Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 5

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

As Pish Posh begins some very unpleasant business with the Flesh Meld and Glibbles sits in Juniper's pocket, it begins to seem as though Dan is more than willing to make good on his TPK threats. Hopefully everyone won't wipe on the first fight. Although that could also be fun! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam engineer sam and of course our kick-ass dm dan telfer welcome to nerd poker hello this is ross bosane and you're listening to brian bosane's nerd poker mountain campaign uh sponsored always by sierra mist And also, shout out to Halo 3. Having fun replaying that one. Have a good time, guys. Thanks, pal.

Bro, expose sex. 22 years old. Thanks, pal. I'm Brian Pazin. You're listening to Nerd Poker. That was my teenage son. A lot has happened since COVID. We're finally back doing live episodes.

Well, not live, but in person. This is a full stadium, you guys. That's what it sounds like. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. We shipped him in from Burbank. and uh there's a full stadium you guys that's what it sounds like yeah it's pretty crazy we shipped them in from burbank and uh it's episode five and uh we're in some my friends are here do we do that when we're live i guess so yeah yeah it doesn't feel it feels so weird It doesn't feel it feels so weird

because I'm not looking at the stupid screen. Chris is here. Brian, I'm in front of you like a real boy. I know. Next to Chris is Sarah. Hello, Sarah. Hi, Brian. Welcome to my house for a third time in five years. Pretty exciting. Ken's here.

Hi, Brian. How are you you good to see you good pal um our dm illustrious dm sure sure i forget what that means what does that mean it's amazing is this did i already drink this water is this your water ken i don't know i don't know let me just drink all the water i think you did i didn't know if you have this one all right hi brian how are you what's illustrious mean? I like it. Thank you. We like you.

That's what it means. Blaine's here. Hey, Brian. I just drank all of Dan's water. Oh, my God. From over here with my finger like Mork. A little hot in the mic. Am I?

Am I too hot in the mic? Rhodes started out hot with his bass voice. His voice makes you sound like your wife. You son of a bitch. I'll kill you. You can. He's right next to you. What?

My sweet, adorable wife. Sam, speaking of sweet and adorable, there he is. Hello, sweet and adorable children. Hi. How are you, pal? I'm good. Good to see you. You too. uh sam speaking of sweet and adorable there he is hello sweet children adorable children hi how are you pal i'm good good to see you you too um dan hi brian would you like me to thank some patreon supporters i think that's what we do it is what we do in person this is how we do it right thank you to patreon supporters at our top two tiers. And you know what, you guys?

Everyone who supports our Patreon owns one square foot of land in my heart and is an official citizen of my heart. I'll send you a certificate. You have to wait maybe a few years for it to show up. I have to think what it looks like and then remember and then write it down. But the top two tiers are... Hey, how am I doing on the volume? Am I good? Okay, I'm hearing my own echo

bouncing all over the place. So pardon me, listeners. But here we... Am I okay? My volume is cutting out completely. Everybody's so shy today. I know. I'm not used to having my audio

outside of my own obsessive compulsive disorder control. Thank you, Melissa Campbell. Thank you, Matt Mendoza. Thank you, Gam of LOD. Thank you, Cheezic Thrust. Thank you, Angelo Sick. Thank you, Peter Harmon. Thank you, YogurtEggPants666. I you. Peter Harmon. Thank you. Yogurt. Egg pants. Six,

six, six. I agree. Fake number. Thanks. Kendra's rule. Yes. And then parenthetical is bad at jumping.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you. Scott at home. Thank you. Vin diesel. Parenthetical. Not really just wishful thinking.

Thanks. No, I'm at home. Thanks. John without an H. Thanks. Black Miro. Thank you. Hawkeye Pierce.

Thank you, Jordan Brooks. Thank you, Dink Stein Cooler. And finally, thank you, Flat Dick Society. Now with free bag of penile heroin rub. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by? Financial support for Nerd Pok poker comes from IBS international bowel syndrome irritating bowels for job interviews

since 1980 and the Chubb Foundation giving you a partial on road trips support also comes from UTA urinary tract agency supporting nerd poker since 1980 Dan Urinary Tract Agency. Supporting Nerd Poker

since 1980. Dan? 1980 was a big year. Big year for our financial supporters. We're not officially supported by Hero Forge, but we've been getting... We got discounts.

Oh, they straight up free full-color 3D prints. They're amazing. We got some cool minis. We'll take pictures of those. My NPC Glimples is courtesy of that. Thank you so much, HeroForge. I just got mine, but there's Mordecai over here.

You can really go down a rabbit hole for many hours designing. It doesn't take me that long. No, it doesn't have to. There are a lot of those of us who have been addicted to the Skyrim character designer that has carried over. What if my nose were one

millimeter wider? Oh my gosh. I went back and forth between giving my figure pupils and not for like a half an hour. Pupils are just straight green. Pupils. Pupils. just straight green? Pupils. Yeah, I don't know. Go for pupils.

Yeah, I know. They were very apt. Mm-hmm. I, um... I know what happened there, but I don't want... Never was heard a discouraging... Oh, good Lord.

Well, let's see. I guess we should talk about what happened last time. So you guys are heading up the mountain. You had three choices and two mountains. Two of those choices were the other mountain, but you chose the weird-ass haunted mountain. Where is the guy?

What guy? The previously on guy. Johnny? I just, I feel so tired of doing that voice. Well, I just feel like you needed to break it just more slowly. Excuse me. No, I have to get into character. No, no, no. Don't do it just for me. I just was asking. He's got cord nodes.

He's got nodes on his cords. I missed it. You know what it is? It's because Henry Cavill got cast as Geralt and he took that voice over and now I have to search through the ether to find it because Hemsworth is doing it now. He let go of the voice I bet. We just can give it as your guy. Yeah, Henry Cavell can shove it.

Yeah, he ain't working here no more. Last time on Nerd Poker. There we go. Our heroes had three choices in two mountains, and they took the weird-ass choice and went up the weird mountain that's haunted, and they went up through the dwarf city and found

an NPC named Glibbles, a goblin barbarian who, you know, he asked to make a blood pact and everyone thought he was kind of weird and said no thanks. They promised him, I believe it was one gold piece, three beers and a warm dinner every day that he traveled with them. And he had a game plan and a map, which I believe by the time this goes live we will have posted on our Instagram I've also annotated it so uh yeah you went into the first of several frightening chambers laid before you this one containing a he's a fucking mind flared a five giant type dude I almost gave away what kind of giant, but I think you failed a history check or some shit last time. So you were told you could jump from broken pillar to broken pillar and sneak

across playing a very lethal game of don't wake daddy. But unfortunately you drew the giant's attention and engaged in combat. Um, there was also a weird carrion devouring thing in the room you were you were kind of you know uh suggested you jump across and you did you tried flying around i don't remember exactly what happened i think it involved the door uh being stared at for a long time and you tried to use darkness and like you you pass without a trace i think it was just like a random little crack in the plan that drew the attention and um you know as a secondary side effect yeah there's this it's uh called a flesh meld and i had a lot of fun gloss painting this motherfucker

but uh he's a massive pile of corpses that used to be gibbering mouthers that combined and just hunting for meat left over that the mind flayer giant usually cast aside after sucking up the brain like an edamame I believe I said so yeah we're going back to the top of the turn order which is really fun for me because

that is the giant and what is extra I think fun about this giant seromorph is he is going to potentially prove my goal of getting a TPK this campaign. So here we go, everybody. We're low-ish on hit points, right? I know Glibble's is at about half. I think he was deep. Ken had been hit, but I don't think anyone else had. Okay, that at all. Low wish on hit points, right? I know Glibble's is at about half. I can have been hit, but I don't think anyone else had. Okay, that's good.

I'm holding up. Unless I'm wrong. Which happened. Pish posh got what it takes. And the goal, because it's been a couple weeks, right? The goal of this fight is mostly to just get out. Trying to get to the other side. Yeah. Like chickens. Both posts are really... Are you saying we're being chickens? Across the road. We're trying to get to the other have post early uh are you saying we're being chickens

across the road we're trying to get to the other side i thought you're saying we're being cowards by sneaking no nobody calls me a chicken there is no action that is cowardly sometimes it is wise to move slowly or with purpose across a room without being seen right doesn't have to be a cowardly act some of us are only one foot tall and it's important to stay hidden right i feel like now you're specifically talking so i just at first was vague incredibly specific yeah he's a squirrel, not a chicken. We were crossing the road. I just... Right. There's no squirrel in that

joke. I'm throwing my dice away. Oh, no. So, it is... First thing he's going to do is... He's going to try to hit Mordecai with his hammer a couple of times.

Mordecai. Sorry. I'm down, right? Is that me or am I behind the thing and I can't see myself? I don't know that I have your mini. Yeah, you don't. I need one here. Oh, here.

I have... That's fine. You can use a halfling. I'm behind that pillar, I believe. Right here. I have some Sperry's. I'm not going to, I believe. Right here. I have some sparries. I'm not going to be precious. Do you have any chickens in there? What class are you?

Something that will help me remember. I'm a monk. I'm a monk. Okay, cool. And I'm drunk. And warrior. Great. Among us.

This is a lady who looks sort of monkish. I'll have mine soon. She's on the ground between the pillars? I believe that's what happened, yes. I botched trying to climb. Well, back to murdering my friends already in progress. He's going to take a couple of swings at you, Mordecai.

Boo. Never get past that pillar. Willie. Puppy cameo brian you should get a little puppy bed up here on the table so we could just scratch oh there's a crit shall i grow it oh no oh dan re-roll that nope yeah we were talking about the dog your lack of interest in what i'm doing does not negate my action. Wow. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Let's see. So this is ugly. Who's he hitting? Mordecai. I know. Five, nine, 15, 25 points of bludgeoning damage. Oh, actually 25 plus because it's crit.

32 points of bludgeoning damage. There we go. Is he down? Yeah. You're in control. You fall into the ground? Yeah. He's going to notice that and uh he'll decline pulverizing your corpse so you don't get to do death saving throws and instead try to do that to glibbles i mean and uh oh he misses uh now he is going to turn this way.

And he's going to try to hit Dallytail by rearing his head back. And Dallytail, you hear a scream coming from inside your head. Interesting. So I'm going

to need... He knows I'm there um did you do a stealth check when you went up there i did okay uh yeah i think the point of us being up there was right he wouldn't yeah that was the the goblin told us to stay up there because i did a stealth check to climb up there and then i still check to climb up to the top and he's not chicken dan if that's what you're thinking he's not afraid of being attacked he just wants to make sure that it's you know fair it seems as though he might with his psionic abilities know that juniper is behind i am literally about to grab that you better be careful he hasn't leave you off he hasn't used any of his

movement so yeah he knows something's going on he's gonna go look between the pillars hey juniper can you do a charisma saving throw please what this is outrageous look what you just did i feel you're gonna feel really guilty about this in a second i heard there was some questioning what kind of animal i was i was literally telling dan that you weren't chicken i was clarifying that you're not it's a chipmunk maybe i'll be a chicken. I was clarifying that you're not. It's a chipmunk. Maybe I'll be a chicken next time. What kind of menu are you going to make? I don't know. Eight.

Thanks, Hero Forge. For that five-minute character. Damn it. I'll just start playing this. Eleven points. Eleven points of psychic damage this is blestakai nice

and that will do it for the giants turn get a load of this guy Ken you're up oh good it's my brother Deez Deez Kai let's see

Deez Nuts Kai you like nuts you're a chicken right i am going to the mr beast guy makes a candy now oh yeah he does a deez Nuts candy. Oh, yeah. I saw that. I'm going to cast a lightning bolt. Ooh. All right. What is the saving throw and for whom is there one? This dick.

Captain Dick. All right. He's a captain? Yeah. Of the junk army. Of the dick police. Yeah, I was going to say. Captain Dick of the junk army. They live inside of my pants.

Dick 30? The dick police. Oh was gonna captain dick of the job they live inside of my pants dick's already the dick police oh you got a twin oh well that's this place is great big waste of time i like this one just die um i would like to um go behind the pillar okay wait how many actions do i have this is a a new guy. That's a great question. Yeah. But you do have movement. How much damage did I take? 17? Yeah, then I'm going to ditch behind the...

Like this? Yeah. Lovely. Will that do it for you? Yeah. Sarah's up. That's all I can do. Okay.

So I'm just now looking up my... If I can carry somebody. Let me see the spell. Apparently the mountain campaign is going to be a mini-series. Can I carry somebody with... If I do Misty Step, can I bring... I know Dimension Door you can. Let me check.

I don't think so, but I'm going to double check. Misty Step. Two people. I don't think so, but I'm going to double check. Misty step. I don't think so. Thinking about mortality. It is teleporting yourself and no other creatures. Is he really a creature, though, if he's unconscious's unconscious all right i won't press the point but i um what is life you know what i mean i i'm gonna misty step up i guess to the top of this pillar here got it okay um

so i'm sorry mordecai i was trying to get you out of there, but hopefully from here I might be able to do something else. Stinky with the combustion. Which right now, oh yeah. I was just going to ask, Dan, is that a door right there on the side behind the pillar? No, unfortunately that is a limitation of how many Dwarven Forge tiles I have. Sorry about that. That's just a kind of decorative arch. Got it.

Okay. So, yeah, now I'm up here, and I guess I'm going to crouch down, because then I can't dodge. There's something else I can do here. I'm done, unfortunately. Does Dan know we're all level three? He warned us at the beginning of this campaign aren't you level five oh five yeah five sneaky pete okay you're like fishing for

pity it's just like that'll be sad if i say level three blaine you're up uh where is brian in heaven on the ground he's on the ground uh is he behind the pillar he's kind of between him he's been if you can his body fell like what are the what are the odds that i can see him if i lean over the pillar um yeah yeah uh then i'm gonna do a uh healing word on him. Creature of my choice that I can see within range. Regains hit points equal to 1d4 plus my modifier. Great. You're back.

You're back in the ship, Brian. Just laying down. He has 2 plus 8, 10 points. Nice. Does his body suddenly unsquelch as though it were like silly putty and now it's kind of

Yeah, and he has a Dick Tracy on his back. Perfect. That's a joke for our listeners that are over the age of 900. Lovers of print. Anybody remember the Lockhorns? 900 is the new 700, so that's pretty cool. Mifusla.

Mifusla. What are you doing, Blaine? I just did a healing word on him. Anything else? I think that's it. I'm just going to hold my position up here on top of the uh this pillar and I'm probably going to see if I could uh uh maybe jump to the top of the refrigerator from here okay you're gonna try to jump but you know it's a cat move yeah I probably

uh I'll probably give up then just lay down we're're looking for sponsors. We're looking for CPAP and Icy Hot to sponsor the show. You know, Mick Icy Hot is back for a limited time. Five minutes. Brian, it's you. Yeah.

I'm going to run, run, run. Until the something, something, run. Until the... Something, something, something. Okay. You can go about that far because you have to use some of your movement to get up. Okay. I'm going to hide over here.

Okay. Nice. You going to fight, action, anything? Nope. Okay. I'm going to shit my pants. He can hide. Now, you could use your action to hide. Also, you have, I think, fight action anything? Nope. Okay. I'm gonna shit my pants. Now, you could use your action hide. Also, you have I think you've split up some

healing potions. Don't forget you got that in your pockets. Yes. So, would you like to roll to pound a pote? Yeah. No, don't. Not again. Don't ever say that again, Dan.

Cool. Don't ever say pound a pote. Yeah. No, don't. Not again. Don't ever say that again, Dan. Don't ever say pound a pote. What kind is it? Can you write me? I don't have it written down on mine. All right. Does anybody write them down? You have two regular and two greater. We each do? Yeah. I have two superior.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's what it is. Two regular and two superior. Let's take one superior. have. I have two superior. Oh, I'm sorry. That's what it is. Two regular and two superior. Let's take one superior. I thought I was a superior. Oh, I mean you. Does it have on your sheet what die the superior is? It's a standard D&D thing. It's probably 4D4. I think a regular is 2D4.

So a greater might be 4D4. Damn. I'll have it in a sec, I think. And a superior might be 6? I don't know. 4D. No, 8d4 plus 8. 8d4. Wow. So roll 8 four-sided, Brian.

I will hold that. Do you even have 8 four-sided dice? I'll let him borrow some of mine. Guys, we can make a group contribution. Contribution. Before mine. Foresighted.

Oh, four. Oh, sorry. The given the Illuminati pyramid. Oh, thank you, sir. I don't know if you want mine though. How many am I rolling? Eight. I've got another one. Oh, Blaine's got a handful.

Oh yeah, here comes the Kepatch. I like that green one. Oh, they're fun all together. Look at that. It's like candy. Yay. Damn it. Spaz hands. Spaz hands. Yeah, do that when I'm doing my trying to get the dice

who's the uh the jazz director the fossy bob fossy yeah i do my spaz yeah it's how many is that brian There's eight of them. How many hit points did you just get? I haven't rolled it yet. He's just counting them up and looking at them while we all try to come up with Bob Fosse jokes. I like the mint waxed Fosse. Oh, fun.

I like Fosse bear. Jazz hands. Seven, nine, eleven, never forget uh fourteen and what the fuck is that oh that's a four

uh eighteen and uh twenty one plus eight right yeah twenty one plus eight 18 and 21. Nice! Plus 8, right? Yeah, 21 plus 8. So you got 29 hit points back. I love it. In addition to what Blaine just gave you. With his spell. This is you, Blaine. Red and white. I gave you the perpy

and the orangey. You are... Perpy's not good either. I don't want to give anybody perpy and the orangey. You are, Dan, you are... Perpy's not good either. I don't want to give anybody perpy. Perpy lasts forever. Reminds me of those seeds I used to sell door to door. Mine's red and sparkly. Back when I was

900 years old. Thank you. Ours are like Christmas. That's me. That's mine. You know, I have two perpies that look like this. Fozzie Bear did At Midnight when I was

working on At Midnight. It was really fun. It was him, Christian Schaal, and John Hodgman with Fozzie in the middle. And the guy that operated Fozzie, it was you get to watch a guy operate Muppets. There Fozzie in the middle. And the guy that operated Fozzie, it was you get to watch a guy operate Muppets. There were three guys behind the podium.

And the guy that did all the... As soon as he was done doing a take, he pulled his arm down and they put... surrounded his arm with ice packs. Just iced his arm down because if you try to hold your arm up that long, it's really hard. I took a puppet class once and they were just like yeah i can do this for like two minutes it's painful it's

very bad yeah and brian do you want to use your action to hide uh yes stealth check please okay anyway it was great and then i have he was a real though he did i tried to get his audio he was like if i'm if i'm not signing your tits, I'm not signing anything. I said, okay, well, I guess you're not signing anything. Sounds like Fozzy. Classic Fozzy. Great.

As far as you can tell, you managed to hide. You don't have anyone in your direct eyeline, so you're hidden for all intents and purposes. Okay, cool. I have to do some reordering i'm looking at the turn order and i lost track of where we were because i wrote a note before some blaine really wanted to run up the pillar so i i got confused last round so glibbles chris and the meat monster all have a turn they have to do and then Glibble's gonna go again.

From the writers of Mother Jugs and Speed. So, yeah, Glibble's is gonna get up. That movie does not age well. No, it doesn't. Anything with Bill Cosby. And he is gonna run over and say, I'm gonna cut your dick!

Um. So. Glibble's. know is gonna run over and say i'm gonna cut your dick um so glibbles we hardly knew they free me in the being a couple years ago going oh my god how did my mom watch let me watch this one like no rules on these enemies oh no bocce boo alright is that like a poty poo poty po christ on a cracker

cry on a crook alright well the dice hate us we We hardly knew you. You see what that is? Oh my god. What happened? What the hell? He rolled a hundred. On what? On a botch.

Yeah, you gotta tell us this is a radio program. I'm gonna crunch up some celery over here to make it sound like his bones are getting crunched wow yeah you guys see Glibble's charge trip and land on his great sword

you know there's something weird about the great sword because it looks like a tooth from a giant monster of some kind. And as it sort of rips through his abdomen, you see him and his being kind of like stretch and then pop and disappear. Jesus. Man, really hard to believe.

Chris, you're up. Was that a drag? I liked him. Was that because of the sword do we think the sword did that do an insight check did he just get was he a victim of spaghettification feels likely

and is the sword gone too or is it the whole thing about him is gone all right uh i will uh look down on uh the the cthulhu giant bet you will and uh i mean it's just it's my haughty nature uh i'm gonna fire my dragon wing longbow haughty by nature all right so you guys this is the first time i'm using this is my magic item dan that i picked out it's called a dragon wing long bow so what you guys would see is that as i draw the thing there's no arrow but as i draw it the wing the tips of the bow are sort of shaped like dragon wings and uh it's like it's like the bow i guess from the dnd

cartoon so like the bow the string and the arrow are radiant magic and so i fire that down at the uh creepo and if i hit him i get to do radiant damage as well so that's a 14 plus 10 24 to hit that's very much a hit okay so i'm also invoking a thing called a favored foe when i hit a creature with an attack i can mark the target as my favored enemy for a minute or until i lose my concentration you're my favorite enemy enemies forever We do a pinky lock. So that basically means I get to add a D4. Okay, so the arrow does 8 plus 5. So 4 plus 5, 9. I get to add 6 because it's of the radiance of it. So that's 9 plus 1, 10.

And then I get to add the D4. What the hell is that? 2. So 12 total. Okay. And then movement-wise, I'm going to move to the furthest inner point of the top of the thing that I'm on. Okay.

Yeah. So it's hard. There's not a lot of room there, but I know what you're doing. But I think you're like, I was leaning over to get a good line straight down on him. So now I'm just sort of pulling back as far as I can from the edge. Okay. And now, will that do it for you, sir? That's me

the pile of flesh is gonna go ugh hi hi um pish posh you see the long neck of the flesh meld

reach around the corner can I is that where fudge is me of the flesh-meld reach around the corner, can I Is that where Fudge is? Me? get It's about to be. a constitution saving throw. Yeah.

Don't make that Fudge. What are these ranged attacks that he has? This guy is making us go crazy, but that guy has something that he can do? He has an aura of death.

So as he gets close, there's a necrotic aura that can hurt you. 22. Oh, fantastic. You're fine. Good. So the next thing he's going to do is try to bite you and swallow you. No. I taste terrible. Oh, I thought you were over here. You're is try to bite you and swallow you. No. I taste terrible.

Oh, I thought you were over here. You're over here. Yeah. Okay, you're close. 13 to hit. It's a miss. Yeah. Okay.

That's a miss. Cool. And then another one of his heads is going to try to bite and swallow you. Stop already. It's enough. Major point. Two is too many. 16 to hit.

Tie. Oh, that means good for him. So you are going to take You're going to take. What? How dare you? 25 points of piercing damage. Oh my god. You're grappled in its mouth. Gee.

Let's see if I'm resistant to resistant to mouth he is now going to try he's now going to try to swallow you with his bonus action can I get a dexterity savings round you guys just met how much was the damage 23 points

you said 6 15 20 it's 20 cold blooded man points you said um six fifteen uh twenty it's twenty cold-blooded man this campaign has basically been us going into a room okay and then you got a map and some potions and what

am i doing now check uh dexterity please yeah dc fifteen fourteen all right you guys see Pish Posh disappear inside the creature. Bye-bye.

Hell. What? You're no longer grappled. Pish Posh, you are... Oh, that was not a spell. You thought something was going to save you. You would want to interject with that. You are now blinded and restra spell. Oh, okay. It's all good. You thought something was going to save you. I understand. Yeah, of course. You wouldn't want to interject with that. You are now blinded and restrained.

Sure I am. You have total cover against attacks and other effects, and you're going to take necrotic damage at the start of each of its next turns. You're in its tummy or something. Yeah. And now, because I messed up the turn order, Glibbles would go again, but Glibbles appears to be gone.

Chris, you're going to go again, and then the meat monster will go again, and then we'll go to the giant. When do I get to go? Oh, wait, wait, you're right, you're right. I am... It should be now. it should be now uh ken sarah ken and sarah again yeah i'm so sorry ken you're up and you know what i'm gonna do because i screwed that up i'm gonna undo the swallow as dramatic as that was

because i should have let you and Sarah go before the meat monster. Okay. He's not even coming at you yet. He wants to. He wants to. Do I undo the damage? Yeah, and I'm sorry, listeners, that I beefed it. Oh, God. I hope nobody got a tattoo.

Oh, God damn it. Rhonda, stop. I will do something terrible to him run away I'm gonna eat him yeah there you go I just wanted to show off what he could do before you inevitably destroy him

sure he'll be dead soon I will cast no mouth I am. It's good to know. I'm sure he'll be dead soon. I will cast no mouth. I feel like that must be a spell. I will cast a spray of cards. I like this one. Spray of cards.

Spray of cards? Yeah, you heard me. It's a sorcerer. Reverse, reverse. Draw two, draw two, skip. Are you a Vegas sorcerer? Yeah. So it's a dexterity seven how's this you spray up cards uh jesus christ physical comedy you're doing this against a flesh meld yeah same dad it's a nine he fails okay you a 15-foot cone of spectral cards. Each creature in that area must make a dexterity saving. Throw on a failed save, creature takes 2d10 force damage and has the blinded condition until the end of its next turn.

Nice. Is the cone wide enough to hit both of them? Oh, it is. 15 foot? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I guess I'm doing one for him too, huh? For the record. Oh, that's not looking good for him 12

nope he's also blinded roll that force damage they just both got blinded you guys that's good that's something are they ripped up like a deuce that's what I was wondering seems like that's more like how Kent up like a deuce that's what i was wondering

seems like that's more like how kent's turn should go rather than being swallowed yeah yeah i am so embarrassed that i wasted the swallow i don't think so you'll get plenty of opportunity later i just love to swallow oh that's a nine uh Nine points of damage. Nine points of horse damage? Christ. Remember that I thought I was going to have to use horse and pony poo. Yes.

I heard you. Like in John Wick 2? Oh, my God. Remember when I watched that with you in the theater and I screamed at how happy I was the horse was killing people?

Amazing, yeah. Spoiler. Will I do it for your turn, Ken? You may want to back back up under the pillar. I think I do. I'm not... You guys all see this color explode forth from Pish Posh and slam

into both of their faces in the shape of cards. They both look clearly disoriented. There's no eyes on this guy, but it's sensory affected regardless. And I think it's not immune to blinded, is it? I cast Ricky J. It is immune to blinded.

Whoops. Fleshmeld's immune to blinded. So he took the damage, but he's not blind. This guy is disoriented. Oh, pish posh. Yeah. Fleshmeld is immune to blinded and prone. But, yep, he's blind.

Blind and crazy. Yep, as a fox. All right, Sarah, you're up. Okay, I am going to whisper a discordant melody that only the giant can hear. Racking it with terrible pain. Oh. He's got daredevil ears now.

Yeah, so the target must make a wisdom saving throw. Oh boy. This girl is on fire. Auto-tune. Oh, that's a 12. Yeah, so that's a fail. And then he's going to take 3d6 psychic damage. Nice.

And must immediately use its reaction, if available, to move as far as its speed allows away from me. Oh. Lucky for you, it's a fucking giant in this one moment, because he's got a lot of movement. lucky for you it's a fucking giant in this one moment because he's got a lot of movement okay so it only takes nine points of damage but it's gonna hopefully like get all this corner away from everybody you've done almost 100 points of damage to him so he's gonna go So he's going to go 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45. He's going to hide behind this pillar. One hundred right now.

In fear. Jesus. Well, you know what? He's blind. So yeah, he'll stumble. Maybe he hurts himself on the way. No. Yeah, please let him run face first into a pillar.

He does. I mean, he gets by a glass coffee table then you just get a pair of white pants and now there's a little drop of blood so now the meat monster will now take its turn anything else for your turn sir then yes

also for my oh no actually nope then yes here comes the. Here comes the meat. Here comes the meat for you, Pish Posh. Boom, boom, boom. Here comes the meat. Isn't that Harvey's phrase?

It is. I'll let you keep the save of the necrotic throw from last time but I'm going to re-roll the bites 20 to hit that is a hit so here comes some piercing damage

I don't like it aim for my earlobes and my eyebrows 19 points of piercing damage you are now grappled. It is going to attempt to swallow you. Can you do a dexterity savings? Not this again! Deja. Seriously.

Boo. You added your health back from last time I bit you. I did, and now I've taken it away. I'm doing a what dexterity? Okay. Dan Giveth. DC 15. That is a 15. Oh, you're grappled.

But like you see, I can, can I use one last luck point? Uh-huh. I'm going to try that again. Wait, no, you made it. Oh, I did make it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, cool. You need it. You need a saving throw. You get the number, you get it. Fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's, you want Yeah. You want to hit it.

He's now going to try to chomp you again. Son of a pooper. Goodness, he's used his bonus action so he can't try to swallow you again this turn. That's an 18 to hit. Choppers are coming in. Choppers!

It's a hit, so he's biting, not gulping. Oh boy, 16 points of piercing damage. Owies! Let me see if I do this right. Yes, now it is the giant's turn. So he's blind he's going to do a perception check with disadvantage to try to even figure out

what to do but can he move towards anybody is he frightened or is it just in that moment he's running that's a good question I don't know how long he's because if the condition is frightened then he's dishwasher are you hearing that I think so I thought it was choppers coming out yeah

it's yeah it's your dishwasher or something i'll go out of that is your dishwasher it's a machine like a dryer yeah it's like a dryer maybe um okay i'm just checking the spell which is dissonant whispers i think he's frightened it doesn't um no it doesn't say anything about that just that uh he tries

moves yeah yeah I mean he doesn't know what the fuck is going on so he fails his perception check

and is just gonna run in this direction trying to find he's screaming um he can't do his psychic attack on

anybody at the moment, but he is going to swing at a pillar that he's leaning against to try to smash it down. Yeah, that'll hit it. Maybe it falls on his head. Oh. Perfect. So you just see this thing

go... Smash in half for the the I actually have this spare for this occasion. So he knocks it down and there's like where'd that somewhere I have a spare candle I don't know what happened to it but

there's now like debris so we'll just be like that is broken thing and yeah I guess that'll do it like, that is a broken thing. Yeah, I guess that'll do it for the giant. Ken, you're up. We are now doing a normal turn order that got beefed. How close am I to this

dick? How close are you? To this dick? He's right in front of you. He's within five feet. He's got you grappled. Oh yeah, that's right. I can attack them? Uh- you. He's within five feet. He's got you grappled. I can attack though? Uh-huh. Let's see. What is grappling?

It's like wrestling. Grab me. Like a hold. What is it indeed? He can do a strength check to break out of it. But it will take his action. But he can also just attack? Two guys going like this on each other's shoulders

like yeah I mean I feel like I have the general sense of what grappling is speak English he can't move away unless he does a strength check to break away let's see I'm going see. I'm going to...

Oops. I'm going to... Oops. So, yeah, you can do... I can't just Ray of Frost on it. Okay. Nice. Is that a dex thing?

Let's find out. It doesn't say. it's a cantrip uh ray of frost sounds like it's a spell attack or a dex yeah okay well spell attack uh spell attack 1da

cold damage uh so yeah well first he has to roll a 20 set and then add his spell attack modifier. That's a 7. Oh, it's a miss. Yeah, I think so. Okay. Great. And I will nestle into

his horrifying arms. Okay. It's more of a maw than arms. Sarah, you're up again. Oh, golly. It's about to feel normal turn-wisewise blaine is after this and brian nice um okay so i am going to um hmm okay uh would it be an action to climb would be my action to climb down or we already had this conversation about action versus movement in the last um episode so to get down would be

climbing which yeah like i won't make you do an s uh i'll make you do an athletics check but i had this conversation about action versus movement in the last um episode so to get down would be climbing yeah like i won't make you do an s uh i'll make you do an athletics check but i won't um take your action um here's a question if i have slow fall where i can use my reaction when i fall to produce any falling damage could i just like swan swan dive off and then slow fall. Yeah. Take it easy. Like, before I do that, can I ask you, what would I be rolling for damage on? If you don't slow fall? No, because slow fall just says you use a reaction when you fall to reduce any falling damage you take by 25. And I'm like, what if you're like, you took 45 points of damage

and I just swan dove off of the thing? Well, you're doing slow fall, so... okay i don't i think she's trying to ask how much damage potentially yes the slow fall doesn't make it it's not feather fall it's not like i oh i misunderstood that i can i'm getting distracted by the sick tones tunes in my head. It's 1d6 bludgeoning for every 10 feet and it is 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 feet to the ground. So it would take 3

d6 bludgeoning damage. And I guess my final question is because it says I've just never used this before. It says you can use your reaction when you fall. Can I use my reaction when I leap? Do you know what I've never just never used this before. It says you can use your reaction when you fall. Can I use my reaction when I leave? Like it's on purpose. So I guess that's like, all right, cool.

Um, so I'm going to, um, use my movement to just leap off of this, like five feet off and then was it, you have it. How was it? How's the damage? Reduce it by 25. So it's negated so that's negated so then i'm gonna land on the ground and do a cool somersault and then just book it to the door okay okay it takes 30 points of somersault damage how many feet do you get to move um just the two 40. okay i got you yeah so it's 10 15 20 25 30 35 40. can you do a perception check if i six is six five six eight five eight eight five nine nine five one hundred ready or not

um 17. uh as you run past here you see a large iron coin on the ground right here As you run past here, you see a large iron coin on the ground right here. Okay, I grab it. Okay. Because that's where our friend is, I guess, inside it or something. Okay. We'll see. And what about your, did you use your action to dash? No, but I should, right?

That's a great idea. It's a definite option. So this is where we're going to get in a weird situation where I'm like, I don't understand dash. So you tell me how far I can move another 40. So, yeah, I just want to get to the door. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25. I apologize to all. You're on the other side of the door.

Both for the attempted accident. And why would I? That was rude. That was real hee haw. Yeah, it was a pre-haw. Downright offensive. Yeah, you're through the door. Did you shut it? Hey, Sarah, what's for supper? No, I just wanted to be by the door Downright offensive. Yeah, you're through the door. Did you shut it?

Hey, Sarah, what's for supper? No, I just want to be by the door. Great. Blaine, you're up. Where am I tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I'm going to... I'm still on top of this pillar.

Meow, meow. All covered in... So I'm going to use a uh i'm going to use uh sorry the uh oh uh sacred flame i'm going to call a sacred flame down on the gibbering mouth mass all right that's a deck save yeah that That is a... Dex save or take 2d8 radiant damage. 18. Was that against my dexterity?

Your spell save DC. Oh, my spell save DC is 14. So he makes it. It's a miss. So just one so 1d8 oh eight no it's just he doesn't take any damage right or is it you're doing it at another level where he takes half oh right right right yeah sorry it's a miss i believe it's a it's a miss sorry boss meow anything with your bonus action or movement you're gonna stay up there uh i'm going to stay up there and you see

that she's run through the door juniper is blitzed out of the room i am keeping an eye on the action but you you're aware that is beginning to happen people are getting across yeah i'm uh i don't want to put myself uh down there until i absolutely have to got it

brian yes your turn we have time cool uh you see I absolutely have to. Got it. Brian, it's your turn. We have time. Cool. You see Juniper run all the way out the door. Did he see my somersault? Yeah, it was pretty sick. Okay. Let's see. Where's movement on the printed sheets? Let's see.

Where's movement on the printed sheets? It's probably 30. It's right in the middle of your page, your front page. Speed. Literally right in the center. Hey, Dan. 30 feet. Dan, can I slide down the other side of the pillar?

Yeah, can you do an athletics check please yes can you say we me owie see if i have uh uh eight plus zero eight i guess you're gonna take but i have a feline agility oh yeah you're fine yeah uh so you're down on this side you said brian you can move 30 feet. Yeah. And then if I dash, does that help? Then it's 60 feet. Okay. Yeah.

So you're gonna dash? Yes. Okay. So what do you want me to do it? Yeah, go ahead. So 510 1520 25 60. You get this far. Yeesh. Apple's peaches, pumpkin pie. Who's not ready?

Holler at it. Any bonus actions you'd like to use, sir? Better get hit, kid. Should I have been maybe going closer to the poles or? I can move you there if you want to be kind of closer. Yeah. Then you're closer to the mouth. That's the thing. Where's the mouth? I split the difference. That giant you want to be kind of closer. Yeah. Then you're closer to the mouth. That's the thing. Where's the mouth?

I split the difference. Yeah. Horrific thing in front of you. Yeah. Have you gone through the center of the room? Because this, I mean, there's my choice for you, but yeah, you can scoot your guy back and forth. It's just going to be like a immaterial difference. Trying to see if I had.

Bonus action stuff. Bonus action. Let's see if I had... Bonus action stuff. Bonus action. Let's see, you're a fighter, so can you do, like... Bonus action, so you get second wind. Well, you might want to do that. What would that do here? You can roll 1d10 plus 5

to heal on your bonus action, but you can only do it once for short rest. Don't forget your second wind. I'm pretty close to my... You're good? Okay. You've been healed a lot. That makes sense. So save it, I suppose. And

if that's it for you, Chris? I guess I see which way the wind is blowing. I'm going to use my climbing speed. How high up am I on top of this? What seems to be the tallest pillar? 55 feet. I will, I guess, sort of over here at the side facing where Blaine is sitting

I will use all 30 feet of my climbing movement to get 30 feet down and then I'll use my bonus action dash climb I guess to get down and I guess I I'll let you do an athletics check DC 10 if you want to

just slide down an athletics check? can't you want to just slide down. An athletics check? Can't you just run straight down? You're a squirrel. Yeah, I'm a squirrel. That's kind of what I'm. That's what that's what my climbing is.

Well, but if you wanted to down really fast, I would only charge you five feet. But if you miss the DC 10, you're going to take damage. What's the chances? All right. Sure. I'll try that. Athletics plus one. 15 plus one 15 plus 116 great so you go just takes five if you want to move towards the door at all great um i will scamper how about

i see which way he's going how many feet scampered is here so i can move 25 feet and then if i dash then i can move 55 feet correct yeah how about i will kind of scamper alongside mordecai so i'm more i mean i might be a little bit behind him but more or less to his right so the two of us are kind of hauling ass down the center of the room his right is this way i guess yeah next to a pile of giant chains that formerly held the mind flare if I join it. Dan, when I see the squirrel, my tail starts going and my pupils dilate.

I start making a weird chirping noise. All right, that it for you? That'll do it. Great. The meat monster is going to try to bite and devour Pish Posh. 13 hit? No. 17 hit. You guys.

Ken was on his phone looking up rare items. Alright. That is going to be alright that is gonna be boy oh boy 17 points of piercing damage yeah well I have 5 left

so you're out and you're gonna automatically miss your saving throw to get swallowed so you all finally see Pish Posh go into the gullet of the flesh really wanted to do that I not only wanted to do it finally see Pish Posh go into the gullet of the flesh pile. Do that. I not only wanted to do it, I felt compelled to. And now,

having not even used its movement, it turns. It goes 5, 10, 15. 15 hit? No. Okay. Tries to bite you and misses. I'm pulling up Hero Forge.

The giant goes to try to do it. How long is he blinded? I don't know. That was from his car. I'll tell you. Probably six months, right? He's got to go to the VA, get therapy. It's like when you get that was from his car yeah yeah i'll tell you i mean probably six months right yeah he's got to go to the va get therapy yeah he's got it's like when you get those eye drops at the doctor you gotta wear the sunglasses you can't you squint when you go outside

okay so now he's back uh he's gonna turn not quite get to you, but... God damn. Well, I'm going to die in episode six. Mordecai, can you do a charisma saving throw, please? Fuck you. Wow.

Sam, D&D isn't always like this. Yes, it is. Oh. Come on. Come on, cool-ass heavy dice. Do it. Oh, nice. 17.

Yeah, so your head vibrates but you manage to steal yourself and ward out the horrible screeching that it attempts to love it needle into the base of your brain and we'll have to find out how pish posh does on his first death savings throw inside the gullet of a flesh pile on our next episode of nerd poker well roads will not introduce episode six because he's playing halo right now halo three at least we don't hear him cursing must be going well um sam what do you think happened yeah uh all right episode five in our numbering uh we're still battling the big flesh monster blame cast a spell that helped brian We learned about operating

Fozzie Bear. Brian rolled, then Dan made a really weird smile. That smile turned out to be because Gribbles fell on his sword and disappeared. Chris fired a fancy weird bow and arrow at the creature. Pish Posh was eaten. Ken threw a deck of cards, I think, and blinded both the creatures. Now Ken is using Frost as a weapon. Sarah leapt off

a pillar and picked up a coin, and then Pish Posh was eaten. What? Checks out. What do you got? Crossed as a weapon, Sarah leapt off a pillar and picked up a coin, and then Fish Posh was eaten. Oof. What? Checks out. What do you got coming up? I have the Upper Left Comedy Festival in Seattle coming up. Keep an eye out for me up there, Seattle.

And then I'll pretty soon be at a hot tub with Kurt Braunhuller and Kristen Schaal over Permanent Records if you're in LA and I'm starting a monthly show over at Bigfoot Lounge with my friend Holly Brown that's going to be last Mondays of the month it's going to start in March so if you're in LA there's that going on a bunch of shows in LA so just keep an eye on my socials please um this is gonna air so kansas city i'm at the kansas city comedy club and then that weekend there's a comic-con in town uh first week of march second week of march uh i'll be there um and then uh following that i'm at the neptune theater in seattle Following that, I'm at the Neptune Theater in Seattle also with Johnny Taylor and Derek Sheen together.

That's going to be crazy. And I got a bunch of other shows at BrianBassain.com. And then comical books coming up in May and June. Grommets and then also Rifters. That's it for me. Oh, you know what? Uh, I did wanna think really quick. So glibbles is actually an MPC I'm using in an offline campaign also. Oh, cool. And my friend, Rachel, uh, Rachel Wilson of, uh, barrel of monkeys, Peter company in Chicago wrote glibbles his speech for me that he did because glibbles is too dumb to come up with something like that by himself according to what I think about him.

So thank you Chris Walsh, Mandy Walsh, Ryan Walters, Rachel Wilson, Tom Malinowski, and Anthony Kerser. Thank you. Uh, Blame. We attribute the success to save mankind from For joining us on this episode You got walls and a roof. Well for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof well on the next episode of nerd poker the nerd poker gang stops to ask for directions but nobody knows

the way to san jose featuring guest star dionne warwick and the nerd poker thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at p.o. box

one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.