Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 11

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

Welp, the ol' Dungeon Master made good on his promise to for this to be a deadly campaign. And now a cheery lil' torture room full of death bears! Okay let's stop being falsely optimistic for laffs, Dan has gone bonkers and we're all going to die. Please send help. *flares go up in the vast arctic sky as the boat sinks beneath an ice berg* For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course, our kick-ass DM, Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pessain. You're listening to Nerd Poker. It's episode 11 of the Mountain Campaign. We're back to doing recording in my dining room. And Rhodes is getting some food with his mom.

Otherwise, he'd be here talking about Sierra Mist. So Sierra Mist it up for him. My friends are here, although we're down one because she's dead. But she might be back. Her ghost might be in the other room. I wonder if Sarah were only here

if only the ghost of Sarah's character could hear my voice. Brian, are you okay? You gotta let it go. There we go. Blaine's here. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna. A ghost.

A g-g-g-g-g-ghost. Chris is here. I'm glad Sarah's dead. So much more room to spread out. Ken and I can finally touch. Get rid of this chair. Get cozy. That's Ken, everybody.

It is me. You're right. Dan's also here. Hey, I'm excited. Yeah. Yeah. Soon I'll have all of you in the other room. Oh.

Sam's here. Hello, sweet children. Hey, buddy. buddy how you doing i'm good do you have one of those do you have one of the are you recording ramen what's that are you recording ramen right now yeah i have a separate mic set up he's zooming no but is there a video do you have him on like oh no i don't a cute camera no i wish yeah you gotta get that hooked up. I like it when they have it on their collar and see their point of view. Oh.

Is that a thing? There's a cat on Instagram that fucking runs around all the time. That's amazing. Smells other cats and jumps on shit. I got to find that cat. That darn cat. Dan? Yeah.

Do you want to thank some people? You thank some people? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I will. You know what happened last week. Warning in advance, my throat is a little scratchy because the air purifier in my home stopped working. So I'm going to be doing the voice

today or else I won't be able to talk the rest of the episode. You need one of those things with a squeeze bottle perfume atomizer? Oh, yeah oh yeah yeah yeah that'd be great i do that's exactly what i need so uh episode 12 i will also uh be playing that card thank you to patreon supporters you guys go by usernames like graham fritz thanks graham fritz thank you the skeletoragon trail thank you Thank you, Thorsday Adams.

Thank you, Soma Trinapp. Thank you. Thank you, Jim. The Jim-a-fucking-Price. Price. Thank you. Dan wouldn't read my last name. I don't know what that's a reference to, but if you are having an issue, please

send us a message on Patreon, and the appropriate person will get a message to me, and I will check my spreadsheet to see if we said your name correctly i feel i need to say that so that everyone listening doesn't think that dan has been skimping or something i want to know what the name was i know it's i it was probably very racist or not thank you nerd poker taught me math weird thank you john m emmer nailed it thank you cloister moist when your cloister is just too dry thank you brett hutz apple thank you dac and coke thank you brent thank you paul and paul and onka that sounds right thank you petey thank you eric farmer and finally thank you that thing with the you know that other thing

Blaine who are those supporters brought to us by flush of fish fish coffins your beloved pets fiddle resting place plus you can shit in it flush of fish fish coffins from American standard and garbage throw it out

garbage Dan thank you Blaine you can shit in it i'm glad sarah's not here for that one you shit in the coffin yes the fish coffin the joke being that you yeah okay i wasn't sure maybe it was a real common american standard sold it for me yeah it started it started off as a fish coffin and i was was like, oh yeah, it would just be a... Get out the whiteboard. Then who else is in a coffin? Get some...

Juniper Sharp. Oh no. Juniper Sharp. Do you want to do the recap? Brian, since you can do the voice. I'll just repeat everything you said. That's perfect. That's perfect. Okay, okay. Last time on Nerd Poker. Last time on Nerd Poker. Our crew went into a torture chamber.

Our crew went into a torture chamber. Having defeated the echo of an archfey. Having defeated the echo of an archfey. A bunch of big words, sibilant sibilants. A bunch of big words, sibilant sibilants. They snuck into the torture chamber and hid beneath the table they snuck into the torture chamber and hid beneath the table i'm a big booby i'm a big boob god damn it that that should do that should do that should do that should do right wait well you can do that as

long as you want i'm gonna do you tried uh you guys are now level seven i believe yes i did not have a chance to double check before driving over but uh i believe you guys have some say oh no leveling up to discuss there's always hit points even if it was a boring level up i think some people are keeping close mathematical track because they have your your uh character sheets so So how was your level up, Brian? Yeah, not bad. My charisma's higher. Can't you tell? Just by one.

It's still low. And you're a fighter. Yes. I'm always going to be the equaler. I equipped my crossbow, which is a plus six. Anyway. Oh, and I now have

73 max. Nice. That's great. What is your subclass again, Brian? Oh, he's a champion fighter

okay you get a a martial archetype feature did you pick one of those oh no different fighters choose different approaches to perfecting their fighting prowess the martial archetype you choose

to emulate reflects your approach so you might want to keep that in mind oh it's yeah well it's martial archetype you choose to emulate reflects your approach. So you might want to keep that in mind. Oh, it's, yeah, well, it's it was champion and then what's PHB 72? It's a feature for champions. So yeah, like That's player's handbook, page 72.

Oh, okay. That makes a hell of a lot of sense. I'm trying to find the level seven thing in here starting at seventh level you can add half your proficiency bonus round up so that'll be on your first page your character sheet like what's like up here someplace i think is that it no that's initiative is that it i can't read upside down somewhere that somewhere there's a proficiency bonus uh yep right in the middle here so it's a three round up so that's a two okay and you can add that to any strengths dexterity or constitution check you make that doesn't already use your proficiency bonus. Nice.

Yeah. In addition, when you make a long running jump, you might want to write this one down, Brian. The distance you can cover. So wait, it was plus three and now it's plus two? The proficiency? No. You can add. So I would put plus two and then under it in that little space,

say strength, dexterity, constitution check without proficiency. Sorry, ST. You want going to go right for you. All right, I'm going to fast. You've got to do bits on the mic while I do it, though. Hey, everybody. Is that your wife or? Is that your wife or? Yes, that's my wife, sir.

What of it? She's very pretty. Congratulations. Thank you. Killer's very pretty. Congratulations. Thank you. Killer joke. This is very relatable. This is almost having proficiency in other stuff. So basically, if you're...

I'll even do this. Using something here that doesn't already have the darkened dot next to it. And it's strength decks are common. You can add a plus two. Okay, cool. Yeah.

And this is what I wanted you to write down because you might want to do this in your own phrasing. In addition, when you make a running long jump, the distance you can cover increases by number of feet equal to your strength modifier. Nice. Plus two. So you can add two feet to any any jump oh wow and because i'm a great dm brian are you ready you have wings yay know how to use them um because you cannot uh benefit greatly from that you are already able to just like fly during a long jump. I'm going to say for your flying speed,

you can add plus five. Flying speed. So it's like one more square when you're flying around in combat. Ken, how was your level? It was good. Got some more hit points. Upped my spells a bit. Uh-huh. More powerful.

Higher level. Did you pick any new spells or anything like that? Nothing new. Okay. And what's your hit points now? 50. That's not bad. That's alright. You're being very coy. Maybe I'm coy. Oh, you've... Excuse me. Folks, I finally caught up to you

and I, too, know that Ken is coy. Yeah, I mean, not much happened. I'm more of a 6th-level, 8th-level person. Apparently. Chris, how about you? Nothing much. I have 60 hit points, and I picked up at level 7 a ranger thing. It's a defensive tactic.

And, uh, so I selected multi attack defense. When a creature hits you with an attack, I gain plus four bonus to AC against all subsequent attacks made by that creature for the rest of the turn. So I guess it's kind of like shield a little bit. Oh,

nice. Yeah. Uh, that's good stuff blaine how about you uh seventh level i get a starbucks gift card and uh and a free footlong pretzel at subway or a cookie whichever whichever i want also uh i get uh two fourth level spells, Dimension Door and Polymorph, which come with my Trickster School Meow. Nice.

And of course, I have 75,000 more hit points. 75,000? That's so much. Oh, and I get one of those sparkly balls that has a ball inside of it, and I can bat it around. What do you guys think?

It's kind of loud, so I try not to play with it at night, but that's really when I'm up. What do you guys think Sarah would do if she got to level up her character right now? Juniper? I don't know. She probably could like run on walls or something. She's a monk.

If only her ghost was here to guide us. Ken, you're kind of a medium. Do you think maybe you could speak to Sarah's ghost? What she would do? Juniper Sharp's ghost. Juniper Sharp's ghost. Juniper's ghost.

Please let me rest in peace. You guys, she's on Pinterest. She's trying to concentrate. Our laughs just blew out the speakers. Well, you are all under a table. And as such, I am going to want to start fooling around with everybody's little folks. Where's Pish Posh? Oh, you don't have your figure?

No, I lost it. You son of a shit. don't have your figure? No, I lost it. You son of a shit. I'm sorry. Beautiful figure. I already lost it. It's awesome. How did you do that? Because it's small.

It's got to be in your car. Oh, that's really small. They're just, you know. That's easy to lose. Have you checked your butt? I'm not going to let you use that giant Chessix cage. All right. Let me find you something a little more appropriate.

It's Fulbrane Games. I'll let you choose. You can be a gob's phone brain games. I'll let you choose. It can be a goblin or this guy. I'll be this guy. Perfect. He's awesome. Looks just like me. Pretty close. Just imagine wings. Remember, you have wings. Yes. And I have to cast a

spell to fly. You got a little bit of the weird thing and you're crawling on the ground, right? Sure. Willie. Oh, yeah. willy d and you see uh there are five you just realized quaggoth which are these like wolf bear like creatures right oh yeah we're sneaking around and yeah you're sneaking around there's torture equipment everywhere blood everywhere and um that video game that was a shooting game chiller was it chiller yeah that's right so this is reminding me of torture they've been uh whispering

and under common over on the other side of the room one of them leaves the room under common there's now four of them in the room and the room looks a little something like this. Oh, hello. Oh, lobster. There's a little smog. It looks like lobster cage things. Let me describe more stuff that you can't see while you're listening on your... Again, these minis, I would love to have done another couple of rounds of paint on them. So if you're going to shit into the coffin, do you squat right over it

because you want to, or do you try not to hit the fish? There's a seat. I'm talking about the fish. Is the point to shit on the fish? Oh, no. I think the fish you can flush. It's separate from my shit.

Yeah, but I mean you can flush them both at the same time. I'm going to write this up in a letter for Sarah. So, if you have like a diagram. Well, you know what? You also have to be careful that no rats come up and eat the dead fish or the shit. I wonder if Sarah would have

any feelings about that. What? Toilet rat eating shit and a fish? Or just coming up and biting your butt. That would be, can you imagine? No don't want to what if what if the the rat came out of the toilet and just sort of like uh just started like making out with the fish or my butt your butt well i guess for a second i'd be like i don't think my butt would necessarily know what making out feels like so i think for a second i'd be like like, I don't think my butt would necessarily know what making out feels like. So I think for a second, I'd be like, is that rat making out with my butt? Do I know it's a rat?

Well, you wouldn't know what it was. And the rat would just think that it was another giant rat. You know, they just had the podcast awards and we were totally overlooked. What the fuck? Not even nominated? Can you believe that? Not even up for one. Son of a.

That's weird. Son of a bitch. What about, like, Best Sarah? We have a pretty good Sarah. We do have a pretty good Sarah. I mean... We could get... We could sweep the saris.

Ooh! I have a poorest understanding of the rules of the game we're playing. Reverse, reverse, skip. Most playing get by ear. Am I wrong that the first Omen looks like it might be entertaining? No, you're not wrong. And they did a version of the trailer to look like a 70s trailer. Ooh.

The actual studio did. And it actually looks really 70s. And is there really actually controversy about it? People are freaking out. Oh, I don't know about that. Oh, okay. Is there AI in it? No, no.

I mean, like from the Catholic Church, like in the old days. Who cares? Fuck them. The fairy tale commission has a problem. I know people always lean into the exorcist as being the scariest, but the omen fucking freaked me out as a kid. There's a lot more death and destruction in the omen. Yeah, there's more just mayhem. Yeah.

Yeah. I like them both. Dude's getting fucked in their heads. That was the second one, right? No, that was the first one. There's a decapitation and a spearing. Oh, yeah. Which one has the elevator?

That's two. That's Damien. That's Earthquake. Yeah. No. No. I don't remember. Maybe that is two.

I don't know. Isn't that the fly two? Is that what you're talking about? No, there's a. I don't remember that is, too. I don't know. Isn't that the fly, too? Is that what you're talking about? No, there's a scene in Damien the Omen, too, where somebody's in an elevator, and it still freaks me out when I'm in an elevator, of, like, if it stops, and the cords that you're on,

what are the... Oh, yeah, it's just cut somebody in half. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Swinging through the roof. It's like a death ship. It just cuts them in half, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah the roof. It's like a death ship. It just cuts them in half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that death ship.

The only good thing about the whole movie is the beginning. And then you turn it up. It's so fucked up. And then you can move on. Death, exciting and new. It should have been called Death Boat. That would be better than Death Ship. There was a Death Boat.

Was there? A long time ago. Because it's an old Swedish silent horror movie called Death Boat. Was there? A long time ago. There's an old Swedish silent horror movie called Death Boat. Oh, I don't know that. Oh, what else looks good? I'm an expert

on everything horror. This movie, Abigail, looks fun. Is that the ballerina one? Yeah. But you know what? They fucking give the whole movie away in the trailer.

What the hell? Yeah. You shouldn't know. They give away such big secrets. Yeah. She's a vampire. and it's also like what we did on mr show it's like and this happens yeah and this happens and you won't believe the surprise ending and they did like people do that here's the whole script like we're fucking with

them while they're doing it 90s they're like um they're like they're like revealing a secret and they're doing that classic trailer thing of just like like just loud banging noises by the way listeners dan is still setting up though that's why they're killing time you know what also looks good is long legs i don't know this cage oh yeah as a psycho it's apocalypse movie too he has like three things coming out in the next couple months yeah he's retired yes he's wrapping it up real tight taking some time off to uh Bruce Willis a million dollars for a day kind of thing he's been doing that for years yeah yeah he had to get a comic book collection back and stuff you know was he gonna buy it back oh I don't know he's just lost so we could ask Jerry Jerry used to know the history of that

whole thing because he worked at Golden Apple that's's right. So he was there in the 90s or 2000s when. When he bought it off? Yeah. Oh, no, when he tried to sell it. Oh, got it. Got it. Yeah. I think he's doing okay now.

Probably he's been doing a lot of movies. People like Jerry has crazy stories. Like, cause Michael Jackson would come in and shop and fucking Sam Jackson. I saw Sam Jackson in the store, but he was like, I love it when Sam Jackson would moonwalk. But he's like, you know, go on new comic book day kind of guy or he was DiCaprio had like a crazy collection. Interesting. DiCaprio had like a crazy collection. Interesting.

Just the ones I can remember that Jerry told me that. Jackson was like in there all the time. Well, both Jacksons. What about Miss Jackson? Yeah, she was too. What about, I'm sorry, Miss Jackson. Action Jackson. We should get Jerry to guest on the other uh on the patreon yeah i'm good with that

i like that idea he's a nice man he could fill in for sarah oh my god she's dead she's dead wow this is looking like there's a lot i didn't want to fuck around with this so you guys enter this i say we just run to the exit and get out of this room immediately.

Looks like Dr. Frankenstein's lab. Totally. And then, of course. Like a torture chamber thing kind of going on there, too. Iron Maiden. Some hanging cages. There's a bingo roller. I see like a bingo roller in the corner.

Oh, yeah. No, not for you. you can't eat it like you did my mic buffer thing you know that stretching torture yeah the rack i would like that like once a week yeah well there's you know you go to the cracker chiropractor that's what traction is yeah hang some weights off your hips what about that Batman bed where you hang the hooks on your thing and you sleep upside down what the fuck

from the 89 Batman movie oh from that one I thought this was something I could purchase on Amazon yeah it is it's a slanted bed and you tilt it up however you want inverted bed or something like that inversion bed there's all kinds of shit you can do to yourself now Dan that however you want yeah inverted bed or something like that yeah inversion that's it

yeah there's all kinds of shit you can do to yourself no dan these are like bear people yes jesus christ there's a lot of stuff in here all right so yeah and uh busy busy blood everywhere one of them is leaning over a table full of torturing tools you can't quite see what's going on back here but there's some cages. There are some flaying racks. Two more of the Kragals were just whispering to the guy who left. And then you got this big motherfucker right over there.

Are there people? Why don't I get a perception check from everybody? Okay. 14 for Mordecai 11 6 that's a big

3 plus 4 7 it's really hard to see Brian Mordecai can see there are multiple skeletons and maimed corpses

and body parts just sort of laying around there might be people in these two cages, but you can't quite see with a 13, unfortunately. You're trying to see past.

Your angle's not good enough. What about with a 14? What does that mean? You said 13. I rolled a 14. Yeah, I would need a 15. Close. Is a 7 a 15? Nobody's screaming though

no but they're kind of like cackling like hyenas to each other saying disturbing words that you don't quite understand because none of you speak under common right under common I doubt it I speak common

that's half of it. Different language. If we're under the table, speaking common. Oh, yeah, we are under the table. Can I get a stealth check from everybody as you try to look around the room

and there are antagonists walking around? My eyes are very sneaky. 18. Big nine. Oh, boy. Little seven. I'm a clumsy. 26.

Nice. My pots. Little seven. I'm a clumsy. 26. Nice. My pots. My pans. We'll say Pish Posh and Mordecai. You guys are just trying to shift your wings around underneath the tables. And it makes just a draft. It's kind of like. All right.

And the guy over here at the torture table kind of like turns and starts stalking over there luckily there's a big pile of body parts right about here so he doesn't like immediately see you but you can tell he's walking over hmm I am

gonna do you have the hourglass if not I'll use my phone oh cool can you do that? no Do you have the hourglass? If not, I'll use my phone. I cast blink on all of us. It turns us to another room. Oh, cool. Can you do that? No. Oh. I guess I'll spread out.

Can I use my 22 stealth to maybe move to a, I don't know, the corner over there? You're going to be the only person I sort of give like an extra stealth thing to. But yeah, because you got a 22. Which one do you want? Where do you want to go? I guess just seeing as he's coming here. There's the most cover in that corner. I guess if that is this the with that is that the northwest corner this golden bowl yeah okay um everybody else if you don't tell me what you're gonna do by the time the sand runs out you're gonna have to roll another stealth check as this guy advances on you

roll another stealth check as this guy advances on you. What did you do, Chris? I stealthed just to spread out because it seems like he's walking towards us. I'm going to go to the opposite corner. Can I get a stealth check for you? Absolutely. 14.

Okay. Noted. I'm going to go check out this golden calf. Okay. Noted. I'm going to go check out this golden calf. Okay, we're going to go over there. Let's get a stealth check for Mishposh. Blaine, what are you up to? I'm going to do the same thing. Head over to the golden calf. I get stealth checks from both of you guys? Oh, 20. Nice.

Plus 626. Nice. Meow. That's a 13 plus 2, 15. Goes over here. And these tables should look like this. And he starts just sniffing around.

Mordecai, he's got his back to you right now. Okay. Cool. I'm going to cast the fart of smelling flipping the hourglass again Dan as far as what what do you

are you gonna try to advance are we gonna swing this side sure yeah I mean something will happen at the end of the hourglass

so okay roll another stealth check please alright that's a six score plus two big six. Yes.

About there. Yeah. And the torture guy kind of like saunters up to you and says hello.

I will act natural and pretend I don't exist. Do a deception check wow that's a four he walks up to you and he goes

hello you bring the souls yes uh yes souls for the babies yes yes where are the souls for the babies they're right outside I'm going to bring them in in a second and I sort of head to the door do a persuasion check

souls for the babies that's a four but that's also a botch, isn't it? It's a one plus three. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I said. I think the last one was a botch then, too.

He says... I forgot. You sneaky soul. Yeah, I'm sneaky. Keep your soul here for the babies. Okay. Well, they're coming along any second now. I think maybe I have the meats now

no we're in an Arby's I'm going to shoot him with my bow I was about to we'll have Chris take the first shot and then everyone will roll initiative alright firing don't tell me right away

we can tell these guys are evil yeah he just asked for souls for the babies by dragon. Don't tell me right away. We can tell these guys are evil. Yeah. I mean, he just asked for souls for the babies. They're giggling in a torture room, so if they're cool, they've made a big mistake. Chris, what's your roll to attack?

It is 14 to hit. Yeah, excuse me. Alright, One second. I'm trying to pull this up. Kill time. Kill time. I shot him with my dragon wing longbow.

There you go. Do some additional radiant damage on top of the normal damage it does i like it if it hits i don't know while i'm waiting what is your initiative chris uh my initiative roll will be uh 17 22 oh wow all And Klargoth still loading. Ooh, it's a hit. Yay! 13 natural armor. Okay.

So damage-wise, it does 5 and 2 plus 5. So total... Oh, wait. Yeah, 5 and 2. So 12 damage total. All right. Yeah, 5 and 2 is a 12 damage total. All right.

And everybody else, tell me your initiatives, please. 13. 9. Do we need to roll initiative for anybody held in one of those little cages, maybe? Nope. Ken? Seems sad. 19.

Sweet. Ryan, how long do you think it's going to take for us to kill these guys? Three episodes. Three episodes. Good fight. We're already in the door. So maybe one. That's true.

It's going to be a... Sam, if you notice, we had no problem with the door this time. I noticed that. Okay, good. Boo. There was no door. We should have rested. What else?

Quackoths. I'm on one of those weight loss drugs. I'm not going to say which one for the show. Botulism? No, but the side effects should be you just feel like meh all the time.

Oh, that's no good. I'm losing. Sorry about that. And if you're a foodie you can't eat it it's not enjoyable anymore it's it's fucking crazy always takes away the liver bed or like craving no you just you're not hungry you're not hungry you started and you automatically feel gross you automatically go i want to stop oh it's really weird bummer yeah because it's the first time i've ever been like that yeah i love shit that's why i got so good so frustrating you're like you're looking at that chili dog at carney's and going i don't know i don't love you anymore why are you just driving around the valley you know that's a sandwich i'll never try

oh my gosh. Fat sounds. I miss you. Chris, you are also first in the turn order. What would you like to do? I will shoot at that same guy again. Okay. If I may. You may. It's a 23 to hit. That's a hit.

Cool. And this time, because he's already damaged, I'm going to use my, I have Levi with a thing called Colossus Slayer, which allows me to throw an extra D8. If something has already been damaged. Okay. So I get to roll for damage wise.

I get to roll two D8 plus a D6 for the bow. And then I add five is my damage bonus to this so it's a four four and a ten so 18 plus five 23 points of damage to that some bitch gosh dingle dangle nice and then movement wise um i see between i think we're in that northwest corner i see like a hangman's thing and then i guess i just want to try and move and get some more cover or unless unless i'm already at best cover where i am um you're kind of cornered you have a little more cover because the golden bull is a lot wider and taller like or it's you know it's like a bigger chunk of mass is there space under because again i'm tiny i'm only like so maybe could i just get under it great that's what i will do in search of cover remember you're under it because you're only trying to get your table your tail that's been under cool uh ken you're up uh acid splashes

acid splash and he's already yelped as arrows into his throat that's a dexterity saving throw it's gonna be a 12 that is a fail

so acid on him oh is this your acid breath 12. That is a fail. Okay. Ooh. So, blech! Acid on him. Oh, is this your acid breath? It's an acid. 11 points of damage. Jeez. All right.

That guy's probably dead, and then Juniper... He's, like, barely standing barely standing juniper crawl out of his body no oh anything else can uh no i'll just watch him bubble oh god okay um he like with just maddened rage flies at you uh quaggots have what's called Wounded Fury. When they are low on health, they have advantage on attack rolls. They also deal an additional 2d6 damage if they hit.

Yipes! Pounce is on you. And so he has multi-attack. He's going to rip at you with both hands. That's going to be... Goddamn. Lethal. 11 to hit?

No. That would be a 21 to hit? Yes. Okay. So this is going to be 3d6 plus 3. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my. Roll low. Thanks.

That's what I want. He did. Sort of. 10 points of slashing damage. Yeah. Here comes his other hand. Oh, no. He's rolling with advantage. 14 hit?

No. Sorry. And 16 hit. Three attacks? Nope. I rolled advantage. I rolled twice. The first one, twice this one. 16 is my armor. I am sending thoughts and prayers.

Wait, I just took too many points off. It's going to be 12 points plus 3, so 12 points of slashing damage with his other hand. Jesus. Damn, yo. Oops.

So, that's that quaggoth. No, what the hell? I'm screwing myself the rest of them come running so oh fuck uh 5 10

15 20 this guy gets he's gonna use his uh dash no he's not he doesn't need his dash. This guy's going to go here. They just say souls for the babies.

Souls for the babies. That's what they say? That's just so creepy yeah fucking weird and this guy waves his hands and green sparks fly out of it the other guy does the same

green sparks and as both of them wave their hands you see that The other guy does the same. Green sparks. And as both of them wave their hands, you see that Quaggoth, who is on the verge of death, like his fur kind of like... Oh, they can become full again. Interesting. They got Heelys. And his broken jaw where one of the arrows hit

just starts to click back into place. Oh, fuck. Big boy. Yes. His broken jaw where one of the arrows hit just starts to click back into place. Oh, fuck. Big boy. Yes. I can't. He can't quite get it. Yeah. That's good.

At least not, you know. Yet. Yet. So he is going to wave a hand and he goes and doubles in size well well well Sarah Ken's gonna come join

you and then he is is he done yeah he's done then he is I believe is he done? Yeah, he's done. Okay. And that will bring us to Blaine.

I'm going to invoke duplicity. Okay. And I'm going to have my duplicate run that way. Okay. And I'm going to have my duplicate run that way. Okay. And I'm actually going to be moving up this way. I can't see where I am. Sorry.

That's you. Oh, it is? I think. Oh, that's the squirrel. Oh, yeah. All right. I'm going to move up, I guess, The squirrel. I'm going to move up this way.

I'm going to do a sacred flame down on the quaggoth that has just been healed. Okay. That's a...

Dex check, right? Dex check. Or save and throw. Eleven. Yeah, that's a hit, I guess. Okay, great. That's radiant damage, right?

Yes, nine points of radiant damage. Sweet. Yelps as his fur gets singed off once again. He's just going through a lot right now. I think that means it's going to be Brian's turn. Oh, I'm just busy. uh yep you're up brian okay um is there advantage since i will be essentially backstabbing him coming on the big guy um i

think you have to have behind that included in your abilities too. Backstab isn't a thing in 5e, so if you have something where... I have a thing called an opportunity attack. That's when they pull away from you. Unfortunately, you're not quite

in the best spot because when he enlarged himself, he stayed 5 feet away from Ken, so he's not quite flank the best spot because when he enlarged himself, he, he stayed five feet away from Ken. So he's not quite, um, flanked. Okay. Um,

well, I'm going to fly at him. Irregardless as dumb people say, and, and, uh, I'm gonna, uh,

uh, attack him. Okay. Uh, with my battle X, well, actually two weapons. so I'm going to hit him with the battle axe and the longsword. Nice!

So, I'll be right there. Okay. Chop, slice. He's there, and I'm right behind him. Cool. Ah, cock. Can you fix that, Ken? Ah, cock. Ah, cock.

The stocks fell over. You tripped over the stocks. Roll battle X and long sword. Yeah, one at a time. Give us the... Nothing with the battle X. That's probably a hit. A 21 on the battle axe. Okay. That's probably a hit. A 21 on the longsword.

Oh, that is a hit. 16 plus 5. What is that? Rolling my d8, everybody. 6 on slashing damage. All right. Cool. And that's the first attack, right?

Yeah. Okay. And I swing again? Yep. Both. I'm going to swing the battle axe again. Mm-hmm. Rolling low on the Battle Axe.

I'm assuming a 10's not a hit. I'm afraid not. And rolling low on the Longsword. Wah, wah. That's it okay Dan can I ask you a question before we move on I suppose are these

are these considered creatures or humanoids oh that's a great question I believe a humanoid is a kind of creature unfortunately because there's whole creature and there's whole person um it is a humanoid okay um i think let me see i hate these rules these are my least favorite rules what type of of thing is it what the the spell or the thing you're looking up

i'm uh the quality like the the fucking humanoid or creature it's like oh my goodness sorry oh my dear i'm so i'm so my mom now. Jesus Christ. My mom always yawns. Sorry. I used to have a joke about how my mom would advertise her yawns. Listeners, if I'm wrong, sorry. What would you do? Something radically. I'm so tired.

It's like, yeah. They all know. And you love murder, she wrote. Yes. And knitting. Those are kind of your top three. Yeah. The Bible's dry sand. Oh, she wrote. Yes. And knitting. Those are kind of your top three. I had a listener reach out recently about me

getting something wrong and they specifically asked me to retcon it and it was damage from the fight with the Ceramorph giant and I was like, I don't even know what that math would possibly be. I was like i'm so listeners

uh look we all make we're all we're all making and you know what i'll do my best to kill blaine before he can figure out whether or not he's going to hold one of these questions as the great billy joel said you're only human oh actually you know what since you ran away for you blaine since you ran over there can i get a perception check? Yes. Can somebody describe Billy Jones as the Jalen of music? 17. Oh, okay.

Crumpled in a pile, it looks like there is an unconscious humanoid. In the cage? Yes. Set them on fire, Blaine. Okay, yeah, yeah. I'm just going to immediately set it on fire. Chris, you're up. Well, I, of course, encourage

Lapidus to set that person on fire. Meow, meow, meow. I will maybe lean out, use a little movement from under the bull so I can get a good shot. I will aim again at the one who has been damaged and healed Okay

So first attack against them is 21 to hit So again because it's been hurt it's 2d8 Those are gorgeous dice by the way 56 thanks Some of these are from my friend Ken

That's only 2 dice, by the way. 56. Thanks. Some of these are from my friend Ken. That's only two and five. Another five. So 12 on that first one against that guy. Okay. And I will try and attack again. Are we boring you, Sam? 25 to hit.

Sorry, Sam. Sorry, I'm so sleepy. How would you like to see the quaggoth time uh i would like the radiant energy from the uh uh the whatever the magic uh arrow to like burn it up and it dies and its face is the last thing and so maybe it's talking about babies just this burning face babies trying to eat ken just this burning face trying to eat Ken dead and then I will use my movement to get the hell

back under that thing for as much cover as possible you're trying to hide right sure I mean yeah can you do it with a bonus action I don't think I have bonus action I'm not going to give you a free hide I hear you I feel you I see you I'm not going to give you a free hide, but I'm just trying to get under there. I hear you. I feel you.

I see you. Can you? I will cast banishment on this fucker. This big guy. Okay. Now that is, he does a saving throw to not get sent to another plane. Correct.

Charisma. I believe 14. Oh, this is connected. Everything shut down. Okay. Yeah. So trying to get on my internet

no it's bride dog 69 you rolled a 9 that is not nearly good enough he is banished now remind listeners you attempt to send one creature that you can see within range to another plane of existence.

The target must succeed on a charisma saving throw or be banished. If the target is native to the plane of existence you're on, you banish the target to a harmless demiplane. That's where he is. While there, the target is incapacitated. The target remains there until the spell ends, at which point the target reappears in the space it left or in the nearest unoccupied space, if that space is occupied. Remind us how long it is. That is one minute. in the space at left or in the nearest unoccupied space if that space is occupied that target that is one minute so we have also known as six turns so we have a minute until that guy comes back we can really decorate this place oh my god

that he formally occupied and just swing your battle axe. No, he just appears somewhere else. I wish. In five turns. Can you determine where he reappears? Because we could put him in one of those cages. No, he definitely will just come back. He'll come back in the same spot. He reappears in the spice he left or the nearest unoccupied space if that space is occupied.

So, yeah. You can't make him appear in an axe. But you can attack that space at the same time you're preparing for him to reappear. Anything else for your turn, Ken? I'm going to hide behind the little rack. Now, can you hide? Is that something you can do? I'm just taking

cover. I mean, I'm not hiding from the sight. Understood. You're going under the table? Taking cover just at the head right here. It's Quaggoth time. Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do right here it's quaggoth time do do do do do do do uh and so wow wow wow wow run brian oh yeah excuse me Oh, yeah? Excuse me.

17 hit. Fuck you up, mister. 17 hit, Brian. Yeah. That's a hit? Yes, it's a hit. Nine points of slashing damage, and then he does it again. 10 to hit.

That's a miss, right? He misses you with this other adam sandler is an old lady apparently a quaggoth is fighting towley no you're a towel yeah uh this guy is he done turns towards yeah well fuck him yeah that's right that's what I'm saying

Mordecai you're kind of a sassy that's not Mordecai oh that's not I'm too sorry this is little Stevie oh hi little Stevie hi

were you hiding in Mordecai's backpack yeah oh you're a little friend don't confuse me with the little Stephen he sucks no no you're little Stevie no I'm little Stevie you're cool I mean he's acting Mordecai's Backpack? Yeah. Oh, your little friend. Don't confuse me with the little Steven. He sucks.

No, no. You're little Stevie. No, I'm little Stevie. You're cool. I mean, his acting's good, but that band, boy, they're terrible. The E Street Band? Yes, that's the one. You don't care for the E Street Band? No, not a bit.

Really? No. You know, a lot of people think Springsteen's some kind of genius. I prefer Nebraska because those fuckers just shut up on that one. The band's not even on that record. That's right. Little Steven can go fuck himself. This guy is going to turn to you, Brian.

$5,000 ticket. Point both his hands at you and jets of flame smack into your sword, which begins to glow red with heat. Oh! Hey, maybe you could lower your ticket prices if you didn't have

400 guys on stage. Yeah, no shit. I'd like to start introducing the band to you guys. We're going to start with the A's. I'd be... Brian, you're going to take 13 points of fire damage. And...

Let's see. Is there... It's got to be... Is that in a... Fire damage. Fire! I'm going to fuck this guy up so bad. Just because you remind you of Bruce Springsteen? Mm-hmm. I'm going to need a

Constitution saving throw, Brian. Oh, okay. Jessica, I used to do a bit about Bruce Springsteen doing stand-up. That's pretty funny on the bus. You can choose to drop the sword or never. Okay.

14. You managed to hold on to it and not lose your grip. Told you. Little Stevie, you're mean, man. Yeah, you're right. Now I'm going to fuck him up. I can't wait, little Stevie. I love your serious XM.

Sure. I can't wait on Stevie. I love your SiriusXM shot. And you know, speaking of SiriusBM, try the Flesha Fish. Blaine, you're up. Try the green chili burger I had yesterday in Santa Fe. Green chili, why do you taste so good?

I'm going to send my uh my duplicate over to this quaggoth that's attacking uh mordecai yeah get him and i'm gonna have my duplicate uh rub against his uh rub against his leg with his tail up because i'm hungry meow meow meow okay uh and i'm going to hit this quaggoth, the closer one, with another Sacred Flay. Okay. That's a dex save. That's a dex save. Looks like another fail.

Love it. A 10. That's a fail, right? That's a total fail. And he takes 11 points of damage. Excellent. Anything else? I'm going to look into this cage again.

Kind of get a closer look as to what might be in that cage i mean you got a pretty good look you're standing right there and okay you'd have to tell me specifically if you're going to do something uh does the the the humanoid look like it's damaged at all looks like it's been tortured a little bit yeah okay all right just check it is it still alive uh you would have to do an insight check can i do an insight check you can stab her with a dagger and check her oil uh uh 12 plus 618 uh the creature whose gender you do not yet know is still alive okay sorry all right that's that's my turn b, you're up. Oh, so the guy right in front of me. Yeah.

I'm going to dual wield on him. Okay. Nice. Hit him first with the battle axe. God damn it. I've rolled almost a five every single time on the battle axe. That's crazy. Here's the big guy.

Oh, yeah. Wow. That thing's stupid. must have five every single time on the battle lines that's crazy here's the big die oh yeah that thing's stupid yeah is it still stupid yeah so now my second attack all right let's see big die oh but i got a 19. That's a hit. It was almost a grip. Yeah. Roll your damage. Oh, so dead flashes like, you know, I think you should leave.

That's not a. Got to say, I'm a huge fan of I think you should leave. That's an it's really funny. Oh, six plus two. fan of I think you should leave that's an inside really funny okay and then you have a second attack you said yeah let's do this so far and then 17 nice that's another hit the bigger the number. So, hack and hack. That big die.

Rip into him. Yeah, yeah. And the tide seems to be turning in your favor. Hack and hack. We'll have to find out what happens and whether the lump in the cage comes to life on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Oh, lumpy. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened? Hi, everyone.

We're at level seven. What is that out of? Ten? A hundred? Is this good? When does this end? We we're in battle who are we battling again we defeated dwindling so i don't know they're chanting souls for babies so i hate them let's kill them ah they're quaggots thanks blaine braining brian and chris attacked and killed the quaggoth blaine duplicated then attacked the other quaggoth finally we met little stevie and disparaged the e-street band which is perfect timing as i'm gonna see springsteen this thursday at the forum i've told you i've come

around right yeah i have a whole new bit about how i called jerry duggan and apologized like i was a 12 stepping really yeah you made amends i totally made i hey, man, I just listened to Nebraska and I'm fucking wrong. I disagree, but go ahead. I loved it. I've been listening to it a lot lately. It's fucking good. I wish somebody would have

sat me down 30 years ago. It really was the band. You just don't care for the e street band but they're so good yeah and the live clearance as a kid i just couldn't take you weren't a big saxophone guy no and it's just also the i don't like anybody who's having more fun than me sure yeah they should look miserable on stage like they seem like they're having way too good of a time and most of my bands like metallic has never done that no you know never see shana yeah the bands i

like are always just like we don't want to be here yeah and clarence clemons is like look at me i'm having so much fun yeah fuck you i think that's part of the problem no that tracks and like i like old ska but like the young ska was too much fun sure you know there's things you hate the go-go's no i love the go-go's is adorable they're having a blast they are yes when they're all water skiing in that pyramid yeah i make my own rules all right she's all right yes she was uh you know i saw like some stuff little Steven he produced Darlene loves album and I saw her he played with her and her band at the Whiskey a go-go yeah I saw it on my favorite yeah yeah it was it was great I'm sure he's great I'm just fucking around partially but I'm trying to work on bits about the band.

What are you plugging, man? You think? Sure. I mean, I think this will come out before I'm in Seattle. See me at the Upper Left Comedy Festival. Be a good time doing three or four shows there. But let me

do some real... Seattle's a fucking fun city. It was just there. I'm done. I've got some tour dates coming up. I'll be in Norfolk, Nebraska. But they're almost sold out that next week with Johnny Taylor.

And then at the end of the month, I'll be in Arlington at the Arlington Drafthouse with Johnny. And that weekend, you can see us fucking around on the Exorcist stairs in D.C. Because I do it every trip. I fell down. There was a guy running up the Exorcist stairs the last time I was there. Rocky? Yeah, pretty much.

You got the wrong movie. But, I mean, it's super steep. Yeah. I couldn't do that. The gentleman was in good shape. And then comic books, BrianBestain.com, all that. Blame. We attribute the success to save mankind for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof well

on the next nerd poker ken wins 2.5 billion dollars in the powerball and uses the money to eliminate cancer and world hunger then lives at lives at Disneyland for the rest of his life. All this, and Ken wakes up screaming at six flags on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box

16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.