Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 4

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

It is time to traverse The Pillars of Despair Murder! The plan to jump from pillar to pillar unseen obviously fell apart long ago, but Glibbles the goblin is unafraid to lead the group anyway. Hammers will fall, and so will humanoids clinging for dear life.  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam engineer sam and of course our kick-ass dm dan telfer welcome to nerd poker hey everybody it's pride to say that's not hot at all you're listening to nerd poker and uh we've become a smooth jazz channel on sirius xm so enjoy some smooth jazz uh it's episode four of the mountain campaign or season six if you're nasty i'm gonna say it till people hate it and then say it like six more times and then stop for one time and then bring it back for four more times and then don't say it for three times brian what's that chart you're reading bring it back the smooth jazz chart my My friends are here.

All of them. Every friend I have in life. Dan. Hey. We did you first last time, so let's do that again. It worked. You want to see my smooth jazz? No.

Ken's here. Oh, yeah. Yeah, buddy. so good to see you Brian mm-hmm Sarah hey that's just good jazz boys

I'm glad you're doing that callback though because you know what they say that like stuff is funnier in ones and fours and then three off and then two again and then four back that's the rule

and then one everyone knows that rule. I got a shirt that says it. Anyway, Chris is here. I just pointed at you first. That's all right. Toss it to you. We're doing morning radio. I'm letting you know that I'm traffic.

The 501 is packed. The 501? That's the local highway. Levi's pants are packed. Yep. Well, at Bucky Fly, That's the local highway. Your nice pants are packed. Well, that button fly, it's built to hold. Wearing them down. So good to have all of you back at the end of the table.

What's up, sweet children? Hello, sweet children. Sam's here, everybody. He's here. What's your dog doing? He's been pooping in my apartment no I think she's like or he's watching

like the fishing channel or doing something kind of interesting do you ever put on like lo-fi girl on YouTube on your TV and like just have some is that like tub girl god I hope not I don't know what either one of those

things are. It's just an animation of a girl. Oh, well, Tub Girl is... It's going to be gross. Dane is here. Stay tuned for my smooth jazz interview with Mahavishnu Orchestra coming up after Nerd Poker. Oh my goodness. That's as smooth as it gets.

Oh, that was smooth. That's more like chunky jazz stir only i wrote a sketch once that we did with the higgins boys and it was uh a morning zoo type show during the reporting the apocalypse like the apocalypse is happening but it's done from four idiots telling you about the dude. Flush. That's going to really happen.

It was really fun. I bought a morning zoo. Yes. What was the apocalypse game show on Mitchell and Webb look? Do you remember what I'm talking about? Was that Channel 101 or something? No, Mitchell and Webb. Oh, I don't know.

Was it like number wang it was like number wang but it was like we were we are in a bunker and the world is ending and the prize is like you won't get as radiated as the other two contestants yeah number one was very funny we should thank the listeners and get into the game we're gonna think cool shit's happening oh boy oh boy i'm gonna smoosh you with a hammer and it's episode four. I want to thank patron supporters at our two highest tiers. We are grateful for all of you. Those of you at the $5 tier get bonus episodes.

And those of you at the other high tiers get shout outs with usernames that are weird as fuck. Usually we got a great club. You guys go out of your way to get so weird. I really appreciate it. Good. Thank you, Shane. Thank you you big trouble in little donkey land thank you natural 22 if i have to explain i'm sending money to the wrong podcast thank you jj lee thank you uh there's no spaces in this drunken pixie motherfucker 69 oh my i decided to give my number that's my number

thank you George Cost Anza thank you Potato thank you Albert Keistein thank you two crows eating a dead rat aww they probably knew him thank you Roger Hurst thank you Matthew Fruith and finally

thank you a biblically accurate angel with 20,000 fingers up its 10,000 asses. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us? Patreon supporters brought to us by Diet Crab Rangoon Roll-Ups. The great taste of crab rangoon with half the legs. Put it in your lunchbox. Diet Crab Rangoon Roll-Ups. And got to fall down something? Nothing beats a flight of stairs

Flight of stairs From the makers of Wells And a rabbit hole about Stanislaw Lem Dan? Thank you, Blaine Can I get a little smooth jazz drums and bass line going? Last time on Nerd Poker Our heroes went

into Mount Dukes hoping they could go steal some dragon eggs. They got up to a room with their new friend, Glipples the Goblin. There's a big old giant on the other side of this door. He's got a squid face. It's real, real wild

times on the other side of this door, you guys. Oh, boy. He's on the snicker. Someone's doing a high school marching band. I like to make a lot of eye contact and not actually sing during my smooth jazz. And we now take you to the podcast. Already tooting.

Oh, my goodness. So you guys were about. You've scouted the room. We're going to start doing the smooth jazz just keep it going the whole podcast that's triggering for some reason for Sarah so you guys have already scouted the room out

and unfortunately a little hoof of your capes that would be glibbles and pish posh yeah got the attention of the squid face giant it's chained to the floor um and so it cannot quite smash the door but it is sort of waiting for you it lost track of you after you went through the door but it's occasionally hearing

you guys talk on the other side of the door, so it's pretty focused on that area. It's having a hard time continuing to focus because its mind is gone. It did not... You would maybe think Sarah, given your lore background, it did not go through the Seramorph process well.

And when it was... The Seramorph process. It's very different. So it is a little bonkers. It's a theramorph process. It's very different. So it is a little bonkers. It's right by the door. That's the hard part. You have a great plan, which is to cast Darkness, use Pass Without a Trace, and

create a distraction on the opposite side from what you're sneaking past. It's right there, so you're going to need to either break right or break left. You did think, from scouting the room, that right over going to need to either break right or break left. You did think from scouting the room that right over here, which would be your right, my left, there may be a meat monster

that sucks up all the corpses the giant throws aside. Perhaps when you choose which side you're going to run down, you would create the distraction on the side with the meat monster. That is what I took away from your plan and I'm reciting it again for y'alls. I'm imagining like a flesh

Roomba. Is that pretty accurate? Do you want to ask for a dance? Yeah, like a big I'm imagining a large. It's like a flesh light that sucks. I'm imagining like five feet wide. It's pretty tall. It's got like big snake mouths.

So not really like a room by then. No. It'll like eat the corpse and then get bigger. Oh. No. Did your friends make it past here? Yeah, we made it all the way to the top.

And then that demon was friends with my friend Lily to teleport everybody to another plane of existence. And is this the same plan your friends used? No, we jumped from pillar to pillar like I told you. You did do that.

Another day then. Let's go. Yeah, we didn't make a bunch of fucking noise. Just kidding. I don't like you guys. I'm just trying to razz you. Bust your balls. We haven't done it yet. Let's go. Alright, let's go. I thought Sam made a noise.

I just looked at him and it freaked everybody out. It got real intense. Sam wants us to go. Yeah, okay. Wrap it up again. So, how long does darkness last? Brian, Brian? 10 minutes. wrap it up again. So, how long does darkness last? Does it stay on your sheet?

Brian, Brian? Ten minutes. Until Frankie Poulain quits. That is, of the two spells you're casting, the shorter amount of time. There's a one hour on Pass Without a Trace, which you're tossing up now, right? Oh, sorry. Christopher Rankin-Bass

Tallman. I forgot i wasn't uh speaking when i wasn't speaking uh it lasts for 10 minutes concentration okay two 10 minutes what was it one hour oh that was uh i was 10 minutes concentration up to one hour what was the okay that's okay that's what i was okay yes that's if you want to cast lens crafters. Oh! We asked about an hour. Alright, so Brian, Mordecai, as soon as the door opens is going to cast it, right? And then wait, where someone's going to throw something over here, or

are you going to do the... That makes sense because you can't see the distraction. Excuse me, sorry. What's going to happen is we're going to do the thing and then initiative's going to happen. Well, we should just decide who's throwing what. You get one surprise move and then initiative happens after. So you can throw something, but it's going to happen. Well, we should just decide who's throwing what. You get one surprise move and then initiative happens after. So you can throw something, but it's going to be somebody's turn. No, no, no. I'm just saying

we should plan. We're going to cast darkness. Somebody has to throw a pebble or whatever. Correct. Who's a good thrower? Maybe you, Juniper. You seem to have the arms of a true hero. That's so nice. Thank you. I got your arm.

You're a guide. Oh. Okay, so I'll pick up a rock and get ready to throw after darkness is cast. Okay, I cast it. Okay, you kick it open. Darkness envelops the area around the giant.

Everybody roll for initiative. Pass it out. And this time I'm ready. 15 plus 3, 18. Yeah. Okay. 21. Great. Keep the hits coming.

Also 18. I'm just doing a respectable 11, Dan. Okay. Actually, mine is 19 because i forgot to say that my my rare thing that i got was a ring that's helping me out there so oh cool oh yeah we still got to talk about our magical gift oh no it's 18 yeah we do have to talk about it's 18 okay what is i'm sorry it's 18 it's 18 i messed messed everything up. Mea culpa, I am the worst. Who was the 21?

That was me. Blaine and Sarah, what are your dexterity scores? Mine's a 16. Her initiative is higher than mine. I was wrong. What is your dexterity scores, please? 18.

You're going to be 18.1 on the initiative. 18.1, so you're going to be 18.1 on the initiative, sir. 18.1 La Raza. So, and then we've... So far it's Ken, Sarah, and Brian. Brian, what'd you get? Mordecai is 15. Great.

And then who had the 11? Was that Chris? Yes. Okay. And then we're the 11-net, Chris? Yes. Okay. And then we're going to get from the little one second. Let's meet the little.

For whatever reason, my tab's closed, so I just need to pull his character sheet up real quick. Oh, rude. It is rude. Fucking chrome. And then we're going to have this guy roll right now. Hi to Mike, by the way.

I'm a fan at the Disney event at the studios. Oh, cool. Hi, Mike. What was the event at Disney Studios? Christmas at the Disney Studios. Giant rolled a 23 on his initiative. That sucks.

That's higher than ours. Yeah. Do you have a ring of initiative lowering of other people? Nope. Unfortunately, no. Damn. I should put that in. If you're listening, ring of initiative lowering of other people nope unfortunately now damn the ring of protection if you're listening uh put that in the game just get a ring of fire and just give the people who make the people the people's dad guy gags that really goes to wow uh the internet is being super pokey you internet right now so i'm just gonna roll i know it is dex's

your internet right now so i'm just going to roll i know it is dex's physical dice ah that part's easy thank you okay uh glibble's got a 14. i love this one the spinal tap oh yeah it's all black none more black no more black when's that coming out to me spinal trap no yeah with this guy's though yeah yeah and mick jagger and paul mccartney i just i just went to go see them rehearse you over christmas right awesome yeah my friend his twitter friends with michael mccann and she came here from london and he reached out to her and she texted me she's like hey do you want to go see spinal tap rehearse and i was like yes i do it was incredible i bet wow can i

get you guys to uh tell me what your marching order is i i want to say we talked about what it would typically be but i don't have i think we talked about if it was going to be two by two but this but this one is this more single filey if we're trying to yeah it seems like this might want to reflect our initiative. If you do single-file, you'll be able to squeeze past him easier. And also, don't we all need to be within a certain amount of space of you, though? Yes.

How close do we have to be? You should be in the middle. I believe it's 30 feet. We're really in the middle. We're really in the middle. Does the goblin want to go first since he's been through the room before? Yeah yeah i'll do it yeah you have to be within 30 feet okay he's also easy uh glibbles is a fighter so he's capable of

of taking a couple of smacks all right and i'm not carrying glibbles anymore can be at the back i'll be up i'll be up there is this you you? Yeah. I'll be up there. Okay. I'm the cool. All right, Dan. So we got Glimbles and then Mordecai, if he's all right with that. No, not Mordecai. Where is Mordecai? Where is Mordecai? I'm using this. Oh, you are?

Oh, gosh. Then you can be back here. Okay. I'm Pish Posh. So Glimbles, Brian. It's a Lego, everybody. That road's made of me. Glimbles, Pish Posh,

Dallytail. Dally, Dallytail. Brian, and then Sarah. And then me, and then Brian, and then Blaine. Sorry. Got it. Kitty cat. Remember talking over each other, everybody? Yeah.

Oh, Blaine. Actually, I think it's a little easier though because we were talking over each other in zoom but we couldn't tell because it would

mute the other oh yeah think of all the amazing comedy that was lost it was funny listening to the first two episodes

in the car on the way over here because it was like all of our banter was quicker but I was so nervous I could hear myself just

being like like venting through the barren character who was a nervous teenager just being like and then I was so nervous I could hear myself just being like venting through the Baron character who is a nervous teenager just being like and then I was like okay well I gotta enjoy this so pulling Glibbles up but yeah I got the

marching order ready to go and up first is the giant so Glibbles is gonna get killed step through well he is encased in darkness. Yes. Oh, this changes, though, the plan for me to throw something. If I wasn't allowed to already, then it definitely should be whoever starts through the door.

Sure. Glimbles said he could throw. And Mike just disintegrated. It's very embarrassing. I know. The thing flew up. I think my cord bumped it. I've gone to the stairs.

This has never happened to me before. That's so pretty crazy i think your mic disintegrating is like it must be the whiskey um all right so he is the giant is going to smash at the doorway and he's going to miss because nobody is there. But

all of you feel the ground tremble violently. We feel the earth move under our feet. The sky's tumbling down. Tumbling down. And what's happening that is pretty much

gonna do it I mean like for the episode yeah we're done didn't even make them weird what happened well the door opened he's only got one attack for his move so that is that is his turn.

Good to know. One attack, everyone. Ken, you're up. What? I don't know what to do. Is Gribbles just standing and blocking the doorway? Gribbles is going to throw the rock, yeah. He will, but he's not...

Gribbles is in the middle. He's near the end of the initiative order. That's your marching order, but that's mostly for the doorway, right? This is more about placement at the beginning of the initiative order. That's your marching order. But that's mostly for the doorway, right? This is more about placement at the beginning of the game. This is like when you enter combat. So I wrote this down for future reference for when we start combat.

More than how you're going to do this. So you can throw the rock if you want, Ken. Clipple's throwing a rock. It's not my turn yet! You do it! Okay, hand me the rock. Here! Oh shit, I dropped it. Anyway. It's too white turkey! Okay. You do it! Okay, hand me the rock. Here! Oh, shit, I dropped it. Anyway. Oh, God.

Okay, it's too dark in here. You cast darkness. I can't find the rock. And that in front of us. Oh, wait, there it is. Okay. Are you going to chuck the rock? Chuck it.

All right, athletics trick, please. I don't know how my athletics is. Which side are you chucking it, please? To the right. Yeah, because that's the things here. Yeah. They're right. Yeah, because that's the things here. Yeah. They're right. Athletics.

Here we go. What the hell? I'm going to use a lucky. With my feet. Yeah, dude. Oh my god. Don't call me dude. You can use my dice next time if you want

I don't know that they're any better but lucky again you don't think they're any better this is gonna be fucking awesome 15 excellent so you're gonna be able to chuck it over here and get it kind of like between the pillars

chuck it over here but we'll make it loud noise to crack Get it kind of like between the pillars. Nice. Check it over here, baby. And we'll make a loud noise. Crack. Crack. I'm going to now ask you to also, because you're trying to create a distraction, do a deception check. I'm sorry?

Do a deception check? A deception check. Yes, a deception check, please. My app has gotten slow deception okay that is a 15. all right my dentures are slipping so you're not sure what happened but that's how effective your deception was cool are you going to use any of your movement your deception wants. Cool.

Are you going to use any of your movement? Yeah. Now that he's distracted, what? Wait, my deception worked, yes? You have no idea because it's pitch black on the other side of this door. Oh my god, I don't know. Yeah, I'm gonna go this way.

Okay, so you have, what, 30 feet? Sure. So, let's see. But don't go too far because you need to stay within 30 feet? Sure. So, let's see. But don't go too far because you need to stay within 30 feet. That is exactly where you should be. That's exactly where you should be. Okay, so I'm good? Yeah, unless you got a bonus action or something. I probably do, but

you know. Alright. We'll get there. We'll get there. Yeah. Up next in the turn order is Sarah. So I'm just going to follow. I'm confused, I guess, about how initiative works if we all need to stay within 30 feet of... I know. Shouldn't we all just move?

Shouldn't we all just move in now? The stealth is going to be an automatic success as long as you are within range of Dallytail. Okay. Well, then I just move 30 feet. Okay. Yes. No, I'm... Yeah, I don't care. He's in darkness, So it is just, it's just plain impossible role wise for him to detect you unless you bump

him or make a, uh, make a fart. Yeah. Make a choice. I'll say that. I choose to park. Oh,

I'm going to pad right in here. Pad, pad, pad, pad, pad. And then of course, after that is Brian,

you're going to do the same thing. Yes. 30 feet up in there? Yeah. Great. And then Glimmets is joining. Who's the guy in the way back? Squirrely.

I think that's me. Oh, yeah. Delay tail sharp. Thimble. Sharp twig. He's a foot and a half tall. I like sharp thimble. That's fun. Yeah. He's gonna

step five feet outside of Pass Without a Trace, so he is going to roll a stealth check. Who stepped five feet outside? Who did? Glittles. You don't know. What a fucking idiot. Why is he guiding us?

Why did I tell him to guide us? He's in darkness. He's trying. He can't measure 30 feet in darkness. Glibbles. All right. He got a 15. Good.

Good job, Glibbles. Chris, you're up. I cast Pass Without a Trace. I will move 30 feet following my friends. If somebody can move me. Tell Gimble to stay with us. 15, 20.

So you're kind of like right type. Excuse me. I don't have to run to the front. I'm fine following the crowd. I think as long as you stay with him you should be in the middle. Okay. Okay. Like be on somebody's shoulders. Yeah, I think as long as you stay within, you should be in the middle. Okay. Okay. Like be on somebody's

shoulders. Yeah, I'm kind of thinking like we could even just have like one hand Yeah, like a train. Like a salsa. Like one step beyond. And then something mysterious takes its turn and it is the giant's

turn once again. You're not well educated. Specials, right? Madness. Madness. This is the heavy, heavy monster sound. The nutsy sound around. If you come in off the street,

you'll be getting to feel the heat. He's smashing the ground blindly in front of him with disadvantage. Did he hear that? Does it seem like he heard the sound at all? No. Oh, okay. It does not seem because he is not striking in Glibble's direction. He's striking right where he struck.

No, but this sound over here of the rock that got thrown. Not yet, no. The rock does not seem to have immediately gotten his attention. He doesn't smell what the rock is cooking. He doesn't hear what the rock is noising.

Here's the thing. There's darkness you have no idea. So all here's the thing. There's darkness. You have no idea. So all you know right now is a hammer is coming down. Who is that right in front of that? This guy? That's the tabaxi. That's blep?

Bleep is right here. What is your AC blep? My AC is 15. Okay, great. So with disband disadvantage he got a 12 on his attack so he's gonna miss as he smashes just barely missing you okay my tail is gonna puff up all right

of course no one can see it but it's pretty classic I know it's buffed up I also want to point out that the figures can't all stand on one square but like some of these characters probably can share space, right? Because so he he might be farther along, you know, farther. Folks, you can't do this on Roll20 where we spend forever talking about where your little toy is standing. But that is very relevant because of your very complex plan.

They're not toys, they're miniatures. No, they're minis. Excuse me. God damn it. So up next toys, they're miniatures. No, they're minis, excuse me. God damn it. So, up next is Ken. Hi. Hi. Just for the fuck of it,

I'm going to cast Acid Splash at the darkness. Oh, no. I know generally what direction it is. Yeah, but you're still going to, it's a spell attack, right? Mm-hmm. Disadvantage. It's a cantrip, I don't know if that, uh, it's a spell attack, right? Disadvantage. It's a, it's a canthrope.

I don't know if that matters. And it gets a big radius, but at the same time, pretty funny. It is. That was a, uh, wow. I mentioned this damage. I got a acid roller spitting at you out of no warning whatsoever. This is an intriguing move by Ken. He's really 14. This is a by Ken. That's a 14.

This is a left field. He's a detective. Yeah. Alright. So, you don't know what happens. That's a deck saving throw. 14. Oh, for him?

Yes. Oh, I thought it was a spell attack. I asked and thought I was told. I just looked it Yes. Oh. I thought it was a spell attack. I asked and thought I was told. I just looked it up. Okay. He got a 25. Didn't hit him, then. No.

Forget about that damage. I'll continue moving. Damn. Okay, so move your person. That's not a... Not a what? What do you want to call it? When he hits me when I'm moving past him.

Opportunity tag? No, not in darkness where he doesn't really know where you are. We're staying on the inside or the outside? Inside, I think. Or no, outside. Outside for more distance. There's an upside and downside. I call that inside. What is the range or what is the width

of the darkness? 50 feet. 50? So it's going to be like here. 60? 120. Yeah. Does the darkness move with him? This is the digital...

I think it was cast on him, yes. Well, yeah, but I need to know how big the cube is of darkness. If it's on him, then it moves with him. It is 60 feet. Wait, 60 feet is the range. It's a 15-foot cube, so it's not very big. It is three squares,

nine cubes. It's basically him. Yes. Yeah, I can't have them cubes. It's basically him. Yes. Yeah, I can't. I'm meant to cast it on him. Stay away from the darkness. All right, Ken, you can see after he swung, he moved. And you guys couldn't tell where exactly. But he's over here now okay if i can telepathically let you know can you do a

perception check i can may i i love your manners ken thank you see your manners also uh what am i doing perception yeah that's a big old 18. you see behind the pillar uh-oh the stinkle coming to the legs no what that's nothing like a room bath oh dear oh god what oh my god there like dogs hanging off of it? That's the thing. Grody. Now, this is a pre-painted one that I decided was not well-painted enough. So, I gave it detail.

I've glossed it so it looks like sinewy muzzle. It was like just hard rubber. Yuck. And had a lot of fun. After all that work, we're going to fucking kill it. It looks a little bit like the walk through heart at the Franklin Institute it does what's it called Dan

it is called fucking think from another way a flesh meld flesh meld it is what happens when a bunch of gibbering mouthers merge it's like a rat kick with gibbering mouthers.

He'll say, we've been one of us. Or will that do it for your turn, Ken? Yeah, I hate it. Okay. Sarah, you're up. Like a lot of the good villains in this game, it's fucked. I hate it.

I'm going to, you know, keep on trucking this way. Right on. Can I get a stealth check please? But I didn't need one because I... Oh, right. But you are

still in Pasadena, but not dark. He's not in darkness anymore. So now that you are moving and he is out of darkness, there's a chance. Yeah, you get a plus ten. Wait, who's out of darkness? Sarah. Everybody's out of darkness.

He's out of darkness and Sarah's out of darkness. Oh, he's not taking the darkness with him? The darkness can be cast on a specific spot. You cast it on his belt. I don't think darkness follows him. If you cast it on the fence. I feel darkness spreads from a point you choose for 15 foot radius. I think he picked his head.

It doesn't stick to him though. Shit. Okay. It creates a cloud. Okay. Got it. Oh, wait. Oh, wait.

No, I'm wrong. Liar. I feel like his other character used to do this all the time he cast yeah right and i i my memory is so fucked oh i did have a character that did that darbster stirry yeah if the point you choose is an object you are holding or one that isn't being worn or carried the darkness emanates from the object moves moves with it. But it is being... You cast on him. Yes. And he is moving.

And it's... It has to be an object. Oh, it has to be an object. So it can't be... Or one that isn't being worn or carried. Right. So it doesn't move with that.

No. It wouldn't. Yeah. I'm going to do like one more check because it's very crucial to when people get smushed i feel like we played before that it did move but now the actual yeah the actual rules we're gonna have to retcon the entire campaign from years ago because i can't think of how something would be on it that it wouldn't be classified as worn. Right. Worn or carried. Yeah. Hair. Quick cast on his hair.

An object. Oh. You know, you said belt. It is an object. It can, I think, move with him. But it's being worn. Don't you wear the belt? At the point. You definitely wear a belt. What am I going to do? Food in his stomach.

I wear that belt. You cannot target a creature. Oh, fuck that shit. All right. Well, it's okay. We have a lot of backups here. It's already going the other direction. Yeah, so let's just keep going here. I rolled very badly, but four plus my own seven, so that's an eleven, and then

plus ten, so twenty-one. It does not turn. Good. Alright. Blaine not turn. Good. All right. Blaine, you're up. I'm going to... Sorry. Thank you for apologizing.

I'm going to move over here where everybody else is. Back behind the thing. Stealth checklist. 16 plus 6, 22. No problem. Plus 10. Now, those of you let's potentially retcon up

to Ken, Sarah, and Blaine. Were you guys using your action for anything? No. Do you want to use your action to dash and go farther? I didn't because then I lose the plus 10 and I was worried about that. That is an option.

Because I could have moved 40, but I only moved 30. Yeah, we want to stay close together because of Passerby Trace. I'm so glad I tried to fuck with you. No, thank you. Alright, anything else? Blaine, are you going to... No, I'm going to...

I'm just staying close to everybody else Brian you're up Tinkerbell is here uh same I'm gonna stay with everybody so as you follow through can you actually yeah move them can I get a stealth check from you Brian

just exit the darkness darkness imprisoning me all that I see absolute horror the country version oh shit oh boy

they're so nice they're pretty nice so 1 plus 10 is 11 and then what's your stealth bonus stealth bonus is plusalth bonus is... Still botched, but... Plus two. Oh, boy.

Yeah, he's going to... Luckily, we're all close to you. Is that moving? What does Pass Without a Trace do for that? Plus ten for stealth. He got plus ten. Oh, got it, got it, got it. Still has not enough.

Got it. Reflex. Flex, got it. Got it. Still has not enough. Got it. Reflex. Flex, flex, flex. That's what I miss about being in person. YouTube on people's phone. All right. Shit. So you see that happen, right?

You can use your action if you want. Now, like I was telling everybody and they declined, you could use your action to dash. It's another 30 feet, right? Yeah, I'll do that. Okay. Where, though? The direction y'all were going, maybe? Yeah. He's going to elbow past us to dash? You can also attack. He can go around the far side of the pillar.

Yeah, I'll go around the far side of the pillar. Okay. But the guy can see him now, right? If you start far side of the pillar at the same time as the Wizard of Oz. Well, yeah, you know, Brian, it might be worth noting if you cut through the middle, you will go farther.

Okay, I'll do that. Eh? Shrug emoji. You'll get like this far. Oh. Isn't that far enough? I should just be going this way. It's that or get wedged in the corner. Okay, yeah. Oh. He should just be going this way. I just fell on my own sword.

It's that or get wedged in the corner. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Glimples is up. He goes, fuck! It's a goblin for hooray. He's going to scurry up the pillar.

Scurry up the pillar. Scurry up the pillar. Scurry up the pillar. Is that from the new Bob Marley biography? It really sounds like the Scarlet. I immediately sounded Scarlet. Scurry up the pillar, please don't bring the door is locked, just you and me. I'm going to see them.

He crushes this runs Now on top of the pillar and is going to fire arrows at its eyeballs It's a good idea So so he goes like finding me first is a 10 and a miss second is a 16 and a miss

16 is a miss 16 is a miss yikes yeah chris you're up uh i will how fast is this falling apart do you suppose pretty fast huh yeah pretty fast you had honestly a great opening because you got him to go away from the door right all right and past without trace was a great idea darkness was a great idea it's what and he was like right up in your shit so um how far is it from where i am to that second pillar like just ahead of where brian is five ten fifteen twenty 45 at the base of it 45 so that would leave me if i dash that would leave me because i can climb

that would leave me 15 feet of climbing um i think that seems pretty goddamn dangerous um how about this i will run i'm going to do that but i'm going to do it on the first pillar so i'm going to run to the pillar to the base. Sarah, would you mind moving the guy for me? And you can get to the top with Dash. Great. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll climb up there next to him. I'm not going to move you until you roll.

You have to do an athletics check to climb the pillar. Oh, alright. Fine then. Unless you have some sort of squirrel sticky hands. I have climbing. I can climb the same as I move. It's part of my movement. Oh, never mind. He's a goddamn squirrel.

Is there a phone line he can run across? That's adorable. I wish. Oh, yeah. Climbing speed of 38 feet. You're fine. Great. So that's my whole turn.

But I will similarly line up the guy for a shot next time around. Great. And because Glibbles has got to turn ahead of you, there will be the function, you know, tactically, if he can jump ahead and fire. Oh, great. Cool. Yeah. Taking turns.

Love it. Yes. All right. And then the meat monster. Why does it get so quiet when we talk about the meat monster everybody so that's gross it is it's just not nice i don't like it at least it's better than meeting the fuckers one bit it's got bones it's gonna go i miss red and stimpy and then I did a punch up on that thing.

Oh, meet the Fockers? Yeah. Which one of you came up with Fockers? Brian, can I get a dexterity saving throw? Yes, sir. Brian, that thing's real close to you. What thing? Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, God. I don't like it. Not, God. I don't like it. Not, sir. No, not one bit. 19. Oh, my goodness. Yeah.

You succeed. It goes and tries to swallow you. It snaps its neck like a bird trying to grab a fish. Jesus. Right away. Right away. And then it's going to grab a fish. Right away. And then it's going to bite at you. You'll regret that.

It has like stars on its back. That is a 15 to hit. What's your AC? And a 21 to hit. 12. Oh boy. It's so quiet when I do well. I boy. Okay. Gets so quiet when I do well. I forgot about that. But we're taking it seriously.

I could do some more reports on the Mahavishnu Orchestra for smooth jazz. 23 points of slashing damage. Ow. Jesus. That's with making the save? Excuse me, piercing damage. No, he made the save for the bonus action consume creature.

Copy. This is something else. He got hit with two bites by another one of the mouths. Oh, my God. How many points it was? A million. 23? 23?

23 points of piercing damage. Wow. Okay. I don I like this guy. Boo. Yeah, he's a dick. Now the giant is up. Dick with mouths. The giant is going to go

pick the meat monster up and throw it in the corner. Yeah. He's crazy. Thank God. I was just about to say, you know, we're trying to do a whole new season. I have in my notes, destroy the star's character. He didn't warn us.

TPK was on the table. So he chucks the meat monster over here. TPK what? And then goes. Total party kill. He said that? Transylvania Pizza Kitchen. 30 minutes or less

or your money. Your entire party ready to be seated. And Brian, he leans down. No garlic at my. your entire party ready to be seated and Brian he leans down no garlic on by his face right up to you and just goes and that's the end of his turn

Ken you're up I want to go home where I will let's see where are we where are Brian's house let me look at my spells make monster go away cast spray of cards oh cha-cha yes fuck off so yeah is a um um dex saving throw 14. Okay.

Rolling. Whoa, what the shit? Sorry, it's just... 16. Can you change those meds? Alright, then I will continue on my merry way. Passes him. Okay. Move your 30 feet. Continue on my merry way. As the spray passes him. Yeah. Please move your

30 feet. Alright, guys. Sarah, brace yourself after the mini movement with you. Yeah, I'm braced. I'm gonna get past the next pillar. Yeah, you can scoot the pillar enough to feel fit. Now I'll do this.

Stand and cover. Stand and cover. I'm gonna dash great uh so that is for me 80 feet oh okay um damn you i'm the big the silvery one yeah 80 so 5 10 15, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80. Dang. Crap. Is that whole area open? Yes. So couldn't it, wouldn't I go out where the thing couldn't see me?

That's your choice. Yeah, I think instead of going, I would probably go, but is it open? Like, can I get it out that way? No, no, no. I'm sorry. There is a wall here oh that oh there is a wall there where's the what's the what's on the far well i can't see the door because the pillar yeah okay yeah yeah take me you're gonna stay behind the pillar yeah i don't think i'm gonna go straight out yet so i'm gonna stay right where you had me just now okay in the corner yeah okay Okay. Blaine's up. I can do a thing called feline agility

where I can double my speed until the end of this turn. Great. So I'm going to which is 60. So I'm going to I'm going to try to I'm just going to head as far up towards the pillar.

But like a real cat, then you run back. I'm going to get the zoomies. I'm going to go up on the back of the couch. Is feline agility an action, bonus action? It is a special thing.

I know. When you move on your turn in combat, you can double your speed until the end of the turn. Oh, just once. You can just do it. Great. What else are you going to do? Anything?

I'm also going to hit him with... A pen's a little... Yeah. I'm also going to track litter all over the place. Now I'm going to pull my foot up to my mouth and spread my toes and try to get the litter out of my toes that's your bonus action i'm actually going to hit him with a uh a sacred flame got it and that is uh it's a sacred flame spell attack right that's it's a it's a cantrip uh target must succeed on a dexterity saving throw or take 2d8 radiant damage

uh there's a cantrip right that is uh that is gonna be a 14 what do you need to make what's your spell save dc uh my spell save dc is 14 oh so he just i get a do i get a spell okay he's gonna slide to the side as the radiant flame pops next to him. Boo. Okay. And he's going to go, I'm going to jump up on the bed and make biscuits. Okay. Brian, you're up. I'm going to dash again. Well.

He's within five feet of you. So you've got a choice. You can dash or you can disengage okay uh no i'm gonna disengage and then move your normal 30 feet you're just gonna lose the bonus distance if you disengage but he won't swing at you fuck i'm gonna double swing at his at his legs i'm just gonna uh the The Brian Posehn Mordecai. Alright, roll to attack, buddy. Here we go. So I'm hitting him with the longsword and a battleaxe at the

same time. Chop, chopity, chop, chop, chop. So do I roll for each? Yeah, I must, right? I get a double. I get a second attack, too. Are we dual, right? Yeah. I think, but you... And then I get a double... I get a second attack, too. I get an extra attack.

He's dual wielding? Yeah. Yeah, so I think that... When you dual wield, do you roll for each weapon? Can I see that? It has to be a certain kind of weapon, I think.

Yeah, I think you might have to... Like, you just get... Can I see your sheet? The one you're holding? Top one? Maybe that's not true, actually. I don't know. Yeah.

How is D&D played? Because you can't dual wield a two-handed weapon that requires two hands. He's got a longsword and a battleaxe. Yeah, there's a two-handed weapon and a dual wield. Both of which can be single or dual.

Okay. You can pick one for each attack, but you don't get to roll both each attack. You get two attacks, so you can swing with one than the other. But I can't dual wield? Well, you're dual wielding, you just can't swing both arms at the same time twice. Oh, right, okay.

Oh, no. Yeah, so it's like a pock and a pock. Yeah, you can go pock, pock, but you can't go pock, pock. Okay. You can also do a... So I'm going to swing the longsword first. Great. to do. How about... So I'm going to swing the long shirt first. Nope. 13 probably does. That's a miss.

Alright. I'm going to now cleave the battle axe down at his foot. God damn it. Seven. Nothing. Nope. Shitty rolling. Too new character gonna be.

Something with wings. Dordekai. Fucking brother. Danico in every way. Dordekai's waiting to get the phone call. Danico in every way. Dordekai's waiting to get the phone call. You're in. So Glibbles is going to say

Hey, dickfuck! Or his cousin Dorkadai. Mordekai Rizdal. Kai Rizdal. Do we have a healer, by the way? Yeah, a cleric. Oh, yeah, good. Yeah.

So he gets two hits. My face in the ground. And just like right in the side of its head, two arrows. From who? Glimples. Glimples. Just call them. I dig suck.

Nice. Just like in Godzillaonzalo minus one yeah so good I would just start in black and white oh yeah I heard they were doing actually I think it works better in black and white really black and white it's so felt like it already was but that's what I'm saying it's like even with CG and special effects yeah but they're calling it something else. Chromatic something? Godzilla minus one minus color. It's monochromatic. Dally Tale's going to... How far

is it between those two pillars? It'd be a 15 foot gap. And how wide is this pillar? 10 foot gap. So the pillar looks like it's 5 feet wide. Do I have a 10 foot run? It's 10 it's what five feet wide like do i have a 10 foot run it's 10 feet apart 10 feet wide the pillar itself is 10 feet wide so okay so dally tail wants to get a running

start and he's going to long jump from here to the next pillar like a squirrel kind of like and grip it grip it and then using i guess the rest of its movement up to the top of the second pillar nice um if yes if it's if action is the jump that trick that'd be 10 feet subtract that from my movement that would leave me yeah i'll make you roll for any of that you're up there great cool. And so I will whatever, give the high sign to everybody just to let them know I'm up there, but try to be silent about it. We're all like, whoa, cool.

And if my action is my, or my jump is my action, then that's all I can do. My jump is my action. Great. And then the meat piles are coming. The meat piles are coming. It's coming at you piles are coming it's coming at you sarah it's not actually yes okay i'm gonna double check to make sure it can't it's gonna be a meat cute

sorry we gotta put you in rice okay uh it stinks really bad. Nothing bad is happening, but as it approaches, you just get this, like, get hit like you're gonna drive. Now it is the giant's turn. It is going to

swing. It's stuck to me every time. Alright. I'm not that tall. It's swinging with disadvantage because Glibbles is kind of like almost got cover. Swing with disadvantage. Throwback bottle of beer.

Hit. Herd Elvis comes off real creep in Priscilla. Really? Yeah. Just like in real life. Let's take a look at that clip. Glibbles gets smacked for 16 points of bludgeoning damage. He's now going to do a dexterity saving throw to not fly off

the top of the pillar. Jeez, Glibbles. Oh no. It's an 8. So he's gonna go Bop Oh no Oh he's just starting to like Glibbles

I don't think we've paid him yet He is He does Loot him like in Red Dead He takes another 8 points of bludgeoning damage. Oh, buddy! He has 59 hit points.

But he's taken a total of 24 this turn. And he is prone on the ground. Glimmels? That's fucked up, yo. 10, you're up. Oh.

I will cast some other shit at him. He kind of scooted. Badly. This way. How about a chaos bolt? I don't want to lose our NPC already. Chaos bolt is... That means non-player character, Sam. Cool. Cool.

Oh, so that's a roll to attack okay yeah chaos bolt chaos bolt what's that there's a bunch of different weird shit oh that's a although I can re-roll that

yeah I have a lucky yeah you can use your lucky Jesus How many luckies do you get? This is the last one Yeah okay Dan Ken you gotta get some dice

Chaos bolt I really think I do Get some new dice I hope I roll well So we can find out What a chaos bolt is Yeah reincarnate And your dice clip

I saw chaos bolt open From a level of creation Oh boy Will you roll a 100 As you botch a second time? You botched again? He showed me his phone with such a smirk. Double botch, Ken.

Dude. We're all going to die. All right. You are going to have the spell just... Where are you? It's going to give you 1d4 damage. I'm peeking out. Narratively speaking, you're going to try to peek out,

and it's going to smash into the pillar next to you. What's season 7 going to be like? I'm an idiot. I think we're all going to be in the 40s. We're going to be hired to go rescue our party. Two points for whatever damage that is.

If that matters, I don't know. If you have resistance to that particular product, then great. I can pick whatever it is so well you're up yeah smarty pants you have resistance to acid don't you oh sorry the number rolled on the dial determines the damage type so it's hard to say no i have one eight i have a microdose lego and that is a four. So it is what is that damage? I know parents to microdose now.

So we. Oh, the type that's oh boy. Radiant. Like while they're like with their kids. You don't have resistance to a ton of stuff. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter. Force damage.

How is school? You definitely don't have resistance to a ton of stuff. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter. Force damage. How is school, man? You definitely don't have resistance. Can I take two points of force damage? Wait, Ken here was happening to Ken. Ken takes two points of force damage as a class gold smashes next to him. Sarah, you're up.

How tall is this pillar that's close to me? This one? The one that's closest to me. How tall is this pillar that's close to me? This one? The one that's closest to me. How tall is that pillar? 30 feet tall. Okay. And I'm 10 feet away from it? Okay, so does it count does climbing count as an action or as movement?

As movement. Do you have a separate climbing speed? On your sheet? Where would it be? It'd be under your movement. No. Alright, then it will be your action. Okay, so

I guess I'm going to I'm going to It's like monks should have climbing i know i can it's if she finds it or you guys want to take a second to research we're coming up on the end of the episode so this is we're going to do this uh i gotta say this campaign is going great so far it's fun yeah it's fun we suck um okay so if it's if it's i need to know i guess if it's movement or yeah so if it's an action then all i'm gonna do is unless you have like a monk specific climbing

feature it's going to be an athletics check okay so then um i guess 30 20 okay i guess all i mean all i could do, I could get farther away from this guy, but I don't want to spend a key point yet. So I'm going to just go to the try the top list. I'm going to use my movement to get to the pillar and then my action to climb to the top. Great, roll a athletics trick, please.

I mean, I botched. Oh, no! No. Yeah. All right, well, you... I mean I botched oh no yeah this isn't an attack so I'm not going to make you do like a table thing but you are going to like fall to the ground fuck now you're here

you still have a bonus action I still have a bonus action so this is so dumb sure is this is so stupid which if you have a bonus action i still have a bonus action so this is so dumb but i sure is this is so stupid uh which if you have a bonus action to dash you yeah i mean i'm basically i'm gonna um which is just i didn't want to use a dash because i have to go into his face to do it and if i do that then he can attack me right uh correct okay um but you can Yeah, I can dash down there. Okay, I guess...

You can play peekaboo. I guess I'm going to have to use a bonus action, because otherwise he's just going to kill me immediately. So I'm going to have to use a key point for Step of the Wind. And I'm going to take the dash action there. How many feet? Three? Dash for me. How many feet of movement do you have with that dash i'll get 80 feet right total yeah and you spent 40 climbing and front walking this is my bonus action so don't i get i would get if i'm using dash as i would a bonus action

dashing you basically get your movement again and you know i don't get double my movement i have 40 feet well the idea is that double your base every time you dash yeah i'm so confused i'm using my bonus action is a new action right so shouldn't want to get to dash on that well yeah well if you for some of the wind yeah but what's your base like walking distance 40 so you don't get to double that for the bonus action. You just get an additional 40. On top of the 40, you can... So I'm just getting additional movement.

I'm not getting to dash. That's what dashing is. But then what's Step of the Wind? Why am I spending a ki point? You get to do it as a bonus action. Everyone else has to usually do it as an action. Okay. Alright. That's my understanding. Okay. All right. That's my understanding.

Okay, then I'm going to go 40 feet this way and hide behind this pillar, I guess. Listeners, I'm sorry if this is... I think that's right. Please write letters. Again, tweet it, Sam. Please do it. So if you want, sir, you can come this far out

or you can go... No, no, I want to be behind the pillar away from both of those guys. You can go back here with... Yeah, that's where I far out. No, no, I want to be behind the pillar away from both of those guys. You can go back here with Fishmosh. Yeah, that's where I'm going. All right. Dan, can I just scramble up the pillar with my cat claws?

If you do an athletics check. But then we really got to pause the episode because I already marked that's where we will stop. 14 plus. Yeah, so 14. Yes, you can get up there I just want to be on the pillar when we come back which you're there so yeah you can get up to the top I can see your house

from up here and that is do you have any kind of climbing feature no that's it so that will be your action and your turn unless you have a bonus action to attack or something my bonus action is uh i'm gonna uh clean try to get some food off my chest great well then we're gonna start with brian on our next episode of nerd poker sam what do you think happened on episode four uh we're gonna distract the flesh monster by throwing something nearby and then run past it.

All right, new plan. We're going to open the door and then get smashed by the hammer of the flesh monster instead. Ken threw some acid into the doorway. Nothing. We're joined by a flesh meld, and we learned that how darkness works, it can be cast on creatures' heads. Chris climbed up a pillar next to Brian. The giant threw the flesh meld into the corner. Sarah dashed behind all the pillars. Glibivel shoots two arrows into the monster's heads dally tail jumped from one

pillar to another and sarah botched and then ran away oh pretty much sounds like a plan hey you guys we did it all right yeah prime to scene.com for my tour dates and follow me on all the social media and buy merch. We've got new merch coming soon. Get the old stuff because you love it. I don't know. That's why you buy merch.

Dan, anything you want to plug? Keep an eye out for me in Seattle at the Upper Left Comedy Festival and also all those LA shows I'm going to be running my hour at the Glendale room and I'm going to be running a monthly show starting in March at

the Bigfoot Lounge. It's going to be last Mondays of the month If you're not following us on Patreon, please do because we've got some really cool stuff planned to go. You know, as this campaign goes, the bonus stuff will always be cool. But we're I've got some new ideas and things coming up. It's worth it.

And we appreciate the support. And it really keeps the show going. It's kept the show going for a while now. Blame. We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well.

On the next Nerd Poker, Ken Quantum Leaps into Posh Spice? Who Freaky Fridays with David Beckham? Who gets his brain put into a gorilla? Who gets a job as an Elvis impersonator? Who's opening for Jeff Dunham and Peanut? Can he get the Starbucks bathroom code in time before his big debut on The Masked Singer? All this and your choice of rice pilaf or baked potato after four

on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.