Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 13

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

The torture chamber has exploded in flame, and the crew now faces wave 2 of the quaggoth qreeps. There's the usual lackeys, another giant one, and now a floaty one with a staff. And uh, nobody has rested since the last wave. Some people definitely die this episode, but we can't promise whether they're NPCs or now. RIP Sarah's new monk?? For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. What up, this is Brown Fossain's Nerd Poker, this is the Mountain Campaign episode 13, always sponsored by Sierra Mist, enjoy. Thanks buddy. episode 13 always sponsored by Sierra mist enjoy thanks buddy roads were saying everybody my friends are here we're down Sarah she just got that new character and then she couldn't make it this week while we're recording

live back at my house. But Chris is here. Hi. Hey, pal. Well, you guys, this is an opportunity for us to just take out Sarah's character and for her to return with another new character. You can do that. Cool. She listens to this. I mean, never mind.

Ken's here. Hello, Brian. Hey, pal. How did we do? I'm good man Good Lane is here Hey Braun How you doing there hon? I'm good hon

We were talking about Baltimore earlier That's why He went into that Dan Hey pal Hi How you doing? I'm alright

Just getting ready to play Looks good Does it? More fucking asshole wolves for us to kill. Yeah, we finally got the real minis for everybody. There's a bunch of them. So many minis. Running the boards, as always. Our man, Sam's here, everybody. Hello, sweet children. Hey, man, how are you? I'm good. How's that sweet dog? He's real fat. Bring him. Would he not like... No, he would love it. Oh, would he? Yeah, I'll bring him next time. Oh, yay.

Never met Ramen in person. Ramen's a person or in dogging? In the fur. Nice. L likes company and uh will he will be uh weird because she's a puppy uh let's uh thank some people huh sure i would like to thank excuse me patreon supporters who go by usernames like mailbox money thank you mailbox money thank you trash ghost thank you the southern dandy thank you aiden the s is silent gervais uh no that's it that can't possibly be an s thank you tortilla the hun thank you jesse thank you half-lit moon of the newport moons thank you parma john it's got to be a

philadelphia reference for baltimore whatever totally kenneth ken kennard thank you thank you you're welcome but mr roboto was my father thank you jonathan meyer thank you millennium falcor thank you lz valis and finally thank, thank you Sir Richard's Infected Hand. Blaine, who were the supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by Cottage Cheese on a Stick. Large curd, small curd. Garlic and chives.

Move over, hot dogs. There's a new thing on a stick. Cottage Cheese. Cottage Cheese on a stick. And farts. Get their attention with farts. Dan. Thanks, Blaine. And double thank you for not doing that in the speak and spell voice.

You look quite political. It's time to talk about what happened the last time on Nerd Poker. Our heroes have been ascending the mountain in the hopes of, I guess, stealing dragon eggs or something. There are a few segments of the mountain ahead of them, yet they are currently working their way through a torture chamber full of quaggots. And it's going real good. Everybody's got a ton of hit points. Nothing bad has happened. J.K. LOL. What is actually happening is everybody killed, I think it was four quaggots there was a brief

break where they freed their new friend bricks a monk of a similar order it appears as their deceased friend juniper sharp and then more quaggots showed up launching a fireball at everybody and then doing a bunch of dickhead stuff we now take you to dickhead stuff already in progress all right so up at the top of the turn order i have sharp twig dally tail dally tail sharp twig um can you no refresh where exactly we're sort of at the cusp of this door right yes and i did take photographs and rearrange everybody where they were. Nice. And I actually do need to move them up. So you are, I'll try and paint the scene for listeners too as I show you. Like that's you.

There are some cages in the center, two big boxy ones and then two smaller tortury ones. There's some racks near where you guys came in on the far end of the room where you're moving away from. On one side of the room there is what looks like a chair with a treasure chest, some braziers,

a suit of armor, a Catherine wheel, fun reference, but a torturing Catherine wheel. And there's some flaying things by the door everybody's piling out of on the opposite end from where you entered everyone's just piling out of a door and Pish Posh is

like right in their face on the other side side of the room there is a blacksmith's oh my god I can't pull the word forge thank you and then bellows and then what looks like a bunch of tools on a table. And I guess this corner, you can kind of see what looks like an Iron Maiden. Nice.

Excellent. Thank you, Dan. That was great. Helmet for leather! So I see there's two Quaggoths basically in the room. One of them seems to be more engaging. Is that more engaging? Pishposh?

Yeah, and you've killed... There's corpses everywhere from the ones you've there's a skeleton you smash there's a quaggoth right here next to the door they're piling out of that you guys like pinned against the wall um the other one that's not engaged with uh pish posh has what has that one been white at all um great question well you know what oh someone's hairpping hello oh secret I hadn't saw that already I farted I noticed I'd like to use my dragon wing longbow and fire

at that the front guy's been hurt but the other guy has not okay so I guess I'm firing then at the other guy because I want to stay clear of shooting my friend Pish Posh all right so it's only a 13 Dan because I want to stay clear of shooting my friend Pish Posh. Oh, shoot me. All right. It's only a 13, Dan.

Okay. I assume that's... Yeah, sorry. I am still waiting for the internet to catch up to me. That's a hit. 13 is a hit. Oh, sweet. Doggity-doo. All right.

So because that one hasn't been hit, I can't do the colossus layer but i can do my regular bow so i get to d86 uh one and five plus five so 11 points to that guy and i will fire my bow at them a second time cool oh geez that's a 12 I'm rolling terribly is that a 12? was that a 12 to hit or was that 12 damage? 12 to hit

no that's a miss you needed a 13 to hit what was the damage on that first one? it was 11 thank you for remembering okay anything else for you? you can use your movement yeah i do how much there are these two cages in the room what's the ceiling height like do those things go up to the

ceiling or is there actually no there's ceiling above them there's i would say it goes like about this high in there like there's more braziers hanging off of the ceiling so was that like 50 feet all right 40 50 so i'm going to use my because I am squirrel folk I can climb as well as walk and I would like to use my climbing speed to go up the

back so like I'm sort of yeah and then maybe there to the top so I'm on top and I have like hopefully a better view especially for sons of bitches coming through the door. You do. You've got a much better view, actually. And I will, yeah, I will shout to the room.

There's more! Excuse me. There's more! Oh, no! There's more coming! The acorns exited your mouth pouch at the wrong moment. Ken, you're up. I'm going to spray these

fucks with web. Ew. What is that, a dex saving throw? Yeah, dude, it's a 14 save. You must whip it. That'd be a 15. How dare they both of them uh one sec it's 20 foot spray and that is a seven yay one of them gets okay so he is restrained nice'll get the closer one. And embarrassed.

Right? I'll say. Covered in pish posh web. Yep. Do you think we'll see a little Stevie again, Brian? I don't know. Huh. I guess we can dream.

Who could tell? What? Paul? Wait a minute. You were great in Lilyhammer. Alright. So that'll do it for your turn, I believe. Can I, since he's restrained,

can I move away? This one. Oh, that one? This is the guy who made it. Oh. Never mind then. Alright. Sorry. I should have flipped it faster.

A bit good. I'm trying to find status rings that say this ring. I'm failing. Apologies for the noise and the distraction. Can I disengage? It doesn't matter really. I think you already cast a spell.

I'm going to use stunned on him. We'll just remember that he's restrained okay and that'll do it for your turn here comes the assholes my favorite Primus song here comes the assholes so for web

is it the end of his turn he makes a let me check it is so hard to concentrate one hour yeah dexterity saving throw each creature that starts its turn in the webs or that enters them during its

turn must make a dexterity saving okay so they're both gonna make it but he's restrained yeah I guess he could potentially walk into it. I don't know. Okay, so I'm looking the rules up because now I'm a little... It's 20 feet. Right, it's on the ground too.

So it could fuck him up if he walks into it. So they could get restrained again. Creature restrained by the webs can use its action to make a strength. That's what I'm trying to figure out. Okay, so first of all, the guy you've got already is going to try to break free. He'll try to break free.

And what is your spell save, DC? That's a good question. Thanks, I thought about it. 14. 14? I rolled a at least a 15. I don't know what his bonus is he rolled a 15 so i'm afraid that was a it doesn't look like a deck plus three this is 18 either way so he breaks free uses his

turn yeah okay um so he can't really do his action i should say god he can't do much well that's a terrible spell i mean it's a squishy ground under him now. They're sticky. So now they're both going to start clawing at you. The amount of farting happening in this room right now. What? There's a miss.

He's ripping him. I think Dan is saying Get their attention with farts 21 to hit I think that is going to be that's a hit oh little sassy little salty

that's a fucking hit oh it's going to be 8 points of slashing damage how are you doing Dan not great 8 points of slashing damage. How are you doing, Dan? How are you doing, Ken? I'm not great.

I'm okay. This guy's coming out. It's not over yet. This guy's coming out. I'm coming out. We gotta support these guys. Even though they're our enemies, we have to support them. He starts attacking. Is that a 19 to hit.

Oh, shit. So, four points of slashing damage, and then a 19 to hit. I think so. And then another 8 points. So 12 total points of slashing damage from the next guy.

Big Asshole comes out and... That's his name? Yeah, his name is Big Asshole. I'm Big Asshole. I like everything big and asshole. He's formerly known as Goatsy is Big Asshole. I'm Big Asshole. I like everything big and asshole. He's a artist formerly known as Goatsy. Big Asshole Car. He does the same thing the other guy did.

He flexes. And he just doubles in size. And he shits all over the floor. This guy goes right up to the door and he starts to float. I hate these guys. Float is fun fun that's kind of fun i hate them float like rose bowl parade float like no like hovering off the ground oh okay

the door goes up i'm sorry ice cream does the door go that high uh he what the frick no you can't see this yet but trust me stuff he's doing a thing so but we can hear the sound of yeah well and then he swoops in floating and swooping this guy yeah hello this guy floats and swoops why did i put a fun room together? Why did I make this choice? There's so much stuff going on here. Jesus Christ.

Piling out. I'm right in the middle of it. I know. You're in some shit. Oh my God. I'll be dead so they won't be able to attack me. Someone get a photo of this from your perspective. From my perspective, it's funny, but you can see their faces with the blood smeared all over their white fur and I gotta think

that looks even better. Blaine, you're up. A floating guy too. Jesus. So the floating guy is in the room? He sure is. I'm gonna hit him with... He flew like through the doorway. I'm gonna hit him with a...

Well, who's really close to Ken right now? Well, these two went to college with him. Yeah, so... Right now there are kind of three guys right in his face. One has two swords. One has two swords and then the other two

have been clawing at him. I'm going to... Whichever one is closest to him, I'm going to uh whatever whichever one is closest to him i'm going to hit with a sacred flame okay and that's a dexterity save for him 10 plus 11 okay so 2d8 uh eight points on that guy. Alright, so cook him with some holy white flame. Oh, does that mean the web lights up fire?

No, because this is radiant flame. Okay, yeah. So it's more like holy fire than like fire fire. Yeah, I checked. It doesn't catch. There we go. God damn. Anything else, Blaine? I think that's it.

I'm just going to stay on my cat feet. Brian, you're up. Yeah. Yeah. Your turn. Let's do it. He thinks he's Blaine. Where am I?

We're Freaky Friday. I'm going to fire a crossbow at Big Asshole. Okay. Crossbow at Big Asshole. Roll to crossbow Big Asshole. Wasn't that a John Ford movie? Come back, Big Asshole. 18.

Nice. That is destructive. I hope this guy's about to be equaled seven some very curious pointy damage like a rabbi yeah all right so stab them Yeah. All right. So stab. You get him with a crossbow bolt. Damage. Yeah. And you're going to move, you can do anything else with your turn. So I'm going to fire again. Okay. 17.

That's a hit. Cool. Nice. Come on, come on. Yeah. Yeah. Five on. Yeah. Five pointy damage. Nice.

Five pointy damage. That big asshole? Yep. Anything else for your turn, sir? No, that'll do it. Okay. Got some fishers. Up next is Sarah. Bricks is over here by the chairs.

All France. All France. And let's see. She is a monk. Who's all about melee. But right now. who's all about melee. But right now, she's gonna throw a hand axe at the guy who just got sacred flamed.

Nice. You go, Bricks. Yeah. I'm frosting up. 21 hits. Six plus ten points of blood

spray out of its neck as it gets just like right in the throat. It's looking really bad. For a big asshole? This is the guy sort of over here who everyone's been sort of trying

to pick down the health of despair yeah i mean i entangled him for a bit yeah you did some things ken it's just it was turn order it was just you had no control play this game anymore it's so disappointing sometimes all right. So she gets another attack. But she I think just has the one hand axe. She's not standing next to a bunch of tools?

Hey, I'm right here. I'm sorry, Mr. Tools. Unfortunately, no. There is a table full of tools over here. That's over there. That, there is a table full of tools over here. That's over there, okay. Yes, that is there for a reason. So she is... going to... two ladies...

run over here, try and keep some cover. And then... here. Try and keep some cover. Then yeah, she kind of needs everybody to break apart. Otherwise if she goes in there, well, that's not true. She's only going to hurt me. She's going to go

in there and try to punch this guy to death. Fuck it. Yeah. Punch a man to death. A white bear hyena man. So actually that's 18 hits. It's a hit.

Hey! She punches it right where that axe was. The axe pops out of its neck and just like right into the palm of her hand and then she takes the hand with the axe pops out of its neck just like right into the palm of her hand and then she takes the hand with the axe and just like

pops its head and it just kind of its head kind of goes like like bouncing as the spine part of its neck snaps nicely done great job Sarah Sarah is it dead

is it dead? Is it dead? Ish. Dead-ish. I bet you they'll turn coward and run. Up next is Chris. Um. I guess I want to fire at whichever next one is most endangering. Pish Posh.

Pish Posh is in pretty deep shit. I would say it's between the guy with two swords and the other guy who's been clawing him. Those are the two who are in melee range of him right now. Awesome. Have either of them been hurt? Yes. The guy who's been clawing. I will shoot at Mr. Johnny Claws.

You got it. Shoot to Johnny Claws. That is... Ooh, a 28 to hit. Yeah, get him. Okay, so that's the Colossus Slayer. Okay, so that's a 1, 3, 5...

So that's 8 and another 5. It's 13 to hit, or 13 points of damage. And then I get to fire one more, and if he's still up, I will return to Mr. Claus. That is...

No one knows. Oh, Jesus, I'm like, that's sideways. That's a 22 to hit. So, no Colossus Slayer on this one. One, four, five, ten points. All right. Doesn't kill him, but you're really, you know, doing some heavy damage. Cool.

And then using my movement, I'm going to. And then using my movement, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to hold a move, not an action, which I've already used, but I want to hold a move. And I'm going to move. If somebody starts, one of the bad guys starts coming at me on top of the cage I'm going to hold a move which is to use my climbing to go down the back and get some distance okay that's just if somebody comes okay got it so

you're not moving now no it's you know it's like instead of holding an attack I'm holding a move cool all right then he will roll to scamper. Ken, you're up. I'm going to cast an old-fashioned fireball at these fucks.

Okay. Wow. So you're going to cast it back here, I take it? What is the width, the radius, if you will? I believe it's a 20-foot radius, so it's a 40 diameter you you would want to hit it like all the way over here behind everybody sure otherwise you

would be nuking yourself well bricks yeah yeah okay you don't want to do that no no i'm going to help you this is a surgical strike the world's kindest dungeon master. Saving that. So it's a dex for everybody. So that is... Dex is all around me. Sorry. My motorcycle! Really bad Chipotle.

An eight. An eight. So these two do not exist. A sixteen. Fail. What does he need? 8. So these two do not exist. 16. Fail. What does he need? 18. Holy shit,

that's high. Pish posh! 12. So far all fails we got. One more from the Wiz. Mage. Nobody beats the Wiz. 15. Everybody fails. Roll your damage. You guys see Pish Posh say fuck it or you tell me what

Pish Posh says as everyone gets nuked fuck all y'all it's fair 28 28 points how would you like to see this guy get fried who just took the two bolts to the neck or the two arrows to the neck

turn black then gray, then fall to ash. Just kind of... Like in a cartoon picture. You guys played Diablo 4? I have. Did you beat it? No. There's some great ash falling apart.

Would you play Diablo 4? Yes. Fun. Elbow drop. Yep. I'm going to drill holes in my dice and make a bracelet, you guys. Cool. Get some elastic string.

That'd be nice. What's that? What the hell is that? I'm going to move... Is that a gun? Sounds like an M-80. Move the corpses off the table because there's so many of them. So many corpses. Do many corpses? Daily Christmas.

There's so much crime disparities being done tonight. Dead, dead, dead. Too many corpses. All right. Anything else? Trying to think of a jury. Was it a race car driver?

Nope. Too many puppies. Nothing much I can do now. Which I disagree with. Alright. There's too many puppies. Can I get a wisdom saving throw from Dallytail? Dallytail?

What? Dallytail's out of danger. Completely safe there on top of the... Shining like a beacon. Okay, so that's a plus two. Fourteen. Alright.

You feel like your whole body begin to shake and you start sweating. All of a sudden your eyes start rolling back in your head um chipotle you look like the rat at the end of uh in the boat in raiders of the lost ark uh you guys all see dallytail like just kind of like lock up and then throw himself oh gosh onto the ground why would he do such a

thing maybe there's an earthquake coming you take three points of bludgeoning damage and then you all see this strange translucent form go the fuck is that check out of his body what the yeah it possessed him and threw him off the top of the cage. What the hell? This game is crazy, you guys. Sam, a ghost just possessed me. No. And then jumped out of it. No. You got a snack at the wrong time, Emily.

It's like a squirrel fart. The guy with the two swords is now going to start stabbing Pish Posh. Uh-oh. No. Shit. That's a crit. Yeah, I'm dead by now. What do I gotta do?

Wait for me to give you the damage verdict. Perfect. That's six points of slashing damage. Ow. Are you still up? Will you hit me again if I say no? He's got one more attack. So here it comes.

Oh, much worse. So it's a seven to hit. So here it comes. Oh, much worse. So it's a seven to hit. So he misses with the second one. Oh, wait, what? Oh, no, I'm not. I accidentally... Let me do this right. Oh, it's one. The first one's

six points of damage. And then how much do you have left now? Hang on a second. You don't know. We're going to find out. It's dramatic. I feel like we have to know this before someone else starts attacking. Ugh, I have to do this. Yeah.

Okay. Still alive. Okay, cool. This guy runs over to you and starts clawing. Oh, well. Thanks goodness for that. I mean, I thought I was going to be left alone for a minute. First one's a miss. Good.

18 a hit. Boop. Dead. Eight points of slashing damage. Are you dead? I'm dead. Not dead, dead. You're unconscious and bleeding. Yeah, I'm going into... He's down. I'm going into death save mode.

Enlargy Boy runs over... It's weird how none of them got stuck in the wet. You know, they were so close to you, it really didn't matter. Son of a... Yeah, I know.

They didn't need to walk anywhere. Right. They're all kind of like going... I killed those guys, though. I killed a hell of a lot of them. That fireball, you took up so much. Why am I talking? I'm dead. Forget it. You have a big personality. I don't like it. Alright, so this is

the big boy is going to start slashing at Bricks. Stop it! That's a 16 to hit. Bricks has a 17 armor class. Here comes the next one. A bocce! Nice! Stabs himself in his asshole.

Yeah, right? Big asshole himself in his asshole. Big asshole in the big asshole. Yeah. He is going to slash and cut his friend. Even better. Stupid. Accidentally hit him for six points of slashing damage. Dumbass.

He goes. Actually, no, because he's enlarged. This is going to hurt even worse. He's a big stupid asshole. Eight points of slashing damage. Yeah. The mage is now going to turn to bricks and you see a little green bubble

go off the top of the quarterstaff and hurdle towards bricks. From this guy up top? Uh-huh. She's going to do a wisdom saving throw. I'm touching him with my middle finger. I say, fuck you. Hey.

You see her go rigid and collapse. Oh, Jesus. She goes, that's the third rail. Ouch. Well, well, well. By the way, you feel yourself regaining, you've regained control of your body again.

It was a temporary loss of control, Dallytales. So just so you know, when this guy exited your body, it meant he lost control. It's like a single turn thing that it can do. Great. Then, I think

we have used up all the dickhead's turns. Blaine, you're up. Oh, I don't think we've used up all the dickhead turns. Oh! I would like to, meow, I would like to cast Polymorph on the floating guy.

Okay. What kind of saving throw are we talking? Saving throw for Polymorph is... a Wisdom saving throw. It's going to be a nine. Okay. Well then uh the floating thing uh turns into a mouse oh any uh i guess he what falls to the floor bricks will wake up okay so that So that happened, and I have a bonus action.

I'm going to meow. I'm going to invoke duplicity. Meow. Okay. And my duplicate is going to run over to Ken. And is going to... I can cast spells through my duplicity.

And I'm going to spare the dying through duplicity. Meow, meow. That's some wonder towards you. You're still at zero hit points, right? So you're stabilized. I am stabilized. That's a great cantrip

to have. That's a great one. We just gotta then pull Ken out from the petrifying giant that then crushes his body somebody needs to step on the mouse maybe I'll do it I would think I hear Sarah's voice in my ear if you kill the thing you

polymorphed doesn't it then turn back into whatever it was? Yeah. Well, if you hit it. Yeah, it's like if you kill it in its polymorph state it doesn't die. It goes back. All you have to do is hit it. If you smack it, it comes back.

Rosan Koban. The target assumes the hit points of its new form. So Mal's probably has what? 50, the hit points of its new form so mouse probably has what 50 60 hit points they have a like cr rating i think of five we'll use this weird little damn it guy as the mouse okay hi mousy i'm uh yeah i might uh hit it with a my mace when i get over there a mouse my mace and then it over there. A mouse mace. Then it will turn back into the guy.

Yeah, but it'll be dead. With your main body, are you moving at all? You're going to stay behind that cage? I'm going to stay behind the cage. Brian, you're up. Okay, cool. I'm going to do crossbows again.

Epic asshole? Yes. At asshole? Yes. Okay. At his fucking face. Oh, no. I can't call a shot. Well, if you crit, I will allow it. Ooh, so close. Oh, 19. 19. Never received a receipt for a bass.

25. So. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Ride. Ah, goddammit. Five. Alright. Hit the big asshole.

18. That is a hit. Come on, big numbers. No whammies. Oh, hey. Oh, my God. My burps are the fucking worst. Oh, shit.

Three. All right, so. Hit it again still standing yeah yeah yeah man polymorph is pretty fucking sick as spells go

I love it alright that does it for your turn then Brian yeah Sarah would now be up she is going to get to her feet yeah the audience applauds as she gets herself to her feet

Sarah told me that she would call this out to everybody she says whatever you do do not do not let them tie you up and start torturing you. They will pull the souls from your bodies. Oh.

For the babies. Souls for the babies. She starts going for this smaller Quaggoth, the only pure claw guy left. And goes punchy punch. She goes, tsh, tsh. That first one's a botch. No. Sarah.

Smile. Oh, it's only an eight. I rolled her attack and I'm not... Oh, you're right. I rolled my 12-sided. Excuse me. That's a six. That's a hit. Good night. There, Kim.

Like a hawk? Eagle? Two hits. Owl? Rabbit? Like an old one. That's a hit. Good night. There, Ken. Like a hawk? Eagle? Two hits. Owl? Rabbit? Like an old one. I don't know. Ken's been to the other side.

He just died and came back. Smashes it twice. I've flown above the table. Sentences are heightened. Smashes it twice for a total of 18 points of damage. Nice. Wow. And then.

Much better than a botch. I know. Thank you for catching that can you have a dead zone and then let's see for her bonus action she is going to use flurry of blows nice do it do it and. That's a hit. Yay. Well, for another six points of damage, just smash. Kill him up on France.

Chris, you're up. Dally tail will, I guess, use half my movement to get to my feet. So if I have half of 35, what is that? 17 that I have. So can I,

if I use 17 feet of movement, can I get back up on top? If I, yes, you'll have two feet. Yeah, you can get right up there. Okay.

Yeah. So I want to climb back up there and get 15 feet. So you got two left over to just kind of scooch around. You can wiggle your tail with those last two feet of movement. I do. To help line up the perfect forest train shot, I'm going to try and shoot the guy that's trying to kill Ken. Is this Claw?

There are two guys trying to kill Ken right now. There's Swordy Guy and Claw Guy. Oh, Jesus. They killed Ken. um there are two guys trying to kill ken right now there's swordy guy and claw guy oh bastards jesus uh they killed ken i'll go for swordy guy okay uh that's a 29 to hit oh i think that's a hit and he's been hit before right he's a fellow who bleeds they've all been hit hit. All right. Three, five. Jeez, such bad rolls. Six and five.

Eleven points of damage. Nice. I mean, that's not that bad. I know, but like a two, a three, and a one. So is he dead? No. Is he dead? This time an 18 to hit.

Nice. That is a hit. Okay. So no Colossus Slayer on this one. Five to hit. Nice. That is a hit. Okay, so no Colossus Slayer on this one. Five, ten. Spicy. He goes, he's not quite dead. He's like staggering now.

Die, you fucks. Careful, friends. A ghost lurks. Ken. Yeah. I believe you're, was it zero or one hit point? I'm zero. Just until I brought myself. and you're still unconscious right

I'm laying there just don't move that's what I'm doing I'm gonna stay dead ish so here comes the assholes I scare me

I'm going to step over your seeming corpse and start slashing at Sarah. If I could speak, I would say leave that alone, you jerk. Oh no. Oh dear.

You should say it, Ken. A crit on Sarah? No, I don't want to. Didn't know. I don't like that at all. I only did roll one, so that was a 510. 13 points of damage for the first one. Oof-da. Oof-da. That stinks.

Sarah is at nine hit points. Boom. It swings again. Be you. Boom. That is going to be a 26 to hit. That's a miss. That's good. Eight points of damage.

It goes down to one hit point for her. Oh, dear. Next, the claw guy is going to attack her. Oh, my God. 12 to hit. That's a miss. And then the second one. 19 hit. That's a hit. Oh, God. We're able to hit the miss. And then the second one.

19 hit. That's a hit. Oh, God. For five points, she goes down. Oh, my God. God damn it. What a mess. The big guy. Maybe there's another character in the other cage.

The big guy runs over to Blep and starts swinging. Runs over to Blep and starts swinging. That is a nine to hit. No. You mean a nine to miss. I'm sorry, no. It's an eleven to miss. He showed you. A twenty to hit?

That's also a hit. Okay. Can you please do a constitution saving throw they have your duplicity on though yeah but it's over at the other thing oh okay it doesn't okay wait is duplicity concentration it is right it's a a bonus action yeah no it's No, it's a type of spell, not an action question. So, because I thought it popped when you did polymorph. Oh. But I could be wrong here.

Five is uh Oh, it's, yeah, it's concentration. Okay, so yeah, that would have turned... It does require concentration. When you polymorphed it, it would have turned off. So you get hit

for... No. Seven points of damage. You okay? Yes. And what was I rolling? Constitution saving throw. Okay. Yes. And what was I rolling? Constitution saving throw. Okay, that was a 16.

Okay, so you managed to keep Polymorph going and then he hits you again or attacks you again. Oh my gosh. Was it seven you said? Huh? Seven. Yeah. Okay. And 14 to hit.

Armor class 13? Yep, that's to hit. Armor class 13? Yep, that's a hit. Much better. That would be a 4 points of damage and another constitution saving throw, please. 20. Alright, you managed to keep Polymorph going. Jeez, nice.

The mouse goes, and runs. We're going to have to put that mouse in a little, very tiny box that's locked so that when it comes to, it's, Lane, you're up.

So I'm going to, so this thing is right in front of me, right? Yeah, like a 16-foot-tall Quaggoth with a sword. Okay. I'm going to... That's big. I'm going to hit him with a... No.

I'm going to do the Sacred Flame on this guy. Little Stevie? Okay. So that's a deck save. Be a 15? Asshole's big. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is a 15 a success? What's your spell save DC? My spell save DC is 14. Alright, so he succeeds on Forge. Okay, so that's what? Just half? I was hoping you'd tell me. Let's see. D, D, D.

D, D, D. Two ladies. No, it's pass, fail on Forge. It's not half. Okay. So, foof. And then, will that do the turn for you? Can I? I have another button. So, foof. Chance. And then, will that do the turn for you?

Can I, I have another bonus action, right? Okay. You tell me. How many bonus actions you got? I have a bonus action. Okay. I'm going to invoke duplicity again. Hey, hey.

All right. And I'm going to have the guy, me come up behind him. Okay. And get down on all fours and I'm going to. If only you still had an action, but you can get behind him. Okay. And get down on all fours and I'm going to... If only you still had an action, but you can get behind him. Yeah, he's going to get behind him. Okay. And when you do that,

of course, the mouse pops and turns back into a quaggoth. Now, I thought I had turned the giant guy into the mouse. The guy that was floating. Yeah, this guy. He's big, but he's...

It's not the big asshole. The guy with the... The caster was floating. The guy who's 16 feet tall is in your face. The guy you're thinking about pushing out. Oh, dear. Brian, you're up.

Alright. Alright. How's he looking? How's the big asshole looking? Pretty rough. He is. Puffy. Red.

And you did see Blab Stubble run behind him. Oh, okay. Oh, to get pushed over it? Mm-hmm. Okay. All right. Oh, okay. To get pushed over? Okay. Alright, well I am gonna attack then. I'm gonna close that distance. So do you want to get right in there? We'll say the bellows are

Yeah, sure. I'm gonna two-hand him. I get two attacks. Wow. It's only your first date and you're already gonna to two. Yeah. Battleaxe goes first. That was a handjob joke. Oh, I got it.

Two hands? Two hands to handjob? That's a hell of a handjob. 17. That is a hit. Nice. Sorry. I have to roll.

1d8. 2. 4. Slashing. Nice. He's looking rough. Kill him. Oh, 19 plus 5.

Kill him. That's him plus 5 kill him kill him kill him this is my Ken please go high please kill him Ken's begging you kill him

oh shit 10 slashing how do you want to see big boy die yeah yeah I want to take his head off

and then throw it at the other guys and go come on they all do like a what take his head off and then throw it at the other guys and go, come on. They all do like a what? Alright. Why would you say that guy has been equaled? Yeah, he's been equaled.

And then you've been equaled. There you go. That's what the people want. Alright. Studio audience applauds and then you hear all of the family and credit music playing. Any more moves? Any more movement for your turn? You got like another ten feet. No. Okay.

And then Sarah will do her death saving throw. That is a botch. That is debatable. Two fails. That's what she did last time. That's exactly what she did last time. And we my God. That's exactly what she did last time. And we'll have to see if she survives on our next episode of Nerd.

But what if I just killed her while she wasn't here? Tee hee. Again. Sam, what do you think happened today? That was a go-pun. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.

Sam's head fell off. All right. We are in battle with skeletons, I want to say. We're fighting alongside our new friend bricks ken killed a bad guy i got up to get a tissue and apparently a ghost through ken off the wall somebody turned his skeleton into a mouse cute chris is talking about bleeding and nobody quoted predators if it's bleed if it bleeds we can kill it ken is dead maybe this game is name is brutal brian killed a skeleton what a rough one they're big yeah okay um dan you got anything you want to plug i'll be doing shows around i think when this pops uh this episode drops i will be doing shows somewhere but i don't have my calendar

for i'll be in la just look for me in la i'm not on the road. I'm not that famous. Is this episode going to pop or drop? It'll drop. Open up shop. Folks, follow me on Instagram. If I have 10,000 followers on Instagram, some clubs might start letting me perform. How about you,

Brian? Oh, I'm a, I'm torn doing my DMX hits. No, I wish. I'll just be doing stand-up. I do have a really fucking cool thing coming if you live in

Denver. I think it's May 21st or 22nd, but look for Brian Poussin.com. It's the first time we're doing it, and we're going to see how it goes, uh geyser butler has a book out from being a metal god only if you if you don't know who geyser butler is maybe you shouldn't be listening to this show or my friend bing him he's that guy he's a legend and i don't even know how i got on this list but i am hosting an

evening with geezer butler in denver at like i think it's called the gothic theater and he's gonna read from his book and i'm gonna ask him questions and my you're gonna watch my nerd head explode while i hang out with geezer butler wow for a fucking night and get paid to do it uh i'm so stoked that's coming up uh and then uh my comic books are so close everything's looking great i'm uh i just saw grommets issue five it's fucking crazy cool it's based on a um a party i had at my grandfather's house that got out of hand and i had to grab his rifle uh and uh and teach some jocks some lessons a lesson in violence um a true story but that's in that's in issue five and six well the i think the party starts in issue

four but because it was a rager. But I'm really proud of this book because it's based on stuff I lived through and it's a love letter to skateboarding and my grandpa and a bunch of other shit. So check out Grommets and Rifters. Rifters

people are digging what they've seen so far. That's the sci-fi time travel police procedural, which we've all been waiting for. A blame. We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof?

Polidex Nerd Poker. Pung Zatoni Phil disappears and time freezes. The Nerd Poker gang has to find him to save the future. Oh, there he is. Oh, listen, where's the DoorDash guy with fat salves? On the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening. And then I talk like this, Brian. Oh no, I can't believe that bridge got hit by a cargo ship. The whole thing collapsed into the bay. That's the only way to get to the ocean.