Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 3

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Behold! A mighty hero emerges from the heavens to alleviate the burden placed on our heroes. Finally, with the help of this powerful bastion hope, there is a chance the vile dragon Glut will be slain. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam engineer sam and of course our kick-ass dm dan telfer welcome to nerd poker hey everybody it's prideful safe this is gonna be a fun one. Everybody's doing bits already, and it's not on Zoom. Nerd Poker is back. It's the third episode of the Mountain Campaign. Season six, if you're nasty. That's going to get old.

It's not season six! Season five, would it be? I mean, what? It would not. If you're nasty. It would be season six if you're nasty season it would be season six if you're nasty it would be season six if we wanted to confuse people if you're nasty yes we've been doing six campaigns coming in hot uh we're all back at the table and uh sounds like we already

recorded an episode but nope we just got here fresh it's gonna be good uh my friends are here um let's start with the the dm hi what's up buddy well you know just stuff i don't have a lot going on really that's good yeah just beekeeping usual cool ken's here looking yeah i'm right here next to Dan and I'm touching him on the shoulder. It's been a while. It's been a while. Sarah's here. Your favorite song. I am here.

I got to experience that. Yeah. And everybody's healthy. So, all right. Chris is here. Hi. Hey, pal. How nice for us all to be in the same room. Yes.

So good. And then Engineer Sam. Hello, sweet children. Choo-choo. Hey, pal. And then to my right, on the pink mic. And also the stink mic. Blank a patch.

Blank a patch, everybody. Hey hey will I be able to follow season 6 if I didn't see season 5 alright thanks for coming back holy shit so it's our third episode and you won't be able to tell but we had to take a month

off because people were busy because of the holidays and getting sick and stuff so we're back playing these new characters do you want to thank some people I will thank some people you know patreon supporters we really appreciate you and if you're new to the podcast yeah we're trying to reset

a little bit and make sure that you can listen to this campaign regardless of whether you've heard a previous campaign or season so uh we would love if you are new to go check us out at patreon.com nerd poker upper tier patreon supporters go by usernames like wolves ate my house thank you thank you thanks wolves thank you michael corhonen thanks michael thank you Thank you, A Wizard But Broccoli. Nice.

Thank you, Colby Allen. Thanks, Colby. Thank you, To The Tabaxi Rogue, Listening in Ecuador. Ooh, thank you. Thank you, Jay Berg. Thank you, Nikki D. Thank you, Kevin Welch. Thanks, thanks, Kevin.

Thank you, Dr. Balls, paging Dr. MF Balls. Yay, classic. Thank you. Thanks, Dr. Balls. It's fun when there are ones that I remember from last time we were in person and they made it all the way through. Thank you, Mark Braden's future second wife. Thanks, Sabotage the Cat. Thank you, Robert Nichols.

Thank you, Le Twig. Thank you, Drew. And finally, thank you, Danny's Bahamut-sized math class oops boner. Classic. Who are those supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by Cat Eye Boogers, ruining pictures of your cat since 1880. Cat Eye Boogers. And Miss Construzies, Taco Tuesday oil change. Miss Construzies, your mom is going to love her look.

Dan. Thanks, Blaine folks it's so fun to actually watch him do this again you did Miss Construes before we went remote right I don't know that might have been a zoom one

oh man wild to see the man the legend Miss Construes it's like seeing like python at the hollywood bull yeah or elvis in hawaii yeah or vincent bryson that gave or elvis in a python wow all being constricted hold thank you did you miss our old references these are all brand new these old references. These are all brand new references. These old references.

It's all pops and bozzles. Yeah. We okay? Found ways? All right. Hey, everybody. It's time to talk about what happened last time

on Nerd Poker. You guys approached Mount Dukes. Yeah. What happened to the guy? I don't feel like it right now. There were two mountains. There's a dragon

atop one of them lording over her treasure a dragon named glut you figured out she is an obsidian dragon with some other weird shit going on classic dantel for mutation shit probably and there were a couple of different ways you could have gone with this three ways and as the nervous bar Sheffy explained these three options to you, you went with, as you guys put it, what sounded like the most fun, most difficult, stupid route. So I am excited to watch you guys go into the nearby mountain, Mount Dukes, where Glut has her dragon eggs on the top of it. There's an abandoned dwarven city that you have just entered. You are walking through some dark halls with collapsed pillars. You've noticed the pillars have large bite marks high up on them, and also the dust has strange inhuman tracks in it. You've detected wafts of

necromancy above you, and just a moment ago smelled the scent of rotting flesh. We now take you to our heroes already in progress. I have a really important question first. Is Mount Dukes spelled like put up your dukes, or is it spelled like dukey? You have not seen it written yet. Oh, man. All right, I'll just...

It's a great time, actually, for reasons that will become clear, I hope, shortly, to ask that question amongst yourselves. We've got a map out in front of us. It's beautiful. You've got a combat map. We've got some Hero Forge characters. Mine's coming soon.

Yes. I'm taking a picture of the blank map, which will be filled. Do you have an extra guy for me? An extra guy? Oh, a spare? who's got a spare for Sarah's I did not bring I'll use a four-sided dive there's a barbarian you can be a barbarian

okay what's Juniper Sharpe's name or class again excuse me monk monk that's right way of the drunken master and you're a human monk I would love to go around. Variant human. What does that mean? It means I get feets.

Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets.

Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets.

Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Feets. Let's go around, though, Ben, and remind listeners what we look like since we'll be minds eyeing it. Ken, who are you portraying?

I am portraying Pish Posh Malorga, the dragonborn sorcerer. Lovely. Brian, who are you going to be? I'm a lot of grays and blacks and reds. Typical goth colors. It's Mordecai Grey Menace IV. He's a tiefling, and he's a fighter. Well, it's not all he is.

Sometimes he's an amateur chef and folks have heard his name on the streets. He helps people. And what do they call him on the streets, Brian? What did I say? Oh, would you like me to rhyme it? Yeah. The Equal-er. The Equal-er, yes.

In color. Blaine, what is your race class name? Well, Meow Meow, I'm Bleth, Meow Meow, and I'm a Tabaxi Cleric Meow. Meow. Oh, boy. Who was that Mr. Rogers

character that did Meow Meow? Meow Meow Kitty. Who could forget? Daniel Tiger Daniel Tiger who got his own spinoff cartoon I know what the hell

it was so good I didn't realize it was really good actually I didn't realize it for most of it maybe if you had children you would know

the Daniel Tiger spinoff was like a real American he's the editor of a Chicago newspaper very hard hitting that's it is speaking of I thought that was Daniel Kitty speaking of real i thought that was daniel kitty speaking of real

editors of chicago newspapers chris who will you be portraying uh i'll be portraying uh lou grant uh i was uh mary roberts but i'm gonna be portraying dally tail sharp twig a uh squirrel ranger and one thing dan i checked uh what's his first name? Say it again. Dally tail. Dally tail. He's so tickled. Yeah. It's great to stop and think about. He is a hero of the forest. Yes, he is.

Size wise, it says you are just over or just under one and a half feet tall. Yes. We were just talking about that the last couple of episodes. You said like two or three. Yeah, because I was wrong. My size is tiny. So I'm thinking like a foot and a half.

Does he have like super... Is he like a muscular body? No, he looks... When he hits somebody, it's not going to hurt them. Oh no, it hurts. The art I picked out, it looks like a golden books watercolor painting of a squirrel, but it's wearing like a little Robin Hood tunic, but it's like these big bright eyes.

Oh, I would love if you put that on Instagram. I will find it. Maybe I can find out who did it, too. That'd be cool. I want a shirt, which is this dude. And Dallytail. I've seen the D&Dnd beyond entry but how is that spelled sir oh d-a-l-l-y-t-a-l-e dally tail and then sharp twig s-h-a-r-p-t-w-i-g one word

dally tail sharp twig and so is there anything else you'd like to say about your character i kind of announced her for you so um no just that we thought maybe we were cousins because my last name is Sharp, which Chris and I just picked randomly without speaking to each other. So I could change it, but I'm not going to. Between your many feet and your foot and a half, maybe you should change your name to Quentin. Sam, cut that out.

We're back. And you are walking down the darkened halls cool the smell of rotting flesh wafts by everybody do a perception check please nine plus six fifteen seven twelve also seven nine plus six fifteen seven twelve

also seven yeah uh seventeen you think those of you who got a fifteen or above notice maybe like just

a hundred twenty ish feet away there seems to be of notice maybe like just like 120 ish feet away there seems to be some sort of iron or pewter bowl sitting in the middle of this pillared hallway and there's something in it glinting

how high up sitting on the stone ground oh it's just in the middle of the room in the middle of the room about 120 in the bowl like a salad bowl or yes album size small salad or does does it seem like it's like it would be like a trap is it cold like at a nice restaurant? It's unclear. It stands out. It stands out very significantly in that there's nothing else really on the floor.

Any tracks around it? You're too far away to tell. Can I climb up? Actually, I would kind of scamper over to Mordecai's. Do you have feet or do you have hooves? I scamper over to Mordecai's. Do you have feet or do you have hooves? Hooves. I scamper over to Mordecai's hooves and go like,

and sort of point up to his shoulder like, may I? Okay, I will scamper up him, but I'll make sure to go at least once kind of around his waist. I don't go in a direct line. I kind of go up in circles. Like a squirmles? Yeah. Avoid my bing bong?

I beg your pardon? Your bing bong? I want to try and look. The placement of the bowl, it might tell us something. Like, does it seem to be sort of visible from many directions? Like, does it seem more placed? Or is it like lying on its side off, you know? Dallytail, please do a horn scout insight check.

Insight check. Horn scout insight check. Add your horn scout bonus to this insight. 17 plus 5, 22. Oh, shit. Nice. It looks very deliberately placed. You think you might actually see some footprints in the dust, but it's difficult to tell.

You think that this was not necessarily a trap, but someone wanted you to see it. Oh, yeah. Someone put it there. You're right. You're right. No obvious mechanisms, but you think what is in the bowl is meant to be used with it. You're still a little too far away to tell. Um, as you, as you sort of relate this to your friends, a very loud booming voice suddenly echoes through the halls. It fills the halls so deeply that none of you can tell where exactly it is coming from.

The voice says, It is I, Glimmels, the Ward of Foul Fortune, otherwise known as Fate's Hammer, and also your ripped goblin guide. Your fortune is foul, and so you require a near god such as myself to shepherd you through the haunted arteries and cul-de-sacs of this dead dwarven city. How lucky you are to have found me. Still, you are my sheep and as sheep you must bleed in exchange for safe passage should you decide to hire this

mercenary guide make me a monetary offer and then to seal the pact use the knife and the bull to spill your blood wow Martin Prince has lost it that's really good Wow, Martin Prince has lost it. That's really good.

So, should we check out his LinkedIn? He's waiting for a monetary offer, he says. Do we want to hire him? Venmo's blood in a bowl. I mean, can't we at least try to get a look at him? Like, you know, he might be worth 10 gold pieces. He said that he is also known as Fate's Hammer or your Rit Goblin Guide. He claims to be a near god. Do you have a voice?

Tell him we don't do business with people we can't see. So, show yourself. Yeah, but maybe say it like a not-in-a-go-fuck-yourself way. We don't do business with people we can't see. So show yourself. Yeah. But maybe say it like a not-in-a-go-fuck-yourself way. Yeah, I would say you should do it, but it feels like half the stuff you say comes out that way. So I feel like... What? Classic Sarah Christensen.

He was very cranky in the last episode. He was so mean to the mayor. It's true. That boy is so dumb. He was the cranky in the last episode. He was so mean to the mayor. It's true. That boy is so dumb. He was the dumbest person. That guy's in charge. Who's our most charming compatriot here? That's what I would say.

As you whisper amongst yourselves. I have a high intimidation. I have no charisma. I don't know if that reads. Yes, mine's low. My charisma's bad. My charisma's a 17. Oh, it's this bad. My charisma is bad. My charisma is a 17. Oh, it's not too shabby.

Pish posh. Say listen. I think we might be more amenable to your suggestion if we could perhaps see you. Persuasion check, obviously. Oops. He exited out before making the, uh...

Persuasion, you said. Someday. That's a big nine. I believe no goblin could fill these halls with his voice unless he was worthy of some sort of offer. Oh, alright.

So just like base offer, we can come up with a base offer, okay? We can negotiate! What? We can negotiate. Okay. Should we discuss What? We get a go, Chad. Should we discuss amongst ourselves? Maybe some gold or something? What do we have to offer?

How about one gold piece? Yeah, one to start. Don't tell him that. We start the bidding at one gold piece. Is that what you're going to say? Well, I heard you say it, Sarah, so why don't you do the persuasion check? Sure. I come from humble origins, and that's a nine.

One gold piece per day. Oh, well, didn't they say it was only going to take us, like, I said, like, two to three days, right, to get up there? Also, a roasted deer every night and three beers oh my god roasted deer what's the lettuce i said dare it's my accent i am a goblin oh my but um yeah let me look where are there Where are their dinner? He said dinner. Dinner. I said dinner. Oh. But I am Faye Tammer, so I'm worth it. Sounds a little challenging. A golden day.

That sounds fair. Yeah. I'm a little meow meow, a little hesitant to bleed into a bowl. Meow meow. So how about a gold piece and no blood? Meow. Persuasion check for blep. How about 18 minus 117? Minus.

It's allergies. My charisma is allergies. Very well. Well, you must promise to the goblin god mcglobby it or your god

lest they strike you down you gotta do gotta pick one well i could uh swear to my the cat god your tongue that uh we will uh not fuck with you meow all right behold that we will not fuck with you. Meow. All right.

Behold! There is a big puff of sparkling dust. Hey, cool. And a goblin warrior appears before you. He is wearing heavy armor. He's got green hair, green skin, bright yellow eyes, a little red cape, and a giant sword with teeth on it strapped to his back.

He's pretty ripped for a goblin, but he is definitely just a goblin. How tall is he? He's like three and a half feet. He's like two squirrels tall. Yep. Hi. Oh, it's him. Nice to meet you.

I'm Glebels. Glebels? Yeah. Glebels. Glebels? Oh, Christ. Is it dinner or deer? Christian Christ.

Glebels. Glebels. Glebels. Like glib, like someone speaking. Yeah. Okay. Glebels. Welcome to the party, Glebels.

Let's go do stuff. I don't know. It seems like we're going to harass you a lot. It really seemed that's the vibe. I don't give a shit. I'll kill you. Oh, hey, hey, hey. We just welcomed you to the party.

OK, but then you said harass. I'm like, oh, I'll fuck with some fucking harassment. Oh, God, I love fucking go. Did we see what was in the bowl? It was a knife that we could cut ourselves to prove. He like scurries over and he like puts them in his backpack. Like very like. The gold and the knife?

Yeah, like they're his belongings that he likes. Weirdo. So do you just hang out here waiting for people to come through? No. Well, yes. Well, not like I have been to the top of Mount Dukes. Well, yes. Well, not like I have been to the top of Mount Dukes,

but, um, yeah, like, uh, I've been hanging out just trying to make some money. Here? Yeah. But why here? This seems like a very desolate, I mean... I came here with adventurers, and as a group, we ascended Mount Dukes in an attempt to get the dragon's eggs.

But then we ran out of supplies and my friend Tug lost his arm. He's lost it like three times and he keeps growing it back. He's like, oh, I'll just grow it back again. And we were like, oh, we can't fucking do this. And then my friend Lilith is like, gotta deal with a demon or something so they had to go like she had to go she had to go fulfill some like obligation we were like alright let's get out of here

fuck this but we're deeply in debt we took out a large personal loan to fund our trip up Mount Dukes and I have to pay it back I volunteered to be the one to do this while they go to the nine hells did you get an egg? No, but I got real close.

Okay. And I made a map. Oh, well, that was helpful. Would you like to see? Well, I would love first for you to tell me how is Mount Dukes spelled? Because I just can't get the question out of my mind. I believe it is D-O-K-S. Of course it is.

Mount Dukes. Yeah. In relation to Daisy Dukes. What? Yeah. Huh? No, forget it. What?

Sam, take that out. Yeah. Sam. Yeah. Yeah, let me show you the map. And he shows you his map, which I'm now texting to everybody. I'm not using my phone. How's the phone reception in this giant...

Some bar to share with Brian. You said this desolated ruin? Oh, it's three bars. Not bad. Oh, okay. I have Brian's Wi-Fi on my computer, so if everyone can promise not to look at my OnlyFans, I can pass my laptop around. Well, I'm definitely going to look at your OnlyFans, I can pass my laptop around. Well, I'm definitely going to look at your OnlyFans.

No, no, no, no. Don't do that. But definitely pass it. And I'm for sure looking. Hey, Glibbles. Subscribe to me. What? What are the tracks in the dust around here that we're looking at?

Meow, meow. Glibbles tells you. And I'm going to. Meow, meow. Glimples tells you. I'm going to explain. I was carrying you. I'm not trying to. Feel free to pass this around those of you who do not have. Wait, did you send it?

Because I'm on Wi-Fi. I'm on Wi-Fi. It's going to come eventually. I don't see no damn map. It's coming. It's just. I got it. It's chugging through.

So it's a hand-drawn map. I got the map. You got to give it the five megabytes a second to go through the interwebs. Oh. Who did this, Dan? Me. Dan, it's great. Thank you. I drew it.

I really like it. Thanks. I got it. It's as glibbles. Does everybody see it? Of course, we'll be posting this on our public Instagram ASAP. It is Dukes with O-O- Instagram ASAP. It is Duke's with. Oh, okay.

He did handwrite it. So it's at least his interpretation. He might not know how to spell. Oh, that's Quibble's map. Yeah. Yeah. Gotcha. And what's then the green stuff is some kind of slime or lava or meow.

Nickelodeon Awards. It's actually delicious. I don't know. He killed Katy Perry. nickelodeon awards it's actually delicious i don't know katie perry he offers to walk you through the map brian if you want to share with uh blaine on his screen you can look at it yeah if you look at the bottom that's where we are with the ball and the blood and the dagger which you know i optimistically drew some blood on, but nobody would do it. And then there's the food court. And then, yeah, there's the, you see those pillars and the giant that's chained to them? That's right ahead of here.

That's the pillars of despair murder. And then there's the two no-mans. Don't go that right in the fork and then don't go left. And then you ascend the sparkle crunch stair. And then the big room with the blood on the ground is stabby spike town. And then

the green stuff is acid splashy world. Where's Lululemon? What? So yeah, we got the pillars of despair murder up ahead. And it's the thumbs up hand. That's where you got to be.

I'm letting you know that's where you come on. Mountain. And I like is my little goblin hand. Okay. Terrific. Okay. Remember, we're parked on goofy for. Got it.

Glimmolds for the places we're not supposed to go, is that because what danger lurks in those places? Do you know that? I do. There's a place where my friend Todd lost his arm. The one on the right is the swamp of shitty scream death. And then the one on the left is the dick-biting demon Beluza.

Oh, no. So don't go to those places. I'm glad that my speech worked. My friend Lark wrote it for me. I was a little nervous. Who's your friend? Lark. She's a fairy. Is she here with us as well?

No, she's with the group in hell. Oh. Do we have to make a demon deal? Is she here with us as well? Nah, she's with the group in hell. Oh. Do we have to make a demon deal? Is that in store? What? No! No, no. My friend made a deal with the demon like a few months ago, and then the demon came calling. We were like,

oh, we're out of supplies anyway. We'll just go. How long did it take for you to run out of supplies? like two three days that seems short for a normal amount of supplies we went in the bad places we used a lot of fucking potions we got real fucked up

it was a real bad time in stabby spike town okay sure one of us got our fucking chests and stabby spike town. Yeah, okay. Sure. Has anyone... One of us got our fucking chests collapsed up ahead at the Pillars of Despair murder. You gotta watch out up here.

Can you tell us about that giant? He tells you that up ahead, there is some sort of giant that is chained to the ground that was placed there by Glut herself. This giant has a massive hammer and a face that looks like a squid and it paces back and forth and smashes anybody who goes by uh picks the corpse up sucks the brain out of their skull like an edamame bean

and then this lurching oops where's that music is that a is that your wind chime so it's beautiful um and then and then when guys my girlfriend galadriel is here uh kate um niagara falls uh so yes and then the he describes once the giant with the squid face is done devouring the brain, he chucks the body aside and a lurching pile of corpse meat absorbs the rest of the body. It's really hard to get

exposition done when there's weird noises taking over. Yeah, it's kind of horrifying. It's a little exorcist and it's barking. It sounded like a puppy having a like he's fighting the exorcist. And it's barking. It sounded like a puppy. He's fighting the puppy. Yeah. There's a giant with a squid face.

Chained. A baby Cthulhu. He tells you it's about 50 feet tall. It's not so baby. It's chained down. It can't escape. It's directly out of this. It's in the next room. It appears to so baby. Oh. But it's chained. It's chained down. Where is that? It can't escape.

It's directly out of this. It has some length on the chain. Yeah. It's in the next room. It appears to be insane. It screams. Oh, good. It will attack you psionically. That all sounds great.

Oh, my God. Very promising. And he says he's got a good idea of how to sneak past it. Oh. Which is why you should be glad you hired him. But also, you have to be careful for the wandering pile of corpse meat that absorbs the bodies that the giant tosses aside. He says it's sentient.

It has many mouths. And it can climb the pillars. And you're going to be jumping from pillar to pillar. Yuck. Say that again about the mouth monster? See? Platforming coming up. Okay, so we go up the pillar. The ones like real close to the door are far enough away from him. He's always like, go on around where you can climb up the pillar and then the pillar's

broken on top. They're all broken on top because he'll go fucking apeshit and he'll swing his hammer around because he broke them. But that means it's good. You can jump from pillar to pillar and he won't see you. You just have to be quiet while you do it or the corpse

meat will climb up a pillar and devour you. How far apart are the pillars? Ah! Tenish feet. Ten? You can jump ten feet? I mean, I have. I don't know if it's a good idea, like, generally

recreationally, but... All right. Lord. Well, let's do it. This guy over here. Gives big sums up like you drew on the map. There's gotta be another way. Well, I'm gonna fly.

Yeah. Oh my god, I wish I had fucking wings. Wait, you can fly? Yeah. Oh, okay. Can I ride on you while you do that? Sure. Thank god I called that. ride on you while you do that sure thank god I called that

do you hear that little guys help me know where to go alright I got you are you just leaving are you just going without us no let's all go you follow me the amount of trust in this group is very lacking

I just mean are you flying into the room with him? Well, not immediately. When we're ready to go, we'll go. The pillars end up ahead, and there is a small stairwell that go down, down, and then you assume back up because you want to go up the mountain. Is that headed towards the room that we're not supposed to go in? No, not yet.

That'll come after the pillars. Got it. That have the bad stuff. To be specific, you've been walking past very mundane damaged pillars, but you're about to approach the pillars of despair murder. Right. Okay.

Is that a hyphenate? Glibbles tells you, as the one who named that area, he is not sure what a hyphen is, but you can put one in if you want. Do we see the chain guy? Do we hear the chains? I do love that he looks very much, to me, like the Jolly Green Giant.

The map, if you're not looking at it um okay a little drawing of a giant on the bottom where the area is so no you don't see him right away i mean you got to go through a doorway and then some so you guys approach with labels this doorway and head down the stairs. It is a long sort of stone hallway full of skeletons. Full of skeletons. And there's again a stairwell up and a door. Glibble says, Alright!

I'll put this real quiet so we're gonna like super quiet door moves. Okay, so we're sneaking? I think you should sneak. Okay. Are we're sneaking? I think we should sneak. Okay. Are we close to the thing? Yeah.

We're like close, close. We're like opening the door. It's a room. It's chained up. Somebody's phone. I think they would figure that out by now. All right. So who's helping this fucking door?

I'll open it. Do a stealth check, please. Best of luck, Juniper. Thank you, Dallytail. Well. Look, Juniper. Thank you, Dallytail. Well. Oh, okay. I do, the stealth, you said?

Uh-huh. I do have a plus seven, so I got a 12. Hey. Total. Okay. So you were eating some celery while you were... It's not the loudest door opening, but you definitely don't realize... You pop bubble wrap as you're walking.

The hinges work better than you were hoping they would. And so you give it a little push and it very quickly just kind of goes... It opens up and I will now spill out the room. Wow. That's a big candle. Yeah, these are... I'm using re-lightable battery candles as pillars because...

That's a big pillar. How green of you, Dan. This is called Dan's credit card couldn't afford any more pretend toys. No, no, these are awesome. I like using household stuff whenever you can. Gracias. It heightens the toy element to me,

which I love. That's exactly right. Now, here comes the fun shit. So there's the pillars, and here comes Mike Lindell. First of all, here's Glibbles. Which, thank you Hero Forge for allowing me to make Glibbles. There he is.

That's cool. So he is going to be back here with y'all. I'm going to trust you guys to move him around while he is slightly out of my arm reach. And then you see this chained to the middle of the room. Yeah, he's big.

It's too big. I don't like how big that is. Dan, do you have any smaller figures? Nope. I hate him. Dan, that seems to be from the six inch scale of figures. That's the wrong It sure of figures. That's the wrong thing. It sure isn't.

It's the wrong. It is kit bashed. It is. Is that his boob? It's open. No, these are chains that are chaining his feet. So you can see. That was your first guess.

You know, once a turd, always a turd. I mean, it is Mount Dukes. There are a couple little torches. Yes, he's got a little drinking flask. Blaine, what's your Glimbles review of the Mini? Large head. So good for TV it's got a little

skater haircut made of green and a flagging of probably some sort of refreshing goblin cocktail I'm gonna say he did ask for beers as part of his arrangement he's got a giant sword like he's in

an anime. And the cape will get pulled into a jet engine later. More of a cape-let. It is. It's like a shoulder, like one side shoulder cape. Like the Mandalorian. Well, no, no. He's got a long cape.

And, yeah, as the door opens, it makes a very quiet but notable and uh glibbles flinches the attention doesn't seem to immediately be drawn by a giant but he is kind of like pivoting back and forth yeah he has really bad hearing yeah we decided we all decided he had bad hearing you're told he's insane so he's's crazy. Can we play it for us? He's bonkers nanas, and he is potentially going to hear you. Well, Dan, just so you know, I think we've all decided

he didn't recharge the batteries on his hearing aids. Yeah, he totally can't hear us. He knew it was January, but he just didn't do it yet. Look, this is how it's going to work this season. We're telling you how it's going. Weird. like this is gonna work this season we're telling you how it's going weird yeah i was i was uh i was expecting to ask you to roll dice but it sounds like you're just gonna dictate oh yeah like you're totally wichamatic this is like a giant whack-a-mole right so it's gonna be fine guys i hate him i hate him i'm glad

i'm flying don't't yogurt. Go good. So you are raising up off the ground. And now how long does flight last? Your spell fly. As long as I want. Really? It's going to last. I like this new can.

All right. 10 minutes. 10 minutes. Glibbles hops on your back. Are we climbing the pillar? You have no plan. I will. I will I will

Glimples is actually going to I'll give you a freebie. Glimples without having to roll a stealth automatically silently goes because he knows he just We want to maybe make a plan before we just fucking run in there. I thought we were climbing up the pillar.

Well, yeah, but we don't have a marching order or whatever the fuck. Can he... You even said out loud how you're going to climb the pillar. You're the one who said we had to climb the pillar. Are the pillars so tall that it's...

I think I've provided much guidance. Why do we have to travel through the pillars? We have to go past this room. This is a room, the only room that leads to the top mountain. Unless somebody has sleep or something. That's the only way to get by him. Are we supposed to go by...

You can just kill him. Taller than he is? Is that what you're saying? You could try to fly over him. Or we could try to sneak correct just his suggestion was you could do this um but i will remind you he said one of the reasons you do this is because it's less likely you'll be seen by the flesh monster who can climb pillars but he says is usually on the ground picking up corpses can we what if we just run how long how? How far? How wide is this? And the flesh monster? That's not the flesh monster. Nope.

That is the giant. There are two bad guys. One you see, one you don't. Aren't we all flesh monsters in the end? You see the giant. You do not yet see the flesh monster. What if one of us sneaks in a bit and waits to spot where the flesh monster is? That way we don't just run into it.

The room is 70 feet long. I say I go in with Globble, since he knows the room. And we try and spot the flesh monster and come back out. All right. All right. He opens the door again. No sound. Let's go.

You can sort of guide me. He points up to the corner up here uh-huh and as to say fly me up there okay and i think i'll try to stay behind the pillar great can i get a perception check with advantage please yes you can huzzah You can. Huzzah. That's a... I think I'm going to use the other number. Oh, no. Glibbles is not rolling. He's giving you advantage. Well, that was a six and a seven, so I'll take the seven.

You see the giant continuing to look over here as if he heard something over here, so you think that is potentially him looking for noise the corpse sucker eater devourer mate but like um yeah he glibbles also i would say he's described it to you as

this like shuffling mass of of humanoid uh skin muscle classic dantel for shit did he just drop by in a 4x4 roll to roll coal uh classic Dan Telfer shit. Did you just drop by in a 4x4? Roll to roll call. Let's

continue. What does continue mean to you? Go ahead to the next pillar. Okay. In the direction global tells me. Another perception check. As you go here, you're kind of staying behind them to

avoid getting another with advantage all right oh boy these dice are great uh 12 you still do not see the flesh monster but he is continuing to look in that corner and he's like waving the hammer around. Okay. Like nervously almost. Like he's winding it up or something. Maybe he'll kill the flesh monster. We could have just run through, see? It's not such a crazy idea. Well.

You hear, only you hear this pish posh, but you hear a little. Coming from? Right about here. Oh, okay. I look at Glibble and see what what he thinks is it a whippoorwill he he nods he's like okay so let's head back kind of wincing like gross like it's like a gross face like it's over there pointing so we'll head back okay the torch by the near the torch yeah now that you are flying uh paint a visual for the people listening. Halfway across the room, I am going to ask you to do a stealth check.

And we'll take pictures of this stuff, of course. Nine. Oh, my goodness. Was that me? Sam fell out of his chair. I'm looking at your miniature. Is that a cape? You also have a cape? Yes.

So you just kind of like... Yeah, because capes are fucking cool. You make a hard turn in the corner of the room as you fly around and both yours and Glimble's capes kind of make a ruffling, windy noise. And the giant goes

and looks at you. Turning up to speed. All right. You fly out quickly, and you hear him stomping towards the door. All right. Do you keep it shut? Giant incoming.

Or do you keep it open? I close that door. Okay. Yeah, let's close that door. You close the door, and immediately the stomping stops as if he has a two-year-old's object permanence. Ah, that's good.

He's got really bad shirt term, but he got like that far. Hey, Dan, can I ask you a question? Did you say that the giant is undead or not undead? I mean, this has not come up at all. Well, if it was ever within 30 feet

of Ken, his little helmet would glow right the helmet did not glow okay okay uh i will let ken do an insight check if he wants to guess what the fuck it was i will actually i will let you choose you can do insider history uh same bonus okay ken loads history it's a giant and a mind flayer together seven it's a giant flayer well you got a seven so you might want to just talk amongst yourselves if you really want to it's a mind fliant yeah

can I use my lore oh shit that's right what's your lore thing again what language did it speak um it just kind of growled it didn't know it I'm looking up the description again but it's something like we don't know it's a little glittery

it's got some glittery on its back I like it I'm just she's loading D&D behind well I'm looking at my sheet but the sheet is so disorganized but you remember it was like i have a thing yeah i know it's good

and like i think it was part of your background yes uh lore what is it called the lore feet i don't think it was a feet okay or okay i'm looking somebody else do something while i look it up

yeah i would like to dan it's just i look it up yeah i would like to dan it's just hard to look up yes i would like to prepare a uh a whole person spell okay uh um i would tell you this hang on because it is a humanoid um no it is not it is it is a giant type I had something to add while we're fingering the giant is a different

type than humanoid unfortunately yes when it comes to traveling I have through my ranger training the ability to make an area around us so very quiet. So when it comes time to travel,

if we all stay close, I can give us, I believe it's plus 10. It's a pass without a trace. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's really good. How long does pass without a trace last? Let me write it real fast. I'm about to have, like, Ken's flight in a couple...

I mean, I'd say, Ken, for your ten minutes of flying that you've maybe had it running for, like, eight minutes at this point. Pass Without Trace. Each creature you choose within 30 feet of you has a plus ten bonus to dexterity. Stealth checks. Can't be tracked except

by magical means. Leaves no tracks or traces of its passage. Wow. Concentration up to one hour. Great. That's what the dungeon master cares about. How much, how long does it last? The lore was part of my background. Sage, feature, researcher.

When you attempt to learn or recall a piece of lore, so I don't know if this counts as lore, but if you don't know it, I often know where and from whom I could obtain that information. Like I would be able to be like, oh, that's in the library of, you know, so. I will, I will tell you that what you saw of it definitely made you think it was some sort of massive ceremony. Oh. Which is, which is what happens, what, what you call a you call a a mind flare in a technical sense um you did get a a vibe from this thing that it's not like a normal giant was it the squid face that gave it away it's from a different plane of existence

you think oh so maybe their fashion is a little different. I think your background would say that. This is something you would probably have to... How specific? I think it's not that. To me, it's this thing of like, I worked in a research library.

It's another plane of existence. It's a giant type being. And also because we fight monsters for villagers and things like that. Yeah. So some kind of a giant from another dimension has been turned into a mind flayer by glut. Oh. And has been chained up as a guardian of her egg mountain. Can I ask you sort of a general background question?

Yeah. How often would you say is it like is it common or uncommon for us to run across things from other dimensions as opposed to you know just the regular monstrosity of everyday life oh it's pretty uncommon okay for you guys on nerd poker or like yeah or within this world i just want to get within this world um you were told that there might be like portals or rifts into other dimensions

within this particular mountain, Mount Dukes, and that it was part of why this place was rumored to be haunted. You haven't seen anything yet, but I would say from Juniper sharing this, you might go, oh, okay,

so there's some rift this may have come out of and then turned into a mind flare the dragon might have access to other planes of existence and uh those rifts are a result of the dragon doing things but we don't think that for uh like a giant cerimorph exists in another dimension and just came through as is no i would especially because of Sarah's background, you would know that this is not its normal state of being. Interesting. It was taken from wherever it lived

as some sort of giant being and turned into this. The mouth is reminiscent of Sarah Morse's squid mouth. Perhaps we should put it out of its misery. It sounds like a wild boar. I think it's more of a mind flayer. Oh. What if we try to sneak using your pass without trace on the other side from where the flesh monster is, but we have a plan for if it sees us, then we try to take it down. Maybe there's a way when we decide to open the door to even try and get it to look away from us.

Distraction. and get it to look away from us. Distraction. I have a, uh, I have duplicity where I can cast an image of myself, uh, 30 feet away. Perfect.

And, you know, sort of use that as a make your, yeah, make yourself run over here and then we'll go that. And then we run the other way and then kill the thing with the mouths. Or just ignore both of them and try to get to the other side. Um, there is a sudden explosion

sound it sounds like something was uh fired against the wall near the door and there is a just a explosion of rock that you can't see because the door is closed but it seems like something was thrown fired against the wall as if reacting to the sounds of you talking i'm going to peek through the keyhole okay like a cartoon it is like right here kind of looking confused like it doesn't know what's happening but it's followed this maybe your sounds sorry i was looking up something. What was cast on it? Nothing. Something hit the wall. It's waiting outside the door. It did something that smashed the wall inside of its room.

It's within 60 feet of us, right? Now it is, yes. I'd like to... I was thinking, guys, of casting darkness on it so it can't see. And even if it has dark vision, it can't break through it.

And it lasts like 10 minutes and then can fly people by them or we can run past it. If you have past the trace and darkness, yeah. Yeah. What a wonderful idea. Let's do it. You can do this and you can make like enchiladas. This is terrific.

Vegan. Gesundheit. do this and you can make like enchiladas this is terrific vegan alright so you guys are good I have wings too but I'm trying to figure out like buffalo wings I don't have wings but according to well the character that I built.

It's an infernal. Yeah, it's totally fine. Yeah, so. But right now, I just want to cast darkness, and then I can fly too, but. You can, you, we have to kind of look that up. We still haven't had, like, a discussion about it, but you are a tiefling.

Tieflings can have wings. I think they typically don't work. I got to look up my resources on this a tiefling. Tieflings can have wings. I think they typically don't work. I gotta look up my resources on this a little bit. And yeah, I know you picked it and it's fine. They look really cool. I'm running with it. It's fine. And with this plan, I don't think we need to fly. No, I don't need to either.

As long as we do darkness and then we go the opposite direction and we just book it. Imprisoning me. If we do darkness and the distraction and the past without a trace and you know the distraction might end up being like just chuck a rock once once the darkness is cast yeah yeah well you all start readying your spells and crouch by the door and as you're about to open the door and begin your scheme the action pauses and we'll have to

find out how it goes on episode four you think damn god damn it you did that on purpose yes i mean when i started to see it happening uh sam what do you think happened oh god oh lord somebody's a little uh yep sorry guys so episode 67 we met a wonderful silly little goblin man who led us into a room with a giant giant pillars and you say episode 67 yeah oh oh we don't only you count the episodes this way okay sorry episode three it's so different. Well, let me make a note. It's okay. All right, episode three. We met a wonderful, silly little goblin man named Gibbles

who led us into a room with giant pillars and a giant flesh monster. We're trying to figure out what the giant creature is, and now we're trying to figure out what to do with it. Cool. Yeah. Anybody got anything they want to plug? Once this is like this is probably not going to go out

yeah like middle-ish end-ish of Fed cool I've got some stuff on brianpersain.com can't even think I maybe I'll be in Philly that week come see me in Philly or St. Louis at the end of

doing those winery places. It's become a big chain. It's called City Winery or whatever. A couple of those coming up. I've got Kansas City the first week of March. I will be at their Comic-Con in Kansas City, Missouri. And then I'm also doing a week at the Kansas City Comedy Club there and then JT Haversand is coming with me

and then I've got a Seattle show coming up with the cool theater down by the college you know the place Maritime themed yes yeah that one

the maritime yeah that one yeah and then i've got uh johnny taylor and derrick sheen together

on that show so that'll be fun when is this hill show good time uh that's in march cool

uh and then comic books coming up image comics brianpussain.com all that anybody else yeah uh if uh you are bored a month

after seeing brian i will be headlining the upper left comedy festival in seattle cool so keep an eye out for that that's cool um and then if you're around los angeles i'm trying to record a special next year i haven't done one of those before, just albums. So I'm going to be running my hour probably mostly at the Glendale Room, but maybe around town, LA in general. And my friend Holly Brown and I are going to start a monthly stand-up show at Bigfoot Lounge and at Water Village.

So I would love if anyone came to those things. Right on, Blaine. We attribute success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well...

On the next Nerd Poker, lightning strikes Brian's fleshlight, not once, but twice, achieving the flesh singularity. Can Herb Schwartz stop it before it takes over the Earth? All this, and Herb Schwartz gets engaged to be fucked on an all-new Herb Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. I'm I'm I'm