Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 6

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Sooooo this fight with a mutated giant and a pile of sentient viscera has been fun and all, but it feels like about time to get the hell out of here. Our heroes kinda wanted to sneak through, and they'd like to honor that intention by not dying. And how we enjoy being in person, because it leads to things like locking eyes with Blaine and preparing ourselves for more cat jokes. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course, our kick-ass DM, Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey everybody. It's private city. You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. My friends are all here. It's episode six of the Mountain Campaign, or season six if you're nasty. Rhodes is playing Halo, so I'm introducing this one. My friends are here.

They haven't left. Chris, what's up, buddy? Did you want us to leave? Is that like a cue? No. All right. Okay. Sarah.

Hi. Hey. Ken, what era of Mickey Mouse is that? Probably 30s. Oh, okay. I only like Mickey Mouse shirts where he's scared or unhappy. That's really great. I refuse to wear any smiling where he's scared or unhappy. That's really good. I refuse to wear any smiling Mickeys.

Yeah, it's good. Minnie's in the hospital. Oh, no. She hit by a dash bus. Why is he there? Why isn't he? To support his friend in a time of crisis? Yeah, that's right. That makes sense of crisis? Yeah, that's right.

That makes sense. That's right. It seems like he was right there when it happened. Yeah. Well, he was driving the bus, but we're not going to talk about that part. He's got cool, though. Okay. Goofy's driving the bus.

Oh, you. Sorry. Dan's here, everybody. What's up, pal? What's up? Don't kill us. Please be nice to Ken. No. Don't kill I. Don't kill I. Please be nice to Ken. No.

Don't kill I. Don't kill I. Blank Patch is here, everybody. Hey, hi. Hey. That's me, Blank Patch. What's up, buddy? Not much.

Really, I'm waiting for another text from Mickey. And at the end of the table as always Sam everybody hello sweet children hey pal thanks for joining us and keeping this ship sailing my pleasure

Dan I'm going to thank people at our top two Patreon tiers of support thank you everyone who can support us and keep this podcast going. But in particular, thank you to Fool of a Took. Thank you, State Your Name. Thank you, Wolgar the Halfling Barbarian. Thank you, Sardinian Spider Princess.

Thank you, Kellen Dano. Thank you, Manservant Hecubus. Thank you, I am the Great Hoodoo. Thank you, Chris Ayers. Thank you, Josh Thank you, Iamthegreathoodoo. Thank you, Chris Ayers. Thank you, Josh. Why, yes, the D is for donuts. Thank you, Sayoral. Thank you, Mechashiva.

Thank you, whenareyougonnaletsamplay. That's a good question. Thank you, PowerplantPhil. And finally, thank you, Hans Adelman. Blaine, who are the supporters brought to us by supporters brought to us by Syrup Pick cleans your teeth with the power of maple syrup pulses of maple get between your teeth

and below the gum line where cleanliness starts eww cleanliness Syrup Pick from the makers of Syrup Tushy and Swarovski Charmin wipe your ass with glass Dan Blaine I need to brush my teeth now after hearing that commercial Sharman, wipe your ass with glass. Dan, clean. I need to brush my teeth now after hearing that commercial.

What first for us, Sharman? Definitely not going to floss. Right? That's gross. Oh, yes. It's time to talk about what happened last time at NerdPoker. What are you doing here? Who let you in?

Oh. And the dogs are out. I descend into the darkness. Our heroes are in the middle of fighting a seramorphed giant and a flesh meld. The flesh meld has swallowed Pishposh. Pishposh

is going to get things started with a death saving throw. Also, Glibbles just fell on his sword because he rolled the first, in my experience, a 100 on the botched table. And it's perhaps in the form of an iron coin in Juniper Sharp's

pocket. No way around that. No, I can't believe that happened. That was pretty fucking wild. So he didn't do a spaghettification? No. Oh. Yeah, I was just bragging

about how well the dice rolls were going for me right before that happened. Hey, I can. Why don't you do one of those dice rolls? So d20. d20, yeah. Hey, I can't. Why don't you do one of those dice rolls? So d20. d20, yeah.

On 8, 13. Hey! So that's good. I'm up 10. Oh, yeah, you got one save. All right. One success. At the end of the flesh metal's turn, which is at the end of the turn order, you will take necrotic damage

and get two automatic fails. So that I'm dead? No, three fails and you're dead. Oh, good. But it's kind of impossible to get enough successes while you're in the stomach to come back to life. Right. So I got to get out.

Just thought I'd throw that out there. I am unable to get out. Sarah, it's time for Juniper Sharp to make her moves. Do you have a blade on you? So I gotta get out Just thought I'd throw that out there I am unable to get out Sarah It's time for Juniper Sharp To make her moves Do you have a blade on you? He's unconscious He died when he got bitten

And swallowed while he was unconscious So I'm gonna run up behind the flesh meld Okay And Cause you don't brush And I'm gonna try to slice slice open slice them open great let's get that attack happening that's about a little yes you know what got pish posh in my mouth and some chicken the world and melded with ken that's a joke um modern elvish new. 19. That's a hit. Ooh, nice. A lot of damage.

Okay. I don't know about that. So this is slashing damage, so I'm imagining just gutting him. Oh, I get it. Okay. So that's eight slashing damage, and I get two attacks, I believe. Mm-hmm. So we'll do that again, Unless I've split him open yet.

No, but one of the heads does turn and look at you quizzically. What are you doing? As much as I can without eyes. That's a natural 20. Don't forget to roll your 100 with that crit. Okay, which do I do first? I'll just do the damage first.

Critter's choice. Okay. I only have... Oh, no, I don't. I'm doing purple for the 10s. That's a... Oh, it's a 13. Okay.

Which is very lucky. So add a d10 to your your crit okay and i doubled the roll but not the plus right i always forget okay oh sorry i can so 18 points hey that's pretty good yeah uh you you uh you managed to like cut a big seam open well then some blood and tissue starts to sort of expand out of the slash not ken's but you know okay so then i'm gonna use i'm gonna spend a key point to use flurry of blows oh okay punch straight into where the slice is happening so i get to i get to make two unarmed strikes right at the

you know, where I'm trying to get Ken out of. Let's see those two unarmed strikes. I'm basically trying to give him a cesarean section right now so then we'll just see how this works. I love monks. I really want to play a monk. They're so cool. So I'm rolling. Monk and a fighter. Those are the two I would play.

Oh no. Okay, that first one was a bot rolling. Monk and a fighter. Those are the two I would play. Oh, no. Okay, that first one was a botch. So an arm strike botched it. So roll 100. I feel like I should get cool points for how awesome this was looking before. I'll give you cool points. 78. Oh, okay.

All right. cool points for helping. 78. Oh, okay. You feel a set of teeth clamp down on your hand as it plunges into the flesh meld. Your hand is now stuck. You are going to take 13 points of piercing

damage. You may still take your other unarmed strike but your we'll say your left hand is stuck in an unseen mouth inside of the creature that'd be funny though so I'm going to take my additional unarmed strike that's probably missed because that's 12 uh what is that armor class on a flesh melt say 12 so i get it right okay so then so this okay so that's um 10 points of damage with my fists uh-huh um did i get

through it all because also i, I will tell you... The flesh is starting to quiver. Okay, so this is... The whole mass is looking like it's losing tension. So with my drunken technique, anytime I use Flurry of Blows, I can disengage as soon as I'm done with Flurry, but I know he has my arm

I will make you do a dex save to pull out okay tell me about it pray okay so I'm gonna do a dex and I remember I'm gonna add one or no we'll do let's do well I got a natural 20 plus

eight oh you got whatever it doesn't matter I was gonna say strength because it's like being grappled, but no, no, no, no. It doesn't matter. Yeah, you crushed that shit. You have drunken boxing? Is that really a choice? Is that what you have? I'm using the drunken technique.

So basically I'm dodging and weaving and rolling. No, I know. Oh, you know? Also, I'm drinking weed at the same time. Jack and Jan has two movies that are really great. Yeah, I know. He has that. Little Diddy. You pop your hand for you.

I just watched part two. And then I also get an extra 10 feet of action. Okay. What would you like to see with that? Back away? Warbling, wobbling, drunken walk. Yeah. So I'm disengaging and I'm going to go away.

And then I'm going to come back in and punch you out, Ken. But I'm sorry. I got to get away from this guy. i might just fall out if i'm lucky um so i'm gonna use my full movement plus 10 though to get this guy can't turn on me right so i used how much to get to him uh 5 10 15 20 25 to get to him okay so then i have uh 25 left with that additional 10. So you can just leave the room again if you want. Yes. Okay. Okay. There's a membranous surface

separating a placental sac only separating 10 from the rest of the world. Pishposh, get him out. Blaine, you're up. I'm going to use my feline agility, meow meow, to speed around here, head for the door, and I'm going to cast spiritual weapon.

Okay. I create a floating spectral weapon, and I use a melee attack to attack a creature within five feet of it. I'll hit the mouth thing. And you get to tell us what kind of weapon it looks like, too, right? It will be a mace. to attack a creature within five feet of it, I'll hit the mouth thing. And you get to tell us what kind of weapon it looks like too, right? It will be a mace. Nice.

Based on the weapon of my cat god, your tongue. So like a big clubbing tongue. Yes, it's a big fishing line with a string on the end. And there's like a weird feather kind of oh i see it's like a morning star yes so uh i'm going to glee morning star yes so i'm going to do a that's i do a melee attack uh-huh which is a 15 that's a hit that's a hit. And I do... I do one... I'm going to cast it at third level.

So I'm going to do... That does 3d8 plus my modifier. Sorry, I should have had these out. 863. So 14, 16 plus 3. so 19 points.

Well, minus 5 hit points, how would you like to see the fleshmail die? Awesome. I would love to see it die, Dan. Wow. I would like to see it... Imagine Blep's Morningstar just gutting it

open along the membranous path that juniper just opened up. I would like to see it just sort of zips open and fish posh comes out like tauntaun guts. And I'm just going to go up and start sniffing

them. I thought they smelled bad. I'm just going to start sniffing. A Louisiana license plate. Just sort of making the weird tongue thing. And then I'm going to continue I'm going to pull him clear, I guess. And I'm going to start to

Yeah, you can only go five feet if you grab him, but yeah. I'm going to pull him clear towards the door. Okay. But the spectral weapon stays in the air. Got it. All right. How about them apples?

Brian, you're up. I'm also going to lick all the stuff off. The big guy has a ton of points left, right? Yeah, can you do a constitution saving throw, Bob? Yeah, sure. I, can you do a constitution saving throw, Blup? Yeah, sure. I'm making you do this. 12 plus 3, 15. Okay, you just managed to gag the necrotic slime up.

Instead of... Brian? I'm going to jet to the door. I'm not going to fuck with this guy. You're just going to hoof it right over the corpse. How many? 30? So, 5 times. You can just going to hoof it right over the corpse. How many? 30? So 5, 10, 15.

You can get like right here. Oh, if you want to dash, you can get right out here with Juniper. Yes. Great. So that's you guys are out. You guys are here. And then we got little Dallytail over there. It's not quite his turn

Chris's face it's gonna be fine I'm a squirrel now it is your turn Chris I can't really see from the layout where's where's Ken Ken is up against the wall being

dragged all over here he's also still doing he's gonna do a death saving throw in a second. Can I run to Ken while staying out of melee range for, um, snout fucker? Yeah. Okay. I want to,

I want to, how many feet I can run up to 30. Okay. So I'd like to get to Ken. You can get like, you know know ken's being dragged by kind of like they're somebody oh he's being dragged yeah uh can i get next to ken while he's being dragged i can't see the if you dash or something right now you're kind of like stepping over the monster corpse i can't go under the monster due to its tremendous size and me being tiny and what i'll allow it but you watch

yourself mccoy um yeah then i guess i'll dash my i wanted to try and get a potion into him but i can't do that yeah it's kind of you gotta you gotta you i'll allow you to i'll dash throw it at him and see if it'll explode baldur's gate three style but that's a bad plan you could potentially clock him. You can be out of the door with these guys. Great. Okay. Now, you've almost escaped, but

it is now the giant's turn. He's going to run right up let's get this fucker out of here he'll even like just nudge it aside with his foot and now he's going to swing his maul at blep

of course was it because I was on the couch not allowed try to put double sided tape up there but just won't stop you alright that's kind of 29 to hit that's a miss

yeah whatever give it a try plus 14 you still have even more lives I actually reduced it if you look it's plus 17 30 points of bludgeoning damage. Okay.

Are you still up? I'm still up. So it goes... And that'll do it for its turn. Fuck face. Ken, please do a death saving throw. Come on, Ken. And actually, you know what? Do a dex saving throw

blep also. See if you drop Pish Posh as you get slammed for 30 points of damage. Success. Five plus eight. Five plus three is eight. Great. You drop him.

What was that? Oh, dexterity, you said? Yeah, it's to hang on to him as you get smashed with the giant maul. Okay. Can't give you that one. And yeah, so Ken now has two successes and two fails. So there's no way he can really... He's been stalling, basically.

If he doesn't get healed in one... In this turn, basically. there's no way he can really he's been stalling basically if he doesn't get healed uh in one in this turn basically uh then uh bedtime for bonzo healing potion or not

while you're dead not while you're dying like unconscious you're unconscious so people have healing and we're about to get out the door people can i mean like stick one in your throat but right now there's a the giant with a hammer no I think we're all about to get out of this guy a big one yeah okay so yeah where are we at here uh Sarah you're up uh I mean I think I'm just... I really am almost unconscious. So... How close are they to the door? Are they almost out?

Uh-huh. Okay. Is it an action to take a healing potion? I'm doing bonus action. Okay. So then I guess what I'm going to do is, um, no,

that doesn't make any sense. I need my ax. Um, uh, okay. So what's the other side of that conversation? Um, so I'm gonna,

if I, can I run up to him, attack him, attack him, attack him, Flurry of Blows him, and then get out again? And then bonus action. Well, if you disengage somehow he'll take a swing at you. Yeah, because the bonus action would be the Flurry of Blows disengaging, but then

my Drunken Technique disengaging but Flurry of Blows is my bonus action so that I can't take the potion, right? Mm-hmm. So I can't risk it. I'm sorry, dudes. I gotta drink a potion in here

and just get as far back as I can and hope that they can get through before this guy has a chance to swing. Mm-hmm. Because otherwise I'm just gonna get smushed. Mm-hmm. Okay. I have no ranged drop in other than that. Did you add the potion else yet?

No. What did we decide superior was? 8d4 plus 8. Correct. Do we have to wait for this no okay we can go ahead and go to the next turn person blaine uh i am going i have a little cantrip called spare the dying and i'm gonna use that on pish posh great so you're no longer gonna die am i at zero one i believe you're no longer gonna die. Am I at zero or one? I believe you're at zero, right? Yeah, it just sort of keeps you from dying.

Yeah. Thank you. And I'm going to use my weapon, my spiritual weapon against the giant. Okay. Can I do that while I'm running? No. Well, here's what you can do. You can use half your movement to pick up ken and then you can get this far right into the doorway but then if you move even an inch through the door he gets to take a swing at you even if i'm uh using my even if i'm

got the zoomies you have to be able to disengage somehow rogues sometimes can do that i don't think a cleric can disengage without using your whole action which you could do but you just said you're going to use your swing your spiritual weapon right i'll let you choose uh swing or disengage you know i will uh i think i'm gonna have to disengage so that I can get through the door. So all of you run through the door and hear the giant screaming and smashing at the doorway repeatedly with the mall and see the rubble just cave in behind you. Good God. I wanted to kill him. Meow. Come back. you'll get your chance

we can crack the door open and just shoot a bunch of arrows honestly good job guys i really thought he really that was gonna get us in there i mean as soon as you lost like the npc and ken at one point... Wait, Ken, did you get healed yet? No, he's at zero, but he's not dying. Hold on, hold on, hold on. So next order business, yes. I'll say... I missed the part where he got stabilized. You get down the hallway at like a hundred or so

feet. Yeah, I just missed it. I have mass healing word up to six creatures of my choice that I can see. I think maybe my friends. I don't know. Are other people injured? Because I just got a potion me all the way up again. So I don't need anything. I'm fine.

How are you, Mordecai? Well, I could use like nine points. Do you heal yourself too? I'm going to heal myself. Should we wait before you do it? Should we try to see if there's any way to reverse this, the coin glibbles or whatever, or what's going on with him inside this coin?

I'll do both. Because then he could use mass healing word on glibbles if he needs it. Do an arcana check, Juniper, as you turn it over in your hand. Oh, I did have a 100-sided one. What's wrong with me? Okay.

I gotta get this massal 9th level spell. It says 700 hit points divided as I choose. Really? Yeah. That's crazy. That's nuts. That's like an army reviver. How many would you give Brian out of the 700?

Nine. Just nine? What's the deal with proficiency on skills? It automatically should, at least with D&D Beyond My Understanding, add a proficiency bonus into what it says next to it. So what's your plus, Darkin? So it's just plus two. So I just have nine total on that roll, unfortunately.

Yeah, you kind of turn it over in your hand and you're like, you've never seen anything like this before. It's a heavy iron coin and it has some sort of writing in it that i don't think what languages do you speak um i speak common and one extra language that apparently i didn't select i speak um draconic it is not draconic but you might want to write that on your character all right so yeah you turn over wait hold on can any of us try and read it no i did i speak common is not draconic, but you might want to write that on your character sheet. Alright, so yeah, you turn over. Wait, hold on. Can any of us try and read it? No, I did. I speak common, draconic,

dwarvish, and goblin. It says in goblin, glibbles. In glibbles we trust. Alright, well we'll hang on to that then and figure out someone's a sorcerer here, right? Maybe you know what... The dead guy.

You're not sure what it does. I would say that you would, with a nine, at least be like, I don't think I can just heal this coin for hit points, but there might be a cleric spell that would let him out. Is there like a dispel magic kind of a thing on it? We got him for now.

Who else would like to roll an arcana check to look at the glibbles coin? I would. I'd love to. Can I or I'm still zero? Did anyone heal you yet? No. He was about to do Mass Healing Word so he should do that. Do Mass Healing Word and then everybody can do an Arcana check. I'll do a Mass Healing Word. Woo!

I can use Sorcery. I already know some shit. So that is Mass Healing Word. 1d4 plus my spellcasting modifier. Oh, 1. Plus 3, 4. 4 hit points for all. Everybody roll an Arcana check, please.

As you see Pish Posh kind of shake his head back and forth. 19 plus 120. Whoa. What else we got? 7 minus 1, 6.

Hmm. It's one crazy nut. I don't care for magic. 5 plus 4, 9. Okay. Brian, did you roll an arcana check? I was going nine. Okay. Brian, did you roll an Arcana check? I was going to. Four.

All right. Well, I can't give you the full details, but there is some sort of curse trapping Glibbles inside this coin, and you think it came from the sword somehow. In the swords back in that room. No, the sword disappeared with Glibbles. Oh, right, right. Do you think... Ooh, I wish I could tell you more, Blaine.

We have to beat Tempest using him as our only credit. We have to find a showbiz pizza place. Oh, man. Good luck. There has to be one that hasn't been converted to a Chuck E. Cheese. There has to be one out in Porter Ranch somewhere. Yeah, the city of industry. Pizza and pipes.

Okay, and I can't do a dispel magic on it have to be a curse a curse lift kind of thing you do think it would it would be either a curse or it could be something else you could try cast the magic on it take it up bank and make change yeah okay do we need to uh hold up somewhere yeah i need at least a short rest before we right now you guys are in what looks like a dwarven hallway uh there there are some collapsed rooms on either side of you that look

like this maybe used to be some sort of commercial district you look and kind of see that not far from here just like another 100 feet or so the hallway splits down the middle

to the left and to the right and there's sort of an angular almost like a triangle type break so the hallway splits kind of like this is the middle and there's what looks like a broken down dwarven shop of some kind that was right here. And then half either way.

I'm just pulling up that map. Okay, so we're not supposed to go. So we're supposed to go this way on this map. I'm going to need a left or a right well I'm just are you talking about this left and right are you talking about this left and right or are you talking about this here

it's a great question I'm asking you because you're describing I'm only going to answer with an insight check okay well I feel like I Sarah would know the hallway curves around and then there's a left and right. There's a right that comes right off of the entrance to the...

I mean, it'll be a DC 8, but everyone can roll an insight check. Everyone roll an insight check. Because we don't want to end up in the swamp of shitty scream death. 18 plus 6 24. Nice.

I can't beat that. 13. Okay. 24 is going to crush it. Come on for fun. Why would we even bother? It's an 8. 24. 7. For a moment you think about the fact that you did see a rather large archway behind you, but it didn't qualify as a fork, you think?

And so, yes, you'll want to take a left at the fork ahead. Okay, so taking a left at the fork and then a right, it looks like. And then we're going to hit the sparkle crunch stair. Yeah. It looks like. And then we're going to hit the sparkle crunch stare. So, you know, do we want to? Yeah, we should probably.

I need at least a short rest. Yeah, there's what looks like they used to be like, again, like a commercial district full of shops like carved into the hall on either side. So you can go into one of those and it'll be pretty musty and dank, but you can avoid being in view of the hallway if you like. Yeah, we should do that. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. All right. Well, you all head on in. There is no NPC to converse with you.

So you're all going to want to talk about what watch you'd like to take. Can I search the store and see if there's anything here? Absolutely. Why doesn't everybody roll an investigation check? Morning child, take the first watch. Great. I'm putting you down. I have dark vision too. What was that roll, Dan?

Investigation. 12. Sorry. 8. 12. 16 plus 1, 17. 17. He's a heavy one.

We're all weird. Seven. Is the highest 17? Yeah. You find a weapons rack in the back and a suit of armor that's halfway buried under some rubble, but it's actually intact

once you pull it off of the little model that it was stood on. It has been half standing on. I don't know what the fucking verb tense on being buried under rubble is. A standoon. So you find, if you want them, three standard long swords and a suit of split mail plus one. I'm going to fall asleep on it.

Hey, Dan. Yo. Is inflict wounds reversible? We don't do reversing spells no more. We don't? No. Okay. I was just curious.

I have inflict wounds. Okay, so split plus one. You have a plus one. You have a plus one bonus to AC when you're wearing it, and you can add it on D&D Beyond if you like. Unflipped that counts as heavy armor. Yep. Can anybody wear

heavy armor? I can't. I cannot. You can? I can do it. Well, the one you guys should take, it's magic armor. I think I'm wearing pretty good. Oh, well, magic. I'll take that. Well, it'll you should see who has a lower AC right now. Maybe. Oh,

yeah, I have 16. What do you have? 15. Take it. What's your strength? My strength is 11. You need a strength of 15 to wear it. Meow. So you should wear it. Meow, meow.

Goldbar, you could wear that, right? Goldbar. Who's Goldbar? What is this Goldbar? Mine's 14. None of us are strong enough. Although I'm not sure. I don't remember off the top of my head how it works

exactly, but as you all start thinking about it, you do level up. Oh! Although I'm not sure I don't remember off the top of my head how it works exactly but as you all start thinking about it you do level up. So if any of you get to add a My strength is now 1800 1800?

I don't remember if it's a feat or thing ability score choice on level 6. But you guys are now level 6. I love it. Does that count as a long rest or do we still have to long rest? Let's do a long rest.

You're going to do a long rest because we're going to have a beat up enough. Six level party. I'm going to say you can plan your level up, but it doesn't fully take effect until you've long rested. Right. If we do a long rest and we don't have to do it. If you do it, right.

If you do a long rest, you've leveled up, but you can do it all right now. I hope Sam hears how much we're talking about resting. We haven't done it yet. We're like, I didn't rest. Should we open the door? Ken's a dragon. I've been asleep in a sunbeam.

I am a dragon. Great time to roll a watch check if you want to roll a watch uh perception check you got it mordecai uh 13. it's pretty quiet although you do think you hear uh the screaming and thudding of the monster behind the collapsed archway right yeah he's dumb that monster so four hours past who's anyone taking a second watch i'll take the next watch all right skippy leaf bottom roll a perception check it's my christian name i don't know if that's uh natural 20 plus five

okay let me look at my notes real quick i'm'm going to... On that roll, I'm going to get up and stretch and go back to sleep. Like some biscuits? It's a pretty... It's pretty quiet, but you are a squirrel after all, and you can't help but just start digging... Keep forgetting you're a cat, and then you do shit.

You fucker. You just impulsively start digging around in the loose rocks. You find a ring. Ooh. Alright. For you, it's a necklace. Can I investigate said ring? Does it feel magical? I'll let you

do an arcana check. I'm good at that. Alright. I'm going to subtract one from this. You've had cats the entire time I've known you, dude. Didn't you move out with cats? I rolled a two. Minus one is subtract one from this. You've had cats the entire time I've known you, too. Didn't you move out with cats? I rolled a two minus one is a one, Dan. What a great ring. You think about putting it in your cheek pocket.

Look at this. You can say to the third watch. Yeah. Basically, I gave you an item if someone had rolled over a 20 for the investigation checker. Cool. Yeah, I will show it to whoever wakes up. Okay, who's taking third watch? Third watch.

I'll do it. Left. Perception check, please. Can I also hand him the watch and tell him to investigate? You mean the ring? Oh, sorry, yes, the ring. 15 plus 6, 21. You... It's pretty quiet. And you do hear the noise stops down the hallway and um he's all

tuckered out you do think um there's a weird sort of like cracking noise in the distance uh it's way way down the hallway um but it just sort of sounds could be rock or mountain settling it's more just like yeah you're you're so attuned to what's going on and uh what's the uh does he show me the ring yeah yeah would you like to roll an arcana check i'd love to roll over in your hand uh 11 plus 112. you're not sure exactly but it's magic yeah i would assume. Okay. All right, so you all wake up. You are now, again, level six.

If anyone has not had a chance to look at this sweet-ass ring and would like to roll an Arcana check, I would like to. You are allowed to do so. 18? 18 as well. Oh, boy. Brian?

Did you roll an arcana? Check what you like, too. No, I will, yeah. Okay, as you cook everyone breakfast, I assume. Do you set an empty plate for Glibells? Oh. Who has promised a meal? Arcana?

Mm-hmm. 17. Ooh, you guys are pretty good. You can tell this ring, if you were able to attune to it, should allow you to cast some sort of spell. Okay. It's the death. But it's made of heavy dwarven iron.

You'd think it would fit around most of your fingers. Iron, and then the coin is iron. Maybe there's a way to use the ring to open the... Maybe somebody got turned into that ring mrs glibbles quite a leap in logic but i'll i'll i'll have a laugh so yeah it's dark it's quiet it sounds like the giant has gone back to looking for people to come in or whatever the fuck it does with its free time but you definitely realize as you all get ready for your next day that nobody's going to be following you the the path behind you is closed and so you're not leaving the way you came and also no one's leading us meow meow interesting. Interesting. We have a map. Yeah, that global's notated.

Should we head towards, what's next? The crunchy stairs? Crunchy stairs? Yeah. I will accept a crosstalk about leveling up as you head up. Yeah, that's what I was just doing. But I had the map pulled up. What are they called, Dan?

The crunchy stairs? No. The sparkle stairs? I will pull it up to make sure I get my own thing. The sparkle crunch stair. Oh, I was not too far off. These places are all named by Glimples.

Right. Sparkle crunch stairs is great. I like it better than oops all stairs. Oh, yeah. Now, what you know he told you was there's some sort of magic on these stairs that will fuck you up. Now, on this map, are these just random markings?

Or they look almost like letters, but maybe they're numbers, but maybe they're just random markings. That would be such a good question for Glimbles. Okay. Can I do an insight check? Yes. To see if they look...

To me, they look not random, but you know. Because you had that idea, I will allow you and you only to do an insight check if you attempt to decipher. Also, because you know Goblin, I will allow it. That's a natural 20. Hey, hey, hey! Oh! Plus four. also because you know goblin i will allow it that's a natural 20 plus four there's something really deliberate about the shapes you think he was trying to show some sort of rune or shape was appearing in the air okay can i do a check to determine

what kind of magic is on the stairs not till till you get there. Oh, got it. Okay. I thought we were there. No, you can be walking. I'll say if you are all sort of just trudging down this hallway at a healthy, manageable pace, it would take you about an hour before you reach another fork. Where the Lens Crafters is? Oh. No, you've headed up some stairs fairly often. Your legs are getting pretty tired after that hour as you're ascending inside the

mountain. But at one point, you can go down a large hallway or continue up the stairs. I mean, stairs, right? Isn't that the point of the map? The stairs sort of stop and break for a while. You're like, oh, I have to walk across this big expanse to get to the stairs the hallway is um to the left

yeah the hallway is very dark okay we don't want to go to dick biting mini demon palooza which is what the room is marked on the map are you sure so uh we want to do it's almost like we make a u-turn or a hairpin you're not quite i mean like there's a big landing and then the stairs continue it doesn't it's not like a quite a left or right like a global sort of hastily okay okay but yeah yeah but we feel confident that's the right direction absolutely okay yes and uh so you head up the stairs some more before uh you start to notice stairs ahead do look different. Can I get a perception check from everybody?

Oh, yeah. 16 plus 6, 22. 1 plus 4 equals 5. Tyler, that is second grade. We gotta get you some dice. 15. 13. 19. 19. Tyler that is we gotta get you some dice 15 19 19

okay so you know at 6th level I can now use as an action I can become invisible really? that's a good one I had that freshman year I can become invisible. Nice. Really? That's a good one.

I had that freshman year. Does anyone here speak Dwarven? Yes. I speak four languages. Sorry, Berlitz. Did you play cello? Riding on the metro. Oh, wait wait that's berlin

so you notice makes me horny baby there is this massive archway ahead with in dwarven written above it the storm ones will judge us and the

stairs ahead are massive they look like they are designed for giants to walk up each one is about five feet tall wow and there are Dwarven runes of some kind sort of carved into it, but you only can tell that they're Dwarven because they have a similar shape to the Dwarven alphabet. They look like they're some sort of very old Dwarven. Are you the only one who speaks Dwarven? I don't know. Is anybody else? I do not.

Dwarvish. Anybody else? No. I'll let you choose. You can either do an insight check or a history check to try to translate, at least on some level, what looks like old Dwarven. Okay, I will, I guess, do an insight check because I have a better...

Eh, no, nine. You're not sure what these say, but they almost look like sentences with names in them. Okay. So the storm ones will judge us. Is that what it says? So maybe we don't. Okay.

Yeah. Who knows? We don't want to step on certain ones or we don't want to, or we need to do something with certain ones. Uh, nobody has a dispel curse or heal curse or whatever that is I have dispel magic but not a curse greater restoration or lesser

restoration to try to get globals to does anybody have any of these spells I'm hearing restoration spells mostly this is for Blaine? I'm hearing restoration spells. Mostly this is for Blaine. No, I have no restoration spells. You don't have restoration hardware spells?

Yeah, I have anthropology and Barnes and Noble. Oh, fun. It is restoration honor. No, it's an active casting. All right, well, it feels like then we don't really have much of a choice other than to slowly make our way and suffer the consequences. You can try it.

Somebody can try to like check for traps or whatever. Sure. It would be best at that. Who would like to check the first stair for traps? What would that be? Investigation? Uh-huh. I have a plus two for investigation.

Who can be a plus two? What do we got? Not me. I have a plus four. That would be you're in the lead. Because of my former detectivation. We got a sorcerer detective. Roll an investigation check. The great sorcerer

detective. Careful, Morde. The great sorcerer detective. Careful, Mordecai. Pish Posh might become the leader. That's a one plus four, so probably not. One plus four? You botched it? Yeah. You botched a trap check?

I guess I did. Can I get a wisdom saving throw, please? Uh-oh. Good thing I healed up that is a 18 13 sorry oh 13 thanks i misread the yeah it does uh so all of you see pish posh kind of like waving a hand over it. Check this out, you guys. This is going to be cool. Sort of absentmindedly just sort of like put your hand on the stair for a second.

Yeah. This jet of blue magic shoots up your arm. And you guys see just like a splatter of blood come out the back of his neck. Jesus. Jeez. Out the back of his neck. Yeah. That'll be 12 points of cold damage

as just like a little puff of frost comes out after the blood. Don't touch the stairs. Well, we got to. I mean... hot plate. I guess you could fly us over. I can climb up the wall. You don't have to worry about me.

And Mordecai's got those mighty wings. Yeah. So it's not so much that it's a trap. It's just they were cold curse on them, I guess. Well, there was a trap that went set off by you touching the stairs. Yeah. He botched it too. So it's like, I guess. Well, there was a trap that went set off by you touching the stairs. Yeah, he watched it, too. So it's like it's like, you know, when you leaned on the stairs.

Yeah, I was just trying to act cool. And yes, I can fly. Can you climb your feline? I, I can. We figure out a Mordecai can fly even though I have wings. I have a climbing speed of 20 feet. I will say you

can fly, but your flying speed is 10 feet. 10 feet. That's how far you can move. It's a slow fly. I can cast fly. I can't actually. Three people. I mean, I can climb with a squirrel on my back. Well, I can climb

myself. It really looks like juniper might be the liability. Yeah, I can fly with someone. You can get on my back. I don't know if I'm strong enough, though. Eleven. A fish posh could carry you. Yeah, sure. But why can't I just cast fly on her

there you go how many people can you cast fly on three one for each level above third okay so you plus two so and then who's carrying what are you guys

can you fly yourself I can climb do you need to fly he can fly so it's just me and Pish Posh everyone I can climb. You can climb? Do you need to fly? He can fly. So it's just me and Pish Posh. Everyone else can climb. Let's fly. Jennifer? How often can you

cast fly? And how long does it last? Read my mind. Up to ten minutes. How many is it a spell slot then? I know they're different from wizards. It's a spell slot. How many spell slots do you have?

All. No. How many times can you cast it basically? How long will it last you? You and Juniper. Three. you and jenner okay so you can get half an hour going uh now once you do that you realize okay dally tail and blep you can climb along the walls and not touch the stairs but i'm still making you roll an athletics check you know and not i'll give you like a dc of uh five you're basically trying to not get tired right if you get tired you're going to slip and land on a stair um and you're all gonna have to kind of decide are you gonna kind of wait for mordecai who who's going to be flying kind of slow,

but he can go for a while. Sure. That's going to mean you guys can last half an hour, but you have to decide if you're keeping up with Mordecai or if you're going to take as much of the half hour as you can to just rip the head of everybody else. Yeah, I don't think we're going to.

Don't wait for me. Unless I cast fly on an object and we ride it. Can I do that? What would be the benefit of doing that? I don't think you can. Can you cast fly on an object? I think we just want to go straight through. Yeah, we just want to charge it up.

Okay. So, Mordecai, you start flying. I'm going to need an athletics check from you two climbers just a five did either of you have a five bonus athletics? no do either of you have a four bonus? no

I have animal handling I'm an animal me too well then you guys really relate to each other. But yeah, basically, five is pretty easy to make. Great. Yeah, I got a nine. Yeah, 13. Great. So you guys managed to keep up with Mordecai without slipping for a while.

You guys will have to find out what happens on our next episode of our poker. As you see, you see Juniper, Sharp, and Pishposh go shit and with their spell ahead of you hoping they can make it to the top of the stair before the spell wears off.

Sam, what do you think happened? Episode 6, Blaine killed the flesh monster. Ken's being dragged. Sarah's going to run up and Flurry of Blows and then run away. We're resting, which I love. We rested so hard that we leveled up. We should be resting all the time chris found a ring buried in the ground we found some giant stairs with something written in

dwarvish above them ken touched the stair and his neck exploded and we're either flying or climbing hooray uh seattle i'm coming to you la i'm there all the time look Look at my Instagram. I'll post all my shit there. Brian. BrianPostain.com for tour dates. Somebody got something? Did you just, oh, because you want to... I want to add, but I'll go after Brian. Who am I? Go ahead. I just want to let everybody know.

The Fundaments Returns is going to be on March 7th on Paramount+. And I think Nickelodeon. So if you're young or just enjoy seeing me in tight clothing, check it out. It's me. Rifter's Bromance coming soon. But tour dates on BrianBursain.com or social media.

Support us on Patreon. We appreciate that and that keeps the show going. Especially now that everybody has to drive over here it'd be nice to uh uh pay for gas and food and that sort of stuff um and uh there's a new merch coming sometime i don't know yeah i think so okay i trust you we'll get some uh new designs and uh you know reflecting the mountain campaign maybe some mead from juniper sure a meat cute he's gonna like a notebook and a freehold

we attribute the success to save mankind from the dead. and even busters after a random lightning strike. Can Herb Schwartz turn it on in time? How will this and Herb Schwartz get everybody turned on? On the next Herb Schwartz AI Only. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California at 91416. Thanks for listening.

How about itty-bitty gangbang? All right, I'm good. We're good to record. No, we're not. AI wrote that one. Yeah, AI wrote it. No!

You brought it upon yourself. Itty titty bang. Chitty chitty titty committee. I'm a member of the Chitty Titty Gang Bang.