Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 14

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

The Quaggoth situation is only more and more bloody. Pish Posh is down, and Mordecai is managing a few status issues. And in classic Nerd Poker fashion, one of our crew cannot make it to the episode (Sarah) and that means their character (Brix) gets pushed repeatedly to the brink of death. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course, our kick-ass DM, Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, it's Brian Bussain. Oh, coming in hot. It's episode 14 of the Mountain Campaign. This is not Rotsbosane. This is his dad. All my friends are here, except we're down Sarah again.

I mean, wow. We'll talk about that in a minute. That poor lady and her characters. She wasn't even here last week when we killed her. Spoiler. My friends are here. I'm looking at Wannable. Yeah, what about it?

I wasn't going to talk to you. Oh, shit. He's just looking at Wannable. He drew you out. Fuck. Ken's here, everybody. You're so stupid. Sorry, Ken.

You fell for the classic eye contact. Yeah, what's up with that why would you ever fall for that chris all right guys we were walking a tightrope how are you doing man oh great how are you good love that shirt cool flash gordon oh classic max fun side out yes good stuff oh yeah that's well yeah well Flash is in the background there. Clitus, you look bored. That's a villain. Dan, how are you?

I'm fine. How are you? Weird. I tried to do a slow turn eye contact. I slipped settings. Yeah, that was satanic. That's me. My friend Blaine is here.

Oh, hi, guys. I was just dispatching War Rocket Ajax to bring back his booty. God damn it. Thanks. Music by Queen. Sam's at the end of the table. So great to have him here. Music, my queen! Throw it at me. Sam's at the end of the table. So great to have him here.

Hello, sweet children. This is not a table with you at the end of it. I have something for the group. I was at a show last Sunday at Dynasty Typewriter. I was at Randy Feltface, which is a comedy puppet. And afterwards, a guy came up and gave me 20 for the show this is for grant uh grant is a puppeteer who uh has a puppet named toiley t paper who's great it's just what you're picturing it's super funny it's at the toiley on instagram that's awesome how do you spell toiley t-o-i-l-e-y the toilet gotta know how to spell it thanks

yeah grant he's really really funny i've seen him perform that's funny and awesome uh you want to thank some more people i'm gonna thank you to patreon supporters at our top two tiers they go by usernames like flying fish 33 thank you thank you jeremy rossman thank you panthro's bulge thank you this many years later we're still having that's so good sometimes i'll be laying awake at night thinking about skeleton thinking about what is it what is it like uh thank you bony wiffle diffle 69 thank you pretty sure all of y'all would have killed that kid you're torturing blade about thank you you're not wrong sam gibson thank you i will raise you to toilet frogs oh thank you undead johnny thank you ravenclaw prefect thank you dan hindes hins hines thank you halium thank you corpus callosum thank you obscene outrage thank you james amarando thank

you the fake vince thank you tiktok's downstairs mix-up thank you amarthamon's mighty morphin month of may and it's coming so it's only a couple more weeks thank you toblerone jones and finally thank you blaine bla bla who blaine who blaine who are blaine are are though blaine patreons blaine those patreons brought to us by blaine who are those patreon supporters brought to us by patreon support brought to us by fentaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by Fentanyl Roll-Ups. Your kids are going to do it anyway, so why not grape? Fentanyl Roll-Ups.

And Miss Construzzi is the place you learn to ride a horse. Miss Construzzi is the place you learn to fear a horse. Dan? Thank you, Blaine. It. Dan. Thank you, boy. It's now time.

Without my windscreen. My mic. Yes. Really ate it a month ago. To talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Boy. Really? The farts, you guys.

Farts. No one's farting. My nose is screwed up from when I had COVID. I smell like the ghosts of things, like after they're already gone. It's the weirdest. You used to always accuse Mavis of farting, and then all the time I knew her,

I barely saw her fart or smell. I might just be very sensitive. I don't know. I am burping a lot. Maybe it's a mouth fart. Yeah. I might just be very sensitive. I don't know. I am burping a lot. I have goby burps. Maybe it's a mouth fart. Yeah. Could be a mouth fart.

Anyway, before I was unnecessarily gross. I saw the mouth fart. Sorry, guys. Sam, cut that out. It was playing the whole time. Believe it in. Snort. Some stuff happened

um everybody died we are mid combat with a bunch of quaggots some of them are dead and some of our heroes are dead or well at least pish posh is unconscious at zero hit points and bricks

our new friend is unconscious at zero hit points and two failed death saving throws. Everybody else is, you know, up. Dallytail's up on a cage. I think I laid it out visually pretty well last episode. But there's a bunch of cages, torture tools, stuff like that. And there is a staff that you know torture tools, stuff like that. And,

uh, there is a staff that, you know, is there an iron man? There is an iron man. Excellent. I know her. Um,

why did I close my laptop? I just wanted to do something for effect. Um, yep. So we're at the top of the turn order, Chris. Uh, I, before you go, yes, you are at the top of the turn order chris uh i before you go yes you are at the top of turn i realize i did not have our spectral friend go when it was his turn so he

goes and disappears and has been gone for uh three people's turns and now it is yours hmm cool um i'm going to uh grab uh i guess i probably in my bag or my belt uh i have two potions of superior healing i'm going to grab one of them i'm going to climb down and run up to the unconscious bricks and pour it in her mouth. Alright. Roll me the healing points for bricks, please. So I believe that's 8d8 plus 8. Nice. You might want to check because I don't know.

Superior? That's what it was, yeah. I'm on it. Superior's better than the Huron. 8d4 plus 8. Sorry, 8d4. I have the d4. Here we go. 3 and 4. So that's 7.

Thank you. Let me do this so I don't mess it up. 1. 3 and 4. So that's 11. 2. And 1 is 3 so 14 so this is the last one thank you 2 and 4 is 6 so

20 alright there's a gurgling noise as she comes to whew and then I will how much movement do I have left Dan? And then I will... How much movement do I have left, Dan? That would have been 15, 20, 25. So I have 10 more left.

Maybe just a... No, I'm going to stay right there with my... I guess my short sword's drawn. Like, come on, you bastards! Do an intimidation check. Oh. There's a guy right in your face. That's true. No bonus.

That's a hot 13. Yeah, that won't really affect him. He just sort of glares at you. I'm a squirrel. I accept that. But hey, i wanted to give you a shot thank you ken you're up i remain at zero am i conscious i'm not even conscious you know we should look this up because i feel like this is either being done correctly or we are cheating you of narrative. So spare the dying.

Yeah, that's it. You're zero. You've been stabilized. Still unconscious. I say this. Where is Cam? He's in our hearts. On the ground laying here.

Right over there. By those guys. Not dead. Just drained completely. Okay. All right. Don't mind me so let's see

why would somebody be honking their horn like that hmm did they love Jesus can someone remind me who unlocked the cage who got the iron keys that unlocked the cage that let bricks out? I thought Blap found them. Was it me? Yeah, I feel like it was me.

Will you do an insight check, please? 16. Okay, you remembered after unlocking it to take the keys and put them back in your pouch. My primordial pouch, meow. Nice. Uh-huh. Can I get a wisdom saving throw from Dallytail, please?

Oh, this merciless specter! Wisdom, you said? Yeah. Two. Oh, natural 20 plus two. Yeah, you shake off the chilling sensation you feel. In the moment that our souls touch, do I

know anything about this ghost? Insight check. Well, I rolled a three plus five, eight. I mean, you can tell that it's some sort of humanoid, probably sentient. I can't give you much more other than that.

Okay, as I free myself from its grasp, I'll be like, We're trying to stop them. If you were one of their victims, we're trying to save people like you. I mean, I don't know if it's sentient enough. I don't know. But that's fun. All right, so now the guy in front of Dallytail is going to start slashing at him. That's fair enough.

Oh, he botches! Yeah! Stabs himself in his own asshole. Come on, Dan. Second botch this fight. 35. Alright, so he is going to cut his friend. I'm not into these guys.

These guys are like weird creepos. Slashes at you again. There'll be 20 to hit. That hits. Alright, 5 points of slashing damage. This other guy is going to run up to you and start clawing at you.

These guys are relentless. Oh, you know what? I picked up my new feet thing. I think this comes into play here. I'm about to tell you what he rolled to attack. Oh, well, when you do, when a creature hits you with an attack, you gain plus four to

AC against all subsequent attacks made by that creature for the rest of the turn. So that second one, what was that one to hit? This is a new attacker. Right, no, I'm saying the one before this where I just got damaged. I'm realizing that my feet would have potentially made it so I didn't get hit. Sam, check the tape.

Oh, cripes. I hope this feat doesn't fail him now. I feel like it was, well, the best I could push it up is 21. It wouldn't have been a 20. It wasn't a 21. So then, forget it. So I'm still hit. Okay, so this is a 17 hit. 17 hits. Okay.

That'll be 7 points. 17 hits. Okay. That'll be seven points of slashing damage. Okay. Does your AC go up? Yes, it does. Okay. What is it now? 21. All right.

24 to hit. That hits. Oh, my God. Jesus. Seven points of flashing damage. Still on my furry feet, but very limping. And because I'm a weird little animal character,

it's much sadder than Sarah. This is much more like, oh no. Big eyes. Brave tears. The fellow with the staff waves his staff. You see there's a pile of flesh.

What? Just like a lumpy gristly pile of humanoid meat and it starts to slop together. Oh god. Pulls itself to its feet. Oh, God. Pulls itself to its feet. It's worse.

And you just see this bloated humanoid starting to expand. Oh, that's horrible. Okay. So we're about to get attacked by Steven Seagal. And it just... Eyes are dead. They're just like white eyes. And it's just eyes are dead they're just like white eyes and it's

just sort of staring at you two right now and then this guy just sort of like you just see him cast another spell that appears to be beneficial to himself this room is hell it's not great himself.

This room is hell. It's not great. It's not a positive experience. I am not giving a good review. Okay. Blaine, you're up. I'm casting Spiritual Weapon. Okay.

And I'm going to swing at the guy that just did the thing the guy over by the door the mage yeah mage the wizard yes okay roll to attack what kind of weapon is 17 it's a mace mace. So it's a 17. 17's a hit. Nice. And it's 1d8 plus my spellcasting ability modifier. So that's

8 plus 8 plus 6, 14. Alright. And my... Okay, and I'm gonna I'm going to use my movement to get away from this thing.

I'm going to run over run over here a little bit. I'm gonna knock everything over. That's 30 feet. Yeah. But I have cat speed. What's your speed?

My cat speed is... Meow. Oh, that's not a number. Bottom center of your front page. It is to a cat. It's 30 feet, but I have double... I can do double my speed when I move on my turn in combat

I can double my speed so you can move another 30 feet if you want I'm going to stay over here just so I can see stuff but they can't really see me Brian you're up I'm going to turn on that big fleshy I can see stuff, but they can't really see me. Brian, you're up.

I'm going to turn on that big, fleshy fucking pile of shit and double attack him. Okay. Roll to attack. Crit. Nice. Plus five. All right, roll that damage. 25 on the battle axe.

It's double this, right? Mm-hmm. So eight plus two ten or twenty what or no 16 no i rolled it four oh god yeah so eight yeah okay ten and then i know long sword Okay. And then... I know. Long sword. Oh, hit again. 17 plus 5. Nice!

That's a hit. Just 3 on that. And then I'm going to do my second attack. Hit again, 17 plus five on the battle axe. You're a murderer. I'd like to hear that. Like in a letter? I mean, I like what you said if you wrote it in a text I would do exclamation three slashing and then one more wasn't that a crit no you got a

crit to attack okay the first one was another 17 plus spot attack forever We have a rolling for attacks. You have four attacks. Yeah, I get double I'm doing to dual wielding So I get four right now you get to you get you can use one and then the other No, right. Yeah, we talked about this episode like three So if you're dual wielding that doesn't give you twice as many attacks as someone else, it just means you can use one

or the other. Okay, so that doesn't seem right. Can we pause for a second? I think the big thing with dual wielding is it takes you roll your damage normally. You can use a bonus action to make another attack. Right. Okay. So if you have two attacks, you're

getting three. Because you're getting your two attacks that you get for your attack action and then the bonus action. You can spend your bonus action to make a third attack. So you get three a turn. That's pretty cool. But for each attack, you don't get to take one hand and swing it twice. Gotcha. Okay. Alright.

Let's come back. So, that will have been your bonus action, Brian. Yeah, gotcha. Sorry. It's okay. Next is... I was trying to cheat. I just genuinely thought...

No, it's okay. I tried to pause it so we could cut it out. And then Sarah's going to get to her feet. Yeah. And start punching. Nice. The audience starts chanting. And it punching. Nice. The audience starts chanting. And it hits.

Right. So she punches the claw guy. And she's going to go for her flurry of blows. That's another hit. And you just

see her like hit it right in the ribs and there's just a crunching and a splatting noise and it slaps to the ground and you see this big crater where half of its rib cage is supposed to be

alright and that will do it for Sarah Chris you're up I'm going to All right. And that will do it. Sarah. Chris, you're up. I'm going to... Am I in melee with that guy? You sure are. So there's still a guy up.

There are two guys up. Three guys up. I will... I'm going to... For my action, I'm going to disengage. I'm going to, for my action, I'm going to disengage. I'm going to use my movement to rotate around to Ken, who's on the ground. And for my bonus action, I'm going to pour a potion into Ken's mouth. I'm going to pour the same one that I did.

So it's an 8d4. And Ken, I will take your die if you have it. So Ken can go back to life for a couple of rounds and then die again. Well, that way, you know, it's a rotating... 4, 6, 10. Good.

11, 15, 17, and then two more. 19, 21. Nice. How many potions do you have left, Chris? I don't have any more superior. Those were my two superior.

Got it. So, yeah, one for bricks and then one for I don't have any more superior. Those were my two superior. Got it. So, yeah, one for bricks and then one for friends. We fight together. Oh, what? Oh, I was. Will that do it for your turn, sir? Yep, that's it.

All right. What happened while I was out? Oh, I'm going to attack this guy immediately. First, you get up to your feet. Spring to my feet and attack. Oh, and you're Irish now. Sometimes when people get head injuries, they come back with accents. That's true. I am going to...

Let's see what kind of spelling I'm going to fuck this guy up with. Can you use one that murders him? Well, I hope to yeah little sneaky hey I don't have that anymore oh no also he's a sorcerer

in melee range so this will be interesting this guy oh you're gonna do that guy oh no I see what you're saying He's a sorcerer in melee range, so this will be interesting. This guy. Oh, you're going to do that guy. Oh, no. I see what you're saying. I'm a sorcerer.

Yeah, it's up to you. Got it. He's a wizard. Yeah. You know, approximately. I've been asleep, so I didn't have a chance to prepare. Well, let's hit both of them, maybe. 15 feet. How far away is this fella?

5, 10, 15 feet. Oh. Well, then I'm going to use my spray of cards and hopefully get both of them. All right. So what is that? A save of some sort? That is a dex saving throw. That'll be a 12. No good.

Both of them? Oh, you get to hit both guys? Yeah, it's a 15-foot cone. You're going to hit Sarah. Am I? Yes. Your choice. Then I'm just going to shoot at that guy. Okay. So he fails. Alright. And then going to shoot at that guy. Okay. So he fails.

All right. And then what happens? Let's see. Okay. Here's the damage. Playing card damage, right? Yeah. I mean, the most.

20 points. He is immune to player card damage. No, I'm going to hit him for 20 points of damage. Holy shit. Cardboard slicing. Oh, so he's just, like, cut to ribbons. Jesus. Yeah, and he's just like he's still standing, but like he's starting to stagger. You just see blood

pouring down his armor. I like that. And cards. Yeah. Oh, that's it for you. Draw two, draw two, skip. Yes, that's it. The guy with the swords is going to start oh hello guy is going to start slashing

at dally tail heard from mars that would be a 28 to hit oh that hits that would be 7 points of damage dally tail goes down oh no he's going to turn on he's not going to attack no. He's going to turn on

C. He's going to go to Ricks. That's a 28 to hit. Dan, you're rolling a D20, right? Not like a D30. A D1. I'm afraid so.

Oh, and I forgot because he's using Quaggoths have Wounded Fury. So that's another point of damage. Sure. Sarah. Wounded Fury. She's down to 12 hit points. Jeez. The Mage. she's down to 12 hit points jeez

the mage guy oh yeah does that guy have a name what do you mean the mage oh really yeah I named him he is a a homebrew quaggoth

necromancer no i've just been his name oh fuckface uh fuckface is definitely i love the christian name that's cool yeah yeah yeah i i wish him luck on his journey with his family because that is a questioning

relationship all right hell of a time in elementary school bursts of energy pop out sure a questioning relationship. Alright, you see... We have a hell of a time in elementary school. Bursts of energy pop out. Sure, why wouldn't we? Why don't we, wouldn't we? Of his stuff. One second, please.

Okay. Pish posh. You take six points of force damage. Is that doing any save or anything? Huh? This is magic missile. Got it. Just making sure. Grasping at straws here. force damage. Do I have to do any save or anything? Huh? This is magic missile. Got it. Pew pew pew. Just making sure. Grasping at straws here. Uh, some bolts

then hit bricks. She goes down. Ah, bricks! I mean, the last one will be, yeah, she's extra. Hip point. Um, and that'll do it for this fella's turn. Um, and that'll do it for this fella's turn.

Um, hey, Pish Posh, can I get a wisdom saving throw, please? You got this. From the veil, I say. It's that fucking ghost. Mm-hmm. That's a 21

yeah you just feel this like cold sweat pour down you as you go like flex something out of your mind that's trying to grab hold of your central nervous system and it dissipates uh Brian the big

bloated corpse takes a swing at you. That's going to be 10 to hit. Nope. Alright. That'll do it for its turn. Bloated corpse. Blaine, you're up.

I'm going to use my spiritual weapon against the mage. Okay. 12 plus 6, 18. That's a hit. Crush their head. 14 points.

How would you like to see the mage die? I would love to see the mage die. I would like to see him look down and go, wait, when did all these cards come out of my chest? Oh! And then I'd like him to die really confused. Yeah, he's like, I thought I was getting

an audition for Magic Castle. You gotta know somebody to get in, but you gotta know somebody else to get out. Oh, wait! You didn't have a seat jacket anyway. They write Hotel California about that place. It's a lovely place.

Anything else for your turn? I'm going to run over to bricks and I'm going to spare the dying. Can you do a bonus action? Did I wink? You can bonus action spare the dying? It you do the bonus action? Doink.

You can bonus action spare the dying? It's a cantrip. That doesn't make a difference. I think it needs an action. Then no, but I'm right over there to do it. Sounds good. Alright, Brian, you're up. Okay.

Oh, and I should spare the dying on him too. You should. Next time. Finish off this big chewing gum fuck. Okay. Oh, and I should spur the dying on him, too. You should. Yeah. Next time. Finish off this big chewing gum. Fuck. Yeah, I'm going to.

All right. I like dead Ken. Dead Ken's got some sass. I'm back. I'm back. You healed me. I'm just saying. It changed me, though. Yeah.

Something else is coming back as well. I have a bridge. Axe him and slash him. Okay. Do it. Bonus it bonus slash your axe nope nope all right that's a miss yeah it was very low uh well uh hit. That's a hit. Pay and cool. Roll your damage. Kill the blob. Kill the blob. Which weapon is this? This is the longsword. As the longsword connects,

you just see, like, its flesh begin to expand on either side of your blade. Is this thing still going with the mage dead? Yes. Okay. Uh, six slashing. If there's one thing i've learned from marvel movies it's when you kill the main guide everybody that's fighting drops dead yeah it's great every time uh i yeah this is another homebrew thing it's because it's i'm going to tell listeners

because reddit got very mad at me for something and so I'll be very clear this is a homebrew spell that was cast from this specific staff that has control over the souls and bodies in this room this is something you ascertained a little bit from talking to Bricks and that so this thing is zombified independently

of being controlled because its soul has been put back in its body for a specific purpose also reddit uh the reason glibbles uh turned into a coin is because i was trying to get rid of glibbles and the sword at the same time when he got a 100 on his botch not trying to have an actual soul coin instance happen so that is not that is why it does not follow traditional soul coin rules. I don't know what this Reddit thing is. I can't recommend enough.

If a friendly fan of the podcast says you should check it out. There's an interesting discussion. Don't do it. It sounds like you're arguing with water. Well, do you like to argue about this game uh the corpse explodes and this rotting flesh oh and and just like that sounds like a good thing this cloud smashes into you of poison gas can i get a constitution saving throw brian yeah it's a it's a boomer left for dead boomer not the dog here's boomer so this is the last thing in the room that's moving around uh no

there are two more there's a ghost and a quite off still ghost uh low uh eight okay so you take eight points of poison damage. You are now poisoned and blind. Oh! Like Daredevil, except for poisoned. Oh, Brian, your mini has got two status rings.

And he's a terrible lawyer. Would you like to try to use any of your movement? No. Okay. At least the big tub of shit is gone. Yeah. Next is Sarah. Sorry.

She is going to try to make a death saving throw. And that's a fail. Oh, but I did. Oh, yeah. You tried to, but you did oh yeah you tried to but you did not have enough actions to do spare the die i know you want to do it so bad but uh i'm honking up the storm today i don't know who the fuck that is i went outside to check it out i think it's rose i think you should get your shotgun about 15 minutes ago

yet he said he wanted the keys to my car. And I said, okay. Chris, can I get a death saving throw? Why, certainly. But again, I'm using Ken's lucky squirrel dice. That's a 10. Yay, squirrel dice. All right. So that's a success.

Yes. Make note of it. Ken, you're up. I will attack this fellow here. Okay note of it. Ken, you're up. I will attack this fellow here. Okay. One second. Let's see. What shall I give him this time?

He's not especially dying. No. Yeah, a lot of these guys are pretty low on health. This guy's got a little bit of oomph left. Make fun of his fetish. Do an insight check. Do an insight check. Do an insight check, Kev. I'm doing it.

He's got a hat with human ears on it to make it look like a negative. We've been doing two-weapon fighting wrong. Of course. Somebody's going to call us on it. That's a 12. Yeah, you can't tell what his fetish is. What do you mean, Brian? It says when you engage in two-weapon fighting, you can add your ability modifier to the damage of the second attack.

Oh, interesting. Well, we'll start doing that. Oh, I thought you said you meant you had it as like an ability. No. There is such a thing. I have two-weapon fighting. No, I do. Well, you're dual-leading, and two-weapon fighting is the fighter thing. So, weapon fighting no I do your dual leading

two weapon fighting is the fighter thing so yeah combat oh he does have okay good yeah but he just can't

yeah he just gets to add a number yeah you still have three attacks yeah yeah yeah but I would do more damage now

well you'd be more likely to hit you've been doing it the right way normally when you do a second attack with your offhand you don't get that bonus so the fact you've been getting this whole right way. Normally when you do a second attack with your offhand, you don't get that bonus. So the fact you've been

getting this whole time means you're good. Okay. Gotcha. I'm just going to throw up on this piece of shit. Blow some acid in his face. Let's hear how that goes. I'd say

dex saving throw. Trying to dodge my spit-ups. That'd be ax saving throw. Okay. Trying to dodge my spin-ups. That'd be a 13. Nope. He gets this. 11 acids. Oh, man.

Just all his fur just gets scorched off his face. To the face. Good. Acid to the face. Screeches. How many points? 11. Thank you.

All right. Anything else for this turn? No. Okay. He's going to turn to you, Ken. Well, of course he is. He takes out a satin glove. That's going to be a 28 to hit.

That's a miss. A demand satisfaction. No, that's it. Five points of slashing damage. Cogsucker. Jesus. He swings again. 18 to hit. Hang on a second.

Do what you gotta do. Gotta do my damage. What's my AC? 16. That's it. It'd be 9 points of slashing damage. Son of a bitch. Do you go down again?

Nope. How many points do you have left? Not yet. Uno. Oh my god. That's all you need. Uno. Let's end this, you guys, and save these guys. Hey, Blep. Can I get a wisdom saving throw, please?

Oh my god. 18 plus 6. You brace yourself as an iciness comes over you and manage to repel something that's trying to enter your consciousness. Oh, I feel like I should go lay in a sunbeam. Can I go lay in a sunbeam for a while?

It is your turn. Would you like to use your action, your very valuable action, to lay in a sunbeam? i go lean a sunbeam for a while um it is your turn would you like to use your action you're very valuable action that way in a sunbeam uh no i'm going to uh take your pick who you're gonna spare i'm going to your best friend i'm gonna spare bricks because she's right there okay and then i'm going to use my feline agility to sprint over to, uh, to, uh, our squirrel friend. I'd like to point out that, um, while I'm unconscious, I'm slightly curled up.

And so I imagine to blep, I look, I'm like the perfect little, uh, canopy size bite. Yeah. It looked like a, Ooh,

it looks like a little Cinnabon. Uh, where are you for you then? Uh, where, where is he? Uh, she's right there? She's right there. She's right there.

You are within melee of this guy though. He's going to take a swing at you. But show me where you're going. Where is he? Like over here. Five more feet away. Can I just turn? You can just step over the body.

It's not really bolting from the guy okay and that'll do for your turn that'll do it for my turn oh you know what i'm gonna do is uh i do have a bonus so i'm going to uh invoke duplicity and have uh and appear uh in front of the guy to distract him. Excellent. Sam, how are we doing on time? That's plenty of time. Brian, you are up. Okay. I'm going to make my way over towards those guys even though I can't see them.

I'm going to sort of... I know where I'm going. So I'm going to sort of, I mean, I know where I'm going, so I'm going to kind of stumble through. My main idea, I'm going to give Blaine one of my potions so he can get to them. Gotcha. All right.

And then Sarah is stabilized do I get to toss it to him or do I only get that far you can toss it yes this is going to be do an insight check

insight uh-huh a no sight check right now you're blind not in his heart is why i'm doing this he fights for love uh 14 you definitely would not get it to him because

you're blind you would not you would just say hello past him and possibly smash on the ground. I'm not going to do that. Maybe you'll heal this guy. I think that is in Baldur's Gate 3 a possibility. Yes. All right. The spinnaker smished Popeye and went

in Bluto's mouth. Oh boy. Chris, you're up. That means death saving throw. Yeah, boss. 16. Nice. So that's two successes. Two successes.

Looking good. What could possibly go wrong? Dan, don't say it like that. You can't throw health potions at people and heal them like in Baldur's. No, you cannot. It has to go down the gullet. But I thought it was just like TNT and it's not. They try to make it so you aren't

constantly TPKing like you would if you played Dungeons and Dragons. Okay. Attacking. Alright. TPKing sounds fun, but you know what it means. It's not. Then you... That's a good pizza

restaurant. Caledega Pizza King Kitchen. It's Bacon Week at TPK. Oh, nice. Does TPK deliver? I'm just going to get pizza on the way home. Listeners, there have been three elbow drops this episode alone.

What are you doing? I'm going to barf some more on this okay but yeah that's a saving throw right yeah what is it i don't know dex it's a 20. yeah saved now but does he have it or does he i don't know why don't you find out maybe you'll care anymore okay let me help you hang on a second all right i saw a trailer for a jim carey movie 20 something years ago or 25 years ago at that theater we used to go to on sunset and a guy yelled during the trailer for this Jim Carrey movie, I love physical comedy. And I was like, yeah, man. Does he dodge completely or was it 23?

He dodges. Okay. Oh, damage on success. Sorry. Oh, see, it's the opposite. It's good. Aren't you glad you looked it up? Roll your damage. Oh, damage. Right. Incredible. Ken It's good. Aren't you glad you looked it up? Roll your damage.

Oh, damage. Right. Incredible. Ken is very sad about his one hit point. The whole thing is very upsetting. Ken, you did some damage on that guy. I'm doing some more. 14 acids.

Ooh. You're a one hit point wonder. Wait, 14. Is that before or after it's halved? Oh, halved. Seven. Seven. Seven.

Okay. Ken, stop. I did 14 acids. before or after it's halved? Oh, halved. Seven. Seven. Seven. Okay. Ken, stop. He roars. I did 14 acids. He roars again. Summer of 19. As long as it's not the brown one. Four drops.

Four of all drops, ladies and gentlemen. Four. He's looking rough now. All right. Much of his fur has been scorched off with acid. Anything else for your turn? I can't do anything else. Can we see his dick in two balls?

Huh? Can we see his dick in two balls? No? Can we see his dick in two balls? No, it's been all over his face, but you could probably, like, poke his loincloth and, like, lift it up if you wanted. No. I hope my bird is down. All right, that's it for you, Ken?

I don't want. Okay, he's going to start slashing it, you can. Of course he is. I'm dead. That is a 16 to hit. 16 is more of a class. Okay. Dead.

Yeah. Well, he broke one, so it's only is my armor class. Okay. Dead. Yeah. Well, he rolled one, so it's only four points of damage. It's enough. You go down. It is enough. He is now going to... How does... Hello, Flora, you old friend.

I'm trying to think, like... I think it's a deception check? Can I get a deception check from Blaine? Yeah. I guess it's perception, I think. This is always like... 18. 18.

19 minus 1. I'm looking this up, Blaine. Can you give me a commercial for duplicity? While I look it up. Lolly Poop Suppositories from Tootsie Lacks. Lane, can you give me a commercial for Duplicity? While I look it up. Lollipoop Suppositories from Tootsie Lacks. Shove it up your ass and wait. Fast acting lollipoops. Look out!

She's gonna blow pop and blow poop. Lollipoop Suppositories from Tootsie Lacks. Look what you made me do, Dan. Thanks. Alright, so he's gonna roll against it and he can't tell which is which, so he's going to roll against it and he bought, he, he, he can't tell which is which. So he's going to swing at the wrong one. And it just kind of goes right through it.

And he goes, and he turns back to you. Okay. And is it a little bit of smoke coming off of all the acid that's burning off of the guy? Yeah. and he's you can almost see his dick and balls. Can I get a wisdom saving throw?

Shit. You can see 17 plus 6. Again, the icing is grips you, but you managed to shake it off. Where's that sun be when I need it? Yeah, it's shining on the dick and balls.

Folks, right now I can helicopter him for you if you like. Only Blept and Mordecai are standing. Mordecai is blinded and poisoned. And there is a ghost and a wobbly Quaggoth still standing.

But wait, is Brixton too? Oh yeah. That's Oh shit. Ain't that some shit? I believe that is going to bring us to your turn, Blaine. I'm going to... Can I remind you what you said you were going to do? Hmm?

Can I remind you what you said you were going to do? What did I say I was going to do? You're going to cast Spare the Dying on Deletail Sharptail. I'm going to cast Spare the Dying on Delet Tail, Sharp Tail. I'm going to cast Spare the Dying on Deli Tail, Sharp Tail. Okay. Twig. Get it right. Anything with your bonus action?

Movement. I'm going to... Well, I'm going... I'm going to move my duplicity image over right next to me. Okay. Sounds good. And then, Brian, it's your turn.

Let's see. Kill them all. Oh. kill them all oh if uh if I took a healing potion would that help against poison uh no no just hit points

alright well I'm gonna drink it anyway okay roll your your uh hit points yeah so what is it for uh two regular or one regular uh 2d4 plus two 2d4 nine alright so I have nine hit points back nice are you doing pretty good on hit points Brian? ish and will that do it for your turn? are you going to move at all?

yeah I'm going to kind of tuck into this kind of sit down. Cool. Can I get a constitution saving throw? Save space. When you're done. Did the ghost fart?

Is this the ghost's fart poisoning him? All right. I roll again. Wait, why do you roll again? Because it hit. It doesn't normally. All right. We'll keep what I was.

So it's a 12. No, don't get mad at me. You can give a shit. Okay. All right. And then Sarah is immobile and we'll have to find out what happens next on our next episode. Oh, boy. God.

What a fucking disaster. Episode 14. We're in combat again. Chris is saving bricks. Then there's 40 minutes where I forgot to pay attention. Chris is unconscious. Blaine is saving him. Brian is giving Blaine one of his potions and a ghost farted.

That's right. That's all correct. This room is worse than David Buster's. I hate it here. Give me a job, everybody. Otherwise, you'll see me under an overpass in downtown Los Angeles. What are you up to, Brian? Rhymescene.com, tour dates.

I've got, in May, I'm going to be in Batavia, Illinois. Again, at the comedy club there. I did it once last year. It was super fun. Come back, and then at the end of this month of April, if this airs in time, I'm in Arlington at the Draft House down in DC area.

And then next month I've got that one-off. An evening with Geezer Butler at the Gothic Theater in Denver, Colorado. I will be hosting it. And nerding the fuck out. It's going to be amazing. And then Rifters and Grommets. Very soon.

PrimeMachine.com Blame. We attribute the success to mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. On the next Nerd Poker, Sam has to sell all his recording equipment to get his car fixed, so the Nerd Poker gang has to write the show out longhand.

All this and Sam's car gets stolen. On the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.