Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 12

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

Wow so the torture chamber really IS a place where people could lose a limb? Our mountainy crew cuts through a wave of quaggoth and takes a peek at a cage with what may be a surviving captive. Probably a friend. Probably no more waves of quaggoth. Probablies! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course, our kick-ass DM, Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Persand and you're listening to... Does that surprise you? I like to do a take every time to see if I can distract you. Does that surprise you? I like to do a take every time to see if I can distract you. It's episode 12 of the Mountain Campaign.

And it's a weird one. I don't know. You're not. No. Never mind. It's not weird at all. Chris is here. Hi, buddy.

God damn. Is it weird? What's going on? It's not? No. Oh, well, it's here. Oh. Oh, hey.

Hi. That was weird. No, it's not weird. Ken's here? No. Oh, well, uh... Blake's here. Oh. Oh, hey, hi. That was weird. No, it's not weird. Ken's here. What is going on? Everything is weird. There's nothing going on. Dan, tell him. It's weird.

Um, I want to, but I just got this weird feeling. No, there's nothing weird. Tell him, Sam. Hello, weird children. God damn it. Uh, everybody's here except for sarah remember her thank you thanks some people i will here they come thank you patreon supporters if you're at our top two tiers on patreon you get thanked right

in the air some of you have usernames like tis staff thank you to staff thank you george griparis thank you thank you metal mac the battle bard thank you thank you the fat baker thank you vortispin thank you voodoo beef thank you schmank you thank youoodoo Beef. Thank you, Schmank You. Thank you, Vironic Hero. Thank you, Morty Mortensen. Thank you. Thank you, Nom Nom the Con. And finally, thank you, Steaming Cup O' Nut Wet. Now with double the orcas

chunks. Oh no! Nut Wet! The bling who is that brought to us is Bize. Brought to us by Dog Balls. Lick em, drag them on the carpet, hump a leg, or just cut them off. Nothing beats dog balls. Dog balls now available in cat.

Dan. Billy came in for that one. Someone said dog balls. I've been looking for those. As was hinted last episode, we are recording these back to back, and so my throat is still weird. And Brian, would you like to do what you did last time and repeat everything I say? Yes.

It's time to talk about what happened last time. It's time to talk about what happened last time. On Nerd Poker. On Nerd Poker. Our crew went into the torture chamber and snuck around for a while. Our crew went into the torture chamber and snuck around for a while. Our crew went into the torture chamber and snuck around for a while. Eventually, they were spotted. Eventually, they were spotted.

Pish posh. Pish posh. Tried to fake them out. Tried to fake them out. It didn't work. Didn't work. The squirrel guy. The squirrel guy.

Shot an arrow at the bear guy. Shot an arrow at the bear guy. There was blood everywhere. Blood everywhere. At one point, the cat. Shot an arrow at the bear guy. There was blood everywhere. Blood everywhere. At one point, the cat... At one point, the cat... Noticed a crumpled humanoid. Crumpled a human...

Noticed a crumpled humanoid. Form. Form. In a cage. In a cage. One of the bear people got banished. Yeah. One of the bear people got banished.

Yeah, we take it in with that. Let's do it. So, we got to the bottom of the turn order. Chris, you're up. Great. I'm going to fire my dragon wing bow at the one I guess that

Black has been used his sacred flame on. Great. So I will try and hit that guy. First one is a 21 to hit. That a hit and he's already taken damage correct that's so true great okay so it's going to be 2d8 and a d6 i'm going to add five to this uh six and two uh eight and four twelve plus five seventeen radiant damage to that guy oh my goodness okay okay squirrel with a crossbow i know i know i'll fire a second time this is the room where they hung the dj uh it's a 17

that is it Take a bow. So I can only do the Colossus Slayer once, so it's only now 1d8 and d6, adding 5 to this. So 510 total damage. I love that your attacks are basically powered by different versions of Whimsy. Kind of, yeah. It's just different. But that, yeah, you're just spilling them full of arrows. Great.

And then I will... That guy's in rough shape. Okay. So I will stay sort of whatever I am obscured underneath the bowl, I guess. Ken, you're up. Pop up and do some damage on this guy right here. Let's see what I do.

I will... For Juniper! For Juniper, I will spray some cards at it. Okay. That is a stick saving throw. Show everybody the back of the deck. Twelve. Fourteen. Sorry.

Oh! Okay. Here we go damage cards coming out here come the cards here comes the damage 16 points of damage to this guy yeah how would you like to see them die I say pick a card motherfucker and then I say wrong card what card, motherfucker. And then I say, wrong card.

What? It was... Oh. Nope. Bye. Anything else for your turn? I'm coming around here. Cool. Alright. Get an angle on this. Next, we have

the Quaggoths. So so big big is still banished for i have four more turns this guy over here he doesn't feel great about what's happening um so he does he apologize no he turns around and he runs i have opportunity to attack sure do so i'm gonna use it please do just roll uh roll roll an attack your choice really of the two uh 16. that's a hit cool uh four okay oh i get do I get two on opportunity? Nope. If I'm double attack? Just the one.

Okay. Sorry. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. You're basically getting a swipe as they run away from you. Right. Even though I normally two weapon fight. Okay.

So he gets this far because he's dashing. Can I shoot a crossbow at him? When it's your turn, maybe. Wayne, you're up. I'm going to hit that guy with a sacred flame. All right, he's going to dex save. That is a nine. He takes eight points of damage.

Oh, man. All right, well, he's still alive, but he's shrieking as he gets singed badly. But he has actually managed so far to not take a ton of damage. So, he stands. Okay. Anything else? I think that's

it for me right now. I'm just gonna stay... I'm gonna keep the cage between me and that guy. Brian, I'm gonna fly at him and then crossbow. Nice. That's a 30. My crossbow is 80 feet. Great. Roll that attack.

Nope. 11. Afraid not. Damn it. It looked cool. It did. Do I get a second attack on the crossbow? Nope. Does it say two attacks per action?

I get two attacks per action. You're right. Thanks, Curious. Curious. Curious. You guys got my name. 15 a hit. Or 16 a my name. 15 a hit? Or 16 a hit?

That is a hit. Cool. Yay. I like it. That's 15d8. Wait a minute. That crossbow's great. Yeah.

Is that silver? It is now. I like it like that. Oh, nice. 10 like it like that. Oh, nice. Ten. Oh, boy. Yeah, he's looking rough as you just hit him right in the, like, between the shoulder blades.

Uh-huh. Try and grab it. Did it just pop his shoulder? Not yet. Chris? He's the last guy other than disappearing dimension Dave. is right i'm gonna use my movement can i get up towards blep so i get a i want to get a line of sight on the guy running for the door uh five ten how many do you get i have 35 but if i run in all fours i get 40 oh you can get like right on top of Blep or past him.

Yeah, I just want to get up wherever Blep is, I guess, near the crumpled person. I'll fix it. I just want to get a line of sight. There's a lot of stuff in here. Everyone's knocking over. It's pretty funny. We're all trying to help and we're not. This is really the greatest game of all time, though.

I was just thinking that before everything started falling. I'm playing with my toys. All right, so you are now scampered up roll that roll them attack vortex firing the bow um first one is a 28 to hit oh you miss okay uh so and he's already taken damage right oh he sure has And he's already taken damage, right? Oh, he sure has. So,

six and four, eleven, five, sixteen points. He's barely there. I'll shoot him a second time. Do it. Seventeen to hit. That's a hit. Yeah, get it. Little Stevie's back. Fifteen, little Stevie. Oh, gosh. Wait till you meet little Stevie. Fifteen 15. Little Stevie. Oh, gosh. Wait till you meet Little Stevie.

15 points. All right. How would you like to see that quaggoth die? Arrow goes straight through and pins him to the wall. I'll leave his corpse on the map. Stick around, right? You are out of combat. For now, but... We should get ready for this guy to come back yeah yeah

so we may be like i tricked you in a circle kind of all get ready uh well let's see you have four turns get away from times six is 24 right seconds so uh yeah like that's enough where if you want to get in this like around him i think you'll all have enough range yeah i want to be a little far back because i want to hit him with my bow but i bet you some people want to be up close why don't i you all do this i'm not i'm not moving your minis show me where you want to be back in right now he's going to be right here he's going to pop in in 24 seconds so you have enough time basically to do four turns. Let's flank him.

Can I take another look in the cage and see... You keep taking looks. What do you want to do though? We'll see if there's a human in there. We should just take care of this guy first. Okay. We're moments away from rescuing you first!

Maybe Sarah could help us with killing this thing. If she was here. If she were only here. Oh, gosh. If only... Blaine, did you move your... Where do you want to be? I did, yeah.

Okay, because he's not going to be flanked. I just want to be clear. He's playing all my rage. I'm still just a Sarah in a cage. No, flanked you. You have to have two people within five feet of you in melee and right now anyone want to go

or no we all keep our distance okay all right no one's gonna get in closer I'll go in close I'll go 50 50 okay and I'll draw my short swords great and just as you do sure what the hell the giant quaggoth who remember doubled in size and he was already a big big yeah uh pops into existence and it is your turn chris uh All right. Well, I will swing at him with my short swords.

Okay. So plus eight. So it's only a 10. Okay. And then I'll swing with my offhand. That's a 23. Yeah. So has he taken down yet?

Yes. He has. So I can add my Colossus Slayer. You can. Great. So it's a D6 and D and plus five. So six and one. Why did it matter if he's taken damage before?

Because if with my Colossus Slayer ability, if they have taken damage, I get to add an extra D8. If they haven't been hurt yet, I can't. Oh, cool. That's why I have to check. I'm glad I asked. Yeah. Thank you. So seven plus five, 12 can't Oh, cool. That's why I have to check. I'm glad I asked Yeah, thank you. So, 7 plus 5, 12

points. Oh, nice So, you just dig your blade right into them. For Juniper! Ken, you're up Oh, you know what? I have an advantage. I just realized The first one, roll your first attack Let me just see if I actually hit with the first one

Nope Okay, Ken? Web The first one? Roll your first attack. Let me just see if I actually hit with the first one. Nope. Okay, Ken? Webb. Webb, is that a dex check? Yes. Madam Webb? Just pour the shit out of him and he gets up and leaves? God, that was terrible.

Unfortunately, that's 14. Dang it. Well, then I'm just going to kick the dirt. Say shucks. Anything else for your turn? No. Okay. Nothing else I can do.

All right. Checking the rules here. Checking the rules. Checking the rules here. Checking the rules. Checking the rules. All right. He is going to try to grab your head, Dallytail. All right. And lift you off the ground. I'm going to need a strength check, which he has advantage on. So I do a strength check also?

Try to not let him grab your head with his palm. Just a strength check. Copy. 14. He got a crit. So I win? Mm-hmm. Let's see. So this is gonna be

he lifts you off the ground. Then He lifts you off the ground. Then. Lift you up off the ground. He is going. It's such an abstract thing trying to crush someone's head. I think he's going to throw you. All right. So would you say the grab counts as a hit with an attack?

I'm wondering if my multi... No, it was a contested strength check. Okay. There's no advantage or... I'm sorry, what are you asking me? If he had advantage on his check because of being flanking. I don't think so.

This is a contested check, not an attack. Got it. So he doesn't get you very far. Will you do a deck saving throw to try to not land prone? Satan.

Dexterity saving throw to try to not land prone? Dexterity saving throw plus 11. Okay. You are going to land prone, but you're not going to take any damage. Oh, okay. Because he got very low on his check to toss you. He just kind of wanted you out of his face and that'll do it for his turn Blaine Meow

I would like to cast spiritual weapon I create a floating spectral weapon and he is going to make a melee spell attack. Okay. Are you getting within melee range?

I can cast it. It's coming at yeah coming at them that's right so that's a weapon folks uh 16 that's it i think wait hang on no i'm sorry you need a 17 for this guy oh okay yeah the other guys were 13s all right well then i guess i'll just go fuck myself wow could you do that in the other room? Brian, you're up. I'm going to do a wheel on his ass. I'm going to clean your bathroom.

Remember, you got advantage. Yes. Oh, yeah. Advantage on both of these. Wow. So let's see if I beat her 24 on the battle axee. I doubt it. You got 19 there, right? Yeah. Okay, cool.

No, 24 I'll take. So roll your damage on that first attack. Six. That is a miss. But did you roll? Oh, that's it. I misunderstood. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. I got you oh boy that was a silly silly goof on my part oh that looks like a hit

go for that crit if you like crit it crit it oh he did get a crit yeah that's a 25 and it's a crit so roll that damage and double the die you hear that cage person

cage person's wearing headphones 6 plus you double the die so 6 plus 2 8 more points great Chris it's you I will use half my movement

to get back on my feet where am I now would you say I only attacked once right with advantage yeah I thought that was twice I'm sorry I only attacked once right

he did with advantage so I think he'd wait Oh, I thought that was twice. I'm sorry. No, I only attacked once. Go do it again. Yeah, right? Yeah. No. You attacked twice. No, he did with advantage, so I think he'd wait. No, you're right. He did do twice. You did do twice. Remember, you got a 19 on the first one?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got the first attack with six damage. You rolled a 19. You tried to get a crit. Okay. But you stuck with a 19. Yeah. And then you rolled your next attack, and you got an 18. Okay. Oh, wait.

Yeah, so yeah. You did twice. You did twice. You did twice. Double that. I'm now out of melee, right? Correct. Great. You're 10 feet away.

I will use my halfway movement to stand. I will fire with my bow. Not good. Probably 12. That's a miss. One more. 14. uh let's miss damn it all right uh i will maybe move back to the cage and just whisper to the cage person moments away moments away and perhaps i guess already attacked that was my action never mind so i'll just try and just let

them know that we're close. I wonder if the person in the cage has any sort of magical abilities. If only someone woke them up. Perhaps we could ask. We could open the cage, maybe. Alright, so Big Quaggoth is going to turn

to you, Mordecai. Oh, ew. He has the advantage because he is you know, twice the size of that which is very tall. It was a botch so he's going to be glad he got that. 15 hits.

It's a miss, right? Yeah. And that's going to be a 22 to hit. so that's a hit. That's probably a hit. Yeah. Signs point to yes. That'd be 23 points of slashing damage as he cuts across your stomach.

Damn, juicy. I'm going to need to heal. And then... Where did it go? Third attack. 18 to hit. That'll be a hit. And then a... 24 to hit. That'll be a hit. Then a 24 to hit.

That's a hit. 18 more points of slashing damage. Jesus! And he spits in your face whoa I'm gonna do another another one of these weapon things spiritual weapon I wipe my face with my

middle finger oh 16 plus 622 that's it so and this is sorry again you didn't say 16 plus 622. That's a hit. Nice. And this is, sorry. Again. You didn't say, which one is this? I'm sorry. I was looking at my thing. Spiritual weapon.

Got it. 1d8 2d8. Let's see it. Could be a lot. 11. Okay. So he gets torched and cut.

What kind of weapon did you say this is? It's a mace. Great, so he's getting smashed now also. Anything else? It says as a bonus action on your turn, you can move the weapon up to 20 feet. Repeat the attack against a creature within 5 feet. I can't attack him again

with it, can I? I think so. Because you're just going to move it. You can move it basically to the side if you really have to move it, but I think you just get to attack again. 17 plus 6. That's hit. 23. 8 eight another eight

okay he's looking pretty rough ryan you're up cool uh i'm gonna do a wield on him okay do i have advantage nope not, not anymore. I get my spellcasting ability modifier I add to those. Well, you hit with all of them, didn't you? Yeah, so I get another plus six on each one of those. For the damage? For the damage. Oh, shit.

Okay, he's looking real shitty. That's another 12. Sorry. Uh-huh. Continue, Brian. He's still alive. another 12. Okay. Sorry. Uh-huh. Well, continue, Brian. He's still alive. But he got his whole back cut to shreds. And this guy's

like a mega quaggoth? Yes. Okay. Nice. 24. What? Three. How would you like to see him die, Brian? Oh. Let's see. I just

slash at his neck and he goes like that. Flicking his fingers. Yeah, yeah. Just like... flicking his fingers. Yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. What is that? It's just like, psst. The spray.

Sam Raimi. Yeah, Sam Raimi. Yeah, exactly. All right. I've added blood spray. You are genuinely out of combat. And I'm, again, leaving this quagga with your pin to the wall. Yeah, fuck him.

Hey, what's in that cage over there, you guys? Physician, heal me. Should we get in another circle and prepare an attack against the thing in that cage over there, you guys? Position heal me. Should we get in another circle and prepare an attack against the thing in the cage? I see what you're saying. I have eight hit points left. If anybody can heal me, I'd love it. Is anybody else... You're hurt?

Yeah, I'm really bad. You're all hurt? Everybody get over by the cage, and I'm going to do a prayer of healing. Oh, sweet. Including on the thing in the cage. So I get 2d8 plus my spellcasting modifier.

I like it. 11 plus 6. So everybody gets 17 points. Nice. Thank you. Thanks, buddy. 17? Yeah. Including our friend in the cage. You may not be our friend in the cage

you may not be our friend what if it's a bugbear you don't even know so meow you all gain those extra hit points and I just sort of start purring

and licking my hands. Maybe I'll search bodies to see if there's keys. That's something that might unlock any of these different cage torture devices. Is it locked? I don't know. I don't know. By the way, bricks. So you feel a warm sensation as if the damage you took in your battle is

just being whittled away a little bit. Who am I to meet somebody named Briggs, you guys? You peer out from under your arm that was draped over your head and you see a bunch of weirdos walking around. Hello?

Hello. Hi, Briggs. hello hello hi bricks that's not how that works no hey yeah no all the narrator stuff comes over the speakers yeah are you all right little bear uh excuse me you're quite a ragtag crew aren't you we've heard that yeah do you hate that we're not all humans? That's familiar. I reserve the right to make my judgment. Can you get me out of here, please?

What race are you, friend? I'm a half elf, as I'm sure that you can see. I don't know. Which half? Your eyes are very small. Very small. Again, could someone release me from this cage? I'd really appreciate it.

Is it locked? There is a padlock and a door on it. I will search for keys. Can't we just smash it? Do an investigation check. Okay. 20. 20.

4. 8. Four. Eight. Big pop, gentlemen. You know these things return, right? You all digging around. No one killed him. Left finds a ring of iron keys on the big boy's belt. Meow, meow, meow, meow.

You run over and click. Tell everybody what they see, Sarah. You see a very tall Very tall thin almost skeletal looking half elf

looks probably like a monk and she's looking at all of you with judgment in her eyes. Hmm. We just saved you. How about that? Breaking news. Would you like to introduce yourselves?

I do thank you for letting me out of the cage. I'm Deli Tail Sharp Twig, hero of the forest. That's a lot. It's nice to meet you More kind That's less, I like that Bish bash, I'm a sorcerer Okay Meow blep and you're welcome meow

As I said, I do thank you, my name is Brickson. Say that once. Gesundheit. Brickson. Gesundheit. Oh, my goodness. Is that all one name, or is that a first and last?

That's my name, Brickson. Brickson. I'm quite sure that all of you might have a bit of trouble pronouncing it, so I really implore you to please call me Bricks. Bricks aren't flump. No, I believe I said to call me Bricks. You have that small squirrel mouth. Probably has some trouble. Maybe the throat

can't quite pronounce the higher level words. Can I slowly push the cage back closed? But Bricks is fine. That's what I go by. Bricks aren't flump. Do you know Dr. Huffar or Ann Melhap? Can I get a perception check

from everybody, please? A what check, sorry? A perception check. Perception. 18. 12. 23. Okay.

Did you roll, Sarah? Oh, me too. Yeah. I thought'm gonna perceiving something about yeah i'm false bricks please i'm just gonna tell you uh that's a four no so dally tail blep you see very briefly this door go like a little crack and go okay something something's coming hey bar the door can I throw up a detect magic like a hairball there's there's a there's magic auras on the other side of the door

oh okay uh chewy we got company where's that map well we have to go through this room, right? I assume. Should we get ready to fuck up whatever's on the other side of that door?

Maybe we'll spread out. Can I get a dexterity saving throw? Oh my god, already? You're by the cage, right? Yeah. So that's going to be for everybody. A what saving throw?

Dexterity saving throw. Oh yeah. 22. 17. Jesus. 19. Oh, nice. 14.

Okay. 11. Okay. 11. Okay. Okay. Everybody except for Bricks and Dallytail gets to have this. Is it a cake?

A ball of flame shoots into the cage and explodes. The frickity doodle. Through the door. The frickity doodle what? Through the door. The door goes erp and with a dick. 28 points of fire damage

halved for Blaine, Brian, and Ken. And I'm resistant to fire damage. So I get to have it once again. Oh, I think I am too. Oh no, my other character is... I'm going to use my evasion so that I can,

when I'm subjected to an effect, basically I can have it as well if i fail the saving throw which i did okay great hey uh uh you're all rolling initiative now but playing yes you may ask you're having what sorry what was the what am i having oh christ on a cracker does anybody remember is it 23 28 28. 28. okay so i only had seven i have hellish resistance okay 28. Thank you. I have hellish resistance. Okay.

So do you have fire damage? I do. 28 divided by 2 divided by 2. 7. It takes 7 points of fire damage. How long has it been since we vanquished the big quaggish? About 4 minutes.

Oh, okay. So am I. Can I get initiative rolls from everybody, please? Sounds like a puppy. There's not really time for a lot of meta questions at the moment. What are we doing? I'm sorry. Rolling for initiative.

Rolling for initiative. Oh, boy. I'm not ready for that. One second. Okay, yeah, because my I guess my weapon. Rolling for initiative, you said? Rolling for initiative.

20. Brian, is that your puppy? Yeah. I think Melanie's coming in the garage. She's excited. Okay, okay ken you said 20 yes blaine you said eight yes chris what you got 23 lovely sir what'd you get four brian i was real uh shit uh I'm sorry. Eight? Yeah.

I rolled a four and I had a plus four. Okay. Alright. And I'm not resistant to fire damage so I gave myself fire damage again. Thank you for being honest. He mumbled. Chris, you're up once again. I guess I will

charge up to... I'm going to go to the far side, I guess, from where I'm sitting south of this other cage. Not the one that Bricks was in, but the other one. Just to sort of get away from any kind of line of sight.

Yeah. And then I'm going to hold an action and my action is attacking with my bow. And it's, if I see anything appear through that door. Okay. Noted up next. Ken door is open or door is closed.

It's open a crack. I'm going to acid splash in there. Do an insight check. Five. Yeah, it might work. five yeah it might work just to be clear you're looking at a door yeah it's open there's maybe half an inch of oh that you can see i was looking there's there's like six inches if you were to go over this way got it but um that's not the best choice though no um

sarah what did you do she has her rage fits sometimes really turn everyone against me this new character i'm getting a puppy now i feel like come on it's really rubbed the group the wrong way she's super sensitive i'm gonna try to hold the door closed okay so five ten for the record i was nowhere near the puppy when this occurred yeah you can get right up to it okay chris is just an asshole this is you that wasn't the puppy i sat on my balls wrong you can shove it i'm gonna show and you're leaving your hands against it? Yeah, en France. Great. En France.

Going full Hodor on us. Okay. And so now I'm going to need you to do a strength check. I don't know if I'm very strong. You think I would be? You think I am very strong. You think I would be? You think I am very strong. We're not stronger than we think we are. That's a 16 of strong.

Different situations. Well, Stevie, you were so positive. Thank you. All right, so they got... You said a 16? A 16. They got a 9, so... All problems. You have this...

Against the door. Nice try, shithead. And then you... Feel another one. Oh. Do I need to do another? Yes, please. Another shithead.

That's a six. That's a 12. Can I get a dexterity savings roll, please? C'est alors. Arrase-vous, Delore. Throwback bottle of beer. Alright, so you managed to slide backwards 10 feet and not trip

over yourself and fall back. Confirmed. Door gets kicked open. Who is it? Is it Kramer? Is it Angel? Your mystery date. Are you ready for your mystery date? Is he a dreamer

or is he a dad? I can't wait. He's a dad. You see this guy looming in the background. This fucking guy. They're different ones. I'm reusing figures. He looks the same as another. Did we just kill your brother? Another one of the big ones that's second guy we they're different ones they're different I'm reusing figures are you did we just kill your brother another one of the big ones that's like a giant uh he's not currently enlarged

okay but those kinds and I've also not revealed everybody yet okay oh say which huh yeah exactly kill him this guy is the one who won the check. Let's see. This guy. And then they have with them. Whole mess of shit coming in. A skeleton and a strange. Oh my God. Translucent being.

So many people. Maybe they're trainees. So many things coming in. It's going to be very funny when I just die. Immediately. The parade of shit coming through the door, y'all. Like no health. Fuck.

Before I even make a joke about the cage being a brick shit, shit brick house. Sorry. Sam, can you edit that out, please? Absolutely not. You totally pre-hubbed that one. I totally pre-hubbed that one. En France.

Oh, one sec, one sec. Love that pre-hub that one oh for all oh what's that love that pre-haul anybody got a heal potion I assume you've seen the Miss Universe yelling for the bronze you haven't? I thought everyone had seen that no I know what's just displays a misogyny like a

I didn't see it in the actual broadcast I don't even know if it's Miss Universe that's not what I was memeing myself i just was speaking a language that apparently is too difficult for you to handle it's not what i said not even close not even close so really a man called pish posh should not be throwing name stones is that your last name or is that all one name? For your purposes, my name is Bricks. Right, but I'm just saying.

I think we should end it there because it's very clear to me what you as a group are capable of and what you're not. I just want your next character as a little bit nicer. My last character was very nice and look where it got me. Yeah, we liked her so much.

Where? Alphonse. My last character was very nice, and look where it got me. Yeah, we liked her so much. Where? All for us. Ken is just wailing on you. All right, so... Is he really? Is his character really saying that, making fun of my name while this is happening? No, that is too much meta for me to process. Okay, good.

Seems about to. The skeleton misses. This guy kind of jumps over his friend and starts slashing it yeah stop it everybody am i dead yet that's good maybe he'd kill himself and the guy maybe kills everybody around him there's a guest star in the episode hi Licky she's a recent winner of the best dog ever award because she puts up with so much shit with the puppy and she lost a best friend at Christmas

so she was sad and then she had to deal with she's 11 and there's a puppy in the house story of my life that's that's a tie oh I guess that is a tie yeah Redstone's like hot garbage but she's the best

uh four points of slashing damage at least it's hot that's from the skeleton and then this thing oh you know Dan I had a held attack for sons of bitches jumping through the door uh yes please

by all means who is first through the first one is a skeleton okay thank you I got distracted by just occurred to me there's a lot going on uh there's so much going on right now uh that is a 16 to hit that is a hit um and is it damaged

it not yet okay That is a 16 to hit. That is a hit. And is it damaged? Not yet. Okay. 13, 5, 18. How would you like to see the skeleton die? Fall apart like Mr. Bojangles. Clank, clank, clank. Explodes backwards into a pile of bones.

Is that how a phone sounds? All right. And thank you for that, sir. He also missed his attack, so I don't have to retcon any damage on Pish Posh. But that is the baddie bads. Blaine, you're're up I am going to so who's out the

new Quaggoth and who's the other guy there's that guy the skeleton's down there is this Quaggoth this Quaggoth this Quaggoth and there was a being here that disappeared

you get a Quaggoth. You get a quaggoth. I'm going to fire up another spiritual weapon. Okay. And 18 to hit on the lead guy. That's a hit. I like you.

12 plus 6, 18. Alright. 12 plus 6, 18. Alright. Smacked for 18 points of damage. Meow. I'm going to move back here a little bit so that there's a cage

between me and these guys. Sick. And that's it. Brian, you're up. This is such a similar turn order as we yeah uh reminder again if anybody wants to throw a brother a healing uh if

somebody attacks me I'm fucked you must have some potions I thought I did but then I don't have anything written down on this I know you guys have used some already I can't I know for a fact i have at least well you printed up a new yeah because we all got i think two regular and then two superior healings right yes yeah so you should have i don't know how many views i would have all four what if you have your old character sheet? Not here, no.

Okay. I can say I know for a fact I have at least one. The superior. Alright, I'll use that. Okay. Great. And that I think was 8d4 plus 8. Is that right for superior?

I'm going to look it up. I'm pretty sure you're right. Superior is, yes, 8d4 plus 8. Jesus, that's crazy. It'll show up at a house. Good to have. Rolling a little pyramid on his board.

8d4. 8d4. Plus 8. Brix, would you say you're much of a fighter? Be great if a townsperson joined the party. I mean, in the France sense of the word.

Are you a chevalier? Where? Where? Is this the time really for I mean sure where were you born Where are your people Is Brick taking like a fighting stance No she's wearing like soft cloths

Easy moving 32 Alright at 32 points There you go Nice buddy That'll bring you up to 50 That's much better than 18. Yes. Any bonus actions you want to throw around? As your wounds begin to smooth over?

I'll shoot a crossbow at this spring in your steps. And I think I said he gets two attacks for action not to actually but he drinks the potion as a bonus action right yeah that's a bonus action okay yep by all means user user to crossbow okay user to crossbow. Okay. Is a 14 a hit? Which guy? This guy? Yeah. Yes. Okay, cool.

Hey, Willy. Seven. Nice. Funk right in his shoulder 22 yeah yay 6

nice so he's taken a shit load of damage right off the bat taking a shit that do it for you, sir? Yes. Sarah. Yes.

It is time for Rehwan. Bonjour. Ah, ouais. I am going to take, I'm going to use my action to do a wholeness of body. Once per long rest as an action, I am regaining 21 hit points.

Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Nice. And then I'm going to use my movement to get far away and also to look for my stuff. Like, do I see my, like, hand act? Oh. You know, like... Can I get a perception check or no

investigation investigation that's 12 plus something or minus i don't think so it's 13 okay um all you i'll give you options so if you're moving far away, you'd be here. Right now, you see there is a table here that's got a bunch of stuff under it. There is a chest next to this chair over here. Yes. And there's just like random piles and a golden bowl in the corner. I'm going to go for the chest. I have 45 feet of movement on my turn.

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40. Oh, perfect. You can go right there. Right up to the chest. I can't see it from here, but I imagine it's right there. And then do you still have an action left? No, my action was using the fullness of body.

All right. Well, we'll have to find out how this benefits everyone on the next episode nerding coquery can I just say I'm fucking having so much fun playing live again and this campaign is super fun so thanks Dan yeah my pleasure and thanks

listeners for Patreon people for supporting us and letting us do this what happened Sam And thanks listeners for Patreon people for supporting us and letting us do this. What happened, Sam? All right. Episode 12. We're still in battle with these two. 20 minutes in, still battling.

Brian killed a quaggoth. We're letting our new friend out of a cage. She's a very skinny monk with a judgmental attitude problem. 30 minutes in, still battling. Sarah kicked a puppy. We're fighting a skeleton. That's fun and spooky. Oh, Chris killed the skeleton. 40 minutes in, still

battling. Bye. Wow, guys. Yeah, you guys are in a real marathon fight. Judgmental attitude problem or judgmental attitude solution? If you're in Los Angeles, I'm going to be running my hour at the Glendale room

in Glendale. My friends Katie McVeigh and Lisa Wallen will be doing sets. Come on by. Look at my dates on BrianPassane.com or follow me on social media.

I'm all over the country. Arlington. I've got so much good shit coming up in the summer. I'm going to new Orleans. I haven't been there fucking forever. Uh, and I can't wait to eat a third of what I want,

but, uh, but I'm looking forward to that. So Brian, say no comp for those dates. And then I've got, um, Oh,

a Netflix is a joke show here in LA I want everybody to come to that if you're in LA but the date is in May 2nd or 3rd Sunday of May but that's also on BrianPassin.com and all my comic books people are already asking about

developing rifters and it's not even out yet it's so even out yet. It's so fucking crazy, this shit. People are talking about Rifters and Grommets. So check those out through Image. Rifters is ongoing, so we're going to be doing it for a while. And Grommets is going to be a couple of specials,

or six-issue series broken up a couple of times. At any rate, that's me. Blaine, do you want to tell us what's happening next week? We attribute the success to mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof?

On the next NerdPoker, Dan and Sarah and Sam all find parking at three different Trader Joe's. What are the odds? Sam seriously can't believe they all found parking at Trader Joe's. He usually parks at the bank and makes it quick. All this and Sam gets towed. On the next Nerd Poker.

On the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker. And you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069. Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.