs. All this, and Chris takes us all to Mills in his new Duesenberg. On the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening and you actually when you're famous you don't have to sir you call it a rat yeah i know one

of my best friends has an only fans and she's just like lewd you know it's not like you can still make money porn you know who's got a great only i just do bear shit just like yeah probably oh people yeah all you need to succeed on OnlyFans. Especially because people know who you are. Yeah, that's the only... That would make a fortune. If you have a following, that's what it's for.

You should do a satire OnlyFans. The sad OnlyFans is when people are like, well, I don't have any friends. Weren't you talking about there was something on Mr. Show where you were laying on a bunch of bananas wearing like a... Oh, yeah.

The Faresleys. Faresleys grocery store. In the diaper. pay a couple months so you're you fart you're more no i think you should dress like a anime chick or something or uh yeah like bunny ears do it like a calendar just you know each month a different theme